Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Chris Wood: South Jersey Trash

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

The boys a back with a fun one! Comedian Chris Woods sits down Kippy and Foley to talk growing up in New Jersey, Trashy Food, and Living with his parents during the Pandemic.  Bonus Episodes: www.Patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Get a Shirt: www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? You are garbage!

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Antutti's basement. It's nice and warm. We just had the oil delivered. We're good until February. After that, we'll see what happens with the stimulus plan.

My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's got his name on many, many, many offshore accounts. I'm certain that's the core agencies would probably be interested to hear if I ever flipped on him, but I wouldn't. I would. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, gang. What's up? Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate it. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there. Those numbers are true to fucking roof.

Almost that 10,000 subscribers. Shout out. We appreciate it. Also, patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. You can sign up. You can get bonus episodes every week. You can get bonus episodes of Hard Feelings, where it's just me and Foley, a little bit behind the curtain. You know what I mean? A little bit of a family episode. Also, at the end of every month, we're going to be doing live streams. You can sign up. We get to ask you questions. You ask us questions. It's going to be a good fucking time. Get involved, baby.

Absolutely. We love you guys very much. If you want to pick a little something up for somebody special for the holidays, you can go over to podcastmerch.com and grab yourself a clean live in the milk, man. A garbaggio tea or hoodie, whatever you want. And how about a nice big round of applause for our producer extraordinaire. The guy who puts this whole thing together makes Uncle Hank look pretty. Toby McMullen, everybody. T-Bone. Hey.

Yeah. Fuck, I owe five bucks to Mark Norman for fucking royalties on that day. Fuck. He's coming for it. Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today. Another OG original from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Started out on the scene down there together. He is a very funny standup comedian and podcaster.

And you can hear him on his amazing podcast, Oral Presentations. But the big question about his mind today, is he garbage? He's got a real bad case of the guy we don't trust at work face. Is it really the best way I could sum it up? And a Philly accent that should come with a water rights and a pretzel. I'm telling you right now, this kid. He looks like the guy who read your mail before you get to him. I haven't spoken yet.

That's like fucking three. I just said that. I know. He has multiple family members and rehabilitation centers across southeastern Pennsylvania. I'm for sure of it. Give it up for Chris Wood, everybody. Thanks for coming, buddy. Thank you for having me.

Those are good. I'm not unfounded. I am a snake in the wolf environment. You are UPS Philly Terminal Philly if I've ever seen it. God damn. Look at you. Thanks for coming up, buddy. Thanks for having me.

It's an adventure. I don't come up here much. It's a holiday for me. It's nice. I'm scared of the city. Welcome to the big city, baby. Oh, Philly guys, when they come up to New York. Well, you're actually a, you're a South Jersey guy, I think, right?

Yeah, I sound horrific, but I started in South Jersey and then I went to school Westchester and then I've worked in Clifton Heights for like a couple of years and that's where it really got thick. Yeah. Clifton Heights is outside of Philadelphia. It's like Delco. Well, that's the thing with accents. It's like the people in the city, in the inner city rarely have it.

It's like the, even with New York and stuff like that, it's the surrounding areas outside of the city have the worst trashier accent. You go to Delaware, you'll throw up. So Philly, so trashy. Yeah. Well, we love it. Where exactly? Tell us the whole backstory about where Chris Wood grew up.

Give us the rundown. Public school, pretty basic. South Jersey. Yeah. Public school. Public school. Public school. What's up, man?

I was a fucking class president. What? Shut the fuck up. Really? I could see you being real technically smart. You should be like an engineer somewhere. Are you smart? No.

Because your podcast is a quite successful podcast or a presentation. It's all about like a topic. It's like learning. You're teaching people a subject. Yeah. Based on how fucking super I was like a year ago. Okay. I would have guessed domestic terrorism.

I was 32 and terrified. Then I was like old and I wouldn't have a reason to ever learn it again. Okay. So I was like, I was pretty sad. So I was like, let's just start doing them. And then I ended up doing like Princess Diana on my birthday. And then after you do that, it was like, all right, well, we can't get weirder than this. So let's fucking go with it.

Yeah. Double down onto it. I like it, dude. What town did you grow up in South Jersey? I graduated high school in 2005. What? Why do you keep telling me that you graduated high school? What town?

No, what town did you grow up in? Oh, what town? What's that for? I'm sorry. Jesus. Yeah. This kid's being interviewed by the cops right now. He's got the pressure on.

Holy shit. All right. So West Effort, West Effort, that's the part of South Jersey where like every derelict, it gets a couple of bucks. They either moved to like, you know, Ben Salem, Bucks County, Delco or South Jersey. It's like it should. It might as well be part of Pennsylvania. Yeah.

It's like 20 minutes off of like Cherry Hill. So like middle of fucking nowhere. Everybody claims to be fulfilling. Yeah. Yeah. Very. Yeah. Wires coming up.

What's your mom and dad do when you're growing up? My mom was a domestic engineer. Okay. What's that? A housewife. Dude, I bit that hook line in the sinker. I was like, holy shit. What?

You designing homes or something? No. That's a respectable profession. Did you know that? I said he looks like an engineer before. He had me fucking suck. Damn. All right.

I was like, ah, see, he just fucking roped a dope. That's pretty good. We came out swinging. He's fucking laying in the cup. I got clobbered. I got clobbered every day. That's all. And then my dad's computers.

So I can see that. Yeah. There we go. Computers. What do you do? Sell them? Make them? Steal them?

He was an early, early nerd. Really? Right on the ground level of nerd. He was a chemist to begin with and then he just started fucking around like 1990. And then he like became excellent at it when everybody was like, oh, we should start using these. And he already knew about it. He was already 10 steps ahead of the game.

He just got lucky on that one. So what did he work for? Like a company that was like an engineer or like develop software or what? Yeah. It was like, it was like coding when it was new. So like when you need, like coding came around, you got to find people to teach people this shit and only a handful of them know it. So it's like you would have leverage to get.

So we had to be doing pretty well if your dad, if your mom was a domestic engineer. Yeah. Like he had to be making enough money, you know, to support the fan. Well, she, she, yeah, she, she quit the job when we, I get a couple of sisters were born to like raise us, but then she went back to the librarian now. Okay. Oh, librarian. Public libraries.

Hello. The thing with those software guys though, like you're saying back in the 90s, it wasn't like the guy that went to Harvard. It was the dude who had another job who worked on like personal computers at home in his spare time that figured all that shit out. Yeah. It was like a hobby at the time. Tinkering on this in the basement fucking 300 K a year.

Did he have like a room set up in the house where there was like a solid iron and all that stuff. I wasn't allowed to go in it. Yeah. I always try to sneak in it. Yeah. My boy had one of those too. Those man, I'm getting a picture here.

Yeah. It was definitely wood paneling in that room. Dude. He tried to drywall at one point, Tom. He would watch the Flyers games and I would try to crawl in and he'd be, he'd be working. I got to get the fuck out of there. Is he a big dude? Cause you're a big dude.

No. He's a, I mean, he's not a small guy. He might see this. He's very physically intimidating. You see this, but no, he wouldn't. My mom, my mom's tall. I get the length from my mom. I'd fucking roll my dad.

I live with him right now from the pandemic. So I'm just letting him know. You moved home for the pandemic. Yeah. My lease ran out and then it's like, you gotta, I don't really know where to go right now. Was he thrilled? He can't be thrilled about you being in the house.

I mean, I think we're all kind of coming to an end as far as that goes. Yeah. I just talked shit to him on a pretty popular podcast. He took you in though. There you go. Yeah. I mean, I have been much trouble. So you just kind of your head down.

Are you back? All right. So are you back in your, the room you grew up in? It's fucking. Yeah. Is it? Talk about it. Really?

Is it the same? Is it done the same? Did they change it? Is it now the guest room? Yeah. And you're staying in a better version of it? You still got any GI Jews left over? It's fucking.

There's a border with rollerblades and soccer. Oh dude, I had that. I fucking had that. 33. That was the realest moment in podcasting history. Him realizing he had a rollerblade border going on. This is why I have a topic every week on my podcast. So I don't have to talk about it.

So they still live in your childhood home. Yeah. Right. The one. Yeah. The one we started in like middle school. So the one that you remember. Yeah.

Yeah. The bike gang days. How much younger are your sisters? We're spread out by four years. Oh, we're spread out by four years. So she's four years older. And then I got another one younger. And where's the younger one live?

We're all pretty close. No, we really spread out. No, but did she live in the house with you? Oh, no, she's married. They're like adults. That's what I was getting at. Even the little one, the one that's four years younger. Yeah.

Married fucking old ones got kids. They both got houses. I drew him up here in a Honda fit. So what are the regulations now that you're back home for the pandemic? You got to be embedded a certain time. Is there chores assigned? No, my shame keeps me in check. I don't see the day that much.

Yeah. I don't look my dad in the eyes. He could fucking look at me and be like, look at your life. Oh, my God, dude. I mean, you still. I'm doing electronic book reports in the fucking basement. Fucking life. No, we got to get the vaccine rolled out.

Let's go. This guy's bonkers. I need this. That's awesome. Let me ask you this stuff. Buddy, I love this. Let me ask you this. Since since we're on this, a little bit of a different situation.

But during the pandemic, I went home to my parents for about two months. Okay. Where I was home. And it was honestly the happiest I've ever been in my life. Is there aspects of that? Maybe it is a mental regression of your childhood. But don't you like it a little bit? Like, is your mom making dinner and shit like that?

It comes and it goes. I think you got caught in the nice honeymoon. Okay. Period. Right. And then once you get past that, everybody's grumpy for a minute. And then I at least see my mom and dad as a couple now, which is fucking crazy.

It's like you have a roommate's couples who are your parents. Yeah. I got to move out. Do you guys eat dinner together as a family? We hold it against each other when somebody doesn't show up to it. I was down eating dinner. You're officially co-dependent. I love how you didn't come down to eat dinner.

But see, that's great. Your mom's making dinner. It's something you're not like roommates like that. Like you're not going to the grocery store for yourself, right? Your mom goes to the store. Sometimes I do, but it's never, I still need. You guys know how to grocery shop? I never learned how to grocery shop.

I'm still going to like case ideas. Paint my masterpiece. Who are you talking about? I got to learn that. Yeah. So you don't do any of the grocery? Like she'll go grocery shopping for the household. No, for her and my dad.

But I'll do my own little sustenance. We're like, I'll make case ideas. My diet's horrendous. OK. I'm still like bachelor eating. Sure. Chilli and shit. What did you make for dinner last night?

I didn't eat last night. When was the last time you sat down with them and ate? She'll make a pot roast. Pot roast is pretty good. It's not bad. It's like standard 90s mom dishes. Shake and bacon ship. Nice.

Yeah. Well, you guys watch TV while you're eating dinner? Or are you at the table proper? We're at the table. We usually talk about public library business. OK. What's going on in the public? Yeah.

That's where she works. Yeah. It's got to be weird. See if there's any issues. What's happening. Flash it out. Dude, that's great. Do you ever go up to bed early?

Like, all right. I'm going to go up to bed. No. But if I'm stomping around late, I hear about it. Well, you stand up and watch TV when they go to bed downstairs in the living room? No. I'm in my room like a permit.

So you're keeping it just like that. I got you. I am. Do you have a TV in there? No. A laptop. I don't know how to work a TV anymore. I haven't used a TV in like 10 years.

I know. I haven't. I haven't. Since I moved up to New York, I hadn't had a TV. Or I haven't had cable. Or TV. Nice. Glad I'm not alone on that.

Damn. What's back at home? This is great. That's wild. And are you working right now or no? I got injured about a year ago. OK. So I'm just like doing PT.

And then the pandemic hits. My PT slowed down. So I got to get my body right. And then probably like January, sort that out. But right now we're just holiday season. So that's a lot of your mom and dad. Focused on the holiday season. I want to get a camera crew to follow you.

Mom and dad. Yeah. You should be pitching this. Is the house set up? Is the house set up for Christmas? Yeah. I mean, I thought, yeah, no set that like half. Like maybe maybe mom's happy with one point.

Maybe that's happy with another point. And maybe we're coming to a conflict because it's a COVID Christmas and we don't know what our house is supposed to look like. A lot of possible arguments there. This is this has come up at dinner time. For sure. Yep.

These two are boncos. These two are. They've they've been in love for 50 years. I can't even imagine that. Like how do you treat that person anymore? Like I can't interact with these arguments are so far beyond me. Yeah. Yeah.

They're playing chess. I'm like, yeah. It's like first day open mic. And then like. Yeah. Louie and Steve Harvey are fighting in the green room. Yeah. You don't know what to do.

You're asking where the light is. Exactly. I try to know when to shut off. That's all I go for. Oh man. And how are you? It's so this is so funny because the questions that we normally ask her, what did you do as a child?

And now we're asking them the same questions at 33 or whatever. That's hilarious. We'll put on the internet. What's this? Well, it's because of the pandemic. Yeah. And so many people are going through this. Yeah.

This is great. He's 40 40 just did it for most of the summer. Yeah. I go back in a heartbeat. That's insane. I would live with my parents forever. My mom hooks it up. But I got a good situation.

Mama bear cooks. Yeah. Mama bear cooks. They're fucking cool. I got a couple of chores. You know, I did a dishwasher. I have to bring some wood pellets in or something like that. Help her with the pool in the summer.

Dude, I'm cool. You know, he's just like the fucking trash out. Yeah. I don't know what I was bitching about as a kid. I'll do my job and shut up. Yeah. Like a city worker. I keep your head down.

Get the Benny. I could do this for 35 years and I'm out. Look up when I'm 55 reevaluate. Yeah. Got a pension a whole nother life. Dude. You have no idea how much has been talked about it. It's not like my Christmas parties.

Dude, just like the Benny's. Benny's are a big topic in my family. Get the Benny's going on the floor to start doing fishing charters. Yeah. Holy shit. Well, he started when he was 18. He took the early buyout, you know, because like, because the unions are constantly trying to restructure their debt and their money.

So they're giving it early buyouts. Yeah. A lot of early buyouts to fucking move. I've had a family member like talk to me about like maybe being a cop recently. Really? Because of the pension. It's 20 years. Yeah.

20 years new life. Yeah. It's embarrassing. Yeah. When you're 55. Right. It sounds okay now. Do you think your parents are like, would they want you to be like, yeah, go be a cop?

You'd be a weird fucking cop, dude. I have cop face. You do have very. You have cop head for sure. I feel like if I start talking, it would give it away. Yeah. I would have to do all my intimidation. No skating around here, dude.

All my intimidation. Yeah. Let me see the board. I'll do a kickflip right now, dude. You have social injustice cop face though. That's all. But I smile a lot. I'd be a big smiley, weird cop.

You can't put a handle. A ghoulish cop. Yeah. You're dear in about 90. He was pretty sick. Yeah. Yeah. You were fucking cruising back there, dude.

I mean, I got to write you up and hold. Look, I do. This thing got a hemi on it. I ain't going to call your mom though. Oh baby, we got a hot one. It should be a cop. You're back at home. Now you said your sisters live close by.

So are they like bringing the kids over and shit like that? Nice and nephew. Yeah. They are. And Uncle Chris is there. I feed the ducks with him. We feed the ducks. I take all my dad's loaf of bread and we throw it at ducks.

Does he get pissed that you take the bread? When he finds out. But he can't get mad because the niece and nephew used it. So what are you exactly doing all day? Fuck rye bread. What? He's rye bread, don't you think? Yo, I don't know what it is.

All dads love a good piece of beef steak rye. Wait, you guys got rye bread too? I've never seen it before. My dad, I was only ever at my dad's house was rye bread. My mom's house was a white bread house. My dad, and I just thought it was like, I didn't know it. I thought it was like artisanal. I just thought it was something dadsy.

Yeah. Thought he made it himself. I remember he would try to give it to me with like eggs. I'm like, yo, dude, get the Strohman's out. What the fuck is this bullshit? Well, you always loved it. But it always came in like a really, really small loaf. It was like a little tiny loaf.

It was just for the old man. Fancy. You used to do oyster crackers too? Yeah. Now, we were never big on oyster cracker. I remember going to a country club for Mother's Day something one time. They had oyster crackers.

I was chewing them thinking they were like regular crackers. All right. Fucking took a molar out. Just try to check if our dads are identical. Your dad does oyster crackers? My dad fucks up oyster crackers. Just like, just dry? Bad as a snack.

That's dry. Yeah. Dry. He has like a puritan tongue. Not a lot of salt. Yeah. It's dry. Is he British or something?

Yeah, he's an Anglophile. Yeah. What's his, I don't know what that word meant, but it sounded racist. People are obsessed with it. Yeah. What's his drink? Like root beers?

None. Nothing. No, he didn't booze. No, not booze. Just in general. What if you see him? If he can't be sitting mulching oyster crackers, what's that a fucking beverage?

A cup of black coffee while he scales at me. Jesus Christ. This guy needs a vacation. He won't date one day. Damn. Oyster crackers and black coffee? Yeah. Hey, gang.

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So what are you doing? And work. What? What are you doing all day? You're at the house all day. Oh, PT, Nissan FU, and then Job Hunt. I mean, looking around and see, like, what January might look like. So you're around all day.

Do your parents both getting up and going to work? Well, we all have, like, different, yeah. Ma goes out to the job library. Public library holds it down. I love how he talks about it like it's a gang. Dude. He's like, she's out there flexing. She reps the block, comes back.

I love it. That's fantastic. I think it's fun. It's like a fun lady. That's a great, you know, second half for like an old, you know what I mean? Like a nice old retired mother job. That's clean living. And I'm my mom.

Like, I have my, I'm identical. Like, personality-wise. Like, my dad. Like, my, like this run. Oh, God bless you, dad. That's a woman. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Yeah. Does he get up and go to work every day, though? No, he works from, he does internet stuff. So he's at home. Still coding. Retired. So the two of you are at fucking home all day. Don't clash in the basement.

Really? I'm at a planned recording time, son. Let's, let's, let's break down the house. So we're talking about a single family home in the suburbs. Yes. Garage stuff, driveway, basketball net, the whole nine. No basketball. Okay.

Garage with some weights that I don't put away and get yelled at for. What about down in the basement? Is that where your dad has his shop? Basement is. Now. His computer office. It's a nail chocolate. Yeah.

He kind of made it like his own cave thing, but didn't finish it. He's got a bunch of pictures of my mom up from like the 70s when she was young and hot, which I think is funny. Yeah. Living in the glory day. Oh yeah. That's his lair, dude. Don't.

Where's the TV room? Is it down there? Is it on this first floor? TV's down there along with the keyboard for church music. The guy's got a couple of hobbies. He's busy. Wait, is that's not where the family watches TV is down in the basement? Is it?

No, there's like a main room. A main family living room. Family. Den. You guys have Den growing up? No. Den is trash. Do you call it a Den?

I fucking love my Den. A Den sounds underground. Yeah. We had to live it for a time when we lived in a townhouse. We had a living room and then we also had a Den. The Den was tight. Do the Den. That's got the little TV and the couch.

It's family. It's living room, family room. Den's bad news. I'm not saying that Den is a bad news. Bears live in a Den. It's just cozy in there. It's fun to say. Curl up and watch a fucking movie.

The family room is trash. No. Calling it the family room? The family room's with the nice Johnny. You're not allowed to go in there. No, that's dining room. That's a dining room. You fucking animal.

That's not, that's a dining room. No, dining room's the kitchen table. This guy's got a china cabinet in his living room. The dining room would not be the kitchen table. That would be the kitchen. Yo, I've been calling the rooms of the household. Oh, what's garbage, man? Man, this kid's bonkers.

You know, it's living room, dining room, family room. Not a Den. A Den's bad. It's not a Den, my whole life. Let me ask you this. You ever know anybody that had a great room? No. Couple of my friends did.

I thought I was fucking hanging out with royalty when you were in there. They had a foyer too. We got a big foyer. We have a foyer. You got a foyer. What about a mud room? You got, wait. Mud rooms are trash just by now.

Mud rooms, what you call the laundry room. What is a mud room? Mud rooms like, especially in suburban houses, when you come in from the deck or the garage or the side entrance, there's like, usually like the laundry. You know, the laundry. The laundry, the bigger shoes there kind of. That big sink. What are those called?

Stationery tub. You stationery tub. Also known as jerry. You got to have a stationery tub. You're tight. You ever drink out of those things? That water is so smelly. We used to fill the dog's bowl up out of there and come out all cloudy and shit.

I was like, here you go, Sparky. Have a good one. Utility sink water? Three eyes and shit. Utility sink water for a dog. I know some of my friends. That's where the runoff from the washing machine went. It would like squirt in into the station.

Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. That's what it drains into the. Yeah. Whatever. This is real garbage. We used to like by accident throw like a rag in the stationery.

We've done that. And then the water fills up and it sucks. And the rag clogs the stationery tub. Do you know how many times we've ruined my fucking basement? My stepdad would come home and we'd be like sweeping water out into the garage. He was fucking flood dude. Did it get his records? No.

He's not a record guy. Okay. More of a Winston and Coors like guy. Okay. Do it another time too. We had people that would not put the shower liner. We had this guy from Iceland. The exchange student for the.

He lasted two days because my brother. He had an exchange student. He came from Iceland. And so my brother went to this like like rich private school. Yes. And they had this guy that came over. It was like an exchange program for like soccer players. He was like this really good Icelandic soccer player, Donny.

Hello. And they would he would stay like a week or two weeks with each family. Like a couple of team families on the team to whatever. And so like he didn't just live at one place. So he came and they got him all fucking drunk and high. You know, this is all like real. Like this is like the 1% of like all these like rich kids are driving around in BMWs. They have this like European guy.

They're like, yeah, let's get them fucked up. Yeah. Or get them all fucked up on God knows what comes home to my mom's house. They put him in my sister's bed and he comes into my room. And wakes me up. And he goes, I had an accident. Now I'm fucking I'm sleeping in my Bucks County room. I'm like fucking seven.

I got this fucking dude from Iceland. I've never met waking me up going, I got an accident. I'm like, oh, shitty Peter shit. The bed dude. He threw up all over my sister's fucking room. So I'm like, dude, no worries. We'll take care of because it's like you're feel bad. You know what I mean?

Like this kid's parents. My mom's sleeping. You're seven. You're having a cup of coffee in your hand. Like you're Winston Wolfe. So I got. That's what you made it sound. Don't worry.

We'll take if I'm current with you. I apologize. Timus of the episode. Seven year old Winston Wolfe. No, it was more like I didn't want to make him feel bad. You know what I mean? So I was like, I just don't worry. He's like hopping the shower and like fucking a peek.

No, he didn't. I guess he's never had a shower curtain. Like I guess he had a door. So he left a shower curtain on the outside. Of the fucking shower and took like a fucking two hour shower. Dude. And the kitchen ceiling just came down while we were sitting there eating eggs.

My mom's like, does anybody hear water? And it was like out of like an old state commercial. We're like, oh, shit. Adios. Yeah. He went home like 48 hours later. Did you finally kick him out for ruining your house? Oh, he felt bad.

And he was just like, oh, I don't I can't stay here. So he went somewhere else for a couple of days and then fucking hit the bricks. Yeah. Yeah. Paddy fully would have bounced him. Fuck. Plus he pulled like a sheep's head in the garage fridge.

My mom was like, what the fuck is this thing, dude? Yeah. He brought some weird meat with air on it. My mom was like, you know what? I didn't go into the fucking house fridge. He had a two day run. Yeah. Through in the kitchen.

He came through up everywhere. She's had fucked our shit up. Oh my God. All right. All right. Let's go. So I want to get some of the basics out of the way. What was the name?

What was the name of the house? What was the name of the street that you grew up on? Oh. Or you don't want if you don't want to reveal. Don't reveal. Because you live there. Yeah. Let's not talk.

Yeah. I hit you with a hard. Yeah. I don't need fucking letters. It's usually not the same house, man. What about the grocery store? What's the grocery store your mom goes to now? They both go shop right, which I prefer Acme.

Really? I huge Acme. I'm big. I'm a shop right. I like shop rights a little better, to be honest with you. You get a nice shop right in a suburban neighborhood. It's fucking OK. You didn't make any points there.

Acme seems a little too corporate. I need actual shop right points. I am against shop right there. You're against shop. I hate the lines. There's too many. They're all crowded together. Yeah.

I don't know where to go with the questions because Woodlips and the same house. They grew up there. That is a little different. Well, are all the questions based upon like a successful adult life? No. By no means.

I'll go home. No. Let's do some of the basics. Growing up, did you drink milk with dinner? No. OK. That's pretty good. That's pretty.

You seem like your parents seem quite respectable. You seem like. I don't know what happened. Your sisters are fucking killing it. They got two out of three. Yeah. You on the other hand, you're fucking into your leg rustling your dad in the basement.

Oh, the soccer and roller blade. Dude, I have that one. Is there bunk beds in the room? No bunk beds. What size bed are we talking? Queen? Queen, but the mattress doesn't fit it. OK.

What does that mean? That means that there's like a slot where my head can go in. The headboard is taller than the mat. So you can just. You can suck your head into the night. That's tough. It's a nice bed. Yeah.

Watch out. Detach garage or garage attached to the home? Attached garage. Attached. Attached to the house. Do you park cars in there? No. No.

The cars are in the driveway. Too much shit in there. Too much shit. How many cars are in your driveway when everybody's home? Is it three cars? Two. Just two. Just two.

And then I mean my Honda third. Is it in the street? Yeah, it's in the street. Oh, that's always. I was always had a park in the street. I never got access to the driveway. Jamming it up for my stepdad who leaves for work at like three in the morning.

Oh, man. He's like, well, he's like, dude, sometimes he would drive around the house. That is real. He would drive around the house. He would drive into the backyard around my whole house and then out the front. Did he ever move your car to make a point?

Oh, I don't think so. I know the point is the fucking mud tracks in the front of that. Yeah, that's him going. Look what you fucking made me do. That's more civil. Like I found my own way. How much trouble would you get in now if you parked your car

behind your dad and you were upstairs sleeping and he was trying to get out? Bad news. I would wake up, you know, and I can kiss the sleepover. Goodbye. I'll tell you that. We're like World War Z wake up fucking end of the world panic with like I block my dad in.

So he's a lunatic. He deserves respect. OK. I like the sound of this guy. Yeah. So he takes no Easter crackers and black coffee next level fucking don't fuck with me. So he takes no shit.

It's taking no shit your entire life. Yeah, pretty much. This is like an interview with a North Korean general. He deserves respect. He deserves respect. Let's do it. What's going to stab himself after this? I love it.

I'm just being nice. I said I would beat his ass up pop. So if you watch the whole thing, there's a back end. Yeah. For some reason, I don't think that'll hold up. I feel like your dad could take it. Oh my God. He's got a reason.

Did you have a refrigerator in that garage or currently do you? No. No garage. I didn't pick his garage fridge. No garage for it. Not big drinkers. No booze in the outside. OK.

Interesting. Pool in the backyard? No. No. Swing set. Anything growing up? Swing set growing up was sick. Yeah.

Was it wood or was it metal? Wood. Really? Yeah. That's a little bit of key. All IT money over at the woodhouse. Oh, no. It's like city wood where you can move it.

Yeah. It's more stable for your children. The highest end swing set of those wooden ones that have the. The hut. The house. That have the red, yellow, and blue awning on top. You know what I'm talking about? I just built one of those for my niece and nephew at my sister's house.

Let's get her in here. Show me a little class in this joint. Somebody, yeah. She can talk about the house she owns and all these other things. The garage fridge she has? Exactly. Her husband and kids. The love in her life.

Oh, holy shit. All right. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? No. Okay. Can you? Although it's nice you assume I brush my teeth. Do you not brush your teeth on a regular basis?

That was a joke. We're doing comedy. Dude, the rope adopes he pulls. He takes shots for 20 minutes and then fucking sniped it. Just fucking pink mist right through the fucking wall. Can you whistle with your fingers? No, but I've always wanted to. I can't believe you.

If I was casting you, I would say that special skills on the resume at the top. I worked at a looting dock for like three years and one of the dudes could do it. And I never asked him. I was too afraid to become his friend. I could see you whistling with your fingers and that you're, are you big in the fireworks? As a child, I mean, we all fall with Roman candles. Yeah.

We all had our day in battle, gentlemen. Been through the wars with that. I don't have my vengeance. He said that so sincere. Yeah. We've all spilled blood on the battlefield. Yes. All right.

Yes. Do you guys go pool hopping as a kid? Ties in the fireworks? I did once or twice, but as like, you know, it was like somebody we knew kind of and just did it and ran away, but like never like fully illegally. What is, what is pool hopping? Just going swimming in other people's pools.

Sneaking in somebody's yard, jumping in and making noise, jumping out and jumping over the fence and running away. The lights are coming on in the house. Yep. It's a real garage hopping where you go in and steal the beer from the garage fridge. Oh yeah. Magic fridge. Fuck it.

Get those rolling rocks out. Yeah. Couple of ponies. Yeah. The guy who lives there is going to be a set on the weekend. Yeah. I had buddies. My buddies got caught doing it.

Cops got called because they closed the garage door on them and they had them fucking him. Oh my God. Like a rat trap. Yeah. That's a standoff right there. You got a prison break. He called the cops and the cops, you know,

whatever they ended up having to do like all this community stuff. You know, whatever they ended up having to do like all this community service and they had like probation officers and shit. They got called. It was like felonies. Like breaking and not breaking and entering but awful trespassing. Yeah. Come on.

What a dick. They were like 15, 14. Couple of schlitz. 15 or 14. Well then the homeowner decided not to press charges. He was like, I just was just trying to be like kind of a dick and like prove a point. Okay. And then the state was like, no, these are felonies.

We still want to press charges. Jesus. Fucking. Some hothead DA down there. Fucking relax, buddy. All right. I have a question for you. How many pairs of dress shoes do you own?

One. They're all crinkled. What about the suit? Yeah. Do you care if you got to go to a wedding tomorrow with this? I can go wedding if somebody dies. I'm fucked. I don't have a black one.

I got a silver suit. Silver or gray. It's not like silver. It's not like Al Pacino. Okay. It's like gray. It's not. I'm not.

Okay. He's got the big collar on the shirt. He's changing cars on the way to the funeral. Do you currently own any drones? No. He would totally would want one though, I feel. You seem like a drone guy. I would be scared of getting addicted to it.

Okay. Man, you're definitely different than what I imagined. No. This, I mean, I know I'm better. This is exactly what I imagined. I mean, I'm better than what I imagined. No. This, I mean, I know I'm better.

This is exactly who. Yeah. Wait. Are drones trashy? Yeah. Nerd alert. They're fucking. They're dorky.

I don't know about trashy. They're expensive. I think they're trashy. They're sketchy is what they are. The ones that kill people are film stuff. That's a good point too. I don't really want to own a drone. I'm not talking about a predator or anything like that.

I lost, I lost connection to my old drone before I got stolen over Roscoe Village in Chicago. It started drifting away down fucking Western Avenue. It got real sketchy. Yeah. Like, all right. That's it. That's what happened to me.

It literally just flew away from us and I just never went and got it. You had a drone? I bought one for my nephew a couple of years ago and he was finally old enough to use it this summer. And I took him out into the field to use it. And as soon as we sent it up. To steal food from other people's grills. Do you ever go, do you ever play magic grill?

I got him hanging on the drone, blowing him down. He grabs the stakes off the grill. Get the drone. Now it flew into the woods and once it gets us out of a certain range, it keeps flying and just, it has a mind of its own. Probably down in Florida. He's retired, got a good Benny's. Second life down in Florida.

Second life. I got one. Have you ever owned a copy of Boondock Saints? That is a jury. It's trashy. He definitely has. Yeah. Were you really into it?

I'm walking on it. Yeah. I mean, I was like, well, I bought the DVD. Sam Goody. And then I went and sold the second one of theaters in Cherry Hills. Yeah. Dude, people that were really into Boondock Saints were really trashy. I was them for Halloween one year.

I'm not going to lie. It was like freshman year at college maybe. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Had the tattoo on the hand though, whatever. Yeah. I'm not even Irish.

I'm not even Irish at all. Yeah. Do you have any slippers? No. Not that I maintain. Why? Why did you? I bought like one-off pairs of slippers and then just left them places.

Okay. Fair enough. What was the last meal you made? Shrimp and goat cheese and sriracha mixed together in the middle of the night. Really? There's goat cheese readily available in the woods. I do my own foraging. Was it cold shrimp or hot shrimp?

Well, it was frozen shrimp and then you got to microwave it. They say you got to defrost it in the middle of the night. You just put that shit in on high for like 10 minutes until it gets red. And then while that's happening, you mix up goat cheese and it's the one thing I know how to make. You microwave shrimp? Purely frozen. That's trashy. Don't look at us like that.

I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know this is weird. Is that weird to do? Yeah. Oh my God. We draw the line at bacon here. That's questionable. Yeah.

You can't be microwaving seafood. So these are uncooked frozen shrimp. Frozen, yeah. And you cook them in the microwave until they turn out, as you said, red. Yeah. You put them in a bowl. I like a medium rare. You put them in a bowl and then you turn.

Wow. You gauge it by sight? You got to boil those, buddy. You got to break out a pot for those. Holy shit. Microwave shrimp. In the middle of the night. Trying to class it up with some goat cheese.

So I was like, give the goat cheese credit. You know. Gang, I want to take a quick second here and talk to you about one of our sponsors and something that a lot of people are probably dealing with right now. Talking about mental health, gang. The pandemic has been rough on a lot of people. People have been trapped inside. Our new sponsor, BetterHelp can help you help yourself.

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One more time. Nice and slow. BetterHelpHELP.com slash garbage. Now back to the show. All right. All right. I got one. Let's start.

What's your middle name? James. Oh, I'm a James myself. Yeah. Too shy, Mr. Wood. It's a good student in high school. Not as good as I should have been. Not as good as you should have been.

I know. I would imagine you're intelligent. It's one of those things where, like, if you apply yourself thing, one of those guys, like a learner that isn't really taught, like, I don't know. I like listening. I'd like to retract my previous statement. Thank you. Please don't make me explain why I'm looking for more.

I'm not. What'd you get in your SATs, though? 1150. Yeah. It's not bad. It's pretty good. It's not good. You got a 920.

Trust me. The rabbi's bozo is a real good one. Did you understand the math at all? I remember coming to the math and being like... I was, no. No. I had already retired from my education at that point. Although I kept working for several years after, unfortunately.

Did you go to college? Yeah, with the Westchester. You graduated? Yeah. Nice. Nice, okay. Degree in? It's a...

I probably saw it in Spanish. I fused the two together into one. Can you speak Spanish? No, I used to be able to. Okay. That's pretty good, though. But I didn't learn it from a book. I learned it because I had a girlfriend who spoke Spanish.

Oh. At the time. Yeah. She didn't speak any English. I could do world presentations in Spanish really well, but I couldn't read it or write it, but you can't fail that guy. Yeah. True.

See. Push them through. I get it. C's for degrees, baby. I couldn't graduate. I had a 400 level credits in Spanish, so they started a study abroad program in Costa Rica. It was the first year, so I paved my way to go down there because I knew they couldn't fail me if I want.

Costa Rica. This guy's pretty good. Okay. Go back to those 400 level credits. If I pay my way down, they can't fail. They can't. Yeah. Seven kids.

You got to sell the program next year, right? Damn. Where would you guys go on vacation when you were a kid? The Ocean City. The Ocean City. Down the shore. New Jersey. A couple of Disney's coming in there.

Disney World, Disneyland. Oh, Florida. A couple of Disney's. Florida and then, yeah, Disney Land was where my little sister was conceived. Ooh. Disneyland. I don't know. What is the difference?

I've never learned. Florida's Disney World, Disneyland's in California. Disneyland is, yeah, California. So you've been to both? Yeah, I've been to both. Wow. That's trash. And aristocrats.

Holy shit. That's garbage. It takes a little bit of money. That's like fucking 20 grand. I know, but why would you go to one when you go to the other? I think going to dual kids. You've never went. Wow.

But that's why you're upset about it. Went to California on dad business trip. Oh, there you go. It was a tag along. We got it. Great or some shit. There we go. It's all coming back.

Piggy back. That's pretty good. Has your mom ever cut your hair? Yep. Like recently? During the pandemic? No, I did, you do bowl cuts. Yeah.

And grandma would cut hair for a while, too, coming up. Okay. So you save money. My sister cuts her kids' hair. Would you have to go to your grandma's or would she come to your place? Oh, I would love to go to my grandma's house to get a haircut and compliments. A couple of cheap pinches called a day. Yeah.

I was like six. It was great. Have you ever owned a strobe light? Yeah. Yeah. High school. I don't remember why. Yeah.

You get to order those off the internet. Yeah. I got mine at Spencers. Oh, that's trash. Yeah. Are there any posters on your wall right now? No. You said it.

Quickly. I came at that. He sounds upset about that. Like they made you take down your footloose. I don't want to get comfortable. That's the thing. I don't want to make it anything like a nice place. Is your bedroom carpeted?

Yeah. Is the bathroom carpeted? No. Has it ever been? No. No, there's bath mats. Okay. How close is your bedroom to your parents' bedroom?

Right there. I try to. Do they watch TV in their room at night? I don't know what they do. He's a loud lover. I try not to think about it. I go bad. Oh.

I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I don't know what they do. I try not to think about it.

I go bad. Oh my god. Kevin. Okay. I got a. I got a hypothetical here. If you want a hundred thousand dollars in the lottery today, what would be the first car you bought?

2020, Jonathan. Stay loyal. Stay loyal. Yeah. Okay. It hasn't died on me. What would be your last meal if you were being executed? There's going to be Sherbert in there.

I know Sherbert. Oh. I don't know what. He's a Sherby guy. There's going to be some type of Sherbert. Who'd have thunk it? Oh, man. It's going to be a list, but we've got to put Sherbert on there first.

Dude, what lunatic gets Sherbert as their final meal? No, that's a portion of it. You end with Sherbert. But still, even in it. Were you a Sherby family growing up? Yeah, I think so. That was dessert with Sherbert? Yeah.

Big time. And Sherbert tricks you into thinking it's healthy, too. That you could fill a popcorn bowl with Sherbert and eat it. At least I can lie to myself. It's a little lighter. Yeah. You're preaching to the choir, brother. I'm a big Sherby guy.

Are Sherbert out the bucket with the handle? Oh, yeah. You go bucket. A bucket lasts about three days. Do you guys go orange or do you go rainbow? You go rainbow. What is it? And you eat it in the dark so it's a surprise.

Woo! You ready for Saturday night? Sleepover. Holy shit. Come meet my dad. Wasn't there a green one, too? I feel like I had a green one. There's green in the rainbow.

It's green. No, there's green. There's orange. And then rainbow, I feel. There's marine. There's like a pink. I've never had some. My favorite that hits like a raspberry.

This guy gets them on the dark web. It's like a raspberry. It's green raspberry and oranges there. Is there a quote, unquote rainbow? Green is the worst one. Yeah. That was my dad's shit growing up. I was like, I want ice cream.

And if there was no ice cream in that, I was like, it was like medicinal. I don't know, but there's going to be Sherbert involved. That's insane, dude. That's wild. Don't be the main dish. Some sort of meat, gochis, sriracha. Some kind of microwave shrimp. You put that shrimp in there and give me some sherbet at the end.

Oh, god. Holy shit. All right. This is from a patron. This is from Jeff Paseol. How did you organize the CDs in your car? Or do you currently have a CD sleeve on the Sun Visor? So back in the, do you have CDs in your car now?

My CD player broke almost immediately. I bought the vehicle. The way you said vehicle makes me think that you've been the DMV court. Your honor, I did not see the vehicle when it approached this. There's nothing better with trash. People try to start talking technical. Or legal, like they know the law. Put a collar on.

That's a 3254. Your honor, I was in my vehicle heading westbound. I was big on burn. You guys burn CDs? You guys burn CDs for girls? I don't even remember burn CDs for girls. I couldn't do it. And even as a young man?

No, I couldn't. I was tapes. When I was young, it was tapes. We'd make mix tapes. Would you make tapes for babes though? Yeah, tapes for babes. Yeah. Man, if that's not the name of the episode.

Tapes for babes. What are a couple of hits that would be on tapes for babes? I would tell you. So this is, this is probably seventh or eighth grade. So I was a big pop guy. I hadn't really gotten into classic rock yet. Obviously, our turn to the music hadn't happened yet. It was still pre pre 92.

Hey, funk master flex. Let's go. Yeah. A lot of qualifiers. Drop the hits. Give me a song name. Richard Marks. Who the fuck is Richard Marks?

You know Richard Marks. No, I don't. I was polite about it. Not like I knew what the fuck that old man band is. I can't think of the name. It's like not all be there from you. That's the friends. Richard Marks.

Depeche Mode sound of silence. There'd be some culture club on there. Some George Michael's faith. That's fun. Keeping it light. I can't remember the fucking Richard Marks song. There'd be some Don Henley. End of the innocence.

Some Phil Collins late 80s would be on there. It was usually Genesis. Genesis. A little Genesis on a mixed tape. It would either be a breakup mix that like the girl broke up with me so I gave her a tape or it was like a lovey-dovey tape for the summer that I would make for. You ever get any phone calls after a breakup tape?

Did you have a breakup tape ever work and bring them back? No. Baby, come back. No. I know. You get my man. All on me. I was back.

I tried to be crazy. I can't think of this Richard Marks song. It was like a famous song. It's a real slow hit. Like I'll be there for you. One more try. Was it your opener of your tape? Is that what you're saying?

That was the big one on it. M-A-R-K or M-A-R-X? M-A-R-X. Richard Marks. Grammy Award winning. You'll know the song. I'm telling you. I can't wait to fall in love with you.

Biggest hit. Limitless? No. He's got some new stuff. 2020. Just put Richard Marks' biggest hit. He was married to Daisy Fuentes. I Corumba.

Not too bad. Living what? Now and forever. I'll be right here waiting for you. I'll be right here waiting for you. Wherever you go. Oh my God. Whatever you say.

Yeah. Now let's talk about a creeper. God. Oh yeah. Listen to that. In my room. Sing it into my mirror. Thinking that she'd come back.

Never came back. Slicking your hair back. Like a real weirdo. If somebody was here and I could have swore I just heard the music. No. It's a fucking siren outside. You're looking at me like I'm fucking the sound up. I was about to start crying real quick.

Is she here? Debbie I still love you. Stephanie? We're a slow dance. Let's go. He just saw a ghost. Big slow dance kid. 7th and 8th grade.

Would you really? 7th grade. Now would you initiate at slow dance time? 7th grade. Petrified. No. I think every teen, every 7th grade boy was petrified of it. Petrified.

All my other friends would be outgoing. They'd go out. Fast dance. I could never do that. You could only do it when it was crowded enough where you weren't seen. I wouldn't do it at all. My social anxiety was too bad. I could not do it.

I would just stand in the corner and try to look cool. Over by the punch bowl. Who's the fact you're hanging up by the cookies? You got any more subs? By the Frootopia machine. Where is he at? He's by the Frootopia. Yo, Frootopia was all right.

You're just buying times. He doesn't dance. He stole my quarters. He's the manager here. Meanwhile, Kibbe's hiding his little middle school boner. My heart will go on. You talked the boner. Who's grinding in 7th grade, by the way?

We were bumping and grinding. You were by the Frootopia machine. I got in there. We just established. We write the history over here. No, and I would wait and I would build up the courage and I would ask one girl to slow dance before the end of the dance. Nice.

I mean, I guess 7th grade, we had one. I guess you had one a year, maybe? We used to have Catholic school dances when I was a kid. CYO would put it on. And when you were a public school kid and you went to the Catholic school dances, there was always going to be a fight. Yeah, that was the same with us. I think that's why boys fight at dances.

They don't look like idiots being all insecure. Yeah, I'd rather get beat up than try to do the macarena. I think that's a great point. When I saw that limbo pole came out, then having your friends watch you move your hips. That's way worse. It was, man. We did skating parties, too.

We had skating parties for like one every marking period. So it'd be like, you know, four a year or something. Fifth sixth grade. And skating with a girl was big. You would like her, she would ask a friend, like it would be like, it was like the UN organizing it, you know what I mean? Like, would you skate with Tiffany later? I was that guy, too.

I would keep the roller skates on, but I would like hang out over by the snack bar. No way. I never went out on the floor. Never once. I was an arcade guy. You went snack bar. I'd go to the arcade. We respected each other's tribes. I was like, snack kids.

I was moving and shaking. Doing the backwards skate. To everything. Slap and hand. Too socially anxious and too uncoordinated at the time. Really, you seem like a cool guy. I'll tell you what. Shout out to Roller Ring Pizza.

Woo! Roller Ring Pizza. Baby. The Lish. All right. What else you got? I don't got much, man, to be honest with you. I think I pretty much...

I settled my case. Do you have an attached snow plow in the front yard of your house? Is there any cars that don't run out there? I'm seeing something in front of your garage that shouldn't be there. There's some old bikes or maybe some wood. Is there some plywood that never got situated? There's a lot of fitness equipment that I don't use that's just all over the place. Outside of the home?

Sometimes. I had a tire in the back for a minute. It made fucking rings in the lawn. Your dad was probably pissed you killed the lawn. A tire in the back? I wasn't young either. This is too weak to know what you mean. All right, that's hurtful.

What was the tire from? Was it off your car? No, it's a truck tire. You go to a truck stop to get it for that CrossFit shit. You get it for free. You got any tires down here, dude? Put it in the back of your Honda Fit. And they were happy to see me.

They were like, yes, sir. I can picture your dad, what's that for? Sitting in the backyard. We used to do something with tires that was pretty trashy is they would take tires in the early 80s. They would invert them and you would make a flower pot out of them. Oh, they would turn them inside out. That was big. I like that.

That's a good one for all three of you. Seasonal question. Have you ever gone with your family and cut down your own Christmas tree? Like knock onto a lot. You like went and procured your own tree from the forest. No. We cut down a tree in our yard that we used as our Christmas tree. Holy shit. And it was basically a bush.

And I don't think it was. It was an oak tree. Yeah, it wasn't a spruce or what are they called? Douglas fir. You fucked me up with it. How can I not think of a pine tree? Yeah, it was not a pine tree. Part of the value of the property. It was on the property line.

You got to ask the neighbors if you could take it. Hey, can we use this for Christmas? It had leaves on it, I believe. Jesus Christ. No, I've never done that. We were always just went and got them. You know, always my step that always knew a guy who had something going on. You know, I don't know.

We always know somebody that selling something. We have like a meat guy. We got a tree guy. You got a car guy. We have one of everything. But you know, yeah, like we knew the guy selling them or something in the parking lot. Cash deal. Yeah, go give him 40 bucks or whatever he straps it on the car. You hit the bricks.

I remember when I was younger, we had some work done on the house that was strictly cash. It was paid with cash. There was a credit card or payment price. And then there was a cash price. The cash price was always lower. I remember I'd be like 13. I'd be like, go ask him how much it is. It's 1200 or something.

I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm a child. That wants to know what the cash price is. That's pretty cool, Dad. I didn't see that. It was a little deniability in case of racketeering charges. Yeah. I think it's more likely what it was.

I think we got one or two more from the fans. Please. This is from Dennis. You got a wild ass last name. So Dennis A. I'm going to call you. Do you still hang on to old cell phone? This is from the Facebook group. Do you still hang on to old cell phones just in case?

I don't trust them. I don't trust them either, dude. You open up my fucking mom's drunk drawer. I got a whole stack of fucking iPhones. The only thing I would do with them is take them and throw them in the river. Do you guys trust getting them fixed? I don't even like dropping them off to get them fucking fixed, man.

What? Have I got a 20-year-old? I don't think I've ever had a cell phone fixed. I do lease them, so I give them back to them. See, I never do that. I keep them. I don't care. I'll show you.

They always ask for the password. And I'm like, no. I hate that, dude. I don't think I've ever given anybody my password. That's why you got to go to iFixit off the Clark red line stop. They do it right in front of you, right there, and they'll take it in the back.

See, Jerry, you have to take it in Rosemont. He won't rip you off. Great question. Yeah, that was from the Facebook group. Two paranoid to ever get rid of a phone. They roll on the same page there, too. Yeah, I think everybody is. I don't trust them.

This is from the patrons from Katie Wolston. Have you ever thrown up in the bathroom after taking a bad shot and not told anybody? Then I just went back out to the party. Oh, yeah. That's my fucking move, dude. Come back like a champion. Yeah, fucking throw it back, and then you feel it.

You're like, I got about nine seconds to get to the mage room or outside. I was going with smoke, and then just like, behind a cab or something. Remember when I puked her before I went on stage? It was like $1 million. Right in the fucking room. It feels good.

You were like Rocky going out the fight, where meanwhile it was like six people in the village lanterns. Wait, you threw up before you went on stage? Yeah. I was going to ask you, have you ever... It was the microwave shrimp. Got to be careful with that, I hear. Have you ever left the toilet clogged

and blamed it on somebody else, or took a smelly, smelly poop and blamed it on somebody else as somebody else was coming into the bathroom? Yeah. I don't know why I toned for my sins, but I did used to blow up a girl's house, and she lived there with two female roommates, and I feel bad about that to this day.

I would wake up, hung over, and I was too socially anxious at my job to take a gnarly shit there, so I just crushed her bathroom. And then you would head off in the... I would leave. And then these other two attractive women would wake up and go use their one bathroom.

Was it ever brought back up to you by the woman? I thought it was great that it wasn't thrown in your face. I liked that. Skater on that, I still think about that. I remember one time, years ago, woke up at a girl's house, after a night of fucking just drinking, just partying,

and I went into the bathroom, and I was like, I'm gonna fucking... It just hit me, out of note. I'm like, I'll get out of the house, but she lived in the other side of the town, so I don't know where it can go. I got seconds, dude, and I fucking leveled this place. And we shared a wall with her room,

so she just heard me like... I was peeing out of my butt. It was whistling. Did you turn the shower on? I think I turned the sink on for a little bit, but then I'm like, I don't know what to do. It was just like so bad. I'm like, I just owned it.

I'm like, yeah, I'm just leveling this place. Wait a minute, I've never even thought of that. You turned the shower or the water on while you're taking a dump? I'd rather have them hear me. Levels of sound defense, dude. I'll take a shower. Why is he taking a shower? I'll take so many showers.

I'll take a shower. I'd rather her go, I know he's pooping, but I can't hear it, rather than I know he's pooping, and I hear the violence. It was the violence. Have you ever puked on a shit? I don't think so. Oh, God.

What, like fucking Burning Man or something like that? Have you ever shit and thrown up in the tub? No, never. I've never double dipped like that. I'm too conscious of clogging the tub drain. Throwing up on top of a poop that was in a toilet? That is correct. It's not like he's not choosing to do it.

You know, it's in voluntary action. I can still judge, thank you. Holy cow. Man, this is a tough one to call, I feel. What the fuck are you talking about? If it helps, I was in one of the other places. I was in one of the other places. I was in one of the other places.

I was in one of the other places. If it helps, I was in Wawa and flip-flops like six hours ago. Yeah. All right. That's it. He's trash, ladies and gentlemen. The guy's trash. Fucking 100% USDA Prime Garbagio. Yeah. Holy shit. I'm coming home.

We did it, Dad. Woo. That's my son right there. Lives upstairs. Buddy, we love you. That was absolutely fucking fantastic. So fun, dude. Thank you. What an interesting peek into the life of Chris Wood. I love it. Is there anything you want the folks out there to know

what you got coming up other than make sure they check out oral presentations? No, it's about it. Thanks. Thanks for listening. Yeah, check out oral presentations if you got a second. It's a fantastic podcast, buddy. We're happy to have you here. This was awesome. Yeah, buddy. Kippy, what do you got for the gang? As always, please make sure you subscribe on iTunes,

full video available on YouTube, also patreon.com. Like we said, a lot of fucking great content is going up there. We appreciate all the support. Honestly, it fucking means the world to us. Thank you so much for fucking supporting us as we get this off the ground. Matt Cameron comedy on all social media. Check it out. And shout out to that Facebook group. You guys are fucking animals. Facebook group is fucking.

Fucking. Love yous. Yeah. Absolutely love yous. Shout out to our producer extraordinaire, Toby McMullin. T-Bone. Hey, thanks for tuning in, guys. Tell a friend if you got a favorite app or a clip, drop it in your group text. Spread the fucking word. Yeah, Toby's looking to get paid and we ain't got no game.

And if you're looking for a good potato pancake, go to Caesar Linsky's over there in Rosemont. Not Old Town. The Old Town location sucks. Go to Rosemont. Goodbye, everybody. Peace.