Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Dan Soder Returns! The Colorado Kid

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with Dan Soder! Dan returns answer listener questions. The boys get into dining at Hooters, Crown Royal bags, and a whole lot of trash!  Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage T-Shirts: https://www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? You're Trash.

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage the show we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out they grew up classy or if absolute trash I'm your host a trolley coming at you on a gorgeous day here down the basement and toadies she's upstairs glued to the television shit is going down shit's going down you might start hearing some stomping we're

cleaning out a revolver I'm waiting for her to come down and ask for bus money to DC hold on I gotta go take care of some things I know you got that new podcast money give me money yeah I gotta go stay at your cousin's house who has a Baltimore accent the same as this same yeah it's just a little dirtier it's a little prettier yeah my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he cooks the books he keeps us in line gang the next time you reach it for a best pal you know the drill make it a kippy and give it up for my buddy Kevin James Ryan hey gang happy to be here as always please make sure you rate review

subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube subscribe there as well and then patreon.com help us pay the fucking bills keep the lights on in this place patreon.com slash are you garbage you can sign up you get bonus episodes bonus videos and then at the end of every month we'll play are you garbage we'll do a live show where we play with you guys you ask us questions we ask you questions it's gonna be a fucking hoot get involved people let's do it baby get out there in the streets nice little shout out to our producer extraordinary he's a pride of the Chicago comic we call him the magic man you all know him as

T-Bone give it up for Toby McMullen hey all right bears in the wild card baby one player out you guys are gonna be excited for a day and then it's gonna collapse oh yeah well if you're looking to watch the game we'll be over at the globe pub on Irving Park Road they got they got 50 cent wings outside for the embarrassment that is the playoffs and the bears are in it gang that voice you hear is our incredibly funny incredibly talented special guest that we have today this is a family episode we're bringing him back if you haven't seen his episode please go back and watch it you know him you love him you know him

from the bonfire you know him from billions he has his own HBO special out called son of Gary right now you should be checking out do me a favor give it up for the one the only dance odor everybody guys so much better to be in person you are one of the first real guess we're like fuck when we we could have had soda in stew because we the first was over I got jealous I got jealous I just sit in my room and watch my volume because the people above us say that I have a booming voice guys got a lot of base on them my dude my girlfriend and I have been us I want to say a costed by two neighbors

throughout this that were too loud and my girlfriend's response to this which is the most cold-blooded G shit I've ever heard and it makes me love her even more as she goes you're welcome we should have started a patreon for you guys are hearing a crossover of Comedy Central and ESPN and you're knocking on the walls yeah you're getting straight from the source you're also hearing a lot of shit talking about people that we cannot talk shit about once I stop once the record's off they fucking let it fly real real that's I feel like that she lives like a nice building and stuff like that right now she bought an

apartment back when like five or six years ago and you know she's like me she likes like likes to have something and stay the same sure and just keep improving outside and keep your insides kind of the same so she has a good apartment it's been great to stay with her it's also because I live with Mike Vecchione it's been great because his girlfriend Katie Hannigan moved in yeah well she's got her it's like nine properties between the four if we were a sleeper so they have all these stash houses they're like grass yeah they just fucking Katie can move back to her place and then Dan can move

back to Queens and then Katie can move back and then Mike is shifting you came in like a sleeper so he's got two duffel bags he by the way he's rolling with a duffel bag for 1992 I just want to say shout out real quick to the doctor's company where my mom was a claims adjuster for several years that things real show that bitch Helen pushed her out and then because of ageism my mom couldn't get another job and then she became a nanny for people that were my age what is insulting to your mother is when she has to take care of kids that aren't yours but the parents of the same age yeah it's a tough look meanwhile she's leaving

you're at home like making frozen pizzas and she's watching kids you're right she comes back and she's like how was your day home I'm like I smoked weed went to Joel's parents are on vacation whatever whatever your yeah dude when I was like that was the hardest was when I was dead broke and my mom was a nanny for another family you're crazy made me feel like shit cuz my mom's a super smart lady and she had this job insurance for years but then she turned 60 61 they're like why are we gonna pay you yeah 80k well we can pay this kid out of college 32 or something and there's exactly what happened no lawsuit she didn't make a

move fuck yeah my mom litigates like there we go talking about a woman that made me stand in court when I was six years old and tell a judge I wanted to live with her that's a lady that gets shit done tell the nice judge what we talked about Daniel she brought me in she brought me into my itchy church pants maybe look at judge right in the eye and go I want to live with her not the guy that didn't show don't want to live with this finicky bitch or the no show witness intimidation on her own son she's in the back there's like three Colombians like this dude she's she's like you remember that remember that a lion oh toy I bought

you a real shame if it was on the garage floor when I backed out tomorrow got one of your cousins sitting in the fucking back father too she's you want to sleep over at Luke's ever again play ball Danny play this the right way my dad's family's like we didn't even know that kid was alive we didn't know he's like Dan who what's going on wait he has a kid that lives in LA there's another one in Colorado your dad had that you have a stepbrother somewhere no no I had a half sister my dad married his high school sweetheart and then they had a baby and then this is after your mom knows way before oh really weird if he

married his high school sweetheart when he was like 40 yeah he's like I'm coming back let's run this back could have been a hot night at the reunion I don't know dude my dad it's dance moves drink like a son bitch I know that for sure but he yeah he had a he had my sister Michelle with his high school sweetheart and then they divorced when Michelle was like four and then I was born when Michelle was 12 she's 12 years older than me and then she died when I was 16 Jesus yeah dude you got you worried about not having any garbage to come in with me I had like a four-year hit the way I had a five-year run of garbage the way Eddie Murphy had

a five-year run like my dad died was like coming to America and then like trading places was my sister dying whole time I was being verbally abused by a rancid alcoholic boyfriend so that was SNL the whole time I was I mean it's weird that my garbage career lines up with Eddie Murphy instead of Prince Rikki Prince Hakeem I was called hey retard so so there hasn't anything good since the 90s yeah yeah then I got caught with that tranny he thinks this got weird I did a lot of kids films I'm just giving her a ride I don't know what's going on you know man I loved him in Dolomite I

watched Dolomite great ever fantastic loved it thought it started slow but loved where it ended and I'm very excited because the director of Dolomite did coming to America too which is coming out in a couple months right and shout out to fucking Jermaine Fowler yeah playing the Prince of Zamunda that's how fucking cool is that we don't know him but we always talk about him about what a cool duty is Jermaine Fowler is one of my favorite human beings in comedy I met him when he moved to New York I think he was like 18 or 19 I called him I called him Rampage Jackson head basketball and he immediately got

mean and then I learned that you do not fuck with Jermaine Fowler he will troll you better than anyone Jermaine Fowler is the one of the funniest trolls of all time you guys were down in Philly but when we were all kind of like early you know like 2010 2011 Kevin Barnett the late great Kevin Barnett had his mom's names Claudette Barnett and Jermaine made a Facebook profile called Claudette Barnett and they were just like comment on shit super Jamaican because Kevin's families from Jamaica and like Kevin was like hey man you can't be doing that shit Jermaine's best friend and he's like man you can't be doing that shit

Jermaine makes me laugh on he's created a Facebook profile called instead of Michael Che it was Michael gay that was him yeah dude my buddies you know my buddies are not even in comedy sent me that's like dude who made Michael gay I'm like I've never even seen that but that's a home run and he would do it would just be he would make a braggadocious comment and then say something really gay at the end he'd be like yo man I'm the best comedian ever I want to suck all the weed but then like Jermaine goes and has like you know he's a lot of commercial success yeah he's still on me him and Che are on a

wrestling text thread yeah oh man Jim Cornette's crazy and you're like I fucking loved your mate Jermaine's a phenomenal dude but yeah best troll out there that's right here and you talk about the wrestling before we came on it's do you are into it yeah I'm a wrestling nerd was that your was that like the thing that you would like turn to when you were a kid to like block everything out 100% man like it's when you're sleeping on a pull-out bed pull out couch bed with your naked alcoholic father kind of get amped for an afternoon viewing of you never seen a real one Dan no dude my dad was like it wasn't I said this to

Jay and Jay was so blown away he's like your dad slept naked yeah what's up with that we didn't fuck dude I like I would be on one side of the bed asleep I was like seven and he would just we had to split a bed because we're at my grandma's my grandma had two rooms one was the den that had a pullout I love how you're trying to you're trying to defend this it just gets tragic I'm a diehard 49er fan even though I've never lived in San Francisco grew up in you know I was born in Connecticut grew up in Aurora but I love the Niners and so when I tell people like oh I spent a lot of time in Marin because that's where my grandma

lived for like 30 years and that's where I used to go that's where my dad worked at a liquor store it's like I would that was where my dad and I spent the most time in my life was in Marin in San Francisco we go to 49ers games so I tell people they're like oh Marin and they're like oh you must have grown up and you're like no dude two-bedroom apartment near the hospital and I had to sleep on a pullout couch with my dad you weren't sampling Dan's liquors in Mill Valley let's stop acting like it was the high society I didn't grow up in a house on one of the hills so it's bad when it's two bedrooms in three

generations of family living there it's never good so this is I love goddamn I wish I would have done my first episode in studio so I found out you know are you garbage and you keep wondering how much garbage are you I just found out this Thanksgiving oh so when my dad on my dad when my grandmother retired she moved north California northern California right and I always explained to people that this was my moment that I identified with Leonardo Caprio in the departed so my time I've ever identified with Leonardo Caprio it was in the departed where Mark Wahlberg calls him out the suburbs with his mom that was

my life was the two accents dropping your Rs on the weekend yes dropping your Rs on the weekends because my mom had us in the suburbs of Aurora which was by definition middle-class wait Aurora's in California no it's in Colorado so you were going back and forth from Colorado to get you one of those big maps to put pins in where people are from travel pins I mean that's so trashy you're crossing state line I used to fly by myself that dude flying by yourself in the 90s with the red and white with the red and white united you have to wait till everyone was off the plane did they ever give you the pilot's wings oh hell

yeah dude I had so many pilots wings landed a couple of times let you sit on the lap actually I actually necked with one of the co-pilots united had a pretty heavy pedophile ring I gave a lot of neck smooches to men captain but they would but it was it was like one of my favorite things in the world is because I would go visit my dad you wait till everyone was off the plane and this was before 9 11 so my dad could come to the gate yeah so the coolest shit was like it was very wrestling I would run down the aisle like the ultimate lawyer because I'd be like dude my dad was the classic alcoholic father never

there for me but the most fun when he was okay like never there like missing birthdays Christmas weren't missing all the time but when he would connect you be like dude this guy fucking rules and my mom he knows how to spend money at Chuck E cheese my dad dude I mean one Christmas in particular I had to leave my mom alone because I went and spent it with my dad he got me like ninja the Ninja Turtle van Shredder's Cadillac a hotlix guitar he sent me back with enough toys that my mom was like not even playing or she's like fuck that guy yeah got you that many yeah fuck like a call went out to him like what are you doing

doing what do you don't you don't pay child support I mean why you're getting fucking electric guitars but you're giving him a hotlix you know I got holes in his shoes come on we gotta go to pay less and castle grayscale wasn't cheap back then never got one of those but that turtles van fucking lasted yeah it's pretty sweet at the top of the ski ball machine pass through the balls so you can drop that's exactly what he's doing I'm like dude we used to do shit like he would go to Toys R Us and he'd be like go buy all the starting lineups you want and I'd be like dude can you call me on my birthday yeah how about a hug we start

there I understand stopping by toy world on the way home and Marin was very fun and I would get James Bond junior action figures and shit awesome loved it you know a nice in-person hang in Colorado ice cream sunday something you know show up to a pop Warner then how about a hot meal yeah how about a meal where Nana's not microwaving but it doesn't come with chips in a pickle you know what I mean we not even eat on TV trays and watch Jeopardy can we get a TV Tracer bad news why would he sleep naked though that was just his thing dude never wore underwear never fucking my mom said that my mom's like a dad

never wore underwear and I was like all right and I remember into my seven-year-old brain I'm like I think my dad had soft I never once in my penis father's penis hard yeah I think soft my dad had a big J would say a good hang yeah really to get a solid hang on him Swedish like you know I got that Viking horn cut or uncut cut we're not savages yeah I'm cut that brings it up like my wife's European so they're all on cut yeah I'm cut and she's like what would you do I'm like why can't have my kid walking around now uncut in my fucking house you know you know like people are worried like we have friends that we wanted to

be black when they were growing up and there's like pictures that come out of them now and they're like yeah I was just in the stage I wanted to be Jewish so bad all my heroes were pulling his dick out of a bar mitzvah am I on the team talk about chosen but like all my heroes were like Mel Brooks and fucking all these comics that I was like oh man you know I liked Yiddish Yiddish was funny my dad used Yiddish a lot for some reason why I don't have no fucking clue he was drunk most of the time drunk people just learn his words that's all it was I go right I try to say it to someone that knows Yiddish and

like that's not a word yeah but it would I would travel all the time and go to San Francisco fucking hang out but hold on I think you were saying you founds would you find out this oh yeah we got my grandmother moves north right and that's where it really felt like Leo in the departed because if you go to Lake County California it's like it's like Williamsburg of bad white shit like it knows about everything before anyone else like they're the hipsters on white trash like like methamphetamines were real big before the boom Mountain Dew test market

thank you all the Cheetos before everybody else brother brother we've had cinnamon Mountain Dew for about six years first first county to have the combo dude forever Lake County will now be in my head as a Mountain Dew test market but it was like so I'm up there and my grandma is still in that you know she still lives up there and that's where my dad went from being like a couch alcoholic that worked at a liquor store but still could get it together enough to get 49ers tickets from his garbage the garbage man I swear to God Teddy the garbage man God gave us and we went it was like Steve Young's first start

against the Rams really it was like back when Montana got traded to the chiefs it was unbelievable and Teddy the garbage man gave us like always shady when you have a personal relationship with the garbage man what are you doing in the nine seconds that he's out front of your house that's exactly it my dad will go outside and rip a marble red and talk to Teddy my dad was like I'm very much my father's personality which is just like hey you want to talk I'll talk to you for fucking three hours yeah and he and then I find out that the mob like really runs the garbage in San Francisco like

really way beyond New York obviously waste management but like San Francisco the mob had a stranglehold on the fucking collection collection and then I realized Teddy was like a good-looking Italian kid this kid was probably fucking mobbed up and that's why we got like 20th row 40 yard line tickets to the Niners that were the owner's box I'm like you're the fucking opening manager of a liquor store in Mill Valley so we used to like that's great no child support but Steve Young comes up to you good to see you it's a high five Huey Lewis in his prime he's only throwing

out guys and rolled up carpet Teddy gives my dad Manila envelope and he goes like hey why don't you get this bitch off your back by the kid of guitar will you by the kid of highlights why don't you kick a little to that noisy cut in Colorado he's into what the Ninja Turtles what did it go by the way we could stop by and make life for his stepfather very painful I got some people in Aurora it's okay listen I got a cousin he's out in Aurora because he's got a hot sheet right now he's laying low but he could still do so all I'm saying is it'd be a shame if your son's stepfather had a broken hip but it so

then my grandmother retired because my grandmother had like a you know she's like 70 so she retired up to Lake County that's when I went up there my dad just went off the fucking rail man dog going my dad showed up and they were like you want to see what real alcoholism is come to the trailer park and that's when you're like oh this is getting super dark Jesus and I think he died four years later he graduated from fucking from White Trash Harvard if you just leave food out of dogs just gonna eat until he dies yeah you don't grab your dad in the trailer park he's like later yeah he just fucking running hot

and he fucking yeah he grew you know instead of graduating summa cum laude he graduated cirrhosis come early wait is that where your grandma lived in a trailer park no no my grandmother lives in a townhouse like a nice townhouse but he sought out the riffraff and we'll go hang out like a house down by the movie theater and like so anyways this is what I was telling you guys I'm up but I'm always been like it's a quaint Lake town I've always thought that yeah quaint Lake towns will always describe it to make myself feel better about the fact that my father when I was 12 years old literally took me to some of the fucking

divious places when I would visit him he was a when he moved up there he became a bartender at a bowling alley so that's what he would do is like he would be the bartender shout out clear Lake lanes hell of a mozzarella hell of a hell of a fucking cruising USA machine was there anything better than a cruise in USA loved it's been a lot of chicken with the sunglasses I was in love with her got a lot of boners and a hand vibrations off the wheel oh yeah my homies got the world record and cruise in USA really yeah he's real humble about it which is so funny to me that's the one thing you shouldn't be humble everybody should know

that yeah from the rooftops I love that guy that guy had it made his arm at the fucking door the convertible so I play that or Neo Geo all the time and so I went up and you know my grandma's still there I visitor everything's giving I go up there and I'm like at this Thanksgiving dinner with her close friends and her like best friends son-in-law is a lawyer turned judge in the county okay and so I'm like yeah man how's it been we're like talking about COVID we're talking about all this shit and he's like you know it's real hard for us because we're 46 out of 48 and I go what does that mean and he goes we're

poverty the 46th poorest county in California out of 48 and you're like white trash hipsters yeah you guys really were the birth like we're talking about that's bottom of the barrel we're talking about the poorest of LA the poorest of San Francisco the poorest of San Diego Lake County's one of the top three it's meddling in poor and you're like yeah garbage roots run deep dude I didn't know I came from this is like finding out I'm a Duke turns out I got Prince blood in me really got a trailer in Scotland yeah barely I got a single wide ready for me in Kanakai

but I didn't know that I was like damn yeah John told me that and I was like all right well instead of a scroll they pull the prophecy out of a sharpie on a keystone like box yeah you get a fucking 20 year old piece of a fucking bubble licious and they go read the scroll all right looks like it's a disappearing tattoo some discontinued hubba-bubba hubba-bubba water melon they go they go to you they go Dan you must go on your on your son walk you must go on your fucking fire walk it's like bad man begins drink this old surge coke Joel dude Joel you could feel your teeth rotting out the second you took a

sip I promise you that there was a night that I so this is what's crazy I've explained to you guys why I'm a 49er fan that I grew up in Aurora and I think I've explained to you before my best friend in eighth grade is now the offensive coordinator of the 49ers yeah right Mike McDaniel I think he might you know questions are he might leave I think Robert Sallard he coordinators leaving there's a chance he might leave point is he coached for the Niners for fucking four seasons which is insane to me this is a kid whose house I went to every weekend so I didn't have to sleep at home kids the best it's crazy to think

that we definitely slam jolt colas and did like had like that scene in boogie nights and roller girl and Julianne Moore on the bed and I'm like okay this is what we're gonna do yeah I'm gonna be a comedian I call you my best friend can I say that right now I don't ever want to leave this room that absolutely happened with us on Joe Cole in middle school dude I remember we used to do we used to ride our bikes like 45 minutes in this deli called Peron deli and we would do it and they were the only ones that carry Joe Cole my buddy my buddy Chad showed me I knew you I knew we were doing something bad

yeah I mean but I'm like you're like nine I'm like let's fucking run with it man let's do it the same my mom found out we were and she yelled at me like she caught me with a fucking bag of coke she was like you know touch that stuff we don't do that that's too much caffeine yeah what it was coke like a gentleman yeah you do cocaine when you're at age when we went the same place that sold jolt cola was the place that my other friends not me I was too big of a pussy but my other friends would do smash and grabs at this like convenience store what's a smash and grab like a proper smash and grab you just run in and

grab what you can and fucking smash shit one person smashes shit to distract and then American history X dude it was these kids they're all good dudes now by the way I think I don't know I don't just prejudice hoping allegedly they're all doing okay I know three of them are okay because they follow me on Instagram and we've DM'd and they're good but they had bigger balls than me or they were just fucking shittier kids but cigarettes used to be on the counter yeah and we all used to smoke so their thing was one kid would run in and fucking destroy a lot of shit and if that guy moved towards him another kid would go

in and grabs me cigarette packs off the counters they could get then we meet at the fucking rock quarry and smoke cigarettes who's coordinating this the football coach he's up in the booth usually I'm gonna need a button hook by the chips shout out to shout out to Mitch and Chris they were usually the guys that would drop the plays and then they'd get like Nick and Jason also known as turd me and McDaniel would just be the little pussy boys on our bikes watching I always see I always I always let other people do the dirty I was always on the outer peripheral it's so I could tell the story I was there but

also I could be like I didn't know what they were doing the wheel man on a huffy that's really I was the wheel man I'm always comfortable being the wheel man there's just a pile of cigarettes next to Dan oh guys it's heating up guys I'm going I'm going that Chevy super who's pulling in the call went out the call went out okay yeah I go get it get it get it get it hooked up to a police scanner oh yeah no matter what you don't fucking move this bike you come out but that mongoose is going you're fucking dead you're fucking dead it was and for like a while you know you're like insecure about that when you're in high

school and you're like even in college and you're like man I really was the pussy kid or whatever I was I told I've just never I could never do that shit yeah I couldn't jump on the roof into the pool yeah and it was chicks there you wouldn't take a shirt off my jeans on my buddy's back my buddy Joey's like living back in Aurora and he's like hanging out with some people that we knew from like that time and this girl Kim oh it's always a Kim Joey texts me he's like yeah Kim says you were too big of a pussy to be in crew and I was like yeah that was their gang that they called themselves and what absolute

dorks they sound like now that were grown up she's like also imagine being a grown woman with a child and being like that kid was too big of a pussy to join our gang fancy New York City what's your show time shut up you fucking idiot I didn't want to rob a yeah independent business of the cigarettes he wouldn't steal hood on him he wouldn't smash that Indians gas steal from his soul Joey wrote it to me like it was gonna offend me I was like dude that was the what the boys who wore cologne called themselves I wasn't wearing cologne you're like I had deodorant on him when I was 15

cool water and fucking Robin Robin convenient stores yeah all right we got to get to some questions anyway shout out Pimp one crew I still got my resume in there put it in the drill we'll let you know if anything opens up also Kim if you could text me back I've been chasing it for years I never yeah I never heard back go back join the gang undercover just start smashing up stores that's your reality TV show right there so it goes back to Aurora Jordan's a gang we call it we call that smashing grab we call it the old Aurora double deal oh yeah let's get into some questions guys as you know when you

join the patreon we will answer your questions just yep we receive so many you know we've received fucking thousands a week at this point so but if you join the patreon we'll definitely read your question we appreciate all support this one is just fucking funny to me this is from Marcus have you ever taken a date to see a way in brother's movie beautiful that's just a joke I think that's not even a question beautiful which I don't think I have I don't think I have either what was your first movie date do you remember Batman forever when I was in eighth grade who'd you take not

Batman for him was that the one I wish that pussy took me to see Batman forever I took a girl I think they might have been friends no I don't know it was my girlfriend in eighth grade and Trisha and we went to see that was the one with poison ivy and our shorts and a right Tim Burton not Tim Burton that was Joel Schumacher Schumacher yeah that was so we took that that was the first time I ever felt a boob a care that man forever was Tommy Lee Jones yeah that's what was Batman or Robin yeah there's nipples on the suits you got pubes in the theater I tell you how awkward I got pubes it was the guy pulling the

tickets you're also 12 so all like all those kids that I explained about that like you know those guys were all like McDaniel and I were the were the nerds of that group we were the bottom two we were the absolute bottom two and we talked about that in fucking McDaniel's apartment in San Jose after he took the niner job really I was out there having pizza with him and his wife at his house after the 49ers played the Seahawks and he looked at me and goes do you remember that we were the nerds of that group I was like yo we got bullied you guys got we got bullied hard because they'd always be like this is the heyday of calling a

kid a fag and it was like if you didn't do crimes they were like you are so gay I don't want to sit the gas station on fire fucking pussy come on dude straight but that's what it was it was it was people think now you know online all that bully it was relentless the moment to do something fucked up having to put having to literally put your tab which when your legs and like walk away from something like everybody just knowing like I still remember when they all ganged up on me because I had two new set of pogs really and ready for the pants over here garbage part kept it in a crown royal back dude that's the

that's the fucking you can't come back from that that's such a trash thing that's that's trash mentality cuz trash people think that's fancy yeah that's what a king would wear yes I used to always think how do they make money when they give away these fancy bags with every model I swear to God dude you know what still blows my mind I still think it's really fancy how makers mark dips the thing in wax dude when I buy that I'm like I've made man I quit drinking and everyone's like how much do you miss bars and I try to explain them I don't miss bars I miss liquor stores I was a I was a in one when I was a kid helping

my dad out it's a toy store for adults yeah get cigarettes papers and booze and candy everything's there yeah I miss liquor stores dynamite those are that's a hard that's the one you miss especially around Christmas you throw a couple of Christmas decorations up people coming and getting this and that real cozy and throwing a beef jerky from oh man I used to love to stock that the dipping the chew because you would have you know there's like pucks yeah put them in the top of this slide down rolling like the Skoll machine my dad would like you want to fill the Skoll machine I don't think you're at nine years old

you're supposed to know what a log of dip is fill the Skoll machine they would eat two more lots of peppermint got it you want to give me that Kodiak we're running low I got home I got homies who still put their loose change in crown roll bags like their pirates yeah my buddy my buddy went to turn one into the bank cuz he didn't like that the coin star was taking their fucking cut he comes back all pissed bag still full of change and I was like what happened and he was like a bunch of cigarette butts were in there they jammed the machine they kicked me out so great yeah the crown royal bag of pogs they fucking ganked

them they just took them yeah that's a word I haven't ever like yeah they're like this is ours now and I was like we're friends and then it became a thing where you're like I'm not to fight you for this and then I was like fuck this and I went home and I was like fuck you and your pimple yeah dude I remember fucking out of here dude more like pimp no well at least get the crown royal bag back yeah okay camped it out I used to keep my popsicle sticks in there my dad's gonna build stuff and then I would yeah my dad doesn't have another shift for a while so I remember going home and being like

man these guys are fucking mean and then McDaniel and I would always be like this is mean and he'd be like hey that's Sega channel do you want to hang out at my house and I'd be like fuck yes I do yeah and then it's crazy to think that we grew up but anyways we went to Batman and Robin and my yeah pews and my girlfriend at the time who I was dating I could date it was like the row and we were far enough away that I didn't know you go in over the belt I went in through the leg what oh she's in shorts yeah I was like you went up from the fucking stretch armstrong hold on like you're putting in a stint

I thought you said I thought you were gonna say you went through the fly I was like that's super weird oh that's real creepy through the fly branch out yeah I was in there and I I went up her thigh and I went through the short and you could tell that even it fucking 12 this girl was like man it's all those guys that I was friends with were like fingering girls and like getting jobs and that was terrifying I was still playing with action figures yeah I was terrified I remember like like you would think and I'm like oh yeah I'm kind of in like you know I'm hanging with everybody yeah some people are

advancing whatever and you're like but I'm in it I remember my buddy my buddy we went to school on like a Monday yeah and he had he came in he had felt this girl up and it was the first time anybody like felt up a girl and we were like I'm like oh man I am why am way back in this game I'm like everybody just blew by me now that moment for me came so dark dude shit just hit my life in a dark way where I was like damn be in the nice little boy that I was shit hit quick because in seventh grade there was this girl that lived in this townhome complex named Laura I don't want to give her last name but anyone from pimple and crew

remember they could do the math they could do the math a smart man a lot of fights and a lot of fucking happened in that place but what we do is we go to the circle K by her house get cigarettes and her mom didn't give a fuck so we go to her basement and smoke cigarettes inside those who drank could drink those we all this but what happened was people started having sex and then I was just this silly boy that was in the main room being like that's what Tara apart of phone book and then kids were having sex and it felt like this weird thing where I was like dude I don't know and then hey we're out of pizza rolls yeah and then

get a homer high school happened and I was kind of like I think I'm just gonna hang out with my football team these kids seem like they fucking kind of no shit yeah you realize when you you're like oh I got left behind in this yeah dude they were they were so far beyond and McDaniel was better with women than I was but it was just a thing where I was like I want to go home make forts for my guys and I wanted to smoke a cigarette you know I wanted to take a little break but it was one of those things where I was like man I wasn't supposed to be in that group but I never saw Wayne's so I never saw Wayne's

movie on a date but I did touch pubes at a fucking Batman movie and then by the way I found out that she had gotten fingered by two other guys that's during that movie during the I was stuck during you know a guy I'm watching the Mr. Freeze monologue she's getting worn like a fucking sock puppet gorgeous I love it all right this is for you I because I don't have the answer on this because I don't smoke weed you don't really smoke weed anymore this is from Tyler growing your own weed classier trashy trashy is it unless you get really really really good at it okay unless it's kind of like a sigh unless

it's like a passion what's the number of plants that would make it garbage like a nice operation to trashy you're like what are you doing dude get in or get out yeah you're on the fence what pushes you over like if you if you're like I know how to bud them yeah got a hydroponic yeah you know how you start using things really like well now we're in the night phase of the growing there's people I know there's like people I know whose parents grow weed and they grow good weed really like professionally or just like on the side just for them you know in legal states what about what about brewing beer at home that's too

much of a hipster shit now that used to be a thing that like only dudes did and then now it's like that was like it yeah that wasn't like a bro that was like a guy that was like a you know your uncle did it or sell them good by the way never got a couple of friends that were like come on man it's great fucking what I remember they'd be like I got a six-pack waiting and you're like it's warm and like well yeah I had to make it it's just lame as fuck yeah it's just too long on the low I really want to make my own beer by the way but I just think it would be a fun hobby I like a fresh

pack of IPA's buddy who says I can't do both you know what I mean like I gotta drink some to while making it you're right you got to put your beers around greatness that your beers I like this soda guy's got a good head on your shoulders you got to know how to fucking build them up I like how you were truly like no that's good yeah build up your beers I like it your beers know what you want and then also this is from Tanner have you ever smoked resin like a res ball oh yes I know good scraping I got the trick is to burn through the carb and then you get everything warm and then you go a little spelunkin in

the side it would fuck you up you do and it was a fun to do like you felt like you had something going on dude it got you when you get a good resin ball and it would crack it would snap and you'd like see the pop but here would be the high you'd be it'd be nothing you take a hit and then the heavy smoke and you like that's pretty good and then it'd be like damn your eyes would go super red you get very hungry very tired dude the most the most like I associate resin with this one memory I have of me and my buddy we're skating behind our apartment in Chicago yeah we had a flat bar we

were drinking beers and he slipped out hit his wrist super fucking hard but our neighbor was out there and so we're just like hanging drink like 30 minutes yeah and our neighbor goes inside and he goes dude I didn't want to freak I didn't want to freak Tim out but I fully broke my wrist and I need you to set it right now and I was like dude I cannot do that he was like he was like dude I'm insurance you got to do it bro he's like all I gotta do is pull it hard my dad did it when I was a kid and I was like no dude I cannot do this he was like on three I go one two three fucking heard the snap crackle right I just went

inside I was so broke I had no weed I just sat that on my bed and smoked resin to try and deal with that sound yeah you just popped your buddy's fucking wrist in yeah do resin orthopedic surgery and on a skateboard smoking resin they get would have post traumatic stress disorder what's crazy is the most pampered or rich I've ever felt in my life has been during this pandemic so far I think I'm at that's nine ounces I've smoked nine ounces of weed I like how he looked at the bag that's nine ounces that's the night that he says is being watched by the thing take it easy with that cowboy but I do rollups or whatever

so I like you know grind my weed and I do rollups now and what'll happen is though I end up being like extra weed or whatever that I'll collect and now I like I've noticed I scoop it in my hand and throw it away throw it away let's just like cuz it's shaking just a little bit of seed I got I got a dog so hair somehow gets up on the counter sometimes and you're like and there's like food particles from other things I'm like I don't know what I'm smoking so I'll throw it away dog hair fucks you up it might but there's a part of me that's like look at you fucking awesome we smoke that ball smoke that ball you

would have killed for that back in the resin days yeah there was nothing I never really smoke I started smoking the first time I smoke weed I was like 11 or 12 and then like it didn't stick I didn't like it I panicked when you have a panic attack from smoking weed at 11 that you don't like it yeah it's tough to come back from but all my friends like well fucking just watching them like dig resin and their fingers would be black and I'm like I can't be fun like let's just go steal Kahlua from your mom do exactly a couple of white Russians going around damn I love white Russians

figures are black like a minor no what do we do and it smells like a week or they had the resin on their lips burn the pipe so much that sticks to your lips you're like what's up guys I've broken the bowl like it was yeah I've broken that and still all right well going in yeah running the risk of fucking inhaling some glass goddamn fully I'm so glad you said that I had this bowl that I like saved up my money for in high school and it was like when I say it was thick with resin it was like barely see through the fucking mouthpiece and then I would scoop and it was like I was scooping out

and it got me so scared high like I smoked it and I was like man this bad there's a lot of resin there's a lot of different ghosts of weed you know you're on lean times when you're hitting the bowl backwards oh yeah you're hitting it out the carb and you're burning the mouth what the fuck or if you flip it upside down if you do the inverted how did you guys get high well we were just giving himself the finger big J always quotes that top-done we are invert I think we did about four minutes when we did the bonfire we did like four minutes on it as well you were the 4g we're gonna make 28 I want range J can hit it

perfect J is the king of like references that you don't know you know until he says it you're like wow that's perfect it's top funny he's one of the funniest like him there's like I got a list of like you know him list Shane Bobby there's a couple yeah killers killers I always thought a sign of trash was the taking the fucking screens out of the faucets I used to do none of the faucets in my mom's Karen howl so guard yeah they well it's old and we mean my brother took them all you remember getting them popping them out and you get one of you like give me your pool give me your pool it'd be like a

mushroom head with like a tin thing like slowly put it down yeah dude what's funny is I was buying I was in Colorado for Christmas and like you know at the dispensary and I looked over and it was like at the checkout it's like you want screens for your glass bowl and I was like I'll steal my own man yeah you use fucking screens on the metal metal yeah we did we used to do this big for us we get like the long the deep socket wrench like a screen on that and then you know you put like a bowl pack and then hit it my boy Pat first time I ever got him to tell Smoke weed and he just thought we were in the woods and he

poofed it right like he exhaled into it and it just poofed all over the ground of the forest floor we're like dude you just ruined the weekend I remember wanting to smoke weed so bad that I got a pin some aluminum foil and a mountain do that was big oh yeah that was a ball yeah that was the go-to and I remember getting high I was finding those in the woods and you know high school I got me and my friend food Jack got so high outside of our friend Zach's house and he was at work right and we're in fucking high school but his mom was a flight attendant so she was never home but his older brother and sister were

home and we got fucking stoned in my 88 Honda Accord hatchback a mountain do hatchback it's always a mountain do mountain do dude I haven't heard the word banger someone make a banger so we were doing mountain do bangers it was never a classy soda it was never a diet coke no it was always a mountain do and I remember we got so fucking high and we had no money and it was too early for me to go home for dinner and Zach's older sister and brother were there and we went into his house and I made a tortilla with butter and mustard it was so good and dude his older siblings were like what my eyes were I mean dark red like

Russian Soviet red and they're like damn I just remember that I remember specifically getting high in my car doing that I've done some fucked up things with tortillas oh man just right I got high and I showed you know like I'm realizing the stuff that I showed in my girlfriend on Instagram I'm a basic white bitch like I'm just a basic bitch because I go look what they're doing with tortillas one guy cut it did you see that the four flash fried it I showed my girlfriend she goes I just think you're hungry yeah I think I said something as dumb as look at the new innovation they did before check it out look what Elon

Musk is doing innovation yeah just like you fucking you're talking about the four layers you don't think I'm fucking doing that you're not got damn I got money for a penny you guys got it we got to get a penny press and you got to do a live cooking show the hot dog the hot dog cook off the best way to do what are you gonna be a judge cuz I just want to get a nice fat bowl of resin oh man I will get so high off your girlfriend wants to go to dinner like babe I can't you got to see what the are you garbage guys are doing with tortillas bust out the lands and sweat pants we're bringing the nice ones out I gotta have some

move in it room we should have a resin ball challenge I think you guys should do a are you garbage cooking show with people making their garbage food yeah tortilla a hot dog or whatever and then have three garbage judges this is all just a pulley for you to eat yes hi on resin and genuinely made tequitos and genuinely judge the garden I didn't I did or I did a writing packet for Jesus and Miro yeah one of the segments I pitched was the bodega store cooking show right where you can only cook with bodega store items I'll eat a spam fucking quesadilla but if you guys do that right now I'm just talking about

down the road if you guys do this week whatever you know my Thursday's open bonfires not on the air right now I got time to kill if you guys do that please judge of course of course of course what do you think the best way to cook a hot dog is at home my course yeah my man and I put mayonnaise on it leaving you hanging there big man mr. money bags we're all my mayo dogs that's the Marin County that's a late County no mustard or ketchup just male no no mustard I'm with you on that toaster oven rain supreme for hot dog preparation he's got this sister he's squirrel he spirals it I say bring it

to the fucking cooking show and then I get to do white trash Gordon Ramsey this is fucking terrible you gotta say like what is this shit I love your soda comes in like Paul Hollywood here's all silver nice button down shirt classic big Johnson shirt yeah a collared big Johnson yeah why didn't they get to that game dude still line of the show so far as fucking Mountain Dew test bananas so fucking all right this is from Mike Horton John at the mic have you ever sharded a little and left your underwear somewhere oh I mean you that you've probably done it week this week sure yeah I had to do it I have never

sharded I've sharded but at home or so yeah but I think honestly I think I shortened and I try to slurp it back up I was here you really hope that it's slurpable you really go I hope you don't know you really felt you really can't get good intelligence on the situation also it feels wet a lot of times when it's not right no boots on the ground I have unknowingly sharded before a minor chart and not known until I got home and check the Haynes oh really and then I'm like ooh that's bad and then I'll think back and I go I know when happened it's amazing though if you do shard it doesn't it never really leaks

it never smells boy you think it should well I have a very weak sense of smell that's why COVID sucks for me because it's like people like I can't smell I'm like yeah and I fart a lot and and it's been said several times to me by my girlfriend living in this quarantine she's like you are so lucky your farts don't stink because you fart and you can't smell and it would be so evil if you could just fucking rip it not to crush a really good yeah yeah villain you hear that gas you've only got 20 minutes to solve the puzzle all the shit shall take over your

hair it's like a detier Batman yeah it's like the tutor is like oh no the shitsters here hello Batman and Robin I just farted or did I you decide I don't know only when my butthole quivers do I know I won't know till later when I check my underwear this is from Katie have you ever used one of the massage chairs at a mall or a rest stop a car wash you're that guy in a car wash doing the car what am I gonna do standing like a fucking asshole did I have my calves worked a little bit I have not walked by a brook stone without using I do I do it in an airport too if I

get delayed if I get delayed I go I'm treating myself I'm doing it I don't get great yeah yeah what's so funny is when you're getting a fucking 15 minute massage in an airport just on your shoulders and you have to keep pulling your head out of the fucking doughnut to be like today say the flight to me was that Delta 767 to fucking like inception yeah yeah I love all that shit I love the blood I can't not do the blood pressure machine it's great yeah it's great to see where that was also my primary care anytime you see a CVS poppin when you walk by the machine you go doctor doctor doctor you concur I

can get in charge for a late appointment feet doctor you go I'm gonna need this test stat just push the button I always ask the pharmacist when I don't have insurance I ask the pharmacist way too many questions I know dude I'm a pharmacist I don't know what does this look like does this look like cancer or the chocolate covered feel it feel it is it's not hard though but it moves he still does that to me help me up he goes yeah I like he'll ask me medical questions go what a in our 10-year relationship thinks that I have any information on this I just need to hear something yeah I say get something

down on paper to stop the voices yeah that makes sense then I'll go yeah I would get that checked out because you think yeah man I don't know I guess the wrong answer this is from Joshua have you ever complained about a meal at a restaurant with the sole intent to get it for free that's that's that's grind that's not good garbage yeah I can't that's trash I've worked in too many restaurants I don't complain do you if something's like how wrong does it have to be for you to even say something come on dude I will take the punishment I'll just be like I deserve this yes I don't like beans they'll send me stuff with

beans and I'll just be like it never really matters you can make it work I did you know the other day I got an omelet and they forgot the ham I said it's like a cheese omelet what's the big deal yeah so what's it's still an omelet still an egg toast and home fries there was a lady I'm the big and I can cheese on the side part of the meal I still got most of my moons over Miami don't get me started how's the moon over shout out to Denny's Denny's and Denny's and Bennigan's so good I love it fucking Denny's I could walk through a Monty but that's the trashiest sandwich ever deep fried so good yeah fucking good

french toast is bread oh dude I want to headbutt your mic turkey ham cheese little syrup I when I used to work at those caminos which is like you know at the time it was like on the fancier side it like now is like a TGI Friday's kind of it's like an elevated TGI Fridays but it did have cachet when my first I remember it having a little bit of yeah when I worked there it was like you better learn how to these people were like wealthy like wealthy people were there and wealthy people complain they can be garbage yeah yeah and I remember this one lady was like I asked for no cilantro

and I understand people that don't like cilantro soap tastes like so and I understand that these motherfuckers would try to say that they had a severe medical allergy they'd like I have an allergy and that's you lying cunt you can only taste like so yeah and we knew that so I was like oh really like I'm sorry you have a cilantro allergy and she'd be like you need to take this dish back and I need to speak to your manager and cilantro that could have killed me meanwhile she is wolfing down a double guacamole she's literally taking a chip of guacamole and she goes you're lucky we have this guacamole

you're lucky I'm eating cilantro right now so I can return my watch and I'm like uh-huh uh-huh you know if I said anything I want to get a tip it's people that don't I don't think people that have worked in that like people that have worked in the restaurant they won't they'll never have to they understand what it means like it's like you know they don't get that it's like we see you sure sure you're a piece of shit yeah like I am very aware of the weight staff bus staff bar staff yes of course because I spent a majority of my pre-comedy life in restaurants my and it sucks sucks sucks my wife is great too

but it sucks I mean you get fucked up and you get laid and you have fun and there's like oh yeah you got a pill addiction it's a whole it's a great thing perks situations all right and getting the kitchen troughed off is really good when your boys would like to fucking sue shepherd it cooks when your first thing you do I was boys with the lines and I would just walk in and I would always like be like I speak kitchen Spanish oh yeah walk in he back fucking pinch it back right there's like fucking talking to you and I would get the throwaway food oh yeah right would they be like hey did you that no

cheese they're back no and then I'd walk in it I'd be like oh boy living doing that you know we're talking about garbage returning a meal for free here's a real question you ever ate off someone else's plate when you're a waiter what let's go yeah all the time all the time we had a dish at Dos Caminos which was the cilantro skirt steak right and it was a skirt steak cut you know how they cut skirt steaks in those diagonal cuts that's great I would see which way they would eat and I would take the other end fucking lady in the trample on the way back and I would just fucking take strips of steak as I was walking back in

I was working at Geno's East in Chicago deep dish pizza place and I was vegetarian for nine years until a plate of chicken tender started throwing it all away for chicken fingers yikes but what were you gonna say we were talking about fuck my uh look at this guy's a professional broadcaster shout out to the bonfire gone but not forgotten we're gonna find our new home yeah you can sign with our you garbage my wife is from Europe so it's a different restaurant yeah like anybody you don't have a way anybody you see working there can you can just be like hey this

yeah cuz they're all salary it's all salary and but there's no like zones everybody's just kind anybody can do anything for you like you don't ask the food runner for a refill or something you don't ask the bus boy yeah you'll catch a look she doesn't know that yeah so she's asked the host is anybody for anything and I'm like it's my biggest pet peeve because I'm like now that guy's got to go find the waiter tell him that he's already got nine things to do so it's like if dude I am out like I'm ready to fucking flip my shit at every meal we have the cuntiest I've ever been in my life as a human being was when I

was in the weeds in a table out of my section asked me for something what yeah have you seen me before no I'm just fucking walking by can I get some more aioli and I'd be like I'm not yeah let me find your server I just fucking slammed that door open to punch the micros and he's fucking cocksucked supposed to get them an aioli 364 just got sat and I got to get them chips and something he's fucking cocksucked so why are we standing here yeah have any of you ever been fired from a restaurant honestly for for as much garbage as I am I'm pretty I'm pretty good at making myself likable so I'm not fired yeah yeah you can

be yeah yeah you're a likable guy you should have been fired several times but I would I like ability to eat my way out of it I've been fired well mostly political reasons it really was it was like it was like restaurant politics oh dude I really thought it was politics politics you go they go all right is everyone familiar with the sexual harassment seminar won't take my guns yeah fucking snowflakes yeah it's fucking you gotta get my good good look at my way to the capital it was always when like a new manager came in and oh that's the worst they wore a server and they hated you and your friends dude so everybody got axed my buddy that I told you about uh Zach that we were outside getting high in high school ended up working

together at a restaurant in New York he got oh my did my head oh I thought my mic just cut now you're good uh he got got by a new general manager yeah she came in and she didn't like the fact that we had our band of married men she caught she caught Zach and fucking who was that jack welch would come in and cut the bottom 10 percent of any company took over keep you on your toes yeah and he's like oh fuck yeah the I got fired from that job at Gino's East and they they own the comedy bar which is like it's yeah terrible terrible comedy clubs never support them but they uh the shout out Zany's yeah big time yeah shout out Brian those are the homies laugh back yeah very excited to come back to Zany's uh but the first time I got I did a show at

comedy bar I walked in and it's on top of a different Gino's East and I saw the security guard who got me fired and he was like oh what are you doing here and I was like working upstairs you mother yeah how good does that feel oh it felt great I worked at restaurant vengeance yeah even just vengeance in general I worked at WXR I'm a big vengeance guy yeah I worked at WXR K which was uh K-Rock here in New York 92.3 and I was there when it went from uh like I moved here got a job at free FM on the weekends doing like you know because I worked in radio and then they switched back to K-Rock I was on air I did overnights and weekends you know like cheese mo would do the week days I would do the weekends I just went by Soder it was like a great job CBS CBS radio fires us

and they're like we're doing a format flip so they flipped the top 40 and the like they turned to 92.3 now was the station okay and all these fucking shitheads from Tampa came in and they were the new guys but I was so broke at the time and I was waiting tables doing comedy and this radio gig radio gig was the best paying gig that I had that they were like hey we will pay you on air money to board off and teach the new people how to run how to run it it's Howard Stern's old studio okay at 40 West 57 like the heyday of Howard before he went to Sirius was this studio that later opien anthony used and then I just got to fucking sit in it like a schmuck and just be like oh fucking robber was right there yeah fucking Jim when opien hither here jim norton

sat there and opie you know opie was at the board and I was I was such a fan boy that I was a nerd but I remember Jackie martlin cigarettes right here yeah this is where fucking stuttering john got chipped on but it was one of those things where I got fired and I got let go and I was like mad about it and it was top 40 so they left 40 West 57th and moved down to I forget which street down in like Tribeca that's where they moved I didn't know CBS FM moved down there I didn't know CBS radio moved down there it's the same building as Comedy Central so I get fired and then like two years later I have a meeting at Comedy Central it's like one of those generals nice whether it's like hey we want to get to know Dan Soder and I was like you know coming up in comedy you're like that's huge yeah I'm gonna

meet Mr. Comedy Central and I go to the building I have my meeting I go outside I'm smoking a cigarette in the fucking douchebag music director that was that came in when I got fired sees me and I see him and he's like oh did you come to beg for your job back Jesus you're a piece of shit and his name is yeah his name was tic-tac fuck that guy fucking tic-tac fucking piece of shit fucking douche fucking tic-tac ass how many years how many years apart was this this was oh this was uh 2011 I had the meeting oh nine was when I got fired nice two years he thinks you're coming back he was like he was like oh he looks like you're coming to beg I remember he said beg for your job what a fucking piece of tic-tac sounds like a guy you would have had beef with

in the piece one crew yeah oh pimp one crew took your crown royal bag Roach and turd wouldn't have had a tic-tac but it was what's crazy as well also what's funny is at kfma when I worked at the station in Tucson my buddy was named tic-tac so it's hard to hate a guy with the same radio name as your friend you know you're like oh I fucking really hate puff a lot just like a silly name you know who I don't like is the fucking rodo I love sponge yeah just like hating a radio name oh you know who really fucking bugs me his old fucking winter whistle I gotta hate a guy named tic-tac now because he's a fucking piece of shit to me did you tell him what you were there for yeah I went fuck off I went here to talk to Comedy Central okay then I found out he was like a suspect dude so

double guns yeah suck my dick bar file right again take that tic-tac I may I'm fucking I'm I'm going for all my enemies next in 2021 I like it you're seeing battle mode dance over they came in hot yeah pre-covid I was a very nice boy to everyone but guess what I've been nice to everyone you do I'm telling you well you soon as you came in you got the beard you got two bags you're fucking you got a pound of cheese on him he's a little tense I got a cup cake I got Yukon gold 345s on me I'm fucking gold this is out in the woods Danny so yeah freaking bad dancer I go turns out I had a bad diagnosis want to set my girl up so no I'm fine want to set Becky on up yeah I gotta set Becky on up with all the with all the

rayos sauce he needs I go $75,000 we'll buy Mike back you up all the rayos he can ever he turned us by the way he turned us all the rayos fans unbelievable yeah all we all I was offended I've ever been by a girlfriend was when I dated that wealthy girl and it was like Game of Thrones was on and she wanted me to come to her apartment in Manhattan and I was like why don't you come to Queens my roommate's gonna cook some pasta yeah Richard ain't going for that dude and it's like you stupid bitch you missed out on fucking wonderful Mike Becky oh Michael Becky oh from Youngstown Ohio a real mama Malook it's funny what's important to trash people though like what you don't want to come for rayos what are you not yeah it really was that's really what I want

I'm ordering sushi right now she goes why don't you just come over and we'll order something chef cook for us and then now you're gonna fucking mess out it's a tomato basil not the mushrooms I'm telling you get over here quick you stupid asshole get an Uber he used to ground beef it's in the ground turkey the noodles look a little al dente but I'm all right with that yeah it was uh that was that was man I miss Vicky Owens homemade noodles not homemade yeah he boiled him and by the way sometimes well he did it at home by the way sometimes boy we only have one pot so sometimes he boils them in the pot that I make my iced tea in so you know a little peach flavor a little tang to a little peach flavor

rig Tony spaghetti a little crystal lights yeah all right all right let's try to throw a couple more here this is from Ryan have you ever gone to Hooters and taken a picture with a waitress that's from the Facebook group that's a homerun let me tell you are you a Hooters I imagine you were dude first off if Joey Owens is watching this here are you shout out to L Diablo himself if he is watching this he knows exactly what story I'm about to tell when I was 16 years old there's a Hooters on Parker Road in Aurora and we went me and five of my buddies on a Friday night like let's go to Hooters we're 16 yeah that might as well be a fucking strip club I wasn't a 20% tip either I can guarantee that no probably like a 10 we're idiots actually no we all worked

in the restaurant industry we probably hooked her up I god damn it I didn't get my picture taken worse I I tried to impress her he's doing your macho man Randy Savage I'll take the wings oh yeah wouldn't mind a little bit of a bruise it wasn't even that would honestly Kevin that would make me feel better about who I am as a person hey honey you ever see a crown royal bag come on over here you ever you go I got Baja blast 15 years before my dad's my dad's room is the summer yeah my dad my dad's roommate Jim's got an inside guy you guys have code right oh yeah of course you wouldn't have it yet uh next summer sorry it's a coastal thing wait to get your hands on some cancun miss yeah I go lady just trust me there's

a wave coming there's a wave of Bob black there's a cool wave coming she's mesmerized wait a minute they're combos but not pretzelist tracker take down my number I live off the parking complex of Parker and Isla if I got a nasty needle problem so I'm 16 I'm 16 she goes the stockings cover up the track marks behind my knee so we we're at this point chestnut checkers out there Aurora honestly I'm working hard enough to open a uh uh this is like half true like I would like to have enough money to open an opiate treatment center in Aurora because I know where we're headed as a country and I know where I grew up and we're about to be listen they still wear jenko's there I'm just saying I'll be in treatment center in rural rink yeah there was always a

lee pipes kind of it's going to be called skate city cleanup I'm gonna have that there on the fucking you you fucking turn in your needles and you get a free roller you get free fucking roller skate free couple skate yeah skate free pinball machine we do Friday skate the shakes and that's Saturday sweated out sweated out Saturdays turn the heat up and lock the door guys we do a lock in Friday night so that the shakes turn into sweats and then we got dookie sundays so this this waitress from Hooters comes over I forgot where we were I forgot where we were all right all right there's a couple skate if you know if you know someone's got some dope and you got an itch find them and team up for that have you got a needle and she's got a bag we're

gonna do our races we're gonna be racing for 70 cents at the end of the day you get there you should get put it together for a bag of junk down to play rooting through the pockets everybody rooting through the park all right this is the horse race yeah they go all right this is the hot pack heat you guys do this you're gonna get some fentanyl laced in your heroin we uh so we go to Hooters and I'm like 16 and I'm trying to talk impressive what is she like a 23 year old she's a woman yeah she's definitely got a kid too soon yeah definitely kids the bus boy yeah dude kids just in the car but by the way it's a 90s kid so he's listening to the tunes yeah he didn't have a phone to play with so I go in and I'm like you get the wings and I'm like dude I'm so hot dude

all of the wings yeah no shit I'm not even a flaming young I really think I'm a repressor and I'm like it's the hottest you got she goes 9-1-1 and I was like I'll take them oh my I'll take the 9-1-2 I'll take the 4-1-1 I got a city complaint I'm about to dig what number should I die so she brings the wings and I eat him and I'm like sweat you're trying to play it cool though I don't even like spicy food I've had them there man they're no joke so I eat them we get in food jacks astro van oh astro vans are trash we're about to go to a house party they always smelled like eggs always yeah pregame to the Hooters pregame to the Hooters we go to this house party we find out about this house party mm-hmm like a low-key house party we're like

we can all go there dude we are driving there and I start sweating and my stomach it starts getting upset we had to pull over to an amco gas station and I shit my brains out and it was one of those gas stations where it's in the middle and it's just like a little unit oh my god I have to beg to use the bathroom yeah dude I was shitting so hard that food jack had to buy me a Pepto Bismol leave it outside the door of the bathroom because I had to yell through the door there was no cell phones they wanted to go to this party and they're like dude we've been waiting for 30 minutes and I'm like I can't leave yeah I can't leave I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna have to shit again I'm sweating thinking about it 9-1-1's got you dude they left the Pepto and I went and had to drink

that and then walk home with sore butt fucking Danny so it's playing it real cool by the way dumbest move ever man dude that we have to write this down a great question for the future is have you ever eaten food you had to sign a waiver before oh yeah I used to work at Wings to Go and I thought it was cool the top two there was like 25 sauces the top wings were suicide and homicide or homicide and suicide I guess homicide would be worse than suicide right I don't know suicide I think you're leaving more people sad yeah I don't know either way uh gotta leave a note either way for the top one yeah that's more of a bummer I guess I'll eat these the homicide wings are when you slip the suicide wings to your friend yeah that's great yeah exactly you had to sign a waiver

that was the thing I thought that was so cool I would like tell I'm like yeah I work at yeah they got Kevin how's work I was like anyone ever die over there yeah a couple people it's my job to inform the family where do they put the bodies and they go into the garlic sticks Teddy swings by in the dump in the garbage truck Teddy goes hey you know sometimes can't people we gotta go see kippy at the wing stop all right let's run through two more and then we gotta fucking get out of here holy shit fucking head's about to fall off um this is uh from Chris on Facebook growing up did you your family have a universal remote or multiple remotes they're both really trashy the pending

on the year yeah multiple remotes most of the time the tv remote to turn it on and off the cable and then there was a vcr a dvd remote as well multiple remotes most of my life yeah a couple years Trish slapped it together and got the universe I remember when they came out that I went over my neighbor's house and those I thought I was at NASA I'm like this can try to fuck does this talk to everything in the house well you'd switch it and you'd be like stereo my my stepdad was very good with technology my first stepdad which is a very trashy statement my stepdad well my first stepdad he was the only one but you know he was the only one that legally locked up which is you say he's good with technology he was like really good with it I don't know if a 90s stereo system

I think it's harder now I think it's already doing a set of rabbities this guy it's I think it was harder than than it was now you needed to know about wiring and sure yeah apple makes everything so easy looking those speakers up in the back the red and the black dude I literally thought I was a computer programmer when I was doing that I found I was like oh yeah you lift the tab up stick it in damn that was so hard yeah but he would do that he programmed our universal remote and I was like damn it's fucking why was dude that was a mind blowing back in the 90s that was something else yeah but we had both um all right then this one is from Adam also from the Facebook group uh has your mother ever hemmed your own pants yeah of course and the hem was never

good I was I was a big crotch ripper no but they ever have a bring them up yeah that's what I had to do and then by the way they would go too high they would always have high water always go too high your socks are showing and I remember being like mom no like fucking I want them lower and the stitching it was just like one thread instead of like an actual hem yeah she wouldn't buy me jencos so I had to wear utility jeans from Target like I bought all my clothes at Target as well as the ninth grade and then ninth grade she let me get two pairs of Tommy Hilfiger carpenter jeans dude with what did it have the the Hilfiger on the on the hammer holder they were fucking hot dude I used to have a pair of them god damn I want another pair of them oh let's go get some

let's get pairs let's go over that dude you ever go to that manhattan mall over by freaking that that place is a real trash wild west dude what's crazy is when I came here the first time I ever came to New York I was 17 because my friend was looking to go to NYU and his mom was a flight attendant so I got a buddy pass for spring break I came to New York with him I just wanted to see New York like 2000 yeah four nine eleven we went to the Manhattan mall and I was like this place is awesome I'm gonna move here one day I was like you guys got a hooters in here oh dude I got a Syracuse hat I don't even care about Syracuse I was like I gotta get a hat I was telling him for some reason like in the 90s there was just a couple of teams that didn't matter where you lived

everybody like the bulls the hornets hornets hornets was big you know what I had a fucking anaheim mighty ducks mighty ducks yeah that was big that was big is there anything trashier than one of those that's like a couple years old that's kind of dirty what the starter jacket I bought a 49ers 90 starter jacket like three years ago and it's been too warm for me ever to wear it I love it and it smells like another person's house and I don't like it yeah it's from the 90s yeah I don't know holy shit it's not a remade it's actually somebody's yo the fucking coolest starter jacket I've ever seen in my life I was walking through the Minneapolis airport and a motherfucker had a Minnesota state screaming Eagles starter jacket which is the fake college from coach with

Craig T. Nelson oh shit it's cool as shit I've ever seen in my life that's pretty cool I was one of the New York nights hat from the natural that's pretty great I would I would do a starter jacket of like I was one of the shark's jersey it's pretty good and I don't know what from any given Sunday I was just pulling around will it be man that'd be pretty great yeah I really throw a wrench in that I thought we were having fun all the fake teams I wanted to get this guy all of a sudden comes in yeah I'm sorry yeah I always wanted to be on the baseball team from Greece yeah take it easy yeah I'm not buying a leather jacket about teabirds hey this is crazy we're having a good time yeah we're just having fun I'm sorry

guess you didn't like fucking any given Sunday I thought Lawrence Taylor's performance was pretty I wanted a night's jersey Dallas nights but if you're gonna take or whatever the the Faro's what was this I don't know dude I always feel like that's what the Seahawks jerseys look like is an indie given Sunday team yeah that's true that's the biggest problem with NFL or football movies if it's not the real teams it really takes feels fucking weird what was the team and what was the team from the replacements with Shane Falco oh shit I know they're red and blue uh the DC I would fucking I would rock a Falco jersey a Falco jersey a Falco six heel pain digs chick wait pain heals chick chicks dig scars glory lasts forever shout out to Shane Falco

Shane Falco I saw one of my favorite things ever was I saw someone with an Ohio State Johnny Utah oh wow Johnny Utah my friend Josh has a great you know the big head little body sports shirts here's the Johnny Utah Ohio State that's pretty good that's a great point break reference yeah damn Johnny Utah Johnny motherfucking cuts me I love you see in that my favorite come on it is poppus oh so good the best thing about point break is the skydiving instructor who taught Hasselhoff how to skydive was like I he was like a bird in the air I've never seen oh Swayze Swayze my bad my bad yeah he was like I've never seen someone so natural oh that's great Swayze he could do it all man he could do it all they didn't want to let him do

the skydiving scenes he went rogue took the B crew out with him shot it himself and they were like we got it we got wow that's pretty bad ass pretty ballsy that's pretty fucking bad ass all right that's it that's it do one more do one more all right let's take it out of here I mean yeah you've had to do this at some point this is from Constantino have you ever emptied a few butts into a fresh rolling paper a bernie is a bernie oh absolutely I can't do it absolutely I used to have I thought about it but I've never done it I stole a corona I stole a corona bucket from a bar and that was my ashtray or whatever and then it filled up and then one time I was just out of smokes and I saw like the top three and I was like there's some meat on those bones

that's it out fucking rolled it up dude that's such a trash person meant out and I've thought about it too it was like rich people aren't leaving the bar like I could steal that ashtray how cool that look on my porch yeah Arizona basketball final four bucket for corona bucket get out you gotta grab that if you're living in Tucson those are so I remember the ones that you put the ponies in like a little rolling nothing better god I love the ponies oh is there anything better than old rolling rock from actual from La Trobe yeah the seven yeah the seven ounces that was my favorite we used to call lacking ponies dude ice cold uh I loved rolling rock that was like my first thing that I was like really got into and then when Budweiser bought it and they moved it I was like

man I ain't drinking yeah I ain't drinking his swill what are the trash cigarette power rankings like what's a gpc is the trashiest yes I think american usa cigarettes the usa is they're they're tough palm all is in there for sure benson and hedges is fake fancy yeah that was like trying to be like royalty they only sold hundreds of those am I correct benson it was all hundreds you could get regular you could regular yeah I don't know anybody that's ever bought them I think the working I think middle class was marble and camel yeah yeah parl a parliament light is like the bat signal for cocads total I do I didn't mind p funks back yeah I didn't mind a p funk if I was in a pinch um what's crazy is at the end when I was like working for Guinness and I had a little

bit of corn and I quit waiting tables and I was still smoking I'd buy dunhills that's really that was so an aristocrat chest coming a middle case I heard just no just I'm ready for that chesterfields for my favorite moments true roman of course uh dunhills you open them up didn't you open them up like that and there was like a little paper in there wax paper yeah I was feeling it the chick that always smokes those was usually bat shit crazy oh yeah she was a lunatic those clothes I was like hit the clothes dude clothes come with with a free pair of puffy DCs yeah dude clothes come with the next boyfriend that pages you sorry sorry Kyle's being a weird that's too funny guys all right gang we gotta get out of here

Dan thank you so much for sitting in with us doing uh family episode patreon questions we appreciate it's anything yet coming up you want the folks to know what's what's the scoop bonfire I'll be back yes we're gonna learn where soon hopefully at series xm we're looking to land at a channel there possibly faction possibly raw dog we don't know yet but we will be back full crew if we're going anywhere bonfire is gonna ride as a full crew very nice I love that then uh if you got HBO max hey if you got HBO max please stream my HBO special son of a gary it's uh came out a year ago and I'm proud of its last thing I've done stand up you can also watch Colin Quinn and friends live uh drive in that's right that we did this summer which has got some stand up

of mine on it but yeah man uh I love you guys and it's been awesome to see you guys you know I had to forgive you for breaking Lewis's heart but I'm honestly man it's like one of those podcasts that's instantaneously like you're like damn this is fun thank you for that fucking thing and you guys I've known you guys in Philly for a long time and it's just great to see you guys fucking kick ass and that's so fun to have you here really that was an unbelievable episode kippy what do you got just as always please make sure you rate review subscribe on itunes still on the top 200 we appreciate that uh full video available on youtube those numbers by a thread 199 baby uh full video available on youtube those numbers are fantastic thank you for all the

support there and then also patreon.com i'm at kevin rand comedy on all social media thanks a lot and we will see you next week peace that was a doozy