Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Bret Ernst!

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Are You Garbage Podcast interviews stand up comedian & actor Bret Ernst! You know Bret Ernst from stand up comedy, This is Not Happening, Bertcast, Cobra Kai, LOS, Kill Tony, HoneyDew Podcast w/ Ryan Sickler, Specials like, Domesticated Animal, Principal's Office, and his new special Bret Ernst Uncaged OUT NOW! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG & Friends Tickets! https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Dollar Shave Club: https://dollarshaveclub.com/GARBAGE Promo Code: Garbage Smalls: https://Smalls.com/GARBAGE Promo Code: Garbage Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it after group to be classy Yeah, just a big old piece of trash

I'm your host a truly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition I just saw her in the garage with a leaf blower and a four loco. Okay what she's getting into all right sounds good trouble My coach is coming at you from right next to me kind of a swing in the midst this week He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in a wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody Everybody thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you review subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube then obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbage guy and go over there get all the bonus content Yes, sir and gang we could not be more excited of our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest backless again today

It's been a minute. He's one of the best one of the cleanest one of the sharpest guys in the room You know him from Cobra Kai which the sixth season is about to drop and he's got a brand new special out right now At which comedy TV YouTube page uncaged give it up for the one the only Mr.. Brett Ernst everybody look at I can't get over how how you guys grew up We were zoom mortgage to the eye Yeah, oh, yeah, and now you got your own little candy dispenser I brought that from home got a fucking knight over my shoulder. Well the whole idea with this studio was like what would a dirtbag who hits the lottery,

what would they make the room? It was this. They had a beer cork. It was like get a full-size knight. It's like a damn homage to Foley. The glory days of one couple picks up there. A young handsome Foley with a jawline. He wasn't a varsity athlete, what did he mean to put up there? You never had the makings? You never had the makings of a varsity athlete. You're a varsity athlete in a school with 300 people relax All right, my graduating class was 340. That was your weight at the time. But all right, I know that cuz I was 339 That was already framed by the way Iain Warren, by the way. I signed that, put that up on eBay. Kidding me? Buddy, congrats on the new special.

Thanks, man. On Cage. It's the third part of the trilogy, right? Yeah, man. You know, yeah, I didn't mean it to be because like the first one I shot because, you know, not bragging, but I was the first to do the YouTube thing. Yeah. Very first special. And then followed it up with

domesticated animal, but then I didn't plan on getting divorced. So this became the third, but then I'm done with the trilogy. I'm just going back to observational shit. You guys ever been on a plane? I forgot about the divorce. It's been so long. Let's catch up a little bit. You're living living you're out in Vegas Yeah, move there in 2020 and what do you got? You got a house? You got an apartment? I bought a condo man cuz well prior to that cuz I was in LA forever and then bought a house in Ohio Which huh? Why that's where she was from and plus I you know I got a 4000 square foot home on an acre of land for like $400. 187 a month out the door, dude.

Wait, so that's where you were based for a little while. How long were you guys married? We were together almost 12 years, but we were married maybe five. And just shit went south. But the cool part was we signed. He's got such an Italian way of breezing over. Shit went south, so I'm outta Yeah, you know, it was uncomfortable because I don't know.

Well, we were like separated in the same house. We had to move out and live in the other room. So I was like, fuck it, let it. That's your master bedroom. You were her. Who do you think? Who do you think got the house? Who do you think got the master bedroom? She got the whole fucking place.

So you were in the guest room? I was yet down the hall. But what do you think got the master bedroom? She got the whole fucking place. So you were in the guest room. I was down the hall. But what do you put in there? Was there like a king size bed? Well, the thing that sucks, I'll show you the video. The house is gorgeous. He puts his posters up and shit. That pisses me off.

No, for real. Yeah, I had my Don Mattingly poster up. Were you having broads over? Those old 80s. What was the bobblehead? No, the models to remember the ones that were the fat heads or whatever. No, no, no. Talk about chicks. Oh, like the centerfold. You know, like what were their names?

They had all the Sandra Cotain. They had all the hot models back then, the chicks from like Baywatch or whatever. Sure. Anyways, we, we, we, I ruined that. No, so I was living in the other room and you know, I put a lot, cause when you buy a house, I'm like, okay, we moved to Ohio. Cause you know, you plan on having kids and I don't want to fucking raise a family on like sunset in Doheny.

You know what I mean? And uh, which we, you know, obviously we didn't add the kids, but I just, you know, you do everything in the house. You know what I mean? You get it all set up. Well, I was grounding the outlets, putting the drywall up in the basement. You were doing all that?

Well, yeah, and then my- You got a body come over. Well, I actually flew my friend in from South Philly. Jesus Christ. And then, I'm dead serious. Like the wolf. My boy Vinny from Ionelli's Bakery on Pass Young. Shout out to Ionelli's Bakery on Pass Young Gav.

Great tomato pies and crab gravy. You do go down to Pass Young Gav a bunch. I see on your Instagram. Shout out to Pass Young Gav. I like the food there. I have some friends down there. I flew him out, doing the Thailand, everything's going great. I'll show you the video at the house.

It was stunning. Then shit just went south. And then I, so anyways, long story, born, signed the divorce papers April 8th. I mean, on the balls of my ass, like 1200 in my account, I'm 48 sleeping on my mother's couch. And then- Where was that at? Where's your mother at?

In Florida. In Florida, you went down to Florida, gotcha. I was in Florida for COVID, you couldn't have been in a fucking bed. They gave zero fucks. It was like spring break down. Oh, yeah. They didn't give a shit. It was just you and mom during COVID. Me and Carol hanging out. And then I get a call from my agent that Cobra Kai got picked up by Netflix.

That's crazy. After that, I got a fucking nice check. Took out an SBA and got the fuck out. Oh, SBA loan? Yeah. Wait, what? What? I did, I- I got collateral now, dog. I was such a guido.

Ma, if anybody calls, say Brent Earnt Industries, all right? It's a late-tax distribution facility you got here. Type on the computer what somebody calls. Dude, and then I bought a car, you know? What kind of car did you buy? Cadillac. Oh, dude, you are a Guido Durkac. Wait, still living at your mom's?

Yeah, no, this is when I got the Vegas. But anyways, long story. What kind of caddy? I got, well, right now I just got the 2025, the CT5. How you doing? Man, dude, Italians love a nice Cadillac. Because I don't make the CT6 anymore. I would have went up a model.

2025. But I love how he feels he has to say, I couldn't get the CT6. It'll make it no more. Oh, man. Anyway, so bought the condo out there because the house, you know, that was my point. I'm not going to own a house again.

It's a lot of work. Right. I mean, let's say, you know, get married, but I can't see that at this age. And then. Always the optimist long how long were you guys separate? How long were you in the house and you guys are separated like a month and a half? Okay. All right Yeah, she was uncomfortable sure cooking and shifts. Yeah You're waiting for noise to die down

You're eating in your room You just feel the awkwardness in the house of a relationship dead. Had you filmed the pilot for Cobra Kai at this point or no? We were on season two. Well, we were about to. We were season two because we originally shot it for the YouTube Red. Yes, it was like YouTube. Yes, yes, yes.

Which they changed the name to YouTube Premium because everybody kept saying Red Tube. Red Tube, which is a pornographic film distribution service And then so when Netflix picked it up then we you know We because we never aired season 3 on YouTube it the season 3 went on Netflix and they shot three more That's great. They would have kept going too, but the producer I mean, you know, they were like, alright, you know six seasons is good That's great. How many more tournaments can we do? How many more teenage kids can we have fighting battles for middle-aged men? That's wild man

You're at your mom's you got 1200 bucks on you the fucking show hits and you're out of there You moved to Vegas get the caddy good night Well, Kobe killed me too because all the income I have was you're a big road dog. Yeah, I love doing a road Yeah, and then um but Florida stayed open, so I was making a little scuttle doing one-nighters. You know? But you know, here's how I look at things, man. Like I've always, you know, shit happens.

Sure. You know what I mean? Cause people get all upset about life. She said it is what it is. You just gotta fucking deal with it, you know? and then, but yeah, it just worked out. Picked up a couple of residencies in Vegas and just been chilling there. There you go.

Love that. I fucking love it. How's the condo? You like the condo life? Yeah. Community pool? Yeah. You hit it?

You hit the pool? Yeah, I mean it's there. Yeah. In theory, it's like I will be there every day. Yeah, every day. Yeah, that fucking first two months, you go twice. Then you're like, fuck this. What's the what's the clientele living there?

Is it younger people, older people, some older people, young? I mean, I like quiet, man. Sure. You know, like even when I lived in L.A., I was in a Gora Hill. I'd rather drive and then to the to the shit and then leave. God, when you're younger, you know, you love you love. You want to be in the mix and how to neighbors? People upstairs tend to be a little loud. Are you currently in a beat? That's a big thing Are you in a beef with any neighbor at the moment knock on wood now, but I grew up in apartments. They don't want to fuck around

Seriously, I never had a house until I bought my first house. I grew up single mom, you know, three of us, one room, me and my two brothers. And then, you know, but we know I know apartment politics and sure tricks, you know, but he's fucking crazy. I love it. No, you don't fuck around. I know. No, for sure. Dude, I got I used to love the job. But you guys grew up in houses, right? Yeah. Apartments were fun to be a kid in, man. We used to play in the elevator shaft in the shaft

Yeah, like what you do is you you emergency stop the elevators Everybody did he's dropping on top of the elevator and fuck around at one time. What yeah Don't say yeah, like that's what everybody you guys are's doing What if somebody got in the elevator and started going up? No, you emergency stop it Oh, okay People were pissed So one time I took Nevermind

I found this like I don't know what they use it for It was like a cable rope but it was flexible And it was yards of it So what me and my little brother did is we tied the doors together because they opened in and we pulled the fire alarm so people couldn't get out. By the way, that's a felony.

Yeah. It was the 80s. I had no idea. I thought it was just funny. Holy shit. Are you shopping at the house? Are you cooking a lot? I always cook, yeah.

Always. I can't bake, but I cook. And I got a grill. I like that. Yeah, I like that. What was the last meal you did? About a week and a half ago, I did some... I like the steaks on the grill.

And where's the grill at? It's in... I just roll it out of the garage. And I built a studio in my garage. Okay. And then... How many floors is the condo? Just single first floor. It's one floor, but you got the garage.

I got two bedrooms. What was dope about it is the garage is attached to the condo and then my laundry room's here. You walk in, office, master bedroom. Then the other bedroom, I got two bathrooms. Okay. And then I did some Guido shit though. Like what?

Put AstroT the on the fucking In the patio so the patio is in the back with the head. Oh, it's love a babbling babbling fountain So knows you have a little bit of a front yard. No, no front yard, but you know the it's got like cobble Road You know like brick Road. Mm-hmm, and then so you're just so you push the grill into the driveway and you're grilling out there Oh, yeah, cuz you you know, you're not supposed to do it in Sure the other people do that are other people growing in the driveway Yeah, you could just pull it out do it nice. Yeah, good grill. She's a gas grill the I wanted to get one of those smokers

Traeger Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like you'd use once and be like that's all eight hours for dinner like what are we doing? As you get older you notice you have patterns sure like you'll buy something and then you're like fuck I'm not the guy who I think I am the boss. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you gotta soak cedar chips. So specific. You gotta soak them.

Alright, now what you gotta do? And when they present it to you they make it like it's so easy. It's already all set up so they're just, I remember that in infomercials, like, Cosucker, no one's got this shit like an hour is I was in Costco They had him there and then the guy but they talk like all you got to do is you soak them 20 minutes Right boom light it and then but then I realized as you're talking to them. It's so long you zone the fuck out Yeah, then you're like At the end of the day, I'll just go purchase

Smoked barbecue. Yeah, is that where you is that where you're shopping at Costco? day, I'll just go purchase smoked barbecue. Is that where you is that where you're shopping at Costco? Yeah, I love mainly. Oh, it depends. Depends on what I need. Like if I if I'm making like, you know, a nice gravy, I go to Italian because there's a big Italian population in Chicago. So you go to Vegas, but they're all Chicago guys. OK. Some New Yorkers out there, but a lot of Chicago,

but they got great markets out there. Strong. I use the pastine kitchen ready tomatoes. I don't even know what that is. Yeah, they're great. They're great. Are they jarred? No, they're they're in a can. Six in one is the other one I use. But like you want to use a certain type of tomato.

They get the Sam. I get out. Sam. Rosano was really good. Am I saying that right? Yeah, those are strong What now if you had to do a jar of sauce, what are you doing me? I mean for me, I keep it simple man No, if you had to go and do it like if you had there any reason that you would go to the grocery store and get Like a bottle of Rios or something like that. No never Or I'll order from I and Ellie's bakery on passion I'll tell you right now that kids open 15 days a week. That's it

His family's been in there for over a hundred years 15 days a month I mean a year a year a year. I'm sorry 15 days a year 15 days a year And the lines around the block and he's and he kicks people out. You don't give a fuck Yeah, so good. He's out.illy still has that thing where it's like, we don't, customer, we're not, we don't like you, you're not getting what we got. We don't, there's 100 people behind you, buddy. I got a video of the kid, I was dying laughing,

some hipster kids came in and asked for a menu. And he's like, you go online if you wanna know this, and he starts yelling at them, and then he's like, he's fucking, and I'm like, bro. That's a normal question Fucking restaurant. Oh, yeah, it's for a phone jar, but that's how you know the food is so good Yeah, I never even heard of it. Are you Nellie's I know it's uh here's um Genos and pats just go up that way it's on the right okay, and his family's been there forever now

15 days a year yeah, basically makes the tomato pies and and the crab gravy. I eat there Oh, yeah, there's rone. Yeah We made clam sauce together one time he does like a he's friends with a lot of comics man I introduced him to a bunch of people you got to get the crab gravy crab When I tell you it's strong, it's strong. I've never had I've only ever had it once. My buddy's mom made it. We got back from camping and it was like probably 10 o'clock at night and it was this huge pot on the stove. It was unbelievable. It's so strong.

It's like broken up there. It was still in the hard shells. Yeah. Man. And the saloon is a good place to eat. Saloon's great. That's it. Smokey Joe's or Smokin' Joe's is good, yeah.

Stokie Joe's. Stokie Joe's, yeah. South Philly, yeah. You know, you've got some good food, man Stokey Joe's Stokey Joe's. Yeah, South Philly Yeah, you know got some good food man. You can eat there But when I go I go to donkey's though in Camden for the they have the best cheese. I don't know donkeys You know where donkeys? No, they put it on a Kaiser roll. I do know that place. It's Round roll. Yeah, yeah a lot of people are

Kosher with the fact that it's not on like a long amoroso roll or whatever wrong, bro. Yeah Okay, so yeah, but uh well I cook I use I use the you know if I'm gonna do it You're doing I'm doing the can I mean I'm not gonna sit there doing my grandmother dead where they they boil I mean I'm not gonna sit there doing my grandmother dead where they boil them. They got all day. You know? Huh. What's your best dish do you think? If you're having a date come over and you're like I'm really gonna fucking wow this bro.

What are you throwing out? Full course. Is that the move? Would you have a girl over and cook for her? Nah. I mean, you know, if we're close, yeah, I'm not doing that corny shit. I mean, if you guys came over. Yeah, what are you cooking up?

I'm more, I'm more, yeah. For the boys. To get my friends, yeah. I do, I mean, my clam sauce is pretty strong. I have two versions. The quick one that I use the snow clams in the can. Uh-huh. You know, during Lent, you wanna whip something up for Friday.

During Lent, man. But... Do you stick true to that? Do you not eat meat on Friday during Lent? I try not to, but yeah, I'm one of those Catholics where... You've been in a funny boat. Like, you know you're a scumbag, when you're giving up scumbag shit for Lent.

Like, I gave up cheating on my wife for Lent. Yeah, I'm never gonna gonna cheat I'm never gonna gamble no blow 40 days for 4 weeks 4 weeks except on a weekend oh man damn love that

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I always can't. Well, now, I mean, I always got some, you know, it just. Mm hmm. You know, you got guns in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah, I got, you know I just mm-hmm you know you got guns in Vegas yeah, yeah, I got you know couple nickel I got a little little glock 43 Jesus Carrie and then Great for Carrie in Vegas. Yeah, you can you can you can open Carrie? I don't but you know I want to let that motherfucker think he's got a shot Well, you don't want to let him know but you know it's basically hard for me Because you can't really bring him into the casinos or like yeah sure places And then I got a shocker

Yeah, that's that's that's what you want that that dude a door then I got the cameras all set up Rings are strong dude you feel like you are in the CIA when you got them things I got black and white and she I got the lights that pop on it'll track If you're walking in my yard, yeah, that's pretty good Huh, okay. No what I was saying is last time you were you were classy checkered past a little bit Of course, but the thing about Italians is they're very thoughtful. You do everything sharp. Yeah, you're very like, there's a process to things. You like things a certain way.

What are you getting dry cleaned? Do you get anything dry cleaned? You're gonna, fuck it, now you guys are gonna rip me. My tracksuits, I always get them. Oh shit. You have to, you can't wash those. You gotta have a nice press on them. How many tracksuits you got you think I got a

Depends they got a match to shoes cuz I just got the new Air Force ones But I got the Nike, you know, it depends Nike. Of course. I go the Sergio Tichini's Come on guy What is Sergio I don't even know what that is it's a It was popular back when I was younger like in the 80s and 90s. OK, people used to rock used to rock them. That's the windbreaker one I got. I got here. I'll show you. Nice. Nice picture.

Got a picture of Cadillac to show us. Let me see the caddy tracksuit like it's his dog or something. I love it. Wait till you see this. You're going to look at the kids. What do you see the kids? Wait till you see the inside. You're going to look at the kids. What do you see the kids? Wait till you see the inside. You're going to plot. There she is.

Look at. Hey, Donny, yes, my displays is such a dumb. Oh, but you know, listen, it's a generational thing to. Are you getting starch in the when you get the tracksuit striped clean? No, you're doing your laundry. You're doing a drop off service.

I drop them off. You drop them off. Yeah. So you don't use the washer and dryer? At the house? No I do but for certain things. Not like like these I'll get it depends like because sometimes if it's starchy you know you know it's all uncomfortable. Right. And then you know if I'm doing dress shirts you want the collar stays so the collar stays. What do you think he's dropping a week on dry cleaning? Two grand? No, not a lot. Wait, I forget, you know, we're on a trash thing.

Sure. He's still looking for the picture. I got to find a picture. No way. I'm in my pictures, not my Instagram pictures. What kind of body wash you use? You use bar soap? You're doing body wash?

Because that's another thing. You're a put together a put together guy. I like the CREMO, the C-R-E-M-O. Yeah. You know, nice manly scent. The CREMO. Lufa? No.

Right on skin. I use my hand. Because it's, you don't want to keep, you know, it depends. I don't wash my face a lot. You don't want to, you want to keep the oils in there. So you don't, you know, stay young. It's like a good tomato. You don't want to you want to keep the oils in there, so you don't you know stay young It's like a good tomato You don't want to dry it out. This is the new tahini right here. Oh my god, dude look at you

That's something else from a Staten Island drip That's the name of the store But look that's a strong look and then I know you guys are gonna hate me because you know I'm a Cowboys fan, but I got the custom made out of Nikes. I go with the bikini like a gentleman. Is that is that is that at the condo? That picture? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The nice the blinds are. Yeah. I had those.

The Florida's or something. I had those put in. Those are expensive. I seen them. Yeah. You have those. See, if you can see the astroturf. There's a little oh, yeah So off sometimes I hate myself I got a turf guy coming in next week Wall to wall turf is that see I don't know if that's classy. It's not classy astroturf. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad Yeah, you know, here's what happened. Okay, cuz you know you buy a home. I'm doing all the fucking work. I'll show you the house We like a fire place out. I'm saying I don't everything's for them

So she was into that like country fresh look or whatever it is the gotcha country living. Yeah, whatever that You know, it's like the all white and wood and stuff and a little shit I want the opposite when I reclaimed wood I made the whole thing a damn man kick my whole condos for me a lot of tile in there Yeah, so there's certain things that I just put in there that I kind of did it like yeah, fuck you now I can do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean it listen. It's better than probably whatever was there It's a choice. It's not the clay. I mean the Kennedys aren't doing it. I can pay that much What was there what was it was just kind of they had white tile? Yeah, okay. It's a choice. It's not the clay. I mean the Kennedys aren't doing it. I can pay that much What was there was it was just they had white tile? Yeah, okay. It's a better look. It's fun now I'm thinking of doing like

Actually this but like with the It's like not not cement, but it's like I forgot what it's called. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know you mean You know what I mean? It's like a sand look, but yeah, it's it's like I forgot what it's called. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know you mean you know what I mean It's like a sand look, but yeah, it's it's Got a little grip to it. Yeah. Yeah, did you take the tile up or do you just put the asterisk over top? Why not I Mean for going all trash Yeah, but like some of the things I you know you do Cuz when you're married just like you know it's like like I I'm jerking off in every room

You know what I mean just throwing socks where the fuck I want cuz I can yeah I was like clean in the house you doing it yourself you got a lady come in I there's a lady that comes in but you know sometimes I like to do it myself I guess you're out though man like when people come over you know cuz you I like things a certain way Are you shoes off in the house? Absolutely. So we came over shoes off. Absolutely. Absolutely. Really? Yeah. Even if we're having dinner?

Yeah. Every shoe ever issues. It's look, look, man. They're disgusting. Look at the bottom of your shoes. Yeah. You're not wrong. Where are you keeping the shoes, by the way? They're right by the door in the front and then one in the garage when you come in. OK. Like, look look, these are brand new Look at that

You want that on your floor? You want that on your floor? You're not wrong. You're not wrong, man Say you go over to someone's house you're coming over say I'm having a dinner you guys are coming over What uh, what are you getting like a gift? Are you gonna come with a bottle of wine? What are you? What are you doing? You can't go you can't come empty-handed. Yeah, it just depends Uh-huh. Yeah, like, you know if it's obviously dinner. It's it's something, but if it's like a family of I don't know I've brought in gifts before

Here's a new TV Like you know like if I saw some like I know you like the Eagles You know like you know bring you know something something something some thoughtful like Steve Simone. Do you know Steve? Yeah, so when I was in Tampa this this weekend doing side splitters you know, bring, you know. Something. Something that is thoughtful. Like Steve Simone, do you know Steve? Yeah. So when I was in Tampa this weekend doing side splitters, he lives in Lakeland, so his mom made dinner. So you know, you pick up some. I brought her a pumpkin with a painted pumpkin

because she likes pumpkins. Okay. And then some fresh bread. Are you decorating the house at all seasonally? Like, do you have any fall Halloween stuff over the house? No, man. I like Christmas, but you know. Will you deck this Christmas? Will you get a tree and all that stuff?

I got a lot of, like, religious stuff, too. Like, I got my pictures. Wait, for Christmas or just in general? In general. Like, I have, I like St. Michael. Okay. So I got him, you know, stabbing a demon. In a wood frame. It's an interpretation. Wait, you don't have the three in a row like Jesus, St. Michael, Frank Sinatra.

No, I got, I got, no, for real, I got, I got Archangel Michael here. And then here I had Jesus on the boat when they're in the Galileo. It's a pontoon, but sure. And then on the hallway I have him. He's crossing the Delaware. I have him taken down when they're in the Galileo. It's a pontoon, but sure. And then on the hallway, I have him. He's crossing the Delaware. I have him taken down when they're taking him off the cross. They're like all famous pictures.

But like, you know, reinterprets. Yeah, they're not like, you know. I don't think you have Da Vinci's in the house. Yeah. I have a Michelangelo over my AstroTurf. Wait till you see the ceiling. Dude, he's got the living room like this Wait, really you got stuff like that. Yeah, but it's it looks good. Yeah

And then I have it doesn't look like an old grandma's house. No, no, no, I did him I did it right. I always like you heard about the astroturf. I like religion. I just saw it I like that it does and then um, and but you know You don't want to crawl him taking off the cross where everybody can see it. It's depressing Yeah What's the bed situation you get a king size yeah Cal a Cali King Cali Kings and then then I got the you know on the wall the TV I don't put a TV in the living room though. No you know that's classy

And in that yeah, so what if we come over to watch the a TV in the living room, though. No, you know, that's classy. Yeah, I guess room and then that. Yeah. So what if we come over to watch the game? Go in the guest room or or, you know, that's the thing. I made a TV room, but I'm always laying in bed watching. Yeah. And what's how many inches is the TV in the bedroom? Oh, 70 to 70 TV. Yeah, covers. I should call my girl and have it start filming stuff. She's. Oh, covers. I should call my girl and have it start filming stuff. She's you busy. Hey, do me a favor. Take a photo of the photo of Jesus on the cross.

She got your lady with her. Yeah, yeah, she's nice. She was basically staying with me now. Love it. There you go. Respect. She got she got covid and quarantine there and then never left. Really? That's how they get you. They move in. Uh huh.

All right, let's go to a restaurant. Say you're at a nice restaurant, right? You walk in, you sit down, will you ask to change the table if it's a bad table, if it's like by the door or something? You say yes. If it's wobbling? Yeah, something. Yeah, that's gotta go.

Uh huh. You won't do the... I do face the door though. You do? Yeah, I get that. Yeah, so that's gotta go. Uh-huh. You won't do the face the door though. You won't do I get that Yeah, always got to check your my head's always on a fucking swivel. This guy this guy I remember I saw you years ago at helium. This is probably fucking 12 years ago I think I just started comedy and he's there and he's going he's telling a story And he's gone. I don't know if I know people I shouldn't be telling this fucking story, and I was like I could see it in the moment I was like this dude is gonna about to tell us on me. Should it be telling us well I mean I'm very care

I know of course you know but like I when I go out like my wife would get mad at me But she because I don't I would never wear flip-flops I think you said that on the first one because you gotta be able to run yeah I would never wear flip-flops. I think you said that in the first one, because you gotta be able to run. Yeah. That's like a big thing with me. But you know, it's crazy,

because other people think that's weird. But you know, then there's groups of people like, yeah, I don't wear flip-flops either. God forbid, you know. You wouldn't wear flip-flops to a restaurant. No, fuck no. Never. How many suits do you have?

I just got four custom made. What the fuck? Well, there's this place called Mastroianni's by me and yeah, I bought like four. You go in they do the measurements They give you the four. Yeah. Yeah four custom made suits. I can't buy off the rack man cuz I'm Cuz I'm a down here. No, no, no They never my waist size is smaller than my They never my waist size is smaller than my Like my my jacket is would be like a 45 44 long okay, but then the waist is like 36 to 38 Well, I'm at I got way like a 32 to 33. So you gotta get a man. So you got a way custom maids

Well, they they're you know, they're they didn't just how do I say they were already there but they you know You got him Taylor. They taper on guy Gotcha custom fitted. I believe that's that would be the turn. Yeah, and what's the shoe situation the dress shoe? You like a nice dress shoe? Uh, yeah, you know Bergamo something like that Um, I like bako buchis. I don't even know what that is Ferragamo's and I had that one time was pretty good Try with the clips, but you know man is so He's so sharp, I know funny man, and who's cutting the hair

Yeah, always gotta get a good gay guy Really? Yeah, and do the eyebrows too. I brought yeah. Yeah, they do them there you go to another place Another place another place and same thing with my nails when I get the manicures so you don't bite the nails I do during football season But uh normally, you know, I try to curb it but I get them buffed you don't do polish What is the haircut cost you not much 40 45? What are you dropping? What do you tip on it? you drop it? With the tip. That's with tip? With the tip?

No, wait. You're a notoriously good tipper. You're good with the cash. I would say, I don't know, man. I don't know. I never really checked. And then the eyebrows are like 10 bucks. Yeah, the eyebrows are.

So you get them threaded or waxed? Waxed. I tried the threading, I can't do it. Makes me sneeze Because you know, you know what I mean like it makes your face tingle, huh? And what's this regimen how is it? Is it a set schedule like every two weeks? You know nails done every two weeks you getting haircut every two weeks. It's the moment. Yeah It's like I need I need to get it done, but I don't I don't I don't do it I mean, there's still a little shine left, but not during football season. What about the toes you getting pedicure?

Yeah, you get them both done. Yeah, I got nice feet. So you're in there for the whole for the afternoon You're in there for an hour times like the same lady if you go Get the eyebrows are quick Because I get them cleaned. I don't get them shaped and that stuff. I get them done every once in a while You have to yeah, or they just start growing it to a fucking goatee. Yeah I let them go I let them go too long in between getting it done And I did it like maybe like a month ago and everybody was like what the fuck's with Foley a little too real bad

Yeah, yeah, did you get mad at him? He was from the future you're like what the fuck the rest is in shambles But then the petty is a man. He's you know when you just look I said I need to get it done. Okay? Art man, he's sharp. I mean listen again. This is all generational I guess sure cuz I grew up you know the older Italian guys in my family That's that's how they did of course you know all the old-school guys would get manicures all the time is the tank in the car usually always full At least at half but uh, you know sometimes

but I get my gas at Costco and No shit. Well, here's the thing like Costco is cheaper, but then there's the inconvenience factor, right? Yeah get there There's the line thing. You're like, I don't feel like fucking dealing with this now So sometimes I'll let it go but you want to keep at least a half a tank and is the car backed in or is it? Pulled into the driveway. I pull in I don't you pull in yeah garage or driveway Garage get it in the garage. Yeah, I don't I don't back in I pictured you as a back-in guy Nah fuck so you get the fuck out Listen you can still run somebody over

Good in reverse Listen you can still run somebody over In reverse What's where his head goes immediately well, I mean if you gotta get out you can still you can still run somebody over They're gonna block you in you. I don't care if you're forward or back. I don't valet though. Why? Cuz if I gotta get out, you know, I don't fucking wait. He's yeah, but uh You know if I'm with a girl, yeah, yeah, but even then but I give her the keys if I park The girl I'm with gets the keys in case there's a problem. She can get the fuck out. Dude, I'm nuts with that. Really? Yeah, so you're going after even if it's a date if we're on it Yeah, but I think you're worried about like you'll see some but something will happen where you're like I have to handle this

You gotta get out of safety get out of here I'll stay here and fight these nine guys especially what with my wife because I would tell her if you sit there lingering You're gonna get me killed I can get in and out and she's like we're just going Starbuck if you're lingering you're gonna get me killed Imagine the rundown of instructions these broads get before they go to a casino. I know we're fast forwarding to it, because you guys know me, this is why we're here. Sure, exactly.

But there's a gradual process to get us here, but we're just here now. No, you're not wrong. This is the razor's edge that you live on between class and trash. In my mind, in my crazy mind. Only because of what you see when you're younger and when you're around. Now you're worried about shit all the time. All the time. And then when we would go out,

I'll tell you a great story. So we were in Chicago one time and I used to go to this place called Gillies. They had this loud singer, his name was Tony Ocean, I love the guy. But he was like, like you'd see on a, like he'd do Sinatra covers and stuff. Yeah, is this 57, 58? No, this is like 2000, when we first started dating, my ex, my ex-wife lived in Chicago. And I would tell her, I would say, you know, look, let me sit here, and you know, she grew up in Ohio, you know, normal chick, had a dad, you know. So she just wasn't around stuff a dad, you know, so she just wasn't around stuff college, you know Never had the heat coming around the corner

Saying and you know, I grew up in North Jersey at the time and even South Florida, you know There was always something going on So we're dancing. That's a great way to say your childhood not first for the people that might not have heard the first one or know About you that much there was always something going on. That way, that's a perfect way, like, there was always something going on with you. Yeah, like, weird shit too, but, uh, anyways. Like, there was a guy down the street that would, like, take you, like, I don't know if this was around here. This guy would, like, take his dick out in front of kids.

But, you know, you just didn't go over there. Yeah. We had, we had a... In Philly, there was Uncle Eddie. He was a crazy rich guy. Mm-hmm, but you know you just didn't go over there. Yeah In Philly there was uncle Eddie it was a crazy rich guy tell ask your buddy about he was a Philly legend He would just pay me like dirty underwear No, it's just anything like hit you with like a hit him with like a nine iron or whatever He gave you like 20 bucks So all the kids all the kids hit all the kids in the neighborhood would use them as like an ATM machine They'd be like how the fuck you get 200 bucks. I went down uncle Eddie's and you know fucking gave him some underwear. Take them in the nuts. That's amazing

Wait, so hold on. So you're wait, so we're Tony Ocean Yeah, we're there and we used to go there a lot and we're dancing Dancing how cuz you know they can dance, you know slow dancing with your girl cuz he would do like like crooner stuff like angle Bert Humperdink, you know after the loving strong song by the way And then uh, so we're sitting there dancing and then I notice a fucking perimeter being set up two guys over here guy over here So now I grab her she's like, what are you doing? I said shut the fuck up Right, and I mean if they were moving in on this dude And oh on another guy another guy and then it just shit just broke out mm-hmm and I just took her rolled out got out the exit you know and then but that's why that's why if it that once and I mean it got it got pretty

pretty heavy but anyway that time yeah at that time is it was this a nice place yeah it was just like you know know, you just notice you notice. You notice how people are moving. How guys walk in different or aggressively standing. I don't know if you've ever seen a guy who's really staying. Yeah, I've seen you stay. No, you know, like the guys that that like, you notice they'll hold the bottle. Like, I know. Oh, yeah. We're like this.

They're holding it, holding it, standing there. Of course, you just see things And it's not like I'm a tough guy. I just been I just seen a lot, you know, I sure I can't tell you every time I Couldn't tell me if I always said I could tell me fights. I've been in my life, but I got like 19 strong losses Not that night, baby It's like an epic. Not that night, baby. Okay, let's talk about Dollar Shave Club, baby.

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is here to help you stay handsome. Do it. Yeah, but you just you just you know you get paranoid. It was very hard for me to relax. Have you gotten any better yet? Yeah, because I mean yeah. He's nickeled up in Vegas. No, that's not why you just you don't have your father removed from like that stuff guys you had beef with sure

You like early 20s are really really tough every time we went out. There was a problem Yeah, you know around young guys you have a crew another crew, which is crazy because that crew We'd probably be friends with if we want, you know Certain types of guys and I was never I didn't like to I don't like to fight and start stuff I was more about the girls, but then you always have the guy in the crew. Yeah someone'll drag Like you know I remember one time we walked into place my buddies like I'm either get laid or somebody's getting knocked the fuck out I think I like do why are these our options?

Get a freaking hoes over my hammie There's gotta be. Right. How about we just go to Denny's and get a frickin' Moons Over Miami? But I was never that. I was like, I was never that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Is that your order at Denny's? Moons Over Miami? Oh, yeah. Moons Over Miami is strong. That's what you would do. And the Denny's burger combo with the salad.

Oh, burger combo. And then back in the day, they had Mother Butler pies. That was like, I don't even know what that is. I won't get eyes on that. Looked those up. They were strong mother butler pie the banana cream was fucking phenomenal Oh, I think I know you're they had they had our they had their own line of pies. Yeah Yeah, it was out of Fort Lauderdale. It says mother butler pies. Yeah Those were strong apple pie strong. I remember that button Mother butler pies don't leave without one. Yeah, they were great. The Boston cream was strong

What would be your norm? What would be if you're going out to breakfast? We're right now was the morning We were not hit a diner. What are you getting? An omelet man not keeping it tight if you if you were letting loose. I depends man I love pancakes, but I also like corned beef hash. I know that sounds really yeah gentlemen, but if it's not if it's too salty But I put ketchup on everything like corned beef hash, I know that sounds crazy. Really? Yeah. Gentlemen. But not if it's too salty. But I put ketchup on everything. You know what I mean? And what sucks is I like spicy food, but I can't eat it.

So like if something's spicy, I gotta pound. He's so funny. I gotta push through it, man. I'm sweatin'. My mouth burns. You a fast food guy? Yeah. What are you hitting? I like filet of fishes from McDonald's is strong.

Put a little sweet and sour sauce on it. Would that be the only thing you get? Or would you get a burger too? No, when I go in. But I do one meal a day. And sometimes I'll fast. I like to fast. I can go a couple of days without eating.

Yeah, like I eat a lot. It's like you eat a lot all at once. And when I do that three times a day. Yeah. Were you eating the car? You eat in the Cadillac? No, fuck. No, really never. So if you go and get the fillet of fish at Mickey's, my car, I try to keep it smelling as new as possible. Are you getting are you getting the food and drive back to the house

and have it at the house? No, I like to eat there. I respect that. Wait a minute, you're eating at McDonald's? Yeah, I'll go in and eat. Because there's a nostalgia of it too. Really? It's like, not that it's comfortable,

because my grandparents helped, they did a big part of raising me, and my grandmother every Friday would take us to, I don't know if you ever saw me do the bit when I hit the babysitter with the ax. That's a true story. I did not think you were embellishing that. And then we would go to McDonald's every Friday.

And that was just like one of the happier moments as a kid. Sure. When I- The old tan ashtrays and stuff like that. Yeah, and then they had like the- You cut a babysitter, then went to McDonald's. Fucking, what's you wanna call it? One of the happiest days of my life.

The gargoyle, not the gargoyle, those little fuzzy things that used to eat fries. Oh, fry guys They would have like the seats. Yeah, I remember they had the gym. Yeah the playground. Yeah, John Yeah, cage and all that shit But you know McDonald's is nostalgic to me. So I this is I mean I eat big when I go there That's the most gentleman are you going solo? No, the girl my girl likes McDonald's too. So you guys decide here we're going to go to Mickey D's.

Yeah. And you go in there and sit down. Sit down and you order. I respect that. Got the playground, the kids running around. You feel good. It's like a sense of America. It's like a sense of innocence.

Sure. I feel like he has a waiter when he goes. He's got the corner table. I will tell you this. You want a good advice. When you go out and you want to sit down Give the kid just the bus or you get the bus or $10 you slip in the bus or hand you get your bread It's always there fresh the they they bring you so sometimes they won't even you know things end up missing

You're Johnny because that guy you making ten bucks off any other table, so you're the you're the VIP say hey come here cuz like they'll come and you know you got to see if it's the same guy and he comes by a couple times and hit him so you run them like not on purpose but like I'll be like hey you're testing them out can I get some you know and then they come back and then you say here this is for you and the next thing you know more bread it's like a lot of bread I do something so after all after all that, you're like, yeah, but just more bread. Tipping tipping is underrated. Nobody does it anymore. It's very underrated.

But the other problem is people don't know once you tip them sometimes every once in a while, it's a mess. Guy just be like, oh, thanks. Yeah, I hate that. I get that. I have to go because with New York, I have to get my car out of the lot. And it's like you have to because they have to bring it up to you. So it's like sometimes they tip them and they're like, it's like expected I'm like you want to see them Like if you fill out you fill out the credit card thing

First of all, you put in a tip on the card or would you we do cash cash? You'll do can't have to claim it because I I worked in restaurants forever So when you give it to them, huh? Will you give it to them so they so they see it while you're there or will you just leave it on the table? Well, you want them to see it? Sure. You want them to see it. I'm a big see it guy.

Yeah, you gotta let them see it. And, you know, cause you want to let them know. Yeah, not well, it's more of, you know, remember me. And then, you know, again, tipping saves you money. Like I gave the guys, my residency at the Strat, the valets are there. Now, I mean, you get the players card if you play a lot, but they were charging for valets like 25 bucks,

for some reason. Now, when I pull in, because I do my show, I leave, I became friends with them, so you know, you throw a little money around, but then you give them like 100 bucks for the holidays. Your shit's right up front. You end up saving money by giving them money. Like I don't mind, when I would rob stuff

when I was younger, no for real, I don't give a fuck about Macy's, you know what I mean, or any of the corporations. But the people that work there, you take care of them, man. And you're saving money and they're putting money in their pocket. And that's who I really want to help. Yeah, for sure. Who are you? Who are you breaking off at Christmas time?

Do you have you have a list of people that are getting banged out? The valet guys? Yeah, they'll get they'll get like a C note and then give us. Do you have a super anything like that in the handyman? that nothing but i'm like here's all right here's how you save money like with when i had to replace my hot water heater okay and by the way those home insurance companies are full of shit you know they in order they they needed it to break. Now, my grandfather was in the hot water heater business. Right. I know something about them. Now the new ones. Anyways, there's rust in the water.

That means this fucking thing is going to leak. You call your home insurance company, you know, like whatever they are, the the way you pay like 40 bucks a month because they're supposed to. But it needs to break. So in other words, I got to get fucking water damage in order for you to get the claim. So now what they do is if you call them, they charge you for the call out. Okay, right. Dude, this was a big thing for me. So they charge you for the call out.

So let's say I call my company, I report, I say, Hey, I think my heater is about to go. All right, well, we'll have somebody come down and look and assess it. We have to pick who it is. So they charge you 100. hundred meanwhile if I just called them myself it's a free call free call free consultation come free estimate we'll come out take a look at it so the first guy comes out says not yet he says yeah you're gonna need this replaced then then they said well they didn't recommend it because a lot of these people don't want to work for the insurance to do it because they don't pay as much they negotiate down sure wait for the money to do it because they don't pay as much. They negotiate down. Sure. So you wait for money to is what I did.

It's true. Then I said, well, let me get a list of your insured people. So, you know, ones that are there. So they did. I started doing the free calls, had guys come out, found the right guy. How many guys you're going through that this I had hit about two or this was the third guy. Now he was the guy. He was the guy. And I talked to him and, you know, they're trying to charge me forty five hundred.

So now this is where it goes. Well, you know, because it's only it's easy to put the heater in. Now lies guys have contractor licenses as well, so they can buy at discount. So I said he goes, I go, how much, you know, talk to him. How much would it be? It's like remember the old cable thing when the cable guy would come in. Yeah. And then you say, Hey, here's 50 bucks and he'll hook it up. So you get all cable. Sure. Um, so basically you can see it. I go, how much? He goes, it's, it's, it's really an easy job. I said, well, how much would you charge me to put it in? He said, ah, two 50. I say,

how about this? I give you 500. Okay. buy the by the heater and then and then just get it done. So, you know, whatever you make so I gave By giving them it cost me. I mean I gave him a little extra. So let's just say 2000 even For the water heater to come in and get it as opposed to the 45 to 500 This is off the books. This is like. Of course. Now, he was, if he was. He's happy, I'm happy, everybody wins. If he was hired by the insurance company, that guy would have made hourly rate of like two hours. Nothing.

So now he's got fucking full pockets. You got full. See, that would be trashy, but the way you describe it, it sounds so classy. It's smart. Yeah, you're not wrong. And you know, that's what the whole Fight Club movie was about.

And that's why... I don't think I took that away from it. For real. This guy's good. And Fight Club, even the way things were in New York with the Italian guys, you control the working class. The working class is where the power is. Sure.

Right? Like if you have a billion dollars, you ain't building that building by yourself. So you need people to build it. It's the same concept. You, we're the ones that they need to go to. Right? They're the one. Well, now that you guys are making money, you're the enemy. No. Um, so like, you know, a restaurant doesn't give a fuck if this kid gets stiff. They don't give a fuck that they're doing 200% markup on a, on a soda. This kid don't give a fuck that they're doing 200% markup on a soda. This kid don't care, right? But if I can give him more money and not pay as much, why wouldn't I just put that in his pocket and you know? No, I'm very big.

Growing up, everybody was a construction worker, so it was like, we're not going to go through the company. We'll have like even this building, like this set, my cousin Michael came up and did it on the weekend. That's how you do it. Hey, come up, side work. I'll buy everything. Give them cash. What do you want the week. That's how you do it. Come up side. I'll buy everything What do you want a day? Here's here's two days. Yeah today at your rate Whatever you want about a Bing better boom out the door

And they wouldn't have made that much if they were if now if you're an individual contractor, then you know, you're like, yeah And then there's always side stuff. Sure, right shout out to side work like, you know, you you could say to them Okay. Well, what does this cost? Well, this is what I get at cost so there's no markup there But then there's ways to do it where you know they can find more money in their pocket And I don't come back Sunday night at 8 It's not illegal It's also not not illegal It's not I get what he wants to do on his free time

He can do on his free time, he can do on his free time. This is fucking America last time I checked. This is in communist China. What is this? What are we communists? Are you communists? Is this what we're listening to now? But, you know, listen, I'm very fortunate to be over 50 and to have lived around guys that were all, you know, my whole family did all the, you know, in the city, you know, that's where you come from.

So you know the ins and outs of everything. Of course. I've never been a person who's ever been like, I'm gonna call this 1-800 number to have my gutters fixed. It's like, call up my dentist, Kevin, someone's gonna come fix it. So you got a $4,500 hot water heater for two grand. It was about 1800

And I was out of pocket You know you sometimes you you know you You figure it out. Yeah, I Love that though. I love I love the hustle man Even as a kid running all the scams we did and everything to make extra cash Well, you feel better getting into the person, not the fucking company. Absolutely. Yeah. Like that was my thing when I when I got in trouble when I was younger,

like I wouldn't hurt anybody. But, you know, if insurance covers it, you know what I mean? It's a victim was crying. No, for real. And you could be in on it. Like you could get your old shit back. We could split new shit. Yeah. No, for sure. You get your old. And me and can split new shit. Yeah He gets your old Me and my ex-wife she would get mad at me sometimes because of the way I would I would finagle and do things But you know she wants to go up the middle she always wanted to do things

You know buy the book like all right. I don't have much time. We're good. So we're in the airport. We're in Ohio I killed a guy And she's bitching like I said, I'm not a no one So we're in the airport and we got there early early enough, but the gate where this is Christmas time and I mean the lines long and You know, you know women ought to get anxiety they start panicking sure and we had our dog that we had to check in which you know we had our dog that we had to check in, which, you know, we had as a the service. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, so now she's freaking out.

And I'm like, yo, relax. So I said, I got this. Mm hmm. We go. I go to the front of the line. I go, hey, I'll give you a hundred for that. We get it. Get in front. Right. And the guy was like, yeah, like it's denim nightclub. That's all you need. You greased the TSA.

No, the TSA came over, said you can't do that. Blah, blah, blah. I went to a regular person. I said anybody. You know, like a like a guy standing in line. You pulled the home alone. And then the TSA person didn't like it. So now she's like, oh, my God, she's freaking out again. I'm like, crazy. Relax. I'm like, relax.

I told her, relax. I got a hundred for you too. So now you gotta, this is what the working class thing is. When you've worked your whole life and you've done everything from landscaping to waiting table, whatever it is, construction grunt work. So now you go, all right, I said, let's go to the baggage handlers,

because those guys, they know the ins and outs. Now, remember, they could check you in on the curb. So I find this kid, and I go, hey man, listen, I'll give you 100 bucks if you can get us through the line. He goes, look, this is what he told me. He goes, I'm Christian, I don't do that, but I'll take you to somebody who does. Walks us to the front.

Loser. Walks us to the front. I'm also Catholic. I got a picture of Jesus. If he was Catholic, he'd do it. You know St. Michael? I got eight pictures of him. Here's St. Benjamin.

Now you know. So now I go to the front. I give the guy, I come up to him. I said, hey, and he goes, these were the guys that, and the kid was like, you could tell he's maybe reformed. Because he knew right away. He had somebody there. He goes, these are the guys I was telling you about.

I said, hey, how are you? You do the handshake. Guy didn't even look, put it in his pocket. Then he, not only did he check us in, he checked the dog in and brought us right to the front. Nice. 15, 20 minutes tops. Uh-huh, set of three hours.

And then I looked at my ex-wife, I said, I go, I go, I don't know how I'm gonna win, but I know I ain't losing. We're figuring it out. Yeah. And that's, but to her now, the way she would have done it prior is, you know, get her dad's credit card or say,

and say, can we get the next flight? Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, I'm getting on that flight. We're getting on this. Now, in a situation like that, right, you're going to the airport. You got hundreds on you for that? Are you thinking ahead of time of, like, I

might have to grease somebody? You should always have cash on you, again, in case somebody robs you. You should always have enough on you to where you don't have to go to the ATM, and they won't kill you Like oh here's 300 bucks. You get the fuck out of that's a good enough score. I would say 200 now with inflation maybe three Yeah, if you got enough cash on you if you don't carry cash on you and let's say I mean this this out of city used To be mm-hmm. You know what I mean, but you know kid comes up yo run it

You know I got 200 get out of here Your mugger money, but you know this way they don't follow you to the ATM You just give them the cash tell me get the you know kick rocks You could always say this is my you always say it's your lucky day I just said I just hit the ATMs went out here, then so, you know, keep your wallet and all that stuff. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know guys have fake wallets.

Yeah. Just to give up, just to give up. I thought he was going to say the tip of that layer. So I know this is a lot. And I love it to your listeners that don't know me. This we have a little history here. So this is why these these are all queued up. And on top of that, I'm not trying to present my, this is to the younger listeners,

this is how things were. We don't have that, man. I mean, most listeners are our age. Okay, so they know. Yeah, they're 30s and 40s. And if you grew up in the northeastern area or... No, this is all Boston. This is all Boston.

This is all checkin' out. This is all dirt bad all normal this is all Boston this is all checking out this is all dirt bat everybody that's listening because you know look that World War two generation my grandparents they were no joke those men were serious men you know my grandfather was from Sicily they had a way of doing things and you know and that's what you grew up that's what I grew up around he wasn't paying 4,500 for the water heater And what he's doing it himself. Thank God they turn in the old one into insurance. No, I mean, you know, they you know how they were.

Yeah, that's the way they did things. You know, yeah, of course. Man, I mean. Do my grandfather would say crazy shit to me? No, man, because, you know, the way they were, like he would say stuff, you know, like if you got in a fight, you'd be like take a trophy Like what's that mean like an eye like walk with something? Yeah, so like they know they know when they look in the mirror, and then you're like I'm fucking eight. Yeah You got your fake wallet on you

What was it hit us This is what it is. You're the world's, what are the greatest storytellers of the generation? Tell us the story. The advice, like my mom one time, me and my brother were joking around and we were talking about nicknames. And my mom was like, yeah, what the, cause you have blue eyes, you should say blue eyes. And then the other room, my grandfather chimes in, no, he goes, if anybody had a beef with you to take your eyes out just to prove a point.

Jesus Christ. I mean, like, but I don't know if that's like, causes the, yeah, you're right, which is why I'm this way today. 100%, yeah. 100%, dude, yes. But then he's right, though. That's what I'm saying, they're right. He's not not wrong

I guess no advice. I'm giving right now. I mean if it was practical if this is fucking 1950s fucking newer kids 20 so I went by socks after that every day You are one of my favorites yeah, I mean it's insane Man, you are... One of my favorites. Yeah. I mean, it's insane. Huh. Just that razor's edge of class and trash.

Here's my thing. Even the trashy stuff that he... Take the AstroTurf. That was a choice and it looked nicer than what was there. It's kind of a fuck you. It's not like he's putting it there going like, this is the nicest shit I can do. He's going, this is... It's just, that's what was there. It's kind of a fuck you. It's it's not like he's putting it there going like This is the nicest shit I can do he's going this is this is it's just that's what it is And i'm sure it's done well and you keep the house spotless. I probably mose the extra But i'm trash

I'm absolutely sure whatever you say, sir. Whatever you say. No, i'm if I had to define myself You're a dirt bag. I got trash tendenciesancy is just you know I do scumbag shit And I don't I don't justify it. You know I got friends like that You know it's like do you fucking scumbag it is what it well that is also part of us doing the show is like We've had a we've really accepted who we are. It's like oh, this is who we are liberating I love it man gang the special is uncaged you can check it out at wits comedy TV YouTube page New season of Cobra Kai is out now. It's the last season Three parts yeah, so you go it goes five come out in November and then five after that in January. It's done

Yeah, six seasons, yeah, okay, and I was just at a season two They wouldn't bring me back because I burnt the car up and I was like the storyline I'm like fuck I need to get my insurance You know that happened to me too in weeds when I was I had a couple episodes I remember yeah, and then cuz I killed the DEA agent. I killed her. I was like an Armenian drug dealer Yeah, but if I didn't kill him Right like because there might have been a thing where if he didn't die I was gonna come back sure But then they found him in a lake so when he died

And now I'm in a strip mall in fucking For the 25 people Gang the special is on cage do yourself a favor one of the absolute funniest guys in the world. Mr. Brett Ernst everybody I appreciate you man. I love you guys. I can't tell you how fucking happy I am for you. Open invite, open invite. Whenever you're back in the city open invite. Imagine I keep showing up. He's here on Thursday You and verzi together, oh

We got a yeah next time you got next time you're in town. We'll do a we'll do a Paul verze both in tracksuits And then Yon is too They were mocking me because they call me because you know I have a call out a guy Well, I think they called you on the show they They were like, Ernst has a cologne guy. Yeah, I got a great guy. You met him in like a parking lot or something. I mean, it wasn't, you know, it's funnier to think it was nefarious,

but he just shows up with his collection. His collection. And he gets him like, you know, the newer ones. Is it all, it's all real stuff? They're not dupes. Yeah, no, no, I mean, come on. Although there's a great stuff. They're not. Yeah, no, no. I mean, come on. Although there's a great bottle cologne I found, it's like $15 a bottle and it is phenomenal.

I get it on Amazon. I've sent it to Yanis and what's it called? It's called Territorial. I can't even say I don't know how to pronounce it. Fifteen bucks. Territorial. How many different how many different bottles do you say you have? How many cents do you work for? And are they set up? On the like on your dresser are they are they displayed I have a

Got a safe deposit He's got Lucy's and Minson shit You know I picture you had set up like a bar So what I bought was this cabinet that you open up and I put my you know, my my chains, watches and shit in there. And then it has a little area for your cologne. But, you know, I go you go through stages. Sure. Aqua De Geo is still strong, but not the original.

They made one called the Profundo and the Absolute. One's a night set. One's a great, day set. Love it. Not a spice guy. You know what I mean? Like I like the cleaner. Do you swap seasons? Will you go a little heavier in the winter? I have different scents I use like for the fall gym. There's ones that you know, you wear. You put on just for the gym. Yeah. Day. Then there's like if I'm going out, out. You ever spree, you ever spritz anything on before you go to bed? You get out of the shower? We had somebody ask us that.

Italian kid. I used to spray my bed with cologne before a girl came over. Sure, yeah, you did. I don't know if you ever did that. Smells like other dudes were in there. Yeah, sure. I had nine Tonys over here last week.

No, because they lay down, and you're like, ehh. Tony's over here You know you got to go soft sense for that Yeah, like I'm not a big so what do we see got eight eight of them eight bottles I got two I got three the Geos. I got two of the territories. They have a platinum one. Sure I got my you know I got the event is Creed, but that's a safety deposit That's like no turn your cuz that's like three That's like a $400 bottle But then my a friend of mine that I knew from back in the day runs a strip club

So the guy that won't say the guy that works the bathroom there gets it discounted So I got that for two bills. There you go. And then that's and then I also, you know, I was still. Oh, is that a special trip to get that cologne? Did you go over there to pick it up? Well, he because he had it. And I said, bro, that's you know, that's that's nice. And he goes, yeah, because, you know, I can get it for you.

So I gave him the like wholesale or whatever. Yeah. And you had to go back to the strip club to pick it up. No. No he I met him But we watch games together and stuff so you know But uh he's the fucking best. I love it. And that's the other thing too. That's what's great about Vegas man It's like the sportsbooks. They got everything going on. I feel like that town is perfect for you. I fucking love it except As far as like nature goes, you're in a desert. Sure. But you got to give and take. But we get to change the seasons. Yeah.

But the the the sports books are fucking phenomenal. Like that's Circa. I haven't been. Buddy, it looks like, you know, we have a stadium when they have the damn circus. Megatron. You know, the the thing that hanging. There's one like in the middle of Circa. shit, and then um because I like to go to The cage I don't do the apps yeah, yeah, you know with the real feel you know what I mean I? Love it. I don't have you ever been to off-track betting back in the day Not oh, we used to go when we turned 18

We would go to the Philadelphia race track and I mean all day long if you want to quit gambling Go to an OTB. Yeah, see what you're gonna be it's rough in 20 years It's rough. We were 18. We were there. We're probably one of us was 18. It was putting the bets in for everybody else It was a weeknight. We're in school high school We're there watching some guy came over big old-school fat guy cigar had the fucking had the the Pamphlet whatever and he goes I never want to see you fucking kids here again I've lost three wives, four houses, my family, get the fuck outta here.

Who do yous like in the third? Then here comes sunshine. Before you go. Well Vegas man, when I first got out there, I hit a, not a bad run, but you gotta control yourself. But then I liked the table games, but then I got away from that and started playing slots. And you're a slots guy, dude, there's a method to it.

There's certain ones you got to look for. That's a tragedy thing you said. Hold on, I'll show you. I'll show you how many jackpots. Well, because what happens? What's the biggest jackpot you hit? And what is this like a Wednesday night or whatever? If you don't have a spot.

Is, you know, you get money, and then you put in there there's a there's a couple of the sevens machines that I play that I did I do $25 a spin and But when they hit they hit So well, here's how I look at it say you're gonna bet a grand for the month Right you want to play around whatever and a lot of people do the the video poke the video slots Which those don't really pay that great they're waiting for the bonuses Some of those by law a lot of these slots have to pay and if you can look at some of the other ones You'll see the progressive has to hit by a certain point. You just don't know when so, you know, you can kind of calculate

Calculate you can make your odds a little better Yeah, but if it you know if I'm gonna bet a grand for the month I'll go to the $25 one because if you hit you hit big you hit once and you know, you're talking like five grand change The the biggest one I've hit was 65 6500 yeah, but like I hit in the past three weeks 4041 a I'm sorry 42 like a 40 a 40, 80, then 1800. I'll show you, I'll take pictures of them

because my girl's sleeping. And I'm, you know. Babe, get up, you're never gonna believe this. I don't want her to think that I'm out doing anything sometimes, so you know, you're like, I'm at the slots again. But then I get all the free play, and that's where you can really earn.

Because like, you can take the free play, and if you go and you play with it, you just keep cashing out when you win win because you can't cash out the free play Ah, so you can make a couple hundred then take that and then you know go go by cologne with it some losses You'll do this after a show or were you just good like having a guy in the casino and hit the slaps for a little bit Sometime mostly after shows, but then sometimes I'll go just to solo or with the boys No with her she would her play too because she gets some free play, but she's doing like 88 cents a spin Sure, maybe do dinner whatever hit the slots

But you got to be careful like if you hate losing more than you like winning You chase sometimes cuz then it's like I'm gonna beat these fucking guys, but I got up and you know, that's just, but it's fun. Cause I don't drink. I'm not whoring. I'm not whoring. That's such an old school dirt bag. And you get off stage, the dopamine's going. Sure.

Yeah, then you're like, all right, let me play. Hit the slots. But here's what I don't like about the slots Whether you win or lose It gives you every spin kind of gives you like when you're playing blackjack You kind of feel like you're in control because you can say hit stay You know there's some type of strategy with the slots. There's not mm-hmm So even when you win you come back you feel like yeah, you feel icky. You know, I get it, man.

I could never do this. Lots of is there a game on it this hard rock? No, no, right. No, the one in. No, there's none in New York. None in New York Empire. You got the edge. Jesus. I was just curious.

For research purposes. Who look, you think I'm lying? We don't know. Look at this. I'll show you all my players cards. This is Resorts World. This is Rampart. This is Strat. What's Rampart? This is the Rampart Casino is a local one by us. This is Suncoast. And then these right here, you know, once you start playing, you know, you get free rooms, everything. So, like, I got comps for days, but I keep...

Comp for days in the city you live in. Yeah, like, people, like, if you guys come in, I got you hooked up. Will you stay at a hotel and, like, do a little staycation? Yeah. You and the lady? Yeah. It's fun. And then, you know, they give you, like, because once you get there, they want you to keep playing. Mm-hmm.

So, you know, you get free dinners and whatever you say you let's say I want to get the steakhouse Well, how much how much you need? Yeah, I'll take 250 and then you go in but you can't tip them with it Sure, you know, and then it just goes back on your card, but they don't care. That's what they're there for Yeah, just want to keep it rolling. Yeah, then you know the rooms pretty strong You know, I used to spa there one time It's like the pool. I used it one time. Yeah But you got to use them up cuz they it'll go away and then everything resets

So whatever. Is that garbage? Is that perfect for Vegas? I mean yeah, no, that's I mean you you've you weren't you are fully in your own. I love it. Then you get show tickets. I've seen Barry earns no I've seen Barry Manilow. I saw go see Wayne Newton. I haven't I don't know if he's still going he's still banging like Yeah, we went yeah, I would go just to say I saw him Man group or something I saw Chicago I I saw Journey with the New Asian guy. Oh yeah, that guy rips dude. Yeah, that guy, he sounds just like him.

Uh huh, it's crazy. Well, I saw Sublime. Nice. Yeah, you get like, I'm trying to think of a couple of them. But like, I'm not a big live music guy, but you know, you get free tickets and they put you up in the box. Sure, not too shabby. And then you get the the nice buffet They got their chicken fingers and I just speak in my language big dog. Those are strong

Check out the special unhinged uncaged uh-huh very happy for you or go to Brett comedy Bret1t comedy calm and all my tour dates and all that and And there's special links on there too, so it's all easy. One of the best. If you haven't seen them live, do yourself a favor. Go see them. Brenner, we love you, buddy. Thank you. I love you guys, man.

Thank you, brother. What do you got for them? Guys, we have AYG and Friends in New York, November 8th at Chelsea Music Hall. Sold out in Philly already. We're gonna add another date there. And then Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club. It is November 22nd.

Tickets available. RUgarbage.com. Yeah, I. I heard that's our you garbage comm. Yeah, I'm excited It's our first time. Yeah, we are first time up there. We love New York Comedy Club. Yeah, we love you buddy and gang We love you, and we'll see you next week