Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Fat Guy Moves w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Are You Garbage Cruise Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/AYGCruise Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hold on a second there, Kipy. We got a big show in Red Bank, New Jersey, August 17th at the Count Basie Theater. One of the biggest shows we've ever done. So grab the squad and come see the boys. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there, welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

Take two. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yay. Or just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She has a business opportunity for us. Okay. Said she'll give us each a quarter if we rub her bunions. Okay. Don't sign me up. Do that for free. My co-host is coming at you from across the table.

It's what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the Bozos and the Omis. He is the CEO of RU Gar garbage. He is an international businessman and he is Mr. Neptune 2024 down there on a wildwood boardwalk give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. What up gang? Thanks for tuning in. Happy summer everybody. As you know, please make sure you review subscribe on iTunes. Please. Full video available on YouTube. As you know those numbers are true to rough goes without saying

Then obviously the greatest website of all time Www.patreon.com slash are you garbage you go over there you get all your content you go Go check the numbers over there that thing ain't fucking playing. It's a good time also Are you garbage calm for all of your live show needs baby?. Got a big one coming up in Red Bank, New Jersey. Yeah. Cal Fancy Theater. Forget about that. Baby August 17th, I believe.

And the Route 66 tour kicks off in Chicago, Illinois, September 12th. And we're going all the way to LA straight through baby. Chicago, Tulalala. I'm going to see that meteor crater. I'll tell you that right now. Take a dump in it. Sure. You still pay for slices down at Sam's Pizza and the boardwalk or they give it to you for free Yeah, I gotta pay you got a picture up in there. No, I got nothing really nothing bozo

How about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire? The magic man makes us all look good works the ones the twos the threes and the fours He crosses the T's and he dots the I's give it up T-Bone McScruffins, Toby McMullen. What up, boys? He got nervous. I was clocking you. I wasn't nervous. I saw you sit up straight.

I was fixing my hair. Okay. Like a nice lady. Yeah, it was her. Let's just put the feelers out there. Let's get our pictures up somewhere. Listen, you mentioned that I do have mine up in Ed's Funcade.

Judy and Punch in Astoria, we got a poster up. We do have one up. Shout out to Judy and Punch in Astoria. We got a poster. We do have one up. Shout out to Judy and Punch. Now, our buddy, uh, Nikki sent it to me. Gotcha. Yeah. I do have one, uh, a picture up in Ed's Funcade. Uh, but it's not for high, it's not

for high scores for using bunk quarters. I was using slugs. He ate six spider rings. And if you're, I called a paramedic. if you're a long route 66 or you have suggestions fire them away team yeah we love to if you love if you live if you love you live love lab gang uh chicago tulsa oklahoma flagstaff uh what else am i missing there's a handful of them or whatever if you live along route 66 albuquerque albu- tulsa tulsa hit us up with los angeles las vegas some ideas of what to do along the way, because we got a

goddamn tour bus and we're shooting this frickin thing. We're looking to try drugs of the area, of the area. And Chile and such. Sure. Arizona, I'm looking for you for some meth, okay? I wouldn't mind a little peyote out in the Mojave Desert. You're doing peyote in Chicago. What? I got ahead of me.

I'm freaking out, man. Can we get you to take some boomers? No. Some shrooms? No. I get my own life, dog. Cup of decaf, maybe? And 30 Bud Lights. Yeah, no, not doing any of that. But yeah, guys, come to a live show.

It's going to be a good tour. We're off the road until then. Yeah, it's going uh, not doing anything. But yeah guys come to a live show. It's gonna be a good tour off the road until then. Yeah, it's gonna be fun man. One of the, we were talking about Rita's water ice last week or two weeks ago at some point. And uh... They hit you up? No, some guy who knows the daughter of the owner hit me up. That's about as long as my reach goes.

I like it. What'd he say? He just said... Can we get a flavor? No, they sold it years ago. They sold it. Who bought it? I don't know. Somebody big. Yeah, but either way, I'm paying for everything. I don't get any hookups anywhere. You know what I ate a box of this weekend?

The shoes? What? Those outshine pops. I don't know. Those don't stand a chance. That might as well be that's health snacks to me The box is a serving size. There's four of them in there. You let him sit for about ten minutes. Those things are great Yeah, love them. I it's been told anybody over there I don't know anybody anywhere if you need some if you need some electrical work done I can call the guys that'll do side work. That's a shoddy. That's about all I know

I got a couple guys who stand up on the sheep free they just need a microphone and a hot meal come to the apartment and do a show now boo where you from you're in my apartment speaking of I did the one place that I could get a picture up this actually just happened yesterday as you see I got my military cut going. You have a picture of your mom's house. What are you talking about? Dude, do you wanna know something funny about that? The picture up in my dad's house,

probably still to this day, but when I last was there. You think you're still up in there? I don't know. Probably, probably. And you know what, it was- That's down. That's facing the wall when he eats.

It's from third grade I was I don't know 25 going over to see my dad and the only pick the most recent picture was from third grade and Had a Notre Dame t-shirt on and a bad ball bad bowl cut Yeah, I was still up on the mantle Jesus everybody else had like graduation pictures Fucking caps me there the good-looking ones I was probably the last picture where I was cute and he's like nah nah nah, but not putting these up my parents It's so embarrassing they have like a whole little shrine to my brother his high school diploma college diploma mine It's high school diploma, and then a public urination

And then a certificate from an improv class You're an agent. I'm gonna certificate from an improv class From I own Chicago and another one from second city Here's a scenario for you you stay give me an occupation unemployed yikes Wow, that's a tough look. I'm sure I've asked you this it ain't great. You played little league and shit like that, right? Oh, yeah, okay. My dad was the coach Road the bench most of the season do what pictures do you have up in Patty? Do you have any? Professional do you have any headshots up in patties? No, I have the in her room. She has some tasteful news Old westerns?

No, she has that, uh, the cartoon... I'm drawing a blank... Gotcha, okay, from a few years ago. Yeah. But no, what's the actual last photo that's floating around on display? There's a dual picture of me and my brother as little... Strangling each other?

As little kids. But nothing of you as an adult? No, I don't think so. There's no headshots of me floating around anywhere. My school picture. You got a signed headshot on the wall. I'm eating a slice. I'm eating one of her cutlets.

Thanks for the pepperonis. This might have been a Southern thing, but did any of your family have the all-black silhouette, like the old-timey, almost Victorian, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, no, we didn't have that. Yeah, no, we had that. My uncle who's in the Confederate, that's the fuck that had that shit.

The one that looks like an old Russian woman or a young hot lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that died at Antietam? No. Those things scared the shit out of me. Ever have any 3D art floating around? Or like the double vision thing? No, I didn't live in a dentist office.

What are you talking about? We had one, it wasn't hung up. There was one floating around, there was one floating around in a frame. I think it was supposed to, I never saw it, it was like a ship or something. You had a framed magic eye? Some would say, yeah, I guess it wasn't hung.

You know what I mean? We also had a, it's still in the garage after my stepdad passed a Bootleg big math Billy Bass it was like a it was not it was a knockoff one frog Yeah, dude. It was it was like on a two by four. It was it was a surreal fish. Oh That's Mikey minnow Yeah, it was bad. You know what I found in my wallet, which I feel pretty classy about it I didn't realize I had it no I ever carried condoms in my wallet. I'm not a dirty sailor Use condoms what am I a sailor going around port to port?

Maybe I saw a clip the other day speaking of Mike Myers of a sketch that they were doing on SNL and it was Farley Adam Sandler Mike Myers Norm McDonald David Spade were all in the funger. So buddy. It's dude. I was like holy shit. Yeah, that's crazy Talk about a stack deck like holy shit. Yeah, that's crazy. Talk about a stack deck. Fucking boys. I might. Wait, I wanted to tell you, I found a $50 euro in my in my wallet.

OK, so that go for it. I think that's pretty classy. Uh huh. To keep euros on you. I never except you didn't know it was there for like three months. Even better. Undercover. I never told you that. Did I pull it out sometime did I pull it out sometime I had to pay. I had to pay rent one time. This is a this is a real dirt bag. No money moment. You guys think Krugerrands? You went to the exchange.

My wife had come over and she had a couple hundred bucks of your something I had euros for some reason and I needed green back. He couple of them a couple of them shrewp waffles. I needed. I need a couple of US Treasury issued bills to pay my rent. I'm with you. And I went to a TD Bank with like, not that maybe 140 bucks in euros, but I needed the one. Will they do that? Yeah, but not like I thought you could just walk in

and go switch this over. Sure. And he's like, yeah, it's like a $49 handling fee. And we need like two to four days to make sure it's not counterfeit. I was like, also like guy coming in with like not a round number. You know what I mean?

I had like 164 euros I'm trying to convert. He's like, dude, that's going to come out to like 38 bucks. Just doing a bad German accent going Goot and Morgan You wanted to see a guy that put the system on trial. Let me take you back Six seven years Hank Foley getting a check no bank account Had the cash to check at the bank that the check was issued well back in the day They treated like a goddamn gentleman. They would just do it. Especially if they knew your face

Now they hit you with a fucking ten dollar twenty dollar fee really cuz you don't got an account I never had that I used to freak the fuck out. I just don't get it I'm taking my business. I was here last week and you didn't do it. That's when I just started going to the check cashing place. I knew they were. Listen, I always fuck a bank. When you're jammed up, it's you know, we've said it a bunch. It's my money and I need it now.

I'm going to if I need if I have this is the way I look at it. If I have zero dollars, right, and I have a check for 250. I'm not waiting two to three days. I need money. What to deposit it? Yeah, I never had a bank account. So I go I'll give you $7 or whatever was $10 $240 to me might as well be a million sure where I'm currently sitting. Sure. Take the 10 I'll wait you can wet your beak. You're doing me a favor, please. But I need the

240. Small bills. I got heaters to get sure and fucking hot bars to eat baby. Yeah, I'm with you Yeah, you know what else have a that annoyed me. I saw yesterday in a film I don't like the way people eat bacon in movies I've never please they take it and eat like that nobody's bacon like that Yeah, look any movie. Any movie? Any movie. Everybody, they're sitting there having a conversation and they take the bacon and they break it in half and they're talking. Nobody eats bacon like that. You don't eat bacon like that. I've seen you eat bacon like a

wood chipper. Put the feed bag on. Whole piece. Yeah, you do the whole piece. Yeah, yeah. Eat it like a... Maybe maybe a half I usually do full piece no I bite it and then probably put it down but you get one bite out of it you're doing half and half you don't rip it apart and take a no it's a it's a two I'm telling you watch any movie that's the way they I'm gonna have my eyes peeled bullshit yeah you know what you. Jesus Christ, this guy's getting mad at people eating in movies. That's how fat you are. And how angry.

Yeah. I don't like it. I like realism. Okay, can we get real? I hate when you can tell an actor doesn't smoke a heater too. Oh man. Give me a break. As a heater aficionado.

I want to see you inhale. They're holding it with their thumb and their pointer. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're just like like oh, they're doing this They're thinking about it a real smoker doesn't think it's so second nature. You know what I mean to them It's like it falls in their arm. It's weird Tarantino always did that the best when those guys were ripping heaters and reservoir dogs They were ripping that reminded me of they had to be really that reminded me like TV in the 70s where like they were just Had to be really that reminded me like TV in the 70s where like they were just just smoking. Yeah

Just fucking having a that was that was just a guy who smokes He was actually a doctor on TV what Colombo smoked this little cigars, yeah, yeah, I think he really smoked those too Oh, yeah, that probably wasn't that was probably just you know, and one thing and I got a smoke my smoked those too. Oh, yeah, that probably wasn't. And that was probably just, you know. And one thing, I got to smoke my cigars. Anyway, that's neither here nor there, gang. We are here for a family episode. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, which

I highly recommend, you get a question right on the air by Kevin Ryan. Whoa! Who doesn't have his picture up in any pizzerias around the country. I might have one up at a Dominican barber shop pretty soon is what I wanted to say. What?

Not to get? Give me the white guy. Hey, give me the cop. Just examples of why they fired Gary. Give me the cop! That's alright. So, he went high and tight. The officer.

I'm also a 2-3 day. I wasn't... You gotta settle in. I've always needed to settle in. I've always said that, but I've been jammed up and I had to get a cut and I didn't want to do this. I don't want to be here. I need a two to three day buffer zone. You got to give me that. I'm like that with the with the beard. Sure. It takes like I remember you saying this to me one time. Oh, the beard looks good. It might have been

right when I filmed the spash. Oh, I was lying to you. No, I don't think you were. Well, I was lying to you. No, I don't think you were Did you really of course that because I I I don't know what it is man It's like I do it. It just doesn't cut right but then after like two days it settles in like it gets a little thicker Not now, it's all it's all Yeah, but yeah, you're you're you got a yeah like an old stew But that looks good it's getting there it'll get tomorrow do tomorrow Now you boil that down. Yeah

Let that reduce a little bit You know what I wanted to tell you stocking that scrapes sides little boo-boo young cube What I wanted to tell you gravy going, baby. I for some reason the my crew forming cream, which is what uncle Hank uses on his hair All right, a lot of people asked me about that. Sure. Nobody. Nobody's ever asked why my cousin asked me But it doesn't work anymore for some reason. I don't know what it is. My hair's changed. They changed the formula. I don't know what it is back on the Ozempis, something that thickens up the hair, castor oil.

The bird picked it up for me. And I used that, and it works as both. Okay. A little greasy. Great. But works good. But you should maybe use a little castor oil in there. Is that for cars? I think it was for, like, upset stomachs in 800 sounds that dust bowl that's like 1950 stuff of like of like get some castor oil in you I yeah it does not even a cook see what castor oil does I

thought it was to make you throw up or something that's it the cat I've had that before I told you that sure I drank the bottle of cough syrup but I was I was in a I go to a relative mostly Dominican barber shop. Let's call it 90 10. Right. Ninety five, ninety ten, ninety five. Five. You got the white dudes that live up there. Yeah, that's about that's about it. Oh, they're all Dominican. Oh, no, they're all they don't.

My guy doesn't speak English. Nice. Not my guy. The guy they give me doesn't. Sure. Castor oil can help relieve constipation and may be used as a natural skin moisturizer and denture treatment Though many people use castor oil as a treatment for dry or thinning hair There's no evidence that castor oil is effective for improving hair health or in stimulating hair growth when used on its own That's fucking big hair replacement doing right in that That's that Listen I've done my research.

It makes my hair look nice. It ain't working. You need a DTH. That fucking volumizing shampoo dries my hair out, man. Remember a couple weeks ago, I was looking like an idiot. Yeah, that's why you look like an idiot. You weren't wearing a bathing suit at dinner. I'm not wearing a bathing suit. These are polo shorts. Yeah, we know. You've said that

if it's the only pair of shorts you have I can't find my salmon ones And I knew if I wore couldn't find my flounder pants They're made out of I knew if I wore my basketball shorts you'd give me a bunch of shit Don't make me be the bad guy. Just ask that you can't tell on camera whether these are good shorts or bad shorts. I Okay on camera whether these are good shorts or bad shorts. I don't like my basketball shorts. I'm publicly trying to paint me as a bad guy. You come in, you wear the same dirty pants for a year straight. Cut me some slack.

You're making me sound like I'm like the Gestapo regime over here. This guy beats his dog. I just want you to shower and put clothes on. What the fuck? Go with the goddamn work environment we got here. Sure. Man, do I love Helix mattresses. Amen, sister. Love me some Helix.

Sleep on one every night. I got the king. The elite king. Big guy. Oh man. Sleeping a baby. It's crazy. We're on the road so much. When I get back into that Helix in my apartment with the AC pumping, I literally moan. I get, oh, it feels so good. Sure.

Best mattress in the business And you know why cuz you're not walking around some mattress door with some guy with bad breath and a short sleep button down You're going online. You're taking a quiz there want to know how you sleep do you sleep heavy? Do you sleep like do you sleep on your side on your back with your feet up? I don't know what you're doing, but they got a mattress for you You take the quiz takes two minutes about a boom by the bank Yeah, as a lot of you know I got a bad back and all the travel But I get back in that helix mattress like you're carrying me around the country. Oh, man

It's all right after two three nights and that I'm back and we get it you do a lot for the show All right, man talk about a guilty conscience Here's the turkey helix is offering them to 30% Oh my god 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Good pillows too. Go to helixsleep.com slash garbage at helixsleep. That's helixsleep.com slash garbage. This is their best offer yet and won't last long. Get on it with

Helix. Better Sleep starts now. Do it. Gang, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yes. Let's talk serious for a minute. I'm crazy He's crazy. We're all crazy And even if you're not crazy sometimes just important to talk things out with better help you know on you can get a licensed therapist Online from the privacy of your own home. You don't got to be in crisis You could just be dealing with something you got to talk it out. I did it. I use better help I know and they helped me. Yeah

still use a couple more sessions, big guy. But whether I mean, everybody we know is addicted to social media, you compare in your life to other people. You're seeing the best highlights of their life. You're comparing yourself. If that's what we're all in that rat race, you can bounce that off. Comparison is the thief of joy and easy to envy other people's life. Therapy can help you focus on what you want instead of of what others have so you can start living your best life, baby Get out there and do it. I've always been a big proponent of talk therapy whether we said it's like for a part of your life Ongoing forever or whatever it is. If you're looking if you're at a tough point in your life talk therapy is fantastic

Stop comparing and start focusing with better help. Visit better help.com slash garbage a day to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H e l p.com slash garbage, better help.com slash garbage. Do it. But I got, uh, I was at this Dominican barber shop yesterday and, uh, you know, I was, this guy was, I was leaving and he was like, are you Kevin Ryan? And I was like, who said this?

A guy waiting. Okay. And I was like, yeah, he goes, I watch your show. I was like, oh, thanks. And the other guy, another barber was like, yeah, we were trying to, we were Googling your picture or something like that, looking me up. And I had an all, it made me so awkward

because like everybody now, the one guy knew who I was. The guy that asked you? Yeah, that had seen, because everybody now, the one guy knew who I was. The guy that asked you? Yeah, that is seen. Nobody else did, but now they're all looking at me, and they're all like, who, what? Not all of them speak English. And dude, I was so.

You killed my brother. Dude, they were all looking at me like, this guy, they've clearly made him to be a cop, you know, or like whatever it was. Dude, and I didn't know what to do. I was like, oh, thanks a lot, man, appreciate the support. You know, whatever, whatever. And I left,. I didn't know what to do. I was like, oh thanks a lot man, appreciate the support. And I left and I didn't know what to do so I left. Dude I did this.

You did a double wave? No dude. I was like alright see you guys. What was that? Hey thanks for watching everybody. Take care. You guys have been great. I'll see you in 3-4 weeks. Like a small town mayor at a parade. I didn't know what to do. I went nervous. It was, I went from the coolest,

God, the coolest I've ever been, to the biggest door. You're just doing finger guns at yourself? Okay. And remember, you guys are the real heroes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You owe me for that cut! The only worst way you're gonna hit him with is like the princess royal way. Yeah, there might have been a pew this thing. It was... I got out... Like Nixon?

Yikes. I am not bald. I'm not doing this. Castor oil does not work. I did not have sexual relations with a woman. Am I Clinton? No good? I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Put that back in whatever dusty trunk you pulled that person out of. No good. Hey, SNL auditions. If it will call me, I know I was so flustered when I got out. I had to buy a pack of cigs and smoke it. I was I was genuinely what the fuck was that?

And you really screwed. I can't go back. I got to go back to this. Never going to get my picture up there now. Yeah, I got to go back to sports. Wait, so that's you thinking that you're that was the closest I could have came. That ain't close, dog. That ain't... That's how far away I am from making any wall anywhere. Man. I mean, the only way... Yeah, no. Put a picture of John Hayter up. No, that's funny. It's Malaney or something. Now that's comedy. Not that shit you try to do. All right.

But all right, gang, as the big man said, we got a gosh darn fam at that on our hands. Let's let's get to some questions. No. OK. It's going to bother him for the rest of the episode that we don't like it. Huh. Try to think of what else I can do. That's it. Uh, Alec Baldwin.

Hello, Kevin. Chris Rock Batman. Hello, Kevin. Chris Rawaga. Batman. Hello, Kevin. That's my old bit. I know. Trying to give you a fucking softball and you still... It was a good bit in 2010 and it still works today.

I thought I heard a guy do that with a Lorraine Bob a bit. A Lorraine Bob a bit in like fucking 2012. It was a good bit in the 90s and it's a good bit today. I was like, Jerry. That's a good, don't start up with me. Jerry, don't start up with me. I do that to Tommy all the time. Tommy, don't start up with me.

All right, but let's get into some gosh darn cues here, gang. This one's from Ethan. $10 homie, never had one red. There you go. I think they're all lying at this point, but are you garbage? We've told them preface this We've talked that we've a lot of me and you are portly gentlemen. We we have a lot of fat guy moves, right? Okay, just when or whatever like carrying our own spoon around with us. What do you mean? What's a fat guy move the sprinkler? Around with this what do you mean? What's a fat guy move the sprinkler?

Do the sandwich So what's a fat guy move? Okay, I'm insulted to be honest with you that what dad I have fat guy moves We've talked about it. Okay, go ahead Are you garbage if you hold your phone up while ordering? Okay, go ahead. Are you garbage if you hold your phone up while ordering fast food to make it seem like you're ordering for someone else to avoid the judgment? I've pretended that I was on the phone. Because I've ordered so much at the drive-thru. We've talked, okay yeah. The reading the phone I've never done that.

A 20 piece nugget? Are you sure you need all that? I mean I'll get it, alright. I have a drive-in headset on. Now, I've ordered so many burgers that there's no way that there wouldn't be a second or third drink. You said there's 30 guys there? I'm on my way. How many burgers? The Eagles offensive line is with you? Yeah, but reading that's good. I've done the... and I need a... what else? Oh, I go, hey, can I have a the and I need a what else oh, I go. Hey can I have a bacon egg and cheese?

That's my order, and then I go I also need yes, that's for the other guy or girl Yeah, in my mind the the worker at a fast food place. They know the score. They don't give a shit. No, that's fine They don't care what I care Hey, save your feelings a little bit in the parking lot sometimes. Oh my god that got so real God you got to turn the rear-view mirror away, so you don't see yourself I've also ordered some I've ordered a lot of delivery where I I live in fake conversations at the door. Yeah, I say

Yeah guys foods here Really uh-huh cuz a heavy bag I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I

live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I live. I different now because there's no you do the box. When would I do the the extra drink? Oh, when I get there, when I get up, I was going to add another drink, but he doesn't want one. Do that. Throw him off the scent.

Sure. Yeah, but what seamless he's got no idea. They don't know what's in that bag It's sealed comes in like the publishers clearinghouse. They don't know sure I always feel be all napkins in there. I'm a messy eater I sometimes I feel like a real fat ass if I let's say order a sandwich and fries and I'll order a DC for myself Uh-huh, and then he goes to hand it to me. He's like, all right, here's your,

because it's like a small bag or what. You know what I mean? It's not like, but then he'll hand me like a two liter. Man, there's something about the shame of an Uber driver handing you a two liter, a two liter at like 11 a.m. You feel like a real tub alarm. Woo-wee!

Yeah, that's bad stuff. All right, this one's from Dave Smith. Have you ever said multiple times, this has gotta be the finale when watching a fireworks display? That's every dirt bag, dad and kid gone. It's gotta be it. Jesus. Nah, not yet.

Or trying to guess what they spent. That's like a million dollars of fireworks Oh, man, that was me my dad and my brother had spent Numerous kind of driving there that watching it on the walk back and I was used to look at my dad as the authority go That's not it. Just wait. That's just wait. They're gonna pull out the big gun. Yeah, man They did him one year at my high school shout out to the Wisseckin High School fireworks. And fair or whatever they do.

But this was maybe like, I don't know, eight years ago. It had to be three million dollars in fireworks. It was crazy. I don't think it's three million. I don't know where they got the money. Dude, they kept coming. You think it's the finale. That's how they do it. They do it. My buddy who lives in Wisconsin sent me a link to and I almost went bananas, but I had to stop myself.

There was a fireworks factory going out of business throwing up everything for auction. Pennies on the dollar, dude. Now those professional fireworks. Oh, they're legit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought you couldn't buy them. No.

Yeah. You thought you'd have to be a company. I have a license in certain states. Yeah, but I'm sure you're not lighting those, right? No, yeah. I thought you'd have to be a company. I have a license or something. Maybe in certain states, yeah, but I'm sure you... They're not lighting those, right? No, they have like a fuse. Like a board. Yeah, they have like a...

Like a demolition company does that, or a fireworks company. I'm sure there's a fireworks. We can get your hands on some heavy artillery, I'm sure. Have you ever seen the video where the board malfunctions and it launches everything at once? No. It's crazy. Busy guy, huh?

The sky just goes white. The sky goes white, and it's people screaming, and then you hear dads going, ah, that ain't what they wanted that. That ain't right. Got their fuses crossed. Man, that just rattled. I want to say the show, and I could be wrong.

There was a show back in the 90s, early 2000s. When disaster strikes. That or real TV. Ooh, real TV was all right. And it was, I believe it was in Asia, a firework factory caught on fire. I don't like the way you said that. What?

It was Asia. No, I don't know, I didn't want to get too specific. I don't want to blow any fucking, blow any peace treaties we got going here. Um, but, uh, a firework factory called on fire and as like a 10 year old dirt bag, man, that was the funniest thing. And because you could see the dude, they were just shooting every direction. People were running for cover. People are clapping.

Well, that's not the finale. A fuel dump going up is pretty crazy, too. That's too scary to me. There's no fun in that. Man, those things will get you. Did you get scared of fireworks when you were a kid? Because I was petrified of them. No, we were a big firework fan. My dad used to do a...

I thought they were going to hit us. He would do a yearly trip down to South Carolina with his boys to like shoot, one of his boys had a farm and they would go like hunting for ducks or quail or something, I don't know. I think they were just going and getting fucked up. And he would stop at south of the border and bring home stuff you couldn't get here.

Good M80s, Terry bombs, mortars, you know, roaming candles, bottle rockets, that type of shit. Tally-whackers. Who's sker-do's, who's sker-don'ts. Sure. With or without the swizzle stick. And uh, we would, so we started lighting them early. The M80s I could do on my own.

Really? Yeah, eight, nine years old. That's like a grenade. Yeah, he didn't give a fuck, dude. Yeah. Blow your hand off. We would go light the yeah, we would go. But then he would take us to light the bottle rockets and the mortars. Wait, you were allowed to light the M 80s, but not the bottle rockets. That's like a snap. A bottle rocket. No bottle rockets are propelled. The little thin ones. No, these were like, thicker, thick. Yeah, these were like, like these were like a weapon. No, these were And then an explosion like a pop like it was like a bad firework You know what I mean like a like a like an entry-level firework can I make a counterpoint to that hit me?

No such thing as a bad firework. You're not wrong Toby. I stand corrected in this great country of ours I love the smell Do you like to smell a firework? I love this smell. I love the firework store. Everything's always always a van Oh my it's the best. It's always a fake deal It's always five for twenty You know what I mean? It's the best well there was one in Indiana that we would go to all the time from Chicago, and there was this young kid He was like 15 like almost felt like he was balding No, I have no idea what you're talking about always wearing overalls

And he would take us around and just and just be like oh these are good right here. You can shoot him at your buddies Yeah, but uh It's smoking there though. I'm watching my dad light it with a heater That's how he would light them and then just fucking step back step back. He's probably drinking too Remember we went to the we went to the right at you went to the school start running We went to the school to light them off because it was like two resident We had like mortars like the big like pool ball size mortars with the tube and the fuse comes out of the tube.

Yeah, those are good when you don't use the tube. Yeah. Let's go up to the school and set off some fireworks. A cop came, a toots we. Really? Yeah. He was from a federal property or whatever. Did y'all run?

No, he was just like, yeah. Scatter. Yeah, my dad takes off. Throws a couple smoke grenades. You're driving, by the way. Yeah, he was like Tell me this guy the Navy yeah, yeah, I will stop whatever or you know whatever I don't know huh there was there's one year We would always do them in the alleys in Chicago

And then the neighbors would jump out there's always people in every alley just blast them and a guy one of these guys American hero started a barrel fire and so you could just blast them. And a guy, one of these guys, this American hero started a barrel fire. And so you could just drop them in and blast them dude. That's pretty good, jeez. I don't like that shit in the cities. Nah, it's bad in the city. I'm getting old, but I don't like that shit.

There was a thing in New York about three years ago. Nuts. Where they were driving around in vans, selling them to the fucking, to neighborhood kids. And I mean- The pandemic, they were crazy. It was during the pandemic, it was that summer of the pandemic. So it was the summer of 2020 kids. And I mean the pandemic, they were crazy. It was during the pandemic, it was that summer of the pandemic.

So it was the summer of 2020. I had to leave the city. It was that due toll for it. No, dude, it was 4 a.m. You wake up and fucking shell shocked, dude. Fucking I'm throwing the covers over my wife and we're rolling out of bed. Dude, it was because it just rattles off the alleys

and the buildings. Man, it was fucking you'd wake up in the morning. It looked It looked like a war zone do just all like fired out shells and shit all over the ground for hours at 430 The moment who was enjoying this I think kids. Yeah crazy Alright, let's see here. This one's from dirty Dave shout out there Yeah, hit him is it garbage if your family's claim to fame as your cousin was in Heaven's Gate Colt? Whoa, I'm not sure what Heaven's Gate is That's the one with the Kool-Aid the one with the snow the sneaks sneakers

But yeah, but they all wore new balances or something right there were Nikes They're the guys that killed he killed themselves in the in the house in California. I think with the Kool-Aid I don't know if the Kool-Aid is the Jonestown massacre. Famously they might have drank. Why didn't they drink Jones soda? I don't know they didn't have it yet. Probably. Jonestown was bad. I don't think any of them were good. No, but Jonestown was a lot of people. Jim Jones. The rapper? No, he was a crazy person. Sure. A preacher or something like that. I think they killed a senator too or something. That was, I thought that wasn't in America though.

No, it wasn't. That wasn't in America. FBI agents went down and they stumbled upon, they went to, I think they went down to get that senator or or something or the senator's wife or something Yeah, they went down to get that guy or person and they found it was like yeah They had all hundred people all fucking yeah that that was drink. That's where drink the Kool-Aid comes from I'm not saying heavens gate didn't use Kool-Aid as well. That's my bad those errs I uh yeah, I mean these guys were kicking for a minute heaven's gate. It was it like a mass murder Then also in the bunk beds remember they were all wearing the same thing? They thought they thought it you don't remember that? No that's why I'm asking them to explain it to me. That was big

news. They thought a UFO was gonna take him up in once they killed him. They all think something stupid. Yeah. What year we got T-Bone? They started in the 70s they stopped in the 90s. Stopped is a good word. Yeah around October 1996 where they did a little mess. Ooh, you know. How many were there? Check it out. How many were what? In the house.

And what state was this? All right. You're gonna have to give me a second here. Sure. Yeah, that's, I never understood any of that. Rancho Santa Fe, California. Mm-hmm Huh nice neighborhood Sounds nice. What's that property going for now?

It takes would you move in there just alien abduction insurance that would cover up to 50 members and would pay out 1 billion dollars per person Yeah, that's a way insurance salesman saw them coming if they wait said it again. They had Alien abduction insurance. So if they got kidnapped by aliens again they had alien abduction insurance so if they got kidnapped by aliens they had to pay out uh-huh that never happened sure didn't man that guy yeah you're covered what if it's a flying saucer that yep that falls in there all that I can laugh it all the way to the bank I listen to a gentleman you worried about Bigfoot at all I listen to a whole thing on that must have been last podcast love or something about

this but it's all it all those cults blur together. It's all just one guy who's banging a bunch of people. It's all sex. Telling everyone else they're not allowed to bang. Yeah. They were kind of Johnny come lately to be honest with you. That was in the 90s. Hacks.

Oh wow. Foley, they would have taken you out bro. Why? Cheeseburgers. All right. They fully you they would have taken you out bro. Why cheeseburgers all right off themselves members took Fino barbital mixed with applesauce or pudding and wash it down with vodka Apple sauce pudding and vodka that sounds like you in Arizona brother. I'm gonna do the pudding Tell me I was with you. You're eating. It's just not taking you out

You're gonna finish yours, but you seem a little sleepy Jesus Christ. Damn. Fuck that, man. What about Jonestown? Does the same people at Heaven's Gate? That's a good name. That's better than Jonestown. Heaven's Gate.

Jonestown is where it happened. I don't know what 39 39. I like the Halebot. There was something with like a Haley's comment or something. Yeah, I think it was hail bot was gonna come by and scoop him up, baby nerds Smoke some heaters relax. What are you doing any chicks? Probably man probably mad chicks. I think it was all men

I'm not mistaken. It was all dudes. I could be wrong. Sure. I was watching an old forensic files, but it was on that a that's real trashy TV and I love it. Oh my God, 909 at Jonestown. What? Jesus. That's crazy, man.

Yeah, really nice. That guy can move so much. Ticky. Dude, in the 70s you convince anybody there's no good to do that's crazy that's not 900 what the fuck yeah kick my girlfriend unload the dishwasher haha but um

and two friends at 900 people. He convinced 900 people to off themselves. That's nuts. I'm having trouble moving tickets in Albuquerque. If you know any friends out there, bring the Kool-Aid. Holy shit, man. Jesus. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security.

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To get started, just open the app. It's as easy as that. See the PC Optimum app for details. And who did they... they killed somebody first, right? A senator or the governor or somebody went down there. It was in Guadalajara or something, wasn't it? I don't know where that is. He just made that up.

Guadalajara is a place. No, I know it's a real place, but you just... It was in Panama or something like that. There you go. Guyana. In Africa? No, that's Ghana, Guyana. Ah, that's stupid, that's too close.

They both gotta be in Africa. You're doing that. Guyana is in South America? It's in Georgetown, I'm not sure. It's all coming at me fast. Sure, I like T-bone in the hot seat. Yeah, he gets kid gets squirrely. It's because Foley has no patience.

Sure. Yes, he riles off three questions. I'm looking at a, you know, 90 page Wikipedia article. And he's asking me what size shoes everybody had on. How many sevens were there? And then refuses to vamp. He just stares at me. You got that? How many sevens were there? And then refuses to vamp, he just stares at me. You got that yet? I apologize. All right, let's see here.

This one's just funny. This is from Martin Van Nostrand. Ten dollar homie. I ain't doing never had one read ever smoke with a zinn in. That seems crazy. It's the closest you can get to vaping Really that mean that means that like I mean the vapes are the most addictive most gnarly Form like way to get nicotine that would give me a headache that that seems day you can die from that There's nicotine you can overdose on nicotine

Yeah, I remember my dad's buddy or the guy my dad knew got the patch and then started catching heaters on the patch and fucking fell out at work. Died? Yeah, it's like working at the air fixing something at the airport and just fucking flipped out I think. I don't think the applesauce. At least go out a bang.

All right, this one's from Alex never have one read my favorite thing to do at a house party is steal the oven knobs. That's psychopath level behavior, behavior dude that is just such a dickhead imagine waking up in the morning hungover start an omelet they got no knobs they're real hard to turn too you know we need a vice grip or something brutal Jesus that's low-key very cool you know that's I got could see moving them putting them somewhere where do you get oven knobs dude I'm actually going through that problem now at my house why

the oven knobs loose and when I bought the house I'd leave what I'd leave what do you mean I wouldn't be able to sleep why because the gas running now, but there's I got my own OCD ways to check it I put my head on the burner. See if she's blowing I must touch those When I leave the house, I have to walk in That sucks. I have to walk that in the door upstairs I stand there and and do like five, six times. And still, you're crazy and still don't believe it. I'll make her go upstairs and check. Really? Yeah.

I need another set of eyes on it. No, you should learn how to trust yourself. I mean, I'm no fucking doctor over here and I have my own flaws. Do not get me wrong. But you got at some point trust. You can't be sending other people to solve your crazy. I don't trust myself. And I'm always worried that I'm going to brush up on one of the oven knobs, and the gas is going to leak,

and the cat's going to be in there. Sure. You ever see when a house goes like that? I had it happen. That one not that long ago? It was nuts. The one that's like a ring ring and the house is over there Man you wouldn't know what hit you that had happened to talk about Heaven's Gate I happen to a friend of mine really yeah

Whoever was leaving in the morning bumped into the the stove got turned on His sister was there at the house, but you know I know the sister sure and She was sleeping and it filled up the apartment and they couldn't get a hold of her or something like that so they had to super like, this is like after like a couple hours or whatever, they had to super go in and like kick the door open or open the door and she. That could have set it up if the metal would have scraped and sparked.

I don't know, she was laying in her bed puking like fucking gassed out or whatever The gas is one thing more to 11 So what are you doing about the knobs get somebody over there to fix it I gotta get a new knob, but I you could take it out. I'm screwed I got to get a new knob, but I can't think this is how you know if you need some knobs I got a guy. No, you know you do you stuffing like some putty in there and Trust me. You don't know what you're just get blindly trying to put some butter in there butter

No, so we have it off completely but and you don't use that burners that oh that is a good be well I can't figure out what got a burner you don't you I can't figure out what brand the stove is that's even more garbage It's stainless steel, but it's got no name on it nowhere Real fucking aftermarket. It's just called quality ovens Cooking device. Caution hot. Yikes. Yeah, you got gas. You got electric. Got gas. That's steel's gonna stain. I'm surprised you didn't get a new oven. No, it's it's supposed it looks like it's stainless, but it's stained though.

I'm surprised you didn't get a new oven. Well, I made a money. You know what I mean? What's an oven cost? A lot. I have no idea. Give me an oven. You have it? Get a dishwasher too. Still waiting on that Jonestown info by the way. If you're looking for a low end Viking? A low end Viking? What are we doing? He's got loose knobs! Give me something with loose knobs. Or you know what I could do? Get Viking knobs and a Viking sticker on it. That's not bad. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. People come, is that a Viking?

Yeah, just don't look at it. It's a shmiken. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha If you're getting a Vikings a grand not a Viking you yelled at me for the bike. I'm sorry. What was the Viking? Damn Kia right there Who's got $5,000 stole money also. I don't know if you want a Samsung oven They're good quality product. Oh electronics. I don't think now they do good with I think I have a Samsung refrigerator patties DVD player Electronics, I don't think nah, they do good with I think I have a Samsung refrigerator at Patty's that's different VCR DVD player

slash VHS Rewinder Catch the news why I'm eating dude that was like you were Loaded if you had just the my body had a little winders like a more of a toy It was like a race car. Yeah, and like you opened it up and put it in and man I was baffled did they phase out their refrigerators with the screens in them? I don't think they ever caught on. They, I mean for a minute. There's also the one that you can see through the door like you press a button and like it clears. I don't trust.

How lazy are you? What the fuck is that man? I don't know. How much are you saving? My dad used to freak out about that. Close the goddamn refrigerator door. We always went and there was a big party down the shore. You put two grand in a Reds game. You're worried about their refrigerator? But if we were down the shore,

we'd have like big parties at my aunt's house and like there would be, you know, you expect, I mean, the group of us is like 100 people with kids and everything. So it'd be in the backyard and they'd be cooking sausage, fucking meatball, the whole thing. And like, would you do sausage? Yeah. Huh. Sausage and meatballs is like meatball, the whole thing. And like, would you do sausage? Yeah. Huh. Sausage and meatballs is like a standard at the. In the, on the grill or in the pot?

No, in the pot. Okay. Cause that's just like sitting there and it's like, if you want a sandwich, whatever, you know, that's, it'd be a spiraled ham, for sure. A potato salad, macaroni salad, all that, you know. And then probably someone doing dogs and burgers

and stuff like that as well You know they do good Mac salad where that Hawaii. Oh It's top shelf Mac potato egg salad. You can only have one the rest of your life. Oh I thought you was I don't fuck with that's a thing That's a thing Mac potato egg. Uh-huh. That's a thing. That's crazy reading it off your phone. I'll do the Mac potato eggs And what do you guys want? Bringing it back. Oh, you want another order of Mac?

Toby, that is one of the best questions you've ever asked. And I appreciate the question. And that's very tough. I think I would just... You know how I know it's a tough question? Because you're vamping like a politician. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to make that decision. I did not have sex with that egg salad.

I did not order the vegetables. How was that? I mean, I don't claim to do it, and I did it just as good as you. I don't think so at all. Okay, I mean, they're in the same world. Mine at least got a laugh. Your joke stunk as well. How about this? I don't want any of them. Wait, hold on. Yeah, cuz you're a weirdo. All right.

I don't know why you're gonna know you're throwing insults at me. Lord. Here's, here's, here's the thing. Let me tell you what he's joining my call. He's not. He me and you, T-Bone. It's all pudding, no poison. That's not a bad name for a special. That's pretty good. All pudding, no poison. Hold on. He's not going to... This is what he does. And he's going to change it now. He's not going to give you a real answer. Nope. He's going to go, well, if this and that, you're not just the next word out of your mouth should be one of the three. No explanation. Go. Here's the thing. No, no, no. Just do play the game. It's a flawed question. It's not a fault. You said it was the

greatest question I've ever asked. Egg salad is an aside. The other two are side. What are you talking? Egg salad is absolutely aside. No, it's this. Who the fuck? Where'd you find this guy? You kidding me? He's a friend. Egg salad is a side. What kind of hillbilly town did you grow up? Listen stop that the quack salad is a sandwich not putting the system on trial man. It's how it's a sandwich It's out stop answer the question regardless of it is the same which or not you that's not the question The question is what one of those three would you choose? Next word out of your mouth. She has to be one of those three. Play the game.

You always do this. Just have fun in the game. Potato salad, macaroni, egg salad. I want them all. I couldn't do it. You have to. Alright, potato salad. There it is. How hard was that? With a side of egg salad? With an egg salad sandwich? Nobody has egg salad as a side. That come on. Macaroni salad. Come on, T-Bone.

You would only have macaroni salad. If someone ordered egg salad as a side, I would never speak to them again. Sure. It's so good, though. That's all I have to do. It's very... Look!

You wouldn't eat egg salad? No. You like eggs? You like bread? I don't like salad. I got you there, fatty. Man, I love an egg salad. Nope. You like bread. I got you there fatty. Man, I love an egg salad. Nope. Two

eggy. Warm it up. Give me an omelet. What are we doing here? A little bacon and cheese in there. That's tough, man. Here's the thing. Macaroni salad is not created equal. I mean, none of it. None of it really. It's not. It's the

potato salad is the most consistent of the of those three. It sucks here that the deli's it has that sweetness to it. You know, it's been sitting in that thing for weeks. They put relish in it. I hate I hate how you feel about this. I don't like celery in my Macs out. I don't like that crunch. I'll go even crazier.

I don't like celery at all. I hate celery. Well, my eating roots here. Let's go. Give me a gummy bear. You don't like ants on a log? Tastes like nothing turns into dental floss? No, thanks. Ants on a log. Yeah, peanut butter with raisins on it on celery. No, give me a peanut butter sandwich and some goldfish. If I'm breaking out the peanut butter, I'm not going to put it on vegetables. And a heater. Yeah, what are we doing here?

It's lunchtime. I'm a growing bully Patty for a minute used to put peanut butter celery in my lunch and that look like a fucking cat shit in my bag everywhere I can pull it that sure far way to get a wedgie dude that's crazy he's having dirty thermometers lunch. You find that in the garden? Yikes. Brutal. Foe's got bugs in his lunch. Hey, shut up! They're raisins. Now maybe if you did chocolate chips instead,

lost the celery, and a pretzel rod, we can talk. Whoa. That's one of my low-key favorite things, too. Have you had that? No, well, they do the big pretzel rod. Whoa. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They'll swizzle it up with like if it's like white chocolate if they dipped in white they'll swizzle it with brown with like chocolate That around Christmas time all day long. Yeah the chocolate cover. I'm a pretzel man. Everybody knows You know everyone knows it about you know what would be unbelievable Peanut butter filled pretzel with a little tiny dollop of Nutella in there, too. That's pretty good You want to hear this know the chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel. I don't love those they have that have those want to hear this. No, the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel.

I don't love those. They have that? They have those? I don't know. You just said it like you got ammonia. No. He said with a little nutella. Everybody stop.

Let's get, let's settle. He said with nutella in them. No. That wouldn't work. My wife went over to Germany and for her office's party. Uh-huh. She took peanut butter filled pretzels. Right. As like an because they don't have peanut butter over there.

What? Europe doesn't have peanut butter. What? Google one thing that Europeans all want from America. It's peanut butter and Levi's jeans. What? That's this they do. They don't have peanut butter. Not in Europe. I'm sure they have it

now, but it's not like a thing. Maybe for a little while after World War Two when the wall was up. I'm telling you. They have almond butter? Yeah, I'm sure. Or maybe not. Although you can find it, you will notice that it is unusually hard to find peanut butter in Europe. Yeah, it's not like you don't go to any grocery store and get it. It's not good for you. Oh, it's horrible for you. Yeah, they say it's got like acetates or something. I mean, even on that, it's like just the world's fattiest thing.

Good. I love peanut butter. Of course, but she was like, their minds were blown. I just imagine a bunch of Germans all like inspecting it and be like, well, this is das. How do you get the peanut butter in there? I mean, it's the perfect, it's the perfect mixture of salty and sweet. Do you hire a tiny little person to put the peanut butter in there? I don't understand.

Man, that and a cold glass of milk, I said it once, I'd say it again. Holy cow. Nah, dude, a screaming cold Coke. Regular, not diet. I go down the shore, Nieisi's got them in the drawer. I hope to the second I might as well throw the little way is it ain't fucking. There's a there's a there's a a point of no return on that where it's going to ruin your day.

You're like eating a pancake. I eat them till I'm too full. I'm not I eat until I'm like, oh, oh I'm full like I just had a meal full I wish we had those that's me with those nerds rope clusters that's crazy ass stop they're the best ever man they're not real nerds that's what kills me I like the thicker nerd the nerd in the box you're a thicker nerd sure nerd in a box full bag full of pointe textures the glass I remember when nerds drop dog yeah we got sucked him right in the face all right this one is speaking of food this is from Timothy are you garbage if

you chill your food on the air conditioner before you take a bite I like that. That's a pro move. It's well documented that I put my, if I make a frozen pizza, I cut two slices, put that in the freezer for a quick minute or two to three. I have. So you can bite right away. I have been at the dollar slice places in the city.

They usually come out screaming unless you tell them not too hot. Brutal. I've been known a time or two to take the, in the winter to take the slice and walk and take it for a little walk. Take it for a stroll down Second Avenue. Sure. I'll even go don't even when I'm at a dollar slice place unless it's like cold. I go I'll just as is just give it to me as is because they throw them in there and then they get like six homeless guys will come in a family because those places are like you know it's like a turnstile. And they forget about your slices and you're sitting there going, come on.

But also you run into the problem where they pull the pies out too quick because they got to move so fast. So you got to throw that back in, you got to finish that off. No, I don't mind that. I understand what you're saying, but I don't mind that.

The perfect slice, it came out of the oven about 20 minutes ago, you put it back in the oven for a minute. It still has a little bit of, the cheese is a little not quite melted. I don't disagree. I'm right there with you big guy. Welcome back to Are You a Fatass?

This one's from a legit Norristown Dine Piece. That's pretty good. There you go. That's probably Patty. Is it garbage if you have one of the tall cigarette ashtrays that you see outside of business for personal use in front of your house. On the porch? Sure. Back in the day, that was standard. That's crazy. We never... To me, this is... My grandfather had one in the living room.

No, no, no. They're talking about the plastic one that goes... Oh, Jesus. That goes like... What are you in? Like, that would be outside of a bar. This was just like classy. It looked like the inside of a house. It looked like the space needle. Yeah. No, no, no goes like, up top. What are you in? Like, that would be outside of a bar. This was just like, classy. It looked like the space needle. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. To me, that, I'm, this is how I realize I'm trashy, cause that is, I go, this is the best way to handle this problem, and it's pretty cool. Like, the fact that you knew someone to get your hands on this means you're pretty cool. I don't understand how those things work and more often than not, I've seen at least ten of those things on fire. Smoking.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We had a Corona bucket full of sand for a minute. That was all right. That's pretty good. I like that. I like that. That's pretty good.

Remember when you walk into a mall, they'd have the trash can with the ashtray on top with the sand in it. Those are the best. And there was always a... square you mean they look like planes that crashed with like the red lipstick on it all-time Early internet prank video they sprinkle just a thin layer of gunpowder Good thing you're at the mall because I'm gonna need a new pair of shorts Good thing you're at the mall cuz I'm gonna need a new pair of shorts God holy shit, that's nuts. Yeah, that's a good time

Speaking he does this one from Seth $10 at 26.99 APR financing. Hey, he goes he put it on a credit card. That's love it Y'all ever popped an inflatable pool with a camel crush? That's, everything is wrong in that sentence. Pop an inflatable pool, camel crush. When was the last time, or have you ever, with your pedigree, been in an inflatable pool? Yeah, for sure been in an inflatable pool.

I don't know, I'm not a big pool guy anymore. I've been living in the city, I've been living in New York for the past fucking 12 years. I've never been in an inflatable. My time out of one of my boys pulling in his back, my cousin pulled in his backyard in Port Richmond. What are we talking about here? Three feet, four feet? Deep? Yeah.

Yeah, like three, maybe three and a half. By the way, Walmart, they were like 12. Yeah, like three, maybe three and a half. Buy them at like Walmart. They were like, 12. Whenever they came out on the scene, those like disposable fucking pools, kind of. They were like above ground, those disposable above ground pools, disposable's not the right word, but they were like 1,200 bucks.

And like a room full of guys, you know, a house full of guys got it and fucking set up shop. I have seen it and I always wanted to do. They either get like a dump truck or something like that That looks fun, but not comfortable So probably hot metal can't fucking lounge in there sloshing around and shit And sometimes you see people in like Texas or whatever they'll turn the pickup truck into a pool. Yeah, I always got hot chicks with them That's what's holding me back

Take it that you with your cans out Yeah, that's tough. I do, uh, I do respect the inflatable it gives people opti- dude, if it's hot as shit in the summer, you got nowhere to go you and your buddies scrape together nine hundred bucks or whatever.

They make big ones now. I know, the technology on them is all right. I was squirting myself with a hose this weekend on the couch Stairs getting myself all wet really is burning. Yeah burning stuff out there boy Yeah, whatever you can do to beat the heat, but I haven't been a pool guy since Probably fucking heist junior high in high school. They're like I've just never had access That's why we that's why we go so nuts for them when we're out on the road.

When we're on the road, it's like, yeah, you find a dipper, I'm in the dipper. But it's like, I've swam more this year and it's been a handful of times than I have in probably a decade. That's not in the ocean. I get in the ocean. Forget about it, I'm in the ocean.

It'd be cool if we could get a dip in an above ground pool on the Route 66 tour. Floatin' it out there. That would be all right. Uh-huh. I'd like that. It'd be September. it out there. I'd be all right. Uh huh. I'd like that. It'd be September. They are better. I don't know what to tell you. I don't hate it. I've been I've been kicking around the idea of getting one.

I just can't do the maintenance. Not in the burbs enough. What do you mean? Get an above ground? Yeah. Really? I don't need an in ground pool. I got that one. I get the fucking key. Sure. Also, I got one of those fiberglass John's. Huh? The five the all put together in ground pool.

Yeah, but I don't want to I don't I wouldn't use it. I'm a sure man when I listen, I am a Bucks County dirt bag. When the summer comes around and I got two or three free days, I'm going to Wildwood. Not going to sit in a fucking pool. I'm going to Wildwood. I'm getting Sam's pizza. Going on a beach. I'm king of the boards. Mr. Neptune, body surfing champ, 2009.

You're getting an above ground pool that'd get me down there. I don't want you down there. You still got the pool? I'll take care of it. How about that? No. I'll split it with you. You showered in there. Full of crawfish for some boil you're trying to get going.

Me and a bunch of corn on the cob. You got a fully gone bag. All right, let's see here. This was just a fucking stand. This is from Remy, 25 years old, 25 male. He put his like it's a fucking dating website. Is it garbage to pay for your mom's divorce because she can't afford it and is in a bad situation?

That's a fucking standup guy right there. What's a divorce cost? I got to see what a divorce would she be getting divorced? Not at the sons paying for it. I don't think there's a big pie to go around. You got to figure there's some sort of court filing fee. I would have to presume. And also, what's an attorney's probably at least a thousand bucks. I might need a divorce attorney

Hourly fee that can vary from 200 to 500 or more an hour And they bill dude you pick up a phone call even if it's six minutes they bill you a 15 minutes That's a of an hour. That's in New York though Yeah, I mean it ain't cheap Speaking I don't know what between three thousand and five thousand five thousand dollars for three three to five thousand dollars for a divorce. Yeah that's a lot of fucking cashola. That's not. That's a couple two three green. I know my dad had to pay for my mom's divorce attorney at the end and he didn't like that at all. That was that was a quick take away when I was like My dad had to pay for my mom's divorce attorney. At the end.

And he didn't like that at all. That was a quick takeaway when I was like six. I'm fucking paying for it. Paying for the guy I'm fighting in court. That's crazy, man. That's crazy. Uh-huh. That's crazy.

Yeah. Jesus. And then my mom ended up hating my dad's divorce attorney. Of course. Like he was like in the area you mean they get a shorthouse together of course but he was of the area still so we would get bump into him he's got a son fucking get he did nice he holds nice he holds a garage just walking past the table saying shit like oh, I didn't know they allowed rat bastards Piece of shit party you too can I get a rat can I get a mouse for my snake friend over here?

Yeah, hello dirtball she was not that happy sure But that's a fucking shout out to a 25 year old stepping up and taking care of ma like that hundred percent That's fucking good. That's all cuz it's 25 you proud. I mean Three grand to anybody's not fucking nothing to shake his stick out let alone a 25 to do that for me three grand to me at 25 You wouldn't have I I wouldn't even I would have had a bar it off my mind I wouldn't know where to get it. I had to go to my mom's divorce attorney or somebody Yeah, who would if you had to make one call at 25 to get three grand? At the time? I guess let's say 35. Let's gauge. 35 grand? No, when you were 35. So we were

both, that's probably around the time I met you. Yeah, I started comedy when I was 32, so I met you 33, 34. Yeah, so I was 24, 25, whatever. So it's those days, those Raven Lounge days, you need three grand. I had two people that I could have called. That would have been... And how long would they have given you? You would have walked in to the Raven Lounge with bandages on your hand going, I sold my pinky.

It was worth it. Can you do that? What? Sell a pinky? I can get some cash for some digits, brother. Really? Sell my pinky, though. Think it's dead anyway.

Take the diabetes. I don't need it. Hey, that nail was dead when you bought it. They attach it to some guy who gains 200 pounds. You're selling extremities as is. Who needs phalanges? Buy one, get one. Interesting trades except that we couldn't salvage the toe. It was all chock full of gravy.

35, I can't remember when my brother got married. It was somewhere around there. Once my sister-in-law was in the picture, I'd be screwed. You're off the books. Oh, yeah. You lost the passwords. Yeah. I dug that hole, obviously.

But if it wasn't I was 25, my brother, no shot. I mean, yeah. Hey, man, I need three grand. He always took care of me. He gave me a lot of shit for it. Shout out to him. I was right there. Stand-up guy.

I was right there with you. Stand-up guy, that brother of mine. I remember when my brother turned the faucet off a little bit. Yeah, he was I asked him for 400 bucks to pay rent I was jammed up. This is probably Right before we start like right if I was in that apartment in the Heights When I was by myself right before we started what the pod really? Oh, yeah, come to me. You didn't have any money No come to me and say hey, I got a whale on the line Could have squeezed a couple on the out of him. He always liked me

But I hit him up for four And he was on big cat 400 bucks. I needed my rent was 1200. I think I had I have a thing That they like that a little bit. You call me on fucking vacation? He was in like Turks. He didn't give it to me. He was in like Turks and Caicos or something. Son of a bitch. I respect it. I think he was like...

Get me a magnet for the fridge at least. Send me a postcard. I'll be in hell. He didn't give it to you. Which I respect. What did he say? Let me see or something like that. Oh, I've gotten a couple. Let me see. I was down in the count with I still I have to that could be

a good thing. I'm a true. You have to come up how I can pay him back how we can pay our siblings back. I've already I think I'm already good. 100% okay, guy not having fun with this relax. Jesus Christ. I'm not gonna break your kneecaps I'm giving you 400 now what the fuck tell you that um I would be interested to say I mean just come back to like he just said you were counting cars

So clearly a touchy subject is that fair enough to say you might not be emotionally over it? Well, you lying sack of shit. Well, that comes up. Let's have fun. No. It comes up a lot. I'll be honest with you. You're still in the hole.

I don't think I am. OK, says the guy. I don't think I am. Is it colder down there, big guy? My nephew. I've been sneakers alone with my nephew. Not to mention the Burberry scarf I got him for Christmas. Knock off. Ash Burberry. Blueberry. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I had one guy that would have three grand. I have an easier

chance getting to the moon. Well, I would really need it because grand. That might as well be. I have an easier chance of getting to the moon. Well, I would I would really need it because they would know. Yeah, he's giving it to you to party. Yeah, I would have never needed three grand. Let's say no, let's say you're down payment on an

apartment. You're getting your own apartment. I need I so it's $1000 a month. I just need to get my own apartment. I got no money. I need three months rent. It would have been drugs. You could no shit idiot. Yeah, it would have been drugs. Yeah, but are you buying enough that you can move then make a profit? I would have been in the hole on it.

I was never that in the hole. 4500 maybe a G but yeah, it would have that have to have a real good reason. Yeah, I never learned my lesson, but I learned that if you had a buddy that had cash the first one was easy I got you to worry about it sure the second one was easy too, but with a bit of an eye roll Tommy I think Tommy Cassidy. I think I borrowed like 1,500 bucks off after I knew him for like two months Yeah, you're fucking crazy. You made you made him a real easy spotted the whale at the table He was making kids dude. I remember you saying it

You don't need it right now all that kind of shit sure fighting. That's real dirtbaked. I'll give it to you when you need it I'll be the first guy there. Hey listen. I'll call me when you're dead call me We got to wrap it up though gang gang. Ah, what a fun one. Uh huh. Gang, we love you to death. Grab tickets for Red Bank, New Jersey, August 17th. Grab tickets for the Route 66 Tournament. It's gonna be a fun one, man. We wanna see you out there. Come in a really fun places. Chicago to LA. Chicago's almost sold out. LA's almost sold out. Saint Louis sold out.

We added a second show. Tickets are moving. Get them tickies now, gang. Love it, gang. We'll see you next week.