Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Dangerous Toys w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Kippy & Foley are back with a hot one! Its a family episode so the boys answer you garbage questions. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG https://www.Stamps.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE https://www.Manscaped.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE  Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

This just in gang, we are gonna be a part of the New York Comedy Fest here in New York City, November 9th, you can get tickets to come and see us at Gotham Comedy Club, November 9th, gonna be a fantastic time. Yes, and also don't forget, October 27th, we're going home baby, the boys are going back to Philly, Helium Comedy Club, one show only, get tickets, that's close to selling out, New York's gonna sell out, Philly's gonna sell out, let's do it, get your tickets, do it. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to

everybody's favorite new podcast, this is Are You Garbage. Sure is. It's a little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I think you're to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. You don't say. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day, we're down here at Antutti's basement, she's a little upset with the boss today. With me? Yeah, don't play dumb. What did I do? Well you know she's a big fall girl, she's a big October girl, she loves Halloween. Pumpkin spice everything nice. Pumpkin spice everything nice, she went to the store, the acme over there. The acme? Picked up a box of those ginger snaps and now they're gone. We know you have a fetish for them. So don't play stupid.

Kippy likes a nice ginger snap. Who doesn't you? Dip that in a little bit of hot cocoa till it breaks apart. Good knock. I tell you what, you want to connect with your Irish heritage. Have a couple of ginger snaps and a cup of tea with a little milk in it. A little bit of Baileys too if you're talking my Irish heritage. Spice it up a bit. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of R U Garbage, he's an international businessman. Do me a favor, give me a nice big round of applause for the one the only, Mr. Kevin James Ryan. Hey buddy. Thanks for having me. Oh, don't be silly. Good to see you. Glad it worked out. Thanks for tuning in everybody. Appreciate all support. If you haven't already, please make

sure you rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes. Those numbers are cooking and then full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true the roof. True the fucking roof. I'm sorry, I mean it up, but we got cooking. We got through the roof. That's everything, right? I feel like there's another website, platform, media company that we work on. That's so funny. I got to tell you about this awesome website I just found. It's called patreon.com and it makes you a millionaire. It's unbelievable. And we love you. Shout out to patreon.com, the YAM family, all the YAM subsidiaries, Ham YAMs, whatever you need. I'm in, I'm your, I'm a company boy. Sweet Lord, watch over them.

Sweet dear baby Jesus. Lot of money. Man, ow. And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer of shorteneries and magic man. He makes us all look good. The man behind a lot of the videos, all the videos that you see that you love with us, Tebow McMuffin, Toby McMullin. What's up, dudes? Hey, babe. Just, you know, in here working on a football Sunday, like a real good employee. Don't forget it. Come when it comes down to write them checks. I'm a Venmo man. Working on a Sunday. I want to say something real quick. What's that in the business realm? I don't mean to step on your toes, buddy. Is this a board? Are we having our first public board meeting?

Talking about Patreon. Talking up. What's that? Talking about patreon.com. Never heard of it. Backslash R U garbage for bonus content. Yes. Now, one of the things that we've been doing is fat court. Yes. Right? Yes. Trying to get Uncle Hank situated. Sure. We had a couple of real passionate, real funny episodes with fat court. Yes. A couple of tears were shed. We just brought, you just brought me back in on charges. For the non-patreon listener, we did fat court a few months ago,

and you were released on probation. Yeah. On your own, you know, on your own accord. Right back to my old ways. Buddy, what a vengeance. You let me out. I'll kill again. He's a born criminal, folks. I'm like the ice pot man. So I let you all off on your own, and then we had a little probationary checkup. I sent the parole officer over to your house to our poking around. Yeah, I think that pulmonologist gave you a call so to run in his mouth. Because when I was at the cardiologist two months ago, I was 385.

And all of a sudden- Don't be giving out all the Patreon details. Goddamn, what the fuck? Well, talking about pulmonologists- He's not 385 anymore. Newsflash, breaking the fourth wall here. I'll give you a little bit- You're gonna know you're fat, you idiot. I think they know. So fat court is back. Fat court's back. All I wanted to say, check it out. It's absolutely, it's absolutely a great time. And everybody, we love you. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know where the hell love you came from.

I know, yeah, yeah. You panic when the lights get on you. I do. Fly me to the moon. Like a roach in the fridge. Before we get started, gang, as you know, there's a family up. We're gonna be answering your questions here live. Live to tape in front of a studio audience that's only T-Bone. Um, I think I mentioned this to you before, but for some reason it's becoming more and more prevalent that I'm realizing that I do it and I have to do it.

And I think it's garbage, but I bet there's a lot of people out there that also do it. Okay. When I brush my teeth. Yeah. In the shower. Yes. You use a nerd's robe. You guys using fundip? Um, when I brush my teeth and I want to say that my brother has this same affliction too from hearing him brush his teeth. Like when we were living together, if I was in my room.

You gag yourself, I feel. I gag my, I can't, I'm not satisfied with the brush until I do my tongue with the toothbrush and then I have to go back so far, whereas I gag myself, which every once in a while leads me to throwing up. And then I got to brush my teeth all over again. But is that a thing? Do you brush your tongue until you do a little gag and then you feel like you got everything? Yeah, I hate it though.

You do. Not every time, not every time. If I'm really getting back there because I did some damage the night before, it's, I hate that feeling. What's, what's she doing? Tongue scraper. Do you ever do one of those? Take the pain off the walls.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's too much. It's something you're like, how is that? It's too much. How do you not smell that? It's too much. I don't, I don't get it. Like bologna on a Honda. It feels right off.

It's too much. I don't get, I'm like. It comes out like icing. And then you're like, you, you then take a whiff of that because I'm a guy, I'm a sniffer. I'm a big sniffer. I'm sniffing pretty much anything. Yes. I put on a nice thing here and you'll, I act disgusted at what you do, but I, I'm sniffing.

Poop on the finger. I'm, I'm taking a run at it. Not anymore. Really? As a kid, I would dabble. Yeah. Anymore. I know I've been, I've been to the other side.

I've walked on the moon. I know what it smells like. I go right to the sink. Cheese steak with onions. Um, man, we got it. We were in the fucking slop right away at this one. His mutter was a mutter. This one's dirty.

His potter was a mutter. It's dirty. We're just being honest. Yeah, folks. That's what it is. It's a real deal. Patreon.com. Boast pretentious toilet humor.

Um, I, you know what? What? I, it's kind of, it's weird. I'm going to open up, right? We're in a truss tree here. Of course we are. Um, I'm a big, uh, I like to get a whiff of, uh, like how, how happy he is.

Is it the tank? What? No. Because I'm also a connoisseur. Don't act like you ain't. I'm not. For something so dirty, why does that area smell like bleach? I don't get it.

I, I stay away from um, that area. I don't go, I don't go whiffing. Anyway, I know what, I know what's there. I've been there. Like I've said, I don't need it again. Okay. I've had enough.

I've chased the dragon at you. Okay. But what I'll do is, uh, You're in gym class getting high on your own balls. Ryan, get out of here. Ryan, knock that off. Sorry, man. All the basketball smell like from under jeez.

You got pubes all over your face. You got pubes in high school? Um, yeah. Yeah, that was a joke. Okay. Oh, God. All right. Got pubes.

Yeah, I would hope you had pubes in high school. Be weird if you were driving with a fucking, with a bear with a bald eagle down there. It's a prerec to get your, your learner's permit. Um, fuck, where was I? Smelling something. Oh, the floss. I get the thing and I'll smell the plaque on my,

on my floss. Yeah. Wait, what? You were just talking about smelling your asshole, dude. And the poop that gets on your hair. First of all, I didn't know plaque smelled. Give it a whirl. Buddy, you on your hair blown back on a Saturday

before you head out. Ah, I hate that. The little things. Rotting tooth smells one of the worst. Oh, it's not rotting tooth, but it's like, uh, I love those. Yeah, mine either. I forget.

Jesus, most of you is rotting. Um, the, the picks, like the individual floss, Johns, there's one called glide and there's another one called slide to try to rip them off. Those things that have the shank on the end of it. Yeah. Oh, those things are dangerous. You gotta get glide though.

It's like oral B glide. It's like orgasmic when it gets in there. Really? It slips in, doesn't bleed. It's, it's, I don't know why it's like NASA. I don't know what it's made out of, but nothing else comes close to it. I like a good tooth pick, like, like picking

of the teeth. Yeah. Go do a little session while you're watching. Oh yeah. My dad was big with a match book. He'd rip a little piece out and sit there while we're watching night court, maybe 18 or something like that.

I remember my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Bennett, used to open up a paper clip and then dig in his ear. And I remember thinking even then, I'm like, that seems a little bonkos. Like you're playing with fire. Hey, that's a divorce going big guy. Cause you're not even supposed to do Q-tips anymore,

let alone getting in there with a fucking little needle fucking digging around. What the fuck is that? Yeah. That's insane. Do your guys gums bleed when you brush and floss? Not brush. If I'm flossing, it depends how vigorous I am.

But yeah, I mean, for sure. Brushing, no. Never. That's the one thing that I've always done every day. I don't know why I do it. I don't know how I keep up with it without any effort or whatever. I wish I could apply this to every other aspect of my life.

Like keeping the tires clean on a hoopty. But I can't. I floss every single time I brush my teeth. I floss. Dude, I look like Apollo Creed laid out on the canvas, dude. That's bad, man. Talk to my mom. Patty, straighten them out.

She'll be losing it. I'll be getting calls about that. You gotta tell me that master's tape. I do. I floss a handful of times a week. I wouldn't say it's every day, but probably 70%, you know, maybe like four or five times a week. It depends on the schedule if I'm running late, whatever.

But I remember I went to, the last dentist I went to, she's like, do you floss every day? And I was like, no, I'm like, most days, which is probably pretty good for most people aren't flossing every day. I'm like, anybody is. Yeah. Stuff's just sitting on the shelves.

I was like, most days, she's like, most days isn't good enough. I'm like, first of all, bitch, what the fuck are you talking about? Most like, hey, I have most days. And she's like, do you, she goes, you gotta do it every day. I go, yeah, I try. She goes, well, do you eat every day? I'm like, yeah, she's like, then you can floss.

I'm like, eating and flossing aren't the same fucking thing, lady. Why don't you, why don't you start making floss out of chicken ball or maybe I'll fucking think about it. What are we doing here? May I ask you a question? Do I dump my floss in a nice marinara? No, I do not.

Yeah. Take a hike. So you're not a gagger. No, I'll get in there. But you're a gagger. I don't go too deep. Occasionally, yeah. Yeah.

I don't go too deep. I'd be interested to know what the, the bozos. Shout out to the bozos. To the bozos. What, what, what the squad, what the gang thinks of that. There's gotta be some gaggers out there. I believe I brought this up in casual conversation in the green room one time and our good friend,

Mr. Matt Richards, previous guest on the show. Gags it. That he, I, I'm pretty sure it was him. I don't get that. That he, you have to have that feeling, but I could be wrong. It's not for me. Not for me.

Yeah. It's bad. Yeah. I blew out a blood vessel in my eye one time doing it. Because I did it and I, and I popped it, popped the circuit. All right, all right, all right. I mean, you're, that's crazy. That's, you always take it a little too far.

Oh, I'm sorry. Flaw sniffer. Judging me. No, I'm just saying, now I'm not saying on the show, I'm saying in life, you got to fly that close to somewhere you're popping blood vessels. That's what I'm saying. I like it up there.

There's, it's never enough for you in anything. Food, drugs, burnies, food, food, food, food, food. Food, drugs, burnies. This guy's an over, this guy's an over in Doldger if you catch right here. I don't know what it is. Yeah. I got to get real close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it right there on the edge. Rise from the ashes. Playing chicken with a chicken sandwich. Now. What? Down to some business. Yeah.

This is a family episode. Family episode, folks. So as you know, when it's just me, the big man, and T-Bone, they're family apps and we answer your Patreon, your garbage questions as you ask on Patreon. It's the best way to do it. Sometimes we throw in a couple of IGs, maybe DM, maybe to Facebooks and stuff, but you know,

we're running through the Patreon queues and we got some haters. This one's, and since we're in the bathroom, right? We're in the bathroom. Yes, we are. Let's talk about it. This is from Chris. What is the current status of your shower curtain? I fucking hate it.

That's the current status of my shower curtain. Mine is no, no bueno right now. The lady likes to, you know, she does everything really nice. She knows all the cool stuff. The broads know what they're doing. They do. However, sometimes we get in a situation at the Foley household where it's fashion over function.

We want it, she wants it to look nice. So as you know, growing up, the inside shower curtain was always hardcore plastic on the inside. Of course. It's got to be waterproof. Right. The trend now is to get like cloth ones that are nice. Oh, my mom has that.

The hotels have them. Take a hike with that. Yeah. It's all over the floor. I get out. I'm fucking slipping and sliding. Yeah. I was no good for the big guy.

I mean, when I'm in there, it's like you're washing an elephant. Oh, really? I've requested. More as a meerkat kind of guy. I've requested. I've requested the bar that goes out a little bit, but that got vetoed quickly. Two guys in safari hats scraping your hooves.

A dentist tries to shoot you. I'm chewing on a palm tree. Yeah. This goes back to fact court. You can't be altering the structure of your house to fit you. I want the slider. One you can't see through, the old school. Glass, the pod glass.

Yeah. My dad, one of the houses my dad rented after the divorce. Those things get shitty real quick. After like three showers, that thing's like. But right now, we got the cloth one, like a white cloth one, and then like the clear plastic, not like the old school, but like a plastic liner. Yes.

Because you got to have the waterproof on the inside. You got to. We got that. And my lady's been visiting family for the past handful of weeks. And that thing, I haven't taken a run past. That thing is dirty. Oh. It's got black mold, green mold, brown, whatever you want.

It's like. Here's the good news. It's not great. Here's the good news. Get rid of that. Two seconds. Not cleaning it. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cleaning it. Fucking rip that down. That's a sandwich bag to me. What are you talking about? That's what I'm saying. Those are condoms as far as. There were shower condoms.

That thing's getting thrown out. And I'll tell you what. We were such. I got to do it. We were such garbage when we were kids that I remember like every single time that my mom got a new shower curtain. Oh, boy. Like it was great.

Oh, oh, it was a thing. Yeah. Like one had like fishes on it. And like he always felt. Fishes. Fish. Fish. It always felt so fresh and clean in there.

The smell of the new plastic. Oh, man. I don't know. Shut me up. Don't you love that? That smell of. Shooting some blanks all over that thing. Woo!

The smell of new plastic. Shooting jellyfish on that, man, boy. Hmm. Love that. It's like a new car smell. Do you guys have like a real New York setup for your tub? I got a sideways shower. It's no good.

I got a mom sideways now. Buddy, that shit's. I'm sideways. That's like something in a corner's office. That is such. Just got the chain that you pulled. I've seen those sideways showers. For folks that don't live in the city,

what it is, it's literally in the middle of the tub on the wall and the tub's going the other way. Yeah. Take a hike with that. I got one of those now. That comes with roaches. I got one of those now. Um, but the good thing is my shower head.

So the shower head's in the middle, which is nice. And it's a bit, it's like a, it's like a fucking, it's like a sewer cap. It's a big mammajama. Okay. So the whole middle of the thing is water. Ooh. And straight down.

Not, you don't have to. You have a rainfall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, very nice. So you don't have to fucking, it's not coming in on an angle. So you got to like, you know, you don't have to move your body ever.

You're just fucking in it. You're wet. You're wet. I like a rainfall, but I need some power. This thing's, this thing cooks. It does it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got, I got a serious.

Mike cooks. Yeah. I got a serious business in this apartment. Yeah. This might be the best one I've ever had in New York. Love it. Yeah. Love the nice, hot, necessarily now fall this time of year.

You open the window, you get the cool breeze coming in, the hot shower. Mm-hmm. Ooh, you feel like you're in Sweden or something. Iceland. You're in, it feels like you're in a hot tub. Iceland. Iceland.

Iceland. Yeah, Iceland. Iceland. Iceland. Yeah. Cause, cause my, one of my car. As we're going to Waterland. My, my garbage.

One of my garbage dreams is I want to be in a hot tub while it's snowing. I've, I've done that recently. You've done that? Yeah. When I went to, for my anniversary. When we, when I got stuck in the snowstorm, remember the, the infamous.

Oh, woodlock, woodlock farms or whatever it's called. Or a pepperage farm. Yeah. Yeah. Outdoor. Lockwood. The spa's at Lockwood. Woodlock.

Yeah, woodlock. Sounds like a prison. Okay. State, not federal. Work release. Uh, yeah, it was fantastic. But that just brought back a memory of buying, uh, obviously before this podcast,

we were a couple of real poor bezos. I mean like. You wouldn't even recognize this. A couple of loose heirs. Real. Hand up on money and for a long time. We were cash poor. For a long time I had an Airbnb,

I had an Airbnb, my apartment. I remember you were like locking up your silverware in your closet. Somebody got in too. Yeah. I think a couple of these two broads from Kentucky came up, smoked a bunch of meth I think. Uh-huh.

And broke into, broke into my closets. Sounds like a nice little weekend. Pour everything apart. So let's, all right, let me back up a second. I used to have to Airbnb. My, before my wife moved here, we had an apartment and she would, was traveling back and forth for like months at a time.

And when she was gone to cover rent, I would have to Airbnb my apartment because you can make like 400 bucks on the weekend for it. And turn a trick or two. Wear my boys, my little booty shorts. No kissing. So. No kissing, kippy.

I would have to Airbnb my apartment. And. Probably a good time. I know. I had to, it was, it was my shower curtain was so filthy, like filthy, filthy, filthy. Okay. And I had these people coming.

Like that, they were coming in like three hours or something. So I'm like frantically trying to clean the apartment. So it's the people not coming, it's a fucking mess. And my shower curtain was just like, fucking, because I was living on my own for like four months at that. It's just not good. Bachelors, like bachelors.

You don't even know what it is. I don't know what it is. It should be waterproof. It's like crudders. Strange. That's where you would, that's where, that's where a new civilization would form. So.

I remember I'm sitting there and I'm like, I didn't have, they're like, what, seven bucks at like one of those corner, like, you know, discount dollars. Three seconds she got one. I didn't have the money. Jesus. I didn't have the money. So I, I was sat there and started scrubbing the fucking.

Put a sleeping bag over it. I'm in the shower. It's not on, but I'm in the shower like wearing like jeans and shit, like scrubbing the inside to get the fucking. Should have just got rid of it because I've done that. And then I wouldn't have one. Then you just put the other one on the inside. I only, I was only rocking one.

Just one plastic. I was Airbnb in my apartment. I didn't have. You were only rocking one. You only had the liner. I didn't, yeah. Jesus Christ. I didn't have dual fucking curtain money.

It's like sleeping with no sheets. Which is nice sometimes. Kip, let's talk about butcher box. Butcher box? Yup. Got back from San Anton. Yeah. All right.

What was waiting for me there? A huge box of meat. Enormous box of delicious, grass fed, unbelievable meat, ground beef, steak tips, steaks, a whole chicken. Organic, free range chickies. Crazy. Yeah. Chops, the whole nine yards.

It's all in our freezer. We take it out in the morning when we want to have it for dinner. It's unbelievable. You got to get on butcher box. I'm telling you. Yeah, guys. For a limited time, butcher box is giving new members. Write this down.

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And an anxious ground beef, it's the good stuff because it has that real, real red color to it. It's great. The deal is it's a no-brainer. Once you signed up, you choose your box and delivery frequency. They offer five boxes, four curated box options, as well as the custom one. You get exactly what you want.

Your whole family is going to love it. Ships, butcher box, ship your order. Frozen at peak freshness impact at 100%. Recyclable box, shipping is always free. You enjoy great tasting, high quality meat delivered right through your door. Yeah. Fantastic.

This is your choice. This is your chance to never have to shop for ground beef again. Butcher box is giving new members free ground beef for life. Free ground beef for life. Sign up at butcherbox.com slash ag and get two pounds of ground beef in every order for the life of your membership. Log on to butcherbox.com slash ag to claim this deal. How about our good friends over there at stamps.com?

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You're a small business. Okay. Get on stamps.com. Kippy, straighten these bozos out. Yeah. Stamps.com brings the service of the U.S. Postal Service and UPS shipping right through your computer. You just need a computer, a printer, the internet.

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inside the package you'll find the lawnmower 4.0 trimmer, which Bully just ran down for you. Fantastic. Prattie. Oh, I forgot. Yeah. You get the weed wacker, ear, nose, and hair trimmer, crop preserver baldeodorant, crop reviver toner

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at Mansstop.com. Make your balls a priority to this fall. Choose Manscaped. Your balls will thank you. Now back to the show. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Those were dark times. Yes, they were. Then those two broads. So I would lock up. I had my closet in my room. I would lock up. Closin' in the living room I would lock up. And it was more of like, you could open the,

you could fucking rip it open if you wanted to. But it's like, if you do that. It's a seal. Yeah, you're just, it's a seal going. Like I clearly broke into your thing. Yeah. So they got in somehow. They took the tools that were under like the sinker.

So I had like a drill and they drilled off the fucking locks of the wall. Great. Very smart. Very smart. Got in there. Got a respect. And just like tore through all my fucking shit.

Like everything. And then I forgot they were fucking with all the electricity or metal stuff. And someone's like, that's meth. Like they were like digging through looking for something. I was like, oh, okay. I was a sleepless night when I got home. Just fucking laying in bed just picturing these two fucking.

Little meth demons creeping around. Yeah. These two meth tugboats running around the fucking house. Picture them like crabs walking sideways. That's my first time in New York. Last time in my apartment. Tugs, keep it moving. Yeah, I don't like that at all.

But I respect the move. Hey, that's why I open up. That's what I, you know, I'm opening up my apartment to fucking meth heads from Kentucky. That's what happens. They were going to like the Lady Gaga concert or something. That's what they told me. That was the ruse.

And all checks out. I always had a fear too. People would be shooting porn in there. So anytime I'm looking, anytime I'm perusing the hub, I was looking for my apartment. Ryan family photo in the background. You making a stupid face. It's me on stage.

So to answer your question, we keep it pretty tight over there. When, when my wife's running the show, it's tight. The fact that she's been gone, visiting fam. It's fucking. Any alteration to that situation. It's, it's, you can't leave me in my own device. I'm caring. There's just boxes.

If you only have one, it's got to be on the inside. If you have two, do it the smart way. Plastic. Stop trying to look cool. Yeah. It's ain't West Elm Street or whatever it is. Oh, you pretty career. West Elm Street.

Um, all right. This one, I did last night. This is from Blaine. Do you pee in parking lots? Oh yeah. Did it last night? Love it. It's a freeing feeling.

Peeing outside is the best. Peeing in the grass. I do it all the time. I'm at my parents house and I had to take the dog out to the little dog run where she goes pee pee and poopy. Dog run is a, is a loose term too. You know what it is. You've seen that where the filter is in the pool.

That is a piss corner. Yeah. That's not, I mean, that's not a dog run. She usually poops on it. There's no grass there. It's like broken seashells. It's old metal cans. Yeah.

That's not a dog run. It has like a house and of, and you know something. That ain't a dog run. We should get her a little doggy house back there, but then she wouldn't be inside and we need our snuggles. Um, but when I take her back there, I'll go. We almost descended into Foleyville real quick. We, uh, I always pee while she pees.

Feels great. Love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Feels really good.

Parking lots. After a ball game, you got a bunch of beers in you. Even last night we were in this, we were in a, we went to the show. We're in the suburb, Connecticut, suburban Connecticut. Quiet. Not a building in sight. Walk over to the fucking grass.

Being by the moonlight. Pssss. Stakes you back to child. Oh. We used to pee everywhere. Love it. Just whip it out and pee. It's nice.

Um, I can't, I can't hold my, I can't hold my pee anymore. That's one thing. I guess getting older. I can't really, like when I got a pee, I got a fucking pee. You got to go.

Yeah. And when I pee, it is the greatest feeling of all time. It's awesome. Peeing in your 40s is, it's like two weeks vacation. It's fantastic. It's currently doing a bit folks.

Ha ha ha. Theoretically. Ha ha ha. Didn't work on stage. So you polished it up for the five. It's becoming a bit, but I'm, it's a genuine sentiment. Which I feel entitled that I can discuss here.

Sure. In this arena. Of course. I'll give you some notes afterwards. I used to work part-time as a waiter. Waitress. Waitress. Ha ha ha.

Don't even know your own bits. That's how out to lunch you are. Big dust of metal. Um, this one, um, this is from Kemper. I've, this is, you know, have you ever been pulled over more than once, more than once in one night?

That's a bad one. Jesus. You're in a, you're, you're in a bad way with some bad people, if that's happening. That means that you have something on your car that isn't legal. Tense.

You got to light out. Tail light out. Yeah. Light out. Tail light out. Bad turn signal. Yeah. Bad turn signal.

That's, yeah, but, or yeah, that ain't no, or, or you're in a small town and the guy's, Johnny Law's got it out for you. True. But, you know, you might've diddle his girlfriend before they, they linked up or something. Some high school beef.

Yeah. Kind of like. I'm a sheriff now. Yeah. And these tents are too dark. Real Rambo stuff. Get out of my town. Exactly.

Keep an eye on that guy. That guy's a loose cannon. Ha ha ha ha. Um, now. Yeah. Garbage. This one I had, I had a, I had a run in with today where I had a moral, um,

this is from Clark. Stealing from the checkout or nah? No. What are you stealing from the checkout? I don't steal it like the self checkout. Nah. I'm not, I, I'm not giving them the satisfaction of some bozo.

Stealing. Getting ya. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. And I don't like the security guard in the front too that checks your receipt. What a, I don't understand that.

What are you gonna go throw in my bags? Yeah. Kick rocks. I get the, hey, see, you know, it's an honest day's work. I get it. Sure. Have that guy pushing a broom or something. I think it's like Home Depot, they look at it

and like hit it with a highlighter. It's like that's, you know, you don't know what you're doing. Yeah. Um, but today in my supermarket, uh, they installed these that pan like two months ago. What? The self checkout. They got rid of three checkouts

and put in three self checkouts. Three jobs going on. So I'm like, uh, I don't like them. I don't know. They're not great. Typically, if you're walking to like a proper Walmart target or whatever, I don't mind hitting them. Minin' out, real fuckin'.

These aren't. Sometimes they're stupid. These like don't know the products are in because it's like, it's a mom and pop supermarket. Put it in the bag. It is in the bag. It's not, hey, please. You gotta wait for help.

And this and that. Unidentified object in the bagging area. Kick rocks. And that guy, the person that patrols that. Yeah. They're always the worst. Yeah. Because they didn't want to do the regular checkout.

Uh-huh. They took the self checkout spot on the shift. Sure. So they didn't have to fuckin' deal with anybody. Yeah. I don't know if they're picking up. Now they're coming over to car and they walk away. So today, I've been avoiding them because like everybody,

when you're waiting in line, everybody, so there's like, you can go to like the regular cashiers. It's like the same line. And when you get up there, it's like, you can go and no one uses them because they're not great. Like bananas aren't in there. You know, like not everything's fuckin' in there. That's good.

You know your codes. You can put your codes in. 4011. 4088. Hit me with something. I know the code. Broccoli. 4088.

Check that. Shampoo. Shampoo. There's no code to shampoo. Why not? It's Proto Shiba. That's just kiwi. 4080.

Parsnip. Oh, that's not that one. Cilantro. Red beets. Cilantro. Those are all scans, typically. On the tie, they have the bark. Oranges.

Broccoli crowns. 3080, though. Oranges. The big, sun-kissed oranges, I believe, are 48... 4088. Granny Smith apples. Bread delicious. Honeycrisp.

Mountain Dew. 466. Canelo. Yeah, I know though. I'm pretty good. I got curveball. Eggplant. Nobody's buying that.

No one's buying it. Rusty potatoes. Dude, to get that? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's buying what, eggplant? Not that regularly. Not like fucking bananas. I think I have more eggplant a year than I do have bananas.

Love an eggplant poem. Yeah, but you're not buying it and making it. You're not making eggplant poem at the house. The lady does. Not as much as you're eating it. What was the last meal you cooked? That I, like, I personally cooked. I think I took some different leftover Chinese and made a little...

That's not cooking. Made a little mix. That's being hungry at 3 AM. That's not cooking. It's a good time, though. Take all your Chinese leftovers, put them in the one saute pan with a little bit of water, give it a couple of flips. Look out.

Fucking General Chow's low-main fried rice. Fantastic. I love fully. I love fully. It all works. I don't know why. Yeah. If you do it right, it works.

But I'm checking out today and it's all... The guy goes, here, use this one. I go, now I'm going to wait. And I was like, next time, I said, just use it. And I'm like, all right, I'll fucking, I'll use it. Go and self-check out. It's going. It's chasing you around the store.

This thing's gone rogue. It's not reading the one thing I'm buying, the eggs or whatever the fuck. It was just like, this thing's not in. This product's not identified. So I'm like, ah, come over. And he's like, I'll try it again. I'm like, I just can't... It's not going to now know it.

Scan it again now. So he's got to redo the code. So I'm like, so now he's got to enter the fucking, you know, $2.99 or whatever the fuck it is. And I was just, I was so mad. And then I was going to, I wanted to steal, because then it's an honor system on how many bags you need. Because you got to pay for the bags in New York now.

Yeah. I was going to steal the bag. I'd be okay with that. Just out of spite. But I love those. You're making me do it. You make me do it and then the fucking thing doesn't work. But I love those bags.

I have, I throw them out because we have so many of them. Yeah. I don't think that's solving the plastic bag problem. Because now you just have a nicer bag that you're going to use once and throw away. Yeah, but it's not plastic. That's the idea. It is plastic.

Isn't that plastic on the outside? What is that shiny part on the outside? Oh, you're, like, you're talking about, like, those proper, mine has, like, more. It's like paper. Like cloth. Ah, yeah, those are pretty sweet. Yeah.

I thought that was plastic, too. You're a buzzer. So what'd you do? Did you steal it? I did it, but I wanted to. And I don't like stealing. As the listener knows, I'm an honest man. Toby, get me down the barrel.

I'm an honest man. I don't steal. I never really stole anything a whole bunch. I say don't give them the satisfaction on that. I'm just, yeah, I just, yes. But it was frustrating to say the least. Let me ask you this. Hey, buddy.

Pretty garbage. Ask me something. If you've done it in the last 10 years, it's trashy. Have you ever picked up a magazine at the checkout in the grocery store? Of late. No. Or a magazine in general.

No. Flying years ago, I think I would be like, I'll grab one just to, like, a maximum? You dirtbag. You're sitting on a plane reading a maximum. You're, that's, there's families there. Little kids running around. They show boobs on the screens.

Do they? And the European flights, yeah. They get real kinky. They show those in orange juice commercials over there. Now things are getting good. Yeah, those euros play fast and loose. They won't give a shit. What did I watch on the way home?

I can't remember. Ooh, Goonies. Watched Goonies on the way home from. I know. It was right next to you. Yeah. I was a half a seat away from you. And that's a fat joke, folks.

Boom. Yeah. All right. This one. This one I've been wanting to bring up because there's been some new developments. This is from sideshowbub. Great name.

And obviously it says, do you buy any clothing at Walmart? You're a big George guy. Uh, George. George's Walmart. I was thinking, isn't George Kmart? No, George's Walmart. I have. Barry is Kmart.

I have a. The Barry collection. I have rotated out of the George collection. Why? Because. Dude, it doesn't fit. Doesn't fit. George only goes up to three.

Man of my stature. I require a four, maybe a five. It's not stature, girth, I would say. A man of your girth. A man of my. Perpetuity. Obesity. Obesity.

You will be paid in obesity. George is no good. George is no good. Quality wise though. Love it. It's so funny. I'll come back there. This is what I wanted to do.

I wanted to bring up. I was hanging out. I'm trying to find good tees. I was always just a big H&M guy because I never really had money in their six bucks and it was whatever. I don't like spending money on clothes. But, you know, they were wearing the shit out of them.

We're traveling a bunch. So, I wanted to find new tees. So, I online bought them. They were good for like two washes. And I'm like, they were like fresh teas or whatever. You know what I mean? The manly tea or whatever. Bought them.

Whatever. Not good. I saw my buddy. I go, what tea is that? I go, he goes, I go, because I'm in the market for some new teas. I'm looking for a new tea. And he goes, a cool dude.

Real cool dude. Really? Real cool dude. Yeah, George? No. One of my coolest buddies. I go, what kind of tea is that? He goes, you'll never guess.

He goes, I go, where do you get it? He goes, take a guess. He goes, I've tried them from all over. All over. I tried hundreds of brands. George Collection at Walmart. He goes, they're adorable. They fit well.

They don't shrink or they shrink to the right. And then they stop. They don't keep going. Some of the H&M ones, they go through the wash once and then it's a belly shirt. You're like, what? I didn't put on 19 pounds. Mark it here, folks.

I told you a year ago. You did? Shout out to the George Collection. You were ahead of the George. I'll give you that. And also. Whole dudes are wearing George now. I'll give you another little insight tip.

What's that? You can call your broker and tell him to make a move. Target has a brand called Goodfellows or Good Friends. Or? Goodfellows. Yes. It used to be Mossimo, I believe. Really?

Yeah. Our friend, Brendan Sagalow, was wearing that. And I talked to him. I go, what kind of tea is that? He goes, Goodfellow. Yes. They make all of my cargo joggers. And orthopedic socks.

And orthopedic socks. Yeah. But the cargo joggers that I wear are only a double X. So for you big boys out there. They run a bit big. I like them tight. If you're in a double X. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're huge. So you can, they're nice and they're comfy. They manufactured Pluto. What the fuck? You a double X. Double X. Yeah.

Double X, baby. But I wear them skinny. I wear them tight. Sure. I like to show off the merchandise. And the P spots. I got a couple. That's what's tough when you go alfresco.

When I don't wear. You look camo in the crotch. I got to be honest with you. When I don't wear. You look like a big desert stored camo. When I don't wear undies. The dribble goes right through it. See when you have undies on.

Yeah, wear undies. You're not wearing undies. Man. Fat court, folks. Fat court. Yeah. I am what I am. So George collection.

Shout out to George. I'm going to give it a whirl. And I don't want this to be I'm stealing your style or anything. But as far as like socks, underwear, sweatpants, a huge fluorescent t-shirt, get all that shit to fuck a Walmart. Why wouldn't you shotgun cooler bicycle?

Yeah, I just don't find myself at Walmart. They stopped the shotguns, didn't they? I don't know. Certain parts of the country. Maybe, maybe not. I remember these have bow and arrows in there. I thought that was the coolest thing. I got my wrist rocket at Kmart.

Really? Man, yeah, the marksman. Those things were downright dangerous. You could have killed somebody. Yeah, killed. I did kill people. Really? Yeah, had a common.

Look at you, American sniper. The Kevin Ryan story. The eight year old story. Popped out of the treehouse. Had the wrist rockets. Had a glow gun that I got the Pennsylvania State Fair. Jesus. Low dart gun.

With the actual like sharp needle. What the fuck? I was an outdoorsman. Oh, are you chasing archaeologists in the jungle? What the fuck is that? The kid got it. If you know, you know. Yeah.

Too bad you don't speak. Haveethos. Um, yeah. Had the blow gun, blow dart gun, paintball gun, wrist rocket. I was a real Dennis the menace type guy.

Yeah, what are you fucking? Nelson months over here? Jesus Christ. Who's that? Oh man, this kid. Check this guy's fucking passport. Yeah, we gotta take this kid to pop culture school. Nelson months with the Simpsons.

The bully. I didn't know his last name. Sorry. It's okay. Thank you for still calling on Nelson. He's killing the vibes. Yeah. And the bully thing.

Yeah, I would have Nelson. I would have Nelson months. I thought he was like an actor. I thought he was like a character actor. Wasn't he in Grey's Anatomy? Yeah, I'm like that guy for me are. What are we talking about here? That's, I mean, on paper,

you were kind of a piece of shit of a kid. What? I'm saying on paper. On paper. I didn't fucking come here to have my childhood besmirched. Just because let me go. Can I go? I'm the CEO of this pocket.

I'm an international business, man. I'm on the board of multiple companies. Listen, I said, I said it with all due respect. I say it with all due respect. It's in the Geneva convention. On paper. How's I a piece? What's a piece of shit?

I'm going to go over it with you. I'm going to go over it with you. You ready? That was the most offensive thing you've ever said. I said on paper. I did not say on paper. You're a lovely guy. We've been personally attacking everybody,

each other for 10 years every day. Fat, ugly, bald, small, pee-pee the whole night. That hurt me. Really? Yeah. Good to know. Let me play rough around here. All right, guns out.

Let me get my blow dark. You ever get an argument with somebody that isn't a complete psycho? And it's like, you know, you crossed that line. It's like, I get an argument with somebody. Go for the jugular. Yeah, I don't mean anything that I say, but I'm trying to hurt you. I thought that's what we,

I thought that's what the damn two were moving to. Yeah. I thought it was say the most, the meanest thing I could possibly think of. Like thinking it's going to get a lot, I do that like. No, no, I'm talking about real arguments. Like, you know, when you're yelling at like your family.

You don't want to hurt them? No, I want to hurt them. Okay, I thought you just said you don't want to hurt them. I apologize. No, no, I don't mean what I say, but I, you say it. Oh yeah, you're going, you're going for the, you're going for the win. You're going for the W.

The win, that's a good win. Yeah. Going for the win. Yeah. So back to what I was saying on paper as a child. I don't like this. Divorce parents, latchkey kids. Just for my parents, that divorce doesn't mean

I'm a piece of shit. Just let me- You stay together and you stink, all right? There is some evidence there. I mean, what are we talking about here? Hold on. Hold on. Stay together for the kids.

Ain't always good. You hear that, Patty? Go-kart. I was a, my brother had a go-kart. Minibike. I had a minibike. BB gun. Yeah.

Blow dart. Sure. Wrist rocket. Sure. Paintball gun. It's not like I got them all in like a fucking cash. Dogs that would go missing. It's not like I picked up a fucking-

John Wick. Yeah. Like what, I didn't have them all under the bed. I'm just saying, man, that is, those are the things you- If there was a Jeopardy question, what are things you would find in a bully's garage? Those items would come up. That's crazy.

Also, cigarettes at five. Smoking cigarettes at five. Not five. Five and a half. Smoking cigarettes with a wrist rocket in your hand? You're up to no good. You're lucky you became a CEO. It's like you turned your life around.

What's that say about you? If you had it so good, you're my employee. What's that say about you? I was babied. Oh, is that what it was? Yeah, I was babied. Yeah. I was babied too.

I got all that cool shit. You're just jealous you didn't have the- Bless, okay. You were babied by the Hell's Angels, though. I was the youngest prospect in club history. I knew how to pack coke. It was a patch over. I knew how to pack a brick of coke by sixth grade.

Me and the cookers were down in South Philly. I was at the community pool. You were mulling it down to Florida. You wouldn't want all that shit as a kid. I think this- 100%. Hold on. This goes to-

100%. Stop, stop. This goes to your thing all the time. You're jealous of all the shit. So you paint it in a dark. You paint it in a bad way. You wouldn't want- Let's run it.

You wouldn't want to go cart as a kid? I would love to go cart as a kid. Would you like a minibike as a kid? Yes. Would you like a BB gun? Yes. Would you like a wrist rocket? I think you start to cross the line of-

As a what? Dennis the Menace. Cool kid. Dennis the Menace had a fucking- Slingshot. Yeah, but made out of wood. These are your- Fucking Halliburton makes those wrist rockets.

Oh, you're not. They strap to your arm. You put a marble in there. What do you mean? Marble? What do you- You weren't flicking corn pops at people. Pebbles.

You're shooting at trees and stuff. Yeah, that could kill somebody. What? Right? You're crazy to say that that can't hurt somebody. Kill somebody and hurt somebody are a different thing. You talking about one of those lungs? I was a seven-year-old.

It's not like I was fucking Joe Rogan out here with a stabilized bow. What are you talking about? I was a seven-year-old that barely had any upper body strength. I was a fat kid shooting M&Ms at the tree. Shooting M&Ms in your own back. You were fucking running and picking them up. You would love all that stuff.

Okay, let me put it to you this way. Yes, I would. And I agree with you- Sorry I had parents that love me and had a disposable income. Kind of make our own- Didn't spend all the money on fucking marble lights. Okay. I had to make my own wrist rocket with a hair tie

and a fucking- and a broken fork. No, and I agree with you 100%. So this goes into like- This goes into my argument with you of like, do you above ground pools better than an in-ground pool? It's like, that's just you making this up. Yes, I do do that as deflection, but I'll be honest with you. Sure.

In this case, I don't- Yeah, dude, if I had the red rider BB gun on my back and I was like, you know, skateboarding and like setting things on fire down the street. Sure, call me a fucking piece of shit. But I was a nice wholesome kid in the woods. Just said- Built a tree house.

Now, don't act like you were out there with the fucking Cub Scouts. Come on. I was, I was in the Cub Scouts. You were stealing lumber to make fucking half pipes with your fucking dirtbag buddies who may or may not have been sniffing gas. Glue.

And I'm aware that I do do that. I'm saying that. Sure. But I want to say this, that whenever I had Chinese stars- I never had Chinese stars. Pussy. What are you kidding me? Yeah, say, oh, you're a bit-

I had like an American wholesome slingshot. You're playing with this fucking- this fucking- this international Chinese star bullshit. Mine was American. American mate. You're working for the enemy. Here's the thing.

I put those all in the same category whenever I had the Chinese stars in the fireworks or any of that kind of stuff. Fireworks. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. Can I say that? Sure. That's just because you're fucking mentally warped.

That's not my problem. The fucking father- father Steve got to you. Kids got a point. Felt like you're doing something wrong. Never had a Chinese star, huh? See, that goes- I could lump that in with all that crap.

No. That would have been in my- I was a- I had- I had like- It was like a Christmas story. You had the Red Rider BB gun. He was a good kid.

I see more buzz vibes out of you. No, not at all. Really? Yeah, no. I was a wholesome boy. Wholesome- With a wrist rocket? Yeah, it's a slingshot.

What- I mean, what do you think I'm like doing bank jobs and shit with it? It's a fucking sling. It was a lollipop. I was in the woods with like a fucking pebble. Okay, all right. All right. I just said on paper that sounds like the-

I think that's your internalization of it. If you were playing bully the video game, those are the things you would go around to collect. Yeah, get over here. I'll give you a wedgie, all right? Yeah, you're nuts. That's crazy to me. All right.

All right. Okay. Toby, weigh in on this. The anxiety for the illegal throwing stars is hilarious here. Like, I feel like I was doing something wrong with these illegal fireworks and throwing stars. It's way more dangerous than a slingshot. Really? Okay.

Way more dangerous. All right. So I'm the bad kid. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, when's the last time you saw a ninja with a fucking- with a slingshot? Exactly. What bad guy has a slingshot?

Proper criminals have your weapons. Chinese stars. You were a pyro. I did hit- I didn't hit the neighbor with the Chinese star once. Yeah. And I'm a piece of- she said piece of shit. He owed me money. Oh, man.

I'm kidding. My cousin found it and threw it into the woods because it was bad. Man, the Catholic guilt in your family is something else. Right with it. Layered. It's like a five-beam burrito. Got me good. There's a kid in the woods in Bluebell with a throwing star and fully prints on it somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably getting ready. You're going to get set up too. You better go find that throwing star. Got my DNA all over it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Because I used to jerk off on it. I thought that was a fun twist.

Nobody came with me. You got to go to confession. I did go to confession a couple weeks ago. He had no time for me. What'd you say? Hey, did you apologize for being rude to your best pal? I hadn't done that yet. You do it every day when you talk to him.

No, he had no time for me. I tried to get into some things. He, yeah, yeah, yeah. He gave me that. He said, go say a couple of Hail Marys and hit the bricks. Yeah. Probably into this trip club or something like that. Oh, God.

All right. Let's see. I got a couple of Moe here. This one's a home run. This is from Reed. Were you raised, sorry, were you raised by your grandparents, even though both your parents were alive and well? Man, that's a bad kid.

That's, that's, that ain't great. If that kid's got to be begun to slingshot fireworks and throwing stars, my kids ain't going over there to hang out. Okay. There you go. Does that make sense? Yes. That makes sense.

See, we're on the same page. We just came in at it from. Did you have any friends growing up where the grandparents with, with that, you know, where somebody was missing and there was a third, an extended family member playing one of the roles, which it's, it's not a trashy thing. It's a great thing that the other family member stepped up

and obviously circumstances, everything. It's a trashy thing. But it's not classy. That means somebody's on the Abu Ghats on a junk. Come on. Sure. Something's going on. They had him young.

They didn't know. Yeah. I mean, this happened, that happened, but it's still garbage. Sure. I'm not above it. Sure. Many friends that had that situation. Yeah.

I'll tell you what though, they were always the best grandparents. Sure. They were, they were, they, they were cooler and hipper than some regular parents. Because they were, they were with kids every. They were, they had to, they, they were with the youth. My grandfather sees kids every like seven years. They were always the fun ones that would like take you

to the movies. Sure. You know what I mean? Because they had, because, you know, a lot of times the grandparents are a lot easier on the grandkids than they were on the kids. Sure. You know, because now they're older, they want to have fun.

They want to do all the things that they didn't get to do with the kids. And that, that can really work to your advantage. You know, somebody's, somebody's Bob's in rehab for a couple of weeks. Yeah. There you go. And I'm the piece of shit kid taking advantage of these

poor people. Look at you. Always not. Plus they always cooked really well. Yeah. More 20, you know, 30 more years of experience and throwing down in the kitchen. No mom can cook, you know, in a vacuum.

No mom can cook as good as a grandma. Yeah. But then, then I disagree with this because we were just tall. Really? We talked about this. The older we were talking about our parents, the older these broads get.

Oh yeah. They start slipping. Yeah. There's, there's a, you should retire age. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should pass the recipe down, but the recipe's never as good as the way she made it.

But then the next year. This isn't making any sense because you say they shouldn't, there's no grandma that's as good. No mom is as good as a grandma. Yes. But at some point the grandma gets worse. I don't understand. Well, yes.

I'm saying, of course, when they're fucking 90 years old and they can't see the fucking measuring spoons. Yeah. Thinking the salt's fucking big and so does. All right. Fucking try to contradict me again. I'm not. I'm just trying to get in my head.

Oh man. What I'm also saying is too, when it comes to time where, you know, she's not, when the grandma's not making the casserole or the mashed potatoes. They usually pass it down to some bozo in the family. It's never. This sounds very personal. It's never as good.

This sounds very, very personal. What dish are you talking about? Yeah. This is something. Talking about my mom. I'm a shepherd's pie. I knew it. I knew there was too much emotion connected to this.

You ain't there yet, Trace. I'm telling you right now. You ain't there yet. Keep working on it. I know when you're talking here and there's something fucking still waters run deep. My Aunt Mary used to make a shepherd's pie that would blow your fucking air back.

Yeah. On a crisp autumn day, whip that out on a Saturday afternoon. We'd all come over. We'd all go over to have the shepherd's pie. Like four families would converge on one house. Shepherd's pie. I had an aunt that threw down banana pudding. And then everyone would ask the recipe.

She'd go, oh, just follow the box. It's on the box. It's not on the box. It's not on the box. I got an aunt whose oatmeal raisin cookies blow your. Shout out to Aunt Mindy. I know Kyle's listening. Shout out to Aunt Mindy.

These cookies. I'm not an oatmeal raisin guy. Come Christmas time, three, four, five, six, a minute time. Everybody. And she goes, oh. Oatmeal raisin's like ginger ale. Every once in a while, it's all right.

She goes, I had ginger ale yesterday. I know. I saw that diet. Didn't look too shabby. Oh, buddy. I've said it before. You get the cranberry around the holidays. Nice.

Scream and cold that ginger ale. Ties the season in. But she goes, just it's off the box. It's off the box. And at some point, all the other ends are like, this thing ain't off the fucking box. Something's up, Mindy. And you ain't telling us.

They're doubling up on something. Butter, sugar, something. Something's cooking. And they're not letting you in. My aunt, Mary Ellen, one time made stuffing. And she did it real thin. And it was so crispy and so fucking good. And I knew she did something to it,

but she would never tell anybody what she did to make it so good. Yeah. Oh, that's what I'm saying, man. Yeah, I know. You can't compete with that experience, with the experience of making it a million different Sundays in a row.

Yeah. I get yes, of course. I get that. And that's why sometimes when the grandparents raise the kids, it works out for everybody. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Except for the kids' mental health and the parents.

But I had a nice Saturday. And in Foleyville, that's all that matters when we get down to it. That you enjoyed yourself. To a degree. Yeah. There's aspects of that that I wouldn't argue with. They also knock out breakfast, too.

And the house stress, knocking out a little brekkie, doing sausage, nice. I feel like that's when they get loose with it. That's when they start cutting some corners. Like, I would much at this point, I would rather have, because now if we're looking generational, it's like, my mom is the grandmom. And then my sister and sister-in-laws would be the

I'm not eating at your sister's house. I'll tell you that right now. I'm going to the pizza. You are not invited to either one of them. I think you got an invite. No, you could. A couple years. She's not a fan.

Really? Really. Wow. She heard that you criticized her for being divorced. You called her kid a piece of shit kid. Did I? You're out. No, you're talking about the piece of your sister.

Both of them. Why would anybody want to be around you? Fun guy. Judging everybody. That's what you do. Still. What? Invite, notwithstanding.

If I'm using that right. I would much rather- I don't know. I would much rather go to the pieces for dinner than your sister's. No offense, because I know it's going to be a better meal. Although my sister-in-laws- See, this is what I'm saying.

You don't know what you're talking about. God damn it. This guy's all over the place. I need more research. He may- So this is what he does. He thinks about a dish and then makes a hard statement on it, then thinks about another dish.

Because, well, I'm not sure now. I don't know. I do like her mashed potato. My sister-in-law puts out a meatball that, man, second to none. Unbelievable. But I still stand by my statement. Okay.

Um, I think we can move on. Let's do one or two more. And then we go wrap her up. What is the piece of this? Have we talked about this? Uh... If you're doing- You're doing a contest.

The family's life is on the line. You get to present one dish to the firing squad. That's either going to save you or break you. What are you putting out of Denise to piece? Is it a cutlet? Cutlets. Everything was, uh, it's tough. I honestly haven't-

Oh, I know what it might be. What? Her bacon, egg, and cheese. I would say her breakfast. Really? Do they only- Yes. Is that good?

Because the only issue is, um, the past 10 years, when I've been going, like, you know, whatever, I've been up here for eight years. No one's around. She's out of practice. And I- when I go home, it's for- I'm not going home on, like, a Tuesday night and she's making dinner.

Like, when I'm going home, it's like, oh, we're going here for dinner, or I'm- I'm going home for parties and stuff. So I don't know her- the past eight years, I've been out of the loop on what's really cooking. And also- She might have, like, a chicken cacciatore or something

that's- everybody's raving about- Yeah, she does make- she does make a fucking killer string bean casserole. Oh. Killer, killer, killer. That's good. Any time of the year, as a main or a side, I don't give a shit.

Killer string bean casserole. You like your green bean casserole? Love it, dude. Yeah. Aunt Nisi's taco dip is real big. Aunt Nisi's taco dip is a showstopper. It ain't like Amy and Mindy's cookies, but it's all right.

That'll get you out of Eastern Europe. I'll tell you that. Throw that in a guard's face. So I'm saying, I haven't had my mom, like, I haven't had a proper dinner cooked by my- Like, she does Thanksgiving, crushes Thanksgiving for, like, 30 people every year. But, like, minus Thanksgiving,

I haven't had my mom's dinner in a long time. Because we go back for- I go back for Christmas, Easter, birthdays are typically in the summer. It's like a cookout, barbecue, like that kind of stuff. So it's never like- I haven't been home for, like, a fucking Sunday meal of her, like, this is what I'm making in probably 10 years.

Before that, I wasn't living enough. I live to get home on the weekends every once in a while, as you know, see my- see my pop. Patty dropped some fried green tomatoes a couple weeks ago. Mwah! Yeah. Delicious, also. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would go my- if I'm- I would put my mom's breakfast up with most- most people. And I remember I learned when I was, like, ate my buddy Matt, his mom. He, like, my mom made him a bacon egg and cheese, like, just an even real quickie on a couple, all two pieces of stroman. And he was, like, this thing.

He was, like, what the fuck is this thing? She can fry an egg. Yeah. After all, it goes away around a dozen eggs. My mom- my mom's would be her cutlets. Yeah. Just plain, simple, 4C, cutlet, thin. It's off the box.

It ain't off the box. You're doing something, Patty. We know it. I actually do know what her secret is, but I don't know if I could say it. Okay. It's Crisco. He's just Crisco.

You know what Crisco is? Yeah, he's- You know what Crisco is? He's have a fry dad. I know what fucking Crisco is. I'm from North Carolina, dawg. Crisco is- You dropped Crisco, like, you were talking

about Litecoin or something. Like, he was an NFT. Yeah, I know what fucking Crisco is. Oh, man. They ran commercials to the night. They spent millions of dollars on advertising. To make sure I know what Crisco is. Oh, man.

That's a- that's- that's- I'm sure that's frowned upon and cooking these days, but that stuff. I'm sure people know. Yeah. Man, nice tub of lard. Knock your socks off. All right, let's wrap her up.

Hang on real quick. Toby, you got me hungry now. What's your mom's dish? Dry martini. Gang, we love you. Kippy, you got anything for him? Guys, come out to it. We got a couple of live shows left for the end of the year.

We got a couple of live shows. Come out to the fucking live shows. We still got some decks of cards, some koozies left. We'll get those out. The link's everywhere, the whole fucking nine yards. Join patreon.com. Thank you for the fucking support. You guys are the fucking shit.

You've made this little pod that could. A fucking bigger pod that could. We love you. Thank you fucking so much for fucking, you know, the army of garbage, baby. We love you. I want to say Philly, come out strong. October 27th, Helium Comedy Club and New York City.

New York fucking city. Come out Gotham Comedy Club. That's both going to sell the fuck out. November 9th? November 9th. If you don't get your fucking tickets, you're fucking dumpskies. Yeah, let's go.

It's going to sell the fuck out. Both of those shows sold out. Come see us. We love you. Bye.