Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Gimme a Kidney w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Are You Garbage is back with a Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Buy the New Years Day Livestream w/ Are You Garbage and Special Guests https://www.moment.co/ayg NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Liquid IV: https://www.liquidiv.com Promo Code: Garbage Rex MD: https://www.rexmd.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

gang let's talk about that live stream baby we're doing it live January 1st live from toady 7 o'clock eastern standard time it's going to be a good good time come hang out with us we're gonna have some friends over we're gonna have a little appearance from denise and patty a couple of pops come hang with the boys yeah it's gonna be a good time baby link is in the description moment.co slash a yg and that ain't it we got our third show on sale right now at the Gramercy Theater baby the army of garbage came correct in new york city sold out two shows we added our third links in the description let's party baby friday february third we'll see you there see you there welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your

favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage hey will show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they're going to be classy yeah they're just a big old piece of trash trash trash trash i'm your host h foley coming at you on a beautiful day we're down here in antoody's basement she's upstairs making a nice fresh batch of coquito okay for her new boyfriend all right yeah i told him i'm not calling him dad calling him poppy though what's that hoot starts flying around you ever have that shit yeah i live in the heights did what are you talking about god damn

i korumba let me eggnog schmegnog go keep though put you on your ass uh-huh my co-host is coming at you from across the table he is the ceo of are you garbage he is an international business man he's my best pal in the whole wide world kj kevin james ryan thanks for tuning in as always please make sure your rate view subscribe on itunes all video available and youtube as you know those numbers are cooking 102 high fever over there yeah you gotta get you to the hospital dad you put some Tylenol in that thing yikes put you in an ice bath let's cool it down we love you gang uh and obviously um it's the greatest website of all time it's life changing shout out to sam yam jack concy the whole gang over there patreon.com and if you do go over to patreon.com go a little

deeper check out slash r u garbage you get bonus episodes episodes of hard feelings we've got a shit ton of behind the scenes content stuff on the road we got the davin busters we got our cribs we got down the shore we got the camping video we got everything you ever want over there check it out i think it's a bajillion hours legally pat bending it's a good time over there i'll tell you that shout out to that hard feelings and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good works to ones and twos crosses the t's dots the eyes give it up pretty bone Mcscroffins toby mcmolyn what's up what's up dudes what's up pal you ever throw any brandy in your eggnog a little irk and jerk in there never had brandy is that e and

j oh yeah oh man i mean shit some these tall man these two older kids i was in college a freshman in college i was the only one of the fake idea they were seniors they made me go in and buy them e and j and i didn't know what it was but it was too much of a bubble gummer to ask so i asked the guy at the front desk i'm like hey where'd he keep the e and j he's like over by the brandy i'm like what's that barely had to fuck him barely had hair on my balls fake mustache on your forehead yeah i always stayed away from that shit tell you get molested you get involved in that stuff e and j that stuff was too romantic that was in that was a brandy was for like fucking swingers dude no just regular dude was drinking brandy i didn't have a fireplace like yeah i couldn't drink it

i didn't have i didn't have a bear rug to lay out on drink my brandy spread my butthole of my family was not a brandy that's when you were caught up in e and j god damn the water you're off the sauce jesus christ doing brandy as a kid he's drinking night train in high school look out uh urkajerk top tier is that the name of it or is that what you and your skateboard buddies call that's what everybody calls it on the streets i i don't think i've ever had just knew e and j i i bought them something else too i was like they gave me like 40 bucks to buy me and j came out with captain morgan hey baby this is close enough another top tier booze nickname is the seagram's jen bumpy face what's that the bottle's all bumpy i don't know if i've ever really i stay away from jen too because

it gives you that the nose gives you a jen blossom jen blossom i'm going around like rudolf man my step dad's step uncle or who somebody on his side of family how one of them i carumba i remember being seven me like hey keep fred away from me will you hey just make sure he comes by after dinner okay i'm eating over here yeah let me get this skinny in me before he starts wrapping on the door yeah yeah yeah um that was tough uh fuck wasn't god damn i had something good i lost it i'm sorry i wanted to ask is this um is it trash to take pills yeah hang on a second uh-huh ladies and gentlemen hang on one second um is it trash to take pills with no water yeah yeah that's how i i i raw dog them really yeah because i keep them in orca yeah i keep them in where like where my

shaving kit is i just i just leave my oh they're just out so they have like hair stubble on them and stuff no they're not they're not fucking where there's originals in my pocket they're in their bottles okay but i just leave everything in my shaving kit okay so i don't got to pack it up when we skedaddle out on the road because you never know when the heat's gone so what's that have to do with having a glass of water there's no water in that i don't i just go in there and like where is that at it's in my booed war in the in the bedroom yeah so i just take it out and pop them in and just hard swat there's no water in there i understand what you look like you look like you're in the god damn sahara there's water i'm not bringing a glass of water in from the kitchen

and are you walking in the kitchen with it in your hand i got four i got three bottles i got to take my lipitor like it's three beta blocker play three plays in my nexium and my in my aspirin four pills you put four pills in your hand you're walking in the kitchen filled with glass of water like my winstrel you got to take that but that's a cream is it what that's a cream no i know i do you the liver king got outed today yikes or at some point he's all jew he's all jew stopped that fucking guy the guy who looks inflated the guy who looks like steroids yeah he's on fucking steroids people say i'm on steroids oh who says that a lot of people because you're swollen because you're all puffy all jacked up but is that bad to take i wonder if it's bad for you to

take it like that i don't know t-bone can you get on that it's probably not good i'm sure it says you know something with the liver hey speaking of which i'm the king of it um yeah it's probably something it's got to do something with help but dissolve otherwise the fucking your stomach acids are eating it yeah that ain't good yeah maybe it it's not i don't know uh it increases the chance of getting stuck in your esophagus next thing you are fucking you know beta blockers in your throat burping up beta blocker beta blocker burps man i took i took i took fish oil for a little while oh yeah you smell like the bay dude burping those things up so you got a bad crab uh i had a bad soft shell earlier i promise i'll take the heart attack i'm not fucking

coughing that up yikes yeah that stuff stinks uh it takes longer for them to work and it can uh irritate the lining of your esophagus and it's probably ain't doing great for you already no it's not all right i gotta get on the water gotta get on the water i'll start how unhealthy it is i'll start going out water i'll start to hear a lot of stuff about aquaman i'll see what this is all about i can breathe under water um yeah i'll start taking in with water i thought it might be bad i thought of it this morning i wanted to ask you boys if that's tray yeah i my mine is also i keep all my do you take pills i didn't know if you took yeah i take my uh hair growth pills you do uh-huh that's the Advil when i'm hung over is that is that the only thing you take uh publicly

yeah a couple of ed rockers i'm on a heavy supply of blue chew well that's doable don't need water um kids walking around with a fresh one all day uh no i just do uh but i just do the the pro peach pro peach what about youtube when you want any medication no should be though yeah something get this guy a fucking syringe full of razzle pans that fucking sarah quill and soda something calm this kid that is off his rockage that's probably not something we can ask everybody well what do you what do you what hey what are you fucking what are you boofing now you can't even pop it i'm on everything about roller skates now you can't ask that that's a private thing sure everybody wants to come up

and then and share the stuff sure what pills you're on and who'd you vote for yeah two things with two things people do not like talking about you know they change they you know the rule was that they couldn't give um they couldn't give results over the phone i think during the pandemic that's all out the door yeah it's all out the door because i got my i got all my blood work and they're like if there's something if there's something shifty we'll call you and she never called and all my stuff's all all nice there's a couple of things i don't know you look at it you're like i want a phone call sure let me know one time i got a sg test man i don't make they sometimes you slip through the cracks and they kick in limbo and then you're about to jump off the

fucking george washington bridge or so i hear this was my cholesterol and my blood sugar i got jammed up and fucking at city md man whoo man yikes they called me and they go they go aids no herpes no chlamydia it just says okay hey this guy likes to party it's like what does that mean uh it's funny i call i had one time they were like you're gonna they're like hey we'll email you by the end of the day or within 24 hours or whatever it was you know what i mean like you'll get like a secured email to log into your portal or whatever well that never came so i remember

sitting at work sweating it out right just it's one and then you start i don't know about everybody else out there but i can i can convince myself i got fucking anything oh me too if i'm waiting on a fucking diet sure i got uterine cancer if you make myself believe if i need it so i'm like uh i knew i had menopause i know you're pre-menopausal fuck god damn it fucking knew it you're gonna have to do a hysterectomy on you um shouldn't watch golden girls all those years i shout out to it baby uh god damn b arthur camey menopause blanche um blanche was a piece rue mccoy wasn't that one somebody rue mclanahan mclanahan yeah i can name them all betty white quarter off that b arthur uh stell getty and rue mclanahan yeah yeah the stars of the golden

school took a run at her she was a freshman i was a senior um no and i so i so did nothing and then i called you know 48 hour whatever like way past the window of me supposed to get in the email and they're like thank god you called we've been trying to get a hold of me trying to get a hold of me the fuck do i got lady we thought you were dead still alive holy shit got to a hospital i panicked pop that thing in a cooler full ice scientists come in with that's the spacesuits on like when they got eaten yikes shoot a net at me you got it in milk like a tooth that fell out of it pull out my wiener my wiener got it was that what you do you put it in milk your tooth yeah they say when you're too i have

a shout out to my one of my best pals growing up ended up curb stomping himself he was rollerblading he owed himself money he was rollerblading kid doesn't mess around and caught a hanger and fucking fell and he just so happened right on the curb she fucked his whole shit up they threw his teeth and fucking a glass of tube someone's a get milk on my buddy that was not the time for cereal they got a goddamn emergency over here but if you get it how could you how could you use zero time like this but if you ain't got cinnamon toast crunch i'll take a bowl pour a cup to go get a cup of coffee get my head on straight it's actually a pretty good idea

that also gives me two lumps and a splash of cream huh hey you got some scrambies back there i'll do that as well if we're doing it full breakfast hold the potatoes i'm trying to watch my car and maybe some soup for my boy do you have any oatmeal back there for uh are you good you're all right hey whistles you want anything what the fuck do you put it in milk for it's uh that's gotta be a wives tale uh no i i think i did recently look this up like maybe you're putting your teeth back together no it does do say k keeps the root it can keep the root alive or promote root growth or since calcium it's all ivory or whatever not ivory but you know what are you all fucking elephant yeah you are

i know you went for me kind of walked into that couple of poachers get me milk contains certain substances that help the tooth stay quote unquote alive including sugars that the cells need to survive yeah i don't think it's like and you can put it back i think you can put it back in yeah i think like if the if it's all you know yeah well you don't crazy glue it yeah i mean yeah like they do you don't do it at the crib they take care of it for you it's like an implant but if it's alive you don't even think about it you put a dead implant in there one of my cousins i don't have one of my little baby cousins just fell and the tooth went up into their hey yeah but they don't take it out they just let it naturally come out because

otherwise you'd have to go in there and like do surgery on them that little baby it'll grow out yeah they don't know they don't really know that it's in there if i knew that i would i'd get a fucking pair of pliers and yank it out that would freak me out i remember i had i don't even like the idea of wisdom teeth i think that's real weird dude they give me so much anxiety i don't ask any questions about them and this conversation's even making me nervous have you had them what wisdom teeth you hadn't taken out uh no i could feel them all right i got a couple of halfies oh i got one creeping in did fucking peeking around the corner i got one's almost like a full blunt tooth i don't know if you should be good don't hurt and not one time it did real bad

i was drunk i'm missing a tooth there so i almost fucking tom hanks didn't cast away with an oh really no every once in a while every once in a while it gets really sore back there yeah that's shit that's the weather or something you know what i mean keep it moving i'm not going to a dentist starting a radio off have you had your wisdom teeth taken out i have i went to visit my mom my family she did it i got off the plane and she goes oh yeah i scheduled you to get your wisdom teeth removed i was like what the fuck i'm here for vacation now that's no fun that's got they gotta you gotta let them come out a little bit can't just go in there and get them one of the holes is too deep they really dug it in so my back tooth is like sagging backwards i got a weird

pair of pants in the nineties what are we doing here i got some jinko canines what about your tonsils you're already your tonsils taken out yep and when i what the fuck what's left of you you're just a floating ahead in a jar anymore toby they pulled me out of the er all he's missing all this stuff but he's still got his foreskin goes to one of the planes at the intrepid museum nothing on the inside that is a deep cut oh my god speaking of root canals were you just reading to get 101 best planes that's done too what are we doing here what they pulled me out of throwing rocks at it out of the operating room uh i was on my side my grandmother rolled me over and they hadn't cauterized whatever enough so i just started bleeding out of my mouth

that she was like what the fuck they're like oh sorry like we'll be back well this one's not done yet don't take all your pain pills you got to finish them in the broiler for a little bit save me some percocets yikes tonsils no i don't like that either nope well i still got everything i supposed to have my ad noids taken out because i was snoring when i was seven what shot out to dr barbara gary barbara the car dealership no hannah barbara one of the barbeirs from the hannah barbara love him um he was uh are you being serious yeah he was he was related to his cousin really all that jesson's money yeah shout out to dr barbara he was my doctor he was my last primary care physician as well no kidding he birthed me all the way through

like we were like a little house in the prayer he was my doctor my all of our doctors from the barbarians from hannah barbara or from philly look what his cousin i know his cousin was barbara from hannah barbara that's pretty cool um shout out to them yeah i don't know uh if they are from philly or not are they you know that's just where they what's your ad noids i don't know tibum get something on an ad noid and where the barbara is from not fc kerbat it's at the back of your nasal passages they also i also don't have those they took those out too shit your parents your parents were selling you for spare parts you have a you you have you have an evil brother somewhere that's stacked no wonder i no wonder why you guys were in mexico for a while waking up

in a fucking bathtub full of ice and with a couple of cookies they're like christian bale and ford versus ferrari throwing shit out of the car holy shit that's crazy no tonsils no wisdom teeth no ad noids you still have your appendix yeah both kidneys uh yeah yeah yeah i got a set okay would you donate a kidney and who would it have to be oh this is fun this is a little hard feelings but man i don't know would you give me a kidney well here's the thing i would you take his kidney i don't know you got two pints of folio buddy man it's borrowing stuff from my kidneys jerry that's a seinfeld line folks uh well the good news is i wouldn't be eligible to do any of that oh you can't go under not yeah post i'd start doing a heroin immediately why so they wouldn't let me

do it oh you wouldn't give me one even if they were like i would want to but i'm on heroin i'd be disqualified yeah because you started doing heroin so you didn't have to give me a kidney that's how it starts buddy that's fucked up dude would you give me a kidney sure really huh yeah probably lose a couple pounds too i tighten up a little bit yeah i'd give you a kidney i don't think you would t-bonus show up late and i made a wrong turn i'd die flatline if something happened to luke i'd give you one wait if something happened to luke then we got no option wait what if luke let's say so you wouldn't give do you wouldn't save toby's life because we have luke working for us that is that is that your rationale only that if luke quit you would then save toby's life if

toby needed it it's a business what are the dollars and cents on a kidney huh you bill them for it make them make them pay you back over time now i would give you both my kidney i give you the shirt off my back i don't need i don't need anything to cover my boat i'm not gonna get a kidney kid let's talk about rex md oh yeah this goes out to all the limp noodles out there emphasis on the d you know what i mean boys you having trouble getting it up uh i know i am yeah you need something what are we doing here pepping your step let's go i know gang we all need to help at times getting the old fucking joystick working sure you know what i mean rex md makes getting generic viagra and cialis easy and simple and do yourself a favor if you need some hit them up oh yeah baby uh

the rex md has made the whole process very simple and just a few clicks at a button i went on a website bang bang boom for research purposes obviously give me the maximum strength stuff you hear that uh something you can swing from let's go you talk to a medical professional you create a personalized plan and get the products discreetly shipped straight to your door within two days viagra can't come around viagra can cost around 90 a pill rex med generic viagra is just as effective and as low as a two dollars a pill baby moving on the block uh more than two bucks a nut let's go more than just ed medication check out rex md's other medications for sexual health hair growth pain relief and sleep aid rex md is fda approved

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feeling your best self baby yeah get yourself some liquid ivy it's absolutely fantastic hydrates you a lot quicker than regular water like a boozo oh yeah and it comes in 10 fantastic flavors we're talking grape lemon line and my favorite tropical punch god big man does love a tropy punch uh get your head on street one stick of liquid ivy and 16 ounce of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone baby the single serve packaging helps you stay hydrated on the go the good folks over there liquid ivy were nice enough to send us boxes and it's not there you go i got it coming out my ears i got the whole family hooked on it it's good stuff i use it after a night of boozing i use it this morning not gonna lie i'm on a i'm on a little

liquid ivy right now there you go concord great baby who takes me back to childhood all right contains five essential vitamins b3 b5 b6 b12 you need bees we got them and they got vitamin c contains three times the electrolytes than traditional sports drinks me with premium ingredients liquid ivy is free from gluten dairy and soy here's the turkey grab your liquid ivy in bulk nationwide at cosco or you can get 20 off if you go to liquid ivy dot com use the code garbage at checkout that's 20 off anything you order when you shop for better hydration today using promo code garbage at liquid ivy dot com do it no of course yeah if i had to yeah my family tight friends yeah if it was going to save their life of course yeah how close of a friend i want to

find out where the line is oh i i only got the two is i got you two i mean we all don't need them but i'm saying what like i only got two kidneys fellas now uh yeah tight friends and family okay gonna have one of your eyes which one i don't know the lazy one seem they both are all right let's get into this is a god damn family episode yeah what are we doing here all this kidney talk uh when you sign up for the patreon over there we will ask your garbage question on here it's just the best way to do it folks whose patrons get numero uno priority they're flying first class those patreon that's right sure they pay a couple bucks a lot of perks well worth it and once you go you can't leave we should have a part of it it's

the first class is the first clip it's business class of patreon we should have a perk plan that'd be nice perk plan diamond status gold status we thought we were still talking pills that's it we get a bunch of pills if i gave you a kidney sure that yeah there you go all right fair enough there you go um all right this one is from my cock which i think is a my cock ever wore cologne on a beach that's a real italian thing i presume cologne on a beach uh no was never a real big cologne guy i wasn't in high school a little bit and college if i was going out i'd spruce up with some polo sport or polo black polo sports all right that's the blue the blue that was a little too sweet polo black really got the lady the green one was nice the original no

that's the trashiest the green one really i believe so i was just talking to tommy pope about this i wonder what he uses for their uh i don't know i think he did tell me i don't think he does much though a little dab little dab yeah it's all those pheromones coming off guys pumping out fucking sexy um i work cologne every day what that's what i don't know what it is marlboro reds what are you talking about i work cologne i have cologne on now well how do you not know what it is though i can't remember the i can't remember the brand um bod no it's nice something nice i think you would know i don't i'm not buying any i have two bottles i have one that i take with me when we go on the road and i have another one that's a little bit sweeter i've never known you

to smell nice not bad but also not nice that's because i don't i don't go over the top with it it it neutralizes everything neutralizes there's a lot of bad smells that that's neutralized oh yeah dude okay it's like the iron dome okay that makes the patriot missile system uh one of those things that makes sense okay all right uh yeah i don't even think i have cologne at all cologne deodorant spray i've gone over this yeah it's a whole thing but i just use a little bit i put a little on my neck in case i so when i give the hug when i do that when i you know you hug somebody like that just nice little smells good put a little on my wrist going you're jerking off make it feel like another dude

uh rub yeah rub that together a little bit and then this is sebastian meniscalco he he showed you how to do it unlike an instagram video or something like that you do that you do that it's like seven spritzes or and then you put your clothes on and then you go one two three four or something like that then you walk into the mist yeah that's how i do it bread Ernst is a big uh maybe it was urx yeah it was Ernst i think okay roseo donnell used to do 40 squirts she said really squirts of cologne of perfume okay could be cologne i don't know could be brute shout out to bruce shout out to rosie i used to watch your show all the time i loved it the roseo donnell show is 11 a i believe 10 a.m on sick days even before that when she hosted that stand-up show on vh1 i loved her and

that i think that was before back before i was banging and she's in something now is she in the old man with uh no she's in fucking uh american jiggalo on showtime i haven't watched with uh john burnthal who she's fantastic she plays like um the lady that runs cadmus for suicide squad oh martha waller yes um is it martha waller ah amanda waller amanda waller she has a very a very amanda waller vibe she's great yeah she's really good in it shout out to rose shout out to rose 40 pumps that's what she said i remember thinking that's crazy yeah 40 squirts i've seen that video when i had my tonsils taken out no one was who uh all right let's see here this one's from jenki uh you or anyone you know ever claimed to be the victim of a family curse

i've been told i had the irish curse but that's just me i know i do no family curses a lot of there's a lot in my family and in my surrounding god if it wasn't for bad luck i'd have no luck at all really and a lot of god damn i can't catch a fucking break the kennedys were cursed they say i also thought there was a you know there was 50 of them and they were all alcoholics you're bound to lose a couple doing accident here and there you know what i mean stuff i got one flying a plane got another guy driving drunk what are we doing here yeah i don't mess with that stuff yeah curses uh uh stay away not my kind of not my kind of vibe but yeah no uh i feel like to be like real like uh old country type shit you know what i mean gypsy type stuff

cursed the family took some you take somebody's land that's what they do yeah curse yeah some sort of ancient burial as well something i just found out that uh or i just saw that washington square park is buried on is a huge burial ground no i thought that was thompson square park now this is well washington square i'm sure thompson square too thompson square park i believe is where they used to bury all like the it was a potter's field what they called us field where they bury the uh ashes no where they bury the hot josh potters the whole potter potter crew down there talking about cursed yeah yeah the whole family um walk in your eyesight goes bad no they have the potter's potter's ground is where they bury people that

don't have any family and stuff like that i believe that was 20 000 people buried under there yeah yeah that's what they say thompson square park that's why it's like extra seedy at night that's why all the kooks go there where all the crazed thompson square park well the crazies go there because they say it's like all those where they would bury all the homeless yikes back in like you know whatever same thing in philly the washington park in philly where's that at it's downtown by the liberty bell um is an old is an old burial ground but i think that's not why wouldn't i think it's soldiers and stuff like take them out the city limits throw them on a horse in carriage do something i don't know bury them at sea you bury them right next to the fucking bodega

what are we doing here no yikes um all right this one's from fully lies i didn't come up with the name fair enough uh you's ever been to an erotic expo no no i don't they don't make i've been to one expo i think i've talked about it was like the windows oh no i used to work i used to work you went to the car show i had been to the car show because my boy's dad worked in the auto industry so we would like it would go for that but um no i went to one member remember at the like valley forge convention center or whatever one of them hearing on the radio you know it was stickers and it was like rock and roll or something i don't know what it was it stunk right away we walked in i was like in dorks and my dad's like what i tell you i knew this was gonna suck

i was like all right man let's just do a quick laugh and get out see if there's any chicks here let me get the ground around let me get out of here it's a goddamn football game on um i owed uh avian awards look like they'd be a good time yeah that's also like kind of pretty intertwined with comedy i know like a bunch of people have hosted i think norton's hosted him a bunch imagine there's a lot of sex going on yeah man i think you go up in those rooms it's all freaking naughty really yeah yeah yeah and my hands on that just do a little watching i mean you get the greats together they're gonna play the game i know what are you talking about you don't think this is a pickup game after the nba all-star weekend it's the pro bowl

you know like they're meeting up at the Y and having a dunk contest yeah now i've never been to a sex expo no i don't know i wouldn't feel i see them a lot we're you know i feel like we're followed by i see that on instagram a lot like there was just one in jersey like not too far i feel like homeless pinpoint or something really yeah just like documented or something like that those the the expos of all kinds just give me bad vibes it's just like the black curtains or the blue curtain it's just all like real shoddy put together trying to sell you something yeah i'm like we're supposed to sit here and believe this is the world's best deal though what are we talking about here but how do i know i'm gonna need to see this demonstrated i'll take

my pants off which way's the bathroom all right this one's from rumple bum skin 10 dollar homie never had one read what's the trashiest item to keep your spare change in we've talked about this a couple of times you have a pole and spring right you have a half a pole and spring i had yeah but it's not the it's not i i'm switching over to i can only have two small pole and springs cut with the top cut all like these bigger than that Jesus yeah it's bad that's well i never i never was able to keep change i always needed it it was part of my fucking net worth i always had to go cash it in at some that's the trashiest i can't see anything trash here what that you that yes a fucking cut off pole and plastic if you where do you

keep your change i keep it in a little drawer a little dish in the drawer how much you gotta have well that's gotta be full though i bet you wake up with a dollar fifty stuck to your body every night oh man we used to have a huge dude that's that toby i'm like a goddamn wishing well couple of pickles yeah man for a while when i would have to fall asleep on the couch it's a wrap pre pandemic when i would have like change in my pocket yeah dude i would wake up fucking quarters nickels you make a long distance phone call yeah that's bad hundred percent just sticking to me fucking what the fuck is that i don't really have a lot of change okay so what do you do i

think you gotta do something when i was waiting tables i had tons of it and i would always i would put it in there but we use it for the laundry so it cycles in and out every kind of a card no a card for the laundry yeah i don't really about that ours old school quarters whoa yeah wow okay guys come and collect it every friday night yeah no we have a credit card system i live a nice part of town get you pretty nice lose the card constant yeah yeah put 20 bucks on lose it panic but i'm switching over to one of the big ones because i've recently got the big yeah that's what that's what it should that's classy put it so it's not classy because now we're like where do you put that you stick it over in the corner by the plant and then you save all

that money up and then you go on a little vacation with it you could save up all you could set up like 10 grand and one of those things 10 grand in there no i don't think so 10 grand and change 10 grand's a lot of money dude four grand maybe i'll give you i'll give you two i'll get you on a cruise we should go on a cruise but i want to i on ironically want to go on a cruise okay is that crazy don't it doesn't that seem like it would be all right you go hit the be a couple of beaches it's three days you get some fun you get some sun you get some that's since i found out they root through your bags also do you ever see when they get all when they hit bad seas those things start tipping everybody's going i mean that's like one in a billion i don't know those life the

belief boats have gotten a lot better oh yeah what do you think the most amount of pennies that has ever been cashed in a coin star is in a coin star pennies at a 20 thousand dollars 10 grand 13 a million pennies that's a lot of pennies pretty good 0.3 million 13 g's look at that a million pennies is 13 thousand dollars by a guy named ben franklin the ben franklin you is that a real oh i think the real ben franklin was was what do you invent the free invented electricity and goes you know what i gotta do something with these pennies the client forgot the coin star part okay i mean unless he invented it stuck the pennies in there and then and then threw it out so because he knew society wasn't

ready for it says a five gallon jug could hold maybe five k that's pretty good that's all right get you on a get you on a carnival cruise mm-hmm he ain't hitting the buffet now you're gonna have to sneak in your own booze fuck that but rooting through my luggage then they leave you somewhere what do you mean they leave you on an island if you don't get to if you don't go back to the shipping time they they ghost you there's a next one coming around fuck that yeah i don't think i could just do the locals gonna hold you i couldn't do the the rooms i'd have to have like a nice big rose those state rooms are hey probably a couple bucks no window too what the fuck am i a tian kid on the titanic the fuck out of here yeah i don't think i would i

would have a panic attack i think what if you were below the sea level two and you had a window i don't think they do that no no they don't i mean what are you talking about they're not putting in the galley down there with a mice and stuff like that no i think there's mice on those ships what do you it's like a city that mice don't the mouse don't know for all he knows he's he's going to port though my art that he's kicking it on vacation saved up my pennies yeah now i don't like that shit those things tip over fucking i don't think i don't think the water if the water goes bad everyone's got botulism they leave you stranded out there in the harbor for a couple of days then it's lawless now i think you're you're really uh i don't think

it's that bad i mean they're dude there's there there was just one that they just let in to port from the pandemic what yeah a couple of weeks ago two years later yeah they were out there uh you gotta get eyes on i'm pretty sure no way i'm pretty sure just what you should have been on it for what two and a half years i listen i want to believe you but that seems a lot that would be something that would be there'd be movies about that already there would be fucking that would be all over everything i don't know is he right he's probably right these are the things he ends up being right about but the thing is i the way he describes them i don't know how to look them up yeah boat from two years ago finally reach ship pandemic that's what i did

but everything's from 2020 yeah because that's not true i mean if that just happened i would still be in the news are you are you genuinely are you miss remembering this are you making this up it might have been a movie okay it might have been the Poseidon adventures there was one that might have been captain hook i don't know i was doing a lot of drugs do you find anything about a giant octopus was jack sparrow there i could have been watching captain Phillips before i fell asleep now there was something where uh somebody tested positive on a ship not that long ago and they left him out there for a couple of weeks for a while positive of what covid they're not still they're not going to do that's a there's no way they're jamming up a

bunch i'm telling you man they were out in the harbor it wouldn't go near i'm not saying you're wrong on that but that seems crazy they were throwing sandwiches at him get out of here you even 800 people got got covid on another cruise in sydney okay when was this uh november 12 2022 there you go have 800 people i mean but hey everybody's got it you can still bang and stuff we're all drunk still make out think about if everybody on the ship and a mono hey what do we know and might you know tomorrow is not guaranteed that whole type of thing i'd be closing on dudes left and right oh let's say we hit the promenade that guy close the blinds you're always on the poop deck uh all right this one's from jake uh big man's not going to get it but

ten dollar is it garbage that the only phone number i have memorized belongs to toby mcmillan do you know wait that you know this is the question from jake is it garbage that the only phone number i have memorized belongs to 8675309 that's what he would have guessed 911 mike jones who's mike jones do you know that you might be too young now you know maybe you're too young for that who okay it's got to be something in a rap song it is mike jones probably in 2003 came out with a what's up on mike jones hit mike jones hit the hook was call my cell phone and he said the number 281330 hit mike jones up on the low 281330800 foe yeah okay hit mike jones up on the low because mike jones about the blow and when that shit dropped i mean it was

everybody was calling it and you could barely get through and it was just like a voicemail like yo you've reached mike jones oh that's pretty cool yeah hit mike jones up whatever whatever because people were doing that for a while recently where you could text them or call them or something yeah texting's a big thing like with like a lot of comics or like people you know does it go to their actual phone i would highly doubt people salvo kind of has people texted them all day no it's just i think it's more of like it's like the email thing of like you get a text when i'm in your area you know it's like hey oh god kind of thing you know cool uh just another form of communication i know my mom's my dad's rest in peace are there any uh my brothers are there any landlines you

still know from your buddy's girl i still remember yeah i know everybody's first cell phone like vinny with the skinny ryan pat me i know my cousins i know my boy uh robbie hutchinson's old number my boy riley's number i know i remember their cell phone and their house numbers and i remember the number that i used to call for my first um hooker no close uh my first associate that i met sure you know the guy pharmaceutical sales representative my pharmaceutical sales rep was that phyzer who was that was merc it was perk mercado uh okay yeah that's that doesn't go away yeah that's burned in there maybe the last thing i say before i die call me back quick i got a party uh yeah that's yeah i'm talking about drugs i don't

do you know your do you know your lady's number no i don't know mine it was too late in the game yeah it's nothing nothing disrespectful it's just too late in the game i go because i'll tell you want to hear something crazy no save that for all fair yeah i want to hear something uh so i got my first cell phone 42 um when did the iphone come out uh 2000 let's call it six eight no seven eight definitely six because i was in new york when it for me i wasn't a freshman the first time i saw one maybe 2006 to the fucking this guy sleeping at the wheel over there that means sorry the computer was updating uh i think t-bone needs an update we bought you the new oven cook something will you he's just crisis broad uh first iphone yeah

2007 oh really okay so i probably got a cell phone in 2003 if a flip phone that sounds about right and i never put anybody's number in it i just memorized everybody's number i don't know i was paranoid so i never paranoid about what just in general i just didn't trust no no i mean what about what do you mean i don't know i just didn't put anybody's number and i zero numbers in my contact and i would just i would just i would just memorize all the numbers it was only about 10 numbers that i had to memorize my mom my dad my brother um my new sales rep associate sure when i got trouble his co-workers when he got transferred when he got transferred upstate to a new new section new territory um and then like my bosses at the time and a couple other friends that was it i would

know i knew their numbers for a long time but then at a certain point you i just gave in and just started putting numbers in there and now yeah i don't know who to fuck i know my moms yeah i mean i know anything that hasn't changed yeah i remember when people were changing when remember when when you couldn't change carriers your your yeah yeah you're dude fuck that you couldn't take over numbers no yeah i remember crazy i told you i started fresh not too long ago it felt not a decade ago you did it felt nice yeah when i moved to new york i think right before i moved to new york i started her wipe the wipe the slate clean put it on your review huh putting this whole god damn tan on my review got out uh that i think i was kicked off of uh the plan i was on uh due to some

family ongoing uh yeah i had to go out on my own do it for myself there you go zero zero zero some wack ass area code i'm out of minutes thanks give me a call it's nine nine nine what the fuck get out of here yeah uh two one five six one oh nine one seven or two one two no they're a good area six one oh two one five philly oh it starts at two one five two one five is the primo sure i think we were always six one oh from the crazy the burbs to the west were always six six one oh two one five is good five man myself um two one two new york that's the that's the best sure two one two um but that wasn't a cell phone it was nine one seven now they got three four seven i think my brawls got a nine one seven nine one seven is legit three four seven

i don't even know that's your drug you're getting drugs text me your number i'll call you now it's like you never if you're inputting a number now it's odd what do you mean like two one five it's always clicked or sent or oh yeah of course i get pissed off when i go to the the website and you can't copy and paste the thing when it doesn't just pop up you got to go back and look and then i forget and go back again pain in the ass no way around you got you what might blow your brain a little bit touch the back of the apple that does something what is the g spot and finally squirts on you touch the back of the apple yeah if you touch the back of the apple it does something turns the phone on or something you can you can program a double tap on the back of your phone to

you activate your camera or like that yeah on the new ones not mine yeah right on any of them back in the apple learn something new every day from a fat man what was going to blow my mind i'm a fucking nerd dude yeah we don't have you here because you're cool dude now your nick names buttons get to googling what's going to blow my mind no so you if you do you know how you can kill apps sure right you know you can bring that up you know how you can do that or no yeah yeah i do that well like say the numbers there uh-huh you just you can do that and just jump back and forth oh looking at it yeah yeah i know that okay i don't think you did but fair enough um all right here let's see it's uh moving on this one's from dj van damm uh shout out to i

believe was it the lahoyesh of the vandams remember oh yeah shout out to the whole vandam the whole squad yeah i know they're all dressed like professional wrestlers but still man that lahoyesh show really that's a great club that's something else we'll be back yeah uh dj van dam ever fallen out of a tree absolutely dude i don't know i've really like like took a kerplunk really broken bones ryan not out of a tree i was pretty nimble back in my day before i started putting on the weight uh but i uh yeah i was pretty nimble it's pretty good we climb trees all the time never i don't think i've ever really fell i fell out of a tree fort not the window like the old west the window yeah we had the blueprints on that thing you guys it was a toll brothers

well it was in the addition i went into the solarium now we had a pretty tight um tree fort that my dad made uh on the property you're in a wood somewhere on the property yeah we weren't witches what the fuck i mean build a tree fort in the woods you build the that's an on property thing no we've always built no who the fuck wants to do the tree fort does it get away from your fancy your own little place it's your own you're already up in there what you know in the woods yeah where else do you build tree for it really what the fuck good does a tree fort dude in your backyard you can't yank it in there yeah always in the woods smoke your cigarettes flip your mag yeah so was i flip some through your some through your reading materials you know what i

mean yeah we always in the woods really yeah now we only i only ever built i built like a little uh me and this buffet i built the ponderosa did happy our deals it was a good time um no me and this me me and this girl that i grew up with this neighbor we built like a little uh like it was a clubhouse was the place where we could play doctor behind her garage yeah um you guys were building this sex dungeon for each other that's what you're doing with a little privacy i get it i went to the doctor as a child myself with a name oh yeah um but at my that the house the first house that we had my dad we had we had like four apple trees like four bang and apple trees in the backyard and we had one we had one we had one we had one that

like really it had like a nice like flat surface you can so i put down some uh some plywood and hooked it up made a little window and stuff like that had a little rope that came down it was nice i fell out of that yeah i don't think i got pushed out of it to be honest with you get out of here jerk it off i got no goddamn privacy from your mom's breathing down my neck no i think one of my cousins or my brother threw me out i remember one time uh i put i tried it i was at my dad's house my dad's house never i didn't have like friends around my dad because i went to school still at my mom's sure like i didn't socialize with the kids around my dad's and then he would just take me to my i mean it was only like whatever seven minutes away or whatever he would take me to all of my

friends from you know of the house i grew up in so like i always tried to like have fun there and i was like i'm going to build a tree house for like when like my friends come over or whatever like a fort in the there was one tree and it was real thick and i took a bunch of uh remember that like wire it would be like above like the laundry machine it was like the wire shelving the white wire shelving kind of you can't you know what i mean it's like why it's like metal yeah metal but yeah it's a covered in like the the white rubber yes yes yes yes he's like cut it for however long of course well he had a bunch of that left over and like i put it up in the i put it up in the backyard so you could like sit on it in the trees because it was like real thick and then i'll

think i did that in the so you know august or whatever that's really a gallon of tide not your fat ass but then the fucking autumn rolled around and all the leaves fell out i remember staying in it though he's like doing the dishes like looking out the window he's like the fuck did you put in a tree i'm like oh he's talking about gotta get the fuck out get it right outside the fuck did you do to the job gotta see you later he a little perv nest up there there's fucking beeping ah beeping kippy out there oh man beeping kippy did you ever see that have you ever as a at any point even in new york or anything ever you catch uh you catch anything in the window a glimpse of anything yeah especially as a kid it would have been it would have obviously been more

didn't we see people boning when we were in LA in that one one building last time we were in LA one of the times there's people banging in the window or am i crazy i think you might be crazy um new york you always catch a guy i remember i i called a neighbor who was like you know you would just be like watching tv you know you would you would like walk across or whatever mm-hmm what was she watching i'm in her closet i mean you believe this broad had the nerve to shower naked god did disgrace hey honey do we ever turn that up you missed the spot huh turn the tv up so you can't hear the drone can't hear me breathing um now one time a girl i was dating lived in a dorm and across the street

was on 14th street uh there was an apartment building and i think i saw some lady like closing like getting she was undressed and then closed when i walked over to close the lines yeah yeah my buddy uh you heard me whistling at her boom chick boom i'm sure people have seen me i rolled around heavy bike in there sure buck naked fresh and i'm always i the curtain in in the in the in the office is always all the way up and then that's where i go let's i get out of the shower i gotta get i gotta get out of the bathroom quick and let let let the let the temp cool start cooling the cool down the reactors a little bit yeah hundred percent otherwise you got another Chernobyl on your hands uh and i it's always up and i like god

damn it and i gotta walk over my towel with my little noodle and fucking just pull it you always do like a half of this or that like you just think if you move quick enough and it's dark enough yeah yeah you gotta pretend like you're making a little effort sure you know what i mean i don't only think you're a whore so flusy walking around your own apartment trying to be a little naughty uh yeah my buddy uh used to live in midtown and all the time in like one of those high rises like not too far from here or whatever yeah all the time it would just be like shooting like naked pics and stuff like instagram out or whatever just like fucking all like out on the decks and stuff like that just really being like i don't care who sees this type that's erotic oh yeah i wish i had i

mean i don't care what people you know i'm pretty comfortable on my in my skin which i shouldn't be i'm aware of that um but i wish i had one of those bodies just i'd just walk around you know i wish i had the confidence to do that sure just well we're all glad you don't just for me and the rest of the pedestrian the rest of the citizens of new york not the confidence but i wish i had one of those bodies yeah well you think you were you're a hot chick yeah me too walk around blowing everybody i get it yeah it's a it's a fine line between oh and yeah yeah it really is you ain't funny i wish i had one of those bodies oh you don't say do you a tiny little one all right this one so we could do a couple more hair uh this one's from tyler uh ten dollar board member never had one

red shout out to the big t how garbage is it to fix something with a chewed piece of gum my aunt had one of the vents in her car held in place with a piece of gum she had been chewing and it stayed there for well over six months whoa that's tough i'll give a t in a jam if you're on a road trip and it breaks you gotta do what you gotta do to stay comfortable the vent in her car the vent what would the gum do like if it like fell down or something i don't know i don't have any information it was cracked a piece of plastic cracked okay and she did something with a piece of gum to because i used to you when i had braces i would use gum to cover up because if something was cutting your cheek that's yeah i mean gum belongs in your mouth true not with braces

but it never worked for me like when i'd watch the 80 shows and then like use gum to like they use like the gum and the wrapper to break into like a window or something like that that shit never worked it never stuck yeah i what silly putty was kind of a scam too i was big i like i was i was big on the putty yeah yeah a little bit they don't always work for me well i remember you used to like put it on the newspaper it didn't what it didn't really do much though yeah it's like bad play though put it on the newspaper that was it yeah you show your friend he was like yeah i seen it before you know i'll i'll see you i'll be over here with my slinky evening i'll be jerking off in a tree yeah did you did you have any tin foil on any antennas

sure we not tin foil we had some because we didn't have cable i've i think i talked about this we didn't have cable upstairs so me and my brother would carry uh like the tv you would see out of a movie like out of an 80s movie it was like you know probably like a 12 inch screen but like a three foot box type thing heavy heavy and we would carry that from room to room because it had bunny ears and the bunny ears were whack so we had some sort of like we it was all we were always building on the antenna system sure you know what i mean it was like a hanger a key ring something to jockey it so you could get an extra channel or two where was that coming from the satellite yeah that's what you were picking up i guess i mean it wasn't you would just plug the tv

into the wall yeah it's just satellite it was plugged the tv into the wall radio waves that's the same thing to me you're gonna tell me satellite and radio waves aren't the same thing one of them is on the planet one of them is in space was there a tower they might as well both be in space yeah what are you talking about one of them's on the plow okay well technically it breaches the atmosphere hey buttons this guy just guys just finding out he's a nerd hey stratus dork yeah shut up before i come over and give you a wedgie yeah oh you're nuts i just i hit enter too fast on the surge i typed in bunny ears and now i got a bunch of sexy lady do you guys you guys have to be too young to remember do you remember the vert and horizontal

on tv's what do you mean the the vertical and horizontal it would sometimes go like that or go like that oh the track not track was it tracking no tracking tracking on a v8 on a vhs remember that you thought i was that was fucking i got it if you knew about tracking fucking up down up never having to reauto program a tv if you unplugged it and plugged it back in it would have to count through like one two three four yeah gotta reorder and sometimes like a channel wouldn't show up you're like channel nine's not showing up anymore go unplug it through the auto let me see but every once in a while every once in a great while one that shouldn't be would kind of pop up a little bit or we'd catch it a little we never really that was like i mean

i remember watching that as a as a kid i was real young am i you know with like my brother my cousins and they would be watching it like down the shore or whatever when all the all the all the moms went out to the springfield to get loosened up yeah get loosened up and hit on the town folk we'd all be we'd all be back at ampadis a bunch of little stingers i was too young to understand what it was but i remember they would like you know i remember seeing my first boob go from like a boob to like a you know like a turn into a jellyfish or is that what's gonna happen when i take your broth jesus grace couple of sunny side up you don't ever revert and horizontal on tv's man i'm old i mean you're like 50 old shit yeah i'm a nerd you're old he's bald what are we doing

hey cut that they're gonna know three musketeers huh oh toby just blew our cover folks he is not bald it's the bunny ears uh all right let's do two more and then we gotta wrap it up this one's from matt uh have you ever had a family member been reprimanded for smoking at a gas pump never reprimanded but my dad would smoke it my dad was big on smoking where he didn't care he was like rules don't apply to me do you turn it do you turn the car off when you get gas do i yes yeah i don't even like playing with the cell phone that people were going up in flames over that shut the fuck up oh yeah i leave

it running the car yeah oh no it's 2022 they fixed that i'm sure i i think it's right it's combustion no right excuse me hey whatever you listen to is your business put a pair of shoes you come in the york city public i'm a rock and roll man you thought it was music i like uh contemporary combustion music when you leave your car running while pumping gas you're essentially just incinerating the fumes that come off the gasoline yeah this could be extremely dangerous yeah even now dude if you stop in jersey they say turn your car off don't they not no i haven't had to i will now i mean i can't believe that's the thing you're not paranoid about as dude it's so weird you have so much paranoia but they're they don't do it after on the racetrack they don't shut the nascar car off

so that's what you're equating this to hey if dale jr does it and i'm sure dale earnhardt senior was smoking in there yeah he was having a eater at that we were such a dale earnhardt for we were an intimidator family we had flags he's got a banner he's got like a 30 foot banner it says the intimidator i'm not even a not in that big in an ass car obviously but man dale earnhardt talk about a fucking man's man real cowboy who uh-huh talk about cut short god damn cut i think he was like 58 when he went still on the track god didn't even look like that bad of a collision but it is interesting um yeah i don't i haven't been turning off the car i think you should i don't i mean new cars new technology it's it's not about the technology it's about that you're putting

a combustible thing into your engine gasoline is wild flamble and so are the fumes the fumes are we catch yeah so well i don't understand what if the car is off it's still hot in there right yes but there's not an explosive reaction happening with the little things i've seen the valveline commercials the little the little pumps are going up and down yeah because your car is is exploding the gasoline i don't even know if they use them anymore what whatever he's talking about it's a new car it's a new vehicle yeah let me see if i can get to the bottom of it people are screaming the fire risk is that the fumes burn not the liquid this could lead to an explosion so before

you fuel up shut the car off and leave it off and unplug any devices that you think you may be charging jesus man i've been fucking rolling this shit i didn't know that gas myth hold on gas man there we go well fueling have you ever considered starting your engine back up to see exactly how uh oh that's nuts i would never start it why it's in there oh no oh man that's like a car bomb my fucking al-qaeda that's crazy are you nuts um it's because they use dump cans in nascar so they have their fuel is injected in the car incredibly rapidly which minimizes the risk of the fumes igniting all right so i need a dump can so you call your underwear all right we gotta wrap it up gang we love you

um how about tickets are on sale right now to uh our show our theater show in new york city new york at the grammar c theater get those tickets let's sell this fucking thing out gang what are we doing yeah we can't sell out shows here in new york city i'm packing it up it's a wrap the grammar c theater big deal for us grab those tickets come out and see us we love you to death and we'll see you next week peace