Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - David Cross!

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by the hilarious David Cross! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Manscaped: https://www.manscaped.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

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We're gonna blow the roof off the place. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's a little show. We sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that it's going to be classy

or if they're just a mega old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antoni's basement. She's upstairs, just got a fresh bag. She'll be out for a couple hours, but the do not disturb sign on her bedroom door. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. She is an international businessman.

He's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Yeah, thank you, Foley. What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe and iTunes full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof.

And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. So, Are You Garbage, check it out, gang. Big party over there. Love that money. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire. The magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones and twos, crosses the T's and dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScroffins.

It's Toby McMullin, everybody. Come on. Hey, what's up, dudes? What's up, T-Bone? Dude, this is a thing. We got a legend of the mix. Yeah, this was a very cool one. Very cool.

Pants are busted. Gang, the long hair is not lying. We could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a legendary stand-up comedian, actor, writer, director and producer. You might have seen him in, but not limited to. Here we go. Sit tight because the list is long and distinguished.

We got the Ben Stiller show. We got the Cable Guy waiting for Guffman, the Drew Carey show. Men in Black, one and two. No big deal. Tenacious D, news radio. Small Soldiers. Strangers with Candy. Ghost World.

Dr. Doolittle 2. Pooty Tang. Scary Movie 2. We got King of the Hill. We got Just Shoot Me. We got Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Oh my God. We got School for Scoundrels.

We have Family Guy. We have I'm Not There. That's enough. Alvin and the Chipmunks franchise. No, it's not, baby. We're going all the way. We're still in the 90s, I think. Jesus Christ.

We got Kung Fu Panda one, two and three. We got Tim and Eric. We have Mega Mind. Modern Family. Rick and Morty. Obvious Child. Community. Marin.

Kimmy Schmidt. Archer. Big Mouth. Station 11. Gordon. Kimmel. WTF with Mark Marin. We got Conan.

Fallon. Bill Maher. Tough crowd. Letterman. He's seen it all and done it all. But here's the turkey right here. Creator. Star.

The increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret. Creator. Star. Animated series on Comedy Central Freak Show. We got Mr. Show with Bob and David, of course. 84 episodes of Arrested Development. He has multiple stand-up specials and album, including 2022 special I'm From the Future.

And he has a brand new spring tour starting this spring. Gang, give it up for the one. The only. Mr. David Cross. Now, okay. Come on. No Amelia Earhart story. I was reporter number three.

Reporter number three. There was a criminal intent in there, too. Yes, yes, there was. I know I'm Dick Wolf, Sue and me. Buddy, thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us. Well, thanks for reminding me of all the work I've done. You've been killing it. Jesus.

I got to check my residuals. Got to check the mailbox, man. That thing might be full. Stop by the SAG office on my way. Buddy, what is the backstory of David Cross? Give us the full scoop. Where are you from? Well, I mean, it started going.

Originally, it started in a Petri dish. It's taking a way back. You know, we're still waiting to see if it was a successor. What the hypothesis was. No, I was born in Atlanta a long, long time ago. And then moved around a whole bunch almost yearly, even sometimes less than a year, always in a new place. Until I was nine and then moved back to Georgia.

And then was there until I was 19. Moved to Boston for nine years. Then moved to LA for nine years. And then moved to New York. And been here since. Here we are. What did your mom and dad do that you moved around so much? Well, my mom was a homemaker, you know,

and my dad just got fired a lot. Constantly getting fired. It wasn't promotion. He was one of those kind of pathological liar, exaggerator guys who was very much, you know, you can't fire me, I quit. Yeah, that was my favorite kind of guy actually. And it's like, well, you can't come back here to quit.

We fired you five days ago. What do you, you know, so yeah, he was just a whole string of crazy jobs. And then he left us. And then he left us shortly after we moved to Georgia. That's when you got back to where you were until you were 19. Yeah. Gotcha.

Okay. All right. And what's your mom? Did your mom start working after that? Yeah. I mean, she had no, she was a school teacher when they met. And he was in, he's from England. But then he joined the army.

And I don't know why he, they were in Ann Arbor together for some reason. She was teaching. I know what she was teaching. And I don't know what he was, you know, you wouldn't be on leave and go to Ann Arbor right now. But for sunny beaches of Ann Arbor, folks. Really tear it up in Michigan.

And R&R. And then, and she eventually, she had no real skills outside of teaching. And we were in kind of rural suburban Georgia and zero money, like in debt, heavily in debt. And it took her a while to get credit. You know, I think she got, I think the way it went was she got a gasoline card,

like a shell, gasoline card. And then was able to pay that off and then got a Sears card, I want to say. And then paid that off. And so it was a long, you know, over, well over a year of just trying to get credit. Start with a gas card. Yeah, I think that was it.

You know, that's all. We had really little, I mean, no money. And then she got a job. What was her, oh, her first job was, which actually is, was, I'll tell you, all right. So her first job was at a little tiny little place where they were like trailers. There were three trailers in this like industrial park.

Like literally like mobile home type trailers that sold copier supplies, like toner and ink and like cold calling, that kind of thing. And their motto was the inspiration for a Mr. Show, kind of an iconic Mr. Show thing. Because Bob used to love listening to my stories. Like he couldn't, they were crazy. That's where Roddy Dobbs came from.

And that's where, so pitpats, take it from me, I love you. They're, I can't remember the name of the company. And when I say company, it was like, you know, six women. Yeah, for sure. What year are we talking about, is this? Maybe 75. I would have been like 11 when he took off, I think. Because that's old school, 70s printers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, they store the ink. Yeah. Well, they were all like, you know, the cartons. Yeah, they were huge. Huge, yeah, exactly. And then, so their logo was, you know, we love you. Or something.

And it was like so, and it was like balloons. And a little cupid that said, we love you or something. So strange. That was so weird for. A printing company. It's not even a printing company. They're just selling toner and ink and whatever. And it's like, well, how is this going to work?

Nobody gives a shit. And then, so that was one of the stories I told Bob. Because he would pepper me with questions. And then that became pitpats. Global Kim's thing was, take it from me. I love you. Yeah, that's funny, man. What did you guys live in when you got settled there?

Was it an apartment? Apartment, a house. No, never a house. We were in a series of apartment complexes. And like, you know, you see all over America, they were these just shitty, you know, put together quickly, cheap materials, but they all had grandiose names for things that weren't anywhere remotely, you know, Grand Creek or Sandalwood.

And Sandalwood Manor. Yeah, it was all just like garbage. It's on the turnpike. And then Noble Creek was another one. We probably wasn't a body of water. No nobility. There's no nobility to be found. And yeah, we were just in a bunch of apartments.

And how many brothers and sisters? How many of there were you? Two younger sisters. We don't know the gender of the one that was aborted. But my sister and I used to call our fourth child that we never had, because we had no money. And then my mom went and got an abortion. She was still with your father.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, she fucked around. Oh my god. Town whore. Wait, are you serious? No, not at all. Not at all.

That's what I was going to say. I'm putting two and two together with the printer thing. Not at all. I think that was the sex line. I don't know what's going on with the Cupid. Yeah, two sisters, two younger sisters. And did she ever remarry or was there a stepfather involved or anything? No, she barely, she's very anti-social,

like social in a small way, but very like, I think went on literally two dates, I want to say, where we were encouraging or like just get a, you know, she had one friend in the apartment complex. And they were, it was kind of thing, even as, even young, I felt a sense of like, they were being charitable to my mom in a sense. Got ya. Like socially, like, take care of her, hang out with her. Yeah, I mean, I think they truly did like her, but I mean, she, that was it.

It was just, and they were younger, you know, and I just felt, and it may not even be true, but I just had this sense of like, oh, they're being nice to her. Nice to her, because she's nice to my mom. Maybe after the divorce and all that kind of stuff, they wanted to, you know, they wanted to be cool to her, I get that. Yeah, then they were, and they were, it just, and I, it could be off, and it was just a feeling I had when I was, you know, 12, 13, 14 years old, you know.

And did you start working early too? Yeah, I had a, I worked at, in the kitchen of Previnos, a Italian restaurant in Roswell, off of whatever that boat was, the only road there. And, and I worked there from when I was like 14 and 15, totally illegally. Sure, sure. Washing dishes or whatever. Yep, washing dishes, me and two friends. How was the food?

It was good. Georgia Italian restaurant? It was, and we'll get this, the guy who ran it was Austrian. His name was Mr. Gerlitz. Yeah, and they're known for their Italian cuisine. And, and, and also like, Roswell in the 70s was nothing, there was nothing there, there was nothing. So, but it was, I mean, you know, I liked it and we all stole food, you know,

just stole everything. I stole a five gallon can of clams once, which I, which I had to do in. Can clams, huh? But I had to do it in like, like stages. So they were. Like Shawshank with the rocks. Scott Shell's falling out of his ankle. Soggy pockets.

Behind the restaurant, they had started like breaking ground and this construction thing to do, to put up like a, some small office building or something. And, and so I was able to get the clams from the storage place and then move them over to another place and then keep them covered and then move them to a place kind of by the door. And then wait, you know, and I had an idea of like when the smoke breaks were happening, when this was happening, and then I got it, finally got it out the door without making too much noise and turned it on its side and rolled it all the way to where the construction thing was.

And, and then when my mom came to pick me up, uh, she was in on it. She became an accomplice. Yeah. Ma, I hope you got a lot of one cleaning at the house. You're not going to wrap me out because you're going with me. Yeah, you got clam juice on your hands too, Tuts. Go get some toner. Hey, would you bring it back to the house and crack the can open and eat it?

Yeah, we had, you know, spaghetti and clams for a couple of years, months. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, that's awesome. Do you remember the name of your local pizza place? Or did they do pizza at the Italian joint? Uh, no, the, the, um, there was a, uh, not in the, or not in the first two apartment complexes. They were real, again, it was really rural, but the last one, which was, uh, again, noble, noble

creek, um, if you went down to the main road, there was like a, um, like a longer strip mall, like a, so there'd be, I remember there was like a steak and ale, uh, if you remember that. And then, and then there was like a little, yeah, a little shopping strip. Um, and there was a pizza place called Geno's. Sounds good. Geno's is all right. And I, I, I'm fuzzy on this because I would have been about 13, but I, or maybe it was like, I don't know, by the time I got there, I was probably 15 and I went on an air quote date on

and, um, and didn't have enough money. And I remember the pizza was black olives. I remember there were black olives on the pizza and I literally washed dishes. To get out of it? To, yeah, for real. Yeah. How short were you? Was it like $1?

Yeah, how long do you have to wash dishes for a slice? I don't, it was, this is back, this is back then. I mean, there, it wasn't much money at all. Could have been much. Could have told you you were part owner. I had run the kitchen real quick. I don't, I don't remember any of the details. Except for, for whatever reason, I remember black olive pizza.

Maybe that was it. Maybe cause I got extra toppings. That was it. How to be a big shot. Now that I'm thinking about it, yeah. How to show off for like, yeah. Are you folks in need of any clams by any chance? Do a little trade.

Sports situation at high school, you play any sports? No, um, I, I was the, the, I wouldn't say I played any sports, but I certainly was the play thing of a lot of the athletes there, you know, put me in trash cans and whatnot. But, uh, no, I, but I, I mean, I, I was, uh, I, I was pretty active with swimming from, from when I was like five years old. Yeah. And I, uh, I was really good. I, uh, and I, the team I was on, uh, the, was a highly ranked team in, in the state and

Roswell and the, uh, um, and I went to invitationals, junior AAU and stuff like that. And, and did well. I was, I was, I had lots of, you know, medals and ribbons and things like that. Um, and then I, that stopped when I was 14, I want to say. And then I went to a summer instead of swimming, I went and did, and I remember very well having a very grown up kind of realization that, because there was this guy in a, uh, that I would always race against super nice guy, uh, in North Carolina. They were, they were like the dynamos, I think they were called.

And they were one of the top ranked in the Southeast, uh, swim teams. And, um, and this kitten, we got along really well. And I would see him, you know, two, three times a year, always beat me. I never, ever, ever beat him. And I was good, but he was better. And I remember having this, um, like I just understood that I'm never going to be a great swimmer. I'll be a good swimmer, but I just don't have that thing in me. And I don't, I just didn't care as much.

I wasn't as driven and, uh, as, as other people I saw who did it. And I loved it. I loved, you know, swimming competitively. I didn't like, um, uh, practices, which were really, really grueling and hard, but I loved, I loved it. Gotcha. And I just knew, and I just sort of drifted away from that. I kind of expected, like, yeah.

And, and then I did this summer instead of, for the first time I did a, uh, I did this like theater camp type thing where there was like acting, exercise. I knew I wanted to do something like stand up or performative, you know, films or whatever. And, and then I, we ended up doing, what was it? Some musical. Music, man. South Pacific. No, it was like a little more, uh, maybe it was West Side Story.

And, uh, no, that was when I was in, anyway, I, I, whatever I did, I ended up going to that school. It was a magnet school, School of the Arts. And I, and I would say kind of saved my life. Gotcha. And not, not in a, in a figurative way, in a little way. I think I don't know what would have happened if I was still just going to that high, same high school in Roswell and, so we went, we moved closer into the city.

And, um, and then my sister started going there and it was, uh, uh, you know, completely different. It was, uh, diverse and it was, uh, way more urban. Um, and, and, and you didn't have PE or anything like that. You had, you know, there was like whatever, you had, uh, theater, musical theater or dance or whatever. It was all part of the same thing and totally turned me, I met, really cool people.

Blossomed a bit. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then was happier, uh, um, because I was, I wouldn't say I was, I mean, I hesitate to, to, I don't want to sound over dramatic, but I thought about suicide a lot, not in a real way, like I'm planning it, but I just, and I think if I probably would just run away and move to New York, which was something in my head, you know, and, uh, um, just dropped out of high school, I think, but, but that, so that really just

put me in a, Give you a purpose. It gave you a direction and gave you a different path and excitement, of course. It was like comedy now was like a whole part of it. And, uh, um, yeah, it was, it was a big, That's great. Man, look at that. What a fucking story.

That's a fucking journey. I know, I know. It's not, that's kind of a boring movie. Unless you, What are you talking about? If you're the lead, what are you talking about? The clam, the clam scene, the clam scene would be amazing. That's our second act turned.

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Any pets growing up? What was the pet situation? Yeah. When I was, I think about, when I was born, our family dog was about four and a half months old, named Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown was a brown, one of those large French poodles. And then he ended up having, god, it was this.

This is for the movie. This is for the story. All right. So we were in Syracuse, New York. And I'm probably, I guess it would have been nine or just about to turn nine. It was winter. I was born in April, but it was, but Syracuse,

you know, winter in Syracuse goes up there for vacation. Yeah. No, no, we were living there. Oh, you were living in Syracuse? I was just one of the spots we ended up with Syracuse. Yeah. And so it's fourth grade, whatever age that is. I guess nine.

Nine, nine, ten, yeah. No, I was nine when I moved to, back to Georgia. So it would have been, I guess, anyway. And it was a particularly brutal, cold, snowy night. And I had, remember in the back of comic books, I don't know how old you all are, but there were things like, oh, then you won't. The things you could buy.

You would sell them and then get prizes or things. So I wanted a watch. I think that was it. It was one of those LED, you know, red, you press it in the red digital display. Yeah, yeah. And I wanted this watch. And so you, it was greeting cards.

So I was, you get a big box of greeting cards and to go sell them. And I'm going door to door and it's fucking in a snow. Snow's coming down and it's just really hard. And it's all, it's all I had, all I could do, really. And I remember selling a couple. Again, people just taking pity on a neighborhood kid. I'm seeing this in black and white, white screen.

Yeah, I'm X. And I was thinking 3D. Just the lower half is 3D. Now we're talking. Top half is black and white. You both get to share your vision in this. Co-directed by. And anyway, it was just brutal and, you know, so cold

when you come and you can't unzip your zipper, you have no motor control. Anyway, came in, I didn't really have a very successful night and even people just kind of, some people being kind of rude. Was the dog with you on making these rounds? No, no, no. All right. I came back to find out that my dog had died.

Jesus. And then everyone's, oh, the first thing, sorry. This is even better. So my sister wasn't in, no, my, get this right. Somebody wasn't in the room. And I guess my dad wasn't there and my mom had said, we lost a member of the family tonight. And, oh my God.

And so I'm like, what? Oh my God. And then to make it worse, it turns out it wasn't my dad. It was actually my dog that I had growing up. And then my little sister, and I start crying and my other sister, Wendy's crying. And then my little sister goes, can we get a cat now? Finally.

Yeah. And then cleared out some space. And then shortly after that, we moved down to Georgia. Down to Georgia. Did you get a new dog from there? No, no more family pets. That was it. I had one here.

I just who, relatively recently, I had to put down, euthanize. Sorry to hear. And it got me a good nine minute bit in the last special. So everybody needs a closer. You know what I mean? Yeah. If you go to officialDavidCross.com, I'm from the future.

You'll hear all about my dog and what happened and what that was like. Huh, OK. Ever arrested when you were a kid? When I was a kid, no. No? No. As an adult? I spent the night in lock up in LA.

Nice. Yeah. Was drinking or? I had been drinking, but I wasn't like. Had a couple cocktails. Not over a bang, but it's. Close in the clams again, was it? It was still the clams.

They finally found me. They tracked you down. They tracked me down. Yeah, you're the punk we're looking for. And luckily I had still had some left. It was five gallons. It was a lot of clams. And it would always whenever I moved, I would bring those clams with me.

Oh, man. That's good stuff. OK. Let's see here. Where'd it go? Do you know how to tie a tie? Yes and no. I could do it.

He never gives you a straight answer. He's all over the place. I'm being honest. I'm not being. I'm a complex. I can tell. I could I can do this guy. You know, the whatever that one's called, the standard one, but.

The Windsor. The Windsor, I guess. OK. Down. But whenever I do it like on set, somebody will, I would say 95% of the time, come undo it and tie it properly. Do it right. Cool.

And so yes and no. OK. So going from that background, which wasn't easy. That was tough growing up like that. When you started making a little cash, was there a silly purchase? How are you with money? Are you your reckless? No, I'm very, very good with money.

OK. But there were plenty of silly purchases. Nothing. What was like the first big check? What was for Ben Stiller and I got, I want to say, whatever the scale was, but I want to say $2,750. That was the first big thing that was the Ben Stiller show.

Yes, that was a fucking while. That was what? Early night? What year was that? Early night. That's right. 93. So you're out in LA.

You're doing your thing. You land that show. And I'd never had, and this is absolutely true, and I'm including everything, bar mitzvah money, anything. I'd never had had more than a couple hundred dollars ever. Yeah. Gotcha. And then.

Up to this point. Up to this point. I mean, I was living with three, four other housemates in Somerville and Massachusetts. And I just remember being like, I'm sick of being cold and hungry. Sure. And I, because I actually, this is so stupid and embarrassing, really embarrassing, but I was, I really debated whether to take this job because I had this stupid inflated sense of like, stand up as pure, and I'm pure in art, and it was ridiculous.

And, uh. You mean to take the job on the Ben Stiller Show? Say what? To take the job on the Ben Stiller Show? Yeah. Dude, I, well, to move to Hollywood, and it was so annoying. And we were used to purists. I mean, all I was missing was like a beret and a closed cigarette.

It was so baguette. I would have been on the first gray hat. You would have hated that guy. Dude, jeez. And then, you know, I did it, and then, and of course it was the best decision I ever made. And, but yeah, so I started, I started getting these checks, and then I was staying, and I was crashing out of friends, and all of a sudden, you know, my bank account that I could see went from, you know, $2,700 to $5,400, and then a week later, you know, and it's just,

and I'm in the, I've got five digits now, and it's crazy, and I can't, and I'm not looking at the, the prices on the menu, and I'm just going, yeah, and I'm, and now a lot of, We're experiencing that now at 40. Right, like literally right now. It's great, that's awesome. First dumb thing I did was I got my mom a, like this glass, this fancy glass vase, a sculpture thing, and sent it to her. It's pretty classy.

Yeah. And she, you know, didn't care less, but she was very nice. It was, it was like, you know, it was one of those, the thought is more, but she didn't care for it, whatever. Sure, did you see it? Like, I'm really going to wow her with this and give her this nice thing. And where was she living at the time? Was she back in Georgia?

She's in Georgia, yeah. She was in the, like an apartment complex. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. And, and, you know, well, I mean, it was a nice gesture, but it was, it was the first, you know, expensive thing. Which was $500? What was it?

Oh no, it was like, probably $275, $300. To no jet skis or anything like that. No, I'm not, I'm not that kind of guy. The thing that I'm really frivolous with, and I justify it by saying it's potentially, it's an investment, but I'm so, I mean, the money I put into it, this is not even come close to the value, but is baseball cards. Okay. So I've been collecting baseball cards for a while, and I do have some,

you know, valuable cards, but all in all, when you take the decades up and doing it, I put way, way, way more money in them than I've got. Did you do that as a kid as well? Was that something you did as a kid? Initially, yeah. And then, and then I stopped for a long time. And then, and this is going to mean nothing to, except to a handful of people. But in 89, Donrus, it was the year before Upper Deck came out with a hologram.

Sure. And Donrus had all these mistake cards, and me and some friends foolishly believed like, we're going to be millionaires because the Smoltz card is, you know, got the, got Glavinon, and we thought, and we literally just any money I had, I would go buy these dumb cards, we'd sit, we'd all bring our packs, and they're, you know, valueless. That's all right though. But that got me started, and that got me interested.

And when I was older, but I buy, I get baseball cards like a rich guy would, you know what I mean? Gotcha. I get, you know, spend a bunch of money on unopened boxes that I wait a few years and then open them to see if there's value. Yeah. What's the most expensive single card you have? I have a Sandy Kofax second card.

I have a, not in good condition, but it personally, it's my favorite card is a Hank Aaron rookie card that wouldn't get much because it's really not great condition, but I fucking love it. And it's all there. I love it. I just looking at it. That means great. And as far as like, you know, crazy refractor green, one of one autograph cards,

I have a Babe Ruth upside down or something like that. Yeah. On a plane, on a biplane. Skateboarding. Yeah. You dropped NGs on misprints. I like that. All right.

That's at heart. That is a dirtbag mentality. I'm like, I'm going to buy up all these banners to hopefully get pay off in the long run. That's the dirtbag mentality in you though. I have a Babe Ruth eating a hot dog getting sucked off by some Hollywood starlet in a bathtub that's worth nothing. You believe that? It's a little dog gear.

What are you going to do? That's good stuff. Okay. That's pretty classy. How many suits do you own? You got to have a lot of suits, right? A lot of ward shows, stuff like that. I mean, the last time I wore a suit, I believe, was my wedding.

And that was something that was over 10 years ago. And I couldn't fit into it. I've got this guy going. This little fella. Hi. Hello. Hey, buddy. I don't really own a suit that, I have suit jackets.

And I have nice pants, but I don't own a suit, I guess. Tuxedo? No. No tuxes. Okay. All right. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? No.

Why would I do that? A lot of people do it. Why? Time, I don't know why. Because they're garbage. That's why. How much time does it take to brush your teeth by the sink? What about peeing in the shower?

Oh, sure. And the sink. I'll pee in the sink. While I'm brushing my teeth. You want to talk about a time saver? This guy's got a lot going on. Do you brush my teeth when I take a shit in the shower? In the shower.

While making scrambled eggs. What am I going to do with all that extra time? Do you floss every day? No, I should, though. You don't floss every day. All right. Mouthwash guy? You know what?

I was because I have really, really, really bad teeth. I think it's just genetics. My dad, British, British lineage. My dad had terrible teeth. And I got his shitty teeth. So I've had all this surgery, oral surgery, and dental implants and things like that. And the guy's like, you need to use this, whatever it was.

Ten-in-one stuff with the oral care type thing. Yeah, oral care stuff. And then I read this thing just recently. It's not good for you. That it's, you know, this dentist lady in Sweden is horrified at the stuff because you broke it down. So the toothpaste you use has a lot of fluoride in it, which is the thing, the ingredient we need,

more than anything else. But the mouthwash has way less fluoride. So you're just getting rid of all the fluoride if you use your mouth for afterwards. After you brush your teeth. So I kind of think that makes sense. Not bad. So thank you, internet.

Yeah, saved my life once again. Anybody in your family pronounce the days of the week? Is this the show? This is the show, bro. Crazy, it's so stupid. So you just ask you wild questions that you haven't thought about. All right, and how'd you sell this show?

We just do it. It's all self-produced. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's all just us. That's great. You hear that, Hollywood? We don't need to take that. Unless you want to cut a check.

Ben Stiller, take your 27. I have a hundred and cram it. Like we're on the Paramount lot and you're like, how the fuck did you guys get in here? Now what kind of soap do you use? Dove. You use Dove. A Dove bar or the gel?

No, no gels. I hate gels. Yeah, just the bar. Just the bar. I'm a Dove bar man myself. Yeah, great. And now are you in a house or an apartment now? I'm in a house.

You're in a house. Bathroom, glass shower? Yes. Glass shower, separate tub? Yes. Separate tub, yeah. That's all right for New York. Where's the typical cross family vacation?

Where would you guys go? We have all my, except for, I have one sister in North Carolina, but everybody else is in Georgia. So we are back quite a bit there. But and then my sister and her wife have a boat. There's a big lake north of Atlanta. Northeast called Lake Lanier. So we'll get, we'll rent a house and it'll be, you know,

my family and, you know, my wife and daughter, and then other friends and stuff. And we'll stay, we'll stay at the house for like five, six days. And the lake is, it's heavily trumped, but it's, the lake itself is just beautiful. And it's great. And it's great. It's nice.

It's fun. It's awesome. Any Disney world? No, no. Nothing like that? No. Okay. Southern man, how do you feel about the boiled peanuts?

I fucking love boiled peanuts. Are you kidding? Who doesn't like boiled peanuts? I love them. Fuck them. Fuck those people. I didn't try them. They're great.

Yeah. Oh my God. Here, and I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, if the best boiled peanuts I've ever had is a, there's a great room in East Atlanta called the Earl, which stands for East Atlanta. We were just where we had them. We were just fucking there.

And that's where I had them for the first time. With Sean Patton? Oh, that's great. Yeah. That's great. They're the best boiled peanuts. Really? The Earl has the best boiled peanuts.

And I asked them. I was just there. I did a couple of shows. That's an awesome room. I've been doing stuff there since, you know, early. Shout out to the Earl. Food there's top shelf. That's great.

Oh, that's great. I had to kill a burger. That little section of Atlanta, because I remember when there was nothing there. Oh yeah, it's like that strip now. Yeah, that strip is great. And there's a lot of good stuff there. But what's the name of it?

Here's another place you got to go to that doesn't open until like 10 o'clock. The octopus? The octopus. OK. Highly recommended. OK. It's like a place where a lot of the chefs go in Atlanta.

Like that. That's us. It's like a house that they turned into a restaurant. Very cool. And it's a, yeah, it doesn't open until 10 p.m. It's great. But yeah, the Earl, best boiled peanuts. OK.

All right. I love them. You got to go to karaoke song? I do. What is it? So I have a couple. Depending on what I'm trying to do. Depending on the mood.

Yeah, exactly. Am I looking for a romance? Sure. So the one I do if I'm, if people don't know I sing or I'm going to like surprise people. Really? Don't know I sing. Is to serve with love.

OK. Which has a high register. Can you sing? Like, yeah, yeah, OK. Yeah, I can sing, you know, I would surprise people with my sweet Melody's tone. Really? And you like that, don't you?

Yeah, you like calling that car. You got a joker up your sleeve. Oh yeah, so that's, I've had going on for a long time. But then if I'm just trying to piss people off, and I've got a quick little anecdote about this, I will do Eat It by Weird Al. OK. OK.

And then one time. I never heard a Weird Al song done at karaoke. Just do the original. No, no, no, no. And I'll tell you why. Yeah, of course. I'll tell you why. Because it will fucking piss people off.

Because they don't know the words? No, because they don't, they think it's beating. Beat it and then it's not. Because it starts the same way. And I was in West Virginia. We were on the roads, it's going way back. It was like early, early tour, like I think it was the bigger and blacker tour I think.

We were in West Virginia and I can't remember. It was a teeny redneck little town. In fact, I used to have a picture of the thing like engraved in a plaque. Not handwritten, but like everyone must wear, must wear shoes and shirts in the lobby. Like they had enough problems with these. They had to, yeah.

They had to etch it in trash. Rednecks coming in. And they had engraved, you know, like a plaque or whatever. You must wear shirts and shit, you know. Yeah. That would only be tell you again. So there was one of the very few places to do anything. There was this karaoke night at this bar.

And I went up and I put my name in and everything. It's all locals and stuff. And I went to do, eat it. And it starts, you know, don't, you know, and all. People start getting hype when that starts dropping. They get excited and these women get up. Yay, wee. And then, and the fucking dance floor is filling up.

And then I start singing. And it was like that kind of slow and then quickly, but slowly like, wait a minute. The realization, yeah. What is he talking about? Custards and pot. What is this? Making a mockery of Michael Jackson.

Exactly. He's ridiculous. And they wouldn't, and they wouldn't, but they were so self-conscious. They wouldn't allow themselves to dance to have it. Even though it's the same song and same rhythm. Exactly. They were embarrassed.

Like, I'm not going to dance to things though. A bunch of fat chicks start hitting the floor. Turn it up. I did the same thing when I was 11 at a karaoke place in North Carolina. Weird Al song, it got off and one of the waitress was like, did you write those lyrics yourself? Very funny.

They signed you to a record deal. Well, that doesn't speak weird of weird, speak good of weird Al though, that they thought an 11-year-old wrote to him. Did an 11-year-old write that? Yeah. Here's a true thing. Do you know that Weird Al is truly one of the nicest guys?

I can imagine. He's the sweetest, nicest guy ever. Yeah, big fan of the Weird Al. Yeah, super nice guy. Not a lot of tough guys playing the accordion. Yeah. How do you have to beg him for a real asshole? These guys are real tight ass.

How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? I mean, I like it. I'm ambivalent, I guess. Okay. Okay. How do you guys feel? Love them. Big fans.

Yeah. It's trashy, but a big fan. Nine bucks as opposed to, yeah. But as opposed to what? Just other types of chicken or just- No, I guess it's- Rotisserie chicken would be the trashiest of all the chickens. Oh, I disagree.

Really? I mean, on my block, it's the fried chicken, the shitty fried chicken that people just throw on the street. Throw on the streets. That's pretty good though. Yeah, I guess it comes off. It seems classier than it is, I think, is the, at the end of the day, it's a $6 full of chicken.

Yeah, but still, well, you can have cheap things that are classy. Sure, sure. But I would say the rotisserie chicken is light years classier than fried chicken. Okay. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. Okay, look at this.

Score one for me. There you go. All right, all right, all right. He's on the board. Where are you shopping now? This is where I come from. You a Whole Foods guy? No, no.

Where are you shopping over there? Key Foods. You go to Key Foods. Down the street from me, yeah. Huh. Wow. Key Foods with rotisserie chickens. What did you think?

I love how he asked us who we sold these shows to. You too, baby. Have you ever gone ghost hunting? No, what is that? Like ghost hunting? Looking for ghost hunting? Yeah, no. Anybody in the family ever claimed to have seen a UFO?

No. No UFOs? No. Can you do the electric slide? No. No, you can't do that. I mean, I believe that I'm capable of doing it, but I prove it. How about the Macarena?

Again, I don't have very good rhythm. I will say that. I'm not a good dancer. But if I studied for a couple months at the Sorbonne, I could probably learn the Macarena. I think they teach it there, too. Sure. If we went over your house right now,

what kind of water could you offer us? Bottled water out of a Brita, out of the tap. What do you got? Both tap and filter the, but no, I don't use Brita. I use zero, one. Okay. That's pretty glassy. Fridge open this way, double door?

Yes, it does. What's the brand? Sub-Z, what are we rocking? Uh, we're doing stainless steel. It is stainless steel? Yeah. I don't know. How about the range?

Is it Viking? The range is wolf. Wolf is very nice. Someone else had one. That's Italian, right? I know it's Italian. I think so. Yeah, it's wolf then.

I'm almost probably, I mean, I said it quickly. Yeah, yeah. When you guys bought the place, did you redo it? You got it out and redo it on the inside? We did, two thirds of it, I'd say. Yeah, it was, some of it is, we didn't do anything too, but a lot of it, you know, the kitchen was on the second floor, so we brought that down.

Okay. That's now our master bedroom. And then we, you know, we did various things. And, but some of it was, we left it because it's beautiful. You kept it, sure. Brownstone, I imagine, right? Yeah, yeah, 1800s, late 1800s. Shoes off in the house?

Yes. Yes, please. Really? Yes, please. Yes, please. Okay. Because you're guest as well. Yeah.

I mean, no, I wear shoes, it's just my guess. You sure? This is my house, mother fucker. Yeah. Hey, that's right. Still a little power trip, what if I like it? Uh, hmm. Will you eat a hard-boiled egg in public?

I don't particularly care for, no, I probably wouldn't, not because it's, people, I'd be ashamed or anything, but I just don't care for our favorite eggs. Okay. Uh, anyone in your family on a PT cruiser? What a specific question. No. Okay.

What were the cars like growing up? What were the family cars? Oh, they were wonderful. They'd have four wheels and they'd go round and round. You would, there was an internal combustion engine. Look it up, I swear to God. We had a, we had a, I don't remember prior to the, we had, eventually got a Dodge Dart.

Okay. Not bad. With nothing on it. And then, and we had that for a while. I think we just, and then, and then, I don't know, we must add something after that, because that was like real 70s, AM radio with buttons, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you whipping around in now? I have a 2012 Toyota Highlander. Really? That's what you're floating around in. All right, I like this. You do all in the street parking, or you got a parking spot?

No, we got a, we got a, yeah. No, we don't have a driveway. No, God, no. No, that would be, I mean, yeah. You'd be parking in a garage. And like dipping this park or anything like that. No, okay. Yeah, in a garage.

Park in a garage, that's pretty good. You take your shoes off on a plane? I would, yeah, I have for sure. And if, I wouldn't, if they, if I thought they were gonna smell bad or anything, or definitely not do that. But I will, you know, quietly, and to myself, would kick those shoes off.

You don't make a scene of it. No, not at all. Subtle, I like it. Classy gentlemen, do you travel first class? Flying up front? If somebody, if you're flying out for work. If somebody's paying for it, yeah. I do, but I will do,

what I will pay for is the Comfort Plus. Yes. Or the extra leg room. I definitely do that. You're a Delta man, I presume, by the Comfort Plus. Comfort Plus. Yeah, well, we go Atlanta a lot. And so I'm on Delta quite a bit.

And have you been to the new LaGuardia? Yes. Holy fuck, it's awesome. Yeah, it's nice. It's way different than it used to be. It's so great. Are you a lounge man? You do the lounges?

No, but I would, oh, I'll tell you where I do the lounge. Exactly, where I will pay for it. Probably the only time I've done it, but I've done it several times, is the Virgin Atlantic Lounge in London. Probably. That's like the hub. It's insane, right?

It's, it's, it's beyond. Like it's crazy. And I will, we, my wife and I, you know, I spent a lot of time in London years really, and did a lot of flying back and forth. And you know, that's a, that's a big flight. So it's a hump, yeah. And we would go to the airport early, specifically,

knowing that we were going to go there. Yeah. And I respect that. Yeah, we, it's, it's pretty amazing, but they're, they're really not worth it, you know? It depends. Well, do you get it through, do you have a, do you got a rewards member with Delta?

Do you have a frequent flyer number? Yeah, but I've never used it for the lounge. Wait a minute, that can't be true. Or if you have an American Express, they get it a lot too. Yes, I just switched over actually, not too long ago, but there's, I know I've been in the American, when I know that a flight's delayed, and then I add up,

I'm not, sounds like a joking, but I'm not, I will add up how much will the wine or beer cost me at the bar versus getting the lounge thing. And I've, so I've done that at least five times, where I've gone like, that's next level. If you're doing beer math at the airport, but if you get like a two hour delay, then fuck it, I'm going to the lounge and I'll just drink.

That's gonna be $50 in beer. Absolutely. He's tight with the cash, I respect it a little bit. What's your drink? Yeah, what's your drink of choice? It totally depends, and it also depends on what time I'm flying and all that, but it will, it will either be like an IPA or a Cabernet.

So if I'm going wine, it's Cabernet, and if it's beer, it's like an IPA. If you had a nice dinner, what's your cocktail of choice? I don't drink cocktails. I drink, I don't, not because I just don't like them that much, and I will have wine or beer depending on what it is, or sake, and then I'll drink tequila and I'll drink it, you know, straight. So really?

Yeah, if I'm like kind of going, when it comes to the booze, he's pretty refined. Yeah, all right, all right. But tequila, I would fall into the cocktail category. He may not seem like he only has beer and wine. You skip over the mixer and go straight to the, straight to the sorts. I do, I just don't like, like, my sister's way,

she's a big food, she's an amazing chef and everything, but, and she's like the mayor of Atlanta, everybody knows her, and we'll go to these restaurants and places, and she's a big cocktail person, and you know, she's always insisting like, oh my god, this is amazing, take a sip, and that'll be, yeah, that's all right, but it's just, it's like- The palomas and the groanies, all that kind of stuff.

Rather just have my beer, and then later have tequila. Are you a share the apps kind of guy, or are you an individual? Oh, share, share. Share everything? Yeah, why not? All right. That's kind of a dick move.

Sure, some people are specific about it. That's shitty. I can't get a read, he's a back and forth, I feel a lot. Have you ever had poison ivy as an adult? Uh, no, I mean as a teenager. Teenager, yeah, okay. Do you have baking soda in the fridge at the house? Um, I should, I have before, I don't know, but probably should.

Okay. Who's doing- I'm not opposed to it. Who's doing the cooking over there? My wife's a really good cook, but I make big, large batches of soups and stews, that's my thing. And so I will make, you know, I'll triple a recipe for, you know, whatever it is, you know.

In fact, we're finishing up the mushroom barley soup that's in the fridge, and I'll make a big recipe. It makes you sound like it's a restaurant. 86 to split pea. And I'll freeze half of it, and then, but I do, there's kind of consistently something, and I'll experiment with different things. And, but my wife's a good cook with like,

the saute pans and the roasting kind of stuff. The key foods thing is really throwing me off. No Whole Foods, no Trader Joe's. No, no, no. Oh yeah, I go to Trader Joe's, but I don't make a special trip. Like, if I'm going to the grocery store- Just to get staples, you're just going to hit. But I don't go, like, my dentist is by the Trader Joe's on Atlantic,

and in Cobble Hill, and Borm Hill, rather. And so I'll bring my backpack if I have to go to the dentist, and I'll go to Trader Joe's and get stuff there. They have, you know, I love Trader Joe's, but I don't, like, go, hmm, I need onions and a chicken, and da-da-da. I'll get on my bike and go to Trader Joe's, I'll fuck it, I'll go down the key foods.

Will you do that, though? You'll take the bike down to the grocery store? Like, not really. Like, the one, the, I used to- He's a man of the people, I gotta say, really is. I used to- You took the subway here, too. Yeah, yeah.

Man, I like it. Guys, what? I don't know what class of person you're expecting. Kevin, you're gonna throw 20s at us. Call us dirtbags. Yeah, that's my neighborhood. It's my, I mean, there's, I'm by Foodtown, and I'm by, you know, various places,

but I'm also really, you know, I look at the UPI number always. You know, I grew up poor. What's an UPI number? What's UPI number? Unit Price Index, yeah. So you're looking, yeah, like, if you buy anything- Sure, it does your price per unit. Yeah, exactly.

So you're looking, you know, this, you think you're like, oh, this olive oil's $9, and this olive oil is $25, but really, when you look at the size, you're actually paying more for the, you know- Really? Yeah, you just gotta look at the, you know, the two numbers on a thing. Yeah, I don't love- So look at the left, look at the left number,

and that'll tell you whether you're getting, not ripped off, but what you're paying for. And, oh, I'm, I'm, that's all stuff, and it drives my wife nuts, because she had the opposite experience, you know, and, and- She's saying stuff like, you would nominate her for an Emmy. I know. I don't know.

I got 84 episodes of the rest of the development here. Just get the olive oil, let's go. Yeah, man. That's classy as shit. Yeah. Damn. It's, yeah. So.

Any fast food? Oh, yeah. What's your favorite? Um, I mean, uh, not, I don't really ever have fast food in New York, but when I'm out, I mean, I- Yeah, cookout man, down in Georgia? I, well, I've cookout man here. No, I mean, there's the place, cookout.

No, I've never even heard of that. Have you been to cookout? No. Really? I've never heard of it. Yeah, you're in Georgia? Yeah. Yeah, they're in Georgia and North Carolina.

What, what is it? Burgers and stuff? Burgers and stuff shakes a little, a little bit slower fast food. It's fantastic. Never heard of it. Wow. And it's in Atlanta?

It's in Atlanta. Yeah, and there's a line, 24-7, there's a line of cars around the corner. Where is it? It's, it's all over the South. I think they're like chain, I think it's, I don't remember. Never even heard of it, or seen it.

Okay. I'll check it out. But I like, I mean, I'm, I like, in and out, I like, Shake Shack, I like Chick-fil-A, I like, Chick-fil-A is great. I mean, like Popeyes or like, what else? Um, there's a Popeyes in Brooklyn. I don't know exactly where it is, but it's like,

it looks like it's the original one, but it's, this one's like perfect. Where is it? I can't remember exactly where it is. It's clean, it's nice. Came to him in a dream one time. Well then, then I'm not aware of that one. That one has escaped me.

You got to come to the Fat Guy meetings. Have you ever ordered anything off QVC or as seen on TV? No. No, okay. Can you whistle with your fingers? Oh yeah, I can do a sloppy. You can? Yeah.

Okay. But not the good, I mean, both, but I have to put both fingers in at the end of the foot. That's pretty, and then it gets all wet, and I have to, it takes me a little while, but yeah. I've always been jealous of the people who can, don't use any fingers and just like a loud, Oh dude.

Screamer, yeah. Do you have any answer? Can I get a water? Sure. Of course. You're having a one. Thank you. Um, do you have any answer uncles that you don't call,

or anyone in your family that you don't call by their real name? Like an Aunt Cookie or an uncle? Fingers, I guess that's a bad choice, but, you know. I have an Aunt Fingers, thank you so much. No, I don't, let me think here. No, no. Do you like the following smells? Asphalt, gasoline, horses, magic marker.

Do you enjoy those? No, yes, no, no, no. Okay. What was the last meal you've had delivered? Thai food? Yeah. Party classy. And if, when it comes, will you eat it out of the container,

or will you plate it on a plate from your kitchen? Always, it infuriates my wife. I will, not only will I eat it out of the container, I'll eat it out of the container standing over the sink. Really? Yeah. This guy's bonkers, dude. He's all over the place.

Have you ever been kicked out of a sporting event? Yes, I have. Really? Yeah, I wrote about it. I was, as I intimated earlier, I'm a big baseball fan, and been to hundreds and hundreds of baseball games in my life. And when I started making money, I would get tickets to, you know, playoff games.

I was a Braves fan growing up, and then a Red Sox fan, and then simultaneously, because they're both different leagues. And I went, and I would always take a friend, somebody I knew, you know, like baseball, and my sister. In fact, my sister and I were at the game winning, when the Braves in 95 won the World Series against Cleveland. We were, it was the last game at that park. Damn, that's pretty good, yeah.

Which I kind of grew up growing up in, and watched a lot of Braves games. And we were at that, I took her to that game, was thrilling. And so I was at, I want to say 96, I believe it was. It was the Braves Yankees, and I was at Turner Field. And maybe it was right before 96, because they turned that into the Olympics. I can't remember, but it was Braves Yankees, and my friend,

I brought my friend Craig Williams, who's my high school buddy of mine, and we went, we were watching the game, and I can't remember what, oh, I remember, so a bunch of people left, the Yankees were winning, people in our section, and I'm talking like, you know, 20 people left. And these two women in full Yankees stuff came down, and just like anybody does, you see empty things,

we're going to move up, we're going to get better seats. So they came, they sit down, and then I, and then the security came to boot them out, and I'm sitting, I'm like in the middle, so I'm good, there's like a good 10, 12 seats. I'm like, you know, and I've been drinking, you know. And I'm like, let him stay, you know, whatever, and then I start peppering my, all in good spirits,

not like angry, yelling at him, but like, let him stay, there's nobody's fucking here, and I start peppering that, and then somebody complained, an old Southern guy who, a little adent, I'll just skip ahead, I saw him at another game, like two years later, it was when Atlanta, whatever it was, Atlanta was playing St. Louis, I believe. Kick the shit out of him.

No, he also, I recognize him like, you're the guy I'd be thrown out, and he's like, you know, we don't need that language here, and you know, all that kind of stuff, and then he gets security, and security comes, I'm not even aware they're there, and literally behind me with the two meaty hands, I'm like, let's go, I'm like, are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? And they kicked me out. Damn. They kicked me out of the World Series for swearing. Jesus. And I wasn't even swearing at anybody, I was going, hey, you fucking asshole, piece of shit, you know, it was none of that, I was like,

yeah, and I'm like, oh, just let him stay, there's nobody fucking here, come on, what the, who do you care, it's a seventh inning, who gives a shit? Jesus. And they, and I got kicked out of the World Series. That's crazy. Let me ask you this, if you were at a baseball game

and you were in the outfield, and a home run came your way. Wait, I'm literally in the outfield on the grass? No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're playing left field. Oh, shit, what happened? Oh my God, I got to get my glove. No, no glove. Oh, no, no, no glove.

And you're wearing a suit. What the fuck? If you were out in the stands in the outfield, a home run came your way. You got the home run. Do you keep that ball or do you give it to a little kid? Who hit it? That's a, that's not a great answer.

Yeah, that's not a good answer. You got to give it to the little kid. Oh, fine, and you're made up hypothetical. Yes, not only do I give it to the child, but I take that child and adopt him. Were you keeping judges home run? If you would have caught that. Yeah, yeah, yes.

I'll buy the kid like a, you know, a bicycle or something. Get him an ice cream. I give him season tickets, but I'm no, I'm keeping the ball. I got you. That's a tough spot. I know you're a big baseball fan. It's so, wait, we were at the World Series and shared a film with the Phyllis.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it was all right. Boy, I hated that team. Got thrown out for cursing. The Phyllis? Oh, really? Well, over the Astros? No, no, I hate the Astros too.

I respect both teams. I respect them, but... How'd you hate the Phyllis this year? They're a hateable team. I don't think you... Really? Yeah, they're not. That's all we have here today, folks.

Thanks for stopping by. And the fans are kind of douchey, too. You're talking about us right now. Yeah. And they don't dress well. I hear the one's bald and the other one's fatty shit. That's just what I heard. That's all the fans.

The Abuzz the Flight Attendant when you're on a flight. You hit the bell? Yeah, I'm on the window seat and I need something. As opposed to what? Hey! Throwing an apple at him? Hey, lady! God.

Hey, lady! Sorry, could you tap the person in front of you and have them tap the person in front of them and have them tap the person? What are you leaving for the hotel cleaning service? If you're there for one night? One night is $5, anything over that. And I clean up after myself, but I was raised to clean up

and I clean up after myself. Put the towels in a pile? Yeah, I do everything. Does it laundry? I don't do. I don't... It doesn't load of whites. I'm, you know, it's another weird thing.

Sure. I'm the same way. I'm the same way. Yeah, we're gonna, I don't want to make a... I don't want someone to walk in and be like, oh, this guy's an animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's the proper thing to do.

For sure. Anyone in your family ever interviewed on the local news? I don't... And not for, like, winning an award or anything, you know? Not for winning an award or anything. I don't think so. Talking about somebody who saw a car accident or something. Okay, yeah, okay.

I don't think so. Do you have any quail eggs in your refrigerator right now? No. Any fireworks in your house right now? Yes. Really? Yeah. David Cross has fireworks.

Yeah, scoff law. Man, all right. Magazines in the bathroom? Ammo, yeah. You never know who's coming through the window. You've seen the Bourne movies. You've seen the Bourne movies. 12 gauge next to the toilet.

What kind of air freshener you have in the car right now? In the Toyota Highlander? We do not have an air freshener. We're all dogging it. Okay. Are you reading a book right now? I am. Really?

Yes, I'm reading the Robert Caro book, the biography of Robert Moses, which is a motherfucker. It's a monster. It's 1200 pages. City planner Robert Moses. Yeah. That's pretty classy. When you go to bed at night, do you have a TV in the bedroom?

No. No TV in the bedroom? Absolutely not. Do you read before you go to bed? I mean, not as much as I should. Sometimes I do, but not that often, really. But when you go to bed, you're going to bed? Yeah.

And how many pillows do you use? Just two. Two behind your head? Yep. Sleep on your side or on your back? Side. Really? Fan on you?

Yeah. Well, we have an overhead fan if it's hot. Yeah. You have that going? Yeah. If it's required. Pretty classy. King-size bed, I assume?

Dude, let me tell you something. I'd never been with my wife in a king-size bed until, well, probably in some hotels or whatever, but we got one when we moved into this, which will be the last place I ever lived. Gotcha. And that was the intent when we got it and remodeled it and stuff. And we got a king-size bed. And, fuck, what a difference, man.

It's a game changer. It's a total. And now when we sleep in a queen-size bed, it's like, what are you doing over here? It's crazy. And a king-size bed, it's like you're in two different zip codes. It's awesome. It's so good. It's only like a seven-inch or eight-inch difference, but it's like.

It's the world. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. All right, we got to wrap it up here. I got one more for you. What was the last time you drank Mountain Dew? Oh, I mean, probably in my teens. OK.

Do you do any soda? Not really, no. I used to drink Coke nonstop. I mean, just that's all you drank. Yeah. Yeah. And I haven't had soda in a long, long, long time. OK.

Yeah. OK. You said when he came in that you were going to be garbage, but I'm seeing all class. You ever crash a golf cart? He's been thrown out of a baseball game. For mild abuse of language by an old man. That's his side of the story. Who knows what really happened?

He's stolen a can of clams and his mom was in on it. All right, when you put it like that. He sold greeting cards door to door in a blizzard. You don't any birds? No. What was your first concert? Oh, my first concert was the kinks with John Mellencamp. Not John Cougar Mellencamp yet.

OK. John Mellencamp opening up. And we. Is this pre-Jack and Diane? Must have been, yeah. OK. And it was the best little scam. I would have been 15.

There we go. See? No, no. I mean, that anybody can do. My friend. My friend. Do you hear that, kids? So he, it was my friend who arranged this whole thing.

And we were volunteered to be ushers. And you just have to bring, I think it's whatever, I believe it was like a white shirt and a red vest or a black vest and dark pants. And this is all planned ahead of time. And my friend must have heard it from his older cousin or something like that. And so we went down to the Fox Theater in Atlanta

midtown. And we got there early. And he had our shirt and our vest. And we listened to the fucking 30-minute spiel about what to do, what not to do. And I remember the guy was like cartoonish uptight guy with a mustache and southern guy. And then literally minutes into the concert

ditched everything, put on a t-shirt, which we had brought with us. And then we were just in the crowd. And that was it. Enjoyed the whole show. It was awesome. He's trash. I mean, go on.

I respect the move, but the Kennedys ain't doing that. Ladies and gentlemen, oh my God, Mr. David Cross. That was fantastic. Appreciate you coming in. He got the spring tour coming up. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? No, spring tour. Go, I mean, go to my website, official davidcross.com.

That'll have all the cities and dates. And there will be more coming. So you don't have to write me going, hey, no good dance. We'll get there. We'll get playing Kodiak this year. Got a problem with it? Buddy, thank you so much. That was fantastic.

Kippy, what do you got for him? Guys, we're all over the road. Our third show at the Gramercy Theater. There's still some tickets left. So get those tickets now. We appreciate all the support. Thank you. We love you, gang.

And we'll see you next week. Peace.