Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Hannah Berner Returns!

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Hannah Berner! You know Hannah from Giggly Squad, Call Her Daddy, BFFs podcast, Cancelled w/ Tana Mongeau, PlanBri Uncut, Summer House, Jimmy Fallon, stand up comedy & more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And Tony pulled some strings and got the boys a big show at Parks Casino December 13th. That's right, we're closing out the year in Philly, baby. Yes, all tickets go on sale tomorrow, Tuesday, July 16th at 10am on our website, areyougarbage.com. Get your tickets now because they're going to go quick. We'll see you there. Woo! Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and

welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H-Fully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's out doing a little pool hopping. Okay. A lot of people at work, you know what I mean? She's getting it in. Cooling off. Okay, fair

enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. It's the heat. That's why I didn't get week He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is the chicken parm hero and an international businessman give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody what up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers Are screwed around cooking and obviously the greatest website website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash are youE. Garbage. Go over there and get all your bonus content needs. Yes, you do. How about a nice shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire.

The old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen, everybody. What up, boys? What up, T-Bone? I'm stoked.

We got some athleticism in the building. Oh, he was just talking Wimbledon. A bit of class, if you will. Got an all-state athlete in here. Service! Gang, the long hair ain't lying because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. It has been a minute.

She is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, podcaster, and now international superstar. You can hear her every week on her amazing podcast, Giggle Squad, and she has a brand new special out on Netflix right now in the top ten. We ride at dawn. Give it up for the one, the only Hannah Berner. Everybody. Holy shit. That was incredible. I'd watch that.

Can you do that again? That was fucking amazing. Hey, everybody. You guys. I lunch it. You almost choked on your breath like three times getting it out. You did it. That was.. Hey everybody out there. I lunch it. You almost choked on your breath like three times getting it out. You did it. That was sick.

We got there. We got there. We do rehearsal before you get here. You get people to go on iTunes? I didn't even know people listen to that iTunes. iTunes is big. Spotify's not too shabby either. What about Apple pods?

I don't know the difference. That's the same thing to me. You know what I do with this? That's Apple podcasts. iTunes. iTunes, Apple. Go to bitch. I don't know the difference.

They give you the numbers. They're split up and I don't know. Oh, so you don't even know what iTunes is. You just say it. I just think that the difference. They give you the numbers, they're split up, but I don't know. Oh, so you don't even know what iTunes is, you just say it. I just think that's what you say. Okay. We also put this thing out on cassette,

we're covering all the bases. Yeah, put a fucking pigeon out. Out on vinyl next week. That's for you, Gary. I listen to my music on Napster. He still, he, dude. You're nodding. He got a Napster right now.

He plugs his, like we'll be in the car. You have lime wire that. He plugs in and he goes, open up Napster. I'm like who? What fucking years it did you like Justin Dipper leak? Did you fuck with lime wire? Of course How badass did you feel when you're like my home could get raided? Oh? Didn't use line why I use for pornography And you were really rolling the dice because you didn't know what was getting down Hillary dove come clean now the first thing I ever downloaded online wire was that a buddy's place

I was trying to download pornography videos while he was I don't know what he was doing I was up in his blue prints of the Pentagon and no it was just Get swatted it was just the audio versions of the porn and I burned it on a CD And I went home, and I was like let's go to town. It was just audio Still works At that point you're cranking at the audiobooks little theater of the mind girls are behind my eyelids little theater of the mind. Prettiest girls are behind my eyelids.

Uh, what uh, also first song I ever illegally downloaded, downloaded Napster, went and asked my dad if I could download Napster, he said, yeah don't be doing no weird shit in there. That was the extent of his. And I downloaded the thong song was the first, I had any song I could ever download. Thong thong thong thong.

It was a hit then, it's a hit now. My friend got in trouble because he was like, you had to print out the boobies. And it was like halfway through printing. Who are you talking to? Look at me explain it to you. Tell me more how a teenage boy used to. My mom was like so-and-so's mom walked in

and he was halfway printing boob pics. And I was like, how messed up is that? What a freak, what a little dirty freak. The other half's the phone bill. Look at what's going on here? No, you had to get creative back in the day. Now it's too easy for guys to see pussy. Sure.

That's a once in a while way to put it. Yeah. Quite a lady we got here. See some gas. What? Jesus Christ, Hannah. Buddy, congrats on the smash. Thank you so much.

Netflix, top 10, number two, sitting there number two right now. I'm about to take the crown. I'm behind the man who had a thousand babies, which I think is kind of fucked up Why are we rewarding that guy could use line wire? Take the edge off a little bit Thank you guys for putting me on early in my career When we got you three years ago, then you fucking put us in the dust

But no you guys have exploded since so this is I love being able to come back and talk shit with you You have exploded. It's it's great that J Lo this one that one the Beavers get all the god damn Oh, yeah fucking yeah, I mean you're you're Hugh. I first just I just you forgot it Justin Bieber just reposted your video I don't like process any of it though cuz because it's all on your phone. Sure. So you don't really feel it. And also I didn't go into this interview celebrities, I just wanted to make fun of with comics, asking questions. So then celebs have to come in and be like,

ask these questions, promote this. So look, I sold my soul to Hollywood. Hey baby, nothing wrong with it. Tell Bieber I said what up. He's actually funny. Hit me up! I got a couple demos he's gotta check out. Bieber would be funny on this pod. Oh, he'd be great.

Yeah, text him if you want to. We'll manifest it. Tell him I said what up. He just did that goddamn wedding in India, or whatever it was. He'd come by and see the boys. Also, did you notice that he barely sang? He kept just like putting the mic to the audience.

That was like a, that was a badass move. Quick 10 million out the door, see ya later. It's like doing a podcast show and just being like, you guys to the audience. That was like a, that was a bad ass move. Quick 10 million out the door. See ya later. It's like doing a podcast show and just being like, you guys yell out something. Yeah, what's up? You're just up there doing crowd work? Yeah. I like your dress, what you get?

What do you do for a living, a lot? This is an expensive wedding. Last time you were here, believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, you came up classy. Well this, I remember coming in being like, I'm gonna be so relatable and garbage. And then I kept like being classy. And I remember being embarrassed, upset.

I remember feeling like it was a bad episode. I was like, I didn't go home until my parents. I know, I was thinking animals. You didn't raise an animal. I mean, yeah, it was, you did, I think we, I went back and listened. It was, you were pretty Well classy too. It wasn't even that super also the fact that you're both looking at notes right now is making me very

Back through the ring, I feel like I'm doing a fucking autism test We know you were just eating in the uber you came with the go thing through it in our trash can She came in the Uber. Hit the can real quick. You're drinking something out of that body armor. She came in and said, I got to take a leak. I do have to say. Hey, Fatty, where's the John? I was with Jared Freed this weekend, and we're playing tennis, which is classy. I don't like drinking water. I think it's boring, so I'll put all this weird shit in it, like those little Mio Mios.

I just want a little fun with my drink. Plus, you've got to look cool. When it's a different color than what the water should be, you feel like a rich guy. Yeah, you feel like a Gatorade commercial. So I poured it on myself, no I'm just kidding. But we played tennis and I guess I left my drink out and the next day we go outside

and I suddenly am parched, I'm thirsty, and I see my old bottle there, my bottle. I pick it up, I start drinking, he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, are you drinking that hot bottle? I go, ugh. That's nuts. Look, it's liquid. I drank it.

Yeah, but it's also fucking 95 degrees out. Yeah, and somebody could've came by, peed in it, anything. Imagine someone goes, no be hilarious. This is a long con. Where's the courts, by the way? In West Hampton, there's courts. Just a public court

Yeah, okay, and who are you playing against? This ball machine and I'll also There's my name in high school There's a ball machine at the courses a nice court We're talking about also for the list if you haven't seen her first episode You can play you grew up like I don't want it the prodigy isn't the word but a high-level My first dream was to be a tennis player. Things went awry, I failed, I'm now on RU Arbis.

Sounds like you joined the biker gang or something. Things went awry. I now- That line official had it coming. I make queef jokes for a living now. Sure. But I do think that failure kind of helped me appreciate, you know, look at me trying to get deep.

Sure, of course. You're just drinking that warm Gatorade. No, but course. You're just drinking that warm, warm Gatorade. No, but I'll like, I'll drop popcorn. I'll eat it. I'm a little like, if I'm hungry or thirsty, I don't give a fuck. Okay, well, that's, what did you just eat in the car on the way over here?

And did you ask him, is it okay if I eat in here? That's the thing, that's the one thing, which I think is why my Uber rating's not pristine, because I'm very polite. You know, I don't ask for much, I don't need gum. I don't need, you know, I'm not gonna, I'm fine, I don't care if he smells, I'm like you do you, I respect whatever you do.

But if I'm hungry, and I'm going from podcast to podcast, I don't wanna, I have a fear of being hungry. I've eaten artichoke pizza in the back. I'll have, once I did a fucked up thing. I had a nutribrain bar. Yeah, that's shit. It gets everywhere Oh, yeah, it's like you bite it once and it like it's a grenade Yeah, so um I've they and they definitely look back at me And you don't ask you just get in there with a slice of fucking artichoke I've been bopping the back sometimes like with our job

You know like before a set, you're like, I need to eat, and I'm not gonna like eat on stage. So I'm respecting the audience. Sure. I just like I can't perform when I'm hungry. Hey, you want some kimchi? I got a little bit back here. The place is kicking. No, they're not happy. The Uber drivers are not happy.

I'll only do it if I'm if I had been drinking. And it's got to be like dry food. I keep it the same as like a plane. It's like a bag of Cheez-Its or something like that. That's not gonna stink and I will spill them by accident I've done a tuna fish sandwich. Oh my god No wonder yeah, you're uber rating fucking sucks. Are you doing uber blacks or regular ubers both depending on my mood? Okay, you know sometimes it's like way too expensive for the black and I'm like let don't fucking rip me off But then every now and then it's kind of affordable and I might be feeling myself like I want to ruin your car

They got a nice car. I can fucking stink up. It is true though when it's not an uber black You're like you're lucky that I'm even here Those those ubers get get ran through real quick. You get in some of them, it's like, you're like, this is a 92 Corolla and the AC ain't working and God damn it. And they don't even say anything. I like it though, that feels New York-y.

They never say, sorry, the AC's not working, you're just like, huh, huh. Yeah, and they don't move a fuck. Fighting for your life in the back. It's very much like, it used to be, it's still a fantastic service, specifically outside of New York, but New York, it's like, you get in the Uber

and they act like they're doing you a favor. Like, you're like, hey, can you drop me off on your way to work? You're like, motherfucker, I'm paying for this. Why are they always having the most intense conversations on the phone? Somebody's always getting it. They're always breaking up with someone

or someone owes them money. I'm like, do you wanna do this on your own time? I'm getting invested. I don't know what language they're speaking, but I'm like, you someone or someone owes the money. I'm like, do you want to do this on your own time? I'm getting invested. I don't know what language they're speaking, but I'm like, you must stand up for yourself. I always have the guy be very polite and go, hey, do you mind if I make a phone call real quick? And then they lose their mic.

You said it was a bitch on KS! You two-timing whore, you never loved me! Hey, you want to stop by and straighten this guy out? I'm with you. I was like, you always do this to me. I'm like, okay. I had one guy go, do you mind if I take a call? I said, no, buddy, you do you. But me. I'm like, OK. I had one guy go, do you mind if I take a call?

I said, no, buddy, you do you. But then he put it on the Bluetooth system in the car. So I'm just in the backseat of a minivan. Chiming in. You're in a conference call. I was just like, I'm in your family meeting right now, dude. I'm one of your kids. Well, you get loud.

Will you get loud in the back of an Uber, whether it's a conversation with somebody that you're in there with, say you're tiffing, you got something going on, or if you're talking to somebody on the phone. Do you mind letting the business out there? If the person is chatty with me in the beginning, I feel like they're listening in on my conversation.

So I'll start using code words. You know, not like there's a do you have the stuff? But like, you know, I feel like I won't say like, fuck them. I won't say pussy. OK. I mean, they're not a fucking priest. Well, I mean, I're not a fucking priest To like be in my shit also I like you know I want to find the phone like joking with someone sure I want to make them laugh And then I'm like let's keep it you know late night TV talk show host that okay

Um I don't doing some of the old stuff back here. I'm bad though cuz I don't I'm bad at lying I'm bad at lying because like they bad at lying because they ask me, what do you do? You know, when someone ubers. And I've lied before and been like, oh, I'm going to see friends. And we're like at a college, because I'm doing a college gig. And they're like, oh, how old are you?

And I'm like, I'm 32. Then I start looking creepy. And then you're like in a lie. I was in the army before this. And I'm like, I'm helping my friend. And then they'll say maybe something about like entertainer something I'm like I'm in comedy like I've I can't lie. I get I'm sorry I like the it I get so weird and I spilled soup even on a plane. Well you said I spilled soup back here

On a I don't know tied pen by any chance of from breeze. I don't know what it is about me I think I have an arresting friendly face Cause people will always ask me for directions, which I have the worst sense of direction. Nobody listens anyway. Yeah, no, yeah. You should be asking for fucking directions anymore. The second you give me two rights, I'm out. Oh yeah, thanks.

What do you say? Yeah. I always go, give me your phone, like I'll put it in the GPS. Yeah. But on a plane, they start talking to me. I've had some of the most crazy conversation on planes, and I'll ask other comics, like how do you get out?

And they're like, first when they ask you something you have to go, wait what? Like you can't be like initially friendly. So I have to practice being like colder. Especially cause some of these flights I'm like, this is about to be the best nap I'm gonna have in my life. I sleep on planes. And I don't want to just like a stranger who's bored

to ruin my REM sleep. I'm usually stuck next to this guy You get talk about ice and you get the short end of that's like we don't even know sometimes We'll sit down on a plane together and whole Start talking to me like we're not best friends like does that make sense with him the last yeah a hundred hours I'll be like yes, so what's new? Nine days again, what do's new? What's new, motherfucker? We spent the last nine days together. What do you mean what's new? Give me a little peace and quiet.

Who's like more of a classy diva with the whole plain stuff? He's a diva. Am I? Yeah. You like your drinks quick. You really roll your eyes if they give you a little pushback on the beverages. They give you that bullshit you could get a champagne or a mimosa But they can't make you a drink and then you got to wait till I get up to 10,000 feet I mean this guy's gonna make it to 10,000 now with your fat ass with the bloodies. Let's go Yeah, no he got showing up at hell sober Gonna be a little cranked up so I can start running my mouth

He gets a little uh Let's go you went from I'm not a diva to all fights a And then like he'll give me like oh you're real peach to sit next to him I got my foot you're coming off a hangover, and you don't you don't have your hooch in yet Fucking breaking my stuff. He's tweaking Let's find I want to I want to come on we got it we got it And now a word from BetterHelp everybody. Man, you just glammed it. I wanna prove this kid's garbage.

We saw you at LaGuardia and you really, so when we travel, there's five of us that go out. We got me, Foley. You guys are like Kevin Hart. You're like him with the fucking huge SUV, 20 guys behind you. We do roll deep. It is not. You guys were roll beep. It is not.

You guys were rolling deep. It is not financially responsible. Not intimidating, but you rolled beep. You might have seen six of us. So the cutest part was I'm running. I didn't view it as this. It was so cute. It was your perspective that really changed how I see it.

This is my perspective. Yeah, because you guys were probably just like, living life, trying to survive. And they're all sitting at a table. I didn't even know you could all sit at a table somehow when men like plan things I think it's so cute cuz I'm like who started this who decided we love this mo we love getting to the airport doing this I could tell you all were like in this moment sitting you're drinking your coffee you're eating they're having

brunch yeah I didn't realize so airport breakfast my head we're getting breakfast but you walked up you go well this little brunch date I was like we are just six queens out having brunch. We're not even flying anywhere. I'm literally running I'm like so I gotta go make some money gay Same book in our hand Memoirs of a gays is all right. Tell me what the last chapter meant to you Memoirs of a Geisha is alright. Tell me what the last chapter meant to you. You guys were so cute and organized and fun. And like this is our life so you might as well find...

We try to have... we get to the airport way too early just so we can make sure we have breakfast. Do we like a breakfast at the Palm? Yeah we do. What are you going to do? The JFK Palm. If you're ever in JFK, swing by the Pom, because we're in there. Kebi, this is Blue Chew. Shout out to Blue Chew, gang. Shout out to Blue Chew for making

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to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors, LLCors LLC is an SEC, Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosure information at acorns.com slash garbage, do it, do it. I live like 20 minutes from LaGuardia, which is a little dangerous,

cause like you could kind of just roll out of bed, but if there's one like accident, it's like chaos. That's a very New York thing, it either takes 10 minutes or an hour. 100%. And you have to minutes or an hour. 100%. And you have to account for the hour. 100%, so yeah, I'm pretty much,

I'm flailing most of the time, and I don't have time, I'm not a morning person, I don't do the morning. That was a little bit of star power, when you came over, new guy Luke texted his girl, he was like, Hannah B just said, what's up to us? That was very, that was my wife too. You're killing it, baby.

You saw Hannah B, yeah. I love when the girlfriends or the wives ride for me. Sure. And then they'll be like, oh look at her shit. My girl likes her. And I'm like, you like your girl? And your girl's great taste. Cause she likes you.

Do the math, do the girl math. Yeah, my cat was hyped. I love cats. What's your cat's name? Lil' Stank. I'm crying. That's the cutest thing ever. That is the cutest baby ever. Invite her to brunch. What's your cat's name? Lil' Stank. I'm crying. That's the cutest thing ever. That is the cutest baby ever.

Invite her to brunch! What are you doing? We're getting 1140 out of LaGuardia tomorrow. If you're in town. So do you guys text each other brunches at this place? Well, it depends. We find out what gate we're at, and then obviously every-

Who gets jacked up at TSA? Every gate, every terminal, every airport, we have a go-to spot. I wanna normalize more like boys brunching, because think about it, it's mimosas. It's chatting about the last night. We do. It's a girls' version of the green room.

Yeah, that's what we, I mean, it's, yeah, we're a very breakfast heavy crew. And you could pig out because like, you don't get off, I'm gonna get my steps in. This is lunch and breakfast, it's two meals and one. Well we also have another lunch after brunch, but we're a big crew. Fucking couple of heavy bike boys coming in.

Take me back, you said you're not a morning person, I wanna do this step by step. What is the morning routine? When you wake up. At what time? It's not good. You got nothing going on, no flights, you just have shows in the city, what time you waking up?

Around 10, 15 I'm starting to murmur. Okay. My cat butter. Okay. Not to compare cats, but she's beautiful, she looks like Cindy Crawford. She's murmuring and then I go straight to the phone. Cause I- In the bed straight to the phone. Yeah, need the dopamine hit. Gotcha. I don't fucking jewel,

let me have my fucking moment. Okay. Then I'm immediately stressed cause I realize I have sure I have a pending the wires I have crossed very bad morning anxiety Like morning anxiety is like all the expectations of the day the things you have to do it hits me And then I kind of stay in bed till literally I have to pee so bad And like a nighttime I'm free I'm free I'm creative like so bad. That's crazy. I do the same thing, man. And like nighttime, I'm free. I'm free. I'm creative.

Like 2 a.m., I'm coming up with like ideas to save the world. 10, 30 a.m., I'm terrified. Man, holding a pee in bed is crazy. Yeah. Well, I'll get up to eat or pee. Because once you get up, the world awaits. Are you back in bed? If you get up to pee, you're on the phone.

Are you going back? Are you laying back down? My ideal day, I have one of those couches that you can lay down on. In the room? It's a couch. Yeah. I think every couch you can lay down on. Like, I'm not trying to brag.

No, I can lay across on mine. It's like a sectional so you could lay your legs out. Like a Shae's Lounge. So it's basically a bed. It's an L. It's a couch. It's a couch. I'm trying to get her there. it's basically a bed. It's an L. Yeah, it's an L. It's a couch. It's a couch.

I'm trying to get her there. It's a God damn couch. I don't know what kind of hillbilly thing we're approaching. It's a long sofa. I mean, we're trash. I'm not an idiot. I got couch money. Oh my God.

So I go on and I put on the tennis channel. Okay. Because there's always a tournament on. Sure. I love these small tournaments. You see these coming up. It's like, I said it's like ASMR. like you just hear it in the background and then um are you making the bed no no what's breakfast looking like you're doing like

a bar yogurt or you like cookie you're like I wouldn't make what I mean what I tend to do like especially if it's like in between touring and stuff I'm uber eating Starbucks with a Feta spinach spinach wrap it's pretty good. We're egg bite people over here, and I'll fuck with an egg bite Sometimes it tastes too much like egg to me like the texture gets it sure I have one That's a little you know to rub they can go south no cooking. You're not making breakfast You know do the last meal you cook ever mom is working mama's working Working okay. What was the last meal you cooked ever? Mama's working. Mama's working. Mama's working, okay? What was the last meal you cooked?

Well, like every now and then, my husband and I like pretend that we are adults, like we cosplay as adults. And recently we did, I know how to make pasta. Whoa, pasta end account for breakfast. Frozen meatballs, frozen meatballs, put them in the air fryer. I mean, what is your 30s without discovering the air fryer?

I love it, I love it. I've been heavy on it. But this isn't cooking. Wait, this is so trashy. This is what fucking messes is. This is in the city. Are you for real? I'm kidding.

Is this out on the island or in the city? This is on the island. What, on the island you're doing this? On the city I'm not cooking? That Uber's too convenient. When you say making pasta, do you mean- It's a box. You're boiling noodles.

I feel so attacked right now. I'm not Mario fucking whatever he's doing. But she's not Nana Pina. What do you mean she's making French- I'm not Mario. I'm not Bobby Flay. But when I first cooked for Dez when I was pretending I was someone I wasn't,

I took a Pennella vodka can- How do you like your bologna? And I poured it in, because when I'm alone, I like the hot pasta with kind of the cold sauce. It's interesting. And he goes- That's one way to put food.

He literally looked at me and he was like, you didn't heat up the sauce? And I was like, you fucking diva. And he's like, it's just, everyone heats up the sauce. This is insane behavior. And I was like, okay, don'll do another 10 minutes on the side. Another pot. Who's going to clean that?

It's going to taste the same. No, I'm not. I know people that do that. I'm cooking for myself. I do. I only cook for myself. I mean, dude, that's frozen. Dude, frozen meatballs.

Do you know what it is? I'm 32. It's crazy. And I've missed the time where I like should have become domesticated. And now you're out working. Now that I'm like working and making money. I'm like an alley cat. We don't need to learn it.

Sure. I can get Uber Eats. That is that is a. You're just dragging in birds on top of the back porch. I'm scurrying. You got a delivery driver by the neck. Wait, so you get up, brush the teeth, all that stuff? Yeah, but sometimes...

You got great teeth. Oh my God, thank you. I did get them whitened like a year ago. I gotta do that. I got bad chompers. It really does... It changes your whole, like, theater. Give me the number.

Is it Bieber's guy? I mean, you do a little tag, you can go a lot. I mean, I don't got the numbers you got, but sure. I've been doing baking soda. What's a buff job like that run you? I wouldn't, probably a couple hundred dollars. It's not crazy. It's not, like it's four, $500, $400.

I got that. And literally walking in a room, people be like, oh my God, Kevin. Does it work in one shot? You have to, one shot, but they do like two or three rounds. OK. And you get to watch TV during it.

You could play a podcast. You could listen to Giggly Squad. They got limewire in there? You could watch porn now, if that's what you're into. But there's a controversy here about, I just started drinking coffee this year, because like, Tor got a little too crazy. I was more like a matcha chai tea love a macha

That's that growing up like as in your 20s your weren't drinking coffee. I think cuz I watch it Just got invented like two years ago Where the hell would you find the net? What are you living in Tibet? Where the fuck did you get? It's granola like lesbians really hot you like that's what I was raised I just came up with matcha. I feel like the Japanese have been doing it. Yes, ancient I don't even know when the 10th century Duncan don't got it. I'm out

Don't get so good Duncan's much is it so good Well, there's a couple doughnut holes in there Duncan's is it so good Well, there's a couple donut holes in there He'll come at me cuz when the lorrie side which is like the best coffee shops in the world that I'm ordering Starbucks But sometimes I just I know what they have a man boys do it right in time I love a Duncan sure have a little wrap one those little wraps a little baby one But this is the question do you brush your teeth before or after coffee I Brush it before I think if coffee? I brush it before.

I think if you don't brush it before, you're never going to do it. I have my rule of brushing teeth, which is bad. Hence why they're quite yellow. The SIGs and the the coffee aren't great. I don't brush my teeth till I leave the house. So what if you don't leave the house? Well, that's that's up for discussion. I mean, it depends on my wife's home or not.

No, that's so real though. Yeah, what the fuck? Who's on trial here, Hannah B? Ha ha ha ha! I got one for you. Would you ask Bieber that question? Kippy does this. Whoa!

When you brush your teeth, do you walk around or do you brush them right at the sink there? I, for some reason, am like, chaotic with it. It's too brazy. I can never keep it in, like it's always like, like dripping out of my mouth like you Know people who like are perfectly keeping. I don't know. It's like a sitcom Yeah, exactly walks around conducting the second I start brushing. It's going everywhere, so I don't like walking around

I have to keep it right above and like let's be honest. I'm doing 45 seconds. Okay. Are you flossing every time you brush um Okay, I feel like I'm at the doctor right now. Do I lie? I'd say like twice a week off floss. Okay. But it's better. I didn't used to, but I started to be better because I've had a couple pods where I'm like, that's a sesame seed. Sure. Sure.

That's a sesame seed. Couldn't I have raspberries? What about at night? Do you brush them every single night? One thing about night, I will always brush my teeth unless I fall asleep on the couch and then I feel like you get woken up if you brush your teeth and you don't wake up. The move from the couch to the bed is a very calculated,

you can't be doing shit. Is there a nightly routine as well? I shower every night. Every night? Like I can come home at 2 a.m. from going out, I'm always showering. That's pretty good, you get a better sleep. And I don't shower in the morning.

Ever? No. Really? You didn't shower this morning? No. You showered last night? No. No. Get it, what was the last time you showered?

Last night and I was fucked up because I feel like you guys should have been there. I had my premiere party. You didn't shower? Oh, okay. I had my premiere party and we got home. I don't think I got invited. Wait, that's crazy, but you know what?

I feel like I was kind of paranoid inviting comics, being like, they have shit to do at night. Sure, I get that. I'm not gonna make them fucking suck my dick. But there was unlimited drinks, but it's okay. We'll do it again. I like how you got back and didn't shower. I like how you know that'll get me out of the house.

I was too tired. Say you needed to shower this morning. And I woke up and got my makeup done. Really? Because I had to do a TV thing. Being a girl comic is hard. Wait, you did TV? You did TV to do a TV thing. Being a girl comic is hard. Wait you did TV unshowered?

Girl. You just have to believe in yourself. Yeah you might be a fucking dirt bag. No I am. That's why I was so mad about the last episode. I felt like I was misrepresented. Who did the makeup? At the place or do they come to your house and do it?

So I get my girls to come to my house. That's pretty classy. Now how long will you keep that on? Will you be like I got to get two or three days out of this? I don't know how makeup works. Today I've done I did this morning I did this is my second pod and I'm doing one more thing tonight so I'm getting my money's worth. There you go. What's that set you back? It could be like it's around like $600 to get your hair and makeup done. You could do it TV though. Wouldn can't do it TV

Wouldn't they do it there? For Fallon yesterday did but Michael Cox the Booker was laughing so hard cuz you know, I got my stylist I got these whenever you move they're fixing her hair and I'm like, this is so different than when like you go to a show It's just like a school shooter and they're like you look great. Get out there be yourself where I'm like like you look great, get out there, be yourself. Where I'm like, is this eyelash on correctly? Do we fit in? I love it, I love to hear that. You got the squad with you.

Yeah, it is fun and you try to surround yourself with people who have calming energy. I'd be losing it. Yeah, we gotta try doing that. We go with five lunatics. But also you need to stay laughing at each other. You have to keep the vibes up, so it's good. You can't have too much sanity around you.

So no shower, but you had the makeup done this morning. Yeah. OK. Yeah. All right. But normally. I'll change my underwear every day. There you go. Not to get boxers.

What are you working with? Oh, I do granny panties from Amazon. I'm obsessed. Amazon granny panties. How many do you order at a time? Well, if you come back from tour and you don't have time to do your laundry, we're ordering Amazon. Or I'm going to Walgreens

wherever I am. You're buying Walgreens underwear? You know what? Yes. I thought about that the other night. Yes. The other night. It's a game changer. Did you ever write your name in them? Yeah. It's crazy.

Do you give yourself a wedgie? No, I don't like thongs. Me either. I got one on that. What are you talking about? I wear my wife's underwear all the time. No, so I have two little compartments in my closet that have my socks and my underwear.

And the other day I went to get a pair of underwear and I saw, it was, I had just gotten a whole bunch of socks that were all the same exact socks. I have a bunch of underwear that are all the same underwear. And I looked at it and I was like, you're doing pretty good. Well, I just- You're doing all right. When you have that organized and everything's the same,

you don't gotta think about it. That's the trick. Nothing's ripped. It's a real low bar, dude. You never lose a sock when they're all the same. I think that just sheds some light. Yeah, you never lose a sock. I do have to say, the one thing about life

that can really overwhelm me is when you have too much shit that doesn't match and you have clothes piled up from toys. That's what I'm talking about. All I want is things to be organized But unfortunately, I don't have I'm not gonna do it. Okay Speaking of Tori doing things there so far Kevin showered in a couple of days dude underwear Got a pair of sheaths going we're tucked in there

She's got a pair of sheaths going. Got a wiener tucked in there. What, you're on the road a lot. What's the, you're doing some pretty big venues. You're moving some tickies as we say around here. What's in the rider? Do you have a rider? Oh my God, yes. I get, this is the worst part of my trip.

Okay, white Gatorade, zero. Well, really? White Gatorade, zero. White cherry. Because, The cherry one. Yeah, if you do a cherry ice or something, if you do a color, it like dyes your tongue and your lips,

so I want the white one, and I will chug it. Trashy flavor, classy answer. Yes. I think that's you. Whole special with a purple tongue. That's me. Really, but then I get bananas, which I don't eat. Then I get OK, this is fucked up.

I get turkey. So just like deli meat turkey. OK, we should start doing it. It's like it's just protein. I feel like it's like on a tray or just like in the bag. It's a wide range. Sometimes they get these slimy, like cheap ones. Sometimes they like have nice ones. So it's a real sometimes I like gag looking at it

Yeah, then for a second. This was like a moment in time. I said hard-boiled eggs. Oh And it lasted for like three weeks and then like I think I got reported yeah I think the comedy community was like oh You know cuz I'm trying to think of like an athlete like what do you eat before like a match and I was googling and they Were like turkey, eggs. It's not the NFC jammy. No, I fully treated it like I'm about to run a fucking marathon, let's go, throw me in coach.

You're in there carbolodon. I'm about to goof off. They would get these like, gas station eggs that are like in yellow. Sometimes they make weird. Yeah. Are they shelled or de-shelled? De-shelled already.

They're probably hatched Deformed little yes We get I fucked up with that and then I get just bars like sure green bars nice cliff bars All right, those many bars are good. I actually like this I just say bars and I see what they bring me do you take anything out of there with you I? I have four bars in my bag right now. I'm not leaving a green room without taking the bars with me. Sure, I respect that. Or the eggs.

You're gonna play some rock video and you're gonna pull up to a bunch of Xanax. No, literally. I have so much shit from the green room, I bring it. Yeah, and then people will come in, I'll be like, do you want some turkey? And they're like, no, thank you. Yeah, wacko.

They're like, actually, I never want to see you again. Some turkey and eggs if you need it. So it's a horrible rider. And people judge me. I'm like, what do you want me to get in my rider? Champagne, what do you want? That's all pretty legit. The eggs is the only thing that I would say raises

the question. And it was a mistake, and I canceled it. And you've corrected yourself. I've corrected it. I like the white Gatorade. The sliced turkey makes sense. It's like, because you're there, you do need a little something to nosh on if you just landed or you were in a car for a while. I did get popcorn, because I like the white Gatorade. The sliced turkey makes sense. It's like because you're there, you do need a little something to nosh on

if you just landed or you just you were in a car for a while. I did get popcorn because I like popcorn, but then I... Skinny Pop, what are you doing? A lot of time they do Skinny Pop. Like a Skinny Pop. The problem is there's no way to classily eat it because no one's ever gotten all the popcorn in your mouth. And then if it gets stuck in your tooth, oh, that ruin your set.

The Gatorades, are they the minis? Are they the the little, the medium sized? are they the minis are they the the little the Biggest ones you want the big I walk around with these fucking tubs around I'm like soaked in it when they give me these little ones. That's no I'll put your dip spit in there when they're empty Yeah Never did before Why don't women dip, but men dip? I don't know. The ladies don't do the zins either, do they?

A lot of them do. Really? We haven't met the real women. The ones who live under the L somewhere. Hanging out with carnies. Zins and septum pierce like, holy shit. No, girls do it. Will you eat at the bar?

You like eating at the bar if you go to a restaurant? Yeah. You girls do it. Will you eat at the bar? You like eating at the bar if you go to a restaurant? Yeah, you'll do it. I don't like waiting in line So if they're like, oh we got a corner bar thing, but I don't want to talk I'm not like trying to talk to people when I'm alone. Are you on the sauce? Are you drinking? Are you off the sauce? I'm not a big drinker, but like yeah, I was drinking last night If I drink this morning, I feel like if I what's to? I'm drinking right now. Um, espresso martini. Glace. But also trashy. Yeah. Yeah. When are you having that? You're not. Okay, let's

say. All right, let's say we're. I get it at the bar. We're all going out. We're all going out. We're meeting for drinks. It's eight o'clock. Yeah. We walk into the bar. Yeah. You've had dinner. Yeah. That's your. You're not drinking those all night, right? It's heavy, but there's something about when I drink, I'll get kind of sleepy. So I'm like, I need something to keep me going. You're drinking espresso martinis all night?

Espresso martinis, fuck my shit up. And you have diarrhea, so then you feel snatch, skinny, light as a feather on the dance floor. Tight. So I'm fucking, you know, beer makes you bloated espresso martini It's like well. You're not pooping at the bar. Are you oh, I'll poop anywhere Well really I go to restaurants first thing I do is go to the bathroom To see that I want to see the energy you know you don't know restaurants. You know the bathroom vibes I agree with you know girls. They're like I can't poop in public. That's the only place. I want to poop

I want I'm like a dog marking my territory. I've shat in every bathroom in Manhattan. I'll go to the stand with girls who are like, hey, liked your set, and I go, hold on one second, go to the bathroom. Wait, you're so scared right now, your eyes are scared. No, no, no, no. That's just a lot to feel.

I'll do cute poops, like cute quick poops. I don't know what that is. That doesn't exist in my book. I'm doing I'll do like cute poops like cute quick poops. I don't know what that That doesn't exist in my book. I get I'm doing hazmat Shutting down the restaurant kind of guy the gas company's gotta come. Oh, I get I get a nervous tummy though Do you guys not get nervous like poops before I got bigger stuff go? Will you make a move on that in the middle of dinner? Say the apps come. You have the apps. The best thing after the apps is cleansing the butthole. Oh my God. Before the meal.

Dope it in the middle of dinner. Oh my, that's the best. You just leave your husband at the dinner at a restaurant while you're fucking cranking a douche. She's got a toothpick in her mouth. If I have to. That last potato skin's mine, I'll be right back. But I'm fast with it.

Like I do it so fast, everyone assumes I peed. I'm a quick, I go quick. Yeah, I wouldn't. I would be busted and I'd be gone half an hour. Come back my one sleeves, roll back. You know some people like pooping, you're like, oh I'm not gonna see them for two hours. Get them all the magazines or whatever. Get them line wire.

But no, I'm quick with it so people can't really tell. But I feel like you walk out waving a newspaper. No. Do not go in there. The funniest thing is as a girl, you can always just be newspaper. I know. I like that. Do not go in there. The funniest thing is, as a girl, you can always just be like, the guy before me. Yeah. No one's attributed it to you.

No one would believe. That's even like farting on the dance floor. No one thinks it's you. It should be my next album. Yeah, they all think it's me. Burner. All right? If we were together, you'd get all the hate.

Yeah, I know. I can't come out of the bathroom in a comedy club and somebody put the number for me. And there's some good looking girl. I'm like, I swear to God, it wasn't me. They're like, OK, fat ass. Disgusting. It's like she's so sad. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve that. He does.

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required, which is the equivalent of 15 bucks a month. New customer for new customers on their first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, restrictions apply. See me mobile for details. Let's get back to that show. Back to the show. Huh. Do you have any euros currently?

Oh my God, I do. There you go. In my... In your wallet right now I'll it right now classy. I did my first, but you can't do shit with it. It's stupid. Yeah, yes a throw people I'm sorry No, I went for the first time ever I went to London to do shows and that wait That's not your first time in Europe my not my first time in Europe, but the first time in London

I haven't been to Europe that really I go to Ireland with that of course Yeah, that's my shit But I would say Ireland. We saw him at the Dublin Air Force. We flew out with him It was on our flight. Whenever anyone does anything in Ireland, Des is there. It's crazy He's part of the, he hosts. It was very funny cuz that customs the guys like what do you do for cuz I had to check All the gear bags the guys like what do you do for a living? I was like why he's like you checked 15 bags. It was fucking 3000 tons. You have 10 dudes with you. I was like, oh, I was like a production.

He's like, what kind of like I'm a comedian. And then Des got the same fucking guy. There's like a lot of comedians on this flight today. And that's like, I knew you were I knew you were in the terminal. Like you're like the god damn godfather over here. He's the mayor of something. But you guys must have loved Ireland. Yeah, I mean it was.

It was a problem. We left three days early, because we, it was like. You had to move yourself. Yeah, it was fucking devastated. Yeah. The homeland. The homeland. I had just coming off, I just stopped doing Ozempic so we can go,

and man, it was like. Wait, have you been open about your Ozempic journey? Yeah, very open about it. Did you get any nausea? Oh my god. It wasn't worth it. It's so bad I got back on it. You're back on it. Yeah, awesome. Yeah, it's brutal. It messes me up Tommy doodoo's You're very LA right now. Oh, it's bad, but I got off it for Ireland and yeah, that's

Enjoy the food. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it was a it was a it was mother's milk That's my homeland right there baby. I'll tell you that. Come see me at Kilkenny. Oh yes! Woo! Wee! Couple sausage rolls. Potatoes. Do you have any half used gift cards currently? She's got them. I have a ton of gift cards in my wallet that I've never used. Okay. To like McDonald's. You have McDonald's gift cards? Starbucks. I wish I had my purse right now. Wait, can you actually grab my purse in there?

I need to show you what's in my purse. I know this is not ideal for a podcast. No, I like it. Those euros are mine. A gun falls out. So I have a whole bit in my special about how for gun safety, I think the only people that should be allowed to have guns are the girls.

And I joke that no one gets shot because we lose it in the uber and like sure What is the purse by the way, um, this is a vintage purse I got like in Touring somewhere. It was like $20. Okay, it's dirty. I don't want an expensive purse Was it like cool at the time? Like was it was it was a good bar? I think it was cool. Like it's cool. Is it vintage in those are the good bars. I think it was cool like it's cool in a vintage way. Is it vintage in the same- okay. But no girls like oh she's doing well. Oh she's got the whatever.

You don't got like a Louis Vuitton or Marc Jacobs or whoever it is? I have one Miu Miu. What's a Miu Miu? It's a fancy bag. It's like kind of a Prada. Okay. That's my one bag. Okay. How much was it?

Like two thousand. Ooh. But I don't fucking buy bags. Huh. You got a car. What are you whipping around in? Cuz I'm sure that does I do we don't own it. You don't know we have An out we lease an Audi. Okay, I think Audi's like respectable very respectful classy means you're doing well You're you're responsible. We we don't want to look like we're going through a midlife crisis sure Okay, so I have my bars from the green rooms That bag is packed to the gills crazy. Okay, so this is an old wallet that I've had for years

Um oh my god. That's a commie This is trash This is a massage parlor in Chinatown that I went to once it was amazing and they were like you can get points or whatever Okay, ten times get one free you only went once I got But you never know okay, and it was a great new segment I have Yeah, bath and Beyond $100 nice they had a business 250 for And no live nation give me

I don't have a driver's license Jesus Christ. So I I don't know what I'm doing with that Duncan told you wrong with a Duncan card then You know what's on here? Oh a 20. Wait, is that a euro one euros? I'm not lying That's a pound Bank of England. Oh It's all right 20 pounds. There you go. Yeah I'm not lying. That's a pound Bank of England. I know. It's all right. Twenty pounds. There you go. Yeah, there you go. That's like ten grand here. Foley's 400 pounds. And then I have a photo of me and Andrew Collin in a bathroom. OK, a couple of Polaroids.

While touring. OK. OK. That's that's a lot. Yeah. That just says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. This is my calendar. From when? Who knows? You don't have a spreadsheet or anything? This was from a long time ago.

I'm checking the balance of this Duncan card. My social security card. What are you doing with that? I didn't know it was here. You're going to lose that. I just showed it to everyone. That's crazy. Yeah, we'll blur it. That's wild.

And then this is probably the trashiest thing I have in here. This is my keys. Oh, it's a cute little crock. Thank you. That's all right. There's no keys on it. You have no keys. You have a key chain with no keys.

Did you see that? That's like what nine-year-olds do. You have a mailbox key. How do you get into your home? What, are you going into the window? That's crazy. Letyear-olds do. You have a mailbox key. How do you get into your home? What are you, going into the window? That's crazy. Let me see that again. There's no keys on that.

There's no keys on that. What do you do? Somebody have to let you in? That's not. You need a handler. If your house is messy enough, you don't have to lock it because people think someone already broke in.

Do you know your Duncan pain bite in the chest? He's checking all my card values. That's funny. You guys can have this if you want. No what do you mean what do you got to guess up the outing give it to your husband. The only problem is there's no shells around here. You gave all the garbage guys. I have them too. Driving around trying to find a loot coil. I gotta drive fucking 90 miles to find the shell. I'm losing money on it. If you want to know about a woman, ask about what's in her purse.

Yes, that's very good. Her day to day purse. How do you feel about the three bars? That's a lot, right? Three different brands she had. Yeah, that's a lot. And it went trashy pretty quick you went from the good RX The three bars

That did you put them in this morning? No, they look like they was a first cliff bar ever made Was the first cliff bar ever made Accumulate them randomly if I see one I go I might need this and they come in handy like sure when you start having your Your load blood sugar moment sure but cliff bars there a lot like you feel like you have a rock in your that's a cookie Oh, they're the best. I do I'll fuck with like you know the Lenny's cookies or those like yeah teen cookies no I I like to be high in it's a fucking cookie Okay, they call it a plant-based cookie. Maybe yeah plant-based. It's a cookie. I can't look our Luke our producer does one I can't remember. What's the brand that he does that I like? Oh the ones that are literally cold like milkshake and Snickers I can't remember. I love when it tastes like a snickers

Did you like it? Do you like the old power bars back in the day? Love. That's a good shoe. I mean, it's so dry. Oh, at least I love it. You got to mix it with some white Gatorade. Oh, dude, a power bar and a Gatorade? I used to eat like a box of them. That's my entire childhood. Yeah, they're so good.

Every athlete knows that. Uh-huh. Have you been to a TJ Maxx or Marshalls in the last 30 days? I went to a Coles recently. You have any Cole's cash? I do. I do. We had to like get stuff for the house.

And you Cole's'd it up. So we went to Cole's. Did you see my mom there by any chance? I did. Is there a Sephora in that Cole's? Yes. There you go. And I was like, I wanted one thing and they were like, we don't have it.

And I'm like, I thought Sephora had everything. I'm a Sephora man. Sephora's great. Yeah. You're doing the serums. I do the CI serum. He thinks they're candy. And I have a really good toner. It's the pink bottle. I think there's a watermelon on the cover. Do you think toner is, oh I know what you're talking about, you think toner is made up? No, it tightens up the pores. No, he thought he was gonna give him abs.

Shit ain't working! Give me that clip bar. What's the what's the scented candle situation in your crib so my husband doesn't like smells of any kind Shower every fucking night Jesus Christ He doesn't like the like sweet. He'll be like it's like the most pleasant like the fake You know like what the fuck is that like once? I bought like an air purifier that you put a little lavender and he goes what the fuck is that he hates it He hates it. I would do him good. Yeah a little lavender. Oh fuck. Yeah. I was trying to calm him down I got him more angry

So I also to like you know when someone wears too much perfume, it gets you nauseous? I try to, I think honestly I'd rather someone smell authentically. And I think those pheromones actually connect people. I think wearing too much stuff, it just tastes, it's like synthetic. That's my problem. I gotta stop showering. Stop showering. No, I, cause you know, girls like love to smell their boyfriend's armpits.

What? Not mine. I don't think so. Like, like when it girls like love to smell their boyfriend's armpits Not mine. I don't think so like like when it does you smell well like when it's before it goes sour Yeah, natural man's must a musk of like you didn't just work out But like you've been walking around a little today. You take your shirt off if I smelled your shirt be like, oh, that's my man's really Yeah, huh? I don't want to speak for everyone You have old bay today Jesus Christ all you can eat lots of my cologne Some more to Del. We have you ever written a mechanical bull? No, I'm not country. Okay. Do you know what a Klingon?

I see a whore thing. No, you don't know what a Klingon is is that like a? Pokemon no yes You're not wrong Star Trek Yes, yeah, okay, but you remember any of your aol screen names or instant messenger names string breaker 12 string breaker Cuz I was like a tennis player, so it's like I'm not a heartbreaker. I'm a string breaker No one got like racket string. Yeah. No one understood the reference. You ever break your racket during a game, Ed?

Yeah. Really? I was well behaved in juniors because like you're with your parents. Then I went off to college. I was breaking rackets all the time. No kid. It's very empowering. Tennis is like the one sport where you can like break the finger using to play the sport. Like, you know, I mean, I guess golfers every now and then break one over, but like tennis.

Or baseball players. Yeah, yeah, tennis, oh my god, to break a record, it's the most credible feeling in the world I have to recommend. I wanna ask you about that too, I'm sorry T-Bone. When you go and play, nobody can hang with you. Do you play with anybody that can actually play with you? It's like a smoke, it's literally like comedy

where you just have to find the people who are real players. Like who's, I found a girl who played for University of Indiana and will hit this girl played for Tulane Some guys Michael Kosta hits with me. Sure. So like you do Leo Galarotti, you know But do you play your husband you smoke would smoke him right? We play a fun game We're like it's first to 11 where he sits in the corner Where he sits in the corner, watching me fuck people up. You're blindfolded. He's so, no, literally. You're showing him live, so show checks.

I cut off both my arms and just a torso. But we'll have him at, he'll be at 10, I'll be at zero. You give him a 10 point lead? So, well it's fun for me, because if I can't make one mistake and then he wins, so it becomes like competitive. But then recently he tore his ACL, it was a whole thing. So he just, he coaches me from the sidelines cuz I have daddy issues. Okay, I like that

Yeah, so he's like invested but like he doesn't really know what he's talking about. Does anybody I respect that Does anybody see you out there on the court and like oh and then they think they can hang with you and then you just Crush them. Well, I think I would assume that don't understand people be like, yeah, I play tennis in high school It's hit when like there's just so many different levels of tennis He especially with tennis I do get annoyed with like when yeah, I played tennis in high school, let's hit, when there's just so many different levels of tennis. It's crazy, especially with tennis. I do get annoyed with when I was dating, it's a lot of guys.

And even D1 athletes who played football, being like, I play in high school, I'll beat you. And I've been like, okay, let's go on the court, because I try to prove a point. But tennis is one of those sports that's not physical. So if a girl is good at it. Skill-wise. Skill-wise.

Yeah, of course. I could probably take you just saying I've only ever people say play never hit so it's like you How do you feel about the popularity of paddle ball Both look paddle and pickle. Yes. I paddle I love Pickle gotta stay out of the kitchen. I learned that this week. That's, yeah, the pickle. What's that? You gotta stay out of the kitchen. No, I'm not playing.

I'll tell you that. If you're back in Ozempik, you can. No, pickleball, a lot of tennis players are like, I don't like pickleball. But I feel like it's great, people are out playing sports. But like, it's very loud. Like, it's like dink, dink, dink.

It drives me crazy. I also haven't played it, because I'm afraid if I play it, I'm gonna fall in love with it and wanna quit comedy and go on the pro pickleball tour. Okay, yeah. Shit, is that an option? Is there a pro for pro?

Dude, it's a whole, people are crazy. Like former tennis players are doing it. I have friends on it. Like it's a whole, people are making money. Celebs are buying teams. Like it's a whole new thing. Let's get a pickleball buying teams like it's a whole new thing are you garbage pickleball I need you to be the seed investor on this I'll talk to my people yeah we're gonna you have to be a ringer that's right up fuck I mean I'm we're not playing you there's not get

going to get you and you guys play ping-pong I'm pretty good at ping-pong like okay I'm solid yeah yeah if you have good hands you could play ping-pong? I'm pretty good at ping-pong like okay. I'm solid yeah Yeah, if you have good hands you could play ping-pong you can hang cuz it's not actually tennis players Tom Cassidy is really good Oh, yes, our boy time. He's Every time I don't know about Tommy's talking shit. Yeah, unfortunately he does I beat him every time I think he's yeah beat him every time and I don't play that about what about beer pong never never played I'm nice. Nah, um, I like drugs. You're against it. He's just never cool. I always thought it was dumb I just wanted to get just drink the beer. Yeah, it's not even that we we had that we've already house

We had a table everybody played it. I hated it. He would much rather do drugs in a room We've figured out with one other guy just like talking about zeppelin or something. Yeah, they're like, or the blues travelers. How dare you? So nice. He's not a social man. He's like, let's get drugs and then just, you know, speaking of blues, what was your first concert? Oh, I don't like go to a lot of concerts. I'd say my first one I got.

I smoked weed for the first time in Wisconsin and I went to a Dave Matthews band concert okay I hated it that's pretty good that's a good first concert I didn't like it um if you go over someone's house will you look in their medicine cabinet no okay I feel like you're lying no I feel like the way you said I was like, why haven't I? No, but I'm not a thing people do. Not saying you're looking to take anything. Just, you know, go ahead and see what you're working with. I judge like the hand soap for sure.

What do you what do you have at the house? What do you have at the house now? Honestly, I don't care the brand. I just want it to smell nice. I'm with that. I like a little mango. I like a little vanilla. Do you guys have a half bath at the house like a guest bathroom? Not without a shower, just a little mango. I like a little vanilla. Do you guys have a half bath at the house, like a guest bathroom? Without a shower, just a...

Powder room. Yeah, toilet and a thing. In the house? Yeah. Yes. And what soap is in there for people that come over? We got the Myers soaps. Myers is a...

The price point has come down because it's big enough now. And it's supposed to be like healthy. It's a... For something. I don't know what it's good for, it's good for any bars of soap in your house No, I think that's gross because it just always has pubes on it. Okay, don't come over my house I know it's so but like, you know guys are taking it like putting it up their asshole rubbing around putting it back And then I'm using on my face like I have something you've been following me

Sure, it's what I do with my Beakman's 1802 Just following it up, so you're a body wash person. Yes, is there a loofer you body wash the hand to It's called a loofer. No loofers. Nerd loofers. Nerd loofers. A loofer. I don't know, that sounds like a good drug.

Kids, not loofers. I do straight, I like a coconut type body wash, but I don't, it's quick. No, but I'm saying is it in your hand? Yes, it's in my hand. No loofer scrubber? No. Really?

But I let the shampoo then drip, so then that really gets it. Do you wash your hair every time you take a shower? Yeah, because I'm Italian, so it'll get so greasy. No kidding. Are you conditioning every time you take a shower? Yes. Yes, sir. Really? Yes, sir. Wow. That's pretty good. And I will do, you know, a face cleanse.

In the shower? In the shower. You do the eye things, the whatever, the masks? I am trying to get more male comics and I do them Yeah, we don't for touring. I do them all good. We've been in like Airbnb and I've walked out people like what the fuck Face on it's good. I don't know if it actually doesn't get horrible bad Especially if I'm traveling and I'm out on the road drinking and smoking like a feel pretty when they're on No, the feel like I'm ready for my clothes whenup. Hit me! When you wear it on a plane... I'm not a jerk. What? Who's doing that?

The girls do it. I do. You gotta get your hydration. They do their full skincare on the plane. They do the full mask. You're doing that? I don't do full mask, just the under eye. That's what Kipi does. He'll have the little things under his eyes and curlers in his hair. Yeah. Like my one hair. Wait, like your night wing? You're sitting there with the things on like that? So sometimes, like, if I see that I have some in my bag

Cuz I'll keep it in my bag. She got clip bars on her eyes It has fucking neutral green grains on it. I put it under my eyes, and I just keep it on for 10 minutes I take it off if someone looks at you want one you could have one. Yeah, I mean I think that's fair It's like I don't wear a full mask two birds one stone type thing why we're on the subject any low rent cosmetic things? Like do you put egg whites in your hair or like peanut butter on your face? Home remedies.

Yeah, home remedies. I put toothpaste on my pimples. That's an old, that's an old, that's, I think that works right by like something in it dries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Supposed to dry it out. Yeah, cause you could pay a lot of money for these serums and I'm like, I'm pretty sure they're just drying it out. Sure. Sure. So that's, I think a lot of skincare is like conspiracy theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Home remedies? Good question. I love, I love his bringing the family into this. He's a pro.

Well my Nana is, if you don't know, she's 83 and she's beautiful. And she's never had any plastic surgery. She just stays out of the sun. She sleeps on her back. And. That's kinda weird. Like a coffin.

It's supposed, sleeping on your back is supposed to be huge. I'm gonna live life so I don't sleep on my back like a psycho. Sleep on your side? Stomach, head turn, then eventually side. Wait, stomach, head turn, that's crazy. Like a dead body. Yeah, like a dead soldier? Like I got shot.

Yeah. That's, supposed to be the left side they say is the best. Oh really? Something with your gallbladder or your liver or something the way it hangs. I saw my gas frog guy just told me yesterday. Probably yours specifically. I think that sounded like a personal problem. I feel my gasp for a guy just told me yesterday. Probably yours specifically. I think that sounds like a personal problem.

I feel like if you tried to sleep on your stomach, you'd be like a teeter totter. What if I tried to sleep straight down? Like you're skydiving? Yeah, you got to do this. Like I'm kissing the Balarney Stone. Uh-uh. Hold the arch, baby.

Face down, feet up. If you're playing Monopoly as a kid, what would your go-to game piece be? Who do you want to be? I didn if you're playing Monopoly as a kid what would your what would your go-to? Game piece be who do you want to be I didn't play that much Monopoly. I was more Scrabble I played war cards war. Yeah, you just lost your intellectual more of a go fish Girl I fuck would be a spit you replace it. I was just thinking about I never understood it the older kids were playing I never I was just thinking about spit. I fucked with those games. I never understood it.

The older kids were playing, I was like six. And then every 10 seconds you'd hear like thump, thump, thump. And you'd be like whoa. There was a deck of cards floating around in your house growing up? There was a deck of cards, but not, there wasn't any poker or anything, nothing serious.

I wasn't running any poker. There wasn't any refrigerators being sold. Couple of craps tables in the living room. Do you still own any DVDs? No. Okay. That's the right answer. When was the last time you watched one of your tennis matches?

Oh my God. Well, there's some footage online. Okay. My teammates will share with me. But I actually do have old DVDs from my tennis days somewhere. I think my parents have it. But it's like watching yourself do comedy. You're like, OK, not a fan. When was the first time you had Nutella?

Oh, Nutella is the kind of thing. It's like heroin to me. We're like, it's so good that I just I don't touch it because I don't trust myself. What as a kid, when did you want to come across your rate? Probably not as a kid. But maybe like in my early teens. OK, that's pretty classy. Called it Nutella, though. I did. I like in my early teens. Okay. That's pretty classy. Called it Nutella though.

Yeah, Nutella. I did, I had a key food, you know, in Park Slope, so. Lady. Will you stuff a napkin in a glass when you're leaving, if the restaurant, when you're done with it? Never even heard of that. No? Like to push stuff to stuff the napkin in an empty glass?

Never heard of it. Okay, that's good. I do have to say, I will put a napkin in my armpits if I'm sweating during a podcast. I did that before you got here. Wait, you mean and leave it there? Yeah. Oh, I didn't do that.

And sometimes it drops out and then you have to pick it up. Check mark on that one. It's real hobo. Do you have any bad toes? I did have one toe that like, well, I lost my toenail a lot of times. And there's one toe that, you know, the toenail is a little thicker. Like something's going on. Yeah.

But otherwise, I've been told I have a nice arch. OK. I don't want to get anyone turned on. No bad toenails, though. No black toenails. No, I've had, but I've since recovered. OK. Athlete, though.

That makes sense. Is that why you were losing the toenail? Yeah, okay from sports High level athlete over here If you're on the road and you go to a hotel you check in a hotel will you swim at the pool? No, well, I would in my head. I bring my bikini cuz I pretend I'm fun and then I go straight to bed I sleep the whole time. I did recently, not to brag, I stayed at a, what is it, a Super 8. Whoa, why?

What, did you lose a bet? I did. How many kilos were you selling? That's where people go to drain dead bodies. I had like a college gig in Athens, Ohio, and the girl that was booking the hotel for me booked Athens, Georgia. So the second I got off the flight, I was like, oh fuck, the address for the hotel's in Georgia.

And I go, no worries, I'll call and get a hotel in Ohio. Turns out it's mom's weekend, they're all there to see the show, every hotel is sold out except the Super 8. So I get on stage, I'm like, you fucking. I felt like Young Jeezy raps about bagging up coke in a Super 8. So I get on stage, I'm like you fucking. I feel like Young Jeezy raps about bagging up coke in a Super 8. I walked in, there's a full like mother and family

working behind the desk. The kids looking at me like they're about to like beat my ass. I'm like, do you want to fight? Like what's going on? I go in, there's, it has a smell. I can't put my finger on what the smell is. It's not lavender.

There's not lavender It was like stains on stuff and the whole thing and then the bathrooms Did your door open to the outside or was like no I have one the first time I ever went to LA I was like I'm gonna get an affordable hotel like not now It was one of those like people get murdered sure I The next day I had it was like I was young and I was like oh, LA is affordable look It's it's $70 for this. Oh, that's a wake up without a fucking gold letter Huh, okay, do you have a favorite half of an English muffin? You know if you break an English muffin in half There's the top and there's the bottom do you prefer one or the other?

Look, I like them both like children like they're great in different ways very politically answer I respect I but I'm gonna I'm not eating half of anything if you put it in front of me. It's getting finished, of course If you had to not show you on I believe this was a t-bone question a few episodes ago If you could never eat one of these again What would it be egg salad potato salad or macaroni salad? What would you lose? macaroni salad Hmm. I'm in give me real pasta. Give me penny ala vodka. Give me fucking have you got a barbie salad pasta Have you ever eaten pickled pigs feet?

Excuse me, sir. How the hell did that come from? Something about the eggs Have you ever eaten pickled pig's feet? Excuse me, sir? Where the hell did that come from? Something about the eggs. You love egg salad, you love hard boiled eggs in the green room. It seems like you would eat it. Why pickled pig's feet? It's always on bars with like pickled eggs and pig's feet. I've never seen that on a bar.

Where are you from? North Carolina? Yeah, there you go. Yeah, that was crazy. He's our hillbilly. He's slack-jaw hillbilly. I like the diversity in the room. Did you call it ground beef or hamburger meat? Ground beef.

Okay. Ever bleach your hair yourself? I did have a little bit of breakdown freshman year of college. Cool. And I went to a school salon and for $30. A salon school. Yeah, a salon school. So it was like affordable, it was like $30. A salon school. Yeah, a salon school. So it was like affordable, it was like $30.

Sure. I was like bleaching my hair and I had dark brown hair and they were like no. And I was like please. And it was like orange and I had to go in again and it was like, it was really fucked up. You were their final. Who's doing the cut now?

Let's spend a little cash here. Right now I got a IGK salon in Soho, I got a girl, she does Kate McKinnon's hair, so I think that I'm funnier when she does my hair. Okay, what's a cut run you down there? A cut, I feel like is like 200, 250. What's it cost you out the door? And do you go, because I know sometimes girls don't go and get a haircut, they just get their hair done or blown out.

You can get it blown out, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is what exactly? It's kind of like you go in, they wash your hair, and then they blow dry it really nicely. They jazz it up. They jazz it up. With no cut. You know, you could get your hair blown out.

Could I? Yeah, you got some texture in it. I want to get some texture in it. You got to get a little flow. I did that this morning. So. You could also do cornrows. I could.

No, we can't, stop. No, we can't. Stop. Are you James Franco? Wait, so when you go to get... I actually don't go that often. I'm not that good at self-care. What would the steps be? You're not just getting a cut, you're getting a cut into this and into that?

So now I dyed my hair a little red. So if I go again, I'll get a little cut and then she'll like Maybe what's that out the door? What's that running you? You know, it could probably be like 300 400 And then what are you tipping? I'm tipping I love to tip these girlies Okay, cuz they become like your therapist sure girl you go to so I'll tip 150 Sure girl you go to so I'll tip 150 I don't spend a lot of money, but when I do it's for my people. I'm with it people I Mean, I don't know if I'm trash. I think you might have turned it around to the fucking garbage I mean, there's a lot of dirt under those fingernails this this this go around

I put these fingernails on speaking of in the uber These are press on Yeah, I mean, but they were $35 press ons which is considered fancy But you would normally will you go and get your nails done or you do it yourself I've been trying to get my nails done But the problem is it's once it starts growing out you have to go in for like two hours And I don't have time the next next thing I'm walking around with like, looks like I have children's teeth on my nails.

So they're real, they're usually real nails? They're usually real, these are not. Okay. Because I do this, every now and then you'll break one, and then you panic, and I call it killing the whole family, where then you cut all of them. Yeah. Do they give you extras with those,

when you buy press on nails? They do. The ultimate trash. Like extra screws. Yes, so if, because every now and then happens, you try to get something, you lose a nail, and it's like that one girl you see walk around with a missing nail, like that,

you know she's going through it. I never noticed that in my life. Never once in my life. That's so funny, cause girls will lose their mind where like men can't tell if you're like missing an arm. No, yeah. I literally once worked with a woman who I was so attracted to, she was a boss of mine,

I was so attracted to her. Ooh, hot. Missing a finger? Missing a woman who I have it was so attractive as a boss of mine I was so attracted to her Missing a finger missing a whole hand and it was she had a wax hand you know it took me She bit it was like chubs from happy Gilmore hand and she'd be pointing to papers, and I was so infatuated I genuinely had no clue That's I swear to God it took me, I don't know, eight months, a year, easily. Holy shit, you got no legs! Whoa! Yeah, that's what it was.

Your hands meltin', tits look great though. Man, she was a bitch, I had a thing for her. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Mama! She did not like the old Kipperino, I'll tell ya that. That just turned you on even more, didn't it, you little sicko? The forbidden fruit.

Alright, we gotta wrap it up though. I mean, I think... I tried really hard this episode. Listen, dude, the gift cards, the fucking... Sure. The eating in the Ubers, the fucking... The conspiracy theory about the cosmetic industry. That was one.

The Super 8. Yeah, I mean like you know it sees I would say she was she's 5050 She would now walks in both worlds. Yeah in our world. She's class eggs in a fucking You're a dirt bag classes in the eye of the beholder Our garbage is in the eye. There you go. I should say yeah I wonder what they say out there in the Hamptons when you come rolling through. Shit, fucking hide your purse. Grabbing a Gatorade off the trash can.

There's still a little left in here. Anybody know where the piss is? You guys want a hit off of this? Gang, the special is We Ride at Dawn. It is out on Netflix right now. It is in the top 10. You can hear every week on our amazing podcast, Giggle Squad. Check out her special on Netflix. She is one of the funniest huge just enormous

everybody knows everybody loves her you're killing it we're so happy for you and we love you and keep crushing you too thank you buddy I'll see you at the airport during brunch anything else you want to hit or anything no you anything? No. Consummate professional. She's got to go home and take a shower. I'm retiring. I'm good. This is this is where it ends. Kebi, what do you got for me? Uh guys, we're all over the road. August 17th, Red Bank, New Jersey, Count Basie Theater. Get your tickets there and then the Route 66 store. Chicago to LA. We're hitting ten cities along the way. Filming the whole thing. It's going to be

very special and fun. We got a tour bus to hold nine yards. Get those tickets. We'll see you out there on a road. Hannah, we love you. Love you more. Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.