Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Breaking & Entering! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: July 2, 2026

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: GLD: New customers get 40% Off with code GARBAGE at https://GLD.com Chubbies: Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code garbage at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, Tootie's got a limited Fourth of July drop coming at you. Mm-hmm. We got some nice t-shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic. Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at RUGarbage.com while supplies last. Happy Fourth of July. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is RU Garbage. Hey, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out to group to be classy. Yeah. Or to just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, A Trouble.

coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Toadie's in a new edition. She's upstairs making sweet, sweet love to the mailman. Okay. A classic. My ghost is coming here from across the table. So we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies just the way we like it.

He is my best pal in the whole wide world. You know him. You love him. He's the king of the burbs, the king of the boards, the king of the one-liners. Hey, yeah. Hennie Ryan. What up, gang. Shout out to you.

As always, please make sure you rate and view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing to frigging charts. How you done? Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www.p. com slash all you garbage. You go over there. You get all that friggin bonus content.

You got years upon years of stuff on there. Pay five bucks. You get the $10. Listen, you go over there. You get a $10 level. You got a YG the high school years over there. We were younger, young kids. I got a big full fucking qualtette of hair in Miss Bliss's class.

Miss Bliss, that was her name? Who? No, that's from Save By the Bell. Oh. You weren't a stay by the bell, kid, where are you? No. Actually, a little bit. Okay.

I was about a teenager when I'd start it. Yeah, that would have been, you know, right in your wheelhouse. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think it might even been like. I thought it was cheesy. I had to fuck those two up. Mm-hmm. Took all that abroad.

Yeah, that's what you would have done. I think it was like 80. Mario Lopez? Yeah, what the fuck you're talking about? You'd fuck you up. Dude, I don't think there was a day in the, in the, in the history where you could have beat him up. Well, what the blonde had a kid? I could have took him.

Zach Morris, the coolest kid's school? Yeah, I would want to. You're nuts. He could freeze time. Yeah. No way you're getting invited to the Toga party after that. That's right. He could freeze time, couldn't he?

That's pretty good. Mm-hmm. You don't think I'd be hanging out with them? I beat up screech. He beats my ass. No. I always liked that Mario Lopez. Of course.

Straight shooter. Yeah. Been working all time, too. Fucking 40 year career. So on that Access Hollywood, whatever it's called? Working to carpet. Yeah. Anchoring.

News magazines, they call it. Uh-huh. Broadcasting. You've just been saying one work. Anchoring, hosted. Red carpet. News broadcast. He was a wrestler on that show, wasn't he?

Yeah. He was also a pretty good chef. Learn that in home economics. He was a dancer. He played the drums. California wrestling, though? Give me a break. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You're the only guy jealous of a fictional wrestler from fucking 1980. Get that tight little buddy. 1989. A fictional 15-year-old. Yeah, dude, you're crazy. Oh, yeah, California wrestle now.

That's not even real wrestling. I am crazy. Yeah. Dude, my cousin. My cousin is. Why don't you guys just put me in a homer? We've discussed it. And we'll just, we'll make, well, I'll have to get two rooms, a room you live in,

and then a room that will build the set in to make it look like this. And we'll take it. No, forget it. It's like a beautiful. It's like a beautiful mind. You'll be sending letters to yourself and shit. You're real, right? What?

I don't know sometimes. I'm also, I'm also dabbling with the fact that, uh... Excuse me. The fact that what? It's could all, like, just lose grip of reality. Maybe this is all fake. I don't know. It's a simulation.

My cousin texted him, and I forgot about it, but he's like, dude, I was running and I had to stop. I was dying laughing at fully making fun of people wearing their high school jersey, all while his is on display right behind him. Old number 62. 62, and you think you'd take A.C. Slater. You're nuts. He did it all. What? He was a running back, right?

I think so. His dad was in a military, moved around a lot. Tough up, bringing guy probably slapped him around the last. You know what I mean? A problem with the drink, I think. He wasn't lifting those weights for fun. He was fighting the fucking demons. He was quarterback.

Yeah, Zach didn't play. To me and him would have been boys. I would have been his center. Second string. Practice squad. He's leader. It's up, Moli. Fuck.

Yeah. I don't know where you would have fit in there. You didn't really have a, you didn't really have a home in a, you know. and Bayside High. You don't think? Not really. I'd have been the fun big guy. Hey!

You would have been a sad B plot of like you going home and like having a really sad family life. Hey, man, you don't know. You're the guy that we learn what a struggle really is. Holy's little sister hits him. You don't know what somebody else is, you know, what's he? You don't know what he says. His home life's like. Or you'd be the guy selling fucking Jesse the methamphetamines.

I'm so excited. Getting all fucked up. You'd be the guy. from the wrong side of the tracks, dude. Is that who they had? Boosting cars. Where did she get that shit from? They were prescribed.

They were like over the count. Like there were like caffeine pills or something. She got all. She was studying. She was burning a candle both ends. That was a big one for drugs for people our age. I'm so excited. Also too like.

Next thing you know, it's butt to butt. What? For working for a dream? Which I just watched. You never saw that? No. Oh my. Dude, that's a movie you only see once.

Oh. I'll never go back. Too dark. I watched that like 9 a.m. Too dark. It's crazy. What are you guys doing? That's pitch black.

I'm going to be on television. Yeah, I remember doing that like hungover one day. If you go to, it was like in college when you're like finding yourself a little bit. You got to watch it. Like, you know, you little art house kind of thing. I'll stick to the rookie. Thanks a lot. Had to watch Major Pain six times to get over that.

That's a goddamn classic. I got a little something I want to. wanted to start off with. Obviously, we're in the fucking dog days of summer in here in New York City. Hot. Sure. Dog days. Hot.

Schwitzy. I like it's a summer in the city. Now, this is a little, I got a picture. There's a little bit of a, not a great picture. I was drunk. I was coming home. I was drunk. This is late at night.

And this is more of like, I don't know what this is. You're coming home late at night. Later at night. Got your heels in your hands. Mm-hmm. My scar is running from. Yeah. Whatever.

Gagging. That was a joke I was going to make. I, uh, yeah. And then I get to my neighbor, I get to my door, and my neighbor's door is propped open all night long with, that's how they sleep in there with a wedge. They wet, like they have a door stop. So the door's open like four inches maybe. What? And at first I, so this is, so I, I, I, I, I, I.

I left the house. Who are these people? I don't know. Psychopaths, obviously. This is my take. They don't have air conditioning. I don't know. I'm assuming they might not have air conditioning units.

So this is how they get their cross breeze. Like they open the windows and the door. I don't know. That's insane. I mean, we live in like a safe enough building. I'm not a doorman or nothing. But that, dude, I left the house at like 9 o'clock and they had it. I went, oh, they're either.

I was like, maybe they painted or. I don't know. This is like, this is what they're just doing. It's open at all times. I mean, you need someone on shift. I've never, dude, I don't know what it would take for me to. Just someone, the fact of someone that could just walk in there. I could walk in there.

And stand over you while you're sleeping. I didn't even think of that. I thought about robbing. And not even rob you. That's crazy. I'm more scared of that. Oh, yeah. Someone just standing over watching me sleep and then leave.

That's what I, that's what I was. That's what a real psycho does. That's what I learned cat burglars do. They come in and watch you sleep, which freet me out at a young age. What? Buddy, take the stereo or something. They don't do that. Take the place dish.

I don't need you fucking watch. They don't stand to watch you sleep. Some people do. No. Not a cat. Catburger is just a regular guy trying to make ends meet. I don't know what the name is, but there are people fucking breaking in to watch you. Cat burglar sneaks into the window.

Get that. He steals some jewels, some baseball. ball card stuff like that then he goes back he's a guy with a good heart he's got a kid that's you know got a broken leg the white buses balls and he's trying to make ends meet what's the broken leg you have anything to do

he's got to pay for a medical bills pay for the case yeah he's a regular guy doesn't mean to do it Spider-Man still beats his ass but you know Foley is actually more accurate in that they don't watch you sleep but no for sure I didn't well I didn't think they were going to put some I that's what I

was told a Capberger was or that was my understanding. I did not believe it because they're not burglarizing anything. They told you to get your fat ass to go to bed. Well, that's not going to help. What are you talking about? I haven't slept in fucking 28 years, motherfucker. You're drinking coffee. Yeah. What is the definition of a cat burglar?

A thief who breaks into buildings using stealth, agility, and climbing skills. That's like the cat. That's the cat version of it. To avoid ground level security. Ground level. Um, yeah. Anyhill. Psychopants.

That's crazy to me. I mean, you got to think. So that's my volume. Vojors. Oh. Watch you have sex with your wife. You stand there and they leave. It sounds like you're about to confess to a lot of stuff.

No. He's just a guy down on his luck. Breaks into your house. I'm not a watcher. Okay. Okay. I don't know what you want from that. You wanted me to pry more into that?

No, I didn't. I'm not a watcher. Any more follow-up questions? What floor is that? But my thing is, so anybody in my building, Forget about people who can get in, like, that break in or not break in, but whatever. A delivery driver. Uber Eats guy.

There's got to be, I mean, there's got to be one, two, three, four, five. There's 50 units in my, in my one building. That building's connected to the building next to probably 70 units. I mean, that fucking 500 people live in this building. That's crazy. Easy. That all have access to that door. Yeah.

Isn't that nuts? Mm-hmm. Uh-uh. Just come down. Some freak that lives in the building. Mm-mm. A guy on five, guy from 2B. You never seen him?

I don't think so. Is it a guy, girl? I don't know. They had... It's got to be more than one person, because if you're doing that one person, you're a psychopath. They moved out before I moved. If you're abroad doing that, you're a...

Jesus. They moved out. They moved out right after we moved. in. They moved out. The people that were there moved out two to three months after we moved in. So I never really...

I'd say about you. I don't know. New York real estate's a bitch. I don't know what to tell you. They, uh, yeah. So I don't, I've never really met. I don't know who's who. How many units are on that floor?

Nine? In my old building, this Asian family lived up by the elevator and they would do that shit. But they would usually do it when they were cooking. and they had the door cracked. But I come home fucking at night, one o'clock in the morning. Still cracked or no?

And that fucking door's still cracked. If they're all, if I got to walk down the hallway with my back to it. I'd be turning around. Yeah. Yeah. I fucking. Because there's no click of the thing to sneak out and slites my throat.

Leave me laying there. Mm-hmm. Is that what you're worried about? A little bit? Okay. Yeah, that makes sense too. I never thought about they could be fucking waiting to get me. Yeah.

I don't know That's all a setup It gives me the hebi-jeebies You're standing there unlocking your door all of a sudden That door just opens and it's someone's deep in there I got one too many fucking Spritzers in me You know what I mean I'm not paying a tax

You got a tray of Zodia yeah I got a big plate of fucking Zaga About he'd jump into this vodka Sicilian slice Which just plays next to me is doing It's kick your dick in good Vaca Sicilian It's too much for me

Also that was one of the times I found That was one of the first words. Andrew Balucci does that. Vaca is a thing. All right, pig. Who's Andrew Balucci? Pizza guy? Queens.

Okay. Rest in peace. I was one of the first things that I didn't realize I pronounced trashy until early on in vodka. Vaca. Someone's like if you spell it V-A-H-K-A. Vaca. That's what Denzel says it in flight. Vaca?

Yeah. Two vodka sodas. I'll do two vodka sodas. Captain and Casey. It's funny of they only found two bottles. because I drank three. Hey, divo fucker. All he had to do was shut the fuck up.

That's gross. That's gross. Fuck growth. I think that. I got enough of that fucking. Okay, guy who wants to fight ACs later. What the fuck you're talking about growth? I get enough of that of therapy.

Fucking growth. Tell me I'm doing good. I'll fucking show you. Wait, what? I'll blow this whole thing up. All that being said, we got a gosh darn family episode. on our hands, gang. As you know, when you join the old Patreon,

we will answer your garbage question on the air. Yes, sir. And I gotta be honest with the fucking boys over there on Patreon come up with some hum dingers. Get some writers over there. They get the show just as much as we do. They, they, the Patreon helps evolve the show. The homies, they fucking, and the bozos, obviously.

But like, they really just friggin' get it. Where you go, I would have never fucking thought of this. The boys are cooking. Let's see here. This one's from Foley Sox. $10 homie never had one read. You's ever been jammed up for snacks late night and ate someone's packed lunch. Oh, dude.

Yes, I have. As a fat child, my mom knew to gatekeep the lunch snacks for me and a high cabinet. Man, that's like putting stuff in a bear bag for a fat kid. That's fucking tough. Late night, when the pantry got dry, I would just eat my sister's lunch from the fridge. several times she got to school with just a yogurt cup. I also love how he leaves the yogurt cup. I ain't touching that shit.

I don't need no probiotics. Poor girl. Uh-huh. That's, dude. But also, imagine, as you know. That's not a good feeling. Can I tell you that? What?

When you're eating that, you don't really enjoy it. It's more shame-driven. But there is, for me. It's scratching it. It's a P v. When you get okay with the shame and you just go, oh, I'm fucking. There is a, there is a, there's a, there's a, there's a, a, a, A shot of endorphins do go through where you're like, I'm, even if it's for a, uh, uh,

happiness is just a moment. It is, there you go, I'm crushing this fucking, this peanut butter sandwich right now. I ain't know. I give it that. I'll deal with tomorrow. I'll deal with that when it comes to my door to shit. He must have talked. I did it like once or twice, but it was my own lunch.

Oh, whatever. I mean, that's like, fuck. Well, you're not getting another sandwich. That's like, paying it in the middle of the night. I'd pack you too Is that your dad? Man I don't know what phase of therapy you're in

But you're currently going through some mother stuff I think that's pretty I think that's pretty Patty can you hear me Patty do you love me Now Back to your room You fat bastard

Get upstairs Yeah well I never We never I never was like a big packed lunge Gah Also I had four free rain. Denise was...

Just a couple of heaters and a coffee and went on about your day. Bearclaw. Figures something out of the bear claw. I had free... Denise was so tired from working. I pictured you eating a sandwich the way like De Niro and Copeland did a sandwich. Like a little shitty fucking ham and cheese. I gave you a chance to be a cop and you blew it.

They got a cup of tea. Yeah, no, I didn't... I had free reign, obviously. Why I became such a fat. Well, dude, there's somebody. Bring a whole chicken to school. Somebody sent me a picture of myself that I'm like, I was like, oh, that'll be good to show on air. And I'm, I'm like, dude, it's too embarrassing.

Why? What are you doing? What are you doing? I was just at my buddy's house. And it was like, not a poll. It was a picture. And I was just such a fat. like Taylor, like, I look at it and it makes me sad.

And I'm like, I'm not ready to get made fun of it at this stage. Bring it in. I could use this. I could use it when easy. Like a lead horse. Yeah, it was just like, I literally like just pictured. Because I remember the moment it was taken. And I was just like, I can't.

It was just like, I closed that box. It was like, we'll put that under the bed. We'll fucking address that when I got some, when I got some time on my hands. That's going to need a little fucking emotional CPUs, you know, and I need to clear up some disc space for that. Kirby, let's talk about GLD, baby. GLD. Fellas summers here, festival season, beat trips, pool parties, weddings.

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That's code garbage at chubby shorts.com. I just used it last week. Support the show and tell them that we sent you. Don't blend in with the crowd. Stand out with Chubby. Whoa. Yeah. But that being said, I had free reign of the...

I'm like I never, yeah, I never had to eat someone else's lunch. We were never a big lunch in the, in the, I think maybe my mom would do it in the morning. I don't know. I never remember the stuff being packed in there. Olive sandwiches. Let's see. Matchbook from the club left. She was at the night before.

What was the name of the place? Would she go out when she was, you? young before she met Joe? Yeah, that's how she met Joe. She was stepping out. I'm not stepping out. I mean, that's what you said, guy. She'd go out and do happy hour and stuff.

Yeah, that's how she met Joe. She was dating. I don't know, I mean. How did you feel about that? What do you mean? How did I feel about my, I don't know. She'd be all, she'd come home, she'd get all dolled up, put the perfume on, the pumps, all that stuff. It was never in front of us.

You would see her leave. No, I'd be it. She would do it when I'd be at my dad. Oh, yeah, the kids are going this weekend. Well, I mean, she can't be like, hey, the kids are going on fucking Thursday. It's Tuesday. I'm going to go get, I'm going to leave them home alone and go get fucking shit house at Vaders. Is there what she went, Vader?

I don't know. That was a place. See if you can find Vaders in Southampton. She's getting fucked up at Obi-Wat. Come on down to Yoda's. I think it was called Vader. And I remember we, I stopped. I don't know.

Vader's Bar and Grill, baby. Ooh, Aadling Vader's. It's not still open. No, it's closed. Yeah. Um, it was like a, I remember they didn't open till late, which I never got. I remember being like, what is who you guys fucking? Vader's Bar and Grill.

Oh, they are. That's the girls. There's the girls. Ladies. Hello. Woo! Oh, damn, they got a 2.8, dude. Man.

Yeah, Second Street Pike in Southington. Wow, a couple of 35, 40-year-old ladies getting back out there. Let's go, girls. I don't know. I remember. Denise, the pickings are pretty slim. But you can round somebody up. They're back.

They left and came. Vader's is back and this time they have up their game in a very big way. After opening and closing the second generation who reopened Vaders as a dark and gloomy night. That's what I kind of remember, the dark and gloomy nightlife type atmosphere. I don't even know if that's where she went. I remember stopping there with my stepdad one time. They drag her out of there? I'm at home watching your fucking fat-ass kid

And this is what you're doing He ate everybody's lunch by the way I'm gonna need a new bologna sandwich We gotta stop and shop right I get a half a pound of turkey This kid goes through cheese like a chipmunk He ate half a pound of cheddar already today Mom I don't feel good

I didn't but I had to sound like that I had to sound like that. You know what I mean? You sounded like that what I made. Because you had the nasal, you had the chubby cheek. And what are you? What? Huh?

I project. Like an artist. God damn dramatic actor. Goddamn something. I'll tell you that much. A few things I can't say publicly. You're saying that you want publicly. Oh, man.

Yeah, I... Let's go down to Vaders. No, I don't. There was another one. It's going to come to me. I should... She's away. I'd call her right now.

There was a couple where I remember being like... There was one... She'd go to Michael. We'd go down to Michaels every now and out on Street Road, the Rinkle Ranch. Yeah, there's one that was in Southampton that'll pop in my head. I just can't think of it. Because that's where he's... The Kitty Cat Club?

He was down there. He was in more, and her friend lived in Southampton. Uh-huh. And she'd go out. Oh, I'm going out. Where's North Hampton? I'm from, yeah, it's like, they're right next to each other. They're all within like, it was like seven minutes away.

North Hamptons in Bucks County? No, there's like a North Hampton. High school. Yeah, that's like Bethlehem. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Redding or Bethlehem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's North Hampton. North Hampton Township. I used to work in North Hampton Country Club. How do you do? But it's fired. For eating all the hot dog. But yeah, I'm going to have to think of the name.

But yeah, she'd go out. Oh, we're going out. I'm going out. We're going out. Patty Kligate? Cindy. Yeah, Patty and Ollie. Now, her...

They weren't friends then? They grew up Patty. Patty and Ollie? Who? She grew up Patty. That's how she knows her. So she would step out with Patty. They wouldn't drag Ollie around, would they?

Oh, I don't know. Girls ain't out. Ollie's getting drug around? I think she got close again with Pat. Because she was close with, I believe, Patty and Ollie with my dad. And then I think like, yeah. Then once she got with Joe, they all started spending time to get together as couples. Yeah.

There's some pictures where, hey, she was smoker more blood. She would pop away. I mean, drink her a little whatever. Zambuca Zambuca? Zambuca? She fucking Jelly from Analyza?

She's got a pinky ring on. All right. Let's all know. Enough about my wonderful mother. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, right. Respect. Like popping a blue chew over there.

Come see me at Vaders. I just remember I didn't understand it being the night. I remember, I'm like, it's a nightclub beer. Yeah. I'm like, why aren't you open for today? Sell some lunch or something. Make this. a family.

It's probably tanking over there. You didn't know what was going on. It did feel. Now you do. It did feel like a place that you would see on like the first 48, if that makes sense. Or like forensic files. It was like the door cracked open with the police tape. Yeah.

You know. Murder after hours. Yeah. You know, DJ get shot. Yeah. There was a DJ. You're like, what the hell's going on here? It just felt that was my early take next to a gas station.

Now you know. Now you know. Now you know. though. I mean, I'm sure maybe once, but that wasn't her speed, I don't think. She wasn't backing it up and dumping it. No, of course not. Crazy. He got there mother of three. She was

so young. Crazy. Younger than I am now. Oh, yeah. Wild. Makes you think. Young. Time. Flat circle. What? Psycho. I'm high. Let's see. This is

from Rex. $10.10 homie, never have one. Red. Is it garbage if when your cousin got arrested? his mom spit at one of the offers and said, why don't you go down to Wall Street and arrest some real criminals? That's how you do it. They love that. That's how you do it. They love that.

Uh-huh. Go down there and arrest some real criminals. You believe this? You're hassling me? My son's not allowed to drive through the front of a 7-Eleven. Why don't you go down there and arrest the people who are spending our pension? People need this meth. Uh-huh.

That's a big one. Uh-huh. I mean, you got to get to the whole thing of, like, you know, an investigation, and you got to get into a fucking, what are they called, warrants and all that stuff. It's really tough taking down white collar crime. It's much easier to pick up her dirtbag kid for doing whatever he did. Plus, a patrolman's not really responsible for that kind of investigation. It's more the FBI, right?

Like, all the detective. Security's Exchange Commission and all that kind of stuff. That's what I would have told us, broad. I don't know what I would have took the spit, but. Licted. We used to get a lot. Whenever we'd be downtown, you get a parking ticket.

You see that now. You see that now, too, because, like, that's a big for workers. Like, if you're, like, a construction worker or something, you got to park your van, you got to find a park, especially in New York, you got a park, you got to find a park, and then you got to go feed the meter every two hour. You get a ticket, something.

Out here trying to earn a living. Believe that? You're fucking breaking me off. Yeah, I'm triple park. $120. B.A. You can't win in this city. That we'd hear that a lot. Really breaking the balls that'll work in me.

That PBA show made it worse, too. The what? PBA show. PPA. Oh, in Philly. What was it called? Parking Wars or something? Which I had, that was so funny because that got big. You read for that, didn't you? I was, I mean, I've lived it a couple of times.

They, uh, it was so bad and so corrupt. that they were like, let's make a show on it in Philly. That's like, because it was like owned by a, it was a private company. The PPA is like a private company with public funding or something like that. It's all fucking. White Colle, you go arrest them down here at the fucking PPA. You want to get me a ticket? It's all kickbacks.

Yeah, it's all kickbacks. Kickbacks from the tow truck companies, the mechanics, everybody's on it. They would take, I remember that show, do people would go. The way they got you and the way it was great for fucking reality. TV is you had to pay the fines first. So there was two or three, two windows. You go to the first payment window, they go, they go, oh, you owe $1,800. Now you got these people scrounging to get the $1,800.

As someone who did it, I had to do it. You fucking, I had Danny pay, I fucking call him to get this money. And you figure once I, and then you get down, they go, all right, the next window, you got to show all your paperwork. And then they go, your paperwork's bunk. This, you know, this is that four days overdue. you know, you're not inspect, we can't give you the car. And they go, well, I just gave it a fucking 18-hunt.

And you go, yeah, I can't. Can't do nothing. That's when people would lose it. It's the reason for a bulletproof glass, yeah I mean? It's fucked up. Fucked up. Doing that to people? Out there, buh, working.

Why don't you go arrest a real criminal? Why don't you arrest yourself? Yeah. Rest yourself. Luke, probably, Luke's family probably made money off the fucking PPA. Dick kids. My buddy's had a good laugh. could laugh

you're lighting your fucking bomb with $100 bills A lot of stock in Purell and masks Ronnie you're like 20 Oh that's funny This one's just good This is a fixin the bun

$10 undercover brother Never had one red Ever fall out of a tree as an adult That's a tough look You're fucking up Any fall as an adult Any step I almost fucking broke my ankle Didn't you witness this?

Where was I? Yeah, Pittsburgh They have that little drop-down. Oh, my God. I almost killed myself in that fucking bathroom. It's just the three of us, too. My head would have went right into that fucking sink. I would have closed the door and walked out the back entrance.

I was never here. I would have said you push me. That's like as you... In a Chinese accent, but I would have said it. As you get older, that's when you do realize, like... It's not there no more. A fall. Like, dude, you would have fallen down that step.

The toilet was right there. You could have smashed your head on it. And you'd be... I just said I would hit my head on the sink. Yeah, you would have bled out. I'm just saying that's out. You're not going to send help for me. You're sitting two feet away.

A lot of traffic. It was a popular show. It was a sold-out show. What the hell? How's the ambulance going to get through the crowd? This fucking right up front. You son of a bitch. No, I'm just saying, not you.

You put your handle on my nose like Chrissy? I've seen it, too. Like, I almost fell in the shower a couple times. I've been like, well, that was hit. There's no bouncing back from that. You're just going to break your arm. Fucking something. An adult in the cast, too.

Yeah, because it's in the air. It's tough, tough look. You don't bounce back. You don't fall like you used to. Like you could as a kid. No. Sadder. It's so much sadder.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I get. I got. That kind of shit. I remember I'd... What? Nothing.

Stepping off a curb and twist on my ankle. The searing pain. That's you were a real big then. Yeah. What? I just unmanifest, yes. I'm not. Did you take that as a personal attack?

It was a personal attack. You called me fat and disgusting. Nobody loved me. I might add it to other stuff. But I'm still true all the same. I'm saying even we're talking about being older and out of shape and falling. And I'm saying that specifically time that you hurt your ankle stepping four and a half inches. You were.

That one was intentional. I didn't mean the other one. I swear to God. I was painting a picture of. I was there, asshole. All right. You know what? Yeah, I was a big fat pig.

I'm still a big fat pig now, but you're not. You're looking good. Everybody's complimenting you. Who? That's a 4x, isn't it? You fucking, that's a trick. I'm kidding. 2X, 2X.

Nobody's more proud and bigger supportive of you than I am, big dog. Is that true? Yeah, tell, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're spending it. Give me 100 bucks. Okay. You want it? Give me 200.

There you go. Now, I don't want 50. Such a dick Loser You don't got a hundred They're fake anyway What do you get 50s? No I don't

I gave you all the hundreds When I get hundreds When we got paid in cash at one time That was like four years ago Yeah I didn't I don't spend my money You're sitting on them 50s From that long ago

Yeah No you're not Where the fuck else When I get 50s That's from that payment Which they just asked If we want to do another one of them Yeah we do

I bet I knew you were gonna say Yes we do I'll do a weekly if you need me. A little corporate gig out there in the island. Uh-huh. Hey, dang. Yeah.

I still got, yeah, that's still floating around. Really? Mm-hmm. Man. How quick was yours gone? That night. That's great. That's why I didn't give it to you that night.

Aha. No, not that night. That was recent. I was clean then. Yeah, dickhead. Okay. When was that? Last week?

Yesterday. Um Yeah No yeah I still have that Some of it No not of it Whatever we're talking about me Being a fat pig

I wasn't I was saying Jesus Christ It's like fucking It's just like I feel it's like Leo And uh I wasn't gonna recover

I was saying You worked at the airport Okay What the fuck Who said he had a problem I just said he had a fucking problem Man you get that fat guy Sweat

When you do something like that Like that And you get to the point where like is the blood pumping the right way? Is there a clot going to form? What's my cholesterol doing it at? You know what I mean? That's when the whole system gets put on trial.

The whole system. All everything. I stub my thing. It's the hang nail ain't helping everything. It's like death of a thousand cuts. That's tough. I also, I was thinking about yes, I want to compliment you.

I was next to a specifically larger gentleman had the fact I smell. And it made me really appreciate. all your previous years of being fat, you're doing great. Never, we said this, never had the fat guy smell. No. Which takes a lot of work. This guy had, like, the musty old, like, shirt that was, like, wet for too long, kind of.

In the deep days of the depression last summer, when I would go, like, four or five days without shower and I would get it. That'd be all sweaty and stuff. Anybody get that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've always been very... It's funny. I liked it.

Being in that, you know, sick. So this is from the water boy over there on Peach. Talk to me. Um was from the Waterboy $10 TB watcher Tube oh Tubby watcher $10 $2 2B watcher

They're fucking Tubby up as we speak by the way Why? They're doing a lot of shady shit Why the fucking Why don't you go down there and arrest them? No no no no don't arrest them The people who are fought doing shady shit Yeah don't arrest tubi

Can we just leave Tube alone Not us Right But just let Tubby be tooby What are they doing? They're great They have great movies I get that

What are they doing They're starting to fucking Creeping with the ads And this and that I thought they were Primarily based on ads no That's why it's free Yeah but not up front

They start the movie for you Oh now you're getting pre-rolls Luke's smoking a couple of pre-rolls Ain't that Nice little mood rocks Then he getting Tommy all jacked up Cleveland You hear that

Yeah does that Huh Somebody blowing a fat whistle man that freaked me out I heard I pitch squeal I heard thunder last night that went on too long it sounded like yes I heard it was like maybe like midnight yeah it was rolling and I was like oh fuck those are those are bombs we're locked in yeah I'm the same thing I assume they're they're blowing up fucking the gas refineries out in Queens or something like that I here we go don't get my suit

Get the rifle. Just shoot myself. Right away. You're in the bathtub. Kip, you know, I love that, Chime. Who don't love Chime? And if you don't know, Chime is changing the way people banked. They offer the most rewarding fee-free banking.

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One more time, visit www.sleep.m.me. slash garbage, never wake up hot and tired again. Yeah. All right, let's see here. This one's from Fortner, $10. Fortner. Is it garbage to bury your dad in the front yard? He had over 500 plus acres, and we buried him 30 yards from the front of the house.

Well, you got 500 acres your own in that land. I respect it. That's for a yellowstone. That's some John Dutch. Yeah, but why not give him a little bit, a little bit of separation? A little breathing room? Yeah, something in the back's always nice. A little garden.

Yeah, I would say something you've got to like bang a left around. You know what I mean? Like around the corner. 30 yards from the front. That's a little too close for comfort for me. It's like where you put in the Christmas decorations. If he was cremated, I get that's okay. Creamated and burial.

I've never seen that done. Yeah, my dad's buried. Yeah, so was my stepdad. A little piece of him. First I ever heard. I got a jar of them. My mom's got a jar of them. I got a jar of them at the old house.

I got to go back there and get that shit. Oh, fuck, I love my dad over there. Pop, I'm coming. I'm coming to get you, buddy. I feel like you got to be a 15-minute walk away. Yeah, like you also- 15 minutes. They don't never see them.

Like a contemplated walk. 15 minutes. I'll never see it. Luke, come on. 15 minutes. You want to be able to contemplate and think. Five minutes is all you need. Around the corner, put a bush in.

15 minutes. That's a half an hour. This is how they get buried 30 yards from the house. Yeah. You'd probably put them in a basement if you could. I keep right next to the fucking TV. Lake's fucking Archie Bunker. I don't know if we could do, I don't know if I could, I get the cremation, then burial.

I don't know if I could put them bones and all 30 yards away from the house. They're doing some drilling or something. Yeah, something. Or it's that Havana shit. They're hitting this with a sound weapon. You don't know. They're going to try to take us out first? Who?

I don't know. Who's ever coming after us? We're broadcast. We could unify the country after everything falls apart for all they know. They take us out first. Sure. I'm okay with it. No worry, Luke.

I'm going to protect you. I just need your father's... Sexual favors. I need your father's checkbook and a card. And devout license. Yeah, I couldn't know. I couldn't do the bones. Knowingly, like, he's just...

Your dad's bones are out there? Uh-uh. Maybe my dad's bones. I'd be okay with. No, but anybody's bones. I don't want to be that close to fucking bones. I don't like to do that. those caskets are too, like, luxurious.

They're like steel. How long it's take for the body to go in there? Like 100 years? I want to go right in the dirt. I think they go very quick. I think that's the whole idea. Those caskets don't break down. That's all metal.

I think they do. I was under the impression that they do break down. Like they have, like, the bottom of it, I think, breaks down. I don't know. Coffins decomposition can take anywhere from one to 100 years. It depends on it. One. Yeah.

Well, it's like you have, like, you have, like, like the debtors ones where it's like a cardboard. I also think there's some religion. That's what I want. I want to get in there within the soil, go quick. I think religious, there's some religions that go like thin piece of Masonite, you know what I mean? That hell's Masonite? A real thin.

Next to the Amish? Isn't that what it's called? Real thin. Linolium. No. Wood. Lou on is wood. Okay.

That's not what I'm thinking of. I know I'm correct. I know I'm correct. The fucking dickheads. What the fuck? Dick. He said linoleum. Like, I'm redoing a kitchen in the 70s.

Linolium. Fucking jerk off. Yeah, no, it's like, it's just like a fucking, like a big shoe box. So you're, you know. That's what I like. You're halfway gone by the time. By the time, they're out of the funeral baller. You know what I mean?

I got soup last thing from a joint. It fell out of the bottom of the container. Like heated through it. Yeah, it was so hot. So something similar like that. Sure. If you need a soup analogy, to get it.

It was tomato bisque. Talking tacos. You ever heard of it? Pretty good. You're getting tomato bisk? You're getting tomato bisque from a taco joint? It's like a fusion taco place. They had a tomato bisque ramen.

It was pretty good. I get that. I want to go to that taco mall. No. Oh, yeah. You're real fucking. Talking tacos. Okay.

That's where we're going. All right, man. Talking tacos. Sounds good. Talking tacos. I had to say it four times. Thanks with a free bisque. All for one cup is.

soup that falls out of the bag. That wasn't their fault. That was mine. I presumed. No. But it leaked through. I don't want to leak through. Plus, like, that silk inside the coffin?

That shit's weird. Why does it look like that? Give me some Notre Dame shit, some Eagles gear. Naked in a box. In the soil. Okay. Whatever you want. Is this written down anywhere so I don't have to fight your family about it?

Write this shit. down you want me posed up like this they'll probably be to charge a meeting greets fucking have you posed up on a sitting behind a fucking kitchen the kitchen table you walk up you get you spend 20 bucks you get to take your final picture with it with folly you gave you five times you're gonna be milking me for everything I got that's why I'm purposely not writing anything down so I can enjoy that from hell it's just screw me one last time like Jacob Marley was I don't Much of a reader, huh?

Know who Jenny Craig is? Hey, then. Never saw her. We ever going to look at her? She had to be a more of a luptuous lady. I know, I bet you probably after all that stuff. Is she real? Yeah, she's real.

She has to be. Probably a type piece ass. No disrespect, obviously. That's Wendy. What fuck is Wendy? Dave Thomas's daughter. Yeah, she's ready. There she is.

Yeah, I do her. I've seen her. Is that Ernest Hemingway? What? It looks Latifah. No, it looks like Ernest Hemingway. There she is.

Weight loss guru Jenny Craig. I love tight body. I love that 90s mom look with the gold, the hair done up, those dresses. What one? The second one? Yeah. Yeah, that's still like leftover.

That's still influence from the 80s. But like they're getting a little more refined, you know what I mean? Love that. Yeah. Hey, ma'am. Hey, dang. All right, let's see here

This one's from all the toes $10 glass case of emotion Ever been stuck in a revolving door Stuck, how do you get stuck in there? They stop. The big ones at the airports Will stop if you get too close, they stop I'm assuming that's what he's. If you get too close.

So there's, you're thinking of like The manual one that you get in and you push There's the automatic ones That you can fit like two families And they turn real slowly Yes, I know exactly talking about Those if you get too close

to the front of the door or the back of the door as a safety feature they stop. So it doesn't sweep you under? So it doesn't, yeah, whatever it is. But you also, you gotta time it and so there could be seven other people going the other way and it just always fucking gets fucked

I'm assuming that's what you're talking about. Unless this bozo gets stuck in a fucking three-piece revolving door, you know what I mean? Damn. But no, I've never been stuck in a revolving door. No. those big ones at all cost for that reason, though.

I don't like the ones in the subway. I don't really fit. They're scary. That's not somebody. They stop you. They stick you. That was always the thing, yeah. They stop eating and they stick you.

Yeah. I mean, they used to like... They're like a rat in the cage. They were robbing people. Like, you really just have to have someone put their foot against it. You're stuck in there. And then I think they go, give me your cell phone or whatever. And they're on the A train.

Ow. Fuck that. Yeah. Stick them back on my ship. Keeping my shoe. How are you going to bend down to your shoe in that thing? That thing's tighter on a telephone box. I have a spring on it.

There you go. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking about for a minute. Yeah, totally. This idiot. All right, let's see here. This one's from Adam A. in LA. Great name. $10 investor, never had one read.

Is it garbage of growing up your father bragged about his bartering skills? After 08, a lot of vendors couldn't pay him for his contract. contracting work. Instead of coming home with cash, my dad would brag to us how he made more via bartering. Previous examples include $300.300 worth of shallots for a $200 cash job. Shalots! $700 of nearly expired toothpaste for a $400 cash job. And his all-time best, a shopping bag full of whatever he wanted from a small-time convenience store owner who owed him a couple hundred. We still have some of the cigarettes and

tic-tacks from the score. Damn. Shallots go quick, though. I guess you got to then pedal them? I guess you move to shallots. I mean, what's, I mean, what's a fucking pound of shallots go for? $300 with the shalots is a shitload. Yeah.

Try like, you're good. I mean, you could get them. You can keep them for a year in the freezer if you try. The freezer? Yeah. Frozen shallots? Yeah. No.

It's a great way to preserve vegetables. Get out of here. How are you going to keep all of them shallots in a fridge? You're all your icing is going to smell like onions. Guys, I've got a deep freeze for sure. All right. I'll do it. I don't know why you're so miffed by the fucking can also pickle them.

Ooh. I like that. I like pickled onions. Pickled shallots. Pickled onions, pickled cabbage. Pickled onions are great. Big fan. Yeah.

It's a very Vietnamese does a lot of the pickled stuff, right? What I'm thinking of? I wouldn't know. Okay. He took offense to that. somehow. Not sure, but we will move on. This one's from the Waterboy.

We never got to the Waterboy, the $10 Tooby Watcher. Talk to me. Never have one read. You ever meet anyone with a pet ferret? My fourth grade teacher would bring two every day in the pouch of her hoodie. Listen, I don't know much about much. That's a bad school. That is not a great school.

Is it okay if I bring my ferret to school? She probably wasn't asking. And that goes to show that the school had bigger. problems than the teacher bringing two fucking two rodents with her you got a ferret in the classroom all right i've seen kindergarten cop that was pretty cool yeah i didn't like it but a teacher with two ferrets in her house get a dog that place must are reeked i don't yeah they're too like rodenty for me to like want to cuddle you know what i mean the hands are too small that musk it's a human hands too yeah i don't like Long fingernails.

I don't like that. Uh-uh. Freak me up. Not my cup of tea. All right. Let's see this one's from Jim K. $10 retired tweaker here. Nice.

Did you ever try to learn how to count cards? That's a... I don't understand it. That's a big one. I don't understand it. I have, not have, but like... So obviously poker was really big. And then that movie 21 came out.

And that was everybody's. They gave you the rundown. Hold on. Let's say it's one deck. Yeah. Okay. Just because you know there might be two aces left in the deck, you don't know when they're coming. Doesn't matter.

But the edge goes to you. You now know. So the debt, there's like a, and I'm making, these are the loose rules. How many decks that I use now? I think there can be like, I think it's like three, five, seven, nine or so. It's like a bunch. I choose a bunch of fucking, a bunch of decks. I don't know how many.

Because the lower the deck, that's like. like more sought after. Hey, what's his shoe is the thing that they're in? What? Nothing. You know that. We've played. I've never heard it called a shoe.

That's crazy. I've played blackjack with you like 10,000 times. I never heard anybody call it a shoe. I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying you're kind of a dork for knowing that. Okay. No offense. Okay.

To you personally. Okay. No, uh, none taken. Okay. Um, I understand where you're coming from. Mm-hmm. If I said something like that, you'd make fun of me. Hit the shoe.

Two on the river. Yeah, okay. Maybe for sure. I get where you're coming from. Definitely. Yeah. I was flexing. I wasn't.

That's just what they're called. I don't know. There's like three things you need that you learn at a poker or at a blackjack table. Whatever. What are they? shoes, socks, pants, underwear. In that order. I need to have them all.

Listen, it's like you value the deck. So, like, I don't know the rules, but it's like anything. A non-face card is minus one. A face card's plus one. So as they come out, you keep score. So for every face card that comes out, you go, okay, plus one, plus two, minus one, minus two. And you keep this score.

And I think when it gets to like 16 or something like that, if it's ever plus 16, it's like a heavy deck, which means the chances of you getting face cards is a lot, which you want face cards. You know, your odds go up. It just reminds me I saw it. I never tried it. I don't know.

I just know. They explained it in the movie. A friend of mine's neighbor was going to play cards. And he was like him and his buddies, he said, you want to go play cards? And I was like, nah, I appreciate it. And then I looked down and I saw the briefcase, the silver. You hate it.

I mean, we've gone into it. I'd rather blow my fucking bring. out. But the inverse of like, what if this is just now a guy carrying like hundreds of chips in his hands or in plastic bags? What looks stupider? Fair enough. That's a good point. I never thought.

The briefcase, if you're not, if you don't enjoy cards. Also, I don't know anybody rolling with those briefcases anymore. That was a very of the time and place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It is a tough look. I mean, anything stainless steel. It's like show. It's like, look at me.

It's, uh, I got the, I got the chips. I got. Uh, yeah, I get, if, if, if, if you're not a fan of, I get how that's a, the visualization of a tough hang. Mm-hmm. Uh, for sure. But I think it is a dirt bag thing to, for sure, dirtbag thing to try and learn how to count cards. And like myself, have a loose understanding from a movie you saw 15 years ago. You know what I mean?

That's like very. That's all. I'm like, I got. And then if anybody brings it up, I go, I get it, plus. Plus, you know, listen, I know. I haven't been sharpening my skills recently, so I'm a little rusty, but I know the basics. Same way with, like, tech with like poker. I'm like playable, but I don't know what the fuck.

You're a good blackjack player. I like playing blackjack with you. The only guy I like playing blackjack with the best guy ever. And you know what they go where they keep the cards? And the shoe. There you go. Yeah. Yours would be called the Smelly shoe.

Ooh, okay. Superman wrote that one. Somebody get this shot of the guy who shot of B12. Also, put the fucking toy down. You don't get to make jokes like that and play with a toy at the same time. Okay, listen, everybody takes a couple of misses, but you got to keep your fucking head in the game.

Sitting over here playing with an action figure. I'm not playing with an action figure. I just keep it in my hand. Okay. Luke got it for me. Must be kryptonite the way you bombing. Not great either. What?

That was okay. It was a little too cool. I made it try to sound too cool. Say we're to cook out. You code switching an Among? Okay. Okay. Okay, guy.

All right, let's see here. This one's from, I guess this is a Pokemon reference. Bugman Blast Toys? Blastoys. Blastoys, is that? Blastoy's. I always thought of a Blastoid. Blastoid.

This is Blast Toys. It's Blast toys. Yeah, Essie. Yeah. O-I-I-S. Is it a good Pokemon to be? Yeah. Nice.

One of the O-Gs. Really? Yeah. Sweet. I'd be in the little ball. Yeah. I come out fucking somebody up. Last week is a third evolution.

What can I do? You got two tank water cannons on your back. Water cannons. Yeah. Pussy. What am I doing with that? It's showering people. Hey, that.

Hot. Okay, I'm in. Water cannons. You got hydro pump. You got a bunch of moves. I got moves. That da-da-da-da-da-da. God.

All right, anyway. I want lasers, phasers, bombs. Your mega evolution kind of does that. But that's a later thing that I didn't really get into. Oh, my God. Let's discuss this more. What do you want, shoebox? Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, the guy trying to fucking run the show. I'm sorry, am I bothering you? Let's go Toby McGuire. Tofer Grace. Oh, cards. You sit at a poker table with your headphones on, getting a massage. I love this. Getting a massage.

I'm playing a car. I'm going to massage. Do you think this is. I feel like you're really, you really think you're talking to me. No. You don't not think that. You really just pictured me. Mr. McGuire.

My hood up, sunglasses on, getting a massage, all aloof. Yeah. Some chick that thinks you're gross. She definitely does. It'd be great if I had a girl walk out and start massaging me right now. Dickhead. Eating a sandwich or something. I was always very performative, that kind of.

I'm like, yeah. We used to play like real shitty games at like the fucking Taj and stuff like that. And there would be people you didn't like that. It's crazy what you take offense to. Yeah, I say that and you think I think I'm saying I'm better than you.

There's something in it. No. There's something. There's something. That's Taj. We dragged down to the Taj, dude. What do we do? Listen to the nickel back.

Are you in a band right now? No. And you're breaking my mind. balls for trying to be cool what are you talking about you're insane got up to mr rooster not in the band they wouldn't let you in huh only only using you for clout no what are you paying them to be friends with them like samler and funny people you're the roadie um i move some gear um there would be you'd be playing a game you have like a hundred bucks and 50 like you're the small potatoes smallest game that you know what you mean oh i knew that i want to

say the name of the game to make even more, man. Please. Shuffle butter, whatever it's called. I'm a fucking trepozoid. What's it called? A fat-assad. Badazoid. Nothing on that. I got water cannons. You got cannons.

I'd wear your whole table. You can pair of double Ds if he is, mate. Nuh. Okay. He's got really yes and stuff. I do have gorilla titties, though. I have like old man gorilla titties. Mm-hmm.

Because they're sagging. My nips are fucking, like, razor-sharp, too. I look like a silverback. More of a snor-lack. This conversation's a boorlax. I'll tell you that much. Whatever. So there I am playing 2-4 Omaha.

You want to be like a operator, too. All right, 2-4 Omaha. I'm pot committed. But I got to hurry up. We're almost out of pretzel rods. Delisa's calling from Vader's to pick me up. How old am I in this? And she's coming to pick me up.

Hopefully the guy He was Kevin Get your fat ass in the car That was never fat Mom's got to get home and get a good night's sleep Oh he's yelling at Oh

We're back baby At minute 58 I die Don't forget I want to be buried in your front yard 20 feet $10 homie ever have one read. What is the most garbage snack to have in a hospital?

I saw a patient at work have a big box of club crackers and a can of cheese spray. That's it. We got to wrap it up. That is certified dirtbag shit, dude. Dude, imagine. Club crackers is so good. Dude, a can of spree cheese at a hospital is wild. Over by the flowers and ginger.

Doctors, doctors looking over the x-rays in front of you. You're doing it through the car. Cracker. Oh, once I figured you could do that. Get out of town. I bet you did. Two on the Omaha. Three on the club crackers.

Game, we love to see you next week. Peace.