Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Gas Station Pizza w/ Paul Virzi

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Paul Virzi! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Beep, beep, beep, blow, ticket alert, gang. Get your tickets to the Gramercy Theater and come out and see the boys February 3rd. Yeah, gang, it's our third show. We added the Army Garbage, came out strong, sold out the first two. We added a third. Let's sell this last one out.

We love yous, let's do it. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage.

Oh yeah. It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it after a good to be classy. After just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antutti's basement. She's upstairs shredding documents. Okay.

Tax season. What are you gonna do? My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international business man. He's the Prince of Park Avenue, but always, no matter what time of the year, can get a boardwalk, baby.

Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are cooking over there. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.

Are You Garbage? Check it out. We're about to announce our tour in like a week or two. Check it out. Get ready for them live shows, baby. And we're coming, gang, and having a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire.

The magic man makes us all look good. Works to ones, works to twos, crosses the T's, dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScroffins. It's Toby McMullin, everybody. How about that? Hey, what up, dude? What's up, pal?

Man, we got a Hall of Fame guest in here right now. If there was a draft where you could pick your uncle, this guy's going first around every time. Shout out to Uncle Paul, baby. Clean as a whistle, this kid. Efflon dying. You could cut steak on that beard line. Look at him.

Comes in sharp. Shit. Gangs, the long hair ain't lying. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this point. You know him. You love him.

Has an amazing special out on Netflix right now. Kicked off a brand new tour right now. You got to go see him. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the cleanest guy in town. Paul Verzi, everybody. Let's go, Paulie. Come on.

My favorite podcast in the world. My favorite podcast in the world. This is number three for me. There you go. It's got to be no. I think it's more than that. Maybe it's just three. You calling Paul a liar?

I'm sorry, Mr. Verzi. I apologize. I think this might be four. You're going to get both of us whacked. He's here as many times as he says once. I mean, this guy's correcting compliments. I'm like. You know what?

Go fuck yourself there. How about that? Drove down from the house. Drove down from the house. Cars clean as a whistle. Dude, just bought one. What? Oh, I saw.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just bought one. Wait a minute. A week ago. What'd you get? Dude, you want to go to Corolla, right? No.

I picture you as a Hyundai man, Verzi. It's a new Elantra, but it's the new line. No. The new Kia. The new Kia. With the new emblem on it. You know, I was going to go electric, and then I decided with everything going on with the electrics and how long they were taken, and they're not ready.

It's not ready yet. It's not there yet. It's not there yet. So I decided to stay with Lexus. There you go. But here's the thing. Company man. You guys, you'll love this.

You'll fucking love this. I kept telling them. I go, listen, I need dark outside, and I need white inside. Who's this? Who are you straightening out? This poor bastard at the dealership? Yeah. He's like, Paul, I'm Paul.

He's like, I can't. I go, I want white leather inside and dark out. He goes, there's two in the country that has the white inside, and he goes one, and I go. Jeter owns one of them. So he kept calling, he's like, Paul, I can't do it. I can't do it. And I go, all right.

So I started to look where I could get it, and I found this car beautiful, like dark, dark gray, but sometimes looks black, and it's so light inside, dude. It's like when you open the door, it's like heaven, dude, it just pops, right? It just pops. The detail. The attention to detail, Mr. Verzi, is through the roof. And the wood is black. Ooh.

Yeah, nobody has black wood. Nobody gets Onyx wood. I mean, I got black fucking wood. That's too funny. All my friends joke, like they were like, Verzi, yeah, Italians like white, because they think it reminds them of heaven, but dude, you open the door, and the door is just, and so I got this Lexus, it's white inside, it's dark gray outside, all the trim on it, it's gorgeous car.

You know, white kids, kids and wife really not allowed in it. Really? Like, I mean. Definitely no food in there. I mean, it got to the point where I had to look at my son in the eyes and go, candy's not happening. You know, they get the wrappers, they get the candy. Can't even have a cough drop in there.

I don't care how bad your bronchitis is. We went to the mall and he goes, Dad, can I get candy? And I go, yeah, but he can't open the car. Got to keep it in the trunk. Open it up when we get to the house. Yeah, put that shit in my golf bag in a trunk. I don't think it's weed or something. Is the golf bag always in the trunk?

Well, not with the new car. Now, the new car, I don't want anything in it, so there's literally nothing in my car. He's nuts, dude. The first time I got in the Lexus was way back in the day, we were doing something, we were going to have it somewhere where bananas are somewhere together. Yeah. And he goes, oh, let's go smoke a stick. I get in the car.

He's like, oh, he's like, nice car. I get in and we sit down and he goes, nice car. I go, yeah, it's a nice car. He wants the confirmation once you're in a nice car, right? He liked the car, right? He liked the car. Is there a rag in there that you keep a rag, like something just to do or whatever? No, but I got a $2,900, I bought a $2,900, like seven details by the dealership.

Oh, nice. So I could take it to Lexus like seven times and it comes out like showroom. That's awesome. You know, cost a few grand. Sure. But they actually recycle the air in the car, like they, there's a whole thing. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they do some like, they like, it's like brand new, like they seal it up, new air. So I was like, yeah. There is nothing better than getting the car a fresh watch. Italians like anything. Yeah, I'll take that new air you got. You got that, I want the good air. Don't be giving me the air. I need the lifetime vacuums.

It's the same air they put in Celine Dion's car right there. I'd say get it from Vegas. Believe that shit. Smell it, smell it. Smell the chips. Did a liberal own this car? I want something that hasn't even been through San Francisco. Do you have the, do you have the remote start?

Yeah. Do you, in the wintertime, do you preheat before you go out? Well, I got, I got it on the app too. You got an app? It's an app now. So what I do is, Alexis has an app on my iPhone. So I could lock the doors. I could start, I could get the temperature how I wanted the whole thing.

I think I need to get a radio station I want. Like I just walk into exactly how I need it. Yeah, that's great. That's like an Uber. Is it an Uber Black? Do you park in the garage at the house or do you keep it in the driveway? No, I keep it in the driveway. Keep it in the driveway.

I keep it in the driveway. We have a two car, but we're trying to decide if we're going to turn that into something. We don't really use the, you know. Okay. And my wife's with Lexus too. So we kind of, He says it like they signed a contract. Like she's with them.

We got three more units. Or with them. Or with them. And he's sponsor. With an agency. Yeah. But I tell the guy, I'm like, look, we staying with you. You got the right thing.

My dad did the same thing with Jeep for a long time. They love that ship. The loyal customer base. Oh yeah. That was filled with bad air, I'm sure. Just saying. Dude, I had a buddy. I had a buddy named Nick, right?

His dad was just over the top Italian kid. Big time. Big guy. They were with Chevy for 30 years. With them. They were with Chevy for 30 years. Right. So he goes there.

Right. He's upstate New York. And he just, the guy comes out. It was like a new sales guy. And they give him. They don't like that. They give him the number. And he said his day, just his back.

And he goes. He goes, come here for a second. He goes, I've been coming here for 25 fucking years. He goes, go get the fucking up. You go back in that office and you come out with numbers that make sense. Or I'm fucking. Hey, give me the 25 year numbers. I'm screaming.

Screaming the whole thing. And the guy came out and goes, oh no, it's him. Listen, like, we don't even want the headache. Just give it to him. Give this guy, this guy's become a 30 years. Give him what he wants and get the fuck out of it. That's what I'm going to, that's what I'm trying to get to with Lexus. I respect that.

I respect that. Trying to get that with Lexus when they see Paulie walk in the door. It's like this. He's going to stay with us. But we just got to do the right thing. You're going to complain about the wood tone and everything, but we got to get him. Yeah. Three white cows are getting shot on the spot.

Right there. Have it ready for you in a couple of weeks, Paul. When was he killed? Today? What is this? I want something in the face so his mother can't give him an open casket. Oh man. We've been talking lately.

Yeah. On the old Patreon there about what kind of readiness that we have in case something popped off. We were thinking like apocalypse type shit. How ready do you think you would be if it popped off tomorrow? You mean like if this was unexpected pop up tomorrow? You had like a rumbling of a day or two like how this might happen, but you're going, I don't know.

How ready would I be as far as like supplies? Supplies. Plan. Plan. Where are you going? What are you doing? You got a crew you can link up with. All right.

Look, I got a thousand bullets. No, I do. I have a thousand bullets. I bought a box of a thousand. I can throw them bitches. Quick. I got a box of a thousand. Okay.

Okay. I got a thousand rounds. I got a thousand rounds. No gun. And it's a 10 shoot. It's a 10 shot semi. Okay. Okay.

So I got a couple days to fight. Sure. We got some knives. My wife has a hatchet. You know, I got something from a sponsor. She put her on hatchet duty? It's great school. Where's the chivalry?

Well, listen, I shoot the kid in the head. She fucking cleans, you know. She chops them up. I got the wife on screwdriver detail. I don't. You know what? Water wise. Tough.

Like water. Like we don't have the gallons lined up. We're not one of those preppers, you know. Which we found out a lot of it. Like we asked the listener, dude, they came in. People are like, I got 50,000 rounds. I got water for five months. Stocked up on diesel fuel.

Yeah. People are like, I got like 80 gallons of diesel cooking. Wow. Oh, you guys got people there. There's some people out in Wyoming that are fucking ready. Are you on a well up there? Yes. You guys.

Well, well. That'll stay good, right? Well, plus you can get to it, I think, right? Yeah. No. Well, I think like the regular, but I'm talking about having jugs. Right. Yeah.

Having jugs ready. I don't think we would. You'd be all right. Yeah. Do you're making me think? Dude, we started talking. I'm about to buy land in the Poconos to get the fuck out of town and shit. I got a thousand bottles of Gatorade.

I'll be all right. This is going to be like, what happened on RU garbage? There's no water all over the fucking house. Why are you wearing a gas mask? What the fuck are you doing, Paul? Shut up and fill up the tub. Where are my bullets? Why is my hatchet on my pillow?

What the fuck are you doing, Paul? Shut up and fill up the tub. Where are my bullets? Why is my hatchet on my pillow? I buy a freezer. You got a deep freezer. Do you have a separate freezer? Do you have like a meat freezer downstairs?

No, we don't have the separate meat freezer. We have another fridge downstairs. That's a secondary fridge. We have a secondary fridge downstairs, which stocks like a lot of the drinks, the extra stuff. Sure. But we don't have that meat locker. Gotcha.

So yeah, the more I think about this. You do have the deer up there, though. Yeah. That's true. We could shoot a deer. You could lure them out with apples in the backyard and clip one. Wildlife we could probably eat for a while. That's true.

Sure. You know, would you link up with Yanni Peaty, you think? Yeah, because we went together for the guns. So he's got a thousand rounds, too. There you go. So we went. So together we could, you know. Dude, I can just picture them two cleaning their guns together.

Oh, man. Oh, no. I picture you guys buying those guns like, well, if you're getting 500, I'm getting 1000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when we bought... What, up in each other? We bought the guns. Our wives were really pissed off.

But he's like, dude, she said I got to get a watermelon, dude. He showed up to his house. He had a watermelon under one arm and a rifle and a thousand rounds in the other. And she's like, what the fuck? She's like, well, you got a gun. He's like, I got them. What the fuck? What the fuck do you want?

It's a summer. A refreshing treat for you. But yeah, I think, see, the nice thing is, see, I'm elevated, okay? You're up. You got a high hand. I'm on a hill on a mountain. A lot of people are only on one. I'm on a boat.

So I'm on the mountain that's with a hill on the fucking thing. I'm 800 feet high. And the hill, we're all kind of know each other. We're all family. You'd have to band together a little bit. So we would band together. We'd get our guns. We'd get our hatches.

You could blow a couple of those trees, too, so nobody could get up the roadways. Yeah, that's pretty good. We'd make a blockade. Yeah. Oh, he's thinking, dude. I just saw the motor start turning on me. My buddy's got a backhoe. We could do shit.

Yeah, we got a... There's a couple of neighbors, right? Neighbor across the street's a cop. There you go. So he's got... He's loaded. He's wired. And he's got...

He's like, dude, if anybody comes near to... He's like, I'm outside with the gun. And I was like, all right. So it's not gonna be crazy. I was like, I gotta... I can't shoot the male, man. I got a dog. It's a Super Bowl party.

Relax. This guy's gonna fucking snipe out my dog thinking it's a wild coyote. I'm like, dude, relax. So that's the plan. That's pretty good. That's not bad. You're way better prepared than we are. I mean...

Is there anywhere you would bolt to? Where would you go? Or that would be... You would just... That would be the Alamo. Just hold steady at the crib. Yeah, I'm so far up... Yeah.

And I'm in the country... Telling you're gonna run into Pokemon. There's a lot of woods. We have actually more woods we can go to. So I think we would just like hunker down where we are... Figure it out. Strategically and figure it out. Yeah.

Yeah. I think so. You know? I mean... I like it. Now, what if we came staggering up the hill? Oh, I mean, you guys... Oh, you guys are more than...

What do you mean, staggering? Look, are you guys... What are you guys drinking? Are you guys bleeding? Are you guys zombies or something? Like, if they already got you... I'd be like, I love you guys, but if you come up bleeding... I'd be like, listen, Hank, you got ten minutes left.

I'll make a phone call for you, but I can't... I mean, I got white leather. You definitely get in a car. I'll let you on a property, you ain't getting in a car. Paul, take him to the emergency room. No way. I mean, use your car. You got black leather.

This guy's not gonna bleed out on him. But if I saw you guys, like, tired, alive, and everything, I would obviously be like, yeah, of course. But even if I saw you guys bleeding, you just wouldn't go in a car. Fine leather's fine leather. Find you a nice spot in the shed, Hank. You lick those wounds for a little while. See if you turn into a zombie.

Ah, that's good stuff. Man, I like it. Alright, let's do some cues here. Yeah, gang. So, when you sign up for the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. It's just the best way to do it. We got a lot of submissions, but Patreon gets the first crack at it. This one we've never talked about.

This is from Gary. He goes, I know we've agreed... First of all, do you pee in the shower? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let it fly if you have to. He goes, I know we've all agreed peeing in the shower while showering is fair game. Was it trash to pee at the shower at the gym? I would never in a millionaire shower at a gym.

Really? Yeah, kind of the same way. I mean, I could be soaking wet, sweat. I'm just gonna dry off as much as I can and get home. Yeah. I can't. I'm not a big communal showering locker room guy. I've done it, but it doesn't...

It's not a great shower. Unless you have all this... If you have your soap, if you have your towels, all that stuff, you're using one of those little towels that they have and you're using those dispensers. What are you gonna be like? Excuse me, bud. Fucking hit the gel thing? Yeah.

Get the hand sanitizer going or whatever. Let me get two squirts, pal. No, dude, I can't. That stuff's like Agent Orange, man. That shit dries you the fuck out. Whatever they put in there. I think it's palm olive. It dries you out real quick.

A shower to me is kind of almost like your sanctuary. It's a ritual. It's an intimate thing. You have your thing, your thoughts, the hot water. I can't be with some guy that just worked out and we... I'm not into that. You don't wanna wear flip flops in the shower? No.

Yeah. No, no. I'm not wearing flip flops in the shower. Makes sense. Yeah. Obviously, you know, you do what you have to do. I mean, to piss in the shower in the gym, you're just a fucking animal. Like with other people there.

I might have done it. No, I've definitely done it. Yeah, I might have. That's lawless as far as I'm concerned. I don't know. Wait, but there's other people with you? No. I don't think they have them.

It's not like Rikers where it's... It's not like a prison. The one I've been in was that. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a kid. Oh, all right, Steve. I'm fitting in there now that I think about it.

The fuck was my dad doing? He explains a lot. I mean, the bath house. Jesus Christ, pops. I was fully clothed. I didn't even work out either now that I think about it. You're like, yeah, sit in the ski. That's normal.

Wait, Jerry, there. Yeah, I don't think now they have them like groups like that. I think they're like little individual stalls. I did it recently. Oh, and now you let it fly. That's different. Yeah. If it's like your own little thing and you have to piss, that's a different ballgame.

Sure. Because I also think somebody else's. If I've thought about it, someone else has done it. Someone else before you, after you was going to pee in there, so it's like. And pee's not dirty, theoretically. It ain't clean. I mean, it's not something you don't want to be standing in someone else's urine. But then why do you pee on like mosquito bites or whatever it is?

I don't think you do that. I don't know what you're doing at your place. Jellyfish bites. I thought it had some kind of anti- How often does that happen? Dude, that's like, that's if a doctor's not around. What? I like to snorkel, Paul.

What do you want? You said that like it's a common occurrence. I thought it had antiseptic qualities to it. It does. It's, I think it's like, it has something in it, but that's the only thing. It's not like you stub your toe, you pee on it. You know what I mean? It's like athletes putting jellyfish.

That's it. You said that like, what about if you have to suck the venom out after the snake? Like, that's not, no, that doesn't happen. Is that a real thing, by the way? Because that wasn't a movie there. I thought it out. I think it never, I think it is. Wouldn't you get to poison in you?

No, but you spit it out. It's still in your mouth. It's not supposed to get in your bloodstream as quick. Fuck that. Yeah, it's got to be someone you love and it's got to be, but that's a tough dude. That's a tough one. It depends if you've got a life insurance policy on or not. That's a real tough one.

That's a fucking tough one. Sucking the poison out. It's not my, if it's not your like wife or kids, but a dear friend and it's like near his ass cheek and it, you just see the fucking snake go away and he's like, dude, you got to suck it out within. I'd be like, I don't know, dude. Let me see if I get reception or whatever. I squeeze it.

I try squeezing it like it's a pimple. Like, ah, dude, that's a tough one, dude. Start picking on it. I see another day. I was just going to say, I start pissing everywhere. I'm like, look what, I talked to Foley. He said, just piss on everything. There's no truth that peeing on jellyfish things makes it better.

Really? Total myth. That was just a freak. Just trying to pee on his buddy. Nah, man, I heard this. I swear. Some French guy. Some French guy in San Trope.

I'm slapping his dick on it. Nah, nah, they said do this, dude. They said do this. They said put your finger in my ass. It works better. That's what they said. Blow me. Wait, what?

If you suck my, wait, how does that even, it's not even related. He said we get out of here and get a loom. What do you think? Enough about the jellyfish. Let's go to dinner. I need to put my balls in your mouth. Let's go to dinner. Let's go to dinner.

I got it. He says you got to put this lipstick on. I don't know why. I got a 15pino noir. Let's just fucking. You like red or white? What do you like? A little woozy from the venom.

Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, shit. All right, man, these are tough. That's good. Man, these episodes give me headaches, dude. Dude, I'm crying already, man. Like, this is wild, man. I get dizzy and light and sweaty.

It's one of my favorite plays. It's like the greatest show ever. You're one of my favorite guys in the sense of it's a coin flip, whether you're walking up, if you see it at a club or whatever. You might get, you might get, hey, what's up, Happy New Year, or a lot of times, which is my favorite, you get the angry Paul. You fucking believe this guy. Either way, it's my favorite, and you're the best.

Either way, you're in for a good time. Happy Paul or angry Paul? I love you. The only thing that makes me upset about Are You Garbage is that you guys, like, there's sometimes I want to be like, hey, dude, you want to open for me? And I'm like, I know you guys are doing your own thing, but like, I love, he knows this more than anything. There's nothing I love more than being in a green room with somebody I love.

Like for me, it's like, when up, you know, they bring a local guy and it's just a crap shoot. You know, it's tough. It's like, yeah, and you want to be nice, but in your mind, you're like, dude, if this was my boy, we could hang in. Yeah, yeah, have a good time. It's a good time. It's all right, man.

Really is. Okay, but let's talk about rocket money, baby. Rocket money. Let's talk about not getting jammed up. Let's talk about somebody having your back. You signed up for all these subscriptions. You don't even know about, you know what I get? The free trial.

Which is a dirtbag move that I respect. You signed up for the free trial. And you're supposed to... Sometimes around April, you get whacked over the head with $69.95. Do yourself a favor. Get over there to Rocket Money. They look through all your subscriptions. You can cancel real easily.

Formerly known as True Bill. Oh, yeah. So do yourself a favor. It's fantastic, guys. You can get rid of useless subscriptions with Rocket Money right now. Go to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Also, Rocket Money just sounds cool. I want to be in whatever Rocket Money is doing, baby.

Rocket Money. Seriously, it could take a few... It could save you a few hundred dollars a year. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash garbage. I'm going to say it one more time. Get a pen, get a pencil.

Rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Do it. Ken, let's talk about that bespoke post, baby. I think you mean a box of awesome. Yeah, gang. You like doing cool shit. You like having cool stuff. You like things that are awesome.

Do yourself a favor. Shake a tail feather and get over there to bespoke post and get your box of awesome. They team up with small business. It's cool guy's stuff. Cool guy's shit. I've been saying it for years. It's grooming stuff, outdoor stuff, shakers, stuff for the bar,

stuff for the house, pocket knives. It's one of those things. They send you stuff that you're sitting there and you break out the cool pocket knife or some cool, like, smoker. I keep my blade next to the bed. Something. They send you cool guy's shit.

So when you're doing something, you got company over, your brother comes, your jerk off brother comes over, you go, and he's like, oh, where'd you get that? You go, I don't know. It's a cool club I'm a part of. And then take him out of the woods and kill a grizzly with it. Yeah. Just take the quiz at boxofawesome.com.

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Right here. They sent us that cooler that we used for the goddamn livestream. Fill it with beers. It still has water in it because we're dirt bags. That's box of awesome. Still holding strong though. Boxofawesome.com code garbage for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com code garbage.

Now back to the show. Back to the show. All right. This is a good one. This is from George. Is it garbage you use questions from are you garbage on a first date to see if your girl is worth taking out on a second? No, I like it.

That's pretty good. That's fucking amazing. I'm trying to find out the nitty gritty about them. I like that. That's what I would think. Yeah. Because the questions are so good and specific. Specific.

That you could actually help a relationship. Sure. Yeah, yeah. You figure out it. Yeah, of course. Because it does tell you a lot of how you were raised, kind of what your thought process is. I guess if on a first date I was talking to a girl,

she's like, yeah, I pee in the shower at the gym. I'd be like, well, you know. If she just volunteered that out of nowhere. Why ask? Obviously. But it also matters. The question matters. Of course.

Yeah. You got to be careful. The one thing when I look back on my relationship, I would have liked to have known. Not that it's that big of a deal. But I would have liked to have known how she got her steak done. Because that's what she do. Is that a game changer for you?

She do well. I can't share a fucking porterhouse with her, Paul. No, you'd hate my wife. What does she do? She goes well. Well. Butterfly well. Butterfly well.

She can't do it. She can't do it. She can't do. What? Unfortunately, my son, Lucas, has kind of taken on Stacey's. That could change though. She got it from her grandmother. But no, she'll like cut chicken.

And she's looking at it, dude. And if there's anything other than white, she just, there's something that I don't know what happened. Something in her head. I kind of have that with chicken. I have that. With chicken. Yeah, I get it.

But she's just like, you know, but I'm getting her slowly more to fish. I'm getting her into seafood. I'm getting her into things. But it's tough, man. So you guys go to a steakhouse. Yeah, she's. She's.

You can't get the porterhouse. You can't share it. No. You each got to get the filet or the strip or the ribeye. Which the ribeye is okay. She goes well, man. It's tough. I know.

Man. I know, dude. You just see the disappointment on the waiters. I look at them. I'm like, I know. I know. Sorry. What can I do?

Half of the time, though, I'm like, what the fuck do you care? That's also part of it. I'm like, what are you? Just give her a fucking steak how they want the steak. I'm like, dude, she's a great mother. Yeah. Don't judge her on this alone.

All right. My kids are fucking doing great in school. You got to have four cards and shit. Look at that. Perfect attendance for the young one. Look at that. Yeah. Yeah.

It's tough. It's really tough. She'll just get a filet butterfly. And I just kind of look away. I go to the bathroom. As soon as the waiter comes, I'm just like, I can't. Daddy will be back.

She looks up. You're at another table. I didn't realize you were moved over. I thought this was my family. I had problems there. But Sharon and I, because listen, the Porter house has now taken over. Where? The Porter house for two.

And you can't get it for one. You got to get it for two. And if you can't share that, and I'll tell you what, you want to see fucking. I just learned about that. You want to see a waiter at fucking Gallagher's head start spinning around when you say, can you do half of the medium, half of the medium rare? Oh, yeah. They.

Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. Fucking freak out. It's funny. That really is funny. And I don't know how to take that. The waiter or somebody that works there gets upset. Dude, I remember.

I think it is proper disrespect. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. I've been on the other end of that for so long. I was in your town. I was in Philly years ago. Years ago. Young.

And I didn't know how to order a cheese steak. It was the one. It was on South Street. Jim's. And I remember, dude, this dude comes up and he just goes, how do you want? Yeah. Can I get a Philly cheese steak? And he just went like this.

He went. Like he just, and I'm going, I didn't know. You don't know. And there you don't know. And I get that. But now I'm kind of like, now I'm like. Dude, fuck you. Just fucking run.

Just give me a fucking steak. I'm not from here. I'm giving you money, dude. Of course. Yeah. The Philly, there's like a handful, not most of them. Some of them get like real, we refuse the right to serve anybody if you don't order the right way.

It's like, dude, shut the fuck up and give me my fucking steak. And if you're off from out of town, how are you supposed to know? Like how are you supposed to know the lingo? You didn't go to a fucking cheese steak class. And I don't like when you go get sushi, they're like, oh, it's his choice. And I'm like, is it? It's his choice? Because I'm spending $160.

Just because you ordered too much eel doesn't mean I got to fucking eat it. I'm getting fucking six baby pieces is something for $160. I don't care what this asshole thinks I should be eating. You got to carry a little clout to be pulling that move. You know what I mean? As far as the chef, it can't just be some bozo. Yeah, yeah, that's right. The chef's got to be like top.

He's got to have a resume. Somebody just got promoted from the prep kitchen. You know what I mean? Hey, it's Randy's choice tonight. Randy, what are you talking about? It's got to be Umizoomo or something like that. It's got jellyfish. You just pissed all over it.

You're going to love it. They're begging you. Hit it with the butane lighter. His specific urine just did something. You got to be an established Japanese sushi chef to get that kind of stuff. And listen, if I went in knowing that, if they were like, hey, you're going to go to this place, it's going to cost you $300, that's what they did a documentary on it. The one that's in like Shulks and Sucks.

Oh, really? Shulks trashed it. Oh, did he? That's crazy, though. So, yeah, you go into this place and it's like the minimum is $300. And you basically sit there and it's like on them. And you just come down. The chef's tasty, man.

But you know that. You know this guy's been doing it for 70 years. You know that he's picking and choosing. That's different than like if me and my family want to go out. Just hop in at a strip mall in fucking New Rochelle or something. No kidding. Yeah, next to an AMC movie theater. And they're like, no, it's a choice.

I'm like, yeah, no, it's not. It's my choice. Yeah, Avatar just cost me $300. Give me what the fuck I want. Nobody else can get away with that. It's funny. All right, let's see. Go to a Karabas.

All right, you got the chicken picante. Shut up. Give me my fuck. He's doing all ravioli tonight. What? He's doing all ravioli. Fucking Benihana. I never liked Benihana, man.

I never liked it. He was, uh, he got trouble, right? He got jammed up. He got jammed up taxes or something. Who did? Benihana. Benihana guy. Yeah.

Isn't that Steve Aoki's dad? Is that the guy I'm thinking of? I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. He got in trouble with the Wolf of Wall Street people. He got jammed up. I was never a fan.

The throwing of the food to a fat guy. Do you do hibachi? For the kid's birthday. Yeah. For the kid's birthday. They like it. The volcano. The flipping of shrimp.

Yeah, the guy throws an egg in his hat. You know, it's like. He got the most succinct Paul Versey line of all time. You do hibachi? Yeah. The guy throws an egg in his hat. The fucking one for me, huh? The guy flips an egg up.

It goes in his hat. He cracks it on a thing. You know, kids enjoy it. I thought for sure you were going to be like, he starts doing those tricks. I'm like, hey, buddy, enough with the show. Give me the show. Give me the show.

Give me the chicken. Right. Let's do it. It's a Burberry sweater, all right? I don't want fucking egg yolk all over this. This guy's going to throw fucking hot oil on my cashmere sweater. Set me on fire. I'm trying to fucking pay for a kid's birthday party here.

I got third degree burns. I got to go to the fucking ER because this guy's got a volcano near my cashmere sweater. After he jumped, cash me a sweater. He had to let you know he's flexing on it. This ain't no bullshit gap. That's why he squirted that jerk off. What do you think? This is half cotton, half polyester?

Yeah, put that fucking onion somewhere else. Oh, fuck, dude. This is an all-timer, dude. Squat, where you squirting? Squat, where you squirting? There's fucking hot oil going everywhere. Shit, I got somewhere to be. Oh, my God.

But I think my kids are getting over it, though, too. Like, I think it gets to a point. Yeah, it's like after a while, it's, you know, they squirting them out. They do all that stuff. They throw them. And then all of a sudden, the kids are like, all right, let's do something else. I don't think I went to college.

The most ethnic food we did growing up was Italian. That was the furthest we... Roy Rogers? Yeah, that was the furthest we went right. We were an Applebee's family most of the time. I remember my buddies going, we're going to Hibachi. I'm like, wait, you got your passport or what? We're 11, dude.

What the fuck are you talking about? Tell my dad, huh? My pop-pops are going to be pissed. Kids, I feel like kids today, just I've noticed my cousins and my niece and nephew, they have a little bit of a deeper palate. Yes, they're exposed to way more. Yeah, which is good.

Your kids eat sushi? Yes, like Lucas likes... It's weird though. Lucas, I mean, this is another one. This is a tough one. You ready for this one? Yeah. Lucas doesn't eat cheese on his pizza, man.

It's tough. What do you mean? So he takes the cheese off and orders like a sauce pie. And it's weird, my older brother Christian, who, yeah, man, like he just, something with cheese and dairy, my older brother. My older brother had something happen with dairy that was bad when he was young.

Gotcha. So that just fucking freaked him out, but my son, that never happened with my son, but my son will get a pepperoni pizza. He takes the pepperoni off and stacks it on the side, takes the cheese off and then puts the pepperoni on the thing and eats it like that. My daughter eats anything.

That's wild. They put the pepperoni back on. I used to take the cheese off and just eat the cheese, like a little fat kid. Oh, yeah. I used to love that. My dad used to love watching people take the cheese off because my dad would be like,

oh, yeah, give me that on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice wad of mozzarella just starting to get cooled off. You know what your kid would like? Tomato pie. You'd like tomato pie. It's a big Philly thing, tomato pie. Is that kind of what they do in Chicago or no?

No, no, this is, it's a... It's like a Sicilian kind of... But it's a square pie and they really reduce the sauce down when they bake it because there's no cheese on it. So all the water evaporates and it gets real. It's almost like tomato paste. It has a little sweetness to it.

Does he do a little Parmesan cheese? He's talking to us so detailed. I think... You're like a fucking rocket scientist having to explain things to us. He's like a fat guy. Toby, get my whiteboard, will you? It evaporates down to the molecule.

It's so tight. It's so good, Paul. It's so good. It's really good. It's cold, though. It's really good for 32 degrees. And then... And then you add the Parmesan cheese if you have it.

I got a lab coat on. And a bib. Are your kids doing sports yet? Yeah, dude. Son's a baller. Here's the deal. This is the first year... Oh my God, I can't believe I didn't tell you this yet.

This is the first year that I decided... Because I have my schedule and it's, you know, I couldn't be a head coach for my daughters. Here we go. I couldn't be a head coach for my daughter's fifth and sixth grade basketball team because of my schedule. But I'm very, very close with the guy who's the head coach because his daughter's friends are with my daughter.

And I said, look, I'll be your assistant. And I've been to every game on the sidelines. And I'm at the practices. You're shaving points. Mr. Frito, I got money on it. No, there's a couple of coaches that, like, take the shit real seriously, which bothered me. And one of the coaches was like,

we're going to smoke you. And, like, when I heard that, I got serious at practice. And I called the girls in. I said, everybody's expecting us to lose. I gave them a fucking, I gave them a speech like fucking Kurt Russell in Miracle. These little girls were just staring at me like, is this really that big?

We're going to kick these commie bastards ass. I was like, they said there's no chance. This little girl just looked at her mom like, I don't know. There's no chance. You got a short sleeve button down in a sport coat on. But I love it, dude. And my daughter loves me there. That's good.

You know, and I'm just like, sometimes she gets mad at me because she takes me still as dad. And I'm like, look, I'm just trying to help you, man. On that court, I'm Coach Verzi. Or Mr. Paul. Oh, man. Look at that.

Yeah, it's fun. I'm coaching. It's fun, man. Being there for them, it's really fun. That's good. Have you had any dust-ups with another parent at all, either opposing team or your team? I'm like, hey, buddy, relax a little bit.

Has that come down a little bit? No, dude. Because it was really bad in, like, the mid-2000s. My family has been tossed right now. Oh, no. There's been fathers. There's been fun. One guy, I think I heard.

He coached six-year-old soccer boys. Mm-hmm. He kicked the ball just far into another field. And he said, now you get it, asshole, to one of the kids. Like, he's not allowed on the property anymore. Jeez. Like, yeah, like, some of these guys, but dude. Hold the biff, Tannen.

There was a mother whose daughter was on the other team and the daughter very good and older than our girls. And my daughter stole it from him. And I'm like, I just, I got hype. Yeah. So I'm like, yeah. Like, I, dude, I, I turned into, like, It's exciting, man.

Dude, I turned into, like, courtside at the garden. Sure. Like, I was like, yeah, that's you. And obviously, everybody hears it. Putting the mom in the headlock was a little overwhelming. Paul will agree to that. So then the mother heard me. Sure.

The sidelines kind of cheered that her daughter got it stolen. But it is my daughter who stole it. Sure. But then when it came down, the mother was vocal. Like, take it from her. Like, it was, it was almost like an understood, trying to match. Now, you two were battling.

Right. That's what happened. Now, without us really battling, we're battling. And you could feel it. And then afterwards, when everybody, like, separates, and everybody high fives and you realize it's just a game, you kind of just like, all right, yes. We'll see you girls next time.

Great. You kids want pizza? Who wants ice cream? Yeah, yeah. It's, it's. You're at a Chuck E. Cheese little broken clipboard. I'm just leaning over to the mother while the girls are in the ball pit. I'm like, my bad.

Did I? I got carried away. I didn't even know we were on the same team. I apologize. Listen, it was four to two. Send me the doctor's bill. I apologize. Yeah.

These girls go to the foul line. They shoot, like, one for 38 and fucking freaking out. The front of the rim. Over the front of the rim. Oh, man. He's getting mad about it. Use the square. I love the Verzi's knee deep in the burbs out there.

Yeah. I love it. Love it in life. I love it. Pull it up in the Lexus. That's good. Dude, I could do this podcast for fucking three days. Thank you.

How's the equipment up there? You guys a well-funded organization? What do you mean? For the hoops? For the coaching? Oh, yeah. Good uniforms, all that stuff? Yeah.

You know, just standard stuff. But we have everything. They just passed a bill or whatever that didn't pass for a long time to get a new turf field up there. OK. So we're, yeah, we got a... It's good? Yeah.

Nice. You guys know I'm not going to live in. Yeah. Sure. I mean, where am I living? Yeah. You know? Of course.

Yeah. Let's go. He's out there. We appreciate your vote today. Vote yes on turf, huh? Coincidence. Paul got the contract to build it, which is a little... A couple of no-show jobs, too.

Listen, a couple of friends helped out, but that's... You know, it's just... It's good bannies. It's better for the kids' knees. We're looking out for the children here. But Paul at $8 million. Hey, you want the best. You got to pay for it.

I'd like to thank the Parsi construction. I'd like to thank the Parsi construction. The City of Newark. Why you set a Chini on the new lunch menu? I'll fucking up everything. I'll have kids. Get that nachos out of here. I'll fucking...

I'll be sushi over there. I'll just get some crab cakes. At least the gentlemen. Put a cat to snack bar. I'll tell you menu. Yeah, there's just little kids getting cappuccinos and fucking expresses. They're like, wow, where's he really invested in his community?

Man. What did you got? Why the fuck are the buses have green leather? I'm a white leather guy. White buses. Man, trying to play soccer with a belly full of eggplant rollin' teen. Holy shit.

Why are all these clam shells all over the floor? Why are we at this restaurant after the season? My daddy used to take us to ice cream and pizza. That's because your dad's a cheap fucking loser. Get whatever you want. Now, pick which bottle of wine you want. Why is there prosciutto and melon on the fucking snack table? Oh, that's a good one.

It's an orange. It's prosciutto and melon. Don't forget you. Don't forget your prosciutto. Oh, fuck you. Oh, fuck you. I'm the leery. That's all right, man.

That's snack bar. That'd be fun. Just the skillets going back there, the flames. We fire all the fat old chicks that were serving the food. Can we get some young attractive people here? 86 to Calabar. They're yellin' down the line. Get those apps out and fire the away bleachers.

Get that fucking old moose with the fucking fishnet head thing out of here. That's out of here. Put a picture to Pope. Welcome to Dean Martin Field, everybody. Instead of the national anthem, it's Sinatra. Better not be kneeling for this. That's one of you motherfuckers kneeling. All right.

Hold on. That's all right. There's valet parking at all the games. Don't worry, Mr. Smith. We'll take care of it. Charlie will park it down the block. Leave your keys. You're firing in the neighborhood.

They know you're with us. You're OK. Well, leave the keys in there. You're fine. No one's going to touch you. And don't worry. I know the bleachers are heated. Feds are taking pictures across the street.

Paul's coaching like this. Take the shot when you got it. Who is this guy? You know this guy? That's all right. It's all right. It hurts. It actually physically hurts.

Timo, can you get me a water, please? I'm running hot, dude. This would be one of the funniest moments I've ever done in a podcast ever, dude. The mobbed up intramural game. I just pictured kids turning around from a little snack bar where I played a chicken farm and she gets so fly.

That visual is great. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, bud. All right. It's funny. I feel like I went to the gym, dude. Peed in the shower. All right.

What do you say we turn these cameras on? Paul, are you ready? I would be so disappointed. Guys, I don't know what I got left. We'd be on hiatus for three weeks. I'm gassed. Oh, shit. All right.

You got more questions? So what have you been up to, Paul? How are you doing this summer? Okay. All right. New turf field, though. That's nice. That is good.

It's all right. All right. Let's see. This is from Brandon. Is it garbage or double dip? But on the second dip, you turn the chip sideways to the part you didn't bite. What do you think about that?

If you bite and then you do the back end of it, which I respect. It's a gentleman move. It's a gentleman move. It depends how big the chip is. It can't be close to the first. It can't be big. We're talking a big restaurant-sized Tostito.

Restaurant-style, yeah. Because they sell the restaurant-style. Which they could be a little flimsy, though. They can break easily. They can break. That's unacceptable. It is. You get a bad stock.

Then you're going to go fishing or digging around in there. But let's say you got a sturdy big one. You got one that's not going to break. If you bite a piece and there's more than half left, I actually think it's a respectable move. But you got to show the people. You got to show that you're making a conscious effort to do it. That I'll give a pass to.

You're saying it can't be small enough that where the finger imprint is going in there. You can't get any kind of sauce on the finger and then do that. Sure. Yeah, sure. I completely agree with that. That is the gentleman's move. Because then you're going to run out of chips.

Everybody's doing one dip, one chip. And if you get sauce on a finger and then lick and try to do it, you should be shot and killed. Sure. You can't lick. You can't lick anything. There's no licking. Communal things have to be napkin.

You know what I mean? Like if you're at a party and there's a table like this and you're not in your house. You're in public. 100%. Try to act like a little bit of a gentleman. Yes. Not a complete dirtbag.

That's a good question. That question means that this person's thinking about it. Yes, of course. The double dip is obviously asleep. Double dips out. Double dip on the same side. You're just an animal. Unless you're with a loved one.

Yeah, you buy yourself. Yeah, all bets are off. I mean, maybe pre-COVID. I can't do it. You can't do it with your wife? You got to be able to. At the house with a thing of salsa? I could do it with my wife.

But it's still like, I don't like the whole... I don't disagree. I have weird stuff with that as well. So I understand it. I'm always sort of... A separate dip, a separate bite. It's more of a proportion thing. I want it nice.

Like a little bit of a crumbled chip. I want it nice every time. I'll be honest with you. It's why I like the scoops. The scoops are... You're in and out. One and done. There's no even attempt of a double dip.

The scoops don't even let you... It's not even up for discussion. You can't even do it. If you're double dipping a scoop, you got a fucking problem. Yeah, that's one bite. Scoops one bite. Yeah, yeah.

And I'll admit this. Since COVID, since I know that eyes are on, especially a bigger guy like me, eyes are on me like, what's this fat pig going to do? It's going to be knuckled deep in his dip. I go real heavy on that first dip.

You got to. I go real heavy. Oh, just to make sure you get yours. Yes. I go real heavy. I go real heavy. I go real heavy. If I know that I'm probably not going to be able...

You know, because of the quorum, is go back in. I'm getting my chunk out of that. That's the doomsday prepper in you. You go for it. You just know. You got to get it in. You got to get it in early.

I'll walk away after that first one, but I'm going heavy. I may have just revolutionized finger foods at a party just now hearing you guys talking. What do you got? Uh-oh. You do scoops, but you fill them up

like five-layer dip or like an individual nacho. That's a little too much, though. Who's going to... That's a lot. It's a lot of prep work. Wait, you mean having them ready? Yeah.

That's nuts, though. That's hours of prep work for an easy dip. They're going to be like, oh, this is Jermaphobe's party. You have to wear the rubber gloves while you do it, too? Jesus Christ.

I took my shoes off at the door this guy. You got those little booties on your feet like in fucking, like, Wahlberg in the department. This guy's got ass burgers. People are braids over here, guys. I love hosting. I got the greatest idea of all time.

I'm like, I'll pass on that one. You're nuts, and for that reason, I'm out. I got the greatest. I'm going to show everybody. I'm an OCD lunatic. Put the chips in one room

and dip it in another. Have one of those, like, germ sprays when you walk in. Yeah, like the nitrogen or whatever. Oh, man. All right. This one is the same in the same gang. This is from Logan.

I haven't had one red. Is it garbage or cook hot dogs in the microwave on just the round glass plate? No Tupperware, no paper towel, no plate, just bare hot dog on it. Depends how clean it is. Yeah, and if you wipe it down, it depends.

If you have a super clean microwave and then you do that, and as soon as you take it out, you got to wipe it down. That's, you know, it's a microwave. I'll let that slide, but I think if you're trying not to use a plate, you're probably not wiping down the microwave.

And your microwave isn't clean. But shouldn't you put the hot dog around paper? A paper should be around the hot dog or no? I think that is the proper way to do it. In the microwave, I think, yeah, because it doesn't burn. Like, it won't, like, crack or split. You wrap the hot dog in the paper towel

and then put it on it. Oh, really? I think so, yeah. I like when it cracks open. I do as well, but I think it cooks better that way. T-Bone, you looking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that is the proper way. It's got to be like the same thing it's like putting a lid on. If you redo the, it goes microwaveable lid. Sure, sure. Dude, a hot dog and a microwave just says there's nothing else in the house.

I love them. It's one of my favorite meals, dude. Let's be honest. Really? Dude, two Oscar Meyer cheese dogs. Yeah, but you're not doing that with a chicken cutlet in the fucking house. I am not.

I am not. Yeah, if you got, right. Of course. I love, I love. Dude, two fresh potato rolls. That's good. Ah, cheese dogs. Yeah.

You're not pushing aside chicken farm to grab a hot dog to throw in the microwave. Let's get rid of that clams casino, right? Any diesels back there? No. Couple of cheese dogs. The desperation of a microwave hot dog. Yeah, yeah.

That's all right. Paper towel in the microwave is to trap moisture so that it steams a little bit and to prevent splatter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that is the proper, you know, the proper way.

A gentleman would, that's how one of the Kennedys would microwave their bread. If you want to know if somebody's a fucking animal looking at their microwave, because if it's like splattered sauce like somebody got their brains blown out, you're just like this person,

and you know it's been there a while. A while. It's been there a while. It's gross. Or the juice on the glass plate. That's the toughest. That's disgust. Like when it's just caked over

and it clearly hasn't been washed. That's a tough one. That's a tough one. Yeah, yeah. You can't learn a lot about it. Would you ever use the microwave at like a 7-Eleven or a convenience store? It would have to be a desperate,

high, drunk ellipse. Yeah. I'd have to have to break in after the zombies were coming. Yeah, remember I told you I had a thousand bullets. There'd be like eight left and I would just be fucking.

I'd be like, all right, guys, we're on the fucking, we're in the last tank here. I'm on my last magazine. Let's go get some nachos. Yeah, because that last bullet's for myself. The grid would have to be down. But you do make gross decisions

high or drunk. Sure. Like if you're like... I make them sober. If you're six beers in and high and you go into a 7-Eleven, I think all bets are off. I said this a bunch.

I've done it this year. The pizza at a 7-Eleven after you got a couple in you, I don't shake a stick at. It's all right. You drunk. You got a couple in you. As long as it's a little crispy and hot,

does it, you know? Especially on the road, man, we like, if you're like, you got to eat at a gas station or something. If you're driving somewhere, it's like, you got to fucking... Remember me and you went to that cigar place and they had those fajitas in Houston?

Yeah. We were like starving. They were like, oh, we had a fajitas. It was a little cold, but, you know, they did the job. Oh, that's right. There was like a party or something like that. Yeah.

It was like a party before we got there and they were like, hey, you invited us in and I was like, are you gonna, are you gonna make like peppers and onions? The sternos were out, but they were still a little warm. It was like, you know what?

I had about 15 fajitas, dude. 15 fajitas, some scotches. Well, the cigar. The cigar wouldn't have been as good if we didn't eat. Yeah, we had to. Yeah, we had to. Yeah, we had to.

That's funny. That's, I got, I asked Verzi about when I got him reservations at the Macanuto Club. Yes. Club Macanuto. Oh. We haven't gone yet, but...

Okay, yeah, yeah. We're excited. Just make sure you wear... Just wear a collared shirt and you can't have sneakers. Cool. What's it like in there? But they...

Clancy joint. But like, how's the food? Great. Great. Not too smoky. Yeah. I was in there, man. You'll see some people,

you know who Carmelo Antony's always in there? Oh, nice. Rubbin' elbows where you got open shots. Eli Manning and his fat father are members there. There you go. Yeah, I was sitting there one time. I think there was like offensive linemen. I thought you said,

and his fat father are members there. That's what I thought you said. Oh, no. Eli Manning and his fat father. I was like, what the fuck? Aren't you Manning? Put on weight? What do you got against a big guy?

No, it's good, man. You'll see like there was a lot of like big linemen from like football teams in there. And sometimes I play like there'll be just somebody in there playing the harp, shit. Nice. I got TVs up. I tell you,

you know, you made it. There's a harp around. Dude, I went in there with sneakers one time and they were like, you can't. And they were like, but we got a, you know, a drawer full of slippers

and they fucking checked my sneakers. Like loafers. Like walking around there and fucking slippers. Yeah. You could even throw like jackets on if you can. So what I did was, I'm not wearing a t-shirt down.

I'll let them dress me. They don't have quadruple X. Ah, shit. I mean, maybe for the linemen. I don't know. But I had what I would do is I would drive with dress shoes and a collar shirt in my trunk always in case I went there.

So I'd be outside Club Mac. I would be outside of Club Mac just changing after sets. I thought you were a homeless for a minute. That's all right. That's class right there. This guy's not ready for zombies, but he's ready for a nice Chardonnay to spec.

Yeah. Kidding dude. No to go back, but I got cologne in the trunk. I'll tell the zombie, give me a second before you eat me. Let me just finish this fucking, dab it off.

This fucking McCallan 18. Before the zombie gets him, he acts like when the feds come, he puts a suit on to get like for the purple. If you're going to... I tried to give the zombie a hit. Dude, just listen. This is a McCallan 18.

That's good. All right. Let's do a couple of more here. This is from Matthew. Ever taken a celebrity picture to the barber to show them how you want your hair to look? I ain't never done that. I had never even like picked it off the wall

or like give me those. I've picked it off the wall. That was big back in the 90s. They slip a couple of celebrities in those things. When you look at like the big one, like in the corner, he's like, what he's talking about on his phone though, right?

He's not going to show up with a picture. That's how I pictured it in my head in the 90s. With a hard copy? With an eight by, with like a head shot, an eight by 10 or whatever. I was calling William Morris to get a haircut. John Travolta and a piece of pizza.

Yeah. You got Nick Cage's head shot from when he did fuck in the rock. I never thought of that. No, we never did that. They did have the books, but I always felt like they couldn't really. Also, I was a fat kid.

You know, like you didn't have that. I didn't have that head. Were you a fat kid? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Did you go to school and shit? Yeah. There was like periods where I was like trimmed down, but like, yeah, I was fat my whole life. Really? Yeah. Who'd you think he was a gymnast?

I can't believe this. I used to do the pommel horse ball. Yeah. Like he's been like, like he was up for the Heisman. Oh, no shit. You really bounced back and became a fat comedian.

No way. I thought you were like a thousand dips a day. I did say that. It was such shock. Yeah. Like I was an astronaut. You really were able to overcome that? You become fatter and you're like...

The Bruce Jenner transition. No, my son will, like my son... Big with those kids now. But you could Google now, like boys haircuts for kids and you'll get a bunch so then you could just go

and show the barber. But to bring a picture of a celebrity the way he questioned it, made the question, that's a little much. Yeah. That's like, I want to look like Brad Pitt in whatever.

So that's a little wonky to me. Right. And I think with iPhones, you don't need to have it. You could just... You don't have the hard copy on you. Yeah, yeah. Does your son have the...

Does he have a cool haircut? All my nieces and nephews all have the cool fucking haircut. My son's got that dirty blonde, like he's got the blue. He could look like a surfer kid. He's got... So he could just go in and however.

Is he big into the sneakers? Huge. Yeah. Huge. Bigger than me. Yeah. Bigger than me. The kids are real big.

He knows things I don't know. And then there'll be things that I'm like, look at those. Those are great. He's like, dad, those stink. But not the vintage. The vintage Jordans, he's like, yeah, those are nothing.

Yeah. But if I see a pair, he's just... They have their own... Their own view on it. It's like their view of sneakers today is so different. It's weird.

Crazy. Of course. My nephew got upset because of the way I was... He was trying to try him on in a store and the way I unlaced him, he got upset. He's like, you're ruining them. Yeah, he did get barred.

I'm like, I'm ruining sauce on them. I was like, I'm ruining them. He's like, yeah, you're ruining them. I'm like, why are you chewing on them? They grabbed him out of my hand and put him on. They don't like to get him. He was walking around the other day

like Frankenstein because he didn't want to crease them. They don't want to crease them up. Yeah. Oh, no. That's the big joke that all my friends have on me. Like, I'll walk on my heels.

I remember one time we were in some city and they were... I just heard my friends cackle laughing because I was walking on my heels waddling in like cold weather in Minnesota because I had new Jordans on. And I actually ended up pulling a muscle in my leg because I was walking around.

So that my hip was all fucked up. My hip was all fucked up and I was like, it was all off balance. Doctors were like, what were you doing? Old football injury? Nah, I got a pair of Jordans. You guys got spiderbill because you got a new pair of fucking Jordans.

Just put the new hip in. Well, yeah, I got to get out of here. Do you know the dude, the sneaker suplex in Philly? That dude ever hit you up? No. It's a good dude. Mikey hit him out there.

They got fucking great shit. Yeah. I had a bunch of people like hit me. He's a good sneaker dude. Oh, is he? I love having hook up. That's the hook up you want. He's awesome.

Yeah, he's good dude. Shout out to him. I'll take that over like a deli hook up. Oh, yeah, I'll buy a sandwich. Yeah, yeah. Get me some shit no one else has. Yeah, that's funny. When someone's like, dude,

you come in, I make you the best sandwich, really? Yeah. You got to go dry 30 miles and get a fucking Italian hoagie. What are we doing? I'll do the sandwich. It's like crazy. Foley's like, when you say like crazy sandwich,

what are we talking here? Crazy we talking. Some new kind of mayo. I don't know. He's talking about it like it's phone sex. So what are you putting on that thing? They're roast the peppers. Tell me slowly.

You know the bread is soft. Oh, roast the peppers. Come on. All right, let's do one more. Then we got a wrapper up here. This one's from Brian. Never have one read. Is it garbage that my neighbors growing up

and my dad got into so many heated arguments, they built a bigger fence between us. Have you ever had any of that in the burbs? Yeah. Any territory beef? That's big on like TikTok and Instagram. Yeah. What happened was when I moved into my house,

somebody goes, hey, just so you know, your neighbor and the guy before you. Battle. It was like, which body are they going to find first? Really? And like they were like, it was a big thing. So then. You have space too.

You know, you're on top of each other. And I heard like to the point where like leaves, they throw, like I heard it got to like a big thing. And then. It's such a disrespect. You throw leaves on my property. I don't care. But I'm like, it's the disrespect it gets me.

Right. I'm like, we're going to fight. Like if you see the leaves, you don't care. But if you see a dude take a tray and fucking throw it over, that's a different, that's a different thing. It's a personal attack. So what the guy that lived in my house did was he just put up giant trees and, and you know, it made life easier.

So I think, I don't think it's garbage. I actually think you're preventing a problem. A bigger, a bigger fence. It's like, you know what? You kind of, there's a barricade there now. And it's like, you don't like me. I don't like you. So let's, let's fuck it.

Yeah. I think that that's, it's more garbage to fight and always be fighting and having, you know, throwing shit, yelling shit. Oh, what are you going to start? That's why I would end up with those people a couple of years ago. Remember that bad snowstorm? It was in Pennsylvania.

These two neighbors were beefing with each other. Guy goes in the house, gets his piece, comes out and kills the two people. Shoots the husband and a wife. Oh, wasn't that like on camera or something? Yeah. Over fucking shoveled snow. I mean, I don't think a fence is stopping that guy.

I think the guy's going to come out with a 12 kids. You go, ah, fuck, there's a fence, you know. What's that chain link? God damn it. There goes that plant. No. He just blows his head off because there's a fence. Sure.

Well, like what you're saying, just, you know, nipping it into the bud so it doesn't get to that point. Yeah. Because when you hear, like I've heard stories of like, oh, they fight, they screams, one gets drunk, one comes out like fighting on your lawn. Yeah, what? You can't have that.

That's trash. No, that's, yeah. I remember my brother is his old house. Then there was like the, the driveways were on a hill. Yeah. Like him and his neighbors, they were like going up a hill. And the people there before him had looped, had connected to the two driveways.

So the guy's wife could not have to back down. Oh, right. My brother's driveway. Okay. But then my brother would just like pull up and kind of block the loop because it was his driveway. And the guy's like, you can't, you can't park there. I was like, it's my fucking driveway.

Wow. Like you can, you can use it when I'm not there, but like, Wow. You can't, and he came out and yelled at my sister on all. He's like, you can't park there. My brother's like, I will blow, my brother's like, how would I just get a fucking, how about I get a jackhammer and just jackhammer to shit out and then we don't have to ever fucking think about it again.

Dude, nothing worse. My, my stepfather had a neighbor and he would just park multiple cars in the front lawn. And my stepfather said he would dream about it. It was like, we'd be playing golf and he would just, I'd see him go like fucking Tony. Yeah. Like, and I was like, what are you like, are you worried about your

shot? You know, and he would be like, no, this fucking guy's got six cars in a thing and I can't. And then finally he went over to the house and he was just fucking told it and it fixed it. But you can't live like that, dude. Yeah. You can't live with it.

That's too much. Yeah. Too much. Especially when it took you every day, you think about that. Imagine pulling into your house. That's where you're fucking safe, dude. That's your sanctuary. Like your, your, your whole life, you're against everything.

Right. So you gotta, whether you're tired, whether you feel this, you gotta travel, you gotta, then you go home and all of a sudden you got this asshole and you got a fucking yard. Six cars in a yard. So I, I'm like. The fucking hose mobile in the front yard. Oh yeah.

What'd you say? Running? I said none of them running. No, dude, you can't have that. And I think that this question is great because it's just like, you know what, I'm going to invest in my piece. Sure. Yeah.

Of course. I'm going to invest in a fucking big fence. Out of sight, out of mind. If I can't see it, it's not a problem. But I'm not, it's not ruining my day. It's not ruining my golf outing. No. Slap up a big fence.

That's the way. Slap up other big fence people. Or you could have big, I know this is, it's a little more expensive, but this is the way I would go. Haven't killed. Just have Joe. I got two words for you. Mountain lion.

All right. No, you could have giant trees, like giant trees. Like put in. Yeah. You know, just line the fucking property. Just line it up with like those giant pine trees. If you put the saplings in, you're fine. You're playing a long game right there.

Put the little ones in. Wait 30 years for that girl. That takes it real seriously. It gets like 19 German shepherds. He's just lining it. Jesus Christ, man. All over some leaves, dude. It was one birthday party.

Sorry we were loud, man. It was my 21st. Well, my neighbor actually threatened me with a gun after my first fireworks. I told you that. The girl? The woman? No, no, no, no.

She's kooky, right? I told you I saw her. You saw her. No, she's done. She was writing down license plates. No. I'm not getting involved. I'm not getting involved.

No, there's a woman that he's talking about. That's out of her mind. She heard like Coyote's howling screaming. And she showed up with rubber boots and an axe asking if there was an animal attacking kids. I mean, it was fucking like, yeah. There's one. She's just like that.

We're watching Jurassic Park, lady. Yeah, she needs to be put away. But no, so the first year, so I'll give you the quick thing. I know you got to run. So my fourth of July party, I do big fireworks. Yeah. Not really the most legal. I would say not at all.

The first year we did it. I didn't know. I was like, I'm going to have some people. We're going to have fireworks. I didn't know what real fireworks were. So I did get the ones in Connecticut in the supermarket that looked big, but like they come up to here and shit. And my daughter was three years old.

And right when it was done, you just heard her. She goes, this was just so disappointing. Yeah. So for one fucking year, I told everybody, watch now. Man, you watch me. Paul brought the National Guard in. So I was like, come next year, my little girl. So the next year, dude, we went.

Like, dude, I had a friend come up from the Bronx. He goes, come out here. And I went to the truck. Here's a tank. I went to the truck. Dude, he opened his trunk and he took this. And he had like not those plastic bags that like are garbage. Like you put a body in this fucking thing.

And he opened it up, dude. And there were like rockets, dude. Like I mean like rockets that like seem like they should be going to Afghanistan, not up in the. We didn't know where to line them up. So dude, we just had it. It turned into, I mean, dude, Bartnick, you just like people were like, dude, I've been to baseball games.

Like mine, dude, it was so nuts that but we were close to the neighbor. I didn't know how high these things were going to go. So the next day, dude, it looked like a fucking jet blue fuselage blew up over this guy's house. Like this guy's like, my wife's been cleaning up for a half hour. The debris was everywhere.

I didn't know though. I mean, one of them like flew into his yard, dude. So he's like, he's like, you know, next year, can I talk to you for a second? You know, next year I'm going to be armed. Like he was like, and I'm like, dude, I didn't, I didn't know. I didn't know what this kid's going to bring.

I didn't know this kid's going to bring something that could blow up a small country. I didn't know. I just wanted to please my daughter because we had fucking jumping jacks the year before. Like the Ukrainian aid package. I'm going to be armed. It's like you did it on purpose.

Relax. And I go, what do you mean? And he's like, I'm just saying I'm going to be, I'm going to. And like, it was a weird thing to say. And I kind of, it was just a weird thing to say. But, um, ever since then, but then, you know what this fucker did years later, we didn't have a problem. He invited his family and they all sat on the deck to watch

the fucking show. That's community, baby. Yeah. You know, but we still don't talk. But. Why don't you relax. Come to the party next year, bring a thing of fucking Tostito scoops and we'll have a nice time.

In his defense, I was lining up rockets five feet from his property line. What the fuck? What's this? But, uh, yeah, I'm all about the fence. Send it. Send it to the neighbor too. Apparently.

Send it flares over the house. We got to wrap her up. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Versey out on tour right now, Netflix special. You got to check out Paul. What do you want the folks out there? Maybe guys, uh, I got a big tour coming up called the level up tour.

I start January 28th at the Royal Theater in Toronto. Tickets are going, man. I cannot wait to be there. Then I'm coming home. I'm headlining for the first time in New York City. Gotham Comedy Club February 2nd and 3rd. I'm going to be, uh, Valentine's Day. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh one night.

It's a Tuesday. Bring your date. Pittsburgh Improv. Uh, bringing up Pittsburgh zone. Joe Bartnick is going to be, uh, Joe Bartnick's going to be opening for me, but I'm going to be out there. And we just guys, we added, uh, so much. I got Tampa coming up.

I got Salt Lake City. I got Denver. I got Texas, uh, in Austin. I got Chicago coming up. I got Rhode Island. Just last night we got Charlotte. We got Raleigh. Go to paulversey.com.

All the tickets are available. I'm doing a brand new hour. Uh, and I think it's the best hour that I've ever done, even better than Nocturnal Emissions, which is crushing on Netflix right now. Um, so yeah, man. So I hope to see you guys, man. Go to the shows, but, uh, yeah.

So the first three are, uh, Toronto, New York City, Pittsburgh. Love you guys, man. We love you, buddy. Gang, if you haven't seen Paul, do yourself a fucking favor and check him out. Oh, and real quick, my new, my, so my Verzi Effect podcast is now in a studio like this. It's doing fantastic on YouTube.

The Verzi Effect. I also co-host anything better with Bill Burr. And, uh, we do, uh, BedMGM picks for football. So the whole thing, go to my YouTube channel, Paul Verzi. There you go. V-I-R-Z-I. Thank you, buddy. Love you.

Thank you for having me. Uh, we're all, we're going to be announcing our dates coming up. Stay tuned for that. Get tickets to the live shows. They're moving quick. We love yous. Thank you. See you next week.

Peace.