Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Gentleman's Moves! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come t...o a live show! AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Square: Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at https://square.com/go/garbage! Promo Code: GARBAGE Butcher Box: Go to https://ButcherBox.com/GARBAGE to get $20 off your first box, plus your choice of free ribeye, new york strip, or filet mignon in every box for a year — with free shipping always. Promo Code: GARBAGE Ultra: Don’t sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code GARBAGE at https://takeultra.com! Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh yeah, all right, gang. I'm talking about that American Garbage special from RU Garbage right here, September 13th on our YouTube page. Yes, if you don't already subscribe, please subscribe to our YouTube page. We want to blow this thing up. If you're an audio listener, take a minute, pull up YouTube, subscribe so you get notified. We're going to be doing a live premiere of it that night. We're going to be in the chat, get your heaters, get your beers. The boys are throwing a gosh darn party.
Starting point is 00:00:25 September 13th, American Garbage, our first comedy special. Do it. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
Starting point is 00:00:56 This is R.U. Garbage. Hey, it. It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece. Trash trash trash trash trash. I'm your host, Dave's fully coming at you on a beautiful day.
Starting point is 00:01:09 We're out back here with Tootie's and a new addition. She just hit a 920 on the pipe outside. Oh, my God. Nothing on that? We're doing it again. No, we're not. You son of a bitch. What was wrong with that?
Starting point is 00:01:20 I'm always right with it. An idiot woman skateboarding? That's pretty goddamn funny. Where I go from? That's a comedy. That 920 has just been around a couple of times. You couldn't do that. Who used to do that at the slam dunks back in the day?
Starting point is 00:01:34 They dressed up as the old. Tony Hawk. No, was it was the, was it, was it, Anthony Hartway? Penny Hardaway? What you talk about Penny? Someone, someone used to dress up as a, as a grandma. No, that was, God damn it. Jimmy Johnson, what was his name?
Starting point is 00:01:50 He had a big sneaker line for a while. Yeah, I'm saying that. Grandmahs. Kyrie, I think, did it? No. This is, come on. Yeah, let's go, nerd alert. Fucking fucking late 90s.
Starting point is 00:02:02 In the meantime, can you get on with the show? He played from New Orleans, I think. Charlotte, maybe. Jimmy Johnson, the football. It was good. My co-'s coming here from across the tables. We call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies.
Starting point is 00:02:16 He's my good pal, best pal in the whole wide world. Some would say, I would say. He would say. Hey, buddy. CEO of Are You Garbage? Let's run down his resume real quick. CEO. Are you Garbage?
Starting point is 00:02:29 You're either going to ask for To borrow money or trash me at the end of this Either way, I'm open CEO of Are You Garbage Engineered the whole operation Business-wise Comedically You know
Starting point is 00:02:42 You know you're really reaching When you ever you say engineered or architected You're really You are jammed the fuck up Whenever you've said those two things What are you talking about? I'm trying to be nice to give you companies You a fucking idiot
Starting point is 00:02:54 Shut up and take it He's a good dad Makes hell of a scrambled egg I'll tell you that Kevin Ryan King of the Burbs, king of the board Thank you very much I obviously have a dad thing to talk to you about
Starting point is 00:03:10 Do your little preamble, go ahead You're such a big day Oh you mean the thing where I thank all the people For listening and watching I already did that No you didn't I sent them all letter Individually
Starting point is 00:03:23 My hand is cramping right What's up everybody? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available at YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. Yeah, we're killing it. And those numbers are true to roof. What's up?
Starting point is 00:03:39 Hello. We're back, baby. They're true. Let's go. We really are, man. Shout out there, everybody on Spotify. The boys are back and they're fucking cooking, baby. Shout out to you.
Starting point is 00:03:49 And obviously, patreon.com. Those numbers are through the fucking roof as well. You go over there, you sign up. You get up to two bonus episodes a week. Plus the whole back catalog, you know, you know, you get our feelings. You get bonus AYGs. If you know, you know. I'm just going to start saying that.
Starting point is 00:04:02 If you know, you know. And a lot of people know. Go over there and join the Army of Garbage, 16,000 strong. Yeah. We're going to launch a new tour. We've got the new spesh coming out. The new tour is on sale. Fuck, I don't know if we can say.
Starting point is 00:04:16 I say it's okay. Drop the link. Okay. Well, I don't know if that's. I don't know if, uh... We got the new special, September 13th. New special. American Garbage filmed.
Starting point is 00:04:26 down there at side splitters Tampa, Florida, five nights, great fucking shows, great smash. Yeah. All are you garbage? It's our finest work yet. We're going to be dropping on September 13th on our YouTube page. Start rallying around. Start following. Yes.
Starting point is 00:04:41 Do it. I've said this before. Let's go. If you view the program over there on Spotify or if you just listen to the audio, take a second. Do the boys a goddamn favor. We're fucking, we're grassroots bootstrapping this thing. We could have went to a streamer.
Starting point is 00:04:54 No, we couldn't have. We didn't even try to sell it. to them because they wouldn't return our calls. No, obviously, we... They don't have facts, Michelle. Fully wrote them a letter. We want, you know, we're very for the people by the people. The fans have supported us from day one.
Starting point is 00:05:14 So we want to just fucking put it on. All of our stuff goes on YouTube. We're a YouTube. We're a freaking YouTube outfit. That's what we are. We're a young... Right to the people. Forward-thinking outfit.
Starting point is 00:05:24 It's all YouTube. You know what I mean? You can use the new outfit. Hey, down, we're back. It's a brand new shirt. Uh-huh. 46 jeans. Which, by the way, are really 52s.
Starting point is 00:05:36 No. You've been looking at my bags. They're 46s. I was at a joint over there in the Lower East Side doing a little window shopping. Can't really pick up anything right now. I want to see what the fall fashion was going to be. Yeah. You know?
Starting point is 00:05:53 I want to be in touch with what's going on. And I'm in this store. It's like a vintage store. And they're like being real nice. Listen, nothing here is going to fit me. They're like, oh, we have the, we have a genius bar in the back, but spelled G-A-G-E-A-N. I got you. You can rent jeans or something like that.
Starting point is 00:06:12 And I was back. Times are tough out there. I was back there. Well, they're like nice jeans. Luke knows all about it. It's young guy stuff. You don't know. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:18 And I was back then, I was leaning on the bar. And this lady came up and said, you're leaning on the genius bar? What are you fucking trolling for con? I was. Jesus, that got aggressive. Yeah. Got to dinner first. And this lady came up and said, I can't lean on the genius bar.
Starting point is 00:06:34 It was a stone bar. First of all, stop saying genius bar. Please. It wasn't like a glass, like a jewelry store I get when you're leaning. It's going to shatter. I get that. It was all stone. I'm like, the fuck.
Starting point is 00:06:48 She's like, please don't lean on the bar. And then another lady came up and was like, do you want to look at something? I was like, honey, I don't think anything's going to fit me in here. And she's like, well, we have up to size 48. And I was like, oh, I'm a 46. And she goes, I think we have. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 00:07:04 She's like, I think we have one or two pairs. I said, I'm fine, thank you. Why not just say no thanks? Why, why talk to, why put yourself in the negative light? Hey, do you want to see something? No, thanks. I'm okay. Because she knows I'm fat.
Starting point is 00:07:16 They know nothing fits me in there. Okay. What am I going to say? No, thanks. Not today. They know what's up. It's like when I go to Dairy Queen. They give me a bucket.
Starting point is 00:07:28 You don't have that problem to make your knees to you. You've been here all along, Mr. Foley. I think that's like self-talk, they say that. Just go ahead, you know. I've heard enough of that shit. Okay. It's a fucking negative self-talk.
Starting point is 00:07:41 I don't like the guy, all right? He's a bad guy. Hey, you should hurt on yourself. One thing, I'm doing it performatively, so you feel bad for me. I'm manipulating everyone. Larry Johnson was the best. You son of a bitch.
Starting point is 00:07:57 I knew it was that. I said Jimmy Johnson. I was close. I get the points, right? I get the money. Yeah, sure. Whatever you need. Whatever you need.
Starting point is 00:08:07 What was the dad question? Well, okay. I pitched to you a couple weeks ago. I don't think you responded to me. I'm not sure if you were speaking to me. I had this idea about gentlemen's moves. Okay. Because sometimes when I was...
Starting point is 00:08:21 Hold on these. Sometimes you float up. ideas that you send you send them to the group chat and it's like it's like nothing it's like the art it's like the what i said the other day you told me it's like did i freak out no no well a lot of time it's either stuff we do you know it's something so basically can we should have an instagram page and you go okay man sure whatever you say or sometimes it's my idea that we're you know i've said the a week ago and you repurposes and send over i don't know sometimes i don't know how to engage with it, that's all.
Starting point is 00:08:56 Yeah. Uh-huh. You also said it at 1.30 a.m. I was just waking up. Just getting home from the genius bar. I'd be getting up early. We're on spitballing ideas. He does it all the time, though.
Starting point is 00:09:10 Not at that. It's usually 80. You're always starting shit, and then I think I've got to get in there because if I don't say something, I'm going to get in trouble. It's when you want to open the front door. Is that what you think? I know that's what I think. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:22 Sorry. Sorry we discussed business between nine and five. I apologize. You know I'm on LA Times. Let me get my head on straight. What's the L.A. stand for a loser asshole. Zing! It's pretty good.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Luke, cut that clip. No. Put that on the Instagram page. That was always I'd be it. A gentleman's move. Like when things are done, they don't need to be done. A gentleman's move. Like, I was at this restaurant.
Starting point is 00:09:56 This is going to stink. I was at a restaurant I was at this restaurant and they I was at Connellys which is a bar and restaurant The one in Midtown? Yeah Okay
Starting point is 00:10:08 I was staying near there I was taking in by cousin Ian They had Mader D's downstairs And upstairs they don't need to have Mader D's there But they had them and the guys were great They were just nice It was cool A gentleman's move having that
Starting point is 00:10:26 I go buy a lighter at the deli, the guy lights it for me, then gives it to me. That's a gentleman's move. Nah, why is lighting it for you a gentleman's move? He's showing you that it works. That's going above and beyond the eye. That's saving him. Why?
Starting point is 00:10:40 Because if he, you give it to him. You come back with the fuck, hey, let me get the black lighter. You take it out there. That's the oldest trick in the book. You come back in and it just don't fucking work. Give me a new one. It worked. It worked.
Starting point is 00:10:52 I handed it to you, guy. That's on you. Oh, like if I went out and switched the lighter? Yeah, that's, yeah. That's to not fucking get stolen lighters. Look, he's doing that for his. This isn't true. He holds it up to the camera.
Starting point is 00:11:03 Take a look. The eye in the sky. All right, never mind. I'll tell you what. You're trying to get a little faith in the world. Listen, you're never going to cut it in this business. If you can't take. Crampus to take the legs out from under you.
Starting point is 00:11:16 I thought they were doing it to me nice. Such a dirt bag move, too. Yeah, what? Hey, can you light it for me? It's not a gentleman. Dude, if you're going somewhere that's shopping, you're shopping for lighters, And he's like with chicks, I blow up the condom in my mouth and let them know that there's no holes in.
Starting point is 00:11:33 I don't do that. Anyway, that really wasn't. Sounds like you have. That wasn't a part of the pitch. No, the segment that we're doing. Okay. So, but what about a debt? What's the crack lighter have to do with a dad?
Starting point is 00:11:48 It's not a crack letter. It was a regular small bick, which I prefer. My dad, my dad started doing that. He left. Get over it. Started doing that. I never got it because it feels dainty. I always thought they were like women lighters.
Starting point is 00:12:03 You know what I mean? For their tiny brains. No, get it. Sounds like a guy with a... Well, my stepmom used to use... It sounds like a guy with a small pig. I want the biggest one you got. I got that big the Jeep.
Starting point is 00:12:18 Hello, ladies. Put in your pocket. I get in my monster truck and drive away. Crushing your tiny little... bitch car A little cuck car you're in Ramming up What?
Starting point is 00:12:37 I don't know Man those big trucks seem so I don't have the energy The guys with the crackers on their car They're like Fucking dork I thought you're a young cool guy
Starting point is 00:12:50 Not that shit You're disturbing the neighborhood Okay pop up People trying to sleep Six o'clock in the night Woo Woo Hate that shit
Starting point is 00:13:00 Uh-huh. Anyway, this is really nothing to do with it. I was trying to wedge that in. I forget any steam on that. Guess not. You know what? You bombed in a group text with four people. Why don't you try in front of a quarter million?
Starting point is 00:13:16 Hey. It feels wrong not to swing. Who said that? Merrill in signs. Walking. Phoenix. Never saw it. Yes, you did.
Starting point is 00:13:27 Don't say that. I'll think I'm crazy. We spent a whole car Are you fucking with me? We've talked about it on the... You guys are fucking around. We've talked about it on this program. Parts of it.
Starting point is 00:13:40 We've talked about that movie. Yeah, I've seen parts... It was filmed in Bucks County. Yeah, I've said... I've mentioned that. When he was in Newtown, it was a big... You said you saw sign. I've seen parts of it, yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:52 Parts of it. You think you know a guy. It's crazy. You've seen it, right, Luke? Your name is Luke, right? It's actually not. That's Lewis. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:14:04 Get back on drugs. I saw a guy at a restaurant yesterday. He was sitting at the bar having a beer, reading the newspaper. And you as a dad. I know you don't read the newspaper or go to bars during the day, but I could see, I thought about you doing it. That's the gentleman's move, sitting there reading the paper at a bar. So I don't understand.
Starting point is 00:14:28 I'm sorry. I don't understand the question. Well, I just, I don't know. I was just talking to you about it. Isn't that nice? Shit. Reading a paper at a bar sitting there. I feel like if I don't agree with you, you're going to go postal.
Starting point is 00:14:43 So yeah, huh? It's a great idea, man. We can read the newspaper, then go watch signs. I thought that was nice. Yeah, I, that's a guy that's calm, cool, collected. I like the romance of that, for sure. The romance. I'm banging it
Starting point is 00:15:00 I'm clearly not a romantic lover Yes I am Isn't it romantic I have so many questions What time of day was this? 4 o'clock in the morning After I was joined Next to a guy
Starting point is 00:15:18 No It was in the evening It was after work It was happy hour you would call it Okay I don't imbibing that stuff What was he imbiving on? I didn't have a virgin Mary
Starting point is 00:15:29 at the airport not that long ago. Pretty good. I like to me. I like the bloody marry me. Nice. Yeah. But I only had one. I thought it was a little too close to the sun.
Starting point is 00:15:40 We're not going to be doing that. That's good. Luke? What was he imbiving on? I had like a light beer. You know what I mean? All right. There's another thing too.
Starting point is 00:15:49 Guy's just sitting there slow drinking a glass of beer. It's nice. Yeah. It's crazy to me. I know. Yeah. You gonna shoot that, buddy?
Starting point is 00:16:01 You got something to back that up, right, pal? Bitch. Sitting there reading the Wall Street Journal or something like that. Just, you know, hit it all spread out. I don't know. It's kind of like dad's shit. I can see you doing. Yeah, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:16:12 I don't think I've ever read the paper, so I'd have to get in on that new form of media. You know, and then it's stange of my fingers, which I probably don't like that much. I could have a beer. I eat my goldfish. I taste ink. I could have a beer in scrounge.
Starting point is 00:16:28 and scroll. I could do that. I could do that for you. Yeah. But there is something. Sorry, not like the financial news or anything like that. Nah, take that, you know, not whatever. Reels.
Starting point is 00:16:38 Yeah. Shirts. You know what's crazy? I was with my family and I seen it twice and I never thought about it that way. As, you know, as like I said, we're a YouTube family over here. You know, the younger kids are, they'll watch YouTube shorts on TV. How they flip? I think it just auto does it.
Starting point is 00:17:00 Oh, I can't do that. I got to have control. Dude, we were down the shore and, like, they just have it on in the background and it's like 12 seconds, five seconds. A minute. What are they doing? They're just like, just what? It's just there. Ah, that one was fun.
Starting point is 00:17:12 I don't know. I walked in and I go, are you guys watching YouTube shorts on a fucking flasper, plasma flat screen right now? And they were. And my sister or something, my sister-in-law was like, oh, yeah. I mean, they don't have, the kids don't have phones. Why? The young kids don't have phones. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:30 Like a fucking seven-year-old doesn't have a phone. What do they watch? Are they watching, like, clips from like a landman and stuff like that? That's what I watch. That is all the YouTube shorts I get to. Christopher Maltussanti's top 50 lines. What am I to shop I ran? Damn.
Starting point is 00:17:51 Yeah, and it's just like, I don't know. I just blew my mind. We're like going back in a circle. Where it was like shorts for the thing and it's like now you're watching that on the fucking big screen Crazy yeah I got to be able to control it Yeah, I mean you're not a seven year old. I know I catch a bad one I'm Done beat it I want to see how presidents ate and those battles that they have
Starting point is 00:18:17 Those they have the AI battles and the and the AI things with the tooth Showing teeth and the two smiling when you put a little bit of wax on it I don't know about that I do, there was one big dad thing, full-blown suburban dad thing I did this morning, yesterday afternoon, but then it came into play this morning. I felt real nice. Walked out through your keys, got in the car, and drove away. Buddy?
Starting point is 00:18:42 I'm thinking about it. I remember my dad pulling out of driveway a couple of times, I know it's coming back. You would, like, do the pulling out really hard for effect. That's it. Get in the car. Exactly an hour later. Core to Coors light. Quarter to beer.
Starting point is 00:18:57 did outside smoke cigarettes probably did something robin crazy gentlemen's move gentleman's move falsely abandon your threaten your kids tell them you're going to leave and never see him again
Starting point is 00:19:10 that's how you fucking get the heart going on a Sunday night right before dinner come back with the cheapest beer they had at the fucking at the corner store crank Marlboro Reds yeah and go I can't leave her she gets half my pension yeah
Starting point is 00:19:23 I feel you God love Kep, we got talking about Square. Square! Gang support for today's episode comes from Square. The system powering like, I don't know, half the places that you go? Right? If you ever tap to pay anywhere and thought, I don't know how do that?
Starting point is 00:19:42 That's pretty fast, pretty quick. It's not squirrels in there. It's square. Uh-huh. So do yourself a favor. Get over to Square. You got a small business. You got something going on.
Starting point is 00:19:51 You got a little side hustle. You want to turn into more professional operation. Use Square. Everybody's doing it. Yes. We, I mean, we use it on the road. We use Square if you've bought merch at a live show, Bada Bing, Bada Boom.
Starting point is 00:20:02 Teep, doop, too. If you met Rye guy, he's over there. You're tapping, you're swiping. It's all off Square, baby. Square is a platform behind the scenes of so many businesses you already love. Whether someone's selling smoothies, cutting hair, fixing bikes, or running a boutique. Square gives them one connected system to take payments,
Starting point is 00:20:18 manage inventory, run payroll, send invoices and track it all from one place. Because listen, most of you, if you're a hustler, you've got a small business doing this. You're probably not great with paperwork. You're managing payroll. You got HR problems. You got inventory problems. You got delivery problems.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Let Square handle all the BS for you that you don't have the time or to ban what to do. Square takes care of it. Yeah, I mean? If you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash garbage. That's Square, S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash GAGE. Run your business.
Starting point is 00:20:57 Smarter with Square. Get started today. Do it. Do it. Kim, let's talk about butcher box, baby. Uh-huh. Thank God the boys are back because I need a little meat in a fridge. You ever look in your refrigerator and you said to yourself,
Starting point is 00:21:09 oh, my God, there ain't nothing in here. Do yourself a favor. Get over to butcher box. You can solve that problem real quick. They get meat sent right to your freezer. We're talking about 100% grass-fed organic beef. We're talking about organic chicken. Wild caught seafood.
Starting point is 00:21:23 Plenty of more. Kippie. Wild-coons. Not that stuff you're catching off the bridge at Coney Island talking wild, caught, fresh, right to your food. Yes. Guys, butcher box has been with us for a very long time. They're good supporters of the show. I've been using them since they came along.
Starting point is 00:21:40 They gave it. They sent us a free package. I got sold. Me and the broad do it. We're in there. We're cooking. We're making this. You got your chicken.
Starting point is 00:21:47 You got your salmon. You got your seafood. You got it all. And it's easy. It brings me and the bird together. We're in there cooking, doing it right. So if you're looking for an easier way to get great meals on the table, give Butcherbox a try.
Starting point is 00:21:59 Go to butcherbox.com slash garbage to get $20 off your first box, plus your choice of free ribby, New York strip or filet mignon in every box for a year with free shipping, as always. That's butcherbox.com slash garbage. Again, butcherbox.com slash garbage. Be sure to use our link so they know we sent you debt. What you were saying? And maybe I'm just, I've always, I'm a, I'm a,
Starting point is 00:22:25 I'm a dirt bag. You are. I'm a dirt bag. We were talking recently, I think you were talking about the trash in the car and just. That's a parent thing. I don't fault you for that. I'm just not getting in it. No.
Starting point is 00:22:39 I don't like that sour milk smell in like family cars. We don't have that. I'm not getting in there. You come by and try to pick me up. I won't get in the car. Ready to collect tonight? No, you're right. I don't want to.
Starting point is 00:22:54 I don't even want to bother you. Yeah. All right, I'll do it. But go ahead. I got the car here. I can drive you home. Really? Yeah, where the fuck did I park?
Starting point is 00:23:02 Oh, yeah, okay. You drive me back to Brooklyn? Oh, no. Where did you think I lived? I'm not in Ian's basement. Hey, then. I have a grown 50-year-old man, successful, owns a business. Didn't think you lived in the basement and fucking Bushwick.
Starting point is 00:23:16 Shout out to cousin Ian over there. Yeah. Woo-wee. Man. Loving that neighborhood, too. I had a celebrity setting over there. Ian Finance lives above you? Holy shit.
Starting point is 00:23:27 Now, it's a lady who does... She's not a celebrity, then. You do that a lot. What? You don't know the guy. The guy from the dig, not him. The other guy, that's how you... Get back to your messy car.
Starting point is 00:23:40 And I will not ride in, still. Unless you drive me home tonight. Unless you really want me to... What did you? Who was it? She does Facebook Marketplace fines. Oh, my God. But she's really cool with it.
Starting point is 00:23:52 She does, like, retro stuff. I don't want to say... I'm afraid to say it's called, it's called. Don't say it then. If you're afraid to say it. Well, it's just there's a bad word on it. Okay, then don't say it. But it's not said like that.
Starting point is 00:24:04 Well, I would say, I don't know. It's not the N word. I've never heard you say a bad word. It's a bad word. It's like Facebook marketplace sluts or something like that. Don't act like you've never typed that into a search bar. How do you think you stumbled upon? She says, hey, sluts.
Starting point is 00:24:20 It's for like girls for like getting retro stuff. But she opened up a store and she has like conversation. and pit couches and stuff like that it's really cool she was waiting outside of a restaurant i don't want to say hi because i wasn't sure if she knew who i was and that would look like an idiot she's probably she's probably telling her friends i saw that podcast what i don't want to say hi to him um big she's huge yeah i like all that vintage stuff okay shows a bird likes all that vintage stuff um um i Officially, I think the kids are calling it,
Starting point is 00:25:02 Unch, Chopped, Washed. Yes. You're Unk. I'm not. You are. I got excited. I put a fucking a pack of baby wipes in the car that live in the car just to clean up messes and stuff.
Starting point is 00:25:18 Like mainly for me, it's nice. I got to tell you, I had a sizzle this morning. Pork roll egg and cheese. Got all over my face. That's what you do? I don't know what, a bagel? Yeah. so odd to me
Starting point is 00:25:31 no flavor in that I have a pork roll on a cheese on a croissant sure I see what you're saying I don't like that aren't live in Philadelphia your pork rolls like a breakfast salami I don't know
Starting point is 00:25:45 Yeah it's a it's like a yeah it's like a yeah Yeah A bunch of Italian goons in North Jersey Going to the hood What's up boys Really picking your battles today aren't you But it just and then I had a bunch of cheese on my face The wet wipe
Starting point is 00:26:06 Changes the fucking game A wet wipe not a baby wipe It's a baby wipe So it smells like baby? No Okay Now the wipes are like Which I like
Starting point is 00:26:16 That was my biggest problem using baby wipes Everything's like non smell It's like these are just called water wipes They go why we are 99% water Oh A little fragrance Yeah, no, we're fragrance free though Really?
Starting point is 00:26:32 Yeah Diapers fragrance free No kidding I like a fragrance Yeah, but when it's too much And you're around it all day What? I was wearing perfume all weekend
Starting point is 00:26:42 Tutsi weekend I ran out of Cologne And it really doesn't matter It's how the scent attaches to your pheromone What are you? Huh? Shut up
Starting point is 00:26:54 Hey, there's a guy who lives in a basement Where's perfume? Yeah. Ian's yelling down at you? Who's a little basement slut? Collected moths instead of butterflies? Ooh. Listen, you're
Starting point is 00:27:14 your Tootsie weekends are neither here. That's not a Tootsie weekend. It's not a manly weekend. I like to smell nice. I stop smoking. I like to smell nice. You know what I mean? I need a little spritz of something.
Starting point is 00:27:26 Okay. I mean, you seem oddly defensive over this. You call me a toots. Well, you're wearing perfume all weekend. Fair enough. That is a tootsie weekend. You know, Tutsi? Luke, can we get a definition of Tutsi weekend?
Starting point is 00:27:44 That's something that one of your loser friends told you in, like, sixth grade. It's not going to be on the internet and a major search engine like Google. I'm a big man. Luke, Tutsi weekend. They're giving me nothing. I got like a Tutsi brunch. What's that? Tutsi brunch.
Starting point is 00:28:01 I don't know. some girls on the Today Show doing like making a drink. Let me go Urban Dick. Urban Dick. Yeah, it's on Urban Dick. What's Urban Dick? Don't act like you have never typed that into a search bar. A weekend where a man dresses and assumes a female identity to see what it feels like to live as a woman.
Starting point is 00:28:20 How you doing, a.k.a. a. Tutsi weekend. Let's go. A.k.a. Foley and Ian this weekend. Leave my friend Ian finance out of it. It was a lady's perfume. My girl's perfume. and I tug my wiener back I know What's wrong with that
Starting point is 00:28:38 I don't got enough to tug back It keeps popping out Shit It's like a doorstopper Um Yes listen we got a gosh darn family episode on our hands gang As you know when you join the old Patreon We'll answer your garbage questions on the friggin' air
Starting point is 00:28:57 This one's from Ryan Is it Garbage if your family member refers to seniority levels as the number two guy. Seniority levels. Instead of saying like that's the vice president, it's like, he's the number two guy down there. Oh, yeah. He's in the, that's great.
Starting point is 00:29:13 That's big, but my brother does all the time. Right-hand man. Ooh. That's Jimmy's right-hand man. For a lot of, he made his bones being Jimmy. That made his bones is a big dirt bag thing. He made his bones being Jimmy's right-hand man for a long time. He ain't tough.
Starting point is 00:29:30 He made your bones get. getting his coffee. Yeah. Am I your right-hand man? Luke? Next question. Luke's your right-hand man? I don't have a right-hand man.
Starting point is 00:29:40 I'm a lone wall. Baby wipes. A messy car. Aren't you living in a basement wearing perfume right now? I smell good. Trying to duck your wiener in? Right here. But can't.
Starting point is 00:29:54 Yeah. That's trashy. I like it, though. Oh, of course. I mean, like, what would your family say? They wouldn't say that. That's blue collar derpe. He's the vice executive president of something.
Starting point is 00:30:06 No, what do they call it to C-suite? Like, what is that executive level? They, like, what is that? Like, CEO, C-M-O. Exactly. C-sweet? They say, like, he's a C-suite executive. C-sweet?
Starting point is 00:30:19 Like, sweet like sugar? No. You wish, sugar lips? Like my glitter? What's that saying? A little sugar in the gas tank. I think that's a bit of a tutsy weekend insult Got a little sugar in the tank
Starting point is 00:30:36 You leave me alone Okay That wasn't a real mainly response either You start crying It's not what you said It's how you said it I'm not man I'm just disappointed Um
Starting point is 00:30:52 C sweet Like a sweet like a hotel room But we're not staying in Los Angeles Yeah, this guy. Regular room. What have you done to deserve? Not a regular... Hey, listen, I put us in Airbnb's.
Starting point is 00:31:12 Screw that up. I mean, I don't know what you want to do. You want to stay up all night? Well, okay, never mind. Next question. Moving on. A C-suite. What do you mean?
Starting point is 00:31:21 Like C-level. Like C, C for corporate. Yes. Like, is the chief marketing officer, CEO, C-M-O, C-F-O. Yes. The C-level. The top brass. Yes.
Starting point is 00:31:33 That's what I would. But why you say sweet? That's what they call it, I think, right? I don't know. S-U-I-T-E. Yeah. Yeah. That, you're never making it.
Starting point is 00:31:43 I'll be a right-hand man. It'll be a number nine guy. I'm cool with that. Not ten. It's anyone with the word who their title begins with chief. Yeah. So chief executive officer. Oh, the C suite.
Starting point is 00:31:57 Yes. Where all those guys sit when they go to football games. Sure. Right? That's okay. The suite. They're in the C suite. No.
Starting point is 00:32:06 I thought it was one guy that had all those titles. Like he was the CEO and the CFO or whatever. No. So every single person has that title. And then that top floor, wherever, like they have the penthouse. That's the C suite. That's the C sweet. Yes, I get that.
Starting point is 00:32:20 Okay. Gotcha. Up in the C suite. Yeah. He's up in the sweet suite. C sweet. That's Jimmy's right hand man. They don't talk like that.
Starting point is 00:32:29 Nah. You're definitely. I would never say, unless he was trying to talk about a guy who's connected. Yeah. Tony's writing me. Anthony Pileggio works here. Yeah, that's a tough one. Wait a minute, I have a question.
Starting point is 00:32:43 Was your dad of our vice president? No, my mom was. She was? No, mom was, yeah. My mom was fire up. My mom was C-suite. Yeah. He was in the C-suite.
Starting point is 00:32:54 You are a lowly e-man. I'm in the bleachers, baby. For extra large. With the real people. People. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, we don't have any. Work your way up.
Starting point is 00:33:09 You got to work your way up. Real non-commissioned officers. Or whoever gets commissioned in the field. Got to kill a bunch of Germans first. They go to college. Whatever Luke's parents told me to kill. That's who my family killed. That's what my family did.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Shot at whoever Luke's family decided we were. Going after. Fallen orders and took the fall. The Ryan story. It's a massacre in Korea. Holy shit. Oh, man. All right, let's see.
Starting point is 00:33:42 This is in the same world. This is from Eric. Ten dollar brogue, never had one read. Ever say, why can't I do that after watching the big short? I think about that all the time. Uh-huh. I remember hearing. I specifically remember the day, the weather.
Starting point is 00:34:01 And it was the morning. I was walking into high school senior year. It was 1994. It was like the beginning of May. And I heard the word Yahoo. Hey, Yahoo. You're in the wrong class. It was you.
Starting point is 00:34:17 No. And they were like, it's going to be big. It's going to be big. Somebody was saying it. I don't know who it was. Probably some chick knowing me. Rolling in. Now's one of my buddies.
Starting point is 00:34:30 Okay. You were in bed with her And I remember them saying it's going to be big If I just would have put like See this is everything Dude that Well your version of that My version of that was
Starting point is 00:34:41 30 grand in that I'm a billionaire right Did you get 30 grand Huh You don't have 30 grand now You're cute A little girl You're real cute
Starting point is 00:34:54 You know that Our big thing was Every single dirtbag Every single dirtbag friend of mine who was like barely hanging on, on parole, like in high school, like probate, like everything.
Starting point is 00:35:09 Going, we just got to come up with the next Facebook. We just got to come up with the next Facebook. Look at that. Facebook. Billionaire. Fucking nerd. Yeah, that and my one kid two years older than me,
Starting point is 00:35:23 tried to make a Facebook and then Facebook page? No. Like a new social network. What was it? I forget, but I could probably find it. But he kept inviting all of us. It turned time to be chat with it.
Starting point is 00:35:38 It's just him cranking it. Yeah, he tried to get us all to jail. That was like a thing where I was like we're going to. That was like our Wild West. I just heard it. Instagram. Meanwhile, we didn't know they were like billion dollar entities to begin with. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:35:53 Well, yeah, you got to get the seed money. That's another thing nobody says in corporate America. You get seed money. Seed money is when you're. No, is that seed money. Money might be like investors. Yeah, but what seed money? I mean, that would be a real thing you want seed money.
Starting point is 00:36:06 I know, but that's something trashy people would say. No. That's what I buy wheat. No? No. No, seed money, yeah. Like, you just, that's to start a company up. Yeah, the money to start it.
Starting point is 00:36:15 Give him his seed money. I just heard a really good idea today that I didn't, it's another one. Fuck, why didn't I think of that? You know, like, when you didn't have your credit wasn't good and you had to, like, ask your parents or somebody to be a guarantor on your apartment, like if you're in an apartment? You're in a bad spot. Have you just heard this today? You just described all these things.
Starting point is 00:36:35 But yeah, sure. Your income does good, but your credit's really bad. You still, you know, they're tough in New York City specifically. 38th Street. They have companies now that are third-party guarantors. You pay them a fee and they guarantee it. They bond it out. And then if you don't pay for whatever reason.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Oh, God. They come after you. Short that company. That's bad debt. Why is that bad bet? Bad debt. Bad debt. What do you mean?
Starting point is 00:37:08 They're going to be chasing a bunch of people. What are you getting into? Nothing. This ain't good. I just heard it. I didn't say I was taking anybody up on it. I'm just saying that that's a smart idea to become like the parent. Instead of the parents, you, it's like an insurance company.
Starting point is 00:37:29 This is like the big short part. too. What are you talking about? Who's fucking running out on their lease? They said the same thing about mortgages. I have five homes. Good luck with all that. I don't I wouldn't do that.
Starting point is 00:37:50 Why? You know, I'm not saying I was doing it. I'm just saying it's an interesting idea that we could have got in on, like Facebook. That's a smart idea. It's all personal. It's just a It just so happened.
Starting point is 00:38:06 This just loosely came up in dinner conversation. No, I was talking to my property manager about it. Ian? No, for my old apartment. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Yahoo. No. Brought to you by insure rent.
Starting point is 00:38:26 Is that what it's called? Oh, my God. Hey, how about you look it up before you talk shit about it? I know how these companies work. You don't know how any company works. No, you don't know how any company works. I know how this one works. No, you don't.
Starting point is 00:38:41 You two make fun of me. Yeah, it's pretty... That's all right. You're pretty good at that. What are you talking about? You went from the frat house to thuddy's house. Punk? And you know what?
Starting point is 00:38:52 You had to long, hard... You really paint yourself. Oh, I didn't? Well, yeah, it's all self-inflicted fucking bad decisions. Either way. You're the king of it. What do you got? Please be good.
Starting point is 00:39:09 Do not buy. What do you got? Okay, the fee's not crazy. No. You have to sign something. So it's not just a, you have to, they have to, listen, I don't know anything about anything. Well, I don't want to hear that. These, there's, I would, you have to, they have to be able to get your money somehow.
Starting point is 00:39:32 Yeah. They're not taking your word for it. No. So what do they, what do you get, what's it called? What do they bind it? They bond out a year's rent? I don't know. I don't even know what bond that means.
Starting point is 00:39:43 He just said it and I wanted to say to look cool in front of you guys. Did I? No. Unless you're getting a tooth bond or something like that. That's what you're good. So basically you pay a secure, you're paying a security deposit extra to them. Yeah. To make sure that, yeah, you don't run out.
Starting point is 00:40:05 An extra security deposit. How do they make money off of that? Yeah, what if I did disappear? Not me, the royal me. I'm not to speak. Henry Foley. One, two, three. They have to, listen, there's no way they're taking 3,500, a one month's rent and going,
Starting point is 00:40:25 we're going to guarantee. Stop being such a boomer and a curmudgeon. He's explaining it to you. I know, but no business would do that. You're dealing with, you're dealing with people. I understand that. They have to guarantee their money somehow. Do you get that, right?
Starting point is 00:40:37 Yeah. So say you, say the, and not you. No H. Schmoli Disappears My credit's good It's not How do you know
Starting point is 00:40:46 You've said it Fuck And also I don't know You're bringing These fucking Wacked out fucking
Starting point is 00:40:52 I have them in here For a meeting This morning They have to Guarantee They have to guarantee Their money somehow
Starting point is 00:40:57 Uh huh Right Yeah So let's just say The rent is 3,500 Just make it easy $5,000 a month
Starting point is 00:41:05 Right That's 60 12 It's $60,000 a year What? That's $60,000 a year. So they're going on the hook for $60,000 if you don't pay anything.
Starting point is 00:41:16 Right. All for $5,000. Luke, what's up with that? Well, it says they also work very closely with the leasing agencies. FPI. A dog to bounty on her. Tracking hot, lock, loaded hunting your motherfucking is down. That's how I want to come and get me.
Starting point is 00:41:36 I'll dress up like him. No, I want the real guy. I want dog. Just let him come and get me. I want dog the bounty hunter here. I'm yelling out of a bank with a megaphone. Get me the dog. They're calling me in the dog.
Starting point is 00:41:49 I want a parliament 100. Is that Kippy out there? Yeah. Smoke a hundred with him. I'm sorry, buddy. I got his jammed up. It's okay, man. It's okay.
Starting point is 00:41:58 We just all want to go home today, Hank. There don't have any lollipops in there. They only got dog treats. Not bad, though. You're at a TV bank. Hey, what are you doing? Give away my plan. A lot of banks have dog treats.
Starting point is 00:42:14 A lot of TD banks on 6th Avenue have dog treats. What do you think, Luke? I just, I don't like any of this stuff. I mean, I... Shady? No. And I'm walking. It's a real company and like...
Starting point is 00:42:28 Well, I know it's a real company. I mean, you never know. I mean, is that the threshold now? We're a real company. He's the head of a real company at the end of the day. I hate that. What's that? All right, listen.
Starting point is 00:42:42 Nothing on that. I've been doing calculated was-habs, and they've been killing. Killing. He's been hanging out with. I did one to the lady that answers the phone of my doctor's office. She was dying. You hit the doctor's office with a WhatsApp? Yeah, she were confirming an appointment.
Starting point is 00:42:59 I was like, WhatsApp. She lost it. Sounds like a great doctor's office. I mean, lost it on me. Like, sir, this is a professional thing. You can't say something. What do you think about Ultra? Oh, a lot at Ultra.
Starting point is 00:43:14 Yeah, do you desperately need a nicotine pouch every 15 minutes just to feel normal? That's no way no. How many patches? How many cups of coffee? How many energy drinks that do you need, Kippey? It's never enough. Then all of a sudden you're crashing. You got the withdraws.
Starting point is 00:43:29 You got to this. You got to that. Isn't it funny how we all really think that everything in power to be healthy? Go to the gym, eat well, eight hours of rest, all that stuff. Then you're relying on chemicals for the energy for your body? What the hell is doing? Uh-huh. Do yourself a favor.
Starting point is 00:43:45 Go over to Ultra and get yourself straightened out, in my opinion, the right way. Altheonine, alpha GPC, vitamin B6. Huh? B12, double that. B6, boom, B12. They got balanced, energy, and mood. A neutropic for enhanced mental processing, an amino acid for promoting calm energy and attentiveness for a cleaner, smoother energy boost than caffeine.
Starting point is 00:44:10 They were nicest enough to send some over here to the boys. and I got to be honest with you, it's made a shift on the team. The energy drinks are less and less. You know, it's... Screwing 464 divided by 17 and equal parts of the segment. Yes. Listen, it's a great pouch.
Starting point is 00:44:29 If you're fasting or on a diet, Ultra Pouches actively actually help you quit cravings and suppress appetite by keeping you locked in to achieve your goals. You're seeing them everywhere. They're blowing up. Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch. delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine.
Starting point is 00:44:46 New customers can use code garbage to get 15% off at take ultra.com. That's take ultra.com for 50% off with the code garbage. After you purchase, they're going to ask how you heard about them. Support our show and tell him when a boy sent you dead. Dad. All right, listen, we've got to get back into this. Please. Enough Luke.
Starting point is 00:45:06 Enough with Luke's personal problems. Enough with Luke's financial woes. Liz, we wish it well. Good luck with all that. All of me. Nothing is another. This is Joey Pepitone tree RBIs. My mom passed her to a 2007 PT cruiser to me 100% free with low miles.
Starting point is 00:45:27 Do I use it as my whip or do I sell it? What would, uh, you know, there's going to come a day where there. What would insure rent do? I don't know. Pull them up. Please. Um. Say you're me.
Starting point is 00:45:41 Say you're me. Luke, can we get the Kelly Blue Book or what a, what a 2007 PT cruisers going for? A 2007 P. It's an old car. It's got to be Burgundy. I feel like that's all they made. Burgundy, I feel like there was a gold. There was like the tan.
Starting point is 00:46:01 And what happened to us when those things came out? We were right there on the edge. Yeah, they were just a miss. We could have been a completely different country if those things gone on. Them and the Chrysler 300 or whatever they were. Yeah, the 300 was all right You think it was fine No
Starting point is 00:46:16 It was fine The river mirrors were bad They were fucking running people over Oh I didn't know about that Oh yeah it was bad It was bad I have never heard of that huh Huh
Starting point is 00:46:25 What do you got on a PT cruiser They gotta go for like 8 grand 5 grand 2005, 2007 though Just fucking 20 years old Yeah like 5 grand Yeah five grand Depending on how good it is
Starting point is 00:46:41 Just say you can get So let's say, well, you'll get five for it. How long do they run? You'll definitely get five. It says low miles. I know, but I'm saying how long. I'd say get the five grand and get out. I know, but it sounds like this guy doesn't have a car because you're saying should I use it as my whip or not.
Starting point is 00:46:56 There's no way somebody's giving him a 2007 fucking PT cruiser and he already has a car. So it's either car or no car. Well, you get rid of that for 5Gs. You buy an older Camry with more miles on it, which is going to last you longer. you take the rest of the cash and you put it all in insurance. Or maybe, I could get you something to finance too, maybe. Oh, yeah, 100%. Does he save it if it's a convertible?
Starting point is 00:47:22 Is there, is there? Why? More or less? Yeah, it's more if it's a convertible. Really? How much more? They start, the regular PT Cruiser starts around 2,500. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:47:32 And then the convertibles are going to get you closer to five. Oh. Hmm. I don't know. The convertible does make more sense. That's a car you want to be seen in. You know what I mean? That's a show.
Starting point is 00:47:47 That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, it's a, that's a, it's for. So, it was for, um, retired people. I don't know. See if you can get, like, if you type in PT Cruiser, like, sales picture, or it'll, it'll, it'll give you, like, the, the who it's for. And what happened all those Beatles? Like their corporate take. What happened all the Beatles that were around? I think they disbanded it at some point.
Starting point is 00:48:10 I think you. had a problem with them. You done? Okay. Yikes. Yikes. Remember when they redid the Beatles and they came with a sunflower? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:22 You couldn't. Where to fuck it? Hey, what happened to them? They're just gone. Yeah. That's weird. They're driving them in fucking Iraq or whatever. Got a 50 cow on it.
Starting point is 00:48:33 Take it on the fucking S.S. The fucking intrepid or whatever. Fight the Houthis and a beetle? Fucking D. Easy cutter. Blow that thing off. Ah, shit. Fucking Natalie and Brulia playing.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Huh? That's worth an investment. What do you got? The Chrysler PT Cruiser was designed for everyday drivers looking for an affordable, practical, and distinctive vehicle with a 1930s retro style. I don't want the H. Foley spin version. Who was in it?
Starting point is 00:49:07 Budget conscious buyers, style seekers. Hold on. That's specifically what I asked them for. It's a boomer car Target audience and appeal Budget conscious buyers Why? Because you are old
Starting point is 00:49:22 I'm in Generation X Practically a millennial No other 50 year olds like fucking really Jockey into being a different fucking generation Just shut up and go to work guy You can't get you need a guarantee For your lease
Starting point is 00:49:36 Shut get my vape Start calling you K puts And my reusable shopping shopping bag for when I go to Trader Joe's and shower in the public restroom. I put on a Hawaiian shirt and all my work there. It's a quiet place to eat my lunch.
Starting point is 00:50:04 Target audience and appeal. Budget conscious buyers, style seekers, practical users. Style seekers. And customizers. Yeah, you know anything about that? Uh-huh. Sounds like, I mean, sounds like the PT cruiser is the car for you, Hank. Yeah. You are the PT cruiser of grown men.
Starting point is 00:50:20 You really are. You were right there and you took a left and now you fucked it all up. Wait, say it again? You're the PT cruiser of grown men. You were right there. Where? Where was I? On the brink of having it together. You're nuts. That's what I'm
Starting point is 00:50:35 saying. You're P.T. cruiser. And the culture decided to go a different way. Which way? The insurer right way. I'm better now than I was before. Yeah, you really pick and choose the window to look at. Right now it's a basement window.
Starting point is 00:50:54 And there's a sewer drain there, which have people coming out of them. I know. They got people coming out of fucking sewer. It's crazy. They're doing something down. I don't like it, but I don't like it. No, they're doing something. Just the one guy hop out and then like...
Starting point is 00:51:06 Yeah, they look like they're wiring something down there. That ain't good. I got bigger problems. Please take me out. Uh-huh. Give you my address. All right, let's see here. This one's from John.
Starting point is 00:51:26 This is Johnny 5,000. First time, long time. Not so much a question, but a story. So my buddy went home from the bar drunk and ordered Pizza Hut for delivery. He sat in the chair on the front porch waiting for it to get delivered, and he passed out. The driver showed up and saw him there sleeping. She beeped the horn in the car a few times trying to wake him up, but he didn't move. She figured he was dead and called 911.
Starting point is 00:51:50 one two cops the fire truck and an ambulance showed up the cops fuck ladies woke him up questioned him and realized he was fine it was a big scene just to wake a guy up after they left he went inside and ate the pizza what the fuck man that's a woman response to that i mean listen i'm all about see something say something but what the fuck nudge him something i mean if he's dead he's not going to attack you but then i understand if you're if you're a lady you're you know you're the middle of the night that could be a setup it could be a setup for any You know what I mean? That's something
Starting point is 00:52:23 They grab you That's something fucking The crazy dad the neighborhood Would do on Halloween He dressed up like he was a scarecrow And then scared this shit out of you Then I couldn't sleep for a week All over a fucking mini kit cat
Starting point is 00:52:34 Fucking dickhead I don't know where I don't know who we were As a family As a group of people But someone somehow We got on An unregistered
Starting point is 00:52:48 I never told you this story I think about it all the time. Unregistered. It was unsancted. No, like an unsanctioned hayride. Unsanctioned. That someone in the neighborhood put the... It wasn't like we went to like fucking Shady Brook Farm, paid our $8, got on, went.
Starting point is 00:53:05 Some drunk on a lawnmower. Yeah. I never told you this? I must have. I feel like you made that same joke before. And I remember being sick. I make a lot of the same. That's insurer joke.
Starting point is 00:53:20 100% bonded. Sure, red. Yeah, I don't remember. I remember my neighbors being there and getting on and me being like, this don't smell right at all. And then in the distance, I don't even know where we would have went. Whatever. There was a guy on a horse at nighttime.
Starting point is 00:53:41 Wait, hold on. Where'd they pick you up? I feel like in front of my house. The house you used to live in. Mm-hmm. I've got a farm around there for miles That's what I'm saying You're like a quarter mile off street road
Starting point is 00:53:53 Guy pulls up on a tractor An old tractor or a lawnmower No like a like a It was like a Like a auto Like a truck like a big farm truck Kind of Farm truck
Starting point is 00:54:10 What's a farm truck? You're like something to deliver mulch in But without like the The stakes on the side kind of Oh, fuck. What are they called? State body truck. Yes.
Starting point is 00:54:21 All one of them, kind of. Uh-huh. With like bales of hay and, like, we got on. Oh, you got in the back of that? And we drove to like, I don't know where. I was young. I remember being like, this ain't passing the sniff test at all. This has fucking molestationville written all over.
Starting point is 00:54:39 I don't see a cup of cider soon. I'm getting that. I'm going to get fucking. And this guy, they did like an. Ikebod crane type deal where he was. The headless horseman? Driving? It's a danger.
Starting point is 00:54:55 No, he was like, we went to someone. He was on a ridge. A guy on a horse. Headless. And I went, yeah, that's it for me. Turn the lights on. Get my, someone get Denise on the line. Call my dad.
Starting point is 00:55:12 That's a wrap. That's a wrap on. Get Perino. Somebody grabbed my umbrella, please. I'm leaving. Dude. Wait, was he in the distance? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:23 Fuck you. I don't, I still don't know how they got the sky to play ball because it was like, it was this silhouette of him. Oh, my. And he rode up and stopped and did that, John. Brought the horse up? That's a good steed right there. I was impressed.
Starting point is 00:55:38 I'll give you that. But I said, get the fuck up out of here. Try to have a teenager on a dog. I wouldn't have a horse in this neighborhood. Don't you be pissing all over this. I can't cleaning up that shit in the morning. Just had the goddamn bed's redone. You can't hold that mulch?
Starting point is 00:56:00 Fuck that. I got to ask somebody where the fuck they took us. I've told this a million times. Thanks. I don't have any money. I'm a broke man. Boss cobs in Wilkesbury would have the, they'd send a fake witch.
Starting point is 00:56:20 across the street from one building to the other. Like on a rope or a zip line type of thing. Yeah, man. Yeah. Fucked me up. I don't. A horse. That's, you can't do that to kids.
Starting point is 00:56:31 Wait, your parents weren't with you? They just put you on a truck. I don't think Denise. I think we got on with my neighbor. I don't think Denise. She was probably working or something. I don't know. It was Harold no horse.
Starting point is 00:56:44 Picking up side work. Hey, my gosh. He stinks. How could you? How could you? He's a big, how could you? Oh, how could you? Hey, now.
Starting point is 00:56:59 Denise will hit you with an oh, no, no, fancy. What if it's mouth? I have no. Ooh, I don't do that. Oh, no. Is she like blue cheese? What do you think? I mean, maybe.
Starting point is 00:57:17 on like a hot wing or something like that. No. Maybe. Maybe like a maybe. Maybe. Yeah. She's not a... What's her favorite condiment?
Starting point is 00:57:31 Do you know of the... Water. I don't know. Ketchup. I don't think she's a big ketchup guy. Get her on the phone! She ain't doing nothing. I'd call her up.
Starting point is 00:57:42 I didn't say that in a derogatory way. I don't know. I mean, I mean, call my mom asking what her condiment. A favorite condiment. Yeah. Mr. Company over here. What? Getting sure running on the phone.
Starting point is 00:57:55 You're really in the C-sweet. You're not calling her? You want me to call her? What the fuck? All right. I'll call her. Hit me up. Yes, Cardo.
Starting point is 00:58:04 I need a guarantee. I bet she would. No, she wouldn't. What are you talking about? I know what I'm talking about. I'm a safe bet. I'm on the rise. I'm killing it.
Starting point is 00:58:17 I know you're about saying I'm on the rocks. I'd be Shannon What had a doctor's appointment today Let me call you right back I'm out of Mary Bullitt Hello Hello One of the kids answers
Starting point is 00:58:43 She's at my sister's house Probably talking shit on me Sounds like a Shannon Sharp situation Jesus Christ Now that was my sister Called your sister No she's at my sisters And one of the kids probably has her phone
Starting point is 00:59:04 You just scared the shit out of that kid Hello Hello See? Now you're scared. You're the headless horseman. Yeah, right? It's a big-headed horseman.
Starting point is 00:59:14 Whoa. Egg-headed horseman. Oval-headed horseman. You have an oval head. We talked about the couple weeks ago. Oval. Okay. What's next?
Starting point is 00:59:23 Jesus Christ. Correct the whip. This guy pivots real quick. This one's from Tom. Do you currently own a scrub daddy? That's a great one. They're classy. I mean.
Starting point is 00:59:34 That's one of the greatest inventions of all time. We have two of them. I like him in the shower, I swear to God. Yeah. They really exfoliate. Just the name's trashy. I like that guy, but he's a, he's a dork. What's his deal?
Starting point is 00:59:47 From Philly. That's Shark Tank, right? Yeah, from Philly Company. Huh. Shout out to him. Go birds. Yeah, it's just like anything with Daddy on it can't be clad, you know, is like, what?
Starting point is 01:00:01 No, no. Name something. I mean, that's my take. Daddy Yankee? I mean, hitmaker, but... Daddy Warbucks. Whoa. But that was poor people calling him Daddy Warbucks.
Starting point is 01:00:17 Right? Oh, Daddy Warbucks. Now it's who you fucking... And now it's who you fucking Daddy Warbuck? Oh, Daddy Warbuck. Was the guy's name Warbucks? I believe so. But to me, that's even...
Starting point is 01:00:29 That whole perspective is through a poor person's lens. Well, Warbucks. Did he make his living... Did he make money off the war? Oliver Warbucks. Oliver Warbucks. How's it spelled? W-A-R-B-U-C-K-S?
Starting point is 01:00:42 Yeah. Wow. That was a slight that the military industrial complex, I believe. Daddy Warbucks over here. Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I mean, that's an insult now. Fucking Daddy Warbucks over here. That's someone's going, you're not better to me.
Starting point is 01:00:57 Uh-uh. He produced munitions and manufactured weapons during World War I. Holy shit. And his last name was Warbucks? Oliver Daddy Warbucks. That seems like a coincidence. I don't think so. He was named before he became a munitions manufacturer.
Starting point is 01:01:15 The character, right? He's a fictional character. I'm aware of that, but still, who the fuck was buying that? What? What do you not get? It's a whole C-suite thing. It should have been like McMillan or somebody like that. It would have been some Irish yak that worked his way through Tammany Hall.
Starting point is 01:01:31 He did. He had humble beginnings. He started out working as a foreman in a rolling mill and later owned a small machine shop. Huh. And then started making, making, uh, bombs to kill the Jerry's World War I. What did Mommy? A little mustard look like.
Starting point is 01:01:45 She was out of the pick. All right. All right. Let's see here. This one's great. This one's from R.U. Bessora. A $10 homie, long time listener. Is it trash if you have the most basic, basic insurance on a 2001 Sienna and you get
Starting point is 01:02:01 into a car crash on a wet road knowing you're at fault for not paying attention. Yet you tell everybody you just got sideswaped by some random dumb girl who was waiting and you're waiting on a settlement to fix up your car. Always. Love the lie. Always. Somebody wasn't paying attention. They were texting.
Starting point is 01:02:17 Bap, ba, ba, ba, ba, bah, bah. Not my fault. Keep it moving. You don't have liability. The best thing it can happen to you is a hit and run. That's the best it's going to get. Somebody hits you and takes off. Or if you hit somebody.
Starting point is 01:02:29 Then you're covered, right? Yeah. Yeah. Or, you know, you accidentally bump into somebody and you don't realize it. Then you take off. Throw your. plates burn the car I didn't say anything about that
Starting point is 01:02:46 but yeah that somebody somebody hit me in a parking lot that was always if I lived at home and owned and had a car like if I lived at my this goes back to take the house I couldn't have the cheapest insurance oh no yeah you gotta have liability and I was never on there I had to have my own
Starting point is 01:03:02 I had to get my own thing I remember so fucking expensive it was like what the fuck was wrong with them they were like no because I'll take the house so I had to have my own personal policy. They made me carry a huge fucking thing the liability. I wanted to go to the general.
Starting point is 01:03:18 They keep illegal for less. You know what I mean? Sure. And I kept going, why can't I just do that? Like, I don't have, it was like $180 a month or something. It was like expensive.
Starting point is 01:03:28 And everybody else was on their parents' plan being like, oh, mine's like $71. And I had, I'm working at Acme. I got to come up with a, I'm working at Acme part time. I got to come up with $180 bucks a month. I was like, I was making probably $100 a, a,
Starting point is 01:03:42 Meanwhile, you're the deli man's right-hand man. Slicing it razor thin. I'm the number two in card. Yeah. Pulling. Whoa. Damn, bugman on the fritz. Hey.
Starting point is 01:03:54 That's insuring. No bug man. Doesn't exist anymore. This one's from all the toast, $10 glugmeister. How often are you drinking straight from a two-liter? I don't like it. I did it a few days ago out of a DC two-liter. I don't like it.
Starting point is 01:04:13 It doesn't, when it's too full, you don't get a good angle and weight ratio. It's not a comfortable drink. And usually by the time it gets too low, it's flat. I'm not about it. I'll do it. I've done it. Not my go-to. Henry?
Starting point is 01:04:36 Sir? It is my absolute favorite thing. And everything you just described. flat soda or going flat about a quarter half and two liter left in the fridge you know my theory
Starting point is 01:04:55 you know my theory please don't tell me what's my theory Luke it's already been discussed what is it check to check every other episode we've ever done it's logged into public knowledge everybody knows it
Starting point is 01:05:09 what if somebody's new to the program they're not it's a family episode Can I just say it anyway? Uh-uh. Insurer rent. Can I say it without you chiming in? Go ahead. Don't fuck this up.
Starting point is 01:05:26 What? Don't. So I got a Burger King take that you told me I can't do. I figured out what it is. So go ahead. Then say it. What? Say my theory.
Starting point is 01:05:38 The drinks get colder when there's, when they're already, a portion of them is already drank. put them back in the fridge. Yes. And when you get a fucking Pepsi that's a little flat in the middle of the night when you're dying a thirst, you grab that 2-liter and you feel like the Hulk drinking it. So good.
Starting point is 01:05:56 Now, not my cup of tea. It's trashy. You have to be so secure when drinking it, too. I do think, like, it's like it's the plastic. If you do it one hand, if you do it one hand, it's spills over you. Yeah, no, it's, yeah, it's not. It's a slob boot. Little orphan,
Starting point is 01:06:13 fucking pom it I didn't want to be rude you pom it's a slob move you one hand that's a great line it's a slob move it's rude daddy's daddy slob bucks over here alright we gotta wrap it on
Starting point is 01:06:27 daddy slob bucks gang brand new special American garbage premieres on YouTube September 13th if you don't subscribe to the YouTube page do us a favor go over there and subscribe it's gonna be a big hit we want everybody to enjoy it we love you so much and we'll see you three days
Starting point is 01:06:42 peace Thank you.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.