Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Gift Card Ballers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: BlueChew: https://bluechew.com Promo Code: Garbage Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW and use code AYG Gambling Problem? Call one eight hundred GAMBLER. New York: call eight seven seven eight HOPENY or text HOPENY. Connecticut: call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven or visit CCPG dot org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus in most states. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. 3 sweepstakes with separate opt-ins. Min. odds -500. Prizes either Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days or single-use profit boost. See Official Rules at d k n g dot co slash live millions for entry period and free method of entry. Sponsored by Crown Gaming Inc. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here you, hear you, are all our friends to the north up there in Canada? The boys are crossing the border and we're coming over, baby. Yeah, January 9th, we're going to be at the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto, Ontario. Limited tickets left, get them while they last. Then we got Austin, Tampa, Chicago, Indiana, Nashville, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland. All tickets available at RUGarbage.com. We'll see you's on the road. See you, Hoosers.

Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are Classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Hey! It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that after your group. Be classy.

Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Tootty's in a new edition. She's hitting it really hard this year Okay Down there at the Cheetah Club

Okay It's a new ladies fitness club It's not nefarious It's not a script club Okay It's a strip club All right yeah I picked up on dance And pole dancing

Hold dancing That's good for your core strength It's good for your core strength She wants to put one in here Okay Yeah I shake what you're shaking your tail feather I don't want to come in and catch

You spinning around on that thing Upside down with a dollar bill in your mouth One of your butt cheeks Playing a pickup stick Sounds like you do want to see it. My co-hosts is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies for 2026. Give it up for K-J.

Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify and the boys are in the middle of the road. That's what we like doing. We're not show off. No.

We're not these guys that come and climb the charts. Uh-huh. We pick out, we pick away at it, pick away at it. We're selling albums, we're doing shows. We're doing all right? Yeah. Are we the biggest guys in the world? No.

Now. Are we the smallest? No, we are not. No. Are we having a good time? We are. Do we love the homies and a bozos? Of course.

We do. That's why you go over there. If you want more content, if you want more of this great content that we put up, Patreon.com. www. www. At p. You go over there.

You get up to three bajillion hours. That's what I just got in. The reports came in three bajillion. an hour with a bonus content that's for comedic purposes and they're not legally bound to provide sure absolutely we're a van tour band we're doing our thing yeah we do our thing

we get a couple of hits nothing that popped up in the billboard yet no I gotta come working on a couple right now we're gonna be those guys when they look when you look back in 20 years they were great they had some good stuff I loved them we were not gonna be we're not gonna begin introducing the rock and roll

whole of fame maybe we're not gonna have top floor like Bon Jovi had, which, by the way, if you've been there in Cleveland, will be in Cleveland, get your tickets. Shout out to it. That top floor, me and Diesel were in there. I'm not a Bon Jovi fan. That turned us into a Bon Jovi fan. That guy, seen a million faces, and he rocked them all.

So, who said that? He said that? That's a good quote. That's on his song. We're Eddie Money. Eddie Money sold 28 million records, but you wouldn't know it. He was just a hardworking kid from Brooklyn. He did not sell 28 million records.

Let's clear that out. Just like if he even got a dollar. It's $28 million cash. That's not talking about the door. Sure. Shout out to easy money. I spent easy money. It's a good film.

Maybe that's why we're not at the top of the charts. We're giving any money shoutouts. We are contractually obligated on family episodes to stop by and talk to the owner's son who works here. No, I've pushed back. They're no longer the owner. I've looked at that paperwork was all bunk. I was drunk when I signed it. Back of a McDonald's receipt.

You know, they say that's why Cole, whatever his name was. Ambles. No. Intrude detective. That's why he drank because no matter anything he said would have been admissible in Port. The word I'm learning recently. Admissible. Luke Dempsey.

Happy to be back in Q1. Excited. We took Tooties off the books. Yes, we did. Q1's looking great now. Oh, you took Tootty's off the book. I'm like Port and away. I bought it back for a dollar.

Exactly. Take that, Dempsey Group. The kid's back, back on top, middle of the curve. Eddie Money, the Addy Money of podcast. Maybe we could be ourselves again. You with a collared shirt, really attacking Q1. Thank you. You are a businessman.

Well, I got to set myself up. Now, you're going to ask me for something. No. I see this coming down. No. Like, boo-wee-o. I'll tell you what I wanted to ask before we get into the Q's. Shout out to all the bozos and homies out there.

Q1, freshen it up. Yeah, something's going on because Q1, you were sitting at the table eight minutes before we started. Hey, man, just a new me. A bit of a toad on them. That's not true. I think I've been very delightful around the office. I made a joke, and you went, maybe it wasn't that funny of a joke, I get it. Oh, yeah.

I was getting some of the fluff out. Called your secretary, you a bitch. No, I wouldn't say that. You just did. No, I wouldn't say that to anybody. I don't have a secretary. Yeah, you do. Who's the hot kid out there?

he's shark mark the shark listen i'm going to get pushed back on this not for me it's 2026 we need to class it up that we need to class it up a little bit and i don't mean in here we're going to always be trashy i have been doing something lately in a non-annoying non-patronizing way that i think it'd be cool if we kind of brought this back I don't want to say it. This is about me? No. Okay.

What's it to have to do with? Over the last few weeks, especially if somebody's like, you know, I've been calling everybody, sir, lately even more than I did. A lot of times it was somebody older or somebody in the military or a cop or whatever. Thank you, sir. But I've been kind of doing it for everybody, especially, like, I remember when I was Christmas shopping, There was a guy that was taken out to trash. And we met our contacts. How are you doing, sir?

He said, how you doing? Good to see you. It makes people feel good. Sir, we should get back into that. Okay. As gentlemen. Now, you're a madman guy. I'm into it, but I feel like it's also calling a woman ma'am sometimes.

I do agree with that. What is that bullshit? It's not about age, man. It's about respect. It's about acknowledging each other. That we're all professional people. We're all out there doing our goddamn best with what we got. You fucking pieces of shit.

Jesus Christ. Q1, wound tight. No. Okay. Chew. Just went off on a dialogue and started screaming. Um, I... I know you don't like.

I'm not... Also, any black guys out there, I call everybody brother, just so you know. I just want that stated. Sometimes that gets in my head. I do the same thing. I call everybody brother. I do the same thing. I love it.

I got to push back, though. You can't jump between brother and sir. So there's something Something's rotten in the state of Hank over here No I just think you can't say I call everybody brother And I also call people sir So you're choosing

And who gets it I'll tell you, okay ready Hispanic guys We just walked into a place Brother We just walked into a place What kind of place? Am I there? You worked there

I worked there Yes You work there Same things are going to take Q1 is bad I'm a I don't know A famous entertainer. Okay.

Let's go with that. All right, let me see if I can get there. Okay, all right. Diesel, my scarf. And what am I? Some sort of matri-D? No. Not yet.

More of a back waiter. No, I'm in a retail store. And I'm working, okay, I'm not even a major d of a nice joint. I'm working retail. You're working retail? I'm back in Mayst. What's wrong with retail? I'm nothing, but I'd rather be quarterback in

a fucking... What, the Jets or something? No, a nice fucking restaurant. A nice restaurant. Have I ever seen you throwing a football? Can you throw a football? I'm sure. Can you shoot a basket?

Yeah. I would beat you in basketball a hundred times out of a hundred. Whoa, take it easy, glory days. No, that's not glory. No, you just asked me like a high school bully. Can you even shoot a basketball? No, no, no.

I was hoping that you... As a guy with active poop in his pants. No, hold a second. First of all, I told you not to say nothing about that. You need... I'm still in my no underwear phase. Can I bring up, this is a little more hard feelings, but we're done hard feelings for the week?

Hold on a second. What? I need you to. Okay. Can I work at a restaurant? Can I beat a guy shot caller at a restaurant? A hostess? No, shot caller, obviously.

I don't go to restaurants that have mated ease. I go to restaurants and have college broads working there during the break. Yeah, we all been to Twin Peaks. All right, tough guy? What's Twin Peaks? Okay. What's that? The famous TV show from the 80s with...

The lollipop club. I like the lollipop club. Uh-huh. Listen. I'm trying. I come in. One-on-one, me versus you. I come in.

First, make it take it. How can I help? 11. 11, nothing's a shutout. Ready? 21. Win by 2. Say, how can I help you?

Oh, my God. You're that guy from that podcast, I love, with Kippie. What's your name again? I'm Andy Garbin. I forgot about Andy Garland. Can you play along? Can you take direction?

Can you? Yes. It's a comedy podcast. You're trying to do fucking serious scenes. Can you take directions by riffing in the moment? Go ahead.

What? Hey, how are you doing? Hey, how are you? No, no, no. You can't say sir first. You stink. Fuck. You can't say sir first.

How do you get a job like this? How do I get a job like this? I have to work very hard. You know, the matron D. You know, the Major D in the New York. Jets. That's how you comedy podcast. You direct the defensive tackles.

Swing to miss. Luke Isom. Look at what I was script. Hey, get you, give me a. Hey, how are you doing? Hey, how are you doing, sir? We have a reservation. A nervous guy, huh?

You don't belong here. Bounce them. Come on. Bullshit. Clearly, you don't have a reservation. You probably have any cash on you either. Let's do it again. Let's do it again.

But you can't say, sir. You have to say, Hey, how can I help you? Hey, how can I help you? Hey, how are you, sir? Good to see you. Yeah, the bathrooms are for customers only. Oh, fuck you then.

I was here last week, jerk off. All right, give me a soda or something. How much is a water? Not that bottled shit. Anyway, since you can't do a scene. I'm killing. What are you talking about? Yeah, but you're killing in the wrong way.

You're making your scene pointer look stupid. No, you're supposed to set me up. You're supposed to set me up. Your partner is stupid. You're the setup guy. I'm the spike man. I'm killing it. Yeah, because you're spiking it.

You're not supposed to. You're throwing it up to yourself and spiking it. You got to pass it to me. You ever do improv? It's not about showing off. I'm a goddamn entertainer. Huh? This is what gets people in his seat.

This is why we cash checks, baby. Laughs. You're trying to lower the lights and do some handling. No, I'm not. I'm trying to prove a goddamn point, you piece of shit, that we're supposed to be nice to each other. Sorry, I can't turn off. I am being nice to you.

You're not. You're making fun of me telling me I can't use the bathroom, which is fucked up to do to a fellow human if I have to use the bathroom. You know, I didn't tell you this. I was at a shit myself. I was at a store a couple of days ago getting some stuff, you know. Okay, wow.

Really on the edge of my seat over here. I go over to the one counter where they're kind of like doing inventory shit, whatever. And I go, hey, man, do you want to if I set this down here for a minute? And the guy behind the counter goes, yeah, of course, go ahead. Then this manager walks over and goes, bring that over to the other register. I heard this fucking lady say that. Bring it over to the other register.

Because you know us, we'll start ringing it up. And then he'll walk out and go over to the Salvation Army. That's what she said about me. Huh. Wait, what's that mean? that I'm a fucking bozo That you don't have the cash for it Something

You believe that shit I don't know I don't have a shirt on But still Drinking soup from the can Split P Found the chunk of bacon At the bottom

Oh Smoky Isn't that fucked up She was insinuating that you're broke And you're gonna I don't know what she was insinuating I like this broad though It was a nice joint

Did you call her sir Maybe you called her sir She got a little upset Hey thanks thoughts do it again Hey how are you Welcome to get You gotta be to start

This is what it's all about You gotta build a scene You're not a team player You gotta build a scene Just do it's hard And get to the goddamn point Hey sir Welcome to Gallagher's

You can't say sir And you don't work at Gallagher's That's the son that does the front there You would maybe be one of the lackeys Standing behind him Talking about the tall guy A good looking guy? Yeah I'm the tall good looking guy obviously

No, you're not. Have you seen the program? No. I'm the tall good looking at galley's like that. You'd be running food or something. Oh. With that attitude. Hello.

Hello, welcome to Gallagher's. Happy holidays. How are you, sir? Good to see you. Table for two. I have a reservation under Foley. My assistant made it. Let me see.

Okay, whatever. Fast forward. Hold on. It's not coming up here. It's not the point. I have dinner. Sir, I have a nice fucking dinner. Sir, please stop yelling.

I'm looking for you. You said it was Foley. Can you spell that? F-O-L-E-Y. F-O-L-E-Y. And your first name is? H. Say that again, sir.

I said H. I'm a famous entertainer. Oh, would you be right? Have I seen you in anything? Sure. Like what? Manifest, Jim Gaffigan show, Gotham. Anything from this century, sir?

That was in the century. Decade. No. But I would still like to have a meal. Okay. Forget about it. This is not what we're doing. You're causing a scene.

Can you step aside? I'm going to take my business elsewhere. I'm sorry. We don't have any business, apparently. Okay. You do have a gift card. Patty, want to take me out of dinner with a gift card? That's fine.

No, it's not. Listen, you don't have it. You can't be standing on airs. She wants to take you out like... What the fuck? Hey, guy, it's not halftime. Fucking takes a nine-second sip. I'm fucking broadcasting here.

I was thinking a choice. Acting choice. My point is on the way out, I would say thank you, brother. So that's the dichotomy of how I bounce serum, brother. Okay. Jesus. Like the Nuremberg trials in here. The Jimmy Neutron trials.

Did they put him on trial? Yeah. They should have. Arson. He fucked up a lot of spots. He had uncontrolled nuclear weapons in his goddamn basement. I never... I never watched the program.

I thought that was your shit. Nah. That was a big insult. Shut up, Jimmy Neutron head. Somebody with a good head of hair. Yeah, Jimmy Neutron head. A little body, big head, big quoth. That's what we would know.

I could have done that as a live action show. And as I've always said, if you're older... I'd be greeted. That's Jimmy Neutron. for the older older folks out there Johnny Quest would have been a great

live action show which I've said many times on this program Yes Anyway You don't like sir I don't I just think

I think sir Can I explain my point of you You're interrupting it No I was not I kicked it over to Luke I was gonna see if I can get him on my side real quick Wouldn't it be cool

If Luke's generation Sort of calling each other Sorry I don't get to see you sir To each other Place it up a little bit Yes It's not about age.

It's about respect. I understand, but I think inherently built into that, it's about age. And you want to take it out, which is fine. But to everyone else, I think age is built into that, as is ma'am. Whether or not... I don't use ma'am. I use honey a lot. That's worse.

No. Thank you. Dude. That's fucking, you know... What's that bad? Four or fifths of, you know, three fingers of bourbon and fucking... You're a fucking... You're a couple seconds away from asking her if fucking take it, turn around.

let me get a good look at you with honey honey's wild i had my uncle do that one time what am i grow up really yeah how you turn around get a good look he's in 90s yeah it's different different time i remember my is that a funeral which was weird he's wanted to see her dress hey look beautiful give me a turn uh-huh give me a turn why you back it up and dump it for me sweetheart huh i'm grieving here he made me do this he made me do the same thing so uh i got a grief Boner going. Sad boner. Kim, let's talk about Blue Chew.

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Straighten yourself out. Everybody needs a little help in the bedroom. We all know that. You get a little older. You put it a couple pounds. You need a little assist. You got juice a little bit. Also, listen, if you're just, also, let's say you're a stud and,

in great shape. But, you know, I'm going to keep her coming back. Lower reins out if you catch my trip. I mean, have her walking fun. Woo. Kevin. How you doing?

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I understand. I just, sometimes you say it and everybody around, this is a, communication is, this is a, this is a problem with you sometimes if you'll say something or we'll say something and Or you'll say something, everybody that hears it interprets it one way, and you go, I didn't mean that. And I go, I understand, but this is how the room understood what you said. And I lost it.

And then that's, so I think a lot of times you say that to, you know, you're a 50-year-old guy, calling people, sir, that are significantly... Nobody knows I'm 50. They think I'm 35. I understand. But I think... If you've seen manifest... It's a high school...

Now, how old am I again, by the way? What? I don't know, how old are you? Well, it doesn't really matter. Character. But do you have anything on, is there age built into sir? Or is that just all what we presume? The assumption of it.

I was more confused of what was the point of the improv act out? What were you trying to prove with the act? The difference between Sarah and brother, which I get. Sarah is the introduction. Brothers is like we're already friends. Yes. Okay. Because we've demonstrated.

that we have mutual respect for each other, and now we're boys. I get that. That makes sense. I got a great head nod from a dude the other day. He was eating breakfast, and I walked by. He looked like a European assassin, but he was with his family. Is it me? No.

No. Whoa. Okay. You look like an American. That guy. No. Podcaster. No.

What? A little washed up. You're thin now. See, you just look a little washed up. You look sleepy, tired, burned out. Yeah, face. Check, checked. I felt like I came in a refresh for Q1.

Huh. Just saying how I feel. Brought that toad with you through the New Year's, didn't you? You never let years ago, have you? No, I'm chipper as it can be, sir. It's good to see you, brother. What were you asking me? Point for Foley, sir is not age-specific.

Sure. Sure, sure. You won, baby! Everything's looking up for the bug man. Go. Oh. Sir, I don't care. What you call me, you still can't get a table here.

Step aside for the paying customers. I have a gift card. And put those matches and mince back, please. Stop going through the coats of the goat check. I left my keys in this. Yeah, the definition of sir, no one's calling a fucking little kid, sir. Hey, sir, how you doing it? Yeah, because it's age appropriate.

I don't care. I don't care what fucking Webster's dictionary says. I'm digging my heels in. Is that Webster's? Gary. What happened at them, by the way? They kind of tanked, didn't they? I think dictionaries is a whole.

You ever, hey, they're introducing this to the dictionary. Shut up. We don't care. It's not 1942 anymore. I got, I got porn to watch. But you encyclopedias have taken a bath, too. Yeah, I don't think they exist anymore. No?

I remember when they put them online. I remember that in college. It was like, they're all online. And that was big. Go to like Britannica. Dot County. I'd have like a login. I remember I can never remember my password.

I used to love an encyclopedia. Yeah, that was fun. Like going to the, going to the library, pulling it out, looking at that da-da-da-da. You'd catch a boob or two in them sometimes, I remember. Under B. Something. For boobs. You'd catch a little titty in there.

I can't remember why. Sure. I mean, that was educational purposes. That national geographic result said it came. It was probably early to mid-90s. There was these set of books that were black. There were white. Like, the covers were white with, like,

Black, right, but they're all about sharks or, like, fish or snake, man, they were the shit. Because they were, like, new. So, you, I mean, my crusty-ass library, all left over from the 70s, walking there and start sneezing right away. Dust, duster than a motherfucker. Do you have a book on asbestos lawsuits? I'm doing some case study. Yeah, just fucking. Finding something in the library was brutal.

But then new. And, like, that was cool. There was a cool new book, and you're like, this is about sharks. And I was eight, and sharks were cool. And there was a book about skateboarding. It was old as fuck. And I was like, they were the old skateboards that were like all the way straight. Just going down a hill?

Yeah, like in and out of cones. And I'm like, listening to the monkeys. Do do, do, do, do. I'm like, this shit sucks. Give me a ripper. Something. Something like that. Thrash her.

But that was. Well, we had CCS. That was the big magazine. What's that? It was a skate catalog. CCS. I don't know what it's good for. They're in a library?

No, that was like what. we had. That was our only way you could really consume. You didn't read Thrasher? I didn't know who you couldn't. I didn't know where we could get our hands on Thrasher. They didn't sell it at Wawa. Huh. He had to go to like a specialty store or something to get that. And my mom was not subscribing to something called Thrasher. And you couldn't really skate. And I couldn't skate. No. I could cruise

like a sum of a bitch. But yeah, that was we had the catalog pass that thing around. fucking jerk off to it. California cheapskates. Is that what it stood for? That's what my buddy said, but I never believed them. Look at that. You could not read?

I always say that underneath the acronym. No, it did not. California Cheapskates? Yeah. CCP? C C C C. What? California.

Caps. Oh, CCCS. There you go. CCP. It was CCC. Who's that? The Chinese? No, the Russians.

It wasn't called the CPS. CCP was CCCC. It was three Cs. Right? No, CCP Chinese Communist Party. That's who's banging now. Yeah. What does CCP mean? Who got to you in Q4, Q1?

I just said it. Chinese Communist Party. That's right there in a name. And we let that happen? I was cloned over the new year. These guys are commies and they're broadcasting it? Yeah. And they're making all of our gear?

Making all of our gear. Fucked. You ain't lying, sister. good to see you sir well yeah let's talk a little business yeah let's get into it gang as you know we got to gosh i mean all this uh the respectful talk neither here nor there scene studies acting premises me killing whatever um you're not killing we got i was killing you don't pretty good that bathroom big yeah but it was on my setup and you wouldn't give it to me no that was all because i was trying to prove a point you were screwing me you were acting i'm reacting i don't see lines

I see colors, blue, red, green. I connect them to emotions. You're there. What's my emotion? I'm just in it. Huh? Hit me. I don't like you very much.

Is this a scene you're doing? Because you're nailing it. Thank you. Now we got a little mutual respect. Gang, as you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. And this is one I don't know if it's really ever come across. This one's from Kippie's mother-in-law.

Hold your tongue. Whoa. $10 bag of dicks here. That's just inappropriate. Never have one read. Is it garbage to vote for reality TV contests like dancing with the stars? We never did that. You never voted for any of the American idols?

Come on. I'm telling you, we watched that. You weren't a Ruben Stubbins fan. That's your version of them, Ruben Stubbard. Stubbard. Stuttered. No, we were. That was

His name wasn't stuttered, was it? Yeah. Oh, that's brutal. I was season two, by the way. Ruben stuttered? No, it wasn't stuttered. It was, dude. Stuttered?

That's crazy. I would have changed that. Ruben stuttered. It's like Danny Lisp. Did he have a stutter? No. Yes, then what's, there's no... This is strange.

Uh-huh. For a showbiz name. Sure. Why, I don't think he's not. Cool like Kevin Ryan. Oh, my bad. H. H.

H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. H. My mom says H. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's H-E-N-R-I. Good though. Do you suppose your name wrong? H-E-N-R-Y is how you spell my name. I think he said I.

No. I'm not ha-H-R-E. Which I would be. I could be French. I would do it. Hit it. Act. Act? Okay. This guy really, really turns on when the lights come on.

He's about Swamishu. Probably who in Glecy will play? Bet, there's a... Hey, hey, once you find the punchline, you stick with it. That's... He's good, gang. Shobit. That's...

No, I mean, we were... I mean, we were invested in the first season of that. Justin Guarney from Bucks County. You didn't vote, though? You had to vote. No, that's how my mom. That's a toll-free number, I'm sorry. Tell Denise that, and the height of getting fucking, no.

The TV and the phone don't talk. That's how we operate. That's like the microwave talking in the air conditioner. That don't happen. What are you two chatting about it? Yeah, you're not calling the TV with your phone. You've never called? That's how they get you.

Yeah, calling a number off TV. No way. Well, for what? There are plenty of people are voting. One vote ain't going to swaying. Never. We watched every episode. A live vote every fucking time.

Never once. Just leaving up to the universe. I remember the first time I saw one of my ladies, one of my babysitters called the radio. I was like, you're going to get in trouble when she gets home. He finds out you called Philadelphia. It's a goddamn long distance call. We're in his suburbs, does? Yeah, no.

I got caught one time. During the day, every once in a while, they would have. have these whack-a-do, like, coloring sets. Like, it'd be, like, weird ink, glow-in-the-dark ink, and it would be, like, a set that had, like, a million colors and a million pieces of paper and, like, all this stuff with it.

It was all crap. Yeah. I got caught calling out. I mean, phone-in-hand dial-on-it-old. How old are you? It was like last year. What do you mean? I'm asking how old you are.

You're telling a story. I was 11 or 12. Okay. Thanks. I was just curious. Cops? What the fuck? On your phone?

I got screamed at. Yeah, we were never... Fucking relax, lady. We were, don't play on the phone. Three easy payments. I never was selling that to my mom. She'd be like, no. I go, it's just $3.9 payment.

He's in $9.99. You got that. I got that on me. What he tried to get? Whatever. Dude, I loved an infomerge. I loved that slapchop guy. He could sell me anything.

Sham well, slapchop. It turned into be a bit of a bevee here. You can only do one egg. They should have made that thing fucking bigger. And the slapchop? I'm not doing one egg at a time, a little handful of nuts. What the fuck? My aunt used to, my aunt Karen used to call Danny Slapchop

because he's a jerk off and she thought that guy was a jerkolf. Daniel's like fucking 11 years old. Shut up, slapchop. You're a jerk off just like the slapchop guy. I would know him as the sham. Sure. You know what was cool? Those dudes got their start

I know At the convention Yeah that's fucking cool I respect that Could have been your future Coming up the hard way You could have done I was all right

You just weren't personable enough I was great You weren't big enough You weren't big enough You weren't big enough You don't have a good face You know an untrustworthy face But you're a little fat ass back then

I was But I was jovial I was jovial What did happen to your hair As far as the color Why is it darker now You were like bleach blonde when you were a kid.

Yeah, it happens. Does it? Uh-huh. What are you saying? What are you looking at? What? You're looking at something. Yeah, we're really going out at Q1, aren't we?

Uh, you got it out for me today. That's not true. It's not not true. I don't. I just want you to be a good scene partner. Was I not? So I can get to laughs. Yeah, I'm dunking on your fucking...

We're not competing against you. They're supposed to be working together. Make fun of Luke. That hell? Squeaky. All right, let's see here. This one is... Hold on real quick.

Great question. That's trashy. Yes, very much so. I get it now. Then I remember when it moved the text and that was... Even that's dangerous. It was that time and technology that my mom didn't trust and we were just like, it doesn't... It just, that's not for us.

We were never... My mom never understood the phone and TV enough and the cell phone bills and plan now. Now, it all makes ads, whatever, whatever, but... Then Simon Cowell's got your number. He's probably using that information. That was all rigged anyway, right? I don't think so. Get the fuck out of here.

I mean, no, because they... They wanted who they wanted to win. Stuttered would have won. He's got the shot. Didn't Stuttered win? Yeah, stuttered won. Oh, he did? Season two.

Huh. What the other one then? Chris Daughtry got robbed. Chris Daughtry. He went on to be a big star, right? And Ruben did real... They weren't the same season, but Oh, they weren't?

Daught Drew's later. I think he was Jordan Sparks's season. Do you remember this? Were you even alive? Jordan Sparks, yeah. We were big in the Dempsey household. She was hot, right? Yeah.

What are you talking about? This is like 2003. We were watching. We were texting. I remember we had to wait a week because my dad was like, I have to figure this out first, make sure it's not a scam. Yes. You were three or four years old.

Yeah. Jordan Sparks. What season was she? She was season six. Oh, yeah. 2007 so you were seven years old i was 10 years old huh prime time sent with the family watching that course 10 years old hot old jordan spark i don't know i just remember being hot that's all i remember um i was doing other things that i'm pursuing my own career

entertainment which camera's mine oh super single trav hit me on the wide you no trave hit him from the side far side bad angle bad angle don't do that son of a bitch hit him with the good i'm working on it hit him with the gooch cam no yeah i got one of them installed goes right to the ccp that'd be awesome if you had a little gay letter

uh all right let's see here this one's from cody long time ten dollar homie never had one red love it is it garbage if my lineage of car ownership in the past 15 years has been, one, a Mitsubishi Galant. Wow. Two, a Dodge caliber, which I'm not even sure really what that is. A Chrysler 300 than a Nissan Ultima. Man. Man, this guy's up there.

I got to get eyes on. Pimping. Dodge caliber. That's got to be that real little guy, right? Some of those. Oh, no. Oh, man, this thing stinks. It was like the 300 station wagon.

and they were always that they were always this red color oh yeah they thought that was going to be like a roadster or something that thing stunk man that's a tough lineage yeah damn dog Mitsubishi galants my boy had a my boy deli had a galant and he loved it had a fucking they're classy a Mitsubishi's crazy his parents had it and it was his hand like he got it like hand me down 10 years later or whatever I remember had he was the first guy I knew with a spoiler on his car because they had like the sports package or had a moonroof fucking spoiler cd player like not a head unit that came with the cd player and cranking heaters that's pretty sweet i can't do it miss Mitsubishi though why ccp no pro arbor oh gotcha

where's that shirt made uh didn't attack the arizona he's jumping the dews michibici i seen you having sushi three days ago that shit's good i just specifically that company made japanese made zeros okay that fun that war with a country and you had nothing to do it how's around back then i'm kidding uh nissan ultima 100% dirt bag It's not everybody This is I want to say this Not everybody who drives an ultima

Is a dirt bag Every dirtbag Drives an Ultima Yes Put it that way Yes It's not if and then then And I just found out why

Oh I just Yeah It's a shittier version of the maxima I know but why I think they were renting They didn't care They were getting their money from the financing rather than the sale of the car or something like that

that was a big finance car yeah they they would give it to any good credit bad credit that was like that kind of thing so all these people all these dirt bags would get fucking ultima's think they're a race cars there's like that old video of like every ultimate driver it's like smell like weed dude always smell like weed i've been in so many blunt cruises in an ultima my damn my dany's first after danny's bounce back first car was an ultima and he crashed it in the driveway into my mom's car. He was so mad.

I laughed at him. I thought he was going to punch a hole through my head. It was Christmas Day. We were going to mass. By accident? Yeah. I don't know if you think you did an insurance. You're laid out on the driveway.

Because the ultimate's kind of nice. Try to sue your mother because she wouldn't let you vote for Ruben stuttered. Things are fixed anyway. It is fixed. No way. That's record contract shit. You think Kelly Clarkson wasn't winning? shit all them hits

What are you talking about Kelly Clarkson doesn't have hits Yeah but the idea is that that launched her career They were nobody wanted her to win Because they had those songs written for ready to go Gotcha trust me I had the music and I forgot I forgot I was talking to

Yes my apologies Luke pull it up I bet he's working on it right now Pull what up Or are you cutting this Are we running All right let's see This is another good one

Hit me Captain Carboard, three words for you. Pictures of fireworks. I've caught myself trying to take pictures of them. Oh, oh, oh, you mean, if you're taking pictures of fireworks. It's the same thing as pictures of a concert. And I get that initial urge. You're experiencing something.

You go, I want to, how do I remember this? I have a device in my pocket to capture this. And then you do it and you go, well, what the fuck am I doing? But I get it. Yeah. I get it. I thought you meant pictures of fireworks that hadn't been experienced. exploded yet like taking a picture of like the setup like from a magazine that's cooler

yeah but pictures of the i got the video got the got the grand finale that's i mean can't be doing that uh all right this one's from back to the poor house in school when i was 12 i stole someone's rice crispy squares bar and i got caught my excuse was my grandfather died yesterday i don't get it but i fucking respect it dude that's awesome that a great That's like That's like pure panic You just go what will get me out of this My grandfather died

Yeah And if he did I respect for using the real excuse I don't know I'm so sad His grandpa It's okay But that's like He worked at Rice Krispies

Shoot It was his favorite dessert That's also I get you jammed up Because if you lie about that And they call home Because you got caught stealing or whatever And they go

Sorry about your loss you're talking, he died in Pearl Harbor Fuck, you jammed up Mitsubishi's hero got him I refused to drive a Golan Ultimas are okay But I will let my kids steal treats Yeah, that's tough

I've never really got caught in that kind of I've never really had a I got caught in that and had the lie really I never had like any big lie or if that it's true I've never tried to get out using some

Excused excuse like that I don't think I've ever really got caught in that kind of sense Hmm I spun lies still do no of course but I know I'm part of the job no I'm a professional But like even as a kid world's worst liar even as a kid I was a liar But not like just to keep my narrative you know what I mean not like I know I know I know I know exactly what you mean you do it today you do it all day every day things that people but don't need to know. Shoot. Who weighed all the hot dogs?

I don't know, ma. Probably the dog. If I had the guess. Yeah. Definitely you lie to not be in trouble. I mean, like, because my dad would lose it. So it was like, don't. I think most scratching yourself.

Yeah, I scratch myself with my glasses. Oh, that's good. That gets in there. I need a back scrubber. Mm-hmm. Person. Sure. If anybody out there.

I just scratch. I love getting my back scrapped. I get a grizzly. Okay. I think there's a healthy amount of line that needs to be done within the siblings to the parents. Not all information should travel up the organizational chart to mom and dad. Need to know basis.

You don't need to know. certain things kept between me and my brother oh of course it happens between us we'll get over they don't fucking don't you know never all that kind of stuff i get that line to keep homeostasis of a parent losing it i get in someone in trouble whatever whatever um we never really rat it i don't think we did either no never rat it never even like when we would never throw that in each other's face it was always done through physical violence. Yeah. Which I usually got the shippy. I mean, he's fucking two years old of them. Stuffed my head in the couch. I'd be fucking freak out.

Stuck crying to me. I thought I was going to suffocate. But there's air down there. What fuck was I worried about? I don't know. You should just panic me. Seemed to be over. You are a squirrely man.

yeah we didn't uh we always kept kept everything you know tell my mom my mom was a bit of a was the more of a pushover just because like the threat of physical violence wasn't really there you know what i mean she'd smack it all right him danny yeah not me so much but it's also like she don't want to get butter on her hands I'm covered in butter. Because you're a fat little bastard. I get it, but what was I doing? You were eating rolls with butter on it,

and you got all over your face. Somebody DM me last week or two weeks ago, whatever it was. It was a bag of Amaroso rolls and a jar of peanut butter. And they're like, Kippy, because that's my, I was my go to. They're like, I'll still crush that. You go, Kippy, this is diabolical. How did you do this? I loved it.

You need an ice cold glass of milk. The gallon comes out to the coffee table with you. Oh, for sure. And you get peanut butter all over that thing And then your mom yells at you Because there's peanut butter all over to Wait a minute All over what the rim of the gallon?

No, the handle and stuff Because I got it all my hand That stuff's sticky I don't know if you've had it recently I bet you were drinking that out of there No Your peanut butter backwash No, oh no

And the glass looks like you dug it up out of the backyard Because that's covered in peanut butter That's covered in peanut butter I remember I do you put a couple of fucking Hers thin crispy pretzels in there, give a nice crunch to it? Oh, my God.

Talk about Q1. I know it's a new merch we're making is. Peanut butter sandwiches. Sell them at shows. That's my bad. The venues don't let you sell food and beverage. I try. Dix.

Jerko, let me wet my beak. I already want your fucking potato skin. Some guys want a peanut butter sandwich on a long roll. Everybody's mouth all sticky. No one's laughing. Everyone's drinking milk getting sleepy Here's my thing First of all

Gay guys Peanut butter milk might not be bad What? What? Wait gay guys Peanut butter I was living in this scene Yeah

Peanut butter milk might not be bad That's gotta be That's what I'm saying I'm Mexican No that's what I'm saying I know We can make it I know but what would it be

Peanut butter milk you fucking moron You put it in there and shake it up With a little sugar yelling at me. Because you're not getting the idea. You're just saying peanut butter. Is it like almond milk? No.

Okay. Well, you can see how I would go that way. Get peanut butter. Peanut is a nut. Put peanut. Is there not peanut milk? I'm not using that shit. I don't know.

I said that. What? I'm talking about a sweet, like, coffee milk or like chocolate milk. Peanut butter milk. Is that a thing? There's a lot of chocolate peanut butter milks, but no straight up peanut butter milks. Ooh. I'm out.

that's how you that's going to get you cancer or something you can't do that first of all peanut butter won't dilute in a fucking in a glass of milk shit he'll get one of those things that you put the pain in a rock tumbler come back in three weeks you guys do you want peanut butter milk in three to five weeks um but what i was going to say with the with the the glass can hear my rock tumbler yeah smelling them chemis or whatever you went in there the glass i go out to a nice joint you know what you're talking about i'm sorry you how dirty you get the glass from the peanut butter and amarosa sandwiches with the milk and a pretz was in the middle a couple peas in the m

yeah but it's peanut milk a thing you got almond milk there's not you know why you know why i mean no no no neither okay you're a smart guy putting pretzels in your sandwich Why isn't no peanut butter milk You don't fucking know There is peanut milk There has to be They don't get the fucking almond and pistache

And then just stop it peanuts That would be pretty good You put that Reese's puffs Does it taste like peanuts Because does almond taste like almond milk? It just tastes like cardboard Stinks My wife's got all that kind of shit

It's whack man Dumb Kippy Oat milk ain't banned You throw it out of coffee It all tastes like It tastes like a book It tastes like a textbook

Peanut milk's more in the world of oat milk or almond milk It's just like it's a milk substitute It's not a peanut butter flavored milk I like Thai iced tea Get out of here with all that shit It's evaporating milk Very good popular I don't get to you that I don't get all that stuff

You don't like Thai iced tea I don't think I ever had it It's good It's like a tea, but it's sweet and milky. I got Snapple. What am I doing? Going to Thailand for tea. I'm not going to Thailand.

I'm bringing it out of here. Now, that and a bubble tea, don't trust it. Love it. I love a brown sugar boba. I don't like the black bobas. It's like black licorish. I feel like I'm sucking up cabbbyard. That's for you.

It's not for me. I like the aesthetic of all those places. The Japanese, like, stores it all? Yes, very much with you a day. You feel like you're in a cartoon. You know what I mean? Where superheroes exist. You're in like Pokemon or something.

Yeah. Hey, hello kitty. Check in, will you? Where to add? What? Listen. What? Trying to tell you something.

You don't know. You don't know. You didn't know what you were. No, I did. Going back to what you were saying, the glass would be all dirty. I go to a place. We'll be right back. I go to a place and if I'm doing wine and I'm eating like, you know,

I'm going in on like a meat and cheeseboard I get that on the thing And that's gross Not enough for me But other people Like you can't have like Like a milk mustache on your wine glass So I'll take my napkin and go around

And clean it every once in a while Then take the scraps from that Suck on it Which seems to turn people off Yeah I've caught people looking at me That man is cleaning his glass We're doing in the bathroom

Yeah, that's a little, you know, I get it But I would say you're not And I'm not saying I'd do this I would say I'll include myself now We're not eating properly No We're not like taking

You're not supposed to bite and sip No, of course But you're also supposed to like There's not even supposed to be crumbs around your You know You shouldn't have fucking salami Residue on your lips when you're taking Sips of wine

What's the point though? I don't know I'm just saying. What's the point? I'm covered in peanut butter right now. I don't know. I like when it's all mixed up in there. It turns into something else like they said and rat that Dewey.

We've said it a million times on this program. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. What? Who's that? Kelly Clarkson. No, it's not. That's what it's all about.

You put your left foot in, you put your right foot in, that thing. You put your salami in, you take a cracker out, you put your thong in there. What's that called? Doopy? Hold on. The hokey pokey. Uh-huh. Man, there's a, there's a video of my uncle Pat doing the hokey pokey at, uh... I thought that that sucked from jumping. At Sarah's, like, communion party.

So it's like Sarah, Catherine, and Jenny all had their first coley community at the same time. It was that, like a roller scare. Or is that it was at, like a... There was about a thousand people. Elkslaw. Oh, it's so many people. They had their graduation parties. Three girls communion part?

It's crazy. My uncle Pat, I don't know. He's going to text me when he hears this or his boy's going to text him. I think he might. I'd have had a couple in them. But he's probably, if Sarah's eight, he's fucking 20. Uh-huh. You know what I mean?

He's like young guy, and this is the 80s. So he's got, like, the white tank top on, tucked into the jeep. So white tank top. Funged into the white jeet. That's what he ordered his christening or the communion? Uh-huh. It's a summertime. We wore a tank top in church?

No, not a church. It's at the party. No, I know, but you go to the party right after the... I don't think he was. he went to the, I don't think he went to the church. Man, you're skipping the church on a commune? I think most people did. The community was probably just for close.

I mean, there's probably 200 people at this, the VFW or wherever we were at. Gotcha. And they were doing a hokey pokey. And he's on like our, this is why we don't have family video. I think this was the first one. And this came out. And everybody said, yo, this is bad. We're going to get fucking jammed up.

Sure. We got a couple of tapes. He's in the high socks with like the high, like, you know, he looks like he's in fucking white man can jump and he's i think he's doing the hokey pokey and like yeah i was just like that was the last time any dude danced at any sort of family function and he's that's the last time any sullivan hit the dance yeah he was having a good time with the kids but i think got razz for it if i remember that's i have that memory i do uh rosy what's it um rosy posey no pocket full of wait wait red rover red rober i used to like that steam rolling the

I can't take out a bunch of fucking eight-year-olds. Send Henry over here nominating yourself. Getting snares. Ah! Ring around the Rosie. What is all that shit? Pocketful of pose. That shit that fucking evil clown seduce it down to the sewers with.

What? Yeah. That's got real deary vibes. I keep seeing. clips of that shit god is that the same dude well you know that that song refers to like the black death plague in london what ring around the rosies pocket full of posies ashes ashes we all fall down it's like it's all like uh about kind of like the Victorian era and yeah it's uh what's a posy i believe it was something they would put like on the dead people like a flower

what the fuck is that yeah first of all that song's from fucking the 1700s something like that Yeah. That's never getting sung in my house again. I don't care who the kid is. Oh, I thought you and Patty were doing it. Okay. That's scary. I didn't like London Bridges either.

No. Sounds like a national tragedy. Bridge fell down. I hope it wasn't rush hour. We're doing it. How many people perished and we're singing about this? That didn't fall down. It's fine.

I've seen it. No, I saw it on TV. And the song it falls. London Bridge is falling down. Not just once. That's got to be something against the matriarchy or patriarchy. See, if you can get that. And also, I'm thinking about the GWB.

This is a fucking America. Yeah. I'm thinking about these fucking red coats. I don't like that. Hello. I'm not doing nursery. I was about fucking the Twin Towers. They might be.

I don't know, certain parts of the Mideast. A couple guys on monkey bars, I'm sure. Got a few tunes are up. Hey, talking about the Greeks? Hold on. Tell, please. How come every time I'm going to go down my London, London, That turns me on.

Have you seen that music video? Maybe that's why. I can't recall, but maybe that's why. Is it Fergie? Fergie at her peak. Man, Fergie at her peak. You know there was a girl before Fergie? Yeah.

It was all like political and stuff like that? Yeah. We've seen a TikTok. Yeah. That L.A. Reed got his hands on it. Yeah, I can play ball. L.A. Reed's got to have all the money in the world. Probably does well.

London Bridge is about the repeated, repeated collapse and rebuilding of the London Bridge. Jesus Christ, I was joking, but I was right. I know. That rosy-posey song freaks me out now. These Brits got a fucking, that's... Get me a timestamp on that. Yeah, let me...

I think it's... I think popular culture might have, like, redone it. Yeah, made it about that, but let me find a little more detail. A little freaky fucking British kids. It's fucking dancing around your body as you're laying there. And fucking, all fucked up. Mid-19th century song. So, 1800s.

What the fuck? Wait, is that when the plague was? No, I believe the play was 17-something. God damn it. No old songs like that. I can't even listen to those songs like, you know, like from, like, I can't. Nothing before the sticks. Russian knew her.

I love the name Sticks. Such a funny name. You got Sticks, Sticks. That's from something I don't know what it is I got stick stick It was a big daddy Sandler loves the stick

Sandman hit me up Timothy shallamee Call me None of that crap Listen I know it's historical But the stuff from like The Depression on That sounds like it was

Talk about the worst summer ever It was recorded in a can None of that stuff Okay Nothing where people had soot on them Yeah That's a good rule. When people wore like they would wear like a wolf mask and stuff like that, like creepy pictures.

What are you talking? You know what I'm talking about. I don't know where you're talking. Any of that stuff. The ring around the rosy describes a symptom such as the red ring rashes or red inflammation that occurred on the skin during this time. Who the fuck wrote that? How'd that get on the air? That's crazy.

Yes, we'll sing Ring Around the Rosie. It's like that thing from fucking Sinister would be singing that. Also, you ever see Sinister when they do that... Well, they got all those fucking... They got the boners and stuff in the Disney movies. We're ain't no better. That's all the 20s and 30s, too. Fucking freaks.

No, I'm talking about Sinister. It's the Little Tim movie, the Little Tim song, Tiny Tim. Oh. That's playing in hell or whatever to fuck that. I don't know what that is. You never seen Sinister? No. You would never sleep again.

Has a tiptoe through the window. Yes. From the windows, they're the walls. Till the sweat drop down my ball. Oh, you bitchy's gross. I'm going to wear my dogs at. Fuck all that old shit. That's scary.

Yeah, I don't do none of that. I'm sure my wife's going to put some fucking crampist style shit. She's going to be singing some fucking medieval. Yeah. You know. Some German fable about the wolves eating the kids. Get out of here with that shit, man. They do something where they stick.

That's how you guys got all jammed up. They stick their shoes out in the hallway. I go, no one's coming. We're not doing it. Why? Some crampus comes and puts candies in there or something like that. That wolf thing? Or steals your shoes.

I don't know. I don't listen to this, bro. I said, this is America. You bring your shoes inside the house. That's fucked up. And if somebody wants to come and steal your shoes, that might be a sex crime. Yeah. Yeah, look at the thing for the feet.

See how crampas does with a fucking 12 gauge. Fucking shoot the fair one in the hallway with me. Who the fuck buzzed you in? Said you with a UPS man You're lying piece of shit You can work with your fangs out Trying to have dinner in here Trying to bang this brook

Yeah We gotta wrap it up though gang What a fun one What a goofy one Gang we hope you had a happy holiday season We love you as very much And we'll see you next week Peace