Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Fiona Cauley!

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

Are You Garbage podcast presents stand up comedian and podcast host Fiona Cauley! You know Fiona Cauley from Stand Up Comedy, Kill Tony, RAMPIN' UP, This Past Weekend with Theo Von, We Might Be Drunk with Mark Normand and Sam Morril, Whisky Ginger with Andrew Santino, First Date with Lauren Compton, Take Your Shoes Off with Rick Glassman, Fishing with David Lucas, The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler, Right Now with John Goblikon, Harland Highway Podcast, Trailer Tales Podcast, Steph Infection, Public Figures, The Drunk Uncle Podcast, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Brunt Workwear: Get $10 off at BRUNT with code GARBAGE at https://www.bruntworkwear.com/GARBAGE and enter THE BRUNT POTTY OF GOLD SWEEPSTAKES for your chance to win $50,000. No purchase necessary. Ends 9/18/26. Official rules apply. Aura Frames: Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat, Aspen, and Walden frames at https://on.auraframes.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code: GARBAGE Square: Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at https://square.com/go/garbage! Promo Code: GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that after you're good to be. See? Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash.

Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, agefully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Toadies in the new edition. It's Ricearoni Night, baby. We're back. I'm going to eat the leftovers on the stove when it gets all coagulated and hard. Ooh, I like that crispy. Okay.

A lot of food in the Toonies these days. My co.'s coming out from right next to me. It's either here nor there. He is the CEO of RU Garbage and the international businessman, king of the boards, king of the burbs. Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang. Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in.

Please make sure your review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video available over there on Spotify. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www. dot Patreon.com slash your garbage. You go over there. Join the 16,000 strong we got going on over here. Let's go, gang. And we could be more excited to have our incredibly.

And I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time. We've been wanting to have her forever. We finally got her in town because she's doing a garden this weekend. Let's go. She's one of the big stars over there in that killed Tony universe That ever expanding Killed Tony universe

Give it up for the one The only Fiona Collie, everybody Look at you! Hello! Here to determine whether you're garbage or not As we said before we started recording The Crush Celsius can Not the best look.

I like the emphasis You put on special guests Normal, obviously capable, regular guests. Nothing wrong. A great normal average human. I know what you're talking about. Let me ask you this real quick

before we get started. Were you Red Bull before Celsius? Yeah. Well, I was Monster originally. You can't hide it. You can't hide it. A little monster. White can, green can.

Green, but like, you know, the BFGC? I do. It's what, they're like gigantic. And when you open, and it's like a twist up and the FFC can. Is that same for big fucking tan? What the fuck you were drinking that?

Oh yeah. You got the extendo, John? Brother. A discontinued extra large 32 ls. Yeah, you were the only one drinking it. Well, they were like, look what happened. Is that what happened to?

That's a lot. I used to have two of those a day and then one normal's life for high school. Jesus. You drink coffee? Yeah. Did you have a coffee to? morning?

I, yeah. You're gonna get a speeding ticket. Dude. I used to have a coffee machine in my bedroom in middle school. That's, and that, wait, you said you're at the 30? Yeah. So what year was that? That's like mid-2000s?

Yeah. That's the, dude, the kids are drinking coffees. It's crazy. Did you live in an extended stay hotel? That's insane. Why did you have a coffee machine in your room? Because my mom would drink most of the pot, so I wanted my own pot. And I had like a mini fridge with creamer in it.

And I bought myself. Yeah. You were buying your own creamer in junior high? Oh, yeah. Oh, honey. I've heard a little bird told me. I've heard some interesting sources that this is a very sort of tale. So let's get into it.

Give us the origin story. Tennessee, I believe. Yeah. That's the extent of the research we do. Perfect. Take it away. You're American, I understand. And that's a wrap.

Yes. So tell us this. Toast the whole thing. Born and raised, Tennessee. Okay, born and raised actually from Franklin, Tennessee. Okay. And I don't know if you're familiar. It is a very wealthy.

Is that right? What's your mom and dad do? So my mom, when I was growing up, she kind of did, like, marketing for companies. And then my dad for a while was an attorney. But defense attorney or like a high pal criminal defense criminal defense attorney in Tennessee Woo we get a lot of bootleggers all council a pros to bench was he like a high power was he doing like DUIs or was he doing like murders and like you know I don't really know he didn't actually work that much what happened? That's a good attorney. Drugs and alcohol.

Your dad? Oh yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Shout out to him. It's like the Murdoch murders or whatever. Okay. Really?

I don't know what he's up to now. You don't talk to your dad? No shit. What was the drug of choice? Um, I think like cocaine. It's so funny. I just judge you and have a coffee pot.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm doing pretty good. I know. I was like, this needs got a coffee pot. She's killing it. So when did your dad,

did your dad leave the family? Uh, yeah. Or asked to leave. He kind of did the like long. long goodbye. You know what I mean? No, what's a long goodbye? So like my...

Kind of what you're doing. Right now? My parents divorced when I was nine. Okay, nine-year-old divorced. But was everything kind of normal? Like, when did things go askew? When I was like five.

Okay. Or four. So you don't really... There was never... There was never... Yeah. Do you have brothers and sisters? I'm the middle.

You're the middle. Yeah. Okay. I have an older sister, five-year... or four years older, brother is five years younger. Okay. I got to be on. I am so enthralled in this already.

I had no idea. It is this one. Okay. All right. So leading up to what age of your five, is he doing drugs at that point? Is it some semblance of? I mean, all I have, my memory of my child. She was five.

She wasn't splitting bags with them. I'm sure she's talked to somebody who just told her that maybe. When did it's, when did things start? I think it's always been, like, I think alcohol was the main thing. Ain't not wrong with that. Yeah. You know, that's just respectable. No, yeah, he had a big alcohol thing.

But he was, like, funny and, like, nice. Hey, ain't nothing wrong with that. You know, it wasn't, like, an angry drunk. Like, he wasn't hitting us. Okay. And so I just thought my mom was an asshole. Chase them away Right

All right So they come and tell you at 8 years old Are you getting a divorce Nine years old Hey we're getting a divorce She said you down She told me he was already gone Really?

Yeah He didn't say goodbye Well no And then the court was like You have to See them sometimes You know Man

Yeah Damn Yeah It was fun So was your guy's fault Obviously Yeah Those courts are real party

They made sure we knew. Wow. Did you guys have to go and see him? Thursdays and every other weekend. Where was that at? Where did you see them? At first, he moved to a place called Columbia, Tennessee, which was where all divorced dads go.

Okay. Do you have an apartment? Yeah. It was like a section of an old house. Okay. So he left you guys to have. You guys stayed in the house. Well, yeah, my mom worked.

You know, he took all her money, though, and left her with the three of us. Oh, really? And so she then got fired from her job right when that happened, panicked, and she started her own company because she was like, I'm never working for someone else. Yeah, put herself in that position. Do it that company become successful? She is incredibly successful. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Okay. All right. But I didn't know that. She lied my whole life. About what? She told me we were broke.

So I had a job. I know. Since I was 12 years old, I would lie about my age. I bought myself. Whole family full of liars. Dude, I know. So I bought myself a like $500 piece of shit car. And I would drive it.

And my mom was like, if you get pulled over, tell them you stole the car from me. And I was like, okay. What? Yeah, because she'd get in trouble for letting me drive. But, you know, I was pretty good. How old were you? Oh, 12. 12, you were driving a car at 12?

And your mom? Oh, 13. What? Yeah. To work. What was the job? What was the job? Who taught you how to drive?

Only to work in school. Guys, I'm not crazy. Any occasional ballgame. Where else does it 12-year-old people? It wasn't for fun, okay? I'm not out partying. Wait, your mom wouldn't drive you at 12 to work? She was working.

She was busy. Fiona? I didn't think this was weird. I would pick up my friends that were older than me for school. Did you ever get pulled over? Once. Did you look 13 or did you look older when you're like? No, I've looked exactly like this.

Except I could walk, which was more. convincing I was taller. Holy shit. What was the job? The first one, I worked at a Chinese restaurant. You're Chinese. It was owned by a Chinese family, so I was the only white person that worked their person not related to them. They were like, this 12-year-old wants to work.

She's got, you know, what do you do? Well, I swear to God, they call me their white slave. Jesus. I got $5 an hour and cash. I don't hate that. What did you do there? I was the server. Okay.

You're cooking. She's screaming a Mandarin. Stop! Got the walk going. Okay. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. All right.

So you're working at a Chinese restaurant when you're 12, 13. That was the first one. Driving yourself. Driving yourself. Yeah, they wouldn't get. me Christmas Eve off. That's prime time seas. That's when all the Jewish guys go out.

That's commies shit. Literally, literally, my family, like my mom and them were all sad because I couldn't be a Christmas Eve dinner. So they all came in to eat to be with me. And they were the only ones there. But the woman, the mom that ran this restaurant was not having it. We're not having what? My family trying to be in there. Why?

So I don't fucking know. I have no idea. She was like, go refill the soy sauce. So I'm sitting at a booth and I can see my family talking to them. She puts a fake tree between it so I can't see them. Wait, you didn't even serve them? No, she made me do sidework. Dude.

Man. What the fring? Yeah. That's a tough cookie right there. Fun. Jesus. Well, if your mom would have told that you had cash, you wouldn't be working as a 12-year-old in a Chinese restaurant

driving yourself to work in a $500 car. But Wild, her mom's upset that she has to work Christmas Eve. She doesn't, her mom knows she doesn't need to work Christmas Eve. Her mom's choosing to let her ruin the family's Christmas, even though she's got more. But maybe it was a teacher a lesson. Anything for the bitch. She had to keep going.

You know, it's impressive. Sure. Yeah. Oh, man. We were broke. At this point, I mean, was money tight or no? No.

She was doing well at this point. Yeah. Well enough that she didn't need the $5. I will never know, like, the truth of when. When it started cooking. Yeah, but I mean, I should have known. I didn't have, like, the context clue. Sure.

Maturity, I guess, of it all. Like, my mom owns. a historic home in downtown Branglin, which adults are people with full brains are like yeah, that means money but I'm like, our AC

doesn't work ever and our heat doesn't work so we are broken shoes like see, you know. We didn't. What kind of car did she drive back then? A Volvo. That's rich lady shit. That's smart business owner reliable. I know.

That's an import car. Dude, now she's in a Maserati. Your mom turns a Maserati? Let's go. She's a fucking drug dealer? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Okay.

Would they feed you at the Chinese restaurant? Yeah. Food good? Yeah. Did the brothers and sisters work? Did you sit there? My sister, my brother is like the golden. Is he the younger?

He didn't have to work. No. What's he do? Now? Yeah. Um, he's a musician. Okay. And he's very talented.

Um, and he does something and dad is, it's like day job. Gotcha. Are you close with them? Yeah. I'm really close with them. My, so I don't know what order to tell the historian. Any order you want. Yeah.

Like a Tarantino film. So, okay, let's like back up a little bit. Please. The floor is yours. So when I was 15, my balance was bad all of a sudden. Like I was an athlete my whole life. And then like I was falling and I didn't know why. And I told my mom I thought something was wrong.

But we weren't like a doctor family. We didn't go. I get that. She was a big anti-vaxer and stuff. You know. And, um. Kids falling all over the place I was like I think something's wrong with me

But my older sister Had a scoliosis And other like smaller medical things So she thought I was copying her For attention Because I'm a middle child You guys are nuts Man your mom is a tough cookie

Bro That's vicious Get up and go to work I swear to God I know what. And then, like, I was like, okay. And then I go to high school and there smelled my breath for alcohol because of how I talk. And now I was walking.

And I was like, this can't be normal. And so I went to her again. Hey, things moved wrong. This is like a couple years later. This is within the same year. Like, I noticed it and then other people did. Didn't she notice it? No, she was like, you're psycho.

You're doing this on purpose. I used to like practice walking in a straight line in my room. And I'd record it. And I was like, I'm out of my mind. Like, I thought I was making it up and I couldn't even stop making it up when I was alone. That's, do you know? I respect that level of lying. Yeah.

I've lived in that before. That just rattled me to the core. Okay. So, um... My mom didn't believe me. I had a fever one time, and I never forgave her. I talk about it all the time. She made me go to school.

The principal called her in and said, what are you sending this child to school for? Then we walked outside. She's like, why don't you want to go to school? Still don't believe me. This is nuts. It gets so much worse. I love her.

Stone Cole just right. Strap in. She's like, this is the appetizer. Go ahead, please. So then I start being like, no, I really think something is wrong. She would ground me for walking weird. And then I just kind of shut up about it.

Can I ask what weird is? Like, how? Like, I would not be able to, okay. But do you have to, like, step up and grab something? Or was it, like, what? Yeah, like, if there wasn't a railing, I couldn't use the stairs. Or, like, I was a server at other restaurants, and I'd spill any liquid. And everyone was like, why the fuck?

you like this. I'm like, it's not this art for everyone. You guys all aren't? Everybody thought you were drinking ice. Yeah, they did. Or like I worked at a place called frothy monkey which is like.

Sounds like a stripper. I kept falling off to stage. I'm just holding on to the pole the whole time. Go ahead. I'm just going in circles. I can't.

Is the room spinning for anyone else? Oh, and I was like, capture just started because they were like, this girl can't carry food. And so, you know, I'd check people out and there was a Yelp review and they were like, great place, except they need to get rid of Emma Stone. Pretty good. Pretty good. I was like, so you think I'm pretty? So you think I'm a movie? Movie star quality?

Okay, God damn. Okay. So, yeah. Your mom is just, yeah. She still thinks she's fake. Yeah, she's still like, you're really, no. Really? Really hamming this thing.

She, so I'm, I went to kindergarten do times twice. So I was 18. I was 18 my whole senior year. Okay. Of high school. I think I was too Yeah so I like figured out I could take myself

To a doctor And so I was like Okay And so I secretly Like got like a picture Of very insurance cards So I got you know And I took myself

To an E&T Because I thought like Inner Ear Equilibrium Balance That's a brilliant thought You dealt with this for three years Yeah Like I was like

It fucked up my mental so bad. My reality was so confusing. Because I, you know, I just wanted to be told I wasn't making it up and I had to figure out by myself. So I went

alone to an ENT at 18. They were like, nothing's wrong with yours, but something is wrong. Finally, some validation. Right. And I'm like, thank God. You been drinking tonight? Right.

Gets a flashlight on you. Like, now blow into this. You're drunk Okay Okay They sent me to do a balance test Which is like goggles They put on you

And your pupil have to follow it whenever So they were like No it's not this but something And they send me to a neurologist And now endurance does not cover that So I was like Fuck Did you go get your own insurance did you say

No I took a picture of my mom So I didn't have to involve her Devious and I love that. That's great. She doesn't like pay attention to details on billing and stuff so I knew it would be fine. Kimby, let's talk about Brunt, baby. Brunt, Brunt, Brunt, Brunt. Guys, if you're a working man out there, do yourself a favor.

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No. Are you all on your own? Anyone believe you friend or anybody? No. Everyone thinks I'm full of shit Oh god It's like really confusing And so

If you went back and burned down the town Like Carrie, that would be acceptable I don't think anyone would be mad Yeah The fucked up thing is I had such good grades But I almost failed gym class Because I couldn't run the mile They didn't believe either

Nobody stepped in and said Hey there's something wrong with this child Not a single person Did you do anything before this? to warrant this kind of suspicion. A boy who cried wolf-dain- Yeah, did you do anything stuff like that? Um...

You ever fake a kidnapping or anything? No. Hide yourself down in a barn and say you were in a well. Well, my older sister told me... You remember in like elementary school when they would do like vision tests. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, hey, it'd be really fucking cool

if you lied and got glasses because all the cool people wear glasses. So I was like, okay. Are those fake glasses? No, these are real. I need them now. So you've fibbed, don't know if I believe you. I lied about the glasses.

You lied about, did you get glasses then? Yeah, and they were thick, and I couldn't see anything. And I wore them for like a year. Did your mom find out that you were lying about that? Yeah. Well, then, yes. But it turned out I do have a stigmatism. and the jokes on you, Ma.

You wore bad glasses for a year. Yeah. You're a kid. Kids are looking, I mean, I couldn't see. You dressed like Marty McFly for your whole high school career. Sure. And you could not fly. There was a lot of flies already.

18. You're a nose throat doctor. You get to the neurologist. I have to tell her. Because it's expensive. It's very expensive. You tell your mom. Yeah.

And she's pretty. that I've been doing this secretly and she was like because I knew I was doing so much research and they were like you're going to need a MRI

because you might have a tumor on your cerebellum which I'm like rooting for or it's a genetic disease so a genetic test how long is this process going on like from E&T to now

two months. Two months. You're doing research on your own. How's your social life at this time? Are you hanging out? Are you drinking? Oh, yeah. I partied.

I partied a lot. I think I was coping with no one believing me. Of course. And I was dating like an old guy, which is weird. How old is old? 10 years old. We started dating when I was 15. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Where'd you meet him? Tennessee. At the park, he was slackline. and could do a back flip and on it That's pretty fucking cool What's a slack line? You're gonna hate it

It's those guys that tie the rope It's like the ratchet strap type rope Between trees And then they like tight rope And bounce on it You know the kind of guys Who date 15 year olds He had things that I couldn't do

Okay That's a balance He's hanging out in a park You're a 15, he's 25 You're a 15 year old kid Yeah Yeah Who from his eyes

drinks a lot Yes Yes Big drinker Holy Yeah Did your mom know about him? Yeah

Did she know he was 25 She approved of that He didn't care I know He picks and chooses It's confusing Huh She was busy

Busy Yeah we're broke They're broke They're broke Yeah I'm thinking you're broke And having money It's the craziest

Yeah. My parents should have done that. We were broke. Okay. So you go to her with the MRI. You got to say here. I'm like, well, you pay for one of these. She was like, fine.

If you'll, like, drop this afterwards. Then she let me pick which test. Which test? I pick genetic. Right. That was the right one, right? Yeah. That way you can blame her even more.

Right. Don't bitch, I get this from you. You're with me. I'm like you next asshole She said fine She paid for it It takes three months for those to come back So I'm just waiting

Jesus the South Take my time I know And then we She comes with me Because they have news And They're like you have this

Rare genetic disease Called Friedrichsitia And this is why you walk this way and talk, you know. Only 5,000 people in the U.S. have it. Okay. Is it degenerative? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, it's progressive. Like, it gets worse. Did they tell you all that stuff there? Yeah. They were like, you're going to die, but I'm your 35 or 40, and you're not going to be able to speak. See, hear. Talk about a face throw.

What did you say to your mom? I would have looked at him to see you fucking bitch. I told you. That's exactly what I'm going to be able to see. I did. Yes. I couldn't even be sad. I was like I was right.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Like I was on my fuck you door. Did she break down? Start crying? Oh, she was sobbed. That's what you want.

That's what you want in the movie scene. Yeah. You want your, I mean, you're saying how confused you like that, that's what like really got of like just wanting some sort of support and validation and not getting that. That's the kind of victim.

Oh, that's like movie vindication. Are you ready for this? Not the best news for you. Go ahead. She cries about it for maybe 10 minutes And then goes Oh my God

What's wrong with your sister? We get her tested Same fucking thing The girl I've been copying Two years ago My little brother Three Yeah

So all three of us Now I feel bad for you I know It's like a slow burn Who's the bad guy? A snow burn. The long game. Jesus.

Does it matter if you catch it early? No. Is there a newer medicine? Yes. Okay. That's a good thing. Really hoping for a positive answer. Stop asking, let her give the medical information she wants to volunteer.

You stop fishing. Go home, the dog's dead. Now, before we get to that, is there any, history of that like this is the first time it's rearing its head yeah does it come from the mother side of the father side both they're both carriers

and not and they just fucked each other and he laughed and like it's not even like we got a good dad out of this you know you don't talk to him at all uh not at this point no

I haven't talked him in like four years now before it was like he texted me on my birthday like our whole text was it used to be happy birthday and then it was like a happy day

and then it was HPD then it was just like an explanation were you still seeing him on Thursdays and all that stuff well when did that stop he tried to relinquish custody and the court went him what the fuck I don't get that part of it

but I didn't know that until now like I didn't realized that was what was happening. Yeah. What a fucking dickhead. Yeah. Sorry. I don't mean the shit on your dad. No. I get it. I think she's okay with it.

I mean. Oh, shit. Okay. So you're 18 at this point. You get diagnosed. Do they start you on a medication? No. There was nothing when I was diagnosed. So this was it.

Right. So that you're facing your mortality. Right. I thought this was something. they'd fix and then I'd go to college to play volleyball. Like I didn't think, even when they explained it, I was like, whatever, science will figure it out, you know. So you weren't freaking out?

No. Until about a week later, and then I started Googling it. And I was like, okay, this is maybe the worst thing they could have told me. And there was no medical. You got the face throw, though. Yeah, that's true. That was worth it. That's a three-year.

Yeah, built up, man. And the best part, the day I was diagnosed, my father actually showed up. And I was like, whoa, what? He had a random woman with him in his car. And I was like, hey, I'm glad you're here. But, like, who the fuck is that?

Did he show up because he was picking a man? or did he find that that you got diagnosed? I guess he was just invited to like the final appointment. It was at the doctors. Oh. Yeah, but he had a random woman in his car. I saw. Sat on the car?

My mom wouldn't let her in the room, obviously. But my car was parked near his, so I saw her. And I was like, who's that? Like what? And he goes, oh, sorry. She was scy-ed. like really horny when she said. So thought this would be a good opportunity.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's what your dad said to you? On the day you get diagnosed. Lemons and lemonade, right? Also, did you, were you, did you drive yourself to this? Yeah. That's crazy.

I mean, at some point. Well, where was your mom at work? She drove from work? I don't remember. Or did you both leave from the house in your car. I did not like. You shouldn't have been driving either way. At some point, your mom's going to go, you know what maybe.

It's true. Yeah. I couldn't find the brink. the break and I thought everyone had a hard time with that. So you got diagnosed and then drove yourself. Yeah. And your dad got laid? Yeah.

In the car. Hell, yeah. Someone needs to. He comes out in a lab coat. All right. Okay. Oh. What a, I mean.

So no volleyball. No. Why volleyball? Would you play volleyball in high school? I was super athletic. So I think that's why I was like something is wrong. Right. But like my older sister was a big, like,

book person she's smart okay that's real Tennessee she's a big book person reading and such okay so what happens from 18 on um well I went to college immediately where'd you go UT Chattanooga okay well is that main campus no not so right I don't think you would put Chattanooga What is UT? Oh, yeah. True. What was the major?

Graphic design. Okay. You said that with a smile. Well, I... What's that on? I wanted to do, like, banning and drawing which is stupid, too.

But they were like, your hands aren't going to work. Shaky house. I swear to God, they were like, your hands are going to work eventually. I didn't even put that together. I was just like,

that's an admirable job. Okay. I chose graphic design because I was like, Stephen Hawking's press buttons forever and so I can do that shit you know so I'm majoring that I was very depressed depressed so you just have to cope with the symptoms oh and I'm still trying to like hide it because I don't want to scare boys are you walking around yeah okay but everyone's staring like it's not easy and so I'm just

like trying to like walk when no one's looking canes crutches anything eventually cane but that just Just because they wouldn't serve me in bars. I mean, that's a pure dirtbag, too. Yeah. So you were out drinking? Oh, a lot. Were you partying, going to parties? I was partying.

Hooking up, dudes, all that stuff? I was a horror, yeah. I thought I was dying. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to fuck as many people as I can before no one wants to. I didn't know what I was going to look like.

Now I'm married. I'm married. Sorry about you. Earmuffs. It's a gay's old. Maddie. You got to type. You like him 10 years older, too, by the way.

Wow. Okay. Does he do slicklining or anything like that? Slack line. Slack line. Yeah, what kind of weird things is he in, too? All right. Did you graduate college?

Were you living on campus or were you commuting? The first year I lived on campus and then I worked three jobs. Your mom's still having your fucking work? Yeah, I... What the fuck is wrong with this lady? I found out she was wealthy because to get in a college, you have to fill out a fast and I needed her information. Did you apply to college yourself and all that stuff?

Yeah. And I thought I would get all these like grands and shit because we were very. She makes it a familiar. And I qualified for nothing that wasn't grade-based. And I was like, what the fuck? And she was still trying to make it sound like she made more or less than she did. But you have the numbers. Yeah.

You don't have to give out the number, but like, what are we talking? Millions. She was making millions of dollars. I'm like. I did not think that. You're making millions of dollars. You're 13 buying a 500 car working. You're sick.

She's not denying it. Did you pay for school? Did she pay for school? She paid for school. At least she can fucking do at this point. Have you applied to college yourself and all that stuff? Yeah. Man, I would, you are.

She created a work at the thing. 100%. It's like, there are definitely parts of it that are you're like, that's bad. I got to be honest with a lot of it sounds like that. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, how you responded to and how you worked out. You have my ultimate respect. You are a rock solid human being.

I would have went the complete opposite way. I was kind of thinking that when you were going. I'm like, dude, one of these speed bumps, you would have been fucking suicide by cop. Yeah. My God, I'm such a bitch. It's crazy. All right.

You are something else. Yeah, very wildly. I mean, just the resilience is fucking, I'm put then also to be like, yeah, I'm still out fucking and drinking. It's like awesome. Getting the cane, they wouldn't serve me, you born. I am.

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Get started today. Do it. Yeah. What are the jobs you have in college? Okay. So I was a host, which was hard for me. You mean running around a restaurant. Literally.

Let me see you. I'm sorry to cut you up. Now you're diagnosed. The school's aware of your condition, right? I didn't tell them. I didn't want special treatment. I don't fucking know. I would have had a fucking golf.

All my friends, the part that, like, fucked with me after diagnosis is I'm just stoked to have a name for what I knew was wrong. But I didn't feel any different about myself than I did the day before I was diagnosed. And now everyone around me feels like And I fucking hated that And I was like I'm not gonna Let that I don't want I don't want that to be everybody's interpretation of me Like I don't know how long I can like

Trig people into thinking I'm not disabled But I'm gonna do it as long as I can Jesus And is this had you started any medication yet? No So there was nothing In your head you're I'm hurtling doors

death and I'm not yeah I'm like why am I in college I can't believe that they gross my mind yeah that makes I'd be like yeah all them dudes yeah easy picking man okay you graduated yeah you're working the whole time you're in college yeah you going home for holidays and shit like that some of them so you're on your own do you have a boyfriend then oh yeah What did he did? He was not in college. Of course.

That's always such a hanging out with people that aren't in college when you're in college is so definitive. What happened to the 25 year old? When did you lose him? And you tell him about to die. Bro, okay. So that guy actually, he thought like once I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, he also thought something was wrong with me. He believed you.

He did. Because I couldn't slack one. This ball cannot keep her balance But he thought I had like muscular dystrophy Which isn't too far off actually And once I got diagnosed He was excited because he didn't Want me to leave and go to college

He wanted me to stay in Franklin So he was like stealing my birth control and shit Yeah They get you pregnant? So I started secretly digging birth control on the sign. That's like a double agent. I don't know who you're working for. Hey, this guy, you get the diagnosis, so he loved you.

Or is it some version of control or something? Yeah, it was, I think. What'd he do for a living? Blackline, dude. He's 25. He was unemployed a lot. He was really into, like. A guy hanging in the park dating children.

Oh, my God. I never, what did he do for a living? Fiona, nothing. He didn't do anything. He didn't do anything. He didn't do anything. I don't fucking know. I've never.

Did you ever live with them? No. But he lived with his parents when I met him. And then his parents eventually were like, we don't want a 15-year-old at the house. So he moved out. All the logical people you have explained. far are his parents.

Kind of. There were a seven-day adventist. What's that? It's not going. That's the pro slackline team in Franklin Tennessee. The seven-day evangelist.

Oh, seven-day evangelist. Okay. I mean, all right. So you stop dating him? Wait, so he gets kicked out of his house. Well, he gets an apartment closer to where my mom lives. All of us keep, stay with you.

Yeah. I give him credit. He moved out of his parents' house for you. Yeah, that's good. I never lived with him, but when I got diagnosed again, he's stoked because he thinks that means I'm not going anywhere. And I'm definitely leaving. Like, I was, like, starting to realize it was weird that he was dating me.

And, um. He set together all your. Yourself, huh? Yeah. It took me three years. Your dad and him are hanging out. Okay. He, uh, and then when I got into college, he lost his shit.

Like, he got so mad. That's your control stuff, huh? Mm-hmm. And I broke up with them, and it was all, no one's going to want you. You're disabled. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Not just the crepe in a pedophile. He's also mean. So many people have said that exactly. to me. I'm like, okay. What? I'm like, no one's going to want you.

Like, guys, you were dating or whatever? Any guy or broke up, but that's like their favorite line. I mean, I respect that. Yeah, it's hack at this point. I respect the burden. Yeah, I'm like, okay. I like, close them. Gotcha.

Wow. Yeah, but then like he. Top all this. She's a heartbreaker later. I don't know. What the fuck? Going around. Wow.

All right. So who is the guy at college that you were. He was age appropriate. But didn't go to college. No, he was like two years older than me. But you had somebody. Yeah, but he was the worst. Where did you meet him at a bar?

So he, my mom actually set us up. We went to high school together, but like didn't know each other then. And he's still lived in Franklin with his mom. You want to an off-campus boyfriend in college That your mom set you up with Probably took you a half an hour to get the class You got to go all the way back there to see this guy Two hours, yeah

Yeah Okay He was a chef A chef? A chef? A cook, a chef A chef Yeah, like Michelin Star

What? I know He's a Michelin Star chef Yeah Or he worked at a Michelin Star restaurant Yes Like, yeah, he was, I gotta give him that It was a very

But he was like treating on me the whole time Obviously, I don't trust chefs I've never heard anybody say that I will live and die by that A shifty bunch They're all fucked up Yeah, he was the addicted to Coke Sure

I saw my father and then Yeah, I put my hand up 100% I get it but I didn't realize it because I wasn't really doing drugs like I tried Coke in college for the first time and I could do a

cartwheel and so I was like this is amazing yeah I went to my neurologist and told him you ever do cartwheels it's a gay bar hey coke used to be a medicine right yeah

yeah Yeah. To deal with emotional trauma. What'd your doctor say? Two lines a day and call me. He shot you down? He was like, that is really interesting, but also do not forget you have a heart problem. You have a heart problem?

Yeah. What is it? It's part of this. Oh, okay. No, it's like a fun. Yeah, it comes with the good bag. Sure, it's a feature. Yeah.

An option. Oh, man. Okay. So I nixed the cocaine. Have they given you anything? No. I'm still like, oh my God, I'm dying. Are you talking to anybody?

Like a therapist about coping with any of nothing? I've never done therapy. That's on me. I mean, you're doing it. You're handling it was seemingly well. Definitely on the outside. Yeah, I was not good. They're on the inside at that point.

I was like losing my mind. And then me and the chef. broke up because it's so embarrassing. I found out he was treating on me. I didn't break up with him. And then a month later, he broke up with me for not breaking up with him. I don't.

That is a dirtbagged move? I'm an idiot. That is a guy. That was so stupid. That's crazy. Dude, yeah. And then I got really drunk and sad on Valentine's Day. It was right before then.

my friend was throwing an anti-valentine's Day house party and bands and shit were going so i showed up and there's like a flyer on the front door with the bands that are playing and then it says comedian funa call and i was like the fuck is this and all my friends have been around to kind of push me and did doing stand-up for a while but i was so scared i took a bunch of shots and then I had to do... Were you telling them you wanted to be a comedian? No, I didn't want to. You just thought you were funny.

Yeah, and so literally there are like 50 people in this like big house. Everyone says criss-cross appleshots on the ground. I sit in like a sofa chair, you know, and like lean my cane up against it and do a microphone, just talk shit about the chef. and it went well And I was like, okay, I'm never doing this again And I got tricked a couple more times And then I was like, fine

Wow Okay This is in school When did you start going on like open mics and stuff like that? Did you? No, I am I got I was shit-faced in Atlanta

I said a pattern I'm a couple older, you know, in Atlanta for clinical trial, and I brought a friend with me, and we went to the punchline. Okay, yeah, yeah. And just to watch, and they were doing a bucket spot, which I didn't know what that was, and I went to the bathroom and came back.

My friend had secretly put my name in the fucking bucket, and they pulled my name out, And I had to go up and do that. And then the book or whoever was that the time was like, do you do comedy in there? And I was like, no. And then I couldn't do the clinical trial because my veins were too small from being hungover.

Wait, what? Yeah, it's like a thing. Your veins are small to get hungover? Like you're dehydrated, maybe? Is that what it is? They were like, you have the veins for a cancer patient. insane level of trash to go down to a clinical trial to fix your degenerative disease and not be able to do it because you go get fucked up at an open mic that's connected to a diner

shout up to the punchline wow I know I'm a weird one man no no interesting trashy I like it that's civilian I mean yeah and then what happened with the booker Oh, nothing. I never followed up on that. I was like, no fucking way. Yeah, no, that was good. And then I really, officially started doing comedy.

I moved back to Nashville after graduating college. Okay. And then for a job. Which was what? I cannot say. Okay. I got fired for being in a wheelchair.

and I signed a thing. Cool. But I bought a house. You got paid. Sick. And after that, I was very sad again. Wait, hold on.

You got fired for being in a wheelchair. Because I got hired during COVID. Okay. So it was all Zoom. I don't need to tell anyone. I love you. I love you doing that. No shit.

Then you show it the first day. You make your background of state. So wait, hold on. What did you get into the wheelchair? Full time? I was just doing part-time. There is that. It's a thing, I swear.

No, for sure. Full-time, about five years. Okay. So in college? Right out of college. Right out. Okay, so right at a college, your wheelchair, COVID hits. You get this job.

Yeah. You're working over Zoom. COVID's done? Mm-hmm. You show up to work the first day. I mean, shock. And I'm like, what did you think my voice was about? Just thought you were drunk.

But, yeah, so I get fired. I'm like, why am I back in Nashville? This is crazy. Lawsuit, I assume? Well, no. Because I couldn't afford an attorney. Uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, my dad's an attorney.

Your dad's an attorney. Your mom's a millionaire. So they just bought you out. Settlement. Settlement. They give you a settlement. Yeah. Okay.

And then I started my own. graphic design company. Love that. And how, what do you? 24, 25? Oh my God, yeah, 24. Buy a house? Yeah.

Bang. Yeah. Have you always been good with your money? I assume? No. Really? What the hell do you do with it? I don't know.

I give it away. I panic. I don't. Give it away to who? Matt. Who's your husband? No, I don't know. I don't, it all just,

it's not like I'm investing. I have no idea how any of that works. But you're not blowing it necessarily. No, no. You're not like buying a speedboat or something. I only shop on Amazon. Okay. Okay.

That's good. I'm cheap. Is that what I mean? But you bought a house? Yes. You still own that house? No, I sold it recently. Me and Matt just bought a condo right next to Zanis in Nashville.

I love that. Shout out the good folks at Zanis. Of course. All right. You start your own design. How does that go? Really well. I hired someone.

Like we were cooking. I was making good money. And then like I wasn't really getting out of the house if it weren't for work. And my friends were like, hey, you need to like find a thing. But you had friends in Nashville? Yeah. Yeah. Where were they from?

From school? From college. From college. So you had a social network. But you were living alone. Uh, and that, no, I was living with a friend at that point. In your house? Yes.

In the house that you bought, you let the friend live there. For free? No. All right. But for you. Okay. Yeah. Covered of bills a little.

And you're working from home. Yeah. And she was your connection to that friend group, so it's like, let's get you out of the house. So go ahead. And she's like, you should try to go to the soap mic. I found it online. I was like, oh, I'm scared, but okay. So then I go, it goes well.

I get booked on my first page show that night. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to like do comedy as a hobby, like, new people, whatever. And so I got like obsessed with it really quick. And then my friends started presenting me for like spending all my time doing that. And like that's all I wanted to talk about. And I'm like, this is your fault, you know. And then, like, I feel bad, but, like, financially, we were making money with this company,

but I didn't want it anymore. I'd rather make 50 bucks doing it, you know, like, figure it out. So I slowly start cutting back on work and clients in my company. And a comedy became full-time eventually I had to shut it. down. I took like a huge pay cut to like do comedy, but I was paying my bills. Is this pre-killed Tony? Uh, yeah.

Oh, this is before Kiltone. Right. Like, I was like, do you say numbers on this? Whatever you want to speak. I was making like three grand. A week. A month. I'm sorry. I'm in a month. Making three grand a month to a comedy, not just in Nashville. You were starting to work.

Right. Just drivable. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I was like, oh, I'm doing it. Great. I thought it was like a success. I mean, for a stand-up comedian, that is a success. I was like, this is the best I could be doing.

You're making a name for yourself locally. Right. Gotcha. Okay. And so, you know, I had like 38,000 followers. Like, I was like, I'm famous. Okay. You know what I mean?

With you? Do you say numbers on this? $3,000. Yeah. Okay. I don't want to make anyone do it. Yeah. I thought you got that.

I thought she was going to be like I was making $500,000 a day. Did I mention Amazon.com? Go ahead. And then I didn't know what killed Tony was. But I had an uncle. This guy. It's the first time you're mentioning an uncle.

He's for sure sketchy. He's literally a shaman. A shaman? What are they? Is that like a cook? We don't deal with chefs anymore. I like ayahuasca retreats and like guide you. Is this your father's uncle or father's brother or mom?

No, this is, I don't talk to my dad's side. Okay. They're all bit. So it's your mom's brother. Well, it's. There we go. It's my mom. You're not related to this guy.

I'm crying. It's my mom's brother is a wife's brother. Your mom's brother's wife's brother. Uncle Lucas. That's not your wife. I love him. Okay. He's good.

guy though. We dated for a while, significantly older than me. So he does what? He tells you about Kill Tony. Yeah, he's like, you'd be so good on this show and he like shows me a part of an episode. I'm like, what the fuck is? I'm like, this is not coming. No, I was like, okay.

I mean, I'll try, I guess. And so then I get back to Nashville. I find out during the Nashville Comedy Festival, because I'm being down in town. I am friends with the owner of Zanis at this point. I'm like, hey. Mr. Dorfman? Yes.

Good man. Great man. Friend of the program. He, uh, I was like, can you introduce me to Tony? And he was like, for sure. So again, to one of the after parties, Tony shows up. I'm pretty drunk. I'm doing car wheels.

Coked out of my mind. If y'all ever see me doing car wheels, you know what's up. Talk about a hard come down. But I'm at this after-party bar thing. I see Tony, and I grab Dorphin. I'm like, get him. And he goes, Tony, I need you meet Fiona. A hilarious Nashville community.

And he, like, takes a knee to dog to me. And his little puffer vest. And he, uh, I love, I love the subtle shot. Shut up to Tony. He looks at me and I was like, hey, you should put me on your show. And he goes, you're pretty hot for a girl in a wheelchair. This is like, there's like two lions like circling each. I know.

I'm like, each taking shots at each other. Hell yeah, dude. Um, I'm also really funny. and he was like, okay, I'll give you a chance. And I was like, really? And he goes, yeah. And I told him when I was coming out, and he was like, all right, just damn me, blah, blah. And so we did.

And at this point, I'm dating mad. I'm a brand new date. And he and I are out there. I run out of money, like, for these hotels and shit. Hold on a second. How long did you go out there for? We're out there for like a week, which was stupid, but I was like,

I'm gonna try to do spots everywhere, and we did. And it was good, but hotels are expensive. So we're both like, fuck, I'm out of money, and I will say I called my mom, and she swooped in and gave me money for a hotel so I could stay for Giltony. When you say out of money, out of money, the budget that you had for that?

No, like, I had no money. Huh. Yeah. So were you getting like hotels? like night by night. What do you mean? Yeah, yeah. I was going to say because you typically pay for the hotel.

Well, I was like, maybe you'll make money. I mean, Matt was the Nashville comic as well. Yes. Got it. Yes. But my mom sent me money for a hotel room. And I was like, thank God. Because I think it was like, it was like the option, but either I pay for it.

It's so dull or I eat. You know what I mean? And like that was the situation we were in. We've been there, of course, yeah. We chose to eat. We, um, I damn Tony, day of killed Tony. I don't know if he's gonna ever play. Like, he doesn't even follow me, you know?

And, uh, he responds real nice. He's like excited, whatever. We show up. Mothership is very scary. Um, you know, I'm panicking. Chirvog and walk then. I'm like, fuck, no. I don't know what that, you know.

I'd do like a weird way. I was like, but yeah, it went well. Yeah. It was like that. You killed. Yeah. It was the best, like, interviews that I'd ever had.

And I like blacked out, not from drinking, but I was, like, so scared. Comedy. Yeah. Wow. I mean. epic a wild inspired I mean amazing story that our rest is history but stone cold dirt bag it's crazy it's like genetically in you to be a dirt bag it's wild at every level that took a turn the ayahuasca fake uncle is I think did the savior he's the moral compass of the tail

yeah yeah wow I mean yeah wild amazing But again Tennessee trash Through and through it Oh for sure That's crazy Thank you so much Yeah thank you

What a thank you for sharing This is the first episode We've ever not one question I mean early on I think we got to like Little bit Yeah just like easy background stuff But man what a fucking tail

Jesus Good for you Yeah we love you Congratulations Thank you for doing this Of course Anything you want to folks aren't there to know. What do you got coming up?

I'm on tour. All tickets are at fiona collie.com and I have a podcast with my husband, Matt Taylor. Maddie Taylor. Called ramping up. Let's go. They're having a good time. How you doing now? Cash is coming in.

Plenty of money for hotels now, huh? $3,000 a month. Long way from $5 an hour to Chinese restaurant. Yeah. Look at you. It's crazy. How's your, how's your,

how's the things with you and your mom now? You're really good. Cool. She, uh, I think comedy helped. Sure.

Because I am very honest about how it was. And she now acknowledges it. Yeah. And she's like, fuck. And she tells me she deserves

me to talk like this about her. She gets it. Wow. Yeah. She's in therapy. She's off. We're very, close now she's

maga which is hard she's what a maga mom she like owns swag oh interesting I'd be shocked if I don't already she put one on you yeah man so it all worked out yeah yeah man you're tough you know that

honest very very very very inspiring Fiona Coli everybody let's go Fiona we love you thank you for in the show. Gang, we love you. See you in three days. Peace.