Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Dan Soder Returns!

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Dan Soder! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Lucy: https://lucy.co Promo Code: Garbage Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hachi Machi gang that state trashy tour is a cook in May we're coming down to Tampa, Florida a couple of tickets left Then we're going to Danny Beach floor Then we're going up to Raleigh, North Carolina to good nights come out and see us. It's a good time. Yeah gang And that ain't it. We're also going to Louisville, Kentucky Cleveland, Ohio Columbus, Ohio We're moving some tickets if don't don't miss out get them now. Yes, do you lose? Welcome to another exciting edition of are you? Garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley

Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I think you're going to be classy Yeah, just a mega old piece of trash I'm your host States Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition baby She wants to remind you if you're coming by use the side door. She don't want you traipsing mud through the new parlor I'll tell you that right now. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me He is an international business man, and I'll tell you what right now my best pal in the whole wide world And I love them give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what's up everybody?

Thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate view subscribe on item full video available and YouTube as you know Those numbers are Then obviously I'd be remissed an asshole and J. Oh if I didn't sing it if I didn't mention the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com slash are you garbage gang check it out? It's a goddamn party over there Love that money and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinary the magic band makes us all look good works The ones works to twos the threes and the fours he crosses the T's and he dots the eyes Uh-huh, and now you can get a little peek at them on a toby cam give it up for T-bone Mcscruff and Stoby McBall and everybody What up, dude?

Yo, this guy we got in here is a type of dude You can't introduce to your dog because your dog will love him more than He is part Labrador I believe He's a goddamn rock star a long heriant lion We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today Third or fourth appearance here on the show first time you're in the new edition We're so happy to have him. Of course, you know him from billions He's on tour right now do yourself a favor get some goddamn tickies at dance odor calm and give it up for Dan Soder

I'm fully back and yeah, we've already determined. I am garbage. So now we're just picking through it Now it's just time to pick through that welcome to this place is fucking off. Thanks. I was like walking around For the for the viewers at home this place is on it's so cool. Thank you. It's so cool to see you guys have this Yeah, and I mean the idea was like if you know two dirtbags at the lottery what how they would I would want to live here I wanted a big buck on a machine since I've been 19 years old, but there are you guys both booze Gotta be a time One night where you're just like in the city. You don't want to go home and you're like I go sleep at the studio

I would be tempted to sleep at the studio so much. He's already asking like we can't allow it just yet Why would they get mad? I don't think so, but we'll move in like whole like properly of the girl go in here We'll have family members day in here. You guys have a working kitchen too, right? Yeah, not like there's no Stover anything right good therapy. I'm gonna hop like I was gonna say What are you guys just be cooking a foley's in the back on the hot plate? Slicing over sausages slicing garlic with a razor Steaks like a good fellas. Yeah, dude. I love you guys squatting in your podcast

Cuz the second we do it once it's fucking game over dude. We'll all be in here. I'll be divorced Yeah, I always was like one of those kids where I was like I could I like wanted to live in a van when I was a kid Cuz I was like this is my like uncle had a topper to his truck, you know It's tight and that on top and I remember we were visiting my uncle and I was like I sleep in there Wait, it was a truck with the cabin on it. Yeah, you put like the Winnevego s cap on it It goes down over and that's where the bed is. Yeah, and I was like I was so hyped on sleeping up there He's like I have a nice cabin here in Carbondale, Colorado, and I was like Let me see the keys that truck old man

I can't sure dude, whatever till you catch a glimpse of your first spider up there in the corner. Oh, yeah I almost just went on smash patrol Get away from me. The trashiest one is the little the one that you tell the little cabin that you pop up one Yeah, that is pretty shitty. Yeah, I kind of like them like I my neighbor had one and I wanted one So yeah, that's what you see them and you're like cuz in Colorado. There's a lot of Winnevegos I love a Winnevego Not like the cool big ones like the tour buses that you see sure I like the ones that people in Arizona have Yeah, no birds. I'm talking about in bikes on the back

Crazy don't want to curl you would see the people come in on the winter when I lived in Tucson You would see all the snowbirds come down and they're fucking giant Winnevegos and you're like damn you got a house on wheels What's a snowbird exactly? Those are the people that are from like Minnesota or cold places who leave and come to Arizona and not and like November through February yeah, people go to Florida. Yeah in the winter or snowbirds exactly and they stay in the Winnevego that whole season Well those people that live in the heat they get all angry and then they have to come up with terms for it. Yeah God damn I don't like the water in those things. No, they're never good. Yeah drinking that water bad water pressure It's still crucial. It really was a very fleeting moment in my life of

Six to eight years old that I wanted to sleep in a Winnevego and then now I'm like, it's cool Like tour buses. I would like to get to that point. Mm-hmm, but I don't yearn for it. Sure. You sleep good on them We we did it with Bert for a couple of nights. I slept like a bath. I think about it Weekly because I'm going I'm doing the first weekend of the fully loaded tour now Oh, I'm gonna be on the bus with big J and Norton best sleep buddy. Yeah, your buddies are all around Yeah, Bert was sleeping right next to me. It felt like having your dad snuggled next. I don't even know what that's like You guys might fill a hole I've had since I was five. Oh, it feels real good. I'm gonna be like dude fucking Bert Just let me sleep on your boss

REM sleep. No one the professional drivers driving you're in. I was I was a little concerned when they were like, all right Just go to bed with your feet facing the driver. So you don't immediately break your neck and I was like Okay, I was about 400 deep at the time. So I don't want to get clipped And we heard everybody yelling but live. Oh my god, dude. If I I like to take edibles before I go to bed I feel like that would fuck. No man cozy in there, dude. It's cozy And that's a little light in there a little hearty boys book Like that it's very calm and the hum of the boss put you right out You guys are probably too young for this but for a while they sold these things you can get like gi Joe the transformers the 18

WWF and it was it was like a tent that it had a fitted sheet on the bottom But you would put over your bed and then it had like the little wires and it was a little tent on top of your bed Oh, no Clean living dude. Are you see that's a thing had my comic books couple of GI How big are we talking here? It was like it would just be like the side It would look like a tent on top of like shaped like your bed because what I would do and as most kids would do is you'd get under Your comforter with a flashlight or something. Oh, yeah, then you'd be breathing that hot Humid air after like two minutes every time in a movie when someone's reading under a blanket

I'm like bullshit because you got to crack that thing you ain't finishing that chapter And then put it back down Yeah, but I would have Great he saw the end table behind me goes this is where I used to keep my guys There's exactly that looked like exactly like the end table we had at the end of our couch That was all and you just open the door and toys would flood out Yeah, you pick through them Wasn't always great when like, you know, you would get yelled at enough or whatever every once in a while

You cleaned all your guys up like I kept them all into the bed and it was usually a mess But then in every Saturday, you know every some Saturday, I would take it all out I'd organize everybody I'd line the cars up. That's great all the vehicles up. Yeah, like a Cribs episode You're like, hey, what's up, it's me Cobra commander You know me from trying to dominate the world Here's a couple of my my whips This is where the magic happens That's what I fuck each other

It was devastating find out a lot of it was a lot of those were fake a lot of the Cribs houses were fake red man They were just rented red man came on the bonfire and he was like that was a hundred percent The thing that I didn't even it was in Brick City Yeah, but he told he said something that made me laugh so fucking hard where he was like they showed up earlier than they were supposed to So he just let him in and it was like yeah film here B roll I'm going back to sleep and I just went up and slept for like another two hours then came downstairs It was like all right. What do I need to do red man's stick? He's the guy Yeah, he had like cereal on top of their fridges

He hadn't I've always want to want a dollar box. You just throw a crumpled up a couple of dollars in there And then we need milk you need bread go to the dollar box. I have had a change bag since 2008 quip Reagan Zip locks filled with quarters or whatever but coin stars jamming up Yeah, there's one of the Bronx. I had to go to when I was in a real bad pinch about two years ago I have a giant bag of change that I've been saving for fucking 16 years and it's full. I Need to go somewhere. You gotta go to a coin star. They take a piece. You got to go to a suburban

Coin stars in the city. There's not that many and they don't like doing anything over like a hundred bucks because there's not enough cash in the I've I used to be a long-term dirt bank. I loved coin star. I was the best. Yeah But I so that old habit sure remained However, I didn't need the money. So I never drained the back. So I just have this like Legitimately 10 10 pounds. I would think it's a 10 pound bag a couple G's baby. No, I don't know I don't know I see 16 years. I'll tell you guys what it is. Should be 70 grand in there It's like this wide this deep and it's like it's like three of the giant Zip-a-lan ziplocs inside of each other. I mean Katie is like, all right, bud

We're not taking this into the new apartment. Where do I take this chain? You can't do it at banks anymore, they stopped doing yeah, well the TD Bank was skimming they all got jammed up Listen, I'll sit down with a guy Who can give me a free pen and we can negotiate on 5% of the chain? Sure I just I don't want to have to go lollipops for life. Yeah, dude I want some checks with my new address on it and I want some change. I just I don't know where to take it Yeah, you got to go to what you're gonna have to do is I take mine Put it in the safe deposit to my mom's house real fancy, but I can't take it the Colorado

No, no, I know but I'm just saying you go to if you go to a suburban a suburban supermarket Because they still have them. So I might what I might do is While we're renovating out in Jersey, I might get a zip car. They go and then drive it The cars around a cash change. You're gonna hire somebody to go with you Yeah, you gotta watch out for bandits that was the poorest statement. I've ever heard anybody say I might rent a zip car to go cash in my chain of Katie come with me She knows Krav Magal. She's right shotgun She's like step away from them

I give her a little lady pink little pink Just hurt anybody gets close give them the business. Yeah Get the Pinkerton's with you. Yeah, I'm like fucking you shoot them the second they ride up on me. What about the new spot? Yeah Give us give us the scoop now. I know you were you were out in a story of for a long time I was in a story of for 15 years Famously one of the people use like look at sir. He's still living with Vecchia. Oh, dude We just lived in an old subway car. We live the theory. We lived in a we just lived

for stand-up it was like Living at the boxing gym It was incredible because I could wake up in the morning and after like doing like three sets that I before be like Anybody do this joke and Vecchia will be like no or like yeah, someone does something similar and you're like It was great. It was great, but yeah, I lived in Astoria I moved to Hoboken when I first moved out here I lived on a buddy's couch for like seven months then I moved to my apartment under the train Mm-hmm. That was it for so long for 15 and a half years

Easy you were on television a lot. I've done five seasons Yeah, I did five seasons of billions I did five seasons I did five years of the bonfire and I had been touring non-stop since 2012 and I just that's Crazy like to stay on the streets near the people. There wasn't a reason My landlord wasn't raising the rent. It was a comfortable apartment Sure It was basically a two and a half bedroom because I lived in the half bedroom for seven years, but It was ten minutes from LaGuardia, that's big 30 minutes from JFK I

Could ride the train into the city I didn't need which was wild I went there once to film something I think in the in the pandemic and I had heard about this apartment Yeah, and I was like, there's no way this is it. It was you could literally you could jump from the second floor On of the train track. Yeah, it was one of the ones where if you kept the windows open in the spring It was the train covered and it's you know, it was the end. It was the NQ is popular train line Talking about the effort Track the G train get out of here. We're talking elevated. We're talking a main line and it was like multiple cars always had construction too always and you just hear

Like slowing stop and I would go outside and smoke dude I when I was smoking cigarettes I'd be on the phone with my mom and like she would just know I'd be like train and she'd shut up shut up All right, we're good. What's up eight minutes later train But I just fucking I was used to it and I didn't bother me it bothered the women I dated more than it bothered me You think yeah, I don't care. Yeah, I know, but that's do you guess what didn't bother Katie and look who I'm married Shout out to her at some point you definitely look at Paul G a body or like my roommate's pretty tight I was like my roommate a single-leg takedown you

Don't you come for me or Mike Vecchio? It'll fuck your shit up You live by the train, but it was like why would you live now? but it is uh, I loved it. I didn't mind it and then pandemic happened and Yeah, I remember you moved out with Katie Mike's Katie moved in was like, okay. She's gonna come stay with us and my Katie was out in Jersey in her apartment by herself I was like, well come out there and then we got a dog and then it just you know, and that was it So you were there and now you guys are moving into the city. I remember you telling me about this Yeah, so we would we've been looking to move into the city for a while

And then finally we just found a place by you got like two blocks away from here right and undisclosed location undisclosed location But it was it was it's awesome. We're like in the process of moving in right now And I've never I lived in Manhattan kind of Covid I found a real good. I remember that we had just I think that was one of your last No, that's when Katie did it. You were going to move. You're like, he was moving in when we were moving out We were moving out and Katie like his owner apartment or whatever and I was like, listen, I'm comfortable living with you but I don't want to feel like It this wasn't a decision like this had to happen right Vecchione and his show with your quarters. Yeah, I did

Hey, where you keep the quarters? But it was the thing where Vecchione and Katie his girlfriend moved in together and then I got a fucking deal a deal that I was like It was on 23rd and park and I was like, I remember that I was like, there's no way I'll ever be able to get a deal this good and the the Real estate guy was like, this is one of the last covid deals I've seen in the city of like It this is a covid deal like take this and so I was like, yeah, he's like, but the problem is it's a 10 month lease

And I was like, that's weird And then I saw why because after the 10 months they're like, so we're gonna go back to the original price And it was 45% extra what I was playing So I was like, yeah, fuck this. This isn't even that nice of an apartment and but I didn't stay I'd stayed at I stayed with Katie the whole time that whole time because her and the dog were out there. Sure. And so like I I would stay at the apartment Sometime like she weren't she went and did the Olympics for NBC. So she had to go up to Connecticut

I stayed in the apartment then it was cool But this is like us First place together before no one else has lived there. You're in there uniting And you said you guys you're keeping the place out there and you're gonna rent it out Yeah, yeah, that's how we got this place. There you go. But it's like and you're renting this place Yeah, we're renting this place. We wanted to do a year or two in the city to be like, let's live in this city I like it. I like it. Let's live in the city before we go to the burbs. Let's fucking do it. There you go And so I think, you know, and then of course I left my radio job right as we did

See you later steady page I had a salary first time in a doorman building you said, yeah, dude, it's crazy. I'm too nice I do you feel we you have to I've I'd have never lived in a I've had to stop myself twice from all we're all dirtbags cut from the same cloth I would try to hold the door for him. I Have had to stop myself twice from Offering to get him something at Dwayne reed when I'm going across You need a coffee. So I did that the first you want these guys in your pocket. I know well you want them to like you

ever kill a hooker or something They're like miss katie won't even know that she was up Mr. Dan you buy me coffee You give me a ginger ale once every three weeks But I this I uh like, you know, eight or nine years ago. I dated this wealthy girl It's the first girl I ever dated that lived in a uh Doorman building and I did I was like, hey, I'm going to cvs. You want anything and he was like What man you ain't from around here and she I told her I was like, yeah, I want to give him a soda

He got weird. She's like, don't do that. Yeah, I was like, is that bad? They make use of service entrance. I did. I really I would have felt more comfortable To go through through some weird stained glass door. He's got a jumpsuit on like he's there to fix something Yeah, I go I'll ride up in the service. Oh, those are my people when you guys moved in you used a moving company Yeah, so that was all done. But did they did the door guys have to do anything They've been great. Did you grease this guy? Did you grease them when you got in there to set the tone? No throw him a honey Out of grease. Okay. You gotta agree. Just what just give him a hundred. Yeah. Hey, thanks for everything. Here you go

It's for you. I have him. How long he has been in there and maybe give me a hundred The movers are coming next monday. Oh, so you haven't even moved in yet. We have but we've had furniture delivered Okay, who's coordinating that she is. Okay. All right. And is there multiple doorman or just the same guy every day Multiple so this so this is why I haven't greased the door because when Christmas comes Buddy, you got to grease them now. But then yeah, you got to grease though And a nice play I used to work for rich people and I would have to tip their their building staff for them Like write the checks and they'll most buildings will send out. Oh, I know my one on park did they go Hey, here's this is for the porters. It's for the door guy. It's for the overnight door guy. It's for the super

Well, these are all These are all of our all stars Is this a big operation or is there about three or four guys? It's a big operation. It's a big up Do you know who the head guy is? No, you're gonna have to whack him real quick take him out I gotta figure this out. Now. You're running. This is fun. Yeah, you're running the door. I feel like I'm gonna be a private investigator I'm gonna go but katie. That's not where the book that's not where the book stops Apparently bullios involved as well goes all the way to carol in the leasing office And then I walked it back these lobs. They don't even open the back door. Yeah, but let's talk about lucy lucy lucy lucy lucy

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This deal ends may 14th. So don't wait. You snooze you lose terms and conditions apply now back to the show What's the maintenance guy situation? I don't know. I met him briefly You got to make on moving day Make sure you bang him out because they're gonna make sure you got the elevator Yes, you gotta call one of the ladies in the leasing office to reserve the elevator. Cool. So I'm on the phone with them But he'll I gotta grease her too She's a salaried employee. She's not boots on the ground. Anybody boots on the ground. I'm going by the leasing office. They go now I uh, I know he said 12 months. Why don't we make it 14?

Drop a bag of change on the table And you could take that out to a red bank I need that ziplock back though If you want to take go to new jersey off highway 17 There's a coin star. I hear there's a coin star with no lines If you've hit the if you've hit the west elm you've gone too far Yeah, I I it this is all new. It's all new to us. Yeah, I love it You gotta bang that guy out that day because he's gonna make everything go real smooth

He'll make sure you got the parking spot out front and all that shit It's gonna be funny when I walk up and I go my friend told me I have to bang you out Now you want to do this in my place or yours Sorry, I don't know how sex with people who live here. I go. Oh, okay. I see how that came off That at least doesn't actually start until next week. So, you know, okay Yes, so it's been it's been fun like that's all going to sets Like tonight I got sets at the stand. You're just go down there do it and I can walk Oh, you're walkable. It's crazy. Uh, I walked a therapy today. Wow. It's crazy

I'm so excited. We got a king-sized bed. That's big. That's the first time for a new yorker king-sized bed First-ever king-sized bed first ever really big. That's huge. Look out. Oh And is she quarterback in the decor and all that stuff she I took care of the bed. She took care of everything else Nice. Have you eaten in the bed yet? No, we haven't even slept in the bed yet. Tonight's gonna be our first night with But I like where your head's at Well, we'll be munching we have big we have we have big I bought a big like uh Trey thing for my old apartment. We'll be eating on that in the bed. Nice What what's the kitchen looking like you got stainless steel? It's not that like crazy nice. It's nice, but it's not like it's not like

Holy shit. It's close. It's close to I love it. We got a we're up. We're high up. So we got a good view That's awesome. Very like when I went to jay when jay moved into his place like two years ago like like right during the pandemic I was floored by his view. Yeah He's downtown, right? No, he's up on he's on the west side. He's and I just love how I knew that I love a view. Oh, that's where my all right. I just love I'm a simple make you feel better, dude I'm a very simple boy. Let me stare out at something a little bit of sun on my face Katie's got a view of the city of her apartment in jersey and I'm like

I just stare at it and she's like she's like what what is that? Yeah, I'm like, that's so cool I know stare next to a fucking train. I was under I was looking at train I mean the legs of a train of train I knew pigeons by name I miss my friends I miss my family look who's moving out Big time tv star guy falls in love and he ain't the same Feggots where he came from pigeon with one leg judging you. Oh, dude. I missed those pigeons. I missed the lady, dude

I went and did um I where did I go? I was in the story for something. I was doing staves podcast And and I and I was like king of the story I was like, I'm gonna walk back to the train. I had to get in come to the city So I was like I'll walk to my old train stop and there's the Dunkin Donuts And baby I saw the Indian ladies pop for me They used to love me, dude. I would go to the Dunkin Donuts every day sometimes twice a day and I'd come in there And they knew medium coffee medium iced coffee two creams that is new every time

And I hadn't seen that woman in two years and I walked in and she was Well, hello It was touching. I was like, hey, that's a new york moment. I was like, how you been and she was like good She's like, what are you and I was like, I live in new jersey now, but I went I saw a friend here. She's like, oh Okay, and then we you run out of coverage. Yeah, right away. Yeah, you see Okay, but dude, I mean I was that was my Dunkin Donuts for 15 years I used to get the Dunkin run up the stairs if the train was there I hated Dunkin. Are you a Starbucks or are you a Dunkin guy? I'm Dunkin, but there's just a Starbucks right by us

Yeah, Dunkin Dunkin's in New York. You're in the city now. What do you know? There is like a cool coffee place that I saw Called like rays or something that I was like, oh, I'll have to go give that a try But uh, it's crazy being in the city. There's there's a Dwayne reed two blocks away from my house. You're just in there hanging out I just I was I was buying something Anything I really didn't have the thought when I was buying something the other day where I was like Probably gotta get to know everyone that works here I want to be a regular Dwayne reed

Are you doing Sam those birthday cards are looking stocked Hey, you got the Easter stuff in already Oh, yeah, 50% off. Huh? It's like get that bunny the fuck out of here. Anyways, who's working the register today? You know, you made it when the deodorant's not locked up Are they giving you the keys? Ah, Dan, we trust you. Here's a little red key. Imagine having your own key. I would love that, dude Keys to the place You're a good kid. I'm gonna go get these Gillettes I'll go get these razors do to everything. Dan watch the register. I gotta run. I gotta run to take a piss real quick

You have phone number with us I just started taking people you're selling the car. Do you want to sign up today? I would sign up You're gonna get like 15% off Yeah, I mean, you know, apparently you're doing pretty well, dude The one in Queens, man, everything's locked up. Literally everything is locked up. Really every single thing is locked You got a hit button for everybody. Oh, then they're like mad at you. I feel like yeah I'm like, I feel like I'm knocking on their apartment door being like, hey, can you help me get the odor in? Like, yeah, I just want toothpaste and they're like

Dude, uh, you want the enamel cleaner? You know, like Of course getting the sense of nine. What am I? Yeah, sense of nine's all that's how you know you're getting old Is when you get super jacked for like Uh, like almost pharmaceutical Like yeah, I don't even need a prescription for this. Oh, look at all the benefits of what it does But when you're a kid you're like, can it be made of candy? Can I get a sugar it? Yeah, cookies and cream Toothpaste and now you're like, hey, what uh, what are the dentists using? Yeah, yeah, kids. Toothpaste now is awesome

I use my nieces and nephews not that long ago. Put it on put it on toast He's just side-huffing it It was like laughy-tap I was school He goes, sorry, I got a lot of cine crystals in my in between my teeth. It feels like I'm chewing on sand Yeah When you guys since you guys have had money, do you guys like uh, have you gone to like a nicer dentist a nice toothbrush?

Still haven't gone to the dentist. I haven't I haven't been to the dentist in about 10 years Maybe longer what you go regularly once I started going dude You're in I don't I went in Queens. I found a guy on on group on Yikes, that was a I my my wife got me a one on group on and I went and it was such a scam Dude, they tried up selling me for like full set of braces for my mouth and my leg I didn't have any money. So it was a hundred dollars for a cleaning And the guy was that's what I got and the guy was like I'll toss in x-rays for like

Extra 70 bucks and I was like, well, how can I not but the dentist came out and he was so fake tan And he was wearing like or scrubs. Yeah, which I was like What are we doing guy? I can understand the white jacket, but we're gonna operate I'm at the smile cafe I just didn't trust it. I was like this guy He was like a porn dentist. Yeah, dude. He was coming in being like Open wide. I'm not even exaggerating. The woman I had was a fucking Brazilian knockout. Really? It's Out she had a dress on with this with this with the white jacket over it

And she's like you need to do this and this and this and I was I had my checkbook out ready to go There you go. Give me all new teeth Uh, yeah, whatever you say miss. Will you like me if I have all new teeth? And she's leading you like a guy with nice teeth I tell you anything she goes. Yes Dude just leaning. Oh, it was And now my dentist I felt because my wife got it for me. It felt like a setup. Where's your dentist now? In the city in midtown. Look at him

Well, I got one tell him nothing the producers on the bonfire had one that was like across the street And I was like, oh, that'll be great. So I can just go to the dentist and be right here at work So I still use her She's too cool. She's like, hey, what's up, bro? No, she's like looking good. I'm like really because It feels like it hurts and she was like, nah, that's just you being a puss nut check No, she's just like very casual with the ball tabs. Yeah, she's very casual about it. She's like, no, you're fine and you're like I'm fine. She's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm gonna go on the road and eat a lot of candy Have some for me

That's one of the reasons why I'm also lazy and scared to go. Yeah, but though everyone in queens just looks like Like they also sell like insurance policy. Well, they're like they're like in the apartment building type thing There's there's an orthodontist in my apartment building Well, the one I went to in queens with the fucking porn tan was in just a house On 24th avenue. I don't want to smell soup when I walk in there. Do you know a lot of potatoes? Yeah, you don't like walking it like the waiting room's the sun room And then you're like in the living room with the there's a kid running around dude. I just didn't like it

I was like asking me what I did while I was like his hands were in my mouth. I'm like, let's not do this right now Yeah, they have the old kid toys in there. Like those little weird things Yeah, I'll creep that He would think you know what's weird is dentists are hated by children But the amount of pedophiles of dentists pretty low so low compared to like for how they're feared For what how they're feared by kids priests should be a lot more feared than I think I think I've taken a lot. I've had a I've had a tough road

And I think children need to apologize to dentists They do and you know why there's there's probably not a lot of pedophilia in dentists because those guys are getting fucking laid You know, I are they well, what? Well, here's the young dentists. They always have a hot fucking high dental hygienists They get a hot dental hygienist. So it goes one of two ways the good way it breaks with dentists They're attractive, you know, they're like young cool dudes. They got hot dental hot hygienists I don't even know how you say that word, but you got it. They like have like an assistant You know like a like a magician that's hot and then they bang her now the evil dentists

Put you to sleep and touch you when you're under So you don't get pedophiled. What's his number, huh? There's two sides of a coin You're gonna get assaulted by this guy But you're just probably gonna be asleep And then you wake up and you're like Yeah, the tim wattley. Yeah, he's buttoning it. Yes. Sometimes I talk Yeah, it is. You're like, that's the thing I worry about dentists is them putting you under Yeah, you're about to fucking touch me

You have dental insurance or you pay out of pocket insurance Damn this guy's Sag after it Sag, right, right, right I need a cleaning stat couple x-rays. Oh man, you get that That white strips get get my head on straight You know, it's the best as you get that that cleaning I don't know about you guys when I go home and I look in the mirror and I go

And I suck the air through my teeth. I don't feel good It's like It's like it's like chewing a nice piece of gum. Yeah Okay, you go look at all Look at all that space Because normally it's just filled with plaque. Oh, yeah, dude between the coffee and the burnies. I'm fucking Oh my god, I'm done. Are you flossing every day? No, never. See, I floss every day. I'm on top of that. Yeah. No, I'm not even I'm not working out right now

I gotta start working out then. It goes cardio. Yeah, weightlifting. Yeah, I get winded walking upstairs I need to get the cardio back and then I'll take care of the chompers. Oh, that's funny Um, well, buddy, we're so happy for you. Yeah, that's great. You're a full grown boy now, Dan It's wild. It's wild to live in the city. It's pretty cool. Yeah, any amenities are needed, Jim I got Jim in the building. Jim in the building. So it's time to lose these. Yeah, what about uh, These are this. Is there a game room or anything like that? No, there is a cool like, um Well, it's funny is there's like you can rent a space. Yeah, like the common space Yeah, like a birthday party, but then they have like a place in the basement

That's like really just common like you can just go down there and work. Okay. Wifi or whatever Which you never will we already I did use it when we didn't have our furniture in In st. Germain and I were working on something and I was like, we can we can meet in the city and we were We had been going to like starbucks and shit and I was like, let's go to my new building We're gonna sit in the basement and work But what happened is I tried to rent the space guys who feel comfortable in the basement. You went st. Germain Let's go underground also two guys Who don't look like they should be in that building

You guys supposed to be working right now st. Germain's like, oh, I don't know man. I crawled in through a water tunnel But they he always has the energy of a st. Germain when he comes out of the rhino That's that's I love him. That's st. Germain and then there's a constant vibe over explaining being like actually it's okay but we uh We we we did that and then but what's funny is there is a place you can rent out Like that's like a workspace. And so I had to just sign the lease and I called and I knew I had to meet up with st. Germain And I was like, all right It's I called the building and I was like can't look at a reserve it

Two people for like four hours and she was like great great great great um Just gonna need the payment and I was like we need the payment. She's like well this This like space on one of the floors like cost money and I was like, oh well, how much does it cost? She's like 125 an hour. Yeah, I'm good. I don't what I can just go to the basement and work She's like, okay, you can just go to the basement. I was like, yeah, I'll go to the basement Who the fuck's being that's wild everyone You know what though, you know what I like to work though. You know what I like about my building

Is there's old people in my building The building I got the covet deal on all young people and that makes you feel like shit Because you're like, how do you afford to fall? I can I was on five seasons of a tv show. Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all parents money. Sure. This one's nice because it's like you see an old man and you're like All right, buddy. Look at us Huh? Look at us living in the city. Mr. Wilmingham. Good to see you. Exactly. Start with the wife a little bit Your skin isn't as see-through today

I can't see your heart beating through your wrists I'm bad at charming old people Remember when you thought we shouldn't get involved in world war two How do you feel now? Uh, but uh, all right. Well, we got to do some patreon questions always fun having Danny so in the building Um, but guys, as you know when you sign up for patreon, we will answer your garbage questions on the air Uh, this one's from chester drawers chest of drawers. You ever try to suck up spilled drinks or food off the table like you're a vacuum

All the time dude soda off the kitchen counter as a kid. Yeah a little different Oh my god, dude, or like chocolate milk Or if you really wanted to get crazy if you had a straw you could you could do that and then watch the science of it All yeah, because when your face is too close you're dipping your nose in you know when you're getting like a foley Like that, but when you got the straw you can yeah, you get to see it all in action. That was all right Would you be uh, would it be a serious? Thing if you spilled a dinner or something like that if you knock as a kid I'm a spilled I'm a spilly boy, dude as a kid would you get yelled at would

Because my dad used to react like I my dad and his wife. Yeah, they were yeah, like it was explosive My mom Jesus Christ can't have anything nice What a diner shut up. It's in public. Yeah at home. It was the explosive like oh And then it'd be like okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, and then my mom would be like don't don't it's stop. All right Just stop. You know when you're like Because you somehow make it worse. Yeah, you're picking a plate Yeah, so she I mean spilling wasn't uh Wasn't like a hittable offense, but it was sure it was uh, it was like oh, shit. Oh save this

It would ruin dinner on sunday My dad would be cooking for like an hour or so get everything all set up nice And fucking I would just knock over a glass thing fucking Jesus Christ. Oh, dude. I lose it. Oh my god I would spill at my friend's house, which is the worst. Oh that sucks you want to see the parents sometimes the parents don't give you the It's okay. I see the frustration. You're like when your friends parents are dicks for the first time You're like whoa middle school. I wasn't allowed I wasn't allowed. I was the only friend of my buddies that wasn't allowed To eat outside of the I was I wasn't allowed to eat outside of the kitchen

At your buddy's house. Yeah, everyone else was allowed to like have pizza go sit on because they had like a nice house And I would spill you lost your privileges Dude, and then one time I was sleeping over and he had a hideaway bed You know that went under his trundle bed sure a trundle bed and I was sleeping on the trundle bed And I was holding a dr. Pepper and we were fighting over the remote and he let go And I just dumped dr. Pepper all over me and he was like My mom's gonna be so pissed and I had to wash his sheets Before his parents woke up. Jesus. Jesus on the hideaway bed because they had to know

I don't know. What are you doing? I told I told his mom. I'm doing a load of whites. Anybody got anything? Hey, Donna, Gary, you guys got socks anything you need me to throw in there? I'm doing cold water I don't want to wake you guys up, but this spin cycle is about to be pretty intense. Yeah, this is shit My mom knows when somebody touches her washing machine. Dude. All I knew is I was like I'll figure this out because this is and then I told her later as an adult and she was like you always spilled That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my fucking fault. Uh-huh. I was bad, man. It sucks. You spilled a lot My chop every time I went to the suburban diner. I spilled my chocolate milk and my dad

May he would hit the diner table, which makes such a specific noise. Yeah, like the plates clattering the whatever. Jesus I'm like now looking back. I'm like relax, man. Yeah, but they didn't have Now we're like fucking blooming dales or something. They didn't have edibles They don't have a lot of stuff that would release I get it because of my niece or my nephew does some shit like that at dinner. I fucking but that's just because I lose it But that's just because you're wired that way. Yeah to think it's a problem because People lost it on you. Yeah, you go. Oh when something that's the response in your brain But I think the sentiment or the idea behind it

Obviously, you don't want to lose it But you want the kids to know how to act at a restaurant or out in public And if they're fucking knocking over shit and acting yelling there's other people That's different. I mean a spill on a drink versus yelling or horse. No, they must be punished horse played the table I don't cosign but Absolutely not. Have you both waited tables? Yes. Have you had bust for a lot? Okay? Well, you're in you're in the shit more than a waiter. Sure. I was waiting tables five years ago Yeah, I was busting tables last week, Dan

You're gonna pick up a shift after this podcast. We gotta wrap this up Sotr's long winded. Yeah, I think this guy's got voices and stories They uh I'll catch the swing shift. Did you ever did you ever wait on a table where the kids were making a mess and they didn't care And the parents didn't stop them No, I only did it like a nicer restaurants. He probably was in the shaggy countless times Yeah, towards the end of my tenure at bare burger

I had a real bad situation where I was close to the point where If I said fuck it and walked out I maybe would have been okay because I was hosting a lot at new york Sure at new york comedy club. So maybe I was okay, and I always had that in the back of my head and for the 15 years that I waited tables. That's the dream. Yeah, fuck this. I'm out of here. Fuck and throw something I used to jerk off to that. Oh, and I had this I talk about it all the time I had this study group from nyu that would come in like every wednesday and they were the were you at the bare burger over on LaGuardia. You got that right. I love this one. That was yeah, that's a tough. That's a tough draw. Yeah, you got nyu

You got a great traffic You always got to look around because if I was thinking like bare burger a story. I'm like, how you dealing with some people? You know, you know real people now. This was Yeah, a lot of people were great But some of those nyu kids and faculty because you're right there you're at nyu and they weren't paying for it It was one professor paying it. So these other professors. They were such fucking dickheads like would just I'd be taking an order At the table next to them They would come in and walk right up to me and be like, hey, can I get this?

And it's just like dude, and you're doing that on those Toastpads Yeah, so I could do it right there, but it fucks up the flow. You know And you're like I want to tell a teacher it's great to tell a teacher you go sit down Oh Sit down. I will I will talk to you when I am right towards the end. I really I really fucking start to let go It would nothing is better than a waiter on their way out. Oh, man not giving a fuck when I was in midtown When I was in midtown, I'd like at the end of my dose Kamino's career. I'd be like, oh, you didn't get your guacamole

Well, who gives a fuck I'm a guy go spill their milk. I did Montreal Suck my Yeah, dude, dude had it had a guy Like a like a a wealthy guy with his kids and you could tell his kids grew up in a little bit of cash Because they knew like truffles and they knew they knew all this If you don't know a chocolate truffle, if you know what a real truffle is You got mine. I don't even know the smacks

But this kid ordered something and I specifically went over what it was And he's like, yeah, I want that and like first of all, he's talking to me like I'm a fucking jerk off It wasn't going through the dad. It was going the kid was fucking talking to me like annoyed with you Yeah, like being a dickhead this fat man's looking at me and uh, I'm about to sneeze. Yeah Let it and I go back and I come back and he's like, he doesn't like this He's like, he didn't know that it had this on and I'm like, I told him I did dude I fucking told you that it did and I'm like, okay Well, you know, can I get this and you know the table that's that just is a dick to be a dick

Yeah, oh, yeah, so jump. Oh, let me take it back and I'll get one for you. No, don't worry. No, it's fine I don't want you to know that ruin it more. Yeah, exactly and the guy fucking stiffed me And it was like a fucking $200 bill and they just left all their shit thrown on the fucking table Man, it was way was it was one of the straws I did end up walking out of there, right? It was one day. I just fucking walked out. I don't think you walk I don't know if I wait until the shift. I think you were asked to stop coming in to be not not that one That was the other place Right. It's insane that just tip you you have to make such a fucking conscious effort to not tip. Oh, yeah

Yeah, the Europeans you let them get away with it a little bit, but they know man sometimes sometimes though you would like I remember I was working like cafe season. It was crazy And I was working I was working at dinner shift because I had zero money and I was Just these european these two european women. I want to say eastern european Just I knew they weren't gonna tip me. So I was talking very fast I could tell they couldn't understand english now like by the end I was like, here's your check You two weren't bad, but I know you're not gonna tip me. So god bless. Have a good night or whatever I went back they tip me 40% like they knew what I was saying and I was like you feel like such a dickhead

You're like, oh fuck, but I've had I've had people that The worst people are the people that Tell you they're fucking you over with the tip And then they tell you that normally they they are very good tippers. Sure There's that there's also they're like normally this I don't normally do this. Yeah, this one you this woman came in Um, right as we opened because I was a lunch waiter. I only did lunch shifts, you know sometimes Yeah, if you I could walk with like a I could walk with a hundred hundred and ten You're leaving at four five o'clock five o'clock right out in the spring done summer. I'd go home

Hey, can you stay? No, I go home wash my face in my neck. I take a 10 minute nap and I'd go do sets Like a detective. Yeah, I seriously would like put water on Oh, man And I put my hand against the wall and go like Yeah, then I'd go lay down for 10 minutes. I'd get up put your gun back in the drawer And then I I mean I'd wake up Rip a camel light on the way to Duncan see the Indian gals grab a coffee Jump on the train and come home

But uh, I remember this woman came in right as we opened and she sat at the bar They're like seating's not open yet and the woman's like it's fine. I'll just eat at the bar So she ordered a cob salad and Then the cafe I was I was closing lunch on the cafe. So I had the best section. I had the front of the cafe and There's like a little two-top side side thing or whatever. So I'm like waiting I'm like polishing my silverware setting everything up and then this woman just sits down She's like one of these older women that's like in her 70s with brand new tits

Like brand new fake like they were like high and tight or whatever. I like that and uh, she was just real like upper east side energy And she just sat in my section and I was like, oh, hi. Can I help you and she goes? Yeah, I was in the bar, but I want to sit outside and I was like, oh, did you talk to a hostess and she was like what And she like brought her and uh, I was like, oh, okay. Well The bartender is your server. I fucking hate that So I was like, I don't know what you want me to do and she's like and then the bartender was like I uh, the girl was like, I transferred the ticket to you and I was like, oh, thanks

And so I drop her cob salad off And then it's a lunch rush you get hit Sure, you know what it is. You get like you get double sat next thing, you know your whole section son It is all or nothing all it's very stressful to be a lunch waiter in new york And if they're if the place isn't properly staffed There is no way that you can do the whole spiel that they want you to do They want you to do a lot of steps to service. They're all in a rush. They're all lunch out. I gotta go back Yeah, I got and a lot of 40 minutes

Okay, bring the check right realistic expectations always and they always have the energy of and I understand this They want to eat fast so that they have a little extra time to themselves And we're at the we're at the base of a very big offer that ain't my but you're not dealing You're not fucking you might not have the kitchen on lock It might be the fucking guy behind the in the kitchen that doesn't like you that's not gonna get your shit fast Or they order margaritas bartender's running behind because he's they're slammed The food hits a table before the drinks freak out or the guacamole's taken a while because guacamole was like their big thing And there was like a guac bar with all these like

Teenagers that were just working for hourly just mashing avocados. So My section fills up immediately Immediately and so I I can't really give this lady any attention But I keep going by being like, yeah, all right. Yeah, all right, and she's like eating her cob salad Finally she goes, can I just get my check like that? And I was like, uh, yeah, everything all right And she's like, I would like to talk to a manager and I was like, uh, okay but first I want this salad boxed up and also there's no pinto beans on this and You should know your your menu because normally and I oh I said, uh, well, there's no beans on that salad and she goes

Yes, there are you should learn your product. There's The older lady. That's exactly what I thought and she goes, so I want pinto beans And I was like, oh you want some pinto beans on that to box up and she was like, yeah Some dingleberries. So I was friends with I was friends with the line cooks. You gotta be because you would say you got it You gotta be I was friends with the chef and so I went downstairs and I was like, hey chef It was right. It's like, you know, lunch rush is building and I go can I get a uh, bowl of steamed pinto beans? like a Cartoonishly large bowl and I just took this bowl of pinto beans and dumped it on her salad

Boxed it up and then tied it To go bag and I brought it to her and then she like showed me the check and she did that She goes normally i'm a very good tipper, but you weren't nice to me And I was like, well, you weren't my table and she was like you also weren't nice lady. It's a two-way street. You're a fucking bitch Dude, and she tipped me Six cents Oh, and she went like next time be nicer and you should get a better tip and it just ruined that shift that fucking sucks Dude, how long ago was that?

12 years ago and you're thinking about it right now I was so mad. I didn't go smoke a cigarette mid-shift. I looked at my manager. I go Hey, if you want me to be useful at all, I gotta go rip a butter And I just go stand next to the superrunner shop and have the russian guy come out and go Do not smoke in front of store and I'd go. Fuck you Dude, if I was in the weeds, man, if I was in a mood dude, did he come out? I would just talk shit to him I bet what do you want me to stand fucking taco bell because there's a taco bell right there He's like, I don't look get out of the way

And then I'd come back in and the managers at the pre-shift meeting would be like some of you guys are standing in front of the super's runner shop When you're smoking you can't do Everybody knows that you I was like, it's me Nothing better than a waiter fucking with nothing to lose. Oh my god the end of the road and especially when guys are like There's people that are dickheads thinking they're proving a point. Well, you're like, you're not proving a point You're just being a dickhead to a guy that's that doesn't want to be here I never understood that we always we were taught to like We're we're in their way

Like as kids because I think it's a very blue collar thing of like hey, man Everybody every blue collar person at some point has weighted tables or something or whatever worked in the service industry Everybody should so it's like they know and it's like we were like I felt like we were always taught like you're infringing upon them like they're jammed up I still have those have to yeah. Hey, when you get a chance you get two iron workers They're fucking. Yeah, go ahead. Whatever. Hey, or like what the best would be like when the lord of the same thing Yeah, blue collar guys would come in and be like, what do you like? And you're like in your eyes and like hey, give us two of those

Yeah, and then you bring them like coronas or whatever and they hear another table talking to you like they like look at you They go, what about those fucking? Yeah And you go, I know I know right they fucking suck. They're the best. You know who was the fucking man was Um Mort from esp and chris mortensen He was good. He came in and I was like empty section and he was just by himself and he's like, what's good I was like steak tacos fucking rule and he was like I'll get those and it was the 49ers were like really bad They're like two and 14 and I was like, how then what's going on with the Niners?

And he's like, man, I don't know He's like you can sit down and I just sat there was an empty section So I just sat down at the table You start looking for a waiter I don't know But I uh See a couple of shooters for me and morty that clock bar open the famous people were always The coolest always sarah jessica park or cool as shit bradley cooper. Yeah, just me and him in the restaurant

Really cool as shit. I had um I had martina mcbride Awesome nice toriamos awesome nice bam margera So great really got out the bam and I know he's got a lot of troubles I hope he's all right because he was really fucking cool damon wanes Okay, you tell me did comedy Yeah You start to you start reading the specials and as macho man. Yeah

We have the culture need to be You know who I was like, hey, you know, who doesn't get any respect Mike guacamole The chicken the chicken al pastor, you know, I'm telling you, you know who I waited on as a young uh, not young But as a as an open miker 42 As an open miker in new york city a little spot in the west village came in with an executive from comedy central Mr. Dan Soder really? Yeah, really and you stiffed them on a tip you and you and saint your main You were with brook posh

Win this was fucking 2013 Saint your main and I yeah, and you weren't together she had come in and had meetings with with both the assembly slut She was fucking cool as shit. Yeah, bro. Cause it was real man. I never told her I was a comic either Uh, snack tavern in the west village. Oh, yeah bedford and morton. Yeah fucking unbelievable food. Yeah Unbelievable that was uh, when we did our half hours. That's why we were there Because saint your man and I did our comedy central presents. Yeah, you had a chicken sandwich and a bottle of boylands. Whoo. That's me, baby A bottle of boylands ginger ale that shit fucking rules Yeah, dude nothing like a lifetime pod head trying to piece of memory back together and then getting dropped by some boylands

I love it, dude. The second you say it I go, I know I know I remember that It was a balmy spring day. Yeah, that was always that was always weird. The worst one waiting tables was um I just remember being like, oh man, look at these guys. They're fucking doing it. Oh, really? Yeah, what do you mean? That's awesome I got a call. I remember fielding the call Fucking soda was in here That was uh, I spilled on him He didn't finish it, but I did um

I remember being like So pumped when famous people would come in And I keep you like oh, we're gonna be friends or whatever like I went on vince neal and he stunk sure he got hammered He has to stink no afternoon. He's got a hammer. Yeah. He's like, do you got my tequila? I was like, I don't know I don't know but I was I was so excited. I was like, dude fucking motley crew is in the house Yeah, they suck. It's a heartbreaker and then you're like, uh, but I do remember the worst one was A girl I went to college with that was in like the popular girl sorority that fucked my roommate Okay, she was like a mean girl

And she was on like a one of eight. It was an eight top on the cafe All blacks and you're waiting you're waiting tables. I'm in my all blacks Sweat long sleeve black shirt long sleeve slacks things going good I swear to god because you were like, yeah eight top all black I was like, I was like, what the fuck? Why did you go racist? No, I was in my I was wearing all black Eight top all blacks. I go well, who approved this?

I thought you were talking about the new week the new zealand fucking rugby team. They're doing their fucking haka No, there was I was in I was in I was in long sleeve black shirt long sleeve Black slacks couple stains on that. Yeah long black apron. Nothing was worse than you a waiter It was like the first you could see you were the first table and they're already in dirty clothes. Oh, yeah I always had dirty clothes Come on. I know you I know you worked at double yesterday. I'll go to the coffee station And then you run the rag under the hot, you know, like the Yeah, you steam it and then you do a little dry cleaning. Yeah dry cleaning right there. Be all right right there, dude

Get you through and I remember there being like soda wash your fucking apron Oh my bad. Cause you just have salsa and shit all over it Especially guacamole is mexican restaurant. Fuck. Yeah, dude But dude, I just remember going up to this eight top and I'm in I'm sweating It's like summer sure and they're there and just this girl goes Wait a minute Did you go to the university of arizona and I'm like Yeah, and she's like were you roommates with a mirror? And I was like

Hey lauren Let's go to the chase and she goes So what are you up to and I went this Like that and I said it in such a defeated way that this one of the dudes at the at the eight top was like Just the way I said it I go she goes, so what are you up to and I go this like that and the guy went Oh Yeah, dude, even if you had stuff going on you can't really explain it to them I remember I got a comedy something coming up and until you have a thing that everybody knows of like, hey

I've done this. It doesn't even matter if it hasn't if it hasn't even done anything couple beginnings, baby Oh, dude, then I'm just brutal like this. I go Are you done with that mocha hete? Just clearing stuff or she goes. Oh my god. Remember when you were like I'd buy weed off your roommate and you go Are you done with that? Thanks. Let me get this out of your way for you The worst one was when I did live at Gotham in 2009 and it was like on comedy central and I was like very Proud of that like it was huge. I did it was on channel 837 lie

She'll have to access Which is so funny because everyone that did live at Gotham on Comedy Central when they did that show We're like, what the fuck dude? Yeah, man. They opened the they let anybody on that show like that was a They let me on that show It was so hard to get comedy central's like because that was there basically premium blend Sure, that was their short set. But dude, I did my fucking live at Gotham came out. It was in December So we were doing Christmas parties. Uh-huh get a lot of Christmas parties And it was like a fucking 16 top

I was clearing their dishes And I had this joke about fuck walmart. It's like one of the jokes I did And this lady goes Fuck whole foods too. And I went excuse me She said it out of context She's because fuck whole foods too. And I was like, what's that miss? And then she's like, I watched you on comedy central on friday. And I went, well now you're watching me clear your cup And I just had I remember putting it in the dish pit and then just like leaning against the hutch and going like

Are you ever like make a sigh that also is kind of a cry noise you go like Hey, Soda just slammed his head into the guacamole. Oh my god Soda put his head in the dishwasher again I will not run it the african guys like upset at me Oh my god, I hated it. I hated it brutal But then you get to leave When you're away if you're a waiter right now and you're watching this the day will come where you get to leave No matter if it's for the thing you want to do or not you will get to end there and just wow That's very profound that that day will come. Yes the end comes and it always feels good

Feels great. Even if you're not leaving for success feels great. Even if you're just leaving Yeah, well the day I left those communos, you know, we had the locker room downstairs So I had like all this stuff in my locker like shoes that I hadn't worn in a while Or whatever and I put them in at the go bag And I had the bag my buddy Carlos was bartending close And I walked up the steps where he was and I showed him the bag and I just went you do two days You do it's just like the wire. He was like You have fun you like leaving

Bye guys. You're fucking lash chopper out of nom. Go to see about a girl quitting waiting tables December I think it was December 14th, 2011 About my last day. Oh god. That was so good. That's good. Mine was May 17th Yeah, something like that and you you don't forget it. No Because you're like, dude, I don't ever want to go because the restaurant had really gone downhill at that point too And it was a fucking nightmare. Yeah, and I fucking hated it Oh, not you get a new get a new general manager or something. That'll jam you up jams you the fuck up Where they go, we don't do that here. You go. I had a nice little polish

Dude, oh, yeah, nice little life here I used to get jammed up with the auditions and stuff like that And it would take two months to fucking get on the good side of the gm to be like, I gotta run out I'll come right back. Hey, I got an audition tomorrow. Can I have so-and-so and fucking dude that shit would it would it would change You thought everything was gonna be lost. Yeah, like fuck if I can't do this I'm gonna have to then you got a nothing worse than quitting Sending out the resumes doing that bullshit interview with uh, so what are your steps to serve? Oh, here experience. What's your first approach like and having to fake it for the first couple of months

Because it always just settles into normal. Dude. I you're doing coke with the bartender. You're fucking Once you're in this guy, you know that guy once you're you're just sipping a little You know a little cone of coke. Yeah carrying Yeah, that's not my devil start drinking start drinking out of that. I didn't clock in yet. Yeah, dude We get caught we'd have frozen margaritas and you had purposefully I'd purposely order wrong I go, oh, you didn't want the frozen pomegranate. I'm so sorry and then I'd be like Hey, christie. They ordered a lime. I put in frozen. I put it in the one I like Okay, they just go to the hutch and they're

Suck it down He doesn't have a little bit of a headache, but then you're like Who I feel chatting a restaurant sitting there going through the menu with someone you go. You know, it's really good How do you say we get out of here? Dude a 2 p.m. Buzz and a lunch rush, bro. Yeah, dude I'll fold your napkins I'm not feeling shit. I'll give a fuck working at a restaurant with a loose void policy That's all right

I remember some of our guys were getting nuts and they were like They were taking bills, right if the if the tip wasn't good Especially during the euro boom of 08 If they got like tipped like 10 or 15 they would go and void stuff off the check To make that to make whoa, so they would That's credit card fraud No, no, no, I don't know how they would do it But they would somehow do it where they would remove a couple things and like the 10 bucks would go to them or whatever

The 12 bucks would just be in the tip. They were just like respect They would like found and I was always such a pussy that I was like, look at it math. I don't know how that would work You know the europeans when they would leave you the the coins that I got you knew they were on their way to the airport You get like fucking two dollars fucking the sack of julia coins 50th and third corner 50th and third where Those communities was I got a check presenter filled with change I chased the guy to the corner out of the restaurant. Good for you. Hey, you forgot this and I dumped it into his hand Good for you. I know for you and I went no Anyway, I same I go to the airport airport airport or whatever and I was like, well, you could take that

Yeah, because I suck at that Give that to the people at Hudson news. Yeah We've got an intertray for tsa you fuck Uh, all right. We got to run through some cues here. This one. Yeah, this one is uh, all right. This one's from Anita Wang How long I've never thought about this How long does a carpool or road trip have to be to ask somebody for gas money over An hour that's not bad. I would say an hour is like if you're in a car for an hour, that's a drive That's enough

And if it's also age, you can't ask at a certain age anymore. You can't be in your That's a 20s. That's got to stop in your 20s And let's let's say you and jay. We're driving somewhere. I don't know somebody's uh, if it's road tripping Somebody's getting married in fucking, uh Vermont Now that's a gas station. That's gas money. I don't want the gas money I want to be offered the gas or that might be switch. Hey, you get it now. I'll get it on the way back Yeah, I'll pay for gas on the way up. You pay gas on the way back that I respect that

That's like a very 40s. Let's let's have a rational conversation. Yeah, let's all just kind of make the effort here I respect that minimum Is it under an hour for you guys you can't you're gonna ask somebody If you're asking somebody I think it would be for I will comics I've kind of most of our is for work. You know what I mean? So it that hierarchy depends a little bit on the show Like if you're headlining I'm featuring and he's hosting That's on you and you're like, hey, we're going out to souljolls or whatever. If it's my car

I'm driving you'll get the tolls who get the gas. Yes. Maybe a nice meal Maybe stop by a while weasel or something. Yeah, we'll pick up stuff We'll make a day of it. Let's go get sweatshirt somewhere I mean that was always the pecking order from what I understood I still do that when I'm on the road on Thursday nights because there's usually one show at the club and then Friday and Saturday There's two Usually Thursday nights in the city are the nights that I can go to a restaurant because the show's over by 9 30 10 o'clock you can go you can go land somewhere. Yeah, you can go eat somewhere and I'll take out the feature in the mc

Really and you pick that up on the cuff. Yeah, yeah fucking Dan Soder. How about that? I think that's standard though You got to yeah, you know what I mean? It's standard, but not everybody does it. It's crazy. I hear stories You hear stories on the road about people you know and you're like, damn, they don't even fucking tip But then there's been times where I've forgotten to tip o cream room server and I'm like I get woken up at night being like are they telling college we're religious about it I know but it does it does it used to be like we would get we would get the person before the show even then We'd like because you don't want to

You don't want to fuck it up because at the end of the show you want to leave Yeah, and then sometimes you're like I'll I'll forget about it and he'd like to do tip. I'm like, no, I didn't I'm like, okay, fuck Got to grease the picture guy grease the bartender if you grab a drink You know, everybody gets greased everybody. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, man. You can't fucking If if it's non-comedy and you're like driving out to the beach or something like that Under an hour. Yeah, you guys got some gas money. I don't think I've ever asked for gas money in my life Because also an hour drive you should have enough gas in the car that's a what a half a tank and get it

If you got good boys, they're gonna say something they're crazy. I'll get lunch. I'll get this Yeah, if you're driving out the gas goes with driving. Yes, you drove out. I'll buy the first round. I'll grab lunch Yeah, you can't get it falls into the the drive if you're head of transpo You get some food stuff. Yeah But there uh, I remember this dude I gave this guy that I was buddies with a ride from Tucson to Denver And we went and we went through Las Vegas three days Yeah, we went through Las Vegas to pick up my friend and his cousin who lived in Vegas

And my buddy had a full-grown pit bull And he I've told this story on the bonfire before but it's it's 100 true. He called me and he was like Hey, can I get back to Aurora with you? I have no way to get home for the holidays It's just for Christmas and it's like one of those Christmas movies where you're like, I can't make you stay Sure Then he called me I remember exactly where I was. I was at work. I was at KFMA and he called me and he's like Hey, I got my dog and I was like, well, that's a problem. I'm picking up two guys in Vegas

And he's like he had a lot of guns This guy had a lot of guns and stuff and he goes, I don't know what to do with this dog The dog hotels aren't picking it up. He goes Fuck it, man. I might just take this dog out to the desert and shoot it And I was like, no, what? He like made that offer in a way where I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no Yeah, okay fine. Now you have blood on your hands, mr. Soder. Yeah, I go you can have a ride but like You got to hold that dog the whole time. He's not sitting in a car for fucking three days with a dog killer

And he fucking held the dog, but he he he kept talking about how he didn't have any money So I could that guy for sure doesn't have money So he like couldn't help out with gas or whatever, but then I just remember we got we were in st. George, utah And we I got gas and I filled up the my car with gas and there was a mcdonald's there and this guy bought like a Big mac meal super sized french fries and was just eating it, you know what I mean? And my friend who I picked up in vegas goes Did you get any for us?

And then I went ha ha ha like that and he goes ha ha you don't pay for gas, but you can get all that mcdonald's I'll respect that I was like, damn Because everyone's over and I felt like such a pussy that I'd say something I didn't say anything. I know Did you see me hit my tooth on the fucking mic? Slow that down back to that fancy Dennis Yeah, I'm gonna be fucking like Missing a tooth. I've done that on stage before like as an oh, hey, I remember one time

I like pulled the mic out really really cool and it hit my lip and my lip just started bleeding Where are you from? What are you doing conversational stuff? So you guys uh, you guys seeing this new rocky movie as I was bobbing. Oh my god brutal Oh my god, dude. Fuck it Hurting yourself in a way and trying to act okay on stage Is the absolute cause you're just not present at all. You're like, do they notice it? Maybe they are maybe they're not There used to be this show at the creek in the cave called uh Midnight run. Yeah, they just get you high as fuck

And they were like Macho man died. So they were like, we want you to do this whole thing as macho. You're superbowl We didn't we didn't we didn't macho man. Do they had a that a volcano one of the big ones or whatever I took like three volcanoes and I was doing macho man and I was like Yeah, and I felt me passing out And I was like, how do I get out of this without passing out? I remember being like Oh

Bomb and then I remember getting off stage being like, oh my fucking god. I almost just passed out It's brutal. Uh, all right. Let's see here. Uh, this one's from math to w $10 homie ever bought a porn star something off their amazon wishlist But I'll tell you right now if if that would have been a thing Fucking 15 years ago and I would have had money. I would have done it I can't I don't know. I I don't under I I can't make the connection of like got you that case of water you want You know that you know that fucking bath light. Yeah, just like real generic daily It's like diapers and light bulbs. I got you a thing of fucking q-tips

Yeah, and I don't know what you expect from that I guess it it's like that's you know, is it that like the financial thing of like you're giving them something It's the hustle on their part I guess it makes you feel that much closer to them. Do you think they're gonna fuck you? I think they do. I don't know. I don't know. It's not my cup of tea. She's like remember when you bought me that humidifier Bubbly new air filters now I'm gonna suck your asshole Oh, thanks. Thanks for the pretty filter. Thanks. Yeah. Thanks. Trina star Uh, all right, this one's from rob. We could do a few more this one's from robert

Is it garbage if your dad built a homemade batting cage in the backyard made out of pvc pipe and orange construction that I know That's fucking sick. It's a dad that loves you and loves baseball. Yeah That's all dude. You would you probably had to be the fucking best house in the fucking neighborhood with that Oh my god, just going over and fucking cracking balls back dude. I'm gonna go to have batting practice So I think there was a fucking the fucking machine or I think it was it was coach pitch All right, because that's got to be coach pitch if he's doing it with Yeah, yeah, that's not having in fucking pvc My boys my boys dad built a uh fucking wiffle ball court like a wiffle ball field in their backyard

Really? Oh was sick. There was always it became like a thing. Yeah, like there was like playoffs and shit like that So that it was wild Damn, how much land did he have not that much? It was like a normal backyard And just built a fucking just fucking built it out That's fucking sweet and then that competition fever starts. Oh, we're going over. We're going over to dames. Oh my god It would be like an all day thing Dude, I remember in college I when like I got it soup, you know my sophomore year got really into beer pong Like really into beer like loved it. Mm-hmm because I'm an alcoholic and I love I yeah, I get it

It was just the best and me and my roommate were like he didn't like to drink So I would drink all of his beers and we'd play and we were really good You know because I just get hammered about it was fun. Yeah, and We're like, dude, we're gonna have a we're gonna get a keg. We're gonna have a huge tournament Uh dry raceboard the whole thing the bracket We bought a big thing like they're playing in the loser's bracket to find out who's third. Yeah all that And it was a $20 buy-in each team sure and it was 16 teams and we're like, dude

We're gonna the winner gets all the money all this uh We lost in the first round Are you guys gonna wrap this up? Dude, I was so over it. You guys can't use the whiteboard. Yeah, they're like the finals are going down I was like, well, there's better not drink all the beer Is that bottled? Oh my god. I was so pumped the competition was we were like, dude, we're gonna fucking kill us and then nope Let's fuck it. All right. Uh, all right. Let's do this one. Then we got a skedaddle

Yeah, this is from Mike ever go into the basement and play the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat so you could work on your moves That's pretty good. I never did that but what I did do I got robbed in 2004 when I was in Tucson And instead of working on my moves now every time I listen to prodigy smack my bitch up. Okay. I fantasize The situation going different me taking the gun. Yeah, and fucking turn it on him. Yeah, where'd you get robbed? They came in the house. Yeah, they got us. Jesus. Yeah. Well, my roommate was a drug dealer So it was

We invited the vampire into the house Anything just just weed was your son weed. He's so weed. He's done a lot of weed. He was selling like Pounds. Yeah. Oh boy chronic Chronic is what we called it in 2004 kind bud in my day. It was kind. It was it was kb. It was kind bud It had hairs on it. Yeah And uh, my roommate was moving weight and this guy owed the philly mob A lot of money for gambling and set up wait This guy in arizona. Oh like this was he owed like the philly the

Story was that this guy owed the philly mob. Your roommate did no the guy who robbed him Yeah, this guy that set it all up. This guy owed the philly mob like a hundred thousand dollars in gambling debt And he was like a rich kid from california And philly mob was like, well, we're gonna kill you and he was like, no, you won't Like you can't kill me. My dad's rich or whatever. He's like, we'll kill your parents and then he was like, we don't give a fuck He was like what and they're like, yeah, so you got to get us the money and so he set up All the drug dealers he knew and what he knew my roommate because my roommate had bought weed off him before and then He wanted to buy a couple pounds. It was a setup

I did the whole story on ari's show, which was on comedy central so you can watch it on youtube That's a real story. It's a hundred percent happened. But Yeah, I I think of smack my bitch up and me fucking up the two guys that robbed us breaking their fucking arm And then big like no show mercy and I go mercy don't live here So it was supposed to be a lot of chopping dudes in the neck Or breaking their wrist It was supposed to be a deal where you your buddy was gonna sell him a bunch of weed So he had a bunch of weed on him. Yeah, so instead these guys came in and just stole the weed

Yeah, and they went for them like they and I was in the apartment. I was the roommate My roommate got away. I was there and they fucking they were like the roommate moves waste him They don't know how close you were wait your buddy bolted. Yeah Lefty in there. Well, we were coming down the stairs if you watch the story on comedy central You hear the whole thing, but I had a gun on me and then like he was like just walked me to the car and I wasn't like Hard or anything like I was like I was very soft. I was uh, I am but I was I was like, I don't want to I'm not gonna pull a gun on anyone in my roommate

It's from a long island and he was like, yeah, if they got a knife and you show him a gun What do you think they're gonna fucking do? It's pretty cool his laundry. That is great. Yeah, that's great And so I was like, okay, and I just wanted to smoke a cigarette and had a barbecue lighter and a candlelight and uh On to the teeth guy came around the corner and I just went like this I was like, oh boy And my shirt lifted up and he saw the gun and he took my gun off me And then made me go back in the house and he hit me with it and then he put my arms

Zip tied my arms behind my back. What? Yeah, and then duct taped my feet together Holy and then just kept putting the gun on my forehead being like Fucking money. Here's some cholo some cholo from south tussan Fucking got me dude. That's the real deal. He's like, you're gonna fucking die white boy He kept saying that you're gonna fucking die. Where's the fucking money and I was like, I don't know It's crazy Yeah, go watch go watch the story on youtube. Yeah, cuz I like Everything about that story. It took me a long time to work it out as a bit because he would like bum people out

I am a little bummed out, but it uh, it's a hundred percent true I don't like that. That guy was a pro. He was a pro. He had an army duffel bag Folded and tucked into his back of his jeans So when he put the money in the bag, he like had me and then he like When he had me on the ground, he like pulled the zip tie zip tied my arms like fast That and then once he saw that I was like in like I couldn't do anything He pulled the army duffel bag out and started clearing our dvds and playstation two games and shit Wait, so your boy was gone. So you were the one he was grilling. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know where the cash was? Yeah

Did you give it up? No Fucking dance On the ground going not my frasier box Those are my guys That's my hulk hogan. He took he took chappelle season one and season two Big deal at the time. He got uh, my simpson's box set. I was mad about that He got the thing that sucks is they stole my car and my car had all my laundry in it Jesus christ, these guys cleaned his the fuck out. Yeah, for real

Did he find the money and my backpack with all my books for that semester? And that was my that's about 400 of a bitch about seven 700 did they end up finding the kid stash? No, they didn't they didn't what's funny is like He he like flipped the mattresses and looked everywhere and there was a fucking pound like our hallway went all the way down into my roommate's room and like I looked and I was like there's a pound right there He like moved a fucking towel and there was a pound But the money was in the crawl space and I just wasn't gonna tell him I was just like, I don't know I don't know but there was about 30k up in the crawl space

Fucking rock solid and I was like, I don't know man. I don't know. I think my roommate wasn't even like Cool about that. He was a dick. He was like, yeah, I was like, you let him take the ship ldv He's like, honestly, I wanted to watch the rick james guy But yeah, he like damn he fled after we got robbed and then tried to charge me for the furniture And I was like suck my dick, dude. Yeah, I got a fucking gun. That was your 30,000 It wasn't a dollar of my money Fucking hot tide. Yeah, dude. Oh, talk about a guy. You want the fucking foxhole with you? Yeah, dude. I won't turn on you I won't turn on you man

You know, that's why when people are like, how could you abandon jay? I was like, I'll stay with I stayed with jay Don't you say that I left the right way But yeah, man, that was like, um, I always replay that moment But like I would have fucked that dude up and broke his neck and his friend would be like, don't you killed my friend? And I'd like to get Smack my bitch up Dos caminos Has no idea the dirt that I have done

Yeah, dude, when I got robbed and then they found my car. I was so mad. They found my car because you want the insurance Yeah And nothing was in my car. No books I'm guys walking around your fresh clean teas too Dude, I had a I had a Ralph wiggum t-shirt and I kept being on that look how the world's biggest nine-year-old You get your vengeance Hey, man, won't you get that shirt? My face is on fire

It's like, I'll fucking kill you dude I'll kill you. That's my Ralph wiggum t-shirt. Oh, holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dan Soder I love you guys buddy. We love you too, man. Fucking unbelievable. Anything you want the folks out there to know DanSoder.com uh live dates You know, I think we just when is this coming out a couple weeks next week probably uh Boulder theater has been announced the pre-sales happening at those techie boulder theater if you're in seattle I will be at the neptune theater. Um We haven't announced any of the other theaters, but then clubs all over the place dance order.com

I'm on tour a lot. I'm I'm heavy on the road one of the funniest guys doing it master at the craft Get those tickets go see him as you know, buddy. We love you kippy. What do you got for him guys? We're also all over the road get tickets to those shows we're announcing the second leg pretty soon Got the suits working on it right now Get those tickets before they sell out. We love you gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace