Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Geoffrey Asmus!

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast presents stand up comedian and podcast host Geoffrey Asmus! You know Asmus from stand up comedy, You're an Idiot, Soder Podcast, Stavvy's World, Stuff Island, Bein' Ian, and so much more! Make sure to check out his special "The Only Funny White Man" Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! Are You Garbage Cruise Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/AYGCruise Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Promo Code: AYG Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hachi machi Redback, New Jersey. The boys are coming out to the Count Basie Theater August 17th, one of the biggest shows we have ever done. So grab the squad and come on out for a little AYG live. And that ain't it. In September, we're doing the Route 66 tour. We're starting in Chicago, hitting St. Louis, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Flagstaff, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada and Los Angeles. We got a bus. We're going a whole way.

10 shows in 12 days, we're filming the whole thing. Get your tickets, we'll see you there. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is R.U. Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash.

I'm your host H. Fo fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here with tooties in the new edition. She's upstairs getting dinner ready Okay, gonna be hamburger helper tonight. Everybody's excited. All right, except for kippy. My coast is coming at you right next to me Laying off the carbs this week. I say he is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and he's the king of the boardwalk, baby. Give it up for the chicken parm hero, KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in.

As always, make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are... Charu Roof! ...cooking, baby. Cooking. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage. You go over there, you get, I don't know't know three four bajillion hours worth of bonus content a lot

It's all right gang check it out And how about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinary the old magic man makes us all look good Works the ones the twos the threes and the fours he crosses the T's and he dots his eyes give it up for T bone Mcscruffins, Toby McMullen everybody what up boys what up T bone? I'm stoked. We got the homey in dude Started out from Jump Street with this guy. Many a beer and a shot deal and he was like our Christopher Columbus from Chicago pioneer got out here Midwestern kid makes good What's that to love? Legging up in Canada with this guy.

Gang the long hair ain't lying cuz we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for The first time he's a very funny stand-up comedian and podcaster. You can hear him every week on his amazing podcast You're an idiot and he has an absolutely fantastic special over there on his YouTube page the only funny white man Give it up for Jeffrey Not much I'm just marveling at you guys's slick machine Me not much. I'm just marveling at you guys a slick machine It sounds like it all the riffs and worse good thrift store t-shirt in here I like it You know what? I got this in the mail the other day. I can tell it still has the factory

Never worn this before. It's the debut debut for the pod. Come on. Damn. I got a YG coming up. I'm gonna get something I'm a sweater guy, and I can't wear them in the summer like three t-shirts So this is I'm just I'm dying how far will you push that into the spring of this sweater? I only stopped wearing them like a month ago. I'm right there with you with casual jackets I can't wear I don't like t-shirts on stage I'm right skinny I am they're like we could beat this motherfucker up not listen to this nerd I'm running your mouth exactly my act doesn't work if they know I could they're like we could beat this motherfucker up. Not listen to this nerd. Keep running your mouth. Exactly, my act doesn't work if they know I could they could split me in half.

I love how you think of sweaters turning that around for you. They think I'm bulk they think I'm bulking up yeah you wear a tight sweater. He's got three sweaters on. Don't let this cotton knit fool you. I bench 110 come on come on. Give us the origin story give us the backstory where you from what do you do? Wisconsin kid I believe. Come on, come on. Give us the origin story. Give us the backstory. Where are you from? What do you do? Wisconsin kid, I believe.

Twin Cities, Minnesota. Went to college in Wisconsin. Woodbury, Minnesota. Suburb of the Twin Cities. Okay. Beautiful little Applebee's town. It's like a sub, it's just a, what are you, a Stepford Wives suburb, if we're being real.

Everything's, there's not a single independent business. It's one of those like made up towns. It's made up towns. Where they were like, let's put homes and national chains here. It's a mall that people live in. Sure. That's what it is.

I don't think there's any independent places. My dad has the same, or had the same job as Homer Simpson. Exact same job. He went to a nuclear power plant? He was the safety guy at a nuclear power plant in Minnesota. Legitimately the exact same job. Did he go to school for that?

He did. He is a smart guy, but I don't think it took much intelligence really. What was his... Wait, you grew up next to a nuclear power plant? It was like 30 minutes away, yeah. Because of my dad, I'm pro-nuclear power. We gotta bring it back. Come on. Was it that bad? I don't really know. It was a three mile island. One guy got an extra arm. Come on. It's not that big of a deal. Some people view that as a plus. Yeah. Hey, you want to make a three eyed fish,

you're going to break a couple of legs. You know what I mean? The Simpsons, they had the three eyed fish. That's true. That's Blinky. Yep. Yep. Holy shit. What did he go to school? What was his? I think he was a chemical engineer at the University of Minnesota where I was supposed to go, but then I rebelled and went to the University of Wisconsin

They still talk to you. They stay do now Renegade and crazy fucking crazy went to another Big Ten school Sorry out there with them city slickers in Wisconsin and what's your mom do? My mom was a special ed nurse? Okay. Yeah. Yeah I mean they all acted like they were in grade school, but they were. It was, I think it was like, I actually don't know how old they were. I literally couldn't. Was it in your school district?

It was in the same school district, not in the same school, same school district. Never as you as you were growing up. You never you never were in the same building. No, I went to take your child to work day a couple of times. It was just like her sticking G tubes in kids. Brothers and sisters? One younger sister who I just officiated her wedding last weekend, actually. Side job.

All right. Side job. Those are the best gigs because they're- Would you get paid for it? No, I wish. I kept saying I didn't. The catering's fantastic. Put a little crowd work up front.

I thanked my agent on stage. I said, thank you for booking me Lahayam on stage. But those are great because they don't expect you to be funny Those are the best when you get a couple of laughs in and you know, yeah for sure Like when you are a priest as a kid, he would say like when Jesus came back That's like scoring a touchdown and the crowd went fucking nuts. I used to love a funny priest man. Oh my god Homily that was that was the first I was raised Catholic That was the first stand-up sets I ever saw.

If you get a guy up there hitting a couple of Novena jokes, not bad. They're churning out time too. They're doing a new 20 every week. That's some of the most prolific. It's seven o'clock show, nine o'clock show. Hate Leno all you want, but he's got new material. You go to all three, you see how he hones it

by the 11 o'clock mass. Oh my God, the references are in. He's got the notebook out at five o'clock on Saturday. Virgin Mary didn't hit, okay. Galatians this time. We'll lose that. You were Catholic, yeah, I went to Catholic school, actually. All the way through?

Fifth grade through senior year of high school, yeah. Where were you before that? I was at public school. There wasn't a Catholic school. We were actually, we helped fund the local Catholic school. And then, like, everyone, it was like a crowdfunding in the end. Yeah, no kid Yeah, they like started in like a gym basement of a secular school, and then they built their own fucking Catholic propaganda machine

Catholic schools fun are you Catholic though or no? I mean, I don't know Yeah, for sure for sure yeah, I think it has its merits sure new Pope's not bad He's got somebody just ahead just had all those kids rockin the Vatican. That's not bad I'm into it Catholic school at the uniforms rock too. Yeah, they were all right You couldn't get bullied was if you couldn't if I would have chosen what I wore in sixth grade They would have beat the fucking shit out of me. I feel like yeah I feel like you would have wore the same thing I would have worn a long Def Leppard t-shirt every day. I was the kid who loved 80s hair metal How old of a guy are you? I'm only 34 and it makes no sense

But I would love Def Leppard poison Cinderella great white that was my shit in high school and middle school Great white great white that's a that's a that's a B side great white Oh, I mean they had the largest concert fire in world history great white That's why I like them 200 dead Rhode Island never forget They changed the laws for them It was like pyrotechnics lit the asbestos on fire something actually really brutally sad you think that would have been already a rule You know pyrotechnics had a pizza place. It was fucking 80s dude. It was wide open Whatever you know it wasn't it was

They weren't even famous anymore. They were like a Nobody playing at like a 200 person club in Providence and Billy if we had pyro Texans get the lantern It's like if the grizzly pair on the way down we'll do that Toby's gonna be our pyro guy the Dayton funny bone YG's back on the road How your sister did she go to the same school as you was it girls and boys it was girl recent in the 90s I think they made it girls and boys, but yeah, we both went to the same high school and middle and middle school Yes, okay, and she is now a physical therapist

out in central Washington state. She's kind of a hippie, she's a hiker, she lives in the middle of nowhere. Are your folks still living at the same house that you grew up in? Since I was like six years old, same house. There was a house for that, but I really don't remember it. Sure.

It was another suburb, I think. And did you live in a street an Avenue a Pike Court? Boston Road Boston Road it was a dead end though There's only two two houses on it and there was a sign that said road construction coming soon for 20 years And they've never made it longer now when you say dead end not that's a not a cul-de-sac not a cul-de-sac Just a dead end so I make a left down your street You make you make a right down the street, and then there's two houses, and it just ends.

On both sides. Two houses on the right, one on the other side. So three, I guess, yeah. And then what was at the end? Was it the guardrail? It was literally just the street just ended. It was like they just ran out of tar. It was just like, they're like, oh, budget cuts.

Couldn't make it. Is there a field back there? There was a cornfield there. It actually just recently got Is there a field back there? Was a cornfield there. It actually just recently got turned into a development, but it was a cornfield as a kid. We would play in the gravel pit. Did they connect it? Or you're still the debt? You're still the debt. And they never they never connected to the new neighborhood. They went and roundabout way. I don't know why.

Actually, yeah, because they want to they want to screw you and your property value. They don't want to go. Well, it's because my dad was like, we're not paying to get a fucking sewer put in cuz like about dying on a hill Oh my cuz we had a well house is fine. We had a well or whatever and he's wells better We don't want you had well water and well water. Yeah, find out well is better We it's naturally purified by like the limestone or so it is unless a raccoon or something And there was a thing in Woodbury where like some chemical plant exploded and all the town's water supply had like Some chemical in the water and we were like we're good because of the well water

I told you there was like ash raining down on our house for like a month the whole house like covered in ash I don't remember why something exploded We got a bunch of money because you could like wipe ash off the side of the house for like a month You got a little payout. Yeah, we got a little payout my family are we're litigious folk really We're lit they've sued of like three or four people in one yeah about way without getting into detail Right sure I mean there is I'm sure there's some sort of gag order Make sure somebody walks him out. I don't know you know a wild story I don't think I've told this on a podcast very often. Okay. I was I think I didn't find this out

I was 18. I was a year old. I was with my babysitter I was sitting in the the back seat in a car seat She stops at a gas station goes inside to get something Somehow she put me in the car seat wrong and I fell out and I was hung on the seat belt I was like hanging on there and I like they had to airlift me to a child tosser I like died I heart and brain stopped for like eight to ten minutes, and then they sued the shit out of this poor babysitter She had nothing I bet she's living in a gutter right now But I'm gonna say the car manufacturer the seat pump company they went after crystal. I don't know her name

Money I gotta go to college for free basically yeah, which was amazing. Yeah, I lived at large in college It was crazy, but I'll probably die ten years younger because he's at a party He's at a party talking to girls. Yeah, it's dead for eight to ten minutes. Yeah, I'll buy your jello shots, babe Yeah, the red solo talking to girls. Yeah, he's dead for eight to 10 minutes. Yeah, I'll buy your jello shots, babe. Yeah, the red solo cup's on me. Holy shit. I assume she never babysit you. Yeah, I don't know, actually. Probably not.

Maybe to pay off the bills, you're like, you just for free for five years, we'll cut it down. She's an indentured servant. I assume the relationship's sour in every judgment. Fuck. I'm sure she doesn't like, she downvotes my clips online, I bet. Who else did they sue?

They sued the person they sued the pure person They bought the house from lied about like the roof leaking that was actually the only legitimate one in my mind It was like leaking crazily So they got a lot of money and they sued this chemical company for like the soot Those the ash that was raining down in our house that makes there's one more. I can't remember right now That's the American legal system. Take advantage of it. Come on, this is the life. He's like that dude in the suit with the question marks.

Yeah. It's free money. Lionel Hutz was our lawyer. It's amazing. Come on, you guys never sued someone? It's a thrill. No. We were anti-

Not the goddamn babysitter. The babysitter was wrong. That's crazy. Looking back, that was wrong. I mean, hey. You won the case. We won the case and the lady can never go on a vacation Yeah, she's never owned a car. She's not to be around children to I've ridden the bus the rest of her life What was the grocery store growing up grocery store was? Rainbow foods rainbow foods or buyer buyer a cover rainbow cover rainbow, okay?

I think they're gone now they're now called roundies roundy and those are the type of people that shop there it was a pretty average grocery store Tiggly Wiggly is the one in Wisconsin of course okay far away yeah okay what was your diet like growing up are you a picky eater ah yes am. Yeah my probably with the lobby What makes you say that his favorite food is chips Did you know that oxygen? Yeah, we were watching the Super Bowl you were like you're like anybody I was like, what's your food?

You're like, I think chips I like and then you're like well and your girlfriend turned and was like it's chips And then he sued you for Good kettle barbecue chip is unbeatable Whatever they're solid you dip them into a little French onion dip. Oh my god. I could have an entire gallon of that stuff It's amazing kettle cooked should be the standard. Yeah, I don't know why we even go with the garbage the yeah the ruffles disgusting Ruffles cheddar I have to disagree with you on there They're all right, but a crunch to it anything that doesn't have like a good crunch. It's gotta have a good crunch We are to answer your question toby our snack the the the creme de la creme for the office family was

Barbecue chips and tuna you dip it in family You mix tuna with mayonnaise and like a little pepper and you just dip it in that's prepper that was our big that is yeah cuz you tuna never goes bad when would you break that out that was like a summertime treat at the cabin you're sitting on the dock you're eating chips and tuna in the 90 degree weather something going to amazing. A lot of mercury. I love that. I love tuna, but tuna outside, I get that weird flavor in my mouth. I mean, it gets a little gross. You have to eat it quick. That's why you eat it on a chip.

That barbecue sauce does the heavy lifting. See, now that is something I thought was normal till I went to college. I thought everyone mixed mayo and tuna with a little lemon pepper. I thought that's what it is. No, that's how you make tuna. I'm a big tuna fish guy. Sure. But you never dipped a chip in it? No, of course, yeah.

I have. I've put chips on a tuna fish sandwich. I don't know. There's something weird about it with your family doing it. I can't really figure out why. And it was in like a big crock pot. You're eating it out of there. A crock pot?

Not like a crock pot looking like a big plastic bowl. How many cans of tuna are we talking? Mixing bowl. A big mixing bowl. You'd probably put like four or five. That was a lot of tuna. That's too much Foria the FDA agrees that was too much Going to give me cancer one

They sued my parents that's retuna for life gross neck. What was he's mentioned a cabin. What was the vacations like? No, so my grandparents have like a literal log cabin in northern, Minnesota Probably like two hours north of the Twin Cities Okay, it has like one bedroom a small kitchen. No phone. No internet. No way see no way see no I see yeah But it's like in this wooded area and we have our own beach because like it used to be a resort or something So they had a beach there, but it's no longer a resort It's just like a little 50 foot stretch of sand. That's pretty good.

It's actually amazing. It's an amazing place. Oh yeah, we had a boat and a canoe. It was awesome. Yeah. Kip, thank God for Bluechew, baby. Knock, knock. Boner alert.

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We thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast. Yes, we do. Okay, let's talk about butcher box, baby Who don't love that butcher? Everybody loves butcher box. You want to know why why that grass-fed grass finish? We're talking wild-caught. We're talking free range top quality pork delivered right to your door You throw it in the freezer when you're ready to use it It's there. It's not just pork, baby. They got chicken or seafood. They got it all ground beef. How you doing? They send us stuff It's absolutely fantastic. You can't trust a shit you get in the grocery store. Do yourself a favor get over to butcher box We use it. We love it. Yeah, my wife makes a mean to meet the ball Yeah, she does. German meatballs, how you doing? It's fantastic.

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by going to butcherbox.com slash AYG. Use code AYG at checkout and enjoy your choice of bone-in chicken thighs, top sirloins, or salmon in every box for an entire year. Plus you get 20 bucks off. I'm gonna retell that. There you go. Use AYG at checkout and enjoy your choice

of bone-in chicken thighs, top sirloins, or salmon in every box for an entire year, plus 20 bucks off. Again, that's ButcherBox.com slash A a yg use the code a yg do it Was there extended family around you? No, just my grandparents would come up sometimes that's it That was it your mom and dad had no brothers or sisters in the area I had a brother who would come every five years. That's it really never came up

I don't know why so you didn't grow up with any cousins. It was you and your sister We had cousins. We hung out with them on like holidays really. Gotcha. They all lived in like Western. Our family lived in the suburbs. The 80% of the restaurant live in the farm country, Western Minnesota. Okay. My mom and all my grandparents were farmers. Really? They all grew up in the West. Even the ones that had the cabin? They were farmers until they were like 30 years

old. What kind of farms they were like farming, beets, farming, corn farming, more farm animals. They were also well drillers of the Schaeffer family. Well drilling empire in western Minnesota. Really? Is that true? Your mom's side of the thing? I think I think they still have a Joel Schaeffer Schaeffer drilling. Yeah, I think. Look at look at this up to. I think it should be in St.

Peter, Minnesota. They they used to run that town so you have a little oil money No, no like wells like for water like if you need a water on your farm In Minnesota yeah, you thought there are those farms with the Derrick's on them going up and down pump it a little money out That would be better now before do yeah We'd have internet at the cabin if they did that. Yeah. Yeah.

They are a lot of and then there was a we had to go like chicken slaughters. They would invite us to the yearly chicken slaughter at the farm. Oh, they kill them. They chop up. They would chop them off with an axe. You'd watch it happen. They invited people over. They would.

It'd be like a little party like everyone's running around. As a kid, you're doing this. I only went once or twice when I was really young, but yeah, and then they'd eat it eventually They sure plucked the fat deep feather it and eat it for dinner. Would you take a chicken home with you? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, we're all yeah, they would give us meat and all the way out there No, we're getting a fucking chicken Roto yeah Yeah, little rotisserie was there a was there another freezer in your house growing up a deep freezer That's Wisconsin not Minnesota most serial killers per capita Wisconsin, but that's true that is I read that somewhere went down after he left

Gene they're from Wisconsin. Yeah. That's two. You're naming them like baseball players. And that's Willie Mays right there. That's a good guy. You are. We did have a meat freezer in the basement. Yep. Did your dad hunt or anything like that?

No hunting. He wasn't an outdoors guy. We were outdoors, but not like that. We were like hiking, camping stuff. Sure. A lot of our vacations were camping. When was the first time you were on a plane? Oh, like you ever do Disney or flight to see relatives

You know we did a we did timeshare vacations in Florida my mom and my mom welcome to the show kid We probably did like five of them too many for Fort Myers And they would always you have you been on them before? You have to like, I don't really know how you sign up for them, but you gotta go to these presentations. You sign up, they'll give you the free weekend, but you just have to sit through a high pressure sales pitch. And my mom would always almost buy a timeshare.

She was very gullible, very, you could persuade her to do anything. She said, well, when you put it like that, yeah, it makes sense. Oh wow, we can own a property for a week for the price of a year? Oh, that's a good deal. My dad would get in a huge fight every day. We're not buying a timeshare on Sanibel Island, Joan. It's a nice island now.

It's a nice island. Very nice island. It is a very nice island, but that was where a lot of our vacations. Is there a beach in Fort Myers? There was a beach, yeah. It was pretty trashy looking back. The only way that I know Fort Myers is I had one buddy who that's where they went every summer And we'd all be like you're like yeah, we're going to Florida. Are you going to Disneyland? You're going to Disney World whatever now We're going to Fort Myers or my fuck is you look but I think it's like by Naples It's like the oldest part of the country everyone's 70 plus two ages. It's it's it's really not fun

We went to Disney World once or twice though too. There you go. Was there a little bit of cash in the house? I mean they had a nice white collar job. I think they did okay. I remember- Your dad I would assume was doing alright. I think my dad did pretty well, yeah.

I think he lost a lot of money in 2008. I think he got cooked by that. I remember times were a little tight for a couple years. He was big into Enron. Yeah, yeah. I think he might have had one for a couple years. He was big in that in run. Yeah. I think he might have had one of those subprime mortgages maybe or something. I think that could have been it.

What were the cars like growing up? Cars. We had a Toyota Camry hatchback. OK. You could have they had a back seat, but the seat was turned backwards. Facing outside. That was fun.

That was big. Sure. Incredibly dangerous. Very. If you got rear-ended even like not that bad you could get a break a leg That's probably why they bought it looking for us. We thought it was He was stopping short all over town Dad why are we sitting on the train tracks?

Your tuna we loved we would always scream when the cars were coming in trying to stop that was a great time We would always bring it we had a drive-in movie theater. That was a big thing. Okay have those as kids Yeah, we have we loved we had to the drive-in all the time every summer turn. I'm 14 years older than you though Younger than me you're what 34 34 There it's one of the last like dozen in America sounds like he grew up in the 50s We had two in twin cities. So we were driving this dude a Baker There were rival ones you'd see which one would have the better showings and stuff But that was so fun they're all movies that are like 20 years old no they would have new ones

I'm here. I saw white chicks that I drive in I Didn't really quite three years ago That's new, right? These Wayans brothers. You guys are good. You got a big future out of them. Was there AC in the house, I assume? AC in the house, yeah. Never got to... I mean, Minnesota, there's only... It was only going to be like a month where it was really hot. Window units or central air?

Central air. What was your prime source of heat? Was it electric? It was, yeah, electric, yeah. Fireplace? We had a fireplace. We didn't use it all that often, but we had a fireplace. Okay. Yes, yes. We, when I was in college, they got a hot tub too.

Whoa, a standalone hot tub? Yeah, after me and my sister left the coop, my parents got a hot tub. Yeah, or they started swinging. Yeah, they could finally, yeah. And a couple new neighborhood friends. Upside down pineapple, I think they did. Yeah, right, oh God. I started swinging And a couple new neighborhood Yeah, right Oh God what wait where was the hot tub the hot tub was in the backyard and so yeah right in their bedroom in the

Shout out to the romance Cove or whatever you got a heart-shaped hot tub for a gig one. No is in a no no That's in the hotel room. I did a one-nighter in the Poconos But it was I mean that wasn't my payment You get an hour in the hot tub. That's it. Where are you working? Were tough before the show it gotta watch the dryer unit Okay, so it was by itself stand. Oh, that's a tough Our neighbors had a pool they never invited us over Chips in the pool. I didn't wear deodorant a lot, you know, hold on. Sorry

How close of a neighbor are we talking right next door early 50 feet away? I don't know why they we were friends when we until we were like eight and then I don't know what have we never Really were friends was there a fence they no fence no fence They didn't ever invited us over that's some beef with the parents 30, but they're friends now. I don't know what happened Yeah, what but they weren't for a while. I don't know. Yes, I got that hot tub. They started swinging They might have been like yeah come over Well, let you finger your wife Use the pool. I mean that's a dick move and there was kids that were your age There was a kid my maybe a year older and then a girl like three years old

I mean, did you play with those kids did until we were like eight or nine and then I think we went to different schools. We went to different schools. They didn't go maybe it's cuz they didn't go private school They didn't go religious school. They're like summer. Don touch those heathen scum sure you got a Catholic so we gotta stick together But in the summer not summer day. Hey if you want to come over the cab We would hear the kids playing and we just were like, okay, I guess we'll run in the sprinkler. Oh Yeah Brutal that was brutal looking back fuck the Fuck you now they're good people. They just made a terrible mistake and they'll pay

And then our other neighbor was the guy who all he does is lawn work That's the only time I've ever he's he's like 75 and still mowing his lawn every day go chopping wood He's got a little sharp out there. He chopping wood. He's got some pride. He looks sharp out there. He looks good. How's your yard? How was your yard growing up? My parents are very into yard work. A lot of dirt.

Well, big garden, huge garden. Really? We had like two acres. It was like kind of a big suburban yard. Gotcha. All the carrots are giant from the power plant. Yeah. Hey, it's good eating.

It's good eating. Feed the whole family with that carrot. Yeah, come on, come on. My mom was really into gardening. She had a beautiful flower garden and she did a's good eating. It's good eating. Feed the whole family with that carrot. Yeah, come on. My mom was really into gardening. She had a beautiful flower garden, and she did a really good job. She used us as slaves to work in it. Sure.

Who would cut the grass growing up, you? I would for $20. I would get $20 to do it. That's not bad, Payne. Not bad. Two acres though. And you had the ride lawnmower. That was fun.

Well, you had to do the ride, then you had to do the push, then you had to weed-wax. Sure. You had to do all three took probably like three hours small mower push mower in the front for the front yard push push more for like around like the rock landscaping and stuff I got you had a weed whacker on the play area had a play area that collapsed on me when we were like a jungle gym like a rug a wooden one you put together from Home Depot and it fell on wait hold on one of the nice wooden ones that have like red, blue and yellow on top?

Like a little... Oh, yeah, I think so. Those were expensive. One swing too. But my dad must have put it together wrong because it literally collapsed on me and I was like trapped under it. You sued him? Yeah.

I'll wait till I'm 18 then I've got you, Dad. Holy shit. All right. And any pets growing up? Pets, it with this might you know it actually our pets But a couple of them at tragic ends I don't say we had a bird named smiley bird a cockatiel all he would say was wake up Tom That's my dad's name my uncle taught him was a loose bird or no. He was in a cage. He was in a cage Where was he kept he was in like bird or no cage. He was in a cage. Where was he kept?

He was in like this little metal cage and occasionally well, unfortunately We put the cage in the yard one day cuz he liked to be outside somehow. How'd you know that? He well, he just a super like I've met a bird before I've seen a bird the prisoners like to go in the yard Yeah, where was where was the cage kept normally in the house? Usually in the in the living room it was where was the cage kept normally in the house? Usually in the in the living room. It was next to the window. So he'd get some sunlight So you're sitting there watching TV, but we would always put a towel over it to trick him It was night so he would shut up

Because he would just say wake up Tom all day and he would whistle this song called the blue Danube It's like this old song. I can't remember the melody but if you if you've played it No, it's no it's like an old song. I can't remember the melody, but if you if you've played it, everyone would know it. That song. No, it's no, it's like an old like Walt song. It's like an old I can't remember the melody. Now it's serial killer bird living in my aunt and uncle taught him those things when they took care of the bird is like a prank. And then he never learned anything else for like a decade. You just say, wake up, Tom.

Over and over again, we all hated the bird. I know. I know why you didn't get invited to swim. Yeah, right? Between the tuna, the bird. The bird was bad. But the saddest thing about the bird, we left him in the yard one day and there was like a neighbor, a wild cat or something

knocked the cage over, the door swung open, cat ate the bird. Jeez. It was just a bunch of feathers and blood in our front yard. How big of a, what kind of bird was it again? It was a cockatiel. It was like that big. Okay. Big as like a bogey. Not like a toucan. Noatiel. It was like it was like that big. Like a to can.

No, no, he couldn't handle himself. No, he couldn't live housebird. He couldn't. Well, he escaped one time and we my mom called the fire department to help get him down. He found a big Jersey out smoking, smoking weed with the other across the Mississippi River. My mom got the fire department involved to get him. It was a boring suburb. That was an exciting day. Where was the bird? He got in like a 50 foot tall tree

and they got the ladder up there. And they were- Just let him go. I agree, I agree. They were shooting him with squirt guns to try to get him down. Cause when the feathers are wet, they can't fly or something.

Still whistling up there. Wake up, Tom. You missed me. I hated Smiley. That was a terrible bird. Alright, so you had the bird? We had a cat named Slippers who got eaten by a coyote. Like the Wild West out there. We had a salamander that walked through a fan and got eviscerated.

It escaped somehow and walked through one of those box fans Chihuahua murder suicide we had a dog that died of natural causes we did yes That's natural it's natural run over by a camera is begging for it Yeah, we had a we had a few too much she knew. She was a beagle. We had her for like 18 years She was a great dog. Okay dog great dog. What was the salamanders name? I don't remember the salamanders day. It's a weird pet to have that was a weird. Would you keep it in like a fish tank? Yeah, yeah, we had oh we had a hermit crabs to they sure They come and go they died because they we put like rocks instead of sand in their cage or whatever and apparently you're not supposed to do that because

They're their pincers got stuck under the rocks. They couldn't walk to the food. They just got like trapped Underneath the rock and over top smoking a cigarette. Good luck. Good luck getting to that chow So a lot of pets died now that I look back yeah, what was in your room in your bed? You guys had your own rooms. I assume we did how many how many bedrooms was in the house total? So Eventually there were so there's why I had one my sister my parents I went eventually there was a guest bedroom after they finished the basement the basement wasn't finished till I was like 15 or 16 and what was down there before just an unfair was just unfinished basement We had a TV and that's where we would have like sleepovers and stuff. I was gonna ask you did have sleepovers? Oh yeah all the

time. You had friends? Oh yeah we had a nerd. Where did you fall in the high school high room? I was a funny nerd. Okay. I was a nerd but it was okay because I was funny. Gotcha. That was what I was like on Quiz Bowl we went to Nationals no big deal. What's Quiz Bowl? I don't know but it sounds corny. It's like you go to do Jeopardy at other high schools It's the biggest losers you I mean if you saw how ugly the kids of my quiz bowl team were is Trash my quiz bowl team. Well, we were good. We're a Joe Vicarro. He's a legend in the quiz bowl Is there with do they have a guy in another school that had a claw arm that we were like, oh the claw he's too good Sure, he's a robot. I couldn't he that was all he had was quiz ball

You had a little buzzer. They say a question you buzz in answer. Oh, so far. Did you guys have a name? We were the well, okay, so we were the hill Murray pioneers and we were the pie O'nears with the math symbol. Yeah, we thought that was so clever pretty good. We got a letter jacket I got a brain on my letter jacket For a quiz bowl. That's fuck the football team knew who to beat that's football team new to be though yeah exactly no he's funny leave him alone Did you have a category that was like your specialty like? What would it question it would be like this kill a salamander this president who signed the corrupt bargain in? 1876 and Rutherford B. Hayes

Something like a lot of like history. I was good at history and like geography This other guy Joe he was honestly a genius. He knew everything. Okay, I looked up to him. So that's who you're He knows everyone opera Wow, that's cool He's a lawyer now or something. He was great. So that was the squad you were rolling with we were yeah Were your friends with any jocks any football players? you get invited any of the cool parties or dance? I didn't dance I didn't I didn't I didn't I'd still don't dancing scares the shit out of me and I didn't drink in high school I thought we thought the kids who drank were losers. Okay, we made fun of them

We're like, oh you guys are you guys are drinking that we were like kind of religious a little bit And we knew a little bit the crew was a little bit influenced by the religion. Yeah a little bit Yeah, we did a little bit. The crew was a little bit. Influenced by the religion. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I mean, to put it in my friends' perspective, there was a guy named Sean, who I still know to this day. He had a snot bubble, eternal snot bubble, in his nose for 10 straight years. He had to get like 12 allergy shots a week.

He couldn't breathe. He's like, Sean, my name's Sean. That is a rough crew. He figured it out in college, but he was it was an unfortunate man And why is George Washington? Yeah, and he would always throw up in class in middle school He was always throwing a lady killer. Oh my god. We were all virgins in high school We had one friend who was vaguely cool who got a blowjob senior and he was a god Whatever you take what you can get.

Hey, a win's a win, baby. The 18-year-old that gets molested by a priest. He's out there looking for it. Hey, you guys do what you want, but that nine o'clock mass is all right. Father Walker doesn't use teeth, I'll tell you that much. Were you an altar boy? I was a few times, probably a dozen times.

Okay. Yeah, not a lot. You ever work any weddings or funerals as an altar boy? No, never did that. What was your first job? My first job? grocery bagger at the at Rainbow food Yeah, how long did you do that? I did it for a summer and then I was uh, how old were you? I was I whatever the legal age was 15 or 16. Who knows? I feel like every bag you touched was wet somehow. I was sweating over it.

I'm like, you want me to carry your groceries out for you? No. No. You fucking freak. I don't want you to know what kind of car I drive. And I had bad acne. I was such a loser. I was a huge loser.

Man, you make Dungeons and Dragons kids look like Brad Pitt. They were the theater kids were cooler than I was. Absolutely. That's a picture. Alright. I did do one cool thing in my other job. Me and my... Jumped in a locker?

I never got physically assaulted. Only verbally abused. Me and my friend Sean, we ran the concession stand for sports games. At the high school? Like basketball, soccer, lacrosse. Why don't you say something? I'm sorry, man. Stand like for sports games like high school like basketball soccer I'm sorry, man guys in the food and beverage business We get the chicks out in the lobby I can make a mean hot dog You know no one put relish on like I did but we stole like thousands of dollars from our school nice

All right now. That was cool. That was cool embezzlement They only paid us $20 for like a four-hour shift It was kind of under the table and that's like slave labor basically we we would take like 60 extra bucks every time That's great. I know if I shouldn't I don't think I should even say this but yeah And we didn't know the other one was stealing until the final game we worked and we like looked at each other like you were Stealing the whole time where he's like, yeah We would always shove 60 bucks in my shoe I was was there any ever suspicion of like I got in my shoe. I'd always put it in my shoe.

Was there any ever suspicion of like? I got caught one time, a lady sent an anonymous email to my mom saying, I saw your son stealing money from the LaCrosse ticket fund or whatever. Fucking rat. And she's like, if he ever does it again, I'm gonna go to the principal. And I kept doing it, but I was a little more sneaky.

How'd you kill her? Oh. Fed her to this alamander. It was the babysitter's mom. She was coming back after all these years. Okay, all right. What was the first concert you went to? First concert?

You know, I think it was either Green Day or U2. It was one of those two. Those are two great ones. American Idiot era. It was like 2000, whatever, six or 2005, I bet. You go solo with your boys or your parents go with you? Parents and a friend, I believe, yes. You know how I saw the most in middle school school high school goo goo dolls. So okay times three

That's a lot for the goo. I like it. I don't are okay. They're okay there that was too much So it's cuz me and my mom could like agree sure you would buy the tickets to a goo goo dolls concert Yeah, that was you go to concert with your with your mom? I went to a few with my mom. In high school? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the kind of guy I went to. I went to Van Halen with some friends, Smashing Pumpkins, Stone Temple Pilots, I think. That's all good. Those are not bad. Matchbox 20 with my mom. There you go. That's your mom. That was a good one. That was a good one.

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That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash ymx. Benefits vary by card, terms apply. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What was the first car? First car that I owned. I don't think I owned it, but that let me use was a... Is that either an ice cream truck or hers

Decommissioned ambulance a Stretched limo. I think it was a Ford Mountaineer or something Okay, murdering mounting mercury money. Yeah, those were nice. I totaled it when I was 16 or 17 I was like kind of law it was back when you had to print off MapQuest directions. So like I was shuffling through the MapQuest directions kind of lost in downtown St. Paul, and I just T-boned a guy. It's actually great.

I was going to a friend's house or something. My other friend was in the passenger seat. It's actually amazing we didn't have traumatic injuries. We like, I mean, no one got hurt somehow, but both cars were totaled. It was really bad. It kind of ruined my life for like two years. It's not good I was in the doghouse for quite some time or obviously obviously, but it was an accident. It was an accident Oh, I wasn't drunk or anything now. My dad would have been like you should have been drunk at least

Yeah, there's no excuse you were sober. Did you start drinking? I drank at the night of my senior prom I had like a fucking episode of saved by the bell I think I think that's the way to go. I feel good. I had a pole of peppermint schnapps Rumble man's right. I'll give you that I had a pole I have pulling like a half shot later, and I was hammered that was good That was good for me, and I went alone to prom I was going to be clear stagged a man stay Well as a group?

No. Give me the details. No, it was me. It was me alone. No one else alone. Got dropped off by yourself? I was just like, I have to go to prom and no one. I respect that though.

I was too shy to ask. There was this one girl I was in love with and we were like best friends. It was this whole friend zone thing and she made a poster board that said soulmates on it of us being friends it was brutal it used to be a big joke in my act but uh it was it's really and she blocked me when she saw I was really because I was bringing

the poster board on stage and she she she blocked me on everything like what she made it and gave it to you yeah yeah yeah it was like a big present like this is why I'll never fuck you cuz she's so good at listening When'd you kill her? Yeah? I would have loved to for a couple years No longer forgiven now. Were you meeting up with friends at the prom? Yes. Okay, and there were that had date They all had dates. Yes. Yes, even even the snot nose kid figured it out They they brought this not nose girls. There were girls on quiz bowl, too And how did you get there did you drive? I drove alone? I believe yeah I remember vividly listening to did your parents take pictures of you at the house by yourself

They're actually almost no pictures of it. No you know pictures. You know what the saddest part is I wore a tuxedo t-shirt I Forgot about that I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. I wore a tuxedo t-shirt I didn't see this. Yeah, they're all we should have gone with osmos. Oh my god would be so good fingering Yeah, it's crazy. And I listened to you remember the band saliva. I mean by your reference I don't remember why but I was I just kept blasting this song by them called your disease beforehand It was I don't know why I but I just kept blasting this song by them called Your Disease beforehand. I don't know why. Surprised they weren't lining up. Yeah.

Brutal. Was it at the school? No, it was at like a cave in the Twin Cities. It was actually a really cool venue. They have like a cave that they used to use during Prohibition, the bootleggers used, and they turned it into like an event venue. Was it a catered affair? I can't remember a prom. Did they serve a event event. Yeah catered affair I can't remember a prom did it serve a meal is catered a meal I know yeah, there is like cold cuts cheese a little yeah a little punch that that that other kids would pour vodka

And I was like punches enough for me. I didn't drink till the party after sugar. Yeah Ma says I won't be able to sleep at night wait man I haven't even said the most embarrassing thing about me as a kid. What? I thought I wet the bed till I was like 15 or 16. That's old. I was a- That was old.

I was an older, I went to bed. When were you? Not that. Nine, 10? Eight maybe? Eight you pussy, come on. Those are rookie numbers. Follow God's plan.

That's, you mentioned sleepovers. Sleepovers were very anxiety inducing for me I would this is so crazy I would have to stay up all night because I knew if I fell asleep in there drinking coffee with the dad Waking up Europe early Early bird gets the worm huh Frank I wouldn't drink pop because I knew I would piss the sleeping bag Yeah, it was so bad. I would live this is so crazy What did I'm assuming there has been though?

I wet the sleeping bag a few times sleepovers That's tough waking up in a puddle of piss being like you guys want to play James Bond night fire You guys want I would get my dad. I'd call my dad You'd be like hey is it cool if I stay over if it was like you know eight o'clock or whatever Yeah, yeah, I would always get make sure you go to bed Yeah, yeah, just make sure you go. I'm like I got it dad The do you remember though wedding the vet? I've never talked someone who remembers way in the bed Do you was always when you were in a dream and you were pissing in a dream really?

I think I was just letting it was just a bodily it was just happening It was probably nerves and anxiety and all of it's like it was emotional. Yeah. Yeah sure I probably was nerves and anxiety and all of it's like it was emotional yeah yeah sure I probably was my wasn't babysitter probably molested me too that's why I got the money but that it was always you were in a dream I was always in a dream in the ocean pissing and then I would wake up and I'll fuck I surrounded by real life yeah sir fuck P on me Jeff was doing some off-the-wall trivia yeah, okay, brutal sad biggest dork in Minnesota Yeah, not good not good. I suck my thumb for a really long time. Oh, maybe 1314 okay Really possibly to stop. I think they found out about custard. I think they put a blow pop

They put my mom they put her finger in chicken poop They would dip it in chicken poop like that's you're not gonna suck your fucking finger anymore. That makes sense doctor. It's a little extreme That's like they're on a farm. There. These are chicken people. Yeah farm people are weird. Yeah, yeah, this is this is it's functional I'm like hey gal. We're not gonna fucking talk to them. We don't have those emotional tools. That's for people who burn witches man Shoot the dog I mean they all shot the dog or cat I mean the farms are crazy crazy man That's why I think I got braces, and it just didn't like fit the right way anymore. Oh really oh you guys were brace kids, too I think I was probably yeah seventh to like ninth grade. Yeah, they did a good job Yeah, I still got the thing in there. Yeah in the back. You're pretty good-looking guy. You know

For a while I made my way when I first you don't say Made my way to a Midwest six, but we for a while. It was bad. You're I dress so poorly I'm not like a fashion icon now, but it was bad. I wore pajama pants in college a lot. That was my, to like class though and parties. Parties? Wearing Simpson's pajama pants at a house party, that's tough.

What was the social life in college like? I went to University of Madison, Wisconsin. So it's a big, it's a big, You went to Wisconsin. I went to UW, yeah, Badgers. It's a big, I mean, it's a big party school. Sure. I mean, I went wild in college. You went drinking wild in college. I was football, school, basketball, I went to all the sports games. I mean we were, I was a blackout drunk three nights a week for five years.

Was the crew a little skew a little cooler? The crew was cooler, yeah. It was like nerdy but we were cool. We figured it out. No sports in high school or I did I played soccer for a long for until like I was 16 and then track and cross-country Track and cross country decent at track. Yeah tracking cross-country in high school in high school Those were all four years little league as a kid. I did little league till I was like eight or nine I played basketball till I was like 14 or 15. Okay, I was actually pretty athletic You didn't hang out with anybody on the cross country team?

No, we did, but cross country kids aren't cool. Have you ever hung out with cross country kids? I mean, compared to your squad. They were, yeah, that was my connection to kids who drank and smoked. They smoked weed, baby. I was like, oh shit. Okay, Jake, okay, yeah, yeah. Cross country is a fun sport. That's a great time.

Okay. It's all individual. It's not team at all. And the grades were good, I assume? I was I was pretty smart yeah I was in a CT's you think I got 32 on the AC pretty good out of that 36 36 and 32 I think it's probably 85th 90th percent yeah anything over 30 I heard good GP yeah I think 3.7 3.8 how many kids did did you graduate with? 200 to 20. All right guys in the top 30 maybe Yeah, yeah any other extra after school extracurricular activities like we're in any like were you in the 4-h club? No, it was math team quiz bowl cross country track. That was that was it. Yep. That was it

That all checks out in college college, I was in this alternative spring break where you don't go to PCB, you go to New Orleans and you paint houses during the day and party at night. That was actually kind of fun. I'll give you that, that you're doing something good for people. Did you get paid for that? No, no, no, no.

It was volunteer. You'd pay like $1,000 for all the lodging and you get to go on a trip for a week and That was actually really fun. Yeah, where did the other kids go? What do you mean? You said PB something? Oh the PCB they would all go to like PC. That's in Florida, right? I never went on the spring break college trip. You said be Panama City Beach. I like Tallahassee. I think I never went on those. That's where all the kids went. It was they're a Myrtle Beach for the gotcha. Okay. All right Okay, I mean

Hell of a stories thus far I didn't know any other job experience in high school except for working the one summer at the grocery store the girl Well with the concession stand I was a soccer referee. That was actually pretty lucrative job You ever know for like I was like 15 or 16 That was actually a pretty lucrative job. You ever know for like, I was like 15 or 16 refereeing like eight, nine, 10 year olds, like parents screaming at you like, that wasn't on a bounce.

Like all the- You virgin. Yeah, I bet you've never fucked, true. That was actually a great job. You got paid like 40 bucks an hour. That was a really good job. That's pretty good. You only got like five or six hours a week,

but that's pretty good. And all the orange slices you could eat. Yeah, if they had a leftover hostess cupcakes or whatever back to we deviated back to the food in the house What was the food in the house like we're eating dinner as a whole family was your mom cooking your dad cooking takeout They would have both cook. They're very good cooks. They made good chicken marsala Chicken marsala every dirt bag. Is that a dirt bag food? My mom. I'll do the chicken Marsala.

I thought it was so good. Yeah, that dirt bag's, I mean it's good. Oh my God. But dirt bags think that's like, you're in Italy. You pour that gravy over the rice? I was, oh my God. Rice? Yeah, you have it with rice.

A little chicken and rice? Oh my God. Meat, meatloaf, tater tot, hot dish is a Minnesota thing. Wait, say meatloaf, tater tot, hot dish is one Minnesota thing meat loaf tater tot hot dish is no You almost turned it around your eyes were bulge Holy fuck does the tater tot hot dish out east to know it's called tater tot hot dish. That's the thing Yeah, it's a layer of tater tots. I'm gonna get eyes on it right now and then below it's like beef and like cream of

some cream of soup and you cook it in like a Baking pan. That's all right. It's pretty good. It's not that's that was that's like it's like a casserole. It's a casserole It's a tater tot hot dish. Who made the meatloaf your mom or your dad? They would both my dad would cook more than my mom. Good job on the meatloaf. They were good cooks. You like a meatloaf? I don't think I stand by it anymore really stand by it I think territory hot dish. I'll stand by that. That's good the other big thing This is more than we were with my relatives jello salad huge, Minnesota thing With like in that it's like a bowl of jello with like either marshmallows or like old fruit

I'm with you like the fruit that was expired base. I'm with you so much. You're like get rev ambrosia. No Different yeah, it's a different version Martin you put cool whip on the top. Yeah, that was that was big in my family as well the jello salad It's really bad. It's not great. Oh everyone over 50 loved it though They do it for the grandmas to get in the will you got to make a good choice? I'm here on the good side guys who would do like the co the Coca-Cola Jello too. Oh, I remember that was alright Yeah, that was I don't remember the food out. I just remember Pepsi had the time in Pepsi. I think was cola flavor Oh god, it was bad. I just remember Jello letters. Remember that. Oh, yeah jigglers didn't they call?

Yeah, it was big. What's the other old people food lutefisk in Minnesota? What's that pickled herring? You know what fricassee is lutefisk lutefisk lutefisk Fisk it's like a pickled herring. It's really Whitefish it's jellied fish. Yeah, it's bad head cheese another old people thing it's like gelatinous rind and lye your head cheese is that's cow face it's it's the skin around the skull of a cow yes with gelatin yeah it's really fun you eat it cold too that's an above 50 year old thing what were your lunches like were you packing a lunch we buy my mom we were in middle of the liver and onion you know we had a lot I would have Cheez-Its and peanut butter in my lunch a lot a lot of that you would do

they would dip them together that's not dip we do things I love I never had that cheese and peanut butter the salty sweet it's amazing on the East Coast we had we have Lance this company Lance makes cracker like pre-packed crackers. That's a cheese cracker with peanut butter in the Good. Oh, those are amazing. Yeah, that was that we in high school. We bought a lunch It was actually pretty goes like a la carte food. It was actually pretty good food Honestly, they have a pretty wide variety actually we said a la carte Fancy I have my chicken more solid I'll look hard to do the prefix today

Well, cuz we had you could buy a meal in middle school, but it was so bad We found like aluminum foil in the middle of the chicken. It was like it was disgusting Were you allowed to eat in your room as a kid? Uh, yeah, you could eat in your room Yeah, yeah, okay. No TV in the room. What are you and have a TV? What are the meals like now? What do I eat? I really only eat you wait made meals honestly. Like what? I cook, I buy like pre-made salad, frozen pizza. That's it.

I really never cook. Who do you live with? I hate cooking. I live with my girlfriend in Bed-Stuy. You and your girl got a place. She cooks, she cooks for herself. I'm like, I'm not feminism's gone far enough. I'm not gonna make you cook.

So you don't. I'm a huge bitch is what I'm saying. She'll make dinner just for her and you'll do a frozen pizza I'll do like the nice little I don't even know like pre-made grocery meals like you got like like all salmon Will you guys eat together? Not very often because I Spots at night she's working during the day. It's not like it's dinnertime. She's made a meal for herself I'm just sitting there with like a p.m. Bar sandwich No, that doesn't happen very often. Did you meet her out here? I met her in Chicago and I did comedy there

And then we moved out here about a year and a half. What does she do? She's a physical or not. She's a therapist She's just therapist. Okay, zoom therapy. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it's it's a decent living I mean, it's a terrible job and also when you're doing is she doing it in the apartment? Yeah, that's it's a decent living. I mean it's a terrible job and also when you're doing it. She doing it in the apartment Yeah, that's like you can't us you're like it's in the bedroom And I try not to hear but I do hear it and she's not supposed to tell me but she tells me and it's It's fucked up. It's fucked up the things people do yeah any names. I want to know that for HIPAA What was the last time you were at an Applebee's, TJ Friday's, or Olive Garden, or anything of the ilk? You know, I went to a, I go to those at the airport sometimes.

Like a B-Dubs or a Chili's at the airport. Fridays, they're great. That's the best option at an airport. This is on the way out, I would assume. I would say, either if I get there early enough, if I get a delay, probably more if I get a delay. Will you eat at the airport when you land? Now, thank God, I got the Delta Sky Lounge, so can eat there but before that but the I'm before I leave you

I'll try to get out when you land to where you land back in New York I'll go to the Delta Sky Lounge and eat. Yeah. Yeah, cuz it's where you go home. Yeah. Yeah free meal free meal Come on. She's great. It's good food. You got you got been to the lounge. They got good. I'm a lounge I don't love the lounge though because I I don't like the good pepper. I don't love the lounge though, because I... I don't like the people there. I don't like the snooty businessmen. Everybody thinks they're very cool. They look at us and they think,

how did these guys afford the lounge? Yeah. They're like, oh, they couldn't have... It's like I fly 400,000 miles a year. Yeah, yeah, right? Jerk off, shut up and give me my eggs. They're also watching you stuff muffins in your pockets or whatever.

I do steal cream puffs and stuff, cookies, absolutely. Cliff bar, they want you to take all that shit. Absolutely. They're fine. Delta's fine, I think. Can you swim? We went to Applebee's a lot as kids. Applebee's and Red Lobster were big.

That's good. Red Lobster's big. High school Applebee's was like, that's where we hung out. We were like, that's cool. We felt like adults. We're like, everybody scrape together $20, and we're going to Apple and Perkins to Perkins Perkins Baker's Square had all you can eat pie for like ten bucks. That was a fun

He can't eat I'll put down three slices of peanut butter pie that be like a Friday night that was like yeah That was after like high school hockey's big in Minnesota So we would go to a high school hockey game and then go to that afterwards till like 2 a.m. That was our wild night. That's fun though. Other kids were drinking, that was our fun night. Sure, could you swim is what I was asking. I could swim, yeah.

I took swimming lessons when I was like six, seven, eight years old. I hated them, but I can swim, yeah. Have you ever checked into a hotel with your own cooler? Not me, but as a kid every vacation. The family always had a cooler. Oh, yeah. How could you is that do most people say no? That's a relatively new one, but it is a 100% trash thing unless it's for like baby Formula or something. If you're on a vacation you gotta have a cooler if you're on a road trip Obviously have a cooler you save so much money. We all vacations. We didn't go to restaurants very often

It was a lot like cold cut you make deli sandwiches Yeah, we we got to go on a lot of vacations when my parents made them cheap if that makes sense Which was fun a lot of camping a lot of camping a lot of camping they were penny pinchers on this I'm picking up on my mom was a coupon lady Really big book of coupons you got seven cents off beef if you buy 12 pounds and that rubbed off on you. Are you good with money? I wasn't well cuz I turned so them I didn't tell the whole story the babysitter thing when I turned 18 I got that money you got you got the money. I got the money. It went to my bank account the day I turned it. What are we talking about? Yeah, it was a

Two hundred two hundred fifty thousand dollars. It was a lot of money. What the fuck? Yeah, it was a $250,000 Yeah, it was a lot of money. Yeah, and oh so that lady paid for that. I don't know You know I actually have never asked because I think they could me out her directly They must have done like her Bankruptcy or something or she might have been part of a company I don't think so though because I like auto if she had was covered to drive the car the auto insurance I had a personal liability on the auto insurance. I don't think they sue she could if she was babysitting She couldn't have accumulated

250 there's no way she was not older than 25. Yeah, she was open one hell of a lemonade stand There had to be some sort of policy getting sued you got 250 G's when you fucking and 18. And I didn't know it was coming. I didn't know this accident happened till the day I turned 18. And my parents were like, peanut butter and cheese, it's for everybody. My parents sat me down there like crying, telling this story. It means nothing to me. I was like a year old when it happened.

But they're like crying. It's like, this is why we go to church every week. We pray to God that you survived. And then by the way, you get a quarter of a million dollars. And what would you do if you got a million dollars and What would you do? What did they tell you this the literally that my 18th birthday that could have been interesting stuff all accumulated I think it was it was interest and you didn't have to share it with your sister And he wouldn't die for a minute. I died for eight minutes. I think I earned it 30k a minute

That certainly explains the bad wedding yeah Break her off No, you know I showed up. You know about it. I don't think she knew actually no I don't think she knew no she was young now right now. Yes. Yeah, I don't I doubt she knew I think I mean, I would be fucking pissed at you if my brother really 150 fucking cheese I've never seen birthday didn't break me off Yeah, but it's not what we do any me and my sister didn't get along in high school We were we hated each other because she was like a cool part first she was a cool party girl who slept with a couple of my friends one time and that what that may I like a

So after like senior year, I got friends was getting late. I There was like one hipster art guy that was kind of cool like he was like a music he played guitar or whatever And I and I after my senior year I got wild and I threw like parties a lot when my parents were gone I would throw like backyards parties and stuff and one time with the cash with the kid well I wouldn't I would I would put a little money down. Yeah, that do to your brain it destroyed it What what did you have went wild I OK. OK. What did you have? I went wild.

I went wild, yeah. What did you have saved up? I mean, you seemed like a responsible guy when you were a kid. I had it, well, because I stole a lot of that money from the concession stand. I had a couple of shoe boxes full of 20s. I had a pretty good amount.

Maybe a grand? I probably had like $2,000 or $3,000, I bet, at the end of high school. Yeah. The referee job paid pretty well, actually. I didn't have $3,000 until about four years ago. And the only things I bought were like video games Like two or three thousand dollars I bet at the end of high school. Yeah, the referee job paid pretty well And the only things I bought were like fine video games and like poke herb sports cards. I was obsessed with basketball cards I spent a lot of money on that wait school. Okay in high school I kind of gave up in college so the day before your 18th birthday, which is when are you still in high school?

May I was literally graduating in two weeks May 18th Yes, I was like right when I was graduating man shout out to your parents for not saying anything They should have said something at like 16 in my they should have prepped me like to find out the next day You're getting a fucking quarter milk. Maybe put me in a financial literacy class. Yeah They didn't monitor at all no it just got It literally went in my it was wired into my bank account the day I turned that's fucking I turned 18. Yeah, what was the first crazy purchase? I? Bought a kid. I barely knew an Xbox just like he was like you buy me an Xbox you're rich

Was really people I told I couldn't keep my mouth shut I tell everybody people took advantage of it sir. I bought a lot of concert tickets for friend We I was fairly generous, but in college or anything nothing nothing. I hated her for like three or four years of my life Yeah, she probably in college. I bought so much weed and alcohol. I was buying everything yeah now hold on I was so irresponsible high school. There's this thing called reciprocity like you go to a school in another state you can like Minnesota people can pay like Wisconsin prices does that make sense like a neighbor right yeah and I was so full of cash I didn't even apply for the discount I just paid twice as much tuition for like two semesters so you so out of the... I respect the flaunt big guy.

I was like, I love University of Wisconsin Masters. Come on. Yeah, the alumni fund. They don't ask me for donations. I did it. So, hold on. That's crazy. Out of that 250 though, you had to pay for your college education. I had to pay for everything. Yes, yes. At that point, your parents are like, you're relatively on your own. Yeah, I'm on my own. Yeah, yeah. So how much was Wisconsin for four years at the time? I went for five because I drank a little too much one year. But it probably ended up with housing. It probably ended up being like $200,000. So is there any remnants?

Plus I studied abroad twice. I studied abroad twice. This guy partied. I'll give you that. I studied abroad in Ireland for a summer. And yeah, I went wild. I went wild. So there's no remnants of

It was gone probably by the time I was 24 I didn't invest a single dime of it That's crazy if I would have done a Roth IRA or maybe just a little like your treasury bond or something I'm so so bought a fucking Bitcoin back. Oh my god. I would be so rich. I'm so stupid I had a great time for five or six years yeah you know that's a buddy and a university Wisconsin to is like a top five party school so it was tough to say no and I didn't drink in college to her high school I mean so now it's like you're big I went wild yeah hey listen parents say at when you're 25 hey that's all

gone they they weren't surprised They knew it they they knew when I stayed abroad for the second time. They're like, he's not studying abroad is crazy I went to Israel for a summer there. They're not like this guy's watching his coin Yeah, like I was blowing it sure going to Greece and Germany when I was 20 years old I wanted to see what Croatia was. Yeah, and it it's amazing. Now I can't go. Holy shit. I can't afford to go now, but I could. How's the cash now? You good with money? In the last year or two, I'm a much more financially literate person. I'm doing the Roth IRA. We're doing the CD accounts. You got it. It's so stupid not to. Yeah, totally. I did it. I's so stupid not to

Two years ago, I didn't tell two years ago, okay How many do you own any suits if you had to go to a wedding tomorrow? I guess I only have a suit cuz I had to go to my sister's okay I bought it like four months ago. Where'd you get it? I got it at Kohl's I believe Kohl's yeah Yeah, you know it was a nice suit. I saw pictures You look I forgot my dress shoes though and had to wear vans at the wedding as the priest. That's cool though. It was also a really casual wedding. Were they new vans?

They were fairly new. Fairly new. I'll give you that. And my, it was like, my sister, they're like hippies. They didn't even want to have a wedding. Wait, so you officiated your sister, so everything's all patched up now. Yeah, yeah, we're great friends now. We're even friends for like a decade. Yeah, once he got broke again. Yeah, yeah. He fucking, hey, come back to the dark side the dark side. I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean those Yeah a little bit well honestly yeah, what'd you give your sister for a wedding I

You know I haven't given the gift yet. I haven't I got so stressed out by the Sure, of course What are you gonna buy her a trip probably or be like you tell me where you want to go Sure of course I've heard Trip probably or be like you tell me where you want to go. I'll pay for it something like that very good I'm talking a couple of G's I'll probably they're they're hiking people, but it'll probably like to that 1500 2000 That's a good all the granola you could shoot They're just gonna spend it on weed. That's all they'll do That would be amazing I make her do that. I mean I that's I don't have a whole bunch. Have you ever owned a bowling ball or a pool cue

Do people know we went bowling that was a fun Then we had a friend who owned a bowling ball. He was a huge huge he had his own shoes and a bowling ball That's sad. What a nerd huh? When I could find people to look down on there was The theater kids we looked down the theater kids. We thought we were cooler than them. Are you thinking? I don't think I was wrong. We were wrong. That was it now. I look back theaters sick theaters like cool Are you taking any vacations now? I'm trying this summer. I'm trying to you know, I'm getting into jam bands That's what I'm doing

That's a guy who just found out about mushrooms This is a guy no, I'm just a guy who just got back into weed that's me I was a huge stoner in college gave it up for like eight years the last two years I'm back, you know, be good. You know what mix well with this a 48 minutes on yeah You guys are I knew this would be an anti-jam band the last two years I'm back. You know what would mix well with this? A 48 minutes song. Yeah. I just got hit. I knew this would be an anti-jam band crowd. I knew it. I guess we have ears and functioning personalities.

Come on, ween. You know what your fat cats. Weens from Philly. Come on, Philly native. Ween stinks. Ween. No. They stink.

I thought you would love ween, Toby. You thought wrong. No way. We got a big ween. I love ween. Chocolate and cheese is one of my favorite apples. Chocolate and cheese is amazing. I think you're love weaned. Oh you thought wrong no way. I got a big weaned Chocolate and cheese is one of my favorite chocolate and cheese. I say you're dessert Anniversary concert in Philly this fall yeah, I love it. That's I'm taking a lot. They were considered They're kind of jammy. They do different sets every night. They take drugs. They take a lot of drugs. Yeah, yeah. I'm not even a drug guy really. I only smoke weed really, but that's I'm building vacations around jam bands.

I don't have respect for you. She enjoys it. I don't think she loves it. She likes it a little. How about getting a beach house? We're going to Jersey Shore late July. Point Pleasant. That's nice. I'm doing a one-nighter at Uncle Vinny's. Okay. Doing a Sunday at Uncle Vinny's. doing a Sunday and Uncle Vinny's returning to a little weekend at Beach House Is that the Jersey Shore? Yeah, that is okay Anything is it trash is point pleasant trashy I know nothing about that I don't think I've ever been to me that always skewed classier But I don't know any I don't know much about it Jersey Shores kind of its own thing

It's far as that's I'm excited to go there's's very rich parts of the Jersey Shore and there's very shitty parts. Really? Okay, I'm excited to see it all. I've never been near there. It'll be great. Is that like a Philly vacation? You guys are both Philly. I'm going to the shore. As this airs I'll be at the shore I believe. Oh really? I grew up going to Wildwood, New Jersey. Is that South Jersey? That's the shittiest what's like one of the Atlantic City and Wildwood are like the last Two free beaches. Oh, that's why they're so attractive. Atlantic City that bad. Oh It was cool and now it's Really is it that long ago?

The last time we we were we were doing a show in Atlantic City a few years ago We I went to the buy batteries or something at the CVS and there was a guy with an open wound on his face behind me Waiting in line. I'm like wow I'm like you can go he's like now. He was like he wasn't even buying anything for the wound He was buying like a magazine or something. I'm like buddy. Hey guys some gauze I mean the kids fucking trash I got a trash With the twisted door With a dork floater

Hammer of dirt. Yeah, I mean you had a bird you lived on a dead end 200 grand yeah, yeah one of the trashiest guys to be in here in the last couple of months? I would holy yeah Yeah, take it is the to was the tuna bad the tuna wasn't great I'm a kid being your favorite so your babysitter stand by chips 50 grand well I would ask if you're not then nothing you're pushing back against it But what do you think makes you class? What have you told us that we were like whoa? I thought I thought like the quiz bowl math Not drinking until college. I thought that was

Dork garbage No, but it's not cool definitely classy yeah It's not like whoa yeah throwing up in my yeah throwing up from Rumpelmann's when I was 18 is not cool Yeah, throwing up at my, yeah, throwing up from Rumpelmann's when I was 18 is not cool. The bed wedding didn't help you. The bed wedding, you know what, I was brave to even share that. I agree with you. I want that to be clear.

I agree with you. That's bravery. They use the word a lot online. I did it. Sure. What's your middle name? Thomas, GTA, Jeffrey Thomas Osmous. Pretty good.

GTA, all right. That was a fun little joke. I mean, that's not gonna pull him out of this. Osmous was a terrible name in high school asked a lot of ass Jeffrey asked a mouth was my nickname in high school in college So that's cuz your behavior in the bed. I've never done it. I'm scared to live up to my name You're Jeffrey Asperger asked a mouth asked master every ass I've been called that Joffrey and all yeah

called that. Joffrey and all that. Yeah. Well, you do have the classy spelling of Jeffrey. You know what? I got called Gregory hundreds of times. Sure. Every teacher would call me Gregory. I don't know why. That was a thing. Huh. Yup, yup. God, I'm garbage. Okay, I'll take it. I like that. I mean, the fact that you're surprised is great. I didn't know there was Minnesota garbage. I thought we were a classy state. Is my the first Minnesotan on the pod? No. No, we had a... Or Chad Daniels, probably. Chad Daniels, obviously. He's gotta be garbage. Garbage I thought we were classy state where it's my the first Minnesotan on the pod. No

Psychopath so he's got a he's got a serial killer stillness in them. Yeah, we'll shake you to the core Yeah, he's awesome. I love every aspers everybody. Thank you very funny stand with comedian Do yourself a favor see him on the road please check out his special only funny white man over there on YouTube Check out his podcast. You're an idiot anything else you want the folks Next week my website white comedian comm folks. I bought it a decade ago for $80 a year It's the gift that keeps on giving I'm touring in every fucking city this fall. It's never-ending Sure, he's on the road only a special this fall so this fall. So, the new hour. Check it out on the road. One of the funniest work. Yeah, man. We love you, buddy. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much for

coming. Kippy, what do you got for him? Uh guys, Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie Theater. It's a big one. August 17th. Tickets available at rugarbage.com plus the Route 66 door starting in Chicago and in LA. Uh ten cities, twelve days. We got a bus. We're shooting the whole thing. Get those tickies. Quiz ball. Thanks for coming in, buddy. Thank you got a bus. We're shooting the whole thing. Get those tickies. Quiz ball. Thanks for coming in, buddy.

Thank you for having me. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.