Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Graham Kay - How Many Beers!?

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Kippy and Foley are with Graham Kay this week! It's a fun one. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Adam & Eve: https://www.adamandeve.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Kip, that middle-class famous tour is a cooking. Hot chi. This thing's selling itself, but just in case we're going to hit you with it right now. Gang, do yourself a favor. Stand up comedy show, then we play the little AYG with the crowd. Grab the squad, come out and see us. Great way to introduce to people to the show. It's a super, super fun time. I promise you.

Yeah, gang. Coming up in November, we got two hot shows down there in hot land as part of the Red Clay Comedy Festival. You can get individual tickets for that or tickets to the whole fest yourself. Then the next night, we're banging over there to Charlotte, North Carolina. Yeah. North Carolina, South Carolina, get them tickets if you're close because we're here. Come see us. That's the last time we're coming this year.

Then we got two sold out ones in Philly. You snooze, you lose. We added one in Providence, Rhode Island in December. Get those tickets and we added another one in Boston as well. Get those tickets because those are going to sell out. They're selling. Grab them. We're telling you right now. Come see us. See you there. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Isn't it? Little show. We sit down at your favorite comedians and we find that they grow to be classy. Yeah. So, just a big old piece of trash.

Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Anthony's basement. Unfortunately, she just hit by a car, which was parked. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman. He is not to be trifled with in the boardroom or the bedroom.

Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you're ready to subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, new guy Luke, don't lunch this through the roof. There you go. Oh my God. Thank you for talking about a try hard.

Toby. Come back, T-Bone. You're killing me. And obviously the greatest goddamn website of all time. www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. Check it the fuck out. It's a party over there. Damn.

Love that money. And gang, as you know, T-Bone McMuffin is ill. He's sick. A little cold, little sniffles, the flu, whatever. He's got Corona. What the heck? He's got COVID. Did I start asking questions?

I know. Yeah, Toby's got a hot case of fucking Delta. I'll tell you that. Well, we got new guy Luke filming, and he's a go-looking kid. Little stupid, not gonna lie. Quite hairy, too, this fucking kid. Your chest hair is wild. Yeah.

You got to pick up there. He's nervous on the mic. I got a lot. It's my first time. Is this your first time ever talking into a microphone? This is your first time in public. Can you be honest with you? Yeah.

First time ever talking into a microphone. I mean, yeah, maybe like middle school, like auditorium, something like that. You ever did karaoke or anything like that? Karokey. I mean, we're not counting that, right? I'm a shillman. I mean, give me.

Starts doing hauling oats. Give me a dozen butt lights, yeah. Gang, new guy Luke, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a nice round of applause. Boo. We love you, pal. Gang, let me tell you something right now. Got a hot show ahead of us here.

Uh-huh. Couldn't not be more excited that we're incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guest here with us today. An old pal. For the first time. An old pal. I tell him all the time, he's one of my favorites. He killed when we do shows together in the city.

I stay and I watch him and get a nice giggle. I love this guy to death. He's a very funny stand-up comedian and actor. You've seen him in, but not limited to Super Troopers. Oh, yeah. Stand up with John Noor. You got the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and about that. The Late Show, Stephen Colbert, has a 2020 special out

called Graham Kay Stupid Jokes. And I'll tell you this right now. Here's the turkey. What's that? If you go over to that YouTube right now, youtube.com, slash Graham Kay Comedy, you could check out his brand new amazing special, Graham Kay, Live in a Bowling Alley. Do me a favor.

Give it up. Graham Kay, everybody. That's me. Very me. That was a great intro. Thanks, pal. I felt good about myself. I meant that.

I tell you that I've always told you that before even like really good friends. He kills me. You're sweet, man. I stand there and I watch him. He's kind of stupid, son. Don't take it. I know.

He's a bit. Schmish Mardin, so don't take it as a hit. He's my speed, man. The kid's just funny. I don't know what to tell you. I'd always give him a cookie and say, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I think obviously you're both very funny and a big fan. Buddy, thank you so much. Thank you for coming and staying with us. Congratulations on the special. Thank you. What is the backstory of Graham Kay? We know you're a Canadian, fella.

You're a real hoser. That's a slur. Holy ex. Well, then I get it. I only come from a whole family of hosers, too. My people have been through enough and come here. There is a mild American slur that's very, very, that really pisses people off in Canada.

I can't remember exactly what it was. It's something like douchebag or something. Do you know what I'm talking about? The American slur for Canadians? No, no, no, no. Or we call you. No, no, no, no. No, there's a, all right.

Hold on. No, I like that. Something that's harmless down here, but up there, it's like. It's what they call in jail. They call pedophiles or something. Oh, goof. Goof. Yeah.

You're goofy. Or this guy's a real goof. It's like, whoa, that's like, you fucking. That is, I didn't. They'll suffocate you in a bag of milk up there. That's perfect. I didn't really know. Like, I, you know, people don't.

People like hockey players, they'll call it, if you call somebody a goof. Hockey players have their own vernacular. They do. They had a nice, he's got a nice head of lettuce. Head of lettuce. Buddy, tarps off. Let's go.

That means take your shirt off. That's all right. We're doing that for a Patreon episode. We're just going to go through all the fucking. They were, hot Canadian hockey players. Buddy, I'll fucking tune you up right now. Tarps off. Tarp the mits.

You're fucking done, bud. Mits, mits. Absolutely ruin you. I wouldn't. But, not me, but a guy. I was in one hockey fight growing up. I, I got, I got sent to a, she was big though. She was the coach.

She was big. I went for the biggest one. When I, let me tell you something. You've got the biggest one, you own the litter. When I found out that men played field hockey in other parts of the world, I was like, God damn, that's wild. My wife's whole family. Really?

They're all the, everybody played. That's what they played, hockey. Did they win the game? All their friends. I don't know if they wear the skirts. All their friends. They're like, that's where they all met. Oh shit.

Boncos. Yep. They're all gay. Don't tell her why. That's wrong with it. Yep. Graham, give us the backstory, baby. Where you from?

I was in, I'm from Ottawa. Ottawa, Canada. Specifically, you got to represent. We're going to have a great year. There you go. Oh, sense. Could you get more wrinkles on it? Of course.

Yeah. Iron that with an egg beater? Oh fuck. Yeah, yeah. You slept on a Corvette last night. It's not a good system. What you do is you wash your clothes. Uh-huh.

And then you get distracted or you run out of time. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I see, when you hustle like me, when you're always on the grind, you run out of time. I know. And I, you know, this was in the drawer. I figured by the time. That made it to the drawer?

Yeah. You know what I said, I forgot the laundry. It was on the corner of the bed. I get it. Yeah, not good. Because you don't, do you have a unit in the apartment? Do you have a washer and dryer? Yes.

You do? Wait, in your? In the basement. In the, okay. Yeah, yeah. Because, okay, so you got to get out of the basement. I do this. I walk to the laundry mat next door.

Yeah. You wash them, you dry them. Then you just throw them in the bag and you bring them upstairs. You got to get to them in like two seconds. But what if you're grinding? Yeah, if you're out there grinding. Gary Vee don't have time to fold clothes.

You run muscle. Wrinkled clothes. No. No. I'm from Ottawa. Right back into it. This guy's a professional. He don't have time.

He's grinding his guy. Buddy, I got to get this over with so we can get to the next segment. I got three minutes. I got a commercial break. Jesus. I got specials to move. Let's go.

Not here to talk about my goddamn laundry. Yeah, it's the, you know, there's just the, there's no fluff and fold. Sure. Just a fluff. No, I understand. I understand. Jam it in the Ikea bag.

So you don't fold it in the laundry mat, I would assume. I bring it up and I leave it. I usually try and fold it, but sometimes, you know, there's, I got stuff. Sure, you got stuff going on. You know, I got to go to bed. I got to go to bed, yeah. I hate it, man.

I hate laundry. I got to get it quick. I just know that two hours or whatever is going to fucking suck and that's just what I do. Yeah. Stuff. You're good. All right.

Back to Ottawa. Anyway, mom, dad, brother, sisters, laying on us. I got, I got a dad. Uh-huh. I got a mom. OK. OK, you. I got a brother.

And he has autism. OK. And take care of him a lot growing up. And he's younger, three years younger. Verbal, nonverbal. Verbal, but he's, you know, 36 now and he has a, you know, he's like a five-year-old or six-year-old. Gotcha.

Like he sent, yesterday he sent a picture to everybody. Don't make me laugh. It's whatever it's going to be. The tension is crazy. Like he sent off. I'm like, oh, God. He has an email list. If you get on the email list, you're on, you're just on it.

You can't get off it. Is that true? Yeah. One lady. One lady. One lady. One lady asked to get off from. She signed up.

And his special needs program was like, get me off this email list. And he was like, you don't, you don't talk to me that way. He called her a damn blasted woman. And I was like, where did he get damn bl- I think it's because he just came from Deadwood. No, I think you, I think that's, you get those, your insults, if you only watch Inspector Gadget.

You have Inspector Gadget, you know? I'm with you. Anyway, he sent a picture of a toothbrush that he got. 94 people of a new electric toothbrush. We don't even have 94 people on our email list. He's good. He's good. He collects them and you are on.

There's no MailChimp unsubscribe. I love that. And he, one time, so Greg Stone, aren't you? I'm very familiar, previous guest, shout out to Tony. Greg Stone's on it. Greg Stone gave him some Spider-Man figurines. And so, you know, he's on the, he's on the email list, can't get off.

And he sent him, he's like, Greg Stone was like, I was having a bad day, you know? And, and, and I saw this like group email and I was like with a picture and I was like, people are always trying to, you know, and he's like, you know what? For Peter, let me click on it. And it was just a picture of him making a grilled cheese sandwich.

That'll brighten that. It was like, Mass is all right. This is all right. Life's pretty good, you know what I mean? What am I all, what am I upset about? This is a grown man, a grilled cheese sandwich. I love it. Take a pic of this.

Does he still live with your mom and dad? Uh, they, all my, all of their extra, like all their savings, or well, not their, but all my like inheritance, they used to, to buy him a one bedroom apartment. Gotcha. And, which is fine. This way it should be.

Um, but, uh. Push that special. Yeah, youtube.com slash Graham K. Please. Uh, but he, man, you're a good person. I'd be real pissed about that. I'm mad about it right now. I, I, this is, this is-

Did they sit down and tell you that? Like, hey, listen. They did. They did. But this, this is in my act, but I, I'm, I have like a newer joke about it where I'm like, because this is new. This isn't in my lat, my newest special, but whatever.

They said, they sat me down there like, we, this, you know, you're going to have nothing, but we don't. He can't be on the streets. Sure. But he has his own one bedroom apartment. I had my, I mean, he's still like, he can't count. And we're like trying to get him to like, I was, he's, he lost his job in the pandemic.

And he was like a part-time janitor just to like keep him busy or whatever. And we, I would like, I, I, I would try, he started drinking more. We're trying to figure out like how much, like how much is he drinking? Really? He's drinking?

Yeah. He goes to the store buys it. All right. Grilled cheese and brews. Let's go. No, I can stop him. He's got an ID. 36 years old.

This guy, this guy's got a, a, a banging email list. He's eating grilled cheeses. He's got a new toothbrush and he's drinking a couple of baths. He's drinking, he drinks a little bat blue because blue is his favorite color. That's true. We call him big tasting. Yes.

And a little bat blue. And he goes, and he's like, and he, I was trying to figure out like how many beers he had and, and, and he, but he can't count. So it's hard for me to ask him. I'm like, how many beers you have? He's like, buddy, he gets angry at me when I ask him questions.

Who's, who's, who's asking? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? He talks to me like an idiot sometimes when he knows I know the answer. So I'm like, how many beers do you have? And he goes, uh, uh, Graham, I can't count. Yeah.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you idiot. Which is like a weird sentence to hear. I can't count you stupid idiot. You're like, I am an idiot. You're right. You stupid asshole. I knew the answer. Anyway, so he's entitled because like, I'll be, he'll be like, um,

you know, why don't you live in your own one bedroom apartment? He says that to you. To me. Yeah, you poor motherfucker. I had roommates. He's counting my beers. You'll lose.

You go, how about you get, you get your fucking act together. Get your shit together. And lose the roommate. Get a job working. Taking a wrinkled shirt back to Brooklyn, right? Buddy, his, his shit is folded. That is true. Um, yeah, anyway.

Dude, the fact that he's, he's throwing shade at you. He does his, my favorite. Get your, get your, get your shit together. Get a, get a, get a job being a janitor six hours a week. Get your own one bedroom apartment. And, uh, and I was like, he was like, why don't you have, why don't you ask me like, why don't you have your own one bedroom apartment? I had roommates until I was 37 years old.

I had roommates. And I'll be like, buddy, I can't have my own one, one bedroom apartment. So expensive. Because I can count. Yeah. Yeah. I really jamming you up.

Jamming me up big time. Anyway. Is he close to your, is he close nearby here where your parents are? He lives close to them now. Does he ever get in trouble with the booze? Like he just drinks in his department and goes to bed. He doesn't ever like get in. There are, the only time trying to trouble he gets in

is during family reunions. He gets pretty. That's god. Are you talking about me right now? Yeah, he's out there fucking owning everybody. What are you talking about? One time he was like. He lived with roommates, yeah, they're my kids.

Yeah, whatever. Whatever Uncle Steve. Go give me infinity beers. Wait, hold on, hold on. Put a pin in the family reunion. I have, before I forget. What is, like, do you have a ballpark or the number of beers? Is he still in like a six or?

Well, here's the thing. Can you put him down? Is he a big dude? Yeah, he's a big dude. He's a big dude. He's a. As tall as you? He's a couple inches short.

You're a brick shit house. Big guy. My brother is probably 20 pounds more than me. Okay. And, but he's like. So. Way cooler too. He is the coolest.

You stink, right? Yeah, I do stink. You know what? My grilled cheeses, they're not that good. They burn. I bet you put some nice grilled cheese too. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so he, he's like my buddy who, my buddy from high school.

Like they, he takes them out. My two best friends from high school take them out for lunch and have them down again. Yeah, that's awesome. And they were like, yeah, my buddy Mike was like. So how many he's like, yeah, I returned all my cans and I got money. And he's like, how much money did you get? And he was like, he was like $12.

That's a lot of fucking cans. Oh my dear God. It's like four hundred beers. So many, so many beers. Holy shit. Yeah. This guy's the drinking Champa Canada. I don't even know it.

So, you know, but he was, now he's not drinking on the weekdays. That's good. Um, progress me too, actually. That's a similar movement. So he's cool with that. He knows, he knows not to drink during the week. He does say, you know, Graham, sometimes we just forget. Sure.

What day it is. Sure. Bog down with these details. He's out here grinding. Yeah. He's out there. Yeah. I don't want that to go far.

Sometimes Wednesday's the weekend. But, uh, yeah. Anyway, you go to family union and, uh, and sometimes he would like, he would, when, when your heat. When did these take place, by the way? Is it, uh, the cave? And where? Is it your mom's side of your dad's side?

Aunt Janet's house. Thanksgiving. Yeah. Idiot. Courses at St. Janet's. That's not a family union. That's Thanksgiving, no? Oh yeah, whatever.

Family get together. And, uh, he was just, uh, I think he was like, uh, tickling everyone's girlfriend or wife and then, uh, giving wet willies to the boyfriend. And, uh, so, alpha-dosh it. You mean the coolest fucking shit in the world? Well, so you're selling your brother's awesome. Yeah. It is?

It is awesome. Imagine tickling a dude's girlfriend and giving him a wet will. In a great way. Yeah. The most disrespectful shit I've ever. Yeah. And, but everyone kind of just takes it because everyone grew up with him. But we're kind of like, but the women are uncomfortable.

So you have to. You have to kind of assert that point. And also he rides the bus. You don't know what's going on on the bus. Jesus Christ. You know, we, we taught my dad one time, my dad took him to Florida. That's the most Canadian shit going around giving everybody wet willies. My dad had to buy him, uh, big sunglasses because he was creeping everyone out at the beach.

My dad was like, we, we, he's trying to teach, my dad was trying to teach him the side-eye. Wait, your dad, your dad. He's like, you can't, what? My dad, my dad never showed me how to be a creep on a Florida beach. What? Here's the thing. My dad is a, he's like, he doesn't want him to get arrested or beat up. Of course.

We all said. Which he can, very easily he get beat up and arrested. And he also know like it's a behavior. You're not going to change. You kind of have to try to, you have to modify it a little bit. You know what you mean? If you tell him like, hey, you can't look at the ladies on the beach, it's not probably going to process.

You got to make sure, do it this way a little. Totally. It's super hilarious. And then you're like, oh, he could get, he could get messed up pretty bad. Of course. And, um, and he won't know what's going on, which is, you know, I don't like that. That's why I asked you how he is with, with the boozen.

Yeah, exactly. So it's anyway, it's the whole thing. But he, my dad bought me his glasses because he was teaching in the side. I like, like, okay, look, you can't stare. Okay. You know, people are going to get creeped out. So he's like, what, you just, you stare, you stare for it, but you move your eyes.

Everybody like, okay, they do that. And then just the eyes would fall. They had to follow. Very quickly. He's like, okay, my dad bought me these like giant, like 1970s. Like cataract player. Yeah. That's funny.

Yeah. What he should do is get on the ones with the mirrors and the things. So you can really creep a 360. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Oh man. Your brother sounds awesome.

He's the best. He's, he's the man for sure. So he's younger. Yeah, he's younger. What's your mom and dad do growing up? My mom, so here's the thing. I don't think I'm going to make the cut for being garbage. Okay.

I will, I will determine. All right. That's fair. Okay. So we grew up, we were like lower, more just middle class. And my mom worked at the Canadian post office. Okay. In the, in the head office.

And my dad. The head office in your town or the head office for? The country. Really? Yeah. And so my dad was, he sold computer software. Software. And he traveled like town to town.

And at one point he lived in Montreal, which is two hours away. He like spent Monday to Friday there because he tried to start like a Best Buy style computer store. Okay. But with like the, but the problem is he needed the, in order to get the funding from the bank, he needed to get like in partnership with a rich family. Like one of the richest families in Canada, the people who make like Crown Royal.

And Seagrams. I didn't know that was Canadian. Yeah. Seagrams. Canadian. And Canadian club whiskey, right? Yeah. Seagrams.

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By using code Garbage, they get 50% off and free shipping. Go to adamandeeve.com right now doing. Yeah. Yeah. And anyway, so he had the dumbest son. The dumbest son was left. Like he was like a cokehead. Sure.

And the easiest ones to get to. Yeah. Yeah. And anyway, the guy like. How did your dad meet this guy? I don't know. Did a bunch of low and like ruin the business. The guy did?

Yeah. The guy did. And my dad went bankrupt. And then. Wait. So he partnered with him. He got the money. They opened the store and it went down.

It went down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then he opened it in Montreal. Yeah. It was like a bigger city, but it was close. Like Ottawa was like was like too small at the time. OK. And yeah.

My mom rose through the ranks of the Canadian Post Office. My dad ended up rebounding and becoming a computer consultant. He was like a computer nerd pimp. Gotcha. You'd come to him and he'd be like, I got the right nerd for you. Yeah. I got it.

Yeah. But I'd better be. That's pretty smart. Yeah. I'm a liaison. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And my mom rose through the ranks of the Canadian Post Office

until she was one step below vice president. By the time. That happened. That happened when I was like 19, 18, 19. Yeah. And we were like, you know, so growing up, we like moved. Was that a big influx of cash when she got that job? That's like a.

For sure. Same thing. My parents, my mom started doing really good at her job when I was like 19 or 20. She was she was an office manager of an office. And then that people that she worked for bought the building and she became like the CFO of the building was doing real well. Nice.

Didn't fucking help me any. Yeah. I was like, I was like, I out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they started doing better. And then they I was doing really bad at school. And then they sent me to boot camp for the last two years

of high school. That's a first. Well, they thought I had obsessed. No, they thought I had I was on drugs. But I I had a weirdo. I just had obsessive compulsive disorder. So I was like, you want drugs as well? No, no drugs.

I did. I mean, I bought weed like maybe twice. Okay. And I I just was touching everything three times. I was four. Okay. Four. Yeah.

Yeah. And I I like for some reason I I like three because if you had my thing was like you had an impure thought. But if you sat down, you had like a few thought about Michael Jordan or whatever. But if you thought about like a murderer you saw on the news. Sure. Like a homeless man with scabs that you saw on the way to wherever you were.

I was like, oh, I'm going to fucking you know, it's crazy. But you're like, that's crazy thing about OCD, you know, is like, you know, it's crazy, but you can't help. And I was like, oh, my face is going to change into that homeless guy with a scab on his face. So I got to sit two more times because that will on that will outweigh the tainted first one. And so and if the on the third time, if I did it wrong, I have to do it nine

times. So everything by the times three, three times three minus 16. Oh, hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I knocked my head. I knocked my head three times and then I have to go chew my hair and then

knock three more times. And if I mess that up, I have to do the whole thing over again. Wow. Yeah. You still do that. Welcome to Wackoville. I should. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Free fucking lunatics. End of the podcast. I was like, hey, I got to shake the camera at the same time. Your brother's watching this on his couch laughing at us. Yeah.

But then there was no OCD back then. And it was like, they were like, are you on drugs? And I didn't want to, you know, you're like whatever I was 15, 16. I didn't want to be like, well, actually, I think he's going to kill me. I think my face is going to change into a killer I saw on the news. So it was like way cooler to say, yeah, I'm on, I'm on. Smoking putt. I'm on drugs.

Well, it's just drugs. It's just a general drug. Ritlarge drugs. Yeah. I do them all, baby. And then I got sent to Saskatchewan for two years, which is far away. It's like, it was like a, it's a fly there. So you said you, you told your parents you were on drugs when you weren't?

I was not on drugs. I didn't want. But he said it three times. I'm on drugs. Yeah, I'm on drugs. I'm on drugs. Right, he's clearly. That's pretty wild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know that was going to be the punishment? No. Did they ask you what drugs you were doing? No, they just said drugs. One time I was, I lit a match. My parents are crazy. They're great people, but they're crazy.

Like we would, we would get kicked out of restaurants and stuff. Oh, all right, yeah. Same thing, same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's fucking get into that. What are you talking about? Where are you coming in? You don't think you can?

I don't think I'm that garbage. Your dad got him bed with a coke can and went bankrupt. Getting kicked out of restaurants. You went to boot camp. Your brother's awesome. You're doing fake drugs and you went to boot camp. One time I lit a match in my room, just because I don't know, I was a kid. I was like a teenager.

You are. And it's like before I got sent, my mom ran in and was like, are you sniffing the matches? I was like, did they grow up under a rock? I don't know what's going on that they're so. Yeah. My mom, my mom grew up, she's a refugee from Slovakia. And so they, she just doesn't know a lot.

Slovakia, there's a big sniffing problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say that. Yeah. So, you know, she, she, yeah, she, she, she just was like, not. I don't know. I got you. And then.

Was the boot camp like a high school too? It was a high school. Yeah. Was it military? It's, that wasn't military. It's technically not a boot camp. But it's the cheapest boarding school in North America. So it's all off around the edges.

Yeah. Your teachers could hit you. I got caught trying to buy booze from a girl came like, came from the, the year prior and was like free and came with a car. And I was like, can you go to the next town of bias? Like just a, like a, we call him a Mickey, like a little, like whatever, 16oz. And then she came back with 24 beers. I was like, what?

How am I going to hide 24 beers? Anyway, I got caught and, and I had to do guard. This is a town of 300 in Saskatchewan in the winter. And I had to do the trash collection for the town. I had to wake up at five in the morning. And it was like minus 40. Fuck that. And, and then if you, and if you didn't make your bed a bunch,

you would get to merit points. If you collect enough to bear points at the end of the week, everyone with like too many to merit points would have to go to a room and do burpees until someone puked. And I was just like, click, click, click. I want to ask how the senior talent show was. Did they ever hit you, actually hit you? No, no, I didn't.

I go up there and kick their ass for you. At my grandkid. Good kid. Did I get, did I get too sad? No, no. Did I make it? You guys are just collecting right now. Yeah, just process.

Process. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're figuring it out. Garbage. It's a lot. So far, so far it's all in. It's always the people too are like, I'm not going to be Gar and you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, crazy. Did you go to college? I did, yeah. Graduate. I did, yeah. Good student. What did you major in? In college.

Yeah, I got into college. I had pretty bad grades. Well, did this place turn you around? Yeah. We had OCD. It wasn't fucking boosting cars. Yeah, so it didn't help you with the OCD, obviously. Well, here's the thing.

I think it did. Okay. But inadvertently, well, because other, I would have to fight other students. You would? You were fighting up there? Well, because they're like mean to you, if you show weakness or whatever.

And I'm clicking and clacking and every time someone hits you in the face and you got to fight, hit me two more times and we're really going to get into it. Yeah, I'm going to get hard and then we'll see what happens. First, I'll get hard. Anyway, they, yeah, so it's like, you know, it's just very awkward. You're trying to fit in.

You got you, you're in a room with, with four other guys. There's five people to a room and the room is like this size, you know, and so you're like, it's just hard. So I basically figured if I could dig myself out, like if my brain could dig myself into a hole, I could dig myself out of a hole. I just had to do a piecemeal. Like I remember it getting worse and worse and worse.

I, I was like, I can make it better and better and better. I can incrementally go up. And it's also like when you're, I think it's, you know, for me, it was like very easy to do when I was living at home and in control of a lot of things. When, you know, it's like, but when I moved away to college, I like had to break because I'm like, I'm living with four other people in a house where like I don't,

I can't control everything. And then like start going like, all right, maybe I just won't do it on this. Like, oh, I didn't do it that time this way or whatever. And then like, yeah, it's like incremental for sure. I also think that, you know, by the time I was out of that high school, I was 19 back then in Canada, where I was from. A little overdone.

You do, you did five years for high school. I'm from, I'm from Ontario and for like 25, 30 years, it was five years of high school. And, but I got sent to a Saskatchewan. So it was like a year older than everybody at the end, where they had like normal four years. And so anyway, my point is, is I think that, right, because you were in college at that time,

I was in high school, but we were about this like 19 when we started to descend. It's like our hormones were calming down. You know what I mean? Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha.

And also we don't want to get made fun of. And yeah, it's like, you know, you're trying to fucking, you're trying to nail abroad. You can't be like fucking squeeze my wean three or four times. You went five, do it 16 now. What was the, I can't make it to 16. I can never make it. What was the jack-in-off situation in the room with four other people?

I called it a beat sheet. You know, the old boys means you've been there at least a year prior, you get the bottom bunk. And the bottom bunk was key, so you could hang a sheet from the top bunk. It was called a beat sheet. They knew what you were doing in there. Well, yeah.

You have to. Yeah. We called it the beat sheet. If you put up the beat sheet, you know what's going on down down there. Put your headphones on and go to sleep. And then there was the smallest or newest or kid would got like a bed coming out of the middle of one of the bunk beds. He was the fifth kid and it had drawers underneath it.

And that was the penis bed. Because it looked like a little dick coming out of the two books. And then you could not jack off on the penis bed. How was the food at that place? Michelin star. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not great.

It was like, you know, I don't know. It's like cafeteria food. OK. Yeah. But it was like we ate a lot. I ate a lot. I didn't know what to do. So I just worked out every day.

I gained 50 pounds in two years. There you go. And I got into a better university because I played football, Canadian football, which is the same. Awesome. And then by the time I got in, I was like, I was lucky because then I was like, my brain was a little more normal and I could you don't get decent grades.

Did you play football all four years at school? No, I tore my hip. OK. Flexer. And I'm actually getting, and it's been a problem ever since and I'm getting surgery November 10th. Check that out, folks. Check it out on Instagram.

Surgery system ever since. You'll be live streaming that? Yeah. I'm getting open penis surgery. November 10th. OK. Yeah. So, yeah.

That's fine. OK. The house that you grew up in, single family home? Like you guys had your own? Yeah. Yeah. We grew up, they bought a place downtown back when no one was buying stuff downtown in the early 80s.

And it was great. It was a great place to grow up. We had a block with a bunch of kids my age. We had block parties. Nice. We would like, we hated the other street, block over. It was very diverse. You guys do pools up there?

Not downtown. There's not enough room. But we have city pools we'd go to. OK. Yeah. All right. Garage? We had a garage.

We shared a driveway. But we had, we both had separate garages. I was one of that. I felt it was like building friends a little bit. It was nice. Hey, what are you doing in the courtyard? Yeah. Matt Hoy lived next door.

Shout out to Matty. We'd always, our dads, my dad would always send me out first to shovel in the winter. And then Matt, then Nat Hoy's dad would be like, yeah, hi, Graham's out there. Yeah, Graham's out there. You get out there. You get out there and shovel.

That had to be brutal. What are we talking in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was brutal. Like Ottawa winter specifically is like, Ottawa is a very weird place. I would like to see some sort of graph. I think it's like the craziest.

It's like 90 degrees in the summer. And then minus 30 in the winter. It's just like boom, boom. And then it's just, there's so much snow. How many feet are we talking? Like one good snowfall. You got to go out there and shovel. You and Matt.

You get a foot. You get a foot. And you hope it's fluffy. Yeah. You're different types of snow. Yeah. Things with that like up there and like the mission.

It's like it snows. It's like a foot. And then like 10 days later, it's like a foot. And then she's like, it's just compounds. Yeah. You can't, you can't. And a driveway is long. Like it went full.

It wasn't like in the front. It was like a driveway that went like the whole length of the houses and then split off at the end. Oh man, that's brutal. What kind of cars we talking about? Was the family car growing up. Which you whip around in. Grew up.

We went, we started, my parents, we had two sobs that when I was born and they had rust bubbles. And what's a rust bubble? Like the bubbling rust. And then I would always poke them. And my, my mom would be like, stop poking the car. Stop poking our rust bubbles. Did they buy them new?

I'm, I think so. But they were old. I think they had like more money. And then within Iowa, then we were born and they had no money. Because this is probably what? This is late 80s, early 90s. This is early 80s and like mid 80s.

And then they ran out of money. And then we went, we went from two. Because the sobs were nice back then. They were nice. They're nice. They were sharp. Yeah. Good cars.

I don't know anybody that drives one now. No. Well, they, they stopped making it. But they, we, did they? They had a yellow one and a blue one. And then, um, the yellow, the yellow. Nice. It was beautiful.

Who has a yellow car? Had a bunch of, a bunch of rust bubbles. And our dog Bruno ate the radio. So there's no, there were wires down there. Oh my God. But anyway. You're not garbage at all. Yeah.

What are you doing? Dog ate your radio. You also had more responses than I've never heard in my life. Is that what you told your instructor at boot camp and my dog ate my radio? But then we had, we had, um, then we had a, we went from that to a Mercury Sable station wagon and they bought a used Honda Civic.

And then very, very 80s, 90s cars. Yeah. Yeah. And the Mercury Sable station wagon was a lemon. And I remember on a family, uh. That was kind of the round one a little bit, right? It was before that. Okay.

But it was, it was the Ford, it was the fancy Ford Taurus. I think it had like. I was a Ford Taurus kid growing up. Electric chair, like windows and chairs. And it had a, just a slightly different, uh, grill. It was like the grill illuminated. It didn't have metal slats. Sure.

But it was the same car. And it had a, the rumble seat in the back. What's a rumble seat? It's a, the backward facing seat. Yeah. In the very back. Can I ask you this about the Sobs? Children will die if they get re-rendered.

Sure. Can I ask you this about the Sobs? Yeah. Two door or four door? One was two door, one was four door. Two door cars has a family car weird though. Every time Mike. We had one.

You're trying to get laid? No, but it's just like, being like a nine year old, your dad's like, all right, can you get in or whatever? You're going to climb past that guy. Oh yeah. I hated it. Put your hand on the shoulder. It's fucking weird.

It goes like this. It's like a triangle at the bottom. As a fat kid, that wasn't easy. No. I sat in one as an adult and I'm like, I'm never fucking doing this again. Yeah, yeah. You feel like you're in Sputnik.

No way. Yeah, bro. I was still a little bit thinner, but it was still scary. Yeah. You're like, it's Sputnik. That's hilarious. Sputnik has rust bubbles. Stop popping them.

I think I'm going to get the radio. Yellow Sputnik. Yellow two-door Sputnik. What about that car that Mercury Stable blew up on a family trip? But my dad said, where was the trip? We were going to Quebec City. We were packed to the gills.

And then the piston shot through the. His skid shot through the. His trash. He stinks. He's bonkers. He's got it all. Why did you think you were? I just remember the front hood,

what a bunch of smoke came out. And my dad went, Jesus Christ. What do you want a cartoon? Was he driving? Yeah, we were going fast. Engine exploded. I forgot to gas it. Can't help but that freeze pipe, baby.

Rip bingers. Yeah, like pulling tubes, gang. Sure, we all do. But doesn't it suck when you start hacking up along because the smoke is so high? You look like a bummer gummer in front of all the kids. All of a sudden, they start thinking you're a cop. They get you jammed up.

Next thing you know, you got a gun to the back of your head. And you're tied up in the trunk. But with freeze pipe, it cools the smoke down. With freeze pipe, it'll save your life. It could save your life. That's not patent pending or not. And I'm just saying it could. It cools the smoke down.

It's really cool, man. They have a unique design. You throw it in the freezer. Who does it, Johnny? It's pitchman all of a sudden. Guys, pipes, bubblers, bongs, dab rigs, more. Whatever you're smoking, these boys got it, all right. So if you're coming fucking come correct.

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Your throat and lungs will thank you. Now back to the show. But they always say, my parents, we're glad we bought the extended warranty. Almost didn't. Canadians are big warranty people, I feel. Love the warranty. A lot of insurance.

Free health care. Love a good extended warranty. You go to Quebec City on a family vacation. This is the summer, I assume. Oh, yeah. What do you do down there? It was pouring rain, I remember. It's a fire out in the car, at least.

Saved our lives. Saved our goddamn lives. What do you do there? You walk around and you. It's a city. There's no beach or there's no. It's like a European city. It was founded in like 1500 or something like that.

So it's like, yeah, gotcha. It's got old buildings. It looks like Europe's down cobblestone. And they speak, most of Quebec speaks like very dirty French. Like it's like Alabama to London. You know what I mean? And but Quebec City has like the more refined. Gotcha, gotcha.

Like they're very little snooty. They find out you're from English Canada. They're like, they won't even, they don't speak any English, even though they probably know a few words. And they're, how do you go walk around and look at stuff? And it's soaking the culture. Oh, this is a connection. What happened was is I go, they're like,

you're going to go back for a second year to boot camp. Walking around the cobblestones, go back city. I'm like, I'm not going back. I'm like, I'll go live with Aiden and I'll work at a grocery store. Or I'll figure it out. You know, I'm not going to go back. I'm going to move out. And then they just kept working me, working me, working me.

And I knew I didn't want to like sleep on Aiden's couch. Who's Aiden? He's just a guy who was 19 and living with his older brother. And they were smoking a bunch of weed. And I was like, I knew it was a bad, bad vibe for me. And then anyway, so they were like, you know, there's like, I always wanted a tricolor Montreal Expos hat fitted. And there was one in the store, Quebec City, Montreal, same province.

You know, and I was like, all right, if you buy me that hat, I'll go back. And a cheap date. I should have gotten, I should have bargained for more. Yeah. Stop or something. Yes, yeah. Got the whole uniform at least. Yeah.

Well, I knew they wouldn't give me anything more. Where would you stay when you go to Quebec? Are you staying a hotel? Yes, staying a hotel. One room, a whole family? Uh, yeah. I think we would do, we would do like a hotel or a motel with two rooms. A joining?

Yeah. One time we watched, it was a rainy day. We watched Braveheart and during the sex scene, because we were in one room. My, my dad made me put up a cheat. No, he made me, maybe going to do what you got to do. You do your sin behind there. And when you're finished, you come back out and you finish the film. Sin behind there.

No, he made me go to the bathroom and like wait till the sex scene was over. Because it was. What sex scene's in Braveheart? There's like nothing. I, I don't know, there might be some side moves. He's never seen it. He doesn't know. He was in a picture.

Oh, I know. I was half-heart staring at myself in the mirror. Mel Gibson really giving a tour? Come on, Pop. Tell me. Tell me, Pop. Please, I'm halfway there for God's sakes. Oh, man.

Are you staying? Did you ever come to this scene? Why did you think? I don't think you didn't. Crazy. I don't know. This is a taunt of cars episode and everyone's dead and then, you know. You've got a crate on a curve, but I mean, you're not too shabby yourself.

Did you ever come down to the States for a vacation or anything like that? Yeah, we go to Vermont. And I'd be, I went over one time crying because I was, we were going to. Which I feel is just Canada. Yeah. That's like, what the fuck? We would go for, the most Canadian of the States. We go to Vermont.

Go to Maine. We go to Sidelys. It's like Mexico to you. One time we went to a smuggler's notch in New Hampshire. You're like out of a book. I was scared. It's 40 degrees. It's roasting down here.

I was so scared I was going to get shot. Shot? What do you put in that smuggler's? I remember my parents said when we crossed, I was like, there's guns in America. There's gangs everywhere in Vermont. Americans love their guns. They're all maniacs. And I was scared that I was going to get shot on the streets of Stowe or Smuggler's

Notch for a month. I can't, dude. That's not right. I thought it was going to get... Throw the window up, Ma. You're going to get this all clipped. I remember. I loved it.

I could get, I was allowed to have soda. I could get an orangeina. And they gave me 50 bucks. I could buy, and I bought, I could buy Lego. I was sick. How old were you, dude? He's 22. Dude, for a hat, an orangeina and Legos, you can get this kid to do anything.

But in his defense, we didn't have a, like, they wouldn't give us anything. In his defense, those things are all pretty awesome. An orangeina is fantastic. 50 bucks would go far on a Lego. Castle Lego? Woo! We're talking like... Did you not have Legos?

1992 Castle Lego. Did you not have Legos in Canada? Yeah, we had Legos. But you wouldn't be allowed to get them. Well, it wasn't a family trip. Yeah, it wasn't a special. Yeah, it wasn't a special. Legos are a family trip.

Were you not allowed to have Legos? You're at the board, do you have anything to declare? Got me Legos! I got my Legos. All right, you make sure this weird kid doesn't talk anymore. Were you not allowed to drink soda growing up? No, we would do, on the weekend, we were allowed. But I'd be like, Mom, we might get Coca-Cola or Pepsi, please.

And then she'd come back every time with diet, caffeine-free, you know, the gold one. The gold one, yeah. And I'd be like, and she'd like, she'd go, Oh, I made a mistake again. I'd be like, Mom, just so you know, you want the red one. And then same time, same thing.

Oh, I made a mistake again. I was so stupid, it lasted like two years. And a pinch, though, that was all right. The caffeine-free diet. Yeah, I'd get your head on the screen. I felt like it was a health drink compared to the regular. So I was fucking, I felt like a power lifter. Oh, shit.

Like, what is it? Diet, caffeine-free, just brown water. Jackson, Mississippi water. Oh, god. Would you pack your lunch to school? Yeah. What do you think about that? One time, my mom, she just, you know when a potato just

grows a bunch of stuff out of it, an old potato? The eyes. Ears, ears. It grows ears. You're not supposed to eat those. Right. Well, one day, she'd just put that in my container and nothing else, just as a joke.

And I opened up at lunchtime in front of everybody. They had their sandwiches. And I had one potato with a bunch of stuff coming out of it. And then what? No, the joke is you, but then you also don't have a lunch. I was sad. And then I got a call from the principal's office, and my mom bought me McDonald's.

Ah, there you go. Yeah, she got my ass. Took the burger patty out and gave me a Diet Coke. Yeah. What were the pets like growing up? We had Bruno who ate the radio. We used to try and ride him like a horse. Sure.

And we kept him on a leash in the back. And then he used to bark at us. And the winter, too? Not for very long. But he'd go out there. Do you have a dog cast? No. But in Canada, we don't know dogs where coats.

We just walk them around. They're dogs. The 90s was different, too. Yeah. 90s with dogs. The 90s is 40. He's out there? Absolutely.

He loves it. You jump in the snow. And they get extra hair. What kind of dog was it? Irish setter. And then you're like Chihuahua. Chihuahua. He's out there frozen.

He jumped in the snow. Couldn't find him. He died? He got him in the spring. You go down to the kennel. The kennel get a new one? Anyway, so we used to go and he'd bark. And my friends would, well, let's go yell at him.

And he'd bark. And I'd be like, yeah, let's go yell. And my waiters like, it's my dog. Yeah, he's yelling at him. And then we didn't have anything once he, oh yeah. He died on a, I was walking with my dad. And he had a heart attack and died. He probably froze to death.

And no, this is in the summer. I think it was just too hot. Well, you just watch your dog just fall out and die? Yeah. And my dad was like, I remember. That's like what happens in the 20s. We were walking around. And he starts, he collapse.

And he's just like, and my dad's like, oh, no. And then another dad was like walking. And he was like, uh-oh. And my dad goes, run home and tell your mom there's a problem with Bruno. And I ran home. And then I never saw him again. And then.

Your dad was a dog. My dad, he was, yeah, he married, he married that man. They're two games. It was legal way before he was here. And anyway, so then we didn't have any pets. Oh, yeah. And tough year, my grandpa died. And I was like, oh, Jesus, everyone's dying.

Same thing. Anyway, it kind of was the same thing. Anyway. Got a heart attack. He was walking around. He ate a radio. He ate a radio. He ate a teen's transistor radio for playing rock music.

Anyway, so we didn't have anything until we found a cat in the woods, a deaf white cat. And yeah. And we had a deaf white cat. Because he just wouldn't, he didn't figure it out after a while. Oh, because here's the thing. So Mime's doing sign language. He's probably just trying to ignore you.

Yeah. Weirdo. Maniacs clicking away. He's not going to feed me. Yeah, but anyway, so he just would, I remember he would just, he'd sleep in the middle of the road. Because it was hot. And then I'd look out my bedroom window.

He's like an outdoor cat, which he should not have been. And I'd watch cars pull up and honk, and he wouldn't move. And I'd be like, come on, George. George, please. There's a car. And then the guy had to get out and stomp on the ground. George would be like, what the fucking runaway? And then, yeah.

He's a crazy person. What, George? George, you, your dad, the whole fucking, every person you've named. Shout out to the Ks. They're all right. K-Hudak. My mother would not change your name,

because I quote, no man owns me. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. K-Hudak. Yeah, what? No hyphenated names. She agrees that those are stupid. Yeah, so if you have a hyphenated name.

Wait, what was your dad's last name? Or what's your dad's last name? K. K? Yeah. But your mom would use K-Hudak? It wouldn't be. Hudak.

She's just Hudak. She kept her name. Nothing changes. Yeah. Yeah. She's not. She's not a slave. That's what my mother would say.

No man owns me. Yeah. She's a very intense person. When I was a kid, I was playing on the street. And she just ran out on the street. She's like, Graham, come here. I was like, what? I'm playing with tennis balls.

She said, come here. And I go, what? She goes, I was like maybe 10, 11. She goes, Graham? She knelt beside me and goes, I don't ever want to catch you in a mosque, a synagogue, or a goddamn church before you're 18. Because I don't want those racist, sexist, homophobic,

bastards brainwashing you. And I was like, all right. Try a cup of decaf for me, Jesus. She was always, I don't know. She must have seen something on the news. And by the way, the cat got ran over. Yeah, he did. Yeah, yeah.

Sleeping in the middle of the street. Yeah, I think it was a skydiving. We'd be like watching TV, and then some lady, like the local six o'clock news, and some lady would come on and be like, her daughter died or whatever. And then she'd be like, you know, the only thing keeping me together is knowing that one day, I'll see you again in heaven.

I just hear my mom behind me go, fucking lunatic. We're like, you chill out. She's hard-nosed. Yeah. Fucking lunatic. Is she still working for the post office, or she retired? She retired. So she retired.

Yeah. Pension. Probably pretty good, too. Vice president. Yeah, well, one step below vice president, which there are many of those people. Sure, but still. Top brass still.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Or a suit, had an office, had a secretary. Shadow, come on, pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh. Anybody, any of the family ever spot a UFO up there? Have they ever claimed to have seen a UFO? I feel like it'd be right up your alley.

No, I never saw a UFO. No, never even seen the Northern Lights. Really? Yeah. Huh. Interesting. I'm not even sure what they are from being in the North. It's the Aurora Borealis.

It's what it is. Maybe we have seen them. We just don't know it. Do your parents still live in the same house? No, they moved. And then Yuppies bought it, and I was always like, maybe I'll one day be a famous comedian. I'm not going to be like, let me show you.

I used to live here. You know what I mean? And they gutted it. By city, it's an old house, so you have to keep the three outer walls. And then they just tore everything down in the middle. And completely rebuilt the house. Yeah, it's a pretty different facade.

What was the name of that street? Melgand Avenue. Melgand Avenue? Yeah. That's pretty nice. How about the name of the grocery store where your mom shopped? IGA. And IGA is in bed.

Go to the IGA. I don't go there, the IGA. OK. Did you ever have a chia pet growing up? Yeah, well, there was an unused chia pet on the top of the kitchen cabinet. I always thought it was cool. Was it in the box, or was it just out of the box?

I think my mom thought it was cool to drink it statue. Yeah, a pottery type thing. I never grew it, the chia. Never put it. Was it the sheep or whatever? Was it the guy? Or was it the traditional? Is that chia seeds, by the way?

Is that what it is? Good question. Oh, probably. Wow, that's wild. Talk about ahead of their time. I think it's a little, yeah, it's a little too far advanced. No. I think it's the right amount of garbage

to have a chia pet and not know what it is. Sure. There you go. I'll give you that. I think, anyway, yeah, I don't know. It was like a little horse thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the name of your pizza place in your town?

You guys eat Boston pizza, isn't that a big thing? We have our own kind of pizza, and they don't even know they have their own kind of pizza. They just made American pizza bad, and it became their own pizza. Gotcha. Lay it on us. What is it?

It's just very doughy pizza with a lot of sauce, and then all of the toppings on top of the sauce, like the vegetables and the meat or whatever, and then the thick layer of cheese on top, and so everything is just wet and boiled underneath it. No crispy pepperonis. None of that sounds appetizing. Yeah.

I don't know. I'd give it a whirl. What pizza? Albert's pizza or something? It came with a bun in the middle, which I like. A bun. Yeah, so the pizza box wouldn't crush it. You know the little tables?

You didn't have that? Well, it was like their own pizza bread. Their signature was like a little roll in the middle. That's all right. I think that's good. I can get behind that. That's real fucking cool. And we would fight for the roll in the middle,

even though it's just plain bread. Yeah, no, that's fine. I can totally see that. We used to fight when we were kids for, if you had the pizza. No, there was always one big bubble, like a rust blister, like you had on the sob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there was always one of those.

You always wanted to slice it at that. Yeah, yeah. And you had to rip that open. That's fun. It's crispy. That's all right, though. I like that. Chinese?

What was the Chinese spot up there? Did you do Chinese? Yeah, the whole. Man, it's been so long since I lived in Ottawa. It bothers me I can't remember the pizza place. And I think it was like the whole. It was like the first one. I remember my dad.

We'd go there because my dad went there because it was the first Chinese place in 1971 or 68 or something. And they were like, what the hell's going on here? Something that isn't boiled ham? Dear Lord. There's no bun in the middle. Yeah.

Yeah, it was just like a generic ho-ho or something, you know, one of those. It closed down. What was the last time you were on a boat and where was it? I got fired from a cruise ship. Like I got like I'm like two months ago. What? Whoa.

You want to talk about that? Sure. Yeah, I've been fired. I've done three cruise ships in the past six months. And I got fired from two of them. What happened? Hey, you're pretty clean. Yeah, super clean, super funny.

But here's the thing is I refused in my head. I'm like, I don't want to become a boat act. Sure, so you're just doing your act on the boat? Yes. I told myself when I started doing it, when I started doing it, I really needed the money. So I was just doing old hits, you know what I mean? And trying to survive or whatever.

And then I was like, I felt like maybe I'm being an idiot. But I was like, I'm just going to do my act. And if they tell me not to swear, I won't swear. Sure, that's fine. If they tell me not to do this, I mean, it's a contract. I get it. But you're straight up the middle funny. It's all, thank you.

But they, so I have a joke about, I touch on, I mentioned my brother that has autism. I'm not making fun of him. I love him very much. It's making fun of me. And I have another joke about how my grandfather, my mother's father, and my mother's mother, hid Jewish people in World War II in Prague, Czechoslovakia.

And they, I got fired because too many people complained that I talked about Nazis. I mentioned Nazis. And complained that I was talking about autism. And I'm like, my grandson has autism. And he shouldn't be making fun of them. He's boats. And so it's just you really have, you can't be, you know,

it's like, I do OK on cruise ships that have, you know, I only do like a few a year just to, you know, take the edge off, you know. But, you know, it's a fine balance. You don't want to become, you can get stuck on them. If you start playing to them, that's, you know, like, that's the right mentality of like, hey, yeah, this is a fucking good paycheck.

I can go do my fucking, do my act there and fucking do it, you know, and get out. That's right. People get addicted to the paycheck. And they get addicted to the paycheck. And then you become, you become a boat act. Like they'll tell me, like, it's always me. And also you never can have a sustainable relationship

because you're on these boats. You're at 14 days at a time. You're at sea. They would like, that's all I was, you're usually paired with another comic. It was always me and a 58 year old man going through a divorce. Everyone I've met, every, every, you know, not to throw the name, but Boat Act, you know, people do cruise ships.

I know where I'm going to end up. Yeah, a couple of years. I mean, they're making like a hundred and six figures a year. Yeah. They own a condo in Florida. It's always in Florida. Like I haven't been there in six months. All owners associations send me letters. The windows are smashed.

The mail's overflowed. It's always shit like that. It's always, and the one time this guy called him, he's like, I have a land gig coming up. Yes. And I was like, that's a gig. It's not like you're, you're at sea, you're doing water gigs. You're doing water gigs.

A land gig is just a gig. Just a gig. I heard that, right. I think I'm a first or second cruise. I heard that. I was like, oh boy. Grandma, you're going to, you're going to watch yourself out here.

These ICs. But like there are some funny comics doing it. Sure. They're all like nice people. And it's like, I get it. You like reach a level in comedy. You're like 40, whatever, 50, whatever. You're like, I can't live hand to mouth anymore.

It's that. I also think the art form of it. At some age, you stop progressing. When you get into your 50s, you're unless you're in the club. Unless you're Eddie Pepitone. Exactly. You're like a shout out to Eddie Pepitone.

Love, Eddie P. You stop progressing. So it's like, hey, I'm doing my act that I was doing for the past 20 years. These are the people that enjoy those. That's where those people are. You're not going to fend well with the seller or the comedy stores.

Right. Maybe my people will be when I'm there, when they're of cruise age. But you know, maybe, you know. Where were you when you got fired, like physically? When they can walk the plank or something. I was in my room. The room they gave me on the boat.

My state room. They're not good, right? I hear they put them in the worst place. I've only done good cruise lines that give you a good room that they would give the customers when I get ones with a window. Pretty sick. Nice. Like the food's really good.

The room's nice. It's like a. I wouldn't do one. Yeah. It's like, if you can get one with a comedy club on it, it's all right. You have to have a lot of time, like so. So they come down and they say, hey, Graham, you're out.

Well, I was supposed to do. I was supposed to do, it was New Jersey to the Bahamas. I was going to say, what the fuck? It leaves New Jersey and goes straight to the Bahamas. OK. And not the Bahamas, the other one. Bermuda. Bermuda, the one that's closer.

And then you go, then they spend three days there. And then they go straight back. It's a week long. And then I was supposed to do two of those. And on the way back to New Jersey, I had already finished all my shows. And I was second leg. They were like, the crew's director was like, hey,

you know, do you want to like help me out with this like, you know, stupid game show? Obviously no, but you say yes. Sure. And, you know, some weird game they do on stage or whatever. But I called them. I was like, hey, you still want me to do the game show. He's like, well, you're fired.

And it was the same guy that fired me two ships ago. Same guy. He just didn't like me. Yeah. But then he asked you to help. And then, but then he fires you. He forgot about me the second one. It's the second time I've been fired.

And I just, I just showed up and then the guy forgot. By the way. Well, why did they fire you? Do they have like a reason of like, you cursed or your little, oh, I'm sorry. They said, they said too many people were complaining about talking about World War II and Nazis and Autism. So you're on your way back to Jersey at this point.

So you just got off when you got there. I just got off. Yeah, I got off. Man. They don't like to escort you off the ship or anything like that. You just leave it. No, I'm not a pedophile.

I get. Scort me off the ship. The Jews. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ooh, man. Oh, man. Huh.

Wild. Yeah. All right. I mean, I feel, I got a couple more. I feel like we got them pretty dead to rights. I'll do it just. Yeah, the story was wild. I didn't get to that many questions.

I like it. It's a good thing. I know, man. Have you ever owned any hard rock t-shirts? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Like the hard rock cafe t-shirts? Oh, yes.

When I was a kid, I collected them. Oh, I don't like to. My mom would always buy one whenever she went. But they went on a vacation. They'd be like, oh, I got you one. Where'd you go, ma'am? Vermont. Yeah.

Smuggler's run. Notch. Notch. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. We got one. Shut up to the hard rock in Saskatchewan. Oh, buddy, I definitely had Montreal. Definitely had Toronto.

That's funny. When was the first time you had lobster? When he was something. I went to college on the East Coast, and I had lobster. I think I had McDonald's. That doesn't count. They had a McDonald's lobster roll. Pretty sweet.

That's like the first time you had it. Pepsi, please. Don't watch this down. Will you and your family order the same thing at a restaurant? I get the vibe that you guys might be. If you go to a place, will you each get the chicken piccata or something like that? No, we could order a different whatever.

OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Just the older and the same thing. Have you ever signed up for a free trial just for the promotion? Yeah, I definitely cancel it at the end of the free trial. For sure. And then I got caught doing the CD one in the 90s or whatever.

Columbia House. And everyone's parents' mom had to call Columbia House. Fuck off. They never did anything. Leave him alone. He's a good boy. He does the drugs, but still. I don't know why he does it.

He's got my Jimi Hendrix album. Suckers. Yeah, I cleaned up on that. God, I have to fucking fleet with Mac. Do you eat ice? Do you chew your ice? Yeah. You do.

Absolutely. You peeing in the shower? Yeah. Not all the time. You brush your teeth in the shower? No. What are you sleeping? A bed.

Socks. Sleep with socks on? Only in the winter. My toes, these are cold. Yeah. Boxers, t-shirt. I do boxer briefs. And I do, that's it.

Nice. Pretty hot. Show off the bod. Show off the bod. All right. Give the people what they want. Sometimes they wear a tee. You know, last time I wore a tee, there was a cool breeze.

It was nice. Fall is here. It's all right. There's a panna. You play any instruments? No, I have a guitar that I got. So I tried to get like an easy grade in college. And it was by far the hardest chord they were taking.

And I got like a C minus. And I'm still there. I still have it. I just look at it. I'm like, one day, I thought in the pandemic, I'd pick it up. No. Is it hanging on the wall in your apartment? It was displayed in the living room embarrassingly.

And now it's like, it's talking. Graham, all you play is to tell, damn, my finger. I was just left handed. I don't know what's going on, dude. Sleep with the TV on? No, I have ADD. I'll stay up until it turns off. I'll stay up for 10 days straight if it's on.

If it's on, yeah. What's the credit score like? Oh, it's been good. It's been good lately. Nice. And the credit cards we're talking. I think we're talking 720s. OK, solid.

Yeah. You have an AMX? I got an AMX. And I got a Visa, like a black one, Premier. OK. Not too shabby. That's pretty good. Yeah, but this is all recent.

Sure. Of course. Yeah, of course. This is pre-getting fired from the cruise ship. So we'll see. That's very true. Do you know how to tie a tie? Absolutely.

I used to sell suits. Whoa. Tell us about this. At Holt Renfrew, it's like Canada's Macy's. OK. I used to sell suits at Macy's, no big deal. Oh, hell yeah. One of his more of a T-shirt section.

You were a utility buyer. I was more of a resold shoes. I was a habitation. Like resold shoes. I was a cobbler. You were in the suit department. I was in the suit department. I was very bad at the job.

And when you leave it. Trying to pick up on a theme here. Yeah, I've been fired. This is true. I've been fired 19 times. Of course you have. Yeah. But when you leave that job, what you do

is you get a client book. Because they're all rich people. And you try and you go, oh, Mr. Thompson, you know Mr. Thompson's coming in. And you look, oh, he's got two kids, a wife. And you go, well, maybe the wife would like this. And the kid, you know, you get in their phone number and everything.

And it was a book back then. And I mean, you tell me it's in the 20s. I know. It might have been. It could be a time traveling. From like 2005 when I was doing this job till now is just, it's the 70s to the 90s. It's like crazy different.

Sure, of course. Anyway, so it was a book back then. And I drew, I just would like, I was like, fuck this job. And I would draw cocks in it and everything. And it was like a big joke. When someone left you would want it, people would offer you money for your book. And you'd have to bid to be bidding mores and stuff.

And everyone just was like, it was like a big joke, like how much you're going to bid on Graham's book. Because I had like, seriously, like two names of like old gay guys who would like, oh. Make you try this. I've been like, do I look good in this? You want suits. You want a suit, though, right?

Yeah, I own like four, five. You have late night and stuff. Yeah, didn't you? Do you have like a sharp blue suit with the? Yeah, yeah. You do. You have a real shirt. He looks good in a suit.

A shirt. He's got a tall, you've got a big, good frame on a kid. You own a tux? But I do. I bought a. You own a tux? I was never even going to fucking ask you that question.

I found Yves Saint Laurent tux at a value village, YSL, baby. YSL. That's right. That's nice. Value village is like, in Canada, it's like a Salvation Army. And it was like $5.

And I think it's worth like a couple grand. And then I bought H&M pants to go with it. So, you know. So you don't have a tux. You have the tux jacket. I have another guy's tux jacket. I have a dead man's tux jacket. I mean, you're really led with, yeah, I have a tux.

It's allias. Man, the more that you talk, the more that God's shitting. Yeah, yeah, it's like being in a relationship with me. Oh, man, that's strong. Star pot. Cool off real quick. Word by word. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. What were you thinking? You're fucking trash, kids. We're sending you to boot camp. Yeah. In two years, baby. Buddy, that was absolutely fantastic. Loved it.

You're 100% trash, but we fucking love you. You're one of the funniest. Gang again, he's got a brand new special out, Graham Kaye, live in a bowling alley. Go over to YouTube, Graham Kaye comedy, and check it out. I'd appreciate that listener. Super, super funny guy. Very funny, good pal of ours.

Anything else you got the folks out there that know you got coming up? Follow me on Instagram, Mr. Graham Kaye. I'd really appreciate that. Thank you so much, guys. I have a present for you guys. Probably a, I don't know what it is. It's a, you know, it's, I know you, this is a, you know,

it's a trashy thing to have a, what did it say, air freshener in your car? I got Graham Kaye air freshener. It says, be safe. Drive safe. That's pretty sweet. Yeah. That doesn't look like you though, really.

I think it's a guy who kind of looks like you when you bolt him out to South Asian army. It's Ethan Hock. It looks like Costa a little bit. That's cool, huh? I know. I got a big problem. I look like too much like Costa.

Buddy, that's beautiful. Thank you so much. That'll go on the set. Yeah. Perfect. Absolutely. Thank you, buddy. Kibby, what do you got for him?

Guys, we are all over the road out there. Link is in the description. Get your fucking tickets. Atlanta, we have two shows in Atlanta, the right click, the only festival. You can get tickets just for that show or the whole, the whole festival if you want. Come see us in Atlanta.

We're in Charlotte. We're out of the show on a Rhode Island, out of the show in Boston. Those are gonna sell out. Get those tickets. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.