Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Brendan Schaub: Colorado Kid

Episode Date: May 8, 2022

Kippy and Foley are back with Brendan Schaub! Its a fun one. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.

gang let's talk about that middle-class famous tour baby coming to a town near you the hottest thing on a road right now We've been zipping all over the country. We're coming to a town near you kippy straighten them out First of all, we got a second show out in Chicago. So the first one out as we did Zany's Yeah, still some tickets left for the late show and we're over there in Rosemont Moving for that. So get them guys get on that Then we're also going to be in Pittsburgh Buffalo in Detroit get them now before they're gone Yep stand-up show we play a YG with the crowd you've seen the clips. What are we doing? Come see us bring the homies bring the bozos bring the squad Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is our you garbage Uh-huh. So those show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I think you're to be classy Yeah, or it's just a big old piece of trash. I'm your hostage fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're down here at into these basement. I had a lock her in her room Yeah, when she saw this specimen coming down the side drink a lot of the shop back the bathroom

My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of our you garbage He's an international businessman and he is not to be trifled with in the boardroom or the bedroom Uh-huh. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang Thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate you subscribe on itunes full video available on YouTube And as you know those numbers are true to rule cooking, baby We've been saying that since about 300 subscribers and they really are cooking now And then obviously the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com back slash are you garbage or slash are you garbage check it out you get bonus content episodes of

Hard feelings live streams a whole nine yards. Check it out Oh, yeah, and having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good Give it up for the bone McScruff and Tubby McMullin everybody. What's up, dude? What's up T bone? I think we got the most intimidating man The ice man We've never had vegetables in here now. We got to call the flower Trying to dial it back man, you could be wearing a dress. I'd still be scared Cuz gang we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time

He is a very funny very successful stand-up comedian podcaster and former UFC fighter You've seen him in but not limited to love and sex ghost adventures. We're gonna get into that Kill Tony Chelsea Lately Miss Busters. That's a check mark right there ancient aliens Below the belt something's burning watch what happens live Tiger Belly 30 for 30 lights out with David Spade Ridiculousness the Joe Rogan show. He is of course the host of the fighter and the kid Co-host king in this thing. He has a brand new special out right now called gringo poppy But the big question about his mind today is could I take him?

Get Jake Paul on the phone couple Millie will find out do me a favor give it up for Brenda job Let's go look at you Man, I told you man out of all the shows that I have on the press tour. This is I was looking forward to this the most Thank you, buddy. Yeah, dude, and you guys need to hear this. Everybody loves you guys Thanks. I'm telling you from from the big boys across the board. Everybody loves you. Thank you. Thank you Yeah, talk to my girlfriend of my family I like how you said you're not intimidating you walked in here and started drinking the props from the Was that real skippy

Just a fucking I'm doing Keto He's random fucking things up here. Yeah, he really went for he's like I'll do whiskey. I'm like, all right We just took it off the show around casing the joint like you guys got me. Well, there you go, right? Yeah, I don't know if I'm garbage, but I'm definitely an alcoholic I mean, I was Jones in to get your whiskey Well, first of all, we didn't even ask him if he wanted to drink that a bottle of water out And he goes you guys just pound water. Is that how you got past? I'm like, I think there's some turpentine in the corner if you want to

You guys want to pull a hair on your chest, huh? What is so packing a lip, right? This guy's going Nicotine not tobacco nicotine. Oh Were you on the dip at one point though the real deal? Uh-huh real I never get real deal These are I don't know if anybody dips in here But as far as like nicotine goes like the flavor on these man I like everything's intense coffee like I start my mornings with eight espresso shots Yeah Yeah, and I only read me

Yeah, like a big cat at the zoo If a tiger doesn't eat it, I don't touch it fellas. So yeah, so I'm gonna have a heart attack in about four years So yeah, that's so enjoy. Enjoy this. Why we enjoy the content. I have four years to get good at standup I'm sitting down with a liver king. This is this guy's crazy. What is the backstory? What's what's the what's the origin story? You're a Colorado kid Denver kid really Aurora Aurora, Colorado, right? Yeah, so man. No one's ever asked this Have you been podcasting for like 15 years literally it was me No one's ever asked me where I've been never nobody asked me anything. It's ever I'm always doing my own shit So you were a fighter who told you that

Who the fuck gave you that info? This guy actually hasn't been famous for a decade This kid's on edge. I like it This guy's a real loose cannon man. I think it's the espresso shots in the morning. He starts choking out t-bone I'm gonna let it go for a couple of minutes Just enjoy the show The espresso and the red meat's not helping Fuck a cob salad or something you splash in CT

Yeah, I'm like, oh fuck they're gonna ask where I'm from you forget he's been punching the head for that Yeah, yeah, so you got that working for me. So that's cool No, I go you're really gonna go. Yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a shit No, I born and raised in Aurora, Colorado Aurora especially especially now, but when I was growing up Mainly predominantly black neighborhood. Okay, it was me my older brother black divorce parents, okay black neighborhood, so that's where comedy and

Sports kicked in right in order to be cool and fit in I got made fun of we got bullied a lot but I Acceled at sports and was able to like break the ice with anybody. I'll make friends with anybody. Yeah put me in a room I'll make a hundred friends because I'm good at like breaking those Like making fun of myself. So that's where the comedy and like all that came from where you always were you big as a kid or were You know, I was small super late bloomer really never got in fights as a kid wasn't the tough kid Huh, I was the silly class clown and then I was athletic though, but I was small. I was small super late bloomer And so this is I don't mean a reptile. Please. This is how sir shows yours

Just don't power So take the whiskey Suplex we're having a good time to a CT flared up Somebody turned on the microwave when he freaked out Yeah This South Sears I was about Fitting in that school. So I knew I was more athletic and a lot of those kids and that recess is where you were cool So we always played on grass with a soccer football and I had a gift just that sports is a is a curse a blessing and a curse

But my way to be cool, you know, they would make fun of me But when recess came I would shine and I knew that's how I'd get street cred So my mom we didn't grow up rich my mom I made her take me to pay less shoe stores and I I wore a the McGregor's at the time cleats Sure, there were the mold pleats dude. I wore them at recess. No, hold up. I wore them to school So I'm walking through everyone's making fun of me. It's going clink clink clink All right, bitch Yeah, I know it's 8 a.m. Wait, wait. All right. I look like an asshole in chemistry. We'll see what's up

We'll see what's up. So recess came no one had like good footing because it's like, you know Your your boy here guys crazy. I was Barry Sanders in fourth grade Dude, it might have been the cleats But then another dope thing my mom loved is because they're mold cleats I'd wear them on black, you know black top and all over is they wore out over time So I didn't need new shoes. So she was like, oh, yeah, you just keep wearing those and they turned into regular shoes Wait, so you were rundown spikes or cleats as for two years. Yeah. Yeah McGregor's. Yeah, man But dude when when I attract a real single mom shit right. Yeah, when I attraction though, we'll see who's laughing

Dude I'm field day Fucking breaking ankles over here fucking Michael Phelps of the field day dude wear cleats to school That's a fucking new one right now. I do love the covers like just fucking I'll take you to I'll take the beating right now Just fucking wake me up fellas. We'll see what's up Walking around the lunchroom in full football gear. Yeah, I got eye black on How did you guys third grade? How did you guys end up in this neighborhood? Oh Family from the area. Yeah, how'd you end up in Denver your parents? Yeah, my parents. Well, yeah

Yeah, no one my dad was born in Denver. Okay, so he just stayed there Okay, then he met my mom there and then, you know, they got divorced when I was like six or seven So then my mom moved into apartment then my parents where it's now, you know, I'm a dad I have a six-year-old and two-year-old and when I think of this the magnitude what they the pressure they put on me My brother when they had divorced they sat us down like right you gotta decide right now Who's coming with me who's coming with them your mom? Yeah, and my brother's like I'll go with my mom And I'm like I'm staying with dad. So they separate and then we would switch so I'd go to my mom's one day Wednesday Friday and Then

And then my brother was flip-flop. Whoa swapping rooms and shit. You have nightmare. Yeah, that's like the fighter That's wild. Yeah weird. I used to fight grown men in steel cage of my underwear. Yeah, stand-up comedy. Yeah Making sense dude one bad break and I'm fucking Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. Oh, yeah How how what's the age there between you and your brother? He's two years older and you guys went to the same high school Say it's same everything. You went to the same high school. We're living in separate houses essentially. Yep, exactly He wear cleats to school or no It's in the marching band. Yeah. Yeah, dude. My brother. He had he used to beat me up so bad like everyone if you have brothers sisters Yes, the older brother

He would beat me up so bad like I'd be outside and get I'm not an aggressive person despite what you guys think in the way I look, but I would just whatever you say. Yeah in the 45 knockout whatever man. Yeah Yeah, say that to Mirko Croko. Yeah, no, but I was just really into like Saturday night live Like I was my thing man. That's that was my goal But my brother just had horrible anger issues and I'm sure everyone has anger issues Brothers was so bad the divorce compound on top of that. Oh, I would just be chillin He'd take a golf club or a bat and beat me with it. What? Yeah, so we had to go to anger management when I was like eight or nine

And that would have you but yeah, my dad brought us there and even then fuck. I'm the one getting hit Yeah, this is gonna ruin my Saturday. It's when stop like they didn't know how to stop it Of course. Yeah control damn. He took my head and rammed it into the fireplace So even now people think it's from fighting those from my brother when I was younger My parents like you don't need stitches. I'm like that makes sense What's he doing now? He's my tour. We're great now. Okay, it was tough tough. Jesus. Yeah tough tough But he was he was the bat. He should have been the fighter. Uh-huh. Yeah, he got a textbook

Yeah, he got so many fights and like our first day Fifth grade for me first day of sixth grade for him. We lived like Maybe, you know half a block from the the middle school and then my elementary school was like maybe I don't half a mile. So he would go earlier. I'll never forget this first day of school. He left, right? I'm like have fun loser and then I left. I don't know 45 hour later. I'm walking. I see him walking back And he had blood all over his shirt. He's like, I got suspended. I'm like, it's been 20 minutes Literally been 10 minutes My parents had to go up there and what they found out is because he had glasses and braces

So they made fun of him. He wasn't like me. He didn't put up with it He'd fight back. So this kid was making fun of him. You know, he didn't know the kid So he socked the kid in the face. This is sixth grade. Sock the kid in the face The kid goes to the ground and my brother's holding the milk He had like fucking, you know, just regular fucking 2% milk and Fucking head kicks the kid like teeth everything blood everywhere milk fuck shadow So he had suspended for like, I don't know fucking four months or something like that I don't know what the milk had to do with the story, but I like to put it

Dumped it on. No, what's impressive is he had a milk. It was able to punch the kid and still kick him in the face That's kind of salvage your deal. Yeah, didn't spill one drop of my Nestle's quick either. Yeah, dude You also say milk very trashy. You say it like him. Yes with an A. No, well, also, I have a speech impediment. So be cool, man I Give me that was your first warning. Okay, that's strike one man. I can turn the AC on in here Yeah Smooth the whiskey. Yeah, holy shit. What did your dad do? What'd your mom do? My mom was like a property manager bounced around

My mom's crazy, but it's also where my I get my comic from is my mom Like my mom would steal as like she would steal all with you there Like she with me there She would do we go out a restaurant and she like she didn't have a lot of money So she get paid and we'd go to Chili's. I grew up Chili's was like our fucking Del Frisco And I my thing was I would get a full rack of ribs Which is the most expensive item on the menu and a chocolate shake. That was my that was my celebration I'll go there right now if my special hits a million

so I would do that every time when my mom would let me do it and then I Would know if money was tight. She's like, let's get the chicken fingers, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And so I remember she's like order whatever you want. You want two of them like sure She's what two shades one extra chairs. I'm like, oh, it's mom's balling. Yeah, and then the check comes mom's like, okay Cool, so I'll meet you up front, right? I'll pull the car around and then you guys just when you're done You meet me out there, but I was a kid and I was like, sure Yeah, she probably gave he gave the money and went to the car. No, she just did dine and dash for the longest time Yeah, and we ever catch it never really she was back to mom with the two kids or the kid, you know

Yeah, it's a good color expecting like teenagers or whatever. Is that why she had you wear cleats Listen when you hear the gunshot go Those cleats get a little slippery on that chili's floor What are you doing you're wearing a cleats We're trying to rip off a bowling alley idiot. What are you doing? Stuck in the revolving door dude. That's wild Wild but my mom is the reason where I'm at where I'm at now because sure every Saturday, man She you know she had Robin Williams on the TV all the time who I looked up to for so long

And then Saturday live was like my north star Yeah, I grew up on all the old school Saturday lives and force me to watch as though Saturday nights like my mom Don't get it twisted. She might be crazy But she was fucking the best mom as far as like watch this be into this so every Saturday no matter what I was doing We watch Saturday night life. That's awesome. The chilies thing. That's fucking great That might be one of the wildest stories. We've heard Dine and Dash with the kids. Yeah, what can I tell her? I'll meet you outside. I didn't even she didn't even make sure you got out there She didn't like let you guys go first. She was like fuck it's every man for themselves go meet me in the Burger King parking lot in 20

Minutes. I love that. That's hard. That's a great story. And what about your pop? What'd he do? My pops was it's a pursuit of happiness. Sometimes I tear up when I tell this story, but my dad was uh Uh, never missed You don't have to go into it This kid's on edge He's gonna hit me crying I start hugging you calling you dad People at a golf club I'm running

No, but my dad never missed a football game nothing monster monster of a dad super disciplined He's where I get my work ethic from it's great. The one thing that drives me nuts is You know, it's not a bad compliment people go. He's the professional athlete's work ethic. No, dude I have my dad's work ethic. Yeah, it's it's I could be working at Chipotle. I'd have the same work ethic It's just what I know my dad's a monster, but uh We grew up in a super modest house like two bedroom in uh, aurora, colorado Then my dad was super smart. So he was selling like computer programs at the time And he thought he thought about fucking early late 80s

And he would go door to door like pursuit of happiness. You have a briefcase He'd always have a suit on man Looked in like he was always into fashion like always looked like a fucking dime piece And you go door to door selling them and sometimes me and my brother follow him and then uh He sold um some uh software. He sold the software and then I remember him on the phone He's on the phone and he was jumping around and he's he's jumping around down there for you The cord was all tangled around him and he's like we made it. We made it

I had and then two days later He had a printout of all these houses. He was which one you guys like What was the made it what happened? What was that? What was the made it? What happened? He sold uh, he sold his uh, like the the thing he was working on this big computer thing Okay, so that's some big company Damn And that was it you guys had made it or where everything worked out?

Yeah, yeah, and then uh, I didn't know what was going on because I was young and I remember I was like Oh, I like that one. I thought he was just I don't know. Yeah, you know I was like I like that one You remember my dad just pulled a slip and a fall at a TGI Friday Yeah, I'm like really this one I'm wearing cleats Now, what are we stealing from this house dad? Yeah, we're we're robbing houses now We got to bring mom on in this. Can we stop and get a chocolate shake on the way he uh

Yeah, I didn't know I was too young. So I was like that one then two weeks later We pulled up to the house. He's like you know, brother go pick a room. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking awesome, man It was like pursuit of happiness. All right. Yeah, my dad's All three of us are gonna be crying in a minute A bunch of pussy's over here. Yeah, I apologize No, no, that's comedy. No, that's what the show is being. How fatty was the house? Uh It's interesting right because he still lives in that house and at the time, you know

I didn't grow up in that environment. It was at the time. It was like to me the home alone house It was the biggest thing I've ever seen. Okay Now I've made my own way, you know a lot of credit to my dad and You know now that you fit three of those houses in my house, so it's like I go back and I'm just like Damn, this isn't I was crazy. Well, so yeah, the perspective of like you're in a two bedroom. Yeah This house ain't shit Step the fucking game up sell some more software dork. Let's go made it Go this making it can't even park my cars here set your goals higher man. Oh my god, that's wild

All right, let's get into a little bit Do people ever come on here and tell that weird stuff or did I fuck this episode? Beautiful, what are you talking about? That's the show baby fucking fantastic. What was the pet situation growing up? Was there one? Any lizards Snakes birds name keep going tarantula. Are you serious animal? I was like fucking Steve Irwin before he died I I didn't fuck with stingrays, but I I was so I fit him in the pool. Yeah, can't really talk to you about helix mattresses

Helix You ever heard of them? Have I heard of them? I made boom boom one in last night Kids knocking boots on the helix didn't hear a thing upstairs. No neighbors weren't complaining about that. He got the quiet Do yourself a favor and take the quiz take the quiz two minute quiz. Yeah, find out how you sleep Who doesn't have two minutes sleep cold don't straighten you out man I'll send a mattress right to your door for your specific needs Yeah, me and the lady do is match with the twilight mattress Best mattress I've ever had first adult grown-up. You know big boy mattress. I've ever had it's fantastic best sleep of my life

So if you're looking for a mattress take the quiz order the mattress that you're matched to comes right to your door Ship for free. You don't ever have to go to a bozo mattress store again. Nope Uh, just go to helix sleep dot com sus garbage Like I said two minute quiz match up with a customized mattress give you the best sleep of your life Plus they got a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free That's over three months. We'll even pick it up if you don't love it. But like I've said previously I'll give you gonna I'll give it the kj stamp of approval. You're gonna love this thing Helix even has financing options and flexible payment plans. So a great night's sleep is never far away

Helix is offering up to 200 dollars 200 clams 200 bonzos whatever you need Uh, and two free pillows for your listeners at helix sleep dot com sus garbage one more time Helix sleep dot com sus garbage do it. Yeah kip a spoke post you talking about box of awesome talking about the box of awesome I'm talking about that it's spring time wouldn't it be nice for every month to have a box of cool stuff Just show up at your door. I'm talking grooming materials things for your home bar Things for outside stuff for outdoor use you're gonna be at you're gonna be getting around in the spring And you want to be flexing on people and you want to look cool doing it some cool fucking shit It's cool guy shit. You never know you need it till you get it. You know, I fucking need this get yourself a box of awesome

Do yourself a favor it's unbelievable and guess what most of the things that they get are all come from small businesses How about that? So you're helping out the little guy. It's handcrafted material here curated each box is valued at over at around 70 dollars, but you only pay a fraction of that price It's free to sign up. You can skip a month at any time to get 20% off your first box Your first monthly box when you sign up at box of awesome dot com enter the code garbage at checkout You know it that's box of awesome dot com promo code garbage for 20% off your first box one more time write it down box of awesome Dot com code garbage do it. I uh, my favorite movie was ace ventura So that hit that hit heavy big time

I missed a full week of school and go see it at the movie theater My mom just let me miss school and she take me to work There's a movie theater across her work. So I just ditch every day and go see ace ventura six days in a row like a savage But um, I was that movie I was always into animals and then I had every animal You know geckos fucking tarantulas Rep the every I had a bird that somebody gave my mom and I was like, can we keep it? She said I guess they gave it to us because this thing this thing was who's getting free birds. That's crazy, dude

She stole that for sure, right You're right. She just stole a bird She stole that bird from the zoo because it wasn't like a peacock like a pig It was a this a fucking bird dude. It was a a huge bird like he's got a two can in his room I think it was a peacock But we didn't have my mom was like, we're not gonna cage for putting your claws I'm like that makes sense at eight. So I had in my closet, but this bird had anger issues So come in and just attack him. He's in a closet, dude. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, so well then one day I'll say you get attacked. I just left the closet open the front door open He was like later losers and then Bought the house next door. Yeah Holy shit. Yeah, so I loved animals. Do you have normal dogs cats anything had a So, yeah, man, so I had cats when I was a kid and I've always had really bad allergies and they were so bad to the point where they took me to the doctor and the doctor Was like, yeah, we did all the tests. We can't figure it out, man. The doctor was saying real quick Do you guys have any pets and my mom goes, yeah, we have we have three cats and he goes an ostrich

And we have a very aggressive ostrich He's in the closet though. He's all right in the closet. So he's cool for the most part You have a kangaroo with a drinking problem I mean, we have a couple koalas, but no, nothing crazy, man. Yeah Dude, so he uh, you're insane, you know that. Yeah, I know I didn't know this was your backstory. This is yeah, no, yeah So, uh, the doctor goes, uh, and he has allergies even the winner and my mom was yeah all the time He goes, yeah, right. Uh, so, you know the allergy season doesn't exist in the winter. He's allergic to your cats dumbass

my mom's like, oh So they found out I was super allergic to cats still am cats No, well, they kept them for probably another year and then my dad just hated them And then was like, oh, they ran away and then about a year ago my dad another year of allergy Your face is so small Dude, I'm running off. I couldn't see like go outside in your cleats moron But I uh About a year goes by and I did love those cats and then my dad was like, oh, they ran away

They ran away. I'm like, oh, it's terrible and about two years ago I'm like, god dang man, one of those cats ran away. He goes, oh, they didn't run away I took them to the uh, to the where we walk at night the park and just let them go Geez For the cali on that savage shit that you did that happened a lot in the nineties. Oh, yeah Animals just got whacked or let go. Well, now you can't do that shit I think parents back then knew that if you took it to the to the spca They were just going to put it to sleep and like, you know, our parent generation had that

You know, fend for yourself mentality and in their eyes, it's like, I'm going to let them free back into the wild Yeah, they thought it was a better blood for them. Definitely not because there's coyotes out there My mom, we had uh gerbils and I went on vacation with my dad And my mom hated the gerbils. So she uh, just let them out They do nothing. They live in an aquarium They used to piss and shit all we would let them out in their cage. No, we would let them out and shit. It was bad Okay, so she set them out in the backyard thinking like that we'll just go die or whatever live And then we came home and she's like, oh listen, the gerbils died

We were like, ah, fuck, you know, and then like three days later they're they made it back into the house We're like peanuts on the tv. She's like, fuck They're flourishing. Yeah, my brother You're just killing it. Yeah Yeah, my my brother for whatever reason because I was the animal guy And then he was like, oh, I had a hamster this cute. He's my favorite hamster named eddie He was my favorite man. He's all fat favorite hamster trashy statements. Also named eddie trashy statement Hamster named eddie. He's my favorite. My brother is a bookmaker too

Dude eddie the hamster is a mob name So go see eddie the hamster Sat to pay eddie the hamster, right? Yeah What is this, Sicilian? No, he's an actual hamster. Yeah, the actual hamster, man, eddie Was he from the Bronx? No, it's just a hamster from petco, but he uh He my brother for what a reason was like, I want a hamster and we go and I was like, this guy's fucking stealing my vibes Yeah stealing the jack and your shit, dude. So we go to the pet storm Dude, he's this might this might eat this dude. This is my evil brother

He picks out uh, there was the on every is this white hamster with red eyes Oh, I know that one. They are evil. I want that one. First of all, that's a rat You know what? It's probably rat So he picks out this rat with red eyes And he goes, I want this one even the the person selling the animals like really? Yeah, that one's half off so Dude, this gets dark. You guys ask for it. So, uh,

He puts the hamster in and my brother's like, hey, he's a friend now. Don't you want that? I'm like, yeah, that'd be good for him because he's lonely. My brother's gay. He's lonely So I go to school and I come home and I look in there and uh, his Rat Not you brought that to light his white rat with red eyes ate my hamster's face off God, of course it did man. Yeah, dude Eddie gotten with the wrong people

Eddie should have paid the big yeah, so eddy is no longer with Rest in peace eddy. Yeah way to go j Wait the other one wait is j your brother or that or the white? That's what was his rat's name I don't even know it's probably something stupid because he was so into like michael jordan empty hammer It's probably like you act like that's a thing people are into together. You know, he's into michael jordan emcee hammer, you know Sir mix a lot ain't eddy. Yeah, dude. I thought the first left turn was going to come at the cage fighting Yeah, but that would be the craziest thing about you. Yeah, that's not the army not the armadillo and your dresser drawer. Yeah I thought the peacock you grew up within your closet was going to be the weird thing your demon older brother. Jesus christ

It's insane dude. Holy Shit, I was going to ask you if you know how to use chopsticks This guy comes in batting a thousand So no, that's this is a fantastic. What about the vacation situation as a kid? What would that look like? Mmm, not a lot of them. We drive around We'd hit the highway for a couple of miles And then pack it in and go back to I-25 in dember, but uh I'd like to read that report in the fall when you go back to school

I was summer vacation and we drove up a little bit. We drove around. No, he was only road trips. Yeah, regional road trips Yeah, we'd go to uh, like you talk to my aunt lived there Um In the summers I grew up in venice beach because my uncle had a house there. So we we'd go out to venice beach a lot That's in cali in cali. Yeah, that's pretty classy. All right Driver fly you ever been to venice beach? Yeah, especially especially in the 90s Oh, it's probably you ever seen american history x or white man can't jump. That's what I grew up in

It's on the coast, but it you know, that's yeah, it's not a good. I'm not the only one with a peacock Place is wild Yeah, no that makes sense. Would you drive there or fly you'd fly there. Yeah, okay When did you get your passport? Do you remember? Fuck I got my passport Probably senior year high school because we went on we went to cancun for uh, senior trip. That's good That's nice first time ever drank. Okay. Really passed out woke up with a tattoo on my ankle Okay, man. What is it? I had to get a tetanus shot. Yeah, it was uh, like it was like a barcode

I think barcode tattooed on you. Yep, and I didn't know I woke up next morning On my but you know, everyone got drunk and I go in the ocean. I'm like god. Damn my ankle is killing me, dude I looked down. I had like all these numbers on it. I think they were gonna sell me in the sex life And I like to think I would go for pretty top dollar I'm not you know, put receipts on them. I don't think I wasn't this big at the time But you know, I still I'm still doing all right. How to act me. I'll give you that I wasn't a 10, but I was close. He was 15 off. What do you want? I didn't look like the kids from euphoria These kids are all right

What about lunches as a kid? Did you pack your lunch? Did you buy your lunch in high school? Had uh had lunch at the school Okay, so my favorite was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they put extra peanut butter on them They did they were wild the ones they made at the cafeteria. Ours were triple-deckers And it was it was one sandwich of peanut butter and one thick band of jelly. They were phenomenal But nobody really fucked with them I super like I was the one fat kid where I would see peanut butter jelly like yeah Yeah, get all jazzed up over Yeah, because I love the I love the thick peanut butter with the jelly like it was barely any jelly all peanut butter

I'm a big sometimes I'll go just peanut butter. I don't care say last Chunky or creamy you chunkey agree me. Yeah, I like chunky, but it's okay. I'll go either way. I grew up on creamy though It's okay. Um, so I was my favorite and then I then I would uh either ask a buddy or trade them I'd trade like whatever the dessert because I love the strawberry milk So I used to always drink the strawberry. Yeah, I hated that shit. Are you a strawberry milk guy? What the fuck? Yeah, what's it drop a line of his own great? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you can use an sm right now. I'll tell you that right now Uh jobs as a kid

Jobs as a kid. Uh, my first job ever. I was a janitor. I was a janitor at a At a grocery grocery store 16. Yeah first grocery store. Yeah before that I had my own lawnmower lawn mowing business kids a worker. Yeah, I I drew out my own business cards It had a George Jetson on it mowing a lawn because I like to draw I can draw a little bit Okay, so I had George Jetson on there and then I'd go around to neighborhood mowing lawns. Where'd you get the mower? Uh, it was my dad's. Okay. Yeah, I was just a mower. Yeah, that's good money for yourself. All right Shirted off in the summer. Yeah, not too bad brings all the boys to the yard sons out guns out, baby

What'd you go in your sat's? Yeah, how are you as a student? Uh in high school? I think it graduated like a 3 3 3.3 really double double major in college. Whoa Where'd you go to college? Uh, you don't see colorado. Damn. Yeah, that's a good school. Yeah Double major graduated the whole nine yards. Yes. What was the two majors? Uh business and sociology All right An educated man here. It's got you're like a renaissance man. Do it all baby. I guess man What was the first car growing up first car was a truck 4 to 150 red really used Yes, pay for it yourself

Down payment that my dad would help me out from time to time. All right Not too shabby man What was the name of the supermarket you worked at and did your parents shop at that one? Yes, they did. It was in albertons. That's all right. And I was a janitor. They treated me like shit and then I uh I knew I was going down a weird road because you know You remember back in the day when they had like the candy just put in like five cents and take whatever you want. Yeah, I would uh Grab all the candy in the world because I love candy. Sure I have cavities now, so I can't eat it

But I would I'm not gonna fix but I would grab the candy. It's a weird statement. We'll get back to the candy Why aren't you getting your cavities fixed because I'm such a sugar fiend? Like I grew up like I'm addicted addicted to sugar But it hurts my teeth because of the cavities, but I'm losing weight So I'd rather lose weight and not get the cavities fixed So you would eat because you would eat candy because if you got them fixed you would go back to candy. Yes Wow, and I'm down about 25 pounds. Yeah, I don't like it Holy what's your favorite candy? Everybody's gonna hate me after doing this. Uh favorite candy. Uh

This is where I might be a serial killer. I love the good and plenties the the pink and white good and plenties Whoa, my mom's english, so I'm half english. My mom was born and raised in England So I love english candy black licorice the the wine gums, you know all that shit pastiles all this You're like it's good and plenty's and owns peacocks. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you are you a hair bow guy? Yeah, I like here. Yeah the bags of uh, but what I do with those is I leave them out so they get stale I like them real hard. That's why my teeth are fucked up. Whoa This guy's like a shark. That's why I have Richard Ramirez teeth. Yeah, if you've ever seen his teeth I love how like you wear a professional fighter

You've been punched in the head thousands of times and like all of your injuries are not from that You're like my teeth are fucked up not from fighting Yeah, gummy worms You're like, how much it does you that's 15 not from fighting from slipping on the fucking tile wearing cleats. Yeah Jesus god damn gummy bears. That's wild. You like pizza. Yeah, but only a month old Did you have a go-to frozen pizza growing up? Uh tortinos 99 cents okay a combination that weird fake sausage and a little uh, Square cuts of the pepperoni. I don't hate it. I go through two of them those dunkaroos

grew up on dunkaroos dunkaroos in the pack or in the box The little pack right the pack. Yeah, the individual pack. Oh, yeah, beautiful. Yeah, we're not rich, but uh Uh, and then I would uh the toaster strudels Now I would take an ass kicking for this because my brother loved them as well But I love icing when I say I like sugar you don't understand So I would take six icens put on one toaster strudel that my brother'd wake up And I knew it was going to be a fight and I'd lose but it was so worth it I enjoyed I enjoyed that thick icing on that toaster strudel like you wouldn't believe dude

It was worth every ass whipping. I've been against your brother until right now If I rolled into that freezer and you were eating all the icing i'm beating your shit out of you too 100 so aggravate holy But I like how you're like fucking i'll take the beating I have a guy who's been beating your ass. Like I don't care. It's not it's fucking worth it. Let's go Toaster strudel with no icing. Get to any day of the week, dude whoo man Something else. Hmm hacky sack

No That's the thing he hits me over. Yeah, I just saw the fighter shop come out. He was like, what the fuck hacky Uh Did you play do you play sports in high school? Yeah, look look cross in football. Nice. Yeah Very good. Did you have any aspirations of playing in college? Yeah, I play at University of Colorado. You did. Yeah four years Football. Yeah, Jesus christ. Yeah, when you start you start dropping your wider university two years in the jv squad He's always fucking reliving the glory days until a real athlete comes in And you're pretty mom's the fucking word over here fucking d1. Anthony

Yeah, I was a walk on there and then earned a scholarship after a year God damn and then I and then from there I went um to uh the nfl I had a uh cappuccino with the buffalo bills I literally was on the team as long as anybody here was Wait, what's a cappuccino like he had a drink? Okay, it was really a quick shot of cappuccino that we're all set on slow white guys went that makes sense But you were technically on the bills at one point the buffalo bills went to train and count buffalo bills God damn

Holy shit bills mafia. I apologize for the hacky sack Yeah, yeah that offended Lucky doesn't shove you in a locker right now We're into dodgeball That's too busy making out with your girlfriend How's your tetherball game? What's your thoughts on freeze tag? Red light green light How good were you at red rover red rover?

Uh, I got one more on childhood. Uh, what was the name of the mall that you shopped at growing up where you would go Hang out with two of them is aurora mall and buckingham mall With pretty sound pretty good Not really good So aurora mall would be well known because that was the movie theater at that mall that was connected to the shooting Okay, the dark night. So I grew up around the dark night What's interesting about that is then in my childhood apartment that my mom grew up in Across the street literally right behind

Right where we lived behind us was the chuckie cheese that was also shot up by nathan dunlap who went to my high school Yeah, wait, he went to your high school. Yeah, he was old in me. I was a kid But shot that place up and then the guy who got shot in the the face and pretending he was dead and then escaped Came to my apartment smell pond and then that's when they called the cops and all that should happen Damn, holy shit. So I also fucked chuckie cheese, right? That mouse I haven't looked at the origin story of uh, chuckie cheese. No, I don't know why it's out there, but it is dark Really? Oh my I think I did just see something like this on the internet not too long ago. Yeah, it's a dark story. Yeah, uh,

Uh-huh. I yes, I do know now that do it does it does ring a bell Yeah, let's talk about titan tighten tighten tighten that cool little investment app to take out over there Well, they take the guesswork out of it They do it for the experts because I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing wouldn't it be nice instead of going to reddit or going here or going to there Or trying to catch the next thing have experts do it for you Then I guess what? Titans the answer. Yeah, you go to experts when you want something done, right?

You want to you want a high-class meal you go to a high-class chef you're not cooking hot dogs in your apartment No, like a bozo. No, not at all. So why would it be like that when it comes to your investments? Your crypto you're this your retirement the whole nine yards That's why you got to check out titan as everyday investors the cards are stacked against us We've been given access to this marketplace of stocks, but we're competing against Institutional investors with unlimited resources guys that went to harvard. I know Then you're going up against me. Yeah, fox business school graduated 2.3 GPA. Giuseppe's employee of the month 1999 Growing your long-term wealth isn't something you can just do yourself and it shouldn't

And you shouldn't so just sit back and you shouldn't just sit back and shoot for average returns with titan You have a personal investment team that researches and invests for you so that you can aim to outperform the market while giving You court side seat to become a smarter investor along the way They don't know what are we doing if you're out there playing the penny stocks, whatever get involved with titan Even if you're not let them do it. What's going on here? Check out titan if you want to aim to become the smartest wealthiest investor you've ever been It's not saying much for me because I've been fleeced every time I've tried. That's why I'm with titan now So head to titan.com slash garbage to get free 50 dollars to invest with titan

You must use this url or you will not get that free 50 bones do it Uh, and they won't know that we sent you that's 50 bucks when you go to titan.com slash garbage You invest with titan one more time titan.com slash garbage invest with titan This is a paid partnership with titan at the time of the publication. I am not invested in titan strategies Uh, what about now talking about the house? You make a couple of bucks you do all right for yourself You got a lot of jobs. You wear a lot of hats. You do pretty good Pool yeah jacuzzi

How many car garage Three car garage three car garage now. Can you fit three cars in there now or is it filled with shit? No, you can fit three you can pull in three cars. All right. What's the whip these days? What are you rolling around in? Uh, I just saw something. This is where I'm gonna lose the fan base. I uh, I'm a huge car guy Okay, just a little You know background here. I grew up again. My dad pursued happiness His goal in life was to own a 9-11 Porsche So in our living room was a framed picture of a 9-11. So that was my north star

Yeah, don't be ashamed of being successful. Yeah, you fucking busted your ass you climbed out of a roar Are you kidding me? Yeah Walked on to the goddamn buffalo bill fucking wild Don't act like you haven't earned it here. Yeah, so uh, as soon as I as soon as I could forward a 9-11 I bought one so my dad just to burn it Yeah, I bought one and blew it up Take that dad. Yeah. Yeah, it's full of cats In your face my brother's rat who's winning now. Yeah

No, uh, so I bought a 9-11 Susan. I could afford it. I leased that But now I grew up going to car shows. I'm a big gearhead. So now without You know, I'm super blessed. So now I have a uh Uh, f8 Ferrari spider. I have a gt2 rs The richest guy, you know, Porsche. Holy shit A g-wagon 63 That's a tax write-off. That's her irs per se and Aston martin and a uh, uh, Ford Bronco a brand new Ford Bronco Holy what do you whip around in though? If you're running my daily driver. Yeah, my daily driver is the Ferrari right now

Yeah, you're rolling around LA in a fucking Ferrari. Let's go baby. Holy shit. That's fucking awesome to be fair, I work Super hard. You do not have to do not qualify. But but but back to my dad. Um, when so I don't know if you know how Ferrari works. So let's say you we do not. Yeah I've seen I've seen magnum p. I I'll show I'll tell you how keo works if you want to know that I'll school you on keo because I got a I got a nice forte I don't know if you know how far off God, I sound like such an asshole. Please do not it's all you've earned all I do not know how far

You were dead on the money. Maybe there was a gearhead in here, but uh, so let's say One of the four you want a Ferrari you can't go into the fryer dealing by a fryer. You have to be allocated the fryer Now you can but you could if you're a billionaire you can buy it But the markup the the the the market for them is so high So if you want a fryer, you can't get a msrp. The only way to get a msrp Is for friary. Yes, and there's a waitlist. It's around probably 10 years to get on the list So I bought a friary Probably six years ago seven years ago

And I put my name on the list because you have to be a former owner of a fryer to get on the list So I bought a used fryer nothing great just a used fryer put my name on the list It was again 10 15 years to be lit. Hopefully I'm still doing well. I can afford it and then Now I'm good. Thanks. Bye. I'm sorry things aren't going well. That's a tough call to field You're sitting in a two bedroom apartment. Sorry. My mom got caught stealing. I had to bail her out. I can't afford it click no, but I uh I was doing a show at uh, La Jolla comedy store in sand in La Jolla One of my favorite clubs of all time first time doing it first time doing it one of the best clubs

That room nuts it's insane. I don't know what it is. It's crazy. It's the best The stage is great. The room's great. The staff is great. The best one of my favorite nights of comedy I've ever had. Yes one of my very favorite clubs. So I'm there. I don't know like a year ago And I do the the meet and greets after the shows This guy comes up. He has like slick back silver hair dope ass suit nobody wears shows to my You know suits to my show. It's just I'm like, what the fuck's happening there? And he's talking to me and then he goes, you're a car guy, right? Oh, yeah, big car guy He goes, oh, what's your favorite? And I go my favorite car ever made is a gd2 rs. He goes, oh, those are cool

I go, yeah, and he goes, uh, you ever driven one? I go, yeah, I own it man. It's my favorite car. I'm never getting rid of it He's you ever driven a fry? He had a fry his front engine though. I'm talking about it. I'm not my favorite man. He goes, that's a shame And I go, yeah, they're cool though, but you know, I'd rather have a Porsche. He goes, oh cool, man And I go, but you know, I'm waiting to get on the the list I heard it's like a 10 year waiting list. He goes, yeah, it's fucking tough man. All right. Say less dude He leaves Again, I asked to be on that list, you know, I don't know seven years ago. I'm driving down

Somewhere in San Diego. My brother's in the car and we're in my Bronco and I get a call and they go, hey, it's uh Ferrari north america. You got uh allocated a fryer. You you got pushed to the front of the line You got a kid fryer that guy was the head of fryer north america and he was the biggest fan He was just a big fan. Yeah, so I got allocated. I didn't know this the way it works is when they allocate your fryer There's such a waitlist. You literally have like five minutes. I'll take it take it and you gotta have yeah You gotta have all that cash on yeah, bro. Yeah, so I call my business man. I'm like, dude listen I gotta buy a Ferrari right now. I'm like, hey, I just it's an investment We can flip this thing in a year like but either way I gotta get it done. He's like, I guess man, you know

so Got it done and then uh, do you get a choice of what kind of Ferrari again? They go we have this it's coming off the boat from idly and it do you get to choose? No, because you just want your foot in the door So you're gonna take whatever because once you get that you can go to wherever the next allocation And is it that year's model? Yeah, it's a brand new one brand new at msrp So it just so happened if I were to buy a fryer and design it myself to a t It had if I was designing it, it'd be this exact got lucky and got the one

It was because my favorite color in cars is uh, like uh dark green like british green because my mom's british So I grew up loving dark green cars. So it's a dark green fry Which you never see with tobacco leather and it's the spider. So it's convertible So it was literally it was just so strange. So uh When I and then they're like, all right, it's gonna arrive in whatever six weeks. So I called my dad I had booked you a ticket on this day. He was for what? I go, don't ask. You don't see your grandkids and I got something cool to do So my dad arrives. He has no idea why he's there

And we drive down to San Diego to pick it up in San Diego. So we're driving down my dad's like, where the fuck are we going? We're arguing the whole time like God damn it. Do me and my dad are like two fucking simies fish man. We get together like especially when politics and covid We just fight. Yeah, so we're fighting the entire way. I'm like, would you shut the fuck up? Blow your mind I'm trying to show you. I love you. Yeah, so we get there and we walk in fries. What the fuck and they have my car there with uh Like a veil over it like a red veil There you go. I bought this then I bought from telling jokes on stage, which you told me was a bad idea

I bought this fucking fry from telling jokes on the road man And they fucking ripped it off and he was just like My dad's not emotional dude and he was fucking that's fucking we make him ride the bus home Yeah So take an uber door. He took a four hour long uber back. Well, I had a great time in the Ferrari. Yeah, I made it in 20 minutes Yeah, that's wild. What about boats? You got any boats? No boats. No helicopters bad investment. Yeah. No, it's all about investment Smart with your money. He's right. So I see yeah, right. Yeah Votes are money pets. Yeah a Ferrari's an event a car a nice car is an investment

This kid's fucking I'm telling you right now flying first class. I assume Mm-hmm. Good man. Good man. If you had to choose between a slurpee or an icy, what are you going with? Oh, fuck. I love both of my son's balls deep in slurpees right now. Okay. That's all he wants The original slurpee's nice Oh, man, the coca-cola slurpee. This is a tough one dude. Coca-cola icy nothing to shake a stick at. Yeah, I'll take icy though I grew up on icy. Yeah, okay. My son likes slurpees now Those 7-elevens are dicey dude. That's that's why I never Even I got a Ferrari up front

Even as a kid, I didn't like the I didn't like the slurpee just because the 7-elevens were so dirty The 7-elevens were so we grew up with wah-wah, which was like nicer and cleaner. Would you grow up outside of Philly? Gotcha. So I love Philly. Yeah, one of my favorite cities. I'm there in may nice two weeks Go check them out. Come on. Let's go. Yeah, the helium. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The helium is great before we move on too far from the car. Do you eat in the Ferrari? Never You eat in any of the cars the Bronco, maybe the Bronco. I treat like uh, like a hotel. I'll wipe my hands in the sheet That's your that's your mom off in the corner. Yeah, I like those new Broncos too. The Broncos are so fun That's your bomber. You don't mind trash. That's that's my daddy wagon

Like my kids can go in the back and take the top off. They love it in LA. It's fucking dope, man Take the top off. It's cool. What's the maintenance process on the cars? Who's cleaning them? Are you cleaning them on a Saturday afternoon? Do you have somebody to come in? How do you clean a Ferrari? Yeah, I when you can't just take the car wash I clean myself And then the other cars we have a service every depends if if I'm not as busy. I'll clean all of them I love washing cars. I grew up washing cars. I love doing it But if it's busy, we have a guy comes. All right, but he doesn't touch the other cars. Yeah, okay

Yeah, that's pretty crazy Have you ever microwaved bacon? Oh, yeah, is that your go-to? What's your preferred method of cooking bacon? Uh in in the frying pan like a goddamn gentleman, of course Thank you. Finally some sense to this guy, but my mom would we grew up on microwaved bacon. Oh, yeah Disappointing it's good stuff. It's the worst way. He does it It's disgusting You have a favorite salad dressing I mean, I don't like salads and jump poppy seed

Okay, that's a first right there. That's pretty fucking this guy can't get a read on this guy. That's pretty clear That's pretty weird. I mean he's got ostriches. He's Poppy seed salad dressing now when you say you only eat red meat You're telling me that like what what what would it be a typical dinner if you were home at the house? Uh, I'll usually grill or order uh from postmates, but I'll grill like uh a filet or a t-bone or something Okay, and just that just that what kind of grill are we talking? What do you got? What's the grill trigger? Uh, you know, it's uh viking grill. Yeah, it's all right the pool. Yeah Now the place is it is it built in is there like it's built in it's built like there's the the hard rock around it

Holy shit, my brother's got that. It's pretty classy. It's pretty class. Did you build this house? Or did you guys buy it? It was already it was already there bought it made some uh upgrades to it Nice full basketball court like full-sized basketball court. We in it or outside In the backyard. Okay. There's a inside my mind was gonna be no. I'm not drake I'm not doing that. Can we be best friends? There's also cracks on the court. Yeah, don't get twisted. I want my kids to be somewhat humble and it's a chain net. Yeah Don't forget where you fucking came from my son's like that way of chain net Yeah

Holy like fucking rucker park. All right In the kitchen. Is it what what's the fridge sub-z viking? What are you stainless everything's viking you stainless steel? Yeah, yeah, okay All right Washer and dryer in the house. Yeah If it came with a basketball court not a washer and dryer, I'd be fucking furious. There's no bathroom You don't realize until it's like the first time to do longer you've got the polo field right out there Huh, all right His and her sinks in the bathroom and you're he's got a fucking basketball court. Yeah, he's got his and her

You fucking idiot That shows the man some goddamn respect. We're gonna walk in closet too. I guess. Oh, yeah, do you? He's probably got a closet for watches Do you have a lot of watches you have windows? You see out the windows, right Show the man some goddamn respect Damn, that's awesome. The hacky sack thing Who cuts the grass you cut in the grass yourself you got a landscaper

Nice, but I enjoy cutting grass. Nothing makes nothing gives me like throwback memories and like fresh cut grass Do you have the mower there too? You have your own mower. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Okay. We got a toro. What are you rocking? Do you know? Whatever Home Depot sells How to get on a list to get it You can't just buy it's a six year waiting list. It's a riding mower with a v12. Yeah made by lamborghini Cut the grass in two minutes. It's awesome. It's a it's a Bentley. Yeah Will you sneak snacks into the movie theater?

No, I buy them you buy them. I grew up sneaking snacks. Yeah. Yeah You still go to the you go to the grocery store where you go and get the order for the week Yeah, okay You hook the kids up with the snacks they like and all that kind of stuff Cause I grew up on sugar and I know Especially where I live in Calabasas. It's like You know, that's where you live. Yeah, the parents are worried about like sugar and shit But I said I grew up on sugar

Clearly have an issue with it because I won't get my cavities fixed, but I turn out all right Hey, you're killing it. What are you talking about? After talking about this podcast. I guess a major issue Yeah, there's some shit you got to go back and dig into but you know all in all you're doing all right for yourself My therapist is like Jesus Christ You sleep with your socks on No That'd be insane Yeah, we're just checking. I don't know. He almost hit you dude. No, no my socks on. That's crazy. Yeah

Do you have sex with your socks on? No Huh Do you own any boot cut jeans? Absolutely not. Okay. Did you ever own any Ed Hardy stuff? Yes. I had one Ed Hardy shirt. Just one, huh? Yeah, just one really what's the suit situation at the house probably pretty proper the suit Because I used to work for a Bravo knee so I used to have to host the grand Yeah, you do a lot of that stuff. Yeah, and so they'd make me all these tailored suits. Damn I didn't have to pay for them though. Don't get twisted. That's still cool though

It's cool. If you I guess if I have an event to go to which I don't I'll look pretty cool if I do. Do you know how to tie a tie? I presume. Yeah, bow tie you tie a bow tie No, no, those are so I can't wrap my fucking every wedding I go to I try It's like a Rubik's Cube Um, how do you sleep? How many pillows do you use when you sleep when you actually go to sleep? Minimum three pillows. How do you do behind the head one behind the head one over the eyes hugging the other nice Yeah, I just keep on my side. He's a loose cannon. If you're a pillow hugger, you got issues Because I'm one myself more anxiety. Oh, yeah, my anxiety is through the roof. Yeah

What booze helps with that Will you pee in the shower? Oh, yeah, brush your teeth in there. Oh, yeah, I'll do everything all at once in the shower I'll pee in the shower, but I also My it's a bad example for my son, but I'll get out of the car. I gotta pee. I'll piss right in our fucking yard, dude I'll pee wherever. Yeah, there's something about peeing outside But no one can see it. It's not like the neighbors can see you, right? Yeah I mean, I was in Venice the other day and I had to be so bad and I had to do this photo shoot I just pissed dude

That's a little like right behind ground works coffee on main street And some guy walked by but I appreciate the bugs. There's so many bums. Yeah Like I'm doing you guys a favor. You're lucky. You're getting a look at a real one. Not one of these homeless wieners out there It's better than shit. Be cool, man. Oh But there's something about peeing outside. I feel like a hell's angel. Yeah, it feels it feels dicey. It's really cool What's the soap situation using a bar using uh something fancy gel? What do you got? I don't trust the three-in-one shampoo body washing condition. It's all okay. It's insane Uh, I forget my the the the the it smells good. It's like a body wash. I don't use a separate shampoo

But it's like a body wash. You can use it to like clean your tables too. You know what I'm talking about? No It looks all weird. It's super old school. Oh, I don't know it. Yeah Sounds like you're taking a shower with spick and span to be honest with you. Basically. Yeah, I don't know what that is It's my favorite though. You can clean the wood with it. Yeah, do you you you can mop your floors with it Brush your teeth. What is that pledge? Yeah gets paint off walls. Hmm Uh Have you ever worn a kangle hat? Listen, man

Hey, hey I love you guys. You guys seem like good guys. You guys are my favorite, but not get the fuck off The hacky sack strike one the sock strike two the kangle hat. No, I don't have one I don't have one. See where we stand. Next question. Have you ever owned a fooboo shirt? What is happening right now? Do you have a high school class ring and if so, did you wear it? No, never got one. Okay I had a big 12 championship ring in college. There you go. Never wore it though. My dad still has a sweet. He's holding it hostage That's great. Did you wear your uh letterman jacket in high school? Yeah, hell. Yeah

That's that that's my batman outfit Uh, hmm. Do you remember the how old were you the first time you had lobster? Shit Older older, right? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah Lobster You like to go out to expensive dinners now you go out to a nice dinner. Now I do. Yeah Yeah, it's it's that that's one thing I will do. Yeah, let's do this It's what went on the road like with my team like you really work so hard

If if we have time we'll go to a good dinner time of hawk steaks Whatever they want. Nice. Yeah, you ever been to salt base place or anything like that. I've been to salt base Really salt base in LA. Did he come to the table and do the thing? Here's the thing about that He's he you know, I think he's in miami full time. So he opened this place up and uh I Hate to go about it. The steak was shit, dude It was so expensive and the guy comes to the table and he goes do you want a gold plated steak? I hurry. Yeah, we were talking about

We think it's whack dude. It was I don't know the steak. I was like 1100 bucks. Oh, why would I want fucking gold? Yeah, no shit the fuck out of here. All right. You mean foil mother fucker Yeah, yeah, no, I don't want the aluminum foil and here's the thing. I hate like attention if I'm on stage I don't want any attention. Oh, I do not want the I want to be invisible most. Yeah Yeah, so this place like such a scene which I hate so Murray on edge I'm there with my wife and her her friends. It's actually my son's best friend's parents who we love But we're all there and when you order a steak It's like, you know when you do red robins your birthday and go who's birthday?

Whatever you're saying they do it for everybody. So this fucking guy this like fake salt day comes to the table with salt dude like a huge thing of salt and he Throws it on the steak and it goes everywhere all I'm like what in the fuck fuck and then he cuts it and they're filming it Of course, there's some fucking Dweeb they're filming it and they goes to feel it's not happening. Yeah Where are we doing? I can't I can't be on camera. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna deep throat this time That's crazy. They do that shit all I don't get that. Yeah, that's no thing. Oh, I asked him I went hey, dude, if I come here again, can I pay you not to do this? Yeah, can you just give me my food?

That's insane. Yeah, it's a spectacle. Is it chucky cheese, dude? Um, all right, I got one for you say we're speaking of restaurants are big here going out to dinner Especially now that we're making a couple of bucks. We you know, you guys are balling. We're trying to we're trying to figure it out We feel like I'm the only one selling tickets. No. Oh, no. No, we're we've had an amazing year But like let's say, you know, you were just with uh, schultz you say or you know, even christie day say Say you and schultz you go out to dinner, right? Just you two Checks, how's that check being handled? I'll pay for it every time. Yeah every time Yeah, yeah, okay. No. No splitting of the check. No

No, you sneak away because you know, he's gonna also As soon as the waiter comes like if it's around like and I can tell he's done I'll just give him my card. Don't even look at the check. That's real classy right there. I always pay. Yeah I never expect anybody to pay if you get to a place and you sit down when you change tables Never. No, I'll just take it. Yeah, it could be the shittiest seat in the house You call it give your manager or somebody call ahead and say hey We want a private room or something like that or you just roll in I the only time I ever had to flex like that, which is the biggest asshole move was is my girl's birthday in her favorite restaurant

This is actually last saturday. They were like booked for three months. And that's the only time I hit up my manager Like do you gotta figure something? Yeah calling a favor. Come on. You gotta you gotta do it Baby, what are you kidding me? But bro, this isn't hollywood and they're robbing people down there and shit So I'm stressed out my anxiety is insane fellas. So I'm the I'm on you try to take the bronco to that one Yeah, don't pull up in the fucking no, I don't want to drive the Ferrari. I'm like, oh you're fucking Do you not see the news? I know you watch telemundo. I see it on telemundo. It's all over. She's mexican So, uh, we pull up there my anxiety is through the fucking roof the security guy comes out and he's like, you know

Big fan man, but and so I'm like, oh this guy likes my comedy, right? And he's taking us up there and he's like if I can do anything. I loved you on the bill. Yeah He goes, you know, he's like a huge fan man. We got you. When's the next fight? It's about to be right now But to tune you up before the appetizer you're insulting us. Hey, bitch. I do six shows a week on pocket I mean, no, yeah, that's tough. Well, you take and here's the thing I I you know, I wanted to tip him because he took care of us got us to see anything And I only had this isn't a flex broken paid me for doing this show

Flex we want you to please, you know, I only had a million dollar bill on me Dude, I only had I only had hundreds on me. So I go, hey, man, I appreciate it. And I was like, oh, yeah Have a good day. I've changed. Yeah. Yeah I'm making a five back Yeah, what is the tip situation? I imagine it's probably usually pretty hefty You throw down I'll throw down and uh, like if I do the sets at the comic store laugh factor improv Any cash they give me I always give to the door guys. Yeah, I've never taken I've never took payment in LA for shows Yeah, that's good. When I very first started when I need the money at that time

I'd always give it to the door guys or uh up and coming comics. Yeah, you got to take care of those door guys at the clubs For sure. Yeah, you gotta get a complete asshole if you don't. Yeah. Well, you take leftovers home from the restaurant Very rare Because I listen dude, you eat it. I eat it. Yeah, if you don't like it. I'm not eating it. I'm not taking home You know, if I don't like it, I mean like on my special the gringo poppy, you know, I was shot in october, man It's almost 270 pounds like I get big if I don't watch it now. I'm like 245 on the carnival good your trim Yeah, great on that gringo poppy is all thick. Haha. He's up there sweating baby to edit that thing Watching you listen to yourself. How come somebody was like, hey, bro. Do you think you want to lose some weight in the face?

Yeah, like fucking awful. Mm-hmm. It's tough. Yeah No sweating on some You have a preferred eggs benedict. You like eggs benedict. No, not for me. Really? No What's your normal breakfast if you're going out to breakfast? I fast I like I guess I haven't eaten a single thing today and it is 730 here I usually fast so I do all my shows in the morning. So I fast again. I have eight shots of espresso I have two coffees before I leave the house and get eight shots of espresso

Then I'll have like a rain energy drink while I do the podcast I'm telling you enjoy enjoy the company Four years of this shit. So I'm gonna die any second, but uh, I usually don't eat till about two o'clock So I haven't had breakfast. I don't know how long okay, I am bro. You have weaponized anxiety Yeah, my anxiety's in charging it up every morning. Yeah That's it's sick. Honestly. It's working. Yeah, thanks, man. You keep any magazines in the bathroom? Uh, I always bring I I do have a uh Membership of the man. I like old school shit. So like I don't subscribe to social media. I have it

I post and ghost you and true that people on the go. I post and ghost I haven't seen a comment or anything in probably three to four years. Okay. I don't see anything. It's good stuff Let's go. I don't subscribe to that stuff But I do like I you know doing what I do I always have something to talk about and have opinion on it So I have all the newspapers and magazines So I'll bring that into the bathroom, but I don't have them in the bathroom. They all get delivered to the house all the papers and stuff Nice

Not too bad. It's all right. Do you snore? I'm sure Look, look at me. Yeah, and and I'd nose surgery too. I uh when I was a UFC fighter I had my nose shattered by Mirko Crocop through an elbow And it shattered my nose in like 70 different places so that they go up there and fix it gave me a nose job Still can't breathe. I'm a little overweight. Let's be fair. So I'm sure I snore Yeah, I feel like a breathe right strip might help. Okay. Yeah, I try them. They don't work for me I'm a mouth breather though. Me too. So it's like my mouth is always dry. Yeah. This is the first one I've had in years

Yeah You guys have any espresso? What's going on? Dude, I drink 12 diet coats 12 diet coats a day with big dc guy myself. Yeah, I can't get enough. I think we're best friends. You, me and trump, buddy Because he's in good shape. Yeah, uh, have you ever owned a butterfly knife? Oh, yeah Now we're getting to the good stuff. Yeah, num chocks. Chinese stars all shit when you were a kid Uncle charlie would buy it for me. Yeah, we'll buy it for the map. Uncle charlie for sure

Uncle charlie buy it. He's a truck driver full-sleeve tattoos. That's why I have tattoos grandpa had full sleeves He has full sleeves your grandpa had full sleeves. Damn. That's a trend center original dirt bag Yeah, this runs D. Yeah That's why I want to bless you. Yeah, they're both truck drivers hardcore dudes military my entire family's military but back to the butter knives he would uh If you remember back in the day, the magazines would have them could call I don't know why the worst customer service in the world. You would take 12 weeks to run Yeah, I would forget. Yeah, I would forget it. I'm forgetting to show them. Oh, shit when we were to fucking brass knuckles

I'm 11. Yeah, keep it out of your brother's hands. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, don't let my brother get hold of these I mean Yeah, uncle charlie. Do you have any other anyone in your family who call by not their name by not like? Yeah, yeah It's a british thing. So, uh, ant nubby ant nubby Call her nub nubster Did she have ham? Yeah That'd be offensive if she didn't

ant nubby She was she was fantastic. She was almost the mom to us like she was doing that watch this baby says when I was a kid Would buy us burger king every day She didn't have the money to buy us burger king would burger king be your preferred fast food all day I'll argue anybody in here dude a whopper with cheese and ketchup only name a better fucking fast food burger daddy I think we're about to get into it boys. What do you got big man big man's a mcdonald's guy What do you do? What do you? What are you a quarter pounder fan?

A royale with cheese. What are they quarter pounders fatty? What do you come out with the big mac? What do you got man? I have a lot of respect I'm gonna tell you right now I have a lot of respect for the whopper a lot of respect Got it, but I mine mine would always 100 come with a lot of mayonnaise Are you not a mayonnaise guy? No, sir at all at all hate it. We hate it hate it disgusting I'm a big horseradish guy Whoa, but but like real fucking spicy horseradish just straight like not like in a cream sauce or something

If you put you know, you make cocktail sauce with ketchup and cocktail 100 I put the most Horseradish me too. I love it. I like it to burn the senses. Well, you do make me feel a lot Will you do oysters? You like oysters on the half show guys to the max on everything? I know everything's so intense Holy I might be where the anxiety is coming from. Yeah, I love it though. The nicotine helps as well with the anxiety Oh, yeah, it's I mean, I'm gonna change smoke. So your anxiety gives gets my anxiety going. I'm all charged up To max I didn't sleep a fucking wink because I read all the news I get all those papers and they're trying to scare you with cartel and kidnappings So my girl's like go to bed. I'm like, I can't I can't so I was gotta be on the lookout

Yeah, yeah, I was like who's gonna watch the fucking kids and also kidnappings or through the roof She's like, who the fuck's kidnapping you're big. Yeah, no shit. Who's coming in also? Yeah, I've been like robbing batman's house Are you kidding me? Yeah, drive out through a waterfall or something Oh, I got a couple more here, but I think I'm what you got man I mean, I could do this all night by the way. Hmm. Have you ever owned cargo sweatpants? Yes in high school. Yeah Before I knew there were racists if you watched that that was a wild documentary any feel about surprise parties

hate them I'd imagine the lights off people jumping out and scaring it That's how I get My CT flares up man, I don't like that. Uh, have you ever had a manicure? No, I've had a pedicure on my foot because I'd ingrown toenail That's that's medicinal and the asian girl kept going. Oh, you big big feet big feet. What size shoe you're rocking 13 13 wide See Do you have name brand luggage?

Uh, is a way name. Yeah, that's probably was it a sponsor at some point or no? No. Oh, okay I got show times that when I used to work for show time I left them started my own company but I used to work for show time for five years And they would for a christmas semi luggage that said show time on it. There you go And that's what you're using. Yeah, do you're you're currently using branded free luggage? Yeah, it's trashy ever have an earring. Yeah Never no earrings never no earrings. All right, and if you had pizza And I you keep it tight, but if you had pizza do you eat your crust or not eat the crust? I definitely eat the crust. Okay, I'll get a side of marinara and dip it in the fucking

Yeah, okay becomes a bread that checks out my favorite pizza in new york is uh prince Prince tree pizza. Okay. Good. It's good. Now. I'm a joes man typically you guys are to hate me for this But you're not from new yorks will be cool Hey, man, whatever you say. Yeah, nobody hates you You're among friends here. Yeah, I make you brother. We invited everybody hates you We love you We're having a nice time. Yeah, take it easy man. I just said when these was a little better That's all I said, man

I just said I prefer the milkshakes and shakesack. I just said the best western's bad slightly better, man. Be cool Same hotel six pussy same hotel six Are you sunglass, man? I like some here's the thing about sunglass. I had uh lacy uh vision correction Uh-huh when the side effects is your eyes are super sensitive to light So I do a show called foo truck diaries and it's outside People are like, oh, you think you're fucking nicolas cage with sunglass all the time. No, I can't see in the light So I have to have sunglasses on and at night one of the bad things through you got it corrected at night Everything's kind of blurry. So it I just figured there's fog all the time in la. I didn't know there's not fog

This guy's driving in a fucking smoke storm At a hundred miles an hour in a fucking ferrari anxiety ferrari and eight shots of espresso On 15 lattes Playing the instruments I feel like the way you said that I wish Anyone in your family ever represent themselves in court Oh I've been saving that one for like six months, dude

Absolutely not Can you whistle? Yeah, can you whistle with your fingers? No, I wish I could Can you wink both eyes? Oh, like this. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. Um double joint it anything like that. I wish I feel like it was cool. It was cool. Like elementary Yeah, you're like, holy shit, dude. It was hot. Yeah, that's been Hmm. Can you name any of the guys from pawn stars? Oh, I watched that show when it's from time to time. I always want to buy stuff. I know I like to go in and buy

But can I have that samurai sword? For 17 grand. Yeah. Yeah, can I have that sword? He's watching. Yeah. Pawn stores and going, I'll get that fucking samurai sword in the back Side by Elvis. I could use that silver work hand. Like man, that'd be Robert De Niro eight by 10 signed. It'd be sick in my house You have a man cave at the house? Uh, the yeah, it sounds like I'm right. We have a theater. It came with a movie theater So all my comedy stuff like pictures at the store and the improv It's all framed and like my special posters are there. That's great. Then, you know, my Heroes are like Jim Carrey and Adam Saylor

To have cool paintings of Adam Saylor and Jim Carrey. Nice. Do you have any paintings of yourself in the house? No, sir Uh, my girl might have some in the garage for my fight day. Okay. That's yeah You walked in the house. You won't know I fought like I put all that stuff in the garage No trophies or anything like that laying around. Okay All right, don't give trophy pretty good. He's a real interesting not literally Yeah, it's belch you fucking idiot Trophies. Yeah. Here's your medal, Brendan. What the fuck? No, there's no trophies. Hey, my name fell off. What's going on here? Just my fourth grade pop water. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that. He's an interesting mix

Tell you that I I mean I I have I'm ready to render my I mean better be able to say he's trash. Yes, of course. Yeah, you are trash. Yeah, you had a big bird You didn't know what kind of was and you kept it in the closet You would do dine and dash with your mom. I mean you wore spikes to class. It's crazy But you're put together. I'm sure the house is probably spotless all the time. Oh, yeah Yeah, you keep everything tight. Yeah, you do everything nice. Yeah, you're doing well. It's great. You're all fucking hardware It's I fucking I love it. Yeah, it's great. But yeah, you're garbage. You're 100 third bank. How many people have you? You have an aunt nubby. I got

Yeah, an uncle char Yeah, and a hamster named eddie. Oh, yeah, I forgot about heady the heady the hamster Yeah, McGregor cleats. I think that's where it went south. Yeah, you didn't start. Yeah, you weren't starting off strong Man, if I was in elementary school and saw a kid walk in with cleats, I don't know. I'd think I'd move schools or something Jesus Christ. Yeah. So that's some records, fellas Brendan Shaw everybody How many people have you had on here that aren't trash That's that's kind of a load of quit. Your story was insane. Yeah, that's a proper off the wild one

Yeah, I mean, we've definitely had wild stories, but like front to back. I mean just from like The stories as a childhood then you've you're an accomplished fighter. You walked on to the fucking bills You're a successful podcaster and stand up can be like you've really I mean, you're like the farthest gump of fucking, you know Entertainer that's crazy same IQ. Yeah That's what's crazy, man This whole career is make a wish. Yeah. Love you guys go watch the special go watch the special Anything else you want to let the folks out there now special the green go poppy. It's on my own youtube thick boy YouTube is the channel. It's on there now. It's all shot edited. Everything's my team. We all did everything

Fucking the way to go is fucking kill all these pussies. You know yourself, baby I'll be in uh, charlotte this thursday friday saturday the comedy zone and then uh, philly is after that Philly go out and see the fucking kid go see him man. Absolutely Check it out kippy. What do you got for same thing check us out on the road? Thanks for listening when you fucking appreciate everything. What an episode buddy. We love you. Thank you Yeah, you guys are the best man. Appreciate it. We'll see you next week. Peace