Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Big Jay Oakerson Returns!

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Big Jay Oakerson! You know Big Jay from Legion of Skanks, The Bonfire, The Joe Rogan Experience, Matt & Shanes Secret Podcast, YMH, and stand up comedy. Make sure to check out his new special "Dog Belly" OUT NOW. Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! NEW TOUR DATES: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Get 50% off your 1st box by going to https://factormeals.com/Garbage50 and use code GARBAGE50 Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

gang the last chance to see the RU garbage live show is upon us to mix a stand-up comedy plus you play the little a YG with the crowd yeah the last shows of the year are December 14th in Washington DC at the Howard theater get the homies get the buzzers let's see you there then we're doing two ones already sold out in Philadelphia to film or limited tickets left for the second show at the film where that will So let's get those tickets on party maybe scoop. Scoop them up, love yous. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Gobbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.

Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast. This is our you garbage. Oh, yeah, so I will show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're good to be classy. Yeah, or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tuddy's in the new edition.

The holiday spirit is in full swing. She's upstairs trimming the tree with the man scaped. You know the fuck I'm getting a tight for the mail man. Michael is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of our Ugarberts. He's an international business man. And he works in a while, while, Wes, give it up for KJ Kevin James.

Ryan. One up, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full full video available on YouTube as you know Those numbers are true to rock looking baby and obviously the greatest website of all time WWW that patreon.com slash are you garbage gang check it out. It's a frickin party over there. Yes, sir And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the old magic man works the ones and twos of threes and the fours

He crosses the T's and he dots the eyes give it up for T, Prateebone McScruffens, Toby McMullin, everybody. What up boys? What are you saying, pal? I'm trying to get into a mosquit. We got the best dude in the world in here, man. One of my favorite guys. All time guys. All time, dude, it makes you want to get rowdy and have a nice time.

Have to bring them back quick to run it back. I know, because I think we've prepared, I think we got the age seven before. And that took 90 minutes. So far, we have we have parents married young, quick divorce. We have a step wedding next store to where you live. Shout out to Susan. I have no promises. Baltimore vacations. You know, could I tell you? Susan's house also. She, uh, one time my mom was hanging out with Susan and up in her, she goes, go watch TV up in her bedroom and the movie, there's a Cinderella movie that was on Cinemax, that

was like a soft core. Okay, I'm listening. Yeah. But about a snapping, do you believe her? Okay. Snap and she had to find the one guy who like fit it. And I think it was one of my first. I don't think I finished.

I think I was too young, but definitely like rounded around a little bit up in that row. I'm hoping nobody was coming. I kicked the tires a little bit. Yeah, I was a little young for anything to come out, but I mean if we're counting ghost loads. G-L's. Gang, we're so excited to have our incredibly special guest

back with us again as we said. He has an amazing special dog belly that you got to check out creeping on two million views over there on YouTube he's the host Legion of Skanks the host the STR and the host to the bonfire and the only guest to ever use the word stulp engine give it up for the one the only big J. Olkerson everybody you know as funny as you described the show we bring in your favorite comics to find out if they were grown up to be classy or garbage. Is this the first time you're bringing me back just to find out? Yeah, we've confirmed. Yeah,

I'm garbage. Now we're just digging for more. This is more of a sentencing. I gotta tell you what and this is why it's such a great show. There's almost no decision I make in my life that I have to think about for two seconds, where I don't go, it goes, is this? Or evidence? I was in, I was in. I don't know how we're just in the back of your head. If you tell it.

I'll tell you what, I still usually go through with it. It's true, yeah. I don't know any different. I went to Philly, go back. Go back. Two weekends ago to do the casino out there. And on the way home, I stopped by a store to get my dog, a Joel MB jersey.

And seven, I mean, 17 lighters that all have like sixers on them are Eagles, because you can never get those up here at all. So I get it. I get my years worth I get a pink one for the lady It's a pink one the lady has I go you put this in your purse Anybody buying lighters and bolts that I nuts lady couldn't believe it because she has to scan She had to turn them all on their backs. I just like you know port about my shirt

She had to turn them all their backs and like go through and I'm like miss just count them and do one a bunch Bet you don't get this many rich guys Spenders come on just that replica hell I mean if I had a how that's the date. Thank God I have an apartment Feel if I had a house like the amount of unnecessary trashy memory not really like like the amount of unnecessary. Trashy memory. Not really like emotional to me memorabilia, but I'll have it up anyway. My mom, my parents don't know to give me for Christmas ever.

Mm-hmm. They never know, but they stuff they do get as great. I've gotten Carson Wentz picture book. Okay. I have hanging in my closet, because there's no more room on the walls. An autographed framed picture of Brandon Graham's second Tom Brady is super ball.

Yeah, but I mean, you have it up. It's supposed to be hanging up like in a sports member, Bioia store, no one ever buys it. The kid of the owner, that store gets that eventually full size cat out of Doug Peter. It's in a Jaguars jersey. Oh, if I had a house with like a marble entrance, it would be the rocky statue and the statue of Nick Folle's duck ears and giving the Philly Philly call. That would be in my foray, but before the grand staircase.

Are you respects? The Philly earrobes? There's something so funny about how Bill Burr yelling at a crowd lead in bronze There's something so funny about framing a defensive play like that's a sure This is your uncle going defense once championships The famous one my brother got it on a graph when we were kids is Chuck better neck taking out Gifford. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he like broke his back. Yeah, yeah, it was I When I went on Ron and Fizz, the old radio show,

Ron and Fizz the first time. I won some thing from their prize closet and it was a poster of that moment of Chuck bed, Eric, and I could get for it. Yeah, concrete Charlie, his hands were all broken. There's nuts, different breed back then. But yeah, that's when your white guys were gigantic white You know, no one even was even defensive to go that big pull-hux coming through the line Robin Toot me up no always always that is big cast on to yeah no definition at all Just fucking dad bod's but like enormous dad bod's a gar hanging out of the helmet

And fucking white guys built like tongue ins. So when we last left you, yeah, you were driving hookers. Yeah, which is where we were at. Yep. And slowly and slowly falling in love with the first girl. Because you wear your heart on your sleeve. You're a bit of an emotional man. Did I tell you though that when I drove her years later,

like two years later? I think you might have, yeah. Yeah, like the drugs got her. So she came out and she was like, I drove her another girl and she was like, the joke of the party. And I felt a weird ownership over her still. I'm not dead all.

I'm literally, they were like, they're like, yeah, why is that girl so pasty and her asshole so brown? I'm like, look, while you're not wrong, I know her potential. She can get it back, dude. You don't know her, like I know her. You should have saw her two weeks ago. That was just some hot Asian.

Did I tell you the stripper story when I drove? How long did you do this for? I don't know, like, year and a half, two years. Year and a half, two years. You weren't doing comedy yet. No, I was doing comedy, and that's what I was like an easy way to make. I was doing comedy in the weekend. You first start you doing like, right, right, days and Wednesdays and Thursdays,

you're open mic nights, different places. And so the weekend, I had nothing going if I wasn't going to like one of the nights, I would go to the Laugh House to watch like whoever the headline was. Sure. You can go for free at that point. Sit in the back. Yeah. And then, and one of the other days or two of the days I would, any days I was off I would take like this job driving. Escorts and strippers. Escorts is easier because they go and like the guys are getting what they want.

Generally, it doesn't always go great. But I've driven, I was so not prepared for the job. So the guy asked me if I had a gun I was so not prepared for the job so the guy asked me if I had a gun I was like no he's like do you want one I was like no I'll pull that out way early it's so scary when they start like turning on you what do you mean she doesn't fuck like okay your move is to put it to your own hand I'll do it I swear to God no I used to go in your floor I used to go we have your credit card we have your credit card we have have your credit card. We have credit card.

And maybe like, all right, man, but we really thought she was going to fuck it. Go. She's not. This one's actually putting herself through college. But the one time I drove, would end up being that they go, and they said, the guy was always, he never cared, like how dangerous the center goes me to set this liquor store Which I'll never find it And they a white van pulls up next to me my buddy Glenn Bro back up with you always well, I told him I always told him to I go buddy I'm not bringing you to like be a hero with me if this goes bad

Stand near the door and if it starts going hey, why anyway get help sure Yeah, like get out and get help. This is like everyone. You brought a runner on that and yeah, runner was the same size as me by the way. He's at the end of the block with an inhaler. Yeah. Jay.

Anybody got a buterol? It's going bad. What's going bad? I'm your advisor. Nebulizer sounds like I'm smart my parents are respiratory therapists. I grew up with a nebulizer So um, they mean is the thing a white van pulls up and out of it get guys who are They're a biker gang clearly. Mm-hmm. I the one guy standing like I just see as like dick and belt buckle in my window He's like follow us the belt box is warlocks.

Do you remember the war? The warlocks make South Jersey like Biker gangs. I only did the name because my ex girlfriend, my ex girlfriend, who was trash, uh, lived in a trailer. She, uh, like she would always say her uncle was in the warlocks and whatever. Yeah. But I didn't, I guess they were a real thing and they go follow us easily a half a mile between a half mile and a mile down a like dirt road to a cabin in the woods of somewhere in South Jersey. I would have turned around. You're crazy. It's not worth it. It's good. What are you making a shift? Oh, it was 50 bucks. 50 bucks. You're

wrong. And then, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh, and then, uh,, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, So that you would get paid they would pay you I got paid $50 for the drive. No, but I'm saying they're supposed to tip you out later But they would be like here's 10 bucks which I get it. They're fucking distributed in either money for drugs or their kids or whatever They had order The only two options the clients would give you the money not pay the girls. That's how we able to grow Yeah, yeah, that wall or it was on credit card or something already okay Whatever what they would tell me that and I go in go in there and either collect the rest of the money from the guy. Uh-huh. Try to give to him.

I'd get my 55 bucks, I think it was. Right. And then the girls would make whatever they make and then tip me. It was such a... If there's a world where you don't do comedy, what do you think you'd be doing? Oh, dude. I mean, I always say working at a station bed like to think I'd like to think I'd be like, I probably would

have done what my parents did. I really was so bad at school and didn't like it at all. But I probably would have taken me forever to get like a two year degree and just work odd job. I don't know. I was never.

I was never like where I was like, I'm putting effort into, you know, I mean, like, I'm going to do this thing and it's only for 25 bucks, but it's a two and a half hour drive, but I have to do this for this reason. Driving with some weird headliner or something. Yeah, so we, I drove down this dirt road to this cab

and we go in there. It's a bachelor party, I guess, but it's like all bikers. And when I go in the bedroom, one of the bedrooms, there's like guns on the bed like People put their jackets when they show up to a party check your weapons wild And then everyone's being nice to leather vest and shotguns everyone's being nice, though and then And then all of a sudden like a lady like the girls are in the bathroom

Changing into their stripper shit and a woman comes out of a bedroom, like a fat lady in a robe. And she's like, what? Like, there's, it's a party. And it's everything you think it's gonna be, like loud creed and splang. You're not up now, her hair didn't change. And they're loud.

A woman comes out like she's like, someone just tipped her into her creaky floor. She's like, what? What's going on out here? And there's one guy who looks like a Sam Elliott mask. He's like, get the fuck back in the room. You know, about, you know, he's yelling at her. She's arguing with him. And then she goes over to go to the bathroom and knocks on the door. And I'll tell you what, what the sense is that I

everything's tingling on me where I'm like, this is all so bad and scary and we're not prepared for this. They've got an R slow in the bed. We've got an R slow in the bed of which by the way, especially at that point, I mean, dude, you run a guy need a glint. I don't think Glenn felt it either. Glenn was a tough dude. He's to be I don't know if he felt the, I think he was kind of like, Oh, I'm coming along for the. This is cool. I was a tough dude. I don't know if he felt that I think he was kind of like, oh, I'm coming along for the. This is cool. I was already over the girls get naked. Not that you wouldn't peek the first time you drove him, but at this point, I was always new. I'm like, this is a scary shit for 50 bucks, man. Well, where are you paying, Glenn? I'd give him

like 20 bucks. Yeah, come hang man. And so you're 35 all said and done. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Plus then you got a fill up the car you got tips and shit. Yeah, it was not worth it money It's a passion project so So I drive these girls in the bathroom and the girl tries to go into the bathroom the row lady tries to go in the bathroom and You know, she's like who's in there? I have to get to the bathroom the row lady tries to go in the bathroom and uh you know she's like who's in there I have to get in the bathroom strippers on there they also don't feel the danger of this and they're like bitch we're in here fuck off we're trying to you fucking bitch like fuck you she's trying to kick the door in

Jesus and then uh the main guy the sam elia guy gets up and almost arm grabs her and like shoves her back into the bedroom. She was in. I get the fucking there. Then a skinny guy looks like George Thurough good, uh, comes out and tidy white easy like you been my lady or whatever. And then the same LA guy and him, I mean lock it up and go through the door of the bedroom and they're and you just hear fight happening. I'm looking at everybody else and they're like, they're brothers, man, just let him fucking sort it out. Then you hear the fight stop. And the, the guy in his underwear comes hauling ass out of that bedroom and runs through the screen of the deck, like, I mean, through the double door, like, bust through the screen and jumps over the deck, fraling and runs off in the woods. Sam L.A. comes out,

cocking a gun, goes on the deck and fires three into the night air. The brother never came back. I don't think he hit him, but like he just decided to stay and I'm just gonna hang in the woods in my tidy way. It's just dies down on me. He's also got no pants on him.

Never came back. The wife just stayed in the room the rest of the time. I guess the old lady in the rope and this guy's like all right. Let's get this party going. It's enough. He's slowly he's slowly reach over and push play on the boombox Everybody's free You guys feel good at the end of night. So it was a lucky fella So the girls come out and do their fucking double dildo fucking show no one says anything where the guys were actually Doring the whole show like peachy

They were very and I thought I was like a good thing. I'm like I'm like I just ended up being kind of turning around If you're not the guy's brother everything seems to be going pretty good and the robes starts making sandwiches and then the girls the girls the girls Go into the bathroom To change back into their clothes and I think these guys are all being like pretty nice nothing Yeah, you want a beer dude, you know, okay? I'm like it my friend glad again. I don't know if he hurt them joking I feel like it's the how nice they were you heard so but the panic that it turned in me he comes over He goes do I heard these guys talking outside? They're saying like, what are we going to do?

How are we going to fuck these bitches or something? And I went over to knock the door. I'm like, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, and then I mean, we, it looked so funny, like people escaping, people that aren't trying to stop you. So like, sorry guys, we got to go and the girls were like, we're not a church, I go, get in the fucking, get changed in the car.

We got to go, we got to end the night guys, like, all right, man, you guys take it off like, I'm like, we got to get out of here. I'm sorry, man, but, but, we got to hit a clock. We you guys take it off like I'm gonna get out of here I'm sorry man, but One part I forgot about that was when we got in there and I saw the The guns everything I call I go hey, can I use your phone the call my boss go them that we're here He was yet I call when I go hey man and he goes are they cool? He goes there a biker gang aren't they and I'm like, uh-huh And he's like, everything's all good, I go,

not really, man. And he goes, what are their guns and stuff? And I was like, yeah. He goes, well, I mean, they seem nice enough on the phone. Are they pointing them at you? And I was like, no, yeah, no. And he was like, yeah, you'll be fine, man. They already paid so good.

And he just hung up the phone. And it just put me through that whole thing. Kim, with that liquid IV shut out the liquid. I this oh Gang if you don't know now you know get on that liquid IV We're talking about hydration gang when you're after doing your Christmas shopping or when you're at the holiday part You're gonna run yourself down stay hydrate it with liquid IV and hydrate your quicker than water Mm-hmm It's now available in sugar free, which I just sent us, and I'm stuck in a backly cough medicine.

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50 to get 50% off, do it. So what was the first car car your first personal car? I think it was a biggie in our area Honda chord hatchback. Yeah, there you go That light bluish grayish holy shit everybody. Yeah, everybody had that was an automatic or stick. It was automatic Okay, I had a stick I learned on stick. Mm-hmm. So I know how to drive it, but like, yeah, that was not a matter. That thing was all right. And then it was all right. Any after market stuff in there, CD player speakers on that one, I think I just used the like the regular like the CD player over the cassette. Yeah. Yeah. I did that, I think, but then when I got after that I got stolen Kurt Metzger got that stolen for me. Outside the Laf house he parked it in a tow way zone. Then we found that it wasn't towed it was actually stolen. And then they

found it in Camden, New Jersey, ripped the shreds. Now the things that were in that car time were so funny my first ever headshots Which one was stabbed into the dashboard That's not a part they go do you want to see it? I was like no that sounds horrible I want to see it. Yeah, do you want to see it? I don't I mean imagine seeing a car There's like a box of 300 big J original headshots Oh, yeah, I said, you know, they were trash. I said, I said a fucking joke book. And then I see some like some crackhead junkie on B. T's comic, if you go, you'll be in a fat white guy crazy right?

Go. Killin' Kim murdering. Did you have any of like the classic horrible head? Like you have like caution tape over your mouth or like, you got a good one. I think with a sledgehammer. Yeah, that was, that was way too much later than that.

No, this was the headshots that were like the one They put on the t-shirt that's from the That they use for my special like where I like Elvis. It's pretty fucking funny. You can throw it up I know the one where you're where you're looking straight and you have like a soul patch. Yep. That's just the one There it is. Yeah, I got a bunch of baddies dude. Yeah, they asked me to do it. I just said yes to whatever they told me to pose like man Yeah That's why like candid shots now are much better sure. I'm the same way I can pose for any of the candid shot. That's a good one. Yeah my real estate pose. Yeah

But this I mean you got the leather you got the sig in the mouth Because you have to in back in the day headshots men something so you had to get your Personality yep through the headshot. It's caution tape would be great. I wish I would have had one of those. There it is with the sledgehammer. Sledgehammer. Yeah, Gagermeister shirt, sledgehammer over the neck.

Yeah, I was feeling good at that. Well, I just got off to over corn. That's a corn shirt. That's gonna say that Gagermeister shirt. You got for free for sure. Oh, yeah, I think it may have sent my name on it. Hunt. What was your first concert? What's the first that you got for free for sure. Oh, yeah, I think it may is in my name on it What was your first concert? What's the first concert you went to?

Ever was my mom took me to Westbury music not Westbury music fair Valley forge Okay, to see a shanana which I loved from the TV show did you tell us this before? Yeah, she went to fuck Chico Yeah, yeah Shana was a good show. Oh, yeah, bulb at the ball. Yeah, Bowser. Yeah. There's like a variety show. You know, now you can either hire Sean and I or Bowser Bowser. The two will not work together. Herd Holwoods are having a rift these days. Just gonna say I just watch that. I listen to it on stern this morning over like publishing ship. Yeah. When there's 75. They were a straining order and shit like that. I listened to it on the start of this morning over like publishing ship. Yeah. Now when there's 75, they're straining order and shit like that.

And dicey dicey. Guys can't stay for no one can stay friends forever, I guess. And what kind of car are you whipping in now? Grand Cherokee. There you go. I at least an entity on it. I did lease. You leased it.

I leased it. Only because I leased too. Yeah, yeah, I love a least like if I I don't need it in New York very much so I just for basically road gigs and like two mile drives Yeah, and you have it in a garage. Yeah garage in the building on the street Does it's the buildings garage basically there you go? Yeah, see it's what I'm talking about pretty classy You got a nice place now. You got a nice apartment. Yeah. What kind of air freshener you got in that Jeep? Oh, I, because I smoke, what I do is,

I don't like the air fresheners sitting there all the time. They die out of they never work anyway. What I've learned, what I used to use was, I fed up by accident in a hotel room and I had nothing else to spray. Foot spray. Will the charcoal in it?

We'll get rid of any smell. What a dirt bag. So forever. Oh yeah, for whatever, for whatever for the longest time in my cars, I would always have 10 act in foot spray, odor eaters or CVS is version of. If I'm in a pinch, you're going to get that to them because that markup is crazy for the name. Brace, you're not wrong.

It's the same stuff. But I'd spray out the car and then I started being like once we were parking in a garage, I started feeling like, what the fuck is this guy spraying foot spray? Now, it's a work's great. I'd love to say it's all bullshit. For Breeze air. For Breeze air. I smoke in my spare bedroom. You do. But at the window at the window, it's it's I'm on the like 27th floor. You're smoking in the apartment. If you don't know about big J he likes a heater indoors wherever he is. No, no, no, I don't

I'll find a lot of side if it's like not terribly cold outside. It's freezing and the block I live on is the windiest block in New York City. So like going outside every time for a cigarette is a lot. So I'll go in my guest room and open the window and like smoke out the window. It's got to see you have stuff there. I'm going to say something. I've asked this because I don't want that to be the case for breeze air, dude. Right away. No, man. It's a smoke throw the butt out, which is important. I don't keep the launch. You've launched the you've launched the the body. The gods are lit. Yeah. 26 floors. That thing's not making it fire all the way down. There's no chance. If that hits someone on the ground, he would have burned a big couple. It could blow back and go in somebody's house.

If somebody's apartment. Well, that's what they were saying. How could I plan for that? Well, by the way, on the cruise, I did that, by the way. A couple of times, I flipped it off the boat. You see it go way out. I had mine go up. Yeah, it would come way out.

And then I'm back. It was pretty fun. I do. I flipped one. And I saw it go up three stories. I was banning. I was scared. I thought they would come and get you.

They would somehow know. Nah, you're ripping heaters in there. Someone goes to the trajectory. You go. That was cabin 706. That's a postcard pull. So I pulled over. Those are smelling your balcony.

You're ripping heaters in the apartment. Man, rare. It's rare. Yeah. All right. What do you have to haveers in the apartment man. Rare. But it's rare. Yeah, yeah. All right. What do you have to have on in the morning? You have one in the first thing up? I'll try what I try to do is rip that quick shit in the morning.

But sometimes I go out that window and take a few puffs to get the ball rolling. But then I go outside and I make my phone calls and smoke. Sure. I chain a few. Make my phone calls. I chain about three on my daily phone calls. And then I go upstairs and then try not to until I go to work again.

Jesus. Huh. Are you showering at night? Are you showering in the morning? I showering. You like to stay clean. You're a clean man. I'm a clean man, but I try to get all my poops out.

Okay. And then go. So I go, we go to bonfire generally four o'clock. We have to head there. Okay. Basically, whatever I have to leave to go do a thing, I try to shower an hour, hour and a half before that. Is everything still kind of geared towards the night? Like, what are you doing? Like nine. What time you waking up? Yeah. Give me a time. You got nothing. You got a 10 o'clock. Okay. Yeah, it's not bad I think I sometimes earlier if I pop up but like you know our skitters are all fucking whacked out from flying and shit to sure So I slept two hours tonight before yesterday, you know

So you got to make that up somewhere. Yeah, today. I woke up at like 11 something. Oh, so get up at 11 You're in the apartment. It's a weekday. Do you want a breakfast? Sometimes if Christine my chick goes and gets breakfast stuff. Really guy though. My chick. Real warlock vibes. You know, Christine my chick. Yeah, goes I said that diggy brought out for breakfast. She brings back. Yeah, show me something for breakfast once in a while. Okay. Are you guys going to the grocery store on a regular basis? Or is most of your meals when you're here still take out or they was take out for a very long time,

neither was cook a lot and when we, it's just like the timing wise is so much, but she works a ton too, you know? Right. So like we ordered out a lot. Now we're doing the factor meals. Shout out to factor. Shout out to them. We're a factor factor.

Oh yeah. I've, dude, I, I found them maybe two or three years ago. I started them. People they were even sponsored. I started, yeah, I started like maybe six months ago. How many are you taking down? How many have you taken down? Oh, we do. We do dinner. No, I'm saying it. Can you, can you eat two? Boat multiple in a sitting.

Oh, I could do that, but I think I'm trying, I'm doing that. I'm doing the factor meal solely for the gotcha like it's contained in that little. Sure. Yeah. They are good at shit, though. They are good. The problem with any kind of thing like that. And it said, we're, the response of us to, they're fucking delicious for what they are. So I'm saying they're really good. However, though, it is just a time where you're like, man, I'm really hungry. I don't know if I want a bunless beef strogan off burger with, you know, kale, shit or whatever. It's just like, uh, Toby cut this. There's a group of people over there. In fact, I've genuinely, what I'm blown away in two minute microwave and how delicious it all is. It's all high quality. I'm just saying it's like

the choices made, even though you make the choice. Yeah. I'm certain that I'm having a hard time, like, you don't have to really talk to myself. I'm feeling Chinese food tonight, but I guess I'm gonna have asparagus risotto with beef tritip cubes or something like that. But when you eat it, it's always. But as a bigger guy, all of us, you'd like to, it's kind of the allure of like,

will I do Chinese, will I do pizza, will I get a sandwich? The fact that you're constrained to what, that's what healthy people do. They go, oh, what's in the fridge? All right, I'll have that. We're like, oh my God. I'll do a chicken, I'll do two chicken,

poor man. I don't even like, I get like shitty about leftovers of food I was amped up to order the night before. He's like, oh, what a Chinese food. Then we have Chinese food for tomorrow too. And the next night, you're like, I don't want Chinese food again. So much more out there. Yeah, it was Chinese food.

Because I had Chinese food last night. I want a burger. Are you not that big of a leftovers guy? But I like the kinds of kinds of leftovers. That's what it is. Well, you take leftovers from a restaurant. At Italian restaurant, probably only. Oh really?

Okay. I think only, yeah. Yeah, I don't think I'd bring home from like a Mediterranean place. Mexican food travels shitty. Yeah, it does. It gets all dude, it gets all mixed together. It's over.

It's just, I've, I think I've had Mexican food. Outside of Taco Bell, who's really figured it out. I can't, I mean, yeah, okay. Dude, I was, I lost 30 pounds eating factor meals. Yeah. And the amount of times that I put the factor meal unopened back into the fridge to order Taco Bell. I mean, I bet.

Just the sluddiest feeling. Yeah. It's so good. I know, but it's such a, it's so funny. Look at the thing. It's like, you picked this. When I picked it, I was like, Pablo B. Yeah.

The homely for that. Sure. But if your mind is like, chicken fingers, it was like, Pablo B. Yeah, the honestly for that. But if your mind is like, chicken fingers, Pablo B. If you saw a commercial or somebody was talking about something that day and it gets into the brain, you're fucked. Well, it's almost all over.

Well, also, the best me, I want the Pablo B. The best version of me, I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna have a 500 calorie meal. That's perfect. I'm gonna make it in two minutes. It's already at the house. It was way, but me if I do a day of whatever, and it's like, oh, I need, I need positive feel better. Yeah, but I also have like the,

I can reward myself for the most minimal amount of work. Like if you fuck like earlier in the evening, you know, I'm gonna be like, I'm that fuck, that was like, and I really gave a lot. Like I can have Wendy's now. Like I'm not saying it's gonna be a net positive, but it's like it's totally each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be like I never ate Wendy's because I fucked for the better part of 15 to 20 minutes. What is the, what's the silverware situation at the house? You guys got a full set?

Yeah, but I'll tell you what, when I was growing up, my entire life, when I moved out with my, I was living with my ex-wife forever, and now with Christine forever, at some point every couple of years we buy a set of like, what, nice, we're like, oh, these are nice ones. Let's get these ones. I think it's because we eat so much takeout and shit,

you just zing those things out. Yeah, yeah. And you don't even realize, like, they just disappear. You're like, why do I only have two forks? Oh, they must be in the dishwasher. And you're like, there's only two forks in there. We have so many forks.

Like where are they? They throw them out with like, for sure, like, tin foil wrappers of, that is funny. It's also some of the mentality. If someone just took a factor meal and somebody goes, dude, I'm ordering from my favorite place tonight for us. They don't even and they just delivered it in like a 10 you'd crash like I think I would just be like, yo, can I order from this place again? Yeah. It's some of the factor, man. You know, you're in your mind. You're like, I know you're making a healthy healthy choice So and healthy's not fun. Yeah, but I had a long day and I deserve to feel it's the worst

I never understood that like Say what someone doesn't like porn you're like what? What someone doesn't have that when like Josh Edomire is great guys with great shape, right? We're just in silver if we go to like wall-wad together or something like that And we're driving back from Philly. All they're thinking about is they're like, they start opening it in the car and they're like, I can't, what do you mean you don't want to eat it in the car? I'm like, why do you want to eat it in the car?

They want to eat it right then in the car. I'm like, don't you want to ceremoniously put it on a plate and pick exactly what you want to watch from Wawa? Just whatever it is, I just want to ceremoniously, do you know what I mean? I'm different. You want the fact that the meals, you want the multiple dopamine hits.

With factor meals, I almost get annoyed that my girl puts out placemats and we get the fork set. I'm like, this feels like I should just be eating it over the sink and then throw it out, like throw the tin out and the thing. She plates them and stuff and you're like, what are you doing?

That's classy. No, I know, but I'm eating these classes. That's what I did. and then throw it out, like throw the tin out and the thing. She plates them and stuff and you're like, what are you doing? That's classy. No, I know, but I'm eating these classes. That's what they did. I was a European vacation member, like slap it from my throat. Put a flag in it. But they, uh, no it is, but there's something about, like I get it's not making the choice.

Kippy, like aura frames? Every lady in my family's get one for Christmas this year. They need a nice holiday idea. Get yourself an aura frame, send it to grandma. All right, you got the pictures right there. You can upload them. She's seeing fresh pictures with the kids doing, how he's doing in baseball,

Bobby's playing gymnastics, doing whatever. It's fantastic. Yeah, they were nice enough to send them to us. I got one at the house. So I got to end it up getting them for my mom, for her house there. Everybody throws a picture of the kid. He's us. I got one at the house. So I got to end it up getting them for my mom, for her house there. Everybody throws a picture of the kiddies up. I'm getting one for her.

Sure has down a wall. What band? That double up. It's such a good game. Everybody else. Back to mother's day two. Yeah, don't dumb double dipping. And if that's not personal enough for you,

you can even upload a video message to play on the frame as soon as they plug it in. So the first thing they hear is your voice, baby. We're bringing families together over here. That's your aura. Lissers can save on the frame as soon as they plug it in. So the first thing they hear is your voice, baby, we're bringing families together over here. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting or frames.com slash garbage. That's or a you are a frames.com slash garbage. Use promo code garbage to get $30 off their best selling

frames, terms and conditions apply. Say you're, you're at make, you know, you're leaving night of shows, you're headed home, you stop know you're leaving night of shows Your Headed home you stop it like a McDonald's or a Burger King or a Wendy's are you're taking that home? Into the house a hundred percent of the time. Yeah, and are you plating that or you're eating out of the bag? Oh, yeah, I'll eat on the no on my tummy while watching it on the road talking about even though it in your apartment here We don't really do it like that. Yes. we, what we eat on the couch always couch your wife TV.

Go. Is there a dining room table or a kitchen table at the apartment? No, there's no space for there's no place where it would be. Okay, there's a kitchen counter that's got like stools, but like, you're not so in that place. That's a guy who sits at his own bar and eats is a psychopath. Yeah. So we put out we put like the placements on the ottoman and, uh, just eat on psychopath. Yeah. So we put out we put like the placemats on the ottoman and just eat on that. Okay. Basically, will you plate the McDonald's? No, you'll go right

out of the bag out of the wrapper. Christina bring plates for McDonald's, which is kind of funny. I really am like, what do we do? What do we do? Stop it? Because she likes to mix her stuff on the plate. So she makes, she's a big, we're a big sauce household. Okay. And she's a big sauce concoction. So it's like she has her, mix in a mayo that ketchup.

She has her half hot mustard sauce, half ketchup for fries and nuggets. She's got her whatever, yeah, ketchup over here to dip the burger in maybe or so. It's, she's the two, but I'll just eat those right now. I'm like, no, no, God made these perfect. We don't need to fucking dress it up with a bunch of schmutz. Do you eat in the car at all?

If it was because I gotta say that is I've done with Kippy. That is a little I'm supposed to put like if you go to Wawa and you're driving back to New York, Guam, yeah, I'm driving also. So I really can't. I'll eat it in the parking lot. I'll I'll go up front. I will get my sandwich. I will move so I don't get judged by the other people and go park along like the side or something. I guess if I was eating for sustenance,

it just wouldn't be that thing. Like if I eat in the car, it's like we got gas and I read it and grabbed like fruit nut mix or something. You know what I mean? Or worse than combos. Yeah, I was gonna say. I mean, do we form here, Jay? I grabbed the fruit nut mix. Fruit nut worse than combos. Yeah, I was gonna say. Let me do a four-way here, Jay. I grabbed the fruit, not big.

Fruit, not big. Oh, Christine, I grabbed fruit on it. I'm grabbing it. You got a song. Not Joe Cheese, pretzel combos. And if you eat cracker combos, you're a psycho. Yeah, fuck it. Get out of here with this.

Why do they make, do you know some places? Have you ever been to a place? That only has the cracker combo? No, I mean, only the cracker. I'm a pretzel combo man. The pretzel. The original, the here is the original pretzel like dog treat The popperoni Look at pigs in a blanket

You're the red that they look so bad is that garbage my favorite or dervival time pigs in a blanket It's the only one I can't miss love them. I love them. It is trashy though. I feel like they, you know, I was at a nice wedding not too long ago and they had the, like dude, I couldn't identify and or pronounce what all the other ones were, but they had the pigs in the blanket. I think is like a kitschy. Yeah. Like, oh, we're, you know, we're trashy. We're slumming it and I dude, I was clocking them out of the fucking door.

You had them as an entree. I like it. It was someone tries to fancy up a basic thing Thus the stand the first location of the stand used to have corn dog popsicles. They called it But it's just many corn dog on a long piece of wood You know long stick it's all it was but 13 dollars you get six of them or whatever Flash-fried corn dogs all right all right Go this settle down Corn dogs all right all right We all got corn dogs on the brain. I know there's something in here forgot ahead of fucking an ankle. I've got an ankle gun

This guy's got a sexy girl a little nickel-plated sissy pistol down there. You guys let you pad to be the help Go ahead hit the door comes out of your wrist You got it cleanly over at house. You guys clean and ask yourselves We clean ourselves off but we do have cleanly come and probably like once every three or four weeks nice Swiffer yep Roomba No room but I the place is just like New York apartment. So it's just too small Like you can make sense like for me it takes to vacuum my whole apartment

I have to do a lot because we have a dog You're doing this to you'll vacuum Yeah, I really I cleans I like it clean I probably have even a higher standard of clean than Christine does say interesting, but He's got blue hair. When I am doing the things that I require, that she probably just wouldn't do it all, when I'm doing them, I really always have, some part of me is always feeling like, you should be doing this.

I take care of you very well and why am I vacuuming? But I want to done it right. I want to done it all. There enough. So I'll I want to done it right. I want to done off there enough. So I'll jump in and do it though. But I mean, yeah, she makes the bed every day. And that's a whole, we have a special vacuum. The vacuum is dog hair off the blanket.

Yeah, which is like it's a, it's an ordeal. King size mattress. California king. California king. Okay. Temperedic. Tempered. And it bends up.

All right. Wait, really? Yeah. Do you have a TV in there? 70 inch I in the bedroom Sleep at an AMC. Oh my living room I got like a crazy and my living room I got a 90 something inch I My step that's that's that's new money 70 inch Past down from my step-pop my some of my pop, his sign of like, we're doing all right. Yeah. Was like our TV got bigger.

Mm-hmm. And then when they would get like a bigger or better TV, when I moved especially, you'd get theirs. And they had one of the last times a Mitsubishi. I mean, would speaker on the bottom. Yeah. Box big screen. Those things were huge.

And when I, my first or my second apartment, I guess New York, even the monster flat screens. Yeah, yeah. That, but it's they had the, they were, they were, they were, they were on the floor because underneath two feet deep. Yeah, the bottoms of speaker, yeah. Wade roughly two to three tons. Yeah.

Yes. And I got a truck to go pick it up for my parents. Mike Vecchio came with me. And Mike Vekion, he'll never forget the story either. It was like, okay, how are we gonna get this up? It was one, two, three. Jesus. Three flights of stairs, maybe four.

What's the, anything was the width of the landings and stairs. And Vekion somehow drew the straw for bottom anchor. And I was pulling. And when my fingers came off this thing, dude, I mean, it was like, he should have like a Stallone pal. I mean, he almost died. He almost died three times at night trying to get that thing up to stand up.

We finally got it up there. And you know, it's like one of those things like it's outdated in a year. I don't even remember how we we may have just left it when we moved and been like, no, no, actually we did. We we We moved it to our next place after that. That's crazy. That's our big bottom base screen TV. But so I said that the technology changes a lot, but my stepop was me. So when we got like a place with a wall that can fit, I'm like, I'll sacrifice something to have a TV that fits this wall. 96, that's what you're bumping out. Yeah, I think so.

95, 96, 70 inch in there. And then both bedrooms, 70 inch. That's the size of the bed. That's great. I mean, yeah, that's not. And we use, so you'll sit, you'll lay, is it at the foot of the bed. Yeah, so you'll put the thing up Like you're in a shays lounge zero G Me the dog and Christine just sitting there watching

HBO Max original documentaries. Well, you were you eating there? We eating the bedroom now no eating in the bedroom now when we were Once in a while we'll call it a picnic and doing the bedroom But as I get older how much I love But as I get older, how much I love diet? I don't know how much I love. How much I love and I know it's not a good way and I probably hurt for it later. But in a hotel room late night eating on my tummy over my pillows while I'm watching my computer is the best for me. You like that?

That's crazy. I love it. But everyone's like, I can't eat eat them. I mean the more people tell me they couldn't possibly eat on their stomach I start paying attention to the reasons why and I'm like, you're probably right It's probably a weird path to the food to travel. Yeah, I imagine you're kicking your feet like you're talking to boys Sometimes he's got the cord. I do when we do Legion of Skanks zoom if I'm on the road. Yeah, I do it. I do it We've done one way. Yeah, you see it. I do it. We've done one Yeah, you see my little tutsies like you It's like a mermaid back there Tell me time

That's crazy, huh? What about in the shower you using I want to take one I use and barred soap. He's in gel. Can I take a guess? Gel Lufa guy. So, CVS Lufa. First things first. I got a, it's a Lufa glove. Wow. Okay, so it doesn't, because the Lufa,

I feel like they come apart immediately. They do. They're like scrunchies. Yeah, they're sort of like. That's when you know to get rid of it. But I feel like that happens like in two or three uses. I scrub Doing the pots and pans with them. So I got this glove

Big on exfoliation, but so got great skin. Are you big on the glove? You talking about the two gloves now I was just one you know the ones I'm talking about the thinner. It's fingerless Oh, yes, I've done those before too. It's just glove. They're like little winter gloves. Yeah, but they exfoliate the shit at it Those are good. I like those, but now this is just like a one looks like an oven made almost. Okay, but it's it's rough First basements gloves. Yeah, do you travel with this? I don't know about it. I don't know about it. I don't travel with the gloves. I'm talking to Christine with it over your I'll tell you the past. Pass me my cigarettes.

I'll tell you the two versions of what I do, depending where I'm at. When I'm home, my shower thing is water pick, teeth, getting the shower. Okay. So shampoo hair, condition hair, don't rinse it out. Leave the conditioner in. Leave the conditioner in. Then I brush my teeth in the shower, which we talked about before.

I never had this big thing. I was just teeth in the shower. Then I finished that, then I mouthwash, put the mouthwash in the shower. In the shower. You have the bottle in there. Yeah. Whoa, I've never heard of that.

Is it a serene? Oh yeah. What color? Purple. Pregnant for... Oh man, I can't get rid of this. Oh yeah, what color? Peg different Or the all white all white bottle Shit remember that one it kept like fucking It's called sepasol But I pegged you for a scope man now

Listerine this is a man's man's man and then I'm get back to your for a scope man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no So I use that scrub the shed on my inner thighs under gut arm pits arms ass ass crack ass hole feet Then I put that down face grab the dove uncented bar of soap okay, and then do the whole body with the soap Okay, all the skin with the soap Then put that down put on a Okay, all the skin with the soap. Then put that down, put on a face, serivet face, like not scrub, but like, you know, not like a, it's just face wash.

We're still in the shower. Still in the shower. We're at, we're in the shower still. Face wash. I think there was a slice of pizza somewhere in it. I do the face wash. Man, is your husband open? Yeah.

Have a, have a factor, Neil. Sit down, have a factor. It's a cut to slice the sausage and something. To potato wedges. Then I rinse everything off. Then I take the shower head off and turn it on the jammer. And I try to relax my asshole and accept some in there. Okay, so I could really clean out my shit or good.

I hit all the crevices with that, the power wash it out, turn that back off and then I get out of the shower. Then the lotions. Jesus Christ. To act in foot spray. Is this even in the summer you're lotioning a lot of stuff? You're moisturizing of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the lot of the When I went on those tours and I was taking showers and like and I realized that we do this a lot in Hotels also I got that I didn't know what the foot not as a as a fact guy. I've had Thigh rub issues before where you're like that's the chafing. Yeah, this wasn't that

It was whatever it was I had like a thing it was killing me on my inner thigh and then I looked at it and had like a circle around it almost Which wasn't like the rubbing or whatever. I'm like what the fuck and then I went at it and had like a circle around it almost, which wasn't like the rubbing or whatever. I'm like, what the fuck? And then I went to a doctor and they were like, ringworm. Yeah, which is essentially putting your underwear on before like drag your underwear. You drag your underwear across your feet and then you're pulling basically athletes foot into your crotch. So that's that I was like, oh, never again. So, tenacton,

socks for socks first, socks first, naked then sock like your naked socks go first things. So because you can't move around to tenacton on your feet. Otherwise it's going to wipe off. I understand, but not even just that.

I just do the socks first. Also, so when I put my underwear on, I'm not dragging like anything for my feet up. And now where are you doing this this you get out of the bathroom Are you not putting your socks on in the shower? You put on your socks on in the bathroom. No, no, I get out of the shower. How many towels you use to act in lotion just one? It's a sheet Man like a large one and makes me feel teensy. He's a monster on stage, but a lady in the bathroom

How much it overlaps when I close it makes you feel nice when you go to fucking hotels and I like a Gay bath house owner Welcome everyone. Sorry. You're part of my balls hanging out. Are you going above the boobs when you're when you wrap yourself up in it? Are you go under gut to save as my jeans? It's like you've seen you but then you can like suck in and be like you my waist actually isn't all that you make it feel skinny Yeah, you start looking at me like this and stuff. Yeah, I stay sideways. Yeah, this is how I still look so I'm always sucking um And then I'll yeah lotion

Any kind of uh ointments Or whatever's sometimes I'll throw it if I take a peek at it, I'll throw on the recta care on my asshole. So I don't, it's, Are you living at CVS? Do you, is this a daily routine? No, I had a hemorrhoid once. Someone said recta care was the way to play it, cleared it up in a day.

And I was like, so now sometimes it's like the tonight and I'll just pop it off and be like, That's crazy. Assholes a little bit tender today. Might as well throw a little recta care on there. Just in case. You're the only guy I know that's had one element once and just go every day is like, I'm stupid. Yeah, a little recticare on there. Just been case. You're the only guy that's had one element once, and just go every day is like, I'm stupid.

Yeah, there's something to that. Yeah. That's paranoia. Yeah, I want to get the things again. So this is a daily routine. Yeah, all those creams and salves. Salves. Ah.

Like creams and salves hour. Okay. And then I put on a socks underwear, tank top pants, shirt, shoes. You're doing a tank top every day? Do it, yeah. Wife-beater like tank top. Wife-beater. No matter what you wear.

You're doing a black wife-beater every day. Oh, it's, yeah. You are a dirt bag. Yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm like a super hero.

I wear my fuck outfit under my clothes at all times. When you take my shirt off and then put a tank top on, I'm like a super hero. I wear my fuck outfit under my clothes at all times. When you take my shirt off and then put a tank top on, after I'm looking at ass, it's it's the whole purpose of the tank top. Is that also preventative maintenance? So if you do end in a frisky situation, you're completely covered. Let me tell you something frisky. What if we're in, I just watched Stallone's Day like yesterday. What if we're underground and surrounded by fire and a tunnel and it's hot and everyone's taking their shirt off because it's so hot? Well, I gotta be able to take my shirt off too and not

be fully embarrassed. I mean, dude, so tank top. Because I still even feel I go, I think we're gonna die out of here, guys. That guy's got a lot of stretch marks. I think we're not gonna die, guys. Man, are those tits are fucking pecs. Guys, I can't breathe. Wow. Daily tank top in case it pops off. Is anything pop off? Yeah, no anything post-apocalyptic shit a fuck sash Could be a loose stripper like in terrorists. It could be a time where I just have to do this Well, wait search Street It's got a little itch on my tum tum there goes what up?

You guys think you're for dinner huh? Jesus. Oh man. You're nuts. I think some fucking and taking off my sweatshirt just are fuck and the tank tops coming up with it is the worst. You need to talk your top into the pants. Oh yeah, but I also know the underwear. No.

But I tried it. You're having it up in the Hey, when we get late if you was I don't know with this guy's guys all over the road Taking the shirt off if you know the tech tops not tucked into the thing and like having to do this move like the Yeah, I get jammed up when you try a hoodie on and like a macy's or something dude. You're fucking So like try it on right here. She's a shurriote. No, I need a changing room. Can you unlock four please? Thank you.

I just have one item. So everything is, everything is in preparation. Yeah, hairs last. Okay. I did not know this about you. It's not, that is a huge routine, man. And some would say it's classy. Your reasons in paranoia are not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's all rooted in trash shit. What do you put in the hair? That's gotta be, you have a nice set of hair, you take care of your hair, it's gotta be a good product. If you're doing all that other nice product. And hold on, are you washing and conditioning your hair every time you get in the shower?

Now, yeah, with a... Should stop that. Short hair, it's not good for you. It's shower. Now I am with a should stop that short hair. It's not good for you. For short hair, I don't think it matters very much. I can't watch my hair every day. Yeah. You got to treat it right for one month.

Look what happened. Well, how often you do it? I watch my hair maybe once a month. No. Yeah. It's thin though. It does, but it does. It gives it like that kind of shine. It makes it lay nice. Yeah, he's not wrong

But also the thing is what are you putting products in your hair every day? Yeah, you just rinse it every day I rinse it. Yeah, but you don't wash it. No, yeah, I get it wet I would say pull off a couple days a week and see what happens. I might give it a shot I'll tell you what catch ringworm on his hand You got good hair for I'm gonna give it a shot and I'll tell you cuz what I ringworm on his hand. God damn it. Don't listen to fully. You got good hair for I'm going to give it a shot and I'll tell you because what I don't like is if I don't put stuff in my hair, I have like just like not frizzy, but just like just off. No, I'm saying use the product.

Use the product. You might use rinse it out. Yeah, you might want to you might want to pull back from the shampoo, especially in the wind. I don't know if your scalp gets dry. It also depends on whether your hair is oily. No, I you know, it's funny. I hadandruff once in my life when I was a kid. Yeah, he's. And one, I just, you know, I didn't know how to extend it was, but I used to, because that was again,

this is the hair product of like I did spike tear when I was younger with the tail. And uh, dip in the due was what I was told to get, which is just alcohol. Yeah, and when that dries, if you touch your hair, it's instant danger. So I had, I didn't realize how bad. And then one day doing homework over a composition book, I remember like I did the, the, the alley sheety from the breakfast club with a mechanical pencil, like the, with no, like lead in it. I started going, I mean, I basically deflaked my hair, which was crazy.

And then got self some blue and put that on my hair. And I mean, screamed for that stuff, burned. So I just attacked my head with a point. You know, I mean, it hurts, but I never had danger of forgetting after that. So I always started to use better products. You use it three times a day every day. My product answer, the question before is, right now, it'll change time and time if I find one that's good, but crew, crew fiber. Fiber is good, fiber is my base layer. Jesus.

And then there's like, I forget the name of the other one if I saw it, I would just spray. I have another crew forming cream, the green one, the green layer. It's not a form of cream, but it's a different kind of cream. It's, it actually might be forming cream and it's like a grayish. Okay, but it's the stronger hold, but what What I do what I try to get is like the I don't like when it like when you touch it It's like spikes in it hard like I like to be able to even though it's like done to still give to it

Yeah, so I put those can I touch it? Curious oh that's nice Soft and then way softer than you anticipated. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like grab it all. Yeah, it's look sharp. Okay. Man. But I'm gonna try this less washing. I would do once a week when I had long hair.

Okay. I had washed once a week, but you're right. The fourth day of like not washing it though, you're like, it's the best day it looks. Yeah, it is. But something about me knew I'm like, it's greasy though. Yeah, but like it's the best day it looks yeah it is but something about me new I'm like it's greasy though yeah but like it does shine yeah it's good like the natural oils can in it do you put the conditioner on your beard do you do anything to that I beard shampoo conditioner in my but that was given us I would have never bought that that was given me as a cow often that in their routine look

every other day when I'm home any blow blow drying? No, not anymore. But when again, on the road, my big thing is this is nuts. We've started out 40 minutes in the bathroom. No, crazy. No. That's crazy. That's crazy. You're fucking sweet. And then on the road, I bring a bar of soap. So I have my dove. You do. You bring a bar of soap. Is it a fresh bar or is it in a thing? I always have a fresh bar in my bag full size, full size, waiting in or the dollar one, but it's but the good soap though, good stuff.

But I keep one in my suitcase like full ready. And then I have the case that's the wearing down one from the road. Those things are so trashy. The soap container. They really are garbage, but it does feel, even though it's like a buck thing for a bar or so. I'm doing it. I'm feeling it.

It's something so weird about, like, because I could just leave it there, which I'd done before, but I'm like, it's just weird to keep ordering it and packing it to, like, leave it. I've been, if you were bringing a clean bar or soap with you every time, you would be a serial killer. And I was doing that and I was like it's kind of stupid so I don't do that. Yeah, I bring a I always have a fresh full unopened wipes in my bag. Bot wipes. Yeah, okay. I will also bring like I will work that one down until it's gone and then I'll open up the new one

on the road. So I always have like one plus you always have a geez So when they have the body wash shampoo and conditioner in the shower like in the in the little Think you'll never use that I use the shampoo conditioner and will for sure. Yeah, in fact, it's a It's but so yeah, it's shampoo conditioner and then what I have started using now because I'm like I never loop on the road I'd like to loop now. I'm like, I never loofal on the road. I'd like to loof now, I'm not bringing a loofah. But it's where I've now learned the beauty of, thank you black people, the washcloth. You're gonna exfoliate with them.

So I do a washcloth with every their body wash they have on the thing is. So you will use that. I will use it, but here's the thing, I don't really go, I go arm pits, arms, ass hole, dick pits, and feet. That's really it, and then everything else they just do with the bars. I don't know anybody that washes their feet.

I've never heard of the term dick pits. Yeah, the pits. You know what I mean? Oh, it's perfect. It's clear. Is the deal, Deodorant, is that going anywhere other than the armpits? We use a little under the little under the belly ever do that. Oh, it's not a bad idea, but I do

under the belly. Not that, but I'll tell you what to do instead of that if I may. Please. I don't want to step out of bounds. No, but uh, there's a cleanest guy in here. Consider getting yourself some the girlfriends into this now too. She does it for thighs and like under-tits shit. Loomy. No, um, arm and hammer. Baking. No, gold bond spray. Okay.

Gold bond spray and that does work. My problem with the gold bond spray is the aerosol runs out quicker than the product in it. I had that last summer. Well, I was using it under the hood. So when I turn it upside down, the medicine wouldn't come out. It would just be the air, so.

That's when you have to trust a woman to spray it from behind while you get on all fours. There's some sort of police system. You know, hit the carriage for me real quick. There she is. You're a good kid. Make it out of here. Make it out of you. Get out of here.

Huh. What kind of deodorant? The degree like promises, no white marks. Sure. So it's anti-perspirant and deodorant. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. It's got. I also, but I get a 24 hour protection. I get Botox, my a bowtux. 24 hour protection. I get bowtux, my armpits. Whoa. For the sweating. Rules. Really?

Yeah. And so funny, I don't have like, I'm at a huge sweater. I really am not like, I don't sweat it. Like, you know, like, Lewis like sweats so much. Uh huh. I don't very much, but then I would just get times like, on my armpits, like I would hate,

like I wouldn't want to wear like the shirt I was going to wear on a show on a drive, even if it was an hour. Sure. Cause I'm like just sitting in the car. I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm, I'm shfitsin now. I'm telling you, if the Botox, it takes, what's that set you back? Two minutes. Insurance will do it.

What? Yeah, nothing. It's getting cosmetic armpits. It's surgery. But it makes you stop. Well, you just do it. Hyperhydris, which I don't think I have. But like, if you, if they say you have hyperhydrosis, they'll do it. It takes three minutes and it lasts like a year.

Doctors play a little more ball now than they used to. They really do. They'd play. They, they, they, they always really say, I'll make sure I type this up so it works for the insurance company. I, you're not wrong. I believe my doctor, if like, he's also a fan and great too, but I think if I was like, I'd love to try some opiates.

If you like, all right. Back certain. Man, I mean, I'm more confused. I'm sorry. That's a clean guy. You said using the water pick. Yeah, no flossing Flossing the road and opening the water pit lost on the road and the flossing is a daily thing Yeah, the sticks are the actual floss you brushing your tongue. I don't think I could do the sticks anymore because I got the veneers

So the way to say you brushing your tongue No, yes, I do brush my tongue, but I was told the other day You have to get a tongue scraper. Yeah, that's a pretty good part of the thing It was Ralph from a guest did your real gross when you said it's a scut. You have to really raise it off like after you do it It's like a retainer. It smells so bad. Yeah, it's not good. But your tongue feels great. It does yeah It's also so I think it's like supposedly very healthy. But your tongue feels great. It does, right? Yeah. It's also, I think it's like supposedly very healthy for like your gut.

And it's like very, like for the rest of your body, I think there's benefits for it. I got a tongue scrape now. Add that in. Jonathan, definitely. He's got, he's never going to get out of this. Tongue scraping to come. Yeah, I really, I really, that is the annoying thing between the time, I said, taking his shit, it's my real like, let's see what's going on in the world.

What am I going to talk about on broadcast today? Time? So I really make a meal out of that. I try to get out now when my legs go numb. I mean, you're not stupid. Because I heard that's really bad for you. It's not good. I used to just let it go.

When my legs go numb, I would just shift cheeks and just let that go. I've never had, I'm in and out to a speed where it's like, it alarms Toby. Toby's like, I've never seen anything like that You do move quick in there. That's my moment. They're trying to get you. That's my moment. Are you a squatty party guy? No Yeah me neither I'm I tried an explosive diarrhea Soda swears by that thing. I don't they're good for you. I know

But I didn't seem to make any difference for me other than just feels weird the way I'm sitting Is it was a two tall because you know there's there's levels. They're shorter ones and taller. Yeah, I got it. My we didn't realize it when we ordered it and we ordered one. That was like fucking four inches. Yeah, I feel like I was in the Apollo space capsule. Like I'll be here.

Really the baby floating in space. You know, I'm fucking utero. Taking your shoes off on a plane. Exclusively when it's the lay down ones. With all that skim it. And I overthink also one thing I forgot in my routine also is arm and ham are now also has a sneaker refresher spray. So every time I before I put on and take off my sneakers,

I'll spray that in sneakers. Very, metaculated. And the thinking of that is also because, like I said, it's fear as a, it fat my whole life. So I've never wanted to be. The smelly guy. I've met a lot of fat people who like, even like comics through the years,

I've met where I'm like, I feel terrible. Cause like, I mean, this person has so much in common, it seemed to me like, why are you letting yourself be like the smelly, fucking guy? I'm like, you gotta choose one or the other man. You could be a gross fucking bony thing guy and chicks won't give a shit sometimes. You need every, you need to win every battle you can. That's why I said, I don't know, like, have you, are you guys big on like, like, I was always impressed with sodas, a person who could do this and

Several other Josh had a Myers does all time people who are relatively confident in like their thing in their own skin Just rip and ask in front of chips. Oh never never I would I'd be so mortified I'm like, oh, and it stinks of course because you're fat and it's something gross down there Yeah, yeah, yeah, I. I'm so worried about shit. I had a buddy in college in shape, good looking dude. And I wasn't even that big. You know, I would go through phases like I'd be skinny in the spring. I'd be heavier in the winter.

But I was a fat guy. I was a chubby guy. This kid was fucking shredded, blonde, gorgeous, and he loved it. He would be at a party and just fucking rip one and then fucking laugh about it. And I had to pull him inside. I'm like, dude, they think I'm doing it. He would be at a party and just, oh, fucking rip one. And then fucking laugh about it. And I had to pull him aside. I'm like, dude, they think I'm doing it.

You got to not get sure. That's your anxiety. No, they, you know what I'm talking about. No, exactly. If somebody fucks in my assumption, unless the person takes the full, like, I look at me credit for it, it's a little bit of insecurity.

Looks, I'm going like, sure. They probably assume, 100%. So whenever, like, so I try to never put myself in a position Where if someone goes like oh what the fuck is that I just if I'm even saying it out loud I go it is probably not me How bad against we can cleave a no-hi-ho Something I don't look to be cleaning the room or something afterwards or maybe it was a trash, but something smelled like shit.

And I know that I had a little bit of bubble guts, so I was like, I think I'm gonna get back to the room and I'm gonna shit. I didn't fart or anything, but I just kept smelling and I was talking the, I was with me and I'm talking to him, but I'm like, do you smell, he's like, I do smell, I go, buddy, I don't, hang on,

and I went into the bathroom. By the the only bathrooms in the hilarities are public Yeah, so when you go in there three people go dude no fucking way Myself I go hey, what's up guys and I went in the fucking all they saw with me go in the bed in a stall Undo my belt Put a piece of toilet paper down and swipe it down my ass crack. I've done that. Nothing there.

Mm-hmm. And then so they heard me go in there for a second, they heard like, and then two seconds later, me walking out, being like, what's up guys? Thank you, man. Thanks for coming out and then just walking right back out of the bathroom. I clearly didn't piss or shit. It was, they went there and do coke. It was so bizarre, but I went to take a swipe of my ass to make sure before I go meet people after the show. You didn't. I don't have shit

much. Well, that's so anytime as a no fucking way. That's the best. I don't know. I was like, no, fuck away. I go, hey guys, I'm sorry. I got to be live. I'm a shit myself and not knowing it. Wait, that was your genuine concern that you would shit yourself and didn't realize it? I have that a lot. Because I was just like, I couldn't even guess where it would have happened. But I was just like, that smell was strong

and I was like, and I equate. And you start doing that. The smallest thing I go, I have like bubblegum. I did fart. Maybe I just like let it out and I'm not knowing somehow. I am getting older. And you start doing that math of like,

well, I was in. I had a lot of weight on my plate math of like a lot of sirens. I have a lot of weight on my plate. I was in the elevator by myself. I didn't smell it then. So by assumption, it's not me, I didn't smell it in the Uber. I like you start doing that math. And then coming back in the room, whenever you guys, it's not when I went and wiped my crack like that.

And I came back in the room. Now I'm top investigator on what it is. But no, he took your pencil. Let's go through and see what it is. Cause it ain't me and now I'm gonna shame whoever it is Yeah, that was the fat man's to never another fat kid would have something fat happen to him It's devastating other fat ol fat crime dude. There was no solidarity in that other fact It's never went leave me alone man. It's fucking embarrassing You don't need of you. Ah you asshole. You can't your fat feet can't walk in front of each other down steps or masters of fact at the bottom bleeding

Ah, you dumb fat shit. I'm not as fat as this guy right girls. I start fake fat. There's one kid that came to our school Jesus. I don't remember even if he was that I don't think he was fatter than me But I was like I just made a beli. I'm like that kid so fat like I went up I poked the stomach with a pin. He didn't feel it which wouldn't even be the K your nerves are still there it's not your skin between you and any pain in your stomach I don't know you're like new kid on the block I gotta get out in front of this I get it start he got a controller there the one can I ever try the boi dude and I'm fucking like teeing off on my face

because I the we were fighting outside of the library By our school. That's where everybody kind of went into fight and then It's I was picking on him. I was like trying to get him to like fuck cuz I was like all the cool kids were like A little behind me go like yeah, dude You know you fucking with this guy and that kid came and He threw his fucking hat up in the air. He just had enough of me like doing I was I was doing it He was not accepting so I'm like ooh like a lean into it like he doesn't want to fight. I don't really want to fight I just want these kids to think I'm cool

And they turned around and you sung this hat up in the air hot and like a dummy. I went And he hit me It wasn't too bad and then I just had him in like, you know, what we all did in school the most. No real move next move, headlock. Yeah, the fact I had locked. Oh, are you done? Are you done?

Nobody gives up. You good? We done. And I don't want to hear about this ever again. And I got him in the fact I had not doing doing any damage just holding and then the security guard comes out And he goes hey, I already called the cops So you guys better get the fuck out of here and I was like ooh my mom's not gonna My mom didn't play with that so I was like I we're done here

I just let him go and start walking with my friends and he jumped on my back Thank God on the, you know, fillies like, it's a curb, grass sidewall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were on that grasting. Thank God, because he just like the crying kid in a Christmas story, he's just whaling and grabbed my hair and like banging my face.

Thank God, the grass, you know what I mean? And it's just me for, but I can only assume was 40 seconds going okay I'm done went home embarrassed You don't talk to my thought Didn't get trouble for that because the cops didn't call and then I do remember like the The less I've never done that again like bullied somebody At least you know through school or stuff. Or watch somebody's hat go in the air. Graduation, you're just fucking.

I know what I see. Don't follow that. Don't trick them up. Jerk is old this time. So that's crazy. But I mean, the way I was all I can go to school. I remember going to school the next day though. And me and that kid really came friends or anything.

We were fine. But like I remember more like, I just went right back into whatever my resting place was in school. But those kids even asked me like, do those fucked up, he jumped on your back. You're gonna fuck him up now. You get it? I was like, no, it's done, man.

Like, I don't know if you heard. I'm over it. I went up to that kid and I was like, and I was dumb. I don't know if I have any issue with you and the fucking, let's just please, like let's just let drop that. It wasn't even like I was afraid of getting beat up't know if I have any issue with you and fucking, let's just please, let's just let drop that. It wasn't even like I was afraid of getting beat up again.

He turned around and he jumps on you. It was just, yeah, it was just, absolutely. Even Stevens, let's just behind your ears. Hey, close one. Oh, no, we gotta wrap it up. That an hour? I mean, yeah, it's well over an hour. I was hoping to get to Big J part three. They do it yet again. We've gotten well over an hour. I was hope taking note big J part three.

They do it. Yeah, we've gotten to like four week. I love it here. I literally come here every month once a month to do this. Well, let's do it. We didn't even get out of the bathroom. But a lot of that was told me all make it here. A lot of that was very classy. Anybody with me. This was the class. I'm pretty sure he's taking his finger in his ass all it for being on his. We I do think we're my eyes.

But to clean it. Sure. And then I also have one of those four way nail things to make sure there's no dukey on my nails. Oh, the brushes. Yeah. Okay. You're using that in the shower with the brushes.

Yeah. It's like a file and then smooth and buff. Are you filing your nails? Yeah, well, you know, it's funny That's got to give him some points right now. I'll tell you why Not to well, I'll tell you about the trash. I forever Forever bit my nails off. I mean down to they were not they were crazy looking I mean, down to they were not they were crazy looking. Yeah, a lot of them go grow right now. You give you that vibe because I bit them off. Essentially they were they were it was crazy and talk about high strong. Yeah, I mean, which is I just really think you

shit himself. All and then I got the veneers. You can't buy your nails. So this is the first time I live in my 40s. Is that off? It's just you should. They're so hard nails that you're not supposed to do. Pressure on them like that.

It's probably the reason I got many years because my front to teeth kind of like crossed over a little bit and I feel like that was because it almost like the perfect pocket. How I'd buy my nails. Gotcha. So like I can't do anymore. So now for the first time I have nails

and I have scratched inside of pussies. I've done all that. So I really, I'm like, oh, I have to really take care of these. Like I've got to be safe. I get it also because I bought them. I mean, I bought them. I bit them so much. It does change that so my nails, if they get a little long,

where yours might just look like a long nail. Mine starts coming up almost. They're just like not the right shape. Jesus. So I trim them not the right shape. Jesus. So I trim and I file buff smooth. Shine. What are you doing? What are you doing to toenails?

You just got them. Just got them with a couple of nails. How the hell do you have time to do nine podcasts? It's crazy. I just got to fuck up. Six hours, how much am I getting ready for podcasts? And do podcasts. That's my schedule.

You're literally getting ready for a wedding guys wanna play sports. So. So. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Big J. Oaker sir. Till next time, baby. A true one and only. Ah, yes.

I do wanna share on the cruise. You were the last show of the cruise of the last night. And we hadn't watched, we hadn't watched any comedy on the crews. And we were like, Jay's fucking closing, Jay's the last show, we went and watched. I was like, let's go watch five minutes,

you know what I mean, you don't really watch comedians that much. Dude, we sat there and watched you four an hour. It was, oh yeah, I am. It made me, it was like one of the moments I was like, I was pretty fucked up. I'm not gonna watch it. I was like, this is pure happy.

I was watching, he was dying, we were dying. I was like this is pure happy. I was watching he was dying Man, we're killing killing Guys, man, it was so fucking it like reinvigorated me Watching comedy it was fucking fantastic. It was rolling the room and just fucking sitting back and just fucking murder I mean pull in lines out to the point where like do we relate on each other? So funny. I mean, I love it. It was crazy, so cool to say one of the absolute best checkout dog belly. If you haven't checked it over there on the YouTube page, listen, a legion of skanks, listen to the SDR show and volume two. Of course, the bonfire.

All right, you're coming back. tapes. And volume three. Our first double CD. It's your big J-Ocker set everybody. Give you what he got for him. Guys, we're still all over the road closing up the tour. We have DC coming up. Get those tickets at the highway theater.

I had that other angle. This guy came in, trapped to the gills. Couple of shooters on it. Oh God, we're, uh, we have DC coming up to second show with the Fillmore and Philly's almost sold out if it's not already get them tickets. Uh, we fucking love you guys. See you next week, gang. Boom!