Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Craig Ferguson!

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Craig Ferguson! You know Craig Ferguson from stand up comedy, The Late Late Show, Joy, a Podcast, Breaking Bread w/ Tom Papa, Tiger Belly, Late Night Talk Shows, "I'm So Happy" Full Stand-up Special and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Best of AYG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL8bt-D-ZN4&list=PLCJp1IfokN9Cy1Hi79LSGAykCKfRDM_y9 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Ridge Wallet: Take advantage of Ridge’s Memorial Day Sale and get UP TO 40% Off right now by going to https://www.Ridge.com/AYG Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 27% Off Sitewide + Free Bedding Bundle (Sheet Set and Mattress Protector) with any Luxe or Elite Mattress Order (Exclusive for listeners of Are You Garbage?) Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? #comedypodcasts #comedians #podcastshow #comedypodcasts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang tickets for the Back on the Block Tour are going quick, baby, so get them ready, getting is good. Yeah, we're coming to San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Burlington, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester, and Toronto. All tickets available at RUgarbage.com. We'll see yous on the road. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that at the group to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash trash trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toadies in a new edition. She's on her way to JCPenney's for a little accident. Okay, little slip and fall money going to be coming here

pretty soon. Very good. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody What up gang shout out to you? Thanks for tuning in as us first time that's ever happened as always Like everybody hates you or something. They go like, yeah! He's the boss! KJ and it's like, oh, we hate that guy, boom.

Hang him, I say. We get up and leave. Hang him. Patreon.com, check it the fuck out, guys. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a legendary stand-up comedian and writer. You can hear him every week on his podcast, Joy, a podcast.

He is on his pants on fire tour right now. You can get tickets at the Craig Ferguson show dot com. He has a brand new special out on YouTube. I am so happy that you got to check out. Of course, he did one hundred and eighty five episodes of The Drew Carey Show. And he was the host of The late late show from 2005 to 2014 Truly one of the great late night talk show hosts in history give it up for the one the only mr. Craig Ferguson Thank you for having me I'm very excited to be

Shall I wear these it's up to you. If you want to. Yeah. I want to look like I'm podcasting. You got them on over your eyes. Am I a podcasting or an influencer? What's the difference between a podcaster and an influencer? I don't know. Tits. That's what I am. Well, we got them. Tits. A nice ass in a bikini. Yeah, there you go. You're a legend, my friend. An absolute legend. Stop it. I mean that when I say that. Like truly one of the last great late night talk show hosts, man. Unbelievable. You know, I think we're a dime breed, the late night talk show.

I think this is the way forward, gentlemen. You are the new bastions. You're the wedge. You're the icebreaker. This is the way forward podcast, because it doesn't exist in the old world anymore. It's just going away. It's going away. Yeah. Time gone by. this is the way forward podcast because it doesn't exist in the old world anymore. Of course. It's just going away. It's going away.

Yeah. Time gone by. Yeah. Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story, Mr. Craig Ferguson. Well, I was raised in a swamp by Shrek and Fiona. I was found in a basket of reeds and the Pharaoh's daughter came over. I'm from, there was no Pharaoh, I'm from Scotland. Of course. It's well outside Philly. Yes. But where I am in Scotland, because

I know Philly quite well obviously, and it's not unlike, where I'm from in Scotland, Glasgow, in Scotland, it's not unlike Philadelphia. Gotcha. It has a lot of gentlemen looking a little like your shelves, you know what I'm saying? Sure. And it has an enjoyment. Good looking guys. Good looking guys. A lot of guys in sweatpants.

A lot of guys in sweatpants. A lot of guys who enjoy meat and cheese. They gotta check this place out. I think you'd enjoy it. Do you know what's funny? Because also Cleveland is a similar city. Yes. Right. So when I. We're just in Cleveland. Right. So that's a bad look

Cleveland and Philly. Well, it kind of is. But Cleveland is kind of like a portable Philly. Do you know what I mean? Like Philly is big. Cleveland is like if you've only got like hand luggage, you take Cleveland. But Cleveland is where Drew Carey is from. So when Drew and I, we got to know each other on his show, I said to him, you should go to Glasgow. It's like Cleveland. He's like, don't be fucking serious. That's how he talked back then.

And then he got into soccer and he went to see a Ranger of Celtics game and and and Glasgow fucking called me up We went this is just like It's a lot of sports rivalry a little bit of religious sectarianism to make it Protestant Catholic going on I like oh, yes What did your mom and dad do? What kind of house did you? So so my my father was a postman, okay Okay, but in the course of my life he went from being they used to deliver telegrams, right? He was a telegram like hey telegram sure right so he started off with that when he was a little kid

Then he then he goes to the Army for a couple of years. Then he comes back to the post office and he becomes a postman, like delivering a letter and stuff. But by the time he finishes, he's like the head of the post office in Edmonds, Scotland. So he makes a big, long trip that way. And my mom was a school teacher.

Your mom was a school teacher. When you say the head of the, he was the head of the- He was the king of school. Really, like the postmaster general? He's still on the stamps. No, no, no. He reads everybody's mail probably. No, he's not on the stamps.

Someone's pregnant again. Oh, look at what Margaret's been up to. No, he became the chief inspector of the Edinburgh post office, which apparently. I don't know a lot about post office, but that. Sounds high up to me. the uh no the um he became the chief inspector of the Edinburgh Post Office which I don't know about post office but that that sounds high up to me pretty

good. Sounds good. Was that was there a big increase in uh in his pay like did you guys kind of move up a little bit? Yeah because when I was a kid uh huh like like a young kid it was like dinner was like egg and fries. Okay. Stuff like

chicken maybe once twice a month. No kidding. Wow. So meager beginnings. Well, yeah, we did. I mean chicken once a month. Chicken, that's not great. Chicken maybe twice a month.

I don't wanna overplay it. It wasn't fucking Angela's Ashes, right? Every Christmas we got to smell a hamburger. That's right. Oh, it's another gather round the potato for Christmas everybody just rubs it Yeah, that's right the lucky potato, but but we were But there were there were a lot of I didn't know I didn't know we didn't have money because we were trying to but we Didn't have much, but it wasn't terrible and my parents weren't alcoholic so

Yeah, well we in an apartment? Were we in a house? Were we in the city? Were we in the suburbs? No, first we're in, we're in, when I was born, they were in a one bedroom like tenement. Okay. With my older brother and my older sister. Okay. And after

I was born, they moved us out. They used to, there was this thing called New Towns in Britain. Okay. What happened was after the Second World War, all the cities were bombed. So they had to build new housing just outside the city. Kind of like the project. Sure. So we moved out, but the projects, but they were meant to be fancy. They weren't fancy at all.

But they said they were fancy so that people would leave the city and go live in them for nothing. So we lived in a little modular house in the projects till I was about seven or eight years old then we moved to a slightly larger house in The projects until I was about 16 17 then I leave home then my parents make a little money and move to an actual house Gotcha, so there was a bit of a journey now. Where'd you go when you were 16? Well, I gotta tell you though that's I can't tell you everywhere. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on that ship. But I joined a band. It was punk rock. I did see that.

Real drummer. I was a drummer in punk rock band. So I lived for a long time in the back of a van. No shit. You know, I actually didn't live there. I mean, I shared a room with some guys in a band in the West End of Glasgow, which is a really fucking great neighborhood, still is.

Like really kind of before hipsters were invented. Oh, they may have been invented there. Yeah. I mean, it was like they were poor, but hipsters, you know, I mean, like they they like good music and but they didn't know what kale was. You know what I'm saying? Right. So so hey. So I lived in a kind of shared apartment there with the guys in bands that I was in and we would travel in transit bands from around Britain playing bad music. That's crazy. Yeah. What do we talk? We

talk in the 80s, early 80s? Yeah, I guess 1980 to about 83. So you're in the mix. Are you rubbing elbows with like the Ramones or the Misfits or anybody like that? No, no, no man. Lower. That's a big swing. Were you rubbing elbows with the Ramones? The Ramones were in CBGBs That was in fucking Margaret's fucking pub in Falkirk No The old guys yelling at you, turn that shit down

That's rubbish, put on Frank Sinatra Did you know the Ramones? Actually, no I didn't But when I was about 21, okay, so I'm a girl who's part of all this crowd and we got married Okay, and we went to she liked New York City So we came in New York City when I was 21 when I was living in the East Village What when I was 20 what years this is 84?

That's when the East Village was the mix. There used to be a fantastic woman who lived nearby. Grandmaster Flash lived in my building. It's amazing, isn't it? I mean it was fucking crazy. Hey man, I got your mail again. Who's this Grandmaster Flash and why have I got his electricity bill? But he used to have this ankle length gold lame coat. He would walk around. It was fucking amazing looking.

He'd stand out. Yeah, he was a really nice guy. Although, I guess he was Grandmaster Flash. Sure. You know, why wouldn't you be in a good mood? Sure. But there was a lady who lived nearby. And I used to hear her every night,

because she was a waitress in a bar. But the neighborhood was so dangerous that when she was walking home late at night, she was also, she wanted to be an opera singer. So she would walk home and sing an opera all the way down the block and the noise would be like, everyone would know she was coming down. If the noise stopped, everybody look out the window and see she was okay. Yeah. See we looked after ourselves back then. Talk about old women. Yeah.

Geez. That's genius though. the way. Yeah, see, we looked after ourselves back there. Yeah. Geez. That's genius though. Uh and we were all awake because we all had a cocaine problem. Yeah. The cops were after you look at the door. Who? Why'd she stop singing? Cops? But I tell you, it's an

interesting thing though. They had this, the day that it started to clean up the East Village. I remember, it was a buddy of mine worked in, I worked in construction up in Harlem. So we had to take the train across town and then all the way up to Harlem. And one day he says to me, oh, things are gonna fucking change.

There's gonna be construction down here. I'm like, what are you talking about? And then I see we're hanging around at Avenue B and these Cadillacs draw, all with Jersey plates, all these Cadillacs come up and they all these guys with camel coats come out and they're looking at the buildings and talking and that kind of stuff. And then about a week later, there was a big police raid and all the street guys were taking all

the street doctor. Yeah, it was almost like they were connected. I was like, it was an orchestrated series. I mean, it's fucking weird, man. I don't know why it was like it should be on the wide world of sports, wherever it was. Let's go back to the childhood. How were you in school? Were you a good student? Yeah, I was actually up until I tasted alcohol. So up until 13 years old, I'm a fucking straight ace. And then that's a hell of a run.

Yeah, that's not bad. And then when I was 13, my friend's older brother, to go him to go in a store and get us some beer Yeah, so but he was a bad guy so he goes into the store and he stole the money You know anybody he said he stole the money stole the money, but he brought us some alcohol He said they didn't have any beer. We're like we could see Said no, they're out of beer We could see it through the fucking window. Said, no, they're out of beer. They're out of beer.

We're out of beer. Scotland's out of beer. Oh, they're not making it anymore. I don't know what happened. Apparently, it's just against the law. So we're out. He said, they don't have any beer. So he bought us a bottle of this stuff.

It was called El Dorado. El Dorado was a fortified South African wine. I don't think you know and he was a friend of my dad But it was fine cuz that's 13. He's a Glasgow cop. He's like It's funny, you know, and they laughed about it, but I was I feel bad and and that kind of led me on a very different That was a fork in the road gotcha. My grades suffered a bit after that because I woke with a firm resolve never to do that again suffered a bit after that because I woke with a firm resolve never to do that again and no no university no college no I dropped out of high school when I was

16. You dropped out of high school when you were 16? No high school diploma. Was that to work? Was that to be in the band? What was the motive behind that? Well I wanted to get money and school was I did have to get in the way. Well I had a job when I was at school. When I was 14, I used to deliver milk from the back of a flatbed truck. We used to people used to get bottles of milk delivered. I don't know why, but they did. So there was this flatbed truck that

would come in from a farm outside of town, a guy called Bob Klein. And he would pick up me and a couple of other kids. And we'd get in the back of his flat. Just stand like this in the back of a flatbed truck and he'd drive us around we'd deliver milk so I made money that way but I kept falling asleep in school after that so when I was 16 I got a job in a factory where I could just like you know sleep in the factory after you know yeah that is old school yeah

well it's a little bit you know and people had I was telling my kids about this there was a guy that used to come around our neighborhood when I was a kid and they were like, there's no fucking way This is true. I'm like because my kids are American. They've got nice teeth and shit But I was telling about it. I'm a lucky avid. Yeah But they there was a used to be a guy called the rag man that would come round our Neighborhood and the rag man he had a horse and car, but the car, it wasn't like a Central Park car. It was like, you know, a car with car wheels on it.

You know what I mean? Like, like, like, like, like, like Bora or something. I mean, so he would write on that and he'd blow a trumpet, right? You had this kind of weird like horn or something. He'd go, and we'd go, oh, it's the rag man. And we would grab any old pieces of clothes that we could man and we'd hear like horn or something and go and we'd go, oh, it's the rag man and we would grab any

old pieces of clothes that we could find and we would run out and we'd give her clothes to the rag man and he would give us a balloon. What the hell was he doing with it? I don't know. I don't know but we all wanted a balloon from the rag man and

we we cleaned out our parents' closets. Where the hell are all the towels? I'm not sure who's getting screwed over in that deal. I don't know. I got a lot of fucking balloons. Mind you, I think there was a way to get a balloon off the rag man without giving him rags. But I never went that way. What were the family vacations like growing up, if any? Local. Local. Local.

But there is a very important one. It was very local because Scotland's a small country and everything's near the sea so you can get to a seaside town and we used to go to a town called Millport which was kind of like exactly what you would think, you know, it's like a working class seaside. It was a beautiful countryside, nice people, kind of everybody you know from home just goes, it's like the Jersey Shore. Gotcha. So we would go there but once when I was 13, 13 is a big year. It was a fucking big year. This is just before the drink. And maybe just after I can't remember. But what happened was there used to be a

guy called Freddie Laker. Freddie Liz is fucking true. Freddie Laker and the rag man Freddie Laker. They may be the same guy. Freddie Laker was the first guy who started discount airlines, budget airlines. And he used to run a flight, it was like once a week, from Prestwick in Scotland to JFK. Now, my dad's brother, my Uncle James, had immigrated to the US when we were kids. And when I was 13, because my older siblings had had

a holiday on their own through the school trip and stuff Like there was time for the school trip and my dad said you want to go in the school trip or do you want a save? Up I think it was like 50 bucks and we can fly to America and see your uncle James I got America. So what happened was when I was 13 years old we fly from Presswick in Scotland was a big airport in Scotland, or you know an airport in Scotland. They got a runway and a candy machine. And we fly on a DC-10 Laker Airlines, we land at JFK. So the first time I ever see anything outside of Scotland is I fucking land in New York City in 1975. That's crazy. And I go to my, I go to my cousins who live in Long Island. My

uncle James, my aunt Susan and their four kids, they live in Smith town, Long Island. Wow. And I go there when I'm 13 and we go to a bowling alley and we go to this, but I didn't even know what fucking bowl your mind is. I'm fucking like, so you roll the ball towards the B sticks and the sticks fall over and everybody cheers. And they're like, yes. And I was doing it. And they said, said try this and they gave me a root beer was a root beer. That's it. I'm American root beer over crushed ice ever Amen and I swear to God to this day if I have the opportunity for root beer over crowd I'm like I hear the star-spangled fucking

When I when I sign it up for the Marines oh my god how good is that I never had it like that it was like when they gave you know sugar to native people oh my god okay what do you know about Ridge Wallet shout out to Ridge Wallet baby best in the biz the best in the biz gang and here's the good thing they got the air tag attachment so you're not gonna lose it I know you know what I'm saying. I feel you daddy. What's the worst and losing your wallet gang? We're talking about the fantastic Ridge wallet do yourself a favor get over there

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Just head to Ridge comm slash ayg to see their biggest sale of the year one more time Ridge comm slash ayg After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about it. Please support the show and tell them the boy sent you. We love you. Yeah. Cable, tell them about Shopify, baby. Woo, shout out to Shopify. Woo, El Numero Uno Shopify. We're a Shopify family, aren't we? You better bet your sweet little behind. If you guys ever bought merch off AYG, we are

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With Shopify sign up for $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash garbage go to Shopify.com Slash garbage Shopify.com slash garbage do it. Yeah, holy shit. That's alright. Was there a family car back then? Yeah, actually there was there was I remember that my dad's cars. I had a he had a Hillman Man, these are gonna be oh, yeah Elman a Hillman something. I don't know what it was. My grandpa had a Hillman imp which was like a smart car, but with no engine It's gonna go car which was like a smart car, but with no engine. And then it was kind of like a go-kart. It was like the rag man thing, but without the horse.

It was just the car. And then there was a we had a Morris Oxford, a Morris Oxford. Yeah, that's a good looking car. Look at that fucker up. Now, about 1968, Morris Oxford. Oh, that's a sharp car. Look at that **** up. Uh about 1968, Morris Oxford. Ah, that's a sharp car. Right. And then we got uh uh **** there was one. I can't remember that

anywhere. It's a good looking car. Yeah, it's alright. It's a great. I keep trying to find one. You know, do you guys go over and bring a trailer.com or something like that? You know the one I'm talking about? I I very recently went back and

bought the first car I ever had was a 1995 Chevy Lumina. I lost it on bring a trailer. This guy **** He, I mean, it was a PG and Far. It's like Facebook Marketplace. That's the way to go. I think Facebook Marketplace. But the, I'm looking. He's buying cars on Bring a Trailer and Facebook Marketplace.

This guy's a dirtbag. End the show. I thought you were worth like $50 million. Yeah, hold on. You're on Facebook Marketplace. Yeah, never mind that. But I bought, I bought a fucking airstream trailer on Facebook I love an airs no I tell you this is a great

fucking story so I go on a stream and I'm like first of all he's crazy yeah we can all agree yeah so I see this airstream of like beautiful no cuz Matthew McConnough he has but I don't think he got them on Facebook. So I see this. And I call up the guy, and he's like, I'm not going down on the price list. I never asked you. And I go and see this guy.

I won't tell you what state he's in, but he's living by a lake on an easy, a lazy boy. He has a lazy boy outdoors on the lake. And he has a trailer that he lives in, and the Airstream trailer. And so I buy the Airstream trailer, but he says to me, I'm selling it because I've retired. I used to be a nuclear engineer.

And whenever I was working at a nuclear plant, there's never any fucking hotels. Cause nobody wants to put a hotel next to a nuclear power plant. So he has this nice Airstream trailer and it's great. But when I took it home, but at night it fucking lights up I'm sure it's just all that radiation around it No, it doesn't light up, but the rest is true. You don't need a stove to cook the eggs

Yeah, the rest is true. Yeah, holy shit Okay, any pets growing up? Yeah, my we had a goldfish called Goldy. Okay fair enough I mean they don't last that long this one lived to be nine You had nine a nine-year-old goldfish. It was like I mean and you keep Tell you what as well that when that fish died it was fucking delicious Eating good tonight boys. Oh finally finally, the fishes died. Kill the potato and feast. What about the holiday? Was that it? Just the goldfish?

No, no, we had we had we had dogs. We had a very aggressive West Highland Terrier that bit a kid outside the supermarket and went to live on the farm. And then we had a guinea pig called Olga that lived for a long time as well. In the house? Yeah, yeah, but not like Roman Frey in the house.

Like in a cage. Not like, oh, a guinea pig. Oh, children, that's not a rat. It's a guinea pig. Also, you said first job. What was the first concert you went to? On that vacation. Jesus Christ.

What, in New York? In Smithtown. Whoa. My cousins say, hey, do you want to go and see a rock and roll show? I'm like, yes, please. So they take me to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult. Get the fuck out of here. I'm fucking telling you. In 1975? 1975. Holy shit. And I smelled this. Was it a big venue, small venue? That was a big venue. I felt like it was big. Yeah, it would have been huge by then. Yeah, so Blue Oyster Cult, 1975, somewhere in the Smithtown region of Long Island.

I don't know where. What was the odor that you smelled? Incense? I don't know, it was some kind of incense or something. But I kind of, I was to smell that smell again, gentlemen. It occurred in my life again. And still to this day when I'm riding my city bike around New York I still get a whiff of it.

Sure. Were you into music at this time? Like yourself? Were you drumming? Yeah, yeah. I was already drumming. But things, it was just in that kind of period for British kids, I mean I think in America it was different, but it was just in that period for British kids. I mean, I think in America, it was different but it was just in that pretty just before punk rock kicked off with it kicked off in Britain kind of with the damned and the sex pistols and stuff and that was

around about 70 late 7677. That's crazy. So, I was about fifteen when I was like perfect. Yeah. Just for that. So, it kind of even now, I think all that attitude which is way out of date I mean kids now say I'm looking forward to having a career in comedy where gosh darn it I'm gonna have a TV show and stuff like I fucking don't I still don't understand that I'm like And I don't even mean it but I kind of think it's weird the attitude still in you it seems to be and I Don't think it served me well to be and I I don't think

it served me well to be honest. I think it's pretty good. Well, I I suppose you're right but you know, I could have done better. Oh, that's too funny. Who got you the first drum set? Do you remember? It was my older brother. He had a drum cat. I

don't know where he got it but he had a drum kit. There wasn't Facebook marketing. He may have got it from the rag man. I'm not quite sure but he. What you gotta do to the rag man to get a drum kit? Yeah, well, he's a very attractive man. That's all I'm saying. He always has been. A lot of therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had a drum kit and he kind of lost

interest in it. And I just. Just around the house. Yeah, and I was just like batting. And how was your folks about you playing and practicing? I just around the house. Yeah. And I was just like, and how was your folks about you playing and practicing? They're driving crazy? Are they supportive?

Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, in a way, they were supportive in the sense that if I, if I joined a band and then we started like rehearsing in, in like church basements and stuff like that, then my dad would get the drums into the Morris Oxford and drive me there. Okay. So that he saw you doing something. Yeah. Yeah. No, they were.

They were just playing for the guinea pig. No, no. The guinea pig was dead. She also delicious. Oh, that's funny. And then when did you start comedy? You said you came here when you were 21. Is that did you go back after that? Yeah, I my visa ran out. I didn't want to get into trouble with immigration because I thought if I ever really want to come here, I don't want to fucking end up in trouble.

So I left before my visa ran out. But there used to be, the first time I ever appeared on a stage, I mean I started doing comedy back there later, but first time I ever did comedy was a punk rock venue in London. They were having a festival of Scottish punk rock bands and all these cockney punks were there. I was about 18 or 19 years old and I was the drummer in one of the bands

and the lead singer said, we have to change equipment between the bands. So you go out and do, be funny to these cockney punks. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? No background. Stand-up comedy didn't exist in Britain then. It was only potatoes. That's all about it.

And so I went out on the stage. I wore a kilt because I thought that'd be funny and good. I was wearing a kilt. And I tried to tell jokes and stuff. They wouldn't shut up. They'd be like, oh, just a bunch of fucking ssh. They're not a very receptive crowd. And then there was girls at the front that were trying to look up my kilt. I was going like that. They wouldn't shut up, they'd be like, oh, just a bunch of fucking sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss He's not knocking, he's not knocking. And I had to go off the stage crying, crying. But you know the weird thing, and this is how you know you're a fucking stand up,

because I came off and I went, I got it to that kid. I think I got him at the end. I think I had him, I was nearly there. That knees knocking bit really worked, huh? I'm gonna leave that man. I'll start with the knees knocking, that was my problem. And then when did you get back over here and start really pursuing stand up?

Did you already have a good career over there and then came here? Did you come here and pop? No, neither, really. I mean, I had an OK career there. I was doing all right. I was getting like parts and shows and I was doing stand up. This is in Scotland. This is in London. A little of both. Colmey and Colmeby.

Were you based out of Scotland, though? No, I was in Scotland until it was about 24, 25. Okay. And then the girl that we got married. Right. We got divorced. I understand. At 24. So I moved down to London when I was about 24.

I still had, I was still drinking a lot. Okay. And have you guys heard of drugs? Yeah. Alright. So I was doing them. I'm a big fan. I was doing them.

Buddy, welcome to the show. Big fan. Right. So I was doing drugs as well. So I was taking the drugs and the drinking. And so my performance style was inconsistent. Understandable. Sometimes I was great. I have that now.

So it kind of came and went a little bit. I was doing okay. And then what happened was I got sober in London when I was 29. And then I was kind of like, I was keen to change things too, but I was still like the drunk to everybody. I couldn't like change the perception. And I always wanted to be in America anyway. I always want to go to America. And then I was doing the Edinburgh Festival, you know the Edinburgh Festival, right? So I was doing the Edinburgh Festival, you know, then of course. Right. So I was doing the Edinburgh Festival and a guy, an American guy called Rick Siegel, who was my manager,

who became my manager, he saw me there and he was like, You should come in. You've cleaned up your act. You've dropped twenty five pounds. Fuck it. Come over and I'll see if I can get you a gag. And I came over for two weeks in November 1994 and I'm still here. Whoa. No shit. Damn. Yeah.

Where did you move to when you came over? You go to L.A. or Angeles? Yeah. To L. Damn. Yeah. What did you move to when you came over? You go to LA or here? Los Angeles. Yeah. Went to LA. Yeah. I got a, I got, because I would have come here. Right. Because this is where I knew, but I went out to LA and they offered me a job. My first job was doing a sitcom that lasted like, uh, 20, I only lasted 10. Yeah. Uh, but. They used to come and go back in the day. The mid-season were a place. I mean, it was Yeah, but they used to come and go back. Oh my god the midseason replace

I mean, yeah, it was like they agree like to you get two episodes. Yeah, that's right the next thing wait So how long have you been doing stand-ups when you came over here? Oh, well since I was I mean I'd been doing it in Britain and stuff. They always 10 15 years I had this I kind of missed this bit. I had this character. I used to do called Bing Hitler, right? And I used to do this character. I thought it'd be funny. Different time, man. Different time. Do you know what? It was kind of funny. Sure. It was pretty funny. Like Bing Crosby in Hitler? No. I mean, yes, with the name thing, but there was no real reference to it. It was actually just a Scottish guy. That was just his name. But there was nothing in it about Nazis or crooning.

It was just a kind of weird character. And when I did that, and that was pretty successful. That did well. So I had been doing that. And that was kind of going all the time. That kind of came and went. I made a couple of albums with that as well, because we used to do comedy albums before comedy podcasts

or comedy albums. And you could know. Before comedy podcasts, comedy albums. And you could write 25 minutes every four years and you'd be fine. And there you go. Yeah, it's not like that. And then where did you land in LA? Were you working at the store? Where were you working?

No, I didn't. See, when I got to LA, I stopped doing stand up. OK. Because I kind of didn't know what to do. And went out as an actor. Yeah. And I got a job with I got a job with like my third edition with Betty White and Marie Osmond on a show called Maybe This Time.

And I became friend. I became friends with both of these women. It's crazy. They're both fucking. Well, Betty's gone now, but they're both fucking great. And Betty, you know, who was on my late night show every week when I was doing it, she and I stayed friends right until she died. And she was unbelievably nice to me. I turned up and had no fucking idea what I was doing.

And she was nice to me. She had great chops too. Oh my god. This is multicam sitcoms, studio, LA. So do you call back home and you're like, we're getting there, we're making it. Yeah, they're like, oh that's nice're we're getting there. We're making it. Yeah, they're like, oh, that's nice Yeah, they can't really wrap their head around it. Yeah, your brother's got a damaged testicle. He's going for an operation like, okay fine

Goldie died. Yeah Goldie Goldie Goldie 2 is doing okay Holy that's wild man, man That's crazy. And then what started to how far removed are we from the Drew Carey show? Oh, we're pretty close now. I mean, what happened was that I do this show and it's not working. And, you know, back then, when the shows weren't working, they would try other things. Like they'd add people to.

So they kind of did do that. Yeah. So the alien put a baby in. That's right. So they added a hot young stand-up comic to the cast. Uh-huh of maybe this time a Young gentleman called Dane cook no kid. Yeah, Dane was just starting out so Dane cuz I and he was as sweet as anything and funny as fun, and he was great and He came in and he started he was getting all the shit that I was getting. I was like fucking writing's on the wall for me. So I didn't know you couldn't do this, so I quit. I quit a sitcom, which was like crazy.

It was like Disney TV. And there was a guy called Dean Valentine, who was the head of, and he was meant to be really super scary and stuff like that. And I said to him, I wanna quit, this is not working for me, this show is not gonna work for me. And he's like- That's insane to do it at that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was nuts. And he said, okay.

And he let me quit, which he didn't have to do, he could have kept me there. And what happened was that I had to look for another job. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it quickly for you. Please. So I get this audition. I'm going on auditions and my buddy from Scotland is there, a guy, my oldest friend, and we're just kind of tooling around. I get this call to go for an audition. I said, send me the sides.

They used to send you like little bits of paper with your lines on it. So he sent me the sides. And it's for a sitcom called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Of course, yes. And the sides, the sides are for a part the part of the Hispanic photographer I'm good at acting I can do it like it. I can't do Spanish. That's I can do German

I control this one very well cancer photographer be from Germany So I'm like I'm not even gonna fucking go for this and my buddy who's there? He's like what what the fuck else are you doing you needed'm not even going to fucking go for this. And my buddy who's there is like, what the fuck else are you doing? You needed a surgery doctor? Go to a fucking audition. It's always that story. So I go to the audition.

And everybody in there, there's all these actors waiting. I said, everybody looks like Antonio Vandera. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I go in, and the Warner Brothers casting people are there. And so I try and do the lines. Everybody's there, and they're all doing it. And I try and do the lines with my best Mexican accent,

which I'm not gonna fucking do. But I sound like fucking Shrek and Speedy Gonzales, right? And I do, I fucking do this. And they're laughing their asses off and it's not working. But I'm laughing at it too. And at the end of it, the casting guy says, look look obviously this is some kind of mistake. I went no shit Oh, you don't think do you yeah, and then he said to me he said bar He said the Drew Carey show is looking for an English boss

Can you do an English accent and I said season you want just like And that's how I went in to do the Drew Carey show for like one episode and then that became three episodes and then Drew was like, you want to stay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, dude. Because I was really, like I remember I've told this before, I had 27 cents left. I don't know if you- After quitting the Betty White Show. Yeah, I'd spent it all.

On what? Fair enough. What am I'd spent all and and the So I just got through I don't know why actually you're right, I don't know why I got through because by that time I'm not doing drugs. I'm not drinking. I don't what the fuck I spent it right, but okay Probably if my guess is right probably representation Yeah, I'm saying sure certainly back then I also it's like at that time to you get a check at through that it's like half the taxes Managers a it's all you end up getting like 22% of it And where were you living right before you got the Drew Carey show?

We you'd we say you were I had a you didn't have a lot of, you didn't have money saved up. No, I had a rental place in Hollywood. By yourself? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then I met a girl, you know, and she moved in and then we got married. Okay. And we're not married.

I understand. Yeah. But we got married, we were married for a few years and we had my first kid. Okay. And he was born and that all happened around about that time. That's nuts. Yeah. That was it.

Yeah. The fucking Drew Carey show. Yeah. Yeah. It changed my life that thing. That's crazy. And I don't know if you've ever had 27 cents in a bank account. Yes, we have.

Well, you can. In my 40s. Yeah. I'm 49 now. You can't get it out. No. No. It costs a fucking dollar. Yeah, you're 27 cents. Yeah This is all very new to us. Yeah

This is from Raymore and Flanagan to these microphones aren't even on Holy wow now, okay, sorry. I was gonna say, even though, okay, so you just got married, you had a kid, but when you started getting those kind of checks on a 90s sitcom. Yeah. Good times. Amen. What was that like?

You had quit drinking, you had put your past behind you. Yeah. Were there any, was there a crazy big purchase or what was that like? A house, a car. I bought a house. Uh huh. And then during this time, I wrote a movie. OK, I used to write movies in my trailer like Norm McDonald. God rest him. He was he used to he was doing a sitcom across the way. I like Norman. Right. Lovely man.

And he said he would he would be out smoking cigarettes and I'd be in right movies in my trailer and he said I didn't realize what a Burning furnace of ambition you were I thought you were just like unsociable but I Dried these movies and one of the movies did really well as a's a movie called Saving Grace and it was about a lady who. That's not bad. Yeah. So about a middle aged lady who grows marijuana in her greenhouse to get herself a financial problem. And it and it did well and I made a bit of money.

So I bought a house in the Hollywood Hills, but I made a little more money. So I also bought an apartment in Paris. Bought an apartment been divorced. Yeah. you lose all your stuff. Okay, let's talk about Helix mattress. Oh, I just rolled out of a helix. I'll tell you right now you want an endorsement about a product. Helix mattress. I'm having a hard time getting out of it.

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Man. That's alright. Whoo. It's alright. It really is alright. I mean. Now, this is before the Late Late Show? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Alright. What year is the Late Late Show? 2000. We were looking at 2005. 2005. I started. We late late show yeah okay yeah right here's the late late show 2000 2005 2005 I started yeah 2004 they had that kind of like competition yeah you know are you smarter than a fifth grader or whatever it was to try and win the job

now from that one divorce that that kind of set you back to all not 27 cents but that it set you back to somewhat close close We need a job No, that's no I have a little kid too Yeah So and now I need a job But I also need a job keeps me in time because I don't want to disappear on this kid So I you know so now I got a I got to raise my kid I've got to find a job

I and I this time and I'm working in independent film and you And you have to leave town six weeks at a time, eight weeks at a time. And I'm looking for a job that's in town. And then I'm doing an independent movie in Winnipeg, Canada. And I get a call. And somebody says to me, hey, that was my rep at the time, said, hey, you've been on the Craig Kilborne show

a few times, haven't you? I went, yeah, do you want me to do it again? He said no he just quit they're like I was like what? He quit so they're having a kind of runoff and they want you to try out for it I'm like yeah right fuck it I never even thought about it but it's a job that's in town and that's like that's a cushy job in show business. Yes it is. It's hard work, it's day in day out. It's hard work.

I'm just saying, it's not, you know. But yeah, I mean that's like, you're in town, set hours, pray check, same place. And I had this little kid at the time, so like it's funny how the perception people have of your life, like they're like, oh you're living this big fancy show business like I had a I had a my Sylvia the nanny and Looking after my toddler while I'm on stage and I got off I changed his diaper Drive home daddy's bachelor pad where you know him are that's that's what we're doing man. That is fucking something It's crazy, isn't it? That's unbelievable, but you know then the show starts to be ahead and then you know things change a little bit yeah yeah that's all right pretty well what did happen that time is right down when I was broke and I was just

starting in the show I meet a girl and we get married did you I did third time third time but here's what happens we We're still married. Yay! We're still married. So I've got this little kid, and I meet this girl, and she's like beautiful, and she takes care of him. She takes care of us, and she comes into our lives, and everything gets different. Everything gets different. Holy shit.

And we're still married. Got another place in LA while you're doing the Late Late Show? Yeah, we got another place. You're doing all right. I didn't buy another place in Paris, you're doing the late late show? Yeah, we got another place. You're doing all right. Yeah, I didn't buy another place in Paris. There you go. What was the, at what year of that, you know, as you start in 2005, do you get like a one year contract?

A thrill? Like when are you like, all right, I'm set now as moving forward? I don't know that I ever felt. I don't. I mean, well, I got the I got the contract. What they did was at the time, the contract, you had to sign the contract before you even tried out for it. So the first year, that's right. I'll take 1500. I'll work for scale. Yeah, give it to me. Exactly. So you take nothing for the first year. But then if the show does well, like even although you're you're

only meant to get a certain amount for the second year, now at this point everyone's like, well, it's doing pretty well. And the good thing as well is that I'm working for World Wide Pants, who are actually a great company. Of course. That's Letterman. Of course. And Rob Burnett was working then, and he was running the company, and it really worked out.

And it kind of came together a little more. And because I worked for World Wide Pants, I was very protected from the corporate world of. Because of Letterman. Because Dave, Dave's fucking massive cahonies. I was just hiding behind Dave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like going, Dave, they're trying to get me to do something.

He's like, well, we got some music for that, Paul. And. Yeah. Holy shit. That's crazy, dude. Talk about a rise. That is something else. the the the the the

the the the I mean I I might have a little place out of town, you know Sometimes when the city gets a little hot buddy. We appreciate we get it. We appreciate it. Yeah Okay, but most of the time well actually less than 182 days a year in New York City Just in case anyone from the IRS And what part of town are you in in New York? Well, have you guys heard of the Upper East Side? Yeah, of course. It's the first place I lived when I moved up here. Oh really? Yeah, 81st and 1st.

That's pretty close. I don't think it's the same apartment. 81st and 1st is very close to the comic strip. The comic strip, there used to be, when I was here when I was 21, I was kind of thinking about, I'd done the Cockney thing. You remember that? You're just knocking it. So I thought, when I was here, I thought,

I'd love to try standup comedy again, see how it worked. And there used to be a thing at the comic strip, there was a guy who's died now, but it was a guy called Lucian Holt who was in charge of all that. And there used to be, you would go up there at 10 a.m. on a Monday morning and get a, there would be all these stand-up comedians waiting outside

these kids and you would take our Lottery ticket out of a basket and if your number was called they would pick ten people every Monday morning We've been in those lines. They still did it up until like eight or ten years ago All right so you pull the ticket and and if you get called the the following Monday you get a spot and it's kind of like an open the mic spot. And I pulled the ticket, I didn't get called and so I said to the guy, the barman who was running and the guy was just behind the bar, he was like, I said, what do I do with this then?

Do I come back next week and try again? And he said, where are you from? I said Scotland. And he went, oh, I've got to fucking see this. All right. So he put me in and I got a spot the following week and I did okay. I did okay. I got a few laughs and so they asked me back the following week to do it again. Now this time I'm starting to get worried because I can't earn any money because I don't have that visa. So I go back

the next week and, and it was okay. Everything worked out fine because I don't have that visa so I go back the next week and and it was okay everything worked out fine because I was shit and they said yeah guys a flash yeah yeah yeah so is your was it a son or a daughter you had with your second wife are you sad to two kids you have two kids two boys with with the same mom or different mom different mom okay? How far apart are they? About nine and a half about nine and a half years, so what are the vacations like now? What kind of stuff you guys like to do? Like some fucking asshole

You were selling milk on the back of a Fucking truth. All right, so Yeah, I got a lot of balloons You know the vacations are a little different what do you like what do you like to do? I'll be chill. Yeah, you know the truth is we we kind of don't take a ton of vacations Okay, we we have a place out of town that we go to that is right next to the beach. Okay, you know I don't think you're talking about wild Fuck you guys fuck this

Is this a little fishing town as well? Yeah, it's a little it's a little place Yeah, is there an economy airline close by? Maybe they fly over I'm trying to rework the flight pattern. Yeah talking to my Congress. I only won the airspace to 40,000 feet You get that thing up high you go by my out Talking to my Congress. No, I only own the airspace to 40,000 feet. You get that thing up high, you go buy my ad. Holy shit. No, what we do is we tend to kind of go there, or in New

York. I mean, I don't go on a lot of vacations. It's funny. Jay Leno was a pal of mine. I know you guys know Jay. But Jay is right. No, I don't know. We do not.

I know who he is. Oh, you know who he I don't know we do not Occasionally I'll do gigs with Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall But these guys are fucking great, I mean talking about fucking pros. They're amazing Talk about know where the money is the casinos. Let's go so they But Jay and He's kind of a blue-collar guy. Yeah came up, you know, yeah Yeah, and and and he was like I don't take make it what the fuck am I gonna do the vacation?

I tried it once it was fucking terrible. I terrible Sitting on the beach trying to read a book Yeah, the story where that word, you know I was sad when he fell down the hill not that long ago It was in front of like an Econo Lodge that he was hanging out. Why is Jay Leno staying at an Econo? Lodge wouldn't fucking believe this guy. So Like Jay will like there's no like you go on if you go into gigs with Jay like there's no entourage There's no there's no even a personal fucking assistant Just walking this is Jay and then he said to me and we had a couple of gigs who are quite

You know a fart in odd places. He had yeah, okay. Jay always travels private right? He's got private jet of course Hollywood royalty right Mr.. Leno so What do you mean? He's Hollywood royalty. Right. Mr. Leno. So Jay says, eh, do you want to ride in the jet? We're going to go to the thing. I'm like, uh, yeah, OK.

I'll ride in the jet. But you get on the jet after the gig, and it's this fucking baller jet. But Jay's sitting with his denim pants, his denim shirt unbuttoned after he's eaten pizza out of a box. Yeah, that's how you got to do it. And I'm like, he's like, you want a you gotta do it It's like you might be the pizza

Great man, all right, let's get into some are you going? We're 50 minutes One question I mean this the number We always ask how many suits do you own and you it would probably be hard to put a number on it. I don't know, like fucking hundreds. Do you keep... My agent, when I started in late night, we just put this thing as like, because they were paying me anything,

we were like, fuck them then, let's add this thing where you keep the suits. Now, that was just in at the beginning, so it's like one of these things in a bill that goes through, like you don't notice, but it's now in every contract. So every game show I did, every fucking, everything I've done, I've got all these fucking suits. That's awesome. And I, it sounds good, but now... It's probably a burden.

It is a burden. You have to get like another apartment for the suits. To paraphrase Biggie, more suits, more problems. I'm with you. Yeah. You look sharp in a suit. Can I tell you that? Thank you. You do wear the shit out of a suit. Thank you, I do enjoy it.

Let's talk about the let's talk about in the house a little bit. Do you guys are the kids grown up? Are they out of the house? My my youngest is 14. So okay. My oldest is 24. Gotcha. Are we doing family dinners? Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. We family. Close family, family dinners. Who's doing the cooking? My wife all the time. All the time. She good cook? She's great cook.

What about the grocery shopping here in New York? Are you guys going out to the grocery store? Are you getting things delivered? What are these called again? Yeah. You just have it sent in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I think so, yeah. Are you writing this shit down? Is there a point system? It's all up here. Yeah, this is the timing and weather you're garbage. No, we're coming over for dinner later. I want to see what we're having tonight. Well, it depends.

If we're in New York City, then, you know, you go to the store. Okay. If you're at this other place. If you're out of town, maybe you drive to the store. Okay, but you are going to the store. Go to the store, yeah. I can see you walking around. No, I do. I will go to the store and do that stuff. Are you a Whole Foods man? Are you?

Yeah, I tell you, I will be honest with this because, you know, Whole Foods is I get where we're what we're looking at with Whole Foods. But I will say this touring as long as I've been touring and the Whole Foods changed the fucking game. Because it used to be like if you could find a cracker barrel, that was it when you're on the road. And like, no disrespect to cracker barrel. the whole thing is a fucking game. Uh huh. Cuz it used to be like if you could find a Cracker Barrel, that was it. When you're on the road. And

like no no disrespect to Cracker Barrel. You know, some of their gravy is is is okay. But the but the but the Whole Foods things that you could always get something to eat. Sure. Most towns and that that's a big. That is good. Bar thing that they do. Yeah. You try to you try to eat right and take care of yourself these days?

I do now. I'm 63 in a couple weeks. I don't know if you can see, I went to a dermatologist. I know that doesn't make me garbage, but I went to a dermatologist and they had to burn off little bits of like pre-cataract shit. I'm doing that now. I have skin tags all over. Yeah, we do it out there. We don't have health insurance. Do you keep the butter on the counter or do you keep it in the fridge at the house?

I put it in the fridge my wife puts it on the counter. Okay. All right. Okay fair the ketchup Where do you keep that? Again, I would go for fridge. Actually no other way around my wife puts ketchup in the fridge I prefer it on the I like the ketchup to be room temperature. Okay. You know, like Beaujolais. I don't think they're quite the same thing, but fair enough. Some of the recent Beaujolais, I beg to differ.

Am I right, everyone? Ah, that's alright. Okay. Let's go into the bathroom. Okay. Are you peeing in the shower? Oh yeah. Okay. You brush your teeth in there? No, I don't do that. you. Uh let's go into the I think you don't have to do them at the same time. Do you floss every day? Not every day, but I do floss. You keep up with it.

Yeah, I try to, yeah. OK, Kippy? How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? I'm killing with the peanut gallery, the live studio audience. I love the rotisserie chicken. I will buy the warm rotisserie chicken and get home. There's always a bit of a dash to get home, because you get the warm rotisserie chicken, I will buy the warm rotisserie chicken and get home. It's always a bit of a dash to get home,

because you get the warm rotisserie chicken. But you've also got the fudgesicles, which are getting colder. You kind of have the tuna near next to the rotisserie chicken. But I like to get home before the rotisserie chicken is tepid. Yeah. I don't want it tepid.

Yeah, it changes. Yeah, it does. Coagulates a little bit. It's not the same. Once you get the, once the gravy gets a gel to it. Mm-hmm, it's tough. How do you, how do you get your, if you are eating a steak? How do you get your steak cooked? I don't really eat the steak anymore. Yeah, but it but when I would eat it, I

Go well That's a Scottish in you though. Yeah, yeah dirt bag Wait, hold on. What about these fudgesicles? You're a fudgicle man? Oh, I like fudgicles. Are you kidding me? No, come on. They're great. I love you. Man, I couldn't like the guy anymore. Yeah, fudgicles.

Fudgicles and root beer? Woo! Holy shit, you're speaking my language. That's right. That's how I fucking live. Holy shit. Will you take leftovers home from a restaurant? Yeah. And do you like a nice dinner?

Do you guys like you and the wife? You like to go out to a nice place? I like to go to places where they when they they give you the foil. It's in the shape of a swan. But my my my wife is much classier than that. But I do like the foil in a swan. The foil swan to me says class. I 100 percent. The epitome of class. Yeah, class yeah, do you caroling own a tennis racket? No fuck you

Have you ever played pickleball? No, no, but I but I have a urologist Do you own binoculars? I do I do I own a multiple sets of binoculars What kind of car you whipping around town in? I got a this I think this is gonna work for me here hit me. I have a ram 1500 big horn 5.7 liter fuck you guys Fuck you guys. Oh, that's amazing. You're right on the edge there. You got a ram look at you Yeah, I fucking have got a rap and you know what that's a guy who likes America Let me just show you my yeah

Well the way I do is this the way I see the ram is this I'm very worried about the environment sure So what I feel is to force big oil to make changes I feel we've got to use it all up there you go use it up and that'll fucking make them pay attention I respect that what what do you call it? You call it the remote or the clicker remote remote the remote? Yeah, you have any fireworks in the house currently not currently no. Oh, well. No I got some sparklers I always keep some sparklers cuz my wife's Cousins kids come over and they like the spark. Okay, the beds a king-size bed. I assume gotta be uh Which house?

What are you sleeping on that twin at the apartment? No, but the king size in the apartment But a queen size at the house. Yeah the country home as the manhattanites with money called and go to the country Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to change it though cuz yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's, you know, we've been married for a long time. If you need a couple bucks, let me know. And what are you sleeping in? Are you sleeping in undies? Are you sleeping in PJs? You got to listen to me here. This is fucking important.

Sleep is important to me. Of course. And about during the pandemic, actually, during the COVID, just ordering stuff online because there's nothing else to do. So I order a pair of shorty, short silk pajamas. I'm telling you, man, I have taken every drug I've heard of. Fuck them all, silk pajamas. Where am I supposed to try that?

That's the way to go. Like put down the Oxycontin and get some silk pajamas. Hey, why not both? Silk pajamas and fudgesicles. Talk about the duality of man. That would be like a speedball. Yeah, that could do it. At what age did you get your first tattoo,

and what age was the last tattoo? I see the tattoos on the arms there. The first tattoo was actually late, because my father hated tattoos. He thought that people should not have tattoos. So when my father died, I thought, what better way to remember a man who hated tattoos and get a tattoo?

The Celtic paradox. So I got the family crest tattooed there. I have to say, that is the first trashy tattoo everybody gets. Yeah. The family name something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my father died. And then I didn't think about it for a while.

And then about a few years later, my mom and I was like very sad obviously and then a few months after My mom had died I started to kind of hear her in my head like oh you got a tattoo for your father But you don't get a tattoo for your mother So I had to get my mother tattooed there But as I'm getting this tattoo of my mother's family on here the guy is giving the ink says, you know it's unlucky to have an even number of tattoos. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know that. He said, so you better get a third. And I'm like, oh, okay.

And I'd recently become an American citizen. So I thought, well, give me this one here. That's the ink. Oh, you got the snake. Yeah. Damn, dude, this guy's in it. Yeah. So I have to, so I get through, and then after that,

it's fucking crazy. But when I get, and then after that yeah, it's crazy, but When I get I don't know if you guys think right now, right? So I feel like a pussy Yeah, shit, he just says if we're inked and we had to say no Fuck, you know a few years ago that would have been true now if you've got ink it probably means you're a fucking orthodontist but Down here. That's the most hurty part of getting a tattoo I've ever had. Apparently, this is sore too, but I don't know.

Yeah, here the ribs are bad. But this was very, very hurty. Don't do it. You got to have, what, 12 now, something like that? I don't even know. They're kind of all over the place now. Do you do any cologne? Are you a cologne guy?

You know, I don't. Nothing. I used to. OK. And I kind of just don't what were you rocking back in the day Davidoff cool water you were yeah holy shit you know what I gotta tell you I still fucking love it yeah and every time if I'm in an airport I'm like, I should probably grab a bottle. I love only at the airport.

That's the only place you can fucking get it. Who's cutting the hair these days? The last person to cut it was a lady called Vegas. Do you go to her or do they come to you? No, I just walk in and she said my name is Vegas. I'd never met her before. No kidding. It's not bad though, right?

You've got a great head of hair. Good looking guy. Good looking guy. Thank you. 100%. No, it's not bad though right? Where you got a great head of hair? Good-looking guy. Thank you. I mean listen. Is this a club ah? You know Yeah, I mean Well you guys coming to decision. I feel like it's is this the we're getting there, okay? There's when you fly commercial Well you always like when you bring anything on the plane with you. We bring food on the plane Yeah, what are you talking about? Oh a sandwich or something from the not like tuna or anything no no fish on the plane

No, but but maybe maybe a sandwich. I don't like to eat on the plane I feel like the plane is a flying bathroom, and I don't like even a long long flight I don't take your shoes off on the plane. Yes put the seat back Depends okay It depends, you know as the circumstances arise But I have to say most of the time these days when I fly the seat back going back doesn't seem to be an issue Understand I know exactly what you get the lay flat. I'd like to hear that. Yeah. If you're saying you're in the fuselage, I'd be upset.

Yeah. I'm just, you know, I'm near that. It's good because as the people come on to sit behind you, you can judge them. Yeah. That's what we do too. You guys do Christmas at the house? Yep.

Colored lights, white lights on the tree. White lights on the tree. My wife is classy. There's no way she's garbage. OK. So white lights on the tree. All right. I love's no way she's garbage. Okay, so that makes sense All right, I love how he knew the white lights were classy. Yeah. Oh, yeah What about the nails you biting the nails? No, no, I don't think so you do anything to them

No, I got a clipper you do the clip. Yeah, but yeah, but I don't do the the toes every time and Sometimes these days I try and do this when I'm clipping the toes. I try and be on my own. Yeah. That's classy. Any bad toenails? You got a bad? I had one for a while but it's cleared up. I go. Apparently when you get COVID, I got COVID. I'm sure we've all had it. If you haven't, I got it right now. Yeah. You, you get a, I got something called COVID toe, which I think think was probably you're making that up You know, maybe I made it up What does it do turn your nail black it went a little weird and okay that kind of went like a hook A little bit of a hook to get in there. Yeah. No, anyways cleared up. I mean the guys trash what are you doing?

He's come on dead ringer for trash and the f1 theater the ram the ram Dead ringer for trash and the f1 theater the the ram ram Yeah, you know with the American hat dude. Yeah, I love it. Mr. Craig Ferguson 100% garbage. Yeah I'm very pleased Gang the special I'm so happy is on YouTube right now Right a joy a podcast you can listen to that if you want and of course you're on tour pants on fire tour the Craig Ferguson show comm I mean an absolute legend. Yeah, we can't thank you enough for coming in for having me. I really appreciate we love you Congratulations on everything that story was was inspiring and unbelievable. Oh, thanks, and we really mean it. You're one of the true greats Yes, thank you, sir. See you on the Upper East Side. Kippy, what

are you? And we're coming over for dinner tonight. Guys, we saw some of the RU Garbage Car Game available at RUGarbage.com and we're on tour as well. Get those tickets now. Craig, we love you. Yeah, man. Gang, we love you. We'll see

you next week. Peace.