Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Greg Fitzsimmons: Irish Trash

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

Greg Fitzsimmons: Irish Trash Comedian and podcaster Greg Fitzsimmons joins Kippy and Foley for a hot ep of Are You Garbage?! Greg talks growing up Irish in New York, fighting people, and country clubs. You know Greg from Crashing Fitzdog Radio. Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Forman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey gang, thanks for tuning in to are you garbage? Yeah guys, please make sure you subscribe that way you get the episodes as they come out Mm-hmm. Thanks a lot Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley Oh, baby. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast This is are you garbage the show we sit down with your favorite comedians and fun if they grow up classy Or if they're complete trash. I'm your hostage Foley coming at you on a scorching day here Studio be gas digital studios in the East Village

Everything is sticking together folks. I need some fucking gold bond stat My co-host coming at you from right next to me. He's the brains behind the operation He's got his name on the lease Ladies and gentlemen as they always say the next time you're reaching for a best pal Do yourself a fucking favor and make it a kippy. Oh, this guy's on sale two for one Give it up for Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey, what's up everybody? Thanks for tuning in We appreciate it as always if you haven't already, please make sure you rate review subscribe on iTunes and Also you full video available on YouTube you can subscribe there as well. We appreciate all the supports

We get this thing off the fucking ground. I love you, baby. Absolutely. I love you too kippy I don't know if that was directed at me, but I'm gonna take it and I love our extremely Extremely special guest about it on the podcast today Let's go over this fucking rap sheet that I got in front of me right here We're gonna start off with the acting as an actor some of his credits has appeared on the Andy Dick show the man Show Louie aqua teen hunger for his comedy bang bang Santa Clarita diet, of course crashing Okay, as a writer He's wrote on politically incorrect the El DeGeneres show the man show lucky Louie crashing again as a fucking producer

Got 22 episodes of the man show eight episodes of crashing He's also appeared on the Howard Stern show late night with Conan O'Brien He has not one but two comedy central presents You've seen him on your mom's house the late show with David Letterman Jimmy Kimmel lives Chelsea lately the Joe Rogan experience He has a stand-up special life on stage. You know him from Fitz dog radio and the 2006 host at the AVN awards. I don't know if he's garbage or not, but I know he's got a little bit of fucking cash on them I'll tell you that right now Ladies and gentlemen, give us a nice big round of applause for mr. Greg Fitzsimmons everybody

Let me tell you something Let me ask you something. I need $40 When you're when you're Irish it doesn't matter how much cash you For sure that's why I was so excited to have you I'm like he's you know He's got a successful career But he is Irish trash from the East Coast, which you can know no amount of money can shake that still saving the the grocery bags I'm putting them in the in the cabinet Reusing tea bags

Picking up the dog's shit with fucking sandwich bags Now squeezing everything out of it. I know man. It's in our blood Did you ever get sent to school with you when you're where your lunch bag is the fucking old bread bag that was finished When that kid sat next to you were like, yo, this guy's definitely got lice Yeah, that was a tough look in the lunch room with that thing. Oh my god, I used to go to school in the morning My mom never bought us proper boots So she used to take those those bread bags, yeah, I just put them over your feet and then you'd stick them into your sneakers, dude What is this Angela's ashes Jesus Christ, right?

I did that shit in the 90s My mom was like get the plastic bags and we'd go out and play in the snow and like I was wearing like air walks or what? That's fucking trash My mom one time wouldn't buy us sleds for the for the for the winner. So of course it snowed one day We had a snow day. She was off work had nothing to do with us This broad send us out to the hill in front of the whole neighborhood with two fucking cardboard boxes We didn't go anywhere and she was bitching like we didn't know how to use it Like what is this the fucking North Shore figure on how to serve this is bullshit?

Greg, thank you so much for doing the show man. We appreciate you being here and coming on with this Tell you the monitor over your shoulder. You guys can't yeah We're in the small studio Greg. We're just starting out. What do you want? You look like midgets We can't afford that nice green paint you got behind you that's home depot paint right there That's two coats. That's two coats and a primer. This guy's got primer money. Here's here's trash I didn't I didn't have somebody paint it. I did it myself with my daughter Yeah, and my daughter thought it would be funny to write 6 6 6 And I'm not gonna say what else you wrote on it and then so we had to put two more coats over that one

Jesus keep an eye on that kid for God's sake. I'll give you bonus points if you still have the blue painters tape up at the top and down by the trim No, but you can see the roof has some green Jesus nice drop ceiling to real classy. Yeah, it's real classy. Wait, is that your are you in the house right now? Are you at your office? No, I have an office Oh Mr. Fitzsimmons, that's not tell us tell us a little bit, you know, we want to talk about you know You mentioned you mentioned your daughter We want to talk about your family kind of how you're on the house today

But tell us a little bit, you know where you grew up how you grew up the family situation well, I Lived in the Bronx until I was about eight and my my parents are both from the Bronx. Okay, grandparents and Well, my grandparents are all from Ireland, but then they immigrated to the Bronx, damn and and then my dad was You know made some money. He was in radio in New York So he became a really big radio personality in New York for my whole life And so we made some money and we moved up to Terry town Very nice a couple really good restaurants in Terry town right there are yeah, it's gotten very trendy when I grew up there

It wasn't it wasn't that nice It was it's a real right and wrong side of the tracks kind of a town. It's like Downtown there's a there's a General Motors plant. So there was a lot of Tenement apartments and housing projects downtown and by the train station and it was actually pretty dangerous And there was like there was race riots and there was there was a lot of drugs and then I grew up I grew up on the good part of town, but My parents couldn't shake that Growing up broke mentality or so even though we had money my mother never spent it and we lived like fucking

Same exact story we grew up in the suburbs of Philly There was money came and went there was times where there was and times where there wasn't cuz you know They're you know idiots that don't know how to manage money So it came and went but at the same time like when it was there was and we still lived like we were you know dirt poor Yeah Yeah You know we we belong to a country club and then we would go there and my mother would give us two dollars a day To buy lunch and whatever sodas and snacks that we wanted

That's not gonna get you a crab cake what the fuck I won't pay for the lemon on the ice team all the other kids are putting it on the account like put it to the Charleston's please and you're like yeah, right the Fitzsimmons are there the pinch and pennies One salami sandwich, please the order from was Kevin Meany no way He was a waiter I was a kid and he used to come down to the pool with a red blazer and a black bow tie What and it's like you wanted I go give me a coke Kevin

He was walking like goddamn Fitzsimmons boy, that's not right ordering food from the pool You're like a crazy person How many brothers and sisters did you have growing up large Irish family or small well Irish twins me and my brother are apart nice They talk about flying too close to the Sun 12 months is Things getting loose and Terry town. I like it. Yeah, and then my sister's three and a half years younger And she still she lives in Westchester and then my brother's in Brooklyn Okay, okay small for an Irish Catholic family small for an Irish Catholic family

You're you're one of what 45 or what is it my mom's one of nine? We're like fucking ticks in Philadelphia Yeah, my mom was one of seven and then my my grandparents one was one of 13 and one was one of 11 What the fuck and how was it growing up up in Terry town? So you moved up there you guys kind of settled in and how what was the what was the lifestyle like growing up there? It was good. You know it was like We kind of like we had a we had a lake so in the winters We did a lot of played a lot of hockey night and go there at night and we'd skate We'd sweet, you know throw a case of beers on the bank of the of the lake and then we skate around and

And then in the summers we'd swim in the lake and we'd go to the Hudson River We're right on Hudson River So we did a lot of we did a lot a lot of drinking and drugs growing up starting at a very young age That kind of guy really I mean we were like 12 13 years old and we were we were getting fucked up like four or five nights a week insane and all my friends parents were alcoholics of course nobody noticed it was just booze everywhere my friends all had oh You always got to hang out with the kid who's got the oldest sibling Yeah, and they'll get stuff for you. Yeah, come on Donnie. Get us a six pack. Yeah, right

You know you buy he gets six back. He keeps one. That's all For sure he's got a wet his beak that's trash though if that's all you're asking for give me one Give me one if you're not good if you're ripping off 12 year olds for one fucking Mike's hard lemonade. That's a trash Well, we do remember what you were drinking back then it wasn't Mike's hard lemonade it was something probably really shitty now it was well boons farm strawberry wine and then For we Budweiser drinkers, you know, nothing wrong with the bud heavy. Oh get an ice cold at the bar. Come on Yeah, I fucking love it

Now was that if was that a similar story with with you and your your friends growing up like did most of their parents? Kind of start out in the city or start out somewhere else and then kind of got a little money and then moved out there Yeah, it was a lot of that tarry town is definitely a place where well, you know Westchester in general It's where if you're from the Bronx and you make some money you move to Westchester If you're from Queens Make money you go to Long Island if you're from Staten Island and you make some money you go to Jersey So it was a lot of that but there was a lot of multi generation there one of my friends Tommy Bucci was Carpenters Union and his grandfather was in the Carpenters. Yeah, they ran the Carpenters Union

They were like the family in town that had cousins and everybody had some kind of a union job Union town because the General Motors sure because they did a lot of construction And there was a lot of a lot of stuff on the Hudson River a lot of jobs down there So it was very blue collar working class and then there was the people at the top of the hill like me. What's up? Ah Looking down at the paupers. That's right, but still trash still trash dude. You can't shake it That's what we've been finding out as we do the show more and more. It's like regardless It's it's generational it takes a couple generations to real like your kids will be in a better position

You know They'll be a little less trashy than you are and it's gonna keep going down the line Yeah, do you feel like you know you said that your that your parents kind of had that mentality because they started out Poor and then they got some money, but they still kept that do you feel like that wore off on you a little bit with your family now? No, I'm cheapest fuck. Yeah, that's what I'm always worried. I drive a Prius and You know, I buy everything and Ross dressed for less But my wife My wife grew up in Manhattan and she she grew up in a family that they didn't have a ton of money

But they bought quality things. Okay, she's yeah, so she she's half Irish half Jewish And what a mix there you go, but they would buy like, you know, like a like a you'd buy your suit from Brooks Brothers and you keep it for the rest of your life Sweater that was made in England and you know, so She's kind of instilled that in the kids a little bit. They've got a little bit more class. Okay. All right Same thing I had a buddy who I remember here I was like tan I heard his mom say you spend the money on stuff that matters like my bed She's like bedding. We spend a lot of money on bedding. I was like

Imagine how my bed was it was like Mickey Mouse sheets from like, you know, we're passed down from my oldest cousin I'm like I had a bed bed. I had a bed. It was so old It was a twin bed and it had fucking metal springs in the box brain And so I used to jerk off, but you could hear it. It was so squeaky I would like put my foot on the bed board to try to hold it still Oh, yeah, I would almost arch my back and all rest all rest and I thought I was Spider-man yeah One hand on one hand on the wall the other on the on the on the footer

Did you ever get caught jerking off when you were a kid? Well, I came I came home from from school one day and I sat on my bed and it didn't creak and I was like what the fuck happened I look up. It was a can of three and one oil on my dresser Oh, my mother had come up and oiled my bed Jerking off from down Yeah, oh, I'm trying to hit you pulling your little root up there But what a what an Irish repressed emotion thing to not say I had not a word was said and passive aggressively leave the can of fucking oil They're like, I know what you're doing your dirtballs. Stop it. She's serving you meatloaf that night. She gives you a little wink

Yeah, great. You want to wash your hands again before? And your wrist and your forearm Did you share a room with your with it with your brother for a while or was it separate rooms? It was the only time we lived together. We we moved actually from the Bronx We were in Philly for a year. My dad got a radio job there and we lived in Cherry Hill, New Jersey Cherry Hills clean money right there. Yeah, and so we shared a room there, but we got in fistfights every day And so I had to sleep in the living room. That's fucking Irish twins Irish twins are a little physical Irish people are a little physical. Yeah, me and my brother are 18 months apart

We fought every single every single fucking day from like 12 years old to like 17 every summer We would get no fight. Yeah, right. Right. Good times. Good time But you're also super close because like super close a sports together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we played Nerf bed We played contact Nerf basketball his body slams Yeah, contact Nerf basketball when you got to a certain age on your knees was like the funnest fucking time Ever that and some floor hockey Come on. We played floor hockey in the basement, but we had these roller skates with metal wheels And so one guy would one guy would belt up a couple pillows to his legs and play goalie. Yeah

Yeah, dude, of course Like an Ivan Reitman movie. I fucking love that. That's awesome. All right, so let's get into some we're gonna play a little game here Greg called are you garbage? Oh? Oh boy Kevin and I are gonna ask you a series of questions We would like you to answer the question as honest as possible and if it sparks any memories or any stories, please elaborate Sound good I'm I'm ready

I Want to start out and just know so now you guys live out in that Los Angeles, correct? Yeah, Venice Beach Oh, very nice. What's the name of the grocery store that you go to? Well, you know There's we try to go to Trader Joe's a lot because It's cheaper and better Then we end up going to Whole Foods, which is super expensive. Wow, and then there's a place around the corner called air wand Yay, there's one. It's like spelled like e-r-e h-w-o-n

And it's the biggest douchebag festival. Oh, that's fucking cash though We've never heard those three answers and we asked that it's always like two shitty ones And maybe a Trader Joe's if they had a good week if they hit the weekly number or something, you're right It's like, you know, $15 loaves of olive bread and you know, $12 cans of peanut butter And it's filled with guys that are dressed like it's the 1800s. Yeah, yeah, yeah Cut and swish cheese with a fucking Razor blade to get it really really thin Are you an almond butter family?

Yeah, holy shit That's like fucking 14 bucks a jar. My wife tries to get she tries to make her own it fucking Whole Foods I'm like yo tuts. We don't have make your own almond butter money. I got a question I'm in the studio against digital You call your wife tuts? She's European English English isn't her first language. She doesn't know it yet. Hey dumb broad. Where's the almond butter? Let's go Yeah, you want to get a knuckle sandwich? Why I want it?

Holy shit No, we get the almond butter at Costco. It's gigantic and it's cheaper than peanut butter You gotta get a Costco. I just took it down a peg buddy. I hate to tell you that Shit Trader Joe's Whole Foods in some fancy place. I bet you they make sushi at that other at the other store, don't they? Yeah, they make sushi and they make what do you call focaccia bread with different toppings on it? Man, you know they have a salad bar and uh, yeah, it's pretty it's pretty special a valet parking What wallets LA that's that's a very LA thing. All right, that's clean living Yeah, damn this guy's got a car and he goes to Erwan's yikes. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? Tell me that

He looks I love him. I love him. He's definitely got a hundred in there He's got a honey with the blue face and it's fucking fresh No fits dogs doing a couple of ones to grease some kids. I like it I play golf and I do a lot of gambling out there. So I got to be ready. I love it Do you currently belong to a country club? I do not. Oh, all right. You put you but you play on private courses Sometimes yeah, you're playing on public courses mostly public get this guy off my screen right now Let me ask you this you take a cart or do you get a catty? I Carry my bag. Oh that is old school. I was a catty ever

I was a cat. I was a catty for about five years. There you go. That's why that is old school right there And you can't I weighed like 115 pounds and I go out there I mean, oh, this is this is back in the 80s when sure fucking range balls in there Oh, yeah, the big heavy leather bags, too, right the fucking Rodney danger fields. Yeah, exactly. It's got a beer tap in it Don't tell me a Jewish. I would go out there with two fucking bags and it was at no wood country club It was hilly as shit. We belong to it, but then I started catting when I was sure Wow stuck with it. That's good money, man. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so it was I would get $12 a bag. Oh For 18 so $24. Did you go out twice a day or once? Yeah, I got twice a day. Yeah. Yeah

They say it's about seven miles Walking a golf course. Yeah, that's not good money It honestly took me a really long time to get back into just watching golf and liking golf like I love tiger But when I was a kid like my second or third job was was a catty at this like really really rich country club outside of Philly and The guy the first day like the golfers were just such fucking dicks to me And they were just such assholes all the time that I was like, I hate golf. They knew you were white trash He didn't belong there saw me coming. Yeah, you were made for catting it to with those chubby shoulders He's not chubby. He's big bone Greg put four bags on there

He's got the whole four some I'll tell you this speaking as Get that foley boy. He's built like an ox Speaking of Irish trash and fighting with your brother me and my brother Both got an opportunity to catty at the Philmont Country Club for this celebrity tournament in the late 80s Maybe early 90s and it was like Charles Barkley Chris Carter All these fucking big people were there and a me and my brother were in a foursome with with Chris Carter the wide receiver And we were carrying the other three people's bag Chris Carter was carrying his own and me and my brother started getting fights over

Who would carry the second bag at what hole and we end up getting into a fist fight right in front of the four of them Fighting on Chris Carter like had to break it up. He's a come on now fellas act professional really get sorry about that Chris Carter To fucking dirt bag Irish kids fight fight 19 that is garbage, dude And then you had to keep catting together We're fighting over the back like okay, fuck you. I'll carry okay shut up. No, no, no, no, we start like pushing each other like whoa Dude, I can't I once catty for rusty stop and Keith Hernandez Damn Keith Hernandez. Yep. Holy shit. How cool was he?

Man he's something else, huh man. He's a real man. Yeah He is a ray there was something about those those mustaches back then we're fucking yeah, man They just really worked I even saw saw a video of Piazza and like from that era how much the player has changed as far as like what they look like Yeah And this is without the juice. Are they still juicing in baseball? I would assume so probably not to the level but that like, you know, it's not like bonds and fucking

Maybe a little CBD every once in a while Mixed in with the chia seeds. Hmm. Yeah, right Hey gang Just want to take a quick second to remind you that we just celebrated the 4th of July And I don't think there's any better way to celebrate your freedom to go on a yo cratum calm and getting yourself a $60 kilo what yep the world's best value on cratum shipped right to your door. No questions asked Now if you've never heard of cratum before ignore the sad don't worry about it. We're not talking to you Nope, there's no reason to hear this and there's no reason to try cratum hit the bricks

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All right, let's stay focused here. We're not letting you off the hook here You're trying to you're trying to pander to us with sports conversation. You're in the hot seat, buddy All right with your fucking Costco peanut butter. It's almond butter though. That's that's I Get shirts at Costco. That's like getting caviar at the gas station Kirkland all the way Second meanest guys out of Philly Brennan's got you by People keep saying we have to have them on I'm like, it'll just end in a fist fight between the three of us in studio We have them in studio

Man, um, all right. Have you ever skied in your jeans? Yes Oh, yes, when we recently rag now growing up. Okay, we would go up to Bear Mountain Yeah, I was just up there last weekend Really? I got a bear mountain and you know that the the the bread bags on the feet Jeans Sharon's cheese. I had a jean jacket with a thermal hoodie. What? Yeah, and a giant hat we got for free for filling up 10 times

That's like misunderstood teen starship the jean jacket with the fucking up your skin I Know The duality of that. Yeah, it's crazy. Did you ever put any patches on your jean jacket? Oh, yeah Can you not only patches but I but I got the I had the doors What do they call it when they when they spray it on? airbrushed airbrush airbrushed on the back of my

Levi jacket there were Levi jacket guys and there were Lee jacket guys. Oh, right Jack it Levi jacket Yeah, Lee jackets were fucking trash. Don't come around with that shit Levi or nothing You know, if you got a wrangler then that that you're sleeping on the streets. Yeah, if you got a wrangler It's got no sleeves on it. That's for a fucking damn sure Smoke non-filters for sure. Yeah All right, what do you got big guy, what do I got do you cut your own grass right now currently? No, yeah Okay, now we're fucking talking to a gentleman here Let me ask you this more specific question about your lawn care if I might mr. Fit Simmons

You have a landscaper Yeah, I guess you could call them a landscape we we have mo it's California, so we have mostly kind of rubbery plants succulents, okay, and I don't know what that is Succulents are like cactus type. Yeah They don't need a lot of water right and and then we have decomposed granite, which is like a it's like a sandy rocky hard pat Surface so that we only have a very small amount of grass

Gotcha, it doesn't take a lot of work to do our lawn the guys in and out because they call it Blow and go out here because they just come in with the big fucking v8 engine on their back Yeah, with a hose and they just blow everything off your lawn This guy's done it got no grass Out here on the west side of LA you're not allowed to 70% of your lawn has to be non grass We got you out all the time sounds like hell that's your parents generation. They'll call that commie bullshits Tommy bullshit Tell me I can't have grass. This is fucking America. Where's the dog gonna take a shit? What the fuck?

That's bullshit use the bread bags for All right, so you don't cut your own grass. That's pretty classy. I like it. There is something classy about cutting your own grass, but if you deal with an electric lawn mower, that's fucking that's bad news I should say in my last house. I did mow the lawn and then I got my son to mow the lawn That was his first we were there for about five or six years and we we did mower on grass That's the Irish mentality. I like very nice. That's that holds up. That's good Well, I was gonna ask you about the about the lawn care is if you had a landscaper I think a real classy move is when when you got a rich guy and they don't let you put the big mower on the front lawn

They make you cut the front lawn with a small mower. I don't know if you guys are aware of that If you've ever worked landscaping, but I always thought that was a classy move They make you use like it like a like a regular so the lines aren't as big yeah push mower. Yeah, push Yeah, that's real uppity shit. I feel we'll get there. We'll get there one day. We got to get to the bigger studio Okay, does anybody I got this because I know a little bit about you. What was the last time you were in a fight? Um Cuz you got you're a bit of a hot man. I know it's been a it's been a while. It was probably about

Seven or eight years ago. That's not that long. You're in your 50s. What are you talking about? Yeah, you're still fighting Was that like a supermarket or something? Road rage. It was a guy. I was driving and this guy was coming down the street And he was purposely swerving at cars trying to like push. It was like a madman He was like trying to push people off the road so I pulled my car right in front of him and I got out and I went up to him and his window was open and he Sunglasses and I punched him across the side of his head and his sunglasses went flying out the other window and then and then He turned out to be a pussy didn't get out of the car

Didn't say shit and then he just backed up and he went around my car You would funny thing is I was on my way to the hardware store with my friend Will Hayes I had a coffee cup. I'm drinking coffee and driving and then I pulled in front of the guy I go hold my coffee. I got out hit him got back in I go give me my coffee. Just kept driving I bet he didn't say a fucking word after that the whole way to the hardware store. Yeah. Yeah, he paid you went You went first strike in a car. Yeah through the window Through the wind. Well, the window was down. Yeah, but through the window. Damn. Was he running his mouth when you walked up? No, he didn't say shit. He was just a guy

You know so in LA people get this sense of aggression when they're inside their bubble of their car. Yeah, sure No, no real friend. Yeah, yeah They forget that there's real people on the other side and that you and that if they they wouldn't do that in Person they would only do it in their car. So course he shrunk and became a pussy as soon as I hit him Dude, that is the Fitz dog. Look the fuck out Around holy shit, I love it. That is such a to group go back to a trashy Irish Genetics, it's you just it's it's every one of my uncles everyone. It just clicks Oh, well, I gotta hit this that's what it is the switch goes and it's night no longer in control

And I have no idea how I've never hit my kids Never hit my wife Yet though. I obviously do have some control of it. Yeah with strangers Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure this guy's beaten up guys on the 101. What's the fuck? Fucking bitch I love it. He's like, yeah, we do almond butter. I also punch strangers in the head I smacked the shit out of my Smack the shit out of my pediatrician

Telling me the kid needs braces fucking talk to me. Oh Oh Holy shit. All right, you're not big guy. Let me ask you this some hygiene questions Do you clip or bite your nails? I only bite bite, okay? I take the nail clip route every once in a while to treat myself. Hi, dude. I love biting a good nail I think I don't know what it is. They just grow magically all of a sudden you got like a nice little fucking a little fatty right there Pick that off. But some question would be have you ever picked your teeth with the finger now you bit off? Oh, absolutely

And the thing is is I don't bite them you can see them. I don't over bite them They're actually pretty pretty well groomed for a guy. I got a little shine on them, too Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. I get the corner and then I get a nice peel I only do it when I'm driving I throw them out the window and then and then I eat whatever fucking Dirt is always a little slice of dirt in there. Yeah, a little cuticle in your mouth. Yeah, I like a little cuticle Did you remember when you're a kid and they tell you get worm eggs? You raised by gypsies I've never heard those two words together in my life. I've heard the apple tree if you eat an apple seed but not worm eggs

Yeah, we were gypsies Sharpening knives at people's houses for them. We would cut our nails there if you bite your nails the devil will take you away All right, I got one the nails put that in the fucking thought that's something We're gonna earmark that that's tough to come back. You got that you got the Costco You got beating the guy up on the fucking turnpike. This is gonna be hard You got a fucking ace this thing from here on out unless you play piano or something like that We got a baby grand now. How are you with a violin? Let's start there Does anyone in your family pronounce the days of the week as Monday Tuesday or Wednesday?

I think my mom must you should we call her now and say fucking hell. Yeah, we should Greg Just ask her what the day of the week is and see what she said, okay My parent my parents and all my aunts and uncles pronounce Hamburg or Hamburg. Oh That's trash. I'll hear it. I used to call the fairy the fairy fairy She's quarantining she went hey, ma Hey, how do you pronounce the days of the week say the days of the week? Thursday Friday Saturday

Okay, good. All right. Thanks Hi, I Think it was a little bit of a Monday wasn't it? I think she straightened up around Tuesday. Yeah She knew she knew I was judging her and she drops her Bronx accent. She was trying so hard to announce you I know it did get clear like she hit Saturday. I thought she was a fucking, you know, she was Poppins Well, that's a very good question Gregory Oh, man, let's take a look. She did say Sunday twice. So I don't know if she's dipping in the Tully Mordue on a fucking

There's your mom still drink Catholic. She wants to make sure she's emphasizing Sunday. Yeah Sunday gets double double headliner Does your mom still hit the sauce? Oh, yeah. Yeah, real do you hit the sauce now? He's clean. I've been sober for 31 years. Wow Almost 31 we said this I think last week or two weeks ago Irish Irish family's half of them Really still hit the sauce and the other half can't because they they flew too close to the Sun. You know what? I mean, yeah, it's like it's it's down the middle half can half can't right What was the the name of your first email address?

EF dog at earthlink.com and the reason why he was EF dog was I shared it with my wife. Oh, it was Aaron Aaron and fit Simmons, I Was fit see so as Aaron and fit see dog at earthlink.com and we had the same email address For a long fucking time. Wow. Wow keeps you honest. I guess, huh? Yeah, it was cheaper Yes, back when you had a fucking pay for it. I don't even let my girlfriend walk by my laptop Get into my fucking email

Like a dog in the trash, you know, I think yeah, yeah, why do you got two other phones in your sock? Hit her with the shock collar keep it moving not in the sea here All right, this is this one what you know, what kind of candy do you give out on Halloween now? What a fucking question Kevin Ryan this this separates the trash from the class LA bullshit either Well, we go to Erwan and we We valley park at Erwan and they they get some soy and they spray it with You're giving up a rod of cheese the kids in their hands bring your own crackers kids bring your own crackers

No, we go to Costco whatever whatever fucking giant bag you could fund the fun pack cool The fun size. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a strict take one or do you let the kids? You know just kind of get a get a hand in there and keep it moving we do a thing we go to my neighbor's house and He he has a microphone and a very short mic stand and when the kids show up We tell them you get one piece of candy just for showing up if you want a second one You have to sing a song or tell a joke and then the kids tell the funny fucking jokes That's fucking awesome like four-year-olds telling Joe one kid goes. Uh, he says

What do you call a fish with no eyes? That's pretty good There's no fat on that thing, baby. I don't know you're not getting two Snickers out of me with that shit I'll tell you that I want to hear a fucking song. Give me a knock on something. I'll give you a baby Ruth Now you get it the black girls show up and they they will start killing it and be on say Oh, yeah, they'll do the entire fucking song. Oh, I love that Greg if you ever named a star after anyone Somebody gave me that as a gift once I remember that being the shittiest

Name names do we know it's air out you still talk to that guy Now it was my ex my ex-girlfriend. Maybe you know her Sue Custello. Oh, yeah, okay. She's a comedian. Yeah, I did something with her Yeah, yeah, maybe we should name names there fair enough. No, no, no, I did some show or something with her He wasn't looking at my laptop. I'll tell you that much Greg still gets hot Where are you pussies at right now? I'm getting on a flight Have you ever done that? Your car put on some sunglasses. Have you ever Have you ever done that as a dad?

Have you ever like had to like really like threaten somebody that was messing with the kids or anything like that or somebody call in the house? There was a guy we went on a camping trip one time here we go first first fully What did you think the ants he's punching people out on the fucking 401 you think he's he hasn't threatened anybody I want to hear about it losing it on some some like second-grade art teacher something like that now we were it was a bunch of parents and we had we rented a campsite at Yosemite and One and then my son and another kid Gus They had a stick and I guess it was another girl who had a stick and you know, they were like fucking nine Mm-hmm, and I guess they stole the other girl's stick and the father who was a big guy

He got my son and Gus's face and he fucking screamed at them and he threatened them My son was just he was hysterically crying He might even been younger than nine and he came back And I just said where is he? And I went up to his tent and I walked up to him and I did the classic remember the chest bump Yeah, and the only reason I was able to hit his chest is he was he was down a hill and I was above him So I walked into him and I said I said you got one hour to pack your shit and get the fuck out of the campsite What and he just started packing me packed up all his shit and then

What the fuck is this and then my wife my wife was screaming at me and so I went back and I told him he could stay oh Dude talk about a mega flex on something. I thought you were going to pack your shit I'll let yeah, this is me allowing you and your family to enjoy yourselves remember that the Fitzdahl calls his shots around here I mean this guy only thing about being Irish We went out to ice cream that night when you're Irish you heat up, but then you cool down Cold as I got in fist fights with some of my best friends on that later that night, of course wait you went out ice cream with the guy Yeah, a bunch of us went out. Holy shit, huh? Yeah little rocky road to smooth things over With a side of bipolar, please dude. I had no I was expecting

So I walked up to him my chest bumped him. I said you better apologize right now telling a guy To pack up his fucking shit. He probably gets one two weeks vacation a year This guy's on vacation and you're go tell your kids are going fucking home And cut my lawn on the fucking way and blow and go my lawn. Let's do it God damn that is fucking crazy is something else right now hurt his fucking nuts Pack your shit pack your shit. You're going home. You and your daughter who's crying now Pack her up. Yeah, you just ruined her vacation And for quite some time. I'm sure now. I said you're gonna apologize to my son and Gus

And then you're gonna pack your shit that girl definitely has some father issues Wherever you lose dude if somebody you just made a stripper. That's basically what you did You made a stripper and she's gonna have a stick on stage. Nobody's gonna know why She'll be breaking in the money with the stick Um, dude if someone came up to my dad while we were on vacation And told him to pack his shit and go and he started if he even put a sock in a bag I would have been like dude. I'm driving to fuck home. Give me these you stink. I'm out of here But that's the difference. It's the guys that don't like your dad would never do that to a kid

Of course, right and like that's the thing the tough guys They don't fucking act like that. Yeah, they don't say that kind of shit Right, but they will fucking avenge it. That's I remember my dad told the neighbor one time the kid was like 15 He my me and my brother were like, I don't know like six and eight or something And he like punched my brother or pushed me or something and my dad walked He was like kid was like a young teenager. My dad hit him with the line. I'm gonna clean your clock And I was like that is some fucking old school filly shit right there. You just told a 15 year old

Do you got any of those that you break out? Do you have any do you have any sayings like that that you hit the kids with? Um, what do I say to my well my son is 19 now and that's okay He's a varsity athlete. He's fucking ripped and he's three inches taller than me That's bad. He's still scared. We did a lot of slap fighting a lot of wrestling. Yeah, of course The other night I choked him out. He finally tapped but I choked him out. We still wrestle We still go at it and I had him. He was red. He had tears rolling down his face throughout the dinner table And he finally I had him fully around back of the head. He had no he had no way out Jesus what the fuck don't you write for a disney show right now?

So I put ellen in the fucking sleep road That's a big irish catholic trashy thing too is like when you the teenage when the boy Gets into his teenage years. Oh man. You toe off. You peacock around the house. Yeah, and my dad would always hit me with I got one more good one left. Didn't you want it? He goes it can be you if you want it at the end of the day. He knows I will fight to my death Because you can't lose that fight. I can't lose the alpha status. He can lose that fight. You can't I would move I'd have to fucking move Be become a caddy again. I'm like son. Son be home at 11. I bet you go fuck yourself dad

Okay, cool. Anytime's fine. It'd be flexing on you doing like the flinch move on your fucking Yeah, right you turned in the biff at the end of back to the future. Okay, no problem. I'll put the second coat on the car right now Man, dude, that is fucking wild. How do you feel about the comedy of mr. Bean? When I was when I my kids were kids They enjoyed it and I liked it. I like you like anything your kids like yeah, you got the kids card I think he does what he does extremely well. Yeah, it's not my it's not my type of comedy, but he's very talented Okay, all right I love fully at some point took a legal pad and wrote down the words mr. Bean on it

And he's carrying it around all day. Where's that come from? He's going to a deposition I thought it was good. Is that like your dame cook mr. Bean? I don't I thought it was gonna get a laugh. I don't know mr. Bean was the shit growing up. I took a shot What do you want from me? These are we're just riffing here. Greg. Let's pull up. Let's pull. It's all smoking mirrors over here I don't know. I thought it was gonna work. I thought you're gonna get mad at me for a second He was on the camping trip with me It was Gus's dad. It was named was Gus Bean. Um

He's british. They fucking subjugated our island for 700 years starved us to death in the 19th century Fuck that guy. There we go. Let's yeah Now we're now we're cooking. Um, have you ever been to a b y o b strip club? No Very nice class class. What was the last time you were at a strip club? Been a long time. Don't incriminate yourself by the way. I know you're a married man. I don't know if you're still sharing the emails There's a there's a place in LA that's kind of fun. It's called jumbo's clown room. I've heard about that. Yeah And it's like uh, it's just like a down and dirty dive bar that has strippers and they're not necessarily

Uh, good-looking or young but they all have like a hook You know like You know like some of them have like bare feet and they'll stick their feet on your face Some of them dress up as a cowgirl Um, they're like prop strippers. Yeah prop strippers and one girl used to light her vagina on fire And so she was kind of famous She was kind of famous for it. And so I came in one week and I go. Hey, where's the girl that uh Used to light her vagina on fire and and they go

Oh We had to let her go. She had some she had some mental stuff Yes, she's lighting her pussy on fire. Did she really? She wasn't playing with the full deck really Jesus christ This broad's fucking torturing her clam every night for a couple of bucks. She told me she was pre-med. What's going on here? You go in to get your tonsils out. Hey, aren't you the fucking the clam burner? Oh

As a catholic gentleman, I would like to discuss uh christmas. Yes with you if I could um You decorate the house for christmas. Yeah You do colored lights. You do white lights on the outside color Why you got the cash, what are you doing? Can't have fun. Let's go crazy. Did you do colored colored lights when you were a kid? Yeah, I grew up with it with the the fucking the big ones. Yeah, yeah And uh, you know like 60 watts and one of those crack that would kill you the voltage No, the new ones one goes out and the whole fucking strip goes out with the old ones

You just get another bulb. You know, you keep keep the dream alive They were regular fucking bulbs, but you've got to put those in like in your chandelier in the foyer. Yeah, right Right, and then uh, but the real the real trash was A lot of tinsel on top of the tree Do you still do that greg? That that's the mayonnaise of christmas That's the miracle whip of christmas I assume you're a helman's man. I would like to think Uh, no, I'm a uh

Costco Costco guy whatever that's all right. So yeah, that's all right. That's not bad. Okay. All right Um, do you do tinsel now still? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Love the tinsel. He is some new money trash right here We don't do what you're not doing popcorn on the tree. Are you with no popcorn? Okay. Do you have one or two trees? One tree. All right. I don't know you're out in LA. I know you could have one for the butler. I don't know No, it tallyans a lot of it tallyans do two trees Once typically real some real gaudy guinea shit too. It's like red or fucking blue Sometime we were talking to versey puts it on the ceiling. They do an upside down tree

It's real fucking real greaseball shit It's got salami on it. He puts it on the ceiling. They do an upside down tree. No, it's just inverted. It just goes the other way I don't know. Yeah, you ever go out to Bensonhurst at christmas. Oh, I Oh, it's the best dude. That's the greatest plus they shake you down for a little bit of cash out there If you're gonna go down, yeah, because their their electric bill is about You guys go you guys go real tree to go artificial tree now real tree. All right. Okay. Um, yeah I feel like greg's mad at me He's just afraid of older irish men. It's just as upbringing

Now we used to uh, we get the tree every year. There's a lot And uh, you know the mob owns all the lots because it's just a cash business. Sure. Sure. They can bury that money Yeah, so there's a lot that the mob owns of the street And this one guy every year gets us our tree and he's he's this uh old black guy and he's always drunk But he's they all the leaves are drunk. Yeah Yeah, and he sings the whole time. He sings christmas carols. Oh, that's awesome. And then you give him a big fucking tip Love it. And then uh And I always thought wow this guy, uh, this guy makes a really good living

And then my family we uh, we serve food at a homeless shelter And then he he shows up one week and I was like Where do you let I go? I thought you're pretty well off He's like no, I've been homeless for like 12 years. I'm like, oh Greg's like, I thought you're well off. I gave you 40 bucks once a year for the past five years And I thought you'd be rolling in it. Oh, yeah, I guess this job only lasts about three weeks. Yeah at best. Yeah Oh, that's fucking great Uh, all right, let's do uh, we're we're coming up on uh on an hour here. Let's get some of the

Are you garbage basics? These are ones that we go over with everybody. All the listeners have a very, um Are very opinionated about these answers Yes, so the house you live in now, uh, I'm assuming is it a single family home Greg, uh, no, we have a rental unit in the back that we rent out This guy's got fucking passive income streams on the property. Oh, that's right. All right Is there currently a tenant in there right now? That's right. Oh my god. This pilot season's coming up Uncle Hank might be staying for a little while kids. You know, he's got room on my couch

Yo, Greg, you don't want that. Hey, this is Fitz. Where's the almond butter? That's gotta be a big couch Um, do you have a garage currently? No, we converted it into uh, we had a two car garage and we converted it into a giant bonus room Put down some hardwood floors Put in the hardwood floor is nice. That's very nice a couple doors a little bathroom Okay, I got two questions. First question. Do you have to step down into that new room? No Oh

Very nice. I'm gonna talk to the architect on that job. Very nice Also, do you have a refrigerator in that room? Do you have a second fridge in the house or are you just a one fridge family? Uh, it's a mini fridge. Oh Fair enough. There you go. There you go. Not to what's in that mini fridge, Greg Final final question with the fridge Uh, it's just beer Nice for uh, yeah for guests and my son

Nice that would qualify as what we like to refer to it. Are you garbage the garage fridge? If you don't have a nice garage fridge with fucking ice pops for the kids and fucking beers for dad and drinks for uncle hank Right your trash, right a second fridge is the american dream, baby It is Do you currently with dinner? To the children or to you and your wife serve milk while you're eating? Will you have milk with dinner? Um, I like that you say milk. Yeah, that's how I say it and everybody gives me shit about it

That's where that's a real garbage. I must have picked it up in that one year. I lived in sherry. Holy jersey milk It's like herpes you never get rid of it. Do you get shit about how you say milk? Oh, the the listeners fucking they spell it m e l k now. That's how they spell it right um My daughter. Yeah, my daughter drinks milk with dinner. Did you drink milk with dinner growing up? Oh, fuck. Yeah We used to drink it out. There we go. Do you remember those shrimp cocktail glasses that you used to get?

It was a little glass with a top on it filled with shrimp cocktail. Yeah, and and and my parents Kept those held about fucking six ounces and I took we drank milk out of it dinner every night. That's pretty fucking fancy That's like gatsby shit. I like that holy shit No, not if you're saving the glass from the shrimp cocktail to drink. Yeah, no heat tea here That's maybe the trashiest thing I've said in this whole podcast. That's how trashy he is You're drinking milk out of what what I would refer to as a champagne glass That's pretty fucking good to me

I was drinking it out of a coffee mug at dinner at nine years old that said number one dad on it That he bought for himself That he bought for himself. I think I just got one last one. How do you feel about imitation crab meat? Yes No problem with that. Yeah, I'm actually shocked by how good it is I mean, it's like You know, if you if you had to give me one and the other and I had to guess I don't know the difference all about fake crab meat. Yeah, I go to I go to Ralph's which is the shitty grocery store And they have pre-made

Whatever the rolls are that have is it is it the california california roll. Yeah, yeah with the fake crab in it all all over that That's trash. All right. I would have to say Where where are we at? Are we right there? What do you think you think he's garbage? I think he's not garbage There is not a doubt in my mind. He is garbage through and fucking through. Yeah I mean, he was less garbage. It sounds when he was, you know, a six-year-old ordered a coke off kevin Meanie at the country club done. He starts working at the country club. That's a hard left right there You can't go from fucking member to caddy I just want to ask when you only get two dollars a day to eat

You need some passive income. No shrimp cocktail there. I can tell you that One final question At your house now Where do you keep the ketchup after you've opened? Did you keep it in the refrigerator or do you leave it in the cabinet? People leave it in the cabinet A lot of people. Yes. Great answer, Greg. Great answer after opening right at the bottom And how about your maple syrup? Do you leave that in the in the in the fridge? Yes smart man One one more while we're on it. This is in the lock on this guy. I know he's like rolling

He's like wallpaper. Can't get a read on him. Do you butter? Do you keep butter on the counter or do you keep it in the refrigerator on the counter? This guy's fucking garbage. Yes Holy shit. That is old school irish shit That's garbage. That's it. That's a wrap. That's a wrap on Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons is garbage I'll tell you that right now, but the best kind of garbage Greg, is there anything you want the folks out there to know anything you got coming up that you want to do? Want to let us sit on no dates obviously, but I got three podcasts

I got Fitzdogg radio, which is me interviewing other comedians and writers directors And then I have a new one that I'm really excited about called sunday papers That I do with my buddy Mike Gibbons. He's a big showrunner. He created a bunch of tv shows like David Spade's first show on comic central and Tosh.0 So we read the paper Every sunday we read each section of the paper and we do jokes about it

And uh, it's it's very funny. And then I have a nice another one called childish I do with allison rosen where we talk about raising kids. She's got babies I got teenagers and we talk about raising kids Awesome awesome. Well, buddy. Thank you so much for coming on the show. We really really appreciate it. Thank you That was absolutely fucking fantastic. Thank you. You guys are great. It was real. I wish we could do it in person next time I'm in new york. We'll do it. Yeah, hit us up for sure, man. Kippy. Anything you want the folks out there to know? Yeah, uh at kevner and comedy on all social media and you know rate review subscribe on itunes and also on youtube Thanks guys very nice at h foley on ice on twitter and foley grams on instagram

Just to reiterate what kevin said. We thank you guys so much for listening We'll be back next week and shout out to everybody in the live chat Shout out to our producer dylan the kid our executive producer bobby the hutch and of course the entire gas digital family We will see you guys next week. Thank you. See you