Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Casey Balsham: Trashy Weddings!

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with a hot one! Old pal Casey Balsham returns! Casey talks trashy weddings, blacking out and a whole bunch more. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys!  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Ladder.com/Garbage https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE  Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Gang, real quick, before we get this episode started, Summer is going into full swing and so is the RU Garbage. Keep it moving, 2021 tour. Oh, yeah. We're gonna be coming to a town near you for a little bit of stand up and we're gonna be answering your garbage questions. Kippy, tell them what they need to know.

July 14th, Columbus Funny Bone. July 15th, Cleveland Hilarities. August 11th, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. August 12th, Laugh Boston. Those tickets are cooking. That's gonna sell out. Get those tickets. Then August 25th, we're at New Brunswick Stress Factory

and then August 26th, we're at Magooby's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland, right outside of Baltimore. I like it, gang. Get some tics. Come out and see. It's gonna be a fantastic fun time. A mix of stand up comedy in the AYG game. Come out and hang with Uncle Hank and your Aunt Kippy.

Dwayne. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is RU Garbage.

God damn it. Sure is. It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Aunt Toody's basement.

Something I have to discuss with you by chance. Sure. I had two scratch offs on the kitchen table upstairs. Did you take them? I didn't. You sure? No, yeah, of course. Great.

Toody's back gambling again. Oh, God. You screwed. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. That really had legs. He's the CEO of Garry Garbage. He's my boss, God damn it. Show this bozo a little respect.

Well, yeah, he's got a big for it, but he's a good kid. Put the whole thing together. Give it up for Kevin James, right? Hey, gang, happy to be here. Thanks for coming. I say that with all due respect, sir. Jesus Christ, this fucking paycheck, we know. I know it is.

Oh, believe me, I know. Addy, we're eating good this weekend, baby. Ride baloney for everybody. Guys, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof. True to fucking roof.

Yes, sir. Let me tell you about something. This is through the roof, through the fucking stratosphere, into another galaxy. Talking about the Patreon? At patreon.com. Slash R U Garb. Talk to me in the first class class.

Say that right now. Guys, check it out. Patreon.com, you get bonus episodes at AYG. You get episodes of Heart Feelings, which is, you know, now everybody's new, new favorite podcast. The 10 day, if you're signing up, sign up for the $10 level. That's what you got to do.

Savings for the whole family. And then we, with the top tier, we do live streams where we play AYG with you guys every month. It's a good fucking time. Also, real quick, shows coming out July 14th and July 15th, we're going to be in Ohio. Columbus Funny Bone and... Cleveland Hilarities.

Hilarities and Cleveland, get those fucking tickets because they are moving. They're cooking, believe it or not. They're fucking moving. And if you want to come see us in Boston, do yourself a favor. That's going to go soon. Get the prepaid, whatever it is, the spot on your check.

Whatever you got to do to get the cash, get it and make a move now. Yeah. Because they ain't going to let you. That's not going to go very soon. And how about a nice shout out to our producer, extraordinaire. He is the magic man, T-Bone McMuffin.

It's Toby McMullen. T-Bone. What's up, dudes? Good to see you, buddy. Great job on the fucking AC videos, fucking killing it. Thanks, kid. His kid's been working his balls off. Oh yeah, on the Patreon, we post longer versions

of the live shows. We post like, you know, eight to 10 minute chunks of the live shows on Patreon. So check that out as well. Yeah. Can you guys do me a favor? Get in there and do the dishes because I've been in the kitchen.

Cuckoo! I made a hot meal for all these. Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, incredibly special guest here with us today. She's back with us. You loved her so much. You've all been asking, when's she coming back? When's she coming back?

When's she coming back? We got her here right now. She was the first episode in Tooties. First episode in Tooties. And now here we are. We're about a month away from her wedding. She's the bride-to-be. Daddy's an angel.

Get married. She's a whore. Don't tell anyone. Give it up for Casey Balscham, everybody. Oh, thanks. Casey B. Thanks for having me back. I'm so proud of you guys.

It's so funny. I'm just so excited to hear my friends that they're going to Ohio and bought. But it feels like real shit. Sure, it feels good. But I always do podcasts and I was like, I'm never going to go to fucking Ohio. That's not, you know, but I love you.

You're really doing it. Really proud of you guys. Thank you. We're trying. That means the world to us. Thank you so much for coming in and sitting with us. This is a company episode. We're going to be answering some Patreon questions.

But we thought since we add you here, you got the wedding coming up. I know. We wanted to talk about it. It's going to be the fucking social event of the season. I hope so. Front page of laugh button, they're saying. It's where you got to be.

If you weren't at the fucking Balscham-Sloven wedding, you're not in the business. Is Jeffrey Goring going to be there? Yeah, yeah, I hope so. Is he really? Well, you'll be able to smell him if you just, you know. Smell him coming from the woods. No, I actually, yeah, most people had to submit a tape,

but I let you guys in. You were invited, so it's all good. What clubs do you get up at regularly? Yeah. Seeing where you're sitting. You got to get two recommendations to go to this wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where we're going to find out where we're really at in the biz, where we're sitting. Sure. So this is biz. How far in the woods I am. We've talked about your wedding a good amount on Patreon and on the regular episodes because this is a good thing for us.

Oh yeah, that's right. We've been saying that we have this wedding coming up. This is the wedding. It's mine. Because now we have, you know, I went and bought a suit yesterday. I went out about a brand new suit yesterday, which we'll get into, by the way.

Fucking bamboozled over there, bonobos. We'll never be a sponsor. Kippy's upside down in a three button Eurocut. I mean, if it's fun to say, there's no way that it's serious. Yes, at all. You can't get anything serious from bonobos. It's just too fun.

Where'd you pick this merchandise up at? It's getting shipped to me. Well, whatever, we'll get into it. I don't know. It's buying suits off Amazon. I'm going to lose it. I'm going to be honest with you. I was furious at the whole transaction.

But we've talked about what we're going to wear. Now that we have a little bit of cash, we want to look good. We want to show off. I love it. It's the new money. We want to represent ourselves as new, you know, not the bozos we once were.

I got a sweet Bryce Harper jersey on there. As long as you guys don't show up in jeans, I'm like terrified that the Scopo is going to show up in like a fucking Metscher show. Scopo wouldn't. He's got a baseball bat on his shoulder. But there always is. I mean, there's always one guy at a wedding with maybe not

jeans, but there's always the one somebody underdressed. In khakis, khakis in a blue blazer. See khakis, khakis don't even, because it's the middle of summer. It's New York. It's going to be hot. We're going to be in the woods. I mean like dockers. Dockers, yeah.

If you show up to my wedding in cargo pants, I will send you home. I will tell you to take a walk on the cruise. I got a whole suit of cargo pants. It's got the pockets on the jacket. Unless it's a full suit. Unless it's a costume that I'm fine with it. But if you're just like, if you just dress shitty on purpose

and like not funny. But I'm scared. Like I've already had people ask if they can wear shorts. And I've had to be like, I'm not sure. I don't think. I think they do. They are selling suits like suit with the shorts. They're like hand and they look like.

Which is kind of if it's like. If you can pull it, you have to be in really good shape and good looking to pull that off. Otherwise you look like a fact. Yeah, you can't hem your pants that you currently have and keep your jet like you'll look like a fucking asshole. Or you wear like or like I sent some of my college friends. I sent them like on Amazon.

They've got like bright red ones or ones that just have like piano keys over them. I'd be like, this I'd be okay with because you guys, we were theater majors and you're ridiculous anyway. But in general, I feel like I've been telling people like, you know, a nice, like dress like a girl, like an adult. Dress like you've done it.

We have this conversation. Yeah. And Kevin yelled at me for grilling you about what to wear because I was worried about it too. And as we've said on the podcast, it's tricky for a fat guy because you can go out and get the nicest suit and the nicest shirt and tie.

But once that jacket comes off and like, you know, it's the buffet time and everything's pulled out. You know, you look like a principal. You look like a principal. You look like a principal. Mr. Fully. You can't control these kids. You can be yelling at everybody to go to sleep.

Be quiet in the halls. Is that weed I smell? It will be. Are you worried about people? Will you be upset if somebody shows up very under dressed? No, I mean, in all honesty, like my wedding's gonna be a fucking circus. I was just, I just told you guys,

I was trying to buy toys at a store. Like I was literally trying to buy those yard long drinks that they sell in Vegas to like just have on hand for fun. And you are trash. You are fucking garbage. No, I just love Vegas. And I like, I told Vegas. Tell me, that was not, not on the list of places

to get married. To get married in Vegas. I told Robbie, I was like Vegas and he's like absolutely fucking not. Yeah, well he's like a mild mannered gentleman. Yeah, he's put together. He's got some trashy roots and stuff like that, but he's subtle together.

You're just off, you're looking for, you know, three foot long fucking drink data for your wedding. Guys, I hate it sweet. It's supposed to be a bride. I hate it sweet. You want a kamikaze family. If that was available, I fucking would. I truly like, I-

Over by the fireball family. I've ordered. Wait, he's from Tampa? He claims Tampa. He's grown up all over the world. He's grown up everywhere, but his- Born in South Africa. Yeah.

And then lived in England, lived in Gibraltar, lived in fucking St. Thomas. These are learned people. Well, if he brings any guests from Tampa, you better check them for Zannie bars. There's a whole table of people from Tampa. I kind of want to sit at that table. Yeah, me too.

Adventure Island pass holders, they're season pass holders. That's what their table is called. There is just a fucking bus of Tampa people filming. Little Margaritaville and cocaine. Yeah. That's the wrong way. I mean, I'm not saying- Someone's going to have a cut all soup for sure.

Someone's going to have a snake skin gene jacket. Yeah! Ow! Snake skin gene jacket. I don't even know if that's a thing, but if it is, send me one. If you're going to get snake skin denim, Tampa floor is where you get them.

Yeah, exactly. No, I'm trying to keep this as classic, because it's also expensive, but in my head, I've already bought just toys and things. I have a drag queen singing at dinner. Like, there's just, it's going to be a fuck. It's going to be like Tiger King. That's what I'm expecting.

The Tiger King wedding of the century. I should have had a theme. I should have had a tiger theme. That would have been great. But I wanted to make sure that I didn't embarrass you. So that's why I asked you specifically with what I would wear would be okay, because I'm combining what Kevin has taught me

over the last couple of months about etiquette and stuff like that, and putting myself together well. But then I also don't want to have the fucking shirt tucked in. I got it. So I'm thinking short sleeve button down, untucked. Nice. With a nice blue suit. You can't hit short sleeve button down, untucked.

I mean, nice. Well, because when I take the jacket, when I take the jacket off. No, no, no, nice. You're trash. You're fat trash. That's what you are. Untucked.

No tie. Nice. You're not doing a tie? I'm talking a nice bowling pin right here on the lapel. Oh my God. You could wear a Valero tie. Yeah. What's a Valero tie?

A Valero tie is like one of those like a, like it's like a beaded thing. I hate those. A Bolo, I call them Bolo tie. Yes, yes, that's what that's, that's it's street name. That's Bolo tie. If you're in the know, it's a Bolo.

I'd rather wear a bow tie. Do it. Or a piano tie. That's real class. Piano, Keen, Hecti. I invented it. What's that from? Zoolander.

I invented the piano, Keen, Hecti. That's right. I love that. Oh, fuck, that's good. So you have a blue suit. Not yet, I'm gonna. Okay, and what's your suits? Well, I have, I'm pretty good at suits.

I have a handful of suits already, all dark. I got a suit when I got married last year. I got one made, but it was wool because it was on the winter. So it's thick. I'm like, I need a summer suit. This is gonna be too hot. I got a couple of weddings this summer.

And I'm like, No, in Germany. We're going to Germany like two days after your wedding. Oh, nice. This guy, I don't know, he's zipping our international business. I gotta go get more fucking investors because we're thankin' over there.

Pack your briefcase. Put times to ship leave from the docks to get to Europe. The wedding's in December. It's a four-week trip. You guys are working your way across on a lobster boat. So. We even had a nothuck. That was three different accents, to be honest with ya.

Showin' my range, baby. Showin' my range. You ever know who's watchin'? Folks, I'm available. Hello, Hollywood. I said, Norfolk. I said, lobster. I'm from Boston.

Get ready for my show. You are the type of guy to show up to a wedding in a fake character and like switch it up at every table. Yeah. No, never. Oh, what do you mean, personality-wise? I've never really been at weddings where I was that anonymous.

Like people, anybody I've ever got invited, everybody knew who I was. That's not sayin' much. Yeah, of course not. That's very telling of your personality. Nobody wants to be around you unless they're related to you and you have to be there contractual.

The infamous Foley is comin' to the wedding. Everyone's like. Oh my God, fuck, we gotta invite Henry. That's what the conversation goes. We were talkin' off air before. I've had some instances where I've embarrassed myself at weddings. Casey also did.

I mean. Similar. I can remember we're a mess. I, because here's the thing, I'm a fun time, you know me, but you know when I boost it up, I get a little questionable. Yeah, she's a little, what we call it,

what we call it, Tootie, she's a little bonkos, okay? It's broad bonkos. So I do remember one, a wedding that I went to. Whose wedding was it? It was my friend from college, Kristen. Are you goin' solo? I went solo. You're there solo.

Are you in the wedding party? Yeah, cause I was single for a long time. Are you trolling for Don or no? Always. Like, there's no reason not to. Yeah, you dumb fuckin' was the weekend, huh? There was no reason not to, but it was also like laundry day,

so I was wearing this dress, but the underwear didn't kind of quite go with it. I'm listening. So I decided, I just, I decide after a few drinks that I just throw them away and I'm like, whatever. Anyway, I got blackout drunk. Bless you, broad.

I get blackout. Closing a bedroom comes out with no undies on. Yeah, but here's the thing, not responsible enough to do that. Do you know what I mean? Like, I end up, their drink, you could tell we were still in our 20s, cause I think their,

their especially cocktail was like a kamikaze shot. Nice. You're doing shots in a wedding? Trash. Blackout. So I- Grab cakes are fake. I can tell you that.

Yeah, I woke up in a friend's bed and I was like, okay. Like I literally, I remember being like, ah, and I remember dancing to like some song. And then I woke up and was like, okay. There's like, there was like a giant staircase. And I guess I just was like, see you later. And I went down, but no underwear on. So I just was sprawled out

in the middle of this hotel lobby. Just push a, push a float. And it was just everywhere and- Thank God it was before cell phones. In front of like her family. Like there was grandparents that probably were like, oh, we didn't know that people are chaving now. You know, like-

Like something, so I just remember like- The ring bear saws first labia. Yeah, I was supposed to like go sleep over a friend's house. And I remember he called me the next day. He's like, you never called me. I was like, I didn't call anybody. I woke up like in my friends, like the bride, everybody, the whole bridal party took pictures of me

passed out like in the bed. Ouch. And then I just was like, well, see you guys later. And then I really haven't talked to them since. Really? Jesus Christ. No, we're friends on social media,

but it was just one of those that I was like, that was not one of my betters showing. Did you get anybody else's wedding that was there? Like any of the other girls that were getting married? I think the other ones were, no, I wasn't close enough. The other girls that I was close to there had already gotten married and then nobody else that was close.

Gotcha. So you weren't like black balled from? No, no, no. I mean, again, I think I was still a good time. You know, even in my blackout state, I'm still making things happen. I don't know if Ann Helen told the same thing. But I just like just down a spot.

Like, could you just imagine down a spiral staircase? Because it's still kind of like a classy type staircase. It's the classiest staircase to fall down. Yeah, with just Jiner in the Wind. And so that's just, that was a. Jiner in the Wind. That was a. That's not the name of the episode.

I don't know what it is. That's the name of my next album. It's an Elton John song. Casey Balsham is Jiner in the Wind. Like a Jiner in the Wind. So that was definitely an interesting one. I mean, there's definitely been lots of like, I'm always a person like, you know,

I stay up the whole time, you know, I'm like, is there an after-after party? Is there an after-after party? Like just all of it. Are we all going in the pool with fucking our dresses on? I don't know how people have that stamina without, you know, without stimulants, honestly. Because it's like, yeah, the dude, they'd stay for that.

And then you told me your brother at the wedding, he's closing down the bar. Oh, well, yeah. And he asked for like 45 Heineken's. No, they were like, they closed. It was on my sister's wedding. And, you know, it was a big nice event. And, you know, my family's all fucking booze bags.

So they go, hey, my brother's trying to get a drink. They're like, no, we're closed. Like it's last call. You gotta, everyone's leaving and we're done. And he's, you know, starts fucking, you know, what the fuck? Now, you know, not like causing a scene, but not not causing a scene.

Like he was very close to a scene. So my dad came over and was just like, you know, hey, you know, like, come on, like just like, listen, give him what he wants and this will be over. Everything will be fine. Yes, we'll solve your problems by giving him, just give him whatever he wants. And they go, all right, listen, you know,

what do you want? He goes, I'll take 13 margaritas. And they're like, I was like, that's fucking chestnut checkers right there. I gotta fucking respect that. I like, did they give it to him? No, they were like, sir, we'll give you two beers. Which he took gladly.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like sleeping on the bus in two seconds. Are you worried about the comics mixing with your family and non-comedians? See, here's the thing. We don't have like a ton of family. Because this might as well be the Met Gala for us. I know.

Like this is the nicest thing that we're all gonna be attending together. I know, I'm so excited. Can I submit a packet to you guys? Yeah, yeah, but it's 30 pages long. And it's all political. No topical. I'll see you guys at the reception.

Oh yeah, come by. The thing is that we really don't have like, we have very, there's only gonna be like, and I still call them grown-ups, cause I just, I just, you know, at weddings, it's grown-ups and kids. It's mainly kids. It's literally like, I think there's gonna be,

there's six tables of comics, one table of Tampa people, and then like our table with like our family and a couple close friends from home. So it's mainly comics. Comics are gonna be running in the aside, it's gonna inmates are running in the aside. It's mainly comics, yeah, but you know what I did, but you know what's interesting,

you guys aren't sitting at the same table. Ooh, for all parties involved, that's probably better. That's patreon.com folks. I was like, I wonder, I split up a lot of like, pairs, Corinne and Christina aren't sitting together. Wow. I know, I really, I really went for it. You gotta mix it up a little bit.

I know, I know, but if I was just like, you guys are sitting with people you don't know. That would be weird. Sometimes I think about that like, the approach of like just, I know. They do that on purpose to cause mingling. I know, do you think that that's a good thing or a bad thing? I've been at bad tables.

Yeah, you get a bad table. That's why I started smoking again, cause I was at a bad table at a wedding in fucking Italy or wherever the fuck we were. And you were like, this fucking sucks. And I was like, this fucking sucks. It was the worst. Half the table didn't speak English.

Like booze couldn't fix it? No. And it was, oh, I mean, they, at that point, it was just red. It was just, it was just wine at the table. And I mean, yeah, I was like, you could have fucking injected me with red wine to get to take the edge off.

Like there was not enough white wine in the building to get me to have fun at that table. That's the thing is that wine will get you drunk, but it doesn't get you like uppity drunk. Do you know what I mean? Like wine, you'll get fucking fucked. You won't remember some things. You'll brown out and stuff like that,

but you're not going to be like, dance all night. You're not going to be, you need- It doesn't really give you the fucking kick. You need some cold stuff. You need a vodka soda. You need some coronas. Who has the better table? Kippy or Foley?

I actually like both the tables a lot. Really? Your table's called Road Hacks. Your table is called- Fat guys. Your table's called NYCC Green Room. So it's very fun. You're with like Canon and Feeney.

You're with Verzi and Emilio and Berg. And yeah. Nice. Yeah. Sold. Yeah. We're going to arm wrestle. You guys are like next to each other.

I just, in the past, being at a table where you don't know people, I feel like you have to be on. I know. When it's just a family, it's nice. But then it does get a little like isolationist. When it's like, when like the Foley's are over here and this one's over there.

The mutant's a table nine. Yeah. What we have is we have five tables of 10 in the middle and then the sides are, it's four tables of 24. So we've got like big old tables and then five tables in the middle and then like a dance. I mean, how many people are coming to this event?

Like 146. But that's with four babies. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. So our original number was 170, yeah. Well, here's the thing too is, I told my sister, I was like,

the babies just have to stay up because you can't leave the baby and put a monitor. Like they won't let you leave the baby alone. So I don't even know. Because the place to that, there's some rules. There's like proper review this document. I know. Like what?

But I also feel like it's not going to be like that when you get there. But because so many people have gotten married, he said it's a fucking blast. Oh, really? Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured the people that bring babies,

you bring a nanny. I always thought that was classy. Well, my sister, yeah. Well, one of our friends is bringing like grandma. Like, so it's there, his mom, they have twins. And then my sister got her husband and her husband's sister. So I was like, oh, maybe Auntie Belair has to go to bed early. But she's also single.

So I kind of want her to like have fun and maybe like, you know, get her butt touched or something. So like, I'm all for, that's the thing is that we don't have a ton of single friends now. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. Like I think when, if I had this wedding 10 years ago, everybody would be fucking everybody.

And that's what, that's like my dream. Is that my friends just like all make out on the grass. Yeah. But now, but now there's not a ton of people that can touch each other's butts, but I still hope it happens. Yeah, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be peeking, peeking. I'll be wherever you need me, sir.

Butt touching for the, for the cause. So most of the time in the security closet. Gang, let's talk about our good friends over there at ladder, right? The best. To love them. Life insurance is something that I've always worried about. I'd never had that opportunities to get it.

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Now back to the show. And then where are you registered? We didn't, we were like- You're doing cash, you want money? Yes. Yes. Clap it up for that. My friends don't need to buy me China.

Yeah. Plus it's now like rental cars are hella expensive and people are like coming in, that we're also, like again, we're 40, we have shit. You know what I mean? You're 40? I'm 39. Gross.

I know, I know. I wouldn't have had you back yet. To be honest with you, if I would have known that. This is only for kids. Gross. But no, yeah, we have a honeymoon fund, which is basically like help us pay off the wedding. Where's that gonna be?

Oh, I love that. Honeymoon, we're gonna do Italy and I think we're gonna do like- I ain't paying for you two bozos to go to Europe. Rome, Malta, Dolomites, and maybe South of France. You know, we haven't been to- The South of France? We're gonna go everywhere, baby.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. His family's there, right? No, his family's in Spain. Yeah, South of France is just where all the cheese and the wine and the flowers. So you're doing cash. What would you expect to find podcasts,

pop an upstanding gentleman to drop in them blood? Think in mind we got a cook and Patreon. What would you want from two guys like us? Ooh, oh shit, okay, don't do it. What are you doing in my face? What are you expecting? Well, listen, like $100 from each of you, from each of you, okay, five.

I got that on me. All right, all right, all right, $200 a piece. Give me three extra plates or whatever you're having. $200 a piece. $200 a piece and a pause for our date, so four? No, just $200 a piece. I'm doing more net. What are you doing?

That's fine. I gotta top you. That's the CEO. I gotta spend more than you. I'll write it down. I'm not saying it out loud. Okay. We ask every person who comes in here

how much they drop at a wedding. You won't say what you're gonna throw? I know what I'm doing. I'm doing three. I'm doing four. She just made 700 bucks. Thank you so much. $3,000, I'm doing $3,000, $3,000.

I'm publicly saying four. It's really gonna be $250, the Foley system. I like all of this. No, I'm just happy that as you get older, your friends can actually even put a hundred. I remember in college, it would just be me and 10 friends and we'd all throw 20 bucks in an envelope and hand it to the couple.

Bad. Have you ever not given a gift? I for sure have not given a gift. That's a part of the story of my one family friend got married. I wasn't kind of a bad mental place at the time. Because you're stable now. Congratulations, you're doing better.

I was young and angry. But it was in the middle of fucking July and I had to wear this thing and it was all outside. All right? Is this all outside? No, because the pavilion is inside, but there's big doors and then there's a little bar right across the way and then there's a bar.

So you can go in somewhere and cool off. It's gonna be cool. Yeah. We're not gonna be fucking under the blame. This thing was out, there was nothing inside. You were just outside. That's a lot. Dude, it was like, it was like a heat wave.

Bugs, it was in a tent, no fans. So I started drinking yingling lagas. All right? And next thing you know, I'm fucking hammered. Hammered, like I'm hammered drunk. Like we left as a family, me, my mom, my dad, my brother, because I was so drunk. I like beer hammered.

I know, I got in the car and I started crying. I'm having like this meltdown. My dad's driving. He's like, what the fuck's with this guy? And I never gave them a gift. So when I would see them periodically, like a couple months later, you'd see them at like a cookout or you'd see them at Christmas or Thanksgiving.

And I'm like, oh, sorry, I forgot that. I want to make sure I get it to you and blah, blah, blah. And never gave it to them. I have that. I have that currently with like three people. Such a dirt ball thing. No, I haven't. It feels like chains on you.

It does. It does. I do wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and go, yeah. I think literally almost every wedding I've gone to, I haven't given anything. That's why I was poor. I was like working at restaurants. I was just like, if I'm going to fly to fucking Hawaii,

I'm sorry, I can't give you a gift. When are they probably rather not have me there and just have the gift? You know, they probably just send something to the register. Yeah, we don't need someone showing their fucking cooch in the lobby. That one I didn't show my cooch at. Hey, would Casey get you for your wedding?

Her asshole, apparently. No, at that wedding, I sweet talked a cop to like not find somebody or something like that. I remember I took a picture with them and I had to send it to Robbie to be like, just in case this floats around the internet. It was just me on a cop, like me. This was recent?

That was a couple years ago. Well, I mean, you're with Robbie. So yeah, it wasn't in your early 20s. What the fuck? I feel like your wedding is going to have a Yeagermeister tap. I wish. Do you guys remember Yeager? Sponsored by Monster Energy Dream?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Sponsored by Cushy Dreams. Welcome back to the bottom-sloven wedding. What time's Gravedigger showing up? The dance floor is just like a wrestling ring. It's off the top rope is the bride. Tony Hawk officiates it.

Be pretty sweet. Yeah, no, I've never given gifts. I've been really bad like that. But I've just always been fucking poor. Yeah, well, poor in the sense that, like, I always spent my money on stupid shit and never had enough. You know, like, poor in the sense

that I would just go out and fucking booze it up or buy fucking stupid clothes or something. Sure. The thing that haunts me, and obviously we know, nobody forgets that. I know. People say, oh, it doesn't matter. It fucking matters.

They are clocking every move you make. Well, you don't get the thank you card. Of course not. They're not like, thanks for coming. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah. I know.

Thanks for costing us $150. I think I forgot to give somebody a gift for their wedding by accident, and I still got the thank you card. And I think it was kind of like your fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I can't remember who it was. I've gotten assed afterwards, like, hey. What? Yeah.

Yeah. You've been confronted. I've been confronted. By who? By, you know, family? No, an associate. A friend? Yeah.

Hey, couldn't help but notice. Hey. I know I saw your big head fucking sucking down filet tips. I was in the wedding. You were in the wedding? I don't think you should have to buy a gift sticker in the wedding. I ain't bringing a fucking suit. I'm into the hotel.

You have to do everything. I'm traveling. That's cheap, oh shit. Also, I didn't have the money. What, this guy's sad. Like, I had about $40 in my account the day of the wedding. Yep. What, this guy's sad?

It was the lady, and she was sh. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you friends with? Both of them. But proper both of them? Yes. All right. I was going to say.

No, it wasn't like I was getting. She starts piping up. You know, straighten your glady out there. And no, I just got like a, Jiner in the wind. I don't even notice, Bird. What's the deal? Because that would be embarrassing if your friend's girlfriend. I think it was like, never see me again.

It was more like, hey, we just want to make sure it didn't get lost. I was like, you know it didn't get lost. Oh, it got lost. That was, that's a very passive track. I left it right there on the cake. I put it right in between the bride and the groom. I also, this is pretty trashy too. I went to another one.

This was maybe a couple of years ago. And same thing, day of, like, I think it was just like, we got, it was in Philly. We got there late. We were running behind and had time to stop and get a card or whatever. So I'm like, oh, I'll just fucking mail one. And what I think the rule of thumb is you have up until like,

you have like a year, you have one year to provide your gift. And it's still being social. These are 50s rules. No, they are. Whatever, baby. Because I've always told myself. If it's in my favor. I'm like, oh, I have a year.

And then like two years pass, I don't want to see. That's, that's the big, that's the worst thing. Cause you go, I got six more months to push this down. You know, kick this down the road. But I, I fucking, I didn't go give the gift or whatever. And I was like, fuck, I'm going to get in front of this. Right. And I'd gone with my wife too.

So she was like, we got a, like she's on top. Like we got, but like it's my friend. So like, she doesn't know how to contact a person to get like an address or anything. So I'm like, oh, what's your address or something? Wait, you were with your girl at this time? With, yeah, with my wife. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. It was a couple of years ago. Especially let that slide. I told him, I guess it's American, you know what I'm talking about. Things are different over here. Things are different over here. All right, we get,

It's actually an insult. We get 10 years to give a gift after a wedding. We give it on the day of their funeral. That's that blender you wanted bit. We wait and see how things go for a couple of years. And she, I forget what happened. And then I was like, fuck, I wasn't confronted. I forget how it came up.

But I was like, oh, shit, I did mail it and I hadn't. Nice. And she goes. Welcome to the dark side. She goes, yeah, our mail always gets fucked up. It doesn't in that mind too. Same thing, crazy. She's like, send to this address.

And I'm like, what? I'm like, I'm just gonna Venmo it to you. I just Venmoed her right then. I said, here's like 300 bucks or whatever. Jesus. I was like, I'm getting this. You want the money. You don't want my card.

I'm not going to the post office. I'm not going to the store. Take the fucking cash. End of transaction. Good for her. That's fucking garbage though. Yeah, that's on her end. 100%.

What? Yeah, there has to be certain. Listen, there's scumbags. Sure. All right. Three at this table right now. And one in the corner. And one in the corner.

Check please. I forgot the one in the corner. It's like one of those things to make sure you're not a robot. The captcha. Don't forget about T-Bone. Mark all the scumbags you see in this picture. But there has to be etiquette in the world. And most people have to abide by that.

People with like regular jobs that are getting married, that have families, they got to be the ones to look the other way and take the high road. I can carry it. So Toby said, you can't have that. I don't think I was confronted. I think it came up of like, oh. We can't all be dirtbags.

Because if we're all dirtbags, then nobody can dirtbag. And if I can't dirtbag, what's the point of living? I don't like, I don't like. That's your independent state speech. If I can't be a piece of shit. Nobody gets to be a piece of shit. You're going to come here from another planet and tell me I can't be a piece of trash?

It's my God-given American right. No, I just, I actually don't like the idea that we have to buy. I don't like the idea of these registries. I don't like the idea that we have to buy people their kitchenware. I just think it's weird. I think it's super dated. And I also think that there should be etiquette rules

with like, if you have a destination wedding, you're not getting any gifts. Yes. There's no, I have come to a different country. Like you are not going to get anything from me. It's a tough look. Yeah. It's a nice vacation, but it's a tough look.

I mean, I think you give a card and just say, so happy for you guys. And you know, you don't like break anything when you're at the wedding. I don't think we should have to buy people fucking dishes. No, hold on. I just don't think that. But is that, is that our financial situation,

saying that like, if what if you were a millionaire, you would still give a gift, right? I would probably still, I would feel like money is just never a bad idea. Right. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Cold hard gifts.

A little bit of gifts. What I'm just saying, are we like bitching about the destination weddings and no, you shouldn't have to give a, is that because we don't have money? If you had money, you'd be like, yeah, give a gift, of course. I mean, maybe.

Yeah, sure. But most people don't have money. Like, zoom out. Most people to go, say you're going to the fucking Dominican Republic to get married or whatever. It's like, that's a, that's 12 hundo. It sounds personal, but go ahead.

No, I didn't go, but I was still like, as a, no, I just picked that. Um, I swear to God. I swear to God. If you have to go to Dominican Republic in 2012, for John's wedding. It might have been 2012, honestly. I'm just picking numbers here.

What I'm just saying, it's like, it's also like people go, oh, well it's a vacation. It's like, yeah, well it's a vacation with everybody from your wedding. And like, I wouldn't choose to, my vacation wouldn't be like, hey, let's go hang out with John's family. Wouldn't have your cousin Mabel at it.

Exactly. So it's like, if you don't get a full vacation, you're paying a bunch of money for, to do what they want to do, like to be on their schedule or whatever. So it's, it is a little wonky. It's like, I, unless I really wanted to go, or they were really close to me,

I'm not going on any destination weddings. Yeah. Just not having. I like the face throw, giving a nice gift. You like to what? Like the face throw of giving a nice gift. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You like to be like, this is, that people like see it and they're like, oh my God. I'm signing my card. I'm signing my card. Face throw. 400 bucks. 250.

I love it. I love it. I'll give you a Bitcoin. You think I care? Dude, you are presented with a very unique opportunity with your wedding. All you have to do is invite all the comics onto your podcast there.

Just give them a hug, be like, come to my podcast. And then everybody gets to write off everything they spend at the wedding. I mean. It's not bad. It's going to do it anyway, but okay. You're just going to sign your check. It's okay.

All right. I got three weeks to invite to have 140 podcasts. That would be so fucking exhausting. I wouldn't even make it to my video. No, you don't have to record the podcast. You just got to talk about it. Every single thing from. Oh, I was invited everyone to dinner

and say the word podcast. Adoring your vows. Just be like, hey guys, check out my Shady Shit podcast. That's promotion. That whole event is promotion. Two five minutes, you're covered. Is that old thing old? I'll think about doing the podcast.

That way I get to write it off. You get to write it off. I put my room under, are you garbage? Did you? I'm going to fucking deny that charge connection. Also to hear how trashy and just shitty we are. We were on the road and we ordered, it was like three in the morning after the shows

and drinking and we ordered like $150 worth of tacos or something and the card got flagged. It was like, is this your purchase? I had to be like, yes, I am buying $158 worth of tacos at 3am. I like that. They couldn't just tell by the LLC that says, are you garbage? And they look and they're like,

these guys are definitely buying $800 worth of fucking Taco Bell right now. Well, we're excited. We can't wait. I'm so excited. It's going to be a good time. Yeah, I think it's going to be, I hope it's like, you know. Plus we'll have to have you on for maybe a Patreon episode

to do a recap. Oh yeah. See how things pan out. Yeah, because it's like, it's so much, because you know when you're planning a wedding, it's like, you have to remember that weddings, they don't need, as long as there's alcohol and food, like people are going to be fine.

That's all I care about. Do you know what I mean? Give me the booze cold, couple of good potatoes, a decent piece of meat. What's the cake situation? We're doing donuts. Really? Yeah, cause like here's my thing on the cakes too.

It's, there's so much fucking money. They're like $800 to $1,000 for something that sits there. And then when it's cut and put out, most people are like dancing. So it just sits at the tune. I mean, nobody eats it. You know what I mean? Nobody eats it.

So we're just the, since it's in the Hudson Valley or wherever, we're going to just do apple cider donuts and they have like some cookies and fruits that they put out in coffees and stuff like that. I don't mind it. I don't, and it's also like way cheaper. Here's the thing. We're doing an expensive wedding

on the cheapest way we can do. It's two days. So it's fucking like, you know, it's not cheap, but also we're not spending money on things that don't matter to us. I've never thought about my cake. We don't have, you know, like I don't, there's certain things that I'm just like.

Yeah, whatever. Whatever. My shoes are from Amazon. Like I'm not going to buy a budgeted, like $100 shoes that you can't even fucking see underneath of the gown. Like I could give a fuck, you know. And I'm pretty sure you're going to be dancing barefoot.

My sister's buying. Every girl gets barefoot at their wedding. Do you have another thing I want to talk about? Casey's going to be bonkos. I, yeah. Have you assigned a handler? Do you have a handler ready to go for you? Also do you have a party?

Do you have a wedding party? Are you just doing you two? No, it's just me. It's just my sister and his sister. So that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So because again, like, I think when you're older, you just realize like, I don't want to put,

I don't need it. Like I just, it's just me and Robbie. Plus we're already married. Yeah, you guys got married fucking six years ago. So things are shamed, folks. These cameras aren't even plugged in. Yeah, it is just really like us being like, oh, in front of all of our friends,

will you guys keep us accountable for not being dicks to each other? For the listener, this got pushed. So money grab, that's what this is. That's what this sounds like. I want the cash, baby. This got pushed like 18. It was supposed to be in March, right?

May, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's been pushed a bunch of times. It got pushed. It was supposed to be May, then it was in October. And then when we picked this July date, there was still a ton of restrictions. Like it was still like footloose. It was like, you could only dance at your tables.

You can't hug anyone. Everybody has to wear a mat. And none of the places were open. So everything was gonna have to be outside. So luckily we were like, you know what, I think July is gonna be good. And then so now we have like this pavilion and this barn and this like,

this little bar that is on there, I can't wait for you guys to see it. It is so old school. It's like all wooden with like the green lantern. Like it's so fucking, it's so cool. I mean, Robbie, we're both like, if we can't have that place, we might just cancel the wedding.

Like it was like the little bar area was so cool. Like it was such part of like the experience there. But yeah, I'm excited. Now we can all like just lick things and like, you know, take our shoes off. Do you have any weird, is there gonna be any weird like traditions where like you take the garter all?

We're doing the Jew chairs. The Jew chairs? Yeah, we're doing it. I don't think that's proper. The Jew chairs. Is Robbie's Jewish wedding? Robbie's Jewish. Are you Jewish?

Yeah, I'm fake Jewish. Cause like I found out that my, do you guys not know the story that I was like, so my whole life people have been like, you're Jewish. And I'm like, I'm not like, when I lived in Hawaii, people would literally, which is so not actually cool tables would be like, I'm sorry, we're just arguing.

What are you? Cause they thought I was Persian. They thought I was like, you know, Spanish. Yeah, you were Irish. A lot of people, I am Irish, but I thought I was Russian. And then I was visiting my aunt for her hundredth birthday. Like she literally was like, oh, well, you know,

being a hundred percent Jewish with my mom. And I was like, well, I'm sorry, what'd you say? She's like, I'm a hundred percent Jewish, which means my grandpa was my grandpa lived with us and he was a hundred percent Jewish. And I asked my dad, my dad was like, yeah, growing up, they just told us not to talk about it. So like my, I didn't know that I had,

so it's not like real cause it's not my mom, but I did not know I was Jewish. And Robby's like, your face has always known. Yeah. You look like every girl I went to high school with. Very Jewish, but I had no fucking idea. But so yeah, we're doing the, I know they're not called Jew chairs,

but that's what I told my venue. We're doing the Jew chairs. To get a good deal. And that's a valley. For one Jew to another. We're gonna break the glass and then we're gonna. I broke the glass.

Yeah, we're gonna break it, but I read that we're just gonna break a light bulb in a bag, because I heard that's easier to break than actual glass. Come on. That's the trashiest thing I've ever fucking, you're breaking a light bulb. I'm not going to this wedding.

You just went from a fictional 400 that was really 250? We're gonna crush it later with a rock. I got a couple of M80s we're gonna settle. I was on the Googles and I was like, cause I was all of a sudden I was like, oh, I probably have to get like a certain glass. What is happening? And then on Amazon, it was like,

oh, you can get these glasses and they're $30 and 60. I'm not gonna fucking buy a $30 glass. Just take one from the table. Well, that's yeah, people say a wine glass, but then somebody was like, oh, a light bulb is just really easy to break. And I was like, and that made sense to me for some. Don't tell anybody else.

Yeah, that's fucking insane. Why? A light bulb? That's gotta be bad luck or something. You gotta make the noise. Yeah. You can't use an ashtray or something like that. Get a glass.

Come on. Fine. I'll bring a fucking, I mean, what's a wine glass? I'll bring a wine, but then it's a lot. Okay, I'll bring a stemless wine glass. There you go. Light bulb. Yeah, you can't be stepping on 60 watts.

That's fucking nuts. You wrap it in a fucking. You wrap it in like a napkin or a bag. Yeah. No, not a bag. It's that bag. Who's the fish eating this thing? Don't you have like a rabbi doing this?

No, we have a rabbi's friend. It's her bodega guy. Yeah. Yeah. Mommy, you want to get married? Yeah. Crushing an Arizona can. Yeah.

Yeah, he's making us delightful paninis and then pronouncing us. I do. No, it's rabbi's friend that is ordained and he's married all of rabbi's other friends. And so we told him where we want to do the glass thing and then he's like, well, neither of us really know what it meant and that we were Googling in it.

And it was like, that has like a bunch of different meanings but he's like, I'll find the better one. Cause the real meaning is it represents the temples of Jerusalem being taken down. Well, we don't. That's not what we want on our own. Saturday, let's keep it light. We still got some bocce ball to play after this thing.

Buddy, it's a Monday. We even talked about how trashy it is getting married on a fucking Monday. That's great. Monday at seven. Yeah, and a week there. Monday. Man, who's doing the Monday, the Monday evening wedding?

Same time, Jeopardy's on. It's a Monday light bulb wedding. Man, this thing really is, it's like lipstick on a pig. The place is beautiful, everything's, but you're just doing it as trashy as you possibly can. It's gonna be nice. It's gonna be a blast, but you just talked about smashing a light bulb instead of a glass.

I know, because I, listen, you know, Robbie, it's not. And I forgot it was on a Monday. Yes, we're doing a Sunday to Tuesday extravaganza. Well, everybody works on Saturday. No, as a comedian, it makes sense. And it's way cheaper. Half the fucking price. Yeah, exactly.

But it also, now that it's in July, there's the pool is open, it's gonna be something. Really? Yeah. I've only got my one piece out. But you guys- I just threw up in my mouth. Just threw up in my mouth.

You don't think I'm hitting that pool? I wanna see. Please bring floaties. But no, I just, I read, well, you've seen Robbie. That's what I was gonna say. So do you think he could break a regular glass? Yeah, of course. He's a light, he's a gentle man.

It's a wine glass. It's a wine glass. It's not stone cold. Take it easy. I know, I mean. I would love a few people's elbowed the glass. Okay, so no light bulb. Okay, fine, I'll get a wine glass.

Yeah, get a wine glass. This is fucking bonkers. I like the donuts. It's great. Love those apples. Donuts. Those apple cider donuts ain't too bad. And then the night before-

What are we talking bar here? Bar is open bar, but it's- I was scared to ask honestly. I didn't wanna bring the mood down. That bar that you're talking, that's open bar. Yes, the only thing that's not, so the barbecue's hosted, anything that's at the little bar is cash,

but we're hosting two hours at the barbecue, and I think the wedding is like six or seven, six hours. So six hours of open bar. And then two hours afterwards are gonna be cash bar. But I'm gonna bring cash. I'm sure my dad will bring cash. That's like going to the hotel bar, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like- Six hours is great. But hold on, the day before, what's going on now? So there's the barbecue, right? And then so that's two hours, and that's just like ribs and chicken and peach cobbler. And then we're doing the roasts and toast, so people can toast us or roast us.

I think my mom's gonna dance to a song. I don't fucking know what's gonna happen. That's open bar. That's, no, that's cash bar. Okay. Cause that's gonna be over at the little bar, and we'll have like s'mores and stuff. But again, I have a feeling-

What about the chicken? Is that on the house? Yeah, the barbecue's hosted. The barbecue's- We're charging a 450 for a chicken sandwich at the wedding. No, no, no. Hey, Mrs. Bosch, we're gonna get a two piece. Yeah.

We're in the weeds back here. Barb's back there slinging coleslaw. I made an extra slap before ya. We need ones. Get them from the safe. No, no, no. We're hosting the food. Shmitty's late.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just anything at the little old school bar is not hosted. Cause it just, yeah. So cause we were doing two days and then we're hosting the brunch the day after. No, I would never- Really?

Yeah, we're hosting the brunch. And then I'm also gonna have like the day of the wedding as I'm getting ready. I'm gonna buy a bunch of champagne so people can stop by and have a mosso with me or they can hang a bravi down. Torched, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

They're gonna have 140 people doing mimosos with ya. Well, she gotta think about the heat too. I'll get to ya. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's gonna be a nightmare. I'm gonna sweat through my dress. I'm gonna fall down.

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be a good time. It's gonna be great. I'm gonna ruin my shoes. I'm gonna ruin my- I'd make everybody put their cell phones in those bags that you put in.

Do you think I'm having a key party? No, the- A cell phone. Yonder bag. Yeah, like a Dave Chappelle show. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'll be like, nobody. I'm too cool.

I like how your mind went to the orgy real quick. I'm just- Hey, I pitched that. Nobody wanted to do it. Wishful thinking, you know? Like I said, there's not gonna be a lot of grown-ups there, so if you wanna- It's funny.

I love how you're calling them grown-ups. You're 40. I still call them grown-ups. I know, I know. Grown-ups. But again- I would say there's gonna be, there's only gonna be a lot of parents there.

No, there's literally only gonna be my dad, his girlfriend, my mom, her boyfriend, Robby's. That's a tough statement. Yeah. My dad, his bro, dad. Two guys my mom's seeing. Yeah.

And- The flavor of the week. Yeah. And then Robby's parents, and then one of our friends' mom. That's it. You're gonna have to put NDAs next to the salad forks.

I mean, truly. We're like, nothing you saw here. Be the- I don't think there is salad forks. Yeah. Yeah. You should grab a handful of lettuce and gold a day. Need to corn on the cob with your hands.

I hope everybody likes fish fillets for dinner. That'd be awesome. What's the menu? What are we talking about on the menu? Okay, okay, okay. So the night before, like I said, it's like barbecue chicken with all these sauces, ribs, cornbread, mac and cheese, salad,

peach cobbler and brownies. And then the wedding is either the duck or the beef because they had a whole thing and we were like, oh, should we get chicken or salmon? But Robby likes duck and I like steak. So we're like, fuck it, let's just do what we like. So it's duck or steak or the vegetarian option is gnocchi. And then there's a salad that comes with it.

Veggies, twice baked potatoes. Love. A two BP. Classic. Shout out to the two BP. Take it out, chop it up, mix some stuff in, pipe it back in. Oh, and then the appetizers, like for cocktail, or it's coconut shrimp and smoked salmon, like toast.

And then like a big cheese and like veggie and meat thing. Very nice. And then late night at the bar, it'll be chicken fingers and fries. And like probably a bunch of like, we'll get some Costco snacks, things that glow in the dark, ring pops, you know, all the shit.

I like it. Yeah, no, there'll be food. Oh, yeah. No, the food. You might be back up to 250, by the way. I don't know who's gonna be chicken tendies. There's gonna be chicken tenders late night, maybe a couple of sauce.

We don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I have somebody we're gonna walk around with cigarettes, cigars, and joints. I'm like one of those little, like I have Irene walking around like one of those, like a Vegas show girl, like a little box that's gonna have, I bought, I made us matches that say,

you remember for my invite was two souls, one whisper. My invite was two souls, become one whisper. It makes no sense, but I love it. So I have matches and then joints, cigars, and cigarettes. Party. Classy, classy. What kind of cigs? Lucky strikes.

No, you know what? They don't sell them here. Really? No, that's what I smoke in Europe. That's what I smoke in Europe. Somehow that didn't sound classy. No. It's all I can find in Europe.

That's how I read it. No. I instantly thought Eastern when you said that, Eastern Europe. Yeah, no, we'll probably just do Marble Lights. Maybe some Newport. There you go. Newport.

Pretty classy. You smoke newbies? Sometimes I like a menthol. Have you met this woman? I mean. That's what I started on and it was the best. Yeah, everybody starts on that. Yeah, because nobody, when people bum them,

people will ask you for a cigarette and you're like, it's a Newport and they'll be like, never mind. Yeah, not you. You roll the sleeves up and dive in. Lucky strikes in Newports. Robbie's got himself an angel. I say, is there hundreds?

Got any 120s back there? Or you get the parliament so you can do cocaine in the tip, you know? I can't wait for Robbie smashing the fluorescent light bulb. Sometimes it's a long one. You two are doing sword fights? A long one? All right, let's get into some Patreon questions here.

We're all excited, we can't wait. Before we get into the Patreon, finish the story about the suit. I'm sorry, I cut you off. Bonobos. I went to a place where I got my suit for my wedding. Very fancy suit supply. I think it's a Dutch company.

What'd you drop? We'll get into that. So, I went there because they treat you like fucking, you go in, they're like, I do you want an espresso, do you want a Diet Coke, whatever. And this is the first time I'm walking in confidently with money, not emptying out my bank account to get a suit. And not being like, hey, I'm looking,

I'm gonna come back on paid. You sell just pants? I just need a belt, man. You have anything in the back laying around? You get it hemmed somewhere else? You just buy the biddicky part. Oh yeah. I like how you called it hemmed.

That's how you know you're trash. It's an old mom thing. Hemmed, get it hemmed. You tailored, you get the suit tailored. You get your pants let out or hemmed. Yeah, that's what I do. Can you let these out in the waist a little bit? I never understood how that worked to be honest with you.

Let them out in the waist, tighten it up in the crotch a little bit, you know what I mean? Take a little from the crotch, put it in the waistband. Just get it, just get a leg up. So, dude, talk about like, I felt like fucking a pretty woman or whatever. No one, they wouldn't serve me. I'm over there trying jackets on by myself

like a fucking asshole. Not one guy was like, I was in there for 12 minutes. I was furious. Some guy goes, oh, you're good, right? And walked away. I'm sitting there trying jackets on. I'm like, I'm gonna take my fucking hard earned Patreon dollars somewhere else.

But I walked down there to Bonobos. Those fucking jerks off. And she goes, listen, are you familiar with Bonobos? I've heard it on podcasts. And- Strike one. She goes, You bought your suit with a promo code.

Promo code, you made it weird. So I go in. And this is how you know we're like, we don't know how to act. Cause she goes, okay, this is what we do. We'll try it. You try on a suit. We'll find out your sizes.

Then we'll find out what we have in your size and we'll mail it to you. You know what I mean? Mail you whatever styles you choose. You get to try it on and all that. And I go, okay, cool. So we get all fitted. And she goes, oh, I have this one in your size.

And I wanted to like her. I go, okay, cool. But a bang, but a boom. She goes, oh, I also have this one. It's a tan one. Like, you know, like a khaki. She's like, that might be cool too. I go, she goes, I can send you that one.

I go, all right, let's do it. Yeah. She goes, oh, I have the same one in linen. Linen's really nice for the summer wedding. You said you had two. They're male. You don't try. I need to try it on the store and get this over with.

Cause they don't have them in the store. You try on a suit and then all their suits are the same like cut and size. And then they just send you the colors. They just send you the color like this. And you try them on. You're free? Are they fucking idiots?

No. So they go, she's like, and this one, I can send you this one too. I go, all right. And then she hands me a fucking iPad with a bill for 39 hundo on it. She wants right then and there. I said, yo, no, I'm not just buying these fucking suits

to try them on. So what do you do? Send them back the ones you don't want. You send them back and then you get it. That's the same shit the fucking hotel does with holding the fucking credit card over. Are you still mad at Chicago? Marriott's still holding your 50 bucks.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like- Got their beak in my action. I figured it was like, we'll send you, like we'll keep your credit card on file. We'll send you this,

whatever you don't send back in two weeks. We'll do you for it. No, she wanted the 39 hundo up front. How are you doing business like that? I said, and also- On exchanges. And she was like, I'll send you this one and send you that one and send you this one.

I go, yeah, fucking sure. So you walked, right? No, so I bought the suit. Kind of sight unseen. Which one? The tan one? No, it's a gray one. Can we put a suit on Carfax?

It's got some rear end damage. Holy shit. Yeah, it was 750. So you might be getting 150 now that I think about it. Just give me the jacket when you're done. I'd leave Robbie my pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, Kevin's giving us a suit for the wedding.

She'd the shoes. He'd be like the shoes there. Poo! No, so I got 20% off, so it was six hundo out the door. Nice. Which I'm probably gonna return after the wedding. Return the suit. Keep the tags on.

I like that. You've pulled that move, I'm sure, right? She's probably got tags on it right now. No, I pulled them off. But I definitely, I've gotten better with it because I used to just shop recklessly and just the minute I got home, take all the tags off and then get it and be like,

and now I really, I'll leave them on for a bit. But I'm getting better with it. I'm getting more comfortable online shopping knowing that you can return things. I used to never be able to hit buy, because you know when you see the price, even though you know, okay, I'm gonna return three of these. That math doesn't add up in my head.

The second I spend it, it's done. Yeah, sometimes when I see it and I'll be like, oh, $250, I'm like, oh, no. And even though I know I'm only gonna keep $50 for this stuff, I still sometimes can't hit check out. My wife does that. She'll order like four of the same thing to find it. And then next thing you know,

we have like $350 worth of H&M jeans we have to return. Right, right, right, right, right, yeah, yeah. That's now my responsibility to return. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cause you gotta return it at the spot, right? I've got- No, you didn't send it back, but then it's like, you gotta go to the fucking-

Yeah, I've got to end up with that over at, what's it called, Nordstrom. Nordstrom. Cause she gets it delivered and then all of a sudden it's Saturday, I'm trying to watch my highlights and hang out. I gotta fucking run into the city. Don't you mean to read your highlights?

I like that Goofus and Gallant. Yeah. Yeah, I'm lucky now that we have a doorman downstairs so there's like a mail thing. A what? A doorman. A doorman? You are a garbage lady.

A doorman. Kevin, a doorman. Yeah, but you have, wait, I'm shocked she has a doorman. Regardless of she says- No, they got a nice building. They're doing all right over there. A doorman. A doorman.

A doorman. Sometimes when there's man on the end, I do start to minute. Like I say, like- It's not homeless man. Like Spiderman. Like- Oh my God.

Holy shit. Holy shit, it's Spiderman. Sounds like somebody's dentist. Batman? Oh shit, it's Batman Spiderman. I gotta get Spiderman to take this fucking- Spiderman, my doorman. Yeah, Jerry Spiderman?

That's what I'm saying, I make him more of a person. He's more realistic. Jerry Spiderman. I gotta get a root canal with Mr. Spiderman. Yeah, my doorman. But we have just a thing downstairs that's like UPS, USPS. Oh, and the pump take it.

Yeah, and I bought like little envelopes so I can just stick it in tape, so I just stick it and I can just bring it downstairs, which is nice. Cause yeah, if I had to walk to a post office, I wouldn't return anything. I'd live with everything I own. Sure, I have a lot currently that I have like six things

that I have to return. That I'm not going to. Yeah, if it's after 21 days or something, then you just own it and you're like, well... I have a certified letter at the post office. I have to go pick up. Oh, that ain't... I hate that.

My name better not be anywhere on that document. I'm well aware it's not. Certified letters are the worst. It's like just send it. Yeah. Don't make me look at you in the eyes and say I received this. Yeah, well they do that because their scumbag's like,

I don't know what happened, I didn't get it. I don't know what it is. My grandpa used to send me certified mail but it was always just letters of him talking about our family tree. Like you don't need to certify this post office. That's an old school thing. Send it certified mail, make sure they get it.

Yeah. And then I just opened it up and it'd be a picture, like an 1800s picture that was like, you are related to this guy. And I'm like, I don't care. These Joe's don't tell anybody. I know. All right.

Yeah, so let's transfer really, we got to get a couple of questions here. We got a couple of mini open. But we're looking forward to it. It's going to be fun. I'm looking forward to it, Buds. And I have you guys staying. I told you guys are like, your rooms are kind of next to each other.

Kippy, you got a couple of balconies, so you guys can smoke, smoke. You're right across the way. I got a private zone, right? Yes. Yeah. What I'm paying for. Just right over the dock.

They emailed me again today. I got to reserve the room. Yeah. I already did that. Reserved it. 25 bucks. Yeah, 25. And the 25.

Great to be able to do that. That's why you got out in front of me. Yeah, I did mine. Yeah. 25 bucks, Bozo. The 25 you guys paid last time, too, is going to be applied to it. I only got paid 25 last time.

Don't think I forgot about that 25 bucks. That's why I didn't pay this one yet. It does the math on the card. Well, it's 300 minus the 25. Minus the 25, the fucking, they still got all me. Yeah. All right, this one, let's run through a couple of questions here.

OK. This is actually a wedding. This is from Al Michaels. Hey, garbage fam, I'm going to a wedding, and I'm a bit confused if the money I give them is supposed to be hand to hand or in a card. Jesus. Fucking Mikey whispers over here.

If it's out of VFW, I think you can go hand to hand. Anywhere else, put it in a fucking card. Or Venmo. I'm a big money thing guy. What's it called? Money holder, rather than a card. Piggy bank? No.

Give them the piggy bank and a hammer. Those cards that have the little slot in them for money? Yeah, they're different. They're like, they're sure. It's shaped like a check. Yeah, they're long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like those ones, too, but definitely a card.

And you know what's classy is some of those things have little holes where the face of the president is, so you know what you're getting. You ever see one of those? Yeah, when I was seven. Can't be given one of those out of a fucking classy wedding. See, Ben Franklin, you know what I mean? It's great graduation.

Can't give those to somebody on a Monday night wedding. Got to come classy, come correct. All fives. I'm going to give you one of those money bouquets. Do it. Oh, yeah. Can you make me a money necklace? I know people will like fold a bunch of ones.

I'm like, now I can't spend this. You're going to really make me unwrap a fucking necklace to buy a burger? To buy a burger. No, thank you. Doing it at the Burger King? One second. Front twist of it.

Take my jewelry off. How much is it real quick? All right, this one's from Chris Scott. Ever use shampoo as body wash. All the time. I love it. For years. Yes, love it.

Conditioner is great for shaving your legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But absolutely. You know, whatever's liquid in the shower. It's all the same shit. If it's clean in hair, it can clean skin, vice versa. I'm fine with it. Especially when they come up with those two-in-one things.

When they started that bullshit, I was like, that's a free-for-all now. Yeah. Because if you were like doing it with toothpaste. Yeah, if you've ever like camped or been in like a cabin or something, a lot of times, that's all they have. One thing, yeah. One thing, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Yeah, yeah. I used to love, I genuinely liked the way shampoo smells over soap. You get like a nice herbal fucking lady shampoo. Herbal essences. Ocean breeze. Yeah, put that on like one of those scrunchies things. A loofah?

Oh, man. Get all lathered up. It's the best. Shout out to Strawberry Swaft, the best shampoo ever. Swaft stinks. Now it was like they did this. Swaft's trash. They did Strawberry.

Yeah. They did this job right. Swaft and VO5. VO5. Hit the bricks. But when I was a kid, VO5, that was fucking money. No, it wasn't. It was never VO5.

VO5 and Jordash Jeans? Come on. Good night. VO5, they did have like a hot oil that I remember. Like that was like something like everyone's grandma was like, I'm going to hot oil my hair tonight. Because it was salon level. They pitched that salon level.

They told us that. Man, you're really buying the marketing. Oh. Some executives saw you coming from a mile away. Favorite flavors, artificial water. I've always thought you look like a VO5 guy. Absolute. VO5,000.

VO5 and closer. This is from Carl Carlson. Has a family member ever given you an IOU for a birthday or Christmas? No, but Casey's getting one for a wedding. I've never gotten an IOU. Have you given an I or you've gotten an IOU? I feel like I've definitely written a card that

was like, I owe you something. But my mom has owed me a chair. My mom's owed me a chair for her last birthday. Yes, I think I've definitely had one of those. Soon as my check clears, soon as the check clears, you're going to get 50 big ones. Well, my thing is, I have that. My intention is always to pay or give the gift.

I'm just never liquid enough to do it. Sure, I mean. I've gotten in the past, we've gotten the picture of the thing in a card. Like me and my brother, like, hey, you guys are going to get this. Are you Joe Mayo with the fucking massage chair? Yeah.

That's fucking nuts. We got that with a basketball hoop. Still waiting on it? We got it like a year later. Yeah, it was a while. Yeah, I think I've definitely sent something that was like, I owe you a dinner. I'm going to take you out some time.

I think I've definitely told Robbie a couple of times during Christmas, like, I'm working on it. Because I was going to make him this like book with pictures in it, but that was like two years ago. I still have the book. I'm just going to pronounce it. Making presents. That's a bad one.

Yeah, you got the macaroni out. Especially if you're making it for your husband. We weren't married yet. Also, he waited six years to propose, so. There you go. He will get a photo book, and he will make it. Well, I mean, was he going to propose the first day he met you? Yeah, we knew each other for four years.

He could have. Dude, I mean, you were dating for six years. We were dating for six and a half years. And you knew each other. You've known each other 10 years? Yes. Damn. I know.

What I'm saying, we should have happened. There you go. We would have had a pre-pandemic wedding. There you go. Oh, yeah, there you go. You wouldn't have to discount prices. You would have gotten for sure no gift for me, because I didn't have any money pre-pandemic.

I waited for your guys' Patreon to get more successful, and then I was like, now we shall wed. That's another thing, too. You've got a lot of friends on the come up these days. I know, it's kind of cool. You're going to pull in a couple of fozzoles for this thing. I hope. Especially with some of that guest list.

You're going to be some serious coin cat. Who's the most famous person going? Schultzie? Got to be, I would assume. Yeah, I guess. Yasser. There also might be some surprise guests. They're going to show.

Drop-ins. I think Louie's in town. Probably more like Open Micers running the catering. Maybe I can do five minutes. Yeah, working on the staff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. All right, let's see here.

Let's do two more. Have you ever, and this is just nuts, have you ever rented the same exact car you own just to swap out parts? Dude, that is so fucking tragic. Like tires. That's a good idea, though. That's pretty ingenious.

I feel like somebody asked us that sometime, too. That is fucking garbage, man. I don't know, man. What do you rent a car? You rent a car for a day? That's probably about $30, $40. You got a whole new set of tires and a radio? Yeah, how do you return it?

You pay for the extra insurance. They cover it. Wait, really? Oh, yeah. I read a whole thread on this. A guy swapped out a whole engine out of a rented car and put his bunk engine in the old old one. And he probably got it for like $15 for the day or whatever.

You got to have like energy to do that. You know what I mean? You got to really plan this out and be like, my day is going to spend doing car shit. And I just, I have no desire. I'd rather the car break down and I don't even have one for a month and be like, I'm not smart enough to be that fruit owner.

But you've got to have a skill set and be broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to be real fucking handy. Yeah, I guess we knew how to work on cars and be like, yeah, let's get a couple of tires. Yeah, I have no idea. Yeah, just get a job as a mechanic. You wouldn't have to swap it out. You could afford to get a new car.

Sure, the guy is a fucking mechanic. There's no way, no weekend warriors for changing on an engine on a Toyota Corolla. You need a fucking setup to do that. You invite a couple friends over. I got some Bud Lights if you can take this engine out. It's like they're helping you move. Kia Rio.

We've got to start this thing an hour. We have a Kia Niro. Oh, yeah. Niro? Yeah, it's a very gentle SUV. It's cool. He's got a Kia too. Yeah, me and Robbie talked.

We got it from the same dealership. Really? No, we didn't get it. Friends and family discount? He takes his referral. He takes his. You owe 500 for the referral thing. He gets his service to where I got mine.

Oh, nice. Yeah, no big deal. Shout out to Queens Kia or whatever the fuck it's called. Fucking Kia wouldn't want to be of them things. Guess who's never going to drive in it. Coming from the guy who doesn't have a license. Do you know what I wish we still had though? Because I would buy one of these today.

God bless you, sir. I wish we still had that on my arm. I need a tissue. I apologize. You are an animal. Because I sneezed. Am I not human? Oh, my god.

I'm not sure, are you? My nephew was doing a new trick where he was sticking his finger all the way up his nose and then it was making him sneeze. No, I do that all the time. It's great. He did it about 12 times. Dude, it's like orgasm. I didn't.

Yeah, I mean, but I feel like at 15 months you should. Yeah, you shouldn't be fucking. This feels great. Flying too close to the sun at 14 months. No, I wish we still had those cars with the seats that faced outward. Remember the like the trunk seat. The station wagon, yeah.

Those were deadly. Probably. I mean, not safe. But how fun. Oh, that was the best. The fingers, all the truckers behind it. Yeah, or like just wave at somebody and then that person just behind you is just like, I have to change lane.

And that big door opened out. That thing was huge. Nice. Yeah. That thing will take a fucking finger off. I'll tell you that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, cars were definitely a bit rough before.

Did I remember being in a station wagon? That's like the station wagon with the wood, the woody, the fucking wood panel station wagon. My buddy's Matt's family had one. And in the summer, in like August, dude, it had to be no AC in that fucking thing. It had to be 400 degrees. The seat belts are burning your legs and shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a fucking. They didn't know about that shit back then. I remember like legit being in like a car with the window rolled up for like a couple hours on multiple occasions. Yeah, well, that's where the stickers were. You know, that's what I mean. Did you ever put like stickers on your car window?

No. OK. Really? Yeah. Like kid stickers on the inside? Yeah, you know, when you're little, or you just like put stickers all over the car. We weren't allowed to do that shit.

No stickers, no bumper stickers, none of that stuff at the foliage. You know what I always want to do? No Garfield. I wanted one of those cars where you had to put a code in to get in. Oh, my last name. My Montego had that. Yeah, zero, zero, two, six, zero.

Yeah. I always thought that felt like luxury. Oh, you'd lock your keys in there on. I don't need my keys in the car. Yeah. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Maybe like a night rider. Yeah.

I thought the same thing about the on the garage door having the flip in the thing up and punching in the code. You don't have that? No, we got we had a clicker that opened it up. Oh, yeah. You kept in the car. Yeah. Didn't work at the time.

I loved all things like that. I remember when I was growing up, my dad sold golf clubs, like, like knockoff golf clubs or something. He sounds like a real Gary Vee who got going on over here. Yeah, he sold one golf golf club. Yeah. But he traded one time. He used to trade it for things like we had a black box.

We had all pay-per-view movies for free, like, because he traded golf clubs for for one of those. Oh, but because of the golf, we had a 800 number. It was like 1-800 something go clubs. Yeah. Something like that. So I could always call for free on a pay phone. And I was just, but I'd be out with my friends.

I'd be like, watch this, no quarters. And I would just like do it. And people were like, we don't care. Yeah, it's a quarter. I'd call home so much just because I had a free number. I love little codes like that. I love shit like that. Yeah, no, that's pretty trashy.

Because they weren't even the real version of the clubs. They were knockoff clubs. He called it guerrilla golf. I don't know. Sounds like it was an illegal operation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, she was trading it for free pay-per-view. Yeah, for illegal black box.

Trading for free cable. Yeah. Trading, not even putting grease in the guy's one thing. Yeah. But we had all the pay-per-view channels and they had to fight anatomy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Remember it well. Those were fun. Rode my childhood. Trying to get my G.I. Joe on. That's when you know you got a fucking stinger in your pants. I couldn't look away. Childhood over. This one's from sideshowbub.

When was the last time you aided a golden corral? Ooh. I've never been. I don't think I actually, yeah, I don't think I have either. Never been no golden corral. I've been to plenty of off-brand buffets. You know what I mean? Yeah, yellow shed.

Over there at the Purple Barn. Canary Creek. I put it up. Yeah. But I told you there's an infamous story about the Foley's. We went on vacation to see my aunt and uncle. They lived in Lake Tahoe, California, up near around there. And we had one day of the trip.

We were there for two weeks. One day of the trip, like 15 of us loaded up into like three different cars and we followed each other down to Reno, Nevada, specifically to go to this one buffet at the Golden Nugget. That makes sense. That's all we did. It was like four hours.

We drove for dinner and then drove back. That's about all there is to do in Reno is a buffet. Yeah, and I drove down in the back of a pickup truck that had a cabin over top. No seats, just like a regular pickup. Yeah. She weren't crossing the state line, you know, fucking. The border or something?

That's fucking. Yeah, that might be the most trashy thing in the fucking that I think we've ever heard. Favorite vacation of all time. And the fucking, let me tell you something, the buffet was nothing to shake a stick at. They give you a piece of fish. Unbelievable.

Wait, fish is your buffet choice? It's one of them. I get everything. No, that's a good point. That's gross. Everything. That's gross? Yes.

That's gross. Fish at the buffet. There's so much. Nice piece of salmon. Look at the prime rib carving station. They've got pieces and posses. I'm going to the prime rib carving station. There's multiple layers to this.

That's something you have at the end. You have a nice piece of prime rib. But you start with fish? Plus you get two and take one with you. Start with a fish, sure. Salad. We do it all. Start with a salad, ranch dressing, black olives,

cheddar cheese. I was about to say shredded cheddar cheese. Oh, yeah. Cheddar cheese and black olives are like salad, buffet, salad, date. That's some Krautens. Good night. Good night.

Is that, you've said that before. Krautens? Is that just how? Because that's the way, who was the youngest girl on the Cosby show? Anybody remember? He shouldn't have pulled him. No, but her character's name.

Remember her friend, Rudy? Rudy, Rudy was the daughter. But do you remember Rudy's friend, the loudmouth kid that lived next door? The guy? Yeah, he was great. Yeah. I can't remember what his name was.

He used to call them Krautens, instead of Krutons. So I always just called them Krautens. Yeah, we'll stop that. You asked. I don't know what to tell you. Next time, say you heard about that. You were ready to open up that box, were you? Next time, say you heard about that on good times.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. We got to wrap it up. Listen, Casey, we love you. Love you guys. What are you coming up if you want to focus on all about? Well, I got my Shady Shit podcast. It's coming out every Friday.

And I have a special that I'm filming, I think, sometime in September called Inconceivable, all about trying to have a baby and all that good stuff. But that'll be coming out soon. And yeah, I think I'm at Mohican Sun sometime in August. I don't know. Very nice to meet you. And nothing really crazy about it.

You're one of our favorites. You're one of the squad favorites. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for sharing everything about the wedding. We're very excited. I'm so excited. What a fun episode. Kippy, what do you got for him?

Guys, as always, great for you to subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, patreon.com. And then the fucking live shows, the link will be in the description of the episode. They're a fucking good time. Don't miss out on the fucking live shows. I'm telling you, they're fucking heaters. That's it, gang.

We'll see you next week. T-bone. Love you, buddy. Please.