Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Doug Smith: Religious Kid

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with Doug Smith for a bonkos episode. Doug talks about growing up super religious and shares some wild stories. Its a fun one!  PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://GetRoman.com/Garbage https://Stereo.com/kevinryan https://Stamps.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, hey, hey, everybody out there! And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? The show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they grow up classy. Or if they're a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. I'm down here at Aunt Toady's basement. I got my new heart medication in me. I got to hide it around the house. She's like a fucking truffle pig. It's like a bloodhound. I tell you, man. She'll be goofing it in no time. She sees a CVS receipt. All of a sudden, she's all over you.

My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He refers to me as a guy he works with. I tell people he's my best pal. He's the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's really an international businessman when you get down to it. Why's that? You have your foot in a couple of things. You like to dabble and rinse.

The cars don't even ship to Canada. I'm not that in a nutshell. Sorry about that. Apparently they still haven't shipped anywhere. They're right next to us. They'll be coming soon. They'll be coming around the mountain when they come. Okay, give it up for Mr. Kippy, Kevin, James, Ryan. God damn it. Hey, what's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. It's all in his name.

As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and you know what about those numbers? True to roof. True to fucking roof. Also, patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. You can sign up to get bonus content. You get bonus episodes at AYG. Episodes of hard feelings, which is me and Foley fucking chopping it up.

The real deal. The bread and butter. And then we do a live stream every month with the top tier patrons. You can get involved in that. It's a good fucking time. We do. Thank you so much, guys, and we love you. And how about a nice big shout out to our producer extraordinaire? He's got his mic back this week. He's mic'd up.

He's out of the penalty box. We'll see how he does. He's like Tom Brady in mid game with the mic on. Let's go. He's the pride of the Chicago comedy scene. Give it up for T-Bone, Toby McMuffin. What up, McMuffin. T-Bone, welcome back. Oh, it feels good to be back. You know, finally a part of something successful.

My life is falling apart. Like Diane Keaton over there, huh? I don't know. Yeah, me neither. Like Joan Rivers, huh? Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today. He is a very funny comedian and actor. You've seen him on Gotham Comedy Live, Conan of Rorius.

This is not happening on Comedy Central. Sex Fails, the late, late show. He also has a brand new podcast that's about to come out called Terrible Therapist with fellow comedians Matt Wayne and Gary Veter. Not to mention, he's got his own album out called Barely Regal. But the big question in his mind today, is he garbage? Now, he walked in here looking like he knows how to fix the chassis on a 72 Chevy. Yeah, he's a good looking kid, too.

His kid's got grease written all over him. All right, and I feel it. Give it up for Mr. Doug Smith, everybody. What's up, guys? Thank you so much for having me. With the stash and the piercing blues. Man, I can't even look over there. I'm going to look at P-Bone where I feel comfortable. Looks like you should have died on the air or something.

I thought I heard a thump under the table. Thanks for coming, buddy. You got a good-looking World War II guy face. I'm an ally, I promise. Yeah, you do look like you'd be black and white and just look really good. The hottest guy in the foxhole. Do you smoke? No, not a smoker.

He would be like, well, who would Philip Morris would want on an ad? Oh, yeah. Him leaning against a pickup truck. He's got the pack of burnies in the arm. You put an army helmet on him in front of some palm trees in Iwo Jima with a fucking Marlboro sticking out of his mouth. That's a life magazine picture of the year right there. Move a couple of units. Get this guy to Times Square and be fucking cleaning up.

What is the origin story of Doug Smith? You had said you came in that you were a Connecticut guy. You're a suburban guy. I am. Yeah, I grew up in Ridgefield, Connecticut, which is about 50 miles north of here. Connecticut's a little dicey. It is. Connecticut has a very bougie reputation. So Fairfield County is where I grew up.

Fairfield County is, I don't know if it still is. It was at one time like the wealthiest county in the United States. Solely because of a few towns. You got Greenwich. New Canaan. Darien. Little towns that are really bougie. Little bit of cash.

Ridgefield is kind of a bougie town. But then you got like Bridgeport. You got some of the biggest shit holes. I've done Fairfield. The gas stations are weird up there too. New Haven, Hartford. Most of Connecticut is a complete shit hole, honestly. All you have to do is drive up 95.

Take any exit and you'll see. Well, coming from Philly like Connecticut, we always thought like it's that reputation. Like a lot of cash, boat shoes, yachts, whatever. But then we went up to do a show up there. I was like, yo, we are not in Connecticut. Yeah. My hometown, everybody looks like

they just stepped out of an LLB catalog. Oh really? Everyone drives a Jeep Cherokee. Everyone has a Golden Retriever. Abercrombie, head to toe. Little old money. What's your parents do growing up? My mom was a stay at home mom.

My dad worked for the same local insurance company for 40 years. A.J. Carnal Insurance. Shout out A.J. A.J. What was like done? Auto or like life or what was it?

Life. Dad sold life insurance and was able to keep your mom home in Ridgefield. He had to do pretty good. He did okay. Ned Ryerson. From Groundhog Day.

Remember when he beat him, he was selling life insurance. Yeah. Growing up, I always thought my dad did better than he did. I remember when I finally found out what my dad pulled in a year, I was very disappointed. He bought the house off a grandma. What the fuck?

Well, actually, yeah, both my parents grew up wealthy and then they inherited some land. So my dad inherited five acres of property right next to the house that he grew up on. So we had not a huge house. We had five and a half acres of property.

We've talked about this anytime the property lines touch another relative. It's a little fucking dicey. It's kind of a trash move to get the land and be like, I'm just going to live right here. Well, no, what happened was I'm sure his grandparents bought land and then

bought the lot next to them. Hey, there will be blood. I understand what's going on. What the fuck? I'm trying to make a joke here. You're like, no, actually, well, it was a plot and a half. Builders, hey, shut up. How many brothers and sisters your dad had? He had two brothers.

So they probably got broken off something, too. They got something, too, yeah. It was like a compound. You were all right there. Those buildings were living around here. They actually had a name in other towns in the surrounding area. So they got a plot elsewhere. Wow.

I'm so grateful now that I think of it. I had to live next to a certain guy. Living in a pool house with his family. Ronnie, we got something special for you. The other two probably didn't even take the land. They're probably living in their basement. Wait, so is that house... So then he built the house on that land

and that's where you were born and raised. Your grandparents next door? They both died before I was born. Otherwise, that would have been trash. Dad probably rubbed them out. Fuckin' no neighbors, Daddy. Let's go! Life insurance is slow and you need another five.

Yeah, right? Five's nice. Ten would be nicer. Five's cool. You know what's really cool? Pan. Holy shit. So they passed on. Yeah, so my siblings... All my siblings are much older than me.

Oh, you're one of those kids? Let's get into it. How many Jeep Cherokees are on there? This is getting trashed. Hold on, before you answer that, I wanted to ask you, do you think you're garbage? I am 100% certain I am garbage. All right, let's do it.

So my siblings are 14, 16, and 18 years older than me. What the fuck? Same parents? Same parents. Holy shit. I got a brother that's 16 years younger than me. But it's a different mom, I can at least say that.

Yeah, one of my first jokes when I started doing stand up was about how old my mom is and I would be like, my mom was 47 when she gave birth to me, which is pretty crazy considering the odds of having a child that late in life with no birth defects,

slim to none. And as far as I know, I'm the only person in history to have ever made a full recovery from Down syndrome. Talk about a bounce back. I can't turn it around on the back nine. That is all right, it's weird. Holy shit.

47 and my dad was 51. Yeah. Intentional? No. What the fuck, Cheryl? I gotta go back to work. I only got five acres, what the fuck? Metapause is horseshit.

Damn. Apparently before women go into menopause, they have one last ditch. So... What the fuck? Sounded right. Huge mistake. So yeah, the way they told

my siblings was so I grew up with a pool, in-ground pool, not garbage. Everything else is garbage. We had an in-ground. So we had a pool and the way my mom told my siblings. Also, if you have five acres in no pool,

there's... You don't fucked up. That pool should be a solid eight. Five acres, no pool. Dude, I was always freaked out when I got invited to like barbecues or something like that, where there wasn't a pool in the summer. He was outside sweating.

It's like, what the fuck? I can do this at home. I'll spray you with the hoses. We got a water balloon or something. I'm fucking spits it over here. Jesus Christ. The pool, get out of here. I'm not coming. See you in the winter.

Fuck that. So we had a pool and the way they broke into my siblings was they said, we're going to have a little one running around soon. So we got to build a fence around the pool and my siblings went through the Rolodex of every family friend

of who could be pregnant. But I always thought it was hilarious that the three of them, their entire childhood, they weren't good enough to have a fence around the pool. How have you fallen? Who gives a shit? But this, this new Jack, we got to keep him safe. Holy shit.

That's pretty bananas, dude. So he's got, they just did it one night and... They did it one night and yeah, so I basically... What kind of details are you looking for here? What was she wearing? Who asked that? Just paint the picture.

Just one night, he went to Pound Town, huh? God damn it, Foley. Gave her a good deal on his premium, huh? Am I right? Holy shit. So they had to land, but he had a nice business he worked, he did well. You said you found out what it was. He did okay. He did okay.

I found out later, he only pulled in like 80 grand a year, which is not, you know, for Connecticut, for... For Connecticut, a stay at home mom. Stay at home wife, four kids. Yeah, that's not a lot. I don't need that much money. So yeah, he worked.

My mom stayed at home and... This is when you were a kid too. So he's 50, he has you. So let's say you're 9, 10 years old. He's in his 60s. So you had the old dad. I did have the old dad. And the other ones, they were... What, Vietnam? Where the fuck they were?

Your brothers and sisters, they were going, right? They were out in the dust bowl or something. So it was just you. Pretty much, yeah. My sister, who's the one closest in age to me, grew up up until I was like 5 or so. Yeah, that's it. But they were pretty much all out of the picture.

So for all intents and purposes, grew up an only child. Only child, man. Did you ever wonder, like, why are they so much older than me? Yeah, I mean, it was all intentional. They were all two years apart. That was strategic. Yeah. Have you ever, did anybody ever mistake your dad

for like your grandfather? Oh, all the time. They'd come pick me up from school. Yeah. He shut your mouth. She still got it. And my dad was a trooper. But you know, like, you're right.

By the time I was... Oh, he must have been exhausted. He was 16. So we'd go out and have a catch, 10 minutes in, and he'd be like, oh, Doug, my fucking shoulder, man. I gotta go inside. Well, when I first became friends with Hitler, we were like...

I guess it was probably... Goddamn rotator coming. He would give me... I've realized that we mean him, because he's 10 years older than me, but I'd be like, yo, let's go here. Let's go grab beers or something. He used to give me excuses that my dad used to give me.

He'd be like, he used to hit me with, as a friend. I'm just going to lay down and rest my eyes a little bit. Let me just lay here and rest my eyes. I'm like, dude, you sound like my dad trying to go, like, when I ask him to go to Chuck E.G. Foley has never once silently stood up. Yeah, no. He plugs the lights in behind the fucking shelves,

and he wheezes for 20 minutes. Sounds like an old fucking dialogue modem. Yeah, I feel you, man. I'll tell you, after 35, you start to really feel it. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have kids. Get a nanny or something like that. Just didn't have to take a dark turn. I don't know how to break it to you, big man.

Don't do it, man. My dad would... He would use his age against me all the time. He'd be out shoveling, you know, and I'd be like looking through the window. Why aren't you out here doing this? I could have a fucking heart attack. You had a good run.

You have a kid, right? Think about how tired you get. And then imagine tacking on fucking 30 years today. How old are you now? 38. And how old is your child? He's five. That math was wrong.

It wasn't? 33. Who does the math and then gets it wrong in five minutes? Man, Jennings over here. Take it easy. We're having a good time. He's been all over me since we started. Hey, it's my shtip. That's all I got.

Today. But still, that's a little bit old. Well, not really for today. But 33. 33 in New York. You might as well be 19. Sure, that's true. But now at 38, I'm sure you feel it chasing him around. Yeah, sure.

Sure. So, juicy tidbit, though. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. What? Yeah. This are getting weirder by the minute. Jesus Christ. So, you guys both grew up outside Philly, right?

Yeah. So, I'm sure you're familiar. Did you ever have them come to your door? No. Never? Really? In my neighborhood. I had them in Philly. They knocked on the door one time. I was like, get in here. You're going to get hurt.

The fuck are you doing up there? Fuck you walking around just like that for it. And they came in and they sat down and they were nice. They were like two kids, like my age or whatever. Right, right. Yeah, that's the only time ever. Really? Yeah. I think a pair of them one time made it to the driveway.

And my mom was fucking halfway out. No! No! Would you have to go around? Wait a minute. Wait, how does this happen? Are you always Jehovah's Witness? Yeah, so my mom was one of the few people,

few success stories of someone that was successfully flipped from people going around door to door. So, when she married, my dad was in the Marines. Talked and brought in anything, huh? They haven't even hit it, 47. Holy shit! So, they were

They were married. They were living in Ridgefield. They got out of the Marines that were living in Ridgefield and someone came around, knocked on the door. She let them in, started a Bible study with them and within a year

she was flipped. Wait, you weren't born yet? I wasn't born yet, no. They didn't have any kids yet. So, she went full bore into this thing and raised all my siblings that way. I'm sorry, where was your dad?

Was he on the fence before? I feel like you gotta be close to the edge before you get put like... I don't think anybody... an army couldn't walk in and turn him. You wouldn't need a lot. That'd be a pretty nice sandwich tray,

I'll tell you that. Who's Gator in this thing? So, they were already religious? They were... My dad grew up Protestant and my mom grew up Episcopalian. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, it's right down the middle, right?

Did he turn two? Not until I was 12 years old. So, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics get baptized when they're babies. Jehovah's Witnesses, you choose when you get baptized. So, I got baptized when I was 16. That's why I think they had the pool.

I'll catch you in the summer, you know what I mean? I don't want to be free. Are you ready yet, huh? Anytime you're ready. Yeah, he was on the fence. He just kind of went along with it the whole time I was growing up. So, she was really, really into it.

And it's... I don't want to say it's as quite as intense as Hasidic Judaism, but it's not a far cry. It's an extremely insular sort of like bubble. They have the watchtower over in Brooklyn, right? They did. They just sold

all that property and made tons of money. You know what I'm talking about? There's this huge building, like huge building, and it says the watchtower on it. And that was like the Jehovah's Witness World Headquarters for a long time. They lived there.

They did all this kind of stuff. It's basically like a commune, and they have three of them. So, they have one in Patterson, New York, Walkill, New York, and they had the Brooklyn one. They just sold all that property. It wasn't just one building. They had multiple city blocks

in Dumbo that they bought up in like the early 80s. Dude, that's a little bit of cash right there. That's going to be turned into something nice. So, they sold those buildings, and then they just moved their world headquarters to Warwick, New York, and have an even bigger compound there.

Now, do you guys get a piece of that? You get a couple acres out of that? Has that worked? You're old man. Left too soon, man. You left it? I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you just had to run away in the middle of the night,

like barefoot. You just stopped going to church. Right, yeah. So, my whole life, I was in it, because my mom was, she wasn't like a casual member. She was really in it. What's it?

So, it's like church couple times a week, no caffeine, or what? We were just talking about leaving before after communion was over. We got a fucking pizza waiting at Palermo's. So, what did a week look like? I don't know anything about it. Did you wear the shirt?

The white shirt with the black tie? The best is just hearing people's preconceived notions about it. A bunch of idiots. No premarital sex, and only fuck live chickens. Were you and the Blues Brothers? Did you get baptized

in like a pond or something? I got baptized in an above ground pool. At the New Haven Coliseum. At the New Haven Coliseum. They have an above ground pool at the New Haven Coliseum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, all the money these fucking Jehovah's Witness have,

all this land in Dumbo, you can't get an in-ground pool to get dunked in. Yeah, baptized me in the fucking East River. Yeah, do something. You got to bring your own water. Bring my own water! I got baptized in the dunk tank at the county fair. Get in a curve ball on him though.

I'll tell you that. People waiting. They get baptized. All wearing short sleeve white collar shirts. These nerds can't hit anything. Gang, I don't know about you, but when something breaks over at my house, I fix it. I don't care if that's a clog in the sink,

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Real quick, I want to talk to you about the good time Uncle Hank and the Kipster have in there on the stereo app every Thursday night at nine o'clock. We're chopping it up with you folks. It's a little bit of an after party. The free episode comes out on iTunes, Spotify,

you get that. And then this is the after party where you can come. We're answering your questions live on the live stream. You record them. You send them in to us. We play them. We answer them. We make funny. We make fun of ourselves. Super fun. I have a couple of beers. It's a good time, baby. Go to stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash H. Foley.

The link will be in the description. We get to wet our beaks a little bit. Free to download. Easy peasy. See you there. Now back to the show. Holy shit. I got it. What's like a week? So a week is

so Sunday you would have two meetings and they're back to back. So you can like once an hour and a half, the next one's an hour and a half. So it's basically you're sitting. Pitching? What's going on here? It's like a church service. So they don't call it a church. It's a kingdom hall. So I went to a kingdom hall

in Lewisboro, New York. It was a justice league. Right over the border. Yeah, right? Sit next to the green lamp. I'm sorry. This is terrible. We're having a good time here. So Sunday morning was three hour church service

and then we would have to go out and knock on doors after that for another two hours. So Sunday was fucking gone. All in that same neighborhood? Yeah, hold on. Aren't these people you know? Who do I know? People in your neighborhood I would assume. Where are you knocking? So you get like a territory map.

So like my congregation had people who had like five towns. So we would go knocking on doors in Ridgefield, New Canaan, Lewisboro, where I grew up in Connecticut was right on the border of New York states or West Chester's right over the border.

So there was like five different towns that we would get like a territory map like a one or two mile radius and you basically just hit every fucking house in that territory map and then if somebody's home and they are into it, which is very rare

you keep going back your goal is to flip them. So you know you're basically proselytizing seems like a lot of manpower for not a lot of results. Yeah, who would go out there? So you do the two meetings on Sunday who's driving you and what age do you get to start knocking on doors?

I was going out knocking on door with my parents from the time I was six years old. So not even saying anything just bat my eyelashes and holding out a pamphlet and no one's gonna slam a door on a mustache.

Please my kids fucked up, we need you to help. Just join the fucking church will you? Promo fucking bone. When did they let you start leading the pitch? When did you get to become the Jerry Maguire? Who's coming with me? Help me, help you. Holy shit.

It's unbaffled. Did you ever get anybody? I never got anybody. I had a few people that I think took pity on me and would extend the conversation or so. Yeah, exactly. Do you ever buy yourself, right? No. So you get broken up into car groups

usually of like four or five people and you just drive around as a kid you're stuck in the fucking backseat between two other Bible thumpers and you're just driving around door to door. Would they hit a Mickey D's or something like that? Yeah, that was the only saving grace when you had a coffee break

at around 11 a.m. It's like Amway Scientology. Fully would definitely fall for it if you were like, hey listen, you'll get a new shirt and we'll go for a walk and we'll stop at McDonald's. I told you the Scientologist almost got me and my buddy Shreiner out in Seattle one time.

Dude, we were this close. I was starting to shave in my head. I was fucking in. They sent some fucking dime piece in. If you're named Shreiner, you might as well have a target on your back, right? Right? Yeah. Jesus. They sent some smoke show in an old sound.

I was fucking like, yeah, let's do it. Okay, here we go. I was ready to grab the things and do it. But nobody wants to hear this shit. So basically what you're doing is you're going around and you're telling people, they call it spreading the good news. So they think that they have a positive message.

But it's like fire and brimstone, right? What you're basically telling people is you need to become a Jehovah's Witness. You need to become a faithful servant of Jehovah. Or when Armageddon comes, which they have been telling people for the better part of a century, is around the fucking corner.

When Armageddon comes... When Armageddon comes, you're doomed. So that's basically the message that you're telling people when you knock on their door. So nobody wants to hear that. Sunday. And you're knocking on door early, dude. Like you would start...

I got the game on. I think it's back again. Close the blinds. I got a nickel in the joints. I got to deal with this game with a mustache. Let's go. So I grew up near Clearwater, which is the headquarters for Scientology.

We call them all Sinos. Were there any names thrown your way specific for Jehovah's Witness? Was anybody mean to you? Get the fuck out of here. You're all gonna burn in hell. I remember being 12 with a bullet gun on me.

And this was enriched as a bougie town. And I got through my whole spiel like, hey, we're doing a Bible-based volunteer work this morning, spreading the good news of Jehovah's... I'll kill you. And the guy was like, I'm gonna give you two minutes to get this car out of my driveway or I'm getting my shotgun.

And I was like, gotcha. Check, please. Two minutes is pretty good. I just picture the guy inside fumbling shells and shit trying. Hey, where the fuck's the... I hope the starter's working on the car. I'm just taunting him standing

right at the end of the driveway. You're like 90, 91. This mailbox. Not touching you, not touching you. Holy shit. I had people... I had somebody release their... basically sick their German Shepherd on me once and I had to sprint to the car to get away from that.

Those dogs, they scare me even when I see them on TV. Now, were you given the full court press because I think I do remember once and it was... No, we're not interested. That was if they walked away. Did you have people that were like... Oh, dude, they coach you in terms of overcoming every kind of rejection.

If somebody says they're Jewish, you gotta line for that. If somebody says they're not interested... Hey, not everybody's perfect. Well, you folks have a good time in hell. Really? I don't even see your horns. Holy shit. So there's a line for everything. Oh, what did they tell you you're Jewish?

I don't even fucking remember, dude. I was... You start talking Jewish? Hello! Shabbat shalom! Turn your hat on backwards. But, yeah, it's just... it's constant rejection, but you're prepared for everything that they throw at you.

Prepare you for stand-up comedy, huh? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I hated going around knocking on doors, obviously. What, as a 12-year-old kid? I wouldn't fucking be a paper boy. Right, yeah. So I had a system when I was able to...

I was never in a car driving around house to house on my own, because I would never do that. It was always obligatory. But when I was in a car group, when I was a teenager, I would be able to get out of the car, go up to the house by myself, give a knock, or ring the doorbell. And my move was if this bottle caps

the doorbell, I just put my finger right next to the doorbell, you know? Or if you knock, you know, you just hover your knuckles right above the door. And it's like, oh, no one's home, you know? Look at you, working from the inside. Yeah. They've danced to the door. He's like,

listen, I don't want anything. I just have to act like I'm talking to you. Just nod your head. Take the paper and then close the door. Can you shake a nerve? I'll never be there. So when did you sit? The reason I was asking you? I'm bathed. This is wild.

Fucking bananas. And also, like, I waited eight minutes to drop them, Joe. I know. I don't want you to stick your dog on me, you know? We throw you out. I got PTSD. Kim, give him three minutes, though.

I like a fair fight. Two minutes. You got two seconds to get the fuck out of here. So this is going to be a... I'm going to give you 45 minutes to get the hell out of here. Once again, the question is going to be unique. What were the rules of, like, that the household had to be?

Like you said, you know, were you allowed to have certain things, not certain things in the household? Have you ever seen the A-team? I haven't. I know of it, but I've never seen it. So basically, it's a Bible-based religion.

Old Testament or New Testament? Both. It's a combination. So they use a Bible called the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures. So Old and New Testament. I have that album. I liked the earlier stuff.

It's a double. Too many skits. An intro and outro on each disc. Those are Pete Holmes in that? Wow. So they take the Bible at face value. So, like, so... No...

It's entirely based on restriction. So no holidays at all growing up. No Christmas. No birthdays. Not even my own birthday. No Halloween. No Thanksgiving. I was going to ask if you ever had a Henna tattoo. I'll take that as a no. Wait, and now we know how your old man

afforded the house to live in a nice neighborhood. He never had to drop anything on fucking Christmas presents or nothing. Think of how much they stayed. No birthdays. Think about what they saved on Halloween camp. Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

So I was one of the... I was one of the few kids in my congregation that was allowed to go to public school. And it's not because my parents thought I should. It's because they were too fucking old and lazy to want to do the homeschooling thing. Wait, so your brother and sister's homeschooled?

They weren't. No, they also went to public school. But a lot of my friends growing up were were homeschooled because it's all about keeping you from keeping you stupid. Wasn't there like a Jehovah's Witness school? There wasn't. Like a Catholic school? No.

It was all homeschooled. You think there would be, yeah. Damn, fuck that. So they want to keep you from being exposed to any outside influence. Were you allowed to do it? What if you wanted to go over... That was the thing I wanted to ask you about to going around door to door. Wouldn't you knock on somebody's door

and say, Lucky, what are you doing here? What are you fucking at my house for? That's the thing. I grew up in Ridgefield. We had territories in five different towns. So I would pray every time that we wouldn't be going around knocking on doors in Ridgefield. Some hot chick from high school? Exactly.

And it would happen sometime in... It happens. Maybe a turner. And they're like, what are you doing here? And you're like, I'm a registered sex offender. I thought this was Tommy's house. I'll see you now. I'll see you in Trigonometry on Monday. The truth is, I was looking around here looting him siding, and hey, you don't want to get stuck

out in the rain with that, I'll tell you. I used to sell roofs and siding in a windows door to door. I thought that was bad. This is tough. Out of my... Don't knock on fucking Foldy's door up there. So most kids honestly felt bad for me. I really didn't get made in front of a lot.

There was one kid who was an asshole who was on my bus and I wound up knocking on his door and I knew that it was his house because he was on my bus route. And so we were driving around his neighborhood one day and it was, you know, you go like every other, it's like round robin in the car. You didn't tell your mom, look, it's fucking

Nikki's house. I don't want to go knocking on the door. I did. And she was like, what? What are you ashamed? Why are you ashamed? You have an opportunity to tell him something that could save his life. You know? That was her philosophy. You're doing him a favor by saving him from Armageddon.

So I had to go to this kid's door. Have a cup of coffee. Holy shit. Man, that's tough. Take a swim, will you? You got five acres. Take a walk on your head. That's tough, man.

CBD came out 20 years too late. That's cussy dreams, huh? Smokable CBD for when the Armageddon arrived. Chick needs a chai tea and an Eddie. Jesus Christ. Holy crap.

Holy fuck. So this kid, I remember the walk up to his door, just being like, God, I hope he's not home. Man, he's got the bad. He answers the door, he's like, Doug, what the fuck are you doing?

I was like, hi. Cat was out of the bag. I owe you. I thought the eagle was covered. Aw, man. So he called me Jehovah boy for the rest of the week. Stop it. Pretty cool

superhero sidekick, if you ask me, right? Jehovah boy rival man. Getting the shit kicked out of him in the neighborhood. I would have gone with Bond Jehovah. That's why he's good. Shout out to McMuffin. Holy fuck. This is fucking

crazy. That's bananas, man. Yeah. The best time ever going outdoor to door, though, was I was with my mom and I knocked on the door and this woman around my mom's age answered the door and I went through my whole spiel

and she was very polite, nodding and smiling, listening to me, and then she just looks at my mom, looks at me, looks back at my mom, she's like, it's 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning. Wouldn't she rather be at home watching cartoons, eating a bowl of cereal? To this, to you? Yeah.

She's turning you. And I was like, I didn't know what to say, and my mom was like, well, actually, he enjoys this. This is a volunteer work. He has an opportunity here to spread the good news. Hey, Mike, keep your mouth shut. What are you talking about, yellow sugar smacks? Can you be my mom? Yeah. Holy fuck, dude. Yeah.

At what age did you get out of it? So, I was, uh, he hands us a pamphlet. Yeah, I locked the door. Now that I'm here, now that I got your attention, um, so

three meetings, three meetings a week, Tuesday, uh, Tuesday night was a, was a Bible study at our house, so people would have to volunteer to have a part of their house. Yeah. From the time I was born until I was 20 years old.

No sports, no school dances, couldn't go over to house, uh, anybody's house, anybody that I want school with. You look like you have a tear running down your eyes. Hey, hold on, hold on a second. Friday night, you can't go stay at fucking Rayling's house or whoever. No. Can't go to games? Nope. Nope.

I could only hang out with other Jehovah's Witness kids. Ah, what'd you guys do? It was in solitary. What'd you guys do? Just draw hitlin' mustache. Just work on your pictures. Work on your publications. Work on your pictures with each other. Yeah.

Damn, dude. What the fuck? It was brutal. But at the same time, I mean, it definitely sucked, but I was I was raised that way, so I didn't really it's not like I had holidays and they were taken away from me. Sure, you didn't really know any different. But you were showing up to fucking school

and fucking, uh, you know, me and Kippy got two Ninja Turtles in our hands and fucking pepperoni all over our face. We got fucking Ecto Coolers for lunch we're having a good time. We're talking about some tiddy we saw in Miami Vites last night. Aren't you like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I still watch Scrambled Porn too. I mean, you know, he's not an animal. You get away with as much as you can. Yeah, you're still a kid. When you get caught, you would have been done. Oh, yeah, complete, yeah, total castration. Burned at the stake. But like, you remember in school when a kid

would have a birthday bringing cupcakes, past around cupcakes. I had to leave the fucking classroom and go sit in the library by myself until the birthday celebration was over. Pledge of Allegiance. Joe's witnesses are neutral. So Pledge of Allegiance. I just had to fucking stand there with my

hands at my side. First day at kindergarten looking like fucking Colin Kaepernick. Sounds like some commie bullshit. Somewhere else. I ain't fucking happy. Tell my old man that he can't my dad pledges allegiance to the flag every morning in the living room. Holy dude, that's

that makes me sad. Yeah. Plus those fucking homemade cupcakes back in the day, man, when somebody's mom would do them right. That's what you're upset about. Oh, they were fantastic. You didn't get imaginary cupcakes and that's what you're upset about. In this scenario, you didn't get cupcakes. I'm saying I feel bad for Smith

that he missed out on that chick. Some of those moms back in the day, they knew what they were doing around the oven. Eat the cupcake anyway. Strike me down, Jehovah. It's too good. Would you? No, I wouldn't but I would have kids, you know, like I said, kids felt bad for me. I didn't get bullied because

it was like too far. Yeah, it was too much, man. Alright, we're going to take it easy on this kid. So kids would actually like save me a little corner of their cupcake or even like save the wrapper. Do you have it or no? To this day, I still will just like suck on the cupcake wrapper because that's what like that's what my

first birthday cupcake ever was. We're just sucking the chocolate crumbs out of a wrapper. Thanks for coming by. This guy just got out of Shawshank. And for that day, I was not even a Jehovah's Witness. It was just like I was a regular guy.

I just quit the grocery store. I'm hanging myself tight. Doug was here. Fucking Bruxy over here. Take it easy. I just like the structure. Yeah. This is are you garbage not are you suicide?

Maybe don't rob the big sale and they'll send me back. Dude, what the fuck, man? Okay, but what was your first what was your first Christmas like though once you were out? It was horrible because I had you know what he was doing? Because I over

got the tree in the kitchen. The fucking lights are in. Got a menorah going. There's no what's up. Took him two weeks to wrap the presents. It's got nothing. Stockings are hung upside down. Holy shit, man. Scared of the

Scrooge. What the fuck? Stockings are full of cum. I can finally jack off. Oh, yeah. My first Christmas was I was 21. As a 21 year old, I spent $600 on presents for my family. Wait a minute.

No, no, no. Because they were all out. Let's back that up. That's okay. Three meetings a week. None of the shit that most kids have and enjoy. When I was 17, my mom

died of a brain aneurysm. So she was the one who was... Shit. You gotta warm me to shit, doggy. I know. You're fucking... Your ropidopa is really good here. What the fuck?

Rumble in the jungle. I don't know what the fuck's happening. Hey, I'm from Connecticut, by the way. Strap in, boys. This is a fucking... This guy's bonkers. You have it right around in the minivan on a Sunday morning. Checked up on coffee. This is a fun one.

All right. So your mom passes when you're 17. She does when I'm 17. And she was the one that was... She was the one driving the bus. Yeah, exactly. So my dad and I, we kept it up for another three years

because it's your world. You can't just... When you're in it, you are taken care of. Again, similar to Hasidic Jews. You're sick. They'll help you pay your medical bills. They'll watch a kid for you. They'll bring you meals like you were taken care of.

Really? How's the food? My mom couldn't cook worth a shit. Eventually it was all bland, like... I mean, I had old parents, so they ate like they survived the depression. Everything was boiled. So...

Couple of slices. It's fucking nuts here. Fuck. But when you're out, you're completely ostracized. Sure, I bet. So my dad and I, even though technically my mom's out of the picture,

I have carte blanche to do what I want. I have my freedom, so to speak. That was my world, for fucking 17 years. Did your brothers and your older siblings, did they continue to practice it? No, so they all... So my whole childhood

was watching them one after another leave. And watching my mom just heartbroken every time, because it was so important to her. Would she still talk to them and stuff like that? Would you still see them? Not so much.

So even my own siblings, once they were out, it was very... very few and far between. Jesus. The three of them left one after another. Left the church. Yeah, exactly. So if I left, it would have been...

You knew there was more prison shakin'. Prison shakin'. But you knew in the back of your head, you were like, I'm not fucking doing this forever. I did, yes. So once I was 15 and... No parties, no football games,

what about going to the movies with your friends? Not even, dude. I used to feel so guilty. Movies with his friends? What are you talking about? He had his first Christmas in 21 movies with his friends. Kid, they even have birthdays. The fuck is a movie, dude?

Also, I love how, like, John Q. America's heads exploding. He saw Footloose and was like, what is the documentary? No Kevin Bacon. I'm out. Holy shit. So you're in high school. You're in high school experience.

Oh, it was awful. There was none. Dude, I'm a mate. He was waiting in the library when the cupcakes came around. What? He's getting fucking... He's getting a second base under the bleachers? No! Dude, I used to feel so guilty

about masturbating. Because even masturbating, like, so frowned upon. Shamed for even having thoughts. But I used to feel so guilty about masturbating. Every time I did it, I used to put... I would put $5 in a jar.

That might be broke. Jesus Christ. I'd be picking up chips at the fucking warehouse. I'd be able to buy those five acres in two seconds. I'm sorry. So five bucks in a jar to keep? No, to donate to the church. Because that's...

The entire organization is funded by... By masturbation. Dude, I single-handedly built five fucking kingdom halls. How do you think they got that? Property in Dumbo. You're welcome, you ingrates. Damn.

So I worked after-school jobs. From the day I turned 16, my mom drove me into the middle of town. Had no idea what we were doing. We were just running errands. She pulled up in the middle of town, Main Street. I'm gonna pick you up in two hours. You better have a job by then.

And I got a job at an office supply store. And I worked all through high school. And like you said, all of my fucking money went into the jerk-off fund. All of it. I can't believe you're as normal as I've known you. How'd you land on five bucks, too? It was like a notebook.

I got a hundred, it's gonna be a long week. That's what I wanna know. How do you put a nominal fee on it? Must have a pretty nice piece. If I saw some scrambled porn the night before, I'd have to put in a double shift. I'd only pay $1.50 for my unit. I'll tell you that right now.

I got the $5 dick, I'll tell you that. I started edging from an early age to save a couple bucks. It doesn't count, big man. I never pulled a trigger. Damn, dude. Yeah. So when...

Your mom passes, you're 17. She passes, I'm 17. My dad and I keep it up for another three years. Even though we both, when she dies, he had been sober for... He had been sober for about 30 years. He went completely off the rails. I love that.

I like the romance of that. I did, too. My first drink was after my mom's funeral. I just got fucking hammered on Mike's hard lemonade. And so my dad and I... Hold on a second. He didn't even do that right. Who's fucking serving Mike's hard lemonade?

You drink like a girl! Who's serving Mike's hard lemonade in a funeral? Where was it? Cancun? What the fuck's going on? The blood lights get to go to the library. It's kind of a celebration, if I'm being honest. They got a spirit of ice in the casket? Hey, you got ice!

Wait, so when she passed, did you know, like, all right, I'm going... Obviously, you're not going to, like, rip it right off. But you're like, I'm going to slowly start my descent. Like, I'm going to go to two services a week, or whatever. Yeah. I already started questioning things when I was, like, 15. You're still in high school.

The next fucking party that weekend, I'm going. Movies, candy, fucking all that stuff. Yeah. I didn't think it was the bucket list. The amount of fucking guilt that I had, thinking that I had to maintain it and keep doing it out of respect for her,

you know, at all... The amount of pressure that I had put on me to be the only one of her kids that didn't, you know, fall by the wayside, you know. Is it going to burn in hell for all eternity? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, dude, she was into it, you know. She was not a casual member.

That's nuts. I remember being, like, seven in church, being like, you fucking people. It didn't even click then for me. I was like, I'm just doing this until I don't have to anymore. I'm like, you guys really all believe this? Yeah. That's why I feel like I'm so good at coping with boredom,

because I would sit through nine hours of church services a week. So, like, and two of them are at night. So, like, Tuesday, Thursday, you know, you get half your homework done, then you got to fucking suit up, go to the Kingdom Hall.

You're there for three hours. You got to come home, try to finish your fucking homework. And so I used to be so bored at the meetings. We had, you know, these Bibles that were this thick, with, like, a string bookmark, and I would just, you know, tune out the second the... There was no priest. There was, like,

elders in the congregation. And I would tune out to the point that I would just, like, take the bookmark string and put it in my mouth, and just, like, swallow it all the way to the... all the way to the base of the shaft, basically, and then just, like, slowly pull it out. Like, this is the shit that I resorted to

to pass the time during the meetings, you know? It's like, guys who fall in love with the torture. I'm not going to be a jovo, but I do have a future in porno, you know? Just deep throat in this bookmark.

It's kids eating rulers. Dude, that's crazy. Oh, and that's another thing. So I was doing that also from an early age. So everybody in the congregation, it's like I said, it's not just one priest, giving sermons to the congregation. So my first

sermon to the congregation was when I was eight years old. Wasn't even tall enough to reach the microphone at the podium. Pull out a literal soapbox. My Down syndrome joke. It's killing. And I did that

all through my childhood, teenage years, too, and I was good at it. And I had elders come up to me being like, hey, you should, you know, they have these things called circuit overseers, which are basically like the best speakers for elders. They go around. They're basically homeless.

They're like religious troubadours, so to speak. They basically just bounce around from congregation to congregation, getting talks. And they were trying to groom me to be one of those guys. So that's why, you know, I never had a fear of public speaking because I was in it.

And faced rejection door to door for fucking years. So yeah, my dad and I were both just huge fucking booze bags for three years. And, you know, totally enabling each other. From 17 to 21. 17 to 20, yeah.

What about college? Did you take the SATs? I did, yeah. I know that's a big question. 1080. It's pretty good. It's not bad because I never, again, Joe's witnesses aren't allowed to go to college.

Wait, what? Yeah, because again, you know, you're mingling with... I was licking cupcakes. What don't you get? Can't go to college? What about Phoenix online? I'd rather be a Jehovah.

Holy shit. He was Connecticut Amish, dude. He bowed on the boards, baby. Amish with a bow tie. It's coming in high. Dude. I'm fucking floored. I had subwoofers in the back of my horse and buggy.

All right, so 21. You're 20 years old. 20 years old. So I was able to convince my dad to let me go to art school with the caveat that I would commute from home. So I wasn't allowed to live on campus.

I wasn't allowed to... It's gonna be tasteful. It's gonna be tasteful. So I went to school of visual arts on 23rd Street, but I commuted from home every day. It's like hour and a half each way. So three hours round trip.

It's not the college experience. It was fucking awful. I dropped out after two years. You ever staying in the city one night or two with some friends? No. I was still a good boy. No sex.

I didn't lose my virginity till I was 21. You know, the solid year after I left. Keep in mind, you have your... He has like no real... He can't close. I mean, come on, it's his first day at the big game. I rang your doorbell. I got nothing.

What do you mean? Can I tell you about the Armageddon in my pants? Good news, folks. Oh, God. You want to see the body of Doug? Nothing on that? Come on. I'm fucking baffled. This put us through the ringer.

I had so many questions. Have you ever owned a pinball machine? I was going to honestly... Have you ever owned an old Navy performance, please? None of this shit. I was going to say, what do you think about baby bell cheese? It's like a lake of fire boy over here. Holy shit.

Holy fire. Holy fuck, man. Oh, my God. Is your pop still with us? Is he still alive? No. He passed. Oh, he's still with us. He's going to be 90 in June. He's fucking drinking and fucking... He's like a mad man up there on those acres.

Is he still boozing or did he get back on the wagon? He's still boozing. He's still bad. Every time I call him, I hear the ice cubes clicking around. So tell us the exodus of the church. And then we're going to ask you some Mario garbage questions. We're going to try to. Have you ever seen a television? Have you ever drank coffee?

I think that's Mormons as well as the cats. I feel like I'm talking to Kenneth from 30 Rock over here. Fucking guy. Dude, this story is... Have you talked about this before? Dude, I thought you were going to say, fucking lacrosse team. Fucking gorgeous kid. I was banging four teachers at a time.

I drove a Shirako. I don't know, stopped it, man. I worked at a cold stone. I was fucking the owner. Dude, do you talk about this on stage a lot or no? I was going to say, because it's never been like... No, you don't. I have.

No one's ever been like, you hear Doug's bit about being the jaholt. You know what I mean? You have other keystone bits that people... As I'm sure you can tell from this conversation, it's too much to do a couple of random jokes. It's a lot to unpack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never let you get out of there.

My goal before the pandemic was to do just an out-like a one-man show type. Like a one-man show type. Just about that. Which I'm actually now turning into a podcast where I basically start out with a story and basically interview another guest about their childhood and all the shit

that I missed out on. That's fantastic. It was such a wild story. I don't mean to tell you, it was fucking awesome. It was fantastic. Fucking roller coasters and fucking nerds and fun dip and all nine yards. Man.

Yeah, I got none of that. So I basically... I did it for as long as I fucking could. That three-year period from 17 to 20 was just fucking miserable. Just drunk and fucking sad. And... And you weren't supposed to be drinking, right?

No. We were on the low. Don't tell anybody about this. We used to get hammered and then do a fucking coin toss to see who was going to drive to the Kingdom Hall. Because we were both fucking hand-boned. That's pretty great. That's pretty rockstar.

And did you say you were both hand-boned? What a fucking line. That fucking rule. Yo, Kippy just lifted that. That's a Kippy original. T-bone cut to cut that out. This kid's hand-bone. Make a soup out of that. Hand-boned.

I'm getting hand-boned this weekend for sure. I'm getting hand-boned tonight. You can't. You're on your heart medication. God damn it. I'm like a Jehovah's Witness. I can't do anything about it. God damn heart medication. Pastions. Alright, the exodus.

I reached a breaking point. I couldn't do it anymore. I was commuting to fucking SVA every day. I was like one of those typical commuter assholes getting drunk with young, tall boys on my ride home every day. Let me see. I'm starting to keep interrupting you. If you guys were breaking the rules drinking, why was your dad busting your balls

about fucking commuting to school if he was breaking the rules already too? Again, it wasn't just him. It was me thinking I was doing the right thing. I found a little loophole in the system. I'm technically attending classes, but I'm not being immersed in the college experience.

I'm still keeping myself sheltered from the outside world. Other kids are like, dude, we're going to fucking Spooners later. You want to come and hang out? Well, that's a good thing about art school. It's just a bunch of doors. I was in an animation program. I was like 98% Korean girls, and they're listening.

These guys are getting lazy. Korean collards. Good night. It's not, you know, art school is not, it's not like being on a normal page. You want to fucking the University of Miami or something like that.

Exactly. So I reached a breaking point. I sat my dad down one night after dinner, and I was like, uh, I was like, dad, after some nice boiled meat in two cases of beer. What's your dad drink? After some boiled ham

in three cases of art. Some twisted tea in a boot. He was a Canadian whiskey guy. Nice. I was anything guy. Do you drink now still? I don't. I quit drinking about a year and a half ago. But I threw down fucking hard

for 20 years to make out. I remember you boozing. I remember you boozing at the clubs when we were working together. I always have a fucking... It was something on the rocks. It was like a whiskey or something on the rocks. He went right into it. He just went 1,000 yards there.

He was like, yeah, I did. I always think about that. Because I'd be like, how many get a corona? He'd be like, give me a double knee. Give me a double telly, boy, neat. Yeah, I made up for lost time, for sure. So I sat him down. I was like, dad, I got to tell you something.

You know, I'm already all emotional. I got tears streaming down my face because I'm worried that he is gonna... He's gonna be distraught, you know? And I was like, I got to tell you something. And he goes, I think I know what it is. And I was like, you do? He's like, you're gay.

You're not gay, you go to art school. So I was like, I got to tell you something. He's like, I think I know what it is. And I was like, you do? He's like, you don't want to do this anymore. And I was like, how'd you know? He's like, shit, I don't want to do this anymore either. You've been doing that still, doc?

Jesus Christ, I haven't done that shit in years. Wait, you still been going? He's chopping up coke at the table. He's got a four loco. Live it up, you bitch. Fucking face tattoo. Okay. So it was, to this day,

it's the closest moment my dad and I have ever had. Sure, I imagine. Big embrace, huge, just the most relief I've ever felt in my entire life. Just knowing that we were on the same page, like, all right, we don't have to do this anymore. We did this for three years, thinking it was the right thing, but we're gonna fucking blow our brains out

if we keep this up. So we just kind of stopped going to meetings. And started going to AA meetings. Yeah. Listen, it meets in a church and I don't do it. What they call them, they don't let you walk away, right? They kept after us for a little while. Wow.

But, you know, it wasn't like a hard and fast line drawn in the sand, like, we're fucked, you, we're done with this. We kind of just kind of tapered off a little bit, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Less and less meetings and they finally, I don't think anybody could blame us, you know what I mean? Because my mom was so in it

and they knew that, they knew that our, you know, they saw us showing up at the Kingdom Hall hammered for the last three years. So they weren't, you know, they weren't sure. Oh, they knew you were, this kept it under wraps. Yeah, they knew we were just going through the motions. So nobody was really that surprised, you know what I mean?

What was the first thing you did, like when, I know you said it wasn't hard and fast, but like, in your head it is. In your head it's like, oh my god, I don't have to do this anymore. Like, what's the first thing you did? I mean, how much time we got left? Because this is... The floor is yours.

So one of my... We have an eternity in hell apparently. So take your time. You can kick me out of here, but watch your ass. I'll keep knocking. So one of my friends in the congregation who I'm still friends with The building's gonna get pissed, we let him in.

Yeah, what you leave here? The door, yeah. I'm gonna have to walk him out the front. The door man's gonna be like, fucking kippy. Who let the Jove is witnessing? This kid tried to flip me on the way in. Hey, Hector, have you heard the good news? I love that you're catching on quick.

I love that you used the phrase flipping. That's real Bon Jovi fucking lego. That's not the Old Testament. Who does that fucking Joe Pesci to the Romans? What you want to do is flip them. Come on. How dumb are you to walk out? That was gold.

It was a little... It was a little wordy. Joe Pesci to the Romans. Tebow, where you at over here? Dude, I thought that was gonna be a showstopper. I can tell. I thought the lights were gonna pop out on that. It did stop it just the wrong way.

I think Doug just laughed to be nice. It's like you mixed up five genres of nine movies. I know what was going on. I still don't know what movies are, so I'm just taking your word for it. Joe Pesci. Who the fuck is Joe Pesci? Is that like in Connecticut? All right, all right, all right, all right.

Back at it, holy shit. So one of my buddies in the congregation. Big shout out to Matt. Still one of my best buddies. Mattie! He kind of had his... He kind of had his toe dipped in the water of the outside world from a much earlier age.

His story is nuts, dude. I can't believe we had none. He was coming up like, so what do you know about Doug? Where's Brian? Dude, Jesus Christ. I only know the one story. I know the one Doug Smith story that we haven't even gotten to. It's not even close.

My heathen life is a completely separate chapter. My heathen life. I can't wait to hear about you going on rum sprints. Fucking Doug Smith straight to Hell Tour. Well, this is it. This is what we're getting to.

All right, so my buddy Matt, he had been working in the restaurant business since he was like 15, started out as like a bar back. He was always a good cook, though, and so he wanted to work his way up in the culinary world.

So he worked at various restaurants in Westchester. He was a manager at once, and I always kind of looked up to him because he was successfully living a double life. He was drinking, doing coke. He was banging the fucking manager of this restaurant, this woman who was married with three kids,

banging her in her office. You're in a paper supply store. So I fucking idolized this dude. I was like, all right, if he can do it, maybe if I finally get the balls. So then when I left when I left Jehovah's Witnesses, when I left San Diego,

I needed to get the fuck out of my parents' house. I needed to get out of the congregation. I just needed to get away, you know? So he was like, come out to San Diego. It's beautiful here. We live two blocks from Pacific Beach. Come check it out. If you want to move in with us,

he was living with another guy that he met. You're welcome to. So I go out there. He picks me up from the airport. He's acting super squirrely. He's pulling on the side. To pick you up from the airport? I was just like thrown to the wolves, dude.

I had never seen cocaine before. I hadn't seen him. He had been living out there for like a year. So I had no idea how the extent to which he went off the rails, you know? So I get. Got on the rails. So I get to their apartment

and it is the worst squalor I've ever seen in my life. It looks like you know how West Coast apartment complexes are. It's a single story, kind of horseshoe shaped complex. Wall to wall carpeting.

The sink was just loaded with dishes, flies everywhere. Like thick shag carpet in the living room just covered in weed residue. Just, you know, like beer cans with the beer can bong things littered

around. It was bong water. Disgusting. Just a fucking squalor. Their electricity had gotten shut off because they hadn't paid the electric bill. They were living by candlelight. What the fuck, you got an ounce? You gotta keep the fucking heat on it. At least a little bit of cash.

Let the product do the talking. You got the salesman experience. So as soon as I get there they're like, what do you think this plays a real shit hole, right? And I was like, yeah, it's kind of gross. They're like, yeah, we're going to set it on fire and collect renters insurance. It's like a running joke all week.

We just got a $25,000 renters insurance policy. And it was, you know, we were laughing about it all week. Meanwhile, you got a guy in the biz. Your dad could have fucking helped you out too a little bit. Right? Yeah. So, it was a great week because, you know, just boozing.

I didn't do COVID. I smoked weed for the first time out of a spray can. Felt like a fucking shotgun blasted along. But I was hooked on weed immediately. So I was just getting high as fuck every day. It's like training day. Yeah. Going to the beach every day.

Not what you know, it's what you can prove. Talking about going to see the free wise men, huh? Yeah. So, his roommate, JC, he's also one. Sounds respectable. Yeah. By the way, the first, I know of this guy,

I walk in and on their coffee table, there's like three Polaroids with a huge dick. And I was like, what are these? He's like, that's JC, that's JC, my roommate. And I flip over the Polaroid and a phone number is written on the back of the Polaroid. And Matt was like, yeah, JC likes to go to bars

and slip these in women's purses. That was his pickup strategy. Don't talk to a girl. Take a Polaroid of your dick, write your phone number on the back and slip it in a woman's purse. Holy, they got the piece on the bed right there. That leaves the product, right? So I see this dude's dick before he even emerges

from the room. So he's already got a reputation. Good things. Your first taste of the outside world is exactly what your mom thought it was. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it was, yeah. Your mom was right.

So it's a great week. I'm like, this is paradise. I'm hanging out on the beach, getting plastered every day, smoking weed. They're working during the day, we hang out at night. And then finally, I'm sitting on the couch one morning eating cereal, watching TV.

And the front door swings open and J.C. is standing there in a suit. And he's like back lit from, I remember just like seeing his silhouette and he's like back lit from the sun and he's holding the gas tank from his motorcycle. Oh my God.

Holding it like a football and he walks in through the kitchen and I was like, what's going on, man? He's like, pack your shit, man, it's going down. And I was like, hey, right, right. He's like, I'm serious, man. I'm torched in this place. And I was like, what?

He's like, I'm serious, man, pack your shit, it's going down. And I'm sitting there and I watch him walk over, keep in mind the electricity is shut off. They're going by candlelight for a full fucking week. What the fuck? I watched this dude douse a fucking laundry basket

in gasoline, shove it into the closet. And he's like, dude, pack your shit, I'm doing it. So I pack my stuff and then I'm like, all right, hold on. I don't want to be an accomplice here but I also don't want it to be obvious that there's arson going on, right? So my genius idea

I grab a roll of toilet paper and like a fuse, I just toilet paper the whole inside of the apartment because I'm thinking, all right, if they're going to torch this place they might as well do it right, you know? So I toilet paper the whole inside of the apartment and then right before he strikes the match

it probably isn't a good idea because if this doesn't burn it's going to be pretty it's going to be pretty suspicious, you know? So I quickly like take it down and he fucking strikes a match, tosses it in the laundry basket I hop on the fucking beach cruiser with my duffle bag and I'm riding out to the beach

and my heart is pounding out of my chest I'm just hanging on the beach and sure enough within 10 minutes just sirens galore and I call Matt and I was like dude, JC did it

I didn't want to like say over the phone JC did it I kinda wish you weren't telling us Yeah, right? What's the statute of limitations in California? I don't know So there was just like a silence on the phone

I didn't need to elaborate at all he's like, all right, I'll be there in 20 minutes and so there's and I was like what the damage is here I want to see him return to the scene of the crime So I hop on the beach cruiser and I go as

close as I can to see without actually getting spotted, keep in mind nobody knows I'm the, you know, I can't get pinched for anything Pinched for anything Kid learns quick Yeah, right? I ain't going back Grabbed a couple of JC's Polaroids

and I got the hell out of it Something to remember So I pedal over there and sure enough, there's a hole in the roof like the width of this room, you know, like a just huge hole in the roof

and there's like three fire trucks ambulance, cop cars they could have killed the entire part of the house but luckily they put it out and Matt has to like give this whole cop story to the cops

and basically they used that they were like listen, we our electricity went out, we were going by candlelight all week, one of the candles must have tipped over and that was another thing that JC did he took a stool and he tipped it over right next to the laundry basket with like a couple of candles near there

that I guess didn't burn so their whole story of a candle tipping over and igniting the place fucking worked even though they doused the thing with gasoline arson police didn't suspect a thing and they got fucking 25 grand and they

blew it in a matter of two months with trips to vegas on like cocaine and hookers so obviously I never moved to San Diego holy shit, can you say that publicly? the place I was going to live first in the last names this was like 15 years ago

I was 100 years ago, what are you talking about? this was in Cincinnati that's a hell of a screenplay you wrote there, Doug why you were in Hollywood holy shit yeah, wow

so that was uh that was my rum spring up for sure and then so you went back, so you go back home I was in San Diego it's hot there did you have a power wheels growing up? so it was a note of the henna tattoo

right? holy shit let's run through a couple as it is we got to I did tell that story, you remember Mark Norman and Matt Ruby had a podcast like 10 years ago we were all friends here, I remember telling that

on that and Jay Welch he was a lawyer and he came up to me afterwards you better find out what the statute of limitations is before you keep telling that story I hope well don't net Jesus I thought about googling it

we'll put our lawyers on it I was gonna google it but I'm not a lot of touch computers what are you gonna do let's just say if any listeners work in the San Diego PD be cool hold on we'll send you a couple of hoodies I got a deck of cards if you'll play ball

before we get to the questions let me give out the street address this guy's all over the fucking place you're fucking bonko man an answer to your question yes I had power wheels really? no

I mean I could still get toys it just couldn't be on a special occasion so did you have like a G.I. Joe's growing up and transformers yeah I had a couple of transformers who G.I. Joe's were you allowed to watch TV did you say I was but you know like no MTV

you know no music videos but you could watch Cartoon I wasn't allowed to watch Ren and Stimpy and now I know why I wouldn't let my kid watch Ren and Stimpy it's very edgy I haven't watched it I had to go back and put some new fresh eyes on it it's gruesome homoeroticism

is it? it's a ranchy show so yeah I was allowed to watch TV my mom I was allowed to buy music I read the liner notes of every CD that I brought home and if there was any curse words straight in the garbage

damn Sam Goody's down the block well you can't go back turn it I was a big rap fan as a teenager my mom found all my rap CDs and I was away one weekend like $400 worth of rap CDs made me throw all of them out damn

so you know I was allowed to live a somewhat secular life you know, parameters short movies this all culminates to that weekend in San Diego fuck

that's not an argument against organized religion I don't know what it is Jesus Christ I got one for you now what about now? what's the situation now? was your wife normal? yeah

she grew up do you have any of this? yeah but she had no idea the extent of this when we got together every time you have sex you put a 20 in a shoebox hahahaha hahahaha

hahahaha hahahaha where's my nest egg? I'm building churches over here every time he comes he starts bawling his eyes out and wants a Mike's Heart Lemonade I don't know what to do with this kid wow

I was only three years out when we got together so, you know, I've been in you know, you say I seem like a normal guy I've been in therapy for the last 12 years sure lots of anger, lots of resentment lots of feelings of feeling like I've lost out on a lot of time

well, it's a fucking big man rubbing it in, it doesn't help hahahaha you're telling me you never had nerd rope? I'm sorry you see, you don't eat peeps? wait, so you never had stuffed crust pizza? hahahaha

you never felt a boob in a roller skating party? hahahaha no, I was the best I'm sorry, I'm just so shocked seven minutes in heaven was just me alone jerking off and 55 bucks other people ate cupcakes

man I don't even know what to do sorry, I know that's more than you guys were bargaining fantastic I wish it was Sweep Sweep hahahaha I'm gonna put this out tonight at midnight hahahaha

have you ever bought pre-cut denim jeans? hahahaha what about now, what's the sit now TV with the whole nine yards, right? yeah, yeah, I mean, you know your kid has birthdays you do Christmas, you do all that stuff that's the great thing about having a kid

to kind of relive it watch him, enjoy all the shit that I wasn't allowed to have it doesn't make up for that but it's nice to be able to and the thought of putting him through that is fucking crazy the thought of

making him go to college it's fucking mind blowing so as great as it is to have a kid that I can let him experience that shit magnified even more how fucked up it was that my parents

did that so, man anyway hahahaha what's the name of that album again hahahaha holy shit let's just do some of the staples for now

so you got 1080 was the SATs yep do you have a passport? I do have a passport how old were you when you got that? nine missions? or vacation? no, we went to England when I was nine just for vacation what'd you do over there?

saw a bunch of fucking castles made some scones and clotted cream my grandma went to boarding school there so we visited the town she went to boarding school it was a horror, you know, when your nine years old English countryside is not the most thrilling trip no, not at all

better than your house in Connecticut though at least a change of scenery my dad both came from a little bit of scratch and nobody and their extended family like their parents were Jehovah's Witnesses what was the interaction with them what would happen when like your mom's parents would have

they thought she was fucking crazy so what happened when I was like hey, it's Thanksgiving and you're bringing the family over for Thanksgiving? no, I mean they knew that we couldn't do that but my grandfather and my aunt on my mom's side would

constantly busting her balls about it they thought she was out of her fucking mind when did you have your first Thanksgiving dinner? also when I was when I was 21 yeah I like how he's a new line of questioning and the answer is always when I was 21

my first birthday that I celebrated was my 21st birthday and I still didn't have a lot of friends outside of the Jehovah's Witness community so it was like my siblings some of their friends I got fucking hand-boned within

20 you know it was all like pre-game at the house we'll go out to a bar, you know it's a celebration I didn't even make it to the bar dude I woke up face down on the living room floor with half my head shaves a pierced ear and

dicks drawn all over my forehead yeah that was my first birthday that's the great what's the situation in the house now what's the snack situation over there snack situation

I don't even want to go with that I feel like we have to ask the questions but I mean you're garbage let me help you out I had a lava lamp my son has a lava lamp now how old is he he keeps his bum under the bed

fuck like I said I want him to have all this shit that I didn't have he keeps the butter on the counter and the fridge is it butter or is it margarine it's butter do you churn it yourself

what kind of car do you got a Honda Civic not too bad 2018 leased not bad though not pretty soon too would you get a 5 year lease so you should be getting a new whip

and it is banged up I'm really dreading turning that thing it's tough to have one in New York mine's fucking crumpled what's in the cup holder currently of your car cup holder currently of my car nothing but I always I'm surprised I didn't have it today

I always have a fucking thermos mug of coffee on me at all times if you're worried about returning to a car you're gonna get a finer health get the boys back to give I'm gonna need a pipe bomb and yup for one more

old boy I literally have that written down were you a pop tart or a strudel family strudel unfortunately really? yeah cause for some reason my mom thought strudel was healthier would you let you put the icing on there

that's pretty good when was the last time we slept on a blow up mattress when I first moved to New York with Matt the San Diego buddy former JDubb and we lived on Orchard Street together for a couple of months that's not a bad spot though Orchard Street is alright

any posters on the wall when you were a kid yes so I do you guys know who Cheryl Ladd is do you really? yeah of course who is it? so Cheryl Ladd replaced

Farrah Fawcett on Charlie's Angels I've always had a thing for older women for some reason it's kind of a strange you're fucked up I am fucked up yeah my wife is eight and a half years older than me so I remember

seeing Charlie's Angels as a teenager and just seeing Cheryl Ladd and just being like this is my dream woman so I spent two solid years as a teenager bidding on eBay on Cheryl Ladd posters and autographed 8x10s

and I basically had like a Cheryl Ladd shrine in my room and I also in addition to that I had yeah I had a bunch of like band posters I wanted David Lee Roth, Debbie Harry I like splashing pumpkins wait you're 38 you're watching Charlie's Angels

what's going on with that there's real reruns on TV land alright give it to ya I was a big Heather Thomas guy from the fall guy not Heather Lockley or Heather Thomas also a big Thomas Muffins guy and we're back I like a cinnamon raisin every once in a while

I'm not gonna lie to you holy shit I mean trash I don't know I don't think this one's inconclusive you can't call that trash the name of this episode is are you traumatized I can't call trash I mean he's not classy

he ain't classy I definitely still got some Connecticut snobbery in me for sure in what sense do you think he does harsons in boat shoes yeah what are you talking about when I'm torturing him a big letter

well I mean that wasn't him he was in a bad situation he did the toilet paper and then pulled it off the walls pretty smart I did I repented for my sense I don't know

I can't call trash I don't know this guy's bonkers for sure are you bonkers man is it garbage I don't know you said you think you're garbage I mean I do engage in a lot of public

urination was there a man responsible for the stench in the city was there a garage at the house or your parents house was there a fridge in there no no garage fridge my dad was a gun collector

made his own bullets that's crafty I think we can stop there you're fucking trash holy shit Doug Smith this has been a fucking bananas one crazy

call my mom and thank you for all the birthday cakes I'll never break her balls again I'll pay you that that's nuts man holy shit are you garbage man that's been the most gripping episode

we've had that was fucking something else written and directed by Quentin Tarantino from Dust Till Doug button it up you got anything you want the folks out there to know uh I'm okay

when's your next felony stay out of the stop and shop on 21st street on Thursday night holy shit you got the podcast coming out stay tuned for that no real gigs coming up

social medias at who Doug Smith and um yeah that's it thank you guys for having me thank you for being so open and honest this was fucking unbelievable I'm sorry I was still dumbfounded I was just fucking wrapped up in it man

that was fucking something else what do you got for him guys thanks for tuning in as always please make sure to rate, review, subscribe on iTunes full video available on youtube and patreon.com and I'm at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media on twitter and uh instagram check it out

adage fully on ice on twitter and fullygrams on instagram t-bone got anything uh toby domic mullin on instagram that's right buddy we love you guys we'll see you next week peace holy shit hold on there kids real quick

before you go take it off on your skateboards or your rollerblades or rollerblades your convertible cars wherever you're off to wanna talk real quick one more time about the stereo app Kippy and I are on there every Thursday night at 9 o'clock answering your questions fantastic app

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we're having a good time baby I might stutter a little bit party starts early at the right house 9 p.m. we'll see you there baby it's a good time peace