Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Garbage Island! w/ Tommy Pope & Chris O'Connor

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by their great pals at Stuff Island Tommy Pope & Chris O'Connor! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Displate: https://www.displate.com Promo Code: Garbage Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Blue Chew: https://www.get.bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Wait a second, wait a second, gang. We got that rugarpage.com to talk about before we get to the episode. It's your one stop shop for everything RU garbage. We got tees, we got lighters. We got anything you need, just tees and lighters, but still. And they're not real Zippos either. Just Zippo S, that's what we're saying.

Also, you get tickets to your live shows, gang. Coming up, we have Louisville, tickets still available. Get those and we have Cleveland and Columbus and we're about to announce the second leg of the tour. Sign up, sign the email list, get involved, baby. We're having a good time. Love yous. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU garbage.

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast. This is RU garbage. Hey, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find

that they're good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition, baby. She took the night off, said she was gonna get a quiet dinner and check out a movie. Okay, great.

I don't believe her at all. I'm sure she's getting drugged somewhere, but shout out to her. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Unamused this week, fair enough. He is the CEO of RU garbage, he's an international business man. And he's my best pal in the whole wide world.

He's got his hand on my leg right now. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. What up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always. Make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes. Full video available. And YouTube as you know those numbers are. Truder out.

Cooking. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU garbage. Check it out gang, it's a party over there. Yes it is. And the second greatest website of all time, currently right now in the charge, is at RUgarbage.com.

It's got a website. Get tickets over there, get some merch, couple of tees. It's real nice, and speaking of tees, how about a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the magic man. That was real fucking. He left me hanging on the tooties. That was real drive time news dude.

My god dude. This whole thing is fucking nuts. Give it up for T-Bone McScroff and Toby McBowling on the Toby cam. There he is. What up dudes? We do have a Toby cam. Oh my god.

It is straight 15 year old slumber party. What's the catch of hockey curve like right now? We're bumping a bumper 30 minutes back. Oh so. It was always bumper to bumper. Fucking bullshit. He's always the same jackknife tractor trailer too. Fucking Toby cam.

Is it hot dog night? It's fucking two days ago. Luke, get the hot dog gun. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. The goddamn family, you know them from the Stuff Island podcast are on tour right now, but we got them here in Tootsies that Kristen is showing because we're about to get a little

fucking banged up here. Give it up for Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor everybody. What up boys? The boys are here. Tommy's already two beers deep. Yeah daddy. I asked one of you wanted me to stop on that poet tour. Hot dog got caught in his throat.

It was the relish. If you guys cough something up, do you chew it back and throw it back down? Absolutely. Yeah, right? I mean it depends what it is. A little piece of hamburger or something. It's great.

It tastes good. Is this like riding a bubble wave from a beer? Yeah. A ballpark or something? Sometimes I'll just have something like that. You should be like, it should be within close proximity to eating the meal. That should be coming up a week later.

You're not getting a bacon egg and cheese at midnight. So you got separate compartments in there too. The camera setup is nuts. Thank you. Thank you. You guys are on like, I don't know, 8D or some shit? It's nuts. I love how Tommy knows nothing about cameras.

All he's been doing is he's been here's been asking about cameras and plugs. 8D. Is this IMAX? This is how they do IMAX. I woke up with a fucking heater of a zit and I'm like, this is going to be, you're going to see the pop. You don't have a zit?

Dude. You got makeup on right now? Shoot me straight. Well, you got a little cover up on. It's cover up and it also kills the zit. So it's clear. So let it ride. Let the zits ride.

Yeah. Well, we have different stuff. Did you get them in high school? Mm-mm. Did you get them? Did you get them bad? No. Me neither.

I didn't get them. I felt bad for the kids that did. And if I would get one every once in a while, I would tear it apart. Yeah. Push. Yeah. I got scars from it.

You turned that mount into a volcano. Yeah. I let it rip. I made people look at it. Really? You were that kid? Yeah. Yeah.

We had a couple of those kids. No, you can't touch it. It'll scar. I'm like, dude, I'm eating over it. Yeah. It was history class. Fucking huge whitehead. It was third period.

It wasn't even lunchtime. I mean, I got a flaming out over here. Looking pockmarked face. I'm cutting it. Ruin of my roast beef dip, fuckface. I'll skip the potato buffet. Oh, god. How are you boys?

Good, dude. You guys have been on the road. How are you doing on the road? You guys sharing a room on the road? No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. We're separate room money now. Separate room money. Yeah. Took a long time to get there.

Yeah. When he goes couch surfing, then he goes sleeping the same twin. Uh-huh. And then he's sleeping separate queens. Yeah. He's sleeping in the same room. I share a room with you. That home's different.

I share a room with the ghosts in my head. Oh, man, man. Dude, O'Connor walked in. Acting like someone just shot his mom out for a while. I know. I'm telling you, you were mad at us. Well, dude, the guy didn't take the highway. He took local roads.

Who? Fucking driver. Dude. Local roads. What are you talking about? Yeah. He like, dude, get on the highway. Take us to the location.

We were on cobblestone and shit. This is how crazy this dude is. Falling asleep. We had to collect dirt. It's a bad hat. There's no dirt roads. Well, we come from Queens. Okay.

We did that in chains. You took the bridge, I assume, in the tunnel. Yeah. Well, you have to. Thank God. We did that in chains. We got a fucking highway. At like 1.30 or whatever.

He's ripping. Kids doing great. And then we get done. We get in the car. Then he's just... Shots down on us. Oh, dude. Loss of battery.

What is it? What is it? I asked him. There's something banging around up there. Hold on. I asked him. I asked him. He seemed as if he took the left.

He didn't take the left to get on the BQEO as a guy. Oh, no. Man, talk about a day road. I don't have a heart to fight this guy about it. I'm like, what happened? Was it me? Did I do something? He goes, I'll tell you later.

And I was like, just tell me now. We're going to have fun with Kevin in the fucking fall week. Let's get it out so you can have fun. He's like, I'll just tell you later. It was that merge onto the highway. Dude, it was. So he got in the car and he's like, I just don't like the Rudy talk. He was staring at the back of his fucking head seat, like just like, ah.

Today's the day I can murder myself. Because he took a wrong turn. Fuck it away. He's over here. He's making me sick. Check out Stuff Island where it's like... Try a cup of decaf. What do you mean?

Dude, I don't got here. Yeah, but I mean, I had to go through hell. And what do you want to take the BQE for? You got to go all the fuck away around Brooklyn and come in. It's faster. No, it's not. Yes. And the movement's consistent.

You shoot down a story of Boulevard and hop on the bridge. I don't like to stop and go. It shakes my brain up. I don't know. I'm getting. I'm getting. That's a bad thing. You could use a little factory reset.

It's like what a second game doesn't work. You're like, I want to blow in his fucking ear and reset. I think that blame falls on the back. God, Jesus. Yes, dude. No, dude, I slept. I have a real heater in there, too. I slept on the stove, right?

Running from the top, big man. New Tutti this time. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody. We say it all the time. We get home like, man, that beginning is unbelievable. It is truly incredible. We did it for Shane recently. And obviously, dude, it's like the antithesis of him.

Oh, yeah. We kicked it over. He was looking at us like, what the fuck's happening? He looked like we were tricking him. And he's like, I don't know. I was like, oh, man, he can make you feel not cool. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

That's his whole fucking MO. I know. You don't even have to look at him. You just feel it. Dude, I can feel him. He's like, what the fuck is this shit? I started talking. He literally went, oh, no.

What's the matter, O'Conny? Oh, dude, I slept like shit. I woke up at like 3 AM, couldn't get back to sleep. And I eventually went back to sleep. But I was just listening to podcasts. And then they were infecting my dreams. So I've been on a podcast for about 10 hours. Dude, bombing.

Bombing. What? I was in my dream. In my dream. It was very consistent. In my dream. In my dream, I was too high. I was on bad friends, whatever.

And I was too high. And I didn't know where the microphone was. I have dreams like that. That's low self-esteem. But it was just because it was playing in the background. I had a bad dream last night where I kept trying to. I can't imagine what your bad dreams are like. No, no.

No, this is like. So there I am at war. You're like, what the fuck? No. I attained a hand combat. So there's worms coming out of my grandmother's eyes? That's actually what I wanted. But it was like a, what a nightmare to me is it's probably a dream to other people

when I was trying to find these. I don't want to walk in a park with someone I love. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking nightmare. Get me out of here. I was looking for two racquet balls to practice with in this like gym, gymnasium like area. And every time I found them, it was next to this dude trying to like do this little fat Mexican kid was trying to do like a workout.

Like he was filming himself. And I would go to grab the balls. He goes, fucking him again. And he would pick up his like camera. This buddy just happened you at the gym, actually. And I'm the crazy one. Well, I felt like I was repeating this guy's fucking, you know. Was I playing racquet ball?

I was tossing racquet ball. Tossing. And here's where the nightmare is. He's just throwing it. I can't throw it. Yeah. Oh, I can't punch in my dreams either. Yeah.

I could have a 20 mile run in the start. And by the time I get to that guy, I'm just my arm turns into ice. I had that when I was a kid. But now I swear to God, I was just talking to somebody about this last week. I can. I can control them very well. Most of my dreams are that I can fly and I fight demons and I can actually fight them and I kick the shit out.

Really? I swear to God. It used to be that I was like, it would be that I could fly and I would get to a certain height and I would get like that feeling in my stomach and I would fall down and wake up. But I've been able to control it and push myself past it. Damn. Now I'm zipping around everywhere.

You're getting the final boss, dude. They go to the cleaners fucking. Dude, he's running arrows in his face. Oh, you're chores. And there's always. I gotta hit the pharmacy. They close at 5.30. I better leave now.

There's always like a shadowy figure in the middle of the street. And like, I know that they're bad and I fly it out and I fight them. Damn. That's fucking incredible. Dude, the flying ones are the best. I haven't had one in a while. I haven't had one in a while. I had a dream like that recently.

I was like, lucid dreaming where I was like, oh, I'm dreaming. I can do fucking anything. And then Shane came in and he was like, you can't do shit. I'm no joke. This is actually the pockets. I couldn't fly anymore. I couldn't. We just power down.

God damn it. Dude, I've had dreams. I'd be opening for like a huge famous comedian in like a stadium and they're like, I'm like, you got this. And they're like, come to the stage next. Kevin Ryan. Oh, I couldn't be further from the stage and I have to like run down like from the top. I'm next.

That's me. I can't. I just can't get to the stage. To your hands or hoes. And sometimes I get there and there's no Mike. And I'm just like, I just got his story. I try to project for 30,000 people. Everything I learned at Ravenland is coming in.

All right. First hand. Who can hear me? When in all comics, Mike, it's out. Oh, dude, it's a, that's a fucked up feeling. How are things at the house, boys? Great. How's everything going with you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, yeah, doing really well. We had a nice trip out west. Incredible. Tacoma Portland. Shout out to you guys. Took a train ride from Seattle to Portland. Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Kind of wanting to do that. We do that in the car. It's real nice. Yeah. That ride's nice. Yeah, it is.

Download it. Okay. We're going to go to the seas and. Sure. Yeah. Boat on trash. What kind of train did you take? Amtrak.

Okay. I wouldn't mind doing one of those. Freight. You took jump auto Connor. Get on. I'm not going to leave you. Throw in my bags too. You can't throw the bag.

It's like it's falling. Throw the bag and trip and watch it. Yeah. We get on. There's just three dudes from the 50s. Like, where you going, boy? Looks like your buddy didn't make it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get on. There's just three dudes from the 50s. Like, where you going, boy? Yeah. Looks like your buddy didn't make it.

You can share my beans if you want to. I wanted to do one of those sleeper cars. Yeah. Where you take the train across country and see all the sites. That takes for, I looked into it. It's like 17 day. It's like a very, very long time. Is this in Europe or America?

America. You can do it. There's a really good one from like New York through Toronto and then like up top of Canada. I think it's the Canadian Pacific. It is. And it's apparently, it's like crazy nice, but it takes, it's like 28 days or something crazy. Who's got the dime?

I mean. That would be nice. I would be okay with that. I will find it. Yeah. For 17 days just to be, not have to really do anything but be on the train. Food's got to be pretty good. I smell a Patreon goal.

Plus. Plus. Plus. We have one to take him to the Grand Canyon. Dude, take a train. He's never seen the Grand Canyon. We can do that. I've never seen the Grand Canyon either.

Dude. I've never seen it in person. I've flown over it. What are you talking about? I've seen pictures. You guys ever see a postcard at the Grand Canyon? Yeah. It was just like being there.

My dad said. I was FaceTiming it the other day. No assault in person. And what are you, how come you've been to the Grand Canyon? You say that like everybody should be there. Yeah. I mean at this age you should have been there already. When did you go?

I don't know if I disagree. I mean like it is a thing that a lot of people see. I went on. I get out of here with that bullshit. I went on 9-11. Is that in Wildwood somewhere? You went on 9-11. I had to get out of the city.

You're joking. Yeah. Let the heat blow over. Never. Yeah. No. I don't remember. It was like college.

I just went. I went to go to like. Sounds like a crazy spring break. Well, Drexel has like three semesters. A trimester. Yeah. Our spring break is like. I've never understood that.

Elderly Jewish women in like fucking retirement homes. There's nowhere to go where there's odd chicks. You at 21 at the Grand Canyon, I imagine you looked at the Grand Canyon for one second and then we're just trying to fuck. You think I sick my dick in there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you were licking. I actually cried. Really? I remember tearing up. Huh. And he's going to lose all his liquids too. Yeah. He's a.

He's a. You're like a fan of the earth. You're a weird dude. You like ships and stuff like. Every time I'm around you, I start getting those ship videos in my algorithm. I think it just because we're on the same Wi-Fi or whatever. It goes, oh, he's autistic too. Give him the videos.

Speaking of ships, Gordon Lightfoot died this week. You all right? Yeah. He was at the mayor of Detroit. No. Yes. Laurie Lightfoot. Yeah.

Laurie Lightfoot. Yeah. She looks like the new Dodger. No. The Jeep. No. The new Bronco. The new Bronco.

She looks like the new Bronco. Yeah. You ever see the headlights on the new Bronco? Look up Laurie Lightfoot and the new Bronco. He knows who she is. Tell me they don't look alike, dude. Insert it in, Toby. No.

He was the Canadian singer-songwriter. He wrote the bow to the Edmund Fitzgerald. Yeah. Oh, wow. 84 years old. Just listening to him this week. That's a tanker that wrecked in the Great Lakes. Oh.

Yeah. Why does this mean anything to you? Because he said O'Connor likes ships. Yeah. No, no. Why does this mean anything to you emotionally and personally? I love Gordon Lightfoot. Yeah.

A lot of great hits. Edmund Fitzgerald was a great one. Sundown, if you could read my mind. Oh, that's a real good bridge. This is nice. See, I like you. If you could read my mind, you stink. Can you hear moving on?

Who's saying that song next, please? Anyway, guys, thanks for having us again, man. Yeah, this place is fucking gorgeous. Thank you. I know they don't get to see you. Thank you. Did you give them a tour of the whole place? We haven't yet.

You got to do it. Keeping it under wraps a little. It's great. Yeah. I got to see the rec room where you put all the merch I sent you. $400 worth of fucking merch. You're like, are we doing this? It was all the room size.

Man, did you bring a fucking lollipop to a gunfight? Let me tell you something. Mr. CEO of stuff. You sent all the wrong stuff, and I didn't see a goddamn hat over there. Big man didn't get his hat. The only thing that fits the guy on a whole fucking website, you didn't even send it to your best pal. What did happen to the hats?

They're being made. No, but what happened to the two hats that we have? We should have just brought a hat. We should have brought a hat. You screwed me. God damn sorry. Anyway, anyone bring it up? I don't know.

Good view of the Empire State Building. Sure. Second whiskey, but we're really pulling in here. Well, we did want to have, we've only drank in here with guests once. It was Burt. We christened the studio with Burt, had a couple of two tree pops with him. I can't pass up a time to have a beer. It could be 6 a.m. and it seems like I'm having a beer.

I got to have a fucking beer. Yeah, of course. Sure. And then we were like, we've been saying it for weeks, we've got to get the boys in, get a good old fashioned fucking, you know, Bruhaha going. That's getting ripped. Yeah. And then I was glad you did clear your schedule because after this we're going out and getting

real fucked up. You got damn right. Yeah, maybe a nice din din too. I told other people not to try to contact me. I was like, I'm not going to get back to you. My wife asked me what I was doing. I said, oh, I was like, yeah, we might have a couple of drinks on the pod. She's like, why?

I was like, Tommy, Tommy and O'Connor are coming over. She goes, oh, you're baseball friend? What an honor. Yeah, dude. That's what it is. Yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be trouble tonight. Yeah, you're on. I'm already in the dark.

You're in a weird mood and drinking. Yeah, the first thing I thought of when I saw the Empire State Building was a week before that, but it was like before my brother went off to college. Yeah, listen to this. My yard is buried down. You're not there on a fire escape with this guy. He drops his jam. Yeah, my brother, my brother was going off to college.

It was like the last time we were going to hang out and we went to the Empire State Building. We went up to the top and we were looking at the Twin Towers and we were like, ah, man, those buildings fucking suck. Oh, week before night of that. Later it was like, I just took care of it. Yeah, that's what I said. Holy shit. You don't like the Twin Towers?

Luke for Christ's sake. We're all idiots right over here. We're eight minutes in. This guy's paying tribute to fucking the hijackers over here. Ken, let's talk about display. Uh, display? Are you using like regular posters on the wall that are all flimsy and dog-eared and real trashy? Yeah, you know why?

Because I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, you are a fucking idiot, but that's neither here nor there because we're talking about display. We're talking about metal. We're talking about solid, beautiful posters that hang on the wall in about two tree seconds. Plus they have awesome licensing deals. We're talking about Marvel. We're talking about Star Wars. We're talking about Peaky Blinders.

They got, oh, shout out to the Peaky Blinders. Hang one of those things up on the wall. Yeah, I'm a Seinfeld buff. As you know, addicted to the guy. Love the stuff. Love the show. We got a Seinfeld one hanging up out there. Totes got it mounted over the fireplace.

There's also metal posters. Easy to hang. Switch out whenever you're ready for a change. If you're a gamer, grab some of the doom and world of Warcraft or check out Star Wars. Peaky Blinders is the big man said. Click the link in our description to see some of our favorites and get your ready to hang piece of art. Save 22% if you buy one or two, but you get 33% off when you buy three or more. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Luke, can I get a PBR, please? T-Bones got me. Never mind, Luke. You can also get up and get them. I got them all jammed up. I swear we got T-Bones. Also, no. What happens is I would get up.

You'd be like, what are you leaving me and turn it on me? You're locked in a baby seat with all this fucking tech. I know. I'm in here like a goddamn circuit city. Oh, you think funny. Thank you, T-Bones. You got to get some of the shit wireless, dude. This is nuts.

Oh, that's guaranteed to break. Yeah, something. Wireless shit. Oh, it barely works. Wired. Yeah. Dude, you sound like a dad putting a stereo together. Dude, because it's always...

Dude, I look at all these parts and I'm just thinking of the amount of adapters you wound up finding out that you needed while setting up. Woused? Woused. Did I say wow? Who says that? I said wow. Okay.

You heard wow. I heard wow. It's wild. You know what? It's wild. Either way, you're wrong. It's wild. That's what I said.

Okay. Jesus Christ. Are we all this fucked up already? I'm not drunk at all. That's what the drunken guy in the room said. Do you know how many times I've said that? I'm not even that fucked up. I'm screaming at a family member.

You fucking pussy. I'm not even drunk, dude. I'm not even drunk, dude. Put the turkey down, Kev. Put the turkey down. Oh, Connor, what are you talking about? First of all, what cordless and what adapters? What is this?

Heck hour with the four idiots? I'm just saying, anytime you set something up, they tell you what parts you need and then you wind up going in to set it up and it's like, oh, actually, you need this extra thing and then... He's not wrong. Who told you? Anytime one of you two asks me a question, if Tommy asks, it's like, Chris is a fucking idiot, I know what's going on.

Well, because we're both fucking idiots and neither of us have any idea what's going on. But they think they're both not idiots. That's the problem. Well, there's an overlap. You gotta trick them. You gotta keep these pussies on their toes. Dude, Tommy came in asking tech questions. I was like, what the...

They change roles over there or something. Look at the camera. Look how beautiful this is. This is like, you know, this is the goal. This is what to go into debt up to your eyeballs. Yes. Eventually. I'll walk into the party boys.

Yeah. I can't wait to get... It's funny, the energy does change so much when we get a couple of drinks in it. She came in very formal. You were wandering around in the studio. I was trying to... I was trying to check Chris's pockets with things on the way out. I was stealing his own merch bag.

I was trying to get the... I brought that ashtray. I brought that. It says Tooties on it. He knows. He's picking up the merch from Stuff Island. Look over, he's wearing the night suit. Which he would fit in that.

Can we get you in there? Please, man. We could put you in that. That is you. It's a little greasy. It's a little... It's very greasy. That is you.

It's a little too tall. He's like 6'1". Yeah. Yeah. It's like a saddle. No. It's bail. From up here, though.

Oh Connor, you would fit in that perfectly. There's no way. Wait. Just a cut and come back in. Not a fucking chance. No, it's like that. I'll never let me do that again. It's got the helmet on.

Oh, man. Everything's all right. That's a real suit of armor. It's like that... No, it's not. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, we got an apple beast. You think there was a knight in the Middle Ages with the legs like that?

Yo, this is going to end with someone getting stabbed with a sword. Yeah, but first of all... That's a real sword, too. It's made out of 10,000 blood like cans. No, man, that's real armor right there. You could get that with a racquetball. That's joust certified. I'm telling you.

He stole it from medieval times. The Blue Knight gave it to us. Look at the thighs, dude. Yeah, the thighs aren't great, but they were littler back then, no Connor. He's got Homer Simpson gap. Yeah, dude, it really does. It's like fucking... It's for a little bald man.

It's on a mannequin thing in there. Yeah, you'd put that on and be a little bit tighter. No, it needs to be looser, dude. I feel like... Look at the hips. We all know it's not real, guys. I mean, we could get you in the top. The top would fit.

I'm in the top. All right, I'll get in the top. I'm in the top easy. It would be nice to adorn like some chainmail. It would be cool. You had to think we would fare back then. In the spring. We?

Yeah. What, you got a fucking mouse in your pocket? This side of tail would be okay. They would probably think he's some sort of god or something. Yeah, true. He's just getting his dick sucked. Dude, fed fucking meat and cheese all day long. No, yeah.

A lot of grapes back then. I imagined Foley being an animal back then. You know, like the beginning of fucking Gladiator when there's that like, that German dude who's like... And he's just swinging that thing and just fucking... I'd be like Donad the Berserker or something. Yeah. German would have made swinging.

Like when the elephant crushes in 300, just fucking... Oh, dude, yeah. I'd be... I'd die. Anyway, we're going to try that one after this. Get all fucked up. I wouldn't make it two weeks without my heartburn medication. What are you, kidney?

Fuck that. What's the in-ear situation down here? I think about that shit all the time, man. Before air conditioning and refrigeration, I don't give a fuck what's going on. I would not want to be around for it. Oh, dude, without Uber, I'd be dead. Well, also, even like the therns they take in the Uber.

I know, but at least they get you home. Dude, I wanted some guy in a donkey. The way I... You're an idiot! The way I drink... I'm drinking the BQE. You're stuck, he's going the wrong way. That's fucking idiot.

You can't get good help anymore. Did you stop that thing from shitting? Dude, the way I drink and the places I choose to go when I'm drinking, there's no way I would be a hail in a cab. Yeah, you've been a different country every fucking week. Yeah, you'd wake up in a different time period. Dude, man, no 17 languages. I'd be underground.

Yeah, it's because you're just drunk. He gets caught in a different conflict. He keeps looking for after-hour spots. You start drinking, you're just chasing the sun or whatever. He's putting a letter in a carrier pigeon to tell his family he's in Sudan now. It's two for one. Two for one.

It's happy hour all day. Tell mom. What is that? All the carrier pigeons died. Is that true? What? I think carrier pigeons are extinct. Oh, the actual species of carrier pigeons.

As a breed, I'm sure they're still banging. I don't know, I don't think so. Is it a breed or are they all over queens? I kicked one on my way here. They flip them when the cops are coming. What are you talking about? They take their little uniform up on shit. Wait, hold on.

I thought a carrier pigeon was just a pigeon that was assigned to be messages. But I think he's right. It is a certain breed of pigeon. Yeah, and I think they're extinct. I think like, because they actually used to use them to like send letters. If you know that and you're right, that's weird.

You're gonna just be a pigeon off this street and get a carrier job. You gotta know somebody to vouch for them. The Benny's alone on that job. They wear polo shirts and a hard hat. Kaki's on site. You're like, that guy's different. Got a beach house and point lookout.

Toby, what's the deal? Yeah, 1914, the last known passenger pigeon, a female named Martha, died of the Cincinnati Zoo. Sometimes autism does speak. And I, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great, great. And I tell you, because I wanted one. Wait.

Why? Well, and when? Well, first it started. Slow this down. I mean, there was a girl I liked in school. And she wouldn't respond. I didn't have the balls to talk. She was right next to me just throwing it in her head.

I mean, dude, in the middle of math class. Dude, imagine if you had access to roads. Chris, is that a pigeon in your desk? Oh, Connor's just looking around. Tell me, if you had the last passenger pigeon, imagine how much pussy you'd be getting. Dude, delivering, I mean, my handwriting's terrible, the handwritten letters.

Just hand-drawn dick pics. Wait and see what she says. Dear Stephanie, I hope this letter finds you well. It's just a drawing of your weird dick. Well, first I was curious. Your odd shaped wiener. How do they work? How do you communicate to a pigeon?

Where to go? Toby? Go look. How do they know where to go? I mean, they'll ruin it. They'll ruin it. They'll ruin it. They'll ruin it.

They'll ruin it. They'll ruin it. How do they know where to go? I mean, they'll ruin the podcast. No, it's all right. I want to know now. I know, but you have to just guess, because I've tried to look this up,

and nobody gives you good answers. They have to have something on the other end, like a piece of bacon or something like that. No, it's just like one of those things. They just love bacon. There's one thing I know about birds. It's their love for pork products. They're throwing some pork seed out there for the babies.

All right, they take the pigeon from its home, and they transport it to a spot. They attach a message to it, and then it naturally flies home. Yeah. It goes back to point A. So it's only a one-way call? Wait, yeah. Also, you have to go to the place to...

Yeah, so this is the whole point, so you don't have to go to where the thing needs to be. See, this is what I'm saying. The whole thing is broken. Wait, what do you... Oh, what do you guys think? Carrier pigeons are outdated technology? Yeah.

No, but I'm saying... Who do you want to call back? I'm saying it doesn't even make sense in... No, yes, it does totally. No. If you... Yes. If you ever...

I got to travel somewhere to send a message back home. That doesn't make any sense. When did they use them? No, you don't have to travel to send the message. You're traveling, and to send the message... Oh, it just goes home. ...the bird goes home. Oh, so you can only call home.

We heard from Chris. He's currently in the Sudane Drinking. Here we go. You steal the bird. No, you got a long trek, and you got some shit to do. You take the bird with you so you can send postcards back. I got to go to the Grand Canyon. I got to get Chris to the Grand Canyon.

Let him know I found the Grand Canyon. Hey, Chris, found the Grand Canyon. There you go. I feel like I'm... I'll see you in eight weeks. And then Chris grabs the bird, puts it in the holster, and case he has to give me a message. No, it's not going to go home. No, it's not going to go home.

So it's a one-way call. That's why they're fucking dead. You got to shoot them in the head after you... That's a why he's got the dirt on you, too. He knows where you're at. This is a one-puff vape. I got no use for this fucking thing. Tommy's up there drinking.

What? I think if you're a... Okay, so you're a soldier in World War I, French soldier. You move up to the lines. I'm an American soldier. I don't have to fucking talk about it. I'm not being a frog for this. You move up through the lines, and then you see, oh shit, the Germans are right there.

Send the fucking bird back. Let him know, hey... Yeah. Hey, you got it. Probably something not perfect. Let him know, hey... But how do you establish home? They have to be born in the place?

Well, I was actually... You got a better breakdown. They do still exist. Thank you. Paolo Escobar was using him when he was in jail in the cathedral. Really? Yeah. I see narcos.

Yeah, they smuggled cell phones and SIM cards in prisons. I heard whatever I'm around. Yeah, I see narcos. I see narcos. Wait, so... My eyebrows got all fucked up. Wait, so O'Conny... They're both extinct and not extinct.

Your dream is alive, man. You can get this pigeon, dude. Let's go. Let's do it. You should have a... You should have a coop of pigeons in your backyard. You got the backyard. You can flip some pigeons.

I'm surprised you're not growing anything out there, by the way. We did the last three years. Four or five years. Okay. Well, last year... Someone came over and planted things and then we didn't harvest them. That was last year. Last year was kind of...

Yeah, okay. We let the cucumbers get too plump. They went bonzo. Everything went bonzo. They came over and planted stuff. My old roommate... Yeah. Okay.

Tommy was like, I want a fresh garden. No, he wanted a fresh garden. What? And then he never came to fucking take care of it. You could use those ingredients for a look at this. That's what I'm saying. You got to earn some of the things that go and you got to wait for the cherry tomatoes. Cherry tomatoes, they blossom to a wild amount to like...

You're plucking 100 every like two days. And you can't use it all unless you're making... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm doing them this year. We're doing cherry tomatoes. Yeah, you should. Yeah. You got a new spot, right?

Yeah. Where are you? Where are you? Or do you don't say? One plant is enough. One tomato plant? I think so. It depends on what...

I want to do tomatoes, cucumbers. Do cucumbers. You got a moth stick plant for me? Yeah, meatloaf plant was all right. Are you a meatloaf guy? Yeah. You're dark. You should do that on a look at day.

You should make a good meatloaf. Do you want to do a meatloaf next time you're coming? I would love to do that. They don't know. Wait. Yeah, they don't. What is meatloaf? It's a loaf of meat.

How do you know what... Talk about an existential breakdown. Yeah. You know what passions and pigeons are? You don't know what meatloaf is. Is hamburger meat in a steak form? Not necessarily. I don't know.

It's pork, veal, and hamburger with a little bit of breadcrumbs. It's a meatball. Yeah. It's a big meatball. It's a giant Italian meatball in a loaf, but they have separate glazes for it. Your mom didn't make meatloaf growing up? Never throw meatloaf at you? Maybe once in a while.

I just ate whatever was in front of me, dude. I didn't listen to what it was. All right. Well, thanks for coming. I enjoyed you today, huh? I think I'm pretty sure every meal was chicken, barman, egg noodles. And then occasionally... That sounds all right.

Occasionally a pork chop that was inedible. Beyond cooked to a tire. Yeah, inedible. Yeah. Michelin chop. Yeah. You know what we forget, though? Tacos.

Is that when our moms had us, they were young. They did suck. Horse. They did suck. They did suck in the kitchen when they were young. They were loose in the hips. Letting anybody goof in them at 21. Your second boyfriend goofing in you.

Any guy with a 401K that rolled by, they didn't know how to make shit. My mom sucked when we started out. She made a good apple pie, but that was it. It took her years to get the cutlets right. I'll drunk her, you. I'm pretty drunk. What time's that spot, big guy? I'm having a nice time.

Yeah, yeah. You ain't going... D, they were trying their best. He goes off on a big tangent. She made a good one. No, I honestly don't think it was my mom's fault, really. I think it was my dad was the limiting factor. Because anytime she tried to make something good, he'd be like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, yeah. He'd be like, give me the shit that I want dry pork and I want chicken, parm, and egg noodles. So there was no experimentation. No experimentation. Wait, your dad was old school like that? Yeah, yeah. Egg noodles.

My dad doesn't like eating strawberries because of the seeds. Because it's gang. This is how it... He's like... Yeah. Your dad eats a hot dog like a typewriter? No, dude. Like a quarter of a cup.

That brings up... That is funny, but I don't understand it. It's because he doesn't want to... He doesn't want to eat it like a wiener. He doesn't want to glizzy it. Christ, Christ. Drink this. You're going to come back to us.

I've been dying. I've been dying. I promise you, babe. Ever since... Can we get a B12 shot for this guy? Yeah. Do you have some liquid ivy or something? God, if you just take an iPhone charger, shove it in his ass, he'll be back to normal

30 minutes. What are you worried about? Things are going good. Everything's good. You're still looking good. I'm not worried about anything. That's the problem. That's what my dad said.

My dad used to say that when he was worried about everything. He killed himself 30 years ago. That was... That was... Trust me. I know worry. You catch some food in there? Oh, man.

I heard it. This beer is done. That beer is new. That beer is never being touched. What was it? What? What was the food? That was just...

That was like back against the wall. Fucking... It's out of... Oh, he caught it. He caught it. Deep to right field. Look at him. Bully's got it.

Bring it back. We couldn't get past that tongue. Oh, dude. We talked about this. We've been talking about this. What are we talking about? What is the best... If you can't grill a hot dog, obviously grilling a hot dog is the best way to make a hot dog.

What's your second... What's the trashy way you make hot dog? I don't know if I would... I would go with that, by the way. Cut it down in the middle. Crisp it up both sides. That's weird, man. That's weird.

Oh, no grill? No grill. So you're in the kitchen. First of all, let me tell you this. A toaster. You can boil it. You can microwave it. You can put it in the oven.

You can boil it. You can microwave it. You can put it on a pan. Oh, kind of. If you're slicing a hot dog, you're out. Oh, baby. Right out of the fridge. Get it cold.

I watched my stepdad do that. I was at 13. You can boil it. I was cold 9-1-1. I thought he was going to get salmonella. I didn't know they were pretty good. Salmonella. Yeah, well, I thought he was going to get salmonella.

Man. Jesus Christ. If you're wearing headphones, if you're not throwing those to the other side of the fucking Starbucks here in that line, we're in Duncan's car by the way. He's just in the car like... Oh, my God. Let me turn it on me. O'Connor gets his legs back in him and it turns on me.

Let's go. Let's go. I said 10 minutes. He takes it always for the first time. This is what I've been training him for. O'Connor was up against the ropes. He stopped the pressure there for a little while. But now he's coming back.

Oh, he gives Kippy a right. Oh, Tommy a left. He goes for an eight-maker on the big man. Let's check it on Kati. Let's check it on Kati. We're still buffering to buffering. I'll put a buffer in. St. Joe's lost last night.

Now, by the way. I'll tell you the truth. Here's what you do. A grill. I would love to get your professional. No grill. Girl's out the door. Hold on a second.

No fire of any kind. You're in your kitchen. I want to establish something before we get started. The cutting down the middle and all that bullshit, that stuff is lame. We're not talking about any of that. Putting some flare on it ain't bad. It heats the middle quicker. Dude, and the juice is sitting the trench.

No, get out of that. Let's have a taste of the professional. You cook it in a pan. You cook it in a pan. Everybody get out of the pan. Tommy, what do your eyebrows say? I do. Let's not go to Tommy's eyebrows.

You're very frustrated. Tommy's eyebrows with the weather. Big fan of the slice. That's how the hot dogs should look when Tommy's out of the room. Tommy, give me a hot dog. This is the thrill, man. You don't want the Nathan's, will you? Kibble, it's like a hot dog.

Tommy, give me a hot dog. Tommy, give me a hot dog. Tommy, give me a hot dog. Tommy, give me a hot dog. This is the thrill, man. Kibble, let's talk about Blue Chew. Knock, knock. Who's there?

My boner. Talk about a product I can get behind, baby. Uh-huh. Not only are spokesmen talking client right here. You should be the president. I got a handful of those things sitting next to the bed. I'll tell you that right now. I do them just to pee sometimes.

Gang, we're not all young men anymore. You need a little help. You know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. If you had a sore knee, you'd throw a knee brace on it. If the Johnson's not working, get yourself some Blue Chew. I know. Be up there standing at attention, saluting the flag.

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Yes, we do. Now, back to the show. Back to the show. No, I'm a big fan of the Slice. What? There's no juice. You're not missing out. It's a nitrate.

You're telling me your mom was slicing the hot dog down the middle. You're not saying that. He's saying he likes doing that now. That's crazy. Is the difference between what your mom did and what you can do now as a 56-year-old man? Yeah. Still getting a personal attack on me.

Or me. I mean, he's got them on both sides. I don't know. No, the slicing, I like the more, I like charring on both sides as the grill is the only option. Then I char the bun on both sides as well for texture. Okay. Say it's 3 a.m., you're at the house. You got nothing in the fridge.

Yeah, you're not doing that as fucking bullshit. I got a hack of diesel. I got you. Are you doing the same thing? I'm slicing. What about the fork through the middle of the Wonder Bread? I need fucking answer. Wait, what do you mean?

To make a roll? Pat down the middle of the bread. If you don't have rolls? No. Take a fork. Let's hear from the guy who's never cooked it once in his life. Wait, hold on. We're on this.

Tommy, put a hit in your eyebrow, we'll be right back. No. Tommy, I'll do a PBR. What are you talking about? In order to make a roll out of a slice of bread when you don't have rolls. Is bend it? No, no, no, no, no. Because it might, you know, if you've got shitty bread it might crack.

What do you do? What are you using? He's not... So what you do is you take a fork and you press down the middle so you make like a little pocket. It's a little harder. You make a hinge. Yeah, and then you roll it over.

That's how we did it. So you're telling me you got the piece of bread and now put it in? Sick dad, you're piping bite down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My culture's not your comedy, dude. Man, you are a different level. Who was doing that? Your parents?

Oh, yeah. Uh-uh. It's not established. That is family. Psycho fans. You put the... Tommy, where did you go? He's gonna kick the shit out of Luke for not being Johnny on the spot.

He's out there beating Luke by Luke, though. Oh, wow. Well, you guys just... That's not something. I'm telling you, try it out. It's good. Someone listening to this has done this before. That, or my dad, is a technical genius.

He is an engineer, isn't he? Yeah. He may have come up with it. Where did you go? I had to touch up my zit. Are you serious? No, I'm not fucking serious. Are you talking about the one right here or the one right here?

Fuck you. Oh, big man coming in with an A-maker. Just when you thought he was down and out. This is what you do. Okay, so we're back. Yeah. You only have your... You gotta think...

You got a toaster? Yes. You got an air fryer? Yes. You got a frying pan and a microwave? Air fryer. Here's the basics. You want to replicate...

The reason I started with the char grilling aspect, I want to tell you that the optimal... Which I'm out on, by the way. That's great. I don't support any of this. I already heard. I already heard. So you want...

What about the... The Italians and the complicated... What about the diagonal... I'll spiral off. I'll go spiral off. I'll do that. I want to feel fancy. That's not a hot dog and nobody does that.

That's a hot dog. No. First of all, my uncle Sam was doing it back in the day, the first time I ever saw it. Shout out to him. I swear to God, I was at my 10th birthday party. I had a babysitter one time. I had a babysitter one time.

Really made the party. Yeah. Yeah. I had a babysitter one time, slice it down the middle. I'm waiting for you to finish. I'm going to tell you. Well, you want to answer a question about grilling. Nobody's talking about grilling.

We're talking about... You're in your kitchen. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I'm feeling a bear hug fucking corporate takeover. I've been watching succession all week. You're fine. I'll start the sentence over for the fifth fucking time. Okay. I started with the...

Hey, whiskey Tommy's here. Oh, yeah. The optimal grilling situation. I like whiskey Tommy. But Tommy, there's no grill. Shut the fuck up. I'm going to describe... I'm going to describe...

You got a grill and we're going to describe... He's talking about a cast iron skillet. I'm going to describe... He's talking about a cast iron skillet. I'm going to describe... He's talking about a cast iron skillet. You're wasting our time if you're going to be talking about grilling. The reason I'm talking about...

Are you boiling it? Or are you cooking it in a pan? Are you taking a lighter and just going back and forth on it? That works, actually. I've been in the hotel room. I've been jammed up. I've been jammed up. It does.

I also love you in a hotel room. What's a cook time? I'm going to have a pack of hot dogs. What's a cook time for a human national under a bick? It's about a half an episode or so. I'll tell you that. Dude, imagine the maid calling the SWAT team to fuck with the lights out. He's cooking a hot dog.

He's just that guy on the third floor cooking a hot dog. Sir, have you been smoking in here? Not exactly. So the grilling thing is you char both sides of the dog and the bun for texture. That's optimal, right? To duplicate that in just the kitchen. If you use cast iron as optimal and you put weight on top, I have like a little weight thing you can put on a press or you can put a pan.

Just put another pan on top of the dog because when you slice it, it curls the ends. So if you can flatten that with another pan on top of a larger pan, it'll keep it flat and cooking at a high temperature to caramelize. This is all European bullshit. That's not the way a hot dog should be cooked. You don't slice it. You don't slice it. Would you go to a French culinary school?

You don't slice it. All right, that's fine. Henry. Why are you dying on this hill? What are you talking about? Hot dogs. This is all he's got to live here with, man. You ever cut them open?

You've never watched... 17 fly-outs. This guy's mostly dogs. This is entire America. Hot dogs and license plates. They're all undercooked. Yeah, these tiger sharks are pretty wild. It's like Jaws going through Haberset.

Jaws is a land shark. And then you take the bun and put it in the toast because it'll evenly crisp on both sides. So the crisping on the inside is to keep from the moisture overtaking the inside. On the outside, the texture is the crunch. People don't think to cook the outside of like a burger bun, but you get the crunch. They cook the inside so it doesn't oversaturate with moisture

and make it soft and chewy. Okay. Oh yeah, not for sure. Cooking a hot dog in a hotel room with a lighter is fine. Hey, did a job, didn't it? He was able to pass out 20 minutes later, right? I slept through the alarm, didn't I, Tommy? That's how I fought the beast.

I don't like him cut. You know what's crazy is I hear stuff like that and as depraved as it is, I still admire the ambition, the get up and go. Why not just eat it cold? Because you're not a psychopath. Yeah. And you are.

But watching Seinfeld and burning a hot dog for 15 minutes with a big lighter is more sane than just eating a cold hot dog. He was probably doing a bite bite bite. Yes, I actually do. Forge one bite. I'm taking that. I'm taking them.

Yeah. Dude, I got to get your blowtorch out of this. The butane. No, it's nice. All right, let's then go. What do you think? Pan's out, right? You do the pan.

But now, what's the next step? At what point are you putting it in a microwave or a toaster? I think you just divorce your wife, leave your kids and fucking back up and go. Tommy's not eating hot dogs like that at the house. He's making nice stuff. No, I eat hot dogs once or twice a year and it's usually.

So the episode we're going to do, I was thinking about doing a Memorial Day episode. Right. To kick off summer. I love that. He's doing it on a grill, like a gentleman. I was thinking of doing skirt steak tacos. I'll make some two taco sauces.

That's real American tacos. No, no. Get out of here. Burmese and dogs, get the fuck out. That's enough with the skirt steak, too. It's a hot dog taco. It's a hot dog taco. Me, Tommy.

Skirt steak. Some wonderful queens. What are we talking here? Disrespect. I'm not doing chimichurri sauce on a fourth of July. I'll tell you that. Well, that's why I'm going to have a bowl of raw hot dogs for you. And one of those big grill lighters.

Give you a big with an extendable, twistable bucket. And a spackle bucket with a garbage bag in it. Shit that out. If I was just sitting on a lawn chair just cooking hot dogs one by one. Yeah, America, boys. That's how our forefathers did it. He still goes out to the troops. He's got a carrier pigeon on his shoulder.

He's just sending them to key foods to get more hot dogs. Find your way home, boys. Find your way home. I grew up on my own having to, I would microwave them. Sure. Cheese dogs were nice in a microwave. A minute. And I throw them on some Martin's potato roll.

Yeah. We boiled. We boiled. The heavy boiling. Yeah, we were boiled. I go microwave before boil. Really? Yeah.

Did you ever hear this track? My mind was blown. My aunt was taking us to the beach. She boiled the hot dogs in a wild wood motel room. You're like the fucking seashell motel or whatever. And then took the hot water and the hot dogs and put it in like a six pack cooler and brought it to the beach. So you opened it up and had hot hot dogs right on the fucking beach.

Shit. It blew my life. Does America have a queen? That is unfucking unbelievable. If it does, it's a carry. Oh my God. Yeah. That's when they're at their best.

Right out of the hot water. Poorly made. Oh, I thought you meant ants. When they're coming up with 14 kids with eight bucks. Yeah, dude. That's what it was. She had to feed fucking 14 fat kids. Yeah.

She was like, that's up there engineering wise with like Apollo 13. Come up with like that way to convert oxygen. We got to fit this circle and this square with these things. How do we keep these hot dogs hot? We can use the cooler. What? How do you make a cooler? The neighbors at the motel were like, that ain't going to work.

First of all, you're in your mind, lady. This is madness. You're going to kill everybody on that beach. Her mom's up there on the chalkboard like, we need to get these hot dogs from here to here. It's just my mouth. And I'm not going to let us in. There's a beach in the middle. Everyone's got high in tights or smoking cigarettes.

We're in vests. And Harris is there for some reason. Everybody's sleeves are rolled up. I'm not going to let these Americans die on my watch, gentlemen. I'm going to let this fat kid starve on 4th of July weekend in Wildland. Now listen to me. Listen to me right now. That fat piece of shit's going to be done body surfing in about five minutes.

And he better have a goddamn hot dog in his mouth. If he takes a bite, 200 guys stand up. I don't complain. Dude, I imagine there's like 400 coolers in ain't Karen's backyard. Because you can only travel with hot dog water once. Without throwing that fucking thing out. That nice party for sure. That cooler turns into a hockey bag, dude.

Houston, we need some musker. Yeah, someone in the back's just like, nothing on that. This is going to be a disaster. Actually, I think it's going to be our finest hour. I'll never forget. I remember being there. I was like, oh, we're trashy. Like, even that.

It was like, it was great and it blew my mind. But it was one of those moments that forever stuck with me of, man, we're caught from a little bit of a different call. Because I've never seen this before. No one's rolling with fucking a cooler full of diesel. Yeah, but when you're 13, you're like, the shit is fucking me. Yeah, she was shot out there. She's a brilliant woman.

Hey, let me tell you this. Dude, she was putting that on TikTok. She'd be true to roof. There you go. There he is. Thanks for checking in. Hit the button, Toby. Let's get this thing started, boys.

Hey, everybody out there. Question number one, if you were to cook a hot dog, because another thing too, so we've been talking diesels or hot dogs a lot. But it was the hot dog roller. My boy Pat's family had a hot dog roller. And for parties in the summer, you go, they have like a pool, whatever you're hanging.

They would do like a big crab thing or whatever. But they'd always have a hot dog roller with like just 30 dogs going at all times. That's a big guess. So you're there drinking your fucked up. You just walk over, throw one on, stave off the blackout a little bit. I thought you meant it was like a joint roller. You're just rolling fresh hot dogs.

You thought we were tubing them at the time. You buy the bologna and then you just roll it. No, that's actually, that's a brilliant move because people, like growing up, you would think a hot dog roller, you'd have to like invest in the 7-Eleven. They're probably like $154 going to be here tomorrow. I swear to God, I just bought one. To this day, when I see the grease on a 7-Eleven hot dog roller,

I'm salivating. It's something about it's all, there's a great snap on a hot dog roller. If they really took some, some care, some love into that hot dog roller. You got to be consulting for this. They really could, they could make some magic over there. They really could. They just, they don't try.

They don't, man, they're just standing back there jerking. 7-Eleven. Tommy earnestly goes, what's he talking about? They're not taking care over itself. I mean, they should be. They're fighting off crackheads. I wouldn't be worried about that. They're hiring a security guard every day.

You are straight on the downhill into old age when you're like, they don't even try over there. I'll tell you this. That's the place where they're fighting for their life. Have you tried their seven-year-old apple pie? Dude, every shift you got to attack someone with a broom. I'll tell you this though. This is your job.

You ever had a weave in your hot dog? 7-Eleven, if you're watching. Get rid of the taquitos. Focus on the hot dogs and put some goddamn effin' into it. You'll be all right. Taquitos are great. Their chili sauce is great and their cheese ain't bad. The 7-Eleven pretzel, pretty fucking good.

They've always had a solid pretzel. It's better than Wawa. Wawa used to have good ones. 15 years ago, they fell the fuck off. 7-Eleven pretzel. 7-Eleven soft pretzel. 7-Eleven soft pretzel at Wawa. So fucking good.

They impulse buy it and try to get you. Yeah, and I get it every time. They either cook the middle. Yeah, they went downhill years ago, but 7-Eleven's still got a fucking hot pretzel. It's a heater, dude. It's a heater. I'm gonna get a soft pretzel.

Ah, it's not true. Okay, here we go. Here's why. Thanks for all the everybody. I caught myself. That's what that cough was earlier. I haven't had a soft pretzel since... Oh, yeah, I caught one the other day.

I caught 38 seconds. I caught up a whole Wawa. You caught up the keys to a 7-Eleven. I forgot that when my dad passed away, everybody brought the Philly pretzel. Is that the company? The Philly soft pretzel. Yeah, the little tray with the numbers.

They're fucking great, dude. That with the cheese, they have the cinnamon. First thing I do when I get to... And some buffalo, too, I think, to have a meal. When I get to Sturdy Street Station, first thing I do at Pretzel... They got one in there. Philly pretzel factory.

That's the first time I had a pretzel hot dog. Like, that hot dog... I knew I was fat. I was sitting on a bench, waiting to get a train back to the suburbs, eating a double hot dog pretzel bun. Had just shit in your pants. Dude, just grease.

I remember being like, I gotta make you change. Sitting on a cooler hot dog water. Dude, that lit my dad's world on fire. Oh, the hot dog pretzel. No, when just the pretzel... Philly saw a pretzel with the, like, yellow mustard. He was like...

That was the first time he had one. Yeah, he was like, Holy shit. Yes, dude. Yeah. Well, dude, back in the day, they used to sell them on the corners. Yeah.

There was the pretzel guys. Yeah. Two people were banned. They never stayed like that in our minivan. She trucked them. Really? Up over the hood,

over the windshield, all into the roof, and fell off the side at Woodhaven and Byberry. Dude, yes. What the hell happened? It was his fault. He bought pretzels off of them, because my fat ass was in the back seat

and wanted pretzels. He thought it was a drive-thru. You got something to show me? Hold on to the next pretzel guy. He'll help you. Yeah, smoke him, too. Oh, man. It's so funny.

Just burying the pretzel guy and turning around to be like, Free pretzels, kids. I'd act now. Come and get your fat ass out there and get the pretzels. Yeah. Coming in through the sun room.

Yeah, she just molts them. He went one way, and then went over, and she pressed the light, changed someone, I mean, hey, you play with fire, you're going to get burned.

You're selling pretzels in traffic. Dude, people don't realize, like, that pretzels were, like, such a staple where grade school, you'd have a salt pretzel snack time with juice. Sure. At lunch, you'd have bagged hard pretzels,

and then at home, that was your snack after dinner. You would eat cream cheese and pretzels. Yeah. I had pretzels three meals a day for like 20 years. Oh, that's all it was. That's all it was.

Dude, I was weaning off of pretzel when I went to college. I was like, how do I get a pretzel? They're like, oh, what? I was like, well, we got to go to a 7-11. Have you guys seen the food pyramid? I mean, 8 to 10 pretzels a day.

The whole bottom chunk is pretzel. Oh, I really bought into that food pyramid. Yeah. Dude, I remember eating toast going, that's only four servings. Yeah. Four slices of toast. I'm like, I'm halfway there.

That's why everybody's built like an upside-down pyramid. I know. Fucking heavy. I was just all, pretzels and milk. Oh, look at this, big man. More bread at table three, please, too.

Foley's blocking it at every single angle. There's nobody in shot right now. No, I'm still going. I'm gone. It's a foliate clip. Do you want some more? Roll into the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. Oh. Foley's in phase. Even with the goods, Dad. This is the first, I mean, I think we're like 300 some episodes. This is the first like proper drinking non-patreon episode we've had.

Let's go. Oh, cheers. Yeah. Well, we did the New Year's live stream, which, I mean, that was a proper blackout. Oh, my God. That was a proper. That was fun.

O'Connor wasn't there. That's why it was fun. He was finding himself. I'm kidding, Chris. I miss you, baby. You had your fun. O'Connor, I'll take a white cloth. White cloth, yes.

Thank you. What time of the day is it? I don't even know. Five? Hey, Siri. Thanks, pal. What time is it? Hey, Siri.

I'm going to pee real quick. All right. Let's see. Let's do some questions, guys. As you know, when you join a patreon, we will answer your garbage questions on the air. It's just the best way to do it. Hachi-machi.

This one's from Alex. What was the term you all used for high grade weed growing up? We used to say dank. Yeah, dank was big. Dank was big. That was the first one. Dank. I think we would say kind bud.

Kind was maybe. I remember when kind bud started. Kind bud. It was regular brick weed before that. And then people started growing it. Or we started getting our hands on it. And it was called kind bud. My roommate used to say the heady goodness.

Heady. Heady was good. This is real heady. Did you punch him in the face? I hope you did. Did you pull his lanyard off his belt? Slap it back. Hey, Bob Weir.

Shut up. Don't you got to go to Blackwater tomorrow? Dork? And bad was swag. Swag. Swag. Swag. Yeah.

Swiggits. I wasn't a big weed guy. No? No. You got any alcohol? Cook, I have any questions? He's got any meth questions over there. This one's just funny.

This was from Thomas. Have you ever kissed a fish? Yes. That's funny. You've caught a fish and kissed it? I have. I had a red tail shark as a kid. What?

It was actually my brother. Wait a minute. It's a red tail shark. It's not an actual shark. It's just a little fish with a red tail. Yeah. He pulled his cocksucker out of the tank. He had to change the water and I gave him a kiss.

Oh, that's pretty cool. That's cute. That's cute. Were you a big fish tank kid growing up? They're very nice. My brother had a fish tank and I was like, yeah, this is cool. You have it in his room? Yeah.

They're nice to go to bed with. Yeah. Not like, yeah. I wish. Not after dinner. No, no. I wish fish tanks didn't become like the ultimate weird, it's up there with like a sword on your wall.

It became a strange thing. Like it is. Or an alarm. Yeah. Yeah. Or a night of full night of horror. Yeah. We boat on Amazon for $800.

We don't know what you're talking about. No. All the chicks. Dig it. Dude, remember the fish tank we saw in Poughkeepsie? Yeah. At the bar? Yeah.

It's fantastic. It was at the bar. Very tranquil. But if you walk into someone's house and you don't know they have a fish tank, you walk in and you flick the lights and there's a fish tank, you go, I look at it a little different. Yeah. A little different.

Yeah. And it's like, only get normal fish. Don't get exotic fish. You mean tropical. If you get salt, salt waters of pain in the ass. That what you mean? I just mean anything. What's a normal fish?

I don't know. Fucking red tail shark. Yeah, yeah. You got a sunny in there floating around. Just stuff. Just stuff that you, I don't know. If you put too much time into your fish, if you're buying expensive fish, you're a psychopath. I think your cycle just having a tank.

Yeah, that's a lot. And they smell. If you don't, you got to stay on them. Yeah. It's not great. You get a tank for kids that don't have friends. And you're like, you're fine. Just pick a name for each of these people.

Yeah. Name each one and give them a back story. Yeah. Yeah. And then when they die, we'll replace them when you're at school. Yeah. I don't know. Would you get a lava lamp?

No. I was never allowed because my mom would yell, that's a fire hazard. I wanted one. Also, that's dank. The lava lamp is a pure sign. I had one. It's pretty heavy. It's pretty heavy.

It's a lava lamp and a water bed. So what of it? In a high school? In a water bed in high school? Yeah. In a water bed in high school. Oh my God. You're fucking wealthy, dude.

You talk so much shit. What are you talking about? You have a bottom ground pool and a water bed? Billionaire. That's insane. No one's bringing this up. Yeah. That's crazy money, dude.

Yeah. No. I think they're- It's trash. How do you- That's crazy money. No. It's because his parents didn't go out and buy him a new water bed.

I got it for free. Yeah. That's the thing. I got it for Tommy, by the way. Neighborhood kids had to seek shelter. Yeah. My brother got it for free. I can't remember exactly how we got it.

I think- Someone just gave you a bag. How do you forget how you get a water bed? My aunt and uncle got into the water bed scene in the- In the- They were swingers. In the late 80s. I swear to God, same.

In the late 80s, they got into it. And then they got one that had the mattress topper on it where it was like- It was a little- It densened it a little bit. And I got their old one. And you know what's funny? Not until this second that I realized, they were probably banging in that water bed and I slept in it.

Oh, yeah. Dude, my- Who has a water bed and doesn't bang in it? Shout out to my uncle, Mike. Closing deals. Also, fucking on a water bed seems like a nightmare. That's what I said. But people that said-

People that have done it have been like, No, it's great. It seems- I don't know how to get any left. No, you need to build it. It's also- Not only that, but it's like matching your rhythm with the girl is hard enough. And it tied alone.

There's waves. But gravitational pull. Yeah. You throw low tide in there. You're fucked. Do you stop? You know, if it's not going well, do you stop and fill it up? It's always not going well.

What are you talking about? My godmother Mimi. Oh, God. My- My- Doctor Mimi. My uncle Neal had a water bed. Wait, you had a-

They can't meet me in a doctor Neal? Uncle Neal. The uncle Neal. Oh. Either way. Neal sounds like a solid guy. They started calling him doctor after he came up with a hot dog. So they had a water bed and my mother and father would drop me off just to like sleep-

Remember when they got it? You went over and saw it. You went over and looked at it. It was great. But they'd feed me peeps and fucking the chocolate filled bunnies, peanut butter filled bunnies. Sure. The Reese's Johns. Yeah.

No, not Reese's. They didn't have those back in the day. What, they catch you around Easter? Oh, the yellow ones? No. Yeah, you said that doesn't matter. No. No, hold on.

It does matter. Because that's weird. No. No. It's separate. The fact that you were jumping on a water bed eating peeps. Chocolate covered wood. Yes, that's the point.

It was my fucking jungle gym. So my parents were like, you could stay over. Anyway, stay over. I'd get up at like eight, you know, go to wake up them and they're fucking ass-nude on this water bed. I'll never forget. Oh. Just seeing Mimi's tits like in her side pocket and Uncle Neal fucking.

He was a Vietnam vet just ass-nude as well. Like they just got done. Sure. And then there's like six nephews and nieces in different bedrooms. And they're just raw dog, free dog and it like that. Let me tell you something. There's nothing. Because they got married at 21.

There's nothing more scarring than a young child watching adults sleep. It's nude. It's anything. I remember just being a little kid watching like my aunt sleep, watching my dad sleep and just being like, what the fuck? This is my future. Wild. Yeah.

Powered down. Yeah. You seem like the creep in this story. I'm not going to lie. I'm going to watch you know my aunt sleep and watching my daddy sleep. I would. I would. I feel like my dad was asleep.

I was like, thank fucking Christ. Yeah, dude. I was fucking. I finally lowered my shoulders a little bit. It felt like I wasn't going to get fucking whacked upside down. It's like walking into a bear den. I'm not going to wake this dude. I'm outside, dude.

You had 20 minutes of like, this is a trap. This is a trap. If I get close, he's going to grab me. He's just trying to lure me in. We got to wrap it up gang. Holy shit. What a time. I'm going here Toby. I'm going close up or go super single or I go wide. Whatever you want to see. Isn't this great gang. We love you to death stuff Island boys. You're on tour. It's not like we just chose not to do that. You guys didn't max out all your credit cards and nothing. We're gonna be fighting

in the car. You know this is like it's like when there's like a high school kid that like wants to go to college and your father thinks he's around college and put your feet on like turf and you're like I want to be here. This fucking fake carpet. I'm like I want to be on this big car to local twenty two eighty seven of boys. Thank you. Well side work for you. Wages. Whoa. That's why I didn't say their names because they got side work. Exactly. They bought weed with a guy up on a weekend on Union. I bet. No I paid very well. All you and so it's all this is all you know it was all you were for you to slip up. It was all you know she's also so so and we always got the right outside

the world. So really. He was like all you. Where's my camera. Toby where am I. Toby hit me and we're all union workers just side work gang the stuff island boys were here boys you're on tour just getting done yeah it says yeah thanks for inviting us first but we got a fall tour good friends Bert Christ you're over three months ago hey you do 400,000 views and you can come back come on guys hit that like button the machine is gonna be in theaters May 26 by the way check that the fuck out you tell me who's more fun I'll tell you it was weirder this guy fucking mr. meatloaf

over here yeah but did you guys spend 45 minutes on hot dog cooking let's go what do you got May 26 all right Toby cam I like it sorry May 26 we're at we're in Rhode Island Newport Rhode Island at the Rogue Island comedy festival now we're set we're gonna set up a little fall tour yeah you can you can get promo code stuff if you buy tickets to that with the promo code stuff you get like 20% off or something like that go see the boys everybody we're on the road obviously we're on the road we're all over the place we got Cleveland Columbus in Louisville left on this leg we're we got the suits tying up the the next leg

of the tour that should be being announced soon we got merch available over at are you garbage dot com and join the fucking patreon shout out to you as we love you gang we love you to death thanks buddy