Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Big Jay Oakerson!

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

Kippy and Foley are with the hilarious Big Jay Oakerson! It's a fun one. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Manscaped: https://www.manscaped.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hold the pickles gang, little tour update, Vermont and Connecticut, we added second shows in both of those cities, come out and see the boys! Yeah, get the tickets before they're sold out, we got Connecticut, Vermont, and then we're going down to Florida baby, Tampa, second show added, limited tickets left on that, then we're in Dania Beach, Florida, we're going to Raleigh, North Carolina, Louisville, Kentucky, Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, more cities coming soon, get those tickets gang, let's party! Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast, this is Are You Garbage. Oh yeah, it's that little show, we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find out that they're good to be classy, they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day, we're out back here at Tooties in a new edition baby, living high on the hog, if you're stopping by use the side door, she don't want you trapping mud to the front. I'll pay you that right now, she's not there spending that cut. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, he is the CEO of Are You Garbage, he is an international businessman and my best pal in a whole wide world and I love him, give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey what's up gang, thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are.

And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage, check it the fuck out gang, it's a party over there. Yes it is, and how about a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinary and the Magic Man, makes us all look good, works to ones, works to twos, crosses the T's and dots the I's. Now you can get a little peek at him ladies, give it up for T-Bone McScruffins, Toby McMullen everybody. What up dudes, what's up bro, cut the fingers off your gloves, get the chain wallets out. We got one of the gnarliest dudes in comedy. I fucking love this guy. You got a fucking real one in here ladies and gentlemen. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time.

You've all wanted him and he's finally here. He is a legendary stand-up comedian, actor and podcaster. You may have seen him in but not limited to check this out. We got Ugly Americans, we have an unbelievable episode of Louie. We have Inside Amy Schumer, we have Billions, we have the Jim Gaffigan show. We have Crashing, Isn't It Romantic, Hustlers, The Cabin, Comic View, Bad Boys of Comedy, White Boys in the Hood, Comedy Central Presents, The Green Room, Jimmy Fallon, Kill Tony, WTF, Comedy Underground, This Is Not Happening, At Midnight, Comedy Knockout. We got the Comedy Jam, we got Conan, we got What's Your F in Deal, 14 episodes of that, no big deal.

We got Joe Rogan, The Degenerates, This Week at the Comedy Cellar, Something's Burning. He has an amazing special live at Webster Hall. You can hear him every week on The Bomb Fire on Sirius XM and he is the host of Legion of Skanks. And he has a brand new special out right now that you got to check out on his YouTube page called Dog Belly. Ladies and gentlemen, he needs no introduction but we gave him on anyway because we love him. Give it up for Big J Elkison. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Big J baby. I'm so excited this is finally working out.

I really feel like and I'm in the new studio which is beautiful. Thank you buddy. That's awesome. And who wants a piece of this block? I don't know if it's organic. I know it's not. I don't know if it's organic. We're cut from the same cloth.

Oh yeah. The same way. My first thought when I sat down on the table, I would say oh nice, they put the leafs in. Exactly. And the Danish cookies, all the same cookies, all the shapes you still have a favorite. Everybody wanted a pretzel one. I love the pretzel. I love it.

The pretzel. It tastes just like the other one. It's got the sugar on it. Shout out to them. I remember when I finally started to appreciate them. It was sometime in high school when I was stoned and just knocked through a tin of those things. Oh you're like, it is sugar. While boring, you don't get milk, it'll hit that same spot.

It ain't bad, man. It ain't bad. It'll get the job done. Buddy, congratulations on the new special. Oh thank you, man. You said you had trouble getting here. What happened? Fill us in on that before we get to the backstory.

Well, one, it's raining outside, so getting an Uber was a pain in the ass. And then when I got the Uber, it was just crazy. I guess because it's the weather. Yeah. It's just bad traffic. And then when I was about five blocks away, I was already like 17 minutes late at that point, and I was supposed to be. I didn't even say I'd be there 20 minutes late.

So I'm like, sir, I got to get out. I got a podcast. And then I fast walked five blocks with the emotion of, like, I'm trying to stop a girl that I never told I love her from getting on that to take that job in Italy. She's going to get on the plane. Wait, darling. Where's gate 64? Hey, man, you can't park there.

Leave the car out in front of the airport. Keep it. You don't think you say keep it. Unfortunately, now is when you try to run through a TSA pre-check and you get clubbed down by eight guys. You get tased. It's like a German shepherd hot on your tail. He goes, not only is this guy trying to jump security, he's also got five ounces of listerine

in his pocket. Where are you going with that shampoo, buddy? No, you don't understand. There's a girl I love. Would you mind raising your arms in this thing, please? Sorry, I got to check. They're just standing there doing the hove. Do you have a metal ass?

For some reason, there's a yellow square over your ass. Dude, as we, as we said, and we were saying before, we want to have you on for so long, everybody's been asking for it. And it just seems like, you know, like fate that it's in the new studio. Yeah, it's great. We can't thank you enough for being here. Congratulations on everything. We fucking love you to death.

Thank you for having me. We're going to take this one nice and slow. Give us the start with the backstory. Hit us. Jersey. South Jersey. South Jersey. Really?

Oh, right. Right. So start from the beginning. Mom, dad had me when they were 19. Garbage. It's not classy. Do you want to do all the checks? Dad's split when I was three or I think was asked to leave.

And then he was like, okay. And then he went to Florida. Were they married? Did they get married? Yeah. Okay. And of course being messy necessarily was just kind of a quick thing. But he went to Florida.

I think in a few months after that came back married that I now understand is an older lady at the time. Oh, you know, my dad was old to me, but he was probably 23 or four. Yeah. And my first stepmother was like 40 already and a mother of like twin teenage boys and a redhead teenage boy, which is hilarious. No one's redhead in that family. Yeah.

And then I mentioned something the other day that always struck me as weird. My dad has not spent enough time with me or doesn't know me well enough to have ever really hit me. I think he gave me like a very soft face like push almost once, but that's it. Dude, he used to like give her kids like the spoon. And you have to hear him go upstairs and hear like that sound like the, like the, the T a thousand S's and a T like the tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss tss because they were just getting zipped by my dad in the end.

It was so bizarre. That's 13 year old twin boys getting spanked on the ass with a spoon by my dad. Not their dad. Not their dad. Your dad. My dad. A guy that's 10 years older than them. Yeah.

And he's also 10 years old. That's just like a fair fight at that point. You asked me for money yesterday. This is bullshit. They're real dead. By the way, it was like a Texas like cowboy hat guy. It was so weird. And then, uh, and then just to give that side of the story of the dad.

And then he, when I was, uh, well, actually I'll say that my, my mom, I was with my mom. My grandparents had me a lot of the time in West Philly. Yeah. This is still in West Philly. It's just you and your mom. Me and my mom and my, but my grandparents were like super involved. Right. They lived a couple blocks away always.

They would take me when my mom, you know, my mom had to work. What's that side of the family? Italian, Irish? What are they? That's the Jewish. They're Jewish. Yeah. That's all the Jewish side.

Okay. Practicing? No. Okay. No, no. Okay. My mom couldn't wait to get like Christmas fucked into our household. Really?

Yeah. My dad's not Jewish. My stepfather is the furthest thing from Jewish. He's, uh, but so was my grandparents and my mom. My grandfather died when I was 10. Um, and, but like even that most of the time, even my step pop first came around. I started dating my step pop when, uh, that's a fun story of the night they met. Great one actually.

Play it honest. My mom met my step pop at, I love you guys are from Philly too. They met at Carnies that used to be, uh, it's right in Ballokinwood. Ballokinwood. I think now it's like an urgent care center of the place, but it was right across from like, you know, like Channel 10 is. Sure. Yeah.

Right on that corner there. The old Adams Mark Hotel and stuff. Yeah. It's right. It's right there. It was a place called corners of the nightclub and my mom brought my step pop home that night. I was in my grandmothers back to West Philly. Oh, West Philly.

Yeah. I was at my grandmothers and my mom a couple blocks away at our place brought my to be stepfather home for the night to fuck. I think they're going to play part cheesy for sure. Wasn't to look at your trophies. Right. So my mom, my mom used to, uh, she like dated over time. Like, and dated is a loose word.

Like she hooked up with a couple cops. Not like that. She was a single mom. She was busy. Yeah. Yeah. Young too. Yeah.

Early 20s probably, right? She wasn't getting gang bang like that. Chinless bitch from that one police station. I think she gets a bad rap too by the way. Me too. Yeah. They should have come down here. Who cares?

Not wrong with that. She shouldn't have whined. One of those cops, wives got word of it and was just like, we're exposed. Sure. She, she made you do that because she's a whore. So my mom would like, uh, I thought they were just friends. I almost thought it was kind of cool that a guy was coming with like a gun belt to our house and shit.

And then it was like, Hey, hit the sack. So give you a shot of Nyquil. One time my mom, and again, she'll say they were just friends. Sure. Let's say it's fine. It's true. But one of them, what they did was Dave, very blonde guy. Tall, always they had the mustaches.

Sure. His thing was he would shine the light into our, the top, we were on the top floor of a duplex apartment. He'd shine into our window and that was the sign that, uh, I'm coming over. It's like when the doorbell rings or whatever it's me. Gotcha. So, you know, they would just be on shift and they would come over literally in like,

I don't know. If I was awake, nothing, but who knows? Christ knows what happened in the middle of the night. But he would shine that light and that means he's coming. And then, uh, so he did that that night and my mom had my step pop up there. So she just, uh, what's funny was when the doorbell rang, she's ignored it because it was like, well, actually I'm asleep or I'm not here, whatever it is. It doesn't matter.

It's like, not like a big deal. Um, cops don't go away. Yeah. No, he did go. Not only that, he never rang the doorbell. He did that apparently and got a call or something and couldn't come up. This isn't cell phones. We could let her know.

He just like, uh, he just took off. The doorbell still rang because my mom went on a date with a guy that she, my mom was funny too for being Jewish, even like her Jewish friends. Well, I never understood until I moved to New York, when I moved to New York, first time I saw Jews where I went, Oh, like that's what they mean. Sure. My mom, like friends were like backyard, like biker parties. Like, you know what I mean?

That, it was more that, you know what I mean? Like, uh, like weird, like, like Philly people that were into country. Sure. That weird, that subculture. Yeah. And she met a guy at one of those barbecues named Ron. It's always a Ron. Yeah.

Ron or Randy. Floating around. She went on a date with Ron. I don't think it worked out. She wasn't that into it or whatever. But Ron apparently was an alcoholic and after, by chance, after that guy flashed the window, Ron just decided to show up and start ringing the doorbell at two in the morning or whatever. So he's ringing the doorbell, but he's not stopping ringing it.

And they're almost like, that's kind of weird. Like my mom says, like, oh, it's a friend of mine who was going to come over the cop. She's like, he's probably just ignore it. Uh, then they hear a smack, a window smash and the guy punched through one of the little, you know, square windows, open the thing, came upstairs. My step pop is hilarious. So funny. He's a genius.

He's an academic and also a power lifter and more personality of that than like a guy who's book smart. Sure. And thank God he was like cool because he didn't beat the shit out of the guy. They literally like wrapped up his wounds and called an ambulance. And so I hope she at least sucked them off or something like something because what was that deserves it. And this is always so funny. This is the first meeting of my step five. My long time step up who I love.

He's my family. You know what I mean? Like, there's nothing, you know, he might as well be a father to me for sure. But our first meeting was me and my friend, John, stayed at my grandma's night before came home the next day. And the first thing we see windows smashed out. And then I mean a soupy trail of blood going up, you know, whatever, three flights of steps. And then and then I opened my front door, which is actually weirdly kind of open. Not my mom's not there.

It's my step up wearing a button down shirt with like a wife beater underneath. So you can see, he's like, you know, muscular and stuff, ripping a new port, sitting in his pleated jeans on my couch. And he goes, hey. How you doing? The trail of blood just left of that. I'm like, what? You just kill everybody in here, dude. This is like fucking first 48.

I've been waiting on you, kiddo. You're the last one I got to get. No witnesses. Go get your grandparents, will you? Yeah, just look. This is the face you're going to want revenge on in 20 years. That was my first. Hey, big guy.

How you doing? He goes, hey, champ. What do you think of the Eagles this year? Who's that comfortable in a crime scene? Just a fucking hang out and rip eaters. Oh, shit. So that's my first meeting with him. So my step pop comes in to the picture when I was like 11, 10 or 11.

They get married. Well, come on, dude. What's the show called? She got pregnant. Had a child. When the child was like two, they got married. Maybe even like one. Are you at this wedding and involved in this?

What could it be? It was in Susan's backyard. It was next door. Be weird if I wasn't. Yeah. I was looking at your bedroom window. I was breaking the ZD. Of course I was there.

Oh, man. They got wrapped scallops. This is bullshit. This is Susan's backyard. This is Susan's backyard. Why wouldn't it be me and Susan or Ty? Yeah. Susan loves me.

Yeah. As far as I know, me and Susan have no issues. Yeah, we got a prom. You couldn't have said something. So. What was that? So yeah, my brother was born. They got married.

And then for the next, I guess, what was it, eight years? Yeah. For the next eight years, it was, every four, she'd have another kid since my two sisters. Okay. So. And I'm 11 years older than my brother, 15 than my sister and 19 than my other sister. I was just kind of in-house. I have 10 and 16 years older.

So what's your youngest sibling? Steps sibling. She's half siblings. She's half siblings, but they're 25. 25. Did you guys stay in that house? Or 26 by now. So.

Because you moved to every dirt bag who gets a couple of bucks, crosses the bridge, moves the South Jersey. What did he do by the way? My grandfather passed away when I was almost 10. And he was big. That was a big one for me. And then it was just so funny as though, even with my step-pop being around. This is what I always find so funny.

My step-pop was right. He's a guy. He was a great male influence in so many ways. He brought dirty comedy in my life. He brought, you know, like the guy's talking shit kind of element of it and stuff. But he still, it was so funny that he still didn't bring like masculinity in the sense of like, I still, if you were like, hey, change these brakes. I'm like, if you gave me all the equipment, I couldn't change.

I don't know what I'm doing. Are you kidding me? Spark plug, where it goes. I remember my dad when I was young. I'd go to see him. He would always be so disappointed. He's like, we're going auto zone. I'm getting these, I remember explaining to me, split fire.

Spark plugs. He was like, you see, because it's the split fire. So it's got two sparks. So it burns the gas more. I'm like, I don't know. You try to do this now, bro. Yeah. I'm like, I'm here for the weekend.

Really trying to cram a lot in today. Have you seen Gallagher's new special? Relate to me. Yeah. Know what I like, you weirdo. What did Ron do? What did your stepdad do? They patched him up and...

No, no, no. What did... Oh, Joe. Joe. Joe. I'm sorry. What does he do for a living? So when he met my mom, while he's a super smart guy, he was essentially like a Coke

guy. Not then. He went to the Navy to get off Coke. He was probably like a year removed from the Navy. Was he Italian? I picture Italian. I picture like a fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah.

Italian. And he was... He worked at GNC and like worked out and like competing like powerlifting contests. Working at GNC and Philly. He worked at a GNC granite run mall. We have to go pick him up because he also didn't have a car. But I was like... But also like, you got to zoom out your mom's young, right?

Yeah. She's 20. She's 29. Yeah. It's like, that's not that crazy. No, no, no. We're trying to get it together. She was...

Well, what... Most of my young life, my mom just worked in retail. I don't know why this didn't dawn on me most of my life until now. Is it like, where did she work in retail? Like whatever. I was like, no, it's funny. Like she did know her thing. We were broke and she had a fat kid and my mom became like...

At first she would... When I was a little, little kid, she worked the smallest form of wear, renting tuxedos. Okay. And then I would be the little model at the fashion shows they had to go to, which I do have pictures of. I'll be happy to send you guys those. As you see, this tuxedo pairs well with the Jane wallet. Good for second marriages and court dates.

And then when she saw I was going to be a Husky child, she became like a manager, casual male, big and tall. No way. Yeah. So then... I'm going to have to close this animal. I can't be buying Husky clothes on my salary. Oh, so it was whatever it was.

OP. A lot of ocean Pacific. Shout out to it, man. I was a big OP kid myself, buddy. So they... And my mom, so when my grandfather passed away, she kind of like promised that she was going to do like more. So she went back to...

She went to Philadelphia Community College, got her associates for respiratory therapy. Okay. Which pretty cr... If I didn't do... Before I figured out I wanted to try to do comedy, I was literally just going to do that because this is my thought of respiratory therapy. It's a noble job. It's a great...

It's a very important job. Sure. It's a major important job in emergency rooms and hospitals and everything and it makes good money. And you only got to go to school for two years. So my mom was just kind of finishing that up when she met my stepfather. And then she got pregnant and they're going to have the kid and they're going to get married. And my step-pop just kind of had like a, he's so smart.

He was like, oh man, I got to figure something out. And he goes, hey, Terry, what do you do again? And he's like, respiratory therapy. He goes, yeah, I guess I'll just do that. And he just went to Philadelphia Community College and just aced it. He finished early and they... Roxborough Hospital said they'll pay for his second year if he promises to work there for a couple years.

I think he still works... Yeah, he's still at Roxborough Hospital. He's like the head of whatever there. But like... And still also then he comes home and throws chains on the end of a barbell that's got a bunch of weight on it. It's just so funny. Is he still in good shape?

I mean, for his eight, yeah, he's like in his sixties now. Yeah, he's still like strong as shit for sure. And when did you guys move out to, when did they move to Jersey? So, when my step-pop, probably about two years after they were both working steadily as respiratory therapists, it was like, yeah. Well, our first upgrade was we moved across the street into a row home instead of top of the duplex. Gotcha.

Same block, few houses down. That's awesome. And then when I was like, this is, wow, we got cable, there's nuts. You look at the old house like, ugh. Yeah. They're bags. Garbage living in an apartment. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Mm-hmm. Can't be a couple of screws loose over there. Yeah, buddy. I know we all do. I need a screwdriver to tighten them up. Online therapy, that's the way to go. You do it in the comfort of your home, you get to talk to a licensed therapist. And you know, they might not have the specialist you're looking for in your home down.

BetterHelp can help. Yeah. Guy, you know, you get stuck in your head. You're spinning your wheels. You're trying to figure it out. Of course. You need to get that stuff out and have someone else go, whoa, stop thinking that. Do this.

Do that. Figure it out. It's fantastic. I'm a big proponent of talk therapy. It's been crucial in my life at several different points of time, except when my mom made me go, my parents got divorced. I'll never forgive you for that. Take a quick survey to get connected with a licensed therapist at BetterHelp.

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Do it. Kip, here's a home run, baby. Let's talk about that liquid IV. Liquid IVizzle. Let me give you a couple of ways you can use liquid IV. You got like 103 screaming fever. You can snort it. I was sucking that down, left and right.

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Anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code Garbage at liquidIV.com. Do it. So we, uh, and then we moved to the townhouse too, I guess, but in South Jersey when I was 16. So 16 years old, my, uh, where were you going to school when you were in West Philly? Lamberton. Lamberton. It was, would that have been your high school?

It was kindergarten through 12th grade. Really? The smart kids would go off to masterman or central. Okay. Central. Yeah, my cousin went to central. They would go off for that or like, uh, Gratz, I think it was another kind of one. You can get out of, but for the most part you went to St. Colistus.

If you were Catholic, uh, went to Catholic school or you went to Lamber, and Lamberton was just kindergarten through 12th grade, ninth grade, they do in a synagogue across the street because no one cares about the synagogue. Yikes. Um, yeah, we were talking about this on skanks the other day too. I've never experienced in school for all the garbage things I did experience. I'm still blown away by how many people my age, younger, older, who were like, yeah, every kind of neighborhood had like teacher fucks kid, teacher fucks student, or, uh,

guy or girl, fucks friends, dad or mom, like an adult fucking like a teenager story had. I don't ever. Nothing. My school, that school from kindergarten through 12th grade was the oldest of old white ladies. Uh, strong, very strong personality, older black women, very farney like Indian ladies. And so I was like, maybe the guy teachers were getting some love from the girl students, but I don't, I didn't have a, I didn't have a teacher through 12 years of schooling that was attractive ever.

Really? Now that said, my, my first album I did at stay in New York, an American story teller, it's fun because in the audience is my daughter at the time, her current kindergarten teacher who was smoking hot and I think I get her talking about taking it in the shitter on the show. I think I keep saying, I go, it's my daughter's kindergarten teacher. She's currently my daughter's kindergarten teacher. She has to call us in and be like, she's not doing well with letters or whatever.

And I'm going to be like, well, how do you know? You're going to make your, well you're over here trying to, you're trying all your silent farts coming out because your asshole walls don't touch anymore. You pig. Okay. All right. So you move it, you move out to South Jersey, where'd you go to high school out there? Triton high school was called Triton high.

Is this near Voorhees? It's run a mead. So yeah. Yes. It's like a town before. I remember driving by and seeing run a mead. It just sounds trashy to me. Run a mead.

Oh yeah. Yeah. It is trashy. Pawn shops. Yeah. But a great diner. Your jersey has a great diners tucked away in there. I feel like all of them now.

I think an unspoken victim of the pandemic is the diner of almost none of them are open 24 hours. Yeah. It's brutal. Especially in New York. Forget about it. 10 o'clock. They turn into like shitty restaurants.

Yeah. Yeah. Veselka, one of the classic 24 hours. Love it. It's a 10 o'clock. Yeah. It's crazy. What was the mascot?

The high school mascot. For in Philly, it was the Blue Devils. Okay. Respectable. No out of school competitive teams though. So maybe in cross country. No basketball team. Nothing.

Intermural. Bowling. Because the center because the center bowling lanes were maybe like a seven minute walk from school. One year. I forget what year it was. Maybe 10th or 11th grade or something. Probably 10th grade.

Or a gym class for a session of it for like a semester of it was everybody walked over the bowling. But the good thing was they didn't really govern your bowl. You had the bowl. But you also can go over and get some Oat of Sponkmeyer cookies. Shout out to it. Shout out to it. Shout out to a bowling alley fucking concession stand.

Yeah. They weren't bad. They were all right. That's great. It wasn't some dirty water dog. I think it had snap. I don't know who's working that grill. Full on arcade.

That's actually the bowling. I love having other details that going backwards. That bowling alley is where my mother and father also met because my dad was a pin setter and my mom was there hanging out and then had just hanging out at a ball hanging out at a bowling alley. He's a tough look. She's hanging out at 19 and my dad's setting the pins. He's a human machine.

He was like a rock star. She was like he was the coolest dude in the building. Yeah. He's got the most dangerous job. He's fucking walking down the lane. He's not cleaning the shoes like a loser. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, when I get this fucking alley wax off my hands, can I cream pie you? What was high school like? So you got over there in South Jersey. She said 16. Yeah. Like a sophomore junior junior. Yeah. And what was high with the grades?

Never. I always just did enough to kind of get by it. Do you take the SAT? No. I took the PSATs. I don't think I did great. But I think I genuinely did a pattern because it was like they said on that PSAT day, like when you're done, you're done.

It was a school day and I was just like, just crushed. Yeah. Yeah. I did the same thing with the SAT. Yeah. I genuinely, I didn't, I knew I didn't give a shit about school. I was always going to do as much school as I had to do, which is an interesting thing having a 20-year-old daughter now whose mother is an academic.

And then me, you know, like my daughter was like, I don't know, she went to like a semester of like just doing it at home and everything, but she also didn't want to go away to college either, you know. Yeah. And it's so funny at me getting that more. I'm like, yeah, we'll just go like, you know, do whatever. Just do something. Yeah, do something.

I don't care what it is. Yeah. But I don't give a shit. Just go to college or not. If you're, she's like, hey, I want to be a nurse. I'm like, that's awesome news. Sure. But if she's just like, I don't know, but they're telling me to just take a math class and

like, don't waste my money like that. I'll be talking and rolling and shit just to enroll, ladies. She's going to go to esthetician school. I'm like, there's the ochre, some blood right there. Let's get it done. And the name lives on. Yeah. Got to get you dressed like Peggy Bundy.

And the legend continues. You also have one. You didn't get your, you didn't get your black heads popped by ochre since the water. She does it like no one else. He did one open mic and then didn't you like drop out of college? You're in. Yeah. He did one open mic.

Black comedy club open mic. He's like, I'm going to be famous tomorrow or whatever. It was so unenrolled from college. Unenrolled. Yeah. With Drew from like the four classes. It was. Yeah.

It was so funny. And I did that. The first time I did it, I think, you know, I bet if there was a tape of it, it went at very best. Okay. Sure. There was only a Jerry Springer joke in there. And I was like, how can nobody in comedy be talking about Jerry Springer comedy?

It was already hacky. But I didn't know. You know what I mean? But I went, but whatever it was, just when I did it in my mind, I guess because it didn't go bad. I was like, I just did state of comedy was where I go, well, this is the thing. Goodbye. I'm going on.

Rubimentary math class going on in on this college in such a shitty way. Like I didn't want to be there. So I would hear all those things like, well, you could take a, you know, three day a week biology class goes, or you could pop in there for four hours on a Saturday. And I was like, well, but then it's over. And then just like on that Saturday comes here, it's like, why would I fuck am I doing this for four hours? We're leaving the middle of it when there's like a, you know, a little break they give

you. I'm like, I used to come home like it was high school. I used to come home to my mom and be like, there was no parking there, not a whole spot in a whole township. I go, I go, there's some people parking in the lawns, but I don't know if you're allowed to do that. So I'm like, she's like, you have to go. You're paying for college.

I go, well, we don't want to park. My pencil broke. What do you want from me? They don't got sharpeners. This is college. They expect to be adults with our own sharp pencils walking in there like an asshole. They don't live in the townhouse still. Do they?

Yeah. They still live there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what I was liking about college at all was that was the time I have a bit I've done about it forever now. It's just a funny story of going the, what was it called?

The fantasy show bar on Black Horse Pike when you were 18 black horse bike, buddy. But when we used to go there when we were 18, as soon as you go, I think we even got in a couple of times when it was no booze, no booze, but it was all nude. Full nude. And they used to do, they used to do shows. And that dude, we were like 18 too, went over there and these two girls started going at it on stage and like the shower room or whatever. They hate us.

Wild. For that reason. Again, I don't, you know, as you become an adult, you understand tipping and doing the right thing. And even if you go to a strip club, cause you're like, well, I'm not really into them, but like, yeah, the three of us are in whatever, like it's across the street. Let's walk into this place. You're going to drop a, you know, if, if you've got to throw a couple of a couple of

bucks for their services, yeah, you do the right thing. Yeah. Our thing was like, how could we get away when the internet first came out and you know, the printer paper was a, there was a thing for fancy show bar where it's like, you know, like a school reports, all there's no pictures and the pictures were always made with like, you know, a clip art or whatever. No, not even the pictures were like, that's a tits, but like made from like dashes and sure.

Like binary code or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And the fancy show bar thing had a girl on the cover who was like, they're the girl, like the professional one that worked there. We used to go on amateur night, but you'd still see the pro girls. I respect the art. You know what I mean?

I don't want to see the razzle dazzle. And me and my friends would print, they had a, a deal that was them not knowing how good of it they were giving too much away, but they didn't know they were giving it to children who had no money. We needed fray night at this place a couple hours. We need three bucks. Jesus. Because this pass you print out was free entry, which was already probably like 10 bucks or

something to get right a free was too thick. Oh, the other drinks were free. The sodas were free. You still got to tip a dollar for it. Oh, I know what it was. Drink and pass. So when you walk in, so the entrance was free. When you walk in, there's a girl, if you remember, to be just standing there.

Yeah. The first thing they call the titty hug. So when you go on first things first, you got to put a doll on your mouth and the girl is going to pull a doll. Titty sandwich is known in my circle. Okay. Okay. Well, you know, it's like, I know the vernacular changes place, place, you put it together.

You can put it together. Ah, titty sandwich. Jay's got a check in his mouth. That's post dating. Hold that for a week. Don't cash it. Hang on. I just got to make sure.

I have to move some things around. What is the gas company on it? That's how I move. So you'd have to give her a dollar. Then a lady walks you guys to your seats and then she just flat out puts a garter belted leg up on the thing and you got to put the dollar in there. Now you're two in. Yeah.

And then at some point you wait, because here's what I also got you that was brilliant. Again, we, us not realizing anything about marketing or anything. We build it. What they would give you for free and not even ask for tips is nonstop of the most delicious buttery, as salty as popcorn you could possibly have. I don't remember the popcorn. It was so, but all that did was make you have to, so we would just get like, like, like mouth suck dry and then be like, I'll have a sprite now, please.

There's your other dollar. What that free pass gave us was free entry and free shower show entrance. What are you talking about? Shower show. That show. What's going on with that else? I've been to, again, I haven't been to actually a ton of strip clubs in my life. I still think about that every once in a while, but I thought you had to be like, I've never

seen a Broadway show. I imagine. I mean, Pizazz, is that a possible word? How good could Miss Saigon be? No, that show of the strip clubs I've been in stuff. Unreal. That show was, was it faked? Probably didn't matter.

It was like a, it's like watching a porn. It was like a 15, almost 20 minute thing and they, the people who bought, it was $25 to go in there and then it's like these kind of like, just like lines of like bleachers and in a shower stall. And they would take turns, one would sit behind, well, first things first, they go $5 to come up and be a soap person. And then because we had no money, we'd always, our thing to ourselves be like, what a loser. What kind of nerve.

Yeah, you fucking paying five dollars to spit. Right here. Five dollars. Buddy, I would have given $50 if it was in my pocket. Dude, I did it. The first time I got a massage prostitute, I gave her a hundred percent of the money in my pocket because she told me it was $300 and I was like, I don't have that and she goes, what do you have?

And I went $200 and she goes, okay, and I just gave her a hundred percent of the money in my pocket. Listen, you're a nice boy. I'll do it for $200. She would have done it for $50 if I probably would have said so, but she saw it all over me. Because you do have, even now, you do have childish wonderment sometimes. You're very like.

Yes, and so the shower show, we'd sit in the back, so everyone would do their five dollars and they'd soap the girls' tits up and then we'd just sit there and then they would take turns sitting behind one another and for probably five minutes each at least, one would hold the shower spray on the other one's pussy and the other one would just, and she would just play with her own pussy and fake, like they would do it into, it was never just like now switch. They would fake come or come. Academy award-winning performances.

It was a lot, like they went for it, if it makes sense, it'd probably be less embarrassing to just come than to fake what they were doing. Sure, sure, that makes sense. You almost be like, if I'm going to make a wacky noise, I might as well make it actually happen, but probably not the case. And then they would switch spots and the other one would start over and do it all over again for free because we had a lot, and I'm sorry, but they actually started asking us to start like ripping off the track-side, like can you at least please, like they hated us.

I never realized it at all, but their main girl that was on the website, like the only real picture on the website, and you can just see just the long blonde hair, just the quintessential stripper chick, fake tits, whatever, what I loved. The only thing I remember, like the day, the only day I remember Camden County Community College was going, she wasn't even in my class, it was walking out and just seeing her with like school books and whatever and the thing, and I was like, no way, it's like, I mean, it's probably not Diamond, but that's Diamond, whatever her name was. And then just watching the slow like reality of like, for some reason, I guess she just

lived in my area or something. Then like a couple weeks later, I saw her like working cashier at like shop right also with like pictures of like her kids, but you know, I mean like her kids and you just like all the reality of this thing, it's like, oh, she's not a beautiful, but like very early I got that shot, I go, yeah, she's just struggling. If her pussy was bigger than that much money, she probably wouldn't be, yeah, fucking cabbage at shop right. They're rolling in there giving her counterfeit money.

Maybe if there's a couple of big spenders coming in from time to time, she wouldn't have to moan like soap somebody up scumbag. I never really feel like my I am like you, I am part of the ladder of that woman's terrible life. Yes. Yeah. Let's talk about that landscape, baby. Listen, spring cleaning.

Don't stop in the front and the backyard. Do yourself a favor. Get them nuts cleaned up. Clean your Easter eggs before the squirrels and the gophers and the neighborhood dogs start sniffing around down there. Get yourself cleaned up gang and you can do that with the performance package for point zero. We're talking about the lawnmower form point.

Oh, trimmer. We're talking about the weed wacker to point. Oh, sure. Talking about the ear and nose trimmer, the crop preserver ball deodorant, let's go tight crop reviver toner, performance boxer briefs and a nice travel bag. What are you doing? I got the travel bag. I use it all the time.

Take it. Everyone around with me. Yeah, guys. It's fantastic. It's a game changer. Take care. You know, if you got a him or her in your life, yeah, make it easier on the other view. Freshen it up, man.

Keep it tight. What are we doing? You guys noticed at this point, they teamed up with test. Also, Manscaped is teamed up with the Testicular Cancer Society for Testicular Cancer Awareness Month to bring awareness to men's health and early cancer detection. It's part of We Save Balls Initiative. Testicular Cancer is the most common form of cancer in men in ages 15 to 35. One man every day is diagnosed.

Take care of your balls with Manscaped. Be sure to check out Cancer, check for Cancer at least once a month. Right now, you can save 20% off in free shipping with code garbage at manscaped.com. That's 20% off in free shipping with the code garbage at manscaped.com. Hop into the best deal of the year with Manscaped, baby. Now, back to the show. Back to the show. Oh, man, it's so funny, but I also love to have him buddies, no strip clubs, who would

like I really was pretty or again, like my own insecurity has probably saved me from like looking silly sometimes, because like when I hear my ear, it's like, I'm so happy there's finally like a normal guy in here, like you're cute, like we go and I just had the thing I go. Well, that's clearly something she's paid to say to try to get me to go to the thing. And then the best thing was just and always to me, it was always like confident guys in the group. They remember coming to go.

Yeah, I'm going to run the back with her. Like she said, she's like digging me and stuff. You know, she don't normally do it, but she's going to do it with me every time. I loved it. I kind of loved the hustle of it. I'm like, good for you, lady. I'm like, good for you. Look at you go.

I respect that. I respect that. She likes me, man. Every single time. Somebody does. Not normally, but I will for you. You seem like a real cool guy when I used to. I got a job.

These other losers in here. When I first started comedy at like 19, I started working a job. My friend told me about this job, it being a job that exists at all. And I was like, I would do that. And it was the driving strippers and escorts to bachelor parties. That was always something I wanted to do. And it's it's it really is not glamorous like you'd hope. But it's so funny.

The difference mindset. I never in my life would I ever think that's glamorous sounds like the saddest shit to me. And you two guys are like, you did it. You may have had the same thing though in my mind. I was like, well, they're sure. And now I'm not just a guy in the audience. I'm with them.

Like I know them. Not the work together. But I'm like, I'm the guy. So now I'm in a position where it's like, clearly they do this and they get all horned up. And then they're probably going to want to just throw pussy at me afterwards. You find out very quickly that like they want to go home and like burn their epidermis off.

Yeah. Like they it's gross what they see my 86. But the first girl I ever drove we don't have a getting wrapped up in someone's like pretty. She was I thought she was gorgeous. I would love to see a picture of it. I mean, you can barely see the C-section score on this chick. Definitely had a kid. But you couldn't see.

No, she was just young and just like she was just young and hot. She just had a tan, gorgeous. And I took her and I said, I was so enamored. It's funny when you watch somebody doing like a pig ish thing. And then but I was like, I was like proud of her because she did a thing. I remember why it was my first time ever doing it. So I'm like, what is she going to do? Can't even see the ping pong ball.

Can you? Completely gone. Huh? Similar thing. Actually, she goes, all right, guys, get out your fives, your 10s and your 20s for fine. You know, round about what she was telling you that she's going to roll it up into like, you know, a Coke straw essentially thing and put it in her pussy a little bit. If it's a five, a little bit and you'll bite it out.

You take it out of your teeth, $10. She's going to put it a little bit further in $20. She's going to put it all the way in. And here's the thing. I don't know if it's the best example to use as she's putting this thing in her pussy, more or less, she's going this to hold it in. So a $5 bill in her pussy is only going to be this long. You can always get as close as her fingers.

Right. From if you did a $5 bill, never going to change anything. Sure. Every guy throws down a 20 because they believe they're getting closer. And I was just there. I'm like, brilliant. Brains and beautiful. Literally, I was like, I was like, this is, wow, look at her go.

I got an amazing thing. And then afterwards we drove, we stopped at a 7-Eleven and I remember her getting like, you know, whatever those junk ass roses or flowers they have there, our little bouquets will have and she put them on the thing and she bought them. And then we got in the car, I'm like, who are the flowers for? I'm driving around. And by the way, I'd already gotten like to just trying to get my kid back, put my abusive ex-boyfriend, something, something.

And I was like, what are the, who are the flowers for? And she goes, for me, she goes, after like a night of that, like, I feel like I should have, you know, I should, I deserve flowers. And I was like, oh yeah, and I dropped her off in the next day. I drove to her house and knocked on her door and I was like, I think somebody should buy you flowers. And I was like, this is us falling in love. Nope.

Nothing at all. And then cut ahead two years or so. Share it off my property. So would you mind leaving? You slide your rolled up 20 back in your mind. OK, fair enough. No, she was like sweet, but it was just like, it didn't like, we didn't fall into each other's arms the way I believe we were going to.

And it was a weird move for sure. But she, you know, I worked with her maybe a couple more times. And she was like one of the girls when you were like, oh, she's like, I'll make some money tonight, too. Because they tip you out afterwards. So I'll make some money because she like kills it. This girl's great as far as like doing the job. Maybe like two years later or something.

I was just like having a ride. You know, I wasn't like working too much in New York on the weekends or Philly. So I had like plenty of weekends off and I needed to make money because I wasn't making money in comedy. So I was like, let me pick this job up again. That was a job. I don't know what it's like now. You can go in the phone book and find like, you know, go goes entertainment

or whatever and call them and be like, hey, you need drivers. And I mean, more than once, they're like, yeah, come by now. And we'll send you out with a girl at 5 PM or whatever. Yeah. And like, yeah, you're working the job already. You have a license. OK. And you fight.

They didn't even give a shit about that. In fact, when I asked, the job's actually kind of dangerous at times, at least like on the threat, like you're in a dangerous situation. And then the guy was like, yeah, don't you carry a gun? So I was like, why do all these old men do it? Like all these old, all these old like Italian guys do it. Yeah, they can't fight. They can't.

And I was like, what's the thing? And they go, yeah. And he was almost like the point. He was like, yeah, who's you can't fight 25 guys. They have a gun. I love her, man. Get your hands off her. I had a guy brandish a gun one time and all I thought right away was saying, I go,

I don't care if he shoots this girl 15 times in the face. Why am I going to get killed for protecting this lady? I don't know. That's when I was like, I am not the right person to do this job. But a couple years I hadn't done it much at all. And I called this company. He's like, yeah, come over. And I'll send you out.

I go to his place. It was great. It was in an apartment. So some of the garbage, like are you garbage? South Jersey, particularly. I can't speak for anybody else in the world. I've never met a worse class of people than apartment complex people. Oh, forget it.

It's rough. And if I know good people who moved into apartment complexes, but very quickly on a Saturday night at their house, there was people from the apartment complex over who are undesirable. Sure. Sure. Once you once you cross that line, you start hanging out with the neighbors. You're jammed up.

So I would tell you, it's Billy from fucking 4B. Then you're a weekend away from having a party at the community pool. And then you're in. Then there's no way out. There's no looking back. Yeah, there's no looking back. I go in this guy's apartment. He's got a couch, a TV on the floor, and the rest of his floor is lined

with his bodybuilder trophies. And he's just that guy, you know, the tank top is tied in a knot on the top of each shoulder, like a hot broad. And he's just nice enough guy, I guess. And he goes, yeah, you're going to drive this Asian girl. You're going to pick her up. And then you're going to go pick her up with my cousin when my cousin gets here, like she's the other girl who's going.

Cousin. I was like, oh, cool. Family business. Hey, my cousin's here. Walks in. It's the girl. The first girl I ever met. No, no, shit.

Ruffer. Looks a little worse for the wear. Yeah. And I was like, wow, I'm like, but okay. I'm like, you know, I still see her like in there. Sort of. You pull flowers out from behind your back. I never thought I'd be carrying you for three years.

Constantly watering them, he goes, we'll find her. We'll find her. I put Miracle Girl on him, said he would stay alive for you. Just like my love for you. We'll find her. So she comes out and I'm like, wow, you know, we kind of catch up, but she looks, she looks a little rough, but I pick her up. And this was the girl.

I drove her with other girls before, like back those years before. And she was always like the standout, like one. She's had a great body. Sure. Tan the whole way. She just looked great and young and pretty. And we picked this Asian girl up. The Asian girl.

Ha, she looked like the Black Widow, the full girl. Yeah. Once she was young, not now. Black Widow turned in exactly what you thought she was going to turn into. A lady screaming you over fish. And we go to this thing. It's like a VFW type party. And man, these guys.

So classy. Classy. And what was for the first time I'm seeing and they don't give a shit. This Asian girl is working there. They love her and she looks great. Exactly what you're hoping when she gets hot, young Asian chick. Killing it. They're laughing almost at the other one because she gets one of the thing

about her, like her skin was like super tan and just like she looked great. She's super pale and like pasty and blemishy. And then like she's bending over doing whatever with this Asian girl. They're all fours together. And like her ass is just kind of like narrower now. And like, so you just see her super like darkened asshole. And the people are sitting and goes, why are you guys telling us? Why is her asshole so dark?

And a VFW. Yeah, that's bad because they've seen some rough, some rough beel. You got balls, buddy. Looks like Tommy's ass. When he had that thing, you had that. You're eating meatballs with coleslaw. Third ball when you can gross out veterans. She's just guys, guys hanging around Sternes.

Piss me. Oh, definitely. Sternos there. W baby. The food ain't bad, man. I'll tell you that right now. No, no, you feel like a pesto pasta. Sure, maybe.

But they I remember the guys kind of more like laughing at her more than sure. And I was like, and then we go back. We dropped the Asian girl off and we go back to those sort of the job. I think nothing. We never did any more jobs tonight. But part of that job, the thing, the job that sucked was like you'd go if you had one thing, if it was an hour away or 45 minutes away, you'd go to that one thing.

And that could just be the only thing or they could hit you up two times and be like, you're stopping at these two more things on the way home. And so it was like a come back to my weird. You know, weightlifting dungeon. Come back to the dojo. Come back to the dojo. Back to the office, back to the office, back to HQ. I'm at dirt back north of here.

Back to HQ. And we're sitting there waiting and we're sitting on his couch and like TVs on and she starts like for the first time she's like taking her feet like she took her like shoes off. So I was like digging your feet like under my body and sort of like up on my thigh and shit. And I was like, not now. It's not even for the thing.

I'm just like, I think you're going to give me something now. Like that whole room just made fun of your dookie shoe. You're crazy brown asshole. Hey, can you put socks on? You're you're crazy. You're crazy brown asshole. You don't have to. There's more than asshole.

You have to bleach there. The discoloration is spread. It's like black mold. You got to take care of it. It's going to get out there. It's like rust. Get some tylics on that. Yes.

Scrubbing or something. Get some scrubbing bubbles, some lime remover. That's all right. Yeah, that was all right. You know, it's funny the first time I ever even saw cocaine. In my life was when I went back to one of the place called Dream Girls in New York and their headquarters was like a loft apartment, but it was like nicer thing. It's there was like a desk with a girl, but one time and you'd go back there

and wait for things in between. That's where I watched Ellen DeGeneres tell the world she was a lesbian on the Ellen show. I saw that at age. Dream Girls HQ. At Dream Girls HQ. But this girl and she was just like a little like like Pudge. Like she was she was just a receptionist. She wasn't one of the girls.

And then she's she pulled out like a little baggy with her. I'd never seen it before. And I was like, what's that? She goes, Coke, you want some? I was like, no, she goes, you don't mind. Do you? I'm like, I don't care. But like I did. I was like, can we not do drugs?

I don't know what's going to do to you. And it did. It was like I'm on the clock right now. I've seen a zillion people do coke at this point. For only have done it doing it twice myself ever. I've seen it a bunch of times and I've never seen such hit her like a cartoon. Yeah. That was people I have friends of mine who have done

Coke a bunch in their life said the reason they hated the show Vinyl. What do you remember that at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that the depiction of doing Coke? Every time he did it, it was just like, you know, just like start screaming and having the fuck like an animal right away. And it's like kind of nonsensical thing. She did Coke and was like, whoa, and stood up and started showing me.

She could do handstands. And that's a lot like that was Coke. And that's a lot. So it's like these kind of piping and stuff again. She was like doing. Sitting on the couch. I'm like, phones ringing. And she has to be like, you know, doing a dismount.

She goes, hello, what do you want? Whores or strippers? She answers it with her foot. Prostitutes or whores. Prostitutes or strippers. What do you want? Press one or two. Yeah.

If you want to fuck the girl, press two. If you want to just watch a strip. Like Kramer on movie phone. All right. Jesus Christ. All right. Let's run through some fucking some AYG questions here. Have you ever owned a pair of cargo sweatpants? Cargo sweat. Describe the like, like sweat pant material. Cargo pants that has the cargo pocket.

Has the cargo pocket on the side. Sweatpants with cargo. Strong maybe because that could have been a poll in the Wutang era. Sure. You went through some heavy, full sweatsuit faces. Not too much full sweats. I've made almost every tracks. I've made almost every mistake you can make. I've seen photos of you at the Laugh House, head to toe in a tracksuit.

There's a great picture of me with my siblings when they were all really little. And I'm dressed like, like I went like, I was like, oh, hang on. I got to take a picture of my family. Can you pause this production of the summertime video by West Smith? Like it's purple and yellow, like short set, like that thing. So I did those goggles on your head. So I went with I did not ski goggles for a minute there, Wutang era. They sold goggles.

Yes. That weren't really for anything, no, except to be on the top of your tilted hat. Yeah, they were not functional. You rocked that. Did that. You're a big accessories guy, which is obviously well documented. I do love accessories for sure. But again, it's funny, like most of the.

Like I do wonder, I'm like, some sort of a wall where it's just like, well, dude, it's khaki pants and polo shirts. Yeah, it's just are that it's not my personality at all. I think my personality and clothes never change necessarily. One size is always a factor in there. Sure. So I think I always kind of wanted to do more like like rock shirts or things like that.

When I was I wanted to get like the Led Zeppelin shirts, but it just it was going to be tight around my little tits. Yeah, so it was going to have to be a, it was going to have to be like, yeah, it was going to have to be like a South Pole stylish hood. Yeah. So it was like being that shit. Yeah. OK. So probably. OK. Anybody ever anybody in your family have ever been on the local news?

No, not that I can think of. Have anyone in your family ever represented themselves in court? No. You know, it's funny, I shouldn't even say it's got to be putting on the side of the thing, my dad's side of the family, his step siblings are weirdly enough like the uncles on his side that I know that more than his actual brothers, they were just like the Philly crew, those guys.

And one of them was mob tied. And the other one, his wife was a mob lawyer. And her dad was like a big guy, I think, like in the thing. But like. It's Uncle Richie. I saw him five times in my life. You know, I mean, it makes sense. I don't know what he looks like even, but I'm just like it was never.

Oh, is any of the questions? Did your mom ever, did your mom ever possibly probably bang one of your father's stepbrothers? Yeah, no, but it can be. Let me add that right now. Yeah, Uncle Tommy, it was yeah, when I was younger, I thought it was the coolest. Uncle Tommy was a fun drunk.

Of course, everybody was drunk back. Yeah, you're right. It's not even that he was just he always was drinking M.G.D. You just drank it. Well, back when you were not drinking and driving was. Yeah, it was like, you were just, oh, I can go here and drink during the afternoon because I'm just going to drive home. It doesn't matter. Absolutely.

And Uncle Tommy is that. But when Uncle is very fun, do just like a big personality, kind of a loud guy and he in my mind, it's always the funniest thing when you just go to, you know, I don't know what the reason is. I'm not going to look the gift horse in the mouth. Uncle Tommy's hanging out and that's pretty cool. So I just mean my mom watching Falcon Crest with Lorenzo Lamas. I can block the rest of this out. No problem.

Remember the good for sure. Damn, OK. They dropped me off together at my godmother's house once for a week in which I hate, I hate to stay away from home when I was a kid. I hated it. Yeah, I was a big fan. I'd freak out. I was like, I'd cry a lot of it. Some weird room.

I just didn't really a bedroom. My thing. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember one time kicking and screaming probably not kicking, you know, but whimpering and not wanting to go the whole time as her and my Uncle Tommy drove me to my godmother's to drop me off and it's definitely so they can go back and just plunge, probably suck them off in the van on the way back in the van. Work, wasn't it?

Tommy had a work van. Uncle Tommy did it right. Shout out to one more vacations like as my dad never came in the town just for my birthday ever once in my life. When my dad heard that Uncle Tommy was probably banging my mom, he showed up looking for them to me. He came and found me. He didn't live near me.

It was a thing for him to come get me. One night he just showed up in my grandmother's house when I was there and was like, where's where's your mom? Is that the time we've been around a bunch of things? Dad, you're going to take me to a ball game? I swear to you, I was like, is this are we doing the things like no, no, no, no. Go back inside. But like, if you see him call me, tell your grandma that I'm looking for a daughter.

Who's empty? MGD's at ease. That's Tommy. I know it. I mean, I'm sure I I still pitching my dad on cheating on my mom for sure. I know that was the beginning of the end. But I mean, yeah, I probably would have been like had you seen your mom and uncle Tommy go, Uncle Tommy being around is the best. And by the way, from what I hear through that door,

it sounds like mom's super happy. Yeah, she loves them here. What were vacations like as a kid? Where would you go? We didn't. We no vacations. Now, Cherry Hill Mall. Kind of. It was just funny. But our tastes were like fine for this.

So in my mind, it was never we were going to go to like the shore for the weekend or like that. We again, I know what happened was my mom and step pop did it by themselves first. And they were like, well, we should bring me and my little brother. Was my parents without me. But the vacation was this is why it's not going to be feel that bad. We were broke. So they were like, there's a mall.

I wasn't that far off. You are. No, as a hotel in by the Baltimore Harbor. Yeah. It has like a mall attached to it. In the inner harbor. Yeah. Yeah. And they went there for a week. And my way they described, they're like, the they're like, we just stay in the room and went to the mall during the day.

And then we go back to the room. And he ends as far as the I can see. I swear, like they go movies on the TV. And the room service at this hotel, I'm telling you, we were at like a double tree. It's not that crazy. Sure. And the room service was fine. But my step, you know, it's like, oh, the burger.

The burger at this thing. And so you got to see the remote. Well, it's not real. You got to see the remote channels in his place when they came home. They were like, yo, we're saving up money and we're doing that with the kid. And we went down there and did it together in one room. Wait till you see the view.

You're going to plot. Holy shit. We stepped out of the indoors of the hotel slash mall once to go get like crab legs or something like across the literally across the crab shack. Yep. Yeah. It's like some outdoor place that had like a, you know, shell. It's different down here.

Hung guys hold it was so close. It was from the hotel. You could be as it goes. That's Camden Yards right there. Phillies play there sometimes. So can we not go to a game? Because look at that, though. Look at that view of Camden Yards.

You can almost smell the popcorn. Holy shit, man. You are so next level trash. It's wild. It's like, it's like you came in and you're like, oh, you guys play. Are you garbage? You guys play street rules because I can play street rules. You know, I did, you know, Justin Silver and Josh

and Amiris have the Himbos podcast they do now, which has like a almost like what's like your rituals of this on the same as I could be so in the gutter on this show with that. I'm also found to be the most like my situation, like what I do, like showering. You try to keep your eyes on a tight ship. Yeah, it's so interesting how it's like the two things and they are not mutually exclusive.

Yeah, they're somehow both walking both worlds. You mentioned color. I put a little I put a little, you know, little facial. It's called face fuel by Kiehl's on my face every day. There you go. Don't seem like I would do that. You don't you do your eyebrows. You do the brows.

I certainly wouldn't fuck a junkie on her cousin's couch. If that's the kind of guy you think I am. It's pretty close to me. If that was directed at me, I'm offended. We know I say when I got here late today, I was like, it's a show to show up late and you have Starbucks and a cologne. Yeah. And I was is that in the Are You Garbage

Universal? Is that like a question that comes like cologne seems like an interesting. That's what I was. Cologne is a very well. What do you use? It's so. I know it. I tend to have good ones. Yeah. I use a Isimiyaki a lot. Christine got me Tom Ford for Christmas. OK. And I've had a John Varvados Black. Those like the three I pretty much.

What were you rocking back in the day? Were you a jacarman? You had to. All of the the schtickies I did through time. Now, my father was a cologne guy and I thought when I was his father before him was a cologne man. We'd go town to town spritzing cologne. I wouldn't wear you cologne if you gave it to me as a gift. Our closets were lousy with swatches.

From the magazine. I've definitely rubbed magazine cologne. Sure. Sometimes you get lucky on they give you. I used to get those for Christmas. My mom would get them at like penny. Oh, yeah. Get a sample. Get a couple of shooters. Couple of fucking one hitters.

Full of CK one or something. I'd have like 20 of them. It's like smelling salts. I lived on those for sure. So my step pop. Oh, my step. My dad would wear cologne. I always thought it was like great. But in hindsight on the colognes of what they were, he did a Aspen.

He did. He did top shelf right aid cologne. Sure. Yeah. Aspen. We were a big Stetson household. Stetson was all right. English leather was a good one. My dad would rock that. Stetson. How about hero or iron?

Yeah, I remember a hero. Iron. I remember. Iron's pretty hilarious. And although and then as I got older, I was like, oh, the night is my ex-wife, actually, she was like, if you like cologne, why don't you get a good cologne? So you're looking for like, I mean, she'd see me like, you know, in like a catcher's position in front of a CVS, a locked CVS like thing going like. But and then in the time, this one's two ninety nine again with the in the.

Can I see the pit bull? Like it's a jewelry store. And then I did all of the whatever came with the idea of a Wu Tang pendant and goggles on a hat. Uh-huh. Also came with cool water, Nautica. Sure. Sure. Tommy sport. Tommy was big.

The blue, the black. God, I forgot about that. Yeah, the Polish. I was a CK one, CKB man. And then my and then my this is such a funny correlation to it. So my girlfriend at the time, I've ended up getting a job at Kmart up the block. Jackpot. She worked in.

She worked in the jewelry and and perfumes were the same thing. So jupy Fahrenheit. I started getting those like pretty right. We were robbing that place blind to colognes. You know, it was all right. Obsession. Remember obsession? See Calvin, right? Obsession.

I think I actually it's a circle. Yeah, my mom got me that for Christmas like a year ago. It's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. She found it in an old closet. There you go. This was your grandfather's. He wanted me to give it a. I put this funny that that girl that my girlfriend would steal my clone when we she broke up.

Me, she dumped me for another guy, but was in between. The thing that was funny how I caught her doing it was my I was I started doing comedy already. So I was going with Kevin Hart and Keith Robinson. We were driving to New York like all the time. So we weren't a legendary show. We weren't like, you know, we weren't spending a lot of time together. And she wasn't even living with me at this time.

But she had this job or whatever. And she said what she was going to get me for Christmas. That he was PlayStation 2. That was a new video game system out. And she said she was looking for it. That's great. One night I went to Keith. Me and Kev went to Keith Robinson's house like when we got home that night and we're just kind of like

I always play Madden or something. It was late, but we're like, let's do it. And so I I had my girlfriend. She had a voicemail on the pager and I left. But I had the code for it because we were just like, that's how we would leave messages. She lived with her parents. And that's how we leave messages to each other.

So I go, hey, I'm not going to be able to do whatever in the late mornings. I'm going to be sleeping with Kev and Keith or Kev's or whatever. It makes them to hang up. And then everyone kind of quickly goes like, I'm actually tired. Let's go. So then I was like, oh, I'll just go delete that message on the thing. And I go and says, you have two messages.

And one of them was a guy being like, yo, I had a really great time. And I goes, I'd like to do that again real soon. So like that. And I was like, and then I was one of those. Like I was sitting up all night like waiting until she can answer a phone in the morning. And then when I called her, her thing was she goes,

you ask, it's a friend of my sisters. That is true. Or a friend of her brother-in-laws. That was the truth. But she goes, he's a friend. He goes, he's a friend of the family. He works at a play. He's the one who getting the PlayStation 2 for you for Christmas.

Ouch. And I just go, I wanted to believe that so bad. That's the best. I remember the I'll never forget the faces of Kev and Keith getting in the car because they were kind of like, what's going on? I go, I'm an asshole. I listen, you're not going to believe it. I start yelling at her.

What are you doing? You're cheating. You're seeing another guy or whatever like that. And this is the guy who's getting my PlayStation 2 for me. And they like, they laugh at that as they should. What are you retarded? They're not doing the wrong thing. You know, they were like, man, she's fucking them.

And they're like, yeah, for sure. They go, yeah, you dummy. And of course they were right. But did you get the PlayStation though? So this comes back to our thing. So the break up, though, even like we were together for so many years, like on and off, like, you know, late teens to early 20s. And like, she's, you know, she's going through it too.

She wants to break up for sure. But like, it's also a new world to her in hindsight. I have all this reflection on it. But like, and then I'm like, why is she doing it? Because she would like say like, yeah, we're done or whatever. I'm with this guy. And then she would hit me up the next day and like, come over and fuck and be like, I made a mistake.

I'm going to be with you. Sure. And she did one of those. And it was awful. But the funny of that story is on Christmas Eve, daytime, she calls me with like, I made a terrible mistake. Like we should be together. And I was like, yeah, finally you figure that out. OK, great. I'm just so long.

I'm here waiting, like desperately and upset. And by the way, it's so funny. Months and months before that with Kevin Keith, even I was like, I got to break up with this girl. Like she's dumb as a doornail. Not probably going anywhere. Just I was like a big oaf and she was like a cute, good body chick. And, you know, I was just used to it.

And there was I was going to bring up with that. But as soon as it was like, she was like, yeah, I'm going to break up with you. I was like, no way. So I was every time she was like, can I come over? I'd be like, yes, get over here. Let's have sex and do all that stuff again. And so near Dora and here's Eva Christmas Eve. She calls me because I made a mistake.

Let's get back to I want to come over. I want to give you your presents and stuff and see you. And I was like, I was like, shit. I thought we were broken up. I didn't even wrap my brain around the idea that like getting my present. I was like, I was like, this is terrible. And I went and I go so funny. I mean, I had no money, but I spent 70 bucks at like in Deppford mall

on like a ring that was whatever plated something bottle of jupe. I put it in, you know, I ever wrapped and put it in a nice box. And like, you know, and I'm so like twisted up at whatever, you know, 20 years old, this is 19. And I'm almost like, I want to tell her, it's not necessarily like an engagement ring. But like, yeah, whatever. And I think she comes in. Empty handed, by the way.

I'm not even a controller. It would appear nothing in her hands. To the naked eye. To the naked eye. She goes, so I give her the press. She cries when I give her the present. And she's like, oh, my God, she puts it on. She's doing all that stuff.

We're kissing. We're hugging. And then we go in the other room and she goes, OK. She goes, are you ready for your present now? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I am. And I close. She goes, close your eyes. And I'm like, oh, I mean, I'm literally doing like that.

Yeah, Robin the Rock. I'm like, yo, I'm going to be playing PlayStation 2 in a couple of hours. You're cracking your knuckles. There's a lot of drama going on for sure. But this is going to lighten the load on all of you. You're setting up the back of the TV. Is it channel three or four?

Do you know? What's the preset? Brand new HDMI cable or whatever it is. No, that was the red, that was the red, yellow and white. Oh, yeah. RF cables. So, you know, I'm like, and she says, open your eyes. Like, I'm like, this bitch didn't leave the room.

Like, where could this, where's this PlayStation 2? And then she has these three kind of small boxes. So funny. I open one. It's an incense and an incense holder. I keep my, by the way, I love incense. I love second mood when I play PlayStation 2. I haven't smoked pot in my life even yet.

I don't even know what incense are possibly for. Do you know what I mean? It's always seemed to me like, you know, people like asking me to buy a purse outside of the Philadelphia Zoo had incense. I don't know. But I'm like, oh, OK, cool. And then she goes, open this. The other thing was, it was Dollar Stores version.

It says it on the, that's what it's called. Remember that would be like, it'll be a dollar general version of Tommy Sport. Oh, yeah. So she got me, she worked at a, she worked at a colonial thing. She got me Dollar Store one and then she goes, I was like, oh, well, thank you. And in my mind, I'm just like, I guess she didn't get, you know,

there was a lie anyway. He wasn't getting it. So I guess she didn't get it. He was getting it. She goes, you ready for your real present now? And I was like, oh yeah, she goes, close your eyes. And I'm like, here we go. She goes, open them.

And I'm definitely going like, she would have had to go to the car. You would have heard some rustling of a bag or something. She was like, OK, so I opened my eyes all the time. I was like, what's this next bullshit going to be? The worst thing I could have even thought of was she had, at least it looked like to me, a knot of cash. And she sliced off 320s and goes,

I wasn't able to get to the PlayStation. So make sure you get yourself a PlayStation 1 game. Get yourself a PlayStation 1 game. Like she's an uncle or something. Like an uncle? You're a good kid. Get over here. Keep your money.

Your girlfriend gave you cash. And then later that day, her mom and her called me like on, you know, her mom's on the line to be like, my mom's saying that I was at your house today because the guy she was fucking was like a family friend. And then parents hated me. So they were like, when you tell my mom that I wasn't in your house today, and I'm like, she was.

And we had sex. It's like, Cheryl, god damn it. And she was like, mom is for me. I got 60 smackers here. They got to chase back. We got to wrap it up, guys. She slits me off three 20s. Did you take them?

No. I should have. In hindsight, she was just taking them. Yeah, I was like, yeah, I'll take it, but like, get out. Fucking leave for every dumbass. Holy shit. Oh, man. Talk about it.

The answer is yes. Talk about beating the fucking game. Look at it. Holy shit. Buddy. I'll come back again. Yeah, we have. I mean, Jesus, because it's going to be a nine-parter.

Yeah, you guys need a third mic or something. I feel like this is. I think I'm home. Honey, dude, you only got to your 20 years old. And we jumped a lot of years in there, too. That was like the Jesus telling. I was going to ask you. What about 13 to 33s?

Oh, don't even get me started there. I was going to ask if you like Hawaiian pizza. A slice once in a while. Like a gentleman. Once in a while. But if you order it, if you get a whole Hawaiian pizza, there better be a plain or a pepperoni. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to come correct.

You don't offer someone solely pineapple pizza. I got two Hawaiians on the way. Fuck. Yeah, I got two Hawaiians. Yeah, if you open up money, he goes, that's Hawaiians. What's the one underneath? Another Hawaiian, he goes, are you pissed at everybody? That's a real decision.

You want the Eagles to lose, dude? What the fuck? It's like making a room smell like your farts. Oh, you guys don't think that's funny? No, it's funny to you. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, the special dog belly on his YouTube page right now.

Legendary. Legendary. Mr. Big J. Oh, thanks for coming, man. What else do you want the folks out there to know, other than especially, you got out? Me and Robert Kelly doing the bonfire now. Of course.

Congratulations. Fantastic. Saved my ass with a fucking legend. Thank God, Bobby Kelly's command has been a blast. We're doing that now. Four days a week. Faction Talk, series XM103. Of course, SDR show and Legion of Skanks.

Sure. On the gas digital network. I forgot about the SDR show. Yeah, of course. You guys are uncomfortable there a few times. Some naked girl doing something. Oh, man. Okay.

She was beautiful. Oh, man. Uh, gang, we're all over the road. Grab tickets, shows are selling out. We're adding some cities, but get them before they're gone. We love you. Gang, we love you to death, and we'll see you next week. Peace.