Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Dan St. Germain: Son of a Writer

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

Kippy & Foley are back with a hot one featuring Dan St. Germain. Dan is whacky one! Thanks for listening, love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey, Texas, New York, Philadelphia, take the Jolly Ranchers out of your ears and listen up because the Keep It Moving tour is coming your way. Yeah, guys, it's a stand-up show when we play AYG with the audience. It's a good time. September 21st will be in San Antonio.

September 22nd, we're gonna be in Houston. And September 23rd to the 25th, we're gonna be in Austin for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Ever heard of it? Then, Dallas-Fort Worth on September 26th, and we're bringing it back up north, baby. September 30th, we're gonna be in Long Island.

And then, what are we doing? We're going home for cheese steaks. Whiz wit, baby, October... Cheese steaks and vengeance. October 27th, we're gonna be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. Get those tickets, they're gonna move fast. I'm telling you.

Yeah. Do it, yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts,

Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they grow up to be classy, or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're down here in Tooty's basement. Yeah. The summer has come to an end. We got a truckload of pumpkins in the backyard. Really? Wants us to start moving some pumpkins. Well, your hot streak's done. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I had a couple good ones the last couple weeks. He got me two weeks. If you weren't tuning in. He got me two weeks in a row with a Tooty bit. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman.

He is not to be trifled with in the boardroom before he has had his coffee. I can promise you that. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang, happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube

and as you know, those numbers are. Throw the roof. Throw the fucking roof. It's cooking. And then I would be remissed and asshole with jerk off. If I didn't mention the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Thanks a lot.

Are you garbage? Shout out to the AMS. Shout out to Mr. Yam and Family and Company. You can sign up for Patreon. You get bonus episodes of AYG, hard feelings, live streams. The whole fucking line. There's videos. We did the Cribs video of my childhood house,

your childhood house, the fucking Wildwood. Everything's on there. Check it out. Go. Yes, sir. And how about a nice shout out to our producer, extraordinaire. He just had a weekend with the homies,

skating around, tearing up New York City, grinding rails, whatever the fuck they do. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby Tony Hawk McMuller. What's up, dudes? What up, T-Bone? Oh, man, I got the twins at the crib. They're here for a week.

I'm about to get evicted. Oh, I could imagine. Christ. Two more bigger dirt balls than you hanging out in that same apartment. They brought foldable cots. That place probably smells like seventh grade. That's a good point.

But gang, we could not be more excited. And I mean, not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and podcaster. He was one of the writers for the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

He was a writer on Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, 20 episodes at that, 21 episodes of Superior Donuts on CBS, nine episodes of The Break with Michelle Wolf, 10 episodes of Alternatino on Comedy Central. He wrote on a roast of Rob Lowe. He's been on Best Week Ever. He's been on Adam Ruins, Everything, Crashing, this week at the Comedy Cellar.

WTF with Mark Marin, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, at Midnight Conan, got his own Comedy Central Presents. He's got a brand new sketch show coming up that he worked on called Immoral Compass, presented by Bill Burr, gonna be on Roku. Check it out. He has an amazing album out called No Real Winners.

And of course, is the host of Russell Rose podcast. But the big question on everybody's mind today, is he garbage? Visually, he looks like he needs a hot shower, and a divorce attorney. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Dan Sancher. Thank you guys.

That was such a, that's the, That's how we do it. I repeat that in the mirror, when I think about putting comedy. I'm like, I've been on, Adam Ruins, Everything, I've been on this, this is not happening. Dude, this is just a matter of time, before the bookings come back.

You do the Hank Kingsley voice in the mirror. Buddy, thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us. Dude, thanks for having me. You guys are great podcasts, huh? Podcast, thanks for having me, appreciate it. What the fuck was that? I just saw the dream leave. Thanks for having me, you know,

just giving me another shot, you know. What are we doing here? Sending like Bobcabin for a second there. I got these CDs, if you guys want to buy these CDs. We were doing our due diligence, our research. I couldn't find anything about your personal life. Like where you're from? Where's your home planet?

What's the deal? I guess that was, I grew up in Rutherford, New Jersey, and then 10, oh, seventh grade. Then we went to Westchester, so it was like a step up. Nice. And then I went to school in Evansville, Indiana. No, wait, hold on, step up. That's a fucking.

That's a gigantic. Yeah, that's an escalator to the moon. Step up. Yeah, we moved because my mom lost the PTA election. Oh my God, local politics. Ran her out of town on a rail. Ran her out of town, she's like, fuck this place. She's being trumped.

They're the Mar-a-Largo. She really is. Yeah, she's like a thinner skin Trump. Holy shit. So, yeah, then I went to New York now, way back and forth. Okay. She's then New York now. Now, what, when you say Rutherford, New Jersey,

what about East Rutherford? Rutherford, not East Rutherford. East Rutherford, I wrestled for East Rutherford. And then Rutherford, that's like the, Rutherford's like a little bit more hoity-toity. That's like the William Carlos Williams. Wait, this is where, what's it called is, right? Giant stadium is East Rutherford, or MetLife.

Now, where's, what am I thinking of? Rutgers, where's Rutgers? Rutgers is New Brunswick. Oh, New Brunswick. We were just there like four days ago. All right, fair enough. But they had, yeah, like Rutherford the most like, I guess trash thing they have is they have like,

this cowboy depot store that's clearly a mob run. Okay. It's like, yeah, well, you want vests wanna, you know. We got spurs. We got saddles. We got that thing you put in a fucking mouth when you pull them when you ain't doing what you want to do though.

Like, I've never seen anyone shop there. And it's a guy and like a wife beater who like, it looks like the episode of a Western, you know. Jersey has, they do have those weird pockets of hillbill, of like hicks. Like down in South Jersey, it's like the Caltown. I just go by it. South Jersey is the only place where

someone will appropriate black culture while using the N word with a hard ER. Yeah. South Jersey, it's a mix of a lot of bad things. Yeah, it's a lot, everybody wants to be Philly at South Jersey. Everybody wants to be Philly. I went to rehab.

Was it Seabrook house? What up, South Jersey? St. Charmaine's really giving it up quick, isn't it? Three minutes in, repping his rehabs halfway house. We offer you a soda. You start confessing to the murders. Geez, just put on a poker face for a couple of minutes. Call an attorney.

So, we're done here? I don't think O.J. did it. Just get that out of the way. Is the family from Rutherford? Is that what your cousins and all of them are? Whenhurst and Rutherford, yeah. And did you have a big extended family down there? No, it was, I mean, cousins, both sides,

one was very blue collar. My dad's a writer, so he's like a mix of hoity-toity and trash, it's like blade, half vampire, half you. I got you. He's a playwright, and he also, he wrote TV, he wrote on the Cosme show, which used to be a cool credit. And then he wrote, he's written a couple of movies and show like that.

Holy shit, nice, right? But, you know, his side of the family, it's all like my grandpa, who worked for Nabisco, and then my uncle's mechanic, my aunt's nurse, and then my mom's side of the family is like, well, not everybody, I'm really close with my cousin Sam. And then there's some people who are like, you know, it's like really smart people

who also went to jail, you know, like, it's like that kind of combo. So, you know, a lot of people who, you know, died falling off ladders, you know, that kind of crew, real date line, real last third of a date line. All right, we'll start with playwright. That's pretty clear, that's a good start, though.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Where did he go to school? He's cultured, at least. Seton Hall. Not a bad school. Good school. Did he come from a little bit of cash, or was he? No, not real.

I mean, not, I mean, you know, my grandpa worked for Nabisco, and then he worked at a nuclear power plant, I think, so it wasn't like, it wasn't like, it wasn't like mailman money, but it wasn't CEO, but yeah, he's like a weird, you know, my grandpa was like a smart guy, but like, you know, he voted for Obama, but then my dad,

my dad wrote the Nelson Mandela movie, or like one of the iterations that my grandpa gave him for a present, he thought it'd be joke, a spear, you know, because like, and I'm like, and that's like, you know, like, so my grandpa still has like, he's dead now, but he still had like that racist, like Jersey. Sure. Fuck it.

My grandpa, yeah, my grandpa, my dad was just like, what the, Nelson Mandela, you know, like, who are you? You know, so it was like that kind of, like it was a combo. Wait, your dad wrote a Nelson Mandela movie, and as a pro. He wrote, yeah, as a, because he's like, oh, Africa, here's a spear.

Like, you know, it was like North Jersey shit. That radiation got the wisdom. I gotta tell you, that's a weird switch, Nabisco to nuclear power plant. One day you're making fun stripes, and the next day you're handling fucking things. He was, you know, like, yeah, he was an interesting guy. You know, he was war hero.

My other grandpa, like, got discharged because he shot himself in the hand, but because he was drunk, but like- The St. Germain's are a rough bunch up there in an early on. This kid's coming in hot, and I like it. The other grandpa was like, he freed concentration camps and shit.

So the racist one freed concentration camps. You're like chunking goonies when he's confessing everything for delis when his hands in the blood bearer. Holy shit. All right, I'll just slow down. What was the Westchester life like? So you leave there? We went to Pound Ridge, which was like

the opposite of White Trash. It's like very hamlet-y. It's actually like New Canaan in the town right next to us. You remember that movie, the Ice Storm? Of course. Yeah, so that's exactly where it was, you know, played. Gotcha. You know, like, I like key parties

and all that kind of shit and, you know, country clubs and went to public school there, but- Where's the coin coming from to make this move? My dad had no money, then he had money, and then he had no money again, very Irish. Really? Wow, that was my dad. Your parents are still together?

No. They divorce. Does he have parents still together, face? I don't know if you're picking up on what I am. Are we in the same podcast right now? Are your parents still together? Oh, man. Lucky he has a shirt on right now.

Like a bare minimum of a compliment. No, you got real parents still together, face. You got real. What is this guy? Did you guys all move to Westchester together was what I was getting at in seventh grade? Yeah, we did, yeah. Brothers and sisters?

Sister, yeah. She's younger or older? Younger, she's, runs like an English language company now for online, she's great. We're really close, so she lives in the city. How far away, how much younger is she than you? Four years. Okay, so not bad.

So you guys, the parents are still together, you guys moved to Westchester. Your dad just sold something or he was working on whatever? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he had a really good run for a little bit, you know, he was selling a lot of movies and then, you know, and then it just kind of stopped, you know. When she hit 50, it's just, I get everything to stop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. She could just stop, so. And what was the scene in Westchester like? Country clubs, all that kind of stuff? Well, I didn't know. Not for us, but like, we had a really nice, you know, we had a nice house for sure. And, but it was, it was a public high school,

but it was kind of interesting because it would be like, there's a lot of rich kids who went to public high school, but then they also like would bus in group home kids. Like, so it was almost like that, you know, like in the time machine, they talk about like, every once in a while, like, like, so like, like some preppy white kid would like get big for his bridges

and then somebody from the group home would just beat the fuck out of him. Like it was this weird, like, kind of like, like stability was forming. Checks and balances. Checks and balances, yeah. What's the time machine? It was that book, the time, HG Wells.

You thought we would get a reference? Well, they used it. My dad was a pipe fitter, not an author. They bring it up in the movie Ransom. So I thought you guys would know, Gary Sinise used it a lot. So I figured you guys would know that. Not a bad movie, I'm gonna tell you that right now.

I was a real sleeper. There's a whole thing where he talks about the time machine. When that kid pees his pants, that blew my mind. I was like, this is a movie. I was like, real dumb people that use the one book they've read. Yeah, you ever read the book, Moby Dick? Yeah, I do that all the time. He does it with books he's never read.

Yeah, I recommend books to people I've never read. That's a really good read. You should try it out. Fuck out of here. You went to college. Yeah. Where'd you go? University of Evansville in Indiana.

What major? How'd you get out there? I don't know what. The mascot is the sixth back. It's actually a pimp. It's the purple ace. The purple ace. That's the, yeah, that's the man.

Wait, is that real? Yeah. They were a really good Division III basketball team, and then they changed to D1 and got their ass kicked. Yeah, so it was, the whiskey was real cheap. I got a scholarship there for theater, so I guess that's definitely not, I guess it can be tried.

It really depends. No, that's pretty cool. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, like I was, you know, and then I just kind of got too drunk to transfer, you know, because I should have gone to like another school. Were you partying a lot in high school, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you still booze? No, not anymore. He's clean, right? You're all forcibly. How long? Well, a little time this time around, like I'm back again, like six months back, but that was a slip up. And like I've only in the past like, I don't know,

like seven years, I've maybe drank six days. Okay, that's great. If that makes sense. You know, that's a guy who's been to the bottom of a bottle when he, I've drank six days, not times, not nights. Well, I was doing the bath the other day. I was like trying to win an argument with my wife. And I was like, I've only drank six days in these seven years.

That's great. But when you break it down, how many, what's that now? I'm already sweating, by the way. How was, how were you in school? High school, student-wise. That was fine. I mean, you're just B plus. You see, we all know you're a very smart guy.

No, I'm not that smart. I'm literally a B plus. Like I was like, I was in the KD episode. I was like, like 12, 40 or something. That's smart, dude. It's not like, but it's not like fucking will hunting. Like I'm doing like formulas or something, you know? 12, 40 is fantastic.

Yeah, but I mean, it was. Catch you in Evansville. I mean, Evansville. But yeah, I should have gone to one of the other schools, but I was just, you know, I got too drunk. There's a good question. Where else did you get accepted to? Oh, like Emerson and Syracuse.

Those are the two. Emerson's Syracuse. Emerson's a great school. Yeah. I should have done that. What'd you go to? But I think I would be dead. Like I really do think I couldn't have

wanted a big city like 18. They didn't give me any money. And my dad was kind of like a big deal at the college I went. And I think I was just like too nervous because he wanted me to go there. And I just didn't have like an identity thing. And then I got that identity in comedy. I know like, Joe Detroit 3.0, turning into what the fuck.

So I'll get away from it. Why did he want you to go to that school? I mean, they had a good theater program. And I have met some like lifelong friends there. There's a lot of really good actors that came from there. Rami Malik came from there. Oh, no shit. Yeah, Kelly Giddish.

She's on all the one orders and shit. Like so there's a lot of really good, really, really, really good actors who came from there. And I thought that's kind of what I wanted to do. And I don't really want to do that now. I mean, I'll do it, you know, if I get it. But I can't. I have a hard time memorizing lines.

And it's really like, you got to really love. Oh yeah, it's so not a thing for me. He's a great actor. Yeah, you're very good. He's passionate about. I have like no desire to do it. You know what the trick is? You have to be like compelling while relaxed,

which you have, you know? But every time I did it, I was like, I was trying. Like, guilt from the Simpsons, trying to sell a fucking mercury to somebody. Like, ah, get out of my house! You know, like that kind of. How are you doing today? Yeah, so it's it.

Pull it back a little bit. After a while, I enjoyed writing more, you know, more than stand up or acting. I got to say, we've worked together a couple of times. I had no idea how unraveled you were. And I fucking love it. Yeah. Dude, I love you.

This is fantastic. I want to ask you a little bit more about your childhood. We'll get into a couple. We'll pepper in a couple of questions here. What was the name of the street that you grew up on in Rutherford? Home Avenue. This is not bad. I don't know.

That sounds like a North Korean town. That sounds like an alien made up of town. This is where the home is. It's Home Avenue. It's on House Lane. That's tough. Home Avenue. It's like a 15-year-old lying to the cops.

I'm on 123 Main Street. Any town, USA officer? I live on Road Road. What was the name of the street that you lived in up in Westchester? It was the Lower Trinity Pass. So it really goes from Home Avenue to Lower Trinity Pass. We never had a pass. Beans don't burn on the griddle.

Shit. Talking to George Jefferson over here. Damn, a pass. I don't think I've ever known someone. Before that, we were in a rental house in Pound Ridge that was called Pound Ridge, is the name of the town. And then Upper Shad Road was the other one. So very like, you know, like, you know who my father is.

Who's coming up with these street titles? Princess Diana Boulevard. Yeah. Princess Diana Boulevard. That's pretty classy. What was the high school mascot in Westchester? In Westchester was a fox. It's not bad.

It's pretty good. What was the name of the high school? Fox Lane. It was called Fox Lane High School? Man, a little on the nose. Yeah. Hey, what a fox is from Fox Lane High School. It's all Fox Lane.

I don't know if I asked you this. What did your mom do? My mom was a teacher. And then she, like. Oh, yeah. What about the parent-teacher scandal? What's going on there? What?

When she missed and we just lost the election, right? Oh, there. Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, she just lost the election there. That wasn't really why you guys were moving to Westchester, right? I don't know. Maybe it was.

I don't think it hurt. And honestly, it could have been. I don't think it helped our case for staying there. It was fine. I got made fun of a lot, so I was all right with it. But like, yeah. So she was a teacher when you got to Westchester? She was a teacher in your school?

Well, no, she wasn't. She had taken off. Then she started to get in Westchester. She was volunteering at a prison. And then she was good with emotionally disturbed kids. Nice. So that's kind of what she. Not as good with normal children, but not that I'm normal,

but like the kids are like, you know. I was going to say, who are you talking about? Like, you know, the dangerous minds type kids. She was good, you know? And so she didn't work in your school, though, right? No. All right, that's pretty good. What was the name of the grocery store

that you went to in Westchester that your mom went to? I remember the one when I was, IGA was in Jersey. And then in Westchester, it was Food Emporium. So that was a little bit hoity-toity. Oh, and Scott's Corners. That was also kind of like. That sounds classy. That's anything with a first name or a last name,

typically, Bob Knox. IG, whatever the fuck you said. That's like International Grocer's Association or something. That was the Jersey one. And Shoprite, IGA and Shoprite. Nothing wrong with a Shoprite. Shoprite is a fucking gentleman. I don't want to hear anybody slander in the great institution

that is Shoprite. IGA and Shoprite. Tell you that right now. Have milk with dinner growing up? What? Did you drink milk with dinner growing up? Gave you milk? Do you have milk with dinner now?

No. Never. I'm starting to get in a cereal again. Buddy, me too. I just started. I've been six days. I had cereal. My wife a month ago, I go, oh, I'm getting a sprite again.

Yeah, so I've been eating cinnamon toast crunch at night when I've wanted a drink. I've just been having bowls of cinnamon toast in my kitchen. When I quit smoking things, I got really into candy bars. There's something about an adult angrily eating a candy bar. I would walk into the deli and buy it like I was buying a pack of cigarettes.

But the deli guy's hoping you're a pedophile for your sake. I hope you're using these on kids. Give me a Snickers hard pack. Let's go. I'd pop up a Twix and rip it out of my head. That's business today. Kippy stamps.com, stamps.com, I'll say it one more time so it gets into that big head of yours, stamps.com.

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So helixsleep.com slash garbage. Now back to the show. That's so funny that you said that. You're getting back in this here because I feel that way too. Cause I had an issue for a little while. I rekindled my love affair with the onion ring and that wasn't good for anybody.

Oh yeah. What do you, do you like it more crispy? Of course you do. Like crispy and crunchy. It's weird if it's just like a soggy onion. Yeah. When it like separates too much or like we're all onion here.

I like real onion rings cause they have like, the Burger King ones are fake. There's no actual onion in it. But when you get a good onion ring, but then when the whole onion comes out and then you just got the crispy shit, you know what I'm talking about? What are you doing back there?

I mean, you definitely eat it, but. What the fuck? This guy's on him. I'm not gonna waste my $9.99. What's your sauce? Honey mustard, barbecue or ranch? I'm a big, big, big, big, big, honey mustard guy.

I have all three. I just don't get them. And as of late. Try to make a rainbow. As of late, I've really gotten into the garlic aioli. Oh, it's great. This Cuban place, I've been ordering extra garlic aioli

for like my other meals. I'm gonna have eggs tomorrow. Send some more aioli, will ya? Ooh, baby, we're cooking here. That's one fucking boncos. Sides of sauce for meals in the future. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

Don't you feel like a piece of shit when you go to a diner? I like ranch for my fries, of course. And then they bring, like you just want a little thing of ranch. And they bring a bowl. And then they bring a saucer. You're like, and then they have to bring it

through every blood. Everyone's gotta see it, bring it in. It's like nine plates. Yeah, like it's an ice sculpture to drug czar's fucking mansion. It's kind of they get it like they, like I always view that as like a fuck you to me. Well, you know what I mean?

It's like, oh, can I get a side of ranch? Oh, you want a side of ranch? Like we're gonna make it a fucking spectacle. They got the bucket in front of ya. Oh, is that enough? You want more? You want more? Table eight, okay.

Very nice. Very, very good. Man, but this is before I was into ranch, when I was trying to use. Before I was into ranch. I was in Chinese buffet and I had the soup and it was like delicious. And then I went back and I got more.

I was like, I've never had this type of soup. And then the waiter's right next to her bus boy is a Chinese buffet. He said, ah, man, this kid really loves his ranch. I had like drank. I had like had two full bowls of ranch, like fuckin' noogun clam chowder. It was disgusting.

This soup's great. What is it? Barbecue sauce. It's barbecue sauce. It's a human hand. Sir, please stop eating me. Oh, man. Did you have a garage in the Westchester house?

No, not yet. No, we didn't. No garage. We had a chicken coop, but we didn't have a garage. What, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For eggs or pens or something. Eggs, eggs, yeah. My dad would have liked it.

That seems like a real writer thing. You know what I mean? He doesn't have to, he's not the nine to five, he wakes up, checks the eggs. It was strictly for the eggs. So it was a classy thing of tricky. You had to put one of the chickens out of their misery because a fox would come in and attack him.

So you'd have to. Fox lane. So my dad didn't want to, he was too nervous to cut the head off, so we would drown the chickens, like fucking good fellas or something like that in the back. I don't know if it's white trash or just a white darkness. They have a pool, really nice pool, it was really nice. Did you drown them in the pool?

No, no, we had like a bucket of water. Drought them in there. Jesus. I mean, I'm talking like the chicken was dying and like chunks of it ripped out from the box. But why wouldn't you just kill it quickly? I think drowning is probably pretty quick for a chicken. I guess he thought that was the most painless way to go.

So I set the bird on fire. They don't have a central nervous system I heard. My dad is Donald Rumsfeld. So I waterboarded him for three days. Mother fucker didn't talk. Now I get that pulling out his finger now. I did him quick. What the fuck?

Jesus. How are the eggs? Top shelf? Pretty good, yeah. I mean, sometimes you give like shit on them and stuff. So you got to wash them off, but it's pretty good. My dad's shit, my dad would just, no, just shit. This came up a couple of weeks ago.

But if you cracked open an egg, you're at your house, you're making eggs. Crack open an egg, you got two yolks in there. What are you doing? What do you mean, did you separate them or put them together? Are you eating like? Are you eating it or are you throwing it away? Is that freaky?

That's freaky. Two yolks? I don't understand. Why would it freak you out? Oh, it's like one egg with two yolks. That's what happens, yeah. That's like good luck. What kind of dirtball superstition is that?

That's good luck. It's got to be a great day. Hey guys, it's the year of the yoke I hear. What, do you want one Olson or you want two Olsons? Come on. Holy shit, that's good luck. This guy plays by his own rules. This kid's a loose cannon.

Diabetic lethal weapon. Oh, Jesus. Did you get a high school class ring when you graduated? If so, did you wear it? No, no, I don't think so. No? It's the right answer. You ever have a photograph taken in a plastic poncho?

Plastic poncho? Not a plastic poncho. But a regular one? A regular poncho. Where'd you get a regular poncho from? I used to do like the festival circuit. What are you, I'm sorry? J.M. Band Festivals.

It's going to be a big one. Yeah. Who are you following around? Like Phil Lesh and friends, the other ones, Fish of course, Deep Banana Blackout, Lake Trout. You can stop there. Lake Trout. Did you guys get that new Lake Trout?

Have you ever complained about the price of nitrous? No, we would only do the little ones. My friends would do that. My friend had the tank, but back in the bus, we would just do the little ones. You ever haggled over the prices of acid? No, and the only time I've ever done acid, I've done mushrooms a lot.

But the only time I've ever done acid was I was so fucking blacked out, drunk, and coked out. I don't know how much I paid for it. Don't remember tripping at all, so. Sounds good. Sounds healthy. I mean, how fucked up on booze and coke you have to be to not remember an eight-hour acid trip?

Holy shit. Think about it. Dude, I've been fucked up, but god damn. This is not happening on it. That was my whole thing. It was all true. Woke up, read the time machine. It's actually a combo of two stories, but yeah,

we're going to do the time machine. You guys read it out of this. This is nothing like what he described. Starts out with a chicken farm. That's funny, because my next question was, have you ever been to a concert twice? Oh, yeah. That's the answer.

You mean a band twice or something? Yeah, like going to like the Grateful Dead's in town. Well, the Grateful Dead's a different animal. Why me and Bruce? OK, yeah, that's different. It's like the killers are in town, and you go Friday and Saturday. Oh, I haven't done like that thing.

No, my friends, that's their shit. Like, they'll do it through a whole weekend, and then like write reviews on the different shows and stuff. We were talking about this the other night, not to encourage anything, but when I went to college right outside of Philadelphia, 95, 96, and the dead was still like torn, torn, and when those bozos would even get near town,

that campus was flush with whatever you wanted. Oh, really? Oh, man, it brought a wave of everything in. Yeah, that's the thing, is you just go, you know, like now, like if you want, yeah, if you want like downers, you'd go to a festival, and if you want uppers, you just go to a gay bar, and that's it. Who the fuck calls them uppers in there?

What are you, Jordan Belfort? St. Germain's whacked out on lemons. This guy's fucking popping ludes. Well, but you know, like poppers and, you know, whatever. Sex. Uppers down their sideways, or this guy's on goofballs. I got a lot of explaining to my wife to do after this. I remember a kid in high school took 10 uppers and 10 downers,

thinking to see if they would cancel each other out. Got a 1,500 on the SATs. He did not. His name was Will Hunting. He got to score it out in first period on a stretcher. I passed that one in my high school before classes started. Why? Too many yokes.

I had a half bottle of Captain Morgan in the back. Jesus. He's a pirate? Who drinks Captain Morgan before ice? We're senior year. Almost got kicked out. Man, his barrel is this. There's a gun in my mouth.

Well, he told you no swords in PE class, St. Germain. Your sailboat is parked in the teacher's parking lot, and it will be removed. It's got a musket in St. Germain's lockers. Yeah. What were the family vacations like in the St. Germain household growing up? Beautiful.

I feel like your dad would go to a cabin in the woods. We did. Well, I do that now. That's more my thing now. But we did typical stuff. We did Disney World, which was nice. We go down the shore a lot. What shore?

Long Beach Island. LBI clan. That's a very classy establishment. It's too crowded now. Let me ask you this. When, coming from Rutherford to Westchester, did you know as a kid in seventh grade that, oh, wow, we've got a lot of money now?

Were you able to tell that difference? Or were you kind of oblivious to it? I definitely, you know, like that the bike starts showing up into this and to that. Well, there was just certain things that, you know, like I was privileged enough. Like I didn't have to take our college loans, you know, for sure.

That was like something, you know. I think that that's the biggest one, because a lot of my friends would need, you know, college loans, something we're paid for. But there were also people in that area with so much more money. Sure. Like old money.

I mean, not even that. Like new, new real money. Because then, you know, my dad, like, we kind of moved there. And then my dad stopped, you know, getting as much more. The money's not, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, luckily then some place picked up after that. He had like a successful play in New York. But like, you know, it was, it's not like, you know,

like when you're in entertainment, it's never fuck you money because it can all go away. Exactly. And it's like for 10 years, you don't make anything. And then for a handful of years, you make a lot of money. And then it goes away again. So it's like, you're gone. Like you would think, you know, I've had years like that

where it's like, you think you're in completely different tax brackets. Like one year, you're like, holy shit, then two years later, you're like, am I that guy's PA now? Like what, you know. Believe me, we watch the Patreon numbers like to the nuclear clock. Checking that thing like a newborn now.

Every 20 minutes. You're making sure to geese don't you know what I mean, kid? Join the Russell Rose Patreon. There you go. There you go. Go join it. Anybody in your family ever live in a 55-year-old or community that wasn't 55?

Wait, no. No, nobody's done that. It's over 55. Nothing trashy like that? No. I mean, no. No. Your parents smoke?

My mom used to smoke. They don't. My mom may now smoke again. Sure. That's a whole other story. But yeah, my mom smoked on and off. And I smoke. My sister smokes.

Anyone in your family own an old, their own pool cue or bowling ball? No, but not athletic for the most part. I love how those are sports. No, no tight ends or no bowlers. No tight end, no bowlers. Any dark players? No, we don't have any Olympians in the family.

Sorry, my last name's not Phelps. I apologize. Did your parents leave the butter on the counter? They put it in the fridge. There's been different phases. What about you right now? It's in the fridge now. Really?

Yeah. OK. My wife. What about you pee in the shower? I have you. You brush your teeth in the shower? I have before, yes. But it's not a regular thing.

Brush your teeth in the shower? No, only when I'm drinking. Why so? Well, I don't know. I just because it's all because you pee and then you spit the tooth and you have the drink. You know, you do all three. Oh, you're drinking while you're brushing your teeth?

Yeah, I mean, whether you're drinking, you know. I think you're drinking my drinking or different drinkings. I'm starting to put together that six-day thing. I think that was six days straight. Well, when you're drinking, of course. What kind of milk is in those Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Captain Morgan. Do you currently own a working printer?

No, but we got to get one because I just got fucking my ass reamed because I had to print out a script from Kinko's, cost me like $40 at the print shop. It's dude, it's crazy. It's insane. It's like, what am I getting this on? Like quill pen?

We should either figure something out or stop printing things. I think it's gotten back to where they're not. They used to break and then you run out of ink. I think it's back to where it's easy to own again. I think so. I don't think we really need to put anything on paper. Scripts is different. That is a pain in the ass to read something like that

on an iPad. You know, yeah, it was just one of those things I was like, the last, I just wanted to do one last draft. Like one last look through on paper and I was like, this is dumb. Who yelled at you out of curiosity? Yeld at me? You said you got reamed for, I think, place-wise. Oh, well, financially.

Oh, financially, OK. I thought like someone was mad at you for spending $40 on a script. My wife beat me. No, no. My wife and I are both bad with money, you know, that's what. I'm a little better, I guess. What does she do?

My wife is in casting. Oh, cool. Nice. OK. You probably, maybe you've got it for her, I don't know. Yeah, we'll talk off here. Set up a lunch. I like to set up a lunch.

Maybe it's Sardi's. We'll talk this over. She show all the glasses in his smartphone. She's theater. Give me a tower of addresses, Truman Capote. Hello, Dan and Mrs. Dan. It's been a long time. Ever have the dish known as beer can chicken?

No, I don't think so. I don't think so. No, I don't think I've ever had beer can. Because that is the. I have a Captain Crunch chicken when I beer can't. Oh, no, that's perfect. What the fuck are you? Captain Crunch chicken.

Yeah, it's like the breading with Captain Crunch. Really? Yeah, I mean, you've got to be ready for it. You've got to be drinking. Well, let me ask you this, just in case the listeners want to know, where would somebody pick up something like that? I don't think you buy it. You make it.

You fucking do. They take Captain Crunch and chicken. Where would someone buy that? There's this French chef. Next time you're in Paris, ask around. I thought you might have had one of those kooky joints in the story. No, no, this is a queen's comfort.

You could do with any cereal. Like cornflake chicken, you know? Cornflake chicken I've had. Yeah, it's the same process. I think the Special K Pots that came by itself. It's the Captain Crunch. Mom used to make it. How's the fruity pebbles Alfredo?

That's too much. Can Chalk you a Scampi? That's it. That's the winner. We got there. That's a writer's one. It was going to be whoever the third one. That's how it works.

Whoever the third one. Scampi. Scampi's a funny word. I killed you the other day. Even the fourth one could be great and it's over. Yeah. Rule of threes. Do you fold or hang your t-shirts?

Which ones? The t-shirts I fold. You fold your t-shirts? Like you get folded and get put in a dresser or what? You said which ones? Well, it depends on the type of shirt, you know? Because I got living in shirts that are more like capes, you know, with different stains on them.

More like capes, you know? Where's my cape at? You know how your girlfriend wears boyfriend shirts? Looks like I'm wearing Bigfoot's. Bigfoot's my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, I love those. You got a suit in the house right now?

I have parts of a suit. Like I have a coat. They don't all go together, but I have a Calvin Klein coat. And then I have a black pants. All black pants. And then I have a black pants. That's a no on the suit. I got a button down.

You look like you would have a suit of armor in here. We did have one growing up. He shows up to the M. He's in a full night outfit. Dan, who are you wearing? I'd fucking be happy for Cable Ace Awards at this point. Wait, you actually had a suit of armor in your house growing up? Yeah, but it was like artistic armor. It wasn't like real old.

The dad, that's probably the dad, right? Yeah, yeah, he would have it in his. My dad had armor in his writing room. Oh, he'd get away with shit like that. That's fucking. Hold on a second. That might wash away everything you've said. Really?

Yeah. Books everywhere and all that kind of stuff. Oh yeah, books everywhere. Did he write in a typewriter or a computer? Originally typewriter than a computer. Oh, I don't know, man. He might have just turned me around. One of those night suits.

That's very, my life is very contradictory. It's very contradictory. It's very tough. It's like, it's like fine trash. Those things always came to life in Scooby-Doo, though. I never trusted them. That's pretty classy, though. But it wasn't like real.

How come you don't got no night suit at your place? Because I'm not trash. I'm letting you go thinking that's class. It's not like he lives in a castle or something. He lives in Westchester with chickens. That's pretty sweet, though. Ah, man. Do your parents or you ever leave the TV on when you're not

home to make people think that you are home? Yeah, I did that, yeah, for sure. You did? Well, I do it for my dogs now. Sure, of course. Dogs are different. What's he like to watch? What?

What do you put on for him? I try to put on cartoons. I don't think I give a shit, though. He's never asked for anything specific. Put the news on. I told you, Chinatown, for the last time. You travel a lot back and forth, kind of by coastal. Do you have name brand luggage?

No. No. One of our suitcases is a Samsonite, but just because it was at Marshall's, it was like the sturdiest one. I don't think that's a name brand we were looking for, but that's. Wait, I have a Cole Han bag.

Yeah, OK. That's what. Oh, Samsonite's a name brand. His name dropping Samsonite on us. Cole Han, my wife got me a nice Cole Han bag. That's Roller or Duff? No, Duff. Yeah.

Now, if you're waiting in line at the airport and you have the Duffel, and the line's incrementally moving up, do you pick up the Duffel or do you kick it to the next spot in line? I pick up the Cole Han, but my other Duffel, I kick. You'll kick, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a mark of trash. I do it, too.

Just slide in your fucking luggage. I'll do the kick for the, if it's like a shitty Jan sport or whatever. Are you TSA pre-screened? Pre-check. No, pre-check. No? I need to do that.

But now I actually don't, because I don't really travel to stand up. Do you ever fly first class? I have a couple times, but I haven't. But usually you're a coach. Usually I sparge myself. Usually I'm a coach. I sparge for the extra room, sometimes comfort,

which I think is like, if you do enough on the road, you end up, like, that's short. You just want to fucking spread out a little. Of course. What's the credit situation? Credit good, credit bad? Credit's good. Credit's good?

We were bad for a little bit, and then we fixed it. Credit cards. What do you roll with? You have an AMEX? We've just vis, two visa. Two visas? Roundabout, what's the credit limit? Combined.

I can't tell. I couldn't tell you. I really couldn't. That's enough, then. That's enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cash right there. That in a night suit?

Come on. That's what I'm talking about. Let me, but we, you know, like, not right now, but we're going to need that credit, trust me. Gotcha. Now we're going to need that credit. Not raining. Have you ever worn a basketball jersey with no T-shirt on?

Yes, I did that recently. I wear my LeBron Lakers jersey. To where, anywhere? Comfortable. Well, I'm fucked now because I bought this Charles Barkley one, and then this Alan Iverson when he was in Georgetown one. But like, it's too tight, so I got to lose the weight. And they're my gold jerseys.

They're hanging. He's got them framed. We were just talking about that. Have you ever bought clothes? Going late. I have gold jerseys. Yeah, that's fucked. I have gold, the thing that fat guys wear.

Yeah. It's a good move on the beach. I got a gold moomoo. I'm trying to get into a gold moomoo. I have a gold burlap sack. I'm trying to wear a hillbilly wedding. Have you ever been in a bouncy castle as an adult? Yes.

Also, there's also one, like, have you ever been in the museum of sex in New York? They have like a bouncing joint, anything. So it's like, does that count? I don't know, because it's like, that's like kind of chic, you know, like. I don't know, but I'm going to check it out. My two favorite things, titties and bouncy ounces.

What a horrifying thing to look at in some guy's bounce house. I'm a huge boob. Just fucking torturing himself. Do you eat Thai food? Yes. Love it. What was that? Where were you going with that?

That's classy. OK. Just yeah, just wow. Yeah, Thai food's classy. Sure, I completely agree. So far. I think it says more about you that you think it's classy. It's true.

We have a low bar around here. That's a whole country. You can't just say. Toby, cut that. I don't know. Thai food, the night thing. This kid's looking pretty good. He's got, he's, one, he's got Thai food, OK?

And then the night thing. Come on. He was just stretching here. Captain crunch chicken. He's fair enough. Captain Morgan's before school. It's a real debate, guys. Have you ever had a birthday cake that was a cheesecake?

No, I don't think so. Ice cream, a lot of ice cream cakes. Yeah, gentlemen. That's a gentleman's cake. Yeah, that's a gentleman's cake. Leave it out for five, 10 minutes. Fucking perfect. God, I love a good ice cream cake.

Have you ever watched the TV show Pit Bulls and Peroles? No. Wait, wait. I've watched Pit Bulls and Peroles. I've done the one where they do the dogs in prison, but that's like more of a documentary thing. And the one where the guy murdered a bunch of women and they had cats.

Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't think I know that one. And that sounds right up my alley. The Canadian guy. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? The white mom and the daughter or whatever?

Yeah, he was a real psycho. Ever been shouted out on a game show? Ever been shouted out? Shattered out. Not on a game show. Have you ever heard somebody say, I want to say hi to Dan? No, no, no, no. And any family members ever on the local news?

Mom. It depends on. Oh, yeah, maybe the mom and the dad, maybe. Not my mom, probably. My dad, yeah, for good reasons, most likely. But I've had aunts who probably have been on it. Out front of like, yeah. It's not great reasons.

Yeah. Do you currently wear pajamas? No. What's the sleep situation? I don't know. I just, fuck, man. The way I've just been all I'm buying is athletic shorts. That's it.

Like, I just. Basketball shorts. Yeah, just basketball shorts. Because I don't have to go anywhere. I'm not doing stand-up right now. Dude, I'm fucking with you, man. Dude, it's great. It's unbelievable.

It's great. I'm not losing any of this weight. But like, all I go, I basically live in a three. I hang out with my wife. I have a couple friends I see. And then we've got the dog park across the street. That's basically my life, you know. And that's in LA?

That's here. That's here. That's the village, yeah. Nice. These villages are up in the door. No, no, we're going to move soon. But yeah, it's, here's the thing about these villages. It's great.

It's like Venice in LA, where it's like, yes, there's people with a lot of money there. But it's also like, there are people shooting up, like, outside my building, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got some grit to it, still. Yeah, it's very. It's got the best of both worlds.

Yeah. Hmm. Is there a painting of your family in your dad's home or your mom's home? Was there ever a painting of the Saint-Germany? I've had paintings of our dog's commissioned. Like, commission is a tough work at all. The commission was like $100.

Yeah. I'm going to trade it off. I'll use the commission. And then I had one. They tried to class it off. I had my wife. Gertrude Stein didn't broker the deal. I did my wife with my wife and our dog, Mushu.

We have a toy, multi-poo. I did it like Clarisse in the sounds of the lambs, the lamb I had it done. Well, that's fun. For that. That's funny. Yeah. It's time.

Yeah. That ain't bad. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? Yes. How many times are we talking here? I don't know. A couple. Do you like the drinking days, I presume?

You're at the bar? Yeah. You ride roller coasters? Yes. You ever pass out on a roller coaster? Never passed out on a roller coaster. You ever get a picture taken when you were going over the top of a roller coaster?

Yes. Wow. And you buy the picture when you get down to the gift shop? I'd splash me out and we would all the time. But I don't think of the roller coaster now. What about the slingshot? Have you ever been in that? Nope, never done the slingshot.

Is there any video of you or any family member in the slingshot anywhere? No, sir. Have you ever bought a pair of Skechers? No, sir, like it was a deposition. I have not bought a pair of Skechers. Maybe when I was, no, just vans. You want a pair of Crocs?

No. Uggs? Nope. Ever used Axe Body Spray? Yes. Recently? Not recently. It would irritate my testicles, so I stopped.

Wait, you put it on your balls? I thought that's what you did. That's not what you do. He answered that so earnestly. I thought that's what you did. It was a bad time in my life. Dude, I'm laughing at the phrase irritated my testicles. Who the fuck says that?

I used to burn my nuts and irritated my testicles. Oh, that's beautiful. That is beautiful. Since we were in the shower a little bit, are we using a loofah? We're using a bar. We're using body wash. I've used a bar and now I always body wash.

I use bar in college and my early 20s, mid-20s. When I had a steady girlfriend or my wife, it changed to body wash. My wife won't let me use the loofah because of a thing that happened. Yeah, I just, I don't know, man. We had to throw the loofah out, so. Please elaborate, OK?

I got shit on the loofah, you know what I mean? We had to get a new loofah. You know, that wasn't great. We both knew what it was, but we were like, elaborate. I got shit on the loofah. That's why you got to get two of the, I got to get his and hers. My girlfriend would never touch, anything that's touched my body would never touch her body in the shower.

Yeah. Or the bedroom, huh? What, nothing on that? Well, it's like, when you're with somebody, like, you know, in the beginning, you do all this, like, kinky sexual stuff, and then she sees you eat. Yeah. You know, let's stick with the basics.

Sure. Let's stick with the basics. In your mustache. Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about getting weird today. I don't want you to think my pussy's a gyro and an aero, depending on. Depending on what part of the town,

what part of town you're in. Yeah, tell your friend. Ha, ha, ha, ha, that's good. When was the last time you made fish sticks? Oh, a very long time. I'm not really a fish stick, guys. I like fish and chips, but I don't know. Do you guys cook at home, or are you ordering in?

Mostly order in, sometimes cook. OK. Basic stuff, like, a lot of frozen stuff, and like turkey and stuff like that. You know, turkey sandwiches. Was that your toothbrush? No. Water pick.

I have two. No, I have two regular toothbrushes. What are they for? Why? Why two? I just, I got a whole package, and I used them both, so. So, but they're both out? Well, one's in one area of the bathroom,

and the other one's in the other area of the bathroom. So, whatever I remember. How big is the bathroom? Really small. Yeah, I was just saying, it's an each village apartment. This guy's like. This guy's got two toothbrushes. I don't trust him.

I'll tell you that right now. I've never been so well put by an answer in my life. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How about a water pick? No. You floss every day. A little bit, for one time I did, but not really. No.

Mouthwash. Yes. Scope or listerine? Right now, listerine. Regular or blue? Whatever the stuff that doesn't have the alcohol in it. OK. Yeah.

Good, very good. Yeah, soft stuff. Good stuff. Purple shit, the purple stuff. Gotcha. Yeah, that's good stuff, the light purple stuff. Do you currently have on matching socks? Yep.

OK. Checks out. Are you currently wearing underwear? Yep. This kid's pretty good. Have you ever had to have a beehive removed from your house? Yes. Well, no, hornet's nest, not a beehive.

That you had to get it professionally removed? Yeah, they had to take it out. Wow. So that was like Westchester, so that was a nice area. Yeah, it makes sense, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of trees and shit there. It'd be tough if it was in the East Village apartment. Yeah.

Mr. St. Germain, I ain't never seen this before. When was the last time you were in a wave pool? Probably on like a big years, like probably like years and years. OK, that's. I think it was like an awareness, that resort. Gotcha. That's pretty class.

I think that, I think in, I don't, I've never been, but I've had a lot of my family members go, which makes me think it's trashy. I think it's what trashy people think is classy. I think so, yeah. Well, that's the thing, it's like hot tubs. Like, depending on how your opinion about it. Because like when I was.

A standalone hot tub is, we've gone on record, is like what this show is based on is the trashiest thing you can own. Yeah, well, we had that growing up, and then I thought that that was like the classiest thing. And then you would get in with all your family members and see like, you know, they're, you know, you're like, this is not.

And Cheryl's got a bunch. This is not a rap music video, you know. The opposite. I'm living in a fucking Petri dish right now. Everybody's got boogers hanging out. Yeah, yeah, it's just losing my heart out over here. What's that deal? Have you ever hunted for Bigfoot?

No, I've never hunted for Bigfoot, but I've been to a lot of different Bigfoot memorabilia shops in the Northwest, because it goes all the way up. And, you know, I enjoy it. I enjoy the, I bought some Bigfoot stuff. Would you, or is that something that's on the list? Like you want to go hunting maybe one day? For Bigfoot?

Yeah. No, because I don't think that Bigfoot's real. Okay. Oh, so it's just more like the... I think some of that's not real. I don't like Bigfoot's real. Have you ever been ghost hunting? No, no, no.

Ever stayed in a haunted house? Not yet. We go to a lot of haunted houses like Hayrides and stuff. Yeah, good time. We'll probably go to a haunted house this fall. Of course. Yeah, that kind of stuff. I'm at like an actual haunted house.

There's like apparently some Tim Burton bar near us, but that seems like it's, their views are really bad on Yelp. So I don't know if we're going to go... Tim Burton. In the East Village? Yeah, like a block away from us. So it's called the Beetle Bar? I don't know.

I don't think I've ever heard of it. Him make my mozzarella sticks. They have like sweetie Todd beef like shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, like... Fuck yeah. Werewolf, potato tots, like that kind of place. All of the Edward Scissorhands nachos?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you work alone? Some failed actor spitting in your fucking... Your mummy pasta. Do you work alone? I did. I don't anymore. I used to wear Michael Kort's blue.

Pretty good. Do you like quail eggs? I've never had quail. I think maybe I've had it once, maybe. But not enough that I remember it being fine. It was, you know, it was like kind of like Cornish Game Hen, right? Mm-hmm.

All right. You ever eat it at Quiznos? Oh, yeah. Hmm. Interesting. They were hot for a minute. They were good. There was one right near my house.

I enjoyed it for a while because they had the special... Also the salad dressing. You'd think this nice little... I forget what it was, but the horseradish sandwich you'd just in the dressing was good. Corseradish cream. Yeah, but it was... Something else.

If I called your cell phone right now and I got the voicemail, would it be, hey, this is Dan. I'm out here. Would it be the number? Or the worst. It's not set up or full. No, it would be the name. But nothing like...

Are you speaking it? Yeah. OK. I believe it's me. Yeah. But it's not fun either. It's not like a fun... No, that's good.

If you're an adult and you have one of the, hey, how you doing? What's that? Can't hear you. I got you. I'm not here. That is a tough look. Let me ask you this. That's rough, man.

You stand up comedian in New York City. You start getting some writing jobs. I haven't done stand-up since May. No, but I mean... I have done it, yeah. You're a comedian. You're a comedian. Yeah, yeah, I did.

I mean, I did it, yeah. You may can tell like you did it one time, man. You're a very accomplished... No, I did it for a while, but I haven't done it in like four. I mean, the last gig I did was like end of May. I have like three months. You're out. How many long before you're out?

No, not at all. I'm painting a picture. What I was going to say is you're... Although he's dying on this hill, he's got to stand up comedian. He's like, no! And I'm like, Puccino and Godfather. Well, have you ever heard of the guy who wrote

A Twelve Years a Slave, I guess, was on... He was on Marin and then like Marin went, hey, well, let's talk about the time you used to host a comic strip, because that's when he started out and he goes, yeah, that's a part of my life and I'm talk about anymore. Like, he does not talk about his time as a stand-up comedian. I get it.

Well, what I was getting at is you're a New York comedian. You start getting some writing jobs. My question is, when you got your first big paycheck, did you go out and buy anything stupid with it? Not. Was there ever a big dumb purchase? Well, it depends on, I mean, to relapses count, because that's a whole different,

I mean, that's a whole different thing. Sure, no, no, no. For me, as far as like... You spent like two grand on a WWF jacket or something. No, I never spent that. I spent, the most I spent was like $400 on a WWE belt, because I like to get them signed to conventions and shit. But I would buy like nice new balances.

And I do like to go to the spa. I do like to go to the spa. And then, you know, like, you know, like when you're, you know, if you're blacked out, you know, then there's other purchases that are dumb. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's like a different, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

That's not a... That's a different thing, yeah, as far as, you know. So, yeah, not too, not... That's good. That all sounds very responsible. It wasn't too, yeah, I mean, a few trips, but nothing too crazy. How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken?

Love it. How about the Hawaiian pizza? I don't know. I don't know. I like pineapple. I don't know if I like it on my pizza. Every once in a while, I've had it, and it's been fine, but I just, I don't, you know...

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I can't trust it. Not bad, not bad. You ever own any Num Chuck Swords or Chinese stars? I think I had Nun Chuck, so I was a kid. Like, but I might have got like toy Nun Chuck. Yeah, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not like real, as far as a sword.

No, I think I had like a hunting knife or something. Okay. I forget. What injuries did you sustain as a child? Broken arms? No, I was pretty good. I mean, the worst thing that happened is I fell off my bunk bed and like, onto my penis,

and then I had to like, I was like pissing blood for a while, and then I had to get a catheter. I was like pissing blood for a while, and I had a catheter. He made it sound like his penis was already on the ground when he fell away. Wait, did you have an erection?

Yeah. Ah. Why did you wait? Off the top ropes, onto your fucking heart on? Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was rough. But yeah, I mean, you know,

I threw out my back at on Bunny Hill and shit, like I have back problems now, but I never broke anything. That's good. Yeah. All right, I got one. We used to do a decent amount. I got pulled stuff, like a wrestling,

you know, I would pull stuff. Sure. Ever out in Bentaygo or Ringworm? No. No. He's not an animal. You're at your local mall, right? Westchester, wherever.

It's dinnertime. You're at the food court. You got one place to go to get a meal. Where are you going? It depends. Is this like a sack or a full meal? Full meal. It's dinnertime.

You're not going to eat until the next day. The fact that you said it depends already made you garbage. So I want, you're playing with house money right now. I mean, like every once in a while, I would do like the Philly cheesesteak and then as a side, get the Aunt Annie's pretzels. And then like an orange Julius.

So you got like three. Why not, if you're at a food court, you got to fucking get- I respect that fucking order. You got to like set, you got to like, you know, I mean, you guys get it. Come heavier, don't come at all. You are the only person that in,

other than my family, that I've ever connected with on the orange Julius. Oh, it's real good. I feel like it wasn't in all places though. No. I mean, comedians, like percentage-wise, how many people are garbage that come on the show? 97%.

Yeah, everybody. Everybody except, has there ever been not garbage? A comedian that wasn't? Jared Freed. Chris Allen. Who? Chris Allen. Chris Allen.

Karen Feehan. Karen Feehan was classy. Chas Palmitieri, but I mean, that's given. Yeah. Think that's it, right? Is it? I mean, there's definitely been some, but most are.

Shane Torres, you guys thought it was classy? I think Shane Torres was pretty classy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're in good company. Yeah, you're trash for sure. I mean, you would need, I mean- I thought there was a good, I mean, the third, I think it was a debatable,

the first third, right? It was the dad really pulled you out. He's a little cultured. He's got the, you know, you got your own chickens for the, just for the yay. Tell me the chickens took you down. You beautiful, who's the west chicken? I bought a, when I went to Nicaragua for my church,

we bought, I bought a stuffed chicken that was on my dad's land. I brought that home like a stuffed rooster. Okay, let's take a minute and touch on this. What's the church? It was a Presbyterian church. And what'd you guys go down there for? Building houses in Los Pielus or Antalas.

We should have just given money like that. How long were we down there for? It's a week, you know. How many houses did you get up in that week? Like one, two, one or two. I mean, I was like a group of 20, you know? And it was like, and obviously the fucking Nicaraguans were like way harder workers than us, you know?

And it's a weird thing to like go down there and you're like, ooh, third world, but it's like they have a higher literacy rate than us. Yeah. You know, like it's- You have no construction background. Yeah, for the most part, there's no construction background. For the most part, they've been fucked over

by, you know, American money and the CIA going against- Sure. You know, the San Nises and shit. And, well, that's pretty classy to do that. I think- Sure. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't think it's pulling them out. No, no.

I mean, I told him he can choose one thing at the food court and he named three places. Yeah, yeah. He got an appetizer, one place to drink at another and an entree at the cheese steak place. I'm pretty fucking secure here. I mean, I know a way I'm ruling. I don't need any more cross-examination, I don't think.

No. He's trash. Yeah. Yeah. I guess. Just checking. I'm just checking we're all on the same page. I really thought I had a shot there.

I'm through the third. I was like, oh, it looks like I could really pull this off. No. Well, that's the thing. Sam Roberts too was classy, but then we just didn't get to it. A lot of people, through the line of, as it gets further on in the show,

we tighten the fucking screw. Once we realize your background and stuff like that. So we'll get it. If it's there, we'll get it. 99% of the time. You wrote for the Correspondence Center. Were you actually there for that? I was there for that.

With the tucks and everything? Yes. He had the jacket. How was the food? Terrible. Really? Awful. You were at one of the tables, tables.

Awful, yes. You got the rest of the food that the president was eating. Awful. Really? The president wasn't there. It was just Sarah Huckabee saying. Oh, yeah. So it was for the Michelle Wolf one, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, gotcha. We killed it. It was like a little steak medallion. It was really bad. It was like really bad, like shockingly bad. Damn. What hotel was that at? It was a nice hotel.

He doesn't only get a famous hotel every year down there, the car liars, whatever the fuck it is. I forget what the hotel was. Damn. It wasn't the Watergate, I don't know. That's getting a nice cheese taking a pretzel over there. I love DC. I love DC, so I love it.

Yeah, Mr. St. Germain, I believe. So it's a fucking whirlwind. You are garbage. Thanks for having me. Of course, man. Thanks for coming in. I haven't, like, asked, you know, this is a great podcast, so I appreciate you.

We love it, man. We wanted to have you on. This is absolutely fantastic. You know, it's a sincere comment because I couldn't make eye contact. Any vulnerability that two men can have with one another. Thank you, buddy. I will get the Boba Fett in the background.

Do you see a tear go down my cheek? I love you too, buddy. I'm staring at the solo cups. The whole time, I wasn't trying to be dead. I was trying to be you. Oh, fuck, what's that from? That's from Star is Born. Yes.

Yes. Damn, that was good. That's the most manly Sam Elliott cry in that. But he was like, does the cry in reverse? He reversed the car, and you see it? Yeah, he's really good, man. He gets me choked up all the time. That's your camera right there.

You got anything coming up you want them to hit him? Anybody who's a wrestling fan that listens to this show, you should listen to Wrestler Rows. It's a really fun show. It's me, Mike Lawrence, Robert Carpalus, does the WCreativist Field, Scott Chaplin. I think he's done a show. They've had Chaplin.

I love the Chaplin. He's the MVP of the show. So yeah, check it out, man. I mean, we had a fun Patreon. And if you don't like wrestling, you may not like it. But if you like it, please check it out. I think we'd be your favorite wrestling podcast if you like wrestling.

Awesome. This kid's bonk goes in. Kippy, what do you got for him? As guys, thanks for tuning in at Kevin Reign Comedy on all social media. Make sure you rate, review, subscribe, YouTube, Patreon, the whole nine yards. Tejas, we're going to be in Texas.

Come out to come out this- Let's fucking go. Get some Tex. The September 21st through the 26th, we'll be in Texas. Moontow, are you guys? We're going to be at Moontow. We're going to San Antonio, Houston, and Fort Worth as well. Get some fucking merch. We're sitting on about 10,000 koozies

that we haven't sold. Fucking get them. Gang, we love you. St. Germain, we love you, buddy. Thank you so much for sitting with us. Thank you for having me, guys. Anytime. We will see you guys next week.

Peace. Peace. Appreciate it. What an app, buddy. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you for having me.