Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Family Vacations Edition w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. We're talking Family Vacations, it's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored by: HexClad: Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at https://hexclad.com/garbage Better Help: Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE Brunt Workwear: Get $10 Off at BRUNT with code GARBAGE at https://bruntworkwear.com/GARBAGE Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to get started. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. It's that little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Oh, you're just a big old piece of trash. Ed, Ned. I'm your host, Tate Trulley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in the new edition.

She's upstairs snorting athletes' footpowder. She ran out of the good stuff. I don't get you. A little ten-actor down her. She's up there doing fucking Goldbott. That's a good stuff. It's not bad. That's named Brain.

She stays dry all day. Mike Coes is coming at you from across the table. He's my best pal in the whole wide world. He's the king of the burbs. He's a new father. He's a homeowner. He's got cars. He's got a loving one.

wife he's doing all right he's a good kid plus he's down a couple of pounds and you know his best pal is me he's a lucky guy give it up for kj Kevin james ryan everybody what up gang shout out to you uh do you ever think about that what i'm your best pal in a whole wife run how lucky are you how lucky are you huh got uncle hank i know throw a chuckle to you very very lucky if that's all it was it be okay well uh shout out to you thanks to tune it in as always please make sure you read for you subscribe on it's full video available on youtube full video Valible over there on Spotify and guys get your get your fucking Werner ladders out because the boys are climbing a charts all right I get your six footer we don't need no help over

there we're in a goddamn charts get your fucking 10 footer out get your little whoopty whoop get what at your high reach because the boys are going up the charts so if we snubby over there on spotify it's because we're top dog over there not top dog we're top 35 top 35 oh right you too we need you to spotify we're the cool kids in school so we'll talk after school all right it's like school versus summer camp I can Can't be fucking mixing worlds over there. Sure. I was never like that, by the way.

What? You know, I can't talk to you. Okay. You know? In high school, I wouldn't like that. Talk to everybody. Sure. You are I would have iced.

Okay. You're your best friend, right? You just said, I'm your best friend. You fucking iced me. In the summer. Can't be talking to some kid with a cool later on, his fucking lips or whatever you were doing. Yeah, we'd both look alike then.

I never had that shit. Dirty, fucking old, pizza breath. And then, obviously, The greatest website of all time. www. patreon.com slash rar you garbage. You go over there. You get all that bonus content, gang.

I'm talking two episodes at the $10 level. It's a $10 level. You get two episodes every week. Let me school you in. If you're out there, you don't know, what is Patreon? I don't know. That's for the weirdos. That's for the boy.

It's for the homies. And there's over 15,000. 15,000 strong. I can sell out Madison Square Garden. Everybody showed up. And we moved the stage. I did a real big stage. Why?

How many does that hold? I don't know. Get a number on that. At a concert. 22. No. 35. At a concert, probably like 17 or something like that?

17? Not with the stage that we got. We each have our own stage big. For sure. Bake it up. Close out that top. I would go up like that so I can slide down like you too used to do that long-ass stage. I saw someone, Katie Perry back flipping through the crowd and it's like, what are we doing?

That's like that. I don't think I'd want to see that. No, you don't like back flipping? What's the, I mean, go see a fucking circus if you want to see that. What about Chris Brown or Usher? You ever see those guys fucking dance? Man, they got the mood. They pull your girl up out of the crowd.

It is a... Start finger blasting. It is a rap. I do that Afro-Caribbean dancing on her. Good night. Bumping and grinding, huh? Yeah. What do you got on MSG?

$19.55,000. I can't sell them tickets. He's got bad numbers. You don't know what the hell he's doing. Stop by the corner off and say what's up to Luke, everybody. Hey, fellas. Really tanking over there. I've been sick for like a week.

I know. I'm supposed to be in the Hamptons. Fucking rich kids. This fucking prick. I ain't never been to the fucking Hampton. You know what he said? I went to the Hampton once for my, for my wife's fucking, like, 33rd birthday. I took her out.

You did? You weren't in the Hamptons. I was at the Hamptons. Yeah. I don't know. I was in Tim Dillon's driveway once. Oh, I did go to Tim's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pretty cool. Let's not let in. He took the flap right. I brought in. I know this. You went to a restaurant and you didn't like it. No. Yeah.

No. I'm telling you. That's your best friend I'm telling you No we went off season On a Wednesday night It took fuck It took like six hours to get out

It's brutal Straight the whole way Dude we got out there It was dark Check it into a mo Stayed at a motel Fucking bed bugs It was bad

It was rough That was the only night I was only night I really wow this broad I was pretty good At doing vacations and stuff like that I'd book it right when I got my check. Right when I got direct

to pay. What did you ever go? What did you ever take her? No, I'd be like if I went to see her or whatever. Or like anything. I was just good at like managing the cash flow to get the plane ticket or whatever. You know what I mean? Kind of. Like I would buy it the second I got my check and then just live broke for the next two and a half weeks. And I would time it with when I was getting paid again. So I'd be getting paid

the day I left. I was leaving Friday. I made sure I booked my ticket for a Friday that was payday. Oh, a little kicked up. I can have a burger and a beer at the airport bar. I love a burger and a beer at the airport bar, don't you? You weren't sacrificing that, were you? No matter what happened after that. So you go over there.

You go over to Germany. Stay with her. Yeah. Bar money off her. Yeah. Now look at you. Yeah. Huh?

Sure taught her, huh? Yeah, right. Now he was fucking laughing. Kind of knocked up. Been screwed every which. Trapped in the house. I mean, I bought a fixer-upper. I didn't know it was a fixer-upper.

Listen to me. What? You're a good kid, and I love you. Thanks. You don't know what to talk to you about? What's that, bud? Vacations. Oh, thanks for bringing that up.

No problem. My idea of vacations? Telling me like it wasn't my idea. Doing themes. Doing themes here at the show. Changing it up a little bit. Scandles and animals. Only in New York.

I think about that all the time. What? We're in Aunt Tooties, but we're broadcasting. from New York City. Yeah. I always want to do this as a little kid. As a little kid. You want to broadcast from New York City?

Yeah, when I watch Letterman. We do a little show here out of New York City. We're broadcasting from New York City. Uh-huh. It's pretty fucking sweet. Yeah. I'm always doing it for five years, fucking four days a week. What?

Just eating you. Hey, buddy, up the meds, will you? This guy, take a couple of fucking reality pills. Ooh, we. Check the frig in. No, it's, as you said, I've, I was, we were, uh, Never a big vacation, I went down the shore. You get, ended down the shore, the aunt's house, the cousin's house, the fucking...

That was it. That was it. And I said that to my wife, she's like, well, you never went on vacations? I was like, we went on, we went down the shore a lot. So it was like, you don't go on vacation in the window. Like, you don't, we never, like, fucking went anywhere because it was, we went every, you know. They ever take you out of school? You ever, you never went on a vacation in like October or something like that?

We tried to go to Jamaica. We tried to go to Sandals once because that's where my mom and my staff. that would go every year and they got married there right and we tried to go the next year I think for their one year anniversary all together all together and there was some sort of coup there was some sort of the government had raised the taxes and uh they gave they gave they gave a travel advisory not to go to jamaica so we're not going my mom was already nervous going to sandals let alone fucking you're down there with a beret and a fucking machete trying to do the accent Holy shit

We wouldn't make it as guerrillas, I don't think No We wouldn't be good gorillas I have a cave in two seconds Yeah So we had to do So we We did a last minute change

To go to Disney and we flew East Wind Air Those go down Oh man Are you kidding me I've had to say this Look up East Wind Air There was a bumblebee on the back

And I remember my brother going I ain't getting on that fucking plane You need a little free A little freightie So you did So you What? I mean, this plane looks like, it's like...

They had two, they only owned two planes. Like Sullivan Learning Center. They got there selling sponsorships. Teaching how to read in the back. So you did do that stuff. Because let me tell you some. We did it one. They changed it for like, we went down Thursday and came home Monday.

I was one time. My cousins and some friends I knew used to do that. Not every year, but like once every couple of years, that blew my... I'm like, you're getting out of school? Yeah, we're going skiing in Vail for like a week. That's, I mean, no. We're getting, we're going, we're getting pulled out of school, we're going. We would do the Poconos on the week, like we would do one winter trip to the Poconos.

We'd go up to like Big Boulder, Jack Frost, Tanglewood, something like that. On a weekend. Yeah, on a weekend. Maybe, yeah, it was a weekend. Maybe you'd Friday afternoon, you'd leave. Because the problem is my dad and my stepdad each own small construction companies, and you can't dip. Yeah, you can't take a, if you own a small business, you can't take a, week off then nothing's fucking happening you know what i mean you gotta wait for yeah you gotta make sure you collect wait for the check general contractors tend to pay 90 day make you wait 90 days for your cashies let me tell you we didn't have it um so it was like yeah it would be friday to sunday night

what that was it you got a week down the shore maybe two weeks if it was a good year that we never no we were just weekends never two vacations one drove to texas in nineteen eighty one straight through in a Dotson to see my cousins and then in 1989 right after the hurricane right after the earthquake in San Francisco we flew to Serene Lakes, California

to spend like two weeks with my cousins up by Tahoe. Yeah. That's it. There are the only two vacations we ever went on. I remember. I remember people would go to like Europe

as a kid. And I remember Flip went to France. France. Who the fuck? What are you? What are you? It's just like to get my mom or dad to go to friends. I think if my parents were millionaires, they would have never gone to friends.

I think for their, I think my dad, so my dad would get, because you would buy so much like PVC from like ABC plumbing or whatever or like supply house that they would get, hey, we're give you for being like customer of the year. We'll send you on like an Apple's vacation to Portugal. I remember him and my mom went to Portugal. Portugal? Uh-huh. Your stepdad. No, my dad and my mom. No shit.

Before they had kids. Portugal? And he would tell me. How do you know? He would tell me stories, and I would sit there like he was fucking Magellan. I go, tell me more. Porch. I tell people.

My dad went to Portugal. Like, I was like, dude, that was like, you might as well. You might as well be on the moon. I was like, yeah. He'd like, yeah, there was cops on a horse. I said, cops on horses. They speak a weird kind of Spanish over there. The fuck's that all.

What's that all about by? By the way. I don't know. Portugal's going to show off. You can't speak Spanish? You can speak Portuguese? I don't know. I'm sure they got conquered by the...

I'm sure it's, you know... By who? What would have to been to Spanish? I don't think they voted to speak Portuguese. That's a... No, I think they did. They would be speaking Spanish. Why is Brazil speak Portuguese then?

Brazil speaks Spanish. Don't they? Speak Portuguese? Yeah. Luke? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't know that?

I don't know. I'm an idiot. I don't know where Portugal is. It's over by... It's over by... It's over by Spain, but in my head is in South America. Brazil was colonized by Portugal. Brazil was colonized by Portugal's huge.

Yeah. Damn. They rolled over like that? Portugal's tiny. No, they were one of the main, main guys back then. Yeah. I don't know what I'm talking. No, shit, yeah.

Brazilians are a feisty bunch. Sure. Brazilian chicks. I've seen straightening out. I've seen the videos. But yeah, no, so that's what we're doing. We're doing trashy vacations. Figure out nice.

Also, I learned August is. the time people like July and it's like that's now because my my kids my my brother and sister do it they have their family vacation like my sister's like we go on a road trip every year we take the kids to do some sort of like expert experiential uh whatever like the grand canyon or something not that but they'll drive to like you know we're driving to upstate new york to see the finger lakes or something i'm like what's more east pier wow new jersey we'd hit at canobles grove or a great adventure or donnie park or something like that or maybe Hershey Park on a weekend.

Yeah, I mean, that's not. Drive down to D.C. on a weekend with the families and do to, you know, fucking see the memorial and all that stuff. I never do that. Go to the Vietnam Memorial. Stand there for a little bit, get something eating, come back. Sure. A road trip with my family, like educational and...

They're teachers. They do to teach and stuff. I'm not for me. My dad would have lost his fucking mind. Yeah. Couldn't do anything like that. Fucked up people. Best vacation I ever had.

That was the one where we went to stay with my cousins. in Serene Lakes, California. That was a proper, good time. Yeah. One time, I remember one time we did Ocean City, New Jersey. No, Ocean City, Maryland. I remember listening to CDs were big at the time. And my cousin had a big CD book, and I just sat in the room.

It rained every fucking day. I just sat in our room. Folks, if you're not familiar with Ocean City, Maryland, a lot like purgatory. Sure. I remember aliens tried to make a shore town and missed uh-huh i do remember something odd about it if you're if you if you're if you grew up going to the jersey shore so it was i guess it was me my mom i don't know if my stepdad was there and our three kids and then my aunt karen my uncle john and their kids so there's like 10 of us in a house something like that he's maybe more i forget and i remember it was like one of those tall like uh anytime we have ever rented a house and why well if you ever been to why would you know these it's like the first floor of a small cottage home or the second floor or like the back sometimes the first sometimes the house is split like in the middle and there's someone just on the other side of the

wall you know so we were a lot of that and then there was just like you always just felt it's like you're the toolbox it's very true and you always just compared yourself to the people upstairs or next door or and you just went at least we're not them or wow look at them that was usually thing. Man, they got that place. That guy's doing all right. No, it wasn't that. Well, it wasn't place. It was behavior. It was like these people out there, like fistfight. We called the, I remember the one. We sat out on the porch.

Astro turf covered porch and called the people next to us, the Springers. Because it was like watching Jerry Springer because we didn't have, there was like no cable. We just sat out there. And then the mom was fighting with the boyfriend of dad would come and fucking clean someone clock. That was kind of us. We'd take over the harbor house in Ocean City. Yeah. Just take over the fucking deck. Parents be drinking, hanging out all night.

I mean, no, we did that, but they would, that's what I'm saying. We would watch them all get in some sort of fight, and that's what we did. But whatever. Fighting on vacation, scarred you. Sure. Trauma. Sure. But all that's neither here nor there.

We got to go. I just fucking went down a dark, dark back. I was about to slip into it, too. I remember a fight that the four of us got into right outside of the Coast Guard base in Cape May. I've thought for sure this was it. His family was splitting up Never went back to Cape May Until we went back with Tommy and O'Connor

Sure, which we ruined that I mean that was we were trying to go out to a nice dinner And we all got in a big fight drunk Yeah Shout out to Chris O'Connor, ruined dinner Chocolate covered strawberries That's all my mom wanted You're a freak

I was some fucking place down there Take them in the bedroom We had literally just went through nuclear war Uh-huh I got me talking about Shut up Yeah, good times. That's why we're here, gang.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. But we reached out to the good homies over there on Patreon, and they flooded the discussion board with their stories and tales of trashy vacations. Kid me, Kippie. Kevin Ryan, everybody. And this is one, too.

we forget we're looking backwards but like there's a lot of times where people are still taking vacations with their friends which we don't necessarily do with their friends yeah like friends go on vacation families you know two different families go on vacation

together yeah we did that I'm saying but now yes like now we're not doing that like you don't have a friend that you're like every year we get a house in the Poconos for a week we could sure You weren't such a dick You mean like guys Our age that

I don't know You're taking this personal For some reason Guys that have families Are like buddies Anybody yes Use your imagination There's groups of people

In their 20s 30s 40s That either travel with their family They started off going with themselves And they go you know what We each have kids the same age Let's all go away Let's all do that Isn't that crazy

There's guys our age that are doing Like the dad stuff Like they have like you know 10 12 year olds They're like They're doing that Not really I mean, I guess my perspective has recently changed on it as the fact of having a kid, but yeah.

Like Phil X. Like Phil X does that kind of shit. He's the dad. And you'll be doing that soon. Yeah. So she throws you out. And you're living with me. Oh, my God.

What would you do? Talk about purgatory. What? We'd jump off the GWB. What? Then we start going on a vacation together. Where? Kate May.

right you at the fucking ghost guard's office go to patties club fully that's what we do sure um i mean we did we we've we've we've all tried when we went to ireland that was a vacation i mean that was a work trip but we didn't do shows we try and we we travel very we're a little different we travel so much together you know what i mean yeah but all right so this one is this people have lives sure uh-huh i never did anything like that What? What you're saying? Like, you know, yeah, we all go away every year, all that stuff.

Never. At what, A, I don't know what you're talking about. Like in your 20s, you never went on vacation with your boys? Not like a group of people. We went camping once up at Lake George. Who? Me, Shriner, Dufrain, my buddy Delle. My buddy, Nate.

Sounds like a bunch of dead guys. Shriner, Dufrein. My buddy Nate brought his girl. Dine peace. Yeah. Smoke show. They had a big tent. and me, Dufrein, and Delaware in like a two-person tent.

Uh-huh. I bet you were playing night crawlers. Didn't shower for two weeks? We weren't allowed to the house. Two weeks? He were there for two weeks. Why? I don't know.

Shriner wanted to go up there. Shriner had a house up there. It sounded like he didn't have a house up there. If you stayed in a fucking two-sevety, you stayed in a two-person tent. Now they had like a real nice house. Remember those nice tents? We slept on the lawn one night, but for the most part, we were in the campgrounds right in front of the lake. So we, like, bathed in the lake and brushed our teeth.

Stuff like that. It was hot and sweaty. It was brutal. Not really. It wasn't calm, cool, collected, and comfortable. Uh-uh. He brought his girl, too. And I remember we drove the-

It sounded like you're fucking ninth wheeling it on a fucking, on a couple's weekend. Me, Del and Dufrein were ninth wheel on it. And there was two couples. And we drove to Vermont, Burlington. And they all went to lunch. And me, Del, and Dufrein didn't have any money. So the couples just went to lunch. You guys are like stray dogs.

We stood up. Following people. people around we stood outside the restaurant starving starving they get us nothing like that back then nobody k you guys are just got a hot meal at that shriner's parents house but they were always very nice there was a lot of us that's the first time i ever had they're avoiding eye contacts to the window you guys are just standing out front of the restaurant they're just fucking oh god are they looking at us yeah brutal yeah i mean listen i've done that yeah is that Like what you're talking about?

I wouldn't invite you guys back on a group vacation. If that's, that was your one group vacation you went on. If I was in that group, you showed up. Mm-hmm. No money. Nah, no money. No, no broads. No chicks.

Nah, I wasn't seen anybody. And no pussy. No, what's a group? It wasn't a swingers thing. What I did, didn't matter. They had their girls. Uh-huh. And they're nice big tents.

Yeah, you're probably sitting. Getting there hating on. I know you. You're in a nice-ass restaurant. I'm out here in the cold. You're, you know, I'm on the fucking front lines out here. Must be nice. You got your hot bra with her big dits.

Your bowl of fucking clam chowder. I smell like the fucking, you know. Probably some of that going on. Like the creek bed? Probably some of that going on. You got a cuddle up with you're fucking two with Dufrein and fucking the other guy from the 20s. Shout out to Tommy D.

Yeah, I would go, hey guys, that was a lot of fun. I'd start a side group text He'd go hey, that was a lot of fun There's no text message back then dickhead That guy Foley is a bit of a prick Very judgmental But Well then those guys eventually

Like Tommy you know He got a girl and all that kind of stuff And I think they grew and progressed And all that stuff I just never good at that kind of stuff You probably do that shit right You're your buddies all go to Maine or something like that Usually an AC

There was an AC trip we were doing That's not Everyone goes to Penn State now For like a football game That's in the fall. I kind of get that. The tailgate, stay, and all that kind of stuff. Get the ice cream.

Exactly. Loser. I'll bring you next time. See, now you're in. I'm going to hang out with your jerk-off buddies? And what kind of tail's going to be there? I know. I do Freinfeld.

Tommy D? We roll your crew. Until you sue us. Yeah, the reason I'm so taken aback is. that stuff is so foreign to me and I'm jealous of it I'm envy of it I wish I had my shit together

to do that kind of stuff but I wasn't going to fucking wine country with like you know I mean there's a listen there's a difference between wine country and sleeping in someone's front yard with no money to go to a restaurant yeah I'm aware of that Kevin

I know so well I mean we did it we did the Poconos a couple years when we were in our early 20 that's you and your fucking drugged out buddies going up there and getting all fucked up drinking warm beer that's not like you were going antique and going out doing stuff.

I never fucking claimed it wasn't. I see your spots, Leopard. Don't act like you're better than me. What were you in DeFrain doing? Yeah, what the fuck? Getting fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, getting fucked up.

I don't know what side of this argument. I don't know. I feel attacked. I feel like I should attack you. You're acting like you were looking at art galleries and stuff like that. Dude, that's insane. You're a dirt bag. No idea.

I said I went to the Poconos with fucking six of my buddies. I'm saying that's the extent that I did it. And I was the one. who organized it and I bounced the check. Shout up to Nancy Brissili. What's what I'm talking about? That's my guy right there. I know.

I was moving some things around. That's my guy right there. But people do do that kind of stuff. That fascinates me. Yeah. But this, you know, obviously. Which I know sounds crazy to everybody. That sounds nuts.

Yeah. Yeah. I think, but that's what you do. I'm just trying to think you're like, I think it sounds crazy and your only attempt out of it was to go sleep in someone's front yard. That's what I'm trying to wrap my head around.

You're like, yeah, that seems so far into me. It's like, yeah, well, when you go on a vacation without a place to stay and no money, you might not do it again. You know what I mean? You might have a bad experience. You know what? Guys, I don't know what this is all cracked up to me. Vacation sucks. I was never able to plan it.

You know what I mean? Like, oh, we all got to put the deposit in now to go somewhere in two months. I have $400 now? Something two months away? Yeah, it's crazy to me. What? The bag's right there. That's crazy to me, yeah.

Right? People do that stuff. I know. Not. It was never me. was never me and to get like yeah it just wasn't

just never worked that never worked out that way but this is right so this is from Steve is it garbage to let one of your friends is it garbage if you let one of your friends go on a vacation even though he hasn't paid you back for last years that would be a folly and probably won't pay you back for this year

my buddy still owes me 90 bucks from last year and I told him it's 300 for this year he replies sheesh that's a lot of money that's a good friend yeah that's going to get old though i was going to say at some point that weird now this guy's in 300 he's in 90 from so he paid what's he doing going on vacation if you don't get the cash that's what i'm saying to you what the fuck you're talking about you on vacation couldn't go forward to go to and and i went the other way either this guy's going to not be in their lives in a few years or he's going to get his shit together yeah

i want the other way sure see you guys later but you got to you got to think it starts getting expensive for that guy he's in 300 for him 300 for him set for his boy 90 from his boy for last time that's 400 that's he's in for his fucking 690 it's crazy that's a lot of cash i wouldn't be able to do it i wouldn't be able to go on vacation and enjoy myself knowing that he paid for it yeah no i'm the same way i mean no i should say when i was very very broke i everybody paid my way shout out phil shout out pat shout out good everybody paid my fucking everyone paid my way good a vacation i went on Phil's Bachelor Party, I landed with like 80 bucks. And everybody, shout out the Big Gay Ann, Blackfield, everybody just, I was the charity case.

I certainly wouldn't be picking appetizers at the table. Oh, of one of these and one of those. Oh, no. Get your bowl of soup. Shut up. That shit sucked. That shit sucked. I was doing the math.

And I was like, all right, I can get out of here for, you know, out of the dinner for like a buck. I can get out of here for a buck. I know the story. You're fucking. Man, some guy going around the shots for the table. I said, what the fuck is even? I'm about to fake a heart attack. Fuck that.

Yeah. That shit sucked. Yeah. All right, this one's from Fridge Sigs. $10 home, he never had one read. Is it garbage if your dad's credit card gets jammed up for the hotel incidentals hold, and we get declined at the gates to the theme park, and your sister's high school boyfriend has to pay to get in.

Oh. Dad, you pay for everybody? I guess. Your cards fucking declined from the... Man, when you're walking that tightrope on a vacation, that hotel incidental can be devastating. Brutal. Devast, it could change your month.

Brutal. If it jams you up and there's overjiz and you always got to... I remember being with you checking into do shows, I think in a C or somewhere. We're going, we'll give you the cash. Like, I'll give you $200 cash to hold. I didn't have a credit card or a bank card at the time. We had one, but you had one, but the reservation was in my name and it was your car.

I mean, we were traveling like terrorists, dude. We were traveling like Al-Qaeda. It was fucking bad. A bunch of box cutters on us. Fucking strip clubs and flying lessons. That's how we do it, dog. Dude, we were fucking. Fucking six of us in an extended stay, two-bedroom.

Fucking. Doing key bumps at the fucking club. club flying Cessna's around. Oh, man. Yeah, no shit. No shit. Talk about it. It's crazy we didn't up on a watch list for moving like we were moving.

Prepaid gift cards and shit. I saw a guy do cash for the incidentals. I've tried. They never accepted it. This guy paid them. And debit, they take more. That's the fucking problem. Credit, let's just say credits 100.

Debit would be like $2.250. So if you go, I got the hundred, they go, cash, we need more cash. I'd go, I'll give you the actual cash. I mean, excuse me, because why do they don't take it? You got my credit card or whatever, when you're checking a hotel. Why do you got to take that out? You don't got to take that out. You have my payment information.

If the fucking M&Ms aren't there in the morning, charge. Yeah, but you could cancel it or it could be like stolen and they could cancel it. You know, listen. They want to keep that cash in their pocket so they can invest it in the market and then give it back to you. That's how they do it. It's how to Hilton's staying business. Sure. Trading yen and shit.

Well, I'm counting fucking sheep. They're fucking, they're playing with currency. I fuck all that shit up now anyway. What? Take the 50 bucks. I'm going to crush everything in there. We all do. Fucking almonds, beef jerky, M&M's gummy.

Yeah, get the fuck ass. That's all that's set up. That's how they get you. People will be fucking... I want them to get me. No, people are putting their fingers in there and shit. Nobody's putting their fingers in there. They got the snack bar downstairs.

That's where I get my snacks. Yeah, you're paying retail like a dickhead. You're paying more than retail. Yeah, they got the good fucking gummy bears. I'm not getting a hurry, but I'm getting a hurry, I'm getting the nice fucking, you know, the nice ones. You're a hoity tooty. You're making up a lost time.

Yeah, that's right. Real grump today. What? Bit of a diva. Who, him? Yeah, what the fuck? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Fucking guy.

Dude, high school boyfriend. Paying for the family. You know, next weekend when I come over, we are wearing the pants. We're going to stay in the same bed. Is that all right? Just in there. Hey, from now on, when I stay, there's the boyfriend going. From now on, when I stay over, you guys sleep in her room, we want the master suite.

I want your bed, dad. Take this brought the friggin, uh... I know where you're going. Uh, that's crazy, dude. You've lost all... You, as a dad, you cannot bounce back from that. A tight unit, maybe. It's a special situation.

I would, I would never feel... That's Disney World, too. Who the fuck is this kid with that kind of cage? To send a fucking family of four into Disney. I don't know if it was Disney. It's had the theme park. I want this. It's got Bush Gardens or it all over.

Yeah, he would have said Epcot or something. He would have faced a renat. Just a bit of a side bar. Mm-hmm. Were you big on that? Were you big on in high school having sex in your parents' bed? It might know. Luke?

No. Huh. Okay, bit of a freak moving on. There's always the move. Okay. Like if my parents were out of town and they stayed over, hey, stay in the there, do it in there. Is that weird?

Hey, man, you know. It's very like an 80s thing to me. They're a very 80s. You are a very 80s guy. You never have sex in your parents' bed? Never. Really? You want to?

Probably nice. Hey, listen. Jesus Christ. What guy? What is the slop hour are you throwing around here? Here's a goddamn family program. You better not ever done anything like that in your parents' home, by the way, you're fucking heathen. I think you have.

Sneak in there. I got your dad's jacket on. Nice Patagonia. You're reading the newspaper? Oh, yes. I don't know. Take you down to Filth Town. All right, let's see here.

This is from Hulk, $10, Long Island, homie. Is it garbage if you're for your grandparents? Anniversary, they took you on a cruise. There was 22 of us, and they only got four rooms. Long story short, we haven't spoken to half the family in 10 years since that trip. What the fuck, man? Those cruise rooms are small. We did Bert's cruise, and we had a big room.

Like, we had like a big... 22, four rooms. What's that come out to? Six, seven people a room. Yeah, and they're like, they're built to, like, house people, but really max at four. Yeah, no, they're tight. They're tight. There's not a lot of, like, activity.

They were below the water line for sure. Oh, I would scare the bejesus out there with the Italians, like on a Titanic. Wake up an octopus looking at you. Do a portal. Fucking singing around a barrel. Get out of here. No, that's, um... That's like being in the Navy.

Yeah, that fucking triple stack bunks and shit? No way, dude. Talk about hot bunking. See? That's also, too, with the friends going on vacation. That's how fucking friendships break up. Dude, shit like that. Also, you don't talk to nobody anymore.

Mm-hmm. So you're getting out ahead of it. Getting out ahead of it. That's what you'd do. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, that many people, you're asking for it. Listen, if the big trip, if the grandparents are paying for 22 people to go, and you get damn well to grandparents weren't fucking chair in a room.

So that's 22 people in three rooms. That's 20 people in three rooms. Do you think? I mean, it's their anniversary. Say no more. You should have. shouldn't be the trip it shouldn't be the trip you just go out to eat man 22 people on a cruise that's like 20 grand that's a lot of fucking cash a lot of cash go get a house and fucking you know

tampa for the week and just fucking go post up some seafood yeah something let the run you run a ramp up dude that's that's how that shit ends up bad and i've learned enough from like not talking to family members fighting traveling this and that and all this kind of shit it's like that's just Bad news. Bad news. Bad news. I know we go down. I go away with my family once a year now. My mom, my brother, his family, my sister, her family, me and my wife, and now my family.

Always ends up in a cat fight, too. I hear you bitching. Yeah, we just go like, I just go, yo, they go for a week or whatever, five days. I go, we're coming in for three days, two nights. I'm in, I'm out. You stay in there. You get hectic. I just one's drinking too much.

I'm drinking too much. I'm dipping away to catch a eater. They're getting mad. They're getting mad. Who wants dinner? They want meatballs. I want fucking pizza. It's a lot.

Too many people to make a decision. 22 people is too many people to make a decision. Familiarity breeds contempt. A wise man once said. Who? My dad's buddy Mac. He's a teacher. My dad's buddy lugnut.

Smart guy. Hell of a softball player, too. Yeah. All right. Let's see here. This one's from Malcolm. $5. son of a logger. I never have one read

a little bit of a story time. We were poor as hell in Northern Maine so we didn't vacation much. One year we were able to get my dad's boss to let us use his camp on a lake for a week. It was really remote and had zero amenities. The bathroom facilities were an outhouse.

This was not a retreat by any stretch. About three days in, my aunt drove all the way out to tell us that our electricity had been shut off due to lack of payment. So we had to bag the rest of the vacation to get home and try to save as much food in the freezer as we could. What?

We left our vacation of no amenities to go back to our home with no amenities. See you, Bozos in Burlington in October. That sucks. Because at least when you're on vacation, you're like, I just want to get home and be in my bed. The aunt could have shut the fuck up and let you enjoy the vacation. The food's going bad. All right.

You need to, listen, if you're making that trip back, you, I'm not here to throw shade at the economic situation. They need that grub. That could be the food for the winter. Why didn't she take it over to her place? Put in her fucking freezer. Let them enjoy their vacation. Sounds like they were all living together if you're catching my.

How the fuck would the, how the fuck would the, the, the, the aunt no, the electricity got shut off. She ain't in the fucking house with her curling iron. You know what I mean? Sure, birds all melted. Dude, electricity getting shut off is jammed the fuck up. That was real close a month ago. Yeah, but in New York, they don't.

I mean, like, I've gone. You can go like 10 months. without it. They do they gotta come. They gotta do like a wellness check. They can't shut that. People die. You can't fucking freeze you out. Just dump some flies on me. That sucks. That sucks. I was like, dude, driving, dude, driving home to a house with no pet.

You know they got home at night too. Oh, for sure. Worryed about a fucking monster under the bed. The fuck that, dude. Fuck that. Getting home from vacation at nighttime. Ooh-wee. Driving home from the shore. Hot as shit.

in that fucking Ford Taurus, no AC, me and Danny fighting, all to pull up in the fucking driveway. A little sunburn. It's black. Just fucking no food in the crib. It's fucking sucked. Whatever we brought back from the shore, half a bag of goldfish, that didn't make it past Farley's.

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Acorn Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash garbage. We love acorns. That was always sick too, though, driving down. if you were in like an SUV, if you had access to the trunk tearing through the food that Denise was bringing down. I remember one time, in that taurus,

we used to pop down the seat. That was the big feature of that taurus. You could pop down the seat. Talk about amenities. And Danny would pop it down, and I was small enough to crawl back in there and start rooting through. Looking for the goldfish.

Well, raccoon, dude, God, come out. We'd be making cheese sandwiches. I'd get the lunch meat and Yama Rosa rolls. We'd be making sandwiches like fucking 15 minutes from the house. And they're doing it the hockey way. Cooking it up. That's brutal, man. Can't wait to fucking see you in Vermont.

Yeah, shout out to Vermont. Give you a fucking big hug. The back on the block tour, baby. Tickets on sale now. Coming up. It's about a month away that starts. I can't wait. I got to get the fuck out of here. Oh, we're going to be in fucking L.A. Yeah. S.F.

I need it. We got a night in SF too. Cannot wait to see you folks. Yeah. I got to get out of here. Close it in on me. Oh, goddamn coast. Going up to the coast.

I just said that. Go out to the coast for a couple of weeks and relax. A couple of weeks. Can't go a couple of a goddamn kid now. I thought we were about there for a couple weeks. No. A week. Yeah.

I thought we were going to be in L.A. for like a week. No. A couple days? A couple days. Can I get one of them sandwiches? Listen. What sandwiches? Which one?

Dialogue. Oh, yeah. That's on auto delivery every morning. I like to sleep in. We're staying at a little, we're staying at our entourage house too. I'm so excited. Sick. This place is like, is like, I'm such a dirt bag when I saw it.

I'm like, I got to be there. He's got a pool house. It's a pool house. I don't know how to answer that. In the back. It's a house under the water in the pool. What do you mean? a pool house.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get to go to the Poconos every year. I don't know what a pool house is. Yeah, you do. I'm just a simple man who stands outside of restaurants and watches my friend to eat. I wasn't thinking pool house. I thought I'd been a pool inside. What?

I don't know. You hear a pool house and you think indoor pool? Yeah, dude. Who speaks like that? What are you? English as a second language? Ah, pool house must mean house in a pool. What is your native language, by the way?

Because I got to be honest with you. your verbal ain't great what do you guys speak on your native planet cheeseburger cheese burger cheeseburger um all right let's see here this one's from scooter Mugherbe's uh that's a good name

first time ask her long time garbage $10 homie I brought my girlfriend on a family vacation to Las Vegas while we were in high school while there she broke up with me to stay in Vegas and make it big as a stripper what? She wasn't

stripper hot dick and she had to move back home less than a year later extra garbage i was 16 and she was 23 i can't even wrap my fucking head around that good for you i can now we're talking about my kind of vacation you've never done that you want to do it now you're talking about your fantasies date a stripper now we're talking about my like we've entered your realm of shit you've never done you like the poolhouse comment did you i did you Not. Okay. A lot to unpack here.

First of all, you're 16, she's 23. Your parents shouldn't be allowing. Listen, as cool as that sounds. I don't listen to Kippy. They shouldn't be bringing her on vacation. Why not? That's a dream vacation until she fucking ran off. And she didn't just fucking run off.

Dude, what parent of a 16-year-old is going? First of all, that parent's about 34. I don't know. What kind of parent was their obese son crawling to the trunk and make sandwiches? I don't know why you got to that. out for me today. You're going to be an accessory to a felony if you're like, that's probably in the 90s.

That's what they got ditty for. That's state line. Probably in the 90s. Nah, that's trafficking. No. What do you mean? No. Just because you say no, does it make it not true?

Stop saying that. You do that all the time. No. Okay. I guarantee it was in the 90s or something like that. I'm not saying it wasn't. He's still illegal. Dating a hot 23-year-old.

Stop cock blocking him. Eat your gold. I'm not cock-blocking them I'm saying that's fuck that Well you're saying it's irresponsible to parents Not even irresponsible Borderline creepy That's insane

Fuck illegal That's just like Oh hey grown woman Who has a job Stripping Stripping bit of a dancer I listen I get her Let's remove her

She's 23 She ends up in Vegas for the weekend On someone else's dime Or is that broad pain? I don't know You can't take, you can't make your high school girlfriends pay to go to, this is a, they were, that was all. High school boyfriend.

That's all strip shit for sure. Hmm. A lot to unpack here. Listen, shout out to you for being able to close, listen, when he says she wasn't stripper hot, I'm leaning that she probably was stripper hot or close to stripper hot. That's just hurt feelings, which I respect. Isn't he this guy still harboring resentment that much later? Sure.

He's not 17. I would. Sure. That's hot. Yeah, I mean, I get all that. I guess I'm looking at it a little differently. Fuck, that you definitely would have a creepy 50-year-old going, that's hot. Oh, man.

Dude's having sex with a stripper. That's hot. That's hot stuff, dude. Cool, bro. I'm giving the guy props. Totally blew it. Fucking loser. Can't keep a broad.

Can't keep a broad like that. Nah, you weren't going to get a wild horse. You weren't going to about to tame that. lessons learn on her own parents big I mean that's a fucking that's a wild lemies I don't want to judge that's a wild decision crazy decision

I'll give you 19 because maybe they were in high school to say where do you meet this brood probably a closer 16 banging a 23 year old stripper I get that's all right I get that but where are they interacting enough to that you can close

at what point is I mean maybe at work if he's working if he's a bus boy and she's like a waitress but then who's going who the that's crazy to me I need a follow up to this I mean listen if you knock boots at work my DMs

send a pick I see what's going on of both of you sure you never had that friend and like I not loose affiliates that were those guys in like eighth grade that were dating like 17 year olds that's significantly different

that's what I'm trying to say and you're not You're not even hearing my point because you got a fucking half a hard on over this 23-year-old stripper. I do not. Listen, I'm saying I get that. If they're, listen, he's in ninth grade, she's whatever, then goes on and graduates, and it's still like, it's a fourth. There's at least like they were in the same world. There is, except that as a restaurant. What was he, 15 or 16?

16. 23. There's no way those people meet ever in a normal situation. Maybe if she was a bartender and he worked at the, he was a bus boy. But then it's like you just knock boot, like you start dating a 16. People fall in love, man. Sure. That's a heartbreaker.

She left. Didn't come back with us? She ain't got another gear. What? She's just going to buy everything? She said back for... She probably used him as a ticket out to Vegas. I ain't going home with you, Dale.

Sure. That's not bad. I get that maybe. Damn. She came crawling back a year later. Didn't say to him She just went back to the town But you got retired at some point

Maybe she went out on top This guy don't fucking know True Maybe she made a bag, came home Hit me up Sure I want to hear the rest of this This is

Alright this is from Ham Lincoln First time Long time During my 6th grade summer 2004 to 2005 We went to visit my mom's boyfriend's parents In Florida for the first time

That's not a good start to the story. Visit my mom's boyfriend's parents for the first time. They had to suck. That's like, I've done that. I've done it with my stepmoms at the time was my dad's girlfriend's parents

and then my stepdad who was my mom's boyfriend's parents. And when, as that kid, getting integrated into that family, it's a, they're not, you know it's weird, they're trying to, it's very unnoticed. God love you. It's very unnatural.

Was she the same age as your dad? No, she was younger. Like, not 20, like 10 years? Yeah, nothing like crazy. Were her parents old? Were they old people? Yeah. They were like grandparents.

Was it the house that she grew up in? Or was it like their Florida house or something? Like their condo, like their retirement house? No, it wasn't the house they grew up in, no. That she grew up in? No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's even worse because those places are cold. Yeah, it was like, it was a house where like old people lived.

Man, I know that guest bedroom With that bed That sucks We never stayed there Oh, thank I thought you went down there and stayed No, they were local No, yeah, no, they were local Oh, they were

Oh, I thought you said Florida You went down to Florida They he went down to Florida Oh I'm saying I've had to do that to go into that setting Not necessarily in Florida Stay in there's a whole different thing That sucks

I get you I'm just saying to go into that situation Is like It just sucks anywhere you're on the outside they're like trying too hot hey because they're like we got to make you feel welcome you know my grandfather yeah you're just like buddy

and they're like showing hey I got your nose and you're like dude where are the heaters at let me fucking duck out of here you guys got coke or Pepsi yeah he got any 23 year old strippers laying around I'm fucking bored um all right so uh we went to Florida for the first time

he made it sound like they were close to the beach but in reality they were in Krumakuchi. Find out where Krumakuchi is. C-R-O-O-M-A-Koochee, which might as well been the butt crack of Florida when we pulled into their trailer park. Oh, there were three kids riding a pig down the street, which the street was completely sand.

God damn, dude. This sucks. The first thing his father told us was, don't go past that tree line in the back. There's a lake back there with some big-ass gators in it. Man, that's like taking you to hell, dude. I stayed inside the entire time trying to find something to watch on the TV, which involved using a knob that would change the direction of the antenna on the roof to get different channels.

That old broad could make one hell of a milkshake, though. Shout out to that. I mean, dude. I was not expecting these to be this band. They're fucking awesome. That's like, that's, the parents don't understand that kind of, I don't want to say on trauma. Trauma's corny, but like, the impact that trip has.

Of divorce. Of, yes, of just like, this kid's got to go stay in a trailer with some fucking kids from the wrong side of the fucking track. Riding a pig. You got to go make this work. And the kid's like, that kid don't have a choice. He's, he's at sucks. That's tough. That's tough.

A milkshake, though. He's making the best of it. You're basically in the middle of Florida. You're an hour from the beach. Yeah. I mean, in Florida, that much is over in six years, yeah. That's the, see, okay, so it's his mom. That's the boyfriend.

Like, yeah, buddy, it's right by the beach. You're going to love it. Fucking riding a pig. Getting bit by a gator. Yeah, because he's telling you. He's telling you the story of the fucking rose-colored glasses on trying to make, yeah, you're going to have fun. There's a pig, you know, whatever.

Trying to close on his mom. Yeah, man, I fucking, I do have that. They told him we were going down the shore and they took us to that fucking, that trailer park off Route 9, Whippoor Whippoor. Motherfucker Just chose? Yeah, talk about getting ban the fuck boozele

We're going down to my dad's place Great Because no one ever said We were going down the shore Then we ended up offshore To fucking trailer That's sand For fucking those prickers in it

No way Like some inlet Yeah, you gotta wear shoes in sand That boggled my mind Wait, was it the beach? No, it was like the pine barons But that's all sand back there Like there's no water?

No. You're in a trailer park off Route 9, like out by the Acme. You're, like, buy a shopping center. Be a bad sand is tough. Yeah, and it had those, like, we called them, like, the little balls with the thorns. I know what you're talking about. Stick to your jeans. Yeah.

And it was, like, pine needle. It was all, like, you couldn't walk in the sand. You had to wear a shoe. I remember, like, lugging through the sand being like, this fucking suck. Mom was a lie. I was on crutches, too. Lion-ass bitch. Fucking get me down.

Take me to sand with no goddamn motion? Man. And I remember my mom being like, this was less than ideal. She said that. I remember just the vibes of me. It was a camper. It wasn't a trailer. Like trailers have rooms.

This was a camper with no bedroom. I slept on like the kitchen table that folded into the, that like pushed down into the. And it was an old camp. It was from like the 60s. And this is probably, I can tell you exactly what you. year was this was like 93 94 you go back and tell your boys where you were yeah that's pretty cool yeah I'm lying there's chicks there you know what I mean I'm going down to shore everybody can suck my dick I'm going down the shore you know what your feet look like Jesus's forehead yeah

fucking crown of thorns fucked up man got me twisted bad vacations as a kid they were so was so weird you know you know you Yeah. Shit like that. But dude, the going to meet the divorced family, that's like a such a fucking... I can't imagine. No one's natural. It's such an unnatural thing.

Why involve the kids in that? You got to acclimated. Did you ever see her parents again? Oh, yeah. They would come over. I mean, every time, you know, they're great and they were nice and super nice and super, but it's just like... They ever break you off anything?

Yeah, a little bit. You know, five bucks here. She'd do anything in the kitchen? Do you remember? No, no, no, no, no, no. No. What was the, like, the ice cream bar situation in their fridge when we went over? Oh, I have, no, no.

Nothing. I was blocking it out. You got to, okay, that you block it out. It was also like, oh, we're going. I'm making this up. I don't really remember all the instances of going, but it was like, oh, we're stopping for Christmas, or even they're coming over, but it's another set of grandparents that you met when you were 10.

You're like, I don't fucking know these people. They're nice people, good guy. I'll fucking, you know, I'll sit down and have a hot dog with him at 4th of July. but like I gotta exchange presents and stuff fucking shake your hand and shit like that thank you

this sucks oh man it's a new set of grandparents that you gotta be like yeah and they're trying everyone's nice they're trying it's just so they don't like you

it's like you know square pegging around yeah and I'm just this fat guy like eating all the candy and stuff and tough You see it all my tums He drank all the pepto He drank all the pepto

Those are my calcium Chews Sherby That's a tough one God love you Yeah Those kids probably weren't nice either The ones riding the pigs

They tend not to wear One of them had overalls on for a sure That's what, yeah, that's just like, I think you leave the kid out of that. Like the kid out of that? You know, I don't know. I'll let you know how it works out for me when we split up. I'm a single father. All right, let's see here.

This is from Cosmic King. $10, Cold's Cash Investor, never had one read. My parents thought it would be a good idea to bring me and my four brothers in the car for a drive from New York to Florida. to see our grandma by the time we got dc my dad bought plane tickets for each of us as far away as another one as humanly possible on the plane i get that i get that in theory that makes sense and it's fun and you're gonna but it's like that's the most sensible thing i heard all day yeah shout out to him guys we're not doing your losses we're not fucking doing this what do you do

with the car drive it into the fucking harbor who cares or the dad'll fucking get a pack of heaters drive down on his own D.C. You didn't make it to D.C. D.C. to New York, six hours. Five, six that you hit traffic. D.C. to Florida. Yeah, that's the cut your losses. And then that's on the way there.

Not even back. Shout out to him. That's fucking brutal, dude. Nah, fuck this. Let's go. Man. Telling you. Vacations. Bad news.

We did say that. We said that previously, now that we think about it more, it's like, especially for a dirtbag, family obviously cash typically isn't you know super plentiful it's not that you're rich and you're you know stress the dysfunction distress the dad going is what does fucking cost me i i fucking shell out six grand they get everybody they're arguing in the fucking backseat i'm working overtime to fucking swing this i'm taking off she's bitching at him you can't get right you can't fucking you just can't do it it ain't going to work baby it ain't going to it's if i was my dad there's

like a hundred times i can think back that i would have been like fuck this i'm out of here just go live on a base somewhere or something no note no just gone yeah crazy good days you could do that can't do that no more yeah to get you fucking geotracker fucking 80s you could disappear starting on their family 90s you could arguably sure not no more don't springer got you oh man Jerry? Like a Maripovich. Fuck your day up. All right, we got to wrap it up.

Gang, we love you to death. Hope we have a great vacation if you're going out this time of year. Don't let, well, don't let these stories, you know, deter you from having a good time with the family out there. Of course. Build your own traumas. Build your own memories. We love you. We'll see you next week.

Peace.