Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Citizens Arrest w/ Jeremiah Watkins

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by good friend Jeremiah Watkins! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Indochino: https://www.Indochino.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Manscaped: https://www.manscaped.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Shiver to me Timbers gang we got a hot new merch shop that's live right now over there at rugarpage.com pick yourself up a t-shirt or a zippo style lighter and you can get your tix there too it's your one stop shop for everything AYG yeah gang we got a few shows left on the first leg of the tour we're coming through Florida we got a few tickets left in Tampa then we got Dania Beach Florida we got Raleigh North Carolina we got Louisville coming out we got Cleveland and Columbus get those tickets these shows are selling out we'll see you out there gang we love you rugarpage.com welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast this is our

you garbage hey it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I figure it to be classy yeah they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host Hates Foley coming at you on a beautiful day we're out back here at Tooties in the new edition baby if you're stopping by use the side door she's upstairs stretching her legs okay spreading them have you want to look at it my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the CEO of are you garbage he is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for kj kevin james ryan hey what's up gang thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you're right when you subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube as you know those numbers are

then obviously the greatest gosh darn website of all time www.patreon.com slash are you garbage baby where the magic happens where the rubber hits the road check it out gang over two bajillion hours of content over there keeping me in tober loans lately hey and that patreon's all right how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good works to ones works to twos the threes and the fours he crosses the t's and he dots the eyes and now ladies you can get a little peek at him on the toby cam there he is give it up for t-bone mcscruffens toby mcballon everybody what's up dude hey pal we got the good homie in the addition man i shared a hotel room with this guy so you know he's down man that hotel room must be stunk

yikes dominoes and athletes foot but gang along here ain't lying we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and i mean incredibly special guests back with us again today he's family at this point as we say he's out here in the new addition and he has a brand new special out right now on his youtube page called daddy give it up for the one the only jeremiah what but there he is there he is i just noticed a t-shirt did you get that before after the special are you garbage if you make your own shirt with your own special on it to come on are you garbage i mean that's a pretty nice shirt right it's kind of from the future a little bit from the yeah you look that's that's got that looks like you joined a cult dude that's got a little bit of fucking that's got a little pizzazz

on it did you just beat up marty mcfly jr it's a good it it's a good idea it's got a good collar right oh no no it's a good cut it's got real burlington coat factory t-vi right right that shirts discontinued for sure definitely bought it with a gift card kind of a shirt yeah did you get it did it was it like that or did you have it made i had this made really yeah good man you think he was in a tj max it was like no fucking way yo no way dude i can't believe i found this this is fate man data looks good congratulations on the grass oh thank you very much excited for you we were hanging out there in austin a little bit with you yeah good to see you here at toadies what were you saying about this muckbanger what are you talking about okay my mind almost blew out of my head when

i found out that you have never heard of a muckbang before uh-uh heard of a guest and sounds like a porno move if you ask me have you ever heard of a muckbang before i've heard of it but i don't know if i know all the i think i know it through you okay we need to do the next time i'm on can we do an inaugural are you garbage muckbang better believe it it's gonna be amazing we're gonna get there are trashiest foods possible okay we you can order a bunch of stuff either from a fast food restaurant or it can be from childhood memories of stuff maybe i'll have some homemade white trash recipes that i'll bring from kansas city in iowa from back on the day okay we'll bring an end we feast on it review it tell the the viewers about it it'll be awesome so what is it just a smorgasbord of

trash food a huge amount of food it can be anything it can be any kind of food but people review and it's like mass quantities of food okay okay and you review it you review it you tell the people what what it tastes like it's called lunch every lunch is a muckbang i'm only so strong here some guy walks in with nine pizzas not now i think you're the wrong floor sir um what would be some of your trashy recipes from from back home uh well frikasy frikasy i've never heard of that i just saw it in fargo oh what is it i don't know i thought you would know you're the midwest guy no um have you ever heard of a pizza boat fully the first mate baby let's go my family came over on a pizza boat hi hi captain whatever whatever kind of pizza boat you need me on we didn't land on papa john's

papa john's landed on us the sea of marinara part of the red sea of marinara it's so good what's the fuck's a pizza boat so i i never thought i'd have to answer that question why is the pizza boat what are we talking about uh it's basically i'm gonna pizza be a boat yeah out of water league sin i mean it goes all the way back to christopher columbus the need of the paint of the santa mariana pizza boat my phone go an hour behind them yeah yeah it's like oh i'm feeling sluggish for some reason yeah it's uh it's uh a french bread loaf okay the you cut in half okay and the bottom half looks like a boat uh huh i mean in loose terms for sure i'll give you that no you can you can get inside this boat okay and then you you have your your homemade uh marinara

sauce that you put on it okay and then sometimes you put either hamburger meat or sausage and then pepperoni you put it in the oven and it takes about 10 15 minutes to a crisp you got yourself a pizza boat have you ever had a stromboli skateboard that's my favorite mom get me the meatloaf tub you take a stromboli pull wheels on it to a kickflip um what are your thoughts on stromboli by the way you strumbly do you have any on you i like stromboli yeah what you what would you say you're too but you too my favorite soup no no what is your favorite soup though i were on it well one of my favorite soups my mom makes a 15 bean soup that's pretty good that's 15 beans in it there's 15 kind of beans 15 different kinds of beans i don't even know there's

that many man oh there's i don't know how does he count there's so many different kinds of beans damn yeah okay it was just 15 beans in the whole whole who knows he's got a fucking pizza boat yeah i'm a pontoon pizza boat talking about natural selection if you get a bean you live for another couple days nothing i don't get it because that would be the hearty part of the soup that was the thing if it was just 15 beans where was like you know the french how they put little toys in the cakes and stuff like that around new year's eve sure whatever anyway stromboli we're talking about here stromboli muckbang come and see me uh clamp chowder chili um like a crepe lock soup sometimes crepe lock what the fuck is that yeah Jewish deli soup yeah

yeah creamer made him remember i got crepe lock over the mrs uh whatever name was yeah yeah yeah okay yeah well for you i mean you eat very shitty for your you have a you know a boyish figure to you if i might say he keeps it tight yeah toby and i did share a room uh we very romantic upstate new york and all yeah that wasn't that long ago either yeah yeah and he uh he made fun of me because uh i was running in place in in bed when you sleep before i i wind down do you remember this yeah like under the sheets he was like like rubbing his legs together rubbing your legs together i understand what is that to burn some calories or something well the sheets are cold so you gotta heat up i'll give you that you gotta generate some friction down here sleeping like a

goddamn cave man like he was trying to make a dick fire yeah i was like fred flint stoning hiding the sheets i rub my feet together as i fall asleep like if i'm laying on my side i'll rub my pig it releases mustard gas everybody hit the deck okay yeah huh did you guys get takeout do you get something ordered in the room what we just ate a lot of dominoes box in there somewhere we just a lot of stuff at the club right yeah comedy club food a lot of chicken tendies a lot a lot of that and then there's like a diner that we went to got like milkshakes at or something like that i'm a big late night milkshake guy really yeah yeah do you work out what's the workout regimen looking like because you tag us in videos that you eat and you know 500 doritos at 4 p.m.

are you by the way i am how old is a fellow are you by the way 34 damn and you still got the metabolism like that it's starting to it's starting to dip a little bit really yeah yeah i gotta i gotta be mindful because uh when i started eating too much started getting a little titties okay yeah so i keep you around titties at titties hello uh the little guy your your son he's eating solid food now he eats everything yeah yeah yeah and he gets he gets after it oh yeah he'll eat something like he'll eat spicy stuff because he'll eat spicy stuff he'll eat talkies and different stuff like that and he'll he got a baby eating talking yeah that's crazy dude gonna take him away you can't do that fucking child's protective services who gave this baby flaming hot cheetos he

loves him he's over there the doctor he's like he's like he's eating like like hot chips and something smoking black and wilds he doesn't but he doesn't he likes it but he doesn't know like he like his limit so he just keeps eating him and he goes and they'll put another one in his mouth i'm like does it realize where it's coming from yeah yeah he's like this tastes good but those talkies are tough to stop man once you open that bag you're in for a long they're addicting oh they're good i like the trader joe's one's more than the uh dude yeah i can just so good well we we know you do you know you do have a palette of uh you know a dirt bag for sure which we respect but how do you do you go the other end do you ever go off for like a real nice dinner

any ever high end estate something nice you in the lake house what's a date night looking with you in the you and the misses well you're gonna give us your last one was the last date this is gonna be bad it was probably cheesecake factors or something like that which you know i didn't experience until probably a little more recently a couple of years ago probably it's fantastic i dude i love it it's nice in there it's pretty clean the menus are endless we call the the brown bread chocolate bread chocolate it's so good we always say yeah i know it's rye or something it's bumper nickel but we're like can we get more of that chocolate bread over here and how much are your pizza boats yeah okay cheesecake that's a night out what do you get cheesecake you guys

share a couple i can't hate on that's all right it's nice um yeah we'll share maybe like an appetizer i mean we might go during the happy hour hello get some half price menu items and stuff like that yeah i like it but it's like they've got the mac and cheese burger there's really good what what okay it's really good never when i see such a day i didn't even know there wasn't mac and cheese burger it's mac and cheese infused with the burger i i feel like there's some sort of dory and gray thing where the food you eat makes fully fatter yeah there's something happening there's a wormhole right here you eat a couple of spaghetti burgers boy i swear to god i haven't had one in months is traveling via my nose end of holy well you shit you and your uh lady

will you guys share food like is it you get this and share or is it you got your we we like doing no i like always like even with friends all i like doing family style where gentlemen like pick a couple good man right split it down the middle passing around that's the way to go i'm anti that why yeah why i want the dish i ordered you can tell you have a day something's yours maybe but i want the i want the whole i feel like i'm missing out if i could i have a little this a little that i want to i want to finish my plate and go i i've eaten all i wanted to eat a weird guy we shared an app at parry's for the pork chop bites do we want to get into that you had your own appetizer and you jumped on mine as well if we're being honest and i was skimped a little

bit i had like two p two little bites like he's over there eating like a cob salad you want some of this i'm like what did i get i can't remember okay if you pay for the tab or the bill whatever are you offended if somebody takes home their leftovers no no i think we talked we talked about this with bobby lee i believe and i think we would have talked about it when the four of us went out to the diner no i think he gets pissed he gets fewer he bobby will get pissed he refuses to let you do it i used to go on the road with him for years and he does he want to take him home no he doesn't he goes you're taking my money home that's what he that's how he feels yeah you're just hey you're taking my 11 dollars worth of your crab cakes so yeah so just if you don't finish it you

leave it i am i'm a huge leftovers fan so like when like when you brought a bobby like that blows my mind when people like are weird about that i don't take leftovers i never have leftovers i've stated this a lot i think inherently they're trashy i don't take them because i eat whatever is there if i like my meal i eat the whole thing till the point where my stomach hurts and if i don't like it i don't finish it ergo i don't want to take it home with me for the next day my wife does it my wife takes the stuff home but i just never eat it again but if you're paying does that give you prima nocta on the fucking leftovers i respect the power move to face throw it in somebody that's a real or do you have dickhead do you have the power to when you pay you take someone's leftovers with

you home that's the move bro yeah that's the power move that i want to know yeah wrap this up yeah yeah wrap it up uh i'm taking all this home you do have that right i feel like you do you technically do technically that is your property it's theoretically the possession is nine tenths of the law here yeah huh it's wild but just take out of the park a lot and smash it on the ground yeah yeah this isn't good enough for anybody huh yeah i mean leftovers are a big thing i it's not my cup of tea typical but what's the nicest dinner you and your lady have gone to you're making me feel insecure right now and that i should be taking my wife out to more places because i can't think of i can't think of what's an anniversary looking like norms for a price menu though we're not doing happy hour

now we'll do um we'll split a belgium waffle we'll do like sushi or something like that okay once she's not pregnant okay you can't yeah you can't do the sushi when you're pregnant at all the whole time hold you can't do sushi you can't do deli meats and something like the nitrates or something yeah with with turkey and different hammers stuff like that it's no good for the baby eggs yeah so i feel like that's recent i only just started hearing that a couple of years ago there's weren't doing that there's no way yeah there are you cold cuts i mean come on sure smoking burnies the whole time yeah i assume my mom was ripping heaters while i was in there she's probably doing it during labor dude yeah talking about something push mrs folly

uh doc you gotta light that push this fat bastard out i'll hold him when i'm done smoking yeah she puts it down like walking into a 7-11 i'll be right back oh that's great what's uh what are what are you uh what's a vacation looking like you know it's tough because we travel so much we did one that worked out that was one of my favorite vacations i've ever gone on with my wife i was performing in uh honolulu there you go and i took my wife with me that's great we had uh family uh watch our baby and we literally it was just my wife and i went to hawaii is this recently yeah in the summertime nice it was one of the best trips

stay white key key that's my turf that's my island over really yeah big honolulu yeah okay yeah honolulu love it a wahoo the whole island yeah it's some of the best fresh fish i've ever had it was because they talkies i've ever had they should they import them specifically over the cheesecake factory over there is unbelievable yeah do you remember where you ate over there um there were just some like some of the bowl places um pokey's the pokey bowls unbelievable not a pokey at the supermarket over there shout out to food it's so good it was like uh right around sounds like your dream world food and here i am in food food top quality operation over there i'll tell you that yeah the the pokey bowls and different stuff like that uh oh and then we also ate at like um it was a it's a

famous uh diner place there zippies is it yeah so it's called zippies or l&l lunch i don't know probably zippies famous diner it'd be zippy you you know honolulu this well yeah my got some my girls show you think he's fucking with you yeah no i thought he was i know for i picked up on no not at all oh you're like yeah i love i love honolulu he's like oh yeah do you yeah do you see that in the playback yeah yeah oh yeah oh do you fatty yeah your fat ass there but i'm Delaware no my girls family's from there so okay cool i love it oh do you love a while oh that explains the hawaiian shirts you wear you're mr hawaii huh okay the diner is called zippies okay yeah good shit yeah really good Korean fried chicken in there's fantastic oh with a little bit of eggs

yeah a mac salad i love those mac salads those are good yeah tibbon you're a mac salad guy are you i am no celery please though i don't like the crunch i don't know what a mac salad is what it's cold macaroni mayonnaise it's fucking fire yeah yeah it's really do they have that everywhere what you never had that growing up in a cook oh macaroni salad yeah i don't know why i was thinking i was thinking poke a bowl mac salad i didn't know where i was okay you've never had burning mac salad yeah yeah i ain't scaredy you know yeah it's kind of dj with it yeah huh burning mac sounds not bad burning mac sounds are good for burning mac salad yeah we were doing uh we were doing uh we were driving through Oklahoma city where toby keith is from and for some reason we started doing uh toby

keith robinson so toby keith lyrics in keith robinson's voice toby keith robinson that's great oh she left me took the kids dummy we never really perfected yeah we never really if we're being honest we love the idea of the character but we all tried for about 20 minutes and no line ever i don't know any toby keith lyrics yeah but toby toby keith robinson's all right shout out to keith all right let's do as you know gang when you sign up for the old patreon you get your questions right in the air we have mr jerry merrick we have mr jerry mr pizza boat jerry myawatkins brand new special out right now on his youtube page called daddy you gotta check it out because we love him kippy hit him what's okay i don't like when you thought that

that hard that hard hard toss over so on that kippy now all right gang uh let's see this is math w ten dollars stakeholder in your organization love shout out to you never have one read have you or anyone in your family hold on have you or anyone in your family ever been in a police lineup not a police lineup but i've bailed a family member out before local it was local we're talking about federal what are we doing here i was local i'm not gonna say the family sure yes of course but uh uh it was um it was like four o'clock in the morning and i had that's one of those calls usually yeah yeah it's not very business i had to go to county and uh because they were in uh they were in a the like a drunk tank drunk sure right and everybody's main mistakes i had to get i used

to work at a car wash so i i want to know what the car wash has to do with i had to give them free turtle wax to get them out i did everything in that car wash what was okay everything can i tell you this didn't have a good name to it waterway yeah that's pretty good overland park kansas waterway what up uh one summer uh a friend of our family was opening up a car wash they opened the car wash me and my buddy both got jobs there one of my favorite summers of all time dude i love great summer job you're clean you feel fresh the cars look good you get a little color you doing in the winter hours they crazy oh year round yeah what the fuck that oh dude that was i would wash cars when it was 17 degrees outside uh yep and what was it an automatic thing and you

just buffed them down at the end you put it on like the the dolly like the tracks and then once it comes out on the other side you drive it out and then that's when you either you know just wipe it down or detail it depends on what kind of package they get it's written on the window another nice deal you wipe the i was always the coolest part of any job in the world to me was when it rolls off and they you slowly walk in and hop in it's like you're like ghost riding the thing oh yeah i was like man when i when i'm when i'm 16 i want to be doing that i stay in i stay in the car for those you can yeah the really expensive cars they would make you do that because they don't want to fuck i we don't want the chance of like any kind of thing rolling off or but certain certain cars are

so low to the ground you can't take a Lamborghini through those automated systems sure well how am i going to clean my Lamborghini yeah get somebody over to the place was that a big problem out there a lot of Lamborghinis coming through they would be people that are like hey and we're like your car is too rich for us we can't we can't wash that on it yeah insurance won't cover yeah we had a lady drive through it with a minivan she was an idiot and didn't realize that you pull up and you know put it in neutral she went right through it shut us down for about two weeks the owner freaked out like what the fuck is wrong with you yeah they got it's got to be crazy liability crazy driving other people's car that whole thing's got to be all first time drivers i learned how to drive stick

at the car wash like pulling on like sports cars like killing it over oh dude i would see them through the window and they would get so heated when they'd hear me killing their car like can't let's talk about indochino baby indochino let's talk about wedding season coming up you gotta look fresh you're gonna be dropping money on gifts you're gonna be dropping money on hotels do yourself a favor pick yourself up a suit that doesn't break the bank baby with a custom fitted suit from indochino you can look like a million bucks without draining the bank account yeah you know what i'm saying fantastic you gotta play it smart you can customize every detail of your suit shirt dinner jacket whatever you want stunning colors beautiful beautiful stuff yeah

they got stores you can go into you can do it online as well you get your exact measurements you create a suit that fits you and your style you customize the fabric the lapel shape at a monogram whatever you want um you check out indochino's custom fitted shirts and casual you'll have an entire personalized wardrobe for the whole the whole season baby there you go rsvp knowing you got the perfect look all wedding season from indochino go to indochino.com and use code garbage uh to get 10 off any purchase of $3.99 or more baby there you go they come correct and you get to wet your beak a little bit baby that's indochino i n d o c h i n o dot com promo code garbage one more time indochino dot com promo code garbage do it kip how about manscaped

oh you mean the best in the biz manscape this summer is coming up you know what the birds do in the summer they get everything all cleaned up down there you don't want to look like the uh the hippie from the 70s as your owner on the beach in your little uh banana it looked like it looked like you got a goddamn woolly mammoth down there do yourself a favor get over to manscape pick up that lawn mower 4.0 all included in the performance package 2.0 which you're going to get the waterport cruelest body trimmer you're going to get the weedwacker 2.0 which is perfect for doing the ears the nose hair all that kind of stuff you got to keep it tight guy and manscapes got you covered yeah you can refresh your balls with the crop reviver ball toner baby keep mine

looking pizzite the crop preserver ball deodorant whatever you need uh to make this summer the best one yet manscaped has an awesome deal for our listeners as they always do you get 20 off in free shipping with the code garbage at manscape dot com that's 20 off and free shipping with the code garbage at manscape dot com trim your chesticles with the besticles manscape dot com promo code garbage do it baby yeah now back to the show i was a valet for a summer and that's how i learned just it was at a car dealership guy would bring in a and they were like hey we have to teach you how to drive stick because i didn't know yeah so somebody the next they're like next car that comes in stick just take it in the back and burn up that clutch out of it for a little while hey

he's that's how you learn it shouldn't have been driving a sly on man i don't know what to tell you so i took tips from the car wash uh-huh to bail this family member out because and it was literally it looked like i had just gotten off shift at a strip club because it was all ones and so i literally it was a couple hundred dollars in ones that i put a stack like to get my family member out i respect that i want to say what age we talking were you uh i was probably like 17 uh uh probably uh more like 18 or 19 were they younger or older uh the person who i was bailing out yeah they were older okay that's a good kid right yeah yeah yeah you definitely got a thanks buddy yeah gonna give you a good kid yeah yeah okay you're back uh i think i think so i don't think so yeah

we out there like dog the bounty on her yeah chasing him dad are we going to denny's now what are we doing yeah uh he's got the bond on him you're tracking him down all right Jeremiah Watkins is um this is what this one's from ib also ten dollar new ten dollar shareholder haven't had one read is a garbage if you've ever played someone they're not is it garbage if you've ever played someone under citizen's arrest the amount of balls it takes to you'll stop your under citizen's arrest yeah that's crazy is that a real thing toby give that a good i think we might have talked about this years ago i or it could be wrong it isn't hard feelings or something i think you can there has to be some sort of like let you can't do it for like speeding or something right it's got to be some level of

like like a big like a violent crime or something right something like that like yeah i think you had to like see it in the act that's that's true you're coming down that way yeah that's it that's my collar i think yeah if somebody was on like if you see like a person or something yes like and they're like trying to hold up the plane i think you can if you get them down to the ground you're under citizen's arrest you gotta yell it oh you're under citizen's arrest you're not whispering you're under citizen's arrest you have a right to remain silent fuck what's the rest of it where you see the movies where's law and order when you need it yeah yeah don't don't would you step in if somebody was if somebody was acting up on an airplane not like a

terroristic threat but like a drunk guy maybe or would you just fall back somebody that was like if they were being belligerent to uh like the flight attendants and like because there was a guy not that long ago it was a couple weeks ago that they had to make an emergency lane that the guy got up and had a fork in his hand or a knife or something and he was like threatening the stab the the flight attendant a bunch of dudes stood up and fucking house this guy yeah and he got the seatbelt extender wrapped around your head for a rest in a flight yeah would you would you would you step in depends how tired i am it depends it depends like excuse me uh i'm trying to listen to my ania right now and fall asleep hey guys i'm right in the middle of shawshank here you're

killing me it's tough that doing anything it's obviously proximity if you're like eight rows back and someone's yelling it's like that's impossible excuse me three people have to if you got a window seat you're jammed up yeah if you're a row coming by the way your covers blown there's no way you can sneak attack on a plane sometimes the flight attendants get mad at you like all of a sudden you're escalating well i'm always a window guy so right away plausible deniability right away exactly i love to help you out but i'm jammed up listen i got the tray out yeah i think that like it'll almost be more annoying for me to be like excuse me excuse me i have to go uh help with this altercation that's going on right here he can beat up just go back and sit yeah you sit down

that did not end well excuse me got my hand excuse me excuse me i promise this will be the last time i go to the bathroom what's your citizen's arrest story all right private persons may only arrest those offenders who are in fact guilty of any offense so you gotta be real certain that they're the damn that's what i think it's like in the moment like you see someone steal someone's purse and you try you know you have a bulletproof case trip them up or something exactly uh can you get in trouble if you falsify citizens arrest oh i'll get on that in a second uh but uh the practice dates back to medieval england and the english common law in which sheriffs encourage ordinary citizens to help apprehend lawbreakers that's old school shit right there yeah that's a

fucking lazy sheriff right now damn well yeah that's pretty uh how we always wanted that so you always want to do that's you know jam someone up so you'll everybody just say i'm a cop at that point instead of saying citizens arrest then i'd arrest you why fucking impersonating an officer none of them saving lives oh i don't know let me on the force hey guys make a deputy for a day or something that'd be all right uh get deputized a couple of regulators riding through um get some nickel all right let's see here this is from shawn uh as a kid you ever go out to get something to eat with your buddy and their dad and they and he only gets food for himself and his friend because you're not my kid whoa god damn wait say that slower yeah there's an error in it that's why i

stumbled you ever go get something to eat with your buddy and their dad and they only get food for himself and and your friend because in quotes you're not my kid that's a shitty dad right there that's because that was the whole fun of going out with your buddy's parents you knew they were fucking paying yeah they're footing the bill yeah what do you mean will you buy your kid's friends talkies or is that just for him uh yeah it's gonna happen it's gonna happen for sure talkies if you take it if when your son gets older you guys if he's got a buddy over come on we're going to get pizza you're not fucking sending him a Venmo request now what if it's your son and his step brother from the marriage that is not happening with you wait say that slower that's real trashy

by the way is this your family no no no like i there's gotta be situations out there where so it's your son and his his mom's other new brother wait that is connected to a different dad but is he now your technical step son no no so you what you're saying is they're their friends and they're going out but like you're like you and let's say you and your wife got divorced your wife remarried yes um had a guy had a that guy had a kid from another marriage too i mean yeah you're the adult you got it what you're gonna ice the kid i will put my foot down on that go find your dad go find the one no you're not i ain't the one all right go get a job boy go work in a car wash do some earn some money get yourself some goddamn pizza money that's something that would really bother

my dad that would have pissed my dad off if he would if he would know something like that i remember one time when i first saw the landscape on this place uh these two guys it was the end of the day they were my bosses they i didn't have any money on me and they went into 7-eleven and didn't ask if i wanted anything and i was starving and they didn't say a word they got in the car we drove home and somehow it came up in conversation and i was like yeah they didn't get me anything my dad fucking hated those guys really yeah yeah he hated them well well that's co-worker jobs like camaraderie sure when you're when you're under someone else's care it's kind of like you're lumped in with them to take care of their kids there you go that's that's uh you got to look at it

i know you're a good dad you you would definitely get the kid stuff no we wouldn't you wouldn't no fuck him thank you i'm right i don't know why you're taking it so serious we're clearly doing it for you like your eye because i've been that little bad kid before also you said you were working that was different yeah you should have had money you probably blew it all on drugs or something you idiot i wouldn't buy the fat drug addict food either if he was blowing his money hey buddy you're stuck with money i mean if you have a job you should have money listen you're under arrest for talking shit i would pop it off at the mouth i would buy you something but this is contributing to the problem fair enough yes i don't want to be an abler yeah that's good i got

the nitty gritty on citizens arrest go ahead lay it on me all right if you're citizens arrested in somebody and you fuck them up you break their nose you break their arm or something like that you rough them up you do this the hard way or the easy way yeah you're in the clear yes what oh man i so just wanted to punch foley right in the face right wait i don't know if you're gonna cold cock someone just yell citizens arrest right before you wait that's that that that's if they're convicted right yeah yeah well i would you if i'm in a bar fight and some guys like i'm gonna fuck you up i'll go that's a terrorist threat citizens arrest and nail them wow buddy kippy's beating the system over all right all right you only have one hour to detain the person

if if i have one hour and one minute the cops haven't shown up yet you gotta let him go that's an awkward conversation really oh one hour and then it turns into kidnapping right hey man i'm sorry about that things got crazy yeah things are a little weird you seem like a great guy like a free pizza domino really out of here 30 minutes that sucks that moment got the best of it that sucks oh my buddy was saying in texas he uh he caught a guy stealing his car and he held him called the cops and like held him and then because the cops just never showed so i just had to let him go oh he just like let him go and he ran away let him over the warning talk about a weird don't let me get you back here talk about a weird walk of shame just like looking back

me like are we still are we good now yeah you definitely run away yeah you do a couple of steps in a turn out to take off yeah i'm gonna give you the camera and to get you dirty no good uh that's a good one right there um all right let's see this is who this is from matthew is it garbage to post some messages on social media wishing your kid or family member a happy birthday and include a link to their cash at venmo or paypal i don't like the i don't i don't love it i kind of it depends on who that's for them that might be for like an aunt you know like it's not towards just like the random friend on facebook type thing it might be like hey you know your aunt or somebody goes oh it's toby's birthday i'd love to send them you know 20 bucks for a

beer it's always weird when people put it like on social media like hey it's my birthday here's my venmo i wasn't gonna send you anyway hey what are you why are you putting it out there that's crazy yeah that's i don't even really like the public birthday no i feel like a tax or a call my mom the immediate the older i get the more i'm like maybe it's better that nobody knows yeah new shit yeah that's half your security questions right there halfway through the vault be kidding me yeah i think i gotta figure out the name of my pet and i'm screwed uh like a jammy up i do kind i don't hate i know they catch shit but like you see on a car like hey bachelorette party send the bride a beer i kind of respect that i kind of like i'm a partier that's a good time that's fun

it's exciting i'll give i'd give you that yeah fuck that hope i'll get the kid something i don't i don't think i've ever done it but i do get it oh that's fun if you want to you know people are celebrating something i kind of get i kind of get that i can't stand a bachelorette party yeah you get invited to a lot of them i just can't go on one more bachelorette yeah i got the cowboy hat on and everything a couple of guys trying to hook up with the girls oh you got fully a tough break everybody's breaking up there all right i'm going to take Cindy hey toby you get the blonde that oh she's swinging a miss i'm the grenade you gotta jump on we're just doing your old bit

i don't know what i'll buy her a beer i guess any of that stuff is is weird so if your aunt if your aunt says hey i'm toby's aunt it's his birthday here's his venmo that's a little bit different yeah that's your aunt on somebody else's behalf yeah yeah that's that's your aunt looking at someone so it's graduating or something yeah if you do it it's bad but i think it's like hey happy birthday if you're like 18 or whatever hey happy birthday to toby your mom post it what's your instagram you know instagram had you know you can go buy whatever if someone were ever to publicly be like toby's venmo is and then a bunch of people send me cash i would hate that everybody send them requests don't send them cash and a request oh that's

that's evil right there oh venmo oh then you're looking at dick you don't ship the cash said that out oh that's getting some guys some guy hit me up on time for like eight bucks and he's like hey it's worth a shot you send me eight bucks i forget probably not my homie went viral on linkedin venmo requesting ceo's for a year's salary that's good it's like a hundred twenty five thousand dollar venmo request wow i respect that can you go viral on linkedin he did not a hundred percent sure i understand what that is uh yeah on linkedin viral is 10 people oh this kid who is he has a lot of connections on here that's where you that's where you post your jobs right what your title is yeah like not on linkedin no i want to get you on linkedin yeah

man you're not only come on that's you're a modern shaker yeah who's gonna hit me up hit me up anybody it's like monster dot com right no no it's like where you put like your professional resume yeah oh really you connect with other you can link up with other fat ass you've been doing that professionally for a while hey i've really seen you falling into your stride the past 18 months huh you're getting busted citizens are here take this your forehead's too big take it you down town buddy oh man we're having a good time with all j dogs uh jeffrey nicknames growing up uh j wat j dub wild thing who called you a wild thing uh my soccer team for years i was wild thing really oh yeah why did you make their hearts thing or something what's going on oh come

on hello it's something crazy uh i was a kid up or something i was uh state ranked as a goalie as a kid really yep and i was the only kid that uh coaches and teams that would see at my age that would completely lay out to block goals because you're a string bean too yeah kids were too uh well this is what i was fat uh kids would uh be too afraid to lay out or to challenge uh like in the in the box basically i would come out full force and i would jump on the ball get kicked in the face i'll just make sure that i was blocking goals you know that's good wild thing yeah it's all right yeah we had a bulldog in high school yeah him shy i'm calling the bulldog you had just one resting move he would just grab you by the top and just fucking i'll be away yeah you do this

thing where he's in an up your leg rub peanut butter in your balls and just go to town we called him the bulldog he's a nice guy he was super strong just fucking jack you and make you come quicker than a speeding bullet shout out to the bulldog hey buddy if you're out there call me out the one that got away best summer of my life man yeah you guys are about to feel real bad he died i'm fine i'm gonna still feel pretty good about that joke they were pretty good riffs man yeah the bulldog was all right wow good kid oh god my head hurts all right let's see here all right this one's from jaden is it garbage to save your 711 a cup your 711 cups to get a free refill yeah what are you to what yeah however no just to play double that we could hear if your regular morning routine

involves stopping at 711 and getting a sodie or something like your morning routine okay all right we got to get you on LinkedIn if you're on your way to work every day i could see saving the cup and then going in but when does the refill technically expire isn't it like from day to day i don't think ever where where we what's the one uh circle k we were in the middle of wherever you know what i mean driving up through the middle of the country and the people it was like you can buy like a monthly cup oh the big month do my hand is usable it was just like those big mugs are all and you would go in and get your 44 out it was like 44 ounces a day for like a dollar a day or something yeah so much coffee i remember one of my first this was soda

i remember one of my first roast jokes uh about a family member that my mom died laughing but she's like please never repeat this to any other family members is my aunt uh she was always hooked up to an oxygen machine and she um she had a mullet and she always had like one of those like cases like big mugs of like like pop that she'd drink and stuff like that and i said that she looked like Darth Vader with a mullet and my mom's like that's hilarious but please don't say that out loud again that's a rough one yeah yeah can we make it fun of your sickly family members like that yeah my one i'm gonna call uh pull a fully nothing on that my one aunt had an oxygen tank i mean we always had to be real careful around it yeah like smoke

near it and stuff like that well yeah i mean fire has her alone you shouldn't be smoking near a woman with an oxygen man she's had enough she used the smoke yeah no shit yeah that's a tough look um all right this one's from drew is it garbage you have to order drive through fast food from the backseat of someone else's car i don't think i've ever did that ever why in what scenario because i guess maybe they're not paying or maybe it's an uberb or a taxi jeremiah you're driving say the four of us are in a car yeah we're in your car we're out now like we pull up to it in and out are you handling the ordering fully what do you want toby what do you want kevin what do you want just you're doing that right

i'll do that or i'll do the thing where i'm like you can lean over me in order if it's a very specific order sure i understand both of that yeah either got a quarterback or go hey if you're not just getting a number with the transaction yeah i'll do i'll do the transaction sure the the two voices would bother me would bother me as an employee and i would if i was driving just tell me what you want we're not screaming at this person you know unless it is something real specific i sometimes make my girl do that i'm like lean over and tell them because you get something very specific at starbucks yeah i always fuck it up but from the i mean i like the idea though of someone being like so health conscious that they refuse to like they'll drive you to the

location but i'm not having any i don't want blood on my hand exactly exactly so it's like me driving fully in the back and i'm just like you order what you want that big uh jeez hey nothing on that i was talking about myself i don't think you call myself that sure i do it all time uh all right let's see here this is from justin is it garbage you use lava or gojo as your regular soap at home no you know the lava second it's like mechanics soap great it would be it's got like a little bit of pink there's pink stuff there's a lot of pink is king lava is uh lava's orange if i remember correct yeah it has pumice in it has lava rocks in it i mean that's all you're doing now with the high with the high end shit anyway by wd 40 there you go lava so

dude yeah it's like it's for mechanics it's like so you're not squeaking i mean my hand soap that i use sometimes is ajax like for like the dishes yeah that's all the same soap though yeah you meant like you just put like putting like powder like comment that's common that's common i think there might be powder i love throwing that up like what brawn whatever i'm doing dishes are you guys ready for dinner come on i love it dude scrubbing the tub with comet oh man you really see it get clean yeah love that stuff ajax is okay using using dishwashing so that's all the same don't all that stuff doesn't love that smell of palm olive oh it's good the green palm olive is good it takes me back hit a little different love that shit but lava's okay the high end stuff now all has

that exfoliating shit in it they the sugar scrubs and the this and that high end bars but that's not just the head of the game why not you're exfoliating yeah but it's not the the the issue isn't with the exfoliating the issue is with what the the stuff is in that that goop that's fucking heavy dude that ain't that's that's the clean carburetors and shit that you should have been washing your hands after you go to after you do number one that's probably a little garbage to have that as your go to so also it's like i don't know if you recall but the lava you had to like goop out with your hands and the lid was never on i've never lava been a bar lava soap no in a bar ours was the the orange like yay the citrus smell was great yeah i wish bar soaps would just

disappear and what places the bar soaps that are like to like at people's houses that you're a guest at the yes that you there should never be it's gross yeah dude there's a bar there used to be a bar soap in the in the parking garage it's not too far from like at seven elevens and stuff there should never be bars sure never a hundred percent a hundred percent but i prefer a bar at home personally i cleanse myself with bar out of the like if there was a bathroom like a half bath downstairs for people to you know to wash their hands still no bar of course no bar handsome yeah yeah handsome you know my my in-laws do which is a real nice thing they have uh no paper towels which you know is fought that but they have a bunch of like you go into like a nice steakhouse

they have a bunch of towels like washcloth no like to dry your hands with they're like thicker they're like thicker paper these are like they're there they're sent so almost like a like are they reusable reusable then you throw them in the the hamper or whatever each person you there's like a stack of like 12 of them oh no i'm talking about the things that are you throw them away now you're talking about paper towels essentially with a little bit of a little bit of they're real thick though they're real nice yeah no classy this is like a towel that you would have in like a nice restaurant like Gallagher's and then you throw it in the basket like you get a nice clean fresh dry sure i know what you're talking about yeah someone else's fucking wet towel what about a

hand towel you a hand somebody else's house hand towel that hand towel who knows what's going on with that i try not to think about it i try not to all right and i'm out they you can tell try to find a dry spot on it as soon as you put your hands on you're like oh this has been here for a while yeah this is fresh no no you can feel it right away i've got a i've got a joke about towels in my special that is yeah yeah it's gross yeah i was i think it was at aries first of i think i went to our i would not touch anything i went to pee at aries and there was already pee in the toilet i think this guy plays it fast about that life dude yeah and then i went to wash my hands and before i did i looked around i'm like yeah i'm gonna roll the dice on this one i'm not drying

anything i'm not touching anything in here arie would upper deck his toilet just to fuck with you yes yeah yeah just to make you think like did i just shit in here what's happening i mean yeah he is uh he is he is a madman uh all right let's see this one's from kenny new florida bozo never had one read is a garbage if your high school substitute teacher was in a rap group and tried to sell us merch in the middle of class holy shit i respect it baby constantly close them that's tough man how can you let the kids they would have to lose respect for you pretty quick there is no more unique group of individuals than the substitute teacher i don't know how it is now but back in the day back in the day there was special breed yeah did you have any like

because at times we had like you would get like the regulars you know what i mean there was this old guy that would come in he would complain that he didn't get paid enough to even get drunk on that's what he would say every day then there was like in school like in building ones that would like fill in yeah every day someone would call out of something and he would you know jump in did i ever tell you guys about my geometry teacher named uh gray garig i don't think so we call them g squared and this guy i was i apologize greg if you're out there i tormented this guy sure i um i took a picture of him in class oh no it's wild thing i took a picture of him in class like like looking straight into my camera because he's he turned like and i caught it the perfect time

we're talking disposable camera uh this was a digital camera okay so i went home and i printed it off and i i photoshopped or it was like word at the time i put i heart gray garig and i had a picture frame belt buckle and i wore it to school that's fun and so he saw it and he was like um Jeremiah could you uh not wear me as a picture shut up gray and i'm like nah i'm good and i just wore it because then it just looked like this weird teacher student relationship that was those things but it's probably jamming the guy he's probably gonna rest he's probably gonna rest it who knows uh shout out to g squared i remember we had one same thing was uh one teacher had like a nervous breakdown the like third week of school so then they had like a sub for a week

another sub for a week it was like when is she coming back who knows so then at that point you were getting like a cell a new sub every like three to four or five days so we knew we were like oh we don't have to fucking do shit there's nobody you know that's awesome they're just in there making sure we don't fucking kill each other yeah so there was like no put the movie on and shut up it was like some busy work and we're like and then after like the third week no one's even fucking checking this you know what i mean we're like fuck this then we got a guy who was like he's going to be the new permanent guy but like he found out after like two weeks they were like all right we're going to stick with like mr lands down or whatever the fuck his name was and uh but

that point nobody respected him because we thought he was a temporary guy right so now he's got a fucking he came in like we're like at that second week when he found out he was staying for good he came in different cops dude fucking slams the door should everybody sit down there's like a paper plane and we were like fuck you he's like i'm not taking that shit dude and he caught me fucking catching a heater on school property i was in my car technically not i was like on the parking i'll leave in the parking lot catching a mean one and uh he pulled up right next to me and i was shit and i hit it cars filled with smoke i'm bumping 50 cent shot up to the Chevy Illumina and then he brings me to school the next day he's like kevin uh i like made a joke or something

it was kind of one of the things i'm like let me see what he said i made a joke in the middle of class to see where we stood like if he saw me or whatever he's like i'll be talking to you after class and i was like oh fuck you got smoke on you hey buddy you got a light and he goes i you got i know one thing he goes i'm not a cool guy but i do know one thing smoking is not cool whoa full on after school special i don't know why you're telling me this dude i don't ever touch the stuff he's like i heard the 50 cent kevin i knew it was you i knew it was you yet richard i try and please i've told you this before kippy but Jeremiah we one of our subs in eighth grade talking prime time adolescent hormone age was a former playboy model what yeah she was an actress

and a play and a playboy model in in philly and man she got after it did you have any really attractive something yeah really yeah there's a couple what age there was one uh i mean there's one at certain ages when your hormones are pumping it could be you know it could be the 80 year old lady i'd still be thinking about it uh yeah enough beers you know what i mean there was one in grade school that uh just huge knockers that she didn't wear a bra and my friend swore he saw her nipple one day really and i you never know as kids but i saw it i saw it like she had huge boobs but she never wore a bra she never wore a bra damn yeah kind of alternative learning school did you go well that's what was weird this was a like a like a private christian school so like you would think

that somebody would say something to her but also at the same time they're so religious that they might be like well maybe i don't even know how to say it yeah like they they're not even aware she might not be even aware that her body is so big and real like it was yeah wild man that's fucked up the way kids yeah he's like he's like right my friend who saw he's like it was it was so milky and pure it was so gross the way he described it i was like what a response i know it was so gross the purest the purest bosom they were the purest kazongas i've ever seen my life supple nipples i've ever seen and i've only seen my mom's damn yeah no problem i wouldn't have got anything done yeah stumble around the hallway i just got distracted myself i mean the podcast almost

ended right there we almost all we all went whoop give me a minute uh we got time for a few more here this is from drew um is it garb just stay a few days at your local hotel slash motel door in a massive heatwave because your air conditioning at home just ain't cutting it i respect that very much so yeah you know what a staycation yeah yeah hit the pool why not uh-huh yeah i mean why yeah exactly why the fire you do it in new york sometimes when it's like the window when it's like crazy hot and people just leave they're like i'm gonna go visit somewhere i'm getting out of here yeah i'm going to see you know my parents in the suburbs or where it is get out of town that's classy if anything you got your you added a new room to

your home it's a new addition baby take over come on yeah you get to that hotel room oh dude because you ain't paying a goddamn bill run it up yeah yeah especially if you think you think about it if you go to like a cheap motel it's probably you know whatever it's pretty cheap they're always there on the ac like crazy you got a maid that comes in what is it about that some of those old hotel some of those old block units just the rooms are so small and those things just it drops down to 60 degrees crazy yeah yeah shout out to it boys uh this one's from drake ten dollar lehigh valley hoagie here never had one red is a garbage if your dad took you out of school every year to go camp out at the nascar race and dover for the weekend also

saw my first pair of tits there i was seven years old that's a good weekend right there man that's like a white trash bar mitzvah right there yeah that's all right would your parents ever let you get out of school for like a would you ever do vacation during the school year my mom was awesome about she she gave no f's with the school that we went to she pulled us out of school sometimes and they'd be like uh why mrs watkins are they sick what's going on she goes no we're gonna have a fun day today really shout out to that she would just tell the principal that we were having a fun day we would go get mcdonald's and just go to the park and play really yeah she would it was awesome it was like some of my best memories from childhood is she would sometimes

come in the middle of the day she's like we're leaving i'm like what and then we would go get mcdonald's and then we go to the park it was incredible it's gonna make me cry that's fucking awesome as yeah mickey d's when you don't see it coming everybody else is still locked up you're literally dead kids are looking like where are you going i'm like i guess i'm going i guess i have to call party see you losers later that's why they call me the wild see you around nerds see you greg squared i'm out that's fucking sick dude yeah damn that's amazing yeah that's fucking a good time what a fucking awesome mom man yeah yeah what age we talking dude grade school like up until probably like uh when schoolwork starts getting more important sure a little more intense it was

more like show up to college like between yeah yeah we're going mickey d's we're having a kegger get the two beers in her helmet all right we gotta wrap it up let's go oh gang buddy jeremiah Watkins we love you to death love you special as we set out right now on the youtube page call daddy what else you want the folks out there to know brother hit them uh jeremiah stand up on social media uh both these guys have done stand up on the spot uh my series on the youtube uh check it out we put out new episodes every other monday youtube.com slash at stand about ts and then jeremiah wonders and scissor bros if you want to follow me i put out a lot of stuff uh and uh yeah i always love hanging with you guys this is my first time in studio we've done a couple road ones but this is my first all right we did what we did a you were you weren't you weren't in the

basement either no he did skankfest when we did skankfest i remember we did the one in houston but i thought you were i could have swore for sure you were zoom the zoom was the first hand handy baby old school yeah so roots baby i love it yeah awesome from jump streak baby we love you congrats on a new special campy what do you got for him guys we're over the road uh tickets are on sale get them we're announcing more cities get those tickets uh we're adding second shows in some places some places were not so if you snooze you'll lose love you gang see you next week please