Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Chris Distefano Returns!

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old buddy Chris Distefano! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Ladder Life: https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com/garbage Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Wait a second, wait a second, gang. We got that rugarpage.com to talk about before we get to the episode. It's your one stop shop for everything RU garbage. We got tees, we got lighters. We got anything you need, just tees and lighters, but still. And they're not real Zippos either. Just Zippo S, that's what we're saying.

Also, you get tickets to your live shows, gang. Coming up, we have Louisville, tickets still available. Get those and we have Cleveland and Columbus and we're about to announce the second leg of the tour. Sign up, sign the email list, get involved, baby. We're having a good time. Love yous. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage.

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is RU Garbage. Hey, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find

that they're good to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition, baby. She is in the kitchen, got a fresh pot of gravy on the stove. In honor of our special guest here today, should have when I told her he was coming in, she was drooling up there.

I know, she's slipping out of her seat. Kids got tight little body on them. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and he is not to be trifled with in the board room or the bedroom, ladies. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.

What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes, all video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are cooking, baby. Closing on 150,000 subscribers over there on the YouTube. You check it out. And obviously I'd be remiss if I didn't mention

the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage, baby. Check it out. It's a party over there, gang. Doing a good job over there. How about the second greatest website of all time? RUgarbage.com is going to launch. Forgot about it.

Do yourself a favor. All your tickies, all your merch, whatever you need over there. Plus, we're going to start doing taxes next tax season. What? Through the website. It's like the new H&R block. OK.

And having a nice quick shout out to our producer, ex-sordinator, the Magic Man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScroffins. Toby McMullin on the Toby cam. Hey, what up, dude? What up, T-Bone?

Man, when this guy comes in, he just sets the vibe off. Yeah, he's a good dude. He's chaos, as some would say. I like how you leaned into the A, huh? Very New York. Oh, we got Chrissy D, huh? Yeah. Gang, the long hair ain't lying.

We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this goddamn point. We love him. He's Italian. What are you going to do? Way it goes. He's a good kid, though, and we love him.

Host of Chrissy Chaos, and he's on tour right now. You know him. You love him. And he's going to be at the Radio City Music Hall the end of the summer, not to mention the theater at Madison Square Garden. Following that, give it up for Chrissy Stefano, everybody. Hello, everybody.

Chrissy D. I appreciate it. I almost fucked that up. No, dude. I know, I know. I know, I know. All you think is. Right there.

It was magical, and I appreciate it, because you saw your off saying, you know, Italian, got the sauce on tight little body. I think the fans might have been thinking initially, Matteo Lane. But guess what? Even gay or Chrissy D is here. I love the New Diggs.

It feels good in here. It just, it's success, and I like it. It's one of those things, even Toby. Toby's one of those guys, he looks dirty and clean at the same time. I can never figure it out, but everybody's improved. We got, just congratulations, guys. My favorite part of the studio, the carpet.

Thank you. Shout out to local 2287 out there on the island. Yeah. Coming in for a little side work. Yeah, the boys came in. I will take care of that. I assume you're a side work guy. You like throwing a little work to the boys?

I do. I don't mind. I'm a big tipper. I like throwing work to the boys. That's not what I heard, by the way. I know. I know. We talked about it.

I know. We talked about it on the last episode. There's somebody spreading rumors at Joe DeRosa's bar that I don't tip. And I'm telling you, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to tip, so I'm going to buy the fucking bar in cash. Pay everybody out. Yeah, get everybody out of here.

I'm just going to own the bar. Yeah, here's your severance. Get out of here. So, but yeah, I'm not actually, even though I appear to be, I'm not a handy guy. I was never taught the tools, because dad was in the clink, so I was never taught the tools, but believe it or not, my family, Jasmine, my girl and my mother and my kids,

she can build, she'll build your house. If you really had her come in here, she would have built your house. She would have gotten you on the spin bike. She would have been, she would have put up every. I would have lost a couple of pounds. Yeah, she's going with her hands. And that's just the roles that, listen,

gender roles in today's day and more and more. Are there little flip-flops in your house? More and more guys are just, you know, I'm the creative, fun one and mom just puts her head down and does the work. Goes to work. Yeah. Throw you a cabinet together in two minutes.

Two minutes. While dinner's cooking. Yep. Do you have a handyman around the house or does she do it? Like if you're like, who hangs a picture? Who does that? We got, we got our guys showing the contractor. Shout out to showing the contractor.

I've never seen him. Showing thecontractor.com. He's got a new merch drop too. Yeah. Showing thecontractor.com. Good guy, tall kid, I've never seen him. I've never seen him without, he's still, you know, he doesn't go with the airless, wireless airpods.

He still wears the Bluetooth but connected around his ear with the connection in the back. That he, I don't trust that. Yeah. Like the young guy too? No, 40 years old. Okay, all right, that makes sense. He still wears those but he'll build anything.

He's actually out, he's there right now. He's building, he's building us a little outdoor kitchen in the yard for the summer. Really nice. Very nice. Very nice. The last time I think we talked, you were talking about getting rid of the deep end

in the pool, did you do that? We reconfigured the whole pool. You did. We got, we reconfigured. That had to be expensive. Yes. And it cost me a bunch and I was like. Jimmy the handyman wasn't doing that.

Yeah, I think I overshot, I cost you much, that's why I'm asking you guys off the air, what are you doing for merch? Because I mean. He came in here, I mean, what are you paying us, Blake? What are you going for merch? What are your road deals looking like? What agency you in?

Yeah, I got questions. Because what the pool cost? I got about 40,000 t-shirts. Easy. And it was one of those, here's what I've learned. You ready for this? You ready for what I've learned? I've come in with some knowledge, some life knowledge.

You've been very, you have, while you are a chaotic gentleman, we just did Chrissy Chaos and you are, you do have a very good grasp of your life. I said that at the end of the episode. It's changed from where you were. You always had a good head on your shoulders, obviously, but a little more chaotic. You're a little more disciplined now.

Little bit more focused. Yeah, life hits you on the face. Well, I think what happens is, is you get hit in the face a little bit with life and you start to say, well, how the hell am I going to extend? I can't be getting on a plane going to Omaha at 53 years old. I can't do it. So I've got to make these choices now, but I've realized that.

So I put in a $20,000 grill in my $35,000. That's what it is. Yeah, so I dropped a quick $80,000 on the kid's play set. That'll keep me out of Missouri for a little while. But all those decisions have kind of spent too much money. What happened was, is I got used to, you know, I was like, oh, I need the house. I need the, and then I realized, I don't need, you know,

I had this big house and my daughter, the biggest thing for me was my daughter. You act like you got rid of it. You still have it. I still got it. Oh yeah, I'm still paying big. And so, but my daughter, she was like, you know, when we lived in the apartment in Bay Ridge, we were all close together, we were hanging out.

We would sit on the stoop together with our neighbors, blah, blah, blah. So my daughter had no windows in her bedroom. And that always bothered me. I was like, she's got no windows. I'm doing OK now. I got to get my daughter a window. And then we move her to this, to the house.

Beautiful house. Very nice house. Beautiful. Great neighbors. But now you're on like a little, like we're literally on a hill by ourself. And so you think that that's what you want. And then my daughter, the very first night she was there,

sleeping in the new house, I was like, look at this, baby. Look at all this sunlight coming in. Look at this. And she was like, I don't want a window. I miss my old room. And she's still a year and a half later. It's like, I miss my old room. I hate all these windows.

They scare me. And now it's like, I'm in this house, but it's like got my stepson up there on the video games. Put her in a closet. What are we doing? I know, I'd seal that window up. I know, seriously. Hey, you don't want a window? All right.

Yeah. Bang. Put your room down the basement. I go back to Bay Ridge. Yeah, I fucking put her next to the hot water heater for a couple of nights. Yeah. She'll be loving the windows.

So yeah, so now I got this house and I love it and all that, but I'm like, you know, it's not out of the question. Chrissy D might pull a wild move and sell it in the next two years and go back to Bay Ridge or even come to. I want to be back. You like the tight, the close knit. I like close knit. You're not going to go back to an apartment.

You'll be getting a house or something over there. No, I don't know if I'm a house guy because, you know, everything's always breaking. I don't know how to fix stuff. Really? Yeah, I'm not a, I'm realizing I'm not a house guy. I'm an apartment kid. I like being in an apartment.

Kids ain't going to like that. They're going to think you're tanking. No, I know, right? I swear to God, I'm doing the theater MSG. We don't need to pull. Look, we got the Hudson River. We'll jump in. I got the wrench to the fire plug.

What are we doing? Yeah, I know, I know. But yeah, but you know, I'm basically, I'm creating this narrative now to preemptively say that I'm bleeding money in my business. So I got to sell that fucking house. So you put, you did finish, finish the pool. The pool is finished.

As a matter of fact, shout out my guy, Armando. Armando, the pool guy, he opened up the pool today. Today the pool was open. So yeah, so now. Shit, that's an early opening. It's an early, yeah, we went early opening. We got to fucking. You need the business.

Well that, we need the business and, you know, and again, I sprung for the heaters. So the gas belt's coming up. So you're telling me you could go home tonight and hop in the pool and I did. We got a heated one. Yeah, we got a heated pool. No jacuzzi though, right?

No jacuzzi. We figured we can heat it up. We can heat this sucker up all the way to 98 degrees. Really? Yeah, so. Are you Nicholas Gay? Yeah. So, so, you know.

So you could go home tonight and take a nice little soak. I can, but see, here's the issues though. Now when now the pool's opening, right? So you think, oh, it's beautiful, it's great. But now what's my first thought? Now we got to put a fence in because I, my, when I got this pool last year, my kid wasn't walking the baby.

Now the baby runs all over. She's almost two. So you got to put a fence in, because you already have a fence. Right, but now we've got to put a second fence. You have to, because you can't take a risk. Sure. And then it's like, you know, we could have,

I didn't need the pool. I had a friend when I was first buying, looking at the house. I love this. I had a friend and he goes, I'm telling you, he's had a homeowner for 20 years. He goes, you don't, I kept looking for a house for the pool. He goes, just get a house for the backyard.

You don't need a pool. He's like, now they really want a pool. It's great. We want our own pool. He was like, I'm telling you, if you want a pool, live with your house a little bit. Live in it for a few years. And then if you really want the pool, when the kids get older, put a pool in.

And I should have listened to him, because now all I do now, from now until we close it, I will just constantly worry when I'm not there, is one of my kids in the pool. And so I've created, so sometimes like you create these issues that you don't need to create, when, you know, keep it simple, stupid, is like a good method just to live life in any single way. If you just, and I'm learning that, not the hard way,

because not saying it's hard, but I am feeling like, you are creating problems for yourself. I didn't need these things, I thought I needed. You're going to wind up with a cousin out there on permanent lifeguard duty. Yeah, seriously, I already have. I'll get the chair and everything. That'd be all right.

Yeah, I know, well, because it's one of those things where. I'll take a couple of shifts, if you're throwing some cash. If I can see Chris in a two piece. I don't mind if I do. He's out there trying to seduce me. Let me give him mouth to mouth. My dad, he's at the house. He's staying for a month.

I just saw you took him to the fucking Knicks game. Do a high off game. And it looked like floor seating. No, well, it was. Here's the thing, here's the thing. I got a couple of questions about the whole jealous, by the way, although I'm not a Knicks fan. You smid A-rod, didn't you?

So I did it. So what happened was, is I walked in with my pops. I always go in through. There's a guy, a shout out big Dan, always gets me the tickets, works for the team, great guy. You know, he puts me, you get the, you get the four. You got to pay for the tickets or you got to grease him. You got to grease him, though.

I try to grease him, they don't take. They don't take. MSG doesn't take any grease. They make it very clear. They should be rolling out the red carpet before you got the theater coming on. I know. True.

But then, so here's what happened. I'm going to sell half this joint out next month. Yeah. We're going to be flyer in this room for me. Yeah. So I'm getting Chrissy D tickets. So normally we go in to the R entrance, and you know, it's the, you get in, you go up to the owner's suite,

then they bring you down. It's either courtside or very close. Wait, you're telling me you got the hook up like that? You know? I got the hook up. You are a new, like. Crazy. You zoom out from where you, where is it?

A New York. You saw a playoff game for free? Free, baby. Walked in the owner's suite. Whoa. Walked in the owner's suite. But you as a 12-year-old New York kid, you are living the dream of most New Yorkers.

Crazy. Yeah. That's crazy. I've always wanted like that, and that's why I brought my dad, because I'm like, I get these, my dad and I, you know, the first basketball game I ever went to was in 1994, we saw Shaquille O'Neal. We sat in it on the magic.

We saw it, and we sat up in the rafters, and it was great. But now it's like we've moved down little by little. I always take my pops. That's amazing. It's interesting. We go, first of all, we're in the elevator with Chris Rock, right? We were getting in this private elevator.

Do you know Mr. Rock? I said hello to him, but he just looked at me. And then, you know, and then so, you know, my dad's in there, and my dad, you know, just quietly, because again, he knows comedy, but he's getting older. He goes, is that Chapelle? I was like, I was like, no, it's Chris Rock, and he was like, oh, okay.

So like his old stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So, so I get off, you get off the elevator. If you get off the elevator on like the fourth floor, that's where the owner's suite is, and that's where they got free food, free drinks, and it's great. All the celebrities, all that are up there.

And so you go and usually you eat your food, get your drinks, and then somebody from the MSG staff will take you down to your seats like they escort you. Kids got the life. So I, so I'm thinking that's what I got, right? I mean, like, do I got, buh-buh-buh, I'm walking. I walk up the elevator with Chris Rock. Like, I'm like, I'm supposed to be where he is.

We walk into the owner's suite, and then Mr. Rock, and he was, uh, I go up, I'm like, hey, how are you? And then, you know, they know my name, because I've been there so much, they go, hey, the guy goes, uh, he goes, you're not in the suite. And I was like, put the slider back. And I was like, yeah, yeah, oh, no, it's funny you say that. Give me 12 bucks for that coke. My dad, because it's all free food.

My dad had like a fucking prime rib on one plate, and he had, he had a full plate of asparagus on the other. You got that far in there? He was already in line? Yeah, because we, we walked in. Well, they, you know, they said, listen, nobody has to put anything back, but they were like, but get the fuck out of here. They're like, you're in the other suite.

So they take us down to the Delta suite, which is great, but you got to pay for the food, you got to pay for the drinks. And I get it. Listen, I get, I get it. Listen, listen, Delta's got it. It's it. You know, you have everybody's asking your dad where he got the prime rib. Yeah.

So, I mean, you know, you go in there, you got, you know, listen, I get in the big owner's suite. It's the playoffs. You have Ben Stiller, you have Dwayne Wade in there. You have a rod. You have Michael J. Fox. You don't belong in there. Yeah, they were, they were in there all hanging out.

I'm sure they were. It's the big, that's the big. Those are the courtside. Gary Vee, Jack Harlow, they're all in. Nice. So I got not, not asked to leave, but I, Gary Vee's got it like that. Gary Vee's got it like that.

That, that. And then, and then they, so they take me out and we go to the Delta club, which again is fun. We get to our seats. All of a sudden we're sitting down. I get, somebody gives me a noogie, which I haven't got. I thought it was one of my uncles back from the dead. It turns out to be Stavros.

Stavros and Sam Morrill sitting, we were seat 16, 17. They were 18, 19. Oh, yeah, that's sweet. Yeah, we posted a pic and we had, I got to be honest with you, the most- Yeah, we saw them. I thought you guys were all together. The most fun I've had at a sporting event. The most fun I had at a sporting event was, was that night,

watching that game. And we just had so much fun. Again, sometimes going back to, you know, the kind of same analogy with the big house and you think you want all the fancy stuff, sitting in the fancy courtside seats, don't get me wrong. If you're listening to big, I want to go. I love to, I love it down there.

Hold the brother up. But to sit with the crowd, with the actual Knicks fans. With your boys. With your boys, with your father, no celebrities, no big business owners, just actual fans that paid. That energy in there was amazing. I was like, this is, I want, I like this. How far back were you?

It's also nice to get some love from the peeps. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, Chrissy Deeson. Just had my ego bruised upstairs, the American Airlines. I know, I got hit. And then, and then when I get in there, you know, started getting the props and all that.

And then people started noticing Starboss and Sam, I said, but let's keep it right here. Over here. You're looking up at the owner's box, like. Yeah, the only thing that made me feel better is we were sitting in section 108. And granted, he was closer, but still not court sitting on the owner's suite.

I saw Andrew Schultz. I said, if Andrew Schultz isn't getting in the owner's suite, then I ain't getting in and I feel better. I said, if Schultz is in the Delta Club, that's where I gotta be. I'm 100%. Schultz didn't kick you out too? No, Schultz didn't.

Schultz is eating a prime rib sandwich. No, Schultz he knew. Schultz, yeah, the Schultz he didn't know. He know, Schultz he know, Schultz he would never be in that situation. I was in Schultz, he knows exactly. He reads the room a little. You're like a, yeah.

You're like a big dumb idiot. I'm a big dumb idiot, I walked like an asshole, Schultz he did the right move, yes, he wasn't in the owner's suite, but he did descend from the rafters, right into his seat, like Rihanna. He came right down and it was, so he knows and so Schultz is a smart kid. So I walked in, not a trap, because again, it's all, you know, it was amazing. I really appreciate MSG people giving me those, I just, I was happy to be in the building. Yeah, it's amazing. But it was funny to just think I could follow Chris,

well, I'm like, I'm assuming I'm in Chris Rocks room and like, no, you're not. Yeah. Yeah. You're down there with the openers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my dad doesn't know my dad. And then, you know what, it's awesome. We send down, he's got the prime ribbon, all that, takes a few bites, feels bad, so he puts it back.

And then, guess what, we went to the Delta Club. Cheeseburgers, we had cheeseburgers, he loved them. And he was like, that was the best one, the best cheeseburgers I ever had. There you go. Is your dad on the sauce? At all? Is he drinking at all? No, he's never had a drink.

My dad's sober, sober. My dad's been sober from, not even sober, he just doesn't drink. He's never drank. What's the setup over at the house when he stays? He got his own kind of like room a little bit. They got the guest room. Yeah. He's got the guest.

Is he on a first floor, is there a first floor guest room, he's upstairs, he's getting older, right? Well, yeah, it's a first floor guest room and he's been telling me for the last few months, because you know, I did the intermittent fasting. He did the intermittent fasting, he's lost 40 pounds, he weighs 211. He said he hasn't been, he goes, I haven't been 211 since I've been intimate with your mother. They got divorced in 86. Intimate, like a gentleman. 1986, they got divorced, so he hasn't been 211 since then.

And he goes, he's always telling me for the last few weeks, when I get you to see how I move, I go, because he couldn't go up and down stairs, he'd fall, couldn't go up anything. And then we get, he gets there, immediately comes into the house, he goes, let me show you, you can go down the basement, falls down the stairs to the basement, just right off the bat. Bang! He was just looking for a lawsuit. Chrissy, you're all paid up, right? That fucking jumps down the stairs.

He goes, who doesn't put carpet on the steps? How is he as far as a house guest? Are any issues, the toilet seat up, this, that, towels around? What he does is go around in his undies or something. No, you know what, no undies, but he comes in, he'll come out, no shirt, and sit at the table for breakfast, no problem. Just no shirt on, fully no shirt with his chains on, he doesn't care. No, no, he's clean, sometimes he misses his piece on the floor a little bit, but he's getting older. I'll do that.

Hey, it happens, we clean it right up, no problem, that's why we got the Swift for Jett. There you go, and he's got carp lunch, right? You come down in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, he's in there having a sandwich, whatever you want. Whatever you want. He's in a minute and face, he ain't gonna be eating in the middle. True. Yeah, he ate the kids, the kids got those Go-Gurts, he ate the last Go-Gurt yesterday, they didn't have any for lunch, and he is no apology.

He's like, well, I needed the Go-Gurt, I got diabetes, I need the sugar rush. Ah, that's all right. Kim, let's talk about ladder. Ladder, ladder, ladder. Now you don't know when you're gonna kick the bucket, do you? Nah. Unless you got something planned for me. No, I have no idea.

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Get some term life insurance. Yeah. Kim, let's talk about aura frames. Aura, aura, aura. Love that aura frames, baby. Yeah, best in the biz, gang. Do you take about a million photos? Don't let them sit on your phone or get lost in your files.

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And we were walking. It was pouring rain, pouring rain the other day. Walking from the next game, we're walking three blocks, three, four blocks from the garden to the parking. Because again, I got the fucking parking, but I'm not the good one. Not the one across the street. We got six blocks down.

But hey, at least we got the parking, and we're walking. That's on the arm, too? That's on the arm. They play it all the fuck around. And then I got the same hookup with the Yankees and the Mets, too, if you guys ever want to get into that. I got Yankees. My all like going to baseball.

Yeah, I want the fucking hookup. Yankees, Mets, Yankees, Mets, Yankees, Mets, Rangers, I can do. I used to be Islanders, but my guy left. When I was in the Barclays, I had the nice hook. I have no hook on Jets and Giants. That's the only hook I don't have. I also got a hook at the US Open. You guys want to do tennis, I'll get you in the back door.

I worked there. I worked at the US Open for years. So we got the hookup. We got my guy, shout out Big Ro. He opens up the back gate by Peacourt 7. You walk right in like nobody's business. You haven't said one normal name yet to want your hookups. Shout out to Jimmy with the eye.

And none of this sounds legit at all. It's like at any moment you could be, excuse me, sir, are you supposed to be sitting here? That's all real. So me and... Sir, can I see your tickets? I'm with Chrissy. Yeah.

So me and... Are you theoretically rolling the dice? Could the hammer come down on you? It just got bounced out of the owner's suite. That for the MSG? No. That goes up and up. I could get...

The hammer could come down at the US Open. We could get a federal investigation there. That could happen to anybody over there. They're real highfalutiners. Those are federal charges either. That ain't New York State. The US Open, I swear to God, I'm literally telling you, I'm sending you a GPS coordinate on a map

and you're walking into Flushing Meadows Park through an unlocked gate. That's what we're doing for that. But we know the guy's there. You grease them. You can... I can get you in to a... I can get you into a $500, $800 match

if you just grease security guard 50 bones. Sure. That I can, again, pinpoint accuracy. We used to do that when we were kids. We would grease... There was a guy in the neighborhood that worked security at MSG. And what he would do is we would...

We got into multiple Stanley Cup games. We got into a couple of Knicks Playoff games. What you would do is he said where he was working. He worked at whatever section and this and that. You would get through... Because you can walk into MSG. You only start scanning... There used to be a time where they would only start scanning tickets

when you got to your actual section. You would scan and walk in. Now, you got to go through metal detectors. They got a... There's another line of security. But back then, he worked there and all he would do is say... He would say, listen, just fucking print anything out. Print any...

All you got to do is take your piece of paper and he had a button. It was like not as computerized back then. Sure. He would have a button in his... Like a thing that would play back what the sound. Yeah, the sound. And so, we would just do that, have him scan.

So, his bosses, if they were there, could just see. But half the time, his boss wasn't even there. He would just go like that. He would just walk in. We sold and then we had no seats. We would just walk around the stadium all day. And then we knew the concession guy. One of the concession guys also lived in the neighborhood.

He would give us at a certain time, not right away, but at a certain time... You know, here's some hot dogs, here's some popcorn. Here's some soda. You know, we just take the caps off because you don't want to throw the caps. So, we would just walk around. You know, get everything for free. But that was another time.

We don't get that anymore. But now, I get them free through the Kinect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a crazy day. Well, the Mets Kinect is... I fucking friends with the owner's son. I'm friends with the owner's son. Your friends are the owner.

Yeah, introduce us to him. He's a great guy. He introduced us to him. Yeah, that is premier. Shout out, Josh. Shout out to Cohen family. One of the... I don't know...

I was like, this is Josh Cohen. He owns the Mets. I was like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah. No, it's Josh. Shout out, Josh. Come on, shout out. Steve Cohen, really, the Cohen family is I've never met people like that or so kind like that,

that, you know, they do so well. But, you know, you get that... He's got a little bit of cash. You get cash. Stevie's got some cash. I know. I'm fucking trying to do an investment column on my Patreon. I should just ask Steve Cohen what the fuck to do.

I know. Yeah, what do you do? Yeah. You're like, take your first billion. You're like, wait, what? Excuse me. You buy a third basement. Great people, the Cohen family.

I know, I fucking... I can't get anybody from my daughter's birthday to get Pete Alonzo out there to fucking tattoo and fucking piñata. Oh, you wait. Hold on. When's the birthday coming up? Her birthday... My daughter's birthday party is in two, three weeks.

Well, we got a taco truck. It's Barbie themed. We got a Barbie cake. Is that the house? It's at the house. Shout out, Mark's Bakeshop on Staten Island. They're doing... You pay for anything?

Yeah. You are such a guido, dude. Mark's Bakeshop on Staten Island. Pueblo taco trucks. They're doing it for us. And all their affiliates. And all their affiliates. And all subsidiaries.

Best fish tacos you've ever seen in your goddamn life. That taco truck. Pueblos. Pueblos. And Mark's Bakeshop. Unbelievable. It makes great German chocolate cake. It makes you rethink the Nazis.

Is that what you're having? Don't look at me with that courtesy. Don't fucking roll me in. Is that what you're having for the cake? A German chocolate cake? No, because that's classy. Well, here's the thing. Very underrated to German chocolate cake.

Let me say that. Coconut and chocolate... Delicious. German chocolate cake. Shout out, Rudy's Bakery. In Ridgewood, they make an unbelievable German chocolate cake. I know, Rudy's. Hometown Cookin'.

Yeah. Um, they, uh... This has been a 40-minute plug so far. We're all just... Yeah. Taking down to Chris's Aldo. Yeah, I also want to shout out Joe and John's Pizzerias,

some of the best pizzas in Ridgewood. So... How many people you got coming to the party? How many kids? How many adults? So here's the issue. Jazz and I spoke about it. You know, so we want to keep it small.

Just to friends. This ain't going to be small. Just to friends. You got a taco truck going. I know. Best fish tacos you've ever had in your life. You guys are invited now. Thank you.

Friends, family. Had me working there. Small. She said... I'm in the dunk tank. She said she wants to keep it 15, 20. She wants to invite the class. We're at 60.

You're at 60 kids? 60 people, but we got the pool open. That's why Armando opened. We got the pool open. Gotcha. We got a... We're hoping for a nice day. If not, we move the party into the sunroom.

We have a good time. The thing is what my... How many kids? How many kids? Her class. So her class and then... So she's got about eight... She's got about 18 in her class.

And her parents invited, too? Parents... Yeah, you got to have a chaperone. So the parents are invited. And then the kids in Jasmine's family, which is probably another 18. Okay. So...

Hachi machi. You know what? I don't know what you want to do. Throwing down a couple of bucks, hiring a lifeguard for that might not be a bad idea. No, we did. No, yeah, yeah, no. We did that last year.

Yeah, we had the same party last year. It did. But it's funny. I was telling... Because it was pouring rain, right? Me and my dad, we walked these four or five blocks. And it's... We're soaking wet.

Pouring rain. We're having a good time. We're talking about the game, we're laughing, my dad's like, I think I'm getting a fever. And I swear, he was asking me for time. He was like, you got any Tylenol, cold and sinus or anything on my temperatures going up? I was like, we're literally getting

belted with freezing rain. And he was like, I know, it's not good. I think this is the one. Yeah. And so we're... I mean, soaked. Like we jumped in the pool. We get...

We're... Again, walk these four or five blocks. We're one foot outside of the parking garage where we're going to be underground and get out of the rain. My dad goes, look at this. Holds up his right hand. He was holding an umbrella the whole time. Forgot.

He had a fucking full umbrella the whole time. He was like, I forgot. I was having so much fun talking. And I was like, well, now we're both gonna... You're both gonna get pneumonia. Yeah, that's true. I know. I like it.

Damn. Uh, also... Oh my God, by the way, Fiji Ward, I know you guys are talking about this is class. Of course. Right? This is... Yeah.

Yeah. That's how we do it. We had to level up. We did. We got the new studio. No more Dan and... No way. We were like a...

Just tap water. We were like some Puerto Rican company, weren't we? Yeah. It was like L-Agua or something. Fiji was class. It was the life one. It was called like something life. Pure life.

Yeah. Which blew up during the pandemic. That's all you get your hands on. Yeah. But Fiji is, you know, you know what's going on. It's like a little bit cash now. Dash, yeah. It's a write-off too.

This is a little bit of a reverse, but what is the follow-up on the communion situation? Do we want to talk about that? So let's do the communion. I need an update. So the listener out there, we did Chrissy Chaos. That's gonna be coming out. That's already out.

I think it's out already. Oh, it is? All right, so there you go. There you go. So everybody knows the deal. So everybody knows the deal. So what happened was. This guy didn't want his kid to get communion.

I didn't want to get communion. Fucking straight to hell, Thor. Yeah. I saw one documentary I'm thinking. I can, you know, subscribe. And then I'm talking to the other parents, and they're like, yeah, none of us go to church. It's about tradition.

You live on Staten Island. You have to, if you don't do communion, you're going to get. It might as well be Jewish. You're going to get investigated by the fucking MYPD over here. They're like, what? He's not doing communion. What? Next thing you know, there's no Christmas lights.

Yeah. You're in trouble. So the boys here, they convinced me, the garbage boys convinced me, they're like, you got to do communion. So I said, I got to find the path. So I called the priest. I called him right then and there. And we really said it just for inclusion purposes.

Yes. Whatever anybody's beliefs are, you know, whatever they are. But if everybody in the class is having a communion party. First of all, she goes to Catholic school. That's the issue. I was talking to some. I thought she was going to be hearing some weird, you know, private schools.

Yeah. She's in a Quaker school. No. Yeah. But then you're like, yeah, she's in Catholic schools. Is she going to be sitting on a fucking bench where everybody's partying? The other kids are going to be coming in with stacks of cash

one day morning. She's going to have nothing. Nothing. And that's the thing is I was like, you know, yeah, some of my peers that I talked to, like, oh, we don't do Catholic stuff anymore. It's something that I could be impressionable. I'm like, oh, yeah, me either.

But then it's like, I'm sitting on my kid to a Catholic school. So it's like, you got to do the tradition. So I call the priest and he goes. I said, grease him. What did, first of all, when we left, what did you say to Jazz? So I said to Jazz, because, again, did you mention my name? Because I'm afraid. We asked you not to.

I am genuinely afraid of her. Petrified. I seen her on the spin bike. She can move. Yeah. I didn't mention anything. I said, listen, I said, hey, how you doing? She went, uh-huh.

Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Kept it informal at first. I said, listen, can I, you got a minute? And she was like, uh-oh. And I was like, I was like, no, it's all good. Worst thing you can say to your girl. I was stupid.

I go, I said, you got a minute. I said, I said, listen. I said, I rethought this. I said, I really think we should have our daughter do communion. I think she's going to feel left out. Whether our beliefs, our beliefs on this are irrelevant. It's tradition. I don't want her to feel left out.

And then she was like, all right. She was like, we can. She was like, I'm not going to, this is all on you. I'm not getting involved. I'm not, I'm not going to. You got to handle it. I'm not going to scramble and do, you have to do it now. You have to get the dress.

You have to do everything. You, you have to do it. So I was like, fine. So, you know, right. Can you handle that, getting the communion dress? Well, the issue is, the issue is, is not the issue. But when we got to that point, I said, She got a Yankee jersey on.

Yeah, a couple, a couple hours later, I texted her three dresses I found on Amazon. And she calls me. She goes, I'll handle the dress. She was like, you're not, we're not getting our daughter's communion dress on Amazon. My first thought was Amazon, if I'm being honest with you. What else?

I just literally put in the search bar, communion dress, seven-year-old. Tomorrow. Why? Immediately. I found what fucking great one for $29.99. We got to save cash. She's only going to wear it one day.

I was like, what did you want? You wanted to resize the pool. I can't get a dress now. So, so she, so, so anyway, so she gives me the OK. So I had a great neighbor because now we got to think about communion parties, right? That's what I'm thinking of. That our great neighbors like, listen,

instead of doing all that, why don't you just combine it with my daughter, classmate of hers. Great. We'll do it together. And of course, I'll throw him some cash for that. Sure. We'll do it. We'll do it together.

This way we'll honor the girls together. It's not like it's all, it's all of them. Yeah, yeah. So great. Jazz is cool with that, too. Cool with that. Is that it next door or your place? That's his, he's doing it.

That's his place. He's doing it his place. So he's like, you know, we'll take care of it. Yeah. I feel communion does that a lot. I think I had mine with like friends or my cousins or something. It's fine. It's not a birthday.

Taco Truck, what are you going to do? No, I won't, he owns a restaurant. So we're going to do it in his restaurant. Shout out Don Cheech restaurant. Wait, you're doing it. Don Cheech on Bay Street in Staten Island, one of the best restaurants. Let me tell you something.

Don Cheech on Staten Island Bay Street, new restaurant open last year, the best salmon you can find on the island. Don Cheech, Staten Island, go check it out. I love it. Yeah. So you're going to do it at the restaurant. Jesus Christ. You're like the small business bureau, is that an island? We're going to do it at the restaurant.

Yeah. Oh, that's fucking. That's classic planters. The only thing that, the only thing that we're, you know, I'm going to take a couple of lumps for it, but my mom is forgiving is because it's at his place. He already had his family. He's got, there's not enough rooms at the table.

So we can only bring mom, grandpa, and grandma. That's, we can't do the extended invite to the aunt. Son calls everybody. What we can possibly do is in the next weekend, do a separate communion party just for the family. That's what we're thinking of doing. Do that at the house. We could do that at the house, but we can't,

the actual communion, they come to church, we don't have enough seats, you know. In the church. In the church, they could come. I'm saying the party, I can't do a big blowout. I can't invite 40 members of my family. That's the only issue, but my family said they're okay with that. They understand the main thing my mom is like that she's getting the communion.

My mom's like, I just, I need Jesus. Your mom had a beat. Is it? I need her to eat Jesus' body. So it's mostly going to be the other girl's family and shit like that. Yes, but again. And the other kids at her school won't be there. Won't be there.

No, they'll be at their own communion parties. So it's fine. It's no problem. And then I call the priest. That's the big, the last thing. The school I call them, they say, listen, you know, you got it. There's a couple of documents you got to get us.

Got it. One, two, three. You know, she has you been going to church. You know, you say, yeah, but of course she has, why the hell not? They said I had to go to Sunday Mass last Sunday, which I did. Got it stamped by the priest. I got to stamp. And then, and then I got to go this Sunday.

Get this receipt. Get one more stamp. And I got, yeah, I'm good. So we're good on that. But then, you know, it comes down to, well, you know, there was some things missed. And then so I say, I call the priest, great guy. And I said, what's up, father?

I said, you know, here's my situation. I rethought about having my daughter get communion. You know, I had some things going on, but I want to go ahead and do it. And he goes, he goes, I don't know. It's a little late. And I was like, tell me what the path is. You know what that means. I know.

So he goes, tell me what the path is. How heavy does this envelope got to be? To get to that. We didn't tell you this, did we? He goes, he goes, he goes, well, she has, has she made her penance? I said, no. He goes, he was like, all right.

He's like, I might be able to get a, you know, private penance on that. You're going to calculate her going. Cha-ching. Yeah. He goes, I got a whale over here. He goes, she's in Catholic school though, right? I said, yeah, she goes to the school.

You know, he goes, okay. He goes, he goes, man. He goes, there is a path. There is a path. There's 500 paths. And then he goes, and then I just jump in. I say, what if I donated $500 to the church? He goes, I like that.

Yeah. He goes, he goes, we can do that. And then I said, and then I swear, you guys think I'm lying. But I said, I said, I'm also, you know, I do stand up comedy. I said, I have a big show in New York. Philip, you know, I know you're in the New York area.

I said, I got a radio city. I'm doing radio city. Have you ever went to the radio city? He goes, oh, of course, radio city. Sure, sure. I go, I got a show there. September 23rd, it's sold out. But I can get you September 22nd.

I said, but it's sold out. I can get you two tickets. He goes, yeah, I'll take four tickets. That's what he said. He goes, he goes, yeah, four tickets. I said, so I dropped that envelope. It's parking included on ease. What are we talking?

I dropped a five Hondo and an envelope to him on Sunday. Tickets, I told him, you know, he's got an assistant. They'll be emailed a week before. And she's in line, baby. She's in line for that communion. We got the dress came, the shoes, and we did it. It's a Staten Island miracle right there. Money talks, baby.

Money talks in a couple of bits of the radio city. That's it, baby. And you're saving a couple of bucks on a party, too. On the party. I mean, I'm spending it on the taco truck for the birthday party the week before. I mean, Mae's going to hit me big. So that's why.

So her birthday's the week before. Her birthday's the week before. So that's perfect. I got better. Because I don't want to get in your head. I was full disclosure. I was a little concerned with that joint party. That's going to be real heavy on the other kid.

You don't want her to feel left out. But if you blow it out the week before at the house. Also. She's not going to have any problems. These are Italians, I believe. They're going to bring her in. She's going to make her the star as well. No, no.

They're Dominicans. Oh. Dominicans. And I got my Italian and Puerto Rican side. But the Dominicans and Puerto Ricans, although known historically to have beef, not in this circle, the Dominicans and Puerto Ricans are allies.

They're allies. Yeah. Yeah, don't bring her in. Oh, look how pretty. Yeah, as my father says, same thing, different bus stop. Oh, jeez. That's Tampa Tony. That's Tampa Tony.

I mean, I ain't never been on a show. Man, never been on a show. No, no, don't talk like that. Just kidding. I'm just kidding around. Oh, wow. Tampa Tony and Tootie. Tootie should date.

Tampa Tony and Tootie would be, I mean, that'd be the new Jay-Z Beyonce right there. Talk about a match made in heaven. Oh my god. Oh my god. That kid would be born with a cigarette and a limp. I can't believe we never thought of that. But yeah, so we got it good.

We should catfish your dad with Tootie, but you should have fucking loved it. Tampa Tony. I don't know if we'd like the end result of that, but. But yeah, so it's all working out. But I got a big May. That's why we got Buffalo sold out. We got Albany sold out.

We got some tickets left on the table in Ithaca, and this is why I need you to come. I need you to come in Ithaca, which is, I believe it's, this Saturday is Ithaca. Friday's Buffalo, Sunday's Albany, Saturday's Ithaca, this week. We got May. We got the communion.

We got the daughter's birthday. Then we got my mother's birthday. It's my mom. You got to also blow that out. Got a nice family. You know, nice dinner. How do you say this? So you got Mother's Day coming up on a 14th.

Mother's Day. Mother's birthday. This is back to back. You get hit. It's what it is. What are you doing with that? Then I got the baby's birthday, the little one's birthday. Then I got my stepson's birthday.

So we're going to get it all May. May into June. We get hit, banged. We get banged up. The only thing, the only time I get a little something back is Father's Day. I get a little something back. But I probably wanted to pay for that in some fucking weird way

because I pay the credit card bills. Yeah, of course you are. What are you talking about? I mean, I don't think your daughter's breaking open her fucking piggy bank. Yeah, well, it's never too late to invest. Warren Buffett bought his first stock at 11. So she's got to pipe it up.

That's what, dude. That's a stretch right there. Damn. How many shows are you doing in Ithaca? Not enough. I throw a couple on there. Well, that's the thing. You know, Buffalo, we got two.

I smarted up Ithaca, I did one. And then Albany, we sold out two months ago. I didn't add one. So now I'm sitting on fucking money in Albany, which now I didn't realize I needed it. But after the check came in for the resizing of the pool, the outdoor grill, and the losses we took from on the communion. Oh man, you got the plate spinning over there in Scotton Island.

We should have added a second show. And then I've told, if any of the fans from the Chrissy Chaos podcast and Hey Bay podcast know, I told you I've been open about it. I'm taking the summer off. Well, that's changing. I'll be at work Monday morning. Yeah, I'm at in dates.

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by going to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Dude. What are you doing for the Mother's Day and your mom's day? Just that's a nice dinner. So what it is is so, you know, one time,

a couple of years ago, I tried to get away with a combo Mother's Day birthday party. Didn't work. It doesn't work. So we won't do that again. But so now what we'll do, what we're going to do, because now I got, because now I got, this is a situation where I got, you know,

Jasmine, the mother of my kids, my own mother, and my stepmother, and Jasmine's mother, all. Wait, your dad's remarried? My dad's remarried. Yeah. My parents got divorced when I was about three years old. So we got, stepmom's in for a month with dad. Oh, they're both in together.

Yeah, they're both in together. Jazz's mom, my mom, and Jazz. So I got to come, I got to do something nice for the mom. I got four moms. Last year, what I did actually turned out to be a nice hit. Jesus Christ, dude. You are a different level of New York drag. You should just see if the Knicks are playing that night.

That's what you got to do. Score a couple of ticks. Yeah. Bring her to the game. Last year, we did what we actually did. We did actually a Mother's Brunch that we did at the house. You're the only dude I know with four moms. Yeah.

We did a Mother's Day Brunch at the house. We did nice spread, shout out Violet Seller on Highland Boulevard. Great, they said nice spread. It's actually a great, great, great little thing they got over there. Violet Seller, we did a Mother's Day Brunch. We had it catered in the house. Smart.

We set it up. We had a gazebo. Jazz dressed up the gazebo nice. Got a gazebo? Yeah, we put a nice gazebo. We made it a nice kind of wine and dine dinner. My mom was late. She sat in two hours of traffic.

She was up at her boyfriend at the Times House all the way up there in bed for New York. So she was a little late, but we kept the food nice and warm for her. And we had a great little Mother's Day Brunch that was affordable. So this year, I got to think of what we're going to do here for Mother's Day. The good news is this year, I got Tampa Tony with me, the secret weapon.

He usually comes and thinks of something nice. They got along, the mom, and Tampa Tony now? Tampa Tony had to sit down with everybody. Everybody's cool. Yeah, well, at first, there used to be fireworks a little bit. Then when my oldest daughter was born, when that baby came, he had to sit down with the whole family. He said, we got to let bygones be bygones.

We can't let the baby feel any of this. So now everything's all good. Gentlemen. Gentlemen. I like it. Sweetheart. Sounds like your backyard's creeping into an event space. A little bit of an event space.

You start going weddings there. Dude, I know. I'll tell you, it's another revenue stream that I might need. Diversification. Diversification. You're up there, man. Are you? Yeah, yeah.

There's a keeps in year when you come home. Yeah. I'm going to try to get a picture of my dad with my mom and stepmom on his lap. I'm going to put a thumbs up. What would you say you're all in for on the birthday party? Rough figure. Four grand.

That's it? On the birthday, the taco truck is three. Whoa. I told you, best fish tacos. It's not a cash truck when you get there, right? Not everybody's paying. No, no, no. It's all inclusive.

No, you come to my house and nobody pays. I mean, I got, you know. Sure. When they put it in the driveway, you're going to bring it in the backyard. No, they put it in the driveway. OK. Yeah, or right in front of the house.

I don't know. Yeah, let me make sure. I think I'm saying it right. It's Pueblo's taco truck. Gotta go three blocks. Can you throw a quick Google? I don't want to fucking. Nah, you're good.

Go to Pueblo's taco truck. I want to make it, or a lot of Puebla. I want to make sure. Because Mark's bake shop, I know off the back of my hand. The kid's future is riding on this. New York. New York. Taste of Pueblo, taco chalula.

Taste of Pueblo. That's what it is. Taste of Pueblo taco trucks. Is that the taco truck, right? Yeah, it looks like a taco truck. Taste of Pueblo. That's what it is. Taste of Pueblo on Instagram.

Great. Actually hooked up through Alex Cohen, Mrs. Nets. Really? Hooked this up. Taste of Pueblo. This is if it's good enough for the Cohen, it's good enough for me. Holy shit.

So taste of Pueblo taco truck, they'll be coming in. So we got, we got, we're in the, we're in the, for three grand for that. With the original, let me be on it. Let me put a little, because the way this started, you were talking about a celebrity drop-in for this thing. I can't make it. You think I need a celebrity drop-in?

No, you are. That's what you would kind of mentioned. Really? You started talking about the birthday party. A celebrity drop-in. You started to get somebody to come by. Oh, that I was going to get somebody to come by. Who, the Easter Bunny?

No, I don't know. You said that in the very beginning. Oh, I didn't pick up. When you started telling the story. Did I? I thought you did. I didn't pick up. I didn't remember saying that. Get Chaz to come shake a couple of hands. Cut that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get Chaz to come by, do a couple of lines from Bronx Tale for the kids. Oh my God. Yeah. Have, I'll, he'll put them all in the bathroom. Dude. That would be fucking awesome.

Yeah. So, so I got, so we're in, we're in for three on that. Okay. Taste of Pueblo taco truck. You know, we need booze. We got adults there. Sure. Let's say we're in for another five there.

Okay. We got it. We hire, shout out, shout out my girl, Sandra the cleaning lady. We'll have Sandra the cleaning lady come in. She does 250 for parties, but she does a full cleanup. So we're at 3750. Okay. We got, we got the lifeguard, which we'll have,

I told her I'll give her two hunch. I told her and I'll give her two hunch for three hours. No problem. Easy. Then we got Lickety Split ice cream. Shout out there coming in. I got them coming by. You are a walking billboard. I mean, the ice cream truck, you can't have a,

you know, you need ice cream truck. What are you gonna do? You gotta, you gotta. You got ice cream truck. They're going to probably hit us for, I would imagine, a hundred, a hundred for an hour, maybe 200 for the hour. We got the kids get, let them ice cream. Sure.

We got Mark's bake shop, who gives me a deal, but we still got to, you know, I mean, let's, let's be, I mean, it's a Barbie, it's a custom made Barbie cake for my beautiful little girl. We're going to do, that's going to be about five. Yeah. It's really about five. Five hundred and three shout outs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the rest of the food? And two plugs on Rogan. So we got, so we got the taco truck, but that, that's a good point you bring up because now we got apps. You gotta have apps. We got to have apps.

You can't be feeding little kids fish tacos. No, what are you, nuts? No, you are crazy. So the good thing about taste, the good thing about taste of Pueblo, which I think separates them from the rest of the taco spots. No, you said it, you said the name too many times. Oh, there's, there's a meter going on.

Oh, sorry. Is they do offer a good kids menu. So that, but again, we need the chips. We need the salsa. My dad loves salsa. You're not going to, I'm not going to have. You've got to have a cheese board. I was going to say, I'm not going to have

tampitoni now. It's not have a cheese board out there. Sure. So we're going to have. That's in his rider. So all in, and then, and then of course, you know, my daughter's birthday present. So all in, I think, I think we're going to be over four.

I think we're going to be over four. Okay. Yeah, you're well over four. Yeah. So she wants a scooter. So, you know, we got to, we got to get her a scooter. And, you know, so that, and then of course, you know, it's can't just be that.

But then what I like to do is I, I also, in this budget, if I'm going to drop some cash on my daughter, I get her what she wants, but then I put in money to her 529 savings account, you know. Currency finance. 529 savings plan. That's the best if you got kids, in my opinion, that's the best way to save for the children. Gets a hundred percent tax free when they,

and you can use it all for school. So I throw some cash all in there. And then that's it. And then we get hit. And that's, that's, that's the birthday. We get hit for the communion. And then we'll get hit from Mother's Day. And that, you know, with all said and done,

all the money I make this weekend in Buffalo, Ithaca and Albany should be going to these parties in May. There you go. Geez, man. Really running through the fucking ringer you are. Running through the ringer, but that's, you know, it's full life, my friend. It's Chrissy Chaos.

Yeah. You know. You really truly is, man. On and off it. This ain't an act. No. He comes in like a tornado, and you're just in his life. I'm giving him life advice on how to christen his daughter.

That's why I'm on blood pressure medicines. I'm 28. 122 over 73. Yesterday's reading, by the way. I want to give a quick shout out to my arteries. And Dr. Jenkins out there in Bayridge. Yeah. Yeah.

Shout out Dr. He's fucking his arteries. Do you have the thing at the house? The little finger thing? Yeah. I'm consistently 98% oxygen to a hundo. And then my resting heart rate's good. 65. I do burpees every day now.

100 burpees. That's the key. Where are you doing the blood pressure on that thing, too? I got a cuff. Oh, shout out to Omaron. Makes the best blood pressure cuffs out there. I want to get one of those. No.

Get that. Get a blood pressure cuff. And get the pulse oximeter. You're good to go. OK. And the intermittent fasting. Zero fasting apps the one I use. I like it.

You are fucking. It's amazing. I mean, Chrissy fasting. I need a new ad guy. You're hemmed up for the summer. Where's the two week vacation? The two week Orlando. We're going down there for jazz.

It's mom's big birthday or a bash. So we got an Airbnb. We got an Airbnb out. You doing Disney? No. What we're doing is the kids don't want to swing in a mess. They didn't want to do Disney. I took the kids to Disney in LA last year.

We went to Anaheim, Disney, which people shit on. They like the Anaheim Disney. They loved it. Really? OK. We're going. I got an Airbnb. I got an Airbnb.

That's unbelievable. Shout out to the good folks at Airbnb. Shout out to Airbnb. I mean, this Airbnb, you've never seen anything like it. I think it's in Lakeland or Florida or in that area. I mean, we're talking acres. Acres and acres. Really?

You do not leave this Airbnb. This Airbnb is next. Now, it cost me 10. I dropped 10, which I was told. Jess, don't worry about it. My family is going to give you money back for it. I'm not expecting it. Sure.

I dropped 10 easy. I said, you guys buy the groceries. And I dropped that. That'll even it out. That'll even it out. Yeah. Yeah. There are fucking key foods.

You can't spend $10,000 at key food in your whole lifetime. 8,500 a turkey. Yeah. Yeah. So we got that coming up. That's two week vacay. And that'll be nice because my dad lives in Tampa. So he'll drive and meet us in Orlando.

OK. So we'll see him in the store. Two hours. And then, yeah. And then August, we're going to hang out a little longer. And then we got the Borgata coming up late August. Not on sale yet, but we're going to do two at the Borgata. There you go.

Man. There you go. I got to do. They want to do that. Make that right back. Make that right back. And then in September, again, we pick it up again. We hit the road heavy.

And then I'm going to try to do my special in December. And then the plan is 2024, we're going to try to take four or five months off from the road. OK. That's why we got to get this podcast. We got to get the merch. We got to get the scratch all up over there at ChrissyChaos. Patreon.com says, ChrissyComedy, I'm stalled.

Bro, your life makes my hands sweat. Oh, man. It's a tightrope. Every conversation with this dude is a tightrope. Yeah. Dude, we did. We recorded the podcast the other day. Me and Foley get in the car to go somewhere.

Four minutes goes by, and I get a call. Hey, I just want to thank you for coming in and doing a podcast. I say, yeah, I appreciate it. I got 58 questions for you. Yeah, we got some issues. But that's all right. Oh, I love you. What can you do, right?

I love you, man. But we got to get to some fucking garbage questions from the Patreon gang. As you know, when you join the Patreon, we will answer your question on the air. It's just the best way to do it. Patreon gets the first crack at it, because let me be honest with you,

they're goddamn homies, all right? And we got ChrissyD in here. And we got ChrissyD answer, feel some of the questions. This is one's from, it's kind of funny, because we do get a lot of people from historyinas, and you had the names. So I get a lot of, we get a lot of, this is Arturo to Choro, which I probably

comes from you or something. Arturo to Choro sounds like, yeah. I mean, we're one of the Patreon OGs, you know? I know. 100%. Yeah, it's a shame you guys went away. What can you do? Can I accept some of that scratch right now?

All right, this one's Arturo to Choro, $10 homie. Is it garbage? My job offers surf and turf dinners on Wednesday for 32 smackaroos. Plot twist, it's crab and a burger. That's a bad surf and turf. Surf and turf has to be a steak and lobster, no? It has to be.

Surf and turf has to be a steak and lobster. Steak and shrimp I'll let you get away with it. Shrimp I'll give you. That's my outback was that. Let me tell you, they weren't serving crab and burgers at that owner's suite in MSG. Chris Rock did not have a play to that. Me and my dad did, but not him.

So yeah, that's garbage to me. Yeah. Where was the last time you went slumming it somewhere in a restaurant? We're like, this is kind of shady, but we're going anyway. I took the family out back a few days ago. A few days ago? They love it.

The blooming onion, my daughter goes wild for it. They love it, the blooming onion. I like the Applewood chicken sandwich. I actually go with the chicken sandwich and outback. It's very good. There you go. You like a nice lady. I like a nice lady, yeah.

I like that. Shout out to the outback on 18th Avenue in Bensonhurst. That's the one we go to. That's where you go. Yeah. Table in the back. They know us. Yeah, the pumpernickel bread is phenomenal.

Warm with butter. If it doesn't come out warm, I ask them to throw it back and then warm it up. You leave a nice tip? Oh, I told you. We go, the standard is 30%. I go 40%. And you put that on the court, or you do cash for the tip?

I try it as best I can. I try to do cash, so they don't got to pay the taxes on it. As long as Uncle Sam doesn't know. And if they recognize me, I go 50. You got to go. We talked about that. You got to go big, man. You got to go heavy when you get there.

I mean, it's only happened two or three times for me, but you got to come correct. This one's just funny. This is from Kim Hightower. Any of the female members in your family know how to drive a pickup truck? Hmm. A pickup truck.

A pickup truck. I mean, that's just a regular driver. Sure. My Jasmine knows. My mom would panic, though. My mom would be like, I can't do this. She would. I used to drive a pickup all the time.

She's working the dock. Jasmine knows how to use a table saw. She was cutting up the wood to make. Jasmine, from scratch made for our daughter's party, a homemade Barbie photo booth. She cut the wood, pieced it together. Yeah, she was with a table saw out there with glass goggles on.

You own a table saw? She'd get it from somebody. She owned the contractor. He let us have the table saw. She did it. It was great. She built this bar. It's beautiful, this Barbie photo booth.

Damn. There you go. That's all right. Custom-made Barbie photo booth. I swear to God, she literally was building that thing that she built that Barbie photo booth with the table saw. And I went to the supermarket and got us fresh avocados. And got dinner started.

Yes. That's what I did. I put that apron on. I started sucking cock. Get the cookies in the oven. Christ. All right, let's see. This is from Finner, Canadian, $14.50 homie.

Never had one read. Is it garbage to make a PB&J and banana sandwich with a hot dog bun and the whole banana where the hot dog is supposed to go? So that's a little erotic, I feel. You know, whole banana on a hot dog bun? Let me say this. I'm on record.

I've done everything on a hot dog bun. I've done a hamburger on a hot dog bun. I've done sandwiches on a hot dog bun. Putting the banana in there with the peanut butter and jelly makes it make more sense. Can I say that? Yeah. It makes it make more sense.

It fits. It fits a banana. And let me throw this at you. If you sliced that banana in half and threw it in a skillet with a little butter and a little bit of brown sugar, then it's caramelized and delicious. Then you got a real banana dog going there. That's a full-blown banana dog.

I'm just telling you. With the peanut butter and jelly, fucking good night. Banana dog. Good night. That's great. Are you doing PB&Js at the house? Are you like an anti-peanut butter halogy or what are you doing?

Well, I'm not. The kids' school, you can't have peanut butter, almond butter. You can only do sun butter. Sun butter? That's what we do. Sun butter and jelly. Sunflower. Sunflower seed butter.

So you can make anything butter now. So we do sunflower butter, jelly. What my men? It's probably pretty good. It's good. It's good at home, though, on snacks at home. My daughter loves Nutella. So she goes sun butter, Nutella, jelly.

That's what she likes. That ain't bad. And the same sandwich. Yeah. And guess what we brought home from Italy? We went to Sicily. Guess what we brought back? Pistachio butter.

Pistach. Pistach. We love that in the house. Pistachio. I don't even. That's probably. Pistachio is on a run. Pistachio.

They're on a low level run right now with flavoring ice cream the whole night. They're on a big run. Yes. And I think they're cheating it a little bit because it has a lot of spimony flavoring to it. I think they're juicing it up a little bit. I'm just going to say, it ain't the same pistachio ice cream

we had when we were kids that sucked. But in Italy, I think it's real pistachios. I got that from Italy. I got that in the airport. I got to shout out to the airport in Palermo. Gay Day, that's where all the goodies were at Gay Day. Shout out to good folks at Gay Day. Really doing the Lord's work out there.

We appreciate it. Coons on the ground out there. Guys from the airport at the party bringing people in. Back in the truck out? Yeah. OK. OK. All right, let's do two tree more here.

This one's. Another expense I got. I'm going to have to spend $200. You can't have a party without a clown. I got a clown. I got people doing face paint. I got that. OK, you got a clown.

A little bit of a clown. I got a face paint. That's, I think, what I was leading to. Do you have somebody coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said celebrity guests, like, around. We just couldn't have said that without the impractical jokers coming out.

There you go. You got to tell what a mustache and glasses are doing a bit. That's all right. Shout out to the impractical jokers. You know this clown? You know the guy? Yeah, well, that's one. Jazz, it's a company they're doing.

So we don't know him personally. Well respected. Supposedly, well respected. He's been recommended by other people on the block. The clown comes highly recommended. And does the baby likes clowns? They don't. I don't think they care.

You know, really, it's really. Because I would lose it. I think a clown is fine. They're really the face paint. We have the same face paint to come in. There you go. And then I wanted to do. I did this one year for Delilah's third birthday.

But again, I didn't clear it with jazz. You got a Nero Smith cover bag? I didn't clear it with jazz. So that's where the trouble ended. But I think this time, if I can clear it with her, I got pigs. I got baby pigs coming over. But we had the apartment in Bay Ridge.

And she wasn't prepared for it. We used to do the birthday party at the apartment in Bay Ridge, and I had these little baby pigs. Shout out to New York Tea Cup pigs.com. In the apartment? Yeah, in the apartment. This was literally the straw that broke the camel's back and Mrs. Doubtfire, by the way.

She's going to leave you out front. You're going to have a bedding zoo. You had animals in the apartment. I had baby pigs. It was cute. My daughter loved it. But I could feel the anger. I could feel the anger and the disgust.

And it was bad. One of the pigs almost knocked over her father's urn. Took a shit on the couch. I remember you started this off like, yeah, I just make problems for myself. Yeah, you're about to fucking barn your animals in the house. That's insane. And the apartment.

And the apartment. Yeah. Dude, after this party, you're going to be like, I got a rodeo guy. Let's me in the side door. Yeah, seriously. I got, you know, and then, you know, I said, no, the only thing I put the kibosh on is

Jazz was saying, you know, we've got so many people out there. We've got the new floors in the kitchen. Let's get a porta potty. So they go to, but I said, I can't do that. They've got to come in. No, yeah, you can't do it. I can't do a porta potty. They can't do that.

Because then who knows when the hell they'll take it. It's like a tailgate. Yeah, I said, no. We're doing. They get jammed up two, three days there. They can't get a truck out. That's in the backyard. Yeah, that's the last thing I need.

I don't need my dad, you know, eating, you know, Pueblo's taco trucks. And then that's sitting there for three days. We got to wrap it up. Man. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chris DiStefano. Mr. Chaos. Chrissy Chaos podcast.

Hey, Babe podcast on the road right now. Got the Theater at Madison Square Garden coming up at the end of the summer. And you got Radio City Music Hall sold the fuck out. Let's do it, baby. I'm wearing 55% at the Theater at MSG. So Tiki's are moving. We still got five months on the bone.

So you've got to get the good seats. The good seats are almost gone. So you've got to go get them. chrisdcomedy.com for tickets. Look at them. We're going to throw some merch up there too. We need it. We need it.

We're getting Sigour's merch guy. I mean, you are an idiot. Oh, by the way, I was trying to give myself a quick shout-out. Moved up on a. He's shouting himself out now. Hey, quick plug, Chrissy comedy. Platinum Delta, folks. Look at you.

Big time. Welcome to the club. What are you worried about? You just got made. I'm going. It's a first-class business class ticket all around the world, no matter what I buy. Have these parties at the Lounge at JFK.

What are you doing? That Amix Lounge is all right. I know. You're sneaking 15 Puerto Rican kids in there. Eating all the egg bites. Yeah. What do you got for them? We fucking love you.

We're all over the road. We also have the merch drop, rugarbage.com, all tickets to our live shows. We're getting ready to announce the second leg of the tour this year. Get those tickets. Get that merch. We'll see you out there, baby. Gang, we love you, and we'll see you next week. Peace.