Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Fighting Demons w/ Big Jay Oakerson

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Big Jay Oakerson! We're talking demons, dream body's and how to be the best dressed at a wedding. You know Big Jay from stand up comedy, his new special They/Them, Kill Tony, Matt and Shanes Secret Podcast, Legion of Skanks, The Bonfire, the Joe Rogan Experience, Whiskey Ginger, Stavvy's World, Soder Podcast and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Aura Frames: Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat at https://AuraFrames.com. Promo Code: GARBAGE Blue Chew: Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code GARBAGE -- just pay $5 shipping. True Classic: Upgrade your wardrobe and save on True Classic at https://trueclassic.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang tickets for the Back on the Block Tour are going quick, baby, so get them ready, getting is good. Yeah, we're coming to San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Burlington, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester, and Toronto. All tickets available at RUgarbage.com. We'll see yous on the road. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

Oh yeah. It's a little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Or just a big old piece of R U Garbage. It's a little show. We sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, A Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's down at the DMV getting her real ID. Wanted to remind everybody that the deadline's coming up. He writes what he knows. He's struggling with that at the moment. My

co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Pay no mind to him. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman. He's my best pal in the whole wide world. And I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify, gang. Check that out. And obviously obviously the greatest website of all time

WWW.patreon.com such are you garbage go ready to get all that bonus content and go get some live tickets the boy the back on The black tour on sale right now gang We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us today One more time for the final episode of The Chronicles of Jason. After this he will be donated to the Frito-Lay Institute for further research and testing to be cryogenically frozen. It's time to get inside. Studied for years. Inside man. He has not one but two specials out on YouTube right now. It's a double part them and they crowd work special proving once again

Why he truly is one of the best stand-up comedians working today. Give it up for big Jay Okerson Double album hitting them with it Smashing pumpkins so blown away you guys have stopped smoking So blown away you guys have stopped smoking. I know I saw you think it's I've been thinking about He flicked he came over where he's like so what do you do not even just want to smoke anymore? I saw look at and go and just flicked it over the balcony. What the fuck am I doing? I'm gonna be the last asshole Out there by yourself should be your next matter if your friends who smoke are wheezing, coughing, having trouble sleeping, migraines,

anything from, as soon as they stop, you're like, fuck yeah. You're in it together. When you're all dying, you're like, we're in it together. How about that feeling, have you guys gotten rid of the, or do you still see it? Maybe you don't even do it. When I'm at an airport, particularly, when you go outside to smoke before I go in.

We used to love it. But not even that, it's looking around. When I see an 80 year old guy go in we still love it, but not even that it's looking around when I see an 80-year-old Yeah, see I do that I'll be outside smoking or something like that and I'll look around and I'll see like the grossest woman ever Oh, yeah, start hitting on like a lady like a lady. I'm 37 Like this built like a pirate. And I'd be like, fuck, what am I doing? And I think about what I look like.

People see me smoking, they must have been like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? He's not gonna make it. Flying a little too close to the sun, this big fella. Do you guys have a hard, hard time the first couple weeks? I will, see, I wanted to quit. I was like, oh, I'll quit at the beginning of the year, the beginning of January. And at the end of the year the beginning of jit in

January and at the end of December I got real sick COVID or flu whatever the fuck it was and I was out of commission for ten days And I was like hey, man if you're gonna do it. You're already ten days in like just fucking roll with it That's great. That's the move. Yeah, not me. I like marine crawl outside He's on a radio I was over it. I confessed to him today. I had a couple on Thursday. I was dealing with something. I had a couple. But it's funny. Is it real ID? God damn it. Can't find his DMV. Did you get yours by the way? No. I'll have Tony get it. Mike Fennoy just told me he was at the airport today and the guy was

so nasty because he used his passport. It's not even time yet. But he gave the passport and he was like, he goes, and he scanned and he goes, he goes, it's not working, give me something else. What? See, fuck that, what? And Mike was like, no, no, no, he goes, it works. It's a passport. And he goes, I don't have my real ID yet. And the guy was like, that's obvious. He's mad at you for not getting it yet. It was your ID, relax. I went to get a new ID a couple years ago. That's not. He's mad at you for not getting it. It was your idea, relax. I went to get a new ID a couple years ago. That's not happening. Right over here.

Must have been in the late 90s. No, no, no, like two years ago over here, and they were, it was still like, they've been threatening the real ID for five years now. Well, they keep pushing it. I feel like they're gonna push it again. Nobody's gotten it. I feel like they're going to also.

Yeah. I think it's already past that 11th hour. I don't know it means the fifth today. They got two more days The 11th hour By the time this comes out will all be screwed, but they really make it seem like it's like you're totally fucked Like or I could bring my passport right yeah, but I saw something today. That's what that's you mentioned Finoia dealing with it. I was curious to get some Intel They said that if there might be a separate line for people with the pad like if you don't have the real I say pre-check I'm not taking my goddamn shoes off now fuck that and then they said it could be an extra

Yeah, they said it could be an extra half an hour. What's this all about anyway? What's this halibane? half an hour what's this all about anyway what's this halibane make sure you're not on the list or nothing shoe bombs trying to cut that on shoe bombings it's fucking bullshit it is bullshit i don't mind carrying my passport though when i went to i feel classier when i have it on me anyway me too yeah we went through the airport the other day And we we were a smaller air from Minneapolis. I was small airport. It was like you know sometimes It's like all gates this way all gates that way so we went to the one and it didn't have TSA pre-check But there was no line, and it was like the TSA pre-check was like a 500 yards away So we're like I'm like I'm just fucking going through here. I'm not going all the way back I Turn around because we had to take our shoes off. This was weeks ago. He wasn't.

He was bringing up old shit. It's the last flight we took. I turn around and he's standing there. Well, yeah, it's like belts off, shoes off. You're standing there like you're an intake and fucking Pelican Bay. Spread your ass cheeks and cough. They're hitting you with the D lousers. Slick back, what was that? Was that American V? Sl like back your nuts and hold your dick back To grab your set Eric. He's a deep cut that Edward James almost Shout out to him

Every got out and he was so used to prison that when he had sex with a girl for the first time he just flipped her Over and aggressively but yeah, yeah, I don't think that's how it works. I don't think I goes I miss butt fucking he was the captain in Miami Vice. I always loved him. He was. He always, him and Dane Cook and the two people, I was like, I would describe people's cheeks as that, if someone had those cheeks.

Edward James Olmos cheeks. Sure, sure. That's a very, that's a big- I didn't have any socks on is what he's gonna say. He's standing there, no belt, his pants are falling down, and he's barefoot in a, to just like fucking pterodactyl toes. And I have not had a petty in a long time. That just reminded me of...

You lived under a bridge. This is good garbage. I went to Vecchione's wedding. Down in Florida, right? Yeah, yeah. And I've lost weight and I... You look great, bud. I look great, buddy. Thank you, and I know I know that so I told uh Christine was meet me down there and I go egg. He's bring like one of my black pairs dress pants That's sure and black shirt. That's real bad. If you don't know the wardrobe Well, they're all the same size doesn't matter. I was like, I was like and they're gonna be a little big on me So I was like, you know, make sure you bring a belt. I got a belt

That's even sweeter people are complimenting you you. It's baggy, huh? Sure. Yeah. Except I was even thinking to myself, I'm like, oh, maybe this is a tuck the shirt in situation. That's what you're thinking. Maybe. Has that's been a while for you? What was the last time you tucked the shirt in? Quite some time.

It's been quite some time. 15, 20 years. It's been a long time. I mean, where I've yeah, my wedding. That's pretty good, though. Yeah. So that's's been a long time. I mean, where I've, yeah, my wedding. That's pretty good though. Yeah, yeah, so that's a long time ago. But so I was like, maybe I'll tuck my shirt in. And then when I'm putting the clothes on, first thing I put the, I go to pull the pants up,

where the shirt already looks hilarious on me. It's so wide is what it looks so funny on it. So it's like, it looks like I'm wearing my dad's shirt. Sure. And then I go to put the pants on. I mean, I pulled them up there, not touching my body at all. Yeah. Wow. I was like, shit. I was like, well, thank God I have a belt.

I go put the belt on. It's suspender pants. There's no loops. I'm finding this out 30 minutes before we're supposed to be at wedding. Did you have suspenders on you? Nope? Why would you what I had was a carrot top Robin Williams what I had doing your Gallagher bits anymore What I had was that belt that then became I wore it I Left the shirt untucked Okay, and I put the belt around the pants like like a hillbilly with a rope keeping up his jeans. And then flipped him over? Yeah.

Whoa. And then had to go like that. Everyone's going, hey, man, why aren't you dancing? I can't dance. Jay, we know you love to dance. Why are you not out there on the dance floor? I do. I have a song in my heart.

I love to move my body, but I can't tonight. They would have fell. I'm only doing slow dances. Every time I moved around, I felt like it was starting to come through. You had to pull it back up. You got your heart-shaped boxers on. He was likeers on why are you dancing? I don't want to dance It's stupid just sitting there with your jacket still on what is it so that's a lot of weight loss

Have you done mean those fit right? Yeah, those are new yeah 36 What's I sure you doing excel to it what do you sell yeah? 36 Let's go! What size shirt you doing? XL? Too wet? What do you think? XL, yeah yeah yeah, XL check. A 36?! God damn fucking supermodel! It's under the belly still. Yeah, right. That's alright. You're not a gentleman either.

That's okay. What do you think I am, Matt Damon or something? It's not even a great example. Matt Damon's chubby. I wish I could get that a Matt Damon size. We bought a zoo, Matt Damon. I ever tell you that? I had surgery. We bought a zoo I would tell you that I had surgery no Vincent and I You'll appreciate this I had surgery like middle range bodies. He goes what am I fucking Michael Rappaport?

Thinking I'm gonna fucking buy an extra large shirt Surgery on my arm and my in my hand and I couldn't put my, they were jean shorts, I vividly remember it was September, I wore jean shorts to the hospital. Nice. So I had to wear, I should have worn like, the band school. Going in the way you want to go out. Slide you right into the casket if it don't work out. We have Sabu from ECW coming on skanks tonight.

And I was, so I watched a documentary about ECW again, I watched it a long time ago, and I was like, oh, that's what it was, that's why it was my time. The late 90s, dude, jean shorts ruled the world. Everybody cool was wearing jean shorts, and I even let go of that. It's funny, because even dads were wearing them, and they lived in separate lanes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's about a three inch, four inch inseam between father and ghost face killer. Yes. It, you know there's a better three inch four inch inseam between father and ghostface killer Yes, it really is. Yeah Yeah, but I had to have my mom cuz they you know your bigger guy jeans are typically tighter on you You know what I mean, and I had to have her button them, and I remember she was like Didn't had never button pants on somebody with a gut Let alone her 12 year old little sweet boy, and she was like do you go above it or under it? Oh, I can do it. She shut up. You know my mom got the job at casual male big and tall so she could afford

She was regional manager She worked her way up the ranks of casual male big and tall she brought that the other day again I was like can't be with Tommy, but can't be with Tommy Bah, big and tall. She brought that up the other day again. I was like, you got that job. Can't be you and Tommy Bahamas all through high school. My mom called me the other day and goes, this is such a funny thing. She goes, oh, I remember when I was younger, when I worked. She was me and my friend Janine went out to a club.

And at like 4, 15 in the morning, we got the idea. We left the after hours. And we got the idea drunkenly like let's drive To the corporate offices of our job in Boston and she goes so we started driving right then the Boston She's only got as far as New York though, and then we just kind of like bad idea We just we just slept in a we slept in a parking lot went home And I was like corporate offices for what company and she goes big and tall cash mail big and totally this is what I was alive Yeah, you were nine. Oh, I was like where was I she was with your mama like that makes sense

You're at Bubba's house. I was at my mom's man. That's it, but my mom is like damn Is that what you were doing in your downtime? What was he gonna do trash till 415? I don't know like she's in the fucking place She was my club. Jenine's are always hot my mom was a manager of a retail place So it was just hot young girls or friends. It was great. It is funny now watching them all age though I saw Jenine not long ago to get in my show in Philly my mom brought her and I was like You see you're like, holy shit. You feel terrible Cuz I'm I'm she's like she's oh my god. Look at you. You look great You're like damn you are look at you you look great you're

like damn you are look so much not as great as when I remember you were so young and hot when I remember what happened that's funny my mom's friends watching him get like obese through the years yeah then when I was younger I was like damn she's got the best tits smoking yeah and now you're like she walks with a fucking something that has like a fucking tennis ball on the bottom of it she's got the four thing that the four point came for broke she has an elbow pad like a carpal tunnel hand rap buddy that is the sign the girl any lady who's always got a fuck oh yeah dude like what have you done in your life throwing turkeys that's a lot of hand jobs if you meet a girl at a bar at this point fucker that night you're

Definitely hear the sound of that velcro You're gonna slide it off It's got that sweat on it clammy It's gamey inside warm. It's it. It's like 10 degrees warmer. Oh you see her forearm hairs matted down My mom has a knee brace on all the time like it like it like a I don't know one of those like Ion eyes it Yeah, did you get them at Target? I can't tell if you're about to play softball or what it's nothing just existing just just rolling around It's extra humid today I can feel it in my knees. I'm the girl

Years ago me and Kareem Green were getting set up by a girl to get robbed in Maryland who said she was gonna fuck us both I think you told us yeah, and she was wearing a She had a wrist guard Why we did she got that in a fistfight? Kareem was down cuz she was white. I was like I'll get us a white girl. What about the risk on you look past? She's a good girl. Yeah, she's only jerking off one of us at a time probably That's funny, so we were thinking so we covered everything with with the Chronicles of Jason a lot of the time period Yeah, a lot of the time periods. We said a couple general things

that just kind of tie it all together. Sure. I had a situation, I was telling him I had a situation with a spider the other night at my brother's house and I'm just curious overall what frightens you the most? You afraid of bugs? Creepy crawlers? Yeah. Ghosts? Dark? No ghosts, no ghost. Maybe ghosts. No, cause here's the thing, I don't believe in ghosts. But in the dark I believe in everything. Yeah. When you said dark that was very telling. Cause like in the dark I believe in all of it.

It's unknown. Could be a goblin, a ghoul. I say when I go, anytime I had a basement in my life, including when I was in Long Island with my ex-wife for a little bit, when I would put clothes, anything in the laundry or something at night, I run back up the stairs. Yeah, me too. I jog up the stairs, and again, I don't believe in any,

as a grown man, I don't believe in anything, but it's that if I look back, and it's just the kind of like, it's like David Lynch-y scary stuff. There's gonna be just like a weird face. You know what I mean? It's like my father's face or something floating, just something that's like David Lynchy scary stuff. There's gonna be just like a weird face. You know what I mean? It's like my father's face or something floating. Just something that's like,

that's disconnecting me from reality. And I do fear that, but it's not ghosts or a haunted place or anything. But if said, if you turn off the light, I don't wanna do any of the things that would test it. So when you look back, what would be the scariest thing you could think of that you would see?

What would scare you the most? Would it be a rat? Would it be a demon? Would it be Slender Man? Well, I mean when you say rat it sounds like it should be rat and then you say demon I guess the demon Yeah, I don't like rats, but I never went face to face with a demon. Yeah, I don't know It's like I can tell I can say with a rat things that I find are gross scary Like that like like like I don't want to touch me or bite me or anything. Sure. Anything like that is a fear of icky, though, you know what I mean?

Gotcha. It's more like touching it. But that goes away, you know what I mean? If I had to pick up a rat and kiss it on the mouth and hug it to get away from a demon. You know, as you do. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't even think twice. Right. Kit, what do you know about aura frames? A know, as you do. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't even think twice. Right. Kit, what do you know about Aura Frames? Aura, Aura, Aura.

I love Aura Frames. Of course you do. And Mother's Day is coming up. What's the best gift you could get your mom, the broad, even grandparents, uncles, aunts, anybody? What's the best present you could get for a broad this Mother's Day? Listen, it's Aura Frames and I got a little beef with Aura Frames. Why? I'm pissed. I've already given everybody Aura Frames and I got a little beef with Aura Frames? Why? I'm pissed.

I've already given everybody Aura Frames. I can't double down that. I've given them my mom's got one for every goddamn room. It's that good of a gift. Upgrade, get her the nice one. The good stuff. I've done it. Aura Frames, ladies and gentlemen,

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Do yourself a favor, score a home run this Mother's Day and pick up an Aura Frame. Yeah, you wanna stay in the will? Aura Frames. Cash. Keep these broads up to date on what you're doing. Got two words for you, Carver Mat. Yes.

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and check out terms and conditions apply do it Okay, let's talk about blue chew, baby owner alert owner alert Calling all you soft noodles out there and you limp dicks. I'm one of them not only a spokesman I'm also a client player president you get a little older you put on a little weight things start slowing down a little bit The T's not the same as it used to be It's a little water down if you know what I mean Do yourself a favor the next time the mood strikes you and the lady or the guy or whatever you're up to Do yourself a favor and get some blue chew. We're talking about the same active ingredients as in Seattle's

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free when you use the promo code garbage. That's a lot of sex! Just pay five dollars for shipping that's promo code garbage visit bluechu.com for more details important safety information and we thank BlueChu for sponsoring a podcast dead. Yes we do. I remember one time I called Kurt Metzger over my house because there was a dead mouse it took the bait and died but I have no masculinity in me to pick that mouse up with a paper towel or anything. Nothing? A shovel? Nothing? There's nothing I could have thought of where I would have been okay. If Kurt was never

going to come over, eventually I would have shoveled it or something. But it's, when I tell you that me and my ex-wife were in a knockdown drag out fight one time, just going at it, full yelling, it's awful in the house, and I was cleaning, like just to kill time or whatever, just like fuck this bitch, probably complained to her, and be like you don't even clean behind the stove, and I moved the stove, and there was a dead mouse back there, and it's just because I was so, my mind was so somewhere else, I think I kicked it

into a dustbin and like threw it in the trash, I didn't think twice about it, but if only my focus is on that mm-hmm. I'm like I get like girly like yeah creepy crawlies so demon I Guess the answer would be demon I got a weird thing with spiders if I'm like walking and I walk into one like one Shirts gotta come off off really yeah in my head That's in my hair, and you always feel them even though whether he's there

You feel him go down your neck, and I got a fuck you I'll get in a shower jump in the pool or something I watched I watched a video the other day it was a body cam of them Finding that they traced an IP address back to this house where they're getting child porn. Okay. And they're catching the son who's a 30-year-old, definitely borderline retarded. I know, yeah.

It's the mom and the dad and him are standing there in the driveway. But to me, what's the funniest thing about the video is they say about bugs. I know he's just doing this because they're asking these difficult questions about what he's doing. So you have lots of child pornography and For the entire 45 minutes this interview. He's like well One point he cracks himself in the face just trying to like kill imaginary bugs in her there He's just like I'm sure there are

Overreacting so much because he doesn't know what to say No, look. I mean it was it was Mosquitoes killing you guys Was sent to me by some guy. I don't know websites I guess I go on Just distracts Big can of off Say we take the night we'll come back here fresh tomorrow you saw the video before you saw

Because it was like the father and son or the mother and father? Yeah, if it's the one I'm thinking of. The parents- He's wearing a shirt that says, dick is the birthday boy. Yes, yes. Yeah, that's the one. And that is, so I don't know if I'd explore this as a joke on stage or anything, but I watched so much of that body cam stuff and interrogation shit, and I go, man, nobody

dresses for the day that your son's gonna murder somebody because there is nothing funnier than coming in to be an advocate for your son while he's going through his murder says I'm with stupid Marvin the Martian it's like something ever makes sense looney tunes something I'm with the axe murder relax the caught off-limits. He get relaxed. He didn't do it. The clothes are always when they come over. One, I just saw one where they caught incest.

The mother was fucking one of the sons. And they brought her to the house and she's wearing her like tank top, like Kiss 77 to her. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I love him. Sir, you're going to take off your Margaritaville hat, and have a seat. The enjoyment people have over this. You want to put your yard down, we have to talk to you. As they always, dress like you might be interrogated

later that day. Sure. Dress like you might be on body cam, do not show up Marvin the Martian, it's so funny. In the most heinous situations. If they were bringing you down would you want would you get a kind of a minute to change yes yeah yeah they did what on your good chain wallet yeah sorry guys is this gonna be a film I trust yeah I have for legal purposes your body cams running right now you got to tell me they are oh lord

I have dress pants upstairs if you guys want to see. Does anyone have a belt by any chance? You guys have a set of suspenders. Actually, funny for the first day after the wedding, by the way, I will say I used a belt, like a loop belt. Not a loop, I mean the belt with a buckle. Like belt on the, then when I went back up in the middle of the wedding and I was like,

this isn't working good enough. The belt is not staying tight enough. I also have a magnet belt. Whoa. Which is pretty nice. I'm wearing it right now in fact. It's that tight? Huh?

It cinches that tight? You can make it as tight as you want. No, but I'm saying it holds that tight, the magnet's that strong. These are heavy duty magnets, these ain't fridge magnets. You wanna try this magnet? Is it strong? Strong magnet.

That's crazy. That skinny guy shit, he just whipped that off. He's a new Big J. Let me see that. Yeah, it's strong magnet. Holy shit. Just wipes all the cameras. Everything flies here. It's the strongest magnet. Damn, that's fucking like a university level strong That's like the utility belt Bart Simpson got it put it back on there. You see you took it off real slick down Who is he Matt Damon? I'm not Al Borland for God's sake. No, I'm just busting your chops. Buddy, 36 is fucking, you're there.

That's unreal. Yeah, now it's the, now I gotta worry about looking like a fucking flying squirrels Wait you start contemplating things like she's like a tummy tuck like a bitch Just join the X game I just go extreme it is what once you've damaged your body as much as I have for sure It is so funny to kind of have to come back to the reality of like that situation Yeah Yeah, I was like you look good. He goes yes you my shirt. I've got a real Like impossible to change damage to my body Yeah, I think about that all the time and like that's one of the like the bad excuses that gets in your head

He's like well I'm gonna have to get surgery for all that loose skin and like the least of our problems you got going on right now I know a guy who lost a bunch of weight. He got a tummy tuck. You gotta get a new belly button That's what I mean. They got a new belly button at very best if you get a tummy tuck by the way your audio listener He just put that bill on sitting down sitting down is what we call the business in e-mini a tight little body tight little ass on that kid Tlb tight little body Tlb tight little body fuck are we saying? Oh, new belly button.

Oh yeah. The tummy tuck, at very best, if they don't, I'd rather have them, I know they do sometimes where they take the belly button off and just move it completely as it is. I'd rather that when you see them get a tummy tuck, their belly button's always like a straight line up and down. That's the tell. I don't know, I wouldn't mind. Would you do no belly button?

It's nothing at all? Does nothing go alien? Can you imagine freaking people? He goes I wasn't born Immaculate conception Every picture of Jesus have a fucking belly button he's always shirtless. That's a good point whoa I guess he was born. Yeah, he was was born right yeah we all thought the same thing just three funny when I was like holy shit just took down the Catholic Church

oh no right are you the new Pope what the fuck are you like now he was born. Oh, yeah, you're right. Twenty five hundred years of Christianity down the tubes. All those pictures and statues have belly button. He's two beers deep. You know what? I think I got it. There's a bunch of cardinals in the Vatican right now. Sir, the guy in the loose pants foiled us. We're screwed. We told you not to let him get skinny. He's got all his brain power. Oh, shit. He's not worried about eating all day. Wait, did you just have a belly button?

Oh, I would love to fucking... Man, we just bought... That's how stupid we are. Wait a second. Get on that! And then I'm so afraid of getting any kind of the surgeries because I went in for a consultation

to get a consultation to get a To get liposuction in my above dick area. I was thinking about what to get a bigger hog No to get the mound down a little bit bigger. I'll give you a bigger hang a big hang That's a bigger hog in my book. Sure listen I've also I've also been to said constant You take the mound down a little bit take the mound down Go from a softball mound to a baseball mound two things that took me away from this Was going in first of all the lady receptionist knowing exactly what I was there for and then giving me a stack of paperwork

80% of which was going like you're probably gonna die on anesthesia. Mm-hmm. So just let us know that you don't care. Mm-hmm So all that kind of got me nervous. I'm like, why is so much anesthesia. So just let us know that you don't care. So all that kinda got me nervous. I'm like, why is so much anesthesia on my pieces? And then I went in and the guy, it was just me and the doctor, and he goes, drop your pants. I don't know why I didn't think he was gonna say that, but of course.

We can do this all with my pants on. I got a new belt, that's the whole thing. Well, I wasn't getting, this is just to see what he thinks he could do. Can I just draw it for you? He goes drop your pants to your knees Hard okay, this was go. I was trying to get hard before he came in it never works And then I was uh and then he comes in and he got drop your pants your knees I go okay, and I do and then he goes walk over in front of this mirror. I'm like ah

so I shuffle Over to the mirror any shoes... Shoes on still. Yep. Shoes and pants. He swings his chair over to me and I mean he is eye level with my dick. And he just, in the mirror he's just like so, he's facing me, I'm facing the mirror. And he goes, so this is what your penis hang looks like now. And then he just put his hands on either side of it and he just pushes back my

Dick mouth he goes and this is how it will look after and I went okay All right, so I'm gonna think about it. Leave me alone. This is what it looks like in my mouth Would you like to see what it looks like inside of me? It was so I'd I've walked out I was like no, I'm okay, man Yeah, the anesthesia that's because those are long procedures inside of me. Wow. It was so, and I walked out, I was like, no, I'm okay, man. Yeah, the anesthesia, because those are long procedures. That's another thing to think about. Do all that work, you lose all the weight, you go in and you're about to start closing

hot ass because you're skinny, then you fucking die on the operating table because of the anesthesia getting the belly button put in. I know, they fucking- Yeah, might as well just stay 450. I know a weird amount of- That's what I'm saying. I know they fucking... might as well just stay 450. I know that's what I'm saying. I know a weird amount well listen there is something the idea that you were like I wish I could have gotten down to like Burt Kreischer type fat my dad had that kind of fat too and I that was never mine mine was always like

mushy kind of. Me too yeah. That solid It looks so much better when the belly is just like a hard ball doesn't hang and jiggle Yeah, you have the good legs though bird has the good legs you have the good legs I got the I got the I got the the what's-his-name Who plays for the roots? Oh Yeah, I get the quest lunch lady is Quest love is building a pair. Yeah, I got he comes out from behind that drum. What the fuck? Yeah Couple of bass drums in there looks like a queen termite or something like that. No disrespect. Obviously you got it, too

Yeah, my legs were always fine My ass is a mess awful Now I say I say it's never sure I go on by the way including my own if you're will Is this my camera if you're willing the audience is willing to pay for me. I'll get a fat ass Brazilian butt lift I'll never pay for myself, but I will get a fat ass I've paid for by the fans you guys want to see me with a fat juicy. I'll do it you hear that Gotta run you 15 grand something like that I don't know if you want to see my friends if you want that right I guess there's got to be great ones because People keep getting them done all you hear about is the horror stories, and I see the stupid ones

Like I've seen like yeah, we're in the city of the ladies walk around with like it doesn't make any sense It comes out the side. I just saw an episode of miss Pat settles it where a guy was suing a plastic surgeon Because he was supposed to get like 300 CC or 900 CCs in his he was yeah He was getting it done and he only had like 2500 bucks or whatever He only had half of the money So the lady put in half of the of the CCs of stuff and his ass don't look right And he was suing her because it didn't it did he need it more? It is funny to not like your own ass as a man.

And then go on television and be like, she fucked my ass up. Yeah, yeah. It don't look no good. My stupid ass. It's sad about that at all, so you never thought you'd worry about. Yeah.

Balding, sure, but your ass not being great. Yeah, I've kind of, I've kind of just say it's never, nothing's ever gonna be great on me. I got a bad ass, got a bad hog, bad body. Yeah. It's gonna be what it's gonna be's ever gonna be great on me. I got a badass got a bad hog Yeah, body it's gonna be what it's gonna be it is what it is As long as I got bad hair as long as you could judge it up nice though He shows you you probably look great in a tuxedo not really no, but you do I bet you wear a suit, okay? Mm-hmm. He doesn't know I've my move is I stopped going

You know I got this from mr. Volcano as well. He goes, I don't do shirt and tie anymore. All he's like, I've I've worked enough. I've accomplished enough that, like, I just don't look good in it. So I just do like a. Kind of like a knitted shirt or something like that. Sure. But no, no, no, no button down like in like a light sweater or something. Did you have a jacket for the untucked shirt at the wedding now So you just had untucked regular dress. You have a jacket. Do you have a tie? No dress like no miss Pat settles it

We're black dress pants in a black dress shirt untucked They probably thought you worked there I didn't overthink it and I will say that uh One of Becky owns friends who's not in comedy, who I know sort of, like this was, I was already dealing with all of this the whole time, and then right before I went to go put on my magnet belt instead of the leather belt, that guy just said to me,

he goes, damn Jay, I thought maybe we'd even get you in a suit jacket for this event, huh? And I was like, you're just fucking asshole. Fuck you, dude. This is fucking terrible. Yeah, I'm gonna go get my magnet belt and then see what yeah you know what I'm sorry we're out of your pants I'm gonna ruin your credit cards I started thinking to myself I'm gonna have to fight tonight I should probably seal these up with some magnets I'm gonna pull my n1 shorts on I gotta fuck this dude

hope you don't got a pacemaker in fucking short-circuit your ass in a one what a great character they had for that mascot until it was nothing anymore Just a blank face. Yeah All right, let's do some cues for mr. Oakerson well speaking of a wedding too This was this was a recent one we had talked about I don't know if you've ever been in this situation But we were we kind of got a little bit of flack. If you're, get invited to a dry wedding. For it could be dry for whatever reason,

it's a dry wedding. Is it wrong to have a couple of drinks before and or sneak in a flask or a shooter or something like that? What are your, would you do that or would you go, I'm flying high and dry the whole time? Maybe a couple before if it's brought up. A booze isn't my advice like that really. You'll be smoked up though.

Yeah. You're the only one at the table currently drinking. Yeah. I don't know. It's not open yet. That's the second one. Oh, it is? It will be the second one.

OK. You would just get high and be like, I can just. Yeah. OK. Fair enough. But if somebody before the thing was like they were like hey, there's beers You want a beer in a shop before we go in I go sure But if that wasn't presented I'm not like searching like let's stop at a bar. Okay before we go me either. This has been

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Grab yours at Target or Costco or head over to trueclassic.com slash garbage to get hooked up today. Now, back to the show. Back to the show. This has been floating around the office a little bit, too You're having a couple. There's a couple parts to it. So Let's say you're having a housewarming party or whatever Everybody's coming over some fringe people not so like your tight circle. It's you know associates or stuff like that

First of all is the upstairs off limits? For you of my house yes are the are the other bedroom doors all closed and kind of all It's a not not not day to day. You're having people over. Yeah, you're having a party. Yeah, uh No bedroom doors open. Yeah, okay. I think I'm saying I don't have anything Humiliating out. Okay worry about I guess there's a, there's a master bathroom in your bedroom, right? Sure, yeah. Now what if somebody had to use the bathroom to go number two, and they wanted to use that bathroom, would you be okay with that? When there is a ample hall bathroom.

I wouldn't love it. I wouldn't love that at all. Okay, let's say it was fully. I mean, we have bidets now, which is nice, so you're gonna be clean when you get out of there. But you're dumping downstairs anywhere near that party, I could ruin that party. It's true. I say he's gotta go home. I say that's the end, the party's over.

And the second part is, if you go to a party like that, okay, say you were at, not Lewis's house, because I feel like you guys are too close, but like, I don't know. Say you're at a family member like a really You know not like you know I'm trying to Christine's family or something like that Something where it's an away game, okay, and you got to do a bad a bad Don't wear the high-level emergency right now. Yeah, okay? Let's say a Louie there at Louie's house Louie's having a party okay, Louie's having a party at his new house or whatever There's a bunch of people there all all that stuff. You gotta take a dump.

Where are you gonna go take that dump? Oh, I... What are you gonna do? Before I would go there at his place, unless he had like, hey, there's a super private one in a place that no one will know at all. I'd leave, probably try to find a Starbucks. If I really wanted to stay at the party, I'd leave and try to find a Starbucks. And if I couldn't find a Starbucks, I'm out. I wouldn't return to the party. Irish could buy the whole thing.

And just go home and poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you wouldn't make the move there? No, but as I say, who knows what time will bring with situations? Because I have learned, I'd say in the past year When I get off the plane or get to the airport Even if I wake up always early enough before if my car is picking me up at 430 to go to the airport

Uh-huh, I wake up at 4 to definitely try to shit just to let your body. Hi. Okay. I'll give it a shot Now the problem with doing that sometimes is your body's not ready to shit. Sure. But you've now started the process somehow. Systems engaged. And when you get to the airport or land on the other side, if your mind's on it, you might not be able to get away. So I've learned how to shit at the airport.

And just, I learned where to go. I've learned which ones to use. Delta Lounge is pretty solid They have bathrooms that are just individual bathrooms as apparently for families Yeah, and me there's families and just me because I'll go in there and drop one for sure I always have wipes in my bag Ready to go so but at someone's party No, I've been my worst time. I had to leave and come back that was horrible was Eagles Super Bowl

against the Patriots 2017, right? Mm-hmm. Where were you? We watched it at the cellar. Okay. Me versus Bobby Kelly, basically. We had like two factions of people sitting watching it. That is a tough bathroom.

It was, well, I didn't go. VU? I went to the VU. Yeah, that's you. I had to go so bad at halftime that I still to this day have never seen was it Justin Timberlake halftime show? Never saw it because as soon as that thing when I was like I don't think I'm gonna make it we were eating so we brought in cheese steaks and Bobby brought a six-foot hoagie and there was cellar wings and and the perfect storm

was happening inside of me and I went over and I had to go to the VU and I went downstairs where the attendant guy was and I'll tell you what, came back feeling a million bucks though but never, not emotionally a million bucks because I wear that the rest of the day where I'm like, I shit. I feel everyone knows I just took a big shit. And even if they don't, I'm like, they know because in my mind I'm always like, I wiped, I wipe as good as you can wipe.

We talked about that before, it's you, problematically wiping. I'm right there with you. Problematically wiping. You feel like there's still some on your butt, they see it, they smell it. As soon as I leave though, exactly, as soon as I walk out of there,

even if I've cleaned two knuckles deep of white toilet paper up my asshole, I go, there's something on my cheeks. Something I've got on my cheeks or something, I didn't wipe my go, there's something on my cheeks. Something I've got on my cheeks or something. I didn't wipe my cheeks and maybe it's on my cheeks. And then the next time, and then I start phantom smelling shit and start going like,

and that's our answer, you guys smell that? They'll be like, no. I go, yeah, I don't know, I must be crazy or something. I just test in the waters to see if it's me. It's poop paranoia. Poop paranoia. So you wouldn't appreciate me pooping in your bathroom? I have so many loose poop friends.

I'm over that thing at this point. Yeah, Josh Edemeyer's, Dan Soder, these are guys who will just drop anywhere and take a shit. Hey, I have to go in this room right next to you and take a shit. Listen, I think that's fair as comics. We share green rooms, we share hotel rooms, we've shared all of this stuff.

That's fine as comics. It's like a prison cell. Yeah, it is what it is. We live a little outside the boundaries of normal life. He's doing it at a family, like a non, these aren't com. These are like normal, it's Christmas. He's pooping in someone's bedroom at Christmas. That feels like a big swing.

I appreciate the, you're not gonna let a, I've had having to take a shit ruin a night for me. Or a day. You don't let it get in your way like that. I appreciate that. Maniculsion. You know, I gotta shit, I gotta shit on a shit. Will you get up at a restaurant and be like, I'll be back?

Yeah, if it's- Yeah! I appreciate the shit of that. I also think, I mean, if you're pooping at a restaurant, that's you. It's like a psoriasis medicine commercial. You've missed not gonna let taking a dump ruin my day. I'm out there living my life. Cut scene, you in a toilet.

Now that's 20%. If you have moderate to severe bathrooms. Oh, oh, oh, he dumped one. I, in a restaurant, also also if I have to take a shit in a restaurant, I've mistimed my day. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I've never... Dude, you're in a restaurant for 90 minutes? I've never had to do that mid-meal. That's not even that, it's like, I assume before I go out to eat, if I go out to eat, I've tried to, I've already aggressively tried to empty my body so I can eat. Okay. Do you

know what I mean? Like I want to eat so I try to like if I go in there feeling at all like I'm full Or have to take a dump. I'm I'm not gonna want to eat. I've never been at a waste of money in these crab legs I've ever been a dueling pianos bar in Philly nice hi to me Going out. I got a nice button up on Express probably put it on my Express credit card never paid And I remember I got a she I got a shame or out at night It's like a club and I got a dump. It's doing pianos play We're not pulsations It wasn't red sky, what do they do with a dueling piano play?

So they like, two pianos. At the same time? They wait for a drunk girl to get up and slide on top of them and start singing some dumb songs. They can just like improv every song kind of and if they don't know it that's half the thing. So they go back and forth? Well just like one will play a song or two then they'll get a request. Say it's me and Jay. Say we're each piano player. Okay. you want to request I want to request. Hey, I gotta take a shit There's a man in the bathroom dumping. Hey, can you sing that song? Can you give me five minutes?

I'm gonna go see if I could Scrawl one out. Oh man if you the piano playing you disappear for ten minutes and come back one sleeves rolled up I uh, I was in the bed, it was like one of them it was like two urinals and a stall and I got a, it's, I'm, you know, it's bad. And uh, I was in line, I was trying to time it to where it's just like

I'm the, I don't want to have to be like I got a shit so I'm, I'm hoping it dimes out so then stall opens up and I can just go in the stall. Cause there's a line, I don't want to announce to the line that, you know got to take it dude. You got caution tape on you Seal yourself in doing piano, so you made me love you. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it So then the guys like a urinal opened up, and I'm like now like the guy behind He's like oh there you go. I got a small dick. I go that's all you man. I got it. I got to take your shit, and he

I think I got a shit or something. I don't want to do it in I mean it was like knocking at the door bad, and I get in there, and I immediately let loose and The two guys peeing they were like bullies. He's like you believe this that two guys peeing and they were like, boys. He's like, you believe this fat guy pooping at the club? Ah! And the one guy goes, how bad is your day that you didn't take care of this?

I was still, I didn't know. They're talking about you? Yeah, dude. Hey, fuck you guys! I could have grabbed his ankle. He was right there. I mean, you know what's funny? When you're taking a shit in a public bathroom and farting, it kind of goes with what's happening.

I kind of get that. I still say I would probably pull a cheek with my hand. Yeah, you got you do a little bit. You try to dampen it. Yeah, a little bit. When people are at the urinals just cracking ass. I think I say so as I go, oh, like I feel like, oh, is that that's like old baseball coach shit. Yeah. Old guys doing that. Yeah.

Old guys do that. Just crack a glass loud and a bit of urinal. Got your arm on the wall. Brrr. Do it. Ah. The Phillies are winning. All right.

OK. It's enough potty talk. All right, let's see. As you know, when you sign up at a Patreon, we'll answer your garbage question question This one's just funny This is from Adrian is it garbage to hit the heavy bag at the gym? Like a pro in hopes that the owner who runs a boxing gym watches the security footage and discovers me I understand that level of delusion

You know if they just get to see me just like you're fucking really making making a heavy bag I'd say yeah, it's definitely garbage. You ever get into that you ever hit the heavy bag or any of that boxing shit at the gym Did you ever have a heavy bag? I have a heavy bag really? Yeah when my mom let me at one point Your stepdad was is this that in heavy bag stuff at all. He was weightlifting only. Where was this hung up? Because a lot of them are hung up improperly. Who this one was.

Yeah. For sure. My mom let me at one point, so we lived in a duplex. Walk in the front door. I think I told you when the guy busted the window. Right. When my stepfather came in.

So it was one flight of steps up was one apartment and then two more flights up was our apartment that was in the basement the scary basement had Wash two washing machines two dryers each apartment had one a set and then there was a door that went to the two garage thing mm-hmm Which nobody you ever parked in ever. So my mom told me at one point that I could do whatever with the garage.

You get to the point when you're a kid, you're like, I wanna do something that's my own. And so I made this terrifying dark concrete garage, just like a hang spot for like sleepovers with my buddies and stuff, where I put like, just blankets down there. I think they let me put like a really shitty I think it was a black and white TV that we still hooked up Nintendo to mm-hmm and it's got the garage door right there and

the garage doors and then so the track for the garage door I hung a half oh my bag from like you know the the track yeah we're gonna like clip on there's is the only metal thing and I mean all I remember about heavy bag from the track where it could clip on there. This was the only metal thing. And I mean, all I remember about heavy bags from that thing was what I never bought was gloves or wraps or anything. And you realize it hurts quick if you just punch it with raw fists. You're just punching leather.

Yeah. And so I probably, if I just say I punched and kicked that thing 15 times total in my life, cumulative. You walk by one time I just give it like a rocky like elbow or something old bag We was shiny when I got no marks on it when we got rid of that thing My dad got one from a buddy at work that he worked with gave him one. I was like you were gonna set this up

I'm gonna be fuck. It's probably February. I'm like I'm gonna be yoked by come come summer I'm not no t-shirt in the pool for kipper Reno I'm gonna be fucking shredded We never hung it up and it just leaned against the wall in the basement and I would be down there fucking slugging home It's the wall. Thank you. You already got it down Got it down So you fight a guy that's sleeping Wait for your old man to fall asleep

Mama leaving I just want some far as dump hell of a name ever go to the bar on crutches That's a tough look. I've seen it for sure big chick move. Yeah the chick in the boot. Oh, yeah I just saw I saw this was maybe a couple years ago I was down in Wildwood, New Jersey very guy was in an Allen Iverson shirt Jersey Allen Iverson Jersey no shirt on under the Jersey just the Jersey. This is adding up Someone tucks in a Jersey There's a Cuffele comic named Michael Rage used to always show up in a Jersey jeans, yeah and a prostitute

And he had a neck brace on at Kenan's. Kenan's happy hour. And he couldn't really chuck, he had to tilt his head back. I remember he was crushing coronas. This guy is fucking in it to win it, dude. You ever have a neck brace? No, never a neck brace. And anytime I've had crutches, for even like broken ankles and stuff,

I'm so bad at them that I'd rather just hobble. I just never quite got the motion. I would use them like they were forever crutches. Like I'd move with them. Yeah. And I'd go, this is not how you're supposed to do it. Like you're hiking or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Nordic tracking.

It was almost like an elliptical. I could never get the motion down. I could get the motion. And I'm like, am I supposed to put all of my body weight on my armp'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm the best season was he was either too short or something like that but he had to have the arm crutches. Yeah, the ones like the ones that you get

when you have like cerebral palsy. Yeah. Yeah. He was not for injuries. Yeah. Yeah. He was rolling around. That's where he's got wrist and elbow grip. Yeah. The handles in the front. Yeah. **** He was rolling around in them. I was like,

god damn. This guy loves booze. Uh yeah, I never uh I I had crutches I was on crutches for a minute and we had that they hurt my under I was a fat kid So they hurt my my under pits and I remember my mom wrapped like kitchen towels around it with duct tape That was like that. Yeah They were mismatched at that day the one Christmas kitchen. Oh, yeah, the one had like a cornucopia The other one that was just a green house Kiss the cook Alright this one's from Mitch cranberry $5.00 homie Are you garbage if a severance check you received when you got laid off was the most money you've ever had

in your bank account at one time? That's like a dirt bag windfall, if you get some sort of settlement check, or like the unemployment check, where if they hold it, if you don't get qualified for the first couple of weeks, and then you get that one lump sum after a month. Woo!

I think severance, if you're getting a severance check, it seems like it's a job that you, it shouldn't have been think severance if you're getting a severance check. It seems like it's a job That you shouldn't have been the most money you've ever had in your life. Do you know I mean if it's a job? Yeah, don't give you seven. Nobody gives you severance from like McDonald's. I've never put that together Yeah, I mean that was probably somewhat of a decent job. That's what I mean So it's the most money's ever made at once though. It's like a weird deal Big dirtball right there. Yeah.

Yes, the answer is yes, you're trash garbage. He also said it wasn't a lot of money. I did not, did not assume that. He was making severance from like fucking Chuck E. Cheese or something. I was always amazed by people like that. Like they would be like, oh, I just got fired or whatever. And then they'd be like, yeah, they gave me three months. Like what the fuck?

Take the summer off, yeah. Oh yeah. Retire. Or whatever and then it'd be like yeah, they gave me three months. I hate the summer off. Yeah. Oh, yeah That was always 10 I mean I live such paycheck to paycheck still do relatively at the moment and it was so like if you could have I remember my one buddy inherited ten grand from his grandmother who died when he was like Fucking eight and we were like I remember being like you have a billion dollars Yeah, I would retire you got ten 10 grand, 10 grand high school. You had 10 grand. I'd be like, fucking fuck college.

Huge in high school. You never had a huge thing like that when you were a kid, right? No, no. So I I thought I didn't get bar mitzvahed because twice I didn't come from those kind of Jews. When all my friends told me they were getting bar mitzvahed because it was going to be how they got their money for their first car and everyone gives them I was like, oh no, like this, you know My Jewish uncle got stabbed in the lungs by a biker gang. He was trying to leave or join

Either way either in or out he's dead now from heroin. So long story short is the bar mitzvah package wasn't gonna Cut me the check did he's not showing up to perform. No, no, no. Once Pop Pop died, my mom got a settlement from the Navy. And that was the wealthy. By the way, it was like six figures, but like 100 something thousand. Wow.

What'd he do in the Navy? It was a wrongful death because his whole crew of guys, that was back when they were shoveling asbestos Okay yards down in Philly Wow Mesothelioma money look at you June bad water But she got like a hundred some thousand dollars and I mean that money. No bar mitzvah my ass.

That money carried our whole family I think for years. And I mean whole family like anytime someone needed like my mom or the move. 1600 buy-in something. We need a security deposit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, we gotta go to my mom, my mom, you know. I love that. Same thing, first car I got it was like a thousand dollar car. We cashed in all of my like savings bonds she got from me. And like, she was always the comment.

Cause we thought in our mind, I'm like, well we only have one wealthy person, the family's mom. We realize how little money that is in the grand scheme. But it carried everybody. So this was beautiful. Because she just kept driving a shitty Buick Century. Yeah, she just had it in the bank. One of her friends died

Named Etta her friend died and like her friend just left her the car and so she had that car So that was her yeah She got a Mazda something after the Buick my grandfather bought damn everything coming up grandma Yeah, but she never yeah nothing no money was ever spent on her on herself at all. She just stayed in a terrible neighborhood Sit on that 100k while fucking young battle rappers were figuring it out on her front step Do it did your grandfather die of something related to that did he have as we died from yeah? Yeah, lung cancer. Yeah, damn. They're cutting a check like that for fucking pneumonia. No way

There's a civil suit. I think my grandmother led the charge I think she called like his Navy buddies to be like, hey, he passed away. And they were all dead. Damn. So she rallied up the fucking wives to be like, yeah. Good for her. Good for her.

And they got some money. But it is funny, that money, $100,000, man, you might as well have told me, it's like, it's like daddy war bucks. Why don't we have an Indian flying planes with his mind I didn't get that reference he's never saw orphan little orphan Annie who any movie he had it and now he was you'll Brenner he had an Indian guy that worked for him that could fly planes with his mind no no you'll Brenner and Annie yeah you'll, oh no, was it Albert Finney?

Albert Finney. Oh, okay. He played Daddy Warbucks. Yes. And in Daddy Warbucks' house, the character I loved much, it was Poon Jab. That was just like his boy. His assistant who did stuff in the house.

And Poon Jab, at one point in the movie, which they just, it's not a weird thing at all. He's flying a model plane around the room with his mind. He's just making it go with his mind. You're supposed to just accept that blindly in the background. There's also a model plane around the room with his mind. He's just making it go with his mind. You're supposed to just accept that blindly in the background. There's also a magic Indian here. I'm not sure if we're gonna be able to keep you

from this evil orphan lady, but we do have a magical Indian here. They didn't even look into seeing if he could solve the problem. Yeah, straighten something out. A magical Indian. They're like, no, you're the help. He could get a hundred grand for us.

He was the first seven-up guy, Punjab. he with the guy had it never Lando Jones Godfrey That's the three Really yeah, that's funny. I remember when I had a seven make seven up your shirt or to seventh grade immediately They made me go to the nurse and turn it inside out Really yeah, cuz it's like up your it was like profanity or whatever Oh seven up yours make seven because that was the whole campaign was make 7 and the back of the shirt said up yours. So everybody was like, fuck you, fuck you, like because they were just reading up yours. So that was like the big thing, and they caused chaos when they walked down the street.

I have to think, I have so many shirts that are just like, funny things I thought of or inappropriate to the world that when I travel on the weekends, how many times I've had to like Febreeze the shirt I came in and flew in on because I realized the shirt I wore the night before that I'm gonna fly and says like I was I do hand stuff we're like making them yeah just like fans make them or I've made them at all but it's like they're like jokes on them they're definitely inappropriate for the world I just don't even think about that I'm like sometimes on a Saturday when I like when I lay my shirts out for the weekend

I was go all right I gotta wear that on Friday because I'm flying this one I got some ruffies you're in comfort plus what everybody loves cock shirt on yeah I haven't flew one time it says no God no Santa no snake pit It's real big. No no God. I'm like piss people off. What's snake pit? Oh that was a shirt made for uh I Said I know the the bass player from five finger death punch Chris Kale, and he he was gonna hook us up They were opening for Metallica and Metallica's got a thing in the center of their stage called the Snake Pit. It's just an opening where you could fit

a couple hundred people in there. And he was like, I'll get you guys in the Snake Pit. He told us, like, all right, it's gonna be me, Bobby Kelly's son, and Christine. And he's like, yeah, I got you guys for sure. And when we got there and went to Will Call, of course, it wasn't Snake Pit. And Max, Bobby's son, of course, wasn't Snake Pit and Max, Bobby's son of course was devastated

by this somehow and we just couldn't and we got it was just they busted my balls but for a week that we didn't come through on the Snake Pit because I didn't want to call the guy and be like hey this isn't Snake Pit I know you're getting ready to go play in front of MetLife Stadium but worry about me and my friends so I was accepted the tickets and then Bobby had to go talk to max and max goes It hurts dad which like playing up a bit I would say but he's like it hurts that and so we said he learned a lot of important lessons that day No, God, no Santa Claus. No snake

But to explain all that to a TSA agent Don't know if there's a God. You have to get into an existential conversation. Look, I don't know if there's a God, but the shirt's not really me saying there isn't. It's a- It's not my place to say. Do you know the band Five Finger Discount by any chance?

Are you familiar with Five Finger Death Punch? Five Finger Death Punch. Five Finger Discount. When you said that, that was the trashiest statement ever, you were like like I know the bass flavor Chris whatever That's a story like kid rock could have told Then I can't even get into my snake dude. There's no access to the viper lounge. I was about to call 47 about this oh

God that's so funny. All right, we got time for a couple of more here. This is from Roscoe, $10 enabler here, never had one read. Is it garbage if you know how long you can hold your breath as an adult on 33 and just ripped 88 seconds? Damn. That's good. I don't think that's garbage at all. No.

I think it's good to know. That's a flex. That's planning. Yeah. What if you have to hold your breath for a long time for something? I bet that. Preparedness, I don't think this is garbage at all now. I think that's a flex. That's planning. Yeah, what if you have to hold your breath for a long time for? Yeah, I've had the paradise. I don't think this is how long you could hold yours underwater a Minute could you do a minute? I might be 13 seconds. Yeah No, that was like that was the big as a fat

Asmatic kid, this is pretty as madic pre heataters. They would have to hold me under. Everybody, my brother, everybody's ripping 30, 40, 50 seconds and I'd come up at 12. I can see him black dots and shit. Your fat's just naturally floating. I was going to say, people think- My legs come out. I used to think people thought I was cheating a lot in the holding your breath because of that. Because no matter what, you put your breath in it.

When you're just trying to focus on holding your breath, breath And your fat body your fat boy body just and then you have to just sit there And then people are worried that you died during no no no dead man's flute when I'm in a pool looks like I'm in the Dead Sea I'm like Two feet above the water like air hockey Is that a float tank it's an Olympic pool. I'm just zipping back and forth. Is that a float tank? No, it's an Olympic pool. I'm completely dry. Bathing suit's not even wet. Back in front of my bathing suit's not even wet.

Like a sham well. Why don't they make the whole bathing suit out of that stuff? I don't know. Those things are great. This one's from Kayle. Ever had a job where the vehicle had a permanent now hiring sticker on the back? I don't know. What are they just perpetually hiring? Yeah.

Some places I'd have to assume. Just always advertising, get people on board. That's always like the cable companies. Apply here. Oh yeah. Con Ed or stuff like that. I guess that's true. I always thought it was like a 7-Eleven or something like that.

Gas stations are always hiring somebody. Truck driver, a lot of the truck drivers, like, you know, lease, start making whatever. I've seen them with a salary, like $5,200 a month. Yeah, do you guys remember, there was like late 90s, early 2000s, like kind of in the burbs, you would see like telephone poles and they would have, they would be like those advertisements

for like painting jobs or like computer parts or something like that, like make this amount a year and they had like the things on there. Yeah, that was big. Yeah, that was mostly stuffing envelopes, jobs and shit. Like cold call in or like going and knocking. I did that for Verizon. When you were looking at one of those things,

you were in a bad spot. Oh yeah, if you rip it off and then later on you gotta go. Shit. I went to one, I found it. So I would do Craigslist. And I'd found the thing and I went was it was like a subcontractor contractor for Verizon, you'd go to businesses and go, who's your guy? Can I see your bill? I can save you whatever if you switch

over and the kid I was in South Jersey was in like, Cherry Hill or Penn Socken, like one of those like complexes, went in was like a rented conference room, they gave me the pitch and I went out with a guy, like a kid, he's like, you'll go out with me, you'll shadow him today. Unpaid, obviously, not paying me. Unpaid and I get in. You're getting to learn.

Yeah, and his kid. These are invaluable lessons. He had white Oakleys on, which is never a good look. And he's like, you a big press, I'm a little hungover. I'm like, ah yeah, I get after it too, you know. You ever been to a dueling pianos bar? You ever shit in a club? And he's like.

I was at this piano place last night and this fat kid was taking a shit. Rode my night, I couldn't even sleep, I'm exhausted. And he goes, I go, yeah, he's like, yeah, I was at a big Halloween party last night. I was like, oh yeah, did you dress up or whatever? He's like, yeah. He's like, you know Preston and Steve?

It's like the local film. I'm like, yeah, it's like a great radio station. Yeah. And he's like, we were at their party last night. I was like, oh, that's cool. And I listened on the drive down, you know what I mean? And he's like, I was like, what was your costume? He's like, we came in third. I'm like, oh, that's cool. And like I listened on the drive down, you know what I mean of like and he's like

How's it cool? I was like, what was your costume? He said we came in third I'm like, what was your costume goes me and my boys all dressed up as Tetris pieces and I was like I Gotta get the fuck out of here fucking they're bragging about the Tetris pieces. This is a fucking bad I've never felt like I I was always oddball out and every goofy like laborous job I ever took you guys was going like I just always remember having to meet a guy. You're meeting this guy and you guys are going to go. We put the hoses down for cars to run over to count cars for this company and shit. Or surveying where you hold the thing while he's taking a camera shot from across the street. I was never going to be the guy with the backwards sunglasses on the back of his head while

he's figuring out something like I don't know they're so like you probably look good in orange penny though I would imagine you know that was the job that was the job I said they sent me out and I got my first prostitute with my grandmother's money right we've shit on you on Legionist Gangs for that. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Poor my mom, she didn't know. She just wanted to make sure I eat. I ate all right. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. We got time for one more and then we gotta wrap it up. This is from Nick, very dirtbag thing.

This is Hey Gang, $10, a donator. If someone asks you how much an item costs, do you include the tax in the price? Example, if a TV costs 500? Do you say 550 just to make it sound more expensive? I? Always I mean I'll double it. Yeah, never even think about that. Yeah, I would just say yeah Whatever the prices I throw the tax right in there. Yeah for sure whatever I paid Yeah, whatever came out of my for sure I even do that if it was 500. I'm like that was fucking

$1,500 I hate it going the other way so much that I've changed. Anything like buying ticket apps, always have that. There's a button you can push that says include fees and taxes. Just tell me what the fucking hole is. Yeah, just tell me what the hole is. Because the StubHub kills you. There's something to tell people. Doesn't matter exactly.

It doesn't matter if it's a $250 ticket. It might be a $415 ticket after they fucking hit you with StubHub. Yeah, yeah. So it's a $400 ticket. Fucking clean after they fucking hit you with stuff. Yeah, so it's a $40 ticket. Fucking clean any outer pieces of shit. Scum bag. I need money for my magnet belt. Which you should get one.

Yeah, I can't make this. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Big Jay Okerson. Specials out on YouTube, them and they. It's a two-parter, absolutely fantastic. Again, we mean that, dude. It's unbelievable. Best in the biz. Coming up this weekend. You want folks to know what you got this weekend? No in two weekends I'm in Liberty, Ohio Cincinnati area Governor's Long Island coming up big Jay comedy comm for all my dates

There you go, chippy out guys were all over the road tickets on sale now get them body while supplies list ladies and gentlemen We love you Jay. We love you. You guys love you. See you next week, please