Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Cousin Ian Fidance is Back!

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Tuddy's favorite cousin is back! Ian Fidance joins Kippy & Foley for a hot one! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ https://www.athleticgreens.com/GARBAGE Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

gang quick announcement on the middle-class famous tour we are going to be coming to a city near you for a live stand-up show and playing a yg with the audience we're going to be in san francisco california los angeles california la holla california and we'll also be in pittsburgh buffalo detroit denver phoenix salt lake city chicago then over there to roseman and that's just to me we're going to be adding some dates it's going to be a fantastic time grab the squad come out and see us get your tickets it's a good time welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back

to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage so little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that you're to be classy yeah you're to just a big old piece of trash trash i'm your host a trolley coming at you on a beautiful day down here at antony's basement caught her upstairs rooting through the mail uh-huh at the neighbor's house okay my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the ceo of are you garbage he's an international businessman and it doesn't matter how you get the laugh as long as you get it and i got it this week and payday's coming up give it up for kj kevin james ryan i was a little undercooked if you ask me what's up everybody thanks for tuning in as always please make sure

your rate view subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube as you know those numbers are true cooking baby and then patreon.com is on fire there's a sale everything must go get in now uh we're approaching our next goal which is the yeah the ten thousand dollar i got it man the ten thousand dollar roulette's been uh on black that is of course always been on black shout out to wesley snikes uh so check it out there's you know over a hundred uh episodes of ayg and hard feelings on there check it out a lot of content do it yeah at ten jesus gonna be a real real bad timer right there and if you're on the patreon you know he ain't got it speaking of not gotten it how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire that was mean the magic man

makes us all look good my best pal in the whole wide world and i love him the death ladies and gentlemen dr tobey mcmolyn everybody uh-huh what's up dudes what's up t-bone good to see you buddy dude hell yeah i just want to say that burnt episodes cooking and for everyone to hit me up i'm changing my fucking number real hoity toity who's hitting up it was a bit i didn't even call them folks i don't know if i'm not calling them i don't know who's calling them i thought your name was tony until the week ago gang this is a family episode but we got a company in the building most of you love him he's family i don't know what to tell you can't pick your family no pick your friends but you

can't pick your family pick your friends pick your nose but you can't pick your family that's it he's gotta go i'm on fire ladies and gentlemen it's cousin Ian fight ants everybody twice for flesh love you guys glad to be here if you're watching at home smoke them if you got a blur that out they're not paying for that i love dude it's only a matter of time till he comes in here with his own brand endorsements he starts flugging them head with his own cigarettes that's right cough drops folks yep red bull gives you wings to fly back in time and delete that that's why you love him but he's new energy drink red faced pick yourself up a red ball is your sack red gives you lumps red face gives you lumps

holy shit buddy good to see it's been a while we haven't seen you since christmas i know well you know christmas came early this year because i'm back thank you for having me fellas uh i love and uh you guys say use and in delaware we say yes even more trashy same whores i've never heard that in dollar what i've never heard that in dollar what he is what are you what are you doing well i love you love you see us later we do well well my family would do love you love you love you love you love you i don't think that's a specific delaware thing i think it is i've only heard it in delaware shout out to manoops my clay monster he's only been there in newark so it's not saying much new arc oh i'm

sorry newark is jersey new ark is delaware speak of branding as well shout out to black listed for the hat blacklist this fucking guy from philadelphia like an infomercial anybody anybody else now anybody else you owe money to that you gotta give a shout out hey listen i know i ain't got the two grand but i'm going on a yg i'll get you to use painting in delaware i'm also for sure gonna oblique that just because fuck you what no everybody check them out everybody get the guns they're a great band who would that's not a that's not a philly's hat black black listed it's a philly's hat but the b is for black listed oh band for billy they're no longer together i'm gonna blur all your logos like a snoop dog video oh my god can't we till next time i just wear shirts with so many

logos on them hey you come in like a boxer a thick newtons on his glasses i'm moving around so toby can't blur me dressed like a big hamburger did you have you ever used the sandwich board professionally i would have to assume you had to have never never what about one of those signs we ever the guy out flipping the signs yeah like turbo tax or whatever you've done shitty laws for the salvation army once where drinking the bell the court ordered i believe yeah yeah no i was a volunteer volunteer i wasn't with salvation army i did it on my own oh my god if you stand across the street you can undercut them they want a quarter i'll take a nickel i went to salvation navy hello wait what do you mean

uh in high school i used to volunteer a lot and you actually volunteer for the salvation were you ringing the bell were you kids sitting on your lap i was ringing a bell no kids are sitting on my lap stop playing out your fantasies can you sit on my lap yeah yeah i didn't know if you were really not ringing the bell or you were doing something different i was ringing the bell outside of a super g getting everyone to come super g super giant it was a grocery store got your Delaware yeah so yeah it was fun went out to act me did that as well i used to volunteer a ton up until like before college i was volunteering like every other weekend it was awesome really no yeah i don't think i've ever volunteered i want to get back into it it's really fun it's been on my

resume my entire life my professional resume yeah yeah what that microsoft excel i'm proficient in powerpoint yeah yeah no that i did that i did a bunch of volunteer work like for waiting tables and stuff yeah they never check on that shit dude i went down south and uh helped uh tear out and patch up homes that got hit by hurricanes after Katrina are you stealing copper how are you doing that there make a lot of money that way you know yeah this one's total yeah george is gonna cover it anyway stealing from a different house i thought it was damaged yeah dude it was awesome i loved it i used to drive a van around the Bronx that doesn't sound safe getting uh handing out food to the kids yeah where'd you get the food lines handing out food to the homeless what would you get the food

uh it was part of uh new york cares you would meet at like a place you'd load up the van with food and you go around to these like drop off places everyone lines up you hand out the food and uh they called me the muster man because i was the guy that handed out the mustard to him nice it was special it gave you the big job yeah mustard and a cigarette no it's fun man and now it's come back and they asked for more oranges wait what yeah if you're you want like sweets when you're on drugs come down from drugs you know i would know it never come down like to keep it right up there folks still love sweet yeah you and your weight um dude you are a cousin he and i saw him he's also been trying to horn himself in on the

fucking disney trip by the way yeah when we go to disney when we go into disney his pitch is just this yeah i saw him at the club the other night at the mickey mails here i was just gonna say i already bought the ears god damn it have you ever been uh i went twice in school we had a Florida trip you went if you i mean every room went but i almost didn't go because i got i was one detention away from getting kicked off this is elementary school or high school elementary school really what an elementary school you're getting attention in elementary school i was a bad kid in elementary yeah what the fuck i didn't know they had detention i had to change my group of friends and it was a blessing because i changed my group of friends they kept stuff

of me in a locker still friends with them to this day shout out what about the old Justin and Fred Justin works for an industrial air conditioning company the name of the no i'm kidding we'll put his number up there yeah what uh what happened to the old crew oh man trouble really wrong side of the tracks wrong side of the tracks buddy don't want to get in who has wrong side of the tracks friends in elementary school this guy what could they have been doing that was so bad what got you the detention uh fighting acting out in class talking back um having a mustache in a freaking out the faculty refusing to guarantee jacket so you can't get sorry you can't smoke it smoking in the faculty lounge yeah hey how you doing i got my social mr whitney you got a light on you

yeah dude i i would ask so many questions they limited me to two questions in class you had to be what were you on horrible you were on ridland what were you on as a kid just start naming them that's an almond line everything but good behavior fucking pill bottle yeah everything but the honor roll i think yeah no some of the bad kids were trying to get me to give them my my riddling and they would give me weed and you know seven you know typical seventh grade stuff all right seven smoking you know so in seventh grade your school a public school in Delaware no i didn't go to a public school you went to a private school okay you went to a catholic makes more sense they would do a trip where you went down to disney world yeah and it was like

an it was incentivized to make sure like you got your grades you had to have a certain grade point average who paid for it did the each individual parents have to pay i think it was paid by the sky i don't know i think it's pretty good we took a big old bus down wait you drove what oh yeah that's not cool that's what do you think it was right drugs you idiot yeah you're a fucking mule it up i know it's not a great amount of water balloons before i went down puking in a motel bed so we were auditioned if we're doubled here yeah i have some information that may change your desire to go to disney world ever why you can't smoke that's not true that's not true that's not true that's not true that's not true smoking sections oh they can sex traffic

kids at disney world we can smoke some fucking burning i didn't say that all right all right i'm a company man speaking of which when are we going no you can there's certain places you can smoke for sure there's like one or two in each park and they're very small and they're smoking in line they're hidden behind trees are you kidding me i'm smoking on splash mountain splash me on yeah maybe we wait until after the you can go on the rise this is gonna be a quick trip through fucking magic kingdom you guys got a new construction starting oh my god hey we're gonna need some fucking cranes on the monorail maybe maybe it's gonna be me it's gonna be me ian and toby on your back in the lazy river going down the white

water ramp there she blows he ate two goofies um maybe we wait till after the casino thing i always supposed to go out and have a good time we got that hanging over our heads what the casino thing yeah well the casino thing we can do in a night i say do the casino thing on the way to florida are you kidding me i'm not driving to florida yeah do what the fuck this isn't father dirt bags or wherever the fuck you went to school but that's our lady of no money how long was the trip seven days our lady of no money i'm getting steamrolled over here saying i o you saying i o you you were probably on some fucking no fly list or something yeah oh my god well

dude one kid i bullied me and i punched him in the back of the head before the trip who rabbit punches somebody oh dude well one of the construction workers that was doing work at the house told me if you get bullied you just run up punch him in the back of the head and so i did there's a construction board while some vagrant somebody your mom took in just just just because he fixed your mom's bed yeah one of my uncles for the week told me so i hit this kid and uh we ended up becoming buddies on the trip you know yeah threw in an alligator pond on the way do you still talk to him say his name no no no i only talked to three of the kids i went to grade school with still friends this day so you went seventh and eighth gradeings yeah and then in

eighth grade i went down as like a um i guess i went twice in the same year do you want us a chaperone yeah like they they had maybe like four or five eighth graders that went with the seventh graders and when they'd go and that's what i told you anyway i would like you know he was wearing a helmet leader you know yeah making the decision i was a big shot at Epcot already been there oh man the only kid on the trip sitting in a car seat he's wearing a diaper i'm like still well everybody in the back of the head madonna wants to beat you up she's big right jenna davis chasen you're on the bus i say atlantic city casino you win amazing time in florida you lose you got florida to look forward to yeah it's not a bad idea the only problem the

only problem with planning the the disney jose we had it on the books we had to move because we're going to california next week yeah it's supposed to be this week i think um so i was the only thing we had to change it but it just takes way more time to plan that you need to plan that and you know you can't just fucking get up and go we can get up and go to fucking a c at night if you want to not sorry you want to jump the gun wow let the money go wow right that might entice him to join if we go it's already in the can we'll let you know how it goes oh i wouldn't be able to poke yeah for the next year to me five weeks fully sheet right damn it yeah yeah welcome to fucking are you garbage god damn patriot and if we won i wouldn't be able to do it desperately

already thinking about what i'm going to blow the money on what i don't know taxes i hope i hope it's taxes i gotta call my tax guy and same tax guy yeah really everybody uses wow this guy's great yeah he's alright i'm writing off every part right he and relax do you talk to him or do you talk to the assistant oh i talk to him really i talk to him too you do you're just a new bozo yeah man you haven't got past the secretary i'm waiting in the lobby with flowers and candy like an asshole gang this is family episode it sure is we have business here at two four yeah and that's when you sign up for the old patreon there as pre mentioned here on this particular broadcast

you get a question asked on the air whoa now as kj says this is a memo from up top we do have a bit of a backlog but this is the best way to get in a show that was not this week's memo or hit us with a strong heater on fucking twitter yeah come come through with some goods all right let's get into it a little bit got a couple of fucking heaters this one i don't know how this has never came up this is for morgan first time long time ten dollar homie have you or anyone you know been an underage bartender what yeah back in the thick there was shitty bars where you could be like a fucking 18 or 16 year old bartender i think that's legal i don't know you can start you can in the state of pennsylvania i knew kids when we were 16 for bartender we would go 16 down off the

boulevard no way yeah it was like an old cop that's like a farmer roller you can drive at 13 i'm not saying it was on the up and up being i mean it was all underage kids and like retired cops and i think you can see eras what the hell i was beyond it yeah pinata man god damn it couldn't get it out did you ever ever have a pinata at an actual pinata at a birthday party no i went to one with a pinata yeah i've only been in the tail in the donkey that was great i'm remembering it now who really still remember the neighborhood here we use a real livestock though it's a real donkey this donkey's got to be back by three he just keeps taking his finger in his ass who i missed again who i missed again i bring my own body hold hey you pull your pants off

take that ballgate off in the dick in the donkey what uh you can serve booze underage in almost any state uh the one who plays at the most fast and loses main which across the board 17 let them fly whoa i like that wait mix it up huh so you got to be a 17 year old checking people's ids to see if they're 21 sure that's crazy yeah you're not drinking you're serving alcohol are you gonna be a bartender not drink it's true why else would you get the job as a bartender at 17 hey man i agree with you got a good work ethic no you're trying you need to cash eat it's a cash job walk with a stack of tips it is yeah have you ever bartended no have you worked in the service industry yeah waiting tables waiting tables would you wait tables oh new york delaware would you wait just naming states

just states we've never been to we're not going to go check you i know wisconsin where did you wait tables in new york city oh lower east side place called kassan east no longer exists directly across the street tank them from this kind of i would give people free champagne and champagne york on sunday brunch to try to get dude one time i tried to scan this guy for a tip and i would say i would use their last name and say that it was mine and oh my god do you have a cousin to try to get like a low relationship how would you find out his name when he swiped the card yeah he would cite the card to be like all right john stevenson you'd be like you're john stevenson one time i did that and i was like oh my god i think we're lays like i'm from south africa

all right the good part of the bad part what are we talking hey are you going to disney world do you own any diamond mines by any chance no then get the fuck it was directly across the street from the school i taught at i could see you going up the tables being like if i talk to the owner this bread's on a hails yeah yeah i hate it servers like that i'm not supposed to do this but you guys seem like nice guys you are probably robbing that place everything was making them to be out to be a favor like oh trust me i got you to try to get a tip listen we 86 the shrimp but i think there's some back there i'll take care i was banned from getting shift drinks here you go you were banned from getting shift drinks yeah

at the end of shifts because you made a fool of yourself no because i was an alcoholic well someone say to go hand in hand two strangers walking the night oh yeah dude it was wild dude we used to walk in and just do pill trades it was fucking great yeah it was a good time back then oh yeah that was something you're going up the tables yo you smart if i hang out for a little bit yeah my shift's done can i wrap this up with you see taking you pull it backwards it like ac slater good news you done with that good news is i got some dessert coming for us oh yeah i'm sure that you great gay people free shit you weren't allowed to give them free dessert when i was younger and drinking but when i was sober waiting tables i was company man through and through by the book

huh by the book loved it what one of my favorite jobs i ever had was i was a server at this place in wellington called eclipse it's 500 north union street pretty sure it's a trip club uh yeah i did cheese take a roll it was so fun dude yeah it was awesome i never really waited i bust all growing up you were in and out yeah no you weren't really in the biz we did it in college you were busing tables and college yeah it was the only bus i used to make so much like a head injury harry over here look it was a great place and table i would make more than the fucking i would be the only bus boy that's what every dirtbag bus and i would do they would get mad i'm telling you what they would get mad they'd be like what the fuck because they're

be like it was huge it was portofino on walnuts tree remember that place wait they split tips with the bus boy yeah i get 10 percent of everybody's fucking thing really yeah i think 10 percent right that's a going right i don't think we did we bust our own tables some rest some bellies we're talking about refined people you were on pills it was coming no restaurant i was giving the dish wash your mom's kitchen it's giving the dishwasher right home he was this deaf guy named randall he fucking ruled he would rap and it did not sound good i was at a blaster radio cousin Ian who can't much talk about athletic greens athletic greens a g1 a g1 is the cool kids college yeah as us guys who were on it you know i started taking athletic greens why is that

because i was finding this is me personally that in my workouts i was getting tired when i would bring athletic greens with me i don't get as tired i feel good it's got everything you need it sustains me yes and i'm doing an empty stomach in the morning helps the gut health gets me going through the whole day 75 high quality vitamins minerals whole foods or superfoods probiotics have to be an idiot uh best thing about it's like a multi it's like a power multivitamins got everything you need in it that's what it is right there huh it's life it's in the pudding baby it's lifestyle friendly whether you eat keto paleo vegan dairy free or gluten free it contains less than one gram of sugar no gmo's no nasty chemicals or artificial anything while still tasting good

delicious it supports better sleep quality recovery mental clarity alertness uh it's got everything you need what are we doing here just get involved with a g1 if you're working out i'm telling you give it a shot it's fantastic right now it's time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with convenient daily nutrition especially heading into the cold and flu season just one scoop and a cup of water every day that's it no need for a million different pills or supplements to to look after your health to make it easy athletic greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin d and five free travel packs with your first purchase all you have to do is visit athletic greens dot com slash garbage again that it's

a let it greens dot com slash garbage take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance now back to the show back to the show something oh man you are yeah the possible usually gets 10 percent of everybody's take and the runner too right runner to tip the runner that's how i started out as i started out as a runner and then worked my way up to a server in a week whoa i mean dude it's not you got to the top of fucking nasa buddy well let me tell you it was you with def randy that's i mean what it wasn't the strongest confidence i think we're gonna go with randy on this one hey and you get brunch randy's handle in the fucking weeds all right me and my fucking crew at the restaurant dude one of the one of

the dishwashers one time called me tortuga because i was very slow i remember one time i was busting tables at this place called jezeppes and i was like a seventh eighth grade maybe and i spilled water all over the ground like the cup overflowed in the bus pan or whatever and i had so i didn't have anywhere to put it so i went and got like a rapid before i could go get a rag and come back this fucking heavy this heavy step waitress who was the biggest fucking bitch ate shit in the middle of the dining room with a full tray of food for like table 18 you're not wrong you are not wrong my friend with the pants too high up uh-huh the ass early sticking out the flat ass and like the big the fat but flat ass the little server thing going

all the way around we're in the same pants for like two weeks yeah there's all like done there's flour stains on them and shit oh yeah dude you felt it in the back when she hit the ground dude the fucking the neighborhood rattled and i knew right away i heard it i went oh that's me that's gotta give me all over oh my god that's awesome i'm gonna fuck bus table 13 i'm gonna take my stamp meal and get the fuck out of here my two free slices man the old the old the older female server that's been there too long is really something else did a really good job in waiting on that with a girl that was crazy but she was cool when you hung out waiting waiting really did it very well fantastic holds up yeah watch it two weeks yep yeah yep dude you

know it holds up as well kingpin oh yeah one of the all time it's a phenomenal yeah good just watch that i think i watch it on a plane somewhere you know it doesn't hold up weekend at bernie's i mean did you expect it to it never held to begin with i mean at seven i thought it was the best movie in the world when i when he's pulling the horse and carriage that's a good you know it doesn't translate he man believe it huh really you know what remember they don't they're all on to be g i joe he man transformers generation one oh brutal i don't even know what that is me every day they got all the colombos sounds like something they're plugging you up to i mean at seven cc's a to be for this lord is

yeah it's not good we got him on the to be i don't even think it's i don't think his insurance covers it either can you do two two bees not i'd kill him you're like joe's taking barrels i never seen a guy take three two bees before i'm still running around the hallway he can't get me under control i'm dragging those barrels he's yellow we're gonna need a bigger to be we're having a good time folks we're having a good time uh the cousin Ian stopped five he had presents for us he said i did that's what every dirt bag it's what every dirt bag relative i believe was the same uh wool you pull over eyes at christmas yes you say you you had just forgotten our presents you just hear no i got you guys lighter covers

so we can't wait to throw that out well yeah just put it in that white bin over there on your head no you never lose a lighter when you got a lighter cover i'm never gonna use a lighter with a really neat we smoke a lot you guys ask for light you also look like a gypsy with that there's like turquoise and men's like first of all it's about three and a half pounds it's you'll never you'll know where it is it's a paperweight you can use it to punch someone it's fantastic i got you one more silver on you than a navajo priestess too by the way hey san elliott take it easy will you i know who uh easy uh i yeah love it i got you one with a little feather and turquoise back to the res and uh i got fully one that's a sexy grandma

can't wait to give it to you well see really you didn't get this for us because it's not here well it's at my apartment if you want to come over chief Ian bombs a lot keep lose his hair chief Ian bombs a lot i gotta talk to the i gotta talk to the chief i could see you doing that too doing a dna test to find out if you have any native american in you so you get your hands on a casino oh my god it's gonna be a dream i just do it for the cheap cigarettes on the res i'll bartend yeah that'd be amazing can i have my shift right now and what's the pill situation around here are we doing swapsies today doing swapsies on some ludes at pre-shift oh my talk about a dirt bag you imagine amazing i'd

never worked in a restaurant where everybody wasn't taking drugs and it wasn't just oh everyone's fucking each other everyone's doing drugs that was always the hot couple there was always the cool guy the chef is a lunatic where where did you fall in that the hot the hot couple the cool guy and the guy sweating in the corner yeah the guy eating someone else's chicken fingers he sweats too much i would get real comfortable at places real fast and just that's when the fucking eating off people's plates starts when you don't give a shit like because you know a lot of times the female servers are all tense they're all a little bit younger they're smoke shows when you get comfortable with them enough to fucking eat some 50 year old guy's burger right in front of them

that's when you know you've crossed the line time to start getting the applications out have you where where would you eat the food i would put in my pocket and then eat it in the bathroom and then go down to the walk-in and drink it full of meatballs you got a pock you fool love me where would you eat it i would eat it um on stage yes i do frequently no you've been i i just gotta say it has been awesome working the cellar together it's really fucking neat foley's been crushing the stage and um he sticks had to bring in an architect i heard hey we need some support

what the fuck is he signing an agreement every time i get on there um this is not crazy i am i was mad he didn't compliment me i didn't pick up on the joke he's like foley's been crushing i'm like what the fuck i've had some good sets that's some great one been very good times but it's been an honor to bring you guys on stage it's very nice any who i would eat it when i dropped it off back to the food stop talking about our occupation i'm going back to my passion project eating leftover food from stream i would eat it as you cleared off to the plate real quick oh in the back yeah we'll fit down would you ever do a mission of a sweet low pack in there put it into go box so you got a whole buffet sitting waiting

i've done that put it into go box and put it up there there's a lot of eyes everywhere some restaurants nobody cared you had to do it was something you really did dude when i was in the back and uh pulling the meats for um so he called it i immediately regretted that when i said it and i was back with the other bus boys pulling the meat hey you gotta get the good shifts you know no we would uh we would pack it and hand it off to each other like a drug deal like you'd walk past someone hand him a thing of meat then you just the other guy go eat it and then you do that you do that with like the cheeses or the meats and the bread i was i would i never i never proper stole anything like out of like i wouldn't like put like a steak in my thing and bring it

home no no i'm not saying that i'm saying like you definitely did stuff like that i mean a couple times no i never did that thanksgiving walking with a case of lettuce i did one time you got everything i brought this home this was my iceberg checked the cameras i came in with it i mean you really got a speed when you got a fucking plastic bag full of calamari i gotta get home it's just about eight minutes left e-brake turns around the corner oh man where's that case of snow crab legs they're all sticking out of your pocket he's got a elbow in there

he kidnapped the lobsters on the lobster tank you say anybody how the fuck are you tape up their mouths and put them in the trunk oh he's who he kidnapped we gotta kill him now oh holy shit that's great all right all right this one's from Sharon new patreon member first question ever vacuum your bedsheets yeah that's great yes you got to yeah when you got a cat yeah i vacuumed my bedsheets i vacuumed the couch question are you vacuuming with the actual vacuum yeah or do you have an attachment i'll put that i'll put that on there you're putting the whole vacuum on a bed i'll put the vacuum on the couch too that's 100 you gotta have an attachment

dude we have a whole vacuum you have attachments and you don't use them no because what he means bigger and easier you just do a couple passes on the sheet and you're at it bigger and easier all over your floor it's covered in dirt you look like a fool no it's not yes it's all it's in my apartment it's all the same that's not the case it looks like you're trying to deice the silvarado the way you're reaching across the bed are you kidding me this is just pure laziness to not hook up the attachments that's not dude you got i think it works better because the attachments don't have the wheel inside that sucks everything up really good attachments are in there for that reason i understand that the people at dyson have done

the work yeah dyson you think you know better than dyson i don't think i know better than dyson but i don't have a dyson when i get a dyson eureka hoover right third devil yeah what do you got black and decker maybe working with maybe it's a hoover yeah larry hoover whip and work dude now you you're an insane person okay to stand and use the attachment treat yourself okay that's banana treat yourself i'll try it out i thought it was the best way to do it have you ever done it to a coat yeah vacuumed a coat mm-hmm we also have this thing that goes like that it has like felt on the bottom that's for the for the cat yes i have one of those that's great on the couch it's not plugged in how often do you change litter say it on three one two three

what's it supposed to be no i do it like every other day okay yeah you're not in every other day oh no she keeps that really on the litter guy now yeah i don't handle any other stuff i'm getting an automatic litter guy i feed her every once and once in the morning your girlfriend really getting up when there's enough left over spraying over the water bottle i'll come home whenever i want i eat all the food myself he's on the couch with a laser pointer i pay attention to get the butterfly now if she doesn't feel like getting up i'll get up and feed the kitty but i'm not going near that stuff that was in that litter was in our room for like a week when when her sister was staying in the room in the room dude i was like get the

fuck out of here you got to invest in an automatic litter cleaner i know she's pushing for it the fans out there venmo at ian dash five ants why i'll film it it'll be fun so you don't have one i'm gonna get one if somebody pays for it it's just two with two cats no i'll pay for it with two cats it's a lot i mean the thing gets full you know every other day is a stretch dog shit's really bad every night dog shit's really bad but nothing on this planet compares the fucking cat shit it is vile well you got to get the um um the litter that the deodorizer we got all that shit you sure it's not deodorizing yeah what do you what do you think i'm well then why is this smells so bad what are you feeding that guy chili i have a three alarm fire chili cook

off every weekend mostly just hot sauce he loves drinks well i'm a spaghetti they're so cute when they lick out of the water bowls oh man cats are the best cats stink adorable i'm a dog man shout out to hans head of security we say we say she's getting a little water she had no water oh so we say he brought it up no we didn't i go in i go look at this little guy yeah you're just a little guy i say good morning hans nice to see you get to work yeah that's how you talked to a fucking german how much money have you made today all right i'm working for your kippy you gotta get a cat kippy you're fucking nuts no they're the best they're the best hey dude they're so cute and twinsies yes and the way they play with each other you can't beat

we're cutting this what i'm kidding you gotta oh dude so if you get a cat with your dog your heart will be i would love i'd get another dog before i get a cat are you gonna get another dog you're gonna do two dogs can't have hansi in there by himself you don't want to be an only child you don't have to be a school shooter yeah or worse me you weren't an only child yeah Jesus christ i wasn't oh god my dog has a mustache as a friend named venatio oh man you got only kid vibes you can't tell him an only child after yeah after knowing you for of course you can yeah yeah you're straight crazy dude yeah i know hundred percent it had been cool to have like a brother sister be like these people are crazy they would have hated you know brother sister yeah think

about that look at that you would thank god you wouldn't be i'd be a different person sure yeah so it's good i was an only child either maybe more well adjusted or or even worse i think it depends whether you were the younger you would have done well as the older as the older yeah yeah yeah as a younger because we're all younger we're bad news really i'm a good kid what are you talking about a lot of comedians are the youngest yeah are they you have to look you're looking for the attention i thought a lot of comedians are middles no i think it's younger oh that's pretty good this guy with his subtle fucking uh industry humor today sneaking it in fucking dany deep cuts over here a road dog ready relax dude that's this guy's talking like just lighter i know

you're gonna love your lighter cover i appreciate it i bet 400 bucks i never see this never see it took you six months to bring the fucking bathroom key back i know also we haven't gotten our christmas gift and it's march what i get you i don't know you said it oh it's like just got the lippies whatever you lied about i'm trying to help you guys out i decided you don't need the candies so what'd you do with the candy i ate them even to make key he loved i would love to know how how many christmas presents each year you buy for somebody else and just end up keeping for you for you i get little candies and i wrap them on i give them the little shops in my neighborhood that hook me up throughout the year i bring them to different clubs and you know give

them like a little candy he's a nice guy no he's low rent he's always looking for a deal looking for an edge talking about trying to gain you're not you're not friends with with your little shop keepers in your neighborhood not that they give me discounts on anything i am now with the dog the dog the dog in the coffee shop is like yes you bring him in yeah that's in caron dude they give you they give you a little latte man they give you a little discounts you talk to them you know friends with every arm i love being friendly and then at the end of the year here i know you're you know yemenese but merry christmas i don't think that's a thing here's a fun size snickers thanks for all the free coffee this year no it's nice here's a nickel i walk in

here's a half eaten twix they give me what i want ahead of everyone else and then you know it's nice i like it give it to my pharmacist you know cool shout out vbeck vna pharmacy no prescriptions need it just a wink and a handshake he'd be surprised with a pack of sour yeah also sour skittles can get you all right this one's from bernie sanders nice um is it garbage just strip the bed before you leave a hotel i don't even get that i think that would be nice and classic huh like strip it and put it all like in the middle i guess if there's like a lot of i throw this covered and come yeah i throw the towels in the in the corner i i try to put my i try to clean up nice don't leave a mess we were just talking about this what do you tip interesting

let's do like you stay a night or you know you know what do you tell me i admit i've been bad with it he's he's been back on the road i'm bad with it yeah on they go when it went on vacation i give we make a point i give five bucks a day really that's good yeah what do you think uh i don't believe you really no why you're notoriously cheap what do you mean i'm notoriously you've been trying to sell me a bike for like three weeks i got you guys gifts i was going to give it to you trying to sell it to you i was going to give it to you for 750 and that's a steal i was going to give it to you for a deal technically you're robbing me yeah and it was coming with a helmet what are you talking about i had a lifetime of guilt i'm gonna hold over your

head yeah how's the bike tobes swear on your mother's life swear on my mother's eyes five bucks a day okay say it say the whole sentence swear on my mother's life i give five bucks a day when i stay at a hotel i believe i'm a very good tipper he's also he also and he also rolls with the tell who's a notoriously good tipper yes he only got to take care of the road take care of the people yes good man of course yes and i tip out how much you tip out comedy staff we do pretty well on the staff yeah a lot yeah always we do yeah what do we do you want to know what we do going right for the waitress 40 to 50 it's now 50 since for the weekend we were doing one night we do one night so we hit on 50 we're gun slingers in and out we do we hit them 50 we hit the waitress

we're waiter 50 for the night and then if the bar or if the security guard is helping with pictures at the meet and greet he gets a dog yeah i see here's a thing get something at the bar the bar get a dog i only get waters so i'll give you know like if i'm just getting waters and i'm literally walking up around i'll still give like a 20 sure it's a headline weekend i'm giving uh 50 a night or 100 sure have them split it up yeah you always gotta take care you always gotta take care of the staff because they're the ones it's also too like this is a little behind the curtains but like the staff she had the she or he the server has their own section already outside so it's not like they're just chilling in the green room just waiting for you it's like they're leaving the people that

are actually paying the you know paying them that night you always gotta you always gotta take care of them um but once we started bringing tommy on the road to open up tommy see tommy see he uh now there's four of us in the green room oh tommy no tips i'm learning so tommy orders three meals i'm learning yeah tommy's take tommy take homes alligator arms yeah tommy take out um tommy fully would have paid for this which means kippy would have paid for this yeah tommy usually gets a hot meal yeah so this is only of the day so it depends on who but at least one or two is ordering food probably yeah i'll might get something to nosh on and then i'll get a couple of beers he might get a couple of beers but that's it's real low you know low stakes yeah but you gotta take care of them you

got to always yeah so five bucks a day huh that's good i'll do five if i don't i'll i refuse to leave ones just because in my head it feels dismissive yeah so if i have like three ones or and a 10 i'll just leave the 10 yeah just to be like totally and uh i try to leave the room like nice i'll i'll definitely never leave if i have trash i consolidate all the trash yeah i never leave like whatever you know yeah that's why the sheets i mean i it depends what you did to it yeah if you're trying to hide something to make it not look like you don't want to see well how do you sleep do you do untuck do you because sometimes i'm rolling around and i got the i untucked all on don the pillows are everywhere i mean untuck like how it's tucked underneath yeah oh yeah get rid of all that

shit yeah 100 i also i think last no in utah i did late checkout and i was late on the late checkout and the one was like waiting so i gave her 20 i felt that's good you gotta take care of them yeah sorry it comes back when you take care of other people you get taken care of later it's good to put out karmatic good into the universe i'm i'm i'm big on that now that i have where's my fucking christmas present buddy save it for next christmas two in one shot yeah you'll get too you'll get too fun bite-sized snickers think about them again that's a whole candy bar hold out your hand i think it's in the bag hey you fucking know it hold your hand down uh i i got a quick one that

came across my my board came across your fire away t-bone yeah so my boy willy griswold okay real name wow really a friend he's a beaut clark um bang he reached out to you and said hey Evan are you garbage question yeah yeah okay the show he's he works on the bob and tom show out there b and t nice uh have you ever have you or anyone in your family ever gotten their haircut at the mall oh i believe we might have mentioned this because i said that there was this one place uh at the plymouth meeting mall back in the day that was like hot like all my cousins went there everybody went there to get it done it was like a vedal susan kind of vibe ooh a barbershop on the other hand in a mall is superior trash yeah anyone with

the thing out front spinning around yeah yeah no real out of place it's always down in the corner like next to the boss gobs and the radio shack or something yeah it's always tucked away in that entrance no one goes to that's a bit i'm i don't like doing anything that's inside something that you know what i mean like if in the real world they're stand alone yeah that i like i can't go to a fucking i was a restaurant in a mall yeah no i can't go to a starbucks in a fucking we hit that cheesecake factory in a mall i thought it was nice you're kidding me you're not going to the starbucks under target oh all the fucking time get some fucking coffee that's like being like i'm not going to a starbucks in a rest stop no if i'm at a target yes then i'll go but i'm not going to get my

haircut at the mall just i'm not going to the mall only for a haircut so i think i think i think i can interpret this so let's say kevin worked uh had a job in the suburbs and he was on his way to work every day he wouldn't go to the starbucks at target to get his morning coffee he would go to the standalone store or a donkey's i would have to choose but what if it's on the way no that's not the inconvenience of going in weird yeah the inconvenience of entering a target parking lot target parking there's lights in those parking lots then you got a 20-yard fucking you got a 30-yard walk that's the smart play because the other one with the drive-through everybody's sick of drive-through so you go to the target for the faster they're all they're always packed they're always packed that's

insane that's why you become friends with them and they hook it up that's why you give them a candy corn for a small bag of goldfish once a year yeah you're too you get free coffee hey hold on you know who's calling right now a discount it's yours can't be eat that banana right now never i've never had a banana in my life no i swear to god yeah what yeah uh uh uh my wife was eating one last night and she went in to kiss me and like i even like why can't you take a bite try it i don't want to never even had banana runts that's not a banana but yeah i mean i've had a banana flavor you've never had something completely different artificial banana flavor is okay you got it to ride by i think i think that i think yes you you don't have to do it right now i don't want to

force you but i think that's something you have to do i'll do it how about this i'll do it when you lose 20 pounds why lose 20 pounds you'll eat a banana so you're never gonna eat a banana yes i'll agree to those terms shake yes fucking safest bet that's ever been made i know buddy i'm never touching a banana hey i think i give a fuck of this bold prick eats a banana and if you die it doesn't count all right low potassium kippy yeah i don't give really give a shit wow never had a banana why it just never came up or you haven't across my dad it's a fucking weird really weird stuff with food odd like what else i didn't start eating we just did this in an episode was this a was that a public episode we did that i can't remember yeah there can i um i don't think it

was uh i don't i really like i didn't start eating red meat till way later in life yeah like mid 20s probably did you guys know any kids who had to have the the plate with the dividers so their food wouldn't touch yeah i didn't need it but i didn't mind it what i'm always mash the food together wait hold on now that i'm an adult i'll have i'll do it hold on how do you get your steak cooked uh typically medium but if we go out as as a group and we order as a group it'll be medium uh rare he's a man about that stuff i was gonna say if you're well done but that's only that's only new that's like all i'm ready to order a steak at a restaurant is crazy i'm steak rare pittsburgh blue black and blue charred cold red in the middle all right my kind of hay

hey true detective relax you're twirling a beer can i want it to still be able to lie to me when it hits the table i want to feel it's post circle uh this might bring the vibe down a little bit great let's do it yeah yeah hey let's shift the gears yeah someone pull the e-brake yeah big man hit it hey hit this hey we're having too much fun the thing with the food here we go the separating of the food the first time i when i witnessed that like saw like true poverty was this just really really poor family that lived in my house

baby sometimes i'm too quick for myself i kid don't need a banana yeah fuck your potassium all right it's got all the electrolytes you need it's gonna take a bottle of fucking gatorade hey god you know i gotta i gotta pause the camera so i can wipe foley's brains off pink mist he just lost 20 pounds i can head fell off his shoulders my wife's trying to climb out the back of the studio good piece of business damn holy shit anyway next question's foley's fucks yeah what were you saying big guy yeah hold on let's get it back to sad i was saying at the bottom of my neighborhood was like a bunch of like older shittier houses that

when we lived in wilkesbury and we used to pick this kid up he went to he went to my school but i think that was the only time he ate that was that day at lunch and it was it was like ocd he ate one thing here one thing there one thing there one thing there and if they ever touched he like like freaked out in the lunch room or if anybody ever like went to touch his food he would freak out could you relate i was the one trying to take his food they're not gonna eat that cornbread are you it touched the peas but we did a shake in the tray shake in the tray what do you know you can't eat it nummy num num num we did hungry hungry hippo at the cafeteria it's gonna snow shovel we did have a kid in my third

grade class that if you touched any of his food he wouldn't eat it and that was i did that almost every day where i did my best work yeah like for snack time when he pulled out a cupcake oh that's all you had to do was just put your finger on it i mean what special needs school did you go to with these freaks what are you talking about my god they weren't freaks there was another guy who wore face masks yeah you must have been the god king jesus christ a face man i just pictured like freddy like a jason mask or something but yeah that kid joe i remember like realizing like oh fuck this kid's fucking him though why don't you name more give him away more of his identity i don't think he's still with us snow he had to nutrients to survive this long

to spare those cold winters and wilk's better three years of me kid never got a piece of protein must hate a burrito uh yeah so any other um you know tragically devastating stories you want to bring up from my childhood yeah any kids have leukemia growing up or yeah my best friend died when i was in kindergarten really yeah from what uh we were in kindergarten and i started going to his house and i went to his house every day was like i'm out and play i'm out and play and every day his mom told me no and this went on for like six months and then finally she called my mom you couldn't get a hint i was i didn't i didn't know what was going on and she called my mom was an ambulance

out front every day what the hell is he doing i gotta generate her first dialysis machine we need one more for kickball what's this what's this kid's deal she called my mom and said tell him not just tell him to stop doing that i guess he was getting worse and worse i didn't know he was yeah it was the cancer and then the fat one keeps eating our bushes can you keep them off the property this kid's a billy goat he keeps rummaging through our trash uh no but then we moved and then one day i was like mom when can we go up and see your and she was like oh you remember that funeral we went to a couple weeks ago that was his he passed away you went to the funeral and didn't remember i busy here the buffet yeah my parents went where the finger foods

yeah that's so sad little fat kid no friends what are you gonna do what have to bleep that me are you telling us your autobiography bleep that too so all right this one's from luke ever you shoot this much he can't miss uh ever use a t-shirt as a pillowcase sure yes i did it not too long ago yeah big fan of that big fan especially if it's a soft t-shirt oh man babe it's like it's just perfect for it plus you can put them on a bunch of pillows because you got friends a couple of body pillows hey Steve

i'm having an orgy tonight watch a movie together yeah that's trash all right have you ever oh i don't like this have you ever taken clothes in a towel and use that as a pillow yeah definitely been hemmed up use clothes as uh when you know when you're jammed up not when i have towels i've used towels as blankets before oh yeah like big beach towels for extended periods of time especially when you're in dude in the middle of the night especially if you're drunk and you're hanging you're like sleeping somewhere and you're like at your boy's house in the couch or the floor or something and you'll wake up looking for a blanket dude you got like a dish towel an old shoe you're like anything you can do to cover your body you got the christmas

tree over top of you anything wake up with a dog on you have you ever you have you ever blown up the bag from a box of wine and use that as a pillow what that's pretty good though what are you his childhood friend what the fuck is what when you were riding the rails that is crazy yeah i fucking party dude you know when you leave your knapsack in the other car oh my god that's a clutch move after a house party shit you ever stand around a fire and cook a can of beans you ever have you ever have the rail guard chase you out of the field that's fucking that's next level crazy you blew up a bag of wine as a pillow yeah and not only is this not a me move it's like a ubiquitous party move dude

everybody knows easy with the big words there but yeah i want to take it as a fence yo glass is that thick you think you know him should have seen that one coming though oh my god can you repeat it i don't speak hobo you know what you're not getting that bike and i can't do it for that original price gang cousin Ian ladies and gentlemen this will be coming out this week so plug you plug your dates what do you got what are you gonna be all right this week as in this is coming out it'll be out thursday i love it april first and second vermont comedy club come on out burlington vermont

headline the week and i'm bringing jordan jensen with me it's going to be a blast vermont go see Ian he's a mo eater he's the best thank you thank you animal six nine twitter twitch and instagram soprano supreme of alta and by guys and don't feed them because they'll never leave that's right kip you what do we got uh guys cali we're gonna be in cali this week la has sold out but there's tickets uh for the lehoya comedy store as well as cobs comedy in san for sorry sf i want to be cool then pittsburgh detroit denver buffalo we'll be back in chicago chicago rosemont chicago there's only a couple tickets left for the old town show so fucking get them sanities is great uh we'll be a rosemont as well uh phoenix salt lake city phoenix and denver we can't wait to get the

dates get your fucking tickets come out to a live show also we've been forgetting to plug it's been available there's merch available ah all the t-shirts we've ever had are available fire dot com backslash are you garbage something along those lines it'll be in the description you can go get them people have been clamoring for all the classics yes we love you we'll see you next week peace adios