Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Bert Kreischer Returns!

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Bert Kreischer! You know Bert Kreischer from stand up comedy, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Hot Hones, The Joe Rogan Experience, Somethings Burning, Bertcast, This Past Weekend, This is Not Happening, We Might Be Drunk and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: HexClad: Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at https://hexclad.com/GARBAGE Factor: Head to https://FactorMeals.com/garbage50off and use code garbage50off to get 50% off your first Factor box PLUS free breakfast for 1 year. Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, baby, hey Texas, hey Florida. The boys are coming down to see you. So grab your tickets. They're the only shows we're going to be doing it, Texas and Florida. So grab some ticks and come see us. Yeah, this March, we're going to be at the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. Tickets are going fast as well as side splitters in Tampa, baby. Listen, Tampa and Austin, two great comedy towns.

Get those tickets. We'll see you there. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you, You find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage.

Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it after the group to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, A.F.E.F.O.C. I'm your host, A.F.F.E.F.O.C. Come on a beautiful day. We're out back here, a Tootie is in a new edition.

She's a jury duty. Okay. That's all I came up with. My co-st is coming out of you from right next to me. Probably a little unamused this week. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ.

Kevin, James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang. Shout out T. As always, make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify. Yeah. And the boys are in the middle of the charge.

It's not showing off. We don't want to be at the top. We don't want to be at the bottom right there in the middle. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www. www. com.

You go over there. You get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir. And gang, we could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests, back on us again today. It's been a minute. He's family.

We love him. You love him. He's got a brand new series on Netflix right now. Free Burke. Give it up for the one, the only. Mr. Burke Krecher, everybody. Thank you. There he is.

Thank you very much. I appreciate you guys. There he is. Thank you. A nice glow to you. Yeah. No, no, I feel good.

I also have makeup on. No kidding. A lot of makeup on. You look like you live in Boca. Look like a dead mobster. I did a podcast with Sebastian Manascalco. I know what you're talking about. Why if we do makeup here?

Why if we do makeup on tonight show, why aren't we doing here? Yeah. And I go, I was like, your skin looks amazing. He goes, are we on camera? I loved. You don't think he showed up the next day and was like, we should have a makeup department? He saw that clip and was like, I have a self-tanner at home.

I was just too scared to use it because I didn't know how dark it was going to be. Back in the day, if you wore makeup to a podcast, you get destroyed. Sure. And now, if you're not wearing makeup, they're going to destroy your skin. Which we're okay. I'm okay. I mean, I'm okay. I'm not.

I was like, all the comments were like, look how fucking red his face is. Look at the he's going to die. And then I was just like, I don't want to hear that ever again. But this is from CBS and this is from doing TV. It looks good, though. Thank you. When does this come out? They cloned bird tomorrow.

Okay, cool. I won't say anything. About what? About what? What? What I did? What do you know? This guy's screwballs up for sure.

He came in, squirrely. He's got loafers on. I typically don't see the guy with a shirt on. Talking to somebody over there at CBS News. I've changed. Yeah. All this Netflix series went through his head. Congrats, buddy.

Thank you. It's great. Thank you. I do want to say. There are moments in it, like, certain, just like written in the script where I was just like, that is precisely how Bert would handle. I've seen Bert handle situations this way. It's so on point.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. The little girls are the stars, apparently. They're great. That's who everyone's kind of drawn to. I think the three evil dudes are my favorite characters in the world. Yeah.

You have Cousin Brian on the show. Who? Cousin Brian. He only talks in Sopranos references. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He told, he would tell me great. Does he still see Carmela?

He'd tell me great James Ganoffini stories. Ah, I bet. Him and James Gandoffini had to do, he should tell the bit, I suppose, of me just sharing his. But he had a great story about them not getting drunk, but getting doing a drunk scene that was fucking hysterical. That's awesome. Yeah, he's great.

I loved everyone I worked with. I had, and it wasn't like, you know, it's not like tires where they all grew up together. It's like a bunch of people that you meet, you have. higher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like fucking funny shit, man. Yeah. It was great.

I loved it. Thank you. I had a blast. Me and my wife crushed it. Oh, thank you. But that's neither here nor there. It's been a minute. It's been a while.

It's been a while. It's been a while. You're well-documented trash. Florida trash. Yeah. Bathing in the pool. Picking your nose. Eating it.

The fingernail situation. Under the table. Among other things. You just told us you have blood clots. Bumba glots. Chet Hanks Chet Hanks is your doctor It's a white boy summer

The season two is going to be weird It's a white boy summer everybody Do you remember Did you ever see the video of him getting beaten up With a pan by his black girlfriend? No Oh I think so He's on live like

That's it I called the cops And all the accent's gone It's Chet that Tom raised Tom and Rita That's it I've called the cops I'm suing you The police are coming All the black people get out of my house

I've been hit with a frying pan before my mom threw a pot at my head when I was a kid. For real? Yeah, I had it coming. Wait, what did you do? I can't remember. I did something that I was a real bastard. I'm waiting for the pasta, ma.

Yeah, caught me in the back of the head. I had to get a couple of stitches. I held it over her head for months. A couple of GI Joe's out of it. Is that what you called hand jobs? From the neighborhood. She used to use palm olive. I found out the showering in the pool is not good for your skin.

You think? What you got to do is you got to rinse off. You got to rinse off. You got three coats of makeup on right now. Yeah. Oh, you have no idea the pimples that are really just sitting right under this. I can kind of see them. Can you see them?

Yeah, I don't want to say it. Oh, wait, I'm right next to you. This side's bad, too. Well, also, I watch your, I mean, you do your Instagram stories. Those, there's not makeup and them things. No. You're looking like a cyborg, Burt Krecher. I got, I got, I got late, late, what is it, late, uh, rosacea.

Okay. Like, I never had rosacea in my life. Okay. I started to get in rosacea. And man, dude, I've, I've had pimples that I put one of those pimple patches on and just, it's a whole, it's a crater in your face. And I never had acne in my entire life. You didn't get pimples as a kid? Not once.

But when you got one as a kid, did you used to destroy it? Because I did that. I didn't get them bad, but when I got one, I went to town on it. On my chin. I've had enough pimples that I can tell you three great pimple stories. Okay. Okay. First one.

It's the only man in the world that could say that. And mean it and be right. I'm listening to I'm in the back of my mom's station wagon we're driving to school. I have a mirror between my legs and I'm trying to pop a pimple on my chin and the song playing is

I'm in the sky I'm in the sky That's the way to go When they die When they die I was both a man I'm like dude We're going to have to fake

That we know this song Oh yeah It's going here It's before I knew that pimples popped, right? And I'm squeezing this lump on my chin, and I just see squirt under the mirror, and I go, oh, it was one of the best pimples ever, okay?

Number two, I'm in college. I have one of those lumps on my nose, where it hurts on the inside, the pimples on the inside. Those are good. But it starts showing up on the outside. That's good. You got an in the outy? It's right on the outside.

So I'm drunk and going to my bathroom, and I decide to just squeeze from the inside and see if I can pop it out. and just Zink a hair shoots out Soink squirts out On to the mirror hair on the mirror Pimple on the mirror

Shut the fuck up I swear to God I didn't know you were going to say that That's exactly what happened to me And it was so cool how it came out like that And ingrown hair And then I just pulled it out It was the most satisfying thing ever

Welcome back ladies It's almost like if ice was Extracting people from Mexico And bringing them in Wait what? I don't know. It comes from the other side. Anyway, third pimple, third pimple.

Third pimple, I'm headlining. I told you the first two stories to tell you the third story. I tell you the, yeah. Fucking sauce. What? Nothing. So, third story. I am at Sacramento, Laps Unlimited, and I have a lump on my cheek.

Right here, right here. It's so bad. And I had a go-tee. Beard or no? I had a go-tee at the time. And it's right on the line of the chest. go tea and it looks like I have a dip in it's so bad it's like abscess and it's getting bigger and bigger and I go it's got to be an ingrown hair it's got to be an ingrown hair so I'm working on it

all week I'm pulling hairs around it all week Sunday I get in the shower a hot shower I'm not I've given up on this pimple I get to the mirror out of the shower I wipe off the fog and I just go like this and it explodes like it rips my skin open and just pours out of my face and four hairs come out with it. And I went, oh, those are my three pimples. Jesus. Now, when it gets on the mirror, like if you're doing it, you get on the mirror, do you get a paper towel away, but you just do your hand? I leave it. You leave it. Yeah. What do you clean up these days? Now, listen.

Not the mirror. I'm saying this, you've earned everything you have. Yeah. Thank you. Do well? Yeah. What do you clean up these days? Take the trash out? Take the trash out? Nope. The Leanne does that? Yep. What about the dishwasher? She brings it in too. What do you mean brings it in? I don't live there.

I'm never there. I've gone for 25 days straight. The bitch does her own house. If I'm with her and we pull up, she goes, I'm going to pull in the garbage. What I'll do is I go, sure. And then what I'll do is I'll pull them into the gate, like just to keep the gate open. And then I'll bring them off the road into the gate and then she'll bring them all in. Yeah.

Okay. Keep going. Dishes. Well, you dry. Listen, because I got a house in the suburbs. So this is, I'm learning how to be suburban. Mm-hmm. Well, you leave the.

them there. If you're, say they're there and you pull up, it's just you in the car. You're leaving them there? Yeah, you are. Okay. Yeah. Steal my garbage cans. I wanted to think people are stealing. I wanted to ask you this. Dishwashers done. It's clean. It's done. There's done. Clean dishes

in there. Then it's done. You have a dish. Well, you have a problem putting that dirty dish into the clean dishwasher and running it again. Like instead of emptying the last few things out. You know what I mean? No, no, no. First of all, I'm not going to empty the dish wash. I don't know where

the dishes go. And so I will put it into the sink. Start with the cabinets. I just put it in the sink. Yeah, but I don't want to fuck it up. But you cook and stuff like that. I cook. You know what everything is. I cook, she cleans. It's always been our deal. I cook, she cleans. But you know where to grab like a... I can find stuff, but I'm not going to start putting stuff away because when we get... When we get to the weeds

of stuff of like, of like Tupperware stuff or like... Or is a vegetable peeler go. I'm not going to... I don't know where that shit goes. And so I cook. It's always been our thing I cook she cleans I'll clean up I'll help her clean up like trash on the things but as far as dishes Leanne's always been a leant's kind of person that she goes to your house and eat center she does your dishes so I don't want to take that that way from her yeah right that's I don't steal her joy yeah I don't I don't really clean I'll have some pimple juice on a mirror for you on I know how much you love cleaning I will clean

I'll clean up my gym like I'll organize my gym I'll clean my I I have my own bedroom now. So like Leanne and I split bedrooms. So like it's a sleep divorce. She wasn't sleeping well and I didn't notice because I was snoring. Yeah, I've, I've experienced in the same thing. And so we got our own bedrooms. She has the real bedroom and then I took our guest bedroom and turned it into my bedroom. Oh, you got a fridge in there? No. Poster's doing. I'm getting one. Yeah. Full size? No, little guy. No, I'm like a little guy. I got the ice maker in there. I did it, I did it my way. I took the windows and I blacked them out. I murdered them out, right? I took I have the AC cranked down to 65.

I have it so dark in there. Wait, you got a thing in the room? Oh, yeah. I get my control that side. At a hotel? It's like my tour bus, dude. It's pitch black, and it is amazing. King size bed?

Queen size, I'm getting a king size. We just moved. Sounds like you're graduating college. I'm saving up for a king. And then what I did is... Cut some grass this summer. I took folding tables and I put them all the walls so I could just put my stuff down. Okay.

I like that. I don't understand. So it's all out for you. It's all out. I can see it. I get my suitcase. Because I only live out of a suitcase, really. I bring my suitcase.

I open it up. Like you're going through TSA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You got everything in bins and shit. And Leanne's room is like, when she sleeps, she doesn't even mess up the covers. Do you call it, Lee? Do you, and if you're talking, because I have this and I have this in the burbs. Like, I sleep in the guest room due to snoring.

Okay, so you're doing it too. I'm not set up in there. Just hang on. It's just out of like, I would come home drunk or have some. beers is when it's worse. I'd be like, you know. Just commit. Commit and turn it into your room and you'll never be happier.

But now, do you worry? Okay. I got, I got a sign order that says no fat chicks allowed. Only fat dudes. Only fat dudes. A couple of sticks posters. Dude, it's fucking incredible. Now, well, you refer to the one, what was once both of your rooms as our room?

Or do you say, that's in your room? I'm going, like, my, my phone's in my room. That's Leanne's bedroom. It's Leanne's bedroom. That's Leanne's bedroom. The cats go in there. I don't fucking let a cat in my room. Not a fucking pig.

I don't let cats in my goddamn room. Nothing goes in my room. I go in my room. What are you? What are you? No, I'm allergic to cats. Oh, you are all right. Yeah, I'm a hardcore.

I love having my own room. You should commit. I swear to God, you'll be so much happier. That's not a guy said you should come over and hang out. You want to come to my room? She doesn't even fucking come over. It's awesome. Hey, me, we can come in here.

We can smoke cigarettes in here. You're in there being like, we can turn the air down as much as we want. Do you have a TV in there? Yeah, but I don't use it. VR, virtual headsets. Okay. Oh, my God, dude. You're like stepbrothers.

You're like a kid that pushes the sleepover too hard. Did you ever see blank check? The movie. It's too. Oh, you know. Yeah. No, I read the book. Wait, should I walk into your room you're laying there with the headset on, watching TV?

All your stuff's on a folding table. I don't know if I'm watching TV, but I got the headsets on. I'm fucking sucking and fucking. I'm under the Corona Arts drinking coffee. I got, man, I got the life. When she was gone for the week, I don't think I left my room once. I stayed in my room. I was like, why do I, because I can't have coffee on blood thinners?

So I was like, why am I getting up out of bed? Why not just take a Benadryl and go back to sleep? Man, that's good for blood thin. This guy's got it figured out. Dude, VR goggles are the shit. Have you have a pair? No. You get some for your room.

Hey, you're telling me I'm working to a cheat. all this stuff that you've achieved and it just ends in it ends in a room by myself on bened drill and folding tables i'm fucking breaking my fucking stones to do what you've done following your footsteps and it ends in separate rooms do i go and yeah my life's awesome i can't have coffee no more i have knives i have axes have my gun i have so many weapons you're 17 i'm like i'm a child dude it's so great when you get your own room if you called leon so what was happening was Because Leanne's, like, we'd wake up and I'd go, I got a 98 in my sleep score. Because also, I drink waters throughout the night.

And then as I take the water, I throw it in the air and just let it, like, land wherever it is. The bottle? Yeah, no, can. I drink liquid dust. And so it's kind of loud. Bleep that. And so, so Leanne would, that would wake her up. I'd get up to peeve four times a night.

She'd be woken up throughout the night. And she's one of those people, if she wakes up, she can't go back to sleep. Her sleep score was horrible. and then she started sleeping in one of the girls' rooms. And I was like, okay. And then I was sleeping amazing. And then, and I like to listen to a podcast while I sleep. I do the same thing.

Yeah, we should sleep together. Do you want to come to my house and do a sleepover? Sure. You'd love my mom. We've had sleepovers on the bus. We sleep close to each other. How great. It's great.

Yeah, we love it. I tell everybody some of my best night sleeps, and I swear to God, this is true. It's the first time that we went out with you before you got the bedroom in the back. It was me and you up front and you slept next to me. I slept like a baby. It's like having a grizzly bear sleeping next to you. I would say if there's any guys like listening, like a group of guys,

you're thinking about doing a bachelor party. It's a little bit of a spend, but don't get a hotel room. Do like a three city tour of like just bars and strip clubs that you want to go to and get a tour bus. That's not a bad idea. It's a great idea. And just get all bunks. You guys all sleeping bunks. You're going to laugh.

First of all, you're going to drink until you guys pass out. It's a good time. And it's a great time. And then you're going to get on the bus. You're going to laugh in the bunks hysterically. And the best part is when you wake up in the morning. I think what was the video? We had someone go viral during our video.

Like someone got like in trouble. And like you curtain, you're thinking like, have you heard the thing about dot, dot, dot? And my curtain goes up. And then I get on my phone and we're like, oh, it's in your inbox. It's in the group chat. It's in the group chat. But it's the funnest thing you can do. And you and all your boys will have a blast.

And by the way, if you have like, because you can sleep like, what, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3. You can sleep. 12 on a bus, you can have 12 dudes. They're coffin, though. That's coffins. You don't want coffins. I go, I go condo and go 2-2-8. And so, it's going to be so much fun. It's a good night's sleep.

The thing that the thing that Leanne sold me on, because I sleep better on the bus, I sleep anywhere in the world. But my bus is my happiest place in the world. Can't but something about Hexclad, baby. Shout out to Hexclad! Listen up, fellas. You're making a New Year's resolution this year. There's a good chance to start in the kitchen.

You want to eat a little healthy? You want to start back on delivery because you're wasting a lot of money on that crap through your stuff in favorite get a nice set of pans like hexclad yeah nice set of pans will keep you in the kitchen I bought hex I bought a whole set of hex clap before they were a sponsor I can I know I cannot stress how much these pans have changed the stress do cook it a lot you can't get eggs to stick on these things if you try baby they're flipping they're flopping they're sliding you feel I'm a bozo when it comes to cooking I'm trying to spend more I'm trying to cook more It makes you enjoy it, right?

Because it takes out the stress. Quality pain. Makes you make less mistakes. Mistakes I used to make, I don't make anymore. I'm not burning it. I'm searing it, the whole thing. It's dishwasher safe. Super easy to clean, which is also,

oh, wipe, sometimes I don't even use water. Just wipe it down, throw it back in a pot. Don't tell them, I wiped that, you know? It's oven safe up to 900 degrees. The stainless steel handles stay cool, so you're not grabbing the scorching hot paned every time you cook, baby. And here's the turkey.

New Year, New Year. you new cookware for a limited time. Our listeners get 10% off your order with our exclusive link. Just head to hexclad.com slash garbage. Support our show and tell them the boys send you at hexclad. com forward slash garbage. Make sure to let them know. We sent you bonapete.

Let's eat with hex clad's revolutionary cookware. Do it. Kim, let's talk about Factor. Shout out to Factor. Let's talk about Factor. Number one, ready to eat meal kit in the United States of America. Let's go. It comes ready to go.

Two minutes in the microwave. fresh, never frozen, nutritious, delicious, Factor. Yes, as two gentlemen who have struggled with their weight for many, many, many years, the big thing for me is being able to make the right decision. I am programmed to make the wrong decision every single time, make the right decision.

This makes it easier to make the right decision. That's how my brain works. I go, I got these at the house. Factor. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna stop and get pizza on the walk home because I got the shredded chicken taco belt weight in at the house. It'll be ready in two, three minutes.

Boom, bada bing, little DC. How you doing? It makes it easier to make the right decision. I cannot stress that enough. Which that is the factor. That is the determining factor. Yes. That's pretty good. Always fresh, never frozen as the big man said,

head to factor meals.com slash garbage 50 off and use the code garbage 50 off to get 50% off your first factor box plus free breakfast for a year. Hachimachi. Offers only valid for new factor customers with the code and qualified auto renewing subscription purchase. Make a healthier eating easy with factor. Do it.

Yeah. I watched you do. I forget what it was. You like took medicine or something like you were like and I was just like, oh, it hit me. I'm like, oh, this is just like his second home. This is his home. Yeah. Oh, it's my home.

I would never. Some of Rockstar wanted to rent it from me for his tour for him and his family. I was like, no. Yeah. He was like, what do you mean? I said, I'm not cleaning my stuff. All my stuff is like very strategically placed, like little flashlights and, Like everything, loob, everything's strategically placed.

And so I don't want to change my life for you. I got medicine. I got like extra medicine floating around. I know. That's what I saw. That's what it was. I was like, oh, you had it like in the bathroom and like outside and I went, oh, yeah. It's like if you drop a pill one time, you go, you know what?

I'm going to end up needing a little sartan one time. I'm going to put it back here, keep on to it. So like, and so what was happening is I was one night we were driving home from a party. And I said to leave it, she goes, ugh, you've been drinking. and this is going to be a long night. And I had a cigar. And I was like, just drop me off with the tour bus. And she was like, what?

I said, I'll sleep on the tour bus tonight. She was like, no, I want to sleep with you. And I went, but yeah, but you'll sleep better. And then that was the night that she came to me the next day. She was like, hey, what if we got your own room? And I was like, I got really kind of, it sounds crazy. You're working really hard in school. You're doing all your chores.

Yeah. What do you say we get your own room? And then she was, she was like, she was like, listen. And she sold it to me. And I said, let me try it. And I slept in there. first night. Slept good, but it was a little light. The next day she came in, this is, Leanne wanted her room, you can tell. She was like, we'll murder out the curtains. So then we took,

we took cardboard and that was the exact size. That's not like the Beverly Hills. Covered up the windows so you can't see anything. I mean, you turn the light off and it is like, it is like you can't see your hand in your application? Is that still the application? You have cardboard on your windows or the house I've been to? Yeah. That's what people who smoke meth do. Oh, I was going to put tin foil up. When I was in Serbia, I put tin foil all over all my windows so I could sleep because you get off, you get shoot until 4 in the morning and then you're all, you know. Yeah. And so I did that and the cops showed up and they were asking, they thought I was selling making drugs.

Yeah, that's what, yeah. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. The government's trying to steal my thoughts. I just thought that's so that's how you slept. So I was going to put tinfoil up and Leanne's like, come on. So one Sunday. You're putting the wrong emphasis on the tinfoil.

Tinfoil. Tinfoil. Tinfoil. Tinfoil. What? Am I saying it's a guy? No. Tinfoil.

You know my buddy, tin foil. Wait, do I really say that fucked up? Hold on, ready? Tin foil. Tin foil. Tin foil. Tin foil. Tin foil. Stop.

By the way, no, no, hold on. I say, I say some words wrong on purpose, like tattoo. I do that on purpose. You're doing that. Yeah, you know that a little bit with the foil. No, I'm not on purpose. I'm saying the emphasis. Tinfoil.

Benafleck, I do that for. Benafleck. I love his brother, Casey Affleck. Like, that's my favorite one to do is go, I love that. His brother Casey Afleck. Now I have a hard time doing it. But it's fun to say it work differently. If you do it, if you do it enough,

you'll start saying it that way for real. Isn't it crazy? Yeah. But tinfoil, you're saying that. Tinfoil. Tinfoil. You know the one that I really do bad and I never was nightmare.

Nightmare. Nightmare. And I did it. Which is what he had in his room when he was by himself the first night. Wrapped a tinfoil. I did a show. He's sleeping like a schizophrenic. No furniture

Throwing bottles of water everywhere I like to see all my belongings It's so good It's so good I did this show with Cody Rhodes And his nickname is the American Nightmare And I introduced him like that The American Nightmare for two seasons

And he thought I was fucking with him The whole time And I was like And then he goes Wait that's how you say it Nightmare Nightmare Nightmare Nightmare Nightmare You say pillow or pillow

Pillow? I'm not a fucking lunatic What's the pie That people have? Pumpkin No If that's not If that's not a glimpse into how your brain works He's going, I don't want to say I don't know

So I'm just going to fucking guess a popular kind of pie That's why I love you, dude I saw it in your eyes go I can't miss this You miss 100% of the shot you don't think Swung so hard Pumpkin obviously It's the one that has nuts on top Oh, Pekam

Is that what you say? Pekin No, no, no, no, no. I don't know now. Pecan. I say pecan, I think. Pecan. Is it radiator or radiator?

Radiator. Raccoon. That's not right. What? I think we got a poop. Raccoon. I say raccoon. Okay.

No, you don't. And we're back. How do you say Asian? Hayak! Can I tell you what's crazy? What's crazy is, I'm It's spelled Asian. How?

It's like three letters. That was more than three. Oh, I'm spelling it wrong, too. It's five. Asia? No, it's four. Asian. Oh, Asian.

So I did, I wanted to be talking about this? I wanted to get a burner account one time on Twitter. So I was like, Rogan says, because I'm not on Twitter anymore. So I got off Twitter. I have one, but I don't post, someone posts for me. So who have I been talking to? About all these nightmares. A bunch of Asians.

So I go, I was like, I'm going to get a, Rogan sends me something and I go, I can't open Twitter. I don't have Twitter. And he goes, just get a new account. And I was like, oh, bitch, I'm going to get a burner account. So I get a burner account. Burke Chrysher. Not Burrisher. And I signed up and I don't know how this happened, but I was listening to a song by Britney Spears.

And I thought, I was like, oops, I'm back on Twitter. So I was like, oops, I'll do it again, but I misspelled again, and it said Asian. And I said, oh, oops, I did it Asian. That's funny. That's funny. But I misspelled Asian, so it's ASEAN. And so, and then I went on Rogan and I told him about my burner account, and he goes, you misspelled Asian. Then someone took my real, that burner account, oops, I did it Asian, and started posting as me.

And I was like, motherfucker. I can't win to lose. Lose to win? What? You know what I mean? At this point, I don't know if you should have your own room. I'll be honest with you. You guys if you guys come over for an overnight

You'd love it An overnight Leon let's me stay up on as a late as I want That's what young children say Come over for an overnight Yeah an overnight Yeah yeah yeah yeah It's awesome

I used to sleep in my screening room But I fucked my backup really bad Because it's not a bed It's just a couch Yeah I did the couch for a long time Yeah I like a couch I love it you're on the side

How's your one? No So I got one of the love sacks Is it love sacks? Yeah Where they're like pods And you put them all together And you sleep

end up sleeping on like a wall. I gotta be honest with you, those look like they suck. No, they're really great. Okay, they are great. You heard that? They really are great. They're really great.

Crasler. But you can't, you can't really sleep on them. I don't like the fancy couches that don't have a back. It's just like a one, a cylinder pillow that goes. This was one Airbnb we stayed out in L.A.

And he had a bad weekend, so let's just leave it at that. I don't think the couch was the worst. I don't do good in L.A. Man. No. Bad news. So how much weight are you down?

About 50. That feels good, doesn't it? Yeah, it feels good. And what are you down? 40. You look good. Oh, sorry. Take that, fatties.

Thank you. You look good. You look slim. I'm like, I'm probably 205 right now. Good God. Yeah. Is your wife sleeping? My bones are hollow, but.

Is your wife sleeping well? My wife's asleep. Yeah, well, we have a baby as well, so that's tougher. But that even got it more of like, well, who is ever kind of doing the night, we sleep can have opposite rooms because it's like, if you're not doing the night, get a fucking... Wait, can I ask you about that? Because I was like, I was, I'm going to see Mark Norman tomorrow. Comedy.

And I want to know if you guys are the dad, I was. Because I was a dad before, like, there were any dads really in comedy? Sure, you were a dad younger, too, though. I was, I was, I'm almost, I'm 39. Oh, yeah, I was 32. And he's probably, I mean, I don't know, Norman's probably 43 or something. Yeah, yeah. So, so do you, uh, how often are you home with the, with the family?

Well, he's seven months And we kind of strategically planned the last tour So I'd be home for like a good chunk of it Of the early on And then we went back on the road You know, some longer runs I think we did like a two week run or 10 day, 12 day run And like during the week

If you're in L.A like or if you're in New York Are you coming in the city to do spots or you I live in the city yeah I have an apartment in the city So then are you like I was I didn't do the like the traditional headline You were gone every weekend I was gone every single weekend

We don't have to do that be there Thursday for press Friday, Saturday, Sunday, come home Monday do pick up Monday because I'd get the early flight pick up Monday take them to Ralph's I mean I had a schedule take them to Ralph's we had a nanny for a period of time Leanne had a nanny because she was

for Mondays because Leanne worked Mondays and Thursdays and Fridays so I'd pick up the girls at school with the nanny because usually I was drunk because I'd fly and drink and so then we go to Ralph's I get food I'd make food for Monday night football and the nanny would stay

and the nannies were still close with all those nannies that they were just really cool chicks and then they were Did I know how you have your own room? Beautiful. Always beautiful. I mean I remember Liam Browna Fowlinan. Read the sign on the door. And I was like, yeah. I was like, what are we doing?

I was like, I was like, you think I want to hang out with her? You think I want to hang out with her? And then I was like, she's like, that's how what it's about. And I was like, can she get up and that on the ground with Ila? She was like, a point. She's like, no. If there's an emergency, can she pick her up? up and run out and you know so so uh well my day is like i woke up today we were doing here at noon

so like i had the morning you know with my family and then i'll be home after whatever eight hours i was doing stuff too breakfast wait you you're just still raw dog in right raw dog no no no no no jurs that mean jerking off in the bathroom i can jerk off wherever i want in my room no one stops me i can just jerk off i don't even need to ask anyone wait you were asking before? Leanne can, yeah, hold on, yeah, hold on. Really? Hold on. Yes. So I, this is, I can't believe I'm talking about this. So Leanne would say. First of all, nothing's ever stopped.

Nothing's ever stopped. I'd be shocked what I'm talking about on my news tour. I'm sure. Buddy, I have a joke that's so aggressive. Leanne's like, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. Yeah. We, I would say to Leanne, hey, do you want to this morning? She'd come into my room to get her stuff. Do you want to make love? Well, no, I'd ask for just to jerk me off.

Yeah, you want to jerk me off. She'd be like, I'm not really that into it. And I was like, you don't need to be into it. It's just your hand. And she'd be like, I'm good. And I'm like, then is it, I'm, is it cool by just do myself? She's like, yeah, sure. Yeah, that's fine.

Do you have the VR glasses on when you're asking her this? No, she has, she has no idea what VR life is like. Have you done jerking off a VR? No. Have you done it? No. Hold on. I have it.

Okay. I don't have the goggles. Bye. Dude, I was in a... I've never released a house. I was in this. Hold on, it's tough enough to get them in here on a Tuesday to begin with. You will.

You will not leave your house. I was in a five-sum and this Airbnb with these five chicks. I was a DJ. I was a DJ. On VR goggles. Oh. And, uh... DJ, they didn't want to lose their Airbnb deposit.

So they were like, can you help us hang out a little bit? And then one girl starts sucking my dick. And then they're whispering in your ear like, you like that pervert. and you're like and it's in your ear and you're like oh my god and then they're like sucking your nipples and you're looking like this and then it's crazy the best is when they make you

eat their pussy and they lift you the girl up and put her pussy right in your face and you're like uh it's crazy I normally don't do this but okay by the time the time I got a set in a half an hour I was watching orgies

just I was in orgies that I didn't even I wasn't even jerking off I was just like might as well why not be in an orgy got a plate of hors d'oeuvre's just eating you guys even looking at me Seems like you're getting a lot done over there at Casa Day Krecher Yeah

You guys want to come over for an overnight you can I will That reminds me We went out for something's burning And you guys went in to eat And you invited this in and he didn't want to go It you don't remember that day When was this

When we did something's burning Or the pod maybe We did something Yeah it was the first time we were at the house Oh at the house house house house not the podcast house No yeah sorry At your house When it was in the weight room

Oh yeah that was that was And you're like, guys, come in, and he's like, no, so we just sat in the back. And I'm like, dude, this is so much fucking weirder than anything we would do or say at the dinner table. And then they're like, you got, well, not knowing what you're up to now. I'd be up in there. Seven people get opened the door, like, be like, you sure you don't want to come in? We were all the way in the mirror. You guys said you were doing leftover nights.

Maybe it was something burning. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you shot around at that house.

And said everything up real nice in the center island. It was all I didn't want to leave. I really love what podcasting created. Like the whole world it created is so fucking cool. Yeah. It's great. I mean, it's the only reason. YouTube being the best.

You make every very welcome, very cozy. Well, I love that. Leanne really leaned into it. When we started doing something's burning out of the house, out of my house, she was like, this is great, but we need a different place to do this because people are, like, I remember Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli were. It was someone right before we were just there. I think maybe that's why you didn't want to go inside

because you were like, somebody was here yesterday and just, it just was. Oh, it was something's burning. We did it. I made you guys. Shepard's pie. No, we did Hagus. Haggis, yes. Yeah.

It was somethings. And Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli were then in before. And Eddie Bravo started talking, or no, they started talking to Isla about conspiracy theories. And we're like, this is the kid that you can't talk about the earth being flat. She'll believe it. And then, and then Eddie got her into Brazilian jiu-jitsu that night. and then Leanne and then we all smoked weed out by the by the fire pit and then Leanne goes hey we got to get this out of our house like this is too much for our girls and then you guys came over the next night you like you guys want to eat dinner with us and by this is why the girls are dead inside they're like get out of here but yeah but I love I love everything the podcast has brought in in my life it's been so fun yeah you know watching that like being there that day and then being on tour and stuff with you the handful of times we've done it being on the cruise it's like and I say it to my wife I'm like it made me really really realized that I come up, my family owned like a heating and air conditioning, like, company.

It was like a family business. And like that was the family. All kind of motions of the family go to the family business a little bit. You know what I mean? And I was like, oh, Bert, I'm like, Bert's family business is podcasting and comedy. And I'm like, we're the same. Like, it was easy to put in a package and send to my wife of like, this is what we're doing. Like we, you know.

A good amount of the stuff that we do is model after our experiences with you. No. Yeah. Are you serious? Except for the DJ Orgies. Could I add that that in a list? You have to get those Oculus. They'll blow your mind.

No. No, it's crazy. My daughter, Georgia, went to an open mic the other night. To watch or to perform? She had a friend performing, and she went to support. And then she called me and she was like, Dad, they were horrible. Yeah. But you got to remember.

You know, who she was groomed on was like Joey Diaz, Tommy, Gillis, Salvo Con. I mean, she's been groomed around. I don't think grooms the word you want to throw around that. But yeah. Yeah, groom's the wrong word. You start losing. It's really hard when he started on first. But like, but like, she, like, Gillis was the first,

Dave Attell and Shane Gillis were the first comics that she liked. And so those are your entry level. It's a high bar. Yeah. And so she went to this open mic. She was like, God, they were horrible. And I was like, really? She's like, yeah.

And then she started telling me the joke, the guy would tell. And then she was like, she could have, I would have gone this way. And I was like, I was like, you sure you don't want to do stand up? Uh-oh. She's never going to do stand-up. They'll never do stand-up. Kevin's talking about Shopify. Shopify.

Shout up all the hustlers out there. Yeah. Shut up all the brick and mortar stores out there. Yeah. Could be using Shopify. You know, he uses Shopify. Who's that? We do.

Oh, are you garbage? Uses Shopify. You want to take your games at the next level. Do yourself a favor. Get on Shopify. The number one, absolutely fantastic way to grow your sales, your orders, and expand your markets right down the line, baby. And take that from national business, man, H. Foley.

That's right. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell, online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household names to first-time businesses, business owners just getting started. It gives you all the teams, all the tools you need to build your store. You can choose from hundreds of beautiful templates. You can customize to match your brand. Listen, if you buy merch from, are you garbage? You are ordering from a Shopify website, baby. That's what we're doing. They got a build-in AI tools, the right product descriptions, headline to help you edit your product photos. They have built-in marketing too. You can create

email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. And as you grow, Shopify will grow with you. You can handle more orders, expand the new markets, and do it all from the same day's board. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash garbage. Go to Shopify.com slash garbage. Here's your first sale of the new year with Shopify. By your side, do it.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just, it's such a, it's a tough thing to do in the wake of. specifically you or anybody, you know. I think so. Any sort of, even if you've achieved any sort of relative success or fame, it's tough. I wouldn't be doing anything. If you were them.

What? He's trying not to do stuff now. I'm like, buddy, we got a plan for retirement. Waiting you out. You kidding me? The new thing is, the new trend is you give your kid their inheritance while you're alive. All right. That's the new trend because you lose, you get rid of all the-

Pass it with warm hands. You, you tag. All the tax. stuff where they get taxed when you die that whatever that's called estate tax you get rid of that you give them the money and then you have to pay taxes on it if you give it to them no but I think you do it

in portions I was someone told me about it and then what you do is you get to teach your children how to deal with money as opposed to like you die leave them a lump sum of money and then they're like I guess I'm going to go to a visa and you're like so that's the new thing I've been hearing about

yeah it's good yeah I didn't get do you guys are you guys getting any money when Your family dies. What? I mean, like the house and stuff like that. Yeah. But, I mean, at this point, you know, my brother does pretty well. My sister does okay.

So it's like, we're, everybody's kind of chilling. I'm getting a golden retriever with bad knees. I get nothing. You've done okay. No, but I always thought I'd get like an inheritance. You hear people get an inheritance. And I was like, no, no inheritance for this guy. Wait, your dad, what do you mean?

It's just not going to you? No, it's not going to me. Well, it's not going to me, I'm sure, but I, but I, I mean, it's not nothing to speak of. Like, I think, you know, his house, my sisters and I will split it. But, like, it's not going to be like, it's not going to be like, when I was in college, my goal was to be an heir. I was like, I don't, I don't want to be, I don't want to work. I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I did not have any goals. I didn't have any, any future. And I was like, please have a rich uncle show up and leave me German bearer bonds, where I'm like, I'm just sitting in German bearer bonds. Your dad did well, though. You did fine, yeah. But it's not like, I mean, it's not like I'm getting an inheritance, you know? Like, how much are you getting?

What are you? Nothing. You have a heating and air company. Well, I don't talk to my dad anymore, but sure, that's on any. But the problem with owning a small business is we say this a lot is like they were, you know, new money for lack of a better term. But they made money. They'd be like three good years and it'd be like, this is awesome. We have a Lincoln Navigator.

And then like two weeks later, they take it out of the driveway. And like, okay, we no longer have a Lincoln Navigator. Let's say this. I think my parents live too long. I think if they had died earlier, I'd have gotten a little cash. But at this point, they're like, like, I pay for their flights to L.A. Like, yeah, like, they're like, they're not, like, super wealthy people. Like, they can take care of themselves, but my dad still works.

She's 77. My mom still works. She's 77. You're super wealthy. Me. Yeah. No, I am. No one else is.

These broke his motherfuckers ain't. Look at your head's at these men. I got my own room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe if you work hard. I can get a second job, bootstraps.

What do you think would be the funnest garbage thing to buy with money? Well, how much money? Let's say you have like $40 million in the bank. I'd be in South America. Yeah, he'd be dead. This is crazy. No, no, no. He got 20 grand and almost died.

All right, here's a deal. You guys are, you guys. I told you L.A. was bad, okay? Your ad sales team calls you and they're like, yo, we want to do a deal with Pepsi for the Super Bowl. we're going to give you they reached out they didn't like our ideas so i guess you didn't take that deal but we didn't get no i'm kidding it's also they people send us up they're like oh you want this or it's like oh they're going to go with okay let's say let's say let's say got a case of wild cherry pepsi

shit's good i love it yeah it's really i think pepsies is better than coke mr crecher welcome to the show would you like to hear the h foley theory please that the united states of america please we are at our best we are at our coolest when pepsi and burger King are at the top of the charts. Historically, we've always been cooler. I'm not going to disagree with one word you said. That is, that is, can I tell you,

I just got in an argument with Tom about this? The Whopper with cheese is way better, way more fulfilling than a Big Mac. I will give you that. Although McDonald's is true to my heart. A hundred percent. Yeah. Listen, McDonald's, no one can fuck with McDonald's fries. But,

and the McDonald's cheeseburger, pretty legit. If you take out the bottom bun and you just taco it, it's pretty legit. Yeah, there's too much mustard on the Burger King bun, on the Burger King Cheeseburger. Are you allowed to eat up in your room? Oh, I can do anything in my room. What time do? What time do friends have to leave? Midnight. Midnight. I can't stay too late.

Have you ever had anybody up there, and you were hanging out in your room, like, were you in one of your buddies? I had to sit in the bed with it. Kyle comes into my room sometimes. He'll just walk into my room. Check for your pulse. He doesn't even knock. He just walks in my room. Yeah. You wake up, you got a pet in your hand. Yeah. I journal in my room.

Are you journaling? I started journaling because I was like, you know, what happened is I was on so, I was doing so. I would love to see that handwriting. Oh, it's. How do you hold a pencil? Oh, the right way. Are you sure about that? Yeah, 100%.

I see. Okay. That's good. Yeah. It's not bad. Not like this, like an animal. Uh-huh. Or like this, like Taylor Swift.

That's cool. Well, hang on. That guy. That person failed every test. I made fun of her. And one of her people came up to. to me or like a person who's close to her. Was like heads up, you know, she's a guitar player.

So like, she's protecting her fingers. And I went, oh, okay. She's convinced everyone around her to lie. But so I journaled because I started journaling on my 20, on my 50 third birthday because I was like, I was doing so many podcasts at that time. I was like, I have nothing to talk about. I have this, I'm on every podcast.

I've got three, I release a week. And I was like, my thoughts are drained. Like, I go on a podcast with, nothing to talk about. And then I just decided to come back my podcast. I was like, this is, and I still journal, but it's more for writing new material.

It's good. I don't tell material on podcasts. So, like, if I say something really funny, I'll be like, can you please take that out? You're safe on this. Yeah, lucky. I'm good on this podcast. Pumpkin.

Can I ask you this? Sure. Have you, you eat out a lot, right? Yeah. I heard about that DJ party. Dude, it gets so close to your mouth, he puts your head against the wall. You're literally like.

There's just holes in your wall. Kyle's in there, spackling. That ain't grout. Two things. Big debate on the podcast as of late. How do you feel about the airport breakfast? Going to the airport. Not now.

I know your schedule now. Yeah. The way you operate. But let's say, let's put you in our shoes, right? We travel, five, six guys travel. We meet at JFK. We meet two hours early. Flight at 11, we get there at 9.

Check our bags, the whole nine-yard, make sure everybody gets it. You're dealing with, you're dealing with New York traffic. Someone might get jammed up. We want to have enough time. Then we get there. We got 90 minutes. We all grab breakfast. Yeah.

That's become a ritual now. I like that. Yeah, that's good, right? I like that a lot. Well, here's a deal. I'd like you to get breakfast. I'm going to get cocktails. Sure.

I'm going to do double vodka soda while you get breakfast and I'm going to order bacon. But you're not doing a show that night. If you're doing, if you're doing a show that night, you're not. Yeah, yeah. Are you? Yeah, if I'm flying, I'm drinking. Really? Right now I'm not drinking when I'm flying just because I can't.

But if I'm flying, I'm drinking. And I'll make sure the flight's early. And I'll make sure I get, I won't drink on the flight. I'll drink before the flight. Pass out on the flight. And then, hence the blood clots. And then. But yeah, no, but I'll order a side of bacon.

I won't order like a full breakfast. Okay. Fair enough. I like that. What if, let's say you're on the plane. Yeah. You're sitting, you know, let's say you're sitting up front. It's two and two.

You know what I mean? You're in the aisle. Guy next to you was on the window. you land It's commercial He stands up Yeah Does the window get to stand up

The guy at the window Get to stand up And try to get in the aisle I got into an argument about this The other day Welcome to the show Wait, did you tell him that you're the first That you're in seat row one

So the plane lands And he stands up He's a window He's a window And I said do you need me To get your bag for you And he went no I'll get it And I went no but I'm going to get out

In a second I can grab your bag can give it to you. And he went, no, I'll grab it. And well, give me a second because I'm going to get out and I'm going to grab my bag and put my jacket on real quick. And well, yeah, of course, of course. I was like, I'll be passive aggressive as fuck. Sure. And then the woman across the hall, I got out, I put my jacket on. And she gets up and she pulls her bag out and hits me in the back. Now, in a weird thing with blood thinners, you can't get any head injuries. So the second I I get in the back with a fucking, I'm like hyper aware. And I said, I'm so sorry. Am I in your

way, ma'am? And she went, no, no, no, I'm trying to get my bag down. I go here. And I grabbed it and I moved it all the way to the door of the plane. I went, there you go. You're the first out of the plane. You're fucking cunt. Take that. Take that. I am hyper.

Now, here's the wild one. Have a couple of drinks, will you? I know. I was sober. Drinking on a plane. Leanne doesn't like sitting in bulkhead. So I love bulkhead. What does that mean?

It's when a fat chick. I blow you. Guys, what are we even doing here? Are you even listening? Luke, that's a clip. Journal that. Bullkehead. I love bulkhead and swallow, but they always swallow.

They're fat. Anyway, so the, the, bulkhead's the front row, the first row. I like sitting in bulkhead. Okay. So I'm in the front row. Leanne hates it because if you sit in bulkhead, your bags have to go up top, and she doesn't want to have the panic of making, she wants to put her bag on it at her feet.

Sure. So Leanne is sitting in two at A. I'm sitting in one C. So we're across the aisle from each other. She's one behind me, or maybe two behind me. me. The woman behind me, I recline my seat and she kicks it so that I, I don't recline it, kicks it, not like just like this. Wham! And I turn around and the guy with her is like older and he's staring at me and I go live on, we're about to land and I go live on Facebook,

on Instagram and I say, I'm about to get into a fight on a plane. I want everyone to witness this. And I said, because if you're, if I'm live, I know how I am if I have a mic on, I behave better. If I know their cameras around, I behave better. And I said, I know you're watching. So if you're watching, I'm not going to do what I want to do, which is fucking lose my mind. Leanne sees I'm live and starts from the back chirping like, hey, nope, nope, it's not worth it. And I went, no, no, no, no. I go, it is, it is.

And then she kicks my chair again. And I turn around, I go, are you fucking serious? And now everyone's like, I'm losing my mind. I'm drunk. Leanne, the plane lands, and I immediately stand up to a get in the woman's face, and Leanne gets up and boxes me out. She gets in front of me and goes, let's go, big boy. Here we go.

And I go, hold on, I'm not done. The woman... Go to your room. Was a nurse. The woman was a nurse, and she was with an elderly patient. She was getting to, like, what you might call it? And she was just a fucking cunt. And the poor guy she was with was just some elderly guy trying to get from point A to point A to point

Point B, hired a nurse to get him there. He didn't pick his nurse. And he's looking at me again, like, please don't. This isn't my day. I don't want this to be my day. Yeah. Jesus. Oh.

And then, and then it gets better. You're an internationally known celebrity. The next flight I'm on. You're on free bird, January 22nd. The next flight I'm on. I get up. I'm sitting bulkhead, obviously. This is one where it's one and two, okay?

That's a CRJ-900. It is. I know. Yeah. I'm really obsessed with planes like that. I know a lot of different planes. So I get on, I put my bag up top on the other side, because this side's too small for a backpack.

I put it up top, and guys sitting in this front row, their bags are here, so I put it in the row behind, two A and B, B, C, and D. Two gay guys walk on. We weren't on the flight. And the guy, all the luggage areas is taken. They're the last one's on the plane. Your fault.

And he grabs my bag and he goes, no, no. And he pulls it down and he throws it at me. He goes, put that at your feet. And I grab my bag. And I go, absolutely not. And I put it back up. And I go, my bag will stay there because I don't have a place to put my bag. And he goes, no.

And he tries to cram it in the other side. I go, it won't fit. It won't fit. Flight attendant flies out and goes, you stop immediately. Like lights him up. And he is embarrassed. Now, his boyfriend is the softer, fatter one. And he's more like skinny, right?

It's almost like you too a little bit. And he is talking at the top of his lungs about how he's going to get in my face. He's going to let me know. Guys like this in high school, he's talking about me. What are you flying? Spirit airline? Alaskin. What's going on?

I'm going to a gig. I'm going to a gig. I'm going to a gig. And I'm watching this. If it's not in Alaska, you shouldn't be on Alaska air. It's not doing Juku Charlies. It's, yeah. Oh, no, it's one of those, it's like Spokane.

Pacific Northwest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, I'm hearing him talk very loud. He wants me to hear him about guys like this in high school. They thought they could get their way with us. He's going to put his bag there. I'll put my bag where I... And he's loud as shit.

And I'm literally like, I'm going to lose my mind. Here we go. I'm drinking. And at the last minute, I decided to kill him with kindness. And we land and I get up and I rush him, right? I rush him. And he's like this. He didn't expect me to get there that fast.

And I get in his face. I go, hey, I'm really sorry about my bag. I said I just have no footroom to keep my bag. And so I had to put it up there. And I really apologize. Did not expect that. And he goes, no, no, no, it's okay. I'm so sorry that I acted that way.

I behaved out of man. And his boyfriend was like, thank God, we're not fighting. Jesus, he killed him with kindness. I sucked his dick. I was going to say, you're going to start kissing. Yeah. My brother got into it on a plane, getting off the plane and with a lady. She was, it was just like, he was just like, you know, hey, something with his kids.

Something happened. and she kept going, he hit me, he hit me, and my brother's like, I didn't fucking, and now that's making him even more, man. So they get the customs, and she's like, he hit me, and so they take my brother, shut up. Like the custom, like, you know. Edit my two stories out.

This is so much better. They take them into the room. He's like, dude, it's me and like fucking four guys with like, like the AKs and everything. And they're like, you know, and he's like, I didn't fucking touch her, like, and they're like being stern, you know what I mean? and he's like, he's sitting there,

and he's in there by himself, and he's like, he's like, I'm thinking of every name I could try to fucking drop out. He's like, I don't know anybody on a federal level. Like, I can get out of the speeding ticket in Philadelphia.

Yeah. I can't get out of fucking customs. So the guy came in with, he has his passport, throws his passport back to him. He goes, he's like, your brother's Kevin. And he's like, yeah,

he goes, tell him, I love the show. Let him go. Shut up. Yeah, he's like, oh, she's being a price. He's like, he's like, I didn't hit her. He's like, yeah, of course. He's like, you're in a, you're in JFK. It'd be on 90 cameras if you got in a fist fight in a terminal.

All right. Edit my two stories out and keep this one. All right. So I'm flying Canada. I'm flying Canada, Arizona, all right? I got the pilot in a headlock. Why you do Boston, Chicago? What are you doing?

Canada, because that's what we used to tour them back in the day. I know, I know. I have my bag. My bag is a steel Ramoa bag. This all isn't recently? No, this is, this is, I mean, these are, I've flown for years. I'm putting my steel Ramoa bag. in the overhead.

I'm later on the flight. I'm pretty hammered, okay? I also have merch money from Canada, but back in the day was crazy. I put my steel bag up, and I forget its steel, and it doesn't catch, and it slides out and onto a dude's face,

breaks his glasses and his nose, okay? Blood's coming out of his nose, his grasses are broken, and he loses his mind. Now, I'm in the wrong. Asian fella. His grasses. I'm in the wrong on this, clearly.

But he loses his mind. And he starts screaming at the flight attendant. Fuck you. Fuck you. You set this up. You set this up. And the flight attendant's like this. And I'm going, what happened?

Like, so I go, sir, I'm so sorry. You're all fucked up. This guy's crazy. He's yelling at the flight attendant. And I go, sir, I really apologize. I'm so sorry. Please, please, please. Let me make this up to you.

Can I give you money for your glasses? He goes, you can't afford these glasses. Now mind you, I have about $10,000 worth of loonies in my pocket from merch, okay? This back when Edmonton was bubbling in the oil, and you could make tons in merch. Sir, I did very well on coosies this weekend. I'll have you know. I pull out all this cash, and I break them off $4,000. And I go, this should take care of your troubles and your glasses.

The whole first class doesn't know what to say. They're like, what the fuck. The flight attendant says, you don't have to do that. It was an accident. And I said, I want to do it. I give him the money. I turn around and sit down. Halfway through the flight, he comes up and he goes, my glasses weren't this much.

And he gives me like $3,000 back. And he goes, I can't take your money. And he goes, and I know it's not your fault. She said it up. And I went, no, no, no, no. This was an accident, sir. And he goes, no, no, no, I know what happened. We get to Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona.

Cops are waiting for him. He had gotten into a fight with a flight attendant before the flight took off. And he thought it was her who had said to him. said to me, hey, when you get on, will you throw your back in that guy's face and break his nose real quick? Here's four grand. This guy looks like a patsy.

You can set him up. Dude, I thought you were... I thought those other two stories were recently. Those were the other day. That's crazy! Yeah, Canada was... Canada was... Yeah.

Where was Kyle? Kyle was in the back. You remember both those, right? You remember both those. You can't have him fighting with people? Hey, who gives a fuck at this point? Let him do whatever the fuck he wants. goddamn celebrity

Well the alternative is That's why We can fight him if you want Burn I don't care But you guys don't get Like someone that you don't get the You sit next to a guy And the guys like

We sit next to each other And that's me going Because we land And his vet has tries to get out And Ohio He's going He's a real dick When we fly

Especially you were coming home I can't talk to him Put his headphones I still got bits He gets He gets mad I want to listen to something But it's fucking

All these You see all these fights On airplanes And it's crazy. It's crazy until it's you. And then you're like, like, someone kicks your seat or like shakes your seat. Do you push that old guy's seat up?

That was years ago. You were flying out to meet him. That was years ago. Okay, do you think someone should be able to recline their seat? Because a lot of people say no. I don't do it. If someone reclines, I tend to eat it unless the person behind me is back. I try to be the change I want in the world. I think

if they would not want you to recline if they didn't make reclining seats. I agree. Sure. They wouldn't put yellow in the stoplight if they didn't want you to run it every now and then. That's a big brain idea. Yeah. I mean, so I don't understand the idea that I can't recline my seat if my seat reclined. Sure.

Do you next thing you're going to tell me I can't drink alcohol in the plane when they serve alcohol? Because there's just serving it as like, it's just like there. Even though I have blood clots and I'm on blood dinners. I can't drink all. I had a fucking bullshit flight the other day. I played video games all the time. I'm playing that fucking stupid solitaire. I had to teach myself to dooku.

He's got the VR thing on? No. I got, well, put me in a. VR on a fucking plane. Can I get the chicken, please? Flight attendant. Can I help you? I go heat up two pieces of roast beef and dangle them in front of my face.

Man, you're getting squirrelly. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Please. In the world, just to get back on a food for a minute, trying to write this ship a little bit. That's fucking, are you garbage?

You're at a mall food court. It's dinner time. What's your go-to? Ooh. I'll tell you what my... I'm never doing Asian food at a food mart. Why? And like a, like a, at a mall?

Why? I never do Asian food there. It never satisfies. I agree with that. Yeah. It's crazy. Surprised. I am.

Not a walk and roll guy? I'm not going to do pizza because it's not a full meal. It'd be a Sabaros usually. Yeah, Sabarros never delivers what I want it to deliver. I am a big, big, big sub guy. And I like a sub will fill me up and I only have. to eat half of it. And I'll tell you what, ever since I started Majaro, the only food that always delivers is an Italian sub. I would get an Italian sub, get a diet spright.

Oh. Whoa. Whoa. And I like it when the bread's messy and sloppy and soft. I love, I love, you know what a Pub sub is? You know PubSub is? You know Pub? Pub. I love getting Italian Pub sub flipping it upside down, okay? Not because if you keep it there, everything's going to run there naturally. Flip it upside down, let it sit in the fly, so that the top bread gets moist. This is our burger theory. If you take a bite of a burger, depending on the bun, the bigger buns on top, you then invert the burger and then grab it like this. So you don't have to like do that. You take it, boom, put it on top. Like a back-o. Oh, wow. I like that. Right? Yeah. Let the juices run through it. Because that bot, sometimes that bottom slice gets

all fucking, it's like mushed by the end of it. Oh, no, are you a regular burger? Or a smash burger person. A regular burger. Yeah, let me tell you something. Smash burgers are everywhere. What are we doing? This fucking smash burger shit. Everybody shut up.

It's like shaved pussies. You're like, yeah, we got it. But I also want to see a little hair there. I don't know. I do like them shave pussy. Do you really? He goes, do you really? Like, I'm crazy.

No, I like a good. I like black licorish? What? You do? No. Do you like black lagers? No. I love black licks.

Let me tell you something. My mom lately. I like black pussy. I'm sorry. What are you? Mark Norman? Black, man. Blah blab-la-blah-la-ba-back.

Just word associations? I got a Disney audition after this. Do you, zip it? My mom lately has been stocking the house with Good and Plenny's. When's the last time you had one of them? Just pull it up real quick. You don't know what a Good & Plumns? No, I do.

I got to see it. So he doesn't. No, I can't remember Good and Plenty. A little black liquors inside with the candy candy. You probably know those box. That box. Oh, I know Good and Plenty's. No one ever fucking buys.

Buddy, they're great. So I got, I did that show with Cody Rhodes, and our executive producer was a British guy, and he found these. Hello. There's very hard to get black licorice wrapped in chocolate. You get them in Europe, and they're so fucking crazy. Okay.

They're so good. You can only have like two of them because they're so rich. That's crazy. And when Pete, I introduced them to Pete, my old assistant, and when we were doing Europe, Pete walked by a store, store and they had them and he bought them and I used to buy them all their job they come they come in like a tube they're black liquorish wrapped in chocolate and they're fucking incredible I'm with it I don't know I got it I like I like so I like sardines those by any chance lacrids that's it that's it that's it

lacrids by Bulo that's it they're so good they're kind of are they expensive uh 21 bucks yeah those are incredible but you can only have a couple they're like a like a saber it type I've never had anything where I can only have a couple. I wish I had that. Flavor ice cream, one flavor for the rest of your life. Coffee. Are you doing like one? What?

I can't believe you pick coffee. I love it. I like when it gets a little bit of, when it melts a little bit. Yeah. Coffee guy. Are we doing like a one flavor for the rest of your life? Like a vanilla chocolate or like I can do the fucking the Benin jerry's. Oh, yeah, I didn't think.

I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. I do. I'd do to Chubby Hubby. Chubby. God, I guess I would do one of the. those I do one of those caramel brownies from Ben and Jerry's but I think ultimately if you said one for the rest of my life and I meant like you know we're on vacation I don't know if I want to

fucking whole brownie in my I think I'd go salted caramel I like that gentlemen that's a first crazy thing you ever said no thank you bert have you ever owned a fighter pilot's jacket that had like the patches and stuff I I own a spaceman's jacket like a spaceman or is what are they called NASA, astronaut, astronaut, astronaut's jacket. Okay. It got given to me. Well, that's very cool. Yeah, from NASA.

From a... From what? NASA. NASA. NASA. The Bahamas? Nope. NASA.

NASA. NASA. NASA. NASA. Okay. This guy's screwballs. If you go over someone's house, will you look through their medicine cabinet? Yeah.

Okay. Good man. Especially, like, first date. Yeah. See what's up? Looking for Valtrex. Yeah. Seeing what she's on.

It's like a, you know, fucking snooping peek. I had, I had, I've had only one night stand in my life. One, only one one night stand of my life. And I was at Rite Aid one time. And I, she was standing in front of me at the pharmacy. And I was like, what is she getting cured? As after? Yeah.

It was like, it was like not that long after. But it was fine. I think she was just getting out of cold. I think she was totally. Yeah. Do you like bread and butter pickles? Love them. Good man.

Love them. Love them. Um, with your success, Hollywood, all that kind of stuff, have you guys ever been to a party that involved masks where you wear like those, you know, like eyes wide shut type of thing, masquerades? No. Okay. I hate to think. Let me run this. No, I've been to some weird parties.

Like, we've been to parties where someone tried to, wanted to fuck Leanne, wanted to switch girls. Whoa. And she was pregnant. And we were like, what the fuck? Like, yeah, we've been to some weird parties. Hollywood people are broken. I mean, people are everywhere broken, I should say. But especially.

High concentration. I'm in a thousand pieces. Yeah. You'll say you're cooking breakfast. You're making scramble. What kind of egg do you do? By the way, you do a scramby? You do an omelet?

What do you do? So I do sunny side up, but I let it sit for a while longer. Because I like, I've turned, the odor I've gotten, the more of a consistency of a yoke I want. Sure. I want to enjoy the yoke. I want to drag the yolk. I don't want the yolk to run. I want it to slowly kind of.

Like, I want it. A little thicker. When Forrest Gump had the braces on his leg, not after the braces. Gotcha. Wait, you want to, you don't want the yolk to run. You don't like a runny yolk. I like a runny yolk, but I don't like a crazy runny yolk. Like a watery runny yolk.

Where's a little bit of white mixed in? Can I turn you on to something? Please. What do you know about a soft boiled egg? I love a soft boiled egg. I love a soft boiled egg. It's so good. It's so good.

There is the, I would argue that, do you have a suvie? Now. Suvies. Yeah. I'm my mouse watering right now. I got a house plant. They can make you the perfect soft-boiled egg to the perfect consistency you want.

It is the, I mean, I will suck down soft-boiled egg. If you send me to Europe, I only eat soft-boiled egg. Oh, God. Like, Hercule Palo. You know who that is? From Agatha Christie, he would always get a soft-boiled egg, and he'd crack it with his spooks. They send it in like a little bowl.

Yeah. And he cracks it with a spoon and then eats it out of the egg shell. My wife doesn't. They call that something, right? Toy Soldiers or something? Guy in a thing or something. Yeah, but that's in the piece of toast kind of, I think. Frogging a hole.

Frogging a hole is the first thing ever learned how to cook. Well, let's say you're making those eggs. You got a carton of eggs. You get a carton. You crack an egg. You do that. You do that. Where does that egg go?

Does it go back in the carton or in the trash canter? In the cart. Oh, and by the way, I've gotten sick from that. What? Yeah, I got sick from that. Salmonella? Yeah. I got really sick from that.

I got really sick from that because I would crack up in the things. and then I went on the road for a week. I came back, same egg yolk sitting in the bottom. And I would say it's cold, though. I, but it's out of the egg. Yeah. Saturday. It's bad.

And then what happened is there was an egg that was stuck in there. I had that. And I kind of pulled it out. And then another one I pulled it out, and it fell into the egg yolk. And then it dropped into the bowl. Oh, violent vomit. Violence, violent vomit. Any Christ your family photos where you guys are all wearing the same shirt?

Yes, 100%. You're a family man. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, I did- Not, thus. Oh. I was like, what? No, my girls, we had a, we won.

So I'm really, you know, I'm really aggressive at, like, auctions and, like, raffles and stuff. So one of the things I won in one of my many raffles that I've won. And by the way, you have no idea. I have, you have no idea how aggressive I've gotten at these raffles. Like, to the point where George and Ila's old school invited us back to the night, the raffle night, because they needed money for the school. A little bit of cash. one of the ones I won was a family photo session with one of the parents who's a photographer

and I made the girls dress up in the same, we all wear the same outfit and it is so hilarious because we took every family photo you could ever imagine but my favorite one is I had my arm on Leanne's shoulder Leanne had her arm on Georgia's shoulder and Jorda had her arm on Ely's shoulder

and Ila just put her arm out in the air and it is such a fucking ice is And it's such a funny, but it was, it's the funest photo shoot we've ever done. Let me ask you this. You're at a party. Maybe a holiday party, something like that. Not close to your house. Not far away, but not close.

I already know what you're going to say. Yes, I take a shit there. You do. Yes. And in his bathroom. In where? Whose bathroom? In our friend Colleen and, and what's this?

I forget his name. You go upstairs to there. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Let's just, let's be very clear. And we could call Leanne about this. I come back from Vietnam. The girls...

You're welcome for my service. I come back from Vietnam. 11-year-old Marine. I get in like in the morning. I take a nap. I wake up. Leanne's like, yo, we have a Christmas party at Jeff and Colleen's. And so I'm like, okay.

So my schedule's off. My body's off. I get there. You know, have Vietnamese food in you. That's a lot of soup. A lot of Vietnamese food in me. So I get there and their house is beautiful. He is the guy who sets up video village, right?

As a matter of fact, he took us into his garage right before this. I hope Jeff's listening. And he took us into his garage to show us how organized he was. And his garage is crazy organized. So we go inside, we have a couple drinks, and I realize I have to take a shit. So I go to their guest bathroom, and I blow it out. Now. How far from the people are you?

By the garage, closer than I'd like to the kitchen. Is this one where someone's waiting to go? Like, someone will go, there's another bathroom that they use. I'm sure there's another bathroom, but this is the bathroom I would go to. If you come into the house right away out of the garage, this is the bathroom you hit. Okay. I was unaware of my blowback at the time in that I hit the water and it blows back on the seat. And I was unaware of what I did to the back of the toilet.

I kind of just flushed. He's no look at it. Jesus. Flussed and walked away. That's wild. He was livid. Really? He was like really upset.

And by the way, we're still friends. He's a cool dude. But he was like, he went to school on Monday. and he was like, who took a shit in my bathroom? And like, what do you mean? He's like, at the party, someone took a shit in my bathroom, and it ruined my bathroom. Like, I have to get worked out on that toilet now.

Like, I have to change the seat. Like, it's gross. And everyone's like, no one. Change the seat. Like, it's a guy's being a bit dramatic. A little scrubbing bubbles. You'd be all right. He was aggressive.

And then he was going around doing the rounds. And then he got to me, he was like, do you know who took a shit in my bathroom? I said, oh, that was me. And he goes, you admit to that? And I was like, yeah, I was bad. And he was like, very bad. fucking destroyed my bathroom and I was like yeah I know he was like why would you do that and I went why would you put a toilet there if you didn't want me to shit in it might not allowed to piss in it

either like what do we do here like if it's toilet I shit in it if it's a pit you know like pressure's losing it uh-huh hold on you don't shit at someone's house yes but there's he wants to use the master bedroom which I said is a little invasive that's insane what are you talking about you're out of your fucking mind I'm trying to have there you guys if you want to shit in my house shit at the door, shit in the bathroom by our front door. Do not go into Leanne's bedroom. He's shit in there.

Shit in my wife's toilet. Here's the other thing. You wouldn't like that? Are you wouldn't let me? I would let you shit in my bathroom. Do you have a bathroom? Never going to someone's master bedroom. I should of your own list, though. There's shit all over in your new room? Do you have a bathroom in your new room? It's attached to my room.

It's not in my room. I got to walk down the hallway to go to my bathroom. It kind of sucks. Man, your parents sound like they suck. Yeah. Dude, you cannot, you cannot go into

someone's master bathroom to take a shit. That's so amazing. That's like your inner saint. That's like the, that's like your only place like no other people have been. You might as well shit in their shoes.

It's a party. It's a party. There's people there. I'm a heavy guy. I'm a bigger guy. If I go in and dump it out like in that thing, it's going to be,

people are going to know that I took a shit in there. Then I said if that embarrasses you, they should go home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, you either...

I'm an invited guest. No, I would never... I would never go into someone's bedroom. Yeah, wild, right? Yeah, I would never go to someone's bedroom. I would never go upstairs in someone's house. He was giving me shit that, like, if we were at my house... Shut over somebody's toilet.

It was downstairs by the garage. It seemed like it was like garage. It's messy stuff happens. Huh. Yeah. So you think if you guys are having a party and I end up to Lianne, I was like, I'm just crazy, I'm sorry. I really got to go.

No, here's the difference. You don't... If you're at our house, if you're at our house, and you go, hey, I got to take a... fucking burner. I don't want to embarrass myself. Can I use your mastermind? Liam would say, of course.

But if Leanne walked in and you're like, someone's in here, she'd be like, what the fuck is he doing? You got a robe on and shit. I had someone as a comedian, I will remain unnamed, who took a shit at my house and told me, can I have a towel? And I said, why? Because he has to shower after

he shits. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's a black dude for sure. Nope. No. I know who it was. You do? I assume it was Mr. No, no, no. You think Joey Diaz? No, he just shits. No, I had an Asian guy

came to my house and was like, everyone's gonna guess Bobby Lee, and I'm not gonna say it wasn't, but it's not. But I had an Asian guy come to my house and he was like, if I take a shit, I got to take a shower, or you have a towel. And I was like, what do you go?

I got to take a shit, I'm so sorry. And I was like, and then he took his shit and I shower in my daughter's bedroom. That's my daughter's bathroom. That's no way. My daughter's bathroom, yeah. I would never do that. Yeah, I had a guy, I had a guy,

it's safe to say Nick Thune when he was going through his hardcore alcoholism I was completely unaware and he was like hey can I use your daughter's bathroom real quick and I was like yeah and then he like a month's later he goes you know when I went in there I just destroyed that bathroom

just throwing up shitting just because he was going through DTs and I was like I didn't know that Jesus Christ yeah I'm glad you got that out of the house now recording somewhere else What's your sick protocol? You're not feeling well.

I don't. I just deal with it. Like, I'll get, if I'm getting sick, I feel I'm getting sick, I'll get an IV. You get back to L.A. right now, you got a little fever. Are you staying in the room? Are you shutting it down? Are you working through it? I work through.

I work through it, but I get an IV. Like, if I'm feeling sick, I get an IV. That's the first thing I do. And then, and I'll get a good night's sleep. I take some Benadryl. You get it. in the IV so it knocks me the fuck out and then I sleep hard as shit

like the red clay strays were in LA and I started feeling like I was getting sick and I just landed we were going to go straight to their show and I was like yo I gotta call it because I don't want to get too sick so I got an IV Benadryl in the bed I passed out with the IV in my arm I woke up the next morning feeling better I am not

one of those people that if I get sick I don't work I don't understand people who go I'm sick I can't come in today I think that's just you want a day off I mean I work every single day if I'm sick I go on stage. I mean, I've had COVID 11 times. Like, I don't, I, I, I bear through it. I've got blood clots. I'm not supposed to be fucking working the way I'm working. And I'm here. Like, I go, I don't get, I don't understand the people who are like, you know what,

I feel like I'm getting sick. I don't want to come in. I go, cool to never come in. I mean, I understand that no one listening to this is going to go, that makes sense, Bert. I get a I'm just saying, I am a man, and I've never let a flu dictate what I'm doing. I work. I work. I get a headache. I shut it. He goes, he'll go, I'm feeling a little sicky.

I know I ain't hearing from him from 72 hours. Are you serious? I had a guy who was a guest at my sister's house. And he came out and he was like, I can't really hang out today. I have diarrhea. And I was like, hold on. I'd never leave the house. I go, he was staying in my sister,

and I go, first off, why tell anyone you have diarrhea? Right? And who sits in a room if you have diarrhea? You hang out in the house and you just make runs to the toilet. You don't just sit in a room with diarrhea. Like, it's such a soft way to look at life. Yeah.

I have diarrhea all the fucking time. I had wild diarrhea last night. And I just was like, that's what it is. Yeah. It's just, it's part for the courts. Also, you got to know when I was 11, I got all my teeth knocked out while I had baseball bat during a baseball game and my dad made me finish he in.

remember so like so like i'm not respect i'm not like a and like i can't imagine someone who goes on vacation is sick and it's like i gotta shut it down i'm like well you're only here once get after it just happened to me are you serious i had a norovirus oh okay that was bad one time dude i thought i genuinely thought i was not i couldn't stand up one time i had the swine flu and i was in mexico patient zero oh swine flu was the worst illness i've ever had in my life without a doubt hit me like This deabiltated me, drank on the plane, drank when I got there, slept for a day, drank at the show. Jesus Christ. That's a guy with his own room right there.

No, Leanne slept with me. Threw up in the middle of the night, barely could breathe. I was like, I think I threw up like 11 times in the middle of the night. Like, out of how to get out of bed 11 times. Let me rephrase this. Throwing up is different for me if I'm throwing up. Like I'm not like a... You can't do it.

I can't do it. I'm not... I'm talking like colds. I never understood a cold. Is there anything special when you are in that zone that you'd like Leanne to make you? Like, is there any little special treat that you like? No, I'm looking to lose weight. Yeah, come back, snatched.

Leanne can't cook anything. He isn't, what? She can't cook any. She can make country fried steak, that's it. She's not like a cook. Yeah. She can't cook any, like, I took, this is what a good dad I am. I'm flying back.

I'm modest. This is what a good dad I am. Okay, you know, you know I like drinking home. planes. I'm flying back from Utah with my girls and Leanne and Georgia gets sick. She's like, I think I'm getting sick. And I was like, okay. She goes, I would love some chicken noodle soup tonight if you can make it. And I make a crazy, crazy great chicken noodle, especially matzabal chicken noodle soup. Ooh, very nice. And so I, and this is, I wish I could do this more in life. I didn't drink on the plane so that I was excited to land, get in my car, and

go to the store, get all the ingredients, and make her soup so she could watch TV and have soup. So I didn't drink on the plane. It was so crazy how my willpower for that flight was wild because I knew I had to be a dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only done that one other time I flew to Hawaii and my daughters were like, hey, can we take a car

to the top of the, what you might call it? And Leanne was like, I don't have my license. Monicaia? Yeah, I think so. And I went, okay, not a problem. In a weird way, I was like, I wanted to be the dad. But I think, you know, I think I've had so much leeway of, like, Leanne lifts up to so much heavy lifting that I didn't drink on the plane.

I remember it was raining a little bit in Hawaii when we got to get the rental car, and I felt so proud to be like, I'm driving my girls. Yeah. Like, it's really crazy. I have moments of that where I'm like, you know, I have to do this. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, uh, tooth fairy.

Like, I remember being the tooth fairy, like, that's what I did. Like, I was always the tooth fairy Christmas, teach him out a ride, a bike, teach him out of swim. I kind of landed on, like, the funner stuff. Georgia fell and broke her jaw and knocked out like six teeth and I had to be the tooth fairy that night and it happened in the morning. It happened on a Saturday.

I flew home on a Sunday and Sunday night I had to go get tooth fairy stuff for Sunday morning. And man, that's one of my, I know that's a sad, but like those moments as a dad, when you're sitting at a right aid or you're sitting out of Walgreens trying to get toys for your kid and you're like, and by the way, you're poor. I was not making money, but you're like,

I don't get a fight. man I'll break the bank for this kid I bought her a there's a video online you can find it I bought her a microphone where you could like sing karaoke and she could barely speak she had no teeth and she goes she was trying to sing Pete and Butch is a song for Mickey Mouse okay she was singing Pete and bitch because he said no teeth and we were laughing she goes what's so funny about daddy and I that like those are the memories like on my death pad I just want to remember all the times I want my kids that's it that's amazing Yeah.

What's a tooth? What do you throw, tooth fairy? 20? No, no, no, no, no. It was always a present. Really? So, Leanne, because I was on the road, after that first one, any dramatic tooth loss,

because we have teeth problems in our family, any dramatic tooth loss was a big present. But Leanne, because I was on the road and she can never really get to the tooth fairy on time, Leanne bought, like, and this is a good, and by the way, I'm going to give guys a great tip in a second. She bought, like, 20 things of teeth. tooth fairy gifts like toenail polish in the closet she had a tooth fairy box now you ready guys

i'm about to give you the best tip you've ever heard clip this out if you're married uh got right now fully paid then go find a a flower shop by your house introduce yourself to the owner and give them your credit card with a list of dates her birthday your anniversary valentine's day mother's day uh and then tell them surprise me three times a year. Tell them what flowers your wife likes and say this is and this is what we agree to. $124 for a bouquet for a vase of flowers and then you have my address you have my address you don't need to call. I want to make sure you stay in business just charge my card and send them to the house. Dude, Diane's flower, is it Diana's flowers? Diana's flowers on Laurel Canyon has been doing

to this for me for since 2008. Since 2008. And when I moved, she called me and she goes, hey, hey, did you move? And I said, yeah. She goes, I just sent flowers to your house. I'm sending them to the new house. What's the new address? I was like, nice. When I changed my number, she tracked my fucking new number down. Damn. She called my sister. She called my wife. She called my wife's birthday is next week. Are we on? And I was like, fuck yes. Damn. Dude, it is the quickest, easiest, no-brainer move. Give them a credit card and say I'm good for flower seven times a year. Now, I got a question. Does Leanne know that? that's the case or does she think you're picking up the phone every time no fucking clue she has no

clue and diana sends them and i told her uh i told her uh peach peach peaches white lilies that's it peach roses white lilies and i gave her my nickname for lian peach rose peach roses lian loves peach roses and i gave her my nickname for leanne so that it sounds like it's for me baby doll i love you i couldn't live a life without you and just diana's good yeah he's good i'm a cheat code motherfucker Do you know the term Bogo? Buy one, get one. Okay, very good. Isn't that what Australians call rednecks?

That's Bogan's. Bogan's. Yeah, it's like they're dirtbags. I got one and then I, you know, I got what's just happening? I would like to get your take on it. I was at a nice restaurant. I was in a T-shirt. Right?

Steak house. Very good way. Right? I like it. Dress just how you would, your dress right now, honestly. Like, well enough, you're put. together you know it's not like I'm not rolling in like a fucking bum sharp pair of pants shoes I get there uh and I sit down I have like a thin like one of those like puffers it's like a polo puffer jacket

on and I sit down there's no coat check I sit down I fucking take my jacket off I put it on the chair next to me and the hostess comes over and says sir all gentlemen are required to wear a collar I said well I don't have one she said you can put your jacket back on and eat dinner and my Like, I'm at a, like, I'm on a fucking ski lift. Or we can give you, we can provide you a jacket. She came over with the jacket. I said, I guess I'll do that. But I had to try it on.

One, I'm a bigger guy. You're a bigger guy. It's like, I don't know if this is going to fit. And I got to do it in the dining room at the table. I took the jacket and ended up fitting look pretty good. But what would you do there? Okay. This is, uh, this hits a lot of my buttons.

Mine as well. Uh, there you go. I go on Instagram live. The reason I don't, the reason I don't, one of the reasons I don't wear a shirt because I have anxiety about what shirt to wear on stage. I'm afraid the shirt will say too much about me when I don't want the shirt to speak for me.

It's the reason I don't wear shirts with logos on them because I don't want you to go, oh, so you're a fan of my morning jacket and then you're like, huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I am. I don't know, it's what I put on. I don't want to get into a conversation for people. It's why I wear hats that are teams

you don't recognize the team. So I don't want to get no conversation about the Red Sox. So I don't wear a Red Sox hat. I don't wear any team you've ever recognized because the conversation speaks about me. I don't want that head said. Now, one of my biggest anxieties since I was a child was being underdressed. It's one of my crazy anxieties. I'm afraid that I will go somewhere and they'll go, you're not allowed to wear that.

And it's based off one time we had end of the year ceremonies and all the coaches collected, the uniforms. And all I had on was a speedo. And so I had to wear a speedo, knee high socks, cleats, a hat, and nothing else. I mean, that's insane. And I was so embarrassed. underdressed it it fucked me up like I sat in a bathroom crying at age 10 for fucking ever going like I was so embarrassed and I was and by the way I was a wild speed aware until that day that day forward I started wearing sunbritches so I'm

weird about now we're gonna go to here so last night I went to a very nice steakhouse and I wore a sweatsuit track suit like Nike track suit double X L fucking pink like I did not look like I belonged there but I think you get to a certain place in life where you just go all right fuck you I'm out and you walk away and you go I'm good I'm good and you give I've done that a lot where I go in like there's a really great steakhouse near our house that I love and I go in there one time in a t-shirt and flip-flops and that's not what you're supposed to wear no it's not California casual and um And the woman said, I'm so sorry, we have a closed-toed shoe policy here, and you need a collared shirt.

And I went, cool, I'll just leave. And she went, what? I said, I'll just leave. I'm good. I'll find something else to eat. And she was like, well, hold on, because that's not the answer they're looking for. And then the manager came over and was like, hey, don't worry, don't worry, we can see past it. No, no, no, no, no, I'm leaving.

I don't want to be somewhere where I make everyone feel uncomfortable. Now, Dax Shepard has the best one. Dax Shepard, he told this to me, so I'm just regurg stating. He went to dinner with Kristen Bell, his wife. They were in Nashville. He was wearing a T-shirt that said, you know, like, fucking Earl Haggard or Merle Haggard or some shit. That's how he dresses.

He's a millionaire. He should be able to dress like that. And the guy at the table next to him complained about his shirt. What? Yeah. And he was going to go light him up. And Kristen Bell, the fucking gangster goes, no, no, no, no, no. Brings the waiter over and goes, we're going to pay for his meal.

Pay for their dinner. Yeah. I do want to say, at the restaurant, there was a bar. And we were in Baltimore, and there was a woman wearing a fucking Ray Lewis jersey. So it's not like we were in fucking, you know. So in Serbia, they would do that to us. They would do that to us all the time because we were American. They go, no jeans.

And I go, but I see jeans right there. No jeans. Those are blue jeans. These are fashion jeans. Yeah, they love their fancy pocket. And I had a wild burn on my leg. So I had to roll one leg up of my jeans. And he goes, no, roll up gene.

And I go, I have a burn on. I don't care. No, roll up gene. fucking but uh but yeah i i would argue that is the reason i buy nice watches is so i can wear a t-shirt into a restaurant sure and then they and then if they know they know they go oh he's fine bring him in did they let me in and the chef sent a million things to the table they walked in but new york doesn't there's no new york in l a york doesn't do that new york doesn't do like you need a collar we were in fucking baltimore and they were like i guess we're going to try to be fancy it's like

Get out of you. We went to, for my birthday, Leanne and I went to Naples, and there was a nice restaurant. And I went down in a pullover collared shirt. And everyone was in, like, suits. Sure. And I was so embarrassed. I didn't have a collar, a jacket or anything. I didn't have anything.

I just had a pullover collar shirt. And everyone was in suits. And I was, it was a really nice restaurant. And I was, I murdered my first two drinks. I was like, I feel so uncomfortable. Yeah. I over-ordered. They were like, the lagooned taste it.

I'm like, well, Take two. Give me the T-bone. Let me get a Manhattan. You have no idea how small my ego is, like, and how easy it is to hurt it. Oh, it's so fragile. But you're you. They know it's you. Sometimes they don't. Yeah. I remember when I used to do bar takeovers after my shows, I'd always do a show, and then I tell everyone what bar I'd go to. And we were in, where did Oasis grow up? Manchester. Hello. And we have to do it. It's contractually obligated. And we went to a bar. I was with Mark Norman. Comedy. Comedy. Chris Rock.

And he should be, they should have make a cuckoo clock, a Mark Norman clock. That'd be awesome. Comedy, quiff. And you're like, oh, it's 2 o'clock. Gum guzzler. I'm Guzzler. Dane Cook. What did he say?

Who does he say he is? Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Dave. He, and Mark and I showed up. And the guy was like, there's a line around the corner. It's all the people that went to my. show. I was like, how you doing, brother? And he goes, not let you in, bro. Not like that.

Not dressed like that. And I was like, what? And he goes, nope, take another bar. And I went, okay, cool. And I went down the line and I go, hey, guys, we're going somewhere else. And everyone got out of the line. And then I was like, hey, someone wants to tell the people inside we're going going somewhere else. And the guy, someone opens the door and goes, Bert's leaving. And he goes, hold on, hold on. They don't come with you. They don't come with you, bro. You stay here. They stay here. Where the fuck are you think you're going? And I'm like, no, no, no, no. You kicked me out. You told me I'm not allowed in. I'm taking my business. elsewhere. And I go, we're just going to fill the bar next door. And he goes, hold on. And people are

filing out, and he's losing his goddamn mind. And I was like, no, that's the punishment you get. You're going to be an asshole, an arrogant bouncer. And then he goes, what's happened? Someone goes, that's the guy. That's the reason we're here. And he goes, no, no, no, no. He's a fat guy. And I was like, I'm a fat guy. He said fat guy. And I was like, that's me. And he goes, let me see. He lifts up my shirt up. He goes, all right, all right, it is you. Okay. And then we went in. And I thank you for the compliment. We had that night in particular, everyone got shirtless, everyone got shirtless, and I have the funniest videos

of people manhandling Mark Norman. That's young Mark Norman who couldn't say no, and you could get him to do anything. Old young Mark Norman was the fun, remember we took him in this place called, it's like this outlaw city in Finland or in Switzerland, Sweden, where it's, there's no laws, there's no laws. And Mark does not smoke weed.

And we went in and I was like, like we're getting weed mark's like i don't smoke it i was like you are today and he's like not me and like oh yeah without a joint like mark hit it and he goes oh one take and then he goes i'm already having a band attack and he's like oh take it on the one turning green i go push through it push through it he's like okay it's getting worse he like one more and he goes okay i want to go to bed now oh it's the best i love it oh we got him addicted to ambian that trip we got him addicted to ambian and a halfway through he was like he was like he was like i think my liver's failing we're like no you're you're gonna be fine mark he came back a mess a mess a mess

He's like, he tried to kill me. Have her crazy. It's crazy. Gang, the series is Freebert on Netflix. Streaming now. Out now. Check it out. Are you going to, what are you going to see? Is garbage?

I mean, yeah, obviously. No? What the fuck are we doing here? In the series, I'm garbage, so I'll take garbage. In the series, that's the whole point. Listen, the series is great. It's funny. It's very you. It's great. It's a family. It's like, it hits on all levels. Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations, brother. We love you. I love you.

Thank you so much. Love you, We love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.