Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Falling Through the Ice w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back for a family ep, and its a hot one! The boys talk falling through ice, riding in the back of pick up trucks, running out of cash. Thanks for all the support. Love youse guys.�� Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.BoxofAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE https://www.BuyRaycon.com/GARBAGE https://www.Stamps.com Promo Code: Garbage Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Holy bonko's kids, look out. The keep it moving tour is adding new dates. We're coming to a city near you. Come and see us, some stand up. And we play AYG at the end of the show with the crowd. We answer your garbage questions. We've got some trash so far, but I know. I know there's deeper garbage out there around the country.

So come on out and see us. Kippy, tell them what they need to know. Oh, baby, we're all over the place. New Brunswick, New Jersey, August 25th, down the- Tomatoes. Tomodium, Maryland, Magoobies, August 26th. Couple of crabs. Then we're going to Tejas, baby.

Uh-oh. September 21st will be in San Antonio, Texas. September 22nd will be in Houston, Texas. September 23rd through the 25th, Austin, Texas for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Look out. And I ain't done yet. August 26th will be at Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas.

What? We're bringing it back to Long Island, baby. What? In September 30th. And then we're coming home. The boys are coming, the chickens are coming home to roost, baby. October 27th, we're going to be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

And then back down to Tejas, November 5th through the 7th for Skankfest South. Get those tickets. The link will be in the description. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Sure is. It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they grew up to be classy. Or if they're just a big old piece of shit. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're down here at Antoni's basement. The summer is winding down. We're feeling good here. Sure. I got a little bit of a pimple problem on my forehead. I saw. Do not attempt to adjust your screen. Crater face Foley over there.

My co-host is coming at you rudely from across the table at me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's a fellow international businessman. Fellow? I'm joining the ranks, baby. Well, well, once you travel, then you can become. Paris, come see me.

My co-host. You can be an international intern. You messed up my flow there. First time I messed up the intro. Kevin James Ryan. I want to go on record that is not the first time he messed up the intro. Videotaped, videotaped.

You have T-Boon cut two or three tries out every time. First time recorded. Never blew it in front of a guest either. That's a long 30 seconds. Act like I don't pull my weight around here, huh? Either you or Rebecca. Hey, what's up, everybody? Happy to be here.

Happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof. True the fucking roof. Then patreon.com, where the rubber hits the road, baby.

Just hit 2100 patrons. 2,100 patrons. Means you're going to be doing a little golf. A little golf coming up. We're planning the AYG Invitational. It'll be a good time, a little bit of an Alding type situation. Trying to get on her Palmer.

Trying to get an AP, yeah. And then also, guys, get some fucking merch there. There's cards available. There's Kuzi's available. The link will be in the description. And live shows, we got a lot. What else? A lot of live shows coming up.

You're fucking. Texas coming off. Man, we're going to be in Texas for a whole week, chaos. Yeah. Sounds nice. It's going to be a good one. A little Tex-Mex down there. Sure.

Get a couple burritos. Burritos? Yeah. How about a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire. He's the magic man. He makes us all look good. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin.

God damn it. It's Toby McMullin. T-Bone. What's up, dudes? What's good, buddy? Back of the damn Buick, dude. Good to be back. Back in the damn Buick.

Back here in the Office Gang. This is a family episode. It's just me and Kippy. We're going to be answering your questions. Yeah. From the old Patreon, a couple from the old Facebook group. Or is that like to call it the Wild West? No, we're not.

Got to work through that Patreon back. I just thought we got to join one on Patreon. I wanted to ask you this. What do you want to ask me? It's sneezing in your shirt. Trash? You do it a lot. I do it a lot.

Nah, you don't even do this. You just do. You try a sneeze. You're the only guy who doesn't know a sneeze is happening, especially for how big yours are. You feel like you would feel that in your toes. I do feel them coming. Well, you're always, I just watched Pink Miss come out.

And it did nothing. Just fucking checked T-Bone's computer screen over there. That thing needs a sneeze guard. Like the salad bar at Wendy's. Sorry, go. No, I wanted to ask you that. And I also wanted to ask you, my cousin brought this up to me. Sure.

My cousin, Michael, have you ever gone in to pay for something, not had enough cash, and then say to the guy, I'll be back in one minute, and never to return? I was 7-Eleven in Boys Town, Chicago, $25. Still got your big bite sitting on the counter. That was a big thing. Anytime my card would get declined, I'd be like, oh, I got cash. I've also faked it.

Sometimes I'd be like, let me go get cash. Go fake the ATM. And then when he's not watching, I sneak out the door. Shout out to the Harlem Wah Wah, by the way. Fucking, that idiot didn't see a card. Pulling the car out of that lot. You feel like a fucking dirt bag. There's a feeling when you, it happened to me yesterday,

when you don't have your wallet on you, where you're like, somebody help, but like, because I got back from the DR yesterday. That's Dominican Republic for you non-international travelers. I also wanted to say, this is trash related. We'll get into the trip on hard fields. Talk about the rubber meeting the river. It's just a freak out hit of the century, folks.

Spicy. Take the Adam and Eve channel over there. Caliente, you're catching my drift this week. AYG, it's dark. It shows how trash I am that I went to an all-inclusive resort and still somehow ended up in the back of a pickup truck. That's in you. You can't, that's in you.

You can't be doing that, by the way. That's in, that's, I can't lie. I was kind of excited. I'm like, oh, I'll get in the back this time. You can't be doing that shit anymore. You got, you're a father now at this point. You're a responsible people. I got this trip playing.

Don't fucking bail out at me now. What was the last time you were in the back of a pickup truck? It's a good fucking time. I gotta tell you, it was pretty funny. So we were leaving the one place we were going into town to get a COVID test. Sounds fun.

No, well, we'll take you guys really tearing it up over there. Back in the country, you gotta get one. COVID test and flu shots? So I'm getting a COVID test. And one of the waiters from the all-inclusive resort, because they have like moped taxis. We're like, I guess for a couple of pesos, you hop on the back of it.

Really? Oh, it's all moped. It's like fucking Taiwan. You got to pay to hold a guy's waste. It's crazy. I mean, we'll get into it, but the streets are something else. Jeez. But I'm in the back of it now.

We're like in the city center. It's all hectic. Cars are breaking down. And one of the waiters, who I greased up, but pretty heavy. So he knew me in the main restaurant. He pulls up on the back of a motorcycle next to me on the highway, and he's like, what the fuck, dude? He literally looked at me like, what the fuck are you doing

in the back of a pickup truck right now? We're looking for the pool. Does this guy work with you? It's the sauna this way. He was like, dude, he literally did this. Look at the fuck you're doing. I'm like, I don't know, man. Hanging out, baby.

I'm garbage. Ah, it's good stuff. It was a good time, but to get back, so I went and dropped my bags. And I'm like, I need some fucking USA food, baby. Give me some fucking slices of zahm. What have you got back here? I got back to the States.

Boots on the ground in the States, you know what I mean? Good old USA. Went over there to a pizza place. Got three slices of pizza. Diet started today. Got three slices of pizza. Got the vodka slice. Got a grandma and a Sicilian.

That all checks out. That's fucking serious slice right there. That ain't too plain in a pepperoni. Holy shit. That's a lot of dough. And I ain't talking about the ghee. I'll tell you that. Jesus Christ, a grandma and a Sicilian?

No, well, there's Sicilian. There's no cheese. It's just like tomato pie. It's what killed Johnny Cash, I think. Jesus Christ. You can't do that. Can't fucking wash down a grandma and a vodka slice. That vodka sauce should just be sauce.

That should just be on everything. That should be every pizza. I don't know. Some places put the actual pasta on there, too. I hate that. That's real trash. I don't mind it if we're fucking being honest. Fucking big ziti slices with the bricks.

What order do you eat those three slices in? You got to give the Sicilian slices kind of tomato pie. Stack them all up. And boof them. I take my penne. I take my penne slice rectally, please. Stuff them in a condom and jam it right up there.

Which way would I go about that? What order would you do that in? Because I had to kick around a little bit. Now, if I'm alone, I could be doing bite to bite. I could be eating maybe. That's animalistic. You're going, no, dude, no. These are like murder cases.

You fucking open it and close it at the same time. First 48. You can't be dipping your toes in other cases. Yeah. This is like a homo. I would do the, I would do. You're nuts, dude. I would do the.

That's crazy. I would do the, I thought this was a judgment-free environment. I apologize. You thought wrong, Vance. Bite to bite. That's like changing holes in an orchard. What's wrong with that? It's supposed to.

Do your job and make sure the lights are off. The lights are off. I would do the vodka slice first, and then the grandma and then fucking to put me, to put me out, I would knock down a Sicilian. OK. Probably leave a couple of bites at that. Couple Dr. Peppers.

Couple DPs? Yeah, hit right on the couch. And Dr. Peppers. Be out. OK. I'll be in the, I'll be in sleep land. I saved the vodka for less. Sugar coma as they call it.

The zest to it. Huh? The most flavorful one I saved for the end. Oh, OK. Yeah. Because then you have something nice and it's like, give me the, I already had the high heat. Now you're throwing me a fucking, you know what I mean?

You're throwing me a change up. I couldn't do it like that because I would be too full from the. You could do it like that. Let's not get crazy. Oh, I could. Yeah, let's not get, I could do it like that. I mean, you know, get hired for a job.

You're going to do it with what you got to do. Sure. Got to get done, going to get done. That's the kippy motto. Then break for lunch. Yeah, but I went to the pizza place. I forgot my fucking wallet after I ordered. Then I had to give it.

I was hoping for him to be like, I'll get you next time. I don't like that. I don't like get me next time. Because then I think that I owe that that's in the back of my head. Well, you do owe the money. I mean, I know. And I don't lock loaded and hunting for you.

Yeah, but I don't like that. But I'm in that establishment. I mean, I walk by at least five times a day. Yeah, then the next time you walk by and you forgot the money and you pop in and say, hey, I owe you for the fucking. I owe you for. But what if you forget your wallet again or something like that?

Because I've done that where I felt like I couldn't. You're getting your wallet multiple times at your fault. I feel like I couldn't walk by the pizza place or bodega unless I had their money because I don't want that. Sure. Give me a bad name. Give me a bad name in the neighborhood. Yeah.

Already ruined your reputable reputation you got going on there. My boy did that for me not that long ago. Months ago. But I don't know who you're talking about. Pizza place. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't have money for it. I only had like a card.

You didn't have the 12 grand on you. Listen, I left my Bitcoin at home. I signed over my car. Please don't hurt my family. Can I squeeze a beef patty out of you? But back to originally what we were discussing. What? You can't be riding on fucking.

You can't be doing that. Skydiving, roller coasters. We should be doing that. I was in the back of a pickup truck. That's dangerous. You go fly down there. Yeah, it is. You go flying that thing and crack your head up.

What the fuck me and T-Ball are going to do? I don't want to learn how to do everything I do, I guess. Hire somebody. Get the card. Did he have a Chase Manhattan card? Dude, he mentioned a pin number to you. Did he have a tattoo? Was there a barcode on him anywhere?

You're bleeding out. Tell Foley the money. Is it all mine? It goes to my wife. Damn. Ice that fat bastard. Am I in your will? What?

I don't have a will. I could take it easy. Like everything goes to the broad. Really? Yeah. She moves her over. She already doesn't like you. Really?

Kidding. Understandable. All right, let's see. This is a fucking more on the DR trip to come. Excellent. Hard feeling. Or excellente. Excellent.

As you say, though. Before we jump into the Patreon questions, I got a question for the two of you guys I thought of the other day. Have you ever moved without using moving boxes? What was this guy? First day on the job? He was like, somebody show him the door.

We've been in here almost a year. Got to tell you how we keep the lights on in this dump. Yeah, fucking trash bags, shopping bags, fucking guitar cases filled with shit. I'm moving boxes. How do you even get them? My mom used to send me down to the grocery store. See if they have any boxes at the grocery store.

You guys are moving a bunch of Chiquita banana boxes. You got all your stuff on your head? Fucking spider's falling out. Yeah. You got generic cereal box, fucking. Yeah. Yeah, man. Of course.

When I first moved up here, I thought I was classy because I went out and bought. And you all, they fucking break you over to coals for those. I went out to like Bed Bath and Beyond or the Container Store or something and bought like, they were kind of the length of the table, like big, clear, kind of like, they weren't coolers, but like big Tupperware.

What are they called? It's not Tupperwubs. Tubbs. Big tubs. You're moving with tubs. I thought I was the shit. Those things stink. I had two big tubs.

I stacked them up. I could stack my whole life. When I moved from the apartment, I was in the heights of my boy to Astoria for the first time I got my own place. I moved in two of those and like three button ups on hangers. That was everything I owned could fit into two tubs. Took the bed from the kid that was living there before.

Maybe I got one to live in the tub. No, the bed, I think the kid left his bed frame and I got a new mattress or something like that. I had to lean on moms for that, I remember. I was like, I need a mattress. Not no more. Not no more. That's Helix.com.

Maybe that's next week. All right. Let's get into it. Yeah. Because we just moved T-Bone and he moved. That was a little shoddy. Yeah. What are you?

You fucking moved like an animal. You moved like you owed rent, like you were getting evicted. You stank. All right, let's get into it. As you know, this is a Patreon episode, or no, it's not a Patreon, it's a family episode where we were answer your garbage questions from Patreon, sometimes a Facebook group,

but we got a lot to get through on a Patreon here. Let's do it. Couple of dingers, by the way. First one is from Jack Campbell. Ever upgrade to the $10 Patreon level every three months to binge hard feelings and go back down to five? No, but I respect the rules. Well, you're costing me a couple of bucks.

I respected my man, do you. It's game to system. I didn't make the system. I'm trying to game it myself. All right, this one's from Johnny. My trash question is, have you ever hooked up with one of your mom's friends? Your mom's?

It was mom, so I think he's a Brit. From the island. Yeah, or Australia. Ooh, yeah. Hot Australian mom. Was there any mom you took a run, or could have taken a run at? Besides your run?

Shout out to Patty. No, no. I mean, my one buddy had a super hot mom, but she was way out of her. She was super hot. Her dad was like an alpha, like a real man. Yeah, sure. Not us.

No, no, not us at all. I don't think there was any. We had a couple of. You weren't pulling any fucking mom tail back then. I'm just saying, even an option. There was a couple of hot moms, but again, way too hot, like Stacy's mom type stuff. Did you ever cry in front of somebody else's mom?

It had to be comforted by her? Had a sleepover or something? Not as a kid, probably. They ran out of dinner rolls. Can't be some Amorosos. Shout out to the Amoroso. I'm a King's Hawaiian, man, myself. I'm sure my super tight friends is like 6, 7, 8, like 6.

That age, I'm sure, at some point. You bitched up somewhere. I probably got hurt, or like there were certain kids that we were just like together all, like neighborhood kids where you're like at their house or in the backyard, or what I'm sure, or something. Nothing rings a bell. It's a tough look.

Yeah, it's not good. I mean, I'm, yeah. Especially then trying to make a move on it 10 years later. 20 years later. Hey, remember when I shit my pants and was crying? Do you ever pee your pants somewhere where you weren't supposed to? No, but you have.

No, I haven't. Where are you supposed to pee your pants? Yeah. Some places pay good money for that. What the fuck? You were peeing your pants during at your boot camp? Well, it jumped in my head of like, have you ever peed your pants at like a friend's

out of school when you had to get the, I remember if kids ruined their clothes in like mud, I don't think anybody peed their pants. But you would have to switch into like a pair of sweatpants and a lost and found or whatever. You weren't the gym coach's sweatpants. Gym teacher's sweatpants. I had to do that.

I would go over like my bully's house and be like, let's go swim. We weren't playing on it. And I have to wear like the dad's swim trunks or whatever. You got a blazer on? This guy stinks. Well, we were like six. I'm like, you got anything in an XL?

Oh, it's a tough look. Seven year old double XL. You got any bad uncles that left them clothes here? Oh, man, that's tough. No. When I was like, husky was the big word. Oh, yeah. I thought it meant cool.

Tough skin is what we called them. Tough skin, they have like extra. Maybe that's OK for all the skin tags. Extra padding in the knees. Not an honor. Not an honor. Not an honor. That can't be pretty funny.

Not an honor. We got to start recording with the air on. I'm Schmetz. That's a new thing, by the way. Not an honor. No, never. I shit my pants once in, as an adult. Yeah, sure, all the time.

Yeah, as a kid. That's more embarrassing. Poop your pants at 40. Things happen. Everybody understands that. Yeah, I thought the opposite. I think you get a shit in your pants pass until you're like 13.

13. 12, 11, I don't know. Seven. Seven. That's still hot. I think, yeah, that's hot. I mean, I don't know. Dump a Rusky?

Anyway, I dumped in my pants. I mean, I was catching burnies already. I can't be fucking shitting myself and smoking marbeds. Clearing somebody's dad's clothes, smoking burnies, and shitting in my buddy's dad's bathing suit. Hey, Mr. Caruso, I shit your underwear. I apologize. Let me get one of those cowboy killers, huh?

Tell the old bro to get the stove top cooking, huh? You fill up the drawer. Where's she at anyway? She's a good looking broad. Trying to make a move on her. I shit my pants in kindergarten. Didn't say a word. Kept at a real low key.

Oh, yeah, oh my. Nobody sent me home. Nobody said anything. Yeah, nobody went to anywhere near you, dude. So like a fucking porta potty. Oh my god, you're just sitting in your kick-dass hole? Dumped in it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

and it was so long before I got home, it had like dried and was like stuck to my ass. Had a power wash? No, you know what's weird? It's like an elephant. In the mob movie of your life, you're like, and that's the day I learned to keep my mouth shut. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

and ever since then, I've never ratted on nobody. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, everybody's like, hey, Foley always never rats. I heard he shit himself at seven years old, didn't say a peep. I learned the two rules of being a gangster. Always keep your mouth shut and never shit in your pants. Nobody said anything.

And it, I- They were thinking stuff, I know that much. But why wouldn't the teacher come over and say something because it was so long that I remember when I finally took the underwear off, they had like dried, like the poop had like dried in there, and it was like sticking to my butt, and I threw it in the hamper.

My mom never said a word to me. To this day, we've never discussed. She had to find that in there. Sure. Man, how about that surprise on a fucking Wednesday? Trying to be a good mom doing the laundry? Fucking, boo-boo! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

but I must have stunk, right? Fuck him. Well, yeah, man, you stink now, and you don't have shit in your pants. Yeah, may not be true. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, one can either confirm nor deny these allegations. You've set forth upon me.

And that's the day I learned you can shit your pants anytime. No one will say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's the joke. And that's the day I learned you shit your pants. Don't say nothing. Keep your mouth shut, be a good kid. No one's none the wiser. Everybody shits their pants, kid, nobody cares.

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Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. Now back to the show. Oh man, you are another kind of- You're peeing in your pants places. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. You basically admitted it. Why would I not?

I bet you're the kind of weird kid. Cause you know, like every once in a while- I had to pee to bed. Give me a bed right now, I'll pee it. There was always that one kid, like when kids are little, but like I remember little kids have different little moves. Like when they were still in diapers

and they had to take a shit. Like walking to the corner, or getting out of the couch or whatever. But like I had this one cousin who would stand there and look at you. He would, he'd stand there and get like this- Through your soul, yeah. He'd get like this weird look on his face

and he'd just be like- And then like three seconds later, you'd get like a fucking frying pan to the face. It was a little kid shit, don't smell good. No. They're like fruity pebbles. Fucking bad look. God, that's funny.

Great question. This is on the same, this is the perfect, perfect segue, this is from producer perm. Do you go over the top or through the fly to pee? I think we've covered this. Have we? It's over the top. I unbutton. Unbutton what?

What do you mean, Mike? He's not talking about the jeans, dummy. What are you, a psycho? Oh, underwear. This guy likes it rough, huh? I didn't know. I didn't think of that at all. I had to see the denim one, I screwed him.

No, he's talking about underwear. The other side of my bullpick. He's talking about your underwear. Gotcha. And then if you're going through that little fucking, that little doggy door, you're a psycho. I remember seeing that when I was a kid being like, this is like a fucking medieval torture chamber.

I'm not putting my little guy in that. Not with that parental supervision. It's like a guillotine. If the elastic's too tight, take the head right off. This is the French Revolution, huh? Yeah, no, you go down and air it out. You get some, you get some daylight on it. Yeah, you go over the top.

You're sneaking out. No, that's weird. Also too, as you get older, there's a little. Who fits through that little thing anyway? I mean, I'm no show off. No. I can't get through there. You kidding me?

I'm trying to think in the sheaths now. I always, it's not even a process to go. Sheaths go over the top too, pull right down. My buddy's dad, when he's wearing shorts, he goes under the leg. I go under, I do too. Really? Yeah, 100%.

I'd be like a urinal down at Kenan's next to him and he's like, I'm like, yeah, what the fuck are you doing? Jesus Christ. Like a soccer player? Yeah. Like dude, hold on. Like he's got cargo shorts on. Just fucking.

Yeah, I go under too. That's crazy. It's easier. No mess, no mess, no fuss. No mess, no. But Jesus Christ, you're caught in a glitch. Yeah, I, yeah, if you're going through the hole, that's boncos to me.

If you have boxers on, that's a little different. You wear boxers, don't you? Oh, boxers make sense. Cause it's, you go through it. There's not the zig, there's not the dog leg left down there. Yeah, whatever that is. It's like a, it's like a door in space. You know, there's doors.

What? Boxers, yeah, cause it's just the window. That makes more sense, right? There's not like the double flap. Sure. It's just the boxers I would now thinking back, I would, I would go through with boxers. And you still wear boxers?

Oh yeah. Can't put the Python on the gate. Jesus Christ, boxers. They're old men boxer still. I know. They're like, they're like white with the gray lines on them. Yeah. Not on a plaid.

Haynes, nice. Oh man. Plastic. I got new on these. Oh great. Yeah. What brand are you going with? They're Haynes.

Halliburton. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's coming with shit already in them. They're Caterpillar. What? Halliburton was great. I mean, come on. I don't know, Caterpillar?

$9 million no big contract. No, they're Haynes and they're Tities. I'm back to Tities. Yeah, I need a little support in there. I got a little bit of an issue going on. Discuss it later. But right now, I'm all snug and nice. It feels good.

No tag either. And no waistband with the bunch up around my. So what do you have? This doesn't even sound like underwear. Just a soccer drum. What do you mean no waistband? I mean, there's a waistband, but it's small. It's not like the big strip.

They're not like old school shitty Titie Whites. They're new cool Titie Whites. I'll do a little. Is that what your mother told you? All the kids are wearing them. We were strict Titie Whites growing up. I bet you were. The tighter, the better.

That's how she liked them all smushed in there. All right, jeez. Brutal. What were you wearing as a kid? I told you I had the infamous pair of silk boxers that I would wear as a seven-year-old. What are you asking about people's moms? I remember I told the story where we went swimming

and I had them all like we jumped in the pool. And then we had to change. And they gave me a pair of my buddy shorts. We're like seven, or we're like kids. They're like, oh, change into, you know, here's a pair of clothes that's changing. And I remember handing her like she was going to throw them in the dryer,

like hang them out on the clothesline. They were a pair of like the fucking floral silk boxers. Hey, go ahead, Dolphys. Take a sniff if you want, huh? I remember her looking at me like holding them up like, what the fuck are the, what the fuck are the Ryan's doing? It's just that little fuck getting into it again. Killing it.

Now, Toby, you ever sleep with your friend's mom? Okay, that's a yes. All right, this one's from Grayson. First, first Patreon question. Is it garbage for your stepdad to also have a stepdad? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's usually how that shit works. Oh, that is, no, that's bad.

As someone with a stepdad, I would be severely more fucked up if he had a stepdad. For sure, that's trash. Fuck it, nobody's related, what's going on here? That's super, that's a fucking homerun of a question. That's funny. This one, I mean, this is the first question I want to get. We haven't touched on it in a while.

This is a trash move, and I don't do it. This is from Pavlo. Did you ever ask for a water cup just to fill it up with soda at the Taco Bell? It's trash, man. Trash, don't do that. I mean, spend the two bucks, you're better than that.

Yeah, what are we doing? We gotta try to hold ourselves to some sort of standard. Because here's the thing, every once in a while you're gonna get some fucking hotshot behind the counter bucking for a promotion. That's gonna call you out and embarrass you in front of the whole Taco Bell.

Maybe you don't give a shit, but fat guys, we don't like to be embarrassed or draw any attention to ourselves while we're eating. That's, yeah, that's also, yeah, I don't need to, I don't, yeah, exactly. That skinny, cool, good-looking guy stuff. Can't, I can't get away with that, you know? That's a bad look.

Oh yeah, I don't know. I don't do that. Even when I was super fucking poor, I would just buy the soda for $1.59. I feel like you're a big water cup guy, T-Bone. I've done it, I've dabbled. Yeah. Pulled a couple, one, two, three.

Chipotle heist. Can't do it. Walk out of there with a water cup and a free Tabasco. So many people steal a Tabasco, which is crazy. It's crazy they still put the bottles out, Chipotle. What are you doing? Yeah, it's nice. What are you doing, you idiots?

And they have the green stuff too. That stuff's like gold. Yeah. Love that green Tabasco. The green stuff ain't too shabby. The Chipotle ain't nothin' to shake a stick out. I wouldn't kick that out of bed either. All right, let's see here. This is Johnny C., first timer.

His question is just pub cheese, question mark. What's pub cheese? Beer cheese. Beer cheese, it's like the light, fluffy, What? Spreadable. Uh-huh. Yeah. Where is it? What do you mean, where is it?

Is it at a bar? No, it's like, it comes in like tubs like this. And you like spread it on crackers and stuff. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, fuck it. I didn't touch that until like my mid-20s. I was, I stayed away from it. I thought that was like,

I thought there was like horseradish sauce or something. I would love if there was horseradish cheese. I like pimento cheese too. What's that? I think it's, I thought it was that shit. I don't know. My sister-in-law always puts it out with their charcuterie board and it's fantastic.

It looks just like that. No, pimento cheese is a little more like mayo. It's a little more pasty. Maybe. I just thought I had pimento with it. No, no, it's creamy. It's chunky though. Creamy, that's what I meant. Creamy was the word.

Fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah. Really? Yeah, I fucking love that stuff. Pimento cheese sandwich is back in the day. I thought, I thought you meant, is it like, like the bars put out cheese on the bar? I know McSorley's does that. They put out slices of cheese and onion.

No, that's what you get when you order. You order food. It comes with like a paper plate with like two slices of cheese, three pieces of lettuce and onion. It's like toppings for a burger. It's like a nexium commercial. Yeah.

That's fucking a tough look. Yeah. And beer. But shout out to fucking pub cheese though. Say okay. Fuck yeah. What about, what about pork cheese? What? They're, it's the cheese that has like a little-

Red stuff in it? No, on the outside. It has red on the outside. And sometimes it's coated in nuts. Like a cheese log coated in nuts. What? T-bone? It's like a half dome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it called? Pork cheese? Pork, pork wine cheese or- Yeah, it's like red with walnuts on the outside. It's hella good. It's very similar in consistency to pub cheese. Yeah.

No, that looks like salami to me. I'm not fucking with that shit. Kick, rock. On a trisket? No. Shout out to the trisket. I'm straight up. That's the same stuff with the red stuff in it.

It comes in the tub. Now, I don't do that. I don't know what that is. Oh, I know what you're talking about. This stuff, I don't want any parts of that. Nope. I don't want raspberry in my cheese. Yeah.

No, it's good stuff. The sherbet on my crackers. Kick, rock. Are you a trisket or a wheat thing guy? We were a trisket household. Still are. Shout out to the rosemary, olive oil, the black cracked pepper.

Get some real chew out of a trisket. Oh, yeah. Takes you a minute. Yeah, it's all right. It's like eating cinnamon. The trisket challenge. But I do like a wheat thing. Sure.

Wheat things are all right. I need something on the little meat on the bone, though. Then you're a trisket man. I am. We're a whole trisket family. You go to the pieces house right now. There's about two, three boxes of trisket. It's just lying and waiting.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or not, but I'm a big cheese and crackers, this and that kind of guy. Love. Love all that shit. Love it. Just have that as a meal. Oh, I have.

Wheat thing is just an NPR cheese it, though. Sure. I guess you can see. Yeah, sorry. Then we found comedy in the hanging out the dry. An NPR cheese. Yeah. That's where you got that joke from.

It's like a Republican cheese ball, am I right? I know what you're saying, but not really. No, a cheese it. No, a cheese it stands alone. Of course. The cheese stands alone. Of course. You know what I mean?

But I do structurally, Toby, yes. Size wise. Size wise. That's it. That's all you got. Then there's a little hole in the center. And their wheat things are dense. And flat.

Cheese it has air in the layers. Some fluff to it. Yeah. Now I circle back on that joke. That thing's stuck. It wasn't even factually correct. Hey, Ira Glass, Zip it, will you? Don't you ever say anything bad about the cheese?

Of the cheese. Why the fucking balls on this kid? All right, this next one. Next one. What just happened? I don't know, man. We're very defensive against the cheese it. I wouldn't you compare it to a fucking trash cracker

in any form, good or bad? You're going to get some resistance. I more so had a problem with the NPR reference. Yeah. It was also, I feel, presented as a fact more than a joke. All right, this is from Ryan. Have you ever used a T-shirt as a pillowcase? Fuck yeah.

Yeah, sometimes it's the bed. I've done it where you get home and you're drunk or something, you're staying in someone's house and it's like a little sketchy and you got a fresh tea. Talk it right in here. Oh, I've never done it for those reasons. What have you done it for? I had a fucking pillowcases.

That's what I'm saying, but if somebody, I'll hang out with my friend or sleep in my friend's house and they'll give me a pillow with no pillowcases. I go, there's one in the closet and it's like, fucking brown rings on it and stuff. I'm not that big of a pillowcase guy, I'll be honest with you. Yeah, I can fly with no sheet. Oh, just on a bed?

Yeah, no pillowcase, no sheet. As long as I got my comforter and the fan next to me, I'm golden. You start sweating. You start sweating. That's like a fucking exfoliator on your skin. You're fucking, it's like a burlap sap. Nah, I don't need it.

Do you have a mattress cover there or just straight mattress? I could go straight mattress. Mattress cover is one thing. Matten cover, that's cotton. That's OK. That's not, yeah, of course. Mattress cover. That's like a sheet.

That's like a duvet. Yeah, those are nice. But now I can go straight on the mattress. That's fucking boncos. And sometimes I like. You sleep with your socks on? What am I, a fucking asshole? No, I take them off when I get in bed and leave them

at the bottom. I take them off with my piggies. You know what I mean? You get in with them. Oh, yeah. And then take them off. Then take them off from my big damn. Talk about fucking popping Molly.

That's A-OK. That's a good, you know, little head in there. Woo, daddy. And then wrap the bottom flap of the sheet of the comforter under my feet. And then I rub my feet together until I fall asleep. Wacko. I was up to I was up with you till the fucking pigs

in a blanket. I love taking my sockies off. Find them in the sheets. I get yelled at for it. I tell you, they're socks. Shit, the sock. Were you ever big on using the sock to masturbate? No, I don't even understand it.

I don't even know what you're doing. What I'm doing? No. I go with. I've dabbled. It's not my forte. I don't know what you're using. The sock is lubrication.

I mean, it's not. It's not lubricant. Dress sock? What are you talking about? Dress. Yeah, I mean, but who's got fucking dress socks to just bluge in? I got one pair in them and I got a wedding coming up.

Wearing Nike's to a wedding. Yeah, I've done it. It's not a. Never did that or like the like a piece of cantaloupe or something like that. OK, yeah. People like they heat that up. I don't think people are really doing that.

I think that's one of those like. I think they are. I think left to their own devices. An adolescent boy in a home alone does a lot of weird shit. That's nuts to me. I don't think that's a thing. You asked my vacuum cleaner. Dirty whore.

Shout out to Mrs. Hoover. Mrs. Hoover is in an open relationship. Mr. Hoover was working some long hours an hour as a kid. OK, you and the boys sleepovers. Would you do that? Pull out the Hoover fucking suck each other off. Take turns. Take turns on the vacuum cleaner.

One of you is going to the nozzle. One of you is going in the bristles. Change the bag. You remember vacuum cleaner bags? They were real trashy. I never. We'd run out of bags. Run out of bags.

Everybody runs out. And there was a thing. I don't know where you get them. I think you needed a fucking engineer to put one in. I remember I tried one one time and it just opened up. And there was fives. I looked like a mummy afterwards. I was covered in gray dust.

What the fuck is this? I got a shower. Trying to fucking try to get my dick sucked. Now all this is when I got a fucking shower. My mom will be home in 15 minutes. You have a shower? Coat my hair? Come at this like a gentleman.

Kevin, why is the vacuum cleaner full of dress socks? That is a good time. Kevin, why is the vacuum cleaner smoking by now? Why is it that would be why is the vacuum cleaner using a vibrator? Oh, we're having fun here, gang. This is what we do over here on the family apps. This one I know for sure has resonated with both of us.

This is from Danny Rosa. Are you still holding on to clothes that don't fit because you're going to lose the weight? As a lifelong fat guy, buddy, I'm holding on to shit from college still. I got a couple pairs of jeans. Wait till I lose 15 pounds and be out of here stunting. Dude, I got a couple of pairs of jeans

that I'm fucking weight to break out. I got them in glass with a little hammer next to them. Next to the Jesus. I'll go one better. I've bought clothes that have been tight and been like, oh, wait till I lose weight. That's really going to look good. Jesus.

Yeah, like every one of those Hawaiian shirts. I think he's got six pair of bell bottoms. Hopefully they come back. Couple pair of jankers. Yeah, man. That's my whole closet. Stuff that doesn't fit. 100%.

Like I have a pretty big like double door closet. Full of dreams. And full of skeletons and dreams. Yeah, man. They're either. But here's the thing. I have to go through them because the shirts most 90% of them got stains on them.

And Patty, I'll tell you what, a lot of the pants have rips in them. Oh, it's a tough look. The crotch rip. You can save them a little bit. You get one or two so's out of that. She's never just like she used to be though. Nah, you're limping one side.

It's weird. When you break a bone, she's never as strong as she was. Like a resource. Yeah, that's my whole fucking work. I literally probably have like six pairs of six articles of clothing. Sure, I don't have a lot either. I have a couple pairs of cargos.

But now they're starting to get old too. Like the one pair ripped. That's why I didn't sit down in Boston because I had a rip in my thing. And I had undies on. But yeah, they're starting to go too. And I was poking around on target.com. I think they discontinued them.

I don't know where I'm going to go for my car. Why do you go to the big and tall? The pants are weird. These are like perfect. I don't understand. Nah, these are double XLs. These are double XL cargos off the rack at Target. They're made by good brothers.

What are you talking about? There's no way those are double XLs. Telling you, they're double XL. Make them loose. And they fucking fit me perfectly. And I can't find them. I would argue they don't fit perfectly if you rip them constantly.

That's just wear and tear. I wear these gray ones almost every day. That's a lot of wear and tear though. You're putting extra tear on. City miles too. Yeah. There's no country ride on Sunday. They have.

All right, this one's from Steven, new patron here. Have you ever gotten catfished at sport clips selecting the stylus on the sign in terminal? Now we have to unpack this a little bit. I don't fully know what the fuck he's talking about. I know exactly what he's talking about. Because I know one gentleman that used to get his hair cut at sports school.

You? No. Like that? Really? It'd be like a Saturday night for him. You kidding me? You take him in there? He wants to go.

15 minutes is worth of your appointment. He sits there. He reads a magazine. He chats it up with the broods. So what? Watch a sports center. There's some sort of self-service, like kiosk. Where you sign in.

And you pick a girl or you pick Debbie and then Debbie comes out as a fucking warlock. But her picture, she was a fucking 10 piece. Is that what I'm picking up here? If you want to put it that way, yes. Sure, OK. I don't see things like that. Yeah.

100%. I was a big all in high school and college hair cutter guy. Because the girls that I graduated with all worked at a hair cutter. So it was like, I wasn't going to hair cutters. I was going to them, if that makes sense. Yeah, I got you. Sports clips is really something else.

It's real fucking trash. I feel all of those. They cut a good hair, though. Do they? Dad used to come out looking good. And you know, this is a little bit sketchy. I've never been a shampoo guy. When I go to get a haircut, he fucking, never in my,

never anywhere that we got our haircut growing up was a shampoo on the fucking table. It was some Vietnam that didn't want to fucking touch you. Yeah. All right, now you got these places like supercuts and fucking super clips, where they give you the whole thing. And they take in the back, they fucking shampoo, they blow dry you.

It's all bullshit. Sure. I go right home, and who the fuck's not going home and taking a shower? I guess. That's what I wanted. I guess women aren't, because it's not as. That's different.

Women aren't going to super clips. Strati ones are. Yeah, and you have a haircut of a pit boss. Come on. That's not like on chicks. The blazer and all. Yeah. That's for like women, like 65 and older,

they got the same haircut their husbands do. Yeah, nobody's going in there. Yes, of course. Ladies go and get their hair done. You don't have to take a shower. Sure. But you get a haircut. You go to the fuck home and take a shower.

It's why they're like, you want some product. Product? What do you think? I'm fucking going out after this. Yeah, I do it every fucking night. Itch it all night? Once a year, I'll get him. That t-shirt's ruined anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't wear that. Once a year, I'll get him up and be like, oh, I got to do it. Just because the schedule, the only time I can go, I have something, something, something, and I hate it. You don't feel right to take that shower. The haircut's not done. It's not settled.

You've got to take that no. It needs to wash. It needs to settle and dry. You've got clippings in your ears and shit like that? No. Yeah. I have to stop. I have to shit so bad.

This is crazy. Really? All right. What do you got? All right, this is from Chris Scott. You or anyone in your family ever given or received a hickory forms box? It's like the fucking?

The moving question. Yeah, what? I'm going to do a big, big hickory farms. Huge. Did anybody ever really eat it, though? Fuck yeah. I don't see them strawberry candies that they give them, old Jones.

I mean, come on. What the fuck are we talking about here? That was for the kids. I loved they would put them in the four corners of the box. That was like fruit in our house. That was like three, two to three servings of those things today. Good night.

Those things were, dude, the wooden box, the fucking, the kielbasa, the cheese. That's where you'd find the cheese with the nuts and the pimento cheese. Yes. Fuck yes. Yeah. I remember when that was a place.

There was salesmen in there. You'd walk in, they'd have all the displays out. Something like the wooden crate with the staple. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, man. You send one of those at Christmas time in the 80s. Fucking classy. Used to get them all the time.

We still get them, I think. Love it. Hickory farms? It might be an East Coast thing. I don't know. I'm not sure. It's like a gift. The listener, if you're not familiar,

it's like a gift pass, it has like some sort of cured meat. Was it a store in the mall? Was it in the mall? That's what I'm saying, yeah. Oh, I don't remember that. Oh, fuck yeah. Store in the mall. You'd walk in.

That gift, it was like cured meats, some cheeses, some candies, maybe some popcorn or something. Who's like a, it's like a Harry and David's. Who the fuck are Harry and David? They make a moose-tracked popcorn that'll blow your hair back. That's what Harry and David is. They do gift baskets. OK.

They do give, but not with cured meats. Hickory farms is really centered around the beef steak. Yeah, they really cornered the cured meats on around holidays. That's what built them. Yeah, yeah, that's what built them. We used to cook hickory farms. That's how trashy we were. I don't even know what that, the log, that log you would get?

Would you throw it on a grill? No, we'd slice it and fry it up. And my aunt would take, my aunt would take, They'd take the, we'll take it out of the wrapper first. She would take ketchup and like brown, brown sugar, and it would make like a sauce with it. That sauce ain't too shabby though. No, it's almost like a Swedish meatball sauce.

Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I was just down at the yard, they had some sort of meat and that read something like that. I wasn't, I wasn't throwing rocks at it. Yeah, it ain't too bad. But yeah, we would do that. Cookin' hickory farms, that's pretty trashy. And I remember one time her making it

and there wasn't a holiday to be seen. It was just like, it was just, Just like in, yeah. And she was firing that up for lunch. I wasn't complaining. That's a bad look. I love it. I don't remember us ever really eating it.

I'm sure my, my step dad would eat anything growing up. I want to have sense of, sends a nice basket from this place in Philly called Carlino's. Hope they don't mind me saying their name. Shout out to it. Oh, they care. You just said it was, the product was great. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable stuff. Nice. Like hickory farms on a real-class level. Not too shabby, not too shabby. But I wish that stuff would come back more. I like that. I like sending baskets and getting baskets. I think people do it.

You're just- A dirt bag. Yeah. And also you don't have a lot of relationships where that would be appropriate. I'm sure your parents get them. I'm sure your parents send them, aunts, uncles. They do.

Like for business, like I know, like when I used to work for my family, we would send them to like our clients. Like we would go to this place. What about them chocolate covered strawberries? They ain't too shabby. What are you trying to fuck me? Chocolate covered strawberries.

You're trying to fuck. Oh, when a sleeve of those would show up at the house? Good night. Edible arrangements? Edible undies. Every arrangement is edible to you. Holy, get out of the lilies. I don't know.

Eatin' babies, bruh. Hey, come on, Mr. Spock. Come on, this fat fuck's eatin' a half a dozen roses. I got it from my wife for fucking Valentine's Day. It stems in all. This fat little prick, he's bitchin' about the fucking thorns in his tongue. I don't know.

All right, I'm Guy Fieri. Michael, this is a fat W shit. Hey, it's Guy Fieri. Michael's real fat piece of shit. That's what we do on the road for the listener when me and Foley are in the front seat. We just do intros, the diners drives in and dives the whole time.

Now we're at this shit hole here in St. Louis where they make an atomic burger. I don't know what the fuck that is, but I told him I'd try it for him. Get a couple of heads for him. Foley's gonna try to eat eight of them. Yeah, also Guy Fieri's from Chicago. Is he?

No, but you guys always do it with Chicago accent. I don't know what to tell you. Hey, listen, buddy, it's the sauce, all right? It tickles the funny bone. All right, let's see. This one's from TJ Homerun, ever fallin' through ice. Woo! Buddy, if you get yourself a position

when you're fallin' through ice, you're doing something wrong. You're not playin' by the book. It's on a dare. Yeah. See how far I did, man. I was pet, I was petting for my parents, made me hyper-scared of a few things,

which I appreciated. All right, now that they might've took some liberties and now the fuckin' patience runnin' in the asylum. Wearing your seatbelt, drunk driving. Wait, while drunk driving? No. And listen, if you're gonna get all fucked up on Schlitz and drive home,

at least put your seatbelt on. You could do the cuff where you put it behind you. No, always to wear your seatbelt. Never drink and drive. Fuckin' in the ocean. I feel like I could be taken before I even hit the water. That I could just be yanked out

from the fear they put in there. Sure, you're not that fun of a hang. That's what you're gettin' at. Dude, I was walkin' past a guy on the street the other day who goes, nah, nah, nah. The water's warmer. They're gettin' closer. You go in there, you lose a foot.

That's crazy. To be afraid of sharks. What? If there's a shark sighting. What kind of asshole are you? You're in their turf. They're everywhere. They're not, first of all, they're not everywhere.

Yes, they are. Yes, they are. What, define everywhere? My brother's, my brother's old neighbor, the kid's a lifeguard. Oh, I heard this. Just gotta tack by a shark. I heard this snooze fast.

Just gotta tack, fought the shark off, swam back, fuckin' tough. Yeah, he was like 250 yards out and he's a lifeguard. Yeah. Yeah. How many lifeguards are getting attacked? I'm saying that's an anomaly. I still worry when I'm in the Lazy River.

I'll take it back. Don't worry about it in a bath, though. I used to, when I was a kid and I would go in the pool, I would be. If you'd bring a harpoon gun. Hit your dad. Shut up, big man. I, when we used to go in the pool,

I used to look like, you know, at the other end of the pool and I could swear I see a shark swimming towards you. It was fuckin' Jaws. Everybody fuckin' kissed the Spielberg's ass. He gave fuckin', a whole generation fuckin' phobias. We're scared to death. No, you're, fuckin' sharks. You're crazy is what it is.

Anybody who was a kid when Jaws came out, you're ruined from the ocean. I don't care who you are. That's not true. Nobody's swimming. What do you mean nobody's swimming? Millions of people go in the ocean in the state of New Jersey a day.

They're taking their life in their hands. How? They're everywhere. Check Jersey when the last person killed by a shark was in New Jersey. Attacked. Well, hey, I mean, hey, things happen. I mean, what are we talkin' about?

Get drunk on a bar. You can be, you can get roughed up in a bar if you want to get roughed up in a arcade if you're fuckin' stayin' at the wrong guy. And especially in Hawaii, I won't go fuckin' near that one. I'll look at it. It's beautiful.

You're not stupid. I'll dive into a lagoon. I'm not swimmin' in the Pacific Ocean. Kidding me? Dive into a lagoon. Who are you, the skipper? That's where they got the boys on the Indianapolis over there.

All right. It says there have been four incidents in the last 10 years in New Jersey. Four incidents, defined an incident. One sexual harassment. The other was drunk driving. Domestic disturbance. What?

Only one resulted in an injury. But no, but this is big shark in their spin zone trying to run their propaganda. It's hammerhead inks runnin' who printed that? Was that the Mako Chronicle? Who did that? Sharktooth Weekly. Mr. Foley, Jimmy Betts from Sharktooth Magazine.

We're taking a bite out of the story here. Holy shit. The beach is open. That's fuckin' big tourism, sayin' that. Just like in Jaws. They had to keep the beaches open. Didn't help the little kid, your boy. I'll tell you that.

Poor bastard. Didn't see it comin'. He probably did somethin' bad in another lifetime. He had the hex on him from Jump Street. Ah, that kidner boy. God damn it. I didn't pull any punches on that either. I was that kid's age, I think, when I came out.

That the fuck out. Dig me a hole on the beach and fill it up, Tubby. I ain't goin' in the water. Let me know what the fuck. Who are you calling, Tubby? Is there a guy fatter than you on the beach? When I was a kid, yeah. Fuck that.

That's just dippin' dots protecting their investment. No, you're not. That's exactly what it is. Never had dippin' dots either. Never. We'll get some of the Wildwood Boardwalk. Spoiler alert, video comment. Hittin' the boards.

Hittin' the boards and the ocean. I'm not goin' in the water. You're not goin' in the water? You have to go in the water, man. You have to go in the water, dude. No. I'll go in the pool. No, you gotta go in the water for the pool?

Fine, then I'm bringin' my shark scent repellent that I have. She hope he's got one of those cages. I'm dragging him down the beach. He's eatin' soft-serve and chain mail. I'm gonna finish this and then take a dip. Fuckers ain't gonna get me, I'll tell you that. Look at me, King Arthur's Court.

I got a shield and a fuckin' sword. Tubby, do you have a tank connect down there? Who fills up your tanks for ya? Uh-uh. I don't do it. I don't go in the ocean. I respect the ocean. I respect it as well.

It is a great hang. Listen, you're goin' in the water. I know. I'll go in a motel pool. No, you gotta go in the water for the video. Yeah. Maybe. Body surf.

I'll surf you. I like body surfing, too. Nothin' on that. I'll paddle. He's just a paddle board. Yeah. Yeah, we'll get you a boogie board. No.

Do you look at it? I think I got an old door or something. I think I got an old door or something. Like Titanic out there? He's the hood of my car. You don't use boogie boards because you look like a... Oh, my God.

You look like a seal. I know. I've watched Shark Week, you fuckin' bozo. Yeah. None of that. That's in fuckin' Australia or South Africa. Teddy, I'll go out there and fuckin' camouflage. They won't see me comin'.

Dressed like another shark. Hey, nothin' to see here, folks. Hey, keep it movin', Teddy. Hey, how about these people? They stink, right? See you next week at the meeting, all right? I don't like it. They move too quick.

And you know what I read, too? That's really... I say if only you could smell a cheeseburger a mile away in the water. You know what I read that made me even more scared? Is down there, there... Where's down there? In the water.

In the water. Oh, my God. You are a trashy, smishmarted person. Down in the water. In the water. They're used to that pressure. So when they move, they move real fast in that pressure.

Humans aren't used to that kind of pressure. So we move slower. So they even have more of an advantage on you if they want to get to jump on you. Sure. Also, too, you can't see them and they're attacking you from underwater. And they have to, yeah.

I mean, there's... A lot of factors. But that's one of them. They're like super, we're there. We're... You just call a shark superhuman. Yeah. They have like superpowers

because of the pressure. Because you're not used to moving in that kind of pressure. So you're slower. I'm the one that can breathe underwater. Start with that one. Not the pressure. Also, they're not human.

That's human. They're sharks. Do you want to sneeze? Yeah. They're mammals. Right? For something to be superhuman. Would have to be human.

Fine, they're super sharks. And you are super dumb. Either way, I don't like sharks. I'm scared of sharks. I'm sorry. Have you ever seen a shark? Yeah. Where?

Not in a fucking Camdom Aquarium. You've never seen an actual shark? I have. Somebody, they caught one in the fucking, on the bay in Ocean City when we were staying at the Harbor House one year. How big? I was enough to fucking bite me.

I don't know. It was like, maybe like that big. That's what you're afraid of. What? Are you nuts? First of all, it's just got three feet bigger the second time. It was this, what?

It's huge. Dude, a shark like that. It's a sand shark. No, they're real cute. I like them. Yeah, they have no teeth. They're so cute. I don't know what the fuck with them.

Just like the Dyson. I got a sand shark on my Johnson. All right, listen. You're going in the water in that state. How did we start? Oh, falling through the ice. Falling through the ice. Yeah, yeah.

That's a tough look. That's instant petrified. That's another thing that my parents fucking still to me. Basically, if I fell through the ice, I knew I was dying. Yeah, we used to have, we used to go to a house up the mountains on Lake Wall and Pulpac. Know it well.

And that's a big mammajama of the lake. Monster. I don't like lakes either. Hundreds of yards wide at points. Like, I mean like. There's too many weird things in there and the grass comes up in there and touches your piggies. We would walk on the, we'd go up in the winter

and we'd walk on it out. I mean, I remember, so you would see like cracks, not like pressure, like, I don't know, but it would be like this thick. It would, you know, you'd be able to see down at least like a foot. And I'm like, well, we're all right. So we're like, let's see how far we can go.

And we are. Dude, my butthole puckered up. So I fucking hightailed it out of there. I was like, no way. Yeah. The kid that fell through the ice. Yeah. You ever gone down to YouTube rabbit hole

of like how to get out of ice if you fall through or like what to do if you're in quicksand or some shit? I've got the ice thing you're supposed to like. Go back to where you came. Because when you. It sounded racial for some reason. I know. I'm talking about ice, right?

When you fall through the ice, you kind of let you move and don't realize it. So you're not right above the same hole. So you got to find that hole and go back through it. And then it's like surface pressure. It's like surface area. That's the problem. Like if you see, I like even in parks,

like in the like, in Central Park and stuff like that in the park by my house. Fucking people go down and those things every fucking the ladder thing that you like, you fucking because if a person gets close, then they fall in. Yeah. So it's like they have a ladder thing that you can like hold on to and they'll pull you out type deal.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't find that. What I don't get is most. You should be more afraid of ice falling in the ice than sharks. I'm scared of both of them. Sure.

Sharks under the ice. I get out of the ice. Double whammy. I can't fight a shark. Hold on. The sharks not attacking. The ice is actively attacking. What about ice sharks?

The ice is attacking you. But the shark is attacking you. What's he doing? I've been in that. No. Sharks. I'm saying the probability of a shark attack is way less than you standing on ice

and falling in ice problem. I agree. What if there's a shark under the ice? We've talked about this on the right home from Boston. You are both crazy. Sharks under the ice. What are we doing? If you're in a, yeah.

What do you mean? What? Sharks can swim under the ice. So now you're afraid of falling into the ice and also getting caught by a shark. Just to find out where in Foleyville I am. Does that sound about right? We're in the Antarctic.

You're right down there on Main Street. Okay, just checking. All right, well. Wait, hold on. I wanted to say something. Ice sharks don't seem to be real, but there is a TV movie from 2016 called Ice Sharks.

It's got three out of 10 stars. Looks pretty good. Yeah. Mario Lopez in it? If so, I'm in. That kid lights up the screen. What I was gonna say is that it's weird that hypothermia is what kills you

when you fall into the ice. Sure. But now people do the ice bath. So how come nobody's dying in ice baths? It's time. I mean, you're in an ice bath for a very relatively short period of time. Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, you're not like. So eventually that would kill you. Yeah, I think if you sit in there for 30 minutes or so, yeah. I thought that's how much you did. It didn't rogan do it for like 20 minutes. I don't have all the answers, but I'm saying there's a specific difference

than falling in a lake and getting hypothermia then. Also, it's the clothing that gets you. It's the cotton, sucks all the heat out of you once it gets wet. Yeah. So you're better off getting completely naked and trying to reheat yourself than you are. You are to spice it up a bit.

Then you're naked for the shark, though. Yeah, a little worm hanging out. That's like bait. You're trolling for that. I don't like that. All right, let's run through a couple more here. This is Run Before It's Too Late. You ever, your group ever get kicked off the go-karts.

For sure. That's a bad look. Go-karts and bumper carts. I've been asked to leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. This next one's great. Oh, sorry, guys.

I've had the guy, you ever had the dude come and jump on your fucking bumper car and try to steer? You fucking no-hitchers. Throw that. Throw it in reverse real quick. Fuckin' jerk him off. Get the bricks dirt bag. Next one is from the Savage Cabbage.

Do you or anyone in your family have a wallet that's way too thick? Oh, yeah. He also used the wrong two, by the way, which got up to that. My dad forever. Yeah, my stepdad's got a hefty one, hefty, hefty. My dad just always did cards and then money,

which I got that. I don't like a wallet I can't fuck with. I have a wallet now that I would like to replace, but I can't replace it because I feel like a wallet, I haven't lost this wallet ever. So you feel if you buy a new wallet, you'll lose it? Yes. Follyville.

I'm just telling you how it is. That's how the sharks are gonna get in. The shark's gonna steal my identity. Next thing you know, I gotta go to the aquarium, I have them sorted out. I can't even make it to Atlantis. I can't hold my breath at all. Excuse me, sir, one of the tiger sharks stole my wallet.

And that grouper has my phone. What? Gruper? My bad, a grouper was a great bull. Thank you. I almost ordered some this week. Some grouper? Shout out to the grouper.

Can he grouper? Why? Piss off the sharks. Do you even know what it is? I can't piss off the sharks. Then they'll really be after me. If the sharks find out that Kibby's eating grouper, they got it out for me.

I'll leave all the fish in the ocean. Plenty of food for the shark. I don't need to go looking at me. You going to the water? It ends up you and Amaco fighting over a seal. You're both breaching? Nothing on breaching? All right, let's see.

Let's get serious here, okay? Oh, this is on brand. We're on a podcast here. This is from Owen. Have you or anyone in your family ever taken a shit in the ocean? I mean, my family's big enough and we're beach people. I'm sure.

I'm assuming somebody in my bloodline. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it either. Yeah. Well, we can't shit in the ocean. That's like the Exxon Valdez. Have to call FEMA. Got to have a couple of scientists

come in and plug that thing. All right, I like it. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. Somebody get his underpants. There's already poop in them. Sure, I think he's going to blow. Somebody get the present on the phone.

And that's another thing too. What is it? How do you know it's going to be a perfect log, not to be gross? I don't think it matters. Well, if it's diarrhea, you're in it. It's all over you. You can't swim that away. At that, but it's like pain.

I mean, it did fucking parts per million. It gets all fucking sapped up. You've got to swim around a little bit. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can't go rolling back to the volleyball game. No, you take a couple of dips. You swim downstream. You find a way to Karen's going.

And then you make your move. Hopefully, a riptide comes in and takes it out. That's disgusting. Yeah. Let's see. This is from Tire, TYR. First question. Ever buy fetish urine to pass a drug test?

Did you say fetish urine? I guess this is news to me. What? If you're into pee stuff, you can buy pee, which I'm assuming that's what this gentleman's talking about. But how would you know it's clean? There he is. I'm sure it's certified somewhere.

If you're buying it from a reputable establishment, I'm sure it's being. It's not Whole Foods. What are you talking about? I'm sure it's packaged. I don't think it's in like a, I don't think you're buying it in like a soda can, like an open soda can. It's a mason jar.

Good gentleman. I picture like a bottle, like a. Farm to table. Huh, from free range whore. If you're, if you're selling your piss on the internet, there's no way that's clean. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't know.

But I'm assuming maybe they test it before they sell me, like, Hey, this is drug free. This, you know, this chick has diabetes. Oh, there you go. You know, I don't know. They would, I mean, why are we drawing the line? If fetish pee is a thing, I'm sure there's levels to what people. Well, it's great that that's out there.

It's great that fucking people could do that. So you don't have to hit up a buddy. Sure. I was always that guy. I'm like, yo, I might need pee tomorrow. I got to save my P of a lot. All my friends had PO's as high schoolers. Had parole officers, probation officers.

Yikes. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had to take a drug test. I think in the playoffs, my fresh playoffs and the playoffs, there was fear of that. Sure. You're in a hammer was going to come down. That whole team would have been fucking.

And they know what they're doing. Yeah. Look the other way. Let the kids smoke a little reefer. You know what I mean? This is a perfect segue. This is like the fucking show a segue show. This is from Braxton.

Did your parents ever buy an at home drug test for you or your siblings? Oh, man. That's fucking American beauty shit. No, we never had that. Parents played it cool. Yeah. My mom, she knew we were dabbling or so.

Never came up with my parents. The only time it did come up, she just didn't ask questions also. Yeah. As long as like, hey, you're not a fucking high school drop. Like, you're getting, you're not spiking up. You're a productive member of society. Sure.

If you're fucking. Functional. You're puffing a little chiever, having a couple of fucking mg-dizzles. It don't matter. Sorry for often outlocking the refrigerator. But she came up to me one time. I don't know if I ever told you this.

She came up to me one time with a post-it note. It said, hydro and mids. And she was like, what does this mean? My brother was like home from college or something. I was probably like 16 maybe or 15. I don't know. And I was like. Yeah.

What does that mean? What? I don't know. Do you know? I don't know anything about it. Probably. Probably the neighbors. The way you can just go into a lie is scary.

So it says, hydro or mids. It's like your back's up against the wall. So it says, hydro or mids. It's like a couple of World War II pilots, I think. So I go like, I don't, I'm like, I think, what I think is she heard my brother on the phone going, is that hydro or mids? What is she, the fucking school newspaper?

So I'm not sure. Hey, Nancy Drew, take it easy. Stick to happy hour, what you know, all right? Try to fucking play detective on us. Hey, make your time, sit the brakes. So I was like. Sorry, I was disrespectful to the peace I felt. She doesn't listen.

She wouldn't know where to find the show. I'm not with those detective skills. She goes, what is it? She goes, do you know what this is? So I go, I don't know what that is. I go, ask Danny. Did you not know? Did I not know?

I was high as a kite. What do you mean? Put him by a fucking square. I was fucking growing it in the attic. Fucking not know. Smoking weed. I've been smoking weed since it's been smoking weed, OK? You're smoking a joint, as she was saying that.

That's fucked up. I don't know. She got dead. She got me. I don't know. She's crazy, though. So she finally went to Danny. And he was just like, yeah, what?

He's like, I'll tell you the hydro's are way better than the mids. Talk about a guy not caring. Here, she heard somebody. It's her co-worker, hers, her son on the phone going as a hydro or mids. First of all, if you can't tell by the price that if it's hydro or mids, you're

getting fam-boozled to begin with, all right? Your kids are real. You're a fucking greenhorn. Your kids are real bubblegummer, lady. Hey, chess club, kick fucking rocks. We're trying to party over here. You're fucking brick weed. Trying to get lit.

That's good. No, we only, we got busted at a party my sophomore year. Pretty heavy. Yeah. Cops came in. Actually, nothing happened. It took us in a paddy wagon to the police station. Foley and two other guys with 40s taped to their hands.

It's a real rager. Can you pull my pants off, officer? Watch out for shit in my underwear. Don't tell nobody. Hey, they might have caught me on the underage drinking, but they didn't get me for shitting in my pants. I didn't rat, OK? Nobody was no new wager.

They stink like shit. I may be full of shit, but I ain't no rat. No, we got fucking hauled down. And they found a pipe. And then we fucking bullshitted. Oh, there was older kids fucking this. Always the older kids. Take a walk, flat foot, you know?

I can't say the word till I see a detective's badge. If I talk to my lawyer, what is this baddy foe? One of my boys left that pipe in their fucking glove compartment, and their mom was like fucking towing around doing errands one day, and she finds that in a sock. We were out mini-golfing at fucking Woody's. Sounded like a couple of cool guys.

They get in the clown's mouth, you fucking dork. Well, we were getting a game in before the president. Oh, man, you paint this picture being a fucking cool guy. I mean, while you're getting wedgies at the fucking local plot plot course. Hey, this is as a cool kid. Doesn't mean I look like a twist cone. Everyone's in a while.

Had a fucking windmill. But we got a call. Everybody's got to come to fucking so-and-so's house. So we all go in there. I was dealing with some serious people. The gentleman I was interacting with was a lawyer. I price lawyer. I'm sure he knew what the deal was.

What do you mean the gentleman you were interacting with? The one kid's dad. He's the one that ran the meeting. It was all our parents all sitting around. Any time my parents met other parents, you're fucking hemmed up. They were all there. We pulled in all of our parents' cars and they were like, fuck, this ain't good.

Busted you, we. They ain't handed up 20s, don't they? It's funny. There's always that one kid's parents who just never showed up when you're one dirtbag buddy. Yeah, you're looking at them. Really, they wouldn't come if your parents got all rounded up? If you guys all got in trouble, she would show up.

Oh, yeah. She'd have a couple in her. Slurred her. I'm going to tell her you said that. But it will fucker you now. This is fat little Mr. D now. All right. Any who.

I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel. You're out of Kaluwain, Kevin D. Don't do it. You got as long as this drink has. Tell me what the fat little fuck did. Otherwise, I got to get back to work. All right? I'm so upset right now.

T-bone to Kaluwa. Talking about bottom of the ninth. Make some for the fucking NPR, Joe. I don't know what you're talking about. For the listener, I have to see the real tapes. You want them, you're not redacted. T-bone released the tapes. Thought I felt the chair going for a second.

It's close. That day is the day we go viral, viral. That a man released. Anyway, they started grilling us about it. We played stupid. They broke it in front of us. He snapped it in front of us. Oh, real tough guy.

Fucking loser. Wasn't a great man. Fucking got through calling my mom a fucking lush for 45 seconds. I make fun of some no-name guy. I know you say that about this guy you don't know. And that was it. Oh, great.

Nobody said a word. Never got caught fucking doing anything. Never had to take a drug test or whatever. And we were pretty cool about stuff. I don't think we were fucking animals. We weren't fucking building a half pipe in the living room. Might have been a bottle of seagrams missing or two here, but what are you going to do?

Seagrams was big back then. Seagrams, man, I couldn't even look at it. My parents went to New Hope for the day. And me and my three buddies fucking decided to fucking knock off a fifth of fucking seagrams for no reason. Sure. Middle of a Sunday.

My brother comes home from playing football. He starts fucking beating his shit out of me. I'm yakking in the fucking sink. Fucking brutal. Yeah, real cool guy. You drinking a bumpy face? Seagrams, Jen? No, no, no.

Seagrams whiskey. 7-7 with a choice of lemon. Nothing wrong with it. We were maybe not even fucking wrong. We were maybe 12, and my buddy's sister bought us seagram wine coolers. They were nice. And I just remember being like, we are way too young

for you to be buying us booze, lady. I know. Listen, I asked for the booze. Was she 21? Yeah. Oh, that's a fucked up family to begin with. Yeah. An 11-year gap in fucking ages.

Come on. Yeah. I think it ended up being like a 27-year gap total. But it was just like, I remember being like, what? I remember we were sitting up in this attic drinking and I'm like, this is bad. This isn't good. I got to get out of situations like this.

My mom's got to ask some questions. I got to go back to school. I got to do something. All right, let's wrap it up. Gag, listen. We love you. We appreciate you. Thank you, everybody, for supporting us.

Thank you, everybody, for coming to the live show. Thanks, everybody. It's going to come to a live show. Come out and see the fucking gangs. The boys. We'll be back next week. Kid, do you got anything for them? Just always make sure you straighten them out.

Rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, Patreon. Guys, the merch is only going to be available maybe for another two, three weeks. So get on that while it's available. We haven't even been pushing it and it's moving. So get the fucking merch, the beer koozies, and the cards. Also, like we said, live shows.

We have Texas coming up. We have Philly. Tejas. We have Philly coming up. We have Long Island coming up. We're planning an NYC show. Planning an upward. We're trying to get everywhere, so.

Yeah, come out and see us. Philly, you better show the fuck up. Yeah. We got something special. Yeah, we do. All right, see you. We love you. We'll see you next week.

Peace! Peace!