Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Doug Stanhope!

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Doug Stanhope! You know Doug Stanhope from stand up comedy, The Joe Rogan Experience, the Doug Stanhope Podcast, Bertcast, Louie, Specials like Beer Hall Putsch, No Refunds, This Is Not Happening and so much more. Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Dollar Shave Club: https://dollarshaveclub.com/GARBAGE Promo Code: Garbage Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Fresh Direct: https://freshdirect.com Promo Code: AYG Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU garbage Oh, yeah, it's that little show We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after group to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash I'm your host age fully coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition She's down at the playground doing a little bocce

With the boys taking a little money from the Italian. All right, my co-host is coming at you from right next to me He is the CEO of R.U. Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, just make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes.

Full video available on YouTube. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash R.U. Garbage. You go over there, get all that bonus content. Yes, sir and gang We could not be more excited to have her incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with this day for the first time He is a legendary stand-up comedian author actor and podcaster and you might have seen him in but not limited to you got Louie Aquatine hunger force you got punching Henry Roseanne Wow, I don't even know

punching Henry, Roseanne. Wow, I don't even know these. I think I'm such a drunk that's like every few years I'll go on IMDB and see what I've done. I was never on Dateline. 12 episode of The Rock profiles. You got the road dog, you got Howard Stern. He's got his own comedy show presents Insomniac. The man show of course, The Aristocrats,

Tosh.0, Kill Tony, Bar Rescue. That's a first right there. I love that WTF this is not happening to Joe Rogan Go we gotta do it his literary work includes you got Fun with penophiles the best of baiting you have digging up mother. That's the funniest one ever If you can find the best of baiting. Oh, this is not faint. It was best of baiting was, uh, it's the only thing I laugh at. Like I didn't do it. Sure.

Uh, it was back in the early internet days and there was a site called baiting.org. Like fish bait baiting. And you would like Chris Hansen, bait pedophiles, and then just, like, I'm a 13-year-old girl that likes hot, sexy talk with older men. What? And then you trick them into, and it always ends with, oh, and now I'm pulling out my dick.

And I'm like, what? This is Doug Stanhope, you asshole. Well, no, I wasn't, yeah a Doug Stanhope didn't mean anything. It still doesn't mean anything. But now there's a few people. But back then, no one knew who. He also got no no encore for the song. We got to do it.

Is this is albums and specials include The Great Wipes, Stanhope, Sicko, something to Take the Edge Off, Die Laughing, Word of Mouth, Deadbeat Hero, Morbid Obscenity, No Refunds from Across the Street, Burning the Bridge to Nowhere, Before Turning the Gun on Himself, Beer Hall Putch, An Evening with Doug Stanhope,

And the Dying of the Last Breed. Dying of the Last Breed. This podcast is called Here's our guest and here's his credits watch Good night folks. Thanks for tuning in You can hear me every week in his amazing podcast the Doug Stanhope podcast But the big question of his mind today is he garbage? I don't know. I believe my last time we saw the gentleman He was stealing a

cheddar omelet that was my first I don't know. I believe my last time we saw the gentleman. He was stealing a cheddar omelet Tell me Because I was gonna come here and just steal like everything off Delta like biscoff cookies and everything You know, I know but you I was gonna like cram my pockets full like grandma would wish Splenda. You got a seatbelt extender on you? Yeah, and just bring it all to you to show you. I you have no idea how excited I am to be here.

Awesome. Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only a true American original. Yes. With a Michelob Ultra. The world's. Brought himself. My first the first time we ever met was at Skankfest Houston. Oh, right after. Oh, yeah. Right after the pandemic just was in the middle of the pandemic. I just coming back from Skankfest. I've been sneezing so bad. Great. I've been to two skankfest. We got the skankfest covid going on. I've never not gotten COVID from Skankfest. So I've been sneezing.

The Skankfest variant? Yeah, it is. Probably won't even cure that one. But I had met you and I met you in that we were in a very nice hotel. You were stealing an omelet. And I went up to you. I didn't know you were stealing an omelet.

And I went, hey, Doug, how you doing? I'm Kevin. I'm a comic. I have a podcast. Are you garbage? You went, I just stole this omelet. And I went, Oh, okay. Keep your mouth shut. You're like, you just have to dress. You just dress like you're staying here and you just walk out like you own the place. I didn't pay for this. I believe you were in a full tuxedo. Very similar to I was just like I literally walked back I just met Doug Stanhope they're like what was he doing he stole a fucking omelet yeah and the

last time we saw he was down at the mothership Kevin tells me the story it was you him and Rogan in the green and white I Ron white and I was on stage oh yeah and you leaned over to Kevin and were watching me on the monitor and said, is he gonna die? Because he's so big. I went on the Ozempix the very next day. Did you? Yeah. Oh my God, that's so not garbage.

We're trying to keep him alive. I got rent to pay here, Doug. One thing they told me about, and I forget who it was, I would rat them out if I knew I go I go because we're talking about how much we love your podcast they go the thing about Foley is every time he laughs his tongue and you'll once you see it you can't unsee it's a lot of time and then I could not see it. It was As a gorgeous tongue. It's a big one. Yeah I'm not on trial here

If I had a vagina I would try to make you laugh while you gave me cunnilingus So that would dart into me. You know some old danger field bits Give us the backstory on Doug Stanhope Is this known what the origin? I mean you're kind of the Joker What is the origin story kind of are I really you just came from the airport you got no luggage What do you know he did I did get word ejected? Oh, yeah, we did check into the Hampton in whoa well that was another thing That's really put homeless people do. It's very close. I'm very big about close. You are?

The Ron White story. Ron White, we were all sitting in the air and we were at the mothership in the green room and you asked me where we were staying and I was like, oh we got an Airbnb, there's like a group of us and I asked you where you were staying and you were staying at the airport hotel. Yeah. Oh yeah at the at an airport hotel. Yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm like stay at one hotel Love your problem. Where are you staying and you were like at the Marriott by the airport? He goes you're fucking Doug Stanhope, and you're staying out by the airport I found a better place near the mothership is there's a hostel. No United

mothership is there's a hostel. The United Hanger. The United Hanger. Ask Colum. Are you really Colum Terrell? Yes, I actually canceled the gig, I bailed out on it. But yeah, it was last, whatever, Irish Day. St. Paddy's Day. St. Patrick's Day.

Irish Day. Irish Day. And he goes, where are you staying? There's a, we get a rate at this. I go, no, I'm staying at a hostel right next door. And he's like, why would you do that? I said, cause it's funny. Yeah, this guy lives for beds.

And we did. And it was, we had bunk beds and I fell out of the top bunk a third time, no more bunk beds. And scarred some college kid from Northwestern. Yeah, a bunch of Swedish guys being like, We've been glorifying. So you grew up in Mass. Give us the orgy.

I wanted to call ahead of time Megan and tell her, hey, by the way, I know you guys talk about, what's your family history? I am not a family guy. I disassociated myself from that at 18. I am not a family guy. I disassociated from that. Eighteen. I grew up in Massachusetts and as soon as I was legal to leave, I fled. I fled to the West Coast. Perfect.

Doug Stanow. Yeah. Family means nothing to me. OK, there were people. Mother, we put her down like a dog. Dad died on his own quickly. He's like, oh got cancer. I'm gonna go by now. Very nice. And my brother, we just kind of had a resurgence of talking to each other. But okay, very nice. So yeah, most of my adult life has been without

family. Without family. Gotcha. Okay. Were you a good student? How were you in school? I don't I you know what I have, I have without family. Without family. Gotcha. Were you a good student? How were you in school? You know what? I have made a list of how I am garbage. Let me tell you. Hit me. I told you the only reason I would ever come back to New York City is to do this show.

And that means the world to us. And I found a reason. And in the meantime, like every couple days I go, oh my God, I am so garbage right now in my life. I should write it down. But you don't make a list with one thing. But every couple days I think of one thing. I'm like, ah, shit.

So I did start a list and I brought it, but I left it at the hotel. Oh yeah. But there's so much garbage. I did start a list and I brought it, but I left it at the hotel. Okay. Yeah. But there's so much garbage. I pissed my pants at Skank Fest. Okay. And I want to give a shout out.

That was my close-up. This was three days ago, by the way. Well, it's over three days. I pissed my pants one of the three days at Skank Fest. No, I'm saying you just did. And Skank Fest is really the best thing I have. It's the best. It's amazing.

That comedy has created. Like, the Just For Laughs fuck, I was so happy that fucking thing failed and went bankrupt. I hated those cocksuckers so much. I never met them, so fuck them, I don't care. Oh, you never went to? Yeah, no one goes to Skankfest. I'm met them, so fuck them. I don't care. Oh, you never went to?

Yeah. No one goes to Skankfest. Yeah. No one goes to Skankfest to get a deal. No. You go to get COVID, apparently. Had a little kratom. Yes.

I fucking wrestled the Almanica Sanders because we had a beef on a bonfire eight years ago. And I go, we'll make up for it. And I'm getting bumps in my coach, let's call her. My coach is giving me bumps of fucking ketamine right at ringside. As I- That's all class in my book though. 52 years old. 57.

You're doing bumps again? Yeah. I'm in the middle of a goddamn fight. I'm fighting for my life here. No, before the fight. That was hard. As they're doing the intro. Pre-workout.

Of course. Ding. Yeah, mushrooms. We did every drug except for cocaine or fentanyl. Yeah, they're fentanyl. That's a drug you don't intend to do. Are you still bad? Is that like how often are you doing drugs?

Not at all. You just get it. You're doing a boxing match. Don't say never. How often do you wrestle a Foley size woman of color? Probably not often. That's a great point Doug. Holy size of woman of color. Probably not often. That's a great point, Doug. Yeah, so pair them up.

OK, did you play any sports as a youngster? I played I played a year of football. Yeah, it was a seventh grade, I think. Yeah, seventh grade where the equipment is way more than you. Sure. And your head's bobbling sucked. And what position were you? I was it was Iron Man. So I was a tight end and then something on defense.

Iron Man, meaning you played both sides of the wall because it was a tiny town, Paxton, Massachusetts. Yes. That's great. No ketamine back then What about injuries as a kid to stay away from the family jobs on you Brother broke my jaw for me Okay Hey, what gives I was a little brother and they would or beat on me him and his friend Jeff Brown would they would

Hold me down to do spit hangers And then suck it back up, but sometimes miss and then sure How does that lead to a broken? well, my brother had me in a chokehold and my my defense as a small child was a fake it. OK, I'm with you. So so when my brother had me in a chokehold, I passed out. So my brother thought, oh, he's faking it again because you cry wolf. Break his jaw and make sure he just let me go on a cement floor.

Flop and then, yeah. Wired to did they wire you up? Wired my jaws shut and I missed the class trip to an amusement park. I think it was Whalum Park back then. The class trip. Oh, he can't go on a roller coaster because he throws up. Ah, he'll choke himself. Yes. Which, good sense.

What? Even I as a child said, Yes. Which good sense. What's that? Even I as a child said, yeah, that makes sense. Did you go to public school, Catholic school? What did you go to public school through ninth grade? OK, and then out you GED. Wait, you dropped out in my alma mater game is GED versus job core. I did both. Am I garbage yet? What's Job Corps? Job Corps?

Yeah, it's like a placement thing. It's like a It's like a penal colony for Kids who are trying to do better. They yeah, they teach It was it was really like kind of a prison environment. And I was outpatient. It's a program administered by the United States Department of Labor that offers free education and vocational training for young people ages 16 to 24. OK. Yeah. And I did the culinary arts.

But most people stayed on campus. Uh huh. You listen. And but I bust in and out and they like, uh huh. But most people stayed on campus. Uh-huh. You left. But I bust in and out. And they were like... Uh-huh. Which somehow seems treasure. I remember prison lingo from Job Corps where I spoke cigarettes.

And they go, save me a check on that cigarette. A check? A check, which meant like when you were about to put it out. Kills, yeah. We call it kills kills Kills on that. All right. Well, that's I learned that in Job Corps. I Okay, wait, did you did you decide not to go back to school or did were you not allowed back to school? No, no, I quit dropped out. Yeah, I had to make deals with my mother and my father. My father was like a head of the science department of Worcester

Public Schools. And so he that's a bad look for him. Exactly. But he was a soft touch. He was like Mr. Cunningham from Happy Days. He's just OK. Fucking nicest guy in the world. What was the first job you had growing up?

Did you start working young? Newport creamery. Oh, yeah Do you know it? No, I like ice cream friendlies. Yeah. Yeah, okay Yeah, it was a sandwich ice cream shop where I was a busboy. Okay, and I had the same posture I remember my mother would come in she goes you walk like an old man. I was 16 years old It hasn't changed. Lady, you got to buy something. Get off the lot if you ain't got cash, toots.

What was the pet situation growing up? I always had cats. Mother was a fond of the cats. OK, until like too fond. She died a hoarder of cats up until like too fond. She died a hoarder of cats. Really? Yeah. How many cats are we talking when you were a kid in and out of the house?

I think she maxed out at nine. Whoa. But that was when I was already gone. Already out. Gotcha. I remember the first one that she had put down without our consent when I was a kid. And that was Harry. He's an orange cat, but he was a fighter and he was a meanster, but I loved him. And she's like, yeah, I had to have him put down.

We put Mother down eventually, so we're even. We're even. Man, this guy holds a grudge Harry says hi Can't be let's talk about fresh direct Fresh direct fresh direct fresh direct. That's right. I was gonna say it three more times gang Do yourself a favor and get over to fresh direct We're talking about farm to table food source directly from farmers fishermen and ranchers and delivered straight to your door because why? Top quality. That's what you're doing. You're not wasting time

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Oh, babe, we got the meats coming today. We don't need to go to the store Yeah, we got avocados man Usually you get them and it takes like seven days for them to become good. These things were perfect. Yeah, shout out to FreshDirect to save us from getting in a fight at a farmer's market. You're doing the Lord's work over there. For over 20 years, FreshDirect has been delivering the freshest fruits, veggies, and meats to the Tri-State area.

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I used to be Yuzo pineapple now. I'm all strawberry and that's good by the way. They just sent some, we got the boys, some sort of blueberry, strawberry, boysenberry. I used to be Yuzo pineapple, now I'm all strawberry. Man, that's good. It's fantastic. And here's my little, if you're out on a sauce, drink it before you go to bed for the night. You wake up, you let the Liquid IV and the hydration work while you're snoozing.

Support everyday wellness with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code garbage at checkout. That's 20% off your first order of liquid IV when you go to liquid IV comm and use the code garbage at checkout that's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today using the promo code garbage at liquid IV comm do it. Okay, what were like what was the vacation like? Did you travel at all? Early days we went to Martha's Vineyard. Wow. Very nice. My mother, her mother, my grandmother had a cottage on Martha's Vineyard. Very nice. My mother, her mother, my grandmother, had a cottage on Martha's Vineyard

where she was old and her husband died and she just went and sold it without asking any of us for like, I think it was $14,000. That place would be like a million and a half right now. And she's like, like anyone us as kids would use our fucking Cub Scout money to get it. No such thing as Cub Scout money. But whatever depends if you got some of that money.

What? She eventually you look like in the uniform. I like how you're pissed over real estate transactions, but you didn't get out of ninth grade Like you had the fourth of my 14 grand. That's a fucking appreciation alone on that We used to call it grandma's dead money when she died and we had a little bit of the money I don't know a couple thousand dollars baby maybe. Did it get to you or did? Well, it got to us. I think my motherfucking sure. She's like, oh, there's percentages, but grandma was in the hospital for a while, dying.

And mother was the, what do you call it? She was cooking the books a little bit. Executor. Yes. And so she probably moved a lot of that money into her own account. And then we got 25% of shit. She was saying that's that's dirt bag 101. Someone dies and you're pissed at your take.

That is one generational trash. But my brother and I would always say, when do we get grandma's dead money? You know, when you're a teenager, you don't have a lot of patience when do we get grandma's dead money? Do you remember the grocery so want to be the fucking most garbage Don't worry K bumps and female wrestling got you there Grandma's dead. That was yesterday. Not to mention the Harry's vendetta you have.

What was the grocery store going on up there? Foodland. Okay. I remember my brother and I got busted for stealing Starburst when we were like seven. And he was nine or I was a busted for stealing a starburst when we're like

Seven no shit, and he was nine or I was five and he was seven. I don't know but we tore open the bag of starburst and like picked a few out and ice who got you to remember like an employee fucking manager Tried to pay him off. Didn't bud. Huh? OK, what's the first concert you went to, Doug? Do you remember? Yeah. Well, there's two. OK, there's three. OK. So not your first. Well, that's all the concert you've been to. It depends.

The first one, I brought my mother to see Bill Cosby. Whoa. On it was Mother's Day or her birthday or something. Like for, because we grew up listening to Bill Cosby albums. Of course. So okay, I brought, that's not a concert. Do you remember the venue? Yeah, well I know it was in Worcester.

Okay. And it was. Like a theater. Yeah. Okay. A small theater. And then my mother took me to Chicago as a concert, and she, as she's smoking cigarettes,

yelled at the people in front of us for smoking weed. And this is like 1985, so smoking weed, it was really fucking, what? Chicago was your first concert, that's pretty good. My first one alone, and that's what I count, where I go with my friends is Jethro Tull. Broad Sword and the Beast Tour at the Worcester Centrum. I love Jethro Tull.

Fucking, they're so under. That guy was great. Ian, what's his name? I can't remember. Anderson. Yeah, he's something else. What age were you talking about when you went with your friends? That would have been 81? Yeah, I think 81. Broad Sword and the Beast, if you want to.

I think you were about twelve or thirteen, it would make sense, right? I remember I go, I'm not going to drink because I want to remember it. Did you drink or no? No, but I did, yeah. Hence forward. Sure. 1982, that was. Alright. Okay. 1982 that was all right okay, oh wait so I saw Jay Giles on New Year's Eve I think before that fucking

My blood runs cold my memory has just been sold is that their song yeah, that's fucking dog shit their early baby Angelus commercialized yeah commercialized yeah well Jay Giles was a very New England band doing like covers of yeah I can't okay what was your first car your first personal car you have and And what age? I had a lot of cars for a minute. Like I had an MG that went downhill and you could kickstart it in the, and it would run for like a quarter mile and then it would die.

I had a Mustang, well with grandma's dead money, that's what I bought. That's what you bought was a Mustang? $800 Mustang, 1967 grandma's dead money, that's what I bought. That's what you bought was a Mustang? $800 Mustang, 1967 Mustang. Nice. It had a broken leaf spring where they said, be careful, because if you took a corner too hard, it could come off.

It was stuck to the frame, and it could go into the gas tank and explode. But we still did donuts in the fucking high school, dirty high school fucking parking, not parking lot, the football field. You did them on the field? Spinning up the fucking, yeah, we were awful kids. What did you do?

You were a kid out of a high school movie, dude. That's crazy. What did you guys do that you should have been arrested for? Yeah, a lot of that kind of shit. A lot of drinking and, you know, shenanigans. Yeah, I did a lot of drinking and driving young. Yeah. When you didn't know it was wrong.

Sure. You also feel, I mean, back then, you feel a little invincible as well. Like, ah, not me. It's a different time. What are we talking about? It's a different day and age. Okay. All right, so we got the vacations No, I

Sure. Well, yeah, let's let's let's put a pin in the childhood. How'd that happen? I pissed my I feel like it was a choice I didn't know how I pissed my pants were at Skankfest in Vegas and I woke up and I don't have underwear on which I always sleep like in what I'm wearing because that's how I fall down. It's called passing out. Yeah. Passing out? Is that a thing? Passing out.

You make it sound like you're reading a little bit. That's a great. Okay, so I wake up and I'm like why am I like balls out naked and And then I find my underpants and they're wet. I'm like, I don't remember pissing myself But I go swimming and then my I found my pants and then they were damp. I'm like, alright I don't know and bingo is like she looks like that. She's kind of half mad. You came back from the bathroom where? I don't know if you're you know what you're talking about.

But then I was sitting to pee because I sit to pee. Really? Really? Yes. I'm a fucking one percenter. OK, you sit to pee all the time now. But in that place, like if you're sharing like a hotel room. Yeah, it's called the Sugar Shack at the Oasis at the Gold Spike. It's a long story.

It's a fucking tiny house attached to a motel in Vegas right beside where Skank Fest Central is. It's two blocks away, but your tiny house is in the middle of a rave, an outdoor rave on Friday, Saturdays. And if you wanna leave after 9 p.m., you have to get padded down and ID'd to get back, TSA style, to get back into your room. It's fantastic and horrible at the same time.

But you have your own yard in the middle of a rave. Imagine if all outside of this studio was rave, but just this. You have your own little lot, yeah. And your tiny house here with a loft bed and a main bedroom and a little full kitchen. And that's a nice place so you peed to sit down in there. Well, I sat down to pee because I didn't...

I left his pants on. I had to backtrack from I pissed my pants to how. Okay. So then when I was sitting to pee later I'm like oh I cause you know when you like if you sit to pee you have to tuck your junk. Yeah. And I think what I did is not. Ah. So I started peeing peeing okay into your pants. Yeah, it's not too bad No, it's not a full pee in your pants. Well, it's like I first checked the bed You peed on your pants. If you peed the bed, that's bad cuz you only have that one bed And I'm like the bed is dry as a bone But my pants are wet as pee. I think I sat and peed on your pants.

And I didn't push down enough. I don't have a lot of cock. And I have too much balls. You're preaching to the choir here, big dog. We're talking to the P-Med gallery. Now who books a place like this for you? Do you see that in Book It? Do you do the research or somebody? Generally stay at the Plaza. They've been fucking great to me over the years, but this this time Everyone now skank fest is so big that anything nearby fucking jacks up their price. Oh

$30 for the Wednesday $49 for the for the Wednesday, $49 for the $1,000, $1,500 for the Friday Saturday, you fucking cunts. So. I'm gonna go stay at a party. Stay in the $30 hotels, I love it. I do, I absolutely. The Plaza, the Plaza?

No, Union Plaza, the old, it was called the Union Plaza. Yeah, just down the street from, Circa is where they all stay. Right, right. But I found this and I'm like, wait, this is a tiny house that you have here. Who doesn't wanna sleep in a rave? Did you join the rave at any point?

No, the rave didn't, the rave actually only had all the awful music. Gotcha. And not a lot of the folks. So, Bingo's putting toilet paper in her ears. of the folks. So could you go? Bingo's putting toilet paper in her. I was going to say, could you sleep through that? I can. You pass out.

I take I take downers. Those are my drugs. You take downers at the end of the night after boozing all the time. What kind of downer? I know this guy. This guy's fucking feeling like I'm on an episode. Benadryl's or Xanax. And then it drills after a night of boozing. Yeah. This guy's fucking popping Benadryls or Xanax Benadryls?

Popping Benadryls after a night of boozing? Yeah This guy's on side-leazers Uppers, downers, lefters, writers, whatever you got, dogs in No, I'm not a drug guy except for sleeping Or wrestling Or wrestling, yes, but I sleep every night, I wrestle I wrestle once a week

You take an antihistamine to go to bed Penadryls knock you out. Yeah, you're right Or over-the-counters just you know, salmon X. Yeah, just like the Z quills or whatever those equals are alright see how many same thing if one of those will do it Are you like you know, I double them up one of those will do it or you like. No, I double them up. Double. What's the matter with you?

Idiot. Doug, you are my favorite man in the world. Dude, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Do you know how to juggle by any chance? No, I don't. I don't really have any skills. I'm not really good at anything physically.

You got the Greco-Roman wrestling thing going. Well, no, I had to, we had to stage that fight. Yamanica and I had a beef on Bonfire, okay, eight years ago, where I was really drunk. I remember this in, I watched this go down in real life, like in real time. Yeah, I was doing a book tour, promoting a book, and I don't do anything sober professionally. Like if it's a podcast, I'm drinking, if it's whatever I'm drinking, like I don't have any social skills that. I'm right there with you. Yeah. Yeah. So so.

So imagine you're doing a book tour. That's like a seven show Saturday. Yeah, it's a long day. Gotcha. I'm drinking at every show. So now I get to the bonfire and I I listen to it for the first time before I got in the ring with her, because I had heard some people say that you were fucked up, and other people saying she was wrong,

and so I listened to it, and it was so, have you, do you have problems listening to yourself? The worst. Oh, of course, yeah. It's hard, especially if you were drunk. And when you're at your worst. Of course. Ah, it's bad.

So I was, and I saw what I was going for and she took it offensive. OK, before I could explain what I was going to, because I was talking like this. You've ever fucked someone that regretted fucking you? No, I have not. And she started shouting me down World Star style and I couldn't get back to my point.

And it was just, so I listened to it before. You went back in the ring. Yeah, and it was my idea. Hey, I wanna make good. There's nothing, there's no better feeling than getting done with a beef. Sure. You're not wrong. Yeah, that hanging over your head.

Sure. Eight years ago, just hearing her name like, I know I'm probably at fault, but I never really listened. And you guys are all good now. Bygone, bygone. She's the best. Love Yamanika. Yes. One of the funniest.

Well, yeah, we made out in the ring. That's how we saw that this morning. I go, hey, you don't want to wrestle. I don't want to wrestle. We're old We we could tear a ligament just by looking at each other in a stern way Yeah, how about we just getting that fucking wrestling grasp and then it was very out it was very good Have you ever been asked to leave a restaurant? Oh my God.

Yeah, recently, yes. That'll work. It was a bar, it wasn't a restaurant. But yeah, we were up in Eugene, Oregon at a train station bar. And you hang out, man. It's crazy. Yeah, well, we just killed Andy's dog.

And we had, oh, hey, we're celebrating. You know? Hey, let's say Irish. Irish Wake. OK. And then this gal. Irish Wake. Okay. Right. And and and then this gal. Alright, so Andy Andrist is the funniest person in the world

and it was we we put his dog down and then we're going back to take the train back from Eugene to Portland to do these shows with Brendan Walsh and wrestling is on the Olympics. Okay. That long ago, a month or two ago. And Andy says something to the effect of, they should just judge the bouts by butt fucking. You have to butt fuck that.

And this lady bartender thought that was anti-gay or pro, pro not gay. I don't know. Offensive. Yeah. And I go, Andy, just bail out because she's not having you. And then she's like, then she takes it out. I'm like, I already threw the guy out, my friend.

So you preemptively told him to go. She was still upset at you. Yeah, she was still upset at everything. Had you been in there for a while? Were you guys spending good money? One drink. No, but I'm a fucking fantastic tipper. Let's get into that.

What's, you go, you sit down, you get a beer. What's a tip? I thought, cause you guys had, where's the Tom Segura? What is it? 51,000 50 crazy you watch the show So so yesterday where was Chrysler at football at the Circa and I go hey listen when they did the thing about They have it framed. I go. What's your. What's Burt's? Because Burt is like.

Burt's got a little bit of cage. Sure. Half that 27,000 he said. No shit. And he thought it was gonna be a comp because it was. You know. That's his dumb ass who would do that.

That's the worst. He said the worst part is the chipping because when Leanne showed him the bill, no, this is not on the house. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, not on the arm. It was the tipping was the hardest part. I go, she said $7,000 was the tip.

So I assumed that it was 20,000 and then seven. Yeah, that makes sense. But either way, he's like,000 and then seven. Yeah, either way He's like what do you tip when you thought it was gonna be free? $20,000 bill what do you dip? That's a $30,000 swing right my biggest was a 1200 and I know you fuck 700 we fucking do we spend that on fucking whatever? We attacked us

That was a lot of fucking money it was a train station bar it was one round it was I have a I have a lot of friends that are in the judicial system as judges. And we went to one of their conventions just because we're friends with the guys. And I go, hey, you know, hey, you want to meet up for drinks? I go, we're having dinner. Oh, like, well, come down to me. And I'm like, we have our wives with us. I'm like, oh, fuck, because I always pick up the fucking tab. OK, unless unless it's Johnny Depp, I pick up.

That's right. Your bullies with Johnny Depp. I had a bunch of judges apparently. Which is the fuck does that guy's connected? Are you so you're picking up the check unless it's Johnny Depp for the most part? Like in the in the circles you're running in. It's you. Yeah. There's other people I would let pick up the check unless it's Johnny Depp for the most part. Like in the circles you're running in. It's you. Yeah. There's other people I would let pick up the check, but I don't eat with them. Rogan would always say, hey, when you come to town, let's go to dinner.

I don't really go to dinner with people. Did you have dinner with you? Drinking with you. Did you have dinner with the judges? Like, do you guys like do you have a separate world outside of comedy? Like, when you're sitting down with the judges, like, are you, are you? But they're my, they're actually younger than me, which is weird to comprehend right now as I say it. They were lawyers when I knew them but they were people in a small town. Okay. Justice of the Peace and a judge. Because you're pretty connected out there. Well it's a town of less than 5,000 people.

I know I'm just saying. Not everybody's having dinner with the judges and their wives. Very connected to the ladies at Safeway. That's a good team to have on your side. True. Yes. Shout out to fucking Suzy and Anna. Are you so that's that where you're shopping at home? You're going to Safeway? Yeah. You want to you want to go white trash? Do you clip coupons and do you do you follow your Safeway rewards and spend them before the end of the month? No way

What's what's up? Like what's a what's a really good coupon that you can come across like a buy one get one or buy two? Yeah, really good. Here's the here's the what what what the grocery stores do the they have like a scam like oh bananas or 15 cents Bananas are 15 cents a dozen and then everything else is overpriced So the scam is to just get in the door one thing that they're leading you in and not buy anything else And then go fuck I fuck the system. Mm-hmm. I went to Canada to avoid the draft. It feels like that To avoid the draft it feels like that

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right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com slash garbage. Use the promo code garbage for 20% off your 20 or dollar or more order. Do it. Yeah. I have to get back on the road. You know, I haven't been on the road for like a year and a half.

And I've fallen into this thing where I'm a coupon clipping old man. I love how he's walking out of the safe way. My wife left me. My wife left me on this podcast because I'm embarrassing to her. What is a typical run of the mill, few items when you go to the grocery store? What do you get going for the discount meat?

And that's the name of my new special. It is count meat. Yes. Now, are you going with like, Hey, I want to get some chicken and some. No, I see what's on sale You're buying whatever you have a first of all you live in a weird awful the worst fucking place in the world So you probably don't have a giant? metropolis

foods Not like the Where they have a whole designated section of clearance, browned meat. Yeah, it's never the right color. You're getting green chicken and shit. 30% off discount meat. So that's are we eating pork chops tonight? We'll find out.

We'll see what's brown at Safeway. What else? Like, do you get you getting snacks for the house? Cheese, it's no, I'm Dor not. Doritos? What do you eat? I eat really good when I'm home. Do you? That's great. Yeah, that's uh, the worst thing about the road is immediately your diet switches to garbage.

On the way to the airport. You're like, I'll stop at fucking Arby's or whatever. It's horrible. At home, I open with oatmeal. Such a comic. I open with oatmeal. Such a comic. I open with oatmeal. I middle with a banana. Six raspberries. Little crowd work. I have a flotsam and jetsam of green powder, psyllium.

Sure. You're taking your supplements, and you're doing fiber. And then I do smoothies with spinach, broccoli, beets. Wow. No kidding. Celery, banana. Good for you. Yeah.

Yeah, but then I get on the road and I go, all right. Steak and shake? You motherfuckers don't have A1 sauce? I almost went berserk at a steak and shake in Vegas. Like, no A1 sauce? How do you have fucking steak in the name of your country? Fucking place. And you don't have a one sauce.

That's like saying French fries, but we don't have ketchup. You fucking cocksucker. We don't work there. I know I'm yelling at them because they're listening. They're not listening. All your listeners are going to go at Steak and Shake here and they're going to ISO that clip. Thank you.

If you go to a nice steakhouse, do you still want your A1 sauce? Yes. Will you take the house sauce, whatever their steak sauce is? Or do you prefer A1? I have a mixture that I make if there's no A1 sauce. A little bit of ket have, or do you prefer a one? I have a mixture that I make. If there's no a one sauce, a little bit of ketamine, a little bit of ketchup, Worcestershire and mustard. Really? Yeah. And that's what I use for pork. Huh? That's pretty good. It is. It's Gordy. Dijon or yellow

mustard? What do you use? Yellow. Really? Yeah. Name brand or if it's on sale. I don't think there's really a difference. Vodka is another one that's, there's no difference. The best vodka, worst vodka, absolutely no difference. They're very close. What's your go-to vodka? Pop-off. Pop-off, yeah. Yes, I did a kind of a throwaway tester album called Pop-off Vodka Presents an an evening with Doug Stanhope and it's mostly about how pop-off refused to sponsor my hobo vodka said no we wouldn't touch we don't want to be in the stand-up barge pole that was the quote they got from my manager no shit with a barge pole they got to know they

are exactly you're fucking pop-off vodka now I got a barge pole. Who do they think they are? They got fucking poetic. Exactly. You're fucking pop off vodka. Now I got a question for you. So you do the plastic handle, like the plastic jug. Yep. Do you take the spout off or do you keep the, you take it? When I, when I, when I, I take the spout off when I'm putting something in. When you're mixing in there?

No, no, when I put like shitty alcohol into a nicer, like if I take Evan McGregor whiskey and I pour it into a Canadian club. Who are you doing that for? Who are you doing this for? Me? I'll forget in a couple of days. Trigger the good stuff.

I go the other way too. I will put really good. No shit. Into a shitty. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't you don't like What? Yeah, shitty yeah, I'll put good in the shitty bottles I go just at the house Yeah, just for fun. I have a Small bar. I've seen yeah, I like this and

If I want to have company I Hey, come on over now. Is that caught is that bar? This is a question I've always had for you since I've started hearing about it and seeing pictures is that bar constantly stocked or if you're like, hey I'm having people over we'll go get some beers and some liquor It's just it's like a like you go in and kinda, you could make me a drink. If I quit drinking by running out, I could probably live a year.

Really? Yeah. Whoa. I've never heard it put that way. That just shook me to the bone, dude. Damn. By myself. Yeah.

You have friends over, they to drink anything. Damn. By myself. Yeah. You have friends over. They drink you dry. Yeah. How many different kind of liquors you got in that bar you think? Well, we used to uh we used to. Cuz that's very classy. The older you get, the

less uh uh friendly you become. Social, yeah. Sure. Uh there used to be football Sundays where there's 40 people there and none of them watch football. And then you kind of meet those people out. All right. OK. Yeah. Thin the herd a little bit. Right. A little bit. So yeah. And now no one drinks like pot. Just like. Took it as a lateral move.

Pushed people. Oh, yeah. They just smoke pot or do edibles. And now, yeah. So now booze lasts forever at my house. Nobody fucking drinks. I'm like, where do we drop this off? Like people bring over a bottle of fucking honey whiskey or something like your stuff.

No one's ever gonna drink this Have you ever had to pour out fucking alcohol and go Oh, I'm pouring out my youth Yeah What is your ultimate cocktail? Like Whiskey sour with egg white

Whoa Frothy Goddamn gentlemen. That's new age. Well, if I'm if I'm gonna go out and drink and pay money for it, I want something that I can't make myself. Good point. Or or make well. Yeah. Sure. My my go-to drink is vodka soda splash of grapefruit. Okay. Still a gentleman's drink. And it's lubricating, hydrating I mean.

Sure. Same thing. Vitamin C. Yeah, except I'm on statin so, are you on any kind of drugs? I'm not. You, fatty? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

He's a fan of the show. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You just beat that water bottle right off the fucking table. Hahaha, he's a fan of the show You just beat that water bottle right off the fucking table That's the best fatty ever. Are you like do you have cholesterol issues or anything? Yeah, so are you on stands like there's I'm on rostatin. I'm on little bit of baking grease lipid door and And I take an aspirin every day. Oh That's a statin right aspirin is supposed to be the you can't drink that with alcohol or is that ibuprofen Tylenol? I don't know. Yeah, I take a baby aspirin. I get a

Something statin. It's not that way your cholesterol. Yeah I had massive for your cholesterol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had massive triglycerides. Sure. And then I just went, I stopped eating red meat for the most part. And then I go, oh, you're fine. Statens work pretty good. Yeah. They're not great for you, but keep the numbers down. You know what I mean? Yeah. Good day. If you ain't cheating, you ain't cheating ain't trying daddy. Oh, I don't know what to tell you Do you guys do drugs at home no like the wind yes of course yeah That's a no and a yes at the same time with both the same sincerity My I'm a pretty bed. I like the sauce Big yeah, no I know I'm a booze bag, but I've been I fuck with the edibles a bit like not I

Joey Diaz style. I got ya You got 10 milligram will Yeah, like I like a five milligram edible in my you know, I would say I'm a I like the Colombian whites I put it to you that oh cocaine Yeah, we that was a and let's shame Skankfest a little bit because there it was that was the buzz. If there was a Yelp review about this, there was very little cocaine to be spotted. Oh, that's a good thing.

That's pretty I mean, with how kind of dangerous it is at this point. I don't know. I mean, it's become like I went through a period of my life where like drugs, everyone got sober. Like when David tell quit drinking, everyone quit drinking. And that's like 1520 years ago. And there was a period and now it's like Cocaine is back everywhere and I'm like I don't want to be awake at this hour It's gonna affect the Benadryl I want a goddamn statin here And ketamine is really a thing. That's like people are doing it for like

Cyclotar. Yeah, as a therapy. Yeah. Yeah, you were doing it for you like psychological. Yeah, yeah Yeah, you were doing it directly recreationally in an oil wrestling match performance performance enhancing drugs I think they if if they if they made comedy into sports where I had to piss clean Including alcohol to do it. I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, I'm just, I'm this guy. Ah! Psst, Doug, you're up. When was the last time you did a show without even a beer? The last one I remember was 2004.

Wow. What happened? A snowstorm or something like that? Red Band. The Sandman pushed red band red band was a kid in the audience and taped it and taped people Walking out in mass because it was at Ohio University not Ohio State the other Ohio I got you were doing a college and it was yeah for Comedy Central because it was The man show gosh, and I was following Ed Helms.

I was headlining a family friendly evening on Parents Weekend. Sober. And I'm like, you know, you're bringing your daughter here. You know she's going to start fucking some other. And then people are, guys screaming, this man is a sick fuck. He's saying literally, anyone who's listening to him is also a

sick buck. You should all fuck. He's just saying I appreciate the endorsement. He keeps yelling fuck as as. But I walked like 600 people. That's got to be a record. There's a there's video out there if someone find it Or call red band. He knows where it is. Are you flossing every day?

No, but I'm more pretty good teeth. Yeah. Oh my god. No, they're hideous. They're white Well, they're giant and fucking I would get yeah I'm a water pick guy But not often enough, okay? Will you swim at a hotel pool like if you check into like the residence in and there's a pool you're gonna take a dip if You jump into a pool With all your clothes on do you consider that swimming anything now?

And do you consider that having clean laundry are you jumping in or you're doing in if I jump in a pool and I have like The you're wearing that yeah, I would consider that laundry and a bath Really you're doing you're doing this at like the hotels no, but I Was the last time you showered from right now, oh jeez Really? Yeah, it's because you smell good. You look like I got it was Five days ago. No shit. No, you haven't been in any water 700 pounds you did pee yourself though, or you bring me into this

you fatty well 1,700 pounds you did pee yourself though or you bring me into this Sure, no you're not wrong the more you the more folds the more you have to wipe Hey, true words never been spoken Five days ago Wow is that normal? Yeah, it's more than that is Are you with the other my use deodorant? as as a preventative measure what what brand we talking anything? Old Old Spice, okay, okay happen to my wife Yeah, she's been gone a while yeah, no Whatever they have a Dollar Tree. Do you have Dollar Tree?

Yeah, that where you're buying your your you're making regular Dollar Tree stop. Yeah, I love Dollar Tree. That's fun, right? Get a bunch of shit. You don't really need in a quarter for everything. Let me ask you What are you whipping around town in at back at home? What do you drive? On tour we have a suburban that fucking Andy Andrews just crashed into a fuck wait, so you'll drive the suburban Everywhere water plug the fire fire hydrant. I didn't see it. What's right in front of the fucking car? And this is a car say eighty thousand fucking dollar card that beeps if you're like even close to a thing No, where does that suburban live? At the house? Arizona, yes. Well, everything's in.

But that's like if you have a gig in. So that would be if we were touring West Coast anywhere, if we're driving, like if we have, you know, six weeks in the Midwest. You'll take that. Yeah. Well, you drive from Arizona to the Midwest. Yeah. It'll meet you there. You'll drive it Yeah, we'll drive it there. Is it a newer newer suburban? I said 80 grand. Yeah this year But I haven't I haven't worked so it's only get 2,000 miles on it and a fucked up fender because Andy drove straight into the

Goddamn fire hydrant that was parked right in front of it To go to the corner store two blocks away. But I also just went to a place, a Hyundai Sonata. OK. And Hyundai Kona for the lady. She drives a little Kona. And she loves it. OK. Very good. Not too bad. And we have also a piece of shit pickup truck for the dump It's a 1999

Ford s10 Will you um, will you like if you're driving on a road trip out to Chicago or whatever? Will you also do some of the driving? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah like to drive. I it's if I had to sober up I would do it just by driving around the country because I Can drive from fucking 30 hours? Because if I'm not drinking I can't sleep anyway, so I gotcha yeah, I've done Madison to Bisbee straight That was like 31 hours or something what you drove for

Cuz hey, I can't sleep guys redlining it Did you leave after the gig or did you say you like you did the show? Okay, that would probably be the last time I didn't drink during a show, but I still probably had two beers be the last time I didn't drink during a show but I still probably had two beers. Yeah that's not drinking. Yeah exactly. I thought we were on the same page here baby. Say no more buddy. Ah that's not drinking.

Okay huh. What's uh do you have any uh. Aspirations or ambitions? No. Do you have any like rider requirements or if you like to do before a show or like hey I'll make sure I have this kind of booze or anything. Well, I quit smoking a year and a half ago, except for Skank Fest. I fucking smoked at least five cigarettes at Skank Fest.

That's not bad for Skank Fest. That don't count. That's like two beers. That ain't drinking. It felt like real, because I was upset with myself. Like I was smoking last night. I smoked cigarettes. I smoked for 40 some years and quit a year and a half ago. That's crazy.

And then I can't believe I was smoking. Like a phantom cough. Like I got my old cough back just from five cigarettes. Do you vape or do... No, no, I quit cold. And you're drinking. I give you credit for that That's tough. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we were at the mothership in the

Well light them up you pussies. No, no the mothership the last time I went we were there That was when we saw you and I took a dragger red beds. Fuck. I think you did and you're like you're like, hey I'm six months, you know, and I remember being like is it tough and you're like this is tough because there's like 15 of us Oh, wait, that's when you were Performing yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we were we were there and we were in the green room and you were like now I quit whatever it must have been for I went back this whenever the Edmonton Oilers were in the playoffs because Tracy our friend is an oilers fan. I go if they make it to game seven I'll come out and watch the game with you and they did because and I like fuck now we have to go to

Texas and That's where we went into it was closed lockdown for just the comics into the whatever the bar is called Yeah, and it was like 1968, mad men, clouds of smoke. That's the best. It's where it's like from like six feet up. You know, like it's not down at the grid, it's just like all living at the top.

I sat down with Tony and Red Band, and I'm like, just give me a fucking break. You can only fight it for so long. They rip them like detectives. But no one ever smoked like I quit and everyone else started everyone quit drinking I kept going They have trailblazer nobody's yeah, but now everybody smokes including you fully Do you have any as seen on TV products at the house?

Big mouth Billy Bass anything like that. Oh be a snuggie Chop no, I Fuck I don't think so any collections of any kind I collect Vintage Delta. I'm a big Delta guy like member bit of it like anything from Delta vintage like the airline Yeah, the airline. I'm a big Delta guy like memorabilia like anything from Delta vintage like the airline. Yeah the airline. I'm like Delta men just hit that just diamond diamond. There you go. That's big time just hit platinum It's something Ain't silver it's not 360. I've never hit 360. No, I'm not impossible. I have I have flown

So many crazy flights on Delta like just to back in the day to hit status now You it's just about how much money you spend but back in the day I flew a mile Tucson to Atlanta to Johannesburg Amsterdam to Detroit to Las Vegas to Salt Lake to back to two without leaving an airport that was just 77 hours 57 in the air just to hit fucking diamond and just to test my fucking that's what old road dogs used to do because it was only miles and had to do yeah

It's like five days. Yeah No, no 77 hours. There's like three days. Is it? Yeah, you pussy Three days and five hours But I did that a lot That was that's the one time that I But I've done those and I went to Singapore, Japan to Singapore to I've gone to Australia, but just never leaving an airport.

Have you been to these places before? Pub crawl hashtag was my thing. That's pretty good. You've been to these places before where you went out and saw the sights and stuff like that. I don't like to see things. So you've been this you flew to Singapore and didn't leave the airport Singapore Airport look it up it's probably not Changi Changi it's always rated the best airport they have a fucking butterfly

like thing exhibit yeah yeah you go in and you hang out with butterflies. They have an indoor fucking school in there You're killing the butterflies Sorry folks. I'm diamond. It's okay. These butterflies are addicts. They love the cigarettes. Do you like flying you fly up front? Now yeah, yeah, but no no we we went coach halfway here Was it was the flight to Johannesburg and all that stuff? Was that in the back? Yeah. It was awful. It was fucking awful because I did it. I did it more than once.

And the last time I'm like, why? Oh, my ass hurts so bad. I have no meat on my ass. So my ass hurts. We're flying up. Oh, fuck. I I can't talk about we're going to a war zone I just it could be 12 I just bought for 599 they have these blow up ass cushions for people in wheelchairs so they don't get bed sores I'm like I need that I'm gonna need that because I remember I'm gonna. He's gonna be four inches higher in this. 75 hours of travel in a week. That's fucking nuts. Um I mean clothes.

Where you get, I mean, you're put together. It's sharp. That's a nice looking jacket. The shirt, the tie, everything works. The tie clip. This is a premiere jacket by the way. It's a what? Premier jacket. Never been seen, never been worn. Whoa! What an honor. Got it off the eBay. Spent too much money on it. What's too much? It's $127. That's not too much for a jipper. $100, $27 shipping on eBay. That's a beautiful jacket. It's really good. You have to hope they fit perfectly. I know. I have a comedy question.

Yes. How do you do it? Help me out. What's a tag? What was the first big check that you got in comedy? And what did you do with it? $10,000 San Francisco comedy competition when I fucking wiped the floor with Dane Cook.

I didn't wipe the floor. I had a fucking neck and neck competition for three Cook. I didn't wipe the floor. I was at a fucking neck and neck competition for three weeks. What year is this? 1995. Wow. Yeah, $10,000 was the most money you could even imagine in the world back then.

What'd you do with it? Moved to Los Angeles, and Hedberg hooked me up with, I stayed with him, and at that time. Janet Johnson was his gal pal. So you've always been kind of pretty good with your money as far as not blowing it on stuff, jet skis or anything like that. No, I was never a thing guy.

But now now I just I do buy too much stupid shit. I fucking drunk eBay jackets. Yeah, I fucking drunk eBay Jackets yeah, I have way too many jackets, but I do sell them do we do eBay yard sales no Yeah, you have to but you're not like collecting cars or motors You're just buying like consumer stuff, but and all the Delta shit I I only get it to give to flight attendants that are cool. I like here like today What is that a 75 year anniversary

Pin ah, I know do you want it here you go and and I give it to cool flight attendants And then they let you drink longer. Yeah, he's always trying to get the sauce, you know what I mean? I respect it. I mean, dude, I'm gonna start doing that. I only had one drink on the two flights it took to get here. We left Vegas at 1 AM, which I don't see 1 AM. When's the last time you guys saw last call? You actually, they were like,

all right, you gotta drink up. Sooner, yeah, not that long ago. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially in New York, we're doing late spots at the cellar or something. It's like, I don't get done, I might not get done till 2.45 and I go out for a couple of condoms.

You're saying usually, usually you're in the dirt by then, you're out. Yeah, by 10. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah But a small town and sure We're not doing spots. You're fucked up though. Oh No at home, I mean how fucked up do you have to I know pretty fucked up in my so you like to go to bed Early is what is what you're saying? Yeah, go to bed early older gentleman. Yeah, that's the thing about medicating your way to sleep you go, okay?

I'm kind of tight. Okay, I'll take a Benadryl and a Xanax and 5 a.m. And I have confidence sure and is that when you get up you get up early you like yeah no, I wake up sure and is that when you get up you get up early you like you know I wake up early and but I get shit done regimented man get your oatmeal in get my oatmeal my smoothie and Then whatever I don't have dogs to walk they're all dead I feed the cat clean the cat box Hey, you are one of a kind, brother. You are the fucking best.

Where are you guys going next? You wanna come? What does he mean? We're doing Johannesburg. Have you done? No, no, no. We just did Route 66. We started in Chicago, went all the way to LA.

We had a bus, went all the way to LA. Did stops all along the way. Wait, Route 66. Because here's what I want to set up, but without a passion to do it, is the Underground Railroad of Los Angeles to Austin. Okay. Because you could set up Palm Springs, Yuma, El Paso, like that whole, there should be five gigs on the way. And then on the way back, there you go, Austin's overrated, this place is burned out

in fucking 1990 when I owned it. And you go, yeah, so people could do. On the way back. Yeah. That's pretty good. I like it. Huh? I really I love the Austin thing just because I hate New York and L.A. so much. I mean, as somebody who lives in New York, we've now

I've never really spent a lot of time in L.A. I mean, Austin's fantastic what they built, what, you know, I Rogan and Tony. I mean, it's it's an amazing to be able to like, from our perspective, be able to go down and experience it. Hangs down there It's all the best. Yeah, and they're the fucking best. I love those guys I used to be Austin when it was kind of burned out in the late 90s was Everyone was Bill Hicks sure

So and everyone there was still a million comics there all clogging up open mics With opinions that didn't have punchlines I Got a couple of them too. And now it's just every comic has oh I Can't even remember who was the last person at skankfest that said yeah, no my other place in Austin I'm gonna be there, you have a other place? People are seasonally Austin because. Will you dance at a wedding? No, no, but I wouldn't sing karaoke at a karaoke night,

but I did. Where? I would dance at a wedding, but I wouldn't. I would be ashamed that I did. Sure. I might. I might dance at a wedding. I might sing at karaoke.

If ecstasy is in my system, maybe I would dance. I got enough poppers in me. Huh, I mean. I mean. Yeah. Come on. What kind of cologne do you wear any cologne? No, I high karate was a thing my dad had. As a kid, you'd splash some on your face. You were shaving even though you didn't have hair and it burned and you loved it. Sure. And that's how you got into you know know oh, I need you to beat me before I can come Think that was the slogan I don't I wish I had my goddamn list with me

We had covered enough I Yeah, I mean I mean I got I mean I mean, I will part two, three, four, five and six are needed in the future. Next time you come next time you're in New York, of course. You open your eyes under water in a pool. I have contact lenses, so no now. OK, yes, before I had contact lenses. Do you like breakfast in bed?

Will you have a breakfast in bed? Yeah, I've heard you asked this before. And so crazy. But because Bingo and I were talking about this one. We were asking I Picture when you say breakfast in bed. I guess of course thing. Yeah, that's what I mean tray over you Yeah, not eating a fucking Bagel or something. Yeah laying down. Yeah sausage and egg McMuffin Yeah laying down. Yeah sausage and egg McMuffin

Sitting down no, that's like eating what you're I don't even have a chin so if I was laying down in bed No, I would not do that okay be terrible just Physically aesthetically unpleasing do you bite your fingernails? No, that's fucking gross That's that's fucking gross Here's what bothers me mouth sounds Okay, which is very listen to this Bigwin is on like NPR. Yeah, they're this closer to the mic. Hi, I'm Lakshmi Singh And I'm Lakshmi Singh Work and Biting your nails. So what do you do? No wind is the other thing that bothers me. You say wind wind

Yeah, the sound of wind. No just being in a windy situation I agree with that angry and I think it might be I've tried to You know when you get a song stuck in your head but you haven't heard that song and you can't understand and you try to backtrack to why is this fucking stupid song, there's one by The Who that I always, like when I'm doing dishes I'm like why. You better, you better, you bet. No, that's weird, why? You better you better you bet. No, that's that's weird.

That's the one that was in my head. And I'm like, that's not the song, but that was I was listening to it this morning. No, it's a Babo O'Reilly. No, it's a fucking very obscure one. It's the fuck. I'll get back to it. Anyway, where you try to backtrack to. Why?

Yeah. Why you're bothered by it. The wind is, I think it's because when I grew up, I smoked cigarettes from age 13. Okay. And I'd love to read the newspaper and wind. But when you try to light cigarettes with a match and it would blow it out and it would or lighter, which is I fuck you.

And it would blow your paper around. I think maybe that's why I fucking hate wind so much. It makes me like physically stand. But you can't kill wind. No. And balloons are also I hate balloons. I have an irrational fear of balloons. Okay. Like the no, no, no, them being blown up. Anything that could explode scares pop. Pop. Yeah.

Like a balloon in its natural environment. But it being blown up near me. Was right on the edge of popping. Yeah, when I'm at Safeway and they're doing the fucking balloon. Kshhh. No, stop it! So you don't like nitrous?

No, I don't. Well, man, it's Kitsch 22 right now. I bowled through. The gentleman caught me in the quandary. How dare you, sir. I fucking love both of you. Funny, we love you, man. Have you ever saved, oh this is a big one for you, have you ever saved a crowned royal bag? I think I have.

Oh, wow, what a picture of your wilt being done in them. But, first of all, you, I want to know your writing process of wilt being done in them, but first of all you I want to know your writing process of this cuz How many questions there's have you ever? How many questions has any fan of yours has anyone on reddit? No, there's about we each have a couple hundred that we pull from and like some we have a state We have a line of staple that we like to ask each guest So everybody gets to see what their answers are like, you know the the grocery store growing up the street

The great that's why I love this podcast is I play with myself. I don't There's other podcasts that you go, all right. Well, who's the guest? But this you go, oh, I'm going to like I listen to this podcast going. I I want to answer. I'm yelling at the screen and it's the only the Like, I'll tell you that. I mean, honestly, on a statin fatty. The fact that you listen is fucking the genuinely the coolest thing.

Yeah, we fight. Yeah, that's it's it's amazing. Thank you. We love it, man. Mm hmm. I mean, you're 100 percent trash. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like balloons. You don't like the wind. I'm afraid of balloons and I hate the wind and I want to punch it in the face. And he peed on his pants three days ago.

Hasn't showered in five days. And I guarantee you, I can find a witness that's a comedian that you would believe that I go, should I wear those pants on RU Garbage? Because they're the same pants as these they're just a different pair I should just to be authentic where the pants I pissed in the urine pants but I didn't I appreciate you cleaning it up yeah ladies and gentlemen mr. Doug Stanhope one of the best one of my

favorites yeah one of the best anything you my favorites. Yeah, one of the best anything You want the folks out there to know any dates or anything or you're off the road for a bit? No No, we're going to a war zone Yeah, but I didn't say where Baltimore So but no I have a special that I recorded about a year and a half ago. Okay. I hate myself so much I couldn't even watch.

But then I saw a special, I'm like, all right, if that's going out. I love how his brain works. I better put mine out, because there was one bit on that special where I'm like I Wrote that same joke it I Unfortunately didn't do it on my special, but it was about you

I'll tell you after them so that's going out on my patreon that of like 1100 people are on Homies our patreon go support fucking Doug's Patreon. It's fucking And we have so much stuff that I got a new kid from Australia That's doing all these he's he's downloaded all this shit and digitized like Old school like me on Dennis Miller's like that's all all sorts of like old school like me on Dennis Miller's like that's all sorts of like old school shit. So, yeah, we're the Patreon is coming hard. And I've taken a year and a half off the road, but put it into let's let's do some shit from home.

Well, remind folks who I. You're one of the best. I mean, I'll say one of the best I mean I'll never do it yeah You know that what you're the first person that I ever opened for oh yes, where yes, Philadelphia the truck I was upset. I didn't get the game shit. Yeah, was that uh was that Sarah Palin days this would have been 2000 probably 2009 or 10 or maybe 11. Yeah, it's probably 2009.

The Trocadero Theater. Yeah, yeah, no, I remember, there's one clip that's out there where I have this bit that I got actually before any kind of Me Too shit, I got in some UK trouble where they tried to call me out. I'm like, no, I was making fun of, but it was about Sarah Palin having a retard baby. And it's, I don't know if you were there.

All right. All right. Doug Stanhope, everybody. Thank you, Doug. Kibbe, what do you got for him? Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. There's still a couple tickets left for Philly. Get those there and we love you. Thank you. Gang, we love you. Doug, we love you the road for a little bit. There's still a couple tickets left for Philly. Get those there.

And we love you. Thank you. Gang, we love you. Doug, we love you. Thanks, man. We'll see you next week. Peace.