Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Drunk Tattoos w/ Mike Cannon

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Mike Cannon! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Displate: https://www.displate.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Kip, how about that state trashy tour? Low ticket alert. Moving some tiki wikis. Gang, listen, here's the turkey. We've been all over the country. We're coming again. It's a good time. Stand up comedy, play little AYG with the crowd.

Come and hang. Yeah, guys, this is just the first leg. In March, we're starting Baltimore, Maryland, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Richmond, Virginia, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Houston, Texas, Austin, Texas. And in April, we're doing New Haven, Connecticut, Burlington, Vermont. Then in May, we're doing Tampa,

Dania Beach, Florida, Raleigh, North Carolina. Then in June, we're doing Cleveland and Columbus. We're adding more cities as tickets are going quick. Something we're about to sell out if they're not already sold out, so don't snooze on this. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.

Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Hey, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. After just a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antutti's basement, a little bit of a solemn day. She's been bedridden for most of the week. Went to the doctors. She's not looking good. Uh-oh. My Carlos is coming at you right next to me.

He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman. He's my best pal in the whole country. You off your meds? What the hell's happening here? I love him. Did you just kill off Tutti? Is that what you're doing?

You gotta run that by me, dude. I give you carte blanche on the Tutti's, but if you're gonna throw her down an elevator shaft, I gotta know. I gotta make sure her fares are in order. Give it up for KJ. You gotta take this right, everybody. Say a prayer, ladies and gentlemen.

No, no, she's fine. Light a candle. She's fine. Ah, what's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, and you subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube

as you know those numbers are. Trotter out. Cookin'. Cookin'. And obviously the greatest gosh darn website of all dang Tutti time. Sing it, sister. I'm talkin' www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage, baby.

You sign up over there. You get a bajillion hours of content. It's closin' in on two bajillion hours of content. Episodes A, Y, G, you get episodes of hard feelings. It's a completely different podcast. We got a whole bunch of videos. A Disney video is droppin' this week. Hopefully, if Toby ever gets his finger out of his air.

We got that five seconds ago. They're waitin' for it. Clock's ticking, dickhead. See, you gotta say it on the air. That way, that way the listeners keep them on it. You know what I mean? I'm not sayin' it as a boss. I wanted the customers who'd demand it.

Hold them accountable. Yes. How about a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the four-mention producer. He works the ones and twos. He crosses the T's, he dots the I's. We love him. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins.

Toby McMullin, everybody. What's up, dudes? What's up, T-Bone? Know what you're doin' this weekend, huh? Just recoverin' from that bus-throttle, dude. Oh, yeah. You're gonna have a lawsuit on your hands, though. That's good.

Buddy, we got a killer guest in the room today. Yeah, we do. We have a standing bet. Anyone who wants to jump in on this can get it. Whose kid is gonna triple backflip first? Tim Butterly, Jeremiah Watkins, or Mike Cannon. My money's on Tim Butterly. Shout out to Butts.

We love you, buddy. He Butts. But that's either here nor there, because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly special guest back with us again today. One of our best pals in comedy. He's family at this point.

Sure is. One of the funniest guys out there working. He's got multiple stand-up specials over there on his YouTube page. So many. Too many. And here's the turkey. Everybody get serious for a second.

It's gonna be performing at the Gramercy Theater. Hey, Tootie's dead. It's just came in. I just got a call from the hospital. Each prayer card is attached to a pack of markers. It's on the back of a matchbook or something. I'm just trying to set up zombie Tootie. This comes back.

The last of us, Tootie. Gang, let's quit screwing around here. Quit tickin' around. He's gonna be performing at the Gramercy Theater Oh yeah. February 25th. If you haven't seen him, if you know him, if you love him, which I'm sure you do,

do yourself a favor and go check him out. He's one of the best working. We love him. Give it up for Mike Cannon, everybody. Yeah, Mike. Mikey. R.I.P. Tootie. No, shut up.

Are you? Shut up. She's the one selling the tickets. I wish her well. Thank you, man. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Yeah. Well, I love flowers.

No. I love the fact that that's just a major storyline shift and you threw it out there. Yeah, that's like universe altering in this world. I just said she wasn't feeling well. That's all. I don't know. See what happened?

I don't know. She said it's not looking good. Yeah, then would she make some miraculous recovery? Everybody loves an underdog. Everybody loves a comeback, baby. I don't want this. She's just sad from the Super Bowl? Yeah.

She's sad from the Super Bowl. Sad from the Super Bowl. That's what it is. She's sad. She's very sad. Sounds like drug seeking behavior. Ask me. Thought it was a soft call in crunch time.

What are we talking about? You going to the ER and trying to get Perkis? That's what's the matter? I had a bird's in the cover. How the hell are you, buddy? I'm good, man. Thank you so much for having me. Excited for the show?

Yeah, I'm fired up, dude. That's awesome. I've passed a panic, I think. I don't know if you guys experienced that. No, it really, I really panicked till it was over. Yeah, everything I do, I have this phase, which typically lasts right up until the moment where I'm like, who do I think I am?

Whoa. Every single time. And it typically always goes OK, and if it doesn't, it's a funny story to tell. Sure. But that is my initial, like, why? Why would you think this is OK? 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a posture syndrome. Can I ask, is this, this might be just a me thing, but no matter where I am or where I'm performing. I always shit my pants. I always perform with a little bit of poop in my pants, which is probably not far off. It's hot and cold at the same time.

You have to stop eating, I see you hot. My wee wee, like, shrinks up a little bit. That wasn't that far off. You get that, like, yellow. Yeah, you turtle, she sucks in on you. I get performance Adderall dick. It just kind of comes on top of my ball bag and just rests there.

There's no, it's your body's scared, you know. Even if you're not nervous, like, your body's like, oh, we're about to go do this thing that is inherently scary. Isn't that weird? Because we're going out there to make people laugh, right? But instinctually and genetically, that's there to protect us from, like, a saber to shod our dick off.

And that's the same response our body gets as if we're entering the jungle with a fucking spear, but we're just going up there. Dinder's weird. My dad hurt me. Hey, God knew what he was doing, huh? Protect the goods, you know what I'm saying? And what's weird is, like, that doesn't give you

a lot of confidence. No. If it should grow is what it should do. Yeah. You should have a hangar. Go out with a hammer. Yeah, dude, that saber too saw that shit. Yeah, it just chopped off.

Yeah, little, like, almost post-set. You ever see that Bieber dick pic where he, like, he, like, came out. Come on. Come on. Pick it up. What am I taking a peek at that thing? Oh, dude, it's, like, clearly post-sex,

because it's perfect. It's still a little red, but it's got, like, the gonzo-nosed angle. And it just looks like he just had a good time, but it's not fully. It's still got room to grow. No, kid. Yeah, it's a good piece.

Well, I got a tour on out there. I got a tour concept to pitch you, Mike. Mike Cannon presents Fluffed Up. Now we're talking. That's my solo pod. Just you wailing on yourself the whole time? Welcome back to Fluffed Up with Mike Cannon. Today's guest is.

He can only go so far, though. Each app is at Cool 60 Minutes on one celebrity guy's deck. Yeah. I don't hate it. I don't hate it either. That's actually pretty good. That's great. You're going to do anything special?

Because it isn't you're a New York boy. You're doing the Gramercy Theater. A lot of us. And we're not even, you know, New Yorkers. But it is one of those things that's in the center. Are you doing anything special? Here's the thing, man. It's like, I don't know if you guys do a lot of, like,

pomp and circumstance, or, like, fireworks, or you have, like, on-cash. Yeah, we got a pyro guy. A-cash brought an entire, like, Native Indian group out there, and they're doing dances on the Wilbur. I think it was a family, yeah. That was his uncle. So that, like, puts pressure on me,

or it feels like there's pressure to, like, make it a spectacle, to make it a thing. The craziest thing that I'm doing is, like, my wife is designing a floral backdrop. OK, that's it. There you go. Yeah, so that'll look, that'll look cool. Get a new shirt.

I'm involving the fam. I wanted to have a marching band come up right down the line. That'd be cool. Come up on stage. Did you guys do anything like that? Like, did you have a dancer, like, a subway drummer on a fucking, on a spackle bucket? We had a tiger that we killed after each show.

That was expensive. We lost all of it. We lost all of our profit, but. That might be the move. Should I get a spackle bucket subway drummer to just fucking open up the show? Yeah, there you go. OK, if you have any leads on one, hit me up.

Spackle bucket, couple of showtime kids. That's right, I pay an exposure. Get up, get them up there, get a homeless guy to come up and take a shit on the stage. We're talking. Lady selling churros. This is a New York show. Yeah, there you go.

Really New York it out. Lady selling churros. Couple of transit cops. Lady selling churros during the show, just walking around interrupting. I'll be quiet. They're not that bad down there. No, the subway churros are pretty good.

Were you banged up? Were you banged up? When? When you ordered a subway churro. No, I'd get them during the day. He's on his way to work, dude. He's eating them for breakfast. He's on his way to his office job.

I think I have to set him in sugar all over me. I'm like deep in Brooklyn, the only chance I'll buy those things is when I was like shit-faced and just ready to eat whatever. They give you like 50. They give you 100, because you ordered 50, I think. I asked for 50, and they gave me 50. And they're 100.

What can I get with this mess? Just leaves the cart and walks away. All right, let's quit screwing around, gang. This is a family episode. Yeah. We got Mikey Cannon here. We're going to be doing your questions from the Patreon there right now.

I don't think we need to do that. You guys think we're going to cut to some guy on the street or something? Sometimes I just fall into it, and I can feel the eyes on me. I am in the whole map. And you panic a little bit. Dude, he's dead. What do you want from me?

Have you hosted like a game show or TV show, or do you look up to Dick Clark? Because you do have very like host by the book. Sure. Vibe, you know what I mean? Yeah, I did the dating game. That ain't fucking host a game show. What are you talking about?

Fight game show money? I hosted Cosmo's Sexy versus Skanky. Really? Whoa, I think I remember that. I think I just moved into New York or something. This guy's famous. That's one of the most embarrassing gigs. I would see it stand out in New York.

I was afraid to make eye contact. He does a show with Glammo. Cabal. Holy shit, he has no security with it. Can you believe that? Wait, who was it for? Cosmo? Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Where was it? Where did it air? On YouTube. It was nowhere. We just recorded it for ourselves. It's good. I'll give you a copy though. That's how people watch it.

I had them a flash drive if they're interested. We had a couple of tapes at home. It was your VHS tape. But it was me, Lindsay Rodriguez, who was like one of the final hosts of TRL on MTV. She's like this hot Australian woman. And I was like the injected male opinion. I was supposed to be the dude's dude.

And you could tell because every time I go to speak, they just like cut to somebody else. It was just wildly inappropriate the entire time. Red meat titties. I'm like, don't you think that women are stupid? And they're like, all right, dude. You just really hate them. Well, do to their tiny brain.

I was at that point in my life too, like a 25-year-old fucking kid just angry at women for no reason. She's a whore. It's Madeline Albright. Take it easy, will you? Even more so. Well, they'd be like body language is just as important as verbal language.

And I'm like, well, then why can't I read consent from a foot tap? Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, get out. We're bringing a new guy. Cut. Well, yeah, my cousin's had a bunch of cosmopolitan when I was young.

Tug your little root to it. Did I ever? I would go through every single page and read some of the articles. Well, because the articles were sometimes. Learn how to give the best blow job. Did those do it for you? Because I read those articles.

As at night, whatever, this is pre-internet, you know? Yeah, you're at least learning something. Oh, shit, yeah. Like erotica. Dude, 100%. That's the benefit of us growing up, right? Is there was almost a gradual incline to porn, whereas now you are just fucking in double penetration.

Yeah, right away. Video. I mean, we had to go like pictures on the internet because your internet couldn't handle a video. VHS, whatever, DVDs. Jerking off to a magazine was such a weird thing. There was a lot of. It was East Bay.

We had good deals. They're going nuts over the cleats, weren't they? You ever tried jerking off to a Kelly Blue Book? Yikes. Did you guys hide or hide any of your stuff? I had a playboy. That wasn't a barber shop. Yeah, what do you mean?

My buddy Danny Seliger. This is how you could tell he had like, he was nine and his dad was like 400. He had like an old dad. Old dads are tough. Everybody can in story has a first and last name, but real guy. Oh, yeah.

And one of the best athletes. Is that the same with Selica? Seliger. One of the best athletes ever could. He could pitch lefty and righty, but was also like smoking cigarettes at seven. Like just, you know, whatever. He would have, his dad had playboys just on the coffee

table when we were 10, 11 years old. Was he married? No. Oh, no. That was just his home. That would be next level trash. Right next to the leather love seat. Sure.

I had a couple of friends whose dad, they were married. There'd be a stack of magazines next to the turtlet. And there'd be a couple shifted in there. OK, yeah. So I can tell the last one picked up. Discreetly. But everybody kind of, it was very cosmopolitan house. They were very progressive.

The mom, whatever. Yeah, they were, you know, it was playboy. So you could kind of get away with. Tasteful. Yeah, it's artist. You kind of get away with that. I want to read the article about Michael Jordan or something like that.

So my mom found my playboys because I put it in, like, my memory tub. Like, I had that tub-aware thing of, like, all my report cards from when I was a kid. That'll break a mom's heart. Dude, exactly. All your baby pictures are ripped out. Going through it, just seeing, like, her sweet little boy

and then peeling off a thing. And it's just like Jenny McCarthy peeling her lips open. Yeah. Hell yeah. And yeah, it was. But the worst thing I had, I had, like, and I blamed my friend Rob, who, like, I wasn't allowed to hang out with for 18 months

because I just completely shifted blame to him for giving this to me. That's what you got to do. I had a, like, a huge plastic Ziploc bag with, like, cut out pictures of naked women from different publications. OK. And cut them out.

Dude, and I used to hide it under my shirt. So I got it. I didn't even cut the pictures. I received the bag from a kid who was done with them. Yeah. And then I just. The heat was on in his house. The fuzz was cracking down.

He had five stars on GTA. They're going to start sweeping the cells. As he put it, the spark was gone. Yeah, I'm just not feeling it with these girls anymore. You know what I mean? All we do is argue. Shut up, Trina. So you have her.

So yeah, I used to bury them under my shed in the backyard because I had gotten caught. Really being horny. Yeah. We're not talking about shovels and shit, right? You just slide them under your shirt. I'm talking like almost rabbit digging a hole, like kind of like moving soil, putting them under there,

covering it, back up, popping bricks. Sipping a cup of coffee, looking at the window. Man, that boy really loves digging. Just loves the dirt. There's just dirt flying. He's going to be an architect. Say what you will, but you know. Dude, it is true, though.

Like for a long time, I had real anxiety worried any time it rained because I thought the rain would like displace the pictures and like kind of wash them onto my backyard. Oh, no. Dude, just living in panic. You loved her, you know? What are you going to do?

I said he loved her. Good girl. We, um. Wait, it was the same girl or multiple girl? It was multiple girls. OK. All right. OK.

That's what I originally thought. It's just all Sarah and Michelle Geller. Watch. Hey, I wouldn't need that. We stashed them underneath a abandoned tractor trailer that was in the woods. Nice. Not a good look.

No. I don't know how it got there. That's devil worship where I go from. We put it under where the extra tire would have went. Did you find them there? Or did you find them in the woods? Because woods were a big place to find. Woods were a big place.

Like no country for old men. You're getting hunted down by other kids. You just throw the bag of porn over the. There's a GPS in my porn, Omeg. You find the buzzer and throw it. It's too late. Some fifth grader shows up at your house. What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss, Mike?

Right? Shout out to No Country. It has a goddamn fucking star-studded event. Rural. Woo! I've mentioned my kid. I grew up with his dad. Owned a bunch of independent rental store.

They have video rental stores. They went out of business. He just kept all the porn. He sold everything else and kept all the porn. The kid did or the dad did? No, the dad did. Yeah, he was not great. But Florida ceiling boxes in his basement.

Hang on. It's like the money boxes and blow. Dude, it was everywhere. It's two. It's two and a half. I don't care. I don't care. I weighed it.

Yeah. Was those in one copy of Mrs. Doubtfire was weird. Which I called. I got dibs. Yeah, Gazonga's 3 was the first one we clipped from there. No shit. I watched a Flamingo ride on. That was my first ever porn.

I watched it with my buddy Timmy, his older brother Billy, and five of his old friends. Neighborhood affair. Like five of Billy's friends. You had one tape, one TV. And then I went into the bathroom because I felt uncomfortable. I'm hard and dizzy. And I walk into the bathroom.

Piss came out and they all were looking at me. And I was like, mostly come. That's how little I knew about sex. I was like, that's crazy, right, guys? I just came in there. I just peed come out there. No, you very didn't. We stole our magazines from a place called Paperback Trader

in our hometown, which was like a bunch of old books. And then I guess to fucking bring a little cash in. Yeah, keep the foot driving. Got to get them in the door with the news. Nobody's coming in for Paradise Lost, you know what I mean? Coming in for the action. Fucking Larry Flynn over here.

Sex sells. Couple of Jane Austen novels and fucking hustler. Couple of cherries. Did you got were you early on aim, too? Because I talked about this with somebody recently. But I used to AOL in some message. I used to go into the chat rooms. Like at first I was like in basketball interest and talk.

I was like wrestling and stuff like that. And then I would go into like divorce or sex or whatever. And I'd be talking to who I assumed were divorced women, but probably some sort of old guy and like talking about how to spice up their marriage and like what? How old are you? I'm like 11. Holy shit.

At my grandparents' home. Dude, I met like my grandparents, one computer in their living room looking over my back as my grandpa is watching the Giants. And I'm like, you know, talking to your 11 years old, trying to tell, tell, tell some lady how to spice up her marriage. Yes, your husband like roller coasters. What the fuck, man?

Delores, you got to get the magic bags. You need to go to action park, lady. Yeah. The show was sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh, yeah. Gang, if you got some things going on and you want to feel empowered, do yourself a favor, get over to BetterHelp and get on that online therapy.

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Got a little Seinfeld here. If you can think it, display can put it on a gosh darn metal poster. It's the only poster going up in my house nowadays. Put your butthole up there. I guess you could. I'm going to grade it R. Thanks. That'd have to come in a discreet package.

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That's display.com, code Garbage, or click the link in our show notes, gang. Come on, now back to that gosh darn show. Yeah. Thinking about it now, they had to have known it was a kid. They had, it just in terms of like cadence and the words that I got.

Of course. All that shit. But I'm thinking I'm aging myself up to 45 and like crushing the game. You're saying shit like boobs are rad. Yeah. Told you, just show them your cool boobs. Maybe that'll do it.

Maybe you show me your cool boobs. I'll tell him about your cool boobs. Is he still putting his wee wee in your cooter? That was a unique choice. Cooter was a big one. Yeah. Cooter was huge. Yeah, cooter.

The cooter. Shout out to a cooter. I feel like we're in a sleepover right now. I'm chomping up, I'll tell you that. Thomas is candid to get some pizzas in here, will you? Couple of beg-of-bites. Throw on gremlins, let's go. Oh, that was another time.

I used to, I've jerked off at sleepovers when my friends have gone to sleep. Late night, Howard Stern, and you try to like, magic eye the blur, like you can see a ship in the middle of a painting. Of course. But it's a labia. And then his big nose comes in the shot

and ruins the whole vibe. Yeah, but you know, the voice, something about the voice still helped it move it along. If he was off, if he was off cam, but he was just like, oh yeah. Howard can have a real sexy voice when he's talking to somebody, trying to get something out of them.

Yeah. Woo, man, you really get into it. I was always the kid at a sleepover. I just got lost in a memory. Whoa. Oh, man. Wow. I really, really went down the hill.

He shook me out of it. Kevin, you're sweating. It's been days. It's Tuesday. I have a big beard. I got to get to the Gramercy. I have a big beard. Oh, dude, I was gone.

Holy shit. Oh, man. Where'd you go? Tell us all about it. I will. You're talking to Howard. My friend of mine went on Howard, girl we grew up with, the hot girl we grew up with went on Howard.

We were... No kidding. We graduated. It was going into freshman year of college, I guess. Yeah, we were out of high school. It was going into freshman year of college and she went on to become like they took three girls and she became a playmate.

Holy shit. But my buddy was over at my other buddy's house and he called me like a hundred times at like 8 a.m. and I'm like, what dude? He's like... To your whole life. He's like, Shannon's topless on Howard right now.

I was like... Fucking took the chopper up. Did he put Kevin on the phone right now? Who is this? Howard described it. Described him. I remember that drive to that. It was about 20 minutes away from my house.

I was hauling ass. Shannon's on Howard's topless right now. Blowing red lights. You get pulled over. Where you going so fast, boy? You know Shannon, don't you? Follow me, young man. He puts on the lights.

Gives you an escort. That fat little bathroom. Got a jerk off in his friend's mom's bathroom. You weren't on it. Two motorcycle cops leading you down. You got a helicopter following behind you? Hey, man, you got to press in business. That's a good time right there, Kip.

That's where I went if you're curious. Hell yeah, I like it. That's like getting drafted to the majors, dude. That is a huge moment to be on Howard and then land Playboy. Yeah, here, this is her. That's small town. Did she go by?

Like Olympics. Yeah, that's what she went by. Yeah, oh yeah, you guys don't name names. That's probably smart. I forgot it was a big show. You know my friend, Phil Henderson. Mr. Sarah Kola, we need to see you in our office. Oh, man.

Did you go to high school with her? Yeah. Holy shit. That's just a man. She's come to our shows before. No matter, I'm sure. Talk about not having a shot. Look at you.

She dating dudes that were like in college and shit. There was nobody that hot at my school. Really? I mean, that's an anomaly. They were hot for my school, but they weren't like that. She's like universe hot. Yeah, that's crazy. That almost looks like, yeah, it's like plastic toy hot.

Sure. Where you're just like, this almost doesn't even register as a person. Sure, yeah. You're like alien. OK. So I don't have to respect you. Treat you like you're not even real and have no feelings.

It makes it easier to chop her up and put her in the cooler. Hey, Mikey. Barrier under the jet. Cut her up into pieces. This time it'll be a real girl. They'll never find her. Even I don't care how much it rains. You're going to get along with the other girls real well.

Mom's looking at the back again. What the hell is he doing out there? This is a deeper hole. Yeah, no good, huh? I forgot. You guys don't name names. Good idea. I was always the kid at the sleepover that fell asleep last

and woke up first and it was torture. That's what I hated. I hated it, man. Hated it. Everybody would be asleep. I couldn't sleep. Just laying there all jacked up on sour patch, kids. And then I would fucking fall asleep in the wake up at like 6

AM. And I'd be the one upstairs having caught with sitting there with the dad. Yeah, dude, just sitting there. How's Tony doing in school? I had a friend, Spets, the exact same. Woke up early and would smoke cigarettes with my dad out on the driveway.

He was 12. I wasn't ripping heaters. I had a bowl of kicks or something while he had his. In fairness, he's one of like six Irish kids. They lived on top of each other. He had a stressful existence. So my father gave him the green light. Smoking sick.

Hey, listen, you know, I don't condone this, but. But I get it. He had a rough paper out now. What are you taking your coffee on? A little bit of Bailey's, a gentleman. Oh, you bought your own whiskey. Thanks for coming, Sean. He's saying shit to your dad.

Like, if you ever need a little extra work, hit me up. I can help you out. You ever look at her side work? Notice the crown molding is not finished downstairs. Who are you using, by the way? Did you have anxiety as a kid? Like, did you have diagnosed anxiety, or you just thought you were like a nervous guy?

Undiagnosed everything. Still has it all. Sure. All down the line. It's born. I think he asked him he's working on it with an attitude. That's how it comes up. I'm working on it.

Working on making it worse. That's what macro dosing every day is. Like, I take a cool two grams of mushrooms every day, and I'm just kind of rainbowing through life. Yeah. I feel like gritting my cheese. Oh, man. The macro dosing, though, when you come out of it,

though, you feel a little bit better. Oh, 100%. It's a real tough ride, though. Yeah, yeah. I have a habitual drug use. Yeah, it'll do that. I have a period during mushrooms where it's like, if I take a full dose, there's a solid.

It's anywhere from like 30 minutes to an hour where I call it nope, where you're just not allowed to talk to me. You can't come near me. I got to process and deal with what I'm currently weathering. And then once I then the elation of mushroom kicks in, and then it's social. Then that's a different part of the trip.

There's like an internal period where I need to sword fight my demons for a solid hour. Yeah, it's like digging downward to get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very strange. But yeah, undiagnosed all the way through. Yeah, they didn't know anything about that. I had acid reflux when I was a little kid.

And they didn't realize it. You're a healthy kid, he was. I just thought everybody's fucking throat felt like it was on fire. I got bunions. After having bacon in the morning. Like literally just like, killing me. Up until in my 20s was the first time

I started taking anything for it. And I probably had it since I was 11. Holy shit. Yeah. Rough go. Yeah. Not bad. I had a buddy who was like, we called him baby.

He was so small in high school, he wrestled at 97 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes, just a classic target. And now he is 260 pounds, decad the fuck out. And he's as tan as can be, jet black hair. He's a Dominican man. He's fully trans- He's a triple form. He's a monster, too.

Monster. Yeah, but he used to get, the reason I brought him up, he used to get hardcore migraines at sleepovers. And my mom would feel so bad for him because he's a sweet little Swiss miss boy. And he'd be like, Mrs. Cannon, I don't feel good. Can you call me? He's not a lisp.

He's like, come here when we does hood. He's like, come here when we does hood. So she'd have to stay up with him at fucking 3 AM. Migraines is a little kid. Yeah, my sciatic is acting up a little bit. But that's that same shit. It's like undiagnosed anxiety. They didn't know anything about that shit back then.

I learned about it in mid- Nothing. I remember my dad going, I was like panicking over something. He's like, oh, you're a wary wart. I'm like, it's also because you're an unhinged psychopath. I mean, you fly off the handle at any chance you get. That might have me on edge a little bit, pal. When I was in my 30s, I described depression

to my sister. And I was like, you ever feel anything like that? Or does that, because nobody in our family has ever gone through this before. And she's like, what do you mean? Our grandpa put his service revolver in his mouth in front of the family. And I was like, cool.

That might have made me feel less alone when I was a kid. Yeah. I didn't know what anxiety was. I was describing it. Yeah, I remember that Thanksgiving. I'm like, yeah, do you ever have to, you're somewhere and you just have to leave? And they're like, what?

I'm like, yeah, that's every day for me. I just got to get the fuck out of whatever I'm doing. Yeah, that's anxiety. Oh, OK. I have a thing now, which anytime, even when we went to Disney to film, any type of travel that's vacation-esque, massive anxiety about it.

Because as much as I love the fam and all that stuff, every single vacation we ever fucking went on, no matter what, there was always a war. Yeah, yeah. Between them, me and my brother would start shit, and they would just be like this anxiety of. Were you flying as a family? Never.

Never. Yeah, no, I never flew with my family. Never. My mom took diet pills for a little while. Yeah. And then she was flying. Fen Fen. She was rocking a couple of decks at her back.

I'm kidding, Patty, I love you. She was on those fat burners that killed those football players. What's that? What was Asper? No, not Aspertame, but it was a fedrin. Yes. A fedrin, yeah. When those kids, they were like doing two a days in the NFL,

like two linebackers just fucking keeled over. Yeah, we rocked those back in the day. Yeah, I just rocked something called Minithins, which they sold at 7-Eleven. But it would get you where you needed to go. Sure. Minithins. They did, they were, they were some kind of like bronchial

dilator or something like that. I don't know what it was. Sounds like Popper. No, it like amped up. It was some type of amphetamine. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, man.

I took Clonid butyrol, which is like what they found in Canelo Alvarez's meat, and it was like a PED. But it's a horse asthma medication or something like that. I take Albuterol. Yeah. What was he, a dog? He put it in his meat. So it makes you grow lean muscle and like shreds you the fuck up.

It's what I, I took like over the counter steroids and I stacked it with that, but it also tremors you out. So you like are just, I'm walking through life like this constantly. I'll just be fat, dude. Yeah. Now, now I think that way. But back then, I was like, what's life without abs?

Sure. Hey, you're telling me. If you ever want to find that, come to my house. I'll tell you all about it. All right, let's quit screwing around. Let's get into some cues here. Sure. Guys, so as you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon

over there. I gave him the pitch. OK. That was rude. Guys, as you know, when you sign up for the old. No, no, no, no. When you sign up for Patreon, we'll answer your garbage question on a year.

Toby's ball massage. That's a new one. New $10 homie. That's Toby's burner. Totally not Toby. But Toby is great. Is it garbage to come out of the bathroom and say, she's all yours to the next person?

I watched a female nurse saying it ruined my day. Tapping your style. You got a newspaper under your arm. She's all yours. I mean, that you at least know you're about to walk into an active war zone. That's not great, yeah. Yeah.

But it's kind of, it depends what you want. Do you want to be surprised? Like, walking into your bathroom up here, I walked in and there's an old man that works on this floor that potentially has the most rotten asshole in any human being. Yeah, there's a couple of tough cookies up here. I mean, he is dying.

He's a dying man. His colon is just decaying for being honest. No, it wasn't me. I know exactly you're talking about that. Yeah, he has like halitosis of the sphincter. And I saw what's so medical. I saw walking in before with a couple checkers bags. But yeah, I mean, at least, you know,

that was no Neutrogen bar, I'll tell you that. If he came out and was like, she's all yours, I may have been OK with it. Sure, I get that. But walking in and seeing him get like spooked and almost, you know, died. He pulled his pants up, bro. You smell the fucking ghosts of his past.

Man, that bath's not a good bathroom in there. No, it's tough. No, it's bad. No, it's brutal. I get a little when a lady comes out of the bathroom and you go in there and, you know, there was some work being done in there. Yeah.

And really, I don't know what it is. So it's worse. It's not for you. No, it's not for me. I mean, OK. That's not. I don't know why. I don't know if that's a hot take.

Yeah, that's. It's also, you're like, it's worse. I've walked in the bathrooms. I've walked into this bathroom last week that. I am. I am a disgusting animal. It was comical. It was like somebody said all stink bombs in there.

It was like comically smelled like poop. Let me put it this way. It just throws me off. I'm not expecting it. It's like a punch in the face. It hurts you, too. Well, we look at you and we expect that. Of course, you look at me.

You're like, I'm not, you know. Pooping like a goddamn trucker. You got to redo the drywall and stuff like that. If you walked through the Lincoln tunnel, you wouldn't come out smelling good either. Sure, sure, sure. I remember, I had one time. It's always a surprise.

You catch me like, oh, god damn. That came out of that. Yeah. Someone hit you with a, someone took a shit in there. Like I had that happen where it was like a single bathroom. I was like waiting for a minute or like longer. That wasn't me. It's the first thing I'd say.

That wasn't me. I was being. Always. Nobody believes that. A single person on face value was like, you know what? That's a truthful. Probably just doing push-ups in there, ain't big guy? Posted something for the gram.

Yeah, you were in there for 48 minutes. I was peeing. I did some laundry through a loading. I haven't inflamed prostate. It's trickling out. I bring a towel with me to put it over my shoulder. I just grabbed a shower. That's when you know it's bad.

When you fucking have to dress like a black comic to shit. You just have a towel over your shoulder. You Craig Robinson mop your brow after each push. Aw, that's tough. There's nothing worse than that. Home run of a question though. This one's from undercover Grimace for his time. Long time.

Merch for things you don't own. A Harley-Davidson t-shirt or perhaps a Ferrari hat. I remember my dad had Porsche driving gloves one time that I think he wanted like a golf outing and I was like seven and I'm like, you shouldn't be having these. You drive a Jeep, dude. That's a tough look. Did he use them to drive?

No, they were just like, he got them, I assume, like some raffle. I think something. And they were like, Porsche driving those with like a hat, like a Porsche hat. They also sometimes, they sell those at like flea market. Like my family used to go to the Stormville flea market. Most of my youth was spent going in teaking with my parents.

It's like fucking brutal. And they would absolutely like have no empathy for us. Never let us like check out toys or like get us something to help. Incentivize us to be human beings. We're on blacktop in the middle of Storm King, New York in fucking August. Those were the worst. Once in parking lots were so bad.

Cars are like trying to like, you know, I mean, dogs are trying to like get under tables to seek shelter. Like it's that type of hot shit. And my dad's like, what do you think of this old fucking, who gives a shit? And I'm just like, dude, this. I need water. Yeah, just the absolute fucking water.

You kids think this 18th century waffle maker would look good in the kitchen? But they had, they would often have like Ferrari gear. Or stuff like that Porsche gloves, short on jackets. Yeah, shit like that. That was hot. I never trusted adults that wore leather gloves. I don't know why.

OJ. Yeah. That's why I, in my head, I don't trust. I'm talking about the thin ones. Like not like thinner than ice atoners. I don't know why I just never trusted it. Like, like real driving gloves. Yeah, I'm not going with that guy.

Yeah. Beat it. I guess you're kind of right. Something's happening in my body right now that you're mentioning like those real, like when somebody pulls a glove tight like that. That had the button. Yeah.

Yeah, what are you fucking, every bonds get out of here. My dad drove. My dad drove it back to back. Like he was making money for a short period of time and then, you know, in classic fashion, just lost it all. Yeah, we did the same. He bought a BMW 325i or that like six speed, you know, manual shit.

It may have been only five. I have no idea. But it went up to 100 when I was a kid. And then he had an Audi A4 Quattro. And those were his two like race cars. Those were his babies. And he would fucking just pull those skintight. Take it out for a Sunday, Sunday drive.

Drive Mach 3 with his child in the backseat. Fucking fly that little pussy. Got to leave an old birdhouse. Yeah. Did they ever have any like big scores antiquing? No, no, there was never any like we bought something to make money. So it was only to decorate our home.

It was like, it was pointing out now. Like Pawn Stars wasn't around. None of that stuff was really, I guess, even in the ether. Like nobody, it was only like resell it at your home, at your home during the garage sale when your family gets destroyed or whatever. It's like, yeah. Nobody goes to see how much this is worth.

Family going out of business sale. Oh, dude, I had to get rid of my ping pong table. I had to sell it to a friend when my family's family broke up. Jesus. Yeah, we had a divorce sale right on the fucking driveway. And I had to like haggle with my buddy's mother about this thing that I had to get rid of no matter what. Jesus.

And she knew it. Wait, you're my. Well, together the cleaners, I respect that. Beat up a little kid on price when his life's in shambles. Worst day of his goddamn life. Well, it's not like your parents are getting back together. Where are you going to put this, in your dreams? Word on the street is your dad's already seeing somebody.

Yeah, he was. Makes you bring it over and deliver it. Yeah, what are you going to put this in your grandmother's house, where your mom lives, or the apartment your dad just got? It's not going to be able to turn the corner in the basement. What are you doing? This won't fit in the room you're going to be sharing with your uncle. Wow, that's fucking brutal.

Man, that's a tough one. I would have took a hatchet to it just to spite them. Yeah, I would have burned it. Took the money and fucking fucked it up. Here you go, bitch. Kick the leg out from under it. All right, let's see. This one's from Garbitch, $10 home skill,

and I have a question asked. Is it garbage to dress like you are classy, but you commute to work wearing rollerblades? I guess, you see that in New York, like a guy on a bike with a helmet in a suit? Yeah, or a scooter. A scooter is huge. What the fuck are we doing?

That and they'll have like a backpack on? Yeah. Get a briefcase. Or if you have a backpack, just fucking put your suit in it. Yeah. Like wear workout clothes. Yeah, wear normal clothes. Yeah, because I used to be a waiter at this restaurant

called Pasta Amore in Piermont, New York. And this is when I was actually technically homeless. My parents broke up. I lived on my buddy's couch. His family's couch for like five months. And so I had to get this shitty job while I was also trying to do comedy for the first time and like trying to also move into the city

to like start my adult life. And I had to ride my Harro, my BMX bike. Shout out to Harro. Yeah, you say Harro. That's Harro. Either one, I don't know, but I was fucking, I was rudely corrected in a BMX shop. So I've never made the mistake again.

Oh, it's Harro. Apparently. Ah, fuck that guy. Who cares? But I would, the bike is like 20 inches off the ground. I'm 6'1", and I'm in a shirt and a tie with black shoes and fucking black socks. Oh, I know, I've seen that guy.

And I'm just pushing a shopping cart. It is the saddest view of just biking a mile and a half. Yeah. Doing endos and stuff. Bumps and like kind of turning the wheel. Shout out, you guys riding on pegs and stuff. Yeah, that's tough, man. You see it, because I live up by the GWB,

you see it, dudes trying to not pay the toll. Yes. So they'll come in, they scoot over, they rollerblade over, skateboard all in suits. It's like, that's not the lawyer I want on the case. No, not at all. I could never get away with it. I'd be sweating my balls off.

Oh, yeah. Well, if you own your own bird scooter and you're using it to just go from Fort Lee to the A-Train and then riding it. That's what they do. I know. I come over, they ride out and like, gang. It does save money.

So I'm pooping a good idea. But it's like, it does make you look like a goofball. The city don't hit them up for a little bit of scratch. It's not like a scooter charge or something. They just cross the bridge. Yeah. Yeah. Easy peasy.

I don't like that. I used to not have a net on that. No. They put one up. I mean, they started their construction on it and put it up, and I think it just they net on what? On the bridge.

Yeah, now it looks like a driving range. Yeah. It used to be just a railing. So nobody can jump. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. No, that was the spot, man.

They get sad. There'd be cars just pulled over. Dude, they have. There's a guy that sits up there. Oh, really? And I didn't know. Lost my ping pong table. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, man. I didn't know. And I walked to, I was all fucked up. And I was like, I'll watch the sunrise from the bridge. It was like, you know, the summer was just just got to start getting kind of late. I'm like, I'll walk across the bridge. It's all fucked up.

Shirts all, like, I'm all. I just look like I'm really had the worst night of my life. Yeah. And the guy's like, are you good, man? I'm like, I'm just really soaking it in, man. Like, giving like real vague. One last time. Yeah, real vague lines about life.

Man, sunsets. You'll never see one like this again. Gotta get while the getting's good. You know what I mean, pal? Dude, when I was super fun, like when I was at my most destructive kind of trying to end my own life through drugs and alcohol, my buddy Tim and I, in Piedmont, would go to the Hudson River.

And we'd climb the fence. And at the foot of the Hudson River, he'd pack a fat. And I'd do coke off at DVD cases and smoke cigs. And we'd just be like, we got to end this soon, buddy. This is gotta end soon. Yikes. Yeah. Welcome to hell, fellas.

No movie show in the town. That's the first time I've seen Toby just like. It's a Gramercy Theater on February 25th. February 25th, ladies and gentlemen. These guys are real ball of sunshine. Let me tell you. Childhood trauma and more. You want to do something special,

get that broad that fucking lowballed you on the ping-pong table up there. I see her in the gym. Where? Still, in my gym. So we moved back to Rockland during the pandemic. And I go to a gym, which is like far enough out where I don't run into too many people from my time.

So what are you going to do it? But I run into her. She goes there all the time. She's like a jacked older lady. Really? Yeah. Huh. She good looking?

Kind of. I mean, yeah. Definitely, she could get it. I wonder if she still has the table. They have a new table. I've been there. We're still friends with her son. Gotcha.

And he has a baby. So we'll sometimes go over there. And she's like, you want to play ping-pong? And I'm like, are you trying to reopen open open? Jesus Christ. Dumb broad? I'm kidding. She's probably a nice lady.

Lovely. I respect the fact that you meet me up online. Thank you. I was not saying their names, dude. Leave that one. Write that down, please. Mikey, the tell-all. Tell-all book.

Christ, this guy's got a death wish. Buddy, I'm just swinging for the fence. What are you going to do? I love it. Dropping dimes. All right, let's see here. This one's from Pure Trash 84. Is it garbage to drink the night before you

have a doctor's appointment? That's really not Karen. No. But also, you give him a fair gauge of A. This is where I'm at. I'm not trying to church. That's like brushing your teeth a thousand times before you go to the dentist.

I'm like, hey, I'm raw dog in this. This is where I'm at. This is my day to day. This is a more realistic interpretation of my body than if I ate salads for four days, hadn't I? I've gotten hemmed up with that where I didn't not eat before blood work. And I normally ate, and they called me.

Like, that afternoon, like, you've got to get in here. What the fuck? Clestral's 88,000. You ever hear Sagalow's story about that, where he went to get his first COVID test and his blood drawn, and he has a horrible thing with needles? And he tells the lady, and she more or less pushes him aside, calls him a pussy, and he's like, you'll be fine.

And then he woke up, seizureing on the floor. I had a buddy, man, as soon as you pulled the needle out, passed the fuck right out. And she's like, what happened? He's like, I literally warned you. I told you, I told you I was a pussy. I tell you, just being a pussy. That's crazy.

I have no problem with needles. It doesn't even really hurt. Really? No, not at all. They usually have to go into my hand. It's a whale skin. You just go right in the foley. It looks like for a minute, it walks over

and lays in the corner. Do you have tattoos? No. None? You don't? I'm thinking about getting one, though. No kidding? Yeah.

What are you going to get? I was getting my dad's initials right here, I'm thinking. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's not bad. Because I'm in Kevin's face right here. Drinking before tattoos. I bleed out.

I know a kid, a kid, a kid, a kid's older brother would do it. Bleed out. A kid's older brother would do it. That's how the sailors used to do it. Well, you're not supposed to drink because it thins your blood, right? Yeah, yeah. And this kid came down holding a 30p,

had just gotten like a chess piece or something. This kid came walking down the basement with his shirt up over his neck. Just bloody. Just got hit. Looking like Denzel at the end of training day. Yeah, it's just like, uh, trying to get to the truck. Who's going to do it?

Yeah. You're just like, what the fuck? I remember my buddy Timmy and I went to Modern Age in Nanyu at New York, and he had drank the night before. And we got like, you know, matching tattoos or something quefy. And that's cute. The guy literally goes, touches his skin,

and it just started pouring blood down his arm. Yeah. He's like, what the fuck? He's like, you must have hit a seam. Ha ha ha. Hit a seam. Yeah. I don't, uh, I'm not a tat man.

No. I got a couple. All mostly regrettable. Hmm. Yeah, I just saw the one on your finger for the first time. Oh, that's why. Yeah, this is a, uh, this is like in lieu of a wedding ring because I just don't.

I don't wear a wedding ring either. Yeah, this one. I also don't let the ladies know I'm still out there. That's right. That's right. You'll make a mistake if the offer's good enough. And this one was for Mike Di Stefano. And then I have the Grim Reaper doing stand up comedy

on the inside of my arm. Wait, when did you get that? Like one minute into stand up comedy. Right after I signed up for my first over. I didn't even do it yet. You signed up, then went to get the tattoo. Two drinks I gotta buy. I mean, this forever.

Let's go. I'm waiting for my name to be called out of a bucket. Then I have St. Michael the Archangel and Gaelic on my left arm. Oh, that's the true dirtbag. Yeah, then I have a Gaelic Knot cross on the upper back where it's like more or less just a tramp stamp put up top. It's a full bullseye if somebody wants to shoot a rope on it. Guy Fieri on your calf.

Flavortown. And here I have the lyrics to Bob with the Bob. The bang, the bang, the E. Man, I love it. You truly are a dirtbag. Rockland County, you have a special place. Dude, you hit that because we're the same age, right? 36?

Yeah, I'm 37. Yeah, so that was a very, our junior high in high school and early twenties was a very specific time to really be a dirtbag of like the tattoos got very popular, rap music, the whole fucking. Well, the words you drink tattoos. It's like now like line tattoos and whatever. And like at least artistry is in sure that barbed wire

and Chinese symbols and shit. Like my buddy Rob crosses. Everybody knows a cross or some sort of word on them. The tribals were big when you guys were kids. Yeah, I was saying energy drinks were coming out. Dude, my buddy who's dead now had a full fucking try like he's Ukrainian and the full tribal thing all over his arm. And it was like appalling everybody that's walking around

like we want to. Yeah, I don't. It was tough, dude, everybody because rap music was so popular and like being tough. Yeah, with such a. I wanted to beat Jason Williams. Yeah, there you go. White chocolate that wanted everybody wanted to be like that

kind of dirtbag was like you sold drugs. You did drugs. You listen to rap. You knew somebody with a gun like everybody. Your clothes were brutal. Tough, dude. Jankos and all that. I mean, Jankos was early.

But yeah, when I think you have any nightly pipes, those are the off brands, right? Those were like the your mom loved you. Sure. OK. I mean, it wasn't a completely dysfunctional house. Yeah, yeah, you guys would be the same age as AJ Soprano, the character, right?

Probably. Yeah, that's the ballparkish like slipknot jackets and all that kind of he was younger and hated those kids. I wasn't a slipknot kid. No, I had that album. That album was all right. I imagine you in a lot of. Dude, I'm just looking at you so differently.

That album was all right. Yeah, fashion wise, it's all like cool now, which is weird. It's weird to see, but it is funny that like ironic. It became ironically cool to wear a big baggy clothes and Oakleys and shit. Yeah, it's it's very, very. Oakleys, dude. Everybody I know has like their son's face on their back.

Oh, my God. Or like, you know, just like sayings. Yeah. Only God can judge me, you know, all that shit. I'm going to be a killer to have my friend has blessed like LeBron has chosen across his fucking full back. Yeah, that's crazy. That's tough.

I have one buddy who's he had. He had respect was the first head or loyalty. Yeah. Oh, loyalty. He was big in the early 2000s. I we grew up. And dude, he was fucking everybody's girlfriend. And he's like he had loyalty on.

We're like, dude, the irony of it. Like that's what you chose. We grew up in a very like loyalty tough guy era. It was like, you know, like good for all that shit. And don't disrespect. Don't disrespect loyalty family. And you guys were kids. Well, it seems like that's when kids were really

getting hurt and fights. Yeah, we were like fast and the furious. You were hitting each other with like pipes and shit like that. Oh, yeah. It was no just fucking mono a mono duke it out. It was like fucking deadwood. You guys are fucking going to end the nose rings. We never did that.

My friend had my belly button pierced for a short period of time. Did you really? Oh, my God, dude. I have my heart. It was spring break. It was Panama Beach. Brains in his hair. I went to the Poconos.

I was at a water park. Was that Safari Sam's? What do you want from me? Come back speaking to Jamaican accent for a little while. One braid. Killed an agri Falls for the weekend. Loyalty was huge. The yearly 2000s.

That's so funny. That's such a specific kind of dirt bag. A white t-shirt, a pair of Air Force's, a fitted hat, something, and really holding a grudge over somebody. The same chain. You give me a pack of Marlboro Miles and a grudge? I'm in. Oh, dude.

Your generation was prime for the pills to take over. There really was. It was like the perfect storm. Because we never taught. It was horrible. We weren't taught about feelings, but we were slightly emo. So yeah, we just thought we romanticized being fucked up.

Or at least I did. I really thought that's why I hung on to drinking for even two years longer than I should have. Some still are. That's right. But I hung on to that image of, oh, man, this is what it is, the loser comic. And I get to wake up feeling like shit.

That's how it's supposed to be. I can see you being right at home playing basketball solo. Angry. Oh, yeah. Dude, you ever see above the rim and like preacher playing with no ball against the ghost that he killed? That was me at Veterans Park in Orangeburg, just crossing up nobody's.

Like be like, get off me. Get off me. You can't guard me. You can't guard me. You're not my real dad. There's an intramural team waiting to play. There's a bunch of eight-year-olds. Just kids eating oranges.

Horrible. You go out and shoot around at their halftime. That was all. Oh, nonstop. Yeah, nonstop. So that's like. That's not, dude. That was the corniest move.

When like any older brother or whatever, go out and shoot around at little kid's halftime. I would do it at my now wife's, then high school girlfriends, AAU games. So listen, this is a crazy. Like Shay won a real foul shot. This is kind of a crazy story. So I went to this game.

It was her AAU game. What I didn't know is that during the game, one of the coaches brought a water bottle of vodka and she accidentally grabbed it, thinking it was hers. She shoved it and like spit it out, whatever. But the dad was like, oh, sorry about that. Which would be like front page news now, but he's kind of just brushed off as, oh, she's goofy now.

It's a new Gatorade, kids. So I went out and I was shooting in between corners. You were older or younger? Same age. Same age. But we're like 15. All right. So I'm out there.

And there was one break where I was just unconscious. I hit like 12 in a row, just couldn't miss. And I'm playing with all these black kids. And then we come up on the bleachers. And after they did this whole thing where they're like, man, we're baptizing you black. You're good at basketball. You're fucking nice.

And they started fake peeling off their skin and throwing it at me. And they're like, you're now black, dude. And you're like, oh, you'll teach. I've just held on to that forever. Yeah, and you're like, this is now my identity. That's right. I thought you were going to say they

asked you to be on the girl's team. Hey, do you have a wig in the car for any chance to get you a dress? We had a big game coming up. When you were a little kid, if you were at your older brother's game or at like a high school game that like your cousin played on, and it was half time and you went out there and shot around, that was it.

That was fine. Trashy. That's when all the little dirt balls are running on the court. But if you're doing it as an older kid. No, I was coming out and blocking those children. I would do that where a four-year-old would come up and all smiles and I'd fucking punch it into the age row. Just thinking somebody from Nike year,

Adidas is going to be there and be like, Phil Knight is sitting front row. That's him right there. Shoe dog. Did you have the N1 mixtape VHSs? Yeah, every one of them. DVDs. Yeah, every single one of them.

I also, so I went, I was good at basketball early, and then I flamed out, obviously. But I went away to like Coke down by a river. That was later. That's later. That's when everything was away. That was in between basketball. Coke of a candy, Chesney scene.

I was going down and hanging at the quarry. It sounded like. That's not far off. Charges, Christ. What was I saying? I don't even remember. Who cares? You were dunking on some 12-year-old girl.

That's where you were. Yeah, who cares? I flamed out. Let's go. We got to wrap it up here, gang. Mikey. This has been a real hoot. You guys are the best.

I appreciate my yearly check up to my certified car pitchers. We have your still certified dirt bag. Cancel me in for once a 12-month favor. Some of everything we come on, it gets worse. We find out more. God damn, the ping-pong table's all right. Ladies and gentlemen, February 25th, the Gramercy Theater, Mike Cannon, super funny.

Get those tickets. Do yourself a favor. You know them. You love them. Go see them. We love you. Kippy, what do you got for them? We're all over the road.

We got dates. Get those tickets. Those tickets are moving quick. We want to see you, and we're adding more dates. We're coming everywhere, so just hold tight. It's going to be a good time. Mikey, you got anything else you want to throw with them? Here's the Scenario podcast.

Of course. For me, Sagalow, and Feeney. It's real good fun time. Start with your episode. You guys have been on. And yeah, we got to get you back. Toblerone, you're welcome as well. We got to do this.

Hell yeah. Good time. We love you, buddy. Gang, we'll see you next week. Peace.