Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Family Fights Part 2 w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon and we got more to cover about Family Fights, it's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored by: Mando: Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get 20% off + free shipping with promo code GARBAGE at https://shopmando.com Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/li0uni5h #CashAppPod *Referral Reward Disclaimer: As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 27% Off Sitewide. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Martin's question is, are you garbage if you ask for a Rumpelmann shot at the bar upstairs and the bartender said, we're not that kind of place? Give the boys a round of applause. They're kicking it off with a goddamn home run. Rumpelmanns, when you're out of crack. Where is he? Rumpelmann's when you know you're not going to get hard. Dad, get your tickets for the Back on the Block Tour at RUgarbage.com.

Second show out in San Francisco, get your tickets for Portland, Seattle, Brea, Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, low ticket warning, Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia Baltimore, Maryland Philadelphia at the Met Rochester, New York and Toronto, Ontario See you there Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash

Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Mm-hmm, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after group to be classy Just a big old piece of trash or be I your host a trolley coming at you on a beautiful day we're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition she's out front with a little lemonade stand I got you nickels 20s and ace and quarters all right you know what I mean a couple of cute bees talking about drugs. All right, I'm a drug

My coast coming extra from across the tables what we call family episode just the boys the bozos and the homies He's the CEO of are you garbage is a national businessman and the president of the Luke Holmes fan club Luke Holmes out there give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. I would thank you what shout out to you Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you review subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube as you know Those numbers are cooking baby then obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbs? I'm contractually obligated to say all this and Luke Holmes did send me this personally not him personally

But a guy who works for him sent this to me You look like a bad hunter Guy who blows his face off with a shotgun. Trust me, I'm at the point now where maybe I would. Ah, boy. That's pretty nice that Luke Combs' operations sent us some swag. Sure. Shout out to the big dog.

He has no idea we received it. He's probably yelling at the guy who sent it to us. Send it out free merch. That's our boy. Sure. Kidding me? Uh-huh. We it to us. Send it out free merch. That's our boy. Sure. Kidding me? Uh-huh, we gotta get him back in for round two.

Mm-hmm. Gang, we're here for family fights too. Part Dwar. Part Dwar. Because, you know, we've got more submissions about family fights than any other. Than the police. I know, I mean, they're still coming in.

People are still DMing, and just one time I had Nana in a headlock. It it's I mean they're still coming in people are still DMing And just one time I had Nana in a headlock it's I mean the family stuff man Hey, family stuff. I got I got them all in town this weekend I got my I got my wife's whole family in there But it's going from from the from the reports from the front line seems to be going pretty well, buddy I have stepped up my game not I just keep my mouth shut I smile we're having a great time the apartments the better it's ever been got the upstairs all nice uncle hanks hey I'm sliding into the roll uncle Hank

got the grilling going sure no complaining no nothing I'm chillin hey a dog dog dogs gonna be a dog at some point, baby. A dog gonna bite. Shut up! Big man can only roll over and play dead for so long before them true colors come out. You know why? Because I know you. There was almost an explosion this morning.

I ain't talking about the propane tank. It was almost, she's been great. Everybody's been great. Everything's awesome. So the family was nice enough to bring me a T-shirt back from from the island. There's this one clothing company. See, I'll boot you as a so big as a sale.

Yeah, I'm aware of what you were getting. All right. I'm just saying. Brought me back a nice shirt. That joke was Luke Combs approved. It's a 4X. All right. The whole family's out there. She's in there. She's sitting 4x. All right, the whole family's out there She's in there. Does she sit not they have to check that thing or how'd they get in here? Use it as a parachute for a humvee

You ever see when they shut those out the back all that they take your foot off. Watch out. Keep your fingers in two's. They send dudes out in those sometimes. Now they don't. Was it the X Games? Whoa. All right. Anyway, we're sitting there. They give me the shirt.

Hold the shot. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I turn around and walk back. Now I'm trying to get to work here. I need a shower. You know what I mean?

Sure. Try it on. Who said that? Family member or the bird? I wanted to be one. You fucking motherfucker. What are you? What in the fucking Christmas story

are you talking about? Try it on. Hey, we're all tight over there. Sure. You're not a 4X in Hawaii. Does no. No. You're not a 4X in Hawaii. No. I'm not a 4X on Jupiter. Doesn't really fit. Now that you've gone on it, listen.

So I'm standing there, it's fucked up. Why would you do it there? You didn't go into the room and do it? I didn't have a shirt on. As the great Gary Goldman says, you pull him aside. That shit, she should have pulled me aside. You didn't have a shirt on before you tried it on? No, I just woke up. Are you in front of her family?

I got shorts on. OK. What, you think that's weird? So now you're more embarrassed that the shirt doesn't fit than being topless? They've seen me topless. That's a little weird. It's weird to have my shirt off in front of my family?

Listen, not if you're fucking Brad Pitt, sure. You think? In a New York City apartment? Yeah. Yeah, not at the beach. Not like, hey, I just did a cold plunge. That's how I do it. I'm in my home with my family.

I know. Listen, OK, OK. I get that's how you do it. You do certain things. I'm old school, baby. Sure. All right, listen, I'm under the guise, if you have company over, yeah, yeah over yeah, I make spaghetti sauce on my underwear

So I do it okay spicy Caliente, uh yeah, yeah, I mean you think so Yeah, you just I tuck the gut in I pull it up respectable You know where I get that from ah Laziness I would assume no my high school girlfriend's dad told me that one time because I saw it There was a lot of pictures of him with his shirt off And I remember to explain to me is like you know I work hard all week and when I get home

I like to have my I like to relax with my shirt off And I was like I like that you know when your in-laws are there though like I get you Do you take one thing you've heard and then apply to the rest of your life you think? Yeah, back to the point here desserts good shouldn't have called me out and said, hey, try it on in front of everybody. I completely agree, but you also at the time didn't have a shirt on. So it's, it's then the whole system's on trial here.

What are you talking about? A hundred percent. But in that guys, I thought you had a shirt on. No. When you were, okay. I sleep in my shorts. I get that. You sleep in your shorts, but then listen

I think when you're cohabitating with people who aren't Your specific family I get to do your in-laws very recent. I don't know the patties. I'm usually in my underwear. That's fine I'll give you that I'll give you that But I think if you're at someone else's house Or when there's other people at your house you You think you put I think the common courtesy. I think if we if we called our. Etiquette coach, I think she would be like, yeah, you whatever you do, maybe you don't got a shirt on.

Sure. Is that what you're if you're 50, you're comparing yourself to an 18 month old. What are we doing here? You want the same rules? He shits himself. I shit myself. I would I would listen. Speaking of family, that's getting thrown around. The fact that you're walking around shirtless on that side

of the family. That's I listen, you know, how, how much, how much do we criticize certain things and people are sets? I mean, this whole show is if I was sitting somewhere and a 500 pound man came out With no shirt on I'm not 500. I'm sending a text Going this this motherfucker walking around fucking cooking scram piece without his shirt. That's that text is getting sent That's all I'm saying you would send the same thing. You know you would Guys walking around with his fucking you got skin tags all over you Would do guys walking around with his fucking you got skin tags all over you It's like you're fucking it's like your braille mama's got breakfast every morning sure put a listen for me for me put a shirt on I got a shirt on when you die when

Okay Surprised they haven't filed for divorce yet. They're drift in the papers Just there's she's sleeping. they're taking her hand and signing it real good I've been doing my business downstairs too downstairs in the lobby yeah you've been dumping in the lobby that's hey that's that I mean that's better than knows I listen I'm sure the super is a little upset the door man the door man ain't thrilled but that's yeah that's nice that's nice of you down in the gym in the gym yeah you walk in with a fucking newspaper under your arm there's fucking three models on the on the elliptical

ladies how you doing keep those knees bent you guys need a spot huh just give me 45 me 45. I'll be I'll be in the can for a couple of minutes. You got your own fucking light salt spray. Oh, okay. Well, you're in it. You're you're a specific guy. This is this is going back a little bit but I day I guess they hadn't seen the Four Seasons. The show. And so we've been watching that. Hey, man, that Tina Fey. I guess they hadn't seen the four seasons. The show. And so we've been watching that. Hey, man, that Tina Fey. She's something. You know, listen, I, this is a little. That's not

really art speed either. That's good. It's good. That's good actors. It's good writing. She's got everybody. I don't know one person that hasn't seen that and been like, this is great. You know what? The Italian guy is so fucking good. Sure. Really good. But I just crushed this past couple of days. Only murders in the building. Have you seen that?

Have you watched that? Are you upset with it or something? I don't know why you just took a swig like you know. I'm not upset with it at all. You're not thrilled with it. I read it for something. Oh, I didn't know. Oh yeah, that's right. I think you helped me with that audition. Who'd you read for? Martin Short?

Who's fantastic in it, by the way. Gave it to goddamn Meryl Streep. You believe that? Broad put a shirt on. You're shirtless in the read. What's up? I'm H. Foley. I sleep without my shirt on and shirtless in the read what's up I'm H Foley I sleep without my shirt on and I don't care who knows it I can't remember what it was it was pretty juicy though would have been all right okay I have been

wanting to watch it listen Martin short I mean come on but it's it's so good because he's playing an ex-old famous guy, which is funny So like he's at it. So it's like it's just like a heightened version of an Upper West Side Successful guy who's not successful. That's awesome. And he's just fuck. I mean I'd love to be at a point where I can call Martin short Marty Marty I can call Martin short Marty Marty. He don't Let's get into it speaking. We have family beef me and you right sure I get bumping heads brotherly love Then we have a nice talk this weekend. I

Thought we did I don't think so. It was a few days ago or a couple a week ago when did we have a nice? Talk talk on the phone. Yeah. Hey, what's going on? Yeah, that was a pretty bad call That's a good call for you. You did lose your face ball Did we have a nice talk? On the phone? Yeah, hey, what's going on? No, that was a pretty bad call. That's a good call for you. You did lose your face ball. He kept trying to extend the call, go, what'd you say? What was that? I hear something in the background.

I'm going up. He's just saying goodbye. All right, cause you're breaking up. I just know you want to double check. You said? Whatever. You'll see my new Hawaii shirt in a few weeks what's the Majaros settles in alright let's get into it well gang like we said discussed on family episode it's family fights part two like we said we had so

many I mean you know we are the cloth we are cut from. All of you guys have all submitted your questions, and it's just like, obviously, you have insane stories about your family. Because you listen to the show and or watch the show. It just makes sense. I don't know, I mean, I guess I have a couple of buddies whose family that are fans fans of the show but through Knowing us, you know what? I guess like friends from college or whatever take Phil X. Of course. I don't think he's He watches as like he's at the zoo watching two gorillas sure You know what I mean? Yeah, Phil X good friend of good friend of kippy's very very very very well put together guy does very well got beautiful family I met him in college

Does well smart guy Looks like cash Gg does good does good The rest of you heathens All right, let's get into it. Uh, this one's from $10 homie Jr. $10 homie never had one red Before they had their six kids My mom made a chicken salad for a party at my dad's family's house Grandma and uncle were talking shit on my mom's chicken salad. That's tough and dad got pissed

It got physical with my uncle who was on god! who was on steroids at the time, and choked out my dad. Both parents had to leave with their pride shot. Listen. I've... Do you bring the chicken salad with you? I...oh... That's a no.

I mean you gotta... You're fucking slapping your husband in the face to wake him up. You're not worried about... Also, they ain't gonna eat it They're gonna that thing's gonna be in the garbage disposal to probably had raisins in it or some shit. I I've been relatively every person in this thing

Physical now, I'm just saying like I've been making fun of something. I shouldn't have been making fun There's never has there been physical not with just you and your brother Like a what? A church or something? You never saw two uncles go at it. No, no. Dude, getting choked out by your the young uncle over chicken salad. That's the whole thing. It's not over chicken salad. You're in therapy You should know that that fights been brewing for 40 fucking years. There's a reason I take my shirt off We'll get to the bottom of it someday two sessions a week. Um, yeah, I mean that's tough. I You gotta leave right? What do you mean? I don't know. I don't know who like also at the same time they're talking.

Your hair's all messed up, your face is bright red. Puffing an inhaler reel. Give me my puffer. I think it's, you know, but they're just shitting on the chicken salad. If they're like this dumb bit, you know, that's one thing. But the shit on the meal. That's not a fistfight offense. That's crazy. Also, especially if your brother's on roids.

You fucking... You make sure that don't get physical. He sat down and had a nice meal after that. He's got his shirt on. Anybody else got something to say? Yeah, he's running. He's leaning up. Potato salad ain't that good either.

Leaning up the front door. Anybody else? Looking at the neighbors and shit. Yeah, he's running. Huh? He's leaning up. Potato sound ain't that good either. Leaning out the front door. Anybody else? Looking at the neighbors and shit. Damn. That's a tough one. Yeah, I mean. That's unforgivable too.

I'm fighting him again for sure. When he's off the juice. When the cancer sets in. You get him when he least expects it. Fucking hit him when he's sleeping. That's like that's Yeah, that'd be tough for me to get over. I mean me getting beat up whatever That's happened. I've bounced back from that but trash in my wife's fucking you know cooking

That's tough. You can't all then be in the same room at a dinner that will for me that kind of stuff always lingers I'll always remember that. Yeah. You know what I mean? We always played by the rule of, you know, at like potluck-esque kind of things like that with family. You know, you might have a cousin, you know, exploring veganism. Sure. Vegetarianism.

Keep it vague. Whatever. Sure. And, you know, there's a side dish that shows up, you know? A little crunchy. In a weird Tupperware container. You know, they were maybe using glass before anybody else. That shit. That's when that's a, I mean, phew. Seeing something in a glass dish in the early 2000s.

Shoot it. What's this, from the future? Yeah. You know, you just this from the future? Yeah. You know, you just take a little scoop. Now, with that I go, I wait to hear. Chia seeds are great. What is that? Beetroot?

I use the stocks too. It's buckwheat three ways, you't say what am I a fucking koala? What am I eating here? My girl trying to pit me bitch bamboo shoots to me Oh you were a panda Can't we got time about Mando baby Gang it's the season. Oh big boys if you're out there you're struggling with this heat and humidity I got great news for you Mando has just launched something that's gonna take the sweat control to another level, baby We're introducing the Mando deodorant plus sweat control solid stick yeah it's double protection finally you got

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Sure. Someone's getting trashed. Your menus are always regulated too. And things like that. There's no No, but I'm saying there's no chance. Have you ever been to a fucking Applebee's? That's the menu. That's what I'm saying Well, you're we're getting a matter. You're getting Buffalo chicken dip That's what I'm saying. He'll do if nice He's getting wacky and these now these have been tried and true for a couple

I remember the first time she was bringing each thing. was like I had a carry of into my own kills. I was dropped them just to see what they were their asparagus rolled in like rye bread with cream cheese Apparently they're amazing, but I remember I went she was like grab the tray I went what the lady you're gonna you're gonna. There's gonna be a bloodbath in here. And I was thinking, I was like, we should... There better be chocolate in this. We should drop them. Not make them in the house. You know what I mean?

Ah, they look so good! Make sure the dog runs over and starts licking them up. But everybody loves them. Throwing snow on them. There's like, sesame seeds. I don't even know what they are. But she makes them once a year and they go. Buting snow on them. There's like sesame seed. I don't even know what they are but she makes them once a year and they go but that's about as it's buffalo chicken dip, cheesesteak pierogies, you know, uh. A hoagie

dip. A hoagie dip, a taco dip, a lot of dips. Sure. A big. That's what I'm saying. There's never really. No one's taking a swing. That's what I mean. No one's taking a swing Yeah, I couldn't imagine I Mean palette wise we're not really there. My one uncle made hummus one time and no one They call him Aunt Mike, you know, it's a tough He made a tahini and a no-bake cheesecake one time. I Thought the fight that he was wasn't in the oven I thought they were gonna riot. So you can sell Manila.

You want me to eat uncooked eggs? Oh man, that's tough. Yeah, there's no big and even that he started doing on his own. He didn't bring that. Has anyone found out he was doing that on his own? Has anyone in your family other other than maybe your brother, ever had a Brussels sprouts before? Yeah.

Yeah. Why have you? I don't know what a cucumber is. Just weird pickle you got. Sucks. Yeah, we're very meat and potatoes kind of team, which it's tough for me to break out of that's why like I was picky for my family. You're the only artist in your family.

I'm wearing a Luke combs hat. Artist. Yeah, man's an artist. They're all I'm saying I'm. Yeah, no, they're all very blue collar. There's a couple who have, you know, I got one uncle who does something with software. I have thesbians in my family. Talented individuals. People that work in the art space. So you might see a, you know, you might see a Brussels sprout casserole. We got a Brussels sprout casserole. That sounds like it

sucks. I don't care who's making it. Sunflower seeds and golden raisins. Get that off the list. Let's make room for the pierogies, will you? That's on a chair. Yeah. No, most everybody is relatively blue-collar a lot of you know teachers nurses My the cousins generation has done better, but it's still all in very blue-collar Yeah, you know owns a landscaping company owns a plumbing company hairdresser stuff like that

Reminds me did I ever tell you that my one buddy's mom was a teacher? She used to Vic the stuff from Vic. This stuff used to take the stuff from the cafeteria. Never heard Vic Vic it. Never heard Vic. This is for you looking for fucking lefty. What are you talking about? Vic it. Yeah, Vic. What are you boosting cars later to talk about?

Victor. Listen, I've been hanging out with you for 15 years. You ain't never dropped Vic. I'm not saying it's not a word. You're getting me wrong. Maybe that's why I thought it relates to this. In slang, especially among criminals, Vic can refer to a victim of

crime. No. So you were wrong on your line and you were wrong. She used to grift, grift, steal, steal. OK, I was trying to shut it. What are we doing? We're not surrounded. We're not connected. She used to take she used to take shit from the lunchroom,

like little apple juices and all that kind of stuff. That was always in his fridge. That was their main source of like snacks. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know, yeah um no little kids too they were tiny never does it that's like what you eat or drink when you're looking for what you're gonna eat or drink you know what I mean for four of them in a big way yeah even then it's got a the container I gotta have that I gotta have my I gotta have the portion that I've had in my head you know what I mean yeah if you give me two crackers out of a pack of like even those cheddar and peanut butter crackers you give me, too

I don't need to eat, but if I open it up I'm eating the whole thing sure and if you give me two I'm just going now. I gotta get my own back Oh speaking of which with the fan not that it's that big of a deal, but I almost lost it a little bit They needed a cup for the baby to give the baby a bath You know you sit in the tub and you pour to use a cup to you know Watch his air and shit like that. She grabs my fucking my big Texan cup that we got down there at the big Texan the big Plastic cup. That's my drink cup Tell you wouldn't use that again. I don't know it was in the bath

Tell you what didn't use that again. I don't know it was in the bath Listen you've done gross or shit. It's my cup though. I get it could use a wood one of her cups Was my big Texan cup it's all it's peeled perfectly put anything in it Water taste I got a lime Ricky cup lime Ricky is a drink from Curly's fries right across from Sam's Pizza. You get a Lime Ricky. I don't even know if I'm saying that right. Yeah, Lime Ricky. Yeah, it's like a lemonade or like a lime-ade.

Is there booze in it? No. Oh, okay. You mean like a lime-ade? Yeah, they call it a Lime Ricky. I had a lime-ade at one of the state fairs. Delicious. Has a nice tang to it. Better than lemonade, I would say. It's just... Lime Ricky's a cocktail, but... Oh, we do them straight up. They sell them straight up. But... It's lime and sugar. Yeah, whatever. And water. I'm just saying, I got the cup from about 48 years ago, and I still got it.

It made it up to my apartment somehow. I guess I took it up from the shore at some point or how would you fall if I use that for a urine sample they're not really compared no that's not at all what the fuck is wrong with you um but that's got a crack in it I'm saying I understand that's got a crack down the side and I still won't give that guy get I get what you're saying yeah it means a lot to me means a lot to me. It means a lot to me. I had a flyers one from back in the day. It was like a playoff game or something. I go so far as I will have a glass of water in it with ice

and I'll put the cup back in the freezer with the ice in it and just leave it in there so that when I take it out, the ice is rock cold and it's cold on the bottom and I can fill it up again. True artist, you know that? Thank you. Mm-hmm. All right, let's see here. This one's from $10 nutbuster. Okay Cops were looking for my meth head uncle a great start He ran into my mom's hotel room, which was our place of residency at the time

In between properties at the moment, officer. Ah, that's... I've hung out with people who were living in motels. It's... In high school you're like, it's pretty sweet. It's a vibe. I told you there was three girls down in Wyowood. They were staying at one of them and I walked by it every time.

Yeah. There was three hot girls I didn't stand a chance with. They were like cousins to my buddy or something. Doing drugs sitting on this side of a motel bed that are facing each other. Man, you really got to muscle through that. Don't think about it. Don't think about it.

Don't think about it. Just hit the light bulb and get out of there. Oh. I remember one time we were sharing a light bulb going around the group. That's a low. Jesus Christ. We were big long ones from behind a supermarket. Whoa. Somebody light me up. You got a guy for you.

If you do it, I want to go to Seychelles Motel. I believe it was the Seychhell motel down in a wild We had adjoining rooms to crack heads. Mm-hmm like they were just there doing drugs for you know And they broke in and stole this girl like the door just opened. Mm-hmm You know what I mean like there was no lock and we went we were underage So I think we probably filled up You know some bottles of rum and coke and like went walking on were underage, so I think we probably filled up some bottles of rum and coke and went walking on the boardwalk or whatever.

And this girl, Lena, left a purse there with three or 400 bucks in it, which it's like, duh. I mean, we're, you know. First of all, we knew there was a joining room and these crack heads just came in and ransacked all everybody's shit while they were gone. And she's like, we walked in, we're like, someone while they were gone, and she's like we walked in We're like someone's been in the room. She's like someone stole three of my three hundred dollars

I'm rose do we look I remember looking over someone I went knocked on their door and it opened up and I was like we were like let's go fucking Get them and like do we open the door there was a guy climbing on the roof I'm like yo fuck you guys need more towels in here here Yeah, it was like the ring coming out of the TV. I was like fuck that Three spider-men in there. It was either. It was either the seashell or the lolly. I can't the lollipop. I can't remember lollipop You know Rudy right although they all have like do-op II fucking yeah, they're cute down there while would you know? Why would New Jersey? You still got a little time in the summer can add it so the ones in the crest are like the tahini Safari like all this stuff, and they're all like still

They're like so theme II and cheesy, but in a cool. Yeah, what they had to keep them that way right yeah? There's a historic landmark. I mean they're getting knocked down left and right Kevin Ryan got shot down a room 609 right up there Girl from Gwennett mercy and nothing to do with him picture me called him Using me is dealing 300 bucks Look at sexy. He's told $300. Yes, three t-shirts on the middle of the summer. It's a layered look hides the boobs in the sweat stains, uh Okay, oh wait, okay. He ran into my mom's motel room, which was our place of residency,

and drew on his face with his Sharpie. He walked outside and when the cops approached him he said, Nah, that ain't me. You're looking for my twin brother. I'm the one with the tattoos on my face. The cops called his bluff and he went back to prison. Listen, I gotta give it to him. That guy, that is thinking quick and fucking trying. What else do you got?

Trying to draw that Mike Tyson tattoo on your eye real quick. You're writing words they're all backwards because you're in the mirror. You got to think well you don't have you run in there you know they're coming. Yeah. So he does the good thing it gets out. He doesn't want to put the kid in his sister in danger sure so he's like I'm I just give me five minutes Let me get my fucking costume cook in here If you had a beard you shaved it real quick to be alright Yeah, or throw on one of your sister's dresses or something yeah That would be alright. You know looking for my brother. Yeah

Get a heater going that's great though. That's fucking bonkos uh good for him. You know he's trying listen you tried Then you gotta go to central booking with that shit on your face as sharpie and coming off people think you're crazy too Well fuck with you. That's true I'll write on your face I'll write on your face All right, let's see here this one's from sergeant blue chew hey fellas never have one read when I was a young fat kid I was on a family road trip with my mother She cut me off from having more doughnuts. I definitely did not need more doughnuts I told my dad to leave her on the side of the road and that I didn't love her

I'm not sure what exactly happened after that but I was disciplined accordingly PAP a shout out mom I love you talk about burning it all down for a couple and a couple of doughnuts couple of frog hollows and I don't love her oh dude that's fucking talk about going for the jugular. Just like fuck this bitch. Oh, God, that's so funny. That's like that's a level of fat kiddedness where you would that shame. That's embarrassed.

You got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and you're going fucking. Leave this. I got yelled at. I got yelled at one time. I felt like I had gotten bamboozled by my pay. It was a betrayal It was a summer night. It was a nice summer night. I think we had a had a nice day I lived in Wilkes-Barre. Me and my brother went up to bed I came downstairs maybe like an hour later some water something like that. My parents are sitting out on the front porch You know kind of watching the sun go through the sun finishing going down you know

They got their two kids up there sleeping and they got a fucking big bag of M&Ms That I ain't seen Your which if I know you I was emotional Devastation I had a knife in my back and I go where'd you guys get those show your old fat ass And I call you didn't show you didn't share them with us you guys are pigs Oh, I would have fucking drowned you in the pool, dude Fucking my dad grabbed me like this and held me up like I was a puppy like what'd you fucking say?

my dad grabbed me like this and held me up like I was a puppy like what'd you fucking say you are such an Apologize to your mother called your mom and dad pigs. They're a peanut M&Ms, too. That's why I hate them Fuck that That's insane. I mean hey, she used to do that a lot with the chocolate twizzlers, too Is your fat ass ate them all yeah for the record? Loves a chocolate Twizzler. Hershey's chocolate, that's her vice. That and the frozen strawberry bars. You know the strawberry ice bars, I can't remember what they're called. Delicious. Loves them. Fudgy Wudgy Man sells them. Yes. Fudgy Wudgy. Na na na fruit bars bar Fruit bar, that's what they are. She loves them and chocolate twizzlers. She'd always stashed them around

Fucking they do it all for one in here the goddamn three musketeers run the Fox all together You're holding out on the root beers and the chocolate twizzlers always more more more. You always want everything. I'm an animal And I didn't understand it at the time You can't you can't be a six-year-old addict. You're a little fat ass. That's what that is. You're not an addict. You're not It's not like you're dealing with past trauma. You're fucking going to a meetings My coin Sex addicts and on of it hello, it's a lady keep rubbing my willy on the linoleum floor can't get enough of it hi I'm Henry I'm a freak I'm waiting for my balls to drop

uh yeah I mean that's you know that's that's you in a nutshell. Sure. The donuts made me think of it. I just want to hear your breath. Ten dollars stakeholder never have one read. Is it garbage to miss a day of school because your dad's truck got reposed? It's happened in my family a couple of times. Sure. I was getting ready for school one morning when my dad rushed into my room to tell me that his truck had been stolen My mom called me in sick But I still should have known better about it being stolen after the hour-long argument my parents had about the bills in the kitchen

Overall was a great day for me. I played guitar hero 2 and watch speed on DVD It's funny how you remember that shit it wasn't it wasn't until a decade later that I put the pieces together that it It would be in a repo job rather than a truck heist anyways. What are you gonna? Do about it? That's what he said it got stolen. Yeah, that's my I mean we were told it got traded in think it was a It was it by the feds sure it was uh I didn't know I just remember being like you showed up in like a Dodge neon to pick me up from school and I'm like where's the Jeep I might even been like

an aviator spending money we didn't have clearly and he's like yeah it's in the shop and then like that's out at the farm. I was sick. Yeah, and it was just then like, I didn't think about it. And then somebody popped a bubble like six months later. Cause I think I was turning 16 and I was getting lied to. I was like, yeah, I'll give you the Jeep.

I'm like, so I'm like telling my mom, like, yeah, I'm getting the Jeep. Oh, yo. Meanwhile, it's got repos. So you're Kinsignia. Yeah. And then, you know, reality. Uh huh. It hit in. I got a $600 Chevy Lumina with the paint missing. You can have the Jeep but you gotta go to a police auction out by the airport in Jersey to get it. Get it for change. You know, this might be alright. get it for change. Oh, this might be alright get it for cheaper Yeah, and it was like it wasn't till like I was it was months later

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because the mail was such a point of contention. And meanwhile, you don't get any more bills in the mail. I mean, I'll still get shit, but it's like, I can't check the mail, I can't open the mail, I fucking just, it's such, I remember going through it at one point, it was, my dad let it stack up five feet. And this is when like, there's no food, like, like, car's gone, jeep's gone, the jeep's gone, the fucking, there's no food like like cars gone jeeps good the jeeps gone

The fucking there's not a lot of food in that like we're like it's like I'm old enough to be like oh, we're broke Like there's no fucking cash And I remember a stand. I'm like do you need this stuff? I'm like trying to bring it to his front door like you got it Just but this is final notice, dude Lot of redstone. I'm like sure that and that's when it was I'm not here The phone would be the house line would be ringing off the hook and it was I ain't here start asking for you Write my name down again. Yeah bills in the kitchen. Patty was at her cruelest when she was sitting there making it all work. My mom, I gotta give it to Denise. My mom just kind of resigned to

the fact of we're living off credit cards. I'm making minimum payments until we get out of this. That was she never got Kevin's band hits it. The double sticks takes off. Shout out to guilt by association. Or sound lab Guilt by association all right She played it real cool. She never got stressed at that it was she was just I remember just being like whatever I

Remember the car to the credit card getting declined and you know school shop in an Old Navy. Next to, the Old Navy shut your down. They're giving it close away. The $3 t-shirt. It's Old Navy still popping like that? What do you mean? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah?

I think so. They still banging. That was my, that was the last. That was cool foley. 60% off summer steals. There you go No, that was the last that was the that was the helicopter rung that I hung on to Before I went over to DXL. Oh, you could get it like I could get away. I could get away with it Yeah, they might have a three You know they might you could get away with it over over at have a three, you know. They might. You could get away with

it over at Old Navy for a little while. Yeah, then I had to go ashore. We should have gone to DXL, sir. Get out of here. That was, you used to brag about that stuff a lot too. What? It's Old Navy. Yeah. I thought you'd show up, somebody shit shit on your shirt because you were big into graphic Yeah They were the first one to put the elastic in the jeans as far as I joggers No, no, the actual jeans were stretchy

dick girls Navy when that technology caught up Jesus Saved the whole generation of fat guys Hit it the right time. You're looking back. You're like, you're like, you're like... You ever put on regular jeans? I got no give. Yeah. I bought a pair of Solvage denim recently, I told you. American made! I'm trying to go American made. Do you remember the jeans you gave me that had the fold up? They were my cool jeans for a while.

Those things. It was like getting into a washing machine. There was no giving those things. Yeah. I was off. Yeah. It was like getting into a washing machine. There was no giving those things. Yeah, hi. Yeah, remember that It was a couple episodes ago maybe or four or five whatever you you were we were making fun of me for My clothes or something and you said banana Republic and I was like no way was I a banana Republic guy, right? The only thing I never reminded me the only thing I ever bought a banana Republic I had a hundred100 gift card there. And you know what it was?

You know it very well. Oh, that green jacket. Green jacket. They got passed through every shitty Philadelphia comedian. From you to me to Reggie Conquest, Dave Temple. Dave Temple had it recently. I saw Dave Temple like a year ago rocking it. That went to like Menuhin Heart.

That went to like literally went through, there was 11 people in a group text and the second it got too big for me, it literally went to you and then you and Reggie were living together. Reggie took it. Man, that day. Yeah. That was 90 something dollars. Reggie has that Barney's coat that my brother bought that I look awesome in.

I don't know what happened to it. The trench coat? No, not the trench coat. You did not look awesome in. I don't know what happened. Trench coat? No, not the trench coat. You did not look good in that. It was just Barney's coat that my brother bought 25 years ago. And I looked, the zipper was broke, but it looked alright. It was very slender. I don't know, I never remember you looking alright in anything. You had that step up. He used to wear a red step, it was a red

shirt. At this point, you're pushing, you're 40 something. Yeah, I'm 40. And you got a red shirt that At this point, you're pushing your 40 something. Yeah, and you got a red shirt that says step up and it's got a ladder on it. Step up, Luke. Oh, step up, dude. Step up. There's that picture of us at the at the Raven Lounge. Four year anniversary. Mm hmm. Remember, we went back.

Maybe we're still living in Philly. No, I was living in Philly because I had gotten into an argument with the owner and he wasn't gonna let me come to it. It was something about the production of we wanted to do this and he couldn't let us or whatever. I'm saying fireworks. He's like, dude, you're in the attic of a bar.

That's when I wore the step up shirt with the, I had a green Henley that I wore underneath it. Yes and I'm wearing I'm wearing Phil X's polo that I wore for so dude and I have like another color undershirt I have like a gray undershirt under it. Look at us now baby. The height of fashion. Luckily you got a shirt on. I'm wearing free merch. God, so funny, so funny. Great question though. Mm-hmm. All right, let's see here.

This one's from Dadalac, $10 homey, never wanna have one red. I haven't spoken to two of my sisters for 16 years. Jesus. Because I called one out for borrowing money from my dad to get the house when she threw a memorial. Okay. Oh, let me this is a little run on sentences. All right. I haven't spoken to two of my sisters for 16 years because I called one out for bar and money for my dad to get a house. Okay. She threw a Memorial Day party. Okay. Barbecue, whatever. At the new house house uh-huh and gloated that her and her husband did it all themselves I get you not letting that be able to fucking slide Wow cuz that is a thing with dirtbags It's like if you take the hand that listen every we're all in the same pool if you grab it if there's a life There's a noodle floating and you grab the noodle. Mm-hmm It is what it is, but it is the dirtbag badge of honor to be like nah. Yeah

He goes I said nope Was with dad when you asked him for 10 G odds over the phone They both kicked me out and the one cried I laughed and haven't missed them since That's I respect the move. Of course, because it is the dirt. There's so many inherent dirt bag things here. One, you got to borrow the money to get the house. That is what it is. Family helps family.

It is what you know. Just want to thank my dad for helping us out with this. We love you so much. That would have smoothed ever. Nobody would have said shit. Yeah. But then to lie about it. I respect the move that's their work Hey fucking go down with the ship. I lied to Patty cosign the car for five years When it was her car. Yeah. Yeah, you were lying to me about that and I knew the truth

Well, I still got give her money for the easy pass. She used to yell at me. She gets it. I did give her money for the easy pass. Are you still on her phone playing? No. I kick you off after 50. So you should have your own family by now. I still go to the pediatrician. I did for way too long. I was I was out of college, I think and I went getting STD checks by on a race car bed. Still the smallest dick in the office. Except that lady. Um, so lying about it. Trash and then not

being able to let it slide is also Yeah, that that is for let also shout out to pops Got 10 G odds laying around in he's willing to break you off coming in You don't get a little shout out for that. You gotta shout him out. You know giving a speech to give it a speech Come on, man Memorial Day to he's probably in the service Day two he's probably in the service Fuck that would have caught 16 years is too long You know, but I would have called him out, too

If you listen, I don't know if I would have in the moment But you're definitely I'm definitely getting another sixer in me and running my fucking mouth for sure. That's happening Bullshit they said about doing on I was there. I'd start start like as 40 grand she is I like I was there when I was there when you called that I was there that's great man also calling a jihad's shout out to it you know he had a plate in his hand what he said played a beans and a hot dog that's a paper play for sure. Oh, yeah I just wants from the fuzzy clam $10 homey never had one red Someone had to take the mic away from my cousin while he was making his best man speech for his brother He was trashing the bride

PS this ended up starting a whole fistfight between the family. That ain't great. I don't understand the... That's not the time nor the place. No matter how you feel, everybody knows how I feel about the best man speech. You get in, you get out. Two minutes, ten seconds. Even like, I've never seen a long good one.

Guys, girls, and I've never seen a long good one Guys girls, and I've seen some really Good one like really meaningful ones. I just hate them to my core. It's like I Don't know it's an art form. I know but it should I we should do a way I get that you're saying something, but it's like there's so much pressure on it the people who give them don't have fun It's so much pressure on them. It's not till later, so they're like they don't get to enjoy it. It's just so much Just fucking do a pre-pre taper mid roll or something you know what I mean brought to you by blue chew Yeah, I don't know it's just they're so unenjoyed It seems like you're not it's not like a joining of families and like you have to

Give this it's like no these people are never gonna fucking see each other ever again You're gonna cross paths. Love you. Love you. Thanks for coming, but I'm the best talk to you soon Bye, I would argue you don't even what's the that's all given to me. That's all understood I think there's a lot of things in weddings and shit like that those traditions that should go away Like what fly everybody Hawaii the thank-you card you still didn't send them did you you didn't send them did you oh? My god I mean, I don't care you didn't get me none. Yes, I did Yes, yes, I did I did it all on my own

Yes, yes I did. I did it all on my own. That's fucking bullshit. At last I checked you had five layovers to get there. In the back of the bus. I still need to be compensated for that. Also I think we owe Luke money too. I'm pretty sure we do. We got to straighten Luke out.

I had a great time time get you some language This one's from comics can't read out loud I take that personally $10 donation Never have one read I was probably the only kid wearing a seat belt in the 80s mom and dad would start arguing a lot I would click that shit up the matter. He got the faster. He drove, and he wasn't good at it. That's I Get that I mean when me and my wife were fucking will be you know not even you just the conversation switches from what a beautiful day to a Sticking point and I start, I'm days

of thunder out there. Yeah. Because your adrenaline starts going, you're just, you're a little, you're tenser, so you're, you're, you know. And then anybody does something out there. Let your fucking, hey! Yeah. Man, putting the seatbelt on is crazy.

I had this yesterday. I was I was parallel parking a car and I pull up this guy leaves, right? So I pull up and as I'm pulling, you know, you pull up to the car like in front of the car in front of the space. The car that was behind me loops around and like not steals the space, but it gets in front of me to like get into traffic more. Like there's a red light. I got it. So now he pulls up so I can't pull all the way up

because he went around me and blocked me from pulling up. Right, right, right. So I'm like, that's a crazy like. You can't complete your. I can't get up far enough. So I'm going, that's an insane, this is New York City, that's an insane. This is New York City That's an insane move for me. I mean this is reading the car pulled out out

I'm sitting there with my turn signal on How do you not read that this is a parallel parking situation you give me five seconds to shake it out Also, it's a red light. You can't go nowhere. Are you going you can't go nowhere? So I'm pulling up you like cuts me on so I'm like kind of whatever. And then the car behind me doesn't realize I'm parking and he pulls up and just like, like I'm also still in traffic now. And I'm like, this is everybody's first fucking day. What are we doing? And we were already a little tense. It's coming out. Yeah. It's coming out. Yeah That molten core starts it was it was to the point. I knew it was because she started laughing and I was like, all right I'm wrong You know what? I mean with her or with the parking guys with the with the parking guys You're not wrong

If my reaction was wrong, I didn't do I didn't need to question all of society and how effing stupid these effing people were. You know what I mean? It was like, I don't go, I don't just stop and what's this guy doing? What was your first like? I'm fucking kidding me. Yeah. And then when I insert that into the car, that's those aren't good vibes. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I hate? Which I go too quick and I know and I do it'll hear a lot and I apologize. I hate if I'm in those situations and maybe I'm chirping a little bit.

Not like I'm going to get out, not like road rage going to get out and do anything. But if there's maybe a slight exchange or I'm about to say something out the window. Okay, tough guy. And you're about to wake up and then they say name It infuriates me because I feel like it takes away my toughness so like you're gonna scream at someone Henry Yeah Fucking say my name What if shit goes down? I don't want them to know they got a lead on my name, huh? You know I think you'll be alright. I mean also what's gonna go down a Strong honking quickly rolling up my window lay on that horn

Do three more times you're gonna have a problem on your hands This was from John longtime first time never had one. Are you garbage if you need to break up a funeral? This is, listen, my mother had 10 brothers and sisters. That's a lot. Like any Irish dirtbag family, that's a recipe for disaster. A lot of scraps to be fighting over. Sure. And here's the thing, I come from a family that my mom's one of nine, they're all pretty good. There's no, there's no non-non-talking to. Yeah. Couple of stragglers here and there, but you know, all in all, everyone, everyone can be in the same room at all times. Right.

Which is nice. Um, the family ended up being so torn up with beefs that when my grandfather died, the wake needed to be split into two rooms to keep everyone separate. They use temporary partition walls to divide a large room down the both sides could access the coffin at the front but depending on what side of the beef you were on, you would enter one door on the other so you'd be no fighting in the funeral home. Whoa. Probably not a lot of suits at that way. you were on, you would enter one door out of the other, so there'd be no fighting in the funeral home.

Whoa. Probably not a lot of suits at that weight. No, no. Lot of clip-on ties, maybe. Surprisingly, there were no issues that day, but it was fairly awkward when the priest needed to announce two separate luncheon locations. Again, depending on which side of the beef you were on.

Listen, I respect the shit out of that. I would hope I was cool with everybody so I could float back and forth. My man! Hit me, Jack. Listen, that's mature. That's dirt bag and you can't get over it, but you're going, hey, we're all gonna keep it together for Pop-Op separate, but you know, we're all there.

Everybody's that, I gotta give it to that. That's man. Yeah, that's thinking ahead. That and everybody. You were super trash. You would have let it all hang out or even run. They're going. We're not even. This is what I like about. They're going. We're not running the risk. Put a fucking fake wall up. Let us mourn how we mourn let those dirtbags more Those two time and motherfuckers and just let it be that that's pretty fucking advanced emotionally I Don't think did two like little speeches Just trash as you know

Pop-pop hated those fucking losers on the right side of the room damn, yeah, that's uh, that's a tough one as You know I've funerals really bring it out I Have motion I've had one re well. It's also like when someone passes especially like that's older a Lot of people Are keeping things copasetic for one or two people. Mm-hmm.

Then the second, those- Oh, yeah. It's, well, I was only fucking being nice to him because of so-and-so. That's the classic Godfather. He didn't kill Fredo till the mom died. Yes, yes. So I've, you know, I've dealt with that where like, there's been altercations at the man, like, let me talk to him or her and you gotta go, well, I've gotten very rude, there's been very rude Facebook messages.

Sure. Where you're just like, all right, I've just, you know, you just gotta, like, I've had so much internal beef in my family, all the very segmented portions of my family, mom, dad, step mom, step dad, that I've just resigned to. This is who I am. Of course.

I've said at a very young age, as a young, young adult, that when that person dies, I'm done with all of them. You know what I mean? Where you're like, I shouldn't have to be weighing those options. As soon as that dog's dead, I'm never talking any of this. Never going back to Orbeez. Yeah, it's very much that, where you're like, god damn.

But this is what makes up the listeners that list like this is that is that is this person does not know that as a normal experience to him that's insane yeah but that isn't that goes yeah my problem is what he was split down to because whatever keep the peace I want to know what they were fighting over so bad dude so bad send us a follow-up it's gotta be between. We'll keep it between us. What do you think it could be? It ain't cash. Irish Catholic family, 10 kids.

It ain't, even if there's a bajillion dollars. Amongst the Irish Catholics, it could be just something where somebody thought they were wronged. It's usually what it is. And it's not that exact thing. They love each other so much sometimes. I don't know about that. I think it is.

There's but you can't express it. You know, and somebody does something that hurts somebody so deeply, but they can't express it the next time they do something topical or something on the surface, they explode at them. He think his shit, his shit don't stink. Yeah. Like he's a fricking. Like the peanut M&Ms. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Don't get me started. Glad we got to the bottom of that. It always comes back to the Choco Lot for you. The Cocoa Bean. Ha ha ha ha. All right, let's see here. This is from Sticky Vicky. My 30-something year old brother moved back in with my parents and is living in their basement.

My man. Every fight between the siblings now starts with, at least I don't live in my parents' basement. Which then leads to fisticuffs. Which I get. Listen. That's a cheap shot. Fair is fair. You wouldn't take it? What? You, dude, you fight dirtier than anybody I've. Listen. That's a cheap shot. Fair is fair. You wouldn't take it? What?

Dude, you fight dirtier than anybody I've ever seen. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. That's gotta be, you gotta go, you, listen. In these kind of things, you test the, you send the jab. You see how that jab's received. If they come back with a fucking...

I also... Overhand right gotta say You gotta snap them. I also might be inclined to keep my head down if I was in that That's what I'm saying. You can't go fucking you can't I'm usually pretty good at that When I'm when I'm what when I'm if I'm a hurt animal I fly under the radar Yeah, when I'm covered up, I'm covered up You don't go fucking poking the be no when you're living in your parents base now as someone I'm not doing an advice column. Yeah, but the rest of the family is what you got to do You can't be judging and at that point you got to hope that you're close with your mob that you probably are We're like after everybody leaves you're having a glass of wine at the house because you're already home

You know because you're living in the basement and you start trashing whoever. Yeah. You don't do it. Me and Denise used to do. I've moved home. That's how you get the inside. I've moved home a handful of times. And even now, if I go down to shore, it's just me and me.

We're getting sauced up and we're trash. You trash. You're trash. But that's how you get on the inside. That's when the next thing you know, the dad passes or the mom passes and everything's in your name These other people who went out and lived on her own I've done a lot of manipulating out back at Patty's with a couple heaters with her sure That's his problem. Can you believe that?

That's how you get an easy going after a couple knee see wines like worm That's how you get an easy going after a couple knee see wines like worm In her ear so they're just doing that what that's I told her she called me And I said no what you think of? What you said that way? Yeah, she's got some balls Denise won't say balls. He's she here. He or she's got brass ones on them, huh? That's what you'll say. You got a set of brass ones does your lightener cigarette? I'm with you Whatever you say to it

Shit dirt bags. I love it Alright, let's see here. This one's from tie boogie $10 shareholder I watch my mom fistfight my older sister in the middle of the street at 3 a.m. for my bedroom window Goddamn when I was 12, I was cheap seats Up in the naves bleeds when I was 12 and my older sister was in her early 20s My sister drove to home a little sauced up my arm called her out front and they started the brawl on the street Mom won respect that spec my street justice straighten you out you want to be a dog

Probably her car probably yeah in a ditch one. He's there my car, but your house at least yeah That was that's actually in a weird way. That's classy because I bet you that's a lesson that you're sis I hope so that your sister never forgot your mom had every right so you learned it, too He's watching from 12 years old. I'm gonna have to fucking fight mom at 3 a.m. All fucking banged up. No, thank you get an uber She got a fucking right hook. I like that. Yeah, that's pretty good. All right, we got to wrap it up gang That's it family fights. Yeah, all right, duh. What the wall ladies and gentlemen? We love you grab your tickets to the live shutter coming up quick, baby. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna see you next week. Please