Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Best of 2022!

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

Are You Garbage is back with the Best of 2022! Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Buy the New Years Day Livestream w/ Are You Garbage and Special Guests https://www.moment.co/ayg NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Promo Code: AYG Manscaped: https://www.manscaped.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

gang let's talk about that live stream baby we're doing it live January 1st live from toady 7 o'clock eastern standard time it's going to be a good good time come hang out with us we're gonna have some friends over we're gonna have a little appearance from denise and patty a couple of pops come hang with the boys yeah it's gonna be a good time baby link is in the description moment.co slash a yg and that ain't it we got our third show on sale right now at the Gramercy Theater baby the army of garbage came correct in new york city sold out two shows we added our third links in the description let's party baby friday february third we'll see you there see you there welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your

favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley were you ever big into auto trader magazine nope ever ruined a family vacation or gathering yep i mean probably this week if i had to get a couple times a couple a cut of a fair amount of times like straight like everyone left too drunk or you said something uh a number of times yeah hey you showed us the toothbrush all right give the guys yeah what more do you want um do you cut your burger in half when you eat it a hundred percent channel really a hundred percent well you take the steak knife from a nice steakhouse no when was the last time you stole a pint glass from

a bar probably pretty recently yeah i could well yeah we just because i make irish exits irish goodbye so will you sneak the beer out so you can have it all i don't sneak and i just walk it yeah you kind of got that cachet now yeah yeah i'm the machine i got struck by lightning i don't know what's going on in the last 365 days have you shit in your pants oh god yeah are you fucking serious i can't put some private lounge over here hey boys i shouldn't give you all the pants you need um all right anyone in your family play semi-pro football no okay you ever wore pants that zip into shorts yeah that's a very Florida thing i gotta be ready to party but they only zip once and

then you never go back yeah you're like well loose i have shorts now i lost that leg yeah that's what nobody thinks about you gotta walk around with half a set of pants in your pockets where you're gonna put your toothbrush um magazines in the bathroom yes okay have you ever had a quail egg yes yes yes yes you like i love them i just had fucking what 15 the other day 15 yeah i had a full fucking jar it's a big omelet yeah i've had a large amount of quail eggs i love i actually love quail eggs a 15 quail i wasn't coming to jar we got a jar quail eggs i ate all of them i ate them in the fucking car right over i couldn't stop eating them i love quail eggs wait they were hard boiled yeah hard boiled i've had i've had i've had every type of quail egg you have now that you

say that i've really enjoyed i have said duck eggs i love eggs i love eggs big egg i like eggs too i like eggs what do you do if you crack an egg and there's like the double yolk oh i jack off yeah it's good right i jack off that's good i take time i take pictures of it i take pictures of it i post it on instagram i send it to rogan look at my fucking look at my chickens are doing yeah yeah it's a good time root beer birch beer root beer hmm you didn't you could have said anything after that i didn't have a specific brand that you like no i a n w barks a n w is my what we have on the boss i love a n w uh but i love going and finding small like of course any oh someone's if you're from for you got Philly roots check out hanks oh i've had i've had i've had i'll tell you right

now in a parallel universe i am brewing root beer in northern washington with a beautiful blonde swedish wife six kids and a shitload of quail eggs and fucking and a lot of saipanards well that's a good time you got the tour bus now is there is there an essential item for the tour bus that really ups the quality of life for you uh yeah a water pick i couldn't get into it i tried it i couldn't get into it i like it i water pick probably twice a day i love water tried i bought why everybody was raven i got one i just didn't stick floss every day i floss every day you do you do old school floss or the picks picks the great the glides i'll i'll you and let me tell you something they're fantastic if i find a pick i know it's mine i'll use it again wow do you smell them

always oh you gotta smell them fingers fingers on this on the floss run them down and then to the nose i told him that he was mine was blown you gotta stop doing it ever since it's some of the ripest shit you've ever had in your life dude i have a hole in one of my molars that's why i'm water picking so much lately and i in the morning i will i will water pick that hole and the smell that comes out is so aggressive yeah what's what's going on in there it's wild take bacteria i'll show to you take a look oh right there yeah and uh it's good looking tongue though thank you looks like he was chewing firecrackers oh i have oh i should tell you this i got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat when i was 11 and i lost 26 teeth so all the shark all the teeth you see who has that many teeth

at 11 you have 32 you have 32 well i'm an asshole that's like the 710 split piece is crazy but you never crowd on your teeth i've no i've never counted my teeth how many teeth do you mean that would have been a great question how many teeth do you think you think you have 100 115 i don't know 2220 whatever it takes you know what i mean what movie is that bro what 2220 mr mom mr mom michael keith what are you working on some electrical work yeah what are you doing 2220 whatever it takes yeah why don't you come out in here ron show you're doing a little my time off keep on can i grab one more i'll take one more too that's fucking great yeah yeah drinking beers with the machine during the day let's fucking go yeah this is it this is what we play for uh have you

ever had one of those magic wallets where you can go like yeah of course of course i've been saving that for a year i knew he was gonna say yes of course i did if you're getting a big potato what are the toppings that you prefer on it you're not gonna like that he's gonna paint his masterpiece just butter i'm all right with that classic right in the middle one full stick of butter on a baked potato i fucking love butter it's a big one from a steakhouse you're talking to a huge butter man i use it like icing i'm telling you i use it on it can i tell you i dated a chick who put him on a pop tart one time and a game changer so i'm just talking about that i'll give you something get a honey bun put it in the microwave with the butter on top for like look at him for like his eyes

just rolled back in his head hurt for like 12 seconds enter nirvana unbelievable my daughter puts them on orios butter on orios but she put man she has a butter problem i love dude i love it she just she just came up veganism so i love my youngest was like one day came out she i'm going vegan and we're like that's stupid it's like i'm going vegan i've had eggs i don't i think it'll get rid of him and so she was vegan for like six months seven months maybe as since april april right the other night she comes down she goes i'm done let's get a pizza i said what she goes pizza sausage and onion and we're like okay and then the next day she goes steak i need a steak back on the horse and then we went to in and out last night for dinner i mean she is fucking back and

she rolled down that burger yeah fucking punching cows when she walks by them i like you don't look at me uh pop tarts or toaster strudel pop tarts oh wait toast them strudels that's not what they're called i thought they were called toaster for the record for toaster strudels i thought it was toast them strudels just so everybody knows that toast them strudels no it's toaster strudels and by the way burt it is april okay just want to let you know that it's march oh oh so it was about a year ago wait is it toast them strudels no toast toaster you're taking a steak pills how do you feel about steak oh come on daddy a hundred percent good night it's toast them strudels no it's not toast toaster strudels strudels uh toast them strudels that's the mandalorian effect

you're talking about mandala effect mandala effect mandalorian effect i'm surrounded by bozos birds rub it off on me it's toast i got a bad case of the crisis it's called toaster strudels toaster strudels pills very toaster all this years i thought it was toast that's going viral toast them strudels which they were awesome when we were kids but i don't know about now now the pop tart has really really come into itself yeah they really know what they're doing i'll tell you what hot or cold i i'll tell you what when especially when someone takes something that's industrial corporate and then makes it thrown have you had homemade pop tarts no how do you do that i get them like a lot of people will bake stuff for our show like they'll bake us up we had a woman not trying to throw

anyone under the bus we had a woman one time because i like i like uncrustables yeah she made me an uncrustable donut her homemade uncrustable donut that was so good wow tim dillon woke up at six in the morning and got an uber to her place and bought some for himself before we left that morning they were that fucking shout out to timmy yeah timmy d knows what he's doing like that move but i've had homemade pop tarts and they are wow phenomenal i never thought of that if they was just a little more filling in them yeah they gotta be juiced up they gotta be like the double stuff so homemade pop tarts probably are probably like this big this this but they're this thing that's what i'm talking about and they fucking come in your mouth that's what i'm talking about

will you do a fig newton 100 a sleeve a fig yes you can't just i don't do one cookie i'm not a one cookie guy i'm a i'm a really want anything i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna suck down a regrettable amount of cookies favor cookie one cookie what is it orios i have a problem with orios standard straight up regular double stuff double stuff double stuff okay you ever put them in milk and crunch them up and eat them like cereal i'm sorry i apologize how do you mean to insult a gentleman you almost you must hate you dude i i'll take i'll take nutter butters and leave them on the counter for an evening so they get stale and they're soft and with when it comes orios i soak them i take the fork shove it in the icing and then i stick it in the fucking

thing until it's fucking good and then pulled out still attached to the fork and to the mouth god because the icing is hard and the cookie soft yeah i love orios yeah it's something else this is a big one okay this might determine a lot okay i'm gonna give you two choices helman's mayonnaise or miracle whip oh helman's without a fucking belt i almost had you scored it from the premises i i made the big mistake in college of getting miracle whip thinking it was mayonnaise it ain't it stinks and i because i i like mayonnaise sardines and saltine crackers whoa mayonnaise sardine sardines and saltine crackers how are things in the 20s jesus christ isn't that what they ate in the burbs in that movie the weird family

that civil war shit right there jesus right that's like findland's shit who does that i loved it especially they served on the titanic it's so fucking good this guy's old school saltine a dab of mayonnaise with the with the sardine and uh and i and i picked up uh miracle whip and i was trying to explain to a girl how good it was and i used miracle whip instead and all sudden i put it in my mouth i was like this isn't what i get it out i got the wrong thing in my mouth this is peanut butter yeah miracle whip stinks i have to ask just because it's standard operating procedure what's the credit score like um i mean probably fine like yeah a thousand there's no way you have blemishes at this point it's stellar i don't know what it is it's gotta be

exemplary yeah what kind of what kind of again no disrespect no i don't know i don't know the score but it's definitely admirable yeah you have yeah of course um what kind of steel you're walking around with amix uh yeah yeah yeah i have a couple that to go to i have one for touring one for one for business obviously yeah actually i have three because i have one for personal purchases one for related to podcast stuff of course is a touring yeah all right i got a debit card not i have millions of points yeah real millions millions you know we have i just looked this morning what 149 thousand holy shit it's about four dollars we get a race card maybe could we maybe could actually yeah that's jack shit when it comes to amix points i'm waiting for them to call me be like you have to use these

yeah oh really it's how trashy we are i look to see the equivalent i could get in american express gift cards christmas bonuses coming up hey everybody wins do you have a capital one card do you want one i get 500 bucks if i do i get five hundred if i sign up a friend come on we just we just started making money about this month ago it's fucking congratulating nothing else it's it's yeah it's fucking awesome nobody it's a put off the neck for sure it is and it should be celebrated i have a real problem with people that's what i've always respected about you you don't a lot of people hide that they fly private you're like i'm flying i'm doing it i'm doing it we're blowing it as we make it dude we just lost ten thousand dollars on a

that was on a bet that was one of the bets once we hit a certain number on patreon we'll just go down and blow it you make it tomorrow you'll make it tomorrow you're fine he just made it during this you're fine it should be celebrated you know you gotta be smart with it but you should have fun with it and um by the way i could not do this the tour that i'm on could not do it uh flying commercial oh no of course sure you had your tour is the stupidest of all time proper nuts it's proper insane i mean i'm at over 200 shows right now on the tour and there's one year left on the tour you can't do that waiting in the delta lounge yeah we would fucking i think the whole tour crew would be dead there's like fucking six of them they're all they're like that right now they go

like we're all wiped and i'm like yeah they go you really need to take a break i'm like yeah no i'm going to do press here you go we're a worker we're boys with pot we're good friends with potter and we were talking oh he's great i love yeah he's great um and we were talking to him one time he just got back opening up speaking to a classy gentleman oh my god the classiest he's the reason we asked the street name because he grew up on like you know root 87 below like a proper turn point he could see you could see a toll booth out front of his house he is one of my absolute favorites oh dude you're just with him we were unless we were asking him and he were like we're like oh he's the guy was out with tom he's like i'm just such an idiot he's like i don't understand

levels of success to the point where he was like oh what time's your flight you're like i'm leaving after the fucking show he's like it's an even comprehend he's like i thought he was just gonna go to the airport he's the best he's great did you collect anything growing up chinese stars num chucks any like that beanie babies commemorative plays sure he's your third there was anybody in the eighties if you were you had to i mean first of all i was taking taekwondo and i like a strip mall like a tiger shulmans yeah and here's the thing i was pretty highly ranked like we're like in the retrospect i'm like they were just like could you pay for another round and they're like here's another tiger shulman really cool your dad must have been looking at you like what the fuck i remember

walking out of a classroom gotta get him from his ballet and i was like eight or nine and like a 40 year old man was like jesus christ this kid could kill somebody he's gonna register his hands like and i was just like i mean i was a fucking sweet gentle kid you gotta slurpee in your head and then we started to get it because we're taking those classes yeah we're getting into like num chucks chinese stars pretending we're ninja oh yeah oh yeah i'm just talking about getting myself black eyes yeah yeah that's fucking beautiful when you when you first started making money was there any like silly purchase yeah you're a dirt bike girl i didn't need something stupid jet ski yeah well i have two uh you have two now yeah are they at the house yeah we're on the we live on the lake so yeah

oh really like all like you can walk out your backyard and go to a lake i have a boat and yeah on the backyard yeah cigarette boat no be cool you running blow what do you mean who the fuck has a cigarette boat in the lake yeah that's how little you know about boats damn dude really he's walked down the lake you gotta pull back there too hot tub yeah he said 200 cities idiot who's doing 200 cities of a goddamn hot dog what kind of lawnmower do you have now that's a john dear uh it's a push mower though i want to stay home yeah it's a plugin takes me about three days to know that's the trashiest of all the plug in your lawnmower oh the dumbest thing right away was a pen a pen like you know i was like in a store here's the thing you're a

feel guilty in store like i was i felt guilty to buy something yeah and i was like i need to use the bathroom you know and there was like a nice store and then i was like i'll buy something and i bought a pen it was like 100 it was like $500 what yeah and then i left and i'm sure naked lady on i do in it no it was like turn it upside down colors it was so stupid it was one of those real like a nice i was like this is i would definitely not be mentioning that i bought this that was one of those things you're like keep this to your fucking self that was so dumb hey we got an eight ball i got a new pen i got a pen mm-hmm yeah like was it a cross pen those were hot for a while those were hot yeah there was could never write with them

it slipped out of your hand Mont Blanc and then yeah then Cartier yeah those are nice ones can you double joint it uh no i used to be able to take my index fingers and touch my wrist here for a long time and then it finally like i could go at circus you know like an x-men like pretty far but like it used to be able to touch here and that stopped at some point can you glee no i wish i it happens only on my accent yeah i always tell you we knew a kid that could do it and a continuous stream that's amazing oh dude i don't understand how it happened now but it was wild yeah we still we we were in a car and we saw him on his on his school bus we stopped the school bus and made him get off and do it there's a glee for you dude it was fucking

let it stop the bus yeah we got a gleeker back there uh have you ever skied in jeans probably yeah yeah because in uh that's one of those things is like you know those um socio-economic bumps of course that we now you're skiing well we're in like Minneapolis so like you can go but we're not buying you all new gear yeah so yeah for sure it was pair of jeans everything windbreaker when you're a brick like you're a kid in that in a city like that you're just out in jeans every day in snow and like it's the worst right it's just there's so much snow it's cold as fuck and suck and you're just yeah you're in wet denim all the time fucking sucks yikes have you ever had one of those trick voicemails where you go hello what was that hello ha ha got you

no i believe it or not tom is in at home when you guys are going out to dinner as a family as a kid would would you ever order the same thing like everyone gets to lemon chicken or the chicken no it wasn't like that okay you know it was the fucking worst my dad used to go um like he had like this like anxiety of like let's get home like always so my dad had to get back to fucking base camp i mean always everybody get get the whole fucking so you're at a social anxiety they didn't understand that he didn't understand it so like we're all having dinner right and it's like it would be like if you guys was that guy wasn't looking at me you're still eating like you're eating and he would take his

bite and he would go ready to go and we're like we're all eating right now man and he was like oh okay and then he would just be like and you're like um and then you get a sank or something you finish your last bite like you're ready now and you're like can we just let me chill for a minute like relax go start the car now always gotta go yeah never will you take leftover leftovers home now like if you go out to a restaurant if you're not on tour it's you and your wife the family go out very rarely dude i don't really i don't like to i mean it's it's more like i don't know i just feel like whatever you ate is what you ate there that's what i'm saying yeah yeah it's like i'm gonna take in this these last four bites of lemon chicken home yeah

yeah right right yeah all right if we're doing the restaurant let's get into it let's get into it okay um i go i go large i know yeah well you order first of all when is the situation where you're not paying where it's not your show it's rare i would assume agents probably taking the out they'll pick it up rogan show in the city what if it's you and rogan out to dinner are you fighting over the check i try splitting it no okay no i try i kick you out of this room i've tried i've tried to and i've have um given the card if i know i'm having dinner with joe or ahead of time i'll ask you here put it on that that's a clan make sure make sure you put it on yes i did that this weekend down to short it's a nice move got the client yeah so you don't have to

get to that kind of go to my mom yeah i like i like you know if you can afford to do it it's nice to be able to treat people to yeah also so you don't have that weird let me get it like you just go it's taking care and he's always paid for a fucking everything for years of course of course yeah yeah he does okay yeah he does all right that's good um order appetizers for the table for everybody you like to do i do that i do that a lot nice i just i like to get to you know we're on the road nice when you and the crew goes out we sit down i'll be like hey can you bring out like three of them yeah do you do that like hey get these we're still we're still figuring it out let's start dropping the start yeah put some fucking food out here man have you ever ordered everything off

the menu yes really give me give me everything i went uh there was this uh this french guy um fuck what is his name he owns uh tre uh fuck he's uh i might follow him on instagram and he would do these pop-ups that were just fucking unbelievable okay in austin no in la um and i'm trying to remember his name trey griffith no no i was saying trey like french oh okay his name is uh ludo uh ludo i don't know that was pretty good i wasn't that bad so he owns uh petit trois and ludo a la maisson uh so i think that's not any his dual lingual that's pretty good too i think he has a he might have a mission to start anyway he would do these pop-ups in la for a while meaning like you know just take over a space for and so the first time i went i had a few things and i was like

holy shit this is so like so incredible like you know like yeah of course so the next time you had a pop-up and i got a table i looked at the menu i was like yes and they're like yes i go yes everything bring everything run me through the fucking make me sick yeah yeah i could talk yeah that was the shit we're just starting to eat a place is where we're like oh that's i we took well there's this place where we had there's like the best burger in the city we all took a bite and i was like i didn't know rich people have been eating different oh there's a difference they really it's there's really here's the i'm gonna tell you the best thing about money the best thing about money i'm listening it is not toys it is not stuff it is options options to do things yes that other

people cannot do this yeah and to make life easier easier it is the best like in other words a simple version of it would be like hey bacon on your burger bacon on your burger or like to park here's 20 bucks when you're struggling you're like i'm not gonna waste 20 dollars i'll drive over there yeah 20 bucks apart the the more and more things come like that that have an option for you yeah right if you remove any anxiety i use it to like remove anxiety remove thought remove like yeah i can just put the car here not have to worry about i'm gonna get it we're kind of doing that now but we really can't afford it well we're real look this patreon is fucking blowing up you heard it here w-w-w billion hours of content i heard but food it's like the one of the greatest

luxurious it's being able to eat at a great place what would be the most if it sticks out that you ever spent on a meal uh i don't know if you want me to tell you oh yeah we do i want you want to write it down like a rich guy right yes i'm gonna read it all out it wasn't long ago well yeah there you go it's this was uh this is a first finally i got some pretty elaborate okay dinner i had okay don't have a credit card number down here too just uh maybe a finski if you got it on you also how much cash do you have on you right now i don't know okay let me count what the fuck let me see it yeah give me how many people were there just you it was uh ladies and gentlemen it was a group it was a group of us but i mean

what city chicago can i say what the number is i mean do you think we should we talk about honestly this is what people tune in for all right sure 52 thousand it was my birthday that's more than i made last year on the books no yeah that's your birthday of course blow it the fuck out yeah is that with tip that was with tip all right with tip yeah yeah hey what's five percent of 52 thousand i figured with wine and tax it's really only 38 grand holy shit kip how about that butcher box maybe i mean come on it's cold outside you know i love that butcher box he what are we doing here gang maybe you're a grill master maybe you fancy yourself as a good guy on the grill but where you getting

your meat from that's the big question that's what matters you know it makes a good steak who that a good steak you know has good steak who that butcher box uh-huh free range grass fed grass finished sure uh wild caught wild caught the whole nine yards man if you're looking for good meat you want to get yourself butcher box get that on the grill yeah butcher box has a special offer for our listeners butcher boxes offering new members to free new york strips plus eight ounces of gold crack lobster in your first box plus ten dollars off butcher box what are you doing you're gonna go out of business surfing turf right there first night butcher boxes lobster is wild caught by independent harvesters course in the north atlantic and then pressure extracted from the

claws and knuckles so you get the most delicious sucking lobster you ever done that i'm talking about uh i'm as we've said it time and time again we're big fans in a butcher box over there at the ryan household i guys still got a whole freezer of it i had some ground beef the other day mix it up a couple of sweet potatoes some of the spices the bird does it i'll take some of them strips put your boxes offering our listeners free new york strip and lobster plus ten dollars off in your first box sign up today at butcherbox.com slash a yg to get two ten ounce new york strip sticks eight ounces of lobster claw and knuckle meat knuckle meat baby let's go free in your first free knuckle meat what are we doing plus ten dollars off your first box that butcher box

that comes as a yg for the knuckle meat go yeah gang got a little reminder from our good friends at manscaped uh-huh keep those balls clean and tight yeah we're on a tight ship down there new year's eve's coming up you don't want to get fucking caught in the bushes if you know what i mean catch catch your zipper yikes tell yourself a favorite gang get over to the manscape grab one of them lawn mower 4.0s one of their premium packages everything that they got is absolutely fantastic i clean you up smell good smell great feel good fuck like a champ give your lady something to kiss at midnight what the hey manscape clean it up as a family program i think it'd be some business right here guys you got 20% off plus free shipping with the

code garbage at manscape.com that's 20% off plus free shipping with code garbage at manscape.com i've been telling you for years now they were one of the first sponsors of the pod yes they were from from forever ago i got about two treaties at the house i use it on my ball sack my butt hole my face i just used it a couple days ago cleaned up trimmed up went to the car wash as they say do it in the shower that's all it's the only place i do it one more time baby that's 20% off plus free shipping with the code garbage at manscape.com do it yeah now back to that show and we would love uh the original grilled stuffed burrito at Taco Bell the original which had the creamy pepper jacks remember the original i've tweeted at the my the original menu at Taco Bell

was a fucking top shelf bring back the grilled stuffed burrito and then the original Monterey ranch chicken sandwich at Wendy's he's lighting up when he's talking about the bacon in the ranch chopped up bacon in the ranch it was in a gold wrapper fuck you you know exactly what i'm talking about it was a actually they tried to class chicken patty Monterey whatever thing cheese Monterey jack Monterey jack if it wasn't um and Monterey jack cheese lettuce tomato bacon and then ranch with bacon in it it was yeah it was something else those were the things i remember growing up obviously i love mcdonald's filet fishes i love the roi rogers fixin bar i love the pizza get enough love a pizza hut lunch buffet school going to one of them a hot lunch buffet and all

the right things they were like 395 or so it was so cheap four dollars and you could eat for the week and then they had a dessert pizza a little caramel apple dessert pizza i mean christ what was the going out to dinner situation for the dillens as a kid what would be a well so my uncle was a big restaurant guy so every now and then we'd get to go to one of these restaurants in the city yeah that's what's so interesting about you you're from that but you have i have some very refined i have some high in taste because my uncle's a big restaurant guy so we used to get to go we used to get to go to restaurants and eat really nice food every now and then would it be known that it's we're going at what uncle so yeah and would the parents go or he would take you parents

would go you ever parents would we'd all go the family sure but everybody knew he was paying oh yeah everyone knew that they didn't have to pass i never go everybody but then so big night out for us would be like you know maybe my parents hated each other so it was rare that they both go out but when they both go out it would be to some local diner or a place called itkins and valley stream which was like an old you know like an old like malt shop and old ice cream part of great ice cream socket to me sunday 15 scoops with a lot of people yeah oh you're sharing everything but but the kitchen sink sunday yeah 15 scoops um little bacon ranch on there yeah it was wild they would go to usually would be a diner or maybe a little greek place

or a diner or a place called McQuade's like a birthday dinner graduation dinner what are we thinking maybe an italian spot okay any chains applebees all of it friday's so we grew up with friday's and out back a little towards the outback came in later fridays was a go to the tostado nachos where you split a taco shell down the middle hit it with refried the cheese um fridays when they brought out to jack daniel's pulled pork sandwich it changed my life I'm yeah I get it the jack daniel's man that was your 9 11 yeah you're not kidding every week the jack daniel's menu at fridays made me know what was possible in a way there's life outside a long island yeah in a way that I couldn't understand I was like why yeah is this so

fucking good I don't know what they put that you want to hear an order this is my order of fridays you want to get right go in there I said an adult or as a kid as a child this is what I used to do listen honey get your patent paper I'm not gonna remember all the tostado nachos salad with because I love the friday salad because they loaded it with cheese croutons bacon that shredded cheddar cheese and then you would get the breadsticks salad with ranch tostado nachos salad with ranch pulled pork sandwich that comes with french fries add on to that the loaded baked potato now the loaded baked potatoes what little kids get the loaded baked potato has a divorce going

buddy smart holy shit a smart one because here's what I would do I would get the extra jack daniel sauce and it would go right into the potato and then like you have this loaded baked potato with jack daniel sauce it's still every now and then if I'm on the road I'll go into friday's get a loaded mash throw some jack daniel sauce on there and eat it what are your parents saying when you're when you're making this order they're kind of just fine with it they're just like impressed that I can order I'm like you know a lot of kids are like yeah yeah yeah tell them what you want that's anything you're speaking a lot of a lot of kids are like you know so at least you're like you can talk uh huh yeah you know I'm like oh the tostado nachos are they good today um who's cooking but

you know that the answer to that is they were horrible parents yeah well I feel like the 90s like that was wide open no the 90s listen nobody cared the boomer and I'm working on a book right now about boomers and the way they parented and it's really like amazing to watch the difference between the way we were parented it's crazy it's apparent it's nuts my parents might have said a few times hey you should go to college but they took no interest like the idea of like them like going around the schools with you for like the weekend oh won't you have fun here you'll like it here like they were such deeply selfish people that had no designs on me becoming a productive human being at all they were incredibly selfish you know um you know morally questionable demons from hell

we basically were just sharing sounds like a nice little Saturday I like I mean you know guys were like roommates we were rude we were just kind of like hanging out yeah we're just hanging out I get it no yeah for sure I remember even like thank you I don't even think I went on I went to I visited one college I think by myself yeah I used to smoke cigarettes in my grandmother's house when I was like 13 14 just in the house did she know they knew she knew yeah I would smoke cigarettes in the house they didn't care yeah that's fucking my friend's mother used to let us do coke we eat everything everybody's parents didn't do that they hated drugs everybody's got that one friend's house yeah I was I remember sitting in some being like I shouldn't fucking be here

this is bad right this is not great you're always thinking like when are your parents coming home yeah they're just never be around and then they're home and they're like drugs with us and we're like oh my friend's mother was a prostitute really she made a lot of money in the 70s in the city high-end call girl and bought a house and everything great looking like yeah she was then she knew how to she knew how to package as she said clean the pipes her words not mine over a white pie yeah all right let's get into some cues here because we want to find out where you stand on a lot of stuff yeah we yeah you're gonna set you you know we claim to be experts at it but you you can really set the tone or set those I can lay the wall yeah with certain things

before that though what was your first stupid purchase when you got when you when you got money what was the first a Range Rover and I sold it months later really because with the supply chain you can sell it pretty easily I just realized I'm like it was way too much money for a car um and how long ago is this just somewhat oh a year ago really yeah and I just realized I'm like I don't care that much immediately you go I don't care like I drive it for a while it's nice great fucking car but then I go eh I don't need it I'd rather have the money for other shit what is it now what are you whipping around in right now I just have rentals but I think I'm gonna get an electric okay I don't want to lick an electric or revision one of those new ones I got on a list for

that list yeah damn the list and he's in a different he's in a different category no more Jack Daniel sauce for this game I'll pay it out right now in the Rivian yeah just cause quietly but it's it's not that expensive though it'll be a lease that that you know you you you uh you'll pay the lease through your business of course smoking the car well I mean when you lease you can't I like how that's what you're worried about like that's going to come back somebody at the Ford dealership coming after you well I don't know I mean we're trying to stop I stop for months and then I go back and I start eating the car you have to I mean you you you those big potatoes don't hold all right that's the best answer ever I mean you have to I did it it's my favorite thing

is going to the drive-thru with the radio's on listening to something and I'm just fucking drive-thru food if you eat it in your home you feel insane that's I never got that I pull up in park right away and eat absolutely right away yeah you bring it to your house and like put it on plate kitchen table you're psychotic have you ever seen McDonald's on a plate that means people are way too comfortable I'm like oh you've settled in for this life of hell yeah that's not real weird I've seen it I've seen McDonald's on a plate the only one you could get away with a little bit is KFC sure that's it yeah they sold that hard yeah that's bring it home to the thing because it's in bigger portions too it's not in self-serve portions I mean I man KFC honey barbecue wings which

if this continued uh I mean KFC was a beautiful part of when they started fucking with dessert when they were giving out whole cakes well they used to have something called a little bucket parfait that unbelievable there was strawberry and there was chocolate and they were unbelievable and the truck went had unbelievable it was unbelievable it was unbelievable it had a layer of um uh like a graham cracker on the bottom pudding and then a whipped cream and then a foil on top how the foil I've never come on the chocolate sprinkle had just kind of like the dye of the sprinkle it kind of bled out a little bit bled out a little bit and it bled out onto the whipped cream that's the flavor I have offered thousands of dollars to get one of them and I cannot like I would buy

them like I've offered thousands of dollars for it so if you ever leave I'm sitting somewhere and I hope something what do you stand on split the check where you at I hate it hate it hate it okay hate so what do you do what's the move you get them the next time okay you get them the next time now for many years I was the guy that got you the next time there was no next there was not it gonna be until about three weeks ago I was that guy my dad tells a great story about a guy used to always get everyone at the office to go out for lunch let's go here for lunch you want to go here for lunch and then you get you know everybody would eat and then the guy go like this guy's got a little light and then everyone would pay for the guy and the guy just kept getting away with

it I'm a little light in such a dirtbag line oh man I'm a little light trying to save a little bit of I'm a little bit like I'm a little I got about eight bucks a little what a great line a little fantastic that's the yikes do you think appetizers should be ordered individually or should they be ordered for the table for the table and shared they should never be ordered individually do you think it's trashy if multiple people at the same table order the same dish I would go this far okay I almost think at a steakhouse there should be a little meeting up front and then one person should order for the whole table we just did that yeah just have a meeting just have a meeting have a little meeting what do you like you're medium rare you're this you're

that you're rare you're medium we'll compromise it medium rare what do we do it's just a family stuff thing let's one guy come here here are the apps we want here are the entries we want it is not an individual thing I think you order steak for the table sides for the table yes that to me is the steakhouse anything that's what I believe kids all right that's what I believe it's all right yeah you know and that's what I was taught if you go out to dinner if you if you're bringing your friends out to dinner it's Tim's dinner yeah are you are you you're leading that charge you're handling I'm usually leading the charge because my friend get letting my friends order would be like giving them eight the constitution and telling them the fashion of

effective government like my friends are idiots and they'll mispronounce words and they don't know anything and yeah I like it when you do when you do a steakhouse you got to start with a shellfish tower if you can if cold seafood tower cold seafood tower gentlemen first thing to hit the table is a cold seafood tower first thing boom boom oyster shrimp lobster crab little clams whatever that's out cold appetizers are done then you bring in the hot appetizers if you're going to do any of them maybe it's a warm goat cheese salad maybe it's a lobster bisque it's not my business what you do maybe it's a baked clams maybe it's a shrimp scampi whatever it is maybe it's a gorgonzola bread a garlic bread with gorgonzola cheese sauce yeah a little bit but there's

got to be a little hot appetizer yes actually just a little a little nibble then there's a salad for the table then you hit the porterhouse for two three four whatever you'll grotten the line eight whatever you want to do cream spinach cream spinach broccoli garlic and oil asparagus whatever how's that steak cooked I like rare but on certain cuts I'll go medium rare wow you're a rare I'm a rare guy yeah sometimes I'll do a medium it's that nope sometimes I'll do a medium rare if it's a rib eye the fattier steak the longer it should be cooked so if you do a rib eye steak really should be medium rare a filet or anything like that is rare to black and blue sushi grade um damn but a bone in new york strip usually rare plus that's the term you go rare plus meaning rare but a little

more than rare if you're doing a bone in strip anything with a bone you're going to do rare rib eyes medium rare anything strip steaks filets rare to black and blue Pittsburgh style which is sushi fucking laying it down but everyone's fucking taking no take notes Jesus I was just in the Philippines three weeks ago nice right you can't drink that water yeah you get diarrhea but um how was the food good well I had belute you did you know what it is no you know what belute is look it up I don't even know how to spell it BALUT I don't think it's pizza it's not street food believe uh fertilized developing egg embryo look at the photos look at the images good images I can see them Bobby those other photos picture Bobby with two thumbs up look at that

that's a bird all right so what they do is they'll boil a duck egg right maybe two days before it hatches it hatches that's a hatchable egg right and so it's it's you eat that so I had one how was that well when you when you when you so when you crunch down on the skull the brain squirts in your mouth and then you get the feathers stuck between your teeth but other than that it's delicious little soy sauce you're all right it literally is I can't believe it so like yeah that's what you were your first time having it yeah I yeah because I known about you know so it wasn't good well honestly if I close to my eyes and I just ate it I'd just be like oh is this egg but like you know what I mean with more brainness you know what I mean to it you know but when you when you

have eyeball right like this thing did yeah and you look at it it's just like it's weird because the eyes are there and it looks that you're like two days buddy what about like two days like main was looking at you yeah all right what about loopier tarot I had that too okay yeah I had that too but are you an adventurous eater like will you do the wacky kind of what are you talking about maybe that was just maybe you lost a bet I don't see this over here have you ever been in a focus group no no no but I've been like but I've been like the subject of focus groups sure why on the shows and oh yeah of course yeah you have to do um you have to test like they test of course right and they do focus groups and you know what I love about being like like with the way I look

and I have a round flat face you know what I mean and I kind of look like if you don't know my history like you know I like you know like you know like oh my god you know he's adorable he's adorable he looks like an emoji right yeah and so I love getting on a sitcom because I know I'm going to test high right so it's like I always get like I did this one show where they were like yeah you tested higher than babies and monkeys are you a baby monkey and I'm like I'm like that's good right like like it's unbelievable like they don't have like a meter to even like go there right it's awesome right so it's like and then they're always like you know um they pick it up because like we got like you know a baby monkey on yeah I know yeah we have the cutest man alive

yeah yeah and that's why I like Ken Jung probably does baby monkey numbers yeah yeah baby baby monkey numbers yeah so you go out to a restaurant with friends right say you and Santino or so going out to a nice dinden I have a thing who's picking up that check well Santino I'm gonna say that I don't want to start a war and he's gonna be so mad but he I'm beginning to think let's say he disappeared I want to say that the last meals he disappears really so right before the check appears he goes I got a golf thing or you know I mean oh shit I got to go to Dave was like you didn't see you were gonna shoot today right there's something and then he leaves and then the check comes and it's happened for the last eight times and I and I I've never said it out loud

before I don't know if that's gonna start something with him he's paid before I remember a call I'm sure I'm sure yeah but the last guy he's a nice guy really like I love a very talented guy but the last couple has been a little suspect but you know I'm gonna wait for the next meal see what happens you know and they and let me say the last one was Maestro's you've ever heard of Maestro's it's a very expensive restaurant chain I think I spent I'll just tell you what I spent because it was with the producer Andrew and a girl named Jetski who's like a sidekick on bad friends very talented girl she had never been to a fancy restaurant so we took to Maestro's and I think I dropped $750 and he left really right and it kind of you know it kind of irked me

a bit you know man I'm now expressing that and don't edit that out I want to see what that happens for a relationship edit that out it's a clip what are you talking about yeah yeah I want to see what that happens okay I gotta say he's not cheap he's been he's saved my life a bunch of times and I love him keep this in the clip too keep this in the clip too he's a great guy right but I'm just saying last couple times that's all I mean I I gotta say this I gotta call boy I love you I gotta call brawls and strikes yeah 750 bucks we dropped that yeah you gotta be dropping are you kidding me an expensive meal I know a nice restaurant you think I should be paying for it that's a haircut to you guys who gives a shit that's getting coffee you come in here all that

that's what you hit me with 750 I got Tom Segura back here with a $52,000 check not including wait wait wait that's his check that's what he spent on his uh his birthday dinner 750 I got that on here bro bro I'll pay it for Santino no no no no Andy I got you can't so here's the deal about Tom Segura right can I say something about Tom Segura have you had him out here we had that was that's him he wrote that greatest guy right love him love the greatest guy in the world but you know it's like I've never seen him do stand up ever I've never seen him at the club or nothing right and I don't watch anybody you know what I mean I don't know what anyone's doing he murders he's one of the best I've ever seen yeah he's one of the best and that's what I'm saying yeah let me

follow this logic follow this logic right so he's just like he's like yeah you want to do shows with me in Canada this is last week I saw you were yeah yeah this right so I'm like oh shit that's and I show up and it's like stadiums yeah he ain't he ain't doing the fucking yuck yuck I was like you did this yeah he's huge he's great like I still play like fucking you know I mean lies guys and you're got out we were just great club right yeah I'll do the you know uh the Denver comedy works great clubs great clubs but it's like a steal like he's you too yeah boss or cool play it's crazy you're right principally 750 I should just eat that 750 right I fucked up right but here's a little thing you're talking about flying first class you're stealing pillows and complaining

about 750 at a dinner for a team but here's the deal trash he spends out of mcdonnell and I will again yeah yeah why is leg of the smell of gas garbage it is I don't think the Kennedys are doing it you know gas my favorite is asphalt fresh asphalt in the summer no way asphalt's better than gas that takes me back yeah no way add in the tall no you're all right cars all right cars okay maybe but gas is primo I just think about that scene in shawl shank when they're up there and that that hot tar and the beer it's like very I can the smell in that cold beer fucking hits me that beer looks like it fucking hit the spot yeah do you drink if you have a drink what's your drink you're like winding down red wine red wine yeah and whiskey I like

scotch good scotch okay and I like beer but I don't drink much but those are three things I like very cold beer I assume you've had a couple nice french wine yeah I've had I've had very good french wine like I go crazy for like a very good french how expensive we talk yeah what's the most expensive bottle of wine you ever bought oh a lot two thousand three thousand something like that yeah wow yeah wow has been a long time since I've done that okay I live very differently than I used to I used to have gold watches that's a sweet shark watch yeah that's a yeah that's pleasure no I don't do stuff like that no more but I used to go like let's get to bed you know crazy wine of course once in a while I buy you know heavy bottle of scotch like a really good a good watch

and I keep that for a long I don't I don't keep it for months just sip on it yeah nice bottle of yellowtail these days I think you're fine as box you have back there please um what if you're going to a dinner you know at a friend's house and you're bringing a bottle of wine do you have like a go-to what's what are you what are you spending around there anything it depends on the friend right this is what we get into yeah there's you got the the wine that was brought to you last just but you're just re-gift just re-gift the last one that brought to you that's a power show with the toaster yeah I mean if anyone brings me wine I ain't drinking it let's say I'm not that's not gonna be what I like so I just hold on to that until next time I that's real I

no one's ever had that answer that's really smart yeah you got to do that let's say Martin Scorsese Martin Scorsese watches the movie he sees fourth of your lie he says it's fantastic wanna discuss how you guys came up with it how how you worked with someone like Joe List how good are you guys I'm over my house I want to discuss how you got this performance out of this guy what are you bringing there that's a different I mean I bring him or somebody I just really like and feel or feel grateful to somebody you know anything like that like somebody who I'm like really want to get a linch bag 2005 if you can find it 2006 if you couldn't only find in 2006 Lynch Lynch it's French it's um ly nch and then BA GGES I don't have linch barge I don't

know how to say it linch bag yeah that's the fucking Boston coming out yeah linch bag I mean get a 2022 linch bag but that's about two to four hundred dollars that's okay that's a flex yeah or any kind of like Margot's or good okay San Julian kind of things sure any of those in the range of two to four hundred dollars Margot's are nice Rudy Julian yeah what do you like red wise you a Cabernet guy you a Mel Beck guy what do you like only those Bordeaux I just really into French Bordeaux I can get it I was just in Copenhagen on tour and our our promoter he's obsessed with restaurants he's been to all the best restaurants in the world he's one of these guys he'll wait months to go somewhere or whatever so he told me Copenhagen is his favorite

city for restaurants and that he was sending me to the best of this so it's his favorite place and I did a pairing you know you get a tasting menu with wine pairings and they introduced me to natural wine this is a new thing yes very new yeah so they start you with the white want with a for they start you with a champagne and then white and then it gets like literally there's orange wines and then you get deeper red as you the meal goes on and they're cloudy and they're not there's no filtering they're not like refined or anything nothing it's just the great the earth in it it's just yes you can really and I that's what I like about wine is being able to taste like I feel like I could taste the weather when it was and the the soil so these things holy shit and there's a game

he's like almost rotten smell to them like pussy yes but the wines get and at one point I was like I'm getting like I trusted them and I'm like the people what do people do to not get drunk and they go no you get drunk yeah that's the point like we're fucked up and I had to I had to walk along the buildings of the I barely made it back to the hotel really you were that fucking I was blind ways I almost I've never blacked out drunk yeah never served me a fucking Copenhagen fucking moonshine like Sharon stoning casino post the rising suns play that's how I felt and it was a bad day the next day you do ice in the wine no how many suits do you own a lot but I don't wear them anymore I had one tour where I wear right right right yeah and I got the because I can't I

wear a suit and in 10 minutes I look like a bad accountant yeah like a guy who's had a nervous I'm the same way I put on a suit fit me the second I get into a car sit down it's fucking over the shirt comes up and out it's hard to answer down to my kid at his communion it's hard like a fat kid at the end of a wedding that's right fucking cake on your face that's it but when I was I was in San Francisco with my daughter and we went to a thrift store and she found a suit that it was like really cool almost fit so I found a tailor in San Francisco I'd never even been to one and I said can you do this yeah and he said yeah by the way I can make you suits you know you can get one just get whatever you want and he wasn't expensive but he was

Peter Panos is his name and I picked just that day I picked a bunch cool I decided it that day I'm gonna wear suits you can be a suit guy I'm gonna wear suits I always want one as a kid I wanted to be a comedian in suits sure and so I had a bunch of shirts and suits made by that guy like eight of them and he sent them I wore them a whole for a whole tour of wore suits but I'm done with them I'm not gonna do it again any Armani or anything like that you got at the house like from a couple of movies I was in that they let me keep the suits nice you wanna tux I do own a tux because I used to go to the ward shows every all the time yeah nice yes you know a tie a bow tie uh yeah I could I used I did it a few times I'd need a refresher yeah I don't

tie a regular tie really is that garbage I don't think you have a tux mr list I don't I got two suits nice suits right Ted Baker right Ted Baker baby important I just got a Ted Baker bag I love hey he's all right that's stuff Ted Baker yeah but I remember hearing you talk about I thought it was somebody you knew I thought he was like a fan or something that's a tragedy I was no Ted Baker you know Ted Baker kid I remember when Ted Baker was I don't know how long he's been around but I think he was a new thing uh-huh and I was with Chris Rock uh and Aspen Colorado at a festival and there was like a lot of people there's a lot of um uh activity people were excited a lot of famous people there and Chris was huge and I was nothing at the time and uh somebody came

up to us with a headset and just said get in this van we're taking everybody to and we're just talking so we just let ourselves be put in anyway next thing we know we're in a Ted Baker store they had closed the store for Chris and they said pick whatever you want and it's yours and Chris is a high class classy guy and he said just he said to the girl you pick me one shirt you pick it for me like that's the kind of guy he is lose goes I was like I was like no I went to his leather jackets I said I want one of these yeah and they're like um are you Chris Rock sir they had to unlock it it had a lock on it I was like I want one of these because I was like I'm never gonna be here Chris is trying to maintain this lifestyle I was like this is my last time

this is happening here I still have it it's a really good leather jacket that's fucking wild did you do hands across America no no no was you cooked eggs in the microwave you actively cook eggs in the microwave not only that you bought a poaching device apparatus that's oh that's a double that's a triple that's a triple stamp a double stamp the device the target toge and the action and the action of microwaving eggs in an apparatus your poaching eggs which should be the classiest version a poach deck is the classiest deck it's the hardest to do you did it right but you didn't and you laughed at me when I told you the procedure to cook the poach deck what is it you pulled out with one of those like one of those nets at the end but you heat up but you heat up about three

inches of boiling water you let it boil you turn it off you drop the egg in there from a separate cylinder you spin the water before you put it in there so it collects together and you put a dash of vinegar in there that's class yeah but you don't do that you microwave plastic yeah it's been a you bought the billy you bought the billy maze egg microwave safe from target it's been a long time this is something I did in my poor days although I there was no I was a target it's an impulse buy god damn it you guys got me fucking this is the question you know who wasn't at target making impulse buys the fucking Kennedys okay yeah I hate him I hate him it is a brown egg though it's an organic it's organic range there isn't a more fun guy he's disgusting all right breaking

the fourth wall he walked in a suit and I fucking chubbed up I like this guy fucking came to play Jesus well I can cross you're eating a hardball they can pump it off the list on camera we should have good god oh you stink I have no finger eggs in a long long time okay in fact my mom recently said my sister she said corn in the microwave is actually as good as on the grill and I said I said no it's not and I won't eat it corn on the grill or nothing corn on the microwave was okay I'm gonna throw up Jesus Christy ate that like a fucking Komodo dragon ate it like a snake dude like a bald Jewish snake oh god it smells like a fucking 1992 Honda Civic brutal what's worse than a smell you don't stuff oh god that stinks man

oh come on dude come on oh you just spit it all over my computer dude we gotta move man oh I'm throwing that computer away god oh it stinks so bad I'm gonna start doing that when I fart we're gonna whip out a hardball egg shit your pants no no nuts the eggs oh disgusting oh my god mr. Shafir Ari also likes the chili cheese machine at 711 big fan of it if I were oh yeah I did like it it's been a while it's been a while damn that chili cheese was good I haven't had so long now I'm starting to think maybe I am

you are trash dude I don't you're for sure John's all over my screens it looks like someone egged me it was a hard boiled egg take that you fucker that's great sorry no it's good you're good oh my god