Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Chris Alan: Writing Bad Checks

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with Chris Alan for a fun one! They talk growing up in upstate NYC, floating checks, and amusement parks! Thanks for listening, love youse guys!  Merch: https://areyougarbage.bigcartel.com Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Stamps.com Promo Code: Garbage https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE https://www.Manscaped.com Promo Code Garbage Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Holy boncos kids, look out. The keep it moving tour is adding new dates. We're coming to a city near you. Come and see us, some stand up. And we play AYG at the end of the show with the crowd. We answer your garbage questions. We've got some trash so far, but I know. I know there's deeper garbage out there around the country.

So come on out and see us. Kippy, tell them what they need to know. Oh baby, we're all over the place. Tejas, baby, September 21st will be in San Antonio, Texas. September 22nd will be in Houston, Texas. September 23rd to the 25th, Austin, Texas for the Moontower Comedy Festival. And I ain't done yet.

August 26th will be at Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas. Then we're bringing it back to Long Island, baby. In September 30th, and then we're coming home. The boys are, the chickens are coming home to roost, baby. October 27th will be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and then back down to Tejas. November 5th through the 7th for Skankfest South. Get those tickets.

The link will be in the description. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage.

It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it up there you have to be classy. Or after just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Aunt Toody's basement. She's been all over me. Why? Because she knows we're going down a wildwood for the weekend.

So yeah. She's going to set us up with a couple of ladies down here. She knows a couple of broads. I told her, I was like, listen, I'm in a relationship. He's mentioned, oh, no, you're going to love these girls. Yeah, what happened then? 50-55, deuce, deuce and a quarter. So we'll see what happens.

What are we playing a pickup football game? What the fuck? My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international business man. He is not to be trifled with. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my good pal, Mr. Kevin James Ryan.

Hey, gang, happy to be here. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof. True to fucking roof, baby. And then I would be an asshole if I didn't bring up www.patreon.com. You mean the greatest website of all time?

If I hear someone out there talking shit on patreon.com, I'll fucking come see you for sure. Guys, Patreon, you can sign up to get bonus episodes at AYG. We have episodes of Hard Feelings, which is a completely different podcast. And then we do live streams every month with our top tier members. It's a good fucking time.

We put clips of the live shows up there, extended versions. It's a whole fucking thing. Check it out. Yes, sir. It happened a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire. He's the magic man. He makes us all look good. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullen. What up, dudes?

Yo, T-Bone. Chillin. We got a great guest. We fired up. Beautiful day. Survived a hurricane. It wasn't shit. Some fucking bullshitting gang. We could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us for the first time today.

He is a very funny stand-up comedian and podcaster. He has an amazing podcast called Negro Please Radio. What was that? That's the title he said I could say it. It also has a fantastic album out right now called Offscript. But the big question, but he's mine today, is he garbage? We are about to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one and the only, Mr. Chris Allen. Yeah. Hey, what's up, guys? Thanks for coming, buddy. Thanks for having me. Yeah, man, for sure. It took a while, but we got there.

We got there. We were supposed to happen a couple of times. We were trying to schedule it, and then I was out of town a couple of times, you know, traveling, international business, kind of stuff. Understands. Checking on things overseas. Yeah, securing some more funding.

They got to deal with the Taliban. Toby ain't cheap, all right? But yeah, we got it to work, and then it almost didn't happen today. Yeah. This guy's coming up on trains. Came up on the train, right? On the soundtrack.

Yeah, man. It's pretty classy. Give us the full story, because you're from Charlottesville. I live in Charlottesville. I'm from Rochester, New York. Okay. Born and raised there.

Went to private schools and shit. Private schools? Yeah, man, yep. Like expensive private schools are just like, like the public school's so bad, there's a relatively cheap option. No, they were bad, but I was so much of a pussy.

My dad was like, we got to get this kid out of here. This kid's going to get his ass kicked. He's going to get killed. He's going to be embarrassing me all over the town. I was, yeah. I was, that was a big nerd, man. Really?

Yeah. Because you're like a big- You're a big dude. I was big. Do you play football or anything? No. I used to be a very, very skinny man, very nerdy, dorky kid.

The last public school I went to was Charlottesville Middle School, right? Charlottesville Middle School. What was the mascot of Charlottesville Middle School? I wasn't there long enough to find out. The nerds. The bakers. Dude, I got tripped out on an entire flight of stairs,

almost broke my ankle. Dude, I had to low crawl to the nurse's office. I had dust bunnies all over my shirt. Dust bunnies, dude. People were laughing at me. And honestly, I think the low crawling is probably why I joined the military. Dude, I haven't heard the word dust bunny in 30 years.

Who tripped you? Some kid. I was running to my Latin class. That's how dorky I was. I want to tripped you, too. I got to get to Latin class. I got to get to Latin class. It was probably the principal.

Hey, dork, vino veritas, huh? Vinny Vinny Vici, bitch. Holy shit. Running to your Latin class. Latin class got tripped down the flight of stairs. And my dad was like, we're calling it. Is Rochester bad? Or is it like a tough, is it, I've never been.

It can, it's, you know what? I liken Rochester to a smaller Baltimore. It's got some, it's got its nice parts, but Rochester definitely has its problem areas. Yeah, those CD areas, yeah. So I grew up in an inner city around a lot of Black people, but then I was, I was fortunate because I grew up with a very diverse Black ground.

Like I said, I grew up in the hood. All Black people went to private schools, nothing but mainly White people. So I've learned how to deal with all types of people at a very, very young age. What kind of house did you grow up in, in Rochester? Single family home. Single family home.

Yeah, we used to get made fun of. People used to say that we, we thought we were White because we cut our grass. Well, hey, a stereotype to stereotype, I guess. Look at him. I heard somebody say that about my dad. Look at him. He think he White.

He's cutting the grass. Say, bitch, we own this house. That's why we cut the grass. We're homeowners. That's a tough look. Getting sheep or cutting the lawn. Yeah. This guy's got a weed whacker and everything.

Pussy. Sounds like a bad neighborhood. Did, what'd your parents do for work? Yeah, what'd your dad do? My dad. Because private school, he had to do something to get you cash. My dad saved a shit ton of money.

He was a cheep. My dad was one of 18. What? What? Yes. Holy shit. One of 18. So he learned to be very thrifty at a very young age.

Yeah, he got to be. He started working when he was like seven years old, shit like that. Why? Yeah, man. So he went to a trade high school. He got into the printing business. And they used to do advertising.

How the fuck do you call it? They used to like... Circulars. They used to edit all the photos for Kodak. This is back when Bill Cosby was their spokesperson. Geez. For Kodak? For Kodak.

I remember Joe putting pops. Yeah, you don't remember when... He can't eat film, so he blocked it out. Bill Cosby was like their guy. Really? I don't remember that. It's so funny, man, because when my dad used to do back then, anybody can do on their phone now.

He used to take me to his job because Bill Cosby has a lazy eye, right? He would go, watch this. I can change out his one bad eye and put in the new eye. So he would just cut and paste the good eye over the bad eye. And I thought that was so cool, but you can do that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every nine-year-old does that.

Right, taking the red out of the eye, shit like that. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for a lot of times. OK. But she would take some... You had to be doing OK. Yeah. I mean, if you got stay-at-home... Oh!

How many brothers and sisters did you have? Two sisters and two adopted sisters. Really? They adopted? Yeah, man. Damn. My parents are dope. That's fucking sweet.

They were dope. My parents are dope. Yeah, so it's me and my two younger sisters, and then they adopted two other girls. Where did the two girls come from? Just other families from the city of Rochester. Really? Did you guys know their families?

Yes. So then their parents were in a bad situation, and they adopted them? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, man. Fuck, this guy's a hero.

That's great. My parents are great. I think as we got older and moved out, my mom got the emptiness thing. She started doing daycare at the house and all that type of shit. Yeah. Are they still...

They get bored as they get older. Yeah. Yeah. Are they still in the same house that you grew up in? Dude, same house, same phone number. All of that, man. Old school. That was...

Still cutting the lawn? Still cutting the lawn. They even cut... Like, my dad is the type of guy... Push mower or ridey mower? Push. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, my dad.

It wasn't electric, was it? No. Actually, it was. Oh, Christ. That's why they were making funny. Yeah, you're plugging it in to cut the lawn. You're gonna run out of cord, Mr. Allen. You got an indoor cord?

Oh, man. Dude, I'm still terrified now when my dad comes to my house. Like, I have to go out, edge the lawn, make sure everything is... He runs a tight ship. Oh, my dad, my mom was the same way. If they come to the house...

My mom is the type... She won't say shit while she's there. Yeah, when she leaves, she goes, hey, I noticed the dishwasher was a little dirty. Yeah, I don't wipe the outside of the dishwasher. No. Like, really? Like, stuff like that.

My mom was... They can't let that shit go as they get older, too. I noticed... I noticed there was a couple of dirty cups around here. Yeah, man. That's how my mom is. You keep the lawn tight now, though? What is dad's coming here?

Well, my dad comes... But I have somebody cut it for me, man. My man, that's what you gotta do. I like it. Yeah, what the fuck? As a black man in the South, having a white man come cut my grass, it's great. You got a white guy?

A white guy. You stand out there on the porch and watch him the whole time? Drink it. I drink a tea and everything. Yeah, don't be stealing nothing, pussy. Hey, boy! You missed a spot. He's got a mint julep.

Yeah. You're dressed like a plantation. That's right, Chad. That's right, boy. Don't miss the edges. My dad's coming. Bobby's coming. Get those edges.

I got a Searsucker suit for bullying purposes. Yeah, man. I don't fuck around, man. Oh, damn, that's great. So, yeah, I'm doing pretty well. I got a white landscaper. Nice. I don't know anybody else. You made it, baby.

White landscape. Dude, I had a weird landscape situation happen. This might be boring, but... I should have got... This is what the show is about. My y'all got so overgrown to the point where I was afraid to do it myself, because I live out in the middle of nowhere.

There's snakes, there's bears, and shit. I was like, I'm not doing... Fuck that. Fuck that. So, I called this random guy. He left a card in my house. So, I'll call him one day. He's got...

I'll be there at, like, two o'clock. He doesn't come to, like, 7.30 on a Friday. I'm like, why the fuck would you come to my house at 7.30? We're watching a movie. Yeah. I don't... You know, I don't want to deal with this. So, I go out there.

He goes, oh, yeah, we'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I thought he was going to give me, like, a week or so to decide. Mm-hmm. Dude, he showed up to next day with his family. His family. His family.

It's a Hispanic guy out there. It's him, his wife, and three kids. And one of them was, like, my son's age. And we were doing... They're cutting the grass. Cutting grass. Kids inside playing video games and shit. Pulling weeds.

And I'm like, this is... I felt horrible, man. I couldn't even go outside. I was like, I can't... We're sitting there. I'm watching my son play video games. And there's a kid his age outside sweating. If it would have been a white family,

you would have thought a lot of this, man. You would have the whole family would have been out looking at them. I would have went Instagram live on that, man. Yo, what up? I got my white family out here. Yeah, yeah. Damn.

That's what's up. Little white kid pulling weeds in the yard. Take that, motherfucker. How's it feel? Let me ask you this on the landscaping tip. What day does he come? The guy now. What day does he come?

Dude, they came... They come every... Whatever they want to. Like, you okay? Keybone, yeah. Yeah. Way to play cool stuff. They came two days ago, actually.

Yeah, okay. They cut it in the... They cut my grass in the rain, which I fucking hate. Yes. It gets muddy. It leaves the tire marks and shit. Because they say it's...

What is it? Like, the good days are if they come and cut it on a Friday or a Thursday to get it for the weekend. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because I... My mom, we get ours cut off.

So you show it off on a weekend, on a weekend to look for the feed pork. My parents get theirs cut on a Monday, and I know they get a discounted rate for that. Oh, well, I need to look into that. Yeah, he's giving it. You can get it every second Monday. I want the whole White family there Friday at noon.

That's extra if you want the White family. Ah, that's good stuff, man. I love it. And so what do your sisters do? My one sister, she's just had a baby today, man. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations. My uncle, again, for the third time.

So, yeah. But she works for... She does a lot of non-profit stuff. My other sister, she does more like... more of this office kind of stuff. But again, they really like to help the community because for a while, they worked together at like a...

They worked at a youth home together. You guys are like fucking superheroes. What the fuck? We're just good people, man. Damn. But how did you... They're all up in Rochester. They're still in Rochester, yeah.

How did you wind up in Charlottesville? So, I graduated high school June 1998, and I was like, you know what? I don't want to stay here. I don't want to go to college, so I joined the military. I joined the Air Force. Right.

And I was like, I'm going to do four years. I'll have money for school. I'll get out. I'll be 22. I'll be done. And I ended up doing 20, man. Just 20 years. 20 years.

I ended up doing 20. Yeah, I spent the first five years doing maintenance on radar stuff, which was fun. A lot of guys I was in tech school with, they went to my first base. So, it was just me and my buddies working the night shift,

playing basketball, playing Halo every fucking weekend. And where was that in Rochester? That was at Luke Air Force Base in Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, Phoenix, Arizona, okay. So, yeah, I was there for about five years. I met my wife. We got married.

And then I went to Korea in 2005 for a year. Really? So, I got married. South or north? South Korea. Keep an eye on this guy. Yeah. People always ask that.

Live a little, buddy. Go north. See what's going on. But I got married and two weeks later, I was in Korea for a year, man. Did she go with you? No, she stayed in Phoenix. Damn.

Is she from Phoenix? From Phoenix. Is she in the military as well? I never dated any woman in the military, man. She was a townie. Townie. Really? Yeah, a civilian.

A civvy. A civvy. Where'd you meet her? At, uh, you guys like basketball at all? Yeah. You guys remember Dan Marley? Thunder Dan Marley? He used to play for the Phoenix Suns back in the 90s.

No. Thunder Dan Marley. Yeah, Dan Marley. He was like that three-point specialist. But he had a lounge. And it was brown sugar. Hanging out at Dan Marley's lounge. Yeah.

Yeah, Dan Marley. And Car Wash. Yeah. But he had a lounge called Dan Marley's Nine Lounge. And Thursday nights was Black Night. It was brown sugar Thursdays. Man, they used to do that shit in the 90s and 2000s. I know.

Brown sugar Sundays. Yeah. Yeah. The Columbus Funny Bone was like that on Thursdays. They would have, like, the regular show. And then it was Urban Night. So you would see, like, the first show come out. And then you would leave the show.

And there was nothing but black people waiting to see the late show on Sunday. Yeah. It's crazy, man. So she was just in there hanging out. Just in there. We were just in there hanging out. It was, dude, it was one of those stories where, like,

I didn't want to go. My buddies had to make me go. I ended up meeting her. And the rest is kind of history. Yeah. Yeah. I was seeing somebody at the time. But it was almost over.

We exchanged numbers. I felt bad. I was like, we can't talk until it's over. I broke up with my old girlfriend. And this is back when I had a house phone. So I deleted my, at the time, my wife's. Cordless or wire. I had a cordless phone.

I hate bragging. I had a cordless phone. He looked at me like, ah. I had the Sony 900 megahertz joint. Did he mention the white landscaper? What are you asking him for? Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, I broke up with my girlfriend. Me and her, we kind of just, you know, my wife and I, we never really, truly ever were, like, dating. It just kind of evolved from being a friendship into a marriage. It was very weird. Geez. Yeah.

Not weird, but it was just kind of natural. Yeah, it's unique. I mean, to be like, ah, we're friends. We're married. I'm going to Korea. I'll see you later. Yeah, it was five years of us just kind of like slowly becoming exclusive.

Nice. Were you going to say that you deleted your old girl's number off the speed dial? So what happened was like, I was like, we can't talk. So I deleted my now wife's phone number out of my cell phone. I was like, I can't do this. And I broke up with my girlfriend. I was like, damn, I don't have that girl's number.

And I was like, holy shit, I called her on my house phone. So I went through the call log on my house phone and boom, her number was in there. And we kind of started talking again. And we've been together ever since, man. Man, if you would have, for some reason, deleted that or the phone would have broke or died, your whole life would have been different.

Different, yeah, whole different life, man. How crazy is that? I was supposed to go to a different base, too. Like in tech school, I was supposed to go to, I went to tech school in Mississippi. I was supposed to go to my first base in Georgia. It was Moody Air Force Base. And halfway through my tech school, they go, oh,

you're getting diverted. You're going to Phoenix, Arizona. So I ended up going there. And yeah, it's just very, in the military, man, it's very weird how you can kind of really, you can really see how your life can change based on the assignments that you get, man. So yeah, if I wouldn't went to Georgia,

I would have met somebody else, had a different trajectory in my life, man. So I'm very thankful that I went to Luke Air Force Base, met my wife, and I'm here now. So, yeah, man. And how was South Korea? I had a lot of fun, man. A lot of drinking over that year.

I had like three or four of my really good buddies come over. We drank every fucking weekend, man. Really? We just drank and drank and drank. What is it, soju? What do they drink? Soju. Soju, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, any time. I should have fucked you up. Fuck you up. Oh, you guys had it before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Korean barbecue. Yeah, I got a couple of Korean friends. Well, what do you mix yours with?

Oh, I don't know. Whatever they hand me. I don't know. Have you ever had it? You can mix it with you. Is it like a rice liquor? I think it's like a rice liquor. I think it's a rice liquor.

It really has no taste. And you can mix it with anything. We used to mix it with Gatorade. Really? Yeah. Do mixing anything with Gatorade is trash. That's a first check right there. Mixing any liquor with Gatorade or Coke is trash.

We were just talking about how the Gatorade's too thin. It doesn't do shit. It doesn't. Yeah. But yeah, man. So I had a fun year over there. Came back. Went to Colorado for about a year.

Then I got. How are you? What's going on with the girl at this point? With who? With your, with you to Colorado? Yes. I get back to Korea. I pick her up.

I go. So you got married and then you went? With the Korea for a year. And what was she like about that? What the fuck? You're leaving for a year? But she was at home with her friends and family. So it wasn't that big of a deal.

OK. She was at Tommy's nine lounge. Yeah. Trying to find somebody else. Yeah. So I come back. I pick her up. We go to Colorado.

We stayed there for about a year. And not to bore you, but the military, they like to retrain people. And I had made sergeants. So when I got back from Korea, they were like, hey, you're on this list. You might want to retrain. And if you don't pick something, you might not get picked.

But if we need you to, then the Air Force will pick something for you. And I was like, fuck that. I don't want that to happen. So I picked the Intel job. A few months later, I was down in a good fellow Air Force base in San Angelo, Texas, which is a fucking shithole. San Angelo?

San Angelo. Dude. Fucking heard of that. Sounds hot. The airport is literally just one small hanger. That's it. One small hanger. Jeez.

The person that took my ticket at the door. Sure. I had this. Yeah. So you get to the fucking service. He's also the pilot to TSA. Everything. It was so scary, dude.

I get there. He checks me in. He checks me in at the gate. I look outside. He's literally putting the fucking luggage on the plane. We walk out there. He's putting. He's living.

I was like, do you do everything here? Sure. Dude, I was in like Rochester, Minnesota, somewhere, tiny little same thing. It was like a garage with like two doors. Like that was like terminal one and terminal two. And we were, we always in line waiting at the TSA line because the TSA person wasn't there yet.

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Your balls will thank you. One more time. Use promo code garbage at manscaped.com. Now back to the show. Yeah, that's all those towns are, man. It's wild. It was a city town. I was there for about nine months.

Come back. I pick her up. We go to Vegas. I'm stationed in Vegas. I'm working with these drones. Can't really get into much of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave that shit out.

That's all, yeah. That's when the classified part of my career started. So I'm doing all this Intel stuff. Really cool stuff. That's the first time I felt like, man, I'm actually making a difference here on the war on terrorism. I'm actually like, we're doing a cool mission.

It's a lot of fun. And that's also where I started comedy. Nice. So, yeah. She's on stage later. Yeah, he's ever been at a drone strike? Yeah. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I was at a wedding last week. It was weird because we would do crazy shit and then I would literally leave work and then go to a mic. Yeah. Well, that's probably like part of the coping mechanism of like, hey, I'm doing kind of this heavy shit that I didn't anticipate.

You know, I need to tell some dick jokes or something. You know? Yeah. So I started doing comedy there. A lot of fun. A lot of cool guys out there. My buddy, Brant Tobler, man, he used to have Doug Benson used to do these backyard shows for him.

He would get Doug Standhub to do these backyard shows. Damn. I know the name. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah. Yeah, I think Brant did a, what's it called? This isn't happening. Yeah, or this is not happening.

This is not happening. Yeah. With our favorite host, Roy Wood Jr. I love Roy. That's one of my favorite dudes. Shot at Ari. That was just a shot at Ari, yeah. We love you, Ari.

All right. Let's get into some fucking Ari garbage here. I love it. Let's do it. How do you want to do it? You can take the lead on this. You want to go now? Do you want to go try a little bit?

I want to talk about Rochester a little bit. I know you can't say the name of the street that your parents are on because they're still in the house. We like to find out. What was it? A street? Was it a boulevard? Was it a road?

It was a street. Street. Was it a number? No. OK. Something street. Street or all right. What was the name of the grocery store that your mom went to?

Oh, you don't even want to know. Yes, we do. You don't even want to know. This is the best grocery store in the world. OK. Wegmans. What? God damn it.

Private school, Wegmans. Private school, Wegmans. Military. White landscaper. It's a nice old place. I went to school with Jay Wegman, who is now like the vice president. Holy shit.

He was in the private school? Oh, yeah. I went to school with Jay, man. Kind of deal on cold cuts, can you? Yeah. I'm all right. I'm with you, man. I love some Boar's Head meat.

Is that what you buy now, Boar's Head? Yeah, if I had a good weekend, if I sell a couple shirts, I'll splurge. Otherwise, it's Deets and Watson or nothing. Fucking Deets and Watson. Damn. This is my podcast. When we can talk specific cold cut brands.

Oh, yeah. Buddy, shout out to the Blazing Buffalo fucking Boar's Head. I don't fucking knock your socks off. I got a day he works at the plant in Memphis. Wegmans is pretty good. That's. So you grew up going to Wegmans. But Wegmans wasn't always what it is today, man.

Sure. It's probably a little true. But I mean, it's the premiere. Yes. It's the gold standard of market size. I think it is. What do you shop at now, though, in Charlottesville? Oh, Food Lion?

That's going in a file, Mr. Alex. God damn. That shit's not classified. I don't like Food Lion. They've had a 60 minutes expose on them. That's not a good look. I'm not a fan. There should have been an animal in your supermarket now.

I remember they got caught re-changing the expiration dates on meat. I probably ate a lot of that meat. Probably did. I don't know why everybody iced me on that. It was a little too real. I'm trying to warn the consumer here. Have you ever been to the Wegmans in Brooklyn?

No. Yes, I've been to the Wegmans in Brooklyn. But I said to go in there and grab something. Application. I've never shopped there. Best cookies, best chocolate chip cookie in the world. Yeah, they are. Whole Foods is a pretty good chocolate chip cookie as well.

Don't even do it. Really? Don't even fucking try it. The Wegmans chocolate chip cookie. He's going to tell Jay. Yeah, don't do that. He's going to be fucking pissed. I'll try to do social shit.

Whole Foods sit down. Don't fucking do that. Dude, when they opened up a Wegmans in our area, it was honestly like 20 minutes away. And we had nothing to do. Whatever we would like. I remember going, like, let's see what this Wegmans all about, just to walk around.

You could drive a car down those aisles, dude. It's like Disneyland. It blew your mind, didn't it? Oh, dude. Well, I had to go back to a fucking super fresh or something. Get a day pass. I was fucking pissed, dude. Yo, come to Wegmans.

I got two guest passes. Yeah, man, I love Wegmans, man. That's not bad. OK, hold on. So you guys think the soju and Gatorade is that strange? And it makes it anything with Gatorade, dude. Come on. Come on, crazy.

For sure. Also, like, soju's is like ancient fucking, you know, this like historical, you know, traditional drink. You know, mixing it with lemon lime. It has rules about who can pour it. Does it? Yeah, it has to be the youngest person or whoever has the least rank in the hierarchy of the crew.

Yeah, that's like a fucking the identity of a country. And you're mixing with Gatorade. And you're probably like four dudes drinking out of a bottle. Yeah, you can put that riptide rush to fuck. I know this is like, it's all respectful for them. Here you go. That's fucking hilarious. You guys are fucking shotgun-ing it.

Speaking of Gatorade, what is your gatorade? What's your flavor? The white one. What's that one called? That's the second fucking prison. Is it the cherry one? It's a white chariot. Who just did it?

Column Terrell was here. It's so good. That's, it's insane to me. I shit on him. I had one yesterday. It's fucking unbelievable. I was in the convenience store, and they had it. They never had it.

It's fucking awesome. I'm a fucking glacier cherry. I'm a Gatorade purist, OK? What? He's going to fucking hit me. I'll be mowing his lawn next week. He's going to be having me out there with a fucking, with an edger. He's sipping a glacier cherry.

You got some water, Mr. We already got, we already got the white cherry. I like cherry, Kevin. And I know you don't like it, so I just got to suck it up. That's why I bought it. Damn, no, man. That's too much. That's like Code Red.

That's Baja Blast. Like, I'm going to go up the fucking middle with it. Lemon line. How is it too much? Hold on a second. I'm sorry. Baja, is there a problem? Baja Blast?

Yeah, it's trash. It's trash. It's a stunt. T-bone, how much does Baja Blast made Taco Bell since 2000? Oh, he doesn't remember that. $1.5 billion. Billion with the B.

Yeah, because dirt bags are eating at Taco Bell. It's good stuff. Listen, glacier cherry is a little bit different. It's just strange to see a white Gatorade. It is. And that just makes it trash. It looks like horse cum. How do you know that?

Cut that, please. It tastes like it too. Now I know why I couldn't get you the phone last night. I'm not phone for that shit again. Oh, baby, we got a hot one here. Kevin, you don't like the white cherry, man. I won't even bring myself to try it. Can I say this?

I'm the same way about cheesecake. I will not fucking eat it. I think it's the worst, most overrated dessert of all time. What? I don't like how it looks. This is going to end. Wait a minute. Devastated.

This guy's a lunatic. What? I don't fuck with cheesecake. I don't fuck with it either. I don't. I've never had it. I will not eat it. It looks like dog shit.

I won't eat it. That's insane. I think we just found the clip. Cheesecake is overrated. Yeah, I don't fuck with it either. Dude, there is someone in Tennessee listening to this who just pulled up your picture and is now cleaning a gun.

It is coming for you. That's fine. I got some too. Come on down to the table. I don't tell you. He's got nickel on him. Oh, that's good. You keep nickel in the house?

You got a piece in the house? Oh, dude, I got an AR-15. I got a couple handguns. I got a Mosin Nagant. Oh, dude, I was a huge gamer as a young man. I used to love that Russian bolt action Mosin Nagant to the point where I was like, I got to have one. I don't even know what that is.

I don't even know what that is. A Mosin Nagant. Look up an M-44 rifle. That's what it looks like. Dude, it has a foldable stock. No, bayonet on the side of it. I love white cherry Gatorade. It's my favorite Gatorade of all time.

I'm a weird dude, man. I'm a gun guy. I'm into all kind of wild shit, man. Well, down there, I mean, I think most people are. Also, you're serving in the military. I have to have it down there while I live it. I need to have a gun. Sure.

Yeah, you're in a dicey spot. When the pandemic popped up, I bought 1,000 rounds for my AR-15. Nice. Onto my bed right now. This guy's bonkers. I bought extra paper towels. I went pretty heavy into hummus, but hey, you do you, Chris.

I don't know about you guys, but I think this guy's pretty classy. He's a classy guy, and I think we got enough here. Yeah, not gun guys? Not you guys from PA? I would be. My family is a bill. There was always, I never just shot.

I've only shot one a couple, maybe once or twice. Yeah, once, but no, I wasn't into them. No, we just shot him in the woods. I was trying to shoot fish in a pond. Were you? Yeah. But then I found bullets don't go through water. They slow down super fat when you hit them.

Have you not seen the beginning of Private Ryan? No, I swear to God. Yeah, I watch it on Mythbusters. Bullets don't really penetrate water that. They lose 90% of their force. So wait a minute. Outside of six feet, I believe. Are you telling me something crazy?

D-Day was bullshit? Oh, hey, hey, I'm a patriot. Just like the rest of you. It's fucking Kami over here. Jesus! Yeah. All right, what do you got, Kip? Oh, man, I ain't fucking flustered, to be honest with you.

Oh, I got one. What? May I? Sure. So single family home, garage? Yes. Perfrigerator in the garage? No.

In the basement. All right, hey. What was in it, though? Nothing but a bunch of fucking ice. Bags of ice? Bags of ice, and it was just over. It was like over. Yeah, you could probably put maybe a few burgers in there

because there was just so much ice in there. Yeah. OK. That's trash. So it wasn't a fridge for sodas and juices and stuff like that? No. We did have a very old, the original bathtub in our basement. The old kind that had the feet on it.

Yeah. We had that in there with a bunch of shit in there for years. My dad finally got rid of it. What was in it? Just old toys and old fucking like an old bumper and like. A bumper? Bumper. From his, from his, what was it?

85 Caprice Classic. Damn, that's what he drove around in. Yeah. Didn't have the light on the side, did it? And a bumper apparently. No. The bumper, that's my fault. Dude, the moment my dad let me drive his car.

It always happens. I fucking hit the side of the house and ripped the bumper off. And he didn't get it fixed? He got it fixed when he kept the bumper because he was like, I'll get it fixed later and never got it fixed. We ended up just throwing it away. I don't know why he kept it, man. My dad was kind of like that.

Was the basement finished? Not finished. Still not finished. That's, I would be more upset if there was a bumper and a finished basement. True. You know what I mean? That'd be like, if it was like next to the big screen,

it'd be a little weird. In an old bathtub. Yeah. What was the snack situation at your house when you were a kid? Ooh. What did we do? Yeah, I'm going to kill me for this.

But I call them oatmeal cookies, but they're oatmeal cream pies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Debbie's? Yeah, I call them. Of course. Those. Keeping the freezer?

No. Should have kept them in the freezer. They didn't fit. Do you hear them? Yeah. A lot of waffles. I was a big waffle guy, man. Eggos?

Eggos. I mean, here it is. Yeah, man. Chocolate chimp or straight up. I'm playing, man. All right, good. Because I hated that whole wave of waffles. And it was really your kind of your generation.

Don't fuck this up, man. 90s kids. Yeah, you know what? Fuck you, it is. Yeah, it is. The cinnamon toast. Remember when they did the four little ones stuck together? Yeah.

Take that shit fucking out of here. Give me a buttermilk, egg, or waffle now. That's it. I want the square ones, too. Right. I don't need my fucking waffles on a goddamn spectrum when I'm running. I want either this or that.

You got the heat on your mouth. I know. Jesus. I don't want to run your whip. I don't even want to look over that way. This is from a friend of ours, Dr. Sam Rubinoff. Do you put whipped cream on pancakes? Absolutely not.

I don't even put butter on pancakes. That's crazy. Why is that? I don't like it. So just syrup? Just syrup. OK. And don't give me any syrup that already has butter mixed

in it. Don't do that. I fucking hate that shit. Do you cut the pancakes up into pieces and then put the syrup on it? I don't need losers to do that. Why are you looking at me, dog? I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. You look like. He's gentlemen will excuse me. I didn't know y'all had Ian and the Finances brother over there. Shout out to Ian and Ian. We love them. So, do you cut up your pancakes? I do.

I cut them up, and then I put the syrup on it because I want the syrup to soak into the fiber of the pancake. No, you just pour on more fucking syrup. That's very childish. All right. I apologize. Yeah, no.

And it also gets cold quicker. I mean, you probably consume them quicker than the average bear. I like pancakes pretty fast. You have to. I don't want to break. Yeah, that's a thing. You have to. Here's my theory of.

The heat plays a role in pancakes. My theory on pancakes. The only time pancakes are exceptional. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Is when they're made at home. Really? No. You go to a diner?

Nah, they're never really that good. Why not? Please explain this. I just don't think they're that great. The thing is, I'm not good enough because my first pancake always looks like shit. The first one's always fucked up. It's always shit.

That's a mulligan. Yeah. That's why I wish we had more kids. I feel like my son is like the first pancake. Oh, yeah. I think we're really going to fuck him up. Yeah, he's got some bad batter. Yeah, too bad.

I got bad cum, folks. It's all that cherry Gatorade. It's all that white cherry Gatorade, baby. All right, I got one growing up. Where was the family computer in what room? What computer? You didn't have a computer in the 90s or so? No.

No? Damn. Didn't need it for school? When I graduated from high school, we were barely using computers, man. Well, you're graduating. 98. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we didn't really fuck with them. We had a computer in the house. It didn't do anything. It really didn't. It took like five disks just to get it started. The floppies. I took that shit to college. They were like, what the fuck is this?

Jesus Christ. That's why I flunked out. We had like three computers in our school, and they only had like the encyclopedia Britannica loaded up on them. So you couldn't really do shit. But they finally got, I think my parents finally got a computer in like 2000.

That's how I moved it. And my dad was like, yeah, we got a computer. You know how to use a computer son? He's flexing on you. I was like, yeah. I was like, I use Yahoo all the time. He goes, what's Yahoo? And I'm like, it was like the Google of the time.

I'm like, how do you have a computer and not know what Yahoo is? You obviously don't know how to use a computer. You clearly don't know how to use a computer. Nobody was stunned by that technology and taken off guard than dads from the 90s, because they didn't know what to do with it. I don't know what your dad did, but we

had multiple computers where all of a sudden, they didn't work. And it was like, well, we know where all these pop up coming from, you're talking. Naughty time. Yeah. Stag movies and fucking playboys. That's all they knew. When those guys saw what they could look at on a computer.

I think I caught my dad one time, because it started to auto-populate the search bar. Because I put an H.O. and it just said hot, sexy, older women. I was like, really? It's like he's googling porn like a 12-year-old kid, hot, sexy, older women. I want to see boobs. Women with boobs.

Yeah, boobs. Cool boobs. That's awesome. Oh, man. Beautiful. Oh, boy. Am I that boring? No.

What are you talking about? I'm trying to pick a good one. Yeah, there's just so many. Now, then, I'm, hmm. Honestly, you're just coming up so classy that it's like. Am I classy? So far, you are. Not trashy.

You're for sure not. The only knocks you have is the Gatorade. So you admit it's a knock. It's bad. Yeah, there's the Gatorade's bad. The White Gatorade. No, the Sojourn. Don't you fucking try.

Don't you try to split us up. Have you ever won anything? Sweepstakes. I won something. Lottery. My aunt won. Actually, I have two people in my family that won the lottery. Really?

Scratchers are like the daily numbers. My aunt won the Arizona State Lottery. How much? 2.9. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Holy shit. Damn.

She lives with my parents now. That's always what happens. Did she blow through it? Her ex-husband did, man. He fucked her over. God damn it. Yeah. That's a fucking.

There's never a good story with a lot of them. And then my mom's aunt and her husband, they won the, dude, they won the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes. They won like $10 million. What the fuck? Did they show up with a big check? Yeah, they won the whole thing, man. I don't talk to them, but yeah, they won.

Damn. Holy shit. Why don't you talk to them? I mean, I don't talk to them. You don't have to get into it. Because I have the money. Really? Yeah.

Damn. They were like, yeah, peace out, losers. Yeah. Dude, honestly, I respect the move, though. Yeah. I hit for $10 million. I'm out. 2.9 million.

Reader's Digest, though. That's a nerdy way to fucking win $10 million. Yeah. Come on. That ain't cool. That ain't Ed McMahon. That ain't the fucking sweeps. He ain't showing up at the house.

Publishers clearing out. I want a jellybean count one time. Oh my god. You are a nerd. You are a nerd. How many were there? I can't remember, man. 3,982.

My son is like that, man. I think he might be on the spectrum somewhat, man. Yeah, he's a. Where was this at? It was in elementary school, where I won the jellybean count. It sounded like 12 jellybeans. That was the only thing I've ever won in my life. Yeah, I don't think I've ever won anything, either.

No, winning things are bad luck. You don't want to win nothing. If I won the lottery, you don't. You don't want to win anything. Coming from a born loser. Listen, losing's bad, kids, okay? You never won anything, either? I mean, like a sweepstakes, I don't think.

Maybe like a 50-50 raffle to beef and beer or something. Or like something like that, but never. No, nothing by chance. Yeah, no, I don't think. If I won the lottery, I would number one, wouldn't tell anybody and I would not want to be. I would do it privately. Because you don't want to be the lottery winner.

Look at your aunt. You know what I mean? There was a guy in my aunt and uncle's neighborhood. Classic fucking white trash fucking family. This guy won the fucking lottery and it was like a nightmare. Transams everywhere. Yeah, dude, when a bag goes and shit starts going up. Literally exactly.

He went through like four IROC Z28s in that year. Fucking like nine DUIs fucking blew the money. It never ends. Well, you got to win privately and do something with it. The people that typically play the lottery aren't the classiest of people. So when they win, they don't know how to spend the money. Millionaires who have generated wealth aren't going,

let me play the lottery. My aunt was pretty smart, man. It's just the guy she was with really fucked her over. He was into pyramid schemes and shit. Yeah, that's how they fucking get you those goddamn pyramid schemes. My buddy won in college or the year we graduated college. He was working in SEPTA, which is like the public

transportation of Philly and the whole accounting department won. It was like one of like two. That's always a nightmare. It was always like the $250,000,000. You got to kill everybody. There was an aunt a few years ago. It was maybe this year where she had sent her nephew

to go buy the ticket. He bought the ticket. But it was, no, the aunt was the bad one because she was supposed to split it with them. And then at the fucking presentation, she was making a scene on the news like, I'm suing him. I'm not splitting it with him. And this and that, all he did was go and get it and blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. It tears families apart. It's so weird. Anytime I've ever with friends or like co-worker or whatever, I've been like, oh, everybody throw up like 10. But like if it was like one of the huge jackpots, I'm like, oh, everybody throw up 10 bucks. We'll go to Jersey and get the tickets

before it was like different states. Oh, that's garbage. Yeah, for sure. Surviving to get lottery tickets. I am what I am. Ohio state one's up to $48 million. Let's drive up there. But I would go over and say, we're like, all right,

we're buying $50 worth of tickets or whatever. I would always buy a couple just for me. You know what I mean? Just where I'm like. And then what if you won? How would you explain that? I would say these are my own. Everybody has these numbers.

Kippy's got his little heads. You would get fucking. I would murder you. I'm sorry, man. Yeah, no shit. These are mine. Hey, this is what it is. Hey, there's $150 million on the table.

I don't care about you, OK? Would you split it? 100%. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. $150 million, if I won that? I'll just give me a couple of million. Don't you hate the guy when you go. I'm going to kill myself with that in a car.

I could do it in a couple months. You're close with like the four grand you have. I hate the guy who was always like, oh, $100 million. That's really not that much money. Oh, god, well, you're taxing. Yeah, the tax is. It's like, suck a dick. Or the guy who's like, I'll just live off the interest.

It's like, no, you won't. No, you won't. It's like, that's the same guy you work with. It's like, dude, I saw you today at lunch, put Burger King on a credit card. There's no fucking way. There's no way you're living off the juice. Yeah.

You're going to figure out how to manage money. Have you ever put fast food on a credit card? Is an unbelievable art. I've done it. Yeah, I mean, it's just a car. At this point, they're all the same. It's just a car now. I used to love the guy.

I saw a whole fucking. I wrote a check one time with McDonald's. I've had my. I've said this before. Dude, I used to write bad checks. On purpose? Yeah. When I was trash, when I was a when I was a.

Dude, this is how bad it was legal. Oh, absolutely. I mean, like, OK. No, this is dude. This is 100 years. This is when I was probably 22, 23. They're not getting it now. No, I don't give a fuck.

So I would come get a thousand rounds of AR 15. Yeah, come get them. Yeah, come get me. So I used to bank with Credit Union West. It's on base. And then they had an armed forces bank that was on base as well. Literally right across the street from each other.

The same two different banks. I would have no money. We would want to go to a club that weekend. I would go, man, fuck this. I would go to Armed Forces Bank and write a check for like 100 bucks. They had to know. It's like, it's Friday.

It's Friday at 4.50. Yeah, I'm writing this check to my bank that is literally right across the street. They were never like, why don't you just go right across the street? I used to write bad checks all the time, man. It got to the point where I knew, like, OK, Armed Forces Bank, they take about three days before they cast a check.

Yeah, you can jockey it a little bit. Yeah, you can you can fuck around with it. But then, like, Target got the little, you know, you know, you know, one of those fucking machines. Oh, the rat, yeah, the zip zapper. Yeah, yeah. Boy, what's that? It's like a.

It runs the account number and the routing number. And it's like, yeah. It's almost like a debt. It's almost like it almost debits your account immediately. Yeah, yeah. That's when it became computerized. Yeah, that's when they were like. Relax, it's a weekend.

You don't need that thing. Yeah, I want to target a few times. They're like, yeah, we can't cast a check. There's no money in there. Really? Fuck my bad, yeah. Yeah, dude. Yikes.

You never, you never floated a check. Oh, I've bounced a check from time to time. He just did it about two weeks ago. You never used to float them when you were younger? No, what I do. So we've thought, I've talked about this before. What I would do, I got really good with the processing time on debit cards

and stuff like that of like. I would like open up a bar tab and then I wouldn't put it on. I was big on like getting the cash out. I would overdraw my account on purpose. Oh, one of those? Yeah. So like, I knew if it was the weekend

and they're going to charge me 35 bucks or whatever to overdraft once and I didn't have money. I would just take out 500 bucks. Yeah, why not? That's a Monday problem. Yeah, that's fucking, I'll figure that shit out on Monday.

It's fucking, it's dollar beers at O'Hallahans or whatever. I got really good with my, the same thing, but with credit card coming out of my account. If I pay my credit card bill on my phone, it immediately gives me the credit, but it doesn't take the money out of my account for a couple of, no, but that's, I usually, I like when it comes right out.

Now I got the card for the weekend, at least, I can fucking, you know, a little breather room. Yeah, a little breather room. You know what I mean? I need it. A little breather room. That's so funny. Man, being a young broke airman was some fun times, man.

What's your, talking about credit, how many cards do you have now? I have two. American Express? No, just a USAA card and like a Visa. What's the limit on them? One is like, I want to say they're both like 12,000. Damn, holy shit, it's kind of rich.

12 grand? Let me borrow two grand. And what about the credit score? It's over 700. I don't fuck around. I mean, he is like a proper adult, you know what I mean? I got a kid, man.

He's got a family. Do you get cash back when you use your card? I don't even know how this year works. I don't have anything good. That's good. That's a gentleman's move. Getting cash back is too rich. Is it?

Yeah, 100%. That's a bad look. Getting five or 10 bucks out of the register. I just see the S or something. Garbage. Let me ask you this. If you cracked an egg, do you eat eggs? Yes.

You crack an egg, it's got two yolks. He eating it or are you throwing it away? I'm eating that, bad boy. Yeah, I gotta be honest, I did three eggs yesterday. I don't know where my local grocers get the fucking eggs from. All three eggs were doubles. It was scary, dude.

Holy shit. It was so much. This guy's eating lizard eggs. Yeah. What the fuck? I was so nervous, dude. It's a farm next to a nuclear plant. Yeah, I thought myself getting stronger.

Three of them? You got three doubles. You should play the lottery. Yeah, you should. I was like, dude, I did the first one. I'm like, oh, look at that, a double. I grabbed the second one and I cracked it again. It was a double and I was like, dude,

I was like reaching for the third and it was big. It was like a baseball. I'm like, dude. That arm's that coming out of the shell? This is a double. I don't know what to do, but it was the last three eggs. So I just fucking. Jeez.

Could you imagine being like a gambling guy and seeing that and go, I want to see how long this can go. You're just cracking all the eggs in your house. What did you do? I got doubles on three. I want to push it. I want to press it. That's like four cherries.

Yeah, never walk away from the table on a eater. All right, let's see. Growing up, end or now, Sprite or 7-Up? Oh, man. I'm growing up. I'm going to say 7-Up. Sure. 7-Up.

What? What? What the fuck now? Sprite didn't become cool until the dunk happened. Until the proper 90s. 7-Up. So what do you do now? I'm more of a Sprite guy.

I mean, you can't find 7-Up anymore. Yeah, you can. What are you talking about? It's like a unicorn. You can't see. There's frutopia. I want some frutopia. That's what I want.

High singing the can. 7-Up had this dude that used to sell it. Remember the guy was in that? He was always under like a palm tree and he's like 7-Up. Oh, yeah, yeah. That guy'd make you die. Dying of thirst. He was so good.

But Sprite didn't become cool until like the proper 90s. OK, I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Soda Steve over here. God damn, relax. Are you a root beer guy? It's a podcast about soda. You know what?

Every once in a while, I will buy a root beer. But I don't get like the A and W. If I go to a grocery store and they have like an artisan root. Sure. I'll go for it. I'll go for artisan root. Bananas. Wow.

What's your drink at the movies? This is a regular Coke, man. OK. I don't think you can beat Coke in Popcorn, man. Is that combo? You can't beat it, man. You can. It's called Cherry Coke.

That's how you go. You can get the fuck out of here. You're not Cherry Coke? Cherry was a turn, huh? Cherry, what are you? Thank yourself and up and kick rocks. Will you, Fatty? I'm hanging out with him.

A Cherry Coke? What? I mean, Chris, if you're talking bad about Cherry Coke. You're drinking white Gatorade. This guy's coming at me. I'm a traditional guy. I don't like sex missionary. I don't do it.

And afterwards, a nice Cherry white white Cherry Gatorade. Would you ever go barefoot in somebody else's house? Yes, I have. OK. Worse than I've ever seen, I saw somebody barefoot in a bathroom at an amusement park. What? Dude, tell me that's not fucking this guy.

Oh, he's dead. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine that? Dude, he didn't make it out of the park. Because when you walk in, you can just see all the splotches. Fucking barefooted. I had to get out of there.

Dude, I'm going to stir up. That's tough. When was this? Are you an amusement park guy? You take the family to the amusement park? I love riding rides, man. It's been a while, but yeah. Where's the typical Allen family vacation?

Well, growing up, we had Sea Breeze, which is a small, shitty one in Rochester. Sure. But we also had a Damian Lake that was about an hour away. And we used to do that. But now we'll go to Bush Gardens in Virginia. Is it Williamsburg? Williamsburg.

Yeah. Strash. Oh, Bush Gardens Fire. No, Williamsburg is shit. It's self, because that's the colonial shit. And then, you know. It's all trash. As a black man, I don't fuck with the colonial.

I don't need to tour any slave quarters. Yeah, no shit. I can't believe they still do that. It's fucking insane. We went on some tour like that, and they had people doing it. And it's like, they had this black guy, and he was explaining to us in this barn. I was about to be like, do you want to get it?

Do you want me to just want to get you to fuck out of here? Oh, fuck. Yeah, having kids like, oh, you guys want to pick cotton? This is like, no. What the fuck? I'm good on that shit, man. What the fuck up is that? I know people that swear about Bush Gardens, though,

that it's awesome. You don't like it? We think it now. No, it's trash. OK, what do you like? Great adventure, which is garbage. I've never been there. They're all trash.

The daily amusement parks, lean trash. I agree. They have to. I mean, if you can get in with. Dory Park's a tough one. If you can get in with a fucking soda can, it's fucking trash. I mean, what are we doing here?

Couple cans of Coke at your old bay. Chugging a six pack in the parking lot. I think the thing with Bush Gardens was, and Kevin, you can tell me if I'm wrong. I've been. The Big Bad Wolf. Uh-oh. They had the commercials all the time we were getting.

They would show the Big Bad Wolf. That's all they would show is people going up. And it's just, we'd see the commercials all the time. We could never go there and never go there. We went. And I remember that. So you develop a hatred for it. I love it.

No, I love it. It was like, we're going. And then my dad was like, guys, pack the car. We're going to fucking Williams, you know. We're going to Colonial Williamsburg and Bush Gardens for whatever, the weekend or the long weekend or whatever. And I just got there remembering, like, this is fucking Six Flags or Dornie Park.

Or it's all the same shit. Yeah. Yeah. Just wasn't for me. I love the food, man. You can't do like the fried dough. Uh, I love it. You know what's great?

Like those little carnivals, like the summer carnivals. And they have like the, just like the hut. It's like the lights. And it's like fried dough. Fried oreos. Sausage and peppers. Oh, yeah. They're all the same.

Good thing. Who was the last time you guys been to an amusement park? Last time I've been to an amusement park. Yeah, it's been a while. A minute, yeah. You know they have like, they have like these food packages you can get now? They have one where it's just like, it's basically

all you can eat and drink. It's like 40 bucks. And I want to say, every hour you can get something. Damn. Yeah. That's pretty awesome. That's pretty fucking dope, dude. 40 bucks?

It's like 40 bucks. And it's all you can eat. I'm gonna have my wedding there. Yeah. They rake over the coals. 40 is not bad. It's not. Because we went, I was like, man, that's kind of expensive.

And then you eat one time and you go, well, fuck. Yeah, it's like $9 for a coals. It's like, we just spent 40 bucks. Like if one person gets this, then like, her, my wife and son can eat now and I can eat later. It's like, it only costs us 40 bucks and we can eat all fucking day. Yeah.

So that's the way to go. If you go to a music park, get the all day package, man. I went to Disney a couple of years ago now. I am dreading the Disney trip, man. Have you ever been? No, I'm terrified, man. It's you're going to get there and you're going to realize how expensive it is.

You're like, yeah, it's fucking whatever. It's like thousands of dollars to get down there and stay and go. And then you're going to look around and be like, how do you people have this money? It's like, all like, cut off t-shirts, people shirtless, credit cards. Yeah, credit cards like that. Credit cards.

It brings out like the proper dregs of society. I want to go on record. I'm a big fan of the Disney Corporation. I think they do impeccable work. Nothing skis me out more than Disney World, the thought of Disney World. It's a good time, especially Epcot. I've said, you know, tour around.

You drink around the world, that whole thing. The heat, the sweat, and the fucking scumbags probably walking around in there. There's a lot of dirtballs. I don't want to be the dad who is just back home, wherever state I live in, and I'm wearing a goofy hoodie. Have you ever noticed, think about this shit, any time you really see people wearing Disney stuff,

it's never fucking clean. No. The Winnie the Pooh racing jackets are always fucking dirty. They're not in shape. They're never, I know. They all look like me. A grown man in a goofy hoodie. When you're going, when you're flying,

and you're on the plane, and there's a grown couple with no kids sitting there with the mouse ears on next to you, and you're like, what in the fuck are we doing? Tell you that. They should be shot right there. It's bad. It's bad. And it's not the kids or the corporation that ruined it.

It's the adults that ruined it. Did you see the guy complaining a couple weeks ago? Not to get political, but he was like, they ruined my experience. They got rid of, I guess he was doing the Jungle Cruise, and they got rid of some of the racists-looking natives. I do remember that. He's like, it took me out of the fantasy.

It's like, dude, you're fucking 50 years old. You're fucking rid of a fantasy of Disney? Are you kidding me? You should be Googling a hot older lady. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, I don't want to be a Disney dad. I'll catch that.

I'm afraid of being a Disney dad. Here's one. What do you got? May apply, may not apply. Have you or do you currently have any money out to a friend that has any friend ever borrowed a large amount of money off you that they still owe? Or did you borrow any money off a friend

that you might still owe? I have somebody that owes me money. Really? Yeah. What are we talking about? Give me your number. About $350. $350?

How long ago does Eziota to you? Probably about 40 years. So that's washed. You're not getting that. But here's the thing. I learned early on, if you're going to give, just fucking give. And don't expect it back. Don't expect it back.

Right. But I had to have a tough conversation. I had to go, hey, man, this is it. This is the last time I'm going to help you. I can't do it anymore. Why? Was he hitting you up? It was one of those things where I was just like,

hey, can I get this? It was like, oh, not a problem. $20, $30 bucks here. Then it was like, hey, can I borrow $100? I'm like, yeah, it's not a big deal, because I was still active duty. My wife was working. Was he paying you back the little ones that he never?

Just double dipping. Yeah. Just never got anything back. We're still cool. We don't talk. It's fine. Just, yeah, you got to let it go. It's just a wash.

Yeah. Yeah. $350 is not. You got to wait somewhat clean for it. It's a wash. Yeah. All right. That's good.

That's good. Oh, I've got to. This is embarrassing. Here we go. Fuck it. I don't give a fuck. So, dude, I went, what they call it, TDY down to Georgia one time, the TDY temporary duty.

I was down there for six months. I had a government credit card, and I had. I was staying in corporate housing. I was down there for, like I said, six months. And I'm living up this government credit card, man. I'm just fucking living it up, going out every night. You have to pay it back? You're supposed to pay it back?

Supposed to. Yeah. You got to pay it. It's supposed to even out, basically. Because you get per diem and all that kind of shit. It's supposed to even out. You're supposed to sell it up every month. So I get back after six months.

I'm doing my travel voucher. And there's like a $3,000 balance left on there. I'm like, what the fuck? Dude, I did about a month of research I had. I was calling the finance office. They go, dude, you owe this fucking money. You have to pay. And I had to ask my parents.

I was like, I'm getting in trouble, man. I need $3,000. Could you have gotten in trouble? Oh, they would have took it. Yeah, they would just kept his fucking pay. This is a US federal government. Yeah, true. If it would have got to a point where they go,

look, we're just going to doccupay until it's paid off. And they'll just take the whole chunk. Like, hey. Not a little bit. Yeah, they'll just go, hey, you're not getting paid for the next month and a half. So until you get that money back. Figure it the fuck out.

But when they owe you money, it takes months to get your money back. But yeah. So I had to ask my dad for the money. He gave it to me. And some months later, he's just like, don't worry about that. That's just kind of a gift.

We never, he's like, we never give you anything. He's like, just take the money. But I still, so I owe my dad $3,000, man. Whatever. So sorry, dad. I love Chris's dad. Dad sounds like a fucking straight shooter. Oh, speaking of straight.

You want to hear this story about my dad? So I was probably about 10 years old. And my dad worked from 3 to 11. He worked evenings. And he gets home one night. And he's looking at our neighbors back here. He goes, the ghost in his garage. He's like, why is the garage door open?

They're an older, older couple. There was no reason for them to be out there at that time of night. Neighborhood watch this guy. That's how my dad is, man. So he goes, I think somebody's over there. He kept looking. There was somebody up over there in their garage.

He goes upstairs, comes back down with a shotgun. Oh, boy. Did you know he had that? Oh, yeah. I knew he had that shotgun. And it was like this leaning up against the wall. And I'm like, damn, my dad's got a fucking gun. This is so cool.

Holy shit, leaning up against the wall. This is the scariest way to have a shotgun. Yeah, it's just leaning up against the wall. Just in the corner is leaning. And he's just watching to see this guy. And he sees him again. So he runs back. He grabs the shotgun, runs out the back door.

Dude, my dad has got a gun in one hand, uses the other hand to catapult over the fucking fence. He goes over there. He goes, get on the fucking ground right now. Oh, blow your fucking head off. Oh, shit. And the dude's like, yo, dude, chill, chill, chill. The cops come.

My dad has got a fucking shotgun on this dude's head. The cops come from my neighbors, driveway, and from our yard that drowned down on my dad. It is so scary, because I think about this a lot. This happened in probably, like, 1990. I'm thinking, like, there's no telling on what would have happened if this was, like, current time. No shit.

They see a big-ass dude with a shotgun in somebody's head. But they walked up to him slowly. They were like, sir, just don't move. He was like, I'm the one who called. They were like, just don't move. And he just stood there. The one cop walked up on my dad. They took the shotgun.

And they arrested the guy. And they were like, we need more people like you. This is great. Yeah, dude, it was fucking. Dude, Mr. Allen's a fucking superhero. I'm pretty sure my dad got the best head of his life that night. There's no way my mom was not. Was Mrs. Goldstein?

Mr. Goldstein. Mr. Goldstein, yeah. It was a tandem event. Yeah, he had the Yamacong. He left it on, too. Dead is a dead. What are you going to do? That's fucking awesome.

That's Danny Glover. He's too old for that shit. I'm too old for that shit. Dude, the one-hand jump over. Oh, dude. Oh, my god. That's like Mel Gibson. It was so cool, man.

The way he just fucking vaulted over that fence, I was like, damn, my dad's a badass, man. Jesus. Yep, man. Did you and your dad ever fight? Absolutely not. Never. But he fucked you up?

Absolutely. Yeah. Really? Yep. Y'all just saying that gave me pause. Like, it's funny, because I met so many guys throughout my military career. They would go, oh, yeah, I fucked my dad.

My dad was a pussy. My dad was dead. I was like, yeah, your dad's a fucking. Your dad's a real pussy if you could beat your dad up. Dude, that's. Just mentally, it's not over now. My dad would have. My dad probably still beat my ass.

My dad, he's had both of his hips replaced. He's got a bad knee. But there's no way. Still got the shotgun, no problem. The shotgun, a couple of hands. And there's that dad strength. Yep. I would not fuck with my dad now.

So this day, I wouldn't even cross my mind to fight with my father. Never. No matter what happened, yeah. All right, let's see here. That's fantastic. This is one we've been talking about. You came with luggage.

Yes. Is it name brand luggage? No. What is it? I got it from, like, TJ Maxx. It's the best place to get cheap luggage, man. It is, man. It doesn't hold up, though.

It's like two trips and the wheels are falling off. Even the hard. I got a hard case. All right, that one's all right. It's got a lock on it, too. Do you use the lock? I don't use the lock. If you're looking to move a couple of keys,

TJ Maxx is the place to get some shit to throw away. I wouldn't be so, dude. I bet you that's where they go. I bet you that's where they go. I spent money on nice luggage? Yeah. Not getting in a way bag. Shout out.

Did you see somebody turn in $1.2 million with the cocaine that washed up on the beach? Yeah, I did see that. Would you turn it in? That wouldn't be 1.2. It would be one. It would be one. One?

OK. If it was Coke, yeah. If it was cash, I would take the cash. I know I would feel if I was the guy who turned in, say, I found $1.3 and I was the guy who turned in $1 million worth of cocaine. I feel they would be looking at me to see if I started moving cocaine.

Yeah. I'd be like, this is the perfect fucking setup for them to be like, you went here, you texted here, I'd be thinking to have a tail. If it was cash, it'd be different. You can hide cash. I can't do that. I couldn't take the Coke, man.

I'm not sitting on fucking Coke. Then I'm like, you're just sitting on blow? What the fuck? Yeah, no. Taking it? It was a suitcase full of cash? It was Coke. Oh, no.

I wouldn't be, first of all, I'm not selling it. That's for the holidays. Labor Day's coming up. It's the same theoretic. Merry Christmas. You just had a Merry Christmas kid. I would be more worried about the drug dealers looking, coming and finding it.

And I wouldn't be the guy that, well, I walked to the police station, I turned in a fucking million dollars worth of cocaine. Like the cocaine guys are going to see you on the fucking lookbook. There you go. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't touch it.

I would walk right by it. I was the only one. I wouldn't make a phone call, nothing. Leave me the fuck out of it. Take a little dab, see what's up. Just a little bit. Take your switchblade out, fucking. I can't.

I've never wanted to do cocaine, but I've always wanted to do that. I wanted to be the guy to go, this is good. But real cops say they don't do that, because if it's poison, it'll kill you. That's so true. They just stab it. Yeah, it's good.

That guy's high for the rest of the shift. Yeah. You guys want to get a beer? What's the deal? I'll be in the evidence room if you need me. Yeah, man. I was the only guy in my barbershop that said I would have walked right by it.

I wouldn't have touched it. Yeah, I wouldn't have fucking touched it. I just do that much. I don't need people looking at cocaine. People are looking for that cocaine, man. Get the fuck out of here. People are looking for that cocaine. You don't lose 1.2 million dollars in cocaine

and just let it go. But I think some of those guys can. They go, if they're moving that much, it's like whatever. No, here's the thing. The guy who's running the show can afford to lose that. The guy who lost it is going to get chainsawed the second he gets back to fucking Guatemala. Exactly, he's chainsawed.

That ain't my fucking problem. Well, I mean, the threat of a chainsaw is a pretty big motivation to find your cocaine. You should take better inventory, that's all I'm saying. That's so funny, because that's what everybody in our shop said. They go, man, if you're shipping it that big, they account for losing shit.

They really do, though. Of course, they do. They really do. But when you're talking about cocaine, you can't assume, like, oh, this is the surplus that they wrote off. Yeah, you can't assume, like, hey, I got the shortage here. Yeah.

Man, fuck that. Have you ever owned a switchblade or a butterfly knife? No, but I look for them constantly, if I'm honest. Really? I do. They're so cool to me for some reason. I just want to fucking, I think it's cool. What about numchucks?

I used to make them all the time. Make them? Yes. I don't want my toilet paper rolls or whatever. No, my dude, my mom used to get so mad. I would take broom handles and cut them, and then I would take shoelaces. This guy's nuts.

Cut the shoelaces, and then my dad is a big handy guy. So I would just go downstairs and just nail the shoelaces to them. And my mom was like, what the fuck are you doing? You can't cut off a broom handle. I can't sweep the kitchen anymore. I made a couple of shields in my day with some trash cans. Oh, really?

I'm watching great. The best was a fucking wrapping paper roll. Around Christmas time, me and my brother getting into fucking death blows. Instant lightsaber. I pulled out a pair of those numchucks in a fight once. You did? Yeah.

I got scared and threw them away. I threw them down. He did. Yeah. I'll be a Latin class if you need me. Getting beat up with the numchucks that you made. That's a tough look, man. He beat his ass with his own numchucks.

He's a shit christmas ship too, pussy. Yeah, man. I threw him down. I was in a fight one time, and this kid had a chain. Like, he was like, the other guy, we were watching. And he had a chain. And the guy looked at him. He goes, if you hit me with that,

you better fucking kill me. And he just put it down. Damn. He didn't have to even thought it was all flash. It was all trying to scare him. Dude, one night, we were sitting on my front steps. It was me, my cousins, a bunch of my friends. Summer night, really nice night.

We were just sitting there hanging out, just chilling. In Rochester. In Rochester. This is probably like 95. And we were just sitting there hanging out. And this older dude, he's probably like in his early 20s, he comes running by. He's like, help me, help me, help me.

And he's fucking. I'm inside at that point, by the way. So we're on the record. I'm inside. We're at Push Gardens. That happened very shortly because he came running by. He's like, help me, help me, help me. We're like, get the fuck out of here.

Save yourself, pussy. He took off running, right? Another guy runs by. He has a bat. We're like, what the fuck? I'm not, dude, I'm not making this up. Next guy runs by with a chain. Third guy runs by with a knife.

We fucking run inside. Have no idea who this guy was or what the fuck he did. But I have no idea if that guy even lived. Because he had three people chasing him with a bat. Assortment of weapons. A knife and a chain. He was the bad guy. He was the bad guy, man.

He fucked up. He lost the 1.3 million coast, that guy. I saw two gay guys get into a fight after they arrived this house. They just happened to stop in front of my buddy's house, right? They get out the car. They're fighting about how they're

going to divvy up this stuff. One guy is on one side of the car. The other guy is on the other side of the car. And they're like playing Borneley Gay, which is completely fine. But it's funny because they're yelling at each other. They both open a back door. And there's nothing but fine China all in this backseat. Really?

And dude, they just start throwing this shit at each other. Like doing the ducking thing. So the one guy's like, fuck this. Do you remember back in the day when people, they thought it was cool to decorate their yard? They would plant bricks in their yard kind of sideways. So it would look kind of sawtooth, and they would put it around their bushes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they would have the two holes in them. This guy comes up into my buddy's yard. He fucking does this, rips the brick out of the ground, goes back to the car. He fucking pump fakes. The other guy jumps up. He fucking launches this fucking brick,

hits this guy in the head. He goes down like a ton of bricks. The guy jumps in the car and just drives off. And this guy is laying in the street. Blood is just pouring out of his head. I'll go up in the hood. We surround this guy with our bikes and just start fucking laughing.

Oh my god. Laughing at this guy. Laughing at this guy. I don't even know what happened. We just took our bikes and went off. I don't know who called the ambulance. I mean, that's just dumb ignorant shit like that we used to do. I feel like back in the day, it was just like, OK,

that's your problem. I'll see you later, type thing. There's also no cell phones and stuff like that. It was way different. Yeah, dude. Jesus. That was a wild fight. It was so funny to see them just throwing dishes, tea cups

and shit back in class everywhere. And when something like that happens, like you think about it, but when the reality when it happens, you're like, what the fuck? I know you're like, what the fuck is going on? And we just stood there watching it like, damn. We were, oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

One night, my dad, we were in the suburbs and we had just kind of moved down to the Philadelphia area. So it's like a Sunday night. My dad said, come on, we'll take a ride down. Got Kelly Drive, which is on the river where the, like, Boathouse Row. It's like real pretty, yeah. Yeah, they have lights on the houses and stuff like that.

And it was a summer night. And there's a bunch of people out there. You know, there's a little bit of traffic. You know, they're like around the park and stuff like that. And all of a sudden, this fucking car flies up next to us. And there's a guy hanging out the window. And like, half of his fingers, like, half of his hand is sliced off.

Damn. And they're screaming. They're like, they fucking cut my hand off. They got my screaming for the police. My dad was like, nope. No, no. Later. Let's go to Dairy Queen.

Yeah, fuck, man. Yeah, it's traumatic. We saw it at Niagara Bar. We used to do shows at Niagara Bar in the East Village. And there was Thompson Square Park is right there. And it's like, Thompson Square Park is, like, dicey. There's, like, a lot of street people. There's a lot of drugs over there.

There's always just, like, people in and out. It's real weird. And these two street people got in a fight. And the one guy had, like, a, were you there? Like a machete. Like a machete place, huh? It was like a legit sword. It was a sword.

It was like a, like, he made some sort of, he fashioned a sword. And him and another guy were going at it. And the other guy had a six pack of beer. Do you remember? And he was like, if you come at me, I'm going to hit you with a beer. So he fucking won a beer at the guy's head. And the sword guy ducked it.

And he threw another one at it. And he ducked that one. And another one. But then he only has two left. Like, he shot all of his ammo. But now he's like, I want to drink these. Yeah. Listen, man, I was expecting to have two of these.

And it was just like this. And I'm like, what the fuck is going? It was like 6 PM. And then like the cops finally, like we see like sirens. And we're like, OK, somebody finally called the cops. I think cops went right by it. Like, they were going to something else. It's like, gotta love the East Village, baby.

This summer's a wild shit that just goes on, man. It's crazy. And then just like, it just stopped. And then just go back like, no, that never happened, you know. I still want to be a cop too, man. I couldn't imagine like running to that shit every single fucking day. You're just seeing people at the worst time of their lives.

Oh, fuck. It's a fucking tough look. Dicey. All right, let's do a couple. Do you have any more? Do you got a lot left? I could keep going. I got a whole bunch of fun stuff.

Anybody in your family ever been on the local news for any reason at all? Yeah, my cousin, she was on the news because she was a teller. They got stuck up when they robbed the bank that she worked at. Yeah. It was cool. I can't remember.

This is like, fuck. You don't get that much at a bank. It's like seven grand, maybe. Plus you hit a die pack, you're fucked. Yeah. You're fucked. She was on there with the silhouette and the voice and everything.

Were you? Yeah. Oh, that's extra garbage. That's a fucking first. Oh, I didn't see the news. Are you kidding me? No, my cousin, Kimberly Bailey, everybody. Whoa, what the fuck?

This is like 25 years. Jesus. Holy shit. I've always wanted to be interviewed like that. That's awesome. My mom, she won like a $500 gift certificate at Wegmans for being like their millionth customer. Yeah, yeah, something.

So they had, dude, so she was just running in. Hair looked a mess. She looked like complete shit. Dude, they had her picture up in the front of a Wegmans for like six months. Over a gift card. That's great, dude. Yeah, man, I had an embarrassing mom.

I can't lie. She was like the black mom. Dude, I'm going to these private schools. She would pick me up like classic in the robe in the car. Rollers in and shit. Tweezing her chin hairs. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing to me, man?

I had this complex of being like the only black kid in the school. I didn't want to look poor. And here's my mom tweezing her fucking chin hairs outside the fucking gym. I'm coming out of the basketball practice, you know? It's like, oh my god. That's awesome.

My mom definitely dropped us off at school with a couple rollers in her hair, too. Yeah, tough luck. Yeah. She didn't give a fuck, man. She doesn't. I love my mom. All right, let's see.

Have you ever watched a pro sports game from a club box or sweet level? Have I ever? I'm trying to. I want to say, no, I have not. I can't. That's a level of class. Get your hands on those tickets.

Follow up on the other side of that. Have you ever attended a AAA baseball game or a G-League basketball game? Dude, I. This is a. Well, first of all, the Rochester Red Wings are in Rochester. So I've been to.

Is that baseball or? Baseball. Countless. I don't even think they're not AAA, are they? I think they might be double A now. Sounds high school, if you're asking me. The Rochester Red Wings. Yeah, dude.

They couldn't give away tickets back in the day. Oh my god. None of them can. They would be at. It was so bad. Every store just had piles of free tickets at the register. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were dumb kids.

You would take a stack of them and try to sell them to people. It's like, I can just walk into this. I can go to the Wegmans as well. And just buy. Yeah, just get them for free. But yeah, I used to go a lot. And I did stand up at a Red Wings game.

Damn. And on the field and on the field in between innings. From the mound. From from next to the dugouts. And the baseball players are looking like, look, look at this fucking piece of shit. I want to be like, do you make like $14,000 a year? Shut up.

But yeah, dude, trying to do like crowd work to people through that net was not fun, man. Sir, what do you do for work? I'm the umpire. He's like, you're out of it. It was not fun. But it was cool being a big sports fan. I'll baseball my first love.

Anytime you're on a pro field or like a professional field, I was on a football field. I was like, it was fucking, it's a surreal event. Isn't it weird like the first pro game that you ever go to, you get there and you go, oh, the court's the same size. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For some reason in your mind, you think it's this big stage

and you get there, it's just like, oh, no, this is just a fucking basketball court. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have a Rollerblades growing up? No, I had a skateboard. I had a Back to the Future skateboard. Somebody stole it. You had a Velverik or whatever it was,

like the actual Back to the Future. No, it was, no, it was just like some shit in here. Okay. Somebody stole it. I was going to ask if you've ever been on a bike with Rollerblades because that shit is wild when you see it. What's that?

Riding a bike with Rollerblades on? Yes. Have you ever seen a kid riding around on a bike with Rollerblades? Expect your gadget? What's that? That's insane. That's data from Goonies.

Data, data. Yeah. Use the back door. Oh, that's great. Have you ever owned a Chiapet? No. Have you ever bought used tires? No.

Okay. Have you ever been to a dueling piano bar? Yes. I lived in Vegas. Have you ever requested a song? Absolutely not. Okay. Who likes those fucking places, man?

I've been in college. The one popped up in Philly and I'm like, all right. People love it. And I didn't get it right away. I'm like, these two dudes are way too hyped to be playing the piano. How the fuck do they know every song?

And that's kind of creeping me out. Yeah, it's weird. I just need to know a little bit more about now. I know you got the white landscaper. Yeah. I was talking about the garage fridge at your parents house. You don't have one now, do you? I have a shed.

No, no. This is the first time I've never had a garage in a house that I lived in. You don't have a garage. I hate it. I hate not having a garage. What's the driveway? Is it asphalt or is it rocks or what is it?

It's asphalt. My neighbor's is a rock. It is. I hate it. Yeah. At least, but I like that by comparison, you look better. I do.

Because you got a better driveway. I do. Pool, you got pool? Sprinkler? Put the kids in the sprinkler? Sprinkler. Yeah, do the sprinkler. That was the best as a kid, man.

Driveway sprinkler. Nothing better. He said, oh, man. It was better than a pool. It really was. I like the spring excitement. So y'all grew up kind of in the inner city? No, we were in the suburbs.

Oh, OK. Yeah, suburbs of Philly. OK. Let's see. I had somebody who stole my bike as a kid. Frim requests me on Facebook a few years ago. You know it was him that stole it? Yeah, he rode by my fucking house in it.

Really? Oh, yeah. What did you say to him? Not a fucking thing. He was this kid. He was wild, man. He was a bad kid. He was bad.

This kid named Dre. I don't know if y'all remember. Probably not, because he might be pretty young. But there was this red-headed kid back in, I want to say, it was the early 90s. I want to say his name was like Eric Smith. He killed like a five-year-old kid and like stuck a stick up his ass.

Can we get a, I think that's his name. I think I know what vaguely remember what he talked about. Red-headed kid, he wore glasses. He looked like a fucking monster when he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Eric Smith. Eric Smith, that same dude that stole my bike when he went to Juby, had to stay the night with that same kid. Fuck that.

He came back and told him, he's like, yo, you saw the white boy that killed that little boy? He's like, I was in the cell with him. He's like, I didn't sleep all night. He was like, I was terrified. Jesus Christ. He had, dude, he had to bunk with that fucking kid, man. Fuck that.

That kid should be in solitary. Yeah, no shit. And that's why you don't steal bikes. No kidding. Yeah, he stole my Columbia 95, man. I was upset, man. The hell's a Columbia 95? That's what the, that was, I think it might have been a Huffy,

but it was like the Columbia 95 model. Huffy was all right. That was my shit, dude. Back in the day, Huffy was in. It had the goose neck. I had the pegs on the front and the back. It had the little thing on the front of the front spoke where I could spin my handlebars around and they didn't do it.

The gyro. Yeah, the gyro. That's the best. Only cool kids have gyro. Best Christmas of my life. And this motherfucker stole it, man. What do your parents say, though, when the bike got stolen? And your dad with the shotgun, he sees the kid riding her

at the bike, I'm surprised he didn't go get vengeance. No, my dad is very like, he's, my dad's quiet. My dad is very worried about like, I can't say retribution, but my dad is very like, don't fuck with them because I don't want them coming back here at night and trying some, let's just let it, let it die. Yeah. So you had to go tell your parents, hey, my bike got stolen.

Well, he saw it too. My dad was like, oh, there's the bike. And this is like, he's not going to do anything because my dad is very quiet. My dad's one of the nicest guys you can meet. But if you piss him off, he will, he will kill you. Jesus. Oh, another story about my dad.

Please. So. You mean the greatest man in the history of America? The most guy ever. Yeah. So my house, my house sits here, right? This is my house. And there's another street right here.

So whenever the snow plows would come, the edge of the snow plow would push all that stuff. Block your driver. It would block our driveway, all that heavy shit. You know, like all the fucking chonkais. My dad called, like, hey, when you guys come by my house, could you please make sure you don't leave all that heavy stuff at the mouth of my driveway?

It's a lot of work. I work a lot of hours. You know, please don't do that. Sorry, sir. We won't let it happen again. They did it like two or three more times. We weren't getting ready to go to my buddy's birthday party. And it just all happens.

This guy in this truck comes by, does it again. My dad reaches. My dad is crazy. He keeps weapons in his car. He used to keep a rusty-ass K-bar knife. Military issue. Dude, it was so fucking rusty. It was green, black, blue.

I was like, why do you keep it that way? Because if I stab somebody with this shit, they're going to get tetanus from this. Something's happening. And he kept like a galvanized pipe in the back under his seat, too. Dude, it was concrete cement, all kind of gunk in it. Had like some weird shit on the top.

It was very medieval. Damn. He reaches back, grabs that pipe. He flags down the snow plow, grabs the mirror, hops up there, says something to the guy, smashes the fucking front window out of this truck, gets back in the car, and we just drive off like nothing happens.

Jesus. And I asked my dad about this to this day. He goes, that never happened. You were seeing shit. Never happened. When he came back, was this stuff out of the driveway? It was out of the driveway, baby. My dad is.

There was no snow on your yard at all. Didn't snow that? It didn't snow at the house. There's no snow anywhere. It's a guy cutting our grass. It's like, why do they have? Yeah, my dad, man. He's a very quiet guy, very nice guy,

very Christian guy. But if you cross him, or you treat people like shit, night and day, man. It is terrifying. Terrifying. Good old Bobby. I didn't expect to talk about Bobby this much. Bobby's great, dude.

I fucking love Bobby. Bobby Allen? Bobby Jones. My name is Chris Jones. Bobby Jones. Bobby Jones, I like that. Bobby Jones. Bobby Jones.

Where'd you get Allen from? Middle name. Nice. Bobby Jones. And when I was, because I started doing comedy while I was in the military, I wanted to separate my comedy from my military career. So I started doing, I started using my middle name

once things got kind of serious. That makes sense. You got a car now? I do. What kind of car? What do you think I have? Lexus. OK.

What do you think? RAV4. No, you're down there. Really? Honda Pilot. No. It's an SUV. No.

It's not. I just said RAV4 because it's kind of like a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go completely against type. Go ahead. I'm going to say Prius. That's exactly what I had. Whoa.

Let's go. Prius, baby. Why so? I drive a lot. Damn. Like, I live in Charlottesville, and it's about an hour and a half from Richmond. And I would do the Richmond Funny Ball when I was like MC

and stuff. And you know, the pay for MC is shit, man. This is like 6, 7, 5. Yeah. 300 bucks. And I had a Nissan Maxima V6. Nice. Driving there every night.

I would spend about $175 a weekend on gas. And that was just for, I was like, man, I'm making $125 after gas. I was like, I can't keep doing this. And plus, I was starting to go to DC more, and that was getting way too fucking expensive, man. Yeah. Yeah.

So I had to get something that was way more economic. What color? It's black. Let me ask you about the gas. Now, younger, you do what you have to do. When you go get gas now, do you always fill it up? Oh, yeah. So you're not giving me 15 on this, 10 on this?

I'll say this. The only time I ever do that is if I'm traveling, because some states, the gas is like ridiculous. Sure. Just get you out of the state. It's like in Maryland or something. I'm like, fuck that. Give me six bucks.

Just to give me, I will still do six. To get out of there. Just to get out of there. Six is a tough look, though. But not in the Prius. Not in the Prius. Not in the Prius. That's three tanks.

You have me. I'll try the white Gatorade, OK? No, but I realized that I'm an asshole, because when I pull up to a gas pump, and I see like 357, I'm like, look at this fucking piece of shit. Yeah, meanwhile, you're putting six in. This fucking piece of shit. But then I go, you know, we've all been there.

Oh, buddy. We've all been there, man. Yeah. I used to, I remember going with like, I'm getting a pack of sigs. I'm like giving the guy like seven bucks when sigs were like 450 and being like, put the rest on pump too.

Put the change on pump too, will you? I'm doing my car favorite here. I got a Chevy Lumina out there, all right? I like a pack of razzles for yourself or something. I had a Lumina for a long time. I got to say, the Lumina has got some giddy up. It had, yeah, some giddy up. I had a lot of space too in there.

I had the like the 95, I think it was. Yeah, my mom had one. That was another car, one of the first cars that I drove here. Yeah, Lumina. Shout out to the Lum, baby. Here's the steering column, adjust your thing and broke. So like, you had to like hold the steering wheel. You had to really brace it to pull the shit out, yeah.

That's a tough look right here. That's a tough look. Yeah, cause you could just drive it and it would just do this. So if you want to go around corners, you have to like push it up, hold it from the bottom and then fucking turn. What the, it's like a flying a helicopter.

Yeah. And a constant state of chaos in a Lumina. Yeah, dude, it's pretty strange. Yeah, doing like 55 around a corner. You're inverted. Down as up, up as down. Yeah, it's got the goofy foot controls. I think I'm done.

I think I've made my decision. Yeah, I agree as well. I agree. I hope we're on the same page. I think so. I think we're on the same page, I believe. Is this the episode where they call black people carpets? Well, we have in the past, I think.

Of course, we shoot straight down the middle. Yeah, this is, since you are a gun owner, I think this is from our boy Alex and LL on Patreon. Nice. So when you sign up for Patreon, I'll answer your garbage question on the air. This is, is it garbage to have an NRA sticker on your house

but not own a gun? Jesus, yeah. That's trash. Yeah. That's like the fake, you know, the Citadel or whatever. Do you have anything like that on the house? Gun owner, beware of dog, anything like that? Any kind of warning or anything?

No, just by Confederate flag that I have. Keep it up front. This guy's all over the place. Hey, I'm with you fellas. There's a lot of them where I live at, man. Still? Oh, yeah. Really?

Absolutely. Just Confederate flag in the yard. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, where I live at, absolutely, man. Do you have a flag in your yard? Do you do a flag? No, no flag.

OK, any bumper stickers on the Prius? It's not a bumper sticker, but I do have one little sticker on the back of my car. What's it say? It says BCM gun fighter. It's a gun thing. That's OK. It's a motor.

You're a gunner. Like a video game gun or like an actual gun? No, it just says BCM gun fighter. I bought a sling from them, and it came with a sticker, so I just put the sticker on my car. All right. Yeah. It's a little self-preservation where I live at, man.

People know like, hey. Sure. He's got some nickel on him. This ain't going to be an easy one. Makes sense. That makes sense. I completely get it. This one's from Brendan, since we're on the top of cars.

Have you ever had a car you've had to access through the passenger door? Or through the window? Yeah. Dude, the first car I had was a 91 Dodge Shadow. It didn't have a path. It didn't. Dude, I'm so stupid.

It wouldn't start one night. I'm at my girlfriend's house, and the window's halfway down. I'm super young. I didn't know. If you slam this shit out of a car door and the window isn't up all the way, it's going to shatter. I didn't know that. Especially those older cars where it wasn't airtight.

Dude, it fucking exploded. Yeah, oh, they go quick. Boom. I was like, what the fuck? So one, the car didn't have AC. So I lived in Arizona with a car that didn't have AC for about three years. Jesus Christ.

And then for a few months, I didn't have a driver's side window. Jesus. No rain. But still, how does the glass everywhere, though? Glass everywhere. It's probably for months afterwards, too. Then I bought a window, but I couldn't get the mechanism

to work, so I just taped it up. So whenever I went through the gate, I had to open the door to give the guy my ID. This is changing my original answer. Yeah, man. No, that's not. How old were you? 21, 22.

I'll give it to you. I'll let that slide a little bit for sure. What about the fact I was paying $300 a month for just liability insurance only for that motherfucker? Jesus Christ. They saw you coming from a mile away. This is funny. The guy, I fucked the guy over who sold it to me.

He wanted $500 for it, but he was going to Korea, and I was like, oh, he's only got a few days left. He's going to get desperate. So I waited like two days before. I got it for $300, and I'm looking through it. Got him at the airport. Yeah, dropped him off. He had a bra for the front of this thing.

I was like, I don't know why. A bra? Yeah, you know, back in the day. The leather thing, right? On the front of it, yeah. 91 Dodge Shadow. Oh, you mean on the fucking bump? On the front.

Those things, dude. Or such trash. Why did I take that shit out and try to put it on the front of this fucking car? It's like literally 2002, and it's a 91 Dodge Shadow, and I'm trying to put a bra on the front. There's dudes in the dorm on the second floor. They're fucking laughing at me and shit.

I got a half-way done, and I was just like, yeah, I was like, fuck this. I just took it off and put it back in the trunk, man. But they were laughing, and I was just like, why the fuck would I put a bra on a 10-year-old car? That is a bad look. Yeah, those things are bad. Bad look.

Yeah, man. I'm all set to render a verdict on Mr. Allen slash Jones. I hope we're on the same page. I think we're on the same page. Because as far as, unless I was on another podcast and don't realize what's going on, I only heard a couple of things, and they were early. I mean, the Gatorade is one of the only things

that's really sticking out. So I'm saying, he's not garbage. He's not garbage. He's your classy guy. Ah, I want to be garbage. I know, I know. But I mean, like the car thing at the buzzer there, but I mean, you're 21, you're broke.

It is what it is. I want to be garbage. I mean, you got the white landscaper, man. I mean, it's fucking pretty good. This is bad. I probably shouldn't say this. This is bad. Oh, God.

I shot a gun drunk in the city limits before, into the air. Just up in the air? Yeah. Oh, my God. All right. What about that? Is that pretty bad? How long ago was this?

Probably about 15 years ago. Perfect. Actually, longer than that, probably 17. There you go. That's still young, though. I mean, you've got a good head on your shoulders. In my apartment complex. You grew up shopping at Wegmans.

You know the owner of Wegmans. Yeah, you know the owner of Wegmans. Private school. Your mom was the millionth customer. Military service. Ah. You know. What about, OK, any loose toilet seats in your house now?

Like just loose? No. PlayStation, Xbox, anything? Yeah, that's not hooked up, yeah. OK. How do you clean a public toilet seat? Oh, fuck. A bunch of toilet paper.

That's what I did. You laid on the toilet paper. No, I'll just, I'll water it up. Do a good wipe. I'll water it up. And we'll give it a wipe. Yeah. What kind of coffee pot do you guys have in the house now?

Curie. It's this guy's class. I'm trying. I'm trying to give you an answer. The only reason why I bought it is because my parents came to my, when I retired, they wanted coffee, so I bought it for them. Toaster or toaster oven?

Toaster. I fucked up. I have a two-slot toaster. That's shitty. If any young men out here watching never invest in a two-slot toaster, it's a waste of money. Jesus, I was so fucking doomed. Saving time.

I mean, yeah. You're class, man. You're class. That's what it is. I'm calling it up the middle. Up the middle. No, you should be proud, dude. You should be proud.

You're classy. I want to be a piece of shit. Dude, it's like. I'm not saying you're not a piece of shit, all right? But you're a classy piece of shit. What about you and your wife's wedding? What was that? What was the deal?

Nope. Courthouse. OK. Chili's reception. Come on, man. That is unforgivable. All right. Hold on a second.

That's maybe the most insane. My buddy took us to Chili's. That was it. Your buddy took Chili's. It wasn't like a people there. My buddy Joe and his wife Jennifer, we're still friends. He's retired as well. They took us to Chili's for our wedding.

Now, here's the thing. OK, that's a little different. I know. But no, I know it's not. No, I know you want to be garbage. But what would have been trashy about it is if the reception was actually. If you chose Chili's, like, hey, if you were doing.

If it said Chili's on an invitation. What about this? I got married in a Rock-A-Ware long-sleeved T-shirt. Nothing? That's pretty bad. That was of the time, though. If you got married today in Rock-A-Ware. No honeymoon.

I'm still getting shit for that to this day. We went to Korea. It was serving a country. That's true. And I didn't cheat. You guys got a Brit at the house? You know what? We used to, but then they just kind of.

You just do the tap water. So if we came over to your house, because this is a kippy question, we came over to your house and we wanted some water. What would you be giving us? Just out of the thing? From the refrigerator or us? Dude, I still have.

That's class. Close the book. You got side-by-side doors on the fridge? Yeah. Close it. But dude, I still. I'm going to ask you to borrow money. No, my house is so outdated.

It looks like the soprano's inside. This guy's classy. I'm sorry. That's it. Chris Allen, all class. Right there. Side-by-sides killed you. You got side-by-side, you're doing all right.

I mean, what do we do? Come on. What are we? You have a landscape bird. Yeah. Come on. Come on, man. That's too nice.

Damn. And you drive a Prius, that's responsible. He's got a good head on his shoulder. Damn it. Chris, thank you so much for sitting down with us. Dude, thanks for having me. Absolutely fucking fun episode. Anything you want the folks out there

to know you got coming up or what do you want to plug? Oh, just check me out at Chris Allen Comedy on all things, social media. Check out my podcast, Negro Pleased Radio. I do another podcast with my buddy, Winston Hodges, called Host Battle Podcast. That comes out every Monday. And just, yeah, check me out on YouTube.

Follow me on social media and get the album. Get the album, guys. Yes. Off script by Haley and Presents. So check it out. Fantastic. Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you, man.

This has been awesome. Kip, what do you got for him? Guys, at Cameron Comedy on all social media. Check out a live show. We got merch available. We got the beer koozies. And the card game. So I can check it out.

All the links in the description. We love you guys. We'll see you next week. Pooz!