Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Feitelberg Returns!

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with a BONKOS one! Feitelberg returns and the dude is nuts. Its a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE https://www.HelixSleep.com/Garbage Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. New York City, New York. Kippy and Uncle Hank are coming home to Ruse, baby. October 27th, helium comedy club, Philly, Pennsylvania, come and see us. And then for the New York Comedy Festival, we're gonna be a Gotham Comedy Club on November 9th. These shows are gonna sell out.

Gain your tickets. Gah! Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.

This is Are You Garbage, or is? It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. Down here at Antote's basement, she's out at home depot

looking for some new patio furniture for the living room. That's great. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Unamused, as usual. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman. He's a guy turning Wall Street upside down and the big firms are nervous.

Give it up for Kevin James, Ryan, everybody. Only dealing in euros from here on out. What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof. True to fucking roof.

And then I would be a fucking jerk off. An asshole, a piece of shit, an idiot. Don't you say it. If I didn't mention the greatest website of all time, patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. Shout out to the Conti family, the Yam family, the founders, all the subsidiaries. They're doing the Lord's work over there, Patreon.

Check it out. We love you. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer, Jordan Eyre, the Magic Band. He makes us all look good. Give it up for T-Bone, McMuffin. It's Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes?

I'm stoked. This is going to be fun. Yeah, it'll be a fun one. I know why you're excited. Guests came in hot today. Oh, you see, they came in looking real good, too. Yeah, tight little body on. Look at the super soldier's theorem.

This kid's coming in tall. Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guest back with us today. This man is Garbage Royalty. He is a family member. He's on the wall, baby. I'm telling you right now. He's got keys to the house.

I'm giving you that. All right, he's one of the stars over there in the Barstool universe. He has been educated in some of the finest schools and universities. He's from a fine American family, yet somehow, someway, he is the best example of nature versus nurture. Sure, yeah.

He's a big old derp ag, this one. I don't care where you put him, folks. This weed's going to grow in the sidewalk. Give it up for the one the only. Mr. John Fidelberg, everybody. Yeah, fights. What's up? It is my fucking pleasure.

I'm so happy. It's my first time in the studio. I know, I know. And I'm jacked up. You do look tight. You look like you look like you're about to be in the Eternals or something like that. It's because of the shows up.

I had some life changes recently. I stopped drinking for a bit. I started drinking again, but I stopped drinking. It didn't take. It didn't take. How long did you stop? I stopped for two months. Wow, that's pretty good.

It's a nice reminder, like, hey, you're not an alcoholic. Well, I just went through. I was in the hospital, and they were like, put your hands out there, checking me for the shakes. And I'd be like, somehow you don't have the shakes. Why were you in the hospital? Pancreatitis. What is that?

It's you drink too much. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do your back ball again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it's you poison. You drink poison for every night for a decade straight. And eventually, your organs are like, hey, man,

I don't know, you got to fucking chill out a little bit. You had to go to the hospital. Allegedly, allegedly. Well, yeah, because here's the deal. Here's the fucking rub on pancreatitis. No test for it. So I'm just taking the word of doctors. They don't know.

These quacks, they don't know what's going on. They were like, you got a stomachache? I was like, yeah, it's real bad. Get the horselyver medicine out. Let's go, baby. Can you feel it in your back? I was like, yeah, I can feel it in my back. Like, all right, you got pancreatitis.

I don't fucking know if that's for her. What was the solution? Just cut back on the booze? It was. So the doctors at the EHR, at the ER. What the hell's going on over there at the barstool? He's at the barber shop. I came for some highlights and a colonoscopy.

The doctors at the ER were like, you can never drink again. Never touch it again. And I was like, OK. You proved them wrong. And then I went to the John Fidelberg story. The second I got out of there and started a tablespoon at a time, every night added one more, like that fucking, like,

I think it's like a Russian story about carrying a one-pound heavier pig up a mountain. John, you can't do it. I'm telling you, you're not going to do it. You're chasing a chicken around 14 feet. With a martini in your hand? Just like, I went to see a doctor three weeks later, and the doctor was like, first of all, now, I've got to be

honest, this doctor was in a basement. His office is in a basement. I took the elevator downstairs as his doctor. Went in, went in street level, hit down to sea level. That's no good, dude. No windows, no knocking. Unless there's an alien being stored down there. Yeah, that's fucking shitty.

We take no insurance. This sounds like a janitor. I'm not going to lie. They had three levels of security to get in. So they tell you a lot of things you don't want to hear in this office. But he's like, I was like, hold on, wait. So I guess the first one, there was no one there.

So there was a security desk. And that desk said, take the elevator downstairs. Is this a, I'm sorry, back to something. Is this a specialist? Is this a, nope, regular, regular primary care. My new primary care, because this guy's the fucking man. He tells you exactly what you wanted to hear. I literally was like, Gil, can I sign you right now

off the free agent block? Yeah, let's take them. I'll start coming here no matter what. John, let me ask you a question. Are you having enough chicken wings every day? I need at least a dozen, two dozen out of you. Every day, John. He was like, he's, I saw, he's, what do you hear for?

And I told him, like, it's a follow up from an ER visit. And he's like, okay. So what did they say? And I was like, they told me like, I can never drink again. And he got out of here, but talk, I got to be honest. He's going to fuck up the sponsorships or new Amsterdam company. So that's, that's almost exactly what I'm contract. It's almost exactly what the company told me.

I'm contractually obligated to have nine more to get this out. Hey, you cashed a check. You got to drink it. He was like, he's like, he goes, they told you what he was very flamboyant. And I was like, he had like, he like put this hip to the side. Like he was on Broadway. Yeah, they told you what started shaking a Cosmo. I was like, they said, I can't drink.

He goes, listen, I want you to live the best and most fulfilling life possible. And if you can't have a beer, you die 38, that's what happens. Okay. You can't have that. All right. That's fine. Like whatever. And he was like, you can start drinking this weekend if you want.

And I was like, jeez. Don't have to tell me twice. Bravo, open up a doctor. So that was that was two weeks ago. And I mean, I've been I've been off it for a little bit. I got off the piss for a bit. I got off the pit. And what's that off booze?

Yeah, off booze for a little bit. That's trashy. No, that's fucking British, bro. That's that's class. I'm off the drink. Yeah. Drinks, man. Then then I got quit dip to stop chewing tobacco.

That's good. That one's been three months. But I saw you were smoking C. Started smoking cigarettes. Bro, I was I was outside just leaning against your bill and smoking a cigarette before I came up here. I should have called me. All the 20, 21 started smoking.

So no, 33, 33 years old, the middle of the middle of a fucking long collapsing pandemic. He starts smoking burnies. Hi, I'm John Fidelberg and smoking and ketamine turned my life around. I like I like told someone that is your doctor in a basement because he should. I told someone that like, like braggadociously,

I was like, yeah, having a drink in a while, quit dip to. Like, by the way, I did start smoking cigarettes and they were like, what? Like, it was I was so proud of it. I do have one vice that I just picked up. It's fucking the one that kicked out in the 90s. It's the one the world, the whole world got hip to 88. Kids going retro.

I've always been an old soul. Tie dye shirts and unfilters. All right, we got to go back on this because I'm slightly concerned. So you weren't feeling well. All right. And so you went so you went to how did you end up in the ER? Got that bad?

It was it was like it would always it was in the afternoon. It was actually during an interview. OK, I'm fucking what's his name? Fucking was one who was like, go to the hospital. It was so how long have you been screaming at a guy on Zoom? Who plays Frodo? Um, who plays Frodo?

Elijah would. Elijah would go to the fucking hospital. Elijah would tell you to go to the hospital. Hey, you're the chosen one. You listen to that guy. I kept I kept going in the middle of the interview. I go just flex back. I go, ah, because it was like this.

Final Bird plays by his own fucking rules, dude. Weird pain in my back. It was Gandalf like, did you get to keep the ears? Dude, he refers to he refers to shooting Lord of the Rings. Like someone refers to going to Harvard where it's like, I was up at school in Cambridge. He's like, yeah, I was at work over in New Zealand. Like we know what you were doing, dude.

So you were filming Lord of the Rings. Sure. I was doing some work in New Zealand. Yeah, we're aware. Yeah, we all saw it. Two terraces ocean, which are you? So you didn't feel well. So I didn't feel well.

Just went to the hospital and they kind of did all their shit. But here's what happened in the hospital. You went to the ER. That's different. Yes, yes. All right, so what did they test you for? Check you out for? Give you like an MRI and stuff like that?

Nope. Nope. They got ultrasound. Ultrasound to be up. OK. Yep. And that was it. That was the only test they gave me.

And they were like, all right, we're going to put you in the hospital for a little bit. Now that they asked how often? Yeah, oh, yeah. Wait, what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So they found something.

Yeah, they found pancreatitis. Acute pancreatitis. Supposedly. Yeah. So their fucking degrees say. I don't know. I have my own suspicions about what it was. I think I was just dehydrated.

My dad and mom agree. Oh, you want to hear some shit? It's the insurance company. Get them out. My dad called me the morning after I got admitted. He goes, do you need to go to rehab? I said, no, I don't think so. I'm all set.

And I went home the day after that. What a guy who needs rehab would say. I'm all set. I said, he goes, all right, just check in and hung up. And then I go home the next day. And I'm home for three hours. He goes, you want a beer? I was like, bro, 20 hours ago, you called me.

I said, I'm going to rehab. Now I'm on the couch in pain in my fucking hospital socks still. And you go, do you need a beer? Looks like you can use a cold one there, man. Take some of that worry off your face. But so they admitted me. And I fucked.

So doctors have this thing now where doctors don't wear white jackets anymore. I don't know if they ever did. I don't know if it's a TV or movie thing. But I can't tell who's a doctor and who is. I'm bringing this whole system down. They're all in fucking. Anybody can get a finger up my ass.

You fucking jumped to the end of the story. Wait, what? Dude, so I'm in there for two days, right? They've taken my vitals probably seven separate times, right? They come in, they hook me up with the fucking blood pressure thing, put the fucking oxygen level thing on my finger, check my temperature, yada, yada, yada.

One morning, this doctor comes in, and I just hit him with a, what's up, bro? Because he's in the scrubs. He's a young looking dude in scrubs. Figured he's a nurse. Pulls out his thing. He goes, actually, it's Dr. Timuron. I'm like, all right, whatever.

That's a Timuron. Business card? Don't you like it? Facebook page. You know what I mean? Oh, OK. That's pretty official. Is it?

Yeah. Those are just weak. Especially as you get your keys on there? Yeah. This is how he gets into fucking, I don't know, the more to fuck a body. And he's like, he's actually talking to Timuron. I was like, all right, my bad, whatever.

And he talks to me for a little bit. And from that point forward, every time they took my vitals, they took it from my ass. And I think he was so pissed off that I called him bro, rather than Dr. Timuron. What vitals are they taking in your ass? My temperature. Yeah, temperature.

Rectal. Yeah. The best way to do it. They would do it. Tell my mom did it. From that, I had seven. No, it does. Shout out to Fatty.

I had seven different mouth temperatures. And then my last three all fucking rectally. And he, and at one point, I caught him peeking around the corner. I swear to fucking God. And we locked eyes. Deeper, deeper. We locked eyes.

Put the lipstick on him. You know, the position you get in when you're getting things in your ass? How would you say no? Go mouth. Go mouth. I'm going to tell a fucking nurse what to do. During a pandemic, they're heroes.

OK? That's fair. I've seen it on TV. Yeah, I walk out and tell a troop what to do, too. No thanks. And he comes out, he's like, actually, he doesn't need it that way. He doesn't need it that way.

And he goes, unless do you care? And I was like, no, I don't care. I just want to get the fuck out of here. But I wouldn't hate it if you, I don't know, maybe close that door, because the door was wide open. Or I don't know, shut this curtain in the middle of the curtain to shut it up. If we didn't do it in the waiting room, I'd prefer it.

It was like, I could just see outside. I'm fucking fetal position. My boxer's down. I can just make eye contact with people walking through the hallway. Nice. You're fucking crazy. That's boncos.

But you feel better. Feel great? You look great. You do look like you have more life to you. That's unfortunate. I was really trying to do the other thing. I was really trying to go the other way with it. Here's the thing, though.

You look tight. You look like you've been working out. And this didn't happen in a couple weeks or a couple weeks. It has. Jesus. I don't know. But every time we see him, he's got like a baggy sweatshirt on too, I think.

Maybe. He might have just been hiding that tight on the whole time. Not showing it off in the office. I understand it. I just took a sexual harassment quiz today. So no, I know what I'm around the ladies to keep a sweatshirt on. That's like a graphic quiz.

What have you called him? Training. Training. You want to fuck me? No, no, no. I know you can't announce in the office now. I'd like to see more half-nude women in here. That was an actual question.

Really? Yeah. It was like, they used semi-nude, not half-nude. But it was, I'd like to see more semi-nude women around the office. It's not something. It was a sort of radio station. Oh, being Anthony running and fucking.

Can you take a co-worker to a monster truck show? They always feel like setups. Because I remember I was getting a job at a supermarket. I had to take like a 30-question quiz of like, what would you do if you caught someone stealing? And I was like, this old. Let him look and go. You know what you pay me, right?

Exactly. But I'm like, who's answering the wrong question? Who are you tripping up to be like, yeah, I steal at work? Yeah, I'd hate to admit it, but I didn't read any of the stuff I was supposed to read before. I got to the common sense questions. Yes, never. But I used to work at GNC.

I used to have friends steal stuff on purpose. I feel like everybody stole everything from GNC. Dude, GNC. That was like, everybody knew somebody. Like, my buddy works here. You can get you, you know, 50 gallons of creatine. I've never known anybody that worked at GNC, and that's complete garbage.

You are. Oh, dude, I worked at GNC. I worked at GNC in East Providence, Rhode Island. Were you bigger? Were you yoked up at the time? I was bigger. Yeah, really? I was like, I mean, I wasn't like a fucking.

You know, you weren't mistaken me for Mr. Olympia, but I worked out. And I would have friends coming in and buy shit, and then walk out the door and immediately come in and return it. Because once someone returned something, then it was opened, and it's a food product or probably too. So you can, and then we just all take it home.

Now, the smart. Saved a lot of college money. Oh, I love it. Glad you're feeling good. Thanks. Were you drinking a lot of water? I always drink. All I ever drank was alcohol or water.

I don't drink coffee. I don't drink soda. I don't drink juice. I don't even drink, because I don't want to. That's literally how you say that. My mom didn't let us drink sugar as a kid. She's like, no, you just drink water. Yeah, that worked out.

Got him this far. The only sugar we could have was the Martinelli's, the fake champagne. Woo! Yeah. Shout out. Special days. Every day's New Year's Day.

I'll tell you that right now. When you got a bottle of Martinelli's, I like the apple grape myself. The apple grape? Yeah, they got an apple grape. I don't even know what flavors I had. I just had with the. Probably straight apple.

Probably straight apple, yeah. I like you. I'm predicting straight apple family. Right at the middle. What do you drink? What is your preference? Whiskey. On the rocks, neat.

Just whiskey. And you were having one or two of those per day? One or two glass? Yeah, no. Oh, you weren't. You weren't drinking that much. Oh, I was drinking more than a glass. Oh, really?

Yeah. Fuck you. He squaffed at the one to two. I thought you were saying, oh, no, not that much. The pandemic, we were hitting it. Pandemic, we were doing half bottle to a bottle at night. Really? I was like, I was like, world's going down.

I'll go down with it, for sure. Go down with it, hey. With a fine single bottle. All right, well, that's good. They give you any pills or anything like that? Nothing at all. Not a fucking thing. All right, well, get out.

They were hitting me with the lauded while I was in, though. That'll get you. That'll get you. Yeah, it'll get you. It'll get you fucking. You can't shit for a couple of days. I didn't bound you up. Dude, I didn't even know what the lauded was.

But then they were, what was it? I asked for more because I was still in pain. Yeah. And they were like, you can't do any more with the lauded. Give you morphine, though. And I was like, oh, I'm above morphine. I thought morphine was at the top of the pyramid. They were like, nah, we'll give you morphine.

I was like, yeah, hook that up, sure. Morphine's pretty good. Morphine will get you going. I had an angio. Sent that icy, warm feeling cooking through your body. Feels like Christmas Eve all the time. It's so good. I had an angiogram not that long ago.

And they were, they go in through your arm to look at your heart. And they gave me, they said I would be in a twilight sleep. So I'm like, all right, cool. I'll get to, I'll be aware of it. You know, I'm going to get to enjoy it. I won't just be asleep. Hey, fucking real stingy with it.

I'm like, yo, buddy, let's go fucking. Yeah, top me off over here. Make sure the next one's full, all right? That's not six ounces, I'll tell you that right now. Let's go, buddy. Yeah, when somebody's controlling it and you're in a safe environment like that. That's how I want to do ketamine.

Ketamine's hot on the streets now. It's real. A lot of people are doing ketamine. Everyone's talking about ketamine. I want someone who, I doesn't have to be like in a real safe environment. I'm not a pussy about it. Can be a rage.

Basically, if you have ketamine right, I'll do it. He has to go to the ER for pancreatitis. They say he might be an alcoholic. They put him in the hospital. He quits drinking for a couple of months. Back on the horse. Start smoking. Now he's on the prowl for some gay.

Some special gay, baby. When I went to that doctor's, my new primary care, I had a list. He'll probably give it to you in the sounds of it. If I say something that might affect the pancreas, why don't you stop me? List and stuff on mushrooms, weed. I was like, just go with the whole list.

He's like, no, you can do all that. Now, a big thing, I always lie to them, because I lie to myself a lot. But when they asked you how often do you drink and how much, were you completely honest with them? Probably didn't even ask me anymore. Really? We got a pretty good idea, dude.

Got a bottle on you, so. I tell the doctors I quit smoking a few months ago. That's my go-to. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I quit a few months ago. How often do you go to the doctor's? I've been going a lot, because I just got insurance.

So I've been going through around. I'm getting all my shit done. Getting the work. See, but that's, you don't fucking ask questions. Like, really, what's the thing they tell lawyers? Don't ask a question you don't know the answer to? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you're asking doctors.

This is my first time. Well, they need to know that. Why? Worst case scenario, you die. This guy's walking the plank as it is. They need to know if he's. Yeah, that's the worst case scenario. I know.

So I started making a couple of bucks. That's not so bad. I'm out. The fucking, I, this is, that time visiting that primary care was my first time at a doctor since 2000. Since 2000 and. I haven't been to the doctor in a long time. 11?

Yeah. That's what I was a little surprised about. I would assume that you had nice insurance. I do. You go, that you would go to a yearly checkup regularly. Look at him. What do you tell, he looks like the bad guy in Sonic. What are you talking about?

Not going to the doctor? This guy plays it fast and loose. He just asked you for ketamine. I don't remember. I don't remember that boastful having those highlights. Those things are nice. This is Sonnen, not a highlight. This is the 80s, baby, coming back at you.

That's the most, that's the, you have money and you're doing Sonnen. Aren't you sponsored by a salon as well? He puts an air on his legs. Erica Fleischman, Fleischman Salon does not do color. She just does cuts, but the. I might have to go there. Oh, she'll take care of it.

Because you have to, is it part of the ingredients or the part of the steps of Sonnen that you have to get the son at a community pool? Does that usually how that works? Here, you want to hear some real fucking garbage shit about Sonnen that I learned? You don't, it's not the son that does it. It's just a habit.

So you can just do it with a blow dryer. I think I knew that. I did think I knew that. You can just fucking sit in your apartment and get some fucking tips. You can just do it in February if you want. Dude, guys, I gotta say, it's not every day you meet a master. This is pretty excellent.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you looking for an assistant? When it comes to, he was like born there. Like we've learned to operate in this world. He's from there. This is Bane, Batman, the Joker, and the Riddler. All rolled in a one with just a touch of cat woman.

He plays by his own rules this vital birth. This guy walked into the dojo with a black belt on him. Y'all hiring? Take on all of Cobra Kai and LaRusso all at once. Kip, let's talk about our good friends over there at Ladder. Ladder? Yep. There's been a lot of shake ups and industries lately.

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up to $200 off all mattress orders. Two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash garbage. Now back to the show. If you were telling a story I saw you posted on Instagram or whatever a story of you drunk, eating a bunch of bananas, smoking cigs, and some guy goes, hey, feets, I love you. And you're like, it's fights, actually.

I didn't want that kind of go home thinking. Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. There was a video of that? No. I heard you tell this story. No, you animated it maybe. Yeah, that drawing was really cute.

Yeah, it looked like a fucking strung out, Doug Funny. Which is painfully accurate for what I realized. I got news for you, brother. I've been listening to the beats too much. Yeah, I was at the bar and just took a walk, because people thought I was, people were surprised by that part. We're like, I go out for walks all the time when I'm with friends. I need a break from hanging out with people.

And I'll just go. Yeah, that's kind of weird. That's weird? I think that's one of those things like you get a little fucking, your social battery gets a little drained. Like, I'm going to go for a walk. How long are these walks? Not too long, 10 minutes.

I guess I go out to smoke a lot. Yeah. Not everybody smokes a lot. You go around the block? Yeah, I go around the block. I go pop in a convenience store, slam a water, eat a banana. I'm embarrassed of the healthy things I do in my life. So that's why I was saying by the trash barrel,

instead of in front of the bars. You take a five minute break from drinking for a decade, and you think a banana is a healthy thing. Like, if you were just like, hey, guys, I'm going to grab a banana real quick, no one's going to be like, what are you doing? What do you want? What the fuck's wrong with you?

I don't want the bartender to see me. So I was hanging out on the corners on the corner 28th and 3rd. And I was just like, I didn't want to be in front of the bar because they'd see me. You hang out over there a lot, right? Yeah, that's over the factory. I saw him at a show there. I was just at that show two weeks ago.

It's a great spot at the bar. Yeah, I was walking out of the show, and he's sitting there. He's got like fucking nine potato skins in front of him. The whole family's like, holy, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? It's like when I take a multivitamin at the office, I do it like under my desk, because that's weird.

You tell everybody it's ketamine. If you're doing like, I'll stand up and ask for a lateral, but if I'm fucking doing like healthy shit, because then people are like, oh, it becomes a thing. With your friends, like, oh, look, who's trying to better himself. It's embarrassing. He's doing lines of emergency.

That's all you, dude. No one thinks that. What are you telling me I got a weird brain? I was curious. I was curious. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Hold on, but a pin in that for a second. We were just talking about taking the pills.

What's the order of the pill? Is it water, then pill, or pill, and then water? Pill water. Pill water. What are you fucking, what is it? Like putting milked in cereal? That's insanity if you're doing the water and the milk. A lot of people do it.

To me, it's like a fish. You're just taking it everything. We just spoke with Mr. Jim Norton, who takes a sip of the water, and then sucks the pill in it and swallows it. And a lot of people in the comments were saying that's what they do. That's insane.

That's what I do with salty treats. Wait, what? Oh, actually, no, I still go food first. I like goldfish, cheeses, shit like that. I put a handful of the cheese into the goldfish in my mouth, and then while they're in there, I have a sip of water. Oh, yeah, that's classic bite and sip, of course. You've got to bite and sip.

That's how those snacks are supposed to be consumed. Oreos, I'll do it with everything. Of course. Dude, Kevin. I want to kick it up a notch. Do it with a nice, cold fucking Coca-Cola. I don't blow your fucking ass. My mom would be pissed.

What I'm saying is they go drink first, then pill. No, no, that's nuts. That's nuts. You're a dry pill man, I assume, if you need it to, right? I can, if necessary. I have bottles of water on the house, so I start a really good lock on the bathroom door at the bar. Let me get it down real quick.

What did you have for breakfast? For breakfast today, I had, I just do smoothies. OK. I have pre-packaged smoothies. Well, that's healthy. That's good. I did myself a little kale, a little spinach. Pre-packaged, what do you mean?

I just put little bags in the freezer. Of the actual already smoothie, or just the ingredients? And then I put it in a blender. I don't know, John. That sounds pretty healthy and pretty responsible. It is. It's unforgivable. It's lame.

It's awful. It's awful. We got a narc over here. Just to be clear, when I go to ask me what I have before I go to fall asleep, that's a totally different thing. It's like 10,000 skittles. Sour patch kids.

I got a bad, I got a fucking pocket in my bedsheets that I fill with sour patch kids and Justin's peanut butter cups. And I just kind of roll over while I watch TV in bed, and I eat that shit. That's a classy peanut butter cup, though, Justin. Those Justin's? About $9 a clip.

Don't blow your fucking hair back. People try and argue with me. They say Reese's are better. It's not even close. It is Justin's in a, no, Reese's is fine. I'm not anti-Reece's. Listen, Reese's are great. The best.

But Justin's is so smooth. It's all better. You can taste the money in it. Yeah, yeah, you can, you feel the crack. It's not, Reese's will bend in your mouth. Justin's cracks. And I'm a dark chocolate guy, too. Dark chocolate's nice.

Yeah, dark chocolate. They do it good. You do come from a good family, so that makes sense. True. Dark chocolate just happened one day. It was like I was a milk chocolate, milk chocolate, milk chocolate. For me, it was for like European.

How old are you? I am 33. Yeah, I think that. How about how long you've been on the dark chocolate? Two or three years ago. Yeah, that makes sense. You too, right? Round 30.

Yeah, the dark chocolate with sea salt, the landlady or whatever, will blow your fucking hair back. That's how when I quit smoking, I would just do like three of those a day. I want everybody to know I'm back smoking. Still on the dark chocolate? No, I'm off. Oh, wow.

I'm a man of one vice. OK? Dark chocolate is tight. When you were a kid, that shit was like, it might as well have been cat food. Right. Right. It was fucking brutal.

There was the her, she had a dark. And I remember, yeah, just know it was like eating ashes or something. I even remember when my mom was making chocolate chip cookies and she'd be using the semi sweet morsels, having a handful of those before they were in the cookie. Like, what the fuck is this? You know how bad something has to taste for like a kid to be like, no, I'm not doing the candy.

And that somehow they found the ingredient to that. But then it switches. It's like that thing in your brain where cilantro, is it cilantro? Yeah. Somebody would taste like soap. Yeah, I taste soap. You do? I do too.

It's more soapy for me. Yeah. Don't do it. I used to hate it, now I love it. Oh, I didn't know that gene could flip. Yep. Still smoking cigs though. We all want to burn one down.

I'm going to pack. What cigarettes do you have? Probably American cigarettes. Because I'm not even like back on cigarettes. I started smoking. Is it American spirits? No, they're Marlboro's. Marlboro lights?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're not reds. Gentlemen over there. I'm just going to say American spirits. I heard those take like 25 minutes. I'm a fast-talker. I got to get in and get out. Let's get my buzz on. I got bananas to eat.

I got bananas to eat, and doctors to eat. I got peckery and titish, God says. All right. This is what a fucking bonk goes for. What a tornado. This kid's nuts. Also too, I've said, because obviously you were one of the, I think you were the second Barstool person we've had on.

I think he was after Kate. After Kate, then you. And then we've had a bunch, obviously, afterwards. But you are still, anybody asks who we've had, especially from Barstool, you came on and you were like, there's no way, the only person to ever come on the show in the fucking two years we've been doing it or whatever, who's come on and said, I just want to state,

there's no way I'm garbage. That's what he said. He goes, there's absolutely no way I'm going to be garbage. He's a madman. I was in 14 seconds of meeting him. I'm like, you're nuts. Have you wet the bed recently? No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing.

No, I was a bit in a long time. Pandemic? I think, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't know for sure. We don't have all the data in front of me. Yeah, I think it's been a while. OK.

There's a stain on my new mattress. But I think it's. I think it's sweat. Sweat's not yellow. I'm pretty sure it's like a sweat. What, are you doing burpees? So I got a new mattress between the pandemic. It's a Helix mattress.

And I said, nice. It is a Helix. Is it? Promoco garbage. And I stripped the bed recently. And I was looking at it and I was like, where the fuck did that come from? Because I don't remember.

Look, I just got a stain on my new mattress. And I'm just going to leave it at that. OK, where it came from, who among us? Unfortunately, we can't leave it at that. So let's say here's the bed. About where would it be if an average size human being was laying on that bed? Was it in the genital region?

There's it in the head, genital, or feet region. I was going to say nipple. It's nipple region. So you're lactating. It's good news. Now it's a bigger, let's say, broad strokes vaguely nipple the knee. That's the middle third.

Well, your penis is in there. My penis is in the area. But it's also where I sweat the most. It's also covered all my sweat glands. I'm going pee. Without even putting eyes on it, I'm going pee. Plus to be honest, I don't really care where it is in the bed. Because this screw ball probably sleeps

in all different weird positions. I actually very, very often, and by very often, I mean 90% plus, I sleep on the couch. Really? Yeah, my air condition in my bedroom broke. And that was back in May, June, start of summer. You're just couching it. And I just didn't feel like fixing it.

And I haven't fixed it to this day. You can get a new one, right? Sure can. That's a whole thing, though. Wow. I'm a big couch sleeper. I've been a couch sleeper for a long time. I'm a huge couch sleeper, too.

I hate, as a kid, I used to hate what my. The couch is really big. It is a big couch. I love it. As a kid, my dad and my mom were the kind of people who'd be like, wake up, go to bed. I'm like, no, I'm in bed. If I fell asleep, I'm in bed.

I would get woken up every night at like 10, 45, or 11. I'm like, go up to bed. I'm like, I'm fucking snoozing. Yeah, how about you guys go to bed? I'm the sleep one here. Don't wake that guy up, but I'm going to bed. You know what's a real good time? You're laying on the couch on your side,

and you're facing out. It's the middle of the night. And you do that roll over and throw the leg over the couch, over the pillow. It's like a month in Switzerland, fucking good night. OK, so what's the same situation on the couch? Couch is good. Couch is so.

Couple of spots of melted chocolate, but that's. Also by the sweat glands. I have, for sure, fallen asleep with like a peanut butter cop or some bunch of crunch. You're like an alcoholic topper. That's crazy. He's nuts. You don't smoke weed, dude.

You smoke weed? Not really, no. You think edibles? I did for a while. I felt like a month, last January, I'm at edibles. And I go to bed so late that I would. What time do you go to bed? It's 3 AM.

Every day? Gibber take, yeah. And what time do you got to be at the office? Whatever. Yeah. What time do you get there, like ballpark? Tennis. Give a blanket on the couch with you.

Yeah. I keep a comforter over my head. At a pillow from the bed. Yeah, at a pillow from the bed. A pillow from the bed on the couch is next level. Yeah, that's sick day shit. That's fantastic. I'm like a fucking old Irish alcoholic who,

like they're in the middle of a divorce, but they don't have the courage to tell everyone. It's a little Jack Donaghy there. Shout out to Donaghy. But fuck, what were we saying before that? You get up, you go to bed at 3. Oh, yeah, yeah, with the edibles. I was taking them at like 2.30, 3 o'clock in the morning,

and then zonking out. And then the next day, I'd fucking drag ass all day. And I couldn't figure out why. And I was like, I was like, you're so high. I was like, I think I'm like in the middle of like a real depressive spiral. And then finally, someone was like, dude, I just think you've just been high.

Yeah, you've just been high. I was like, you're right. I'm only doing 400 milligrams a day. What the hell? I had edibles until 7 PM every day, and it was killing me. Pressure, insulin's probably fucking going up and down, left and right. All right, let's get into some questions.

Some are you garbage questions? Yes. Guys, so as you know, when you join the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on air. It's just the best way to dope because we have so many submissions. And we got a couple of heaters for Mr. Fidelberg right here.

Yeah, talk about looking at it. You got one of the best right here. Right now, this guy's bonkos. All right, this one's from Hugh. Haven't had a question right. Ever apply for a job and that you did not have the qualifications or experience for?

Fidelberg just laughed. Might be a little snag over at Lenox Hill Hospital. Oh, that's the hospital I was at. He nailed it. Really, you were in Lenox Hill? Yeah. Very classy. I went to the ER in Granz Village

and then they put me in the hospital up there. Did they take you in an ambulance from there? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Not with the woo-woos going though. Just like that. They just put me in.

They just put me in and then when we get there right the ambulance. It's fucking crazy. The ambulance. You're nuts. I'm sorry. What are the woo-woos? The alarms.

And did you ask the driver to do that? Siren. Yo, when we got there, the fucking ambulance driver goes, sorry it took so long. I was like, yeah. If only there's a fucking magic button in that car to get us to fucking there faster.

You're not dying, you're just an alcoholic. I can't turn on the woo-woos legally. Dude, you've ridden in an ambulance. It was like two weeks ago. Bro, I was in the ambulance two weeks before that too. For what? Same as oh, it was the same route. I was going from the Lenox Hill ER to Lenox Hill.

I woke up one morning just looking like a pelican. I had this huge fucking like goiter in my neck. They never got to the bottom of that one. Dude, take an Uber. You call the ambulance? Yeah, I wanted to. No, no, no, no, no, I live by the Grant Hill ER. And I just walk there,

and then they transfer me again from there to the hospital on the Upper East Side. So you've been in an ambulance twice in a while. You think I've been to 911 on myself? Hello? I will fucking die in my apartment before I call 911. I promise you that. You're the only 30-year-old that needs a life alert.

Yeah, fuck, Feidlberg's down again. What the fuck? But you've been in an ambulance twice in the last six months. That's correct? Correct. That's a new question. This kid's fucked.

How about the last time you were in an ambulance? This kid's worth every penny of his own life. This kid's fucking gorgeous. He's gold. I never thought of it like that. That is so tragic. Most people go their whole lives. Most normal people go their whole lives

out of every meeting in an ambulance. You did it twice recently. One for you don't know the reason, and the other ones are drinking too much. I do not. Even if I'm dying, I'm taking a cab. I'm not getting a cab. Because you're looking as they're going by,

and you're like, what's going on? Don't look nice. No, it's not. They're fucking all over. It's not like in the movie. Yeah, it's not comfortable. It's a bumpy ride. Nobody moves for you in the city.

Yeah, dude, especially without the woo-woos. You fucking sit in traffic at like 5 p.m. on a Wednesday, trying to get uptown, takes fucking forever. All because you like whiskey too much. Just so you know, a gurney, not comfortable at all. You got metal bars getting shoved up your back and asked the whole ride.

It's fucking brutal. Brutal. Hey, can I get some ketamine at least for the ride? Take the edge off. But to answer the question, I have never applied for a job that I wasn't qualified for. There was a time when I, earlier on when I moved to New York, where I was like, guess what?

How old were you when you moved to New York? I was like, five, six years ago now. So like, 20s. Did you come to work for Bar Swords? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the whole company moved down here, I think it was five and a half years ago, we'll call it something like that.

And it's probably a year or two into it. And I was just like, this isn't. I'm not doing anything. This sucks. And my idea was that I am going to join a big brother program. So I tried to join a big brother program in Brooklyn. That poor bastard.

And I applied. I tried. I tried. I applied. And they were just like, nah, we don't think you got what it takes, kid. Really? Yeah.

It's like, I just want to hang out with a homeless kid. And they were like, dude, there has to be a better role model for you. You've got to draw the line somewhere. I want to hang out with a homeless kid. They're not homeless. I'm trying to find someone who's on my wavelength. I'm trying to learn a couple pointers from this kid.

Look, I'm just trying to get someone to keep me on a straight and narrow. Don't you have a 70-year-old who's on my wall? Jesus. I'm not sure you know what the big brother program is. I'm looking for a kid to straighten me out a little bit. Like, look, I've been drinking too much that Friday night. I need a reason to take it easy, get up on a Saturday

morning, hang out with a child in a park. And they were like, bro. Yeah, that's what parents want. His fidelbergs sniffing around. Hey, lady, I saw sleepers last night, and I feel guilty. It wasn't technically big brother, but I honestly forget what it was. But that was the general gist of it.

They didn't want your kind. Yeah, they were like, well, you are. It wasn't big brother, big sister? No, it was like, I could figure it out. But you just hung out with them on Saturdays. Steady. And it was like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Here at This Guy'll Do.

We take any dirt bag off the street. Dude, that's even more trash, that's what I'm saying. And off brand big brothers, big sisters, you couldn't get in. How'd she and see higher yet? Who'd you lie to get in there? That's what I want to know. Fucking shirts on backwards, you're wandering around. Oh my god.

This kid's fucking screwballs. It's nuts. This one's from Dallas. Ever had a credit card with your favorite sports team logo printed on it? You got a red socks card, right? I've never had that because I've always thought that was garbage. It's a great question.

I've never had that. I can't tell you credit card scheme I used to run though. First off, get yourself a little brother. I never asked the kids for ID. No, back when I was in college, and actually it was like right post college, I was working at Barstow, I was making like 500 bucks a month. Had no goddamn money.

500 bucks a month? Yeah. I hope they give you a raise. And it was with no fucking money. And I used to get fucking, it's just like at the start of, you know like the Visa fucking gift cards? Sure. Those were just getting started.

Oh, this is right up my alley. I love a good Visa gift card scam laid on me. People didn't realize, really realized what they were. Sure. So I'd get like $15 gift cards and go into a bar. Oh, yeah. I think we might have talked about this on your show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big fan of that. Yeah. They wouldn't run them. Well, they just run it to make sure there's like, that there's like a dollar on there. And then I drink and then I just leave. Yeah. Wow.

That's, that's a, that's a, yeah. That's a scum shit. I can't believe the big brothers didn't want you. I've been paying for that ever since I started making money. We're like, now, now I tip through the roof. Sure, sure, sure. But back in Southie in 2010 to 2014.

Now, 2010 to 2012, there were some bartenders who probably got fucked. I apologize. Sure. Hey, it happened. It's every man for himself. They were desperate times back then. Visa's still looking for them.

Can't go near the Capitol one. The gift card band had struck again. This time it was at O'Malley Saloon. There's some bartender with valued customer on his kill list. I might find that son of a bitch. John Q. Card holder. We were going to ask you, what is your credit card situation now?

Do you have good credit? I have good credit right now. I can tell you exactly what my credit is right now. Please go ahead. But your credit score or how much credit you have? Well, how much, how much, how much credit do you have? I don't know what that means. Like what's your, what's your credit card limit?

Like if you could like 10,000, 5,000, 2,000, 10,000. Yeah. 10? 10. All right. I thought it'd be more, but OK. I don't ask. I don't spend.

When I credit card, I fucking, I just pay it right away. I've never like, I don't need it anymore than that. I don't like, bottle of whiskey is 40 bucks. One a day, though. That gets up there. Do you have an American Express card? I do not. I've never applied for one.

Really? I don't like, I don't really spend money that much. So I have my credit score. I don't know what that, I don't know what those things mean. So I've done my credit score. Sure. Whatever.

But yeah, that's, it's taking us 10. That's good. That's good. We're, his, we both just got ours increased. For a long time, he was 500 bucks, and I was 200 bucks. But we just, we just got it increased. I just got, I got. Is that a Visa Bucks card?

Your mom has to add money to it every month? Visa little guys. Little kickstarter, little training. That was, that's what everybody said. Like I just kept getting it denied, and they were like, you have to get one of those prepaid ones where you put like 500 bucks on it, then spend that 500.

I didn't have a bank account up until, I think five years ago was when I had an actual bank account. Yeah. Dude, see, I used to have, I had in college, I had one of those like emergency credit cards that like, I didn't use for emergencies because I'm not a fucking nerd. And I'd use it for everything.

And then when my mom realized I started using it for everything, she stopped paying it, but never told me. So when I was like 30 years old, I had awful credit. And I was like, because of all that. I was like, I've never even had a credit card. How can I have bad credit? And then my mom was like, oh yeah, I just, you have like $4,000 from college.

You owe back. I was like, what the fuck, lady? You weren't going to tell me about any of this at any point? Yeah, that's pretty crazy. I respect the move. I like that. That's fucking chess, not checkers. I like that she puts the screws to you.

Yeah. It's good to know that somebody out there is. She's like, well, you thought you were going to the movies on me all college? I'm like, yeah. I'll ruin the next seven years of your life. You think I can't, John? I don't care.

I hope wedding crashes was good. This is going to cost you $14,000 now, OK? Did you enjoy fucking couple's retreat, John Henry? That was an all right movie. When I went to see Alone, it was one of the more depressing ask you'll ever see to a 16-year-old working in a movie theater. You at least got to buy two tickets now.

Two for couple's retreat? You don't say one. Listen here, you little lady who shots a hot topic. Fucking run the car and run the ticket. I'll get the fuck out of your face. That's with Vince Vaughn, right? Yes. It's no breakup, but it's all right.

Yeah, it's it. No, it's all right. Favaro's in it. Bateman. Bateman. Faze on Love. Maylan Ackerman. Faze on Love, yeah.

Love, Faze on Love. It's a great movie. All right, let's see here. Oh, this is one we wanted to talk to. This was a big device of one a few weeks or last week. Do you put your pants on? Oh, I waited on this one. OK, do you play?

I forget. And then you're team Foley. I think I'm with you. Underwear socks, pants? He probably goes socks and then gets in the shower. Puts a pot on his head. Who knows what this guy does? I put my tub socks on.

Wait, so what do you do? I go, actually, I usually go, OK, here is the thing. I usually go socks first. Before underwear? Before underwear. This guy's fucking, hey, how do you get kookier than that? Because here's the deal. I don't take the time.

I don't have good towels. You know, like some towels dry and some towels don't. I just bought good towels, like they came today. But good towels are usually shit towels. I use Brooklyn in the fantastic promo code garbage. Brooklyn is a nice towel. You don't like the thick, fancy ones that are soft. You like one with a little bit of grit.

I like some fucking sandpaper. I don't get it off you. You can't get it off you. Here, the water. This guy's out of 10 all the time. How do you get the water off you? Like, it's bad or something? He's a crazy person.

Take an extra 10 seconds. That'll get it off you. I feel like you have many trampolines in every room. He's like a lemur. He's like on the fridge, and then on the door, and then sleeping on the couch. He's at the hospital. He's not at the hospital.

He's everywhere. You should be running a chocolate factory in England. This guy's just fucking screwy. Holy shit. All right, well, here's what happens. I don't fucking dry. I hate drying. I hate taking the time to dry.

So when I get dressed, I'm usually still damp. Me too. I'm damp at worst. I'm damp, OK? I'm not wet, but I'm damp. Sure. Now, if you get dressed damp, if you put your underpants on damp, you kind of, it just keeps that dampness in.

It's swampy. I know what you're talking about. It's swampy for a long time. It's swampy almost all day. But the socks are the same for me. The socks are the hardest thing to put on if they're a little damp. But the feet are the easiest thing to dry.

The feet dry fast. The feet, the foot's a quick dry. There's a method to his madness. But so what I do is when I put my socks on, I sit on my bed naked, obviously. You're out of the shower. I'm out of the shower. You're not 100% dry or you are dry?

I'm not 100% dry. But I sit in my bed. And because when I'm sitting down, I guess fucking everything opens up, the sheets dry. The assholes. The asshole, the whole undercarriage, the whole thing gets dry. Your sheets are probably a mess.

Why is it fucking clean? I just got out of the shower. I just scrubbed it up. Is the cleanest my asshole ever is? It's post shower. I would start there maybe with the stain investigation. Just FYI. It is always where I sit in that area right there.

There you go. But it fucking tinctures. It absorbs everything. Because if you get dressed damp, it fucking ruins your day. The asshole's always the wettest. It's always the wettest. But when you sit down, and sometimes I'll be nice about it.

It's got a good point. Sometimes I'll lay the towel down and I'll sit on the towel. But that is. The towel's already wet, though. It's not the best. It's best to go comforted. Because the comfort is a shape shifter, too. It'll get in there.

It's like foam. It's like Terminator 2 metal. Dude, that poor memory phone will never forget. Yeah, I just want to say, you guys are both skinny dudes. As a fat guy, what you're talking about, this is a life or death scenario. I have to make sure everything is arid dry down there. I use a hairdryer.

That's how I do it. I make sure everything's dry. And then I have a sun. Put a little sun in it. You like those, eh? It's not the sun. New splash, little trick of the trade. It's just the heat.

My pubes got tipped. My taint looks like an 80s skateboard movie. Play for keeps over here, boys. It is. But that move, you see that a lot with old guys at the gym. You don't see it a lot with the younger fellas. That's a nice move. It's a great move.

If you got the tiny, because it takes a little while, it's also a little dangerous. For me, for me, it's necessary. What heat setting are you cooking on? High. Oh, yeah. I'm hot, too. Blast it out.

Yeah. Not even warm? Hot. Hot. It's dangerous. You're going like five? I need it dry. People's lives depend on this.

If that starts getting sweaty and starts kicking up, it ruins Thanksgiving. It would be uncomfortable, the heat. That seems like too much heat. I run a little hot down there to begin with. Listen, you do that, and then you get the, uh, the, um. WD-40? It becomes a layer of acrylic, and then a terracotta.

Now you get the spray, um, uh, what's it called? What's the, the powder? Dr. Browner's. No, no, no, sorry. Uh, fuck, Dr. Schultz. Calcum powder. Calcum powder, but the goldbond. Goldbond.

They got spray goldbond now. Is that, I think that stuff's not good, right? That's all that, that's really bad, I think. Yeah, whatever. Finals burns, Dr. said it was OK. Tell me over some martini. He was hand-free to me, Molly, at the time. I'm a big, I haven't done it, but there was a stage in my life

where I was the big, we used just the Johnson and Johnson baby powder, but it was like, you fucking open that bad boy up and squeeze her down. So good. It was, I had one time, one summer. It doesn't make sense to me at all. It's like shoving a cup down. You never used it.

That's crazy. You've never done it? No. Keeps it fresh and dry. If there was a Dwayne read across the street. There would be a pancake down there by the time I was done. It is, in fact, just talking about it is going to get me back on the train, get me hooked again.

Get the spray, baby. Get the spray. It's fucking divine. It's fantastic. You can get like the menthol flavored too. Flavored, fucking scented, whatever you call it, feel it. You get that cool rush. It's fucking nice.

But let me tell you what I don't do is sit on my bed and let the fucking sheets dry my ass. Well, you sleep it on the couch. Which is what you do, you fucking psychopath. And you put your socks on while your noodles hanging out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here's the immediate flaw with that. What if you got to go back into the bathroom?

What if you have to go near where your wet feet step? Have you ever put fresh socks on that's stepped in water and then gone and put your shoes on? Night's ruined. I think it's a little more wet for you. No, I'm going to say, no, it looks like I did cannonballs in the shower. OK.

He's probably a wacky. But even though it was insulting, Kevin is correct. It is very wet when I get out of the shower. It's fucking, it's wet. There's been a time or two. There's been a time or two where I put a fucking wet shoe, wet sock into a shoe. But it's rare.

It's rare. When did the underwear go on in this process? Right after the socks. OK. So the underwear is sitting next to me while the socks go on. OK. And then as I get up from bed, boom, on the pants on. OK.

All right. And then it's been in. And it's because we have a long sock guy. It sure is a long sock guy. If you go ankle socks, you can put on whatever you want. Well, this is what we talked about this. He goes, I'll give it to you. You can go ankle sock.

You can go pants and then ankle socks. And then I said, well, I, for the past, I don't know, 20 years of my life, I've only worn ankle socks. He's like, that is insane. That's like fifth graders do that. No, I was going to say that I didn't know that you were a full sock guy. I find it exclusively full sock.

I find it incredibly triggering and disturbing. And it's freaking me out. Why? Who's still a long sock guy since the fucking ankle sock? The ankle sock is fucking cool. But his is more of a fashion choice as well. He does the cuff. That's on his jeans.

So he's got the cool, sad boy shoes. Check them out next time they're restocked. He's got the cool shoes. He does the cool canvas shoe. You wear shoes like that all the time. Yeah, I had a lot of sneakers. And then he does a pair of high socks and then cups the pants.

So you see this. Yeah, he's a cool guy. He's crazy. Check me out and Murray Hill this week. I've been looking fresh. All right, I'll give you that. That's pretty good. But I still think it's weird that you wear high socks.

There are times when sometimes I wish I had an ankle. I don't even have any ankle socks. Come over my house. I got plenty. I could just buy. I could get some right now. They'd be at my apartment by the time I got home. But I just, I don't know.

I'm lazy. Big ankle sock guy. I got a couple pairs of high socks because I'm a gentleman. I think it is part fashion that you like the high socks. For sure. It's also half crazy, too. You got that from when you were a kid. I bet you were a pull them all the way up, kid, weren't you?

No, there was a phase in my life. That's why I said to you it's for fifth graders and people that don't call it is the ankle sock. I used to fucking high. What's wrong with you? He's proper. Sometimes I just stare at him as he's like, this guy's nuts.

I'm talking to a crazy person right now. Cal is just where we got abortions in college. All right, so hold on. I have a question that you might be able to weigh in on. Do you remember before? I think we might have talked about this before. Ankle socks really dropped mid to late 90s is when they really fucking they really dropped

and they were readily available everywhere. It's great time. Did you ever have to make your own ankle sock? Oh, yeah. How did you do? Hell, yeah. Did you like a lot of people would you pull it up and then roll it down?

Hell, yeah. Like that. That was a good one. That was good. Your food ends up looking like an uncircumcised dick. What I would do was sometimes. I would steal my mom's and cut a little, take the little, ripped a little ball off.

You're, what? Yeah, like a little. Wait, how many pairs of little ball socks do you want? Yes, a lot. Is your mom a candy striper? That's crazy. Does she exclusively wear those? Your mom a backup singer for Frankie Valley?

What the fuck? Yeah. High school Japanese girl at a whole drawer. Also, what grown woman wears those? What mother wears those? I can see she was seven. They were sporty. They were when she wore her sneakers and her shorts.

She had a little ankle socks and they had like a little puff ball on the back. We know what you're calling. Who could forget sporty, spicy socks? They were sporty. Yeah, I'd rip them off and use them as ankle socks. I'm the fucking weirdo here. No, your mom is.

Mommy. I would sometimes not pull it all the way up and then tuck under. Wait, hang on. So like, show your foot. So I would pull the sock down. Like, I wouldn't put it all the way up. Pull the front of the sock out, and then you pull that under.

You pull that under? Yeah. That's all you had to do before fucking, you know, Haynes got their shit together and started issuing out ankle socks. That was a crazy time. I was walking around in a pair of cargo shorts with knee eyes on.

What the fuck's happening over here? America was in disarray. All men walk around uncomfortable, like we're women in shoes or something. It was nuts. This doesn't even fit. My shoes, my socks, my foot's squeezed in here. It was boncos, what you had to do before ankle socks.

All right, let's run through a couple of questions. This one's been fucking boncos. This one's from insignificant others. Have you ever taken your own coosie to a bar? Are you a coosie guy? No, I'm not a coosie guy. I don't usually have to beard my head long enough for it to get warm.

I don't think a handle eject Daniels. They don't make coosies for those. Jared, put a t-shirt on your handle eject Daniels. I've seen people do it. People come to the shows, or live shows, and they bring their own coosies. I got a friend. I got a friend who does it.

Yeah, I never got it. I went to college in Florida for a bit. I was at my Eastern Seaboard extravaganza. And I was in a frat there. It was a good weekend. So I was a frat boy for, I was never a frat guy, but I was in a frat. And I'm sure at that stage, there was a little coosie action

going on. But nah, nah, I'm over that. That's forgivable. Yeah, of course. College was a wacky time for everybody. What's the most amount of alcohol you've ever snuck into an event or venue? None.

I'm sure I've done a water bottle of vodka, but that's the most. I've never been a sneaker-inner. Really? I can see you in a duster with fucking nine handles on you. Like two kids in a trench coat turned to a radar movie. I had a credit card on me that I thought my mom was paying. I had no problem fucking buying shit.

What are you talking about? This kid was paying retail. Man, I don't worry about this. Don't worry about it, fellas. I got us tonight. Bali does. Nah, just tell her it's an emergency. Yeah.

I had to go to the Pats game. She's getting alerts on her computer. Oh, John, you foolish boy. Falling into my trap again. Are you a guy that would wear sneakers out of the store? You go in and get a new pair of sneaks. You wearing them out? I was a real young kid?

Fuck yeah. Yeah, I got a pair of. Wearing them out as a kid, you felt cool. Yeah. God, dude, fucking prereq. I got the Emmett Smiths. I had those, the pennies. I wore those out of the store for sure.

The Wayne Gretzky's, the little-known sneaker. I don't remember those. It looks like a goddamn combat boot. It's insane. Yeah, it can't be cool. I think they were. It's like an ice skate without the blade on it. They were like LA Gears.

I think I remember that. Yeah, you know what? It's exactly what it was. It was an ice skate without the blade on it. It is fucking. That was one I had to wear that on. So it comes with hockey laces. Was LA Gear and LA Lighthouse the same company?

Holy shit. These do not look cool. They look like snowboard boots. They're combat boots, dude. It looks like. What in the fuck is that? It's like a Polish Marines over here. It looks like some shit that Hitler Youth would wear.

That's got Canadian written all over it. That thing is tough. Just wearing those with a pair of shorts and t-shirts to school. It was like a fucking lunatic. You wonder why I was wearing high socks all the time. I'd get blisters on my shins from my Gretzky's. I'd get blisters on my shins from my Gretzky's.

But what about as an adult? Do you think that's lame if you wear them out of the store? Fuck yeah. It is. Yeah. You shouldn't be in a position where you need to wear the shoes out of the store. I did that maybe two weeks ago.

What are you talking about? You went in there like. It was barefoot. Yeah, like on your rims or your fucking shoes? I went in there in flip flops with socks on. I drove there. It was at a Dick's Sporting Good in Plymouth meeting. I was going to buy new sneakers.

I was going to get new sneakers. And I was going somewhere afterwards. So why would I wear my old sneakers? I wore my flip flops on my socks. How many sneakers do you have? One. Two pair. You have two pairs of sneakers?

Two pair. How many kids do you have? Kids? Yeah, it sounds like a dad move. I got the ones I cut the grass in and then the ones I go to work in. What do I need more than one pair of sneakers for? I don't know.

What if you were in a different color pants one day? No kids. I do. You had no kids. That's what you took out of that? You answered his joke. You know we've met before, right? I'm glad you think I can support a family now.

I'm actually a fighter. No, I got these ones. These ones that I'm wearing right now. No socks. What do you have there? Periditas? Yeah. And those are hurting.

These are ready to go. Did you say you bought those a few weeks ago? Would you go visit the Amazon in between? No, I bought another pair. Did you go off-roading again? I bought another pair that I don't like that are in the trunk of my car. Those things are what's.

That's the Witz-Fidelbergs match. Fidelbergs sitting on them things recently. What is underwear sitting next to it? I've gotten big into shoes now that I was always, that was a big thing for us being so fucking poor, struggling comics. We would literally have to, we would trade shoes sometimes. What?

If I got a pair of shoes that didn't fit or something, we would wear them and be like, I don't like them. We'd give each other old shoes. No shit. Especially if we had something coming up. He's got this coming up, give him the jacket. Yeah, something like that. We were sharing clothes in the shoe.

It was bad. Or we had holes in our shoes all the time. So now, over the past three weeks, I've bought in maybe 12 pairs of shoes. Yeah, that's. And I have the ones that I like, and I just buy four pairs. These are really, these are all fucked up, but I have like four of the same ones,

just still in the box from, and it's like my claim to fame. Here's my problem with that, why I can't, why I don't have a bunch of pair, which I'd like to have a bunch of pair is, I go and spend all your money on useless stuff. Fair enough. I go into a store like Dix, they have these, and then you go back the next time

and they don't have them anymore. It's some other pair. But if you like them, buy that pair online. Do they sell them like that? I thought it was like, I thought it was, they were like bagels, like they made it, they made them some for a little while then they stopped making them.

Sneakers? Yeah. Like, you went to bagels. Everything's food. What you're saying is wrong. Like, it's just wild to be like, I thought they were like bagels. Like, you're right, their shoes have limited runs.

Yes, that's right. But you can still get them. Just because you're like, say you go to your Dix and your Dix is out of that shoe, Dix online somewhere still has those shoes. Or Pacific Sunwear or Footlock or somewhere. Do you still have a name? How do I figure out what the name of the sneakers is?

The Air Diabetes. Air Insulins. So that's what I'm going to do. I like these sneakers. I'm going to go home and figure that out and I'm going to order five pair. So I'm going to wear the same pair of sneakers. A lot of, I think you're thinking more of like,

like the shoes that end up on like StockX and shit like that. Like, those are like the most. You know what that is. I don't know what that is. He doesn't know what that is. Is that a pick point? Is it on TikTok? If it is.

They're like the exclusive Jordans and stuff like that. They come out on a drop. He just thinks like a pair of Adidas or like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, like a few years. I think you got a little while. If you can buy a shoe with like a finish line, you got a little while to buy it to keep buying that brand. I thought it was like every couple of weeks,

they get rid of them. It's not a salad bar. Like how they put out, like now like Dunkin' Donuts has like, you know, pumpkin this, pumpkin that. Why are you going to fresh baked goods? For clothing. Why is that your equation? I don't know.

Fresh sneaks, fresh bagels. Wait, Foley. Sounds right. What's the last thing you purchased online? What's the last thing I? Yeah, you're not an online guy. Are you? Neither.

I like that. Oh, I purchased a, I got a hooker. Done that. We see a hooker just watch the prannels with him. What? Yeah, we come with, we, this is like probably when, probably around the time I was fucking scamming credit cards in Southie, we just have hookers come over

and we just meet my roommates. We just, we just watch the prannels. Yeah, they just come in and we'd be like, yeah, we're just going to watch the prannels. And they'd be like, okay. And you wouldn't have sex with them at all? And they wouldn't fucking, wouldn't even touch them. We just give them a little break.

And we'd be really fucked up. We'd be like really drunk. We just thought it was funny. And it was all a little inside joke. We thought it was hilarious though. I don't hate it. It's a pretty good bit. Like then at first, like the first five minutes,

they're like, what the fuck is happening? And then they realized that we're just watching the episode of the prannels. They kicked their feet up and it was like, this is great. That story came from me asking Foley what he bought on the line. I guess. They said I got the brothers. And he blurted it out like a six year old.

Yeah. It's just me and my friends that can hook us watch the prannels. What? What'd you say? What'd you guys say? What? To answer your question, to mature this up a little bit,

the last thing I bought online was a die-cast X-Wing fighter for $136. That's a Star Wars thing? Yeah, thanks for maturing it up. You bought a Star Wars toy. Die-cast metal to collect it. You'll probably choke on it, so why? Why?

What? Why? You answered his joke and then did fucking fact check mine. Because, OK, there's multiple reasons. One, you're immature, you might choke on it. Two, you're fat, might think it's candy and eat it. Yeah, that all checks out. I mean, I'm having a good time.

All right, I got one more and then we can wrap it up. This has been fucking cuckoo bananas. This one I've never thought about. It's from Tom Peay, which is a fantastic indicator on trash or not, I feel. How do you pronounce Ralph Lauren? Ralph Lauren. No, Ralph Lauren, sorry.

You say Ralph Lauren. What do you say? I don't know, what did you say? I said Lauren, but I said it wrong. He said it trashy, right? No, he says he says he says Ralph Lauren. But I said that. I said Lauren.

But Ralph Lauren is how it is. It's I say it Lauren, but I think it is Ralph Lauren. I believe the correct pronunciation is Lauren. I say Lauren. That throws a wrench in the hole, man. I feel like I thought it was Lauren, and the classy way would be Lauren. Little European on it, you know what I mean?

But I think he's American, isn't he? I would say Ralph Lauren. It's Ralph Lauren. Yeah, that's what I would say. Ralph Lauren. It's Ralph Lauren. T-Bone, what do you got over there? Hang on, hang on.

Let me see if I can make this work. All right. Ralph Lauren. But that's Google. That is Google saying that. Yeah, but that's not how he pronounces it. And that's fucking AI, too. That's Sierra.

I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Pronounce Ralph. There is another designer named Greg Lauren, who I think he's possibly going to get. Ralph Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. Ralph Lauren.

Wow, that doesn't make sense. How do you pronounce Ralph Lauren? Here, hold on. Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lauren. I think it is Ralph Lauren. That guy's sound like he had money, too. Here's bottom jaw sticking out.

I so which is like, it's almost like fake, not trashy. Because I definitely said Lauren my whole life, and I think I fairly recently learned it's Lauren. But he said, how do you pronounce it? You said Ralph Lauren. I said Lauren, but it's not. Because I was just saying it correctly. I think it's, I said Lauren.

It's like the girl's name. OK, so it's Ralph Lauren. Yeah, I got an official statement from Ralph Lauren saying that it's pronounced Lauren like a girl's name. OK, so you're a jerk off if you say Lauren. Yes, Ralph Lauren. You're trying to be fancy. But it's Ralph Lauren.

Right, yes. Yeah, Ralph Lauren. Yeah, it's a little like Lace Curtin saying Lauren. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like Kanoli, or something. Buddy, you're the fucking man. This has been a fucking banana's one. Thank you for that.

I'm glad we got you back. It's been so long. I'm glad I got to come in. I've never been in here before. Because you have been in Zoom. You have proved a little effort of why you are garbage royals. Royals.

Top notch. And maybe belongs in a mental institution. I'm not sure. I have to have to talk to his doctor. Definitely a 30 day rehab facility. It's much we know. What do you got coming up? Anything you want the folks out there to know?

We are doing KFC radio. Obviously, that podcast. We're doing the with you guys. New York Comedy Festival. New York Comedy Festival. We are at the Gramercy Theater on November 12th. Friday, I think it's like the earlier show. I think it's like 7 p.m.

I don't know exactly. 6 30. I was talking to KFC last night. 6 30 it is. Friday, November 12th. That is our show in the city. And come on out. It's going to be, excuse me, I think

we're looking on hiring a circus act to open for us. So we're going, we got to clear things. We're going to hire. They're going to be naked for it. Apparently no nudity allowed at the Gramercy Theater. So that's it. I'm out. We're trying to figure out what we can have naked circus

people do on stage, but it's going to be a hell of a show. It's going to be hell of a night. Absolutely. That's fantastic, buddy. Gramercy Theater. Look at that. I'm looking forward to it. Don't miss that one, gang.

Kippy, what do you got for him? Same thing. Philly and New York Phillies almost sold out. There's, you know, maybe what we're talking about. 30 tickets left in Philly. Get those fucking tickets. New York also part of the New York Comedy Festival. We're going to be at Gotham on November 9th at 7 p.m.

Get those fucking tickets. That will sell out. And then we're going dark for a little bit. No, we're not. I just lied. We picked up three more dates. We're going to be in upstate New York in December. But that's it.

Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.