Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Hannah Berner: Tennis Star

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with a fun one! Comedian Hannah Berner stop by to share her wild childhood growing up as tennis star. Its a hot one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Stamps.com Promo code: GARBAGE https://www.Manscaped.com Promo code: GARBAGE  Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey, Texas, New York, Philadelphia, take the Jolly Ranchers out of your ears and listen up because the Keep It Moving tour is coming your way. Yeah, guys, it's a stand-up show when we play AYG with the audience. It's a good time. September 21st will be in San Antonio.

September 22nd, we're gonna be in Houston. And September 23rd to the 25th, we're gonna be in Austin for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Ever heard of it? Then, Dallas-Fort Worth on September 26th, and we're bringing it back up north, baby. September 30th, we're gonna be in Long Island.

And then, what are we doing? We're going home for cheese steaks. Whiz wit, baby. October- Cheese steaks and vengeance. October 27th, we're gonna be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. Get those tickets.

They're gonna move fast. I'm telling you. Yeah. Do it. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out

if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. We're ready to rock and roll. T-Bone says ready. We're ready. Here we go. Hey, everybody out there.

And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's a little show. Sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.

Down here at Antutti's basement, I ran into her last night. Yeah, which he's have to say. Jumped in front of my Uber. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international business major. My best pal in the whole world.

And I love him. I'm gonna tell you that right now. Give it up for Kevin James, Ryan. You're getting happy to see. I was with you last night. You had a couple of Bud Lights started out with me. A couple of Bud Lights, a couple of fucking,

a couple of Tainys. He put his hat on my head. He goes, I'm with you till the end, buddy. You son of a bitch, that's private. Guys, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are.

True to Roof. True to the fucking Roof. And then there's this website I've heard about. I forget. It's not Google. It's not Patreon.com. Check out. Mankind's greatest achievement.

Patreon.com. Shout out to Mr. Yam and the Yam family for developing the greatest website. Guys, go to it. You can sign up on Patreon.com and get a whole bunch of bonus content. Check it out. Absolutely.

And have a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire, T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen. What up, boys? Left the batteries on the table. Fucking up. It's just about 10 minutes. Should they be in the camera?

Oh, no, sorry. I was too busy getting my license so I could be your designated driver, your fucking booze bag. Yeah. These boys got shit hoes. Yeah, we had a, yeah. Well, gang, that is neither here nor there.

I don't know why you're airing out our dirty laundry in the intro. You too. Chatty Kathy's over here. Zip it, will you? Let's get to business. Gang, we could not be more excited to have her incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest

here with us today. She is a very funny, very successful standup comedian, actor, and podcaster. She was the host of 42 episodes of Bravo's hit Chat Room and also appeared on 44 episodes of Summer House. She is the host of the wildly successful podcast, Burning in Hell. But the big question, everybody's mind today,

is she garbage? Think she bordered your reality TV star? Yeah, I was like, why are we even going through this every other TV? What do you want me to say? Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Burner. Thank you for having me, guys. I love how your producer also produces your life.

Oh yeah. When you get too drunk, you're like, this needs to be produced. Get me home. Yeah. Figure this out. Figure it out. Pull me on YouTube.

Which wire goes where? Get me home. The kids on the wagon, we go out to dinner, we have a couple of pops and it's a little antsy. So the question is how garbage am I? Is I think the better? What's the origin story? Where do you hail from?

What's the deal? Because I can see your borderline. Where do you guys think I hail from in the United States? Which state? I would say Jersey. That was offensive. Do you want, okay. I was born in Brooklyn, New York.

Really? You're a New York kid. I'm a New York kid. I was born in Park Slope. No shit. My grandpa was there in the 70s. He was a basketball coach, like one of those guys in the movies

who was like, you're gonna become a star. And then the neighborhood got really bad and all the white people went to go to Long Island. My grandpa's like, I'm staying with the kids. And then my dad got beat up every day. And that worked out for everybody. And then Park Slope got super nice. Now it's like, yeah, it's Ritchie, yeah.

My grandpa moved to Long Island later in life and I was raised in that brownstone. I say like, hey Arnold, that kind of thing. Right, yeah, yeah. And yeah, so that's my origin. I would have thought, since you asked, I would have thought Long Island, maybe towards the Hamptons.

I was thinking father or doctor, mama, lawyer, that kind of vibe. No, my dad is in sales. He works from home. He like sleeps a lot. Pets are a cat. Real go-gathered. I mean, he, yeah, he-

I don't know why he had to throw him under the box. Yeah. What the fuck? Everybody's got the knives out of him. I'm like, my dad could be doing more. I'm the achiever. So your grandfather gave you guys the brownstone that your dad grew up in.

He basically let us live in it. You grew up in a house your father grew up in. Yes, so I grew up in his bedroom, but my dad's funny. My dad is a very funny guy and he's kind of outsmarted the system where he's like, I don't fuck with subways. I don't fuck with people.

I'm working from home. So he originated the whole like quarantine vibes. Yeah, he was doing it all the way. Yeah, he was flattening the curve years ago. When did your grandfather move out to Long Island? When? Yeah. Like, was that-

I love how detailed we want this on. We want it. I'm gonna say late 80s. He moved to Shelter Island, which is a tiny island all the way out. I know exactly where it is. You do? Yeah, it's by across the Greenport.

You have to get on a ferry. Like, they really make it hard for people to get out there. Damn. Yeah, he's hiding from something. That's old school shit. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, when you grew up,

you, that was your house. That was our house. Your grandfather didn't live with you. No, but he owned it. We were like taking care of the tenants, like when something would break. It definitely was haunted. It was a very old house, a lot of creeks,

but it was our thing. We loved it. And my mom was a principal of a middle school in Brooklyn. All right, there we go. Yeah, yeah. Brothers and sisters. I have one younger brother. How far away?

He's two years. He's more straight and narrow, corporate America, very smart. Nice. Engaged, has his shit together. And now the neighborhood's nice and that brownstone's probably worth a couple of bucks. So we got to the point where the inside is falling apart.

So you either have to redo the whole. Classic New York shit, dude. Classic New York shit. Classic New Yorker. On the inside, we're all falling apart. Of course. It probably only talks about how much it's worth. Ah, get a million.

I get 70 million for that. You see the park out the front door. The doorman, doorman building. It's a rat, but still. My parents do that. My parents do that now too, because they're at retirement age and the way the housing market is

and houses are going left and right in their neighborhood. They're walking around like they're casino pit bosses. Down the street, 200 grand. Down the street, 300 grand. But my dad's so funny. This is an incredible purchase by a gym teacher. It was like 20 grand when he bought it. My dad's like, why don't you buy a fucking building

in Tribeca? Yeah, that's like, he scraped his whole life savings together as a fucking gym teacher. A guy saving the neighborhood, one youth at a time. And then his kid breaks his balls and you get in by an office building. We could have had Chelsea Pizz, come on. Jesus Christ.

That's such a New York thing too. So what happened is we were like, either we put all this money in that we don't have to refurnish the whole fucking place, which was haunted. Or, I mean, friend of ghost. I like how that's garbage that you said that refurnished. You mean redo. Who the fuck knows?

I don't watch HGTV. Yeah, it's got good bones in it. It does, it's got good bones. Throw a couple of couches in there. We'll get 12 million for it. The outside had these carvings and structures and there was like wooden carvings inside, Italian, whatever, I don't know, I didn't listen, but it was nice.

So we sold it for like, yeah, he sold it for, I'd say a couple million, but then a dude bought it, gutted it, and then resold it for like 10 million. But like, it's sad that like my house is gone. The rich people gutted it. We lived in it for so long and I'll walk by it and I'll just be like, you're not the same. You're not the same.

You're not the same guy. So yeah. What does he live now? What does your mom and dad live? So my mom and dad just retired shelter island, but they lived in Long Island city for a bit. They moved out there too, they followed your grandfather? Yeah, cause they got a house there too.

Oh, this guy's fucking leeching off his own hand. What the fuck, man? Hey, Pop, we're back. Jesus. Let me get a tree. He's trying to get away from you. Probably get 14, 15 million for this place. I love that this has become a real estate podcast.

That's great. This is the nitty gritty. This is what we like. What was your dad's sales? What was he selling? Oh, he was, okay, he worked with big data. I don't really listen. This goes into my big theory that most girls

don't know what their dad does for a living. Take a poll. No, but I'm gonna argue this motherfucker doesn't know what he does for a living. He's very, it's like when lawyers have to do a case, he helps them look through data and sift through it. It's just some fancy. College, you go to college?

He did. He went to a couple, he went to, okay, my dad's trash. But my dad has trash. He's living with his dad. This is not the way I saw this going. My dad went to four different colleges. My mom went to Cornell. Oh my God.

He, we joke all the time. My dad lucked out, but my dad is good looking and funny and has charisma. I get it. I get it too. So, I mean, you guys get it. How do you guys get it? How the fuck do you guys get laid?

So anyway, you get it. Oh, we got quiet there. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm currently married to a woman way out of my league who paid for this room. So we're going to keep it moving. We go, no comment. Next question. I got a Cornell type thing going on too.

So yeah, he did good. He did good. That's funny. It's shocking how good a sense of humor goes. Truly is. Yeah. I'm not. And I completely understand why.

All right. So did you go to public school, private school? So I, New York's, New York's weird. Depends on where you, where you land. We're going to go into it. So I went to public school and I became a tennis player. So that's right. I was playing tennis.

You were a good tennis player. I was a good tennis player. Really? When I was like, what do I not look like? No, I didn't say that. It's great. Make it easy. A judgy, judgy.

No, I, She got the sweater on. That's so funny. When the heat's turned around on you, huh, Burner? Someone say you're burning in hell right now. So I started playing. I was talking about my sex life. Or lack thereof.

Or lack there's an outrage. You suck at tennis, bitch. I'll play you right now like who are you got? So anyway, my dad was like very sports dad. Like when I was young, he was like tossing balls at me to work on my hand. I, I was walking at like nine months old. Like he was like, we have the next arena.

And then at like eight years old, my brother quit. He said to scam, to scam. He's like, we're going to make quick money with this kid. She can be pro by she's 12. So when I was eight years old, I finally was like, I really want to do this. And a coach told my parents, she's too old to ever go pro.

She's at eight. And I, wait, what do you mean you're too old? Like as in like, what she is right now. You're already, you're already behind. She's not on track. So my parents tell me that. Yeah, dude, tennis is crazy. Apparently I sobbed all day.

Like they were like, we didn't even know this kid cared about tennis, but I like hated that someone told me I couldn't do something. So my crazy ass was like, now I need to prove this person wrong. And I don't care if it takes 20 years. At eight, you're thinking like this?

Jesus Christ. But I'm never to cross you. Have a cup of decaf, will you? Relax, watch some fucking cartoons. Eat a bowl of cereal, go out in the park. Go see what Doug's up to. I was listening to like Space Jam soundtrack, Rocky soundtrack.

You guys like Rocky and we were, we were like jogging and stretching. It was my dad and I are dream together. And by 14, I was ranked top 15 in the nation. Geez. And I had moved from a public school to Polly Prep. Nice. Which is a private school.

Yeah, it is, know it well. It gave me a little scholarship. But that place was not like public school. Like I kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. Like all the kids had money and they knew each other from like pre-K when they got into the, and I came in in eighth grade.

It's tough, yeah. It was a random year. And I was playing number two on the girls varsity as an eighth grader. And everyone was like, who the fuck is this girl? And I was like trying to make friends, being a little weirdo. I never really fit in.

And then my coach told me, if you want to go pro, you need to move to Florida. Yeah. Why Florida? Because they're hitting so many more balls because it's outdoors and it's like the best players. They go train in Florida. Okay.

It's like where they have all these... Schools and stuff that are, yeah. Where it's like, hey, you wake up at five and just start hitting balls and then go to class. What's school told you this? The private, your private school coach? The coach at Poly Prep was also my private coach. That's crazy.

See, that's how the kids do it. And this is bonkos to me. But it's bonkos because now people are starting to learn with like Naomi Osaka. Sports is so fucking abusive. Yeah. But like they teach you basically like, don't have any emotions,

keep pushing yourself past your limit. Listen to all these coaches, let them control you in any way. Like I was watching this cult. You're getting fired up just hearing it. And I was like, damn, was I? I was like, I would fall for a cult. Yeah.

Like where they'd be like, you're going to be the greatest. You just have to trust me. You had vengeance. So it's like, no one tells me what to do. I'm part Sicilian. So like I was trying to get revenge on an early age. You had a hit list written in crayon.

Yeah. So I spelled wrong and shit, the R's backwards. So I get to Florida and basically my only job is I need to go pro. Wait you did it? They didn't know any better. I'm the oldest kid and they're like, they're dancing dollars.

My dad is like, we got to get her. Hold on, you're in eighth grade. So at this point, I was at Poly for two years. So for 10th grade, I was 15. I got sent down to Florida. You went down to Florida. And what are you ranked at at that point? I was ranked like top one, top 50 in the nation

at that time. Are you just playing school matches or are you also playing individual like tournament? No school. I'm playing international tournaments in Florida. So I'm working on getting an international girls 18 and under ranking. So then if you get top there, you go pro.

So but you're just instilled with all this fear. Like your parents are paying so much money for you to be here. They took a second mortgage out of their house for you to be successful. Don't be lazy. So I was just in crazy mode. Like I wake up before practice, go for a jog,

practice three hours, go eat, practice not three hours, go to the gym, kind of do online school but not really. Like I didn't do school for two years, I'm being honest. Wait, what school were you technically enrolled in? I couldn't tell you. So this is how they do it. It's like an online school.

When you're training, everybody gets set up for that. Were you down there by yourself? Yeah. So I was part of a house. It was like a house that the coach owned with like 12 players. And we all, it was kind of like a little family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, that's crazy. This was in Destin, Florida. It's like between Miami Fort Lauderdale area. It's fucking hot. We're doing planks on hard courts and just like third degree burning. It's like, how bad do you want it? Damn.

And most girls are just discovering. This wasn't the coach from Polly? No, this is a different coach. Different coach, sorry. So I've had a lot of coaches over the years and they also, when I got there, they made a lot of changes to my game. They were kind of like, we don't like this

about your game, that about your game. And I didn't do well with the changes. They wanted to change my grip. I was having trouble. And then I got ranked top like 250 in the world for 18 and unders, which is good. It's good. That's crazy.

It's not great. It's one of those, Tennis is one of those things where if you're like, the gap between 250 and one is like bananas, right? Well, it's funny. It's all mental. Like if you saw professionals who were 250 versus one, you wouldn't be able to say who's better.

Sure, yeah. But mentally, there is that. But also with Tennis, if you're not top 100, you're not making money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're entrepreneurial. You have to pay for the travel. You have to pay for your coach.

It's not like the fucking Knicks who are sitting on the bench making millions of dollars losing, like you only get paid when you win. Not trying to shade the Knicks, but like we all understand. Did you get any endorsements at all? So I was endorsed by Dunlop and Reebok. What? You got all free shit? I got some free shit.

What? You could like break a racket every now and then. It was fun. It's pretty awesome. I always wondered about like pro sports. Like, do they get new cleats every game? I'd want new shit every game. It's like Christmas the first day of the season

where they give you shit. But I eventually had a mental breakdown, as one does. Yeah, there's a really good doc. You know, there's a fantastic documentary on Netflix that just came out like yesterday. With Marty Fish? Yeah, I'm watching it. Yeah, it's fantastic.

I'm on it. Because tennis, it's a sport, I think it's very similar to stand up in a way. Ride with me on this, where you're alone out there performing. You have the variable of the other player, just like the variable of the people in the crowd. And then tennis is the only sport

where you freak out and start talking to yourself like a crazy person, which is basically what stand up is. Sure. And you're traveling alone every weekend to different places. You're only as good as your last performance, your last match. Of course.

And something about stand up, I was like, oh, this is eerily calm for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Compared to the pressure of tennis. Yeah, of course, of course. But I basically have a mental breakdown in Curacao. Curacao, where's that? Who the fuck knows?

I just got out. It's in like the West Indies. Yes. Holy shit. It's like a new hot spot everybody's going to know. So you're fucking doing it. You're cooking. You're going around.

I'm doing well, but I'm like putting. It's not one of those fancy sports schools, where they go, who care? Like, you don't have to go to class. Just become the best athlete you can. Exactly. But you have so much pressure to win on you. It's crazy.

And I was like trying to change my forehand grip. And then whenever the match would start, I'd get really tight and I would slice it. This is like very tennis niche. And I was getting disappointed in myself. I was having a lot of performance anxiety. Yes. And for anyone who's experienced performance anxiety,

it's fucked up. Because in practice, you're great. And everyone's like, OK, just do it in a match. And then the match comes. I'm fucking trying. And you get paralyzed. And then people are like, you're a crazy bitch. And as I've learned later in life,

I've learned that there's been a lot of reasons why I have performance anxiety. It wasn't just I woke up one day. I mean, parts of it are just genetic. That's not too dark. But parts of it is also like, I've had coaches throw water at me. I've had coaches make me run until I cramped up.

I've had a lot. But at the time, this is what the culture is. You're like, this is what you have to do. Oh, yeah. You're fully invested. And they're like, see Samantha across the court? She served all night. What did you do?

So you're just in this psychotic break. That's a lie to end up fighting a coach, for sure. I would get into fights on the court because he'd yell something at me. And I'd be like, fuck you. And we'd get into fights during the match. So when did you officially quit? So at 16, I'm ranked high internationally.

But I started just crying at night. And sometimes your body will tell you what your mind isn't telling you. I was losing weight because I was working hard so much. And finally, I just had a breakdown. I was like, I want to go home. And this was like a movie moment where I get back. And it's me and my dad again, the beginning of the journey.

You're back at the Park Slope House. Back in Park Slope. You're how old? 17, 18? I was 16. So what's your, do you want to go back to high school? I'm about to tell you. He's on the edge of a seat.

He's like, what happened? I really am, man. Got me hooked with this. So my dad takes me to the tennis court. He's so dramatic. But he's like, I'm going to hit this ball to you. And you're going to hit it back. And you're going to tell me if you want to quit

or if you want to keep playing. And regardless of what you do, I'm still going to love you. So you know what crazy bitch was like, we got to keep going. Because I put too much into it. So this is when it gets kind of fun. My mom is a principal. She knows other principals. And I'm in the middle of a year.

I started hostessing at a Korean restaurant in Brooklyn to finish my online schooling to then start a new school. This school, though, is really good as a great tennis team. They only had a boys team. But because of Title IX, if a girl's good enough, you have to let her on the team. Like if I win my way up the team. So it's called the Beacon School on the Upper West Side.

I show up. I win a bunch of matches. And we end up winning. Beacon dude's knocking them off? Yeah. I love that. We end up beating. What Disney are you fucking watching in?

Get me 300 words on this. Let's go. What do we do with it? So I come from like, what do we do with it? Holy shit. I come from being like the bottom of the bottom to then like finding this new community of these like cool guys.

They would joke. We go on the court. They'd be like, take it easy on her. Because they knew, to me, I was like, if I lose this motherfucker who smokes weed all day and played high school a couple of times, I'll end it. Yeah. Was there any decent male players on their team?

Like near your level? There was always like one or two top guys on each team. And were the guys on your team were cool to you? You didn't have to like, you know? They were beyond cool because I also was training with them. Like the New York City community is pretty small, where like I would train with them. They knew what I was.

And see, I like that angle even better because normally in a movie, they would be like bully you until you earn their respect. But the fact that they were cool off the bat. Because we trained together. So they knew I was crazy. They respected me. And we had a good bond.

And we weren't the horse man or probably prep kids. Like we were the public school. Like these kids who came from Queens who just are like naturally talented. And I love that like underdog mentality. Fantastic. So but then. Can't believe him to foe on the phone.

He's going to be the coach. I'm already casting. I'm sorry. But then you know there's going to be drama when someone's doing well. Manscaped, manscaped, manscaped. I'll say it one more time. Shout out to the good people at Manscaped

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You want to get the Manscaped 4.0 and clean it up for the fall. Yeah. I used it this morning. I'm not even lying. I used it this morning. Got two nice, fresh quail eggs down there. If you want to take a gander, hit me up. The peaches are in season.

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That's stamps.com, promo code, garbage, stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Now back. Ta-da show. So I think there were some girls who played, but they were short hair and more butchy-like. And I had long hair. And I was girly.

So it caused more of a stir in the media. So we win. In the media. What are you talking, really? It's like New York Times wrote an article that was like, she plays with the boys and rivals don't like it. Because other schools started to get fucking pissed. Because we won the whole New York City Athletic League

championship, whatever the fuck it's called. And they were like, it's not fair that you have a ringer on your team that's a girl. Like we want our girls who are ringers on our team. And I'm like, wait, what are we fighting for right now? Why was there any other people that were as accomplished as you on other schools that were playing? So there were some like one or two or three girls

that were really good on other teams. But they basically were like, this isn't fair. They didn't like that I was a ringer on their team. Because they were saying, girls should not be able to play with the guys because it's a lose-lose. Because if they beat me, it's like they were supposed to. And if they lose to me, they lost their girl. But in my head, I'm like, it's a lose-lose me playing

a freshman who doesn't play tennis seriously. Like if I lose to him, that's horrible to me. So it was a weird. I mean, gender aside, wouldn't you have to be recognized just based on your international accomplishments? Well, that's a thing with tennis. It's not physical.

So like at some point, they could serve harder than me. But tennis, the joke, it's not a joke. It's like a quote that the court is six inches from ear to ear. So I go in these courts and I would just like play with their head. One guy broke three rackets at the end of our match. But I was used to this. When I was younger, you guys were like a little scared.

I loved him. At 11 years old, I went to a tennis camp. And I had a crush on this one guy. He was like the other good player. And the whole time, I was like too nervous to talk to him. I'll be cast as that guy. Yeah. I was like, he was really good.

Send me the side, man. I know how I'll get his love all humiliated in public. So we end up at the end of the week where I was like too nervous to talk to him. We had a tournament. And it is a movie. I fucking meet up with him. In the movie, I'm putting him on a rival team in the city.

Yes. So that's somebody you meet at a camp. Or maybe I see him again years later at this tournament. I don't know if we're jumping ahead. I mean, I appreciate your notes. That might be in the sequel. I mean, I need to have some creative control of my project. Sign the story over to us.

It's an AnToty project right now. We got $3,000 raised already. Here we are on this. Instead of a host's job, you get a waitress' job. And we call it service. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. That's really great.

That's good. That's really great. Service. So I play this kid. I was like 13, 14. I play him at the end. And I win. And I have such a crush on him.

And at the end of the match, he breaks two of his rackets and won't even make eye contact with me. And that was like my relationship. But my dad was always like, never let a boy distract you. So I'd be like fighting these weird feelings. But then fast forward, my dad said he heard him at a tournament. And he saw me.

And he goes, that's the only girl that ever beat me. So he remembers me. Yeah. There you go. It's better to remember what I said. Man, you got real psycho there for that. He remembers me. I'll never forget the one.

I beat him. My neighbor, she was a girl growing up. And she would wrestle. And we would go to tour. Because I have friends with her. She would fuck these kids up. And then they would go cry under the scores table. And I'm like, she would like fuck dudes up.

I wrestled a girl in eighth grade. Did you win? Yeah, I won. This was two weeks ago. Get the last donut my ass. I'll tell you that. Wrestling's next level, though. Like, that's some intimate shit.

With me, like, I was across the net. But the final thing was, at the end, there was a singles tournament for New York City. And they go, Hannah can't play on the boy. She has to play with the girls. And I had all this pressure to show, like, I deserved to play with the boys. And I had to play this girl.

She ended up playing for Arizona or something. And I lost the first, like, five games. And I was down 5-2. And I'm like, I just felt so much fucking pressure. Like, there was all this press, like, daily news, and all this stuff. I ended up winning. There was press.

And it's crazy. I feel like people talk about this in entertainment, too. Sometimes when you're getting all this attention, it's actually the scariest. And I was, like, forgetting how to hit my backhand. And I was just so scared. But I won the match. And then I got a full ride to the University of Wisconsin.

Pretty good, full ride. And you went there and played tennis in college? Gobi Edgers, yes. But it is trash, because I didn't have to pay shit. And my dad was very happy with that. You go into West Texas. What do you mean? He finally got a couple of them dollars back,

those Florida drinks. I literally joke all the time. I'm like, can I have a 20? And he's like, you owe me $450,000. I'm like, that's not how parenting works, dad. Anyway. Let's go to the book though, man. That is a fucking Banco's banana story.

But I did end up playing some professional tournaments when I was in Florida. So I kind of, like, checked that off the box. And then at 22, I decided to go back to New York City and retire. Hire, 22, retired. Look at that. Pretty fucking cool.

Pretty. But I retired to become an intern at a fashion magazine. Which one? No, it was like, we got the sequel. It was like a fashion boutique called Bird in Brooklyn. And they were really mean. And I went from being like captain of my team to being like, if you don't get me coffee right now,

I will throw it in your face. And I was just like, this is weird. But yeah. That's a movie too, I swear. I mean, we haven't even hit the reality TV bullshit yet. Yeah, it's not. And then you were sitting on a gold bar in here. Get an NDA from her.

The sequel. You're working in the fashion business. And now it's off the racket. That's pretty good. It gets taken over by terrorists. And you have some kind of magic tennis racket with grenade balls. Now you're fucking that.

I mean, what do we do? That's some Wonder Woman shit. Guys, guys, guys. No bad ideas at a brainstorming. Try to sell some action. There's a writer's room here, guys. Come on, let's get it cracking. All right, let's get in for some RU garbage questions.

That's an insane backstory. Yeah, from that. We're missing eight years in between then and now. Yeah, and then she went on to host, to be on two reality TV shows or something. Crazy. Crazy. Boncos.

We've got to find out. Because I didn't hear, I couldn't get any guy. That was just a fucking enthralling, fucking amazing story. There was no garbage in that. Now we've got to really find out. Her parents gave her away at 14 when he thought about it. No. Jew.

I think she just distracted us with the Sports Illustrated story. Yeah, this is what she did. All right, now we're going to start grilling. That's called 30 for 30 right there. Oh, that's a good 30 for 30. Liam Shriver, call us. Liam.

Does the good announcers. All right, so you sold the house in Park Zone. I'm recapping. No, I know. I know, big man. What street was that on over there? Garfield Place between 7th and 8th. That's pretty close.

A block away from Prospect Park. And your grocery store over there growing up? Keyfood. Keyfood goes either way. We found out, I think they're individually owned. So the real hit or miss. How was it? Was it all right?

Or was it like non-tiled concrete floors? A Starbucks did try to open, and the whole community was in arms because they were like, we do small businesses, but now it's like all big business. I don't know where that has to do with garbage, but it's like a hipster garbage. Yeah, exactly. We had a Connecticut muffin.

What the fuck's a Connecticut muffin? Exactly. Jesus, that's weird. We're small, boutique type. What kind of car did your dad drive? Ford. Ford Taurus. Ford Taurus?

Yeah. What color? Red. Like drug dealer car. Let's put that in the side. Fucking boncos. And do you have a car now? I just got my first car, but I don't drive.

What is it? What do you mean? I got an Audi. I don't have a license. I lost my license. It expired. And then I failed my test. What?

How are we able to buy a car? Because of my fiance. I bought it so my fiance can drive me around. OK, but are you allowed to buy a car if you don't have a license? Is this a citizen's arrest? What's happening here? Toby Kuffer.

Hucker, Toby. Hey, fat boy, Zippin, will you? So growing up in New York City, we didn't have drivers at or anything. So I never got my license. At 24, my dad was like, you have to get your license. I got it in the Bronx. It was sketchy.

I ended railing the curb. And the lady was like, Jesus Christ. And she passed me. Then I never really drove. And then during the pandemic, it expired. Didn't know I just had to press something online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had to redo my test.

And I failed it. Did they tell you that there? Like they're sitting there with the clipboard. They have this receipt for you. And then they write, fail, or pass. And they just hand it to you. I didn't even get to the parallel parking. The guy was like, let's turn the car around.

I've seen all I need to see. They're going the wrong way. And we got stuck on the median. They have all their history. So he goes, you had your license before? And I was like, yeah. I tried to make him laugh and he didn't respond. Those guys are tough.

Yeah, those guys are tough. How bad, I mean. I like, apparently the first turn, the left turn, I just kind of went right on the yellow lines. Apparently not supposed to do that. So it's good you're not driving. It's good your fiance has a license. You got an Audi.

Pretty nice. Thank you. Pretty classy. Thank you. SUV? Reality TV money, yes. Nice. Yeah, but this is like, this falls into like trashy,

but she bought an Audi, but not a license. I'm aware. Actually, it's not bought, it's leased. When that one, so. It's important to information. So the first successful thing you started doing in entertainment was working on the Bravo shows, right? So I ended up going into sales as my first real job

when I was making money. Big data. Cold calling. Cold calling, coffees for closes. And I was pushing. I was pushing digital marketing for small businesses. Couldn't tell you what it does. Sure, of course.

But I was like, I made people laugh. I was like, good energy. And I just started selling a shit ton. Like I was making six figures, 22 years old. What? But I fucking hated it. And I would, I just hated it. I felt like I was back in tennis where like,

if you had a win, you're happy. If you didn't, you hated yourself. And I'm like, I'm doing the same shit. And I was more interested in the creative stuff. So then I went to a marketing company that was really boring and I quit. Finally, I'm like, I want to do video. That was the thought.

I just want to do video. OK. And I believe in manifestation. Do you boys believe in manifestation? To an extent, yeah. I mean, I believe, I'm not trying to be all like crystal bullshit. It's more like, if you put it out there,

like you, it's like after a breakup and you think about your ex, you notice them everywhere. Sure. It's like, if you think of something positive, you start noticing the opportunities everywhere. Completely agree. So I was like, in University of Wisconsin, I did some sports broadcasting because I know sports.

I like being in front of the camera. I was like, I want to do that again. This company called, this media company from Millennial Women wanted some funny videos. OK. So I sent some funny videos. They wanted five years experience of a video producer. And I knew how to edit, but I didn't know shit.

So it just came with a bunch of ideas. So this company paid me $300 a week and they were like, can you make funny videos and memes and tweets? And I was like, I'm the funny friend in my group text. Like, I come from a funny family. I can do this. Yeah, can figure it out.

And then I started, my tweets started to go viral. And I started to create videos. I started to meet comedians in the city. And that was my bridge. My bridge. Yeah. And then I started a podcast. And then I found out that I got casted on a reality TV show.

So I was like, OK, this could be my platform to do what I really love to do, which is make people laugh. But you already had a good chunk of cash from the sales thing. I had decent cash. And also, I hadn't spent any money on college because I took all my parents' money. And were you living at home at the time when you were doing the sales thing?

Yeah, I was living at home. What did you, was there anything that you bought irresponsibly when you first got a bunch of money? How do I say this? I am the cheapest motherfucker. Really? I don't spend any money on anything except food. Yeah, I don't spend money on anything.

That's very classy. Is that? What do you mean, a 22-year-old kid making six figures? You have any idea what I would have bought? We went shopping. And he was like, let's get these strawberries. And I'm like, those strawberries are $9. And he's like, you need to grow up.

Oh, yeah, you're not. So I don't think that's classy. Like, I'm a little crazy with that. I don't know, I like that. And he's saving. I Ubered. You Ubered. I Ubered.

Ubering and food, I will sacrifice. Yeah. I like it. I love how I feel like I'm in a test right now for real, because he's xing stuff off. He's shaking his head a little. Those notes mean nothing? It just says jelly beans over and over and over.

He's playing tic-tac-toe with himself. And he somehow always loses. God damn it. This guy's killing me. Kippy. What was my first big purchase? I guess I finally got a studio apartment after one year into reality TV.

I started renting a studio apartment, but it was in Queens, so that's kind of trashy. Yeah, that's me. What, really? Wow, imagine that. It was long out in the city. A studio in Queens. I mean, everything's coming up burner.

I mean, it wasn't a storey, but it was long on city, but. Still. No, that's, yeah. I love how she's like, well, I thought she said she bought. I was like, ah, well, yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought you were going. You started renting a studio apartment in Queens. Credit score is good?

Yeah, credit score is good. Credit cards? I got credit cards. Roughly, what's the? Credit limit. Credit limit. Oh, come on. All said and done.

I don't know, because I don't really spend money, but I've never been in trouble with it. OK. See, that's a classy person's answer. American Express? No, Chase Sapphire. That's Sapphire. Pretty good.

Not too shaggy. Pretty good. Is that a metal card or is it plastic? It's in between. I'm not exactly what you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. I've seen one.

I've seen one. I used to shine the shoes of a man who had one. I said, what's that, mister? So it's a credit card, son. No, but so I just turned 30. I didn't start making money until, like, real money until I was 28. You said you were making six figures at 22?

That's real money. Yeah, but you know, you get a lot of expenses. Wow, that means you're making real, real money. This kid's got some cash on there. No, but how much cash you got on you right now? But I'm saying, you got some 20s from stand up. But the fun part about all of this is I got on a reality TV show, and then they

got me on a talk show on Bravo. And I was like, oh my god, I've made it. And then it all fell apart, and I lost both jobs. Yeah, there's not a lot of legs to those reality TV shows. No, no, no, no, no, no. You still got a shitload of episodes out of it. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, it's great. Yeah, I didn't. I had two great seasons and one, like, just terrible season. But I got out alive. There you go. Yeah. I love it. I had a girl who was on The Bachelor.

She threw a huge party for, like, the viewing party, and I went to high school with her. It went bad. And she got voted off in the first fucking episode. And then the party ended with her crying in the back of the bar. Oh my god. And we're all like, why did you invite the whole high school out to this?

You knew how this ended. Yeah, like, you were there. You were there. She was the first one off. It was like she didn't even make it through the credits. It's like she forgot. Yeah, the fact that she was even there would tell. Don't they film that?

Maybe she thought there'd be more screen time, because you don't know what they're going to show. Because they filmed for, like, 12 hours that first night. I don't even think she unpacked. Like, she was still. She got tossed quite. That's on her. Because I could see, like, throwing a party,

and then they start a new storyline that you're not aware of where everyone's talking shit about you, like, that happened to me, where I would be like, this is embarrassing. But that bitch knew. She knew. Yeah, she knew. She wanted some negative attention, maybe.

She wanted something, yeah. All attention's decent attention. That's true. She got to play the victim afterward. Yes. Which I'm a big fan of. It's quite honest with me. Hey, listen, she can play whatever roles she wants.

It was open bar. That's a sin. Tough break. You got four margaritas. Two more rum and coax, please. All right. What do you got, Kip? Let's see.

How old were you the first time you had lobster? I was young because we'd go to Montauk when I was younger. We lived. We'd be in Brooklyn, and we'd go out to Shelter Island. I'd go to your grandfather's. To see some of my grandfathers. That would be the vacation spot. Clam bar, yeah.

I'd go to the clam bar in Montauk. Pretty good. Pretty young. I do remember my dad still reminds me once. I got fried flounder. He got a lobster, and I was like, I want that. And he gave me his lobster. And to this day, he's like, I gave you my fucking lobster.

Yeah, this guy really holds a grudge, right? The 400 grand, the lobster. Remember when you had the last bowl of cereal, huh? You don't think I like frosted flakes? Now you know where to get my cheap ass from. That's good. I think that I'm sticking to my assessment. I think that's a sign of class.

Saving money. OK. You're saving money in cheapness, or two things. Do you call it mini golf or putt putt? Mini golf. OK. Is that classy? Putt putt's trashy.

Mini golf. Yeah, putt putt in the south, they say that. When someone first said putt putt, I was like, excuse me? It sounds like you're talking to a baby. Bless you. Yeah, it's insane. As an athletic person, are there any games like putt putt that you excel at, like Ski Ball or?

Great question. I'm quite good at ping pong. Like, I won't be a real ping pong player, because they have real technique. But if we're drunk at a bar, I am throwing down and just whooping ass. She's got people running down. I'll be there all night.

And I'm very competitive. And I'll be like, OK, first to five, getting a line. And I'll be like, next, next victim, next victim. And then I'll go home all sweaty. Yeah, sounds like a real cool hangout. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, leaders! Having a good time at Maritalovo over here, huh?

Jesus Christ. Trying to get some cheese steak egg rolls over here. What the fuck? Just get a picture of beer and a laugh. The guys get very hyped up about it. They're like, I can beat her. I'm going to beat her. I'm going to beat her.

So then it becomes. Yeah, then you have to show up. You've got to own them. I actually am. This is kind of classy of me. I'm good at golf. I'm good at golf. What are you?

I'm a 15 handicapped. What? Yeah. No, because when I was younger in Shelter Island, we played tennis and golf and I kind of had to choose between. So I'm basically a retired old man. And I get along very well with older men who are in finance. I know I could talk the talk.

I watch a golf channel on Sundays. How often do you get out? Recently, because I've been traveling. I've got to say, the Brooklyn thing is real misleading. I think you're pretty classy. Well, you're making me blush. I mean, I don't know. Are we are we doing it in two different shows?

Am I crazy? She's got an Audi and can't drive. Yeah, but still the Shelter Island thing. But is it kind of classy? That's her grandfather. The Shelter Island thing is her grandfather. That's even I think that's even makes it more classy because there's a little bit of heritage.

They're not some renters out there on the weekends. There's some legacy. There's some legacy. First of all, I don't know what Shelter Island is, but it sounds haunted. I mean, if we're going to be throwing this around, I got to explain how I feel about it. You'll never find me there.

I'm saying that. Oh, God, all right, let's see. Your family ever changed their name? Anybody in your family ever changed their name? Great question. So my mom's last name is Dileo, Italian. My dad is like Russian, Austrian, Polish, Jewish. He's burner.

They may have been changed in Ellis Island to shorten them up. They may have. Nothing known, though. But nobody's first. You don't have a cousin that like changed her name. She was named Sheila and she changed her name. Trixie.

Trixie is great. No, no name changes pretty straight forward. Not a lot of drama in the family. Not bad. So there's nobody in your immediate family, your cousins that doesn't speak to each other or anything like that. There actually is not.

It's super boring. Hell yeah, these kids are right. Any male family members, cousins, uncles have ponytails? No. Any runaways in the family? No, but one of my cousins has been studying abroad for a while. An eerily long time.

She's at the Sorbol. He's been volunteering in Africa for a while. Come on, this kid. Does anybody in your family not trust the banks? My dad is queasy about the stock market, but my brother's been getting him to be more trustworthy. Okay, okay. Any instruments as a kid?

Piano very a little bit, a little bit of trumpet. I thought it was going to be the easiest one because there's only three buttons. It's actually the hardest. Plus the plunger at the end. Yes, yes. Any magicians in the family? God no.

Yeah, this is, come on. Do you put potato chips on a sandwich? Yes. Especially tuna. I fuck with that. That just made my blood run cold. Oil and vinegar, a little salt and vinegar chip on a tuna sandwich.

Yes. I know that this weekend. Yes. I thought you were eating well. Tuna fish, I'll put it on wheat toast. Tuna fish is protein. I'll use vegana's. Yeah.

What's your mayonnaise? Any and all. You do miracle whip? Not, not, normally I do, was it Heinz? Helmins. Helmins, sorry, Helmins, yeah. This kid's all right. You didn't even know what Helmins was.

I just remember the age. I don't, I don't do the shopping in the family. Growing up, would you keep the butter on the counter or in the refrigerator? In the refrigerator. Interesting. Favorite salad dressing? I don't eat salads.

Why not? Because it's rabbit food. What do you eat? Come on, you don't eat vegetables? I do, but salads are just like very chewy. If I were to put something on it. That's one way to put it. Maybe a, maybe a ranch.

I know that's trashy, but it's better than the other ones. Better than barbecue sauce. You're starting to work your way down. Yeah, I'll give you that. I mean, yeah. It's rabbit food. That's like something a dad said in the 80s. I mean, I do eat sweet green when I have to.

Okay. That's a fantastic, fantastic. Harvest bowl. Yeah. Do you drink? I don't recommend. Not really. I did when I was on reality TV because I got paid for it.

Okay. But I've always been better at eating than drinking. Put ice in your wine? No. Okay, not bad. Ever bought anything at an auction? Only, like a charity thing once. I don't care how many licenses she doesn't have.

What was the charity? Probably something I do a lot with like mental health stuff. Yeah. Drag. I apologize. Bringing you down here. This is ridiculous. Oh God.

This is ridiculous. I mean, I am like kind of the country club Brooklyn, because not a lot of people would play tennis or golf. Yeah, that's weird for me. But it's my shut down experience that I think elevated my culture. Okay. You guys are putting a lot of stock in this.

But I did go to university. You guys, I went to University of Wisconsin. No, no, it's not. That's a good fucking school. That's a good school. It is great football program. It is considered one of the ivies of the Midwest. Arguably, people would argue that.

That's the trashiest thing you said in the last 45 minutes. There we go. Next you're going to say it was a satellite camp. University of Wisconsin, Long Island. But a lot of duck hunting, a lot of cheese curds, a lot of beer. Sure. Simple life.

Sure. Love that. It's okay. Spotted cow. Yes, spotted cow. I did, I wanted to just see what Middle America was like, see if it can enhance my perspective of the world, you know? Yeah.

Do you steal candy bars or anything like that for the thrill airport? No, I do. I did eat my roommates' leftover food a couple too many times, though. But that's, I would get them back immediately next day. I'd buy them whatever I ate. If you go out to a restaurant and you don't finish your meal,

do you take leftovers home? Yeah. So you have no problem eating out of your then roommates' leftover containers after they had eaten out of it? Yeah, like my roommates would get halal food late at night, would not eat it. And then the morning I'd be like, thank you. Halal food is, arguably.

You're crushing half a gyro from your fucking roommate? A whole gyro. Wait, did they eat it? Was there bites out of it? They ate a little and then they passed out while eating it. And then next day, I don't want to have to go outside for food. That's, here we go. Do you guys not eat street meat?

Of course we do, but not after some fucking kid from Williamsburg. Yeah, that's nuts. What the fuck? That's not, I mean, was it in the fridge? Yes, yes. Yes, it was in the fridge. I heated it up.

Were your roommates anybody we know at the time? No. All right. No comics. No comics. Have you ever attended a birthday dinner at a Hibachi restaurant? When I was young with like Polly Prep kids, but once I was out of that, I didn't touch it.

Holy fuck, going out to restaurants in high school like that? It was like birthday parties. That's no, that was no, but what? Chuck E. Cheese like everybody else. That in high school, you bozo? I don't know, it sounds pretty classy to me. Actually, I did have a pretty epic birthday party once. They got a pony in Brooklyn.

So the kids were like riding a pony up and down the street. Just a big dog. Just a big weird looking dog. And then they got all these goldfish and they put it in like a little blow up pool. And the kids got to capture the goldfish. There was a lot of death that day. Yeah, I mean, those things don't last.

Now they say it out loud. I think I'm going to get canceled from doing that party. Pita. Pita's coming for me. Take a goldfish, throw it on the concrete. Brush your teeth in the shower. No, God, no. Pee in the shower?

Yes. OK. Pee in the pool. Yes. And hot tub, which is kind of classy, that I'm in hot tubs. No, it's not. It's hot. You pee in a fucking hot tub?

It's already hot. I also pee in hot tub. What? The hot water makes you want to pee. That's too small. It's scientific. Toby's mad at me like we're going hot tubs every night. We're going to.

We're doing good. Dude, come on. Listen. I like it. It's chlorinated. I think it's classy that I've been in enough hot tubs to have a pee routine in hot tubs. Hot tubs aren't that classy, depending

on the application of the hot tub. Oh, if it's above ground or below ground. You have a standalone hot tub. That's what this show was based on. There's not enough water to disperse the pee. That's what started the show. It is. That was one of the first questions

that started the show. A standalone hot tub is trash. I'm pretty vocal about peeing in hot tubs because the reality show was a lot of summer shit. So I would just be like going to go pee in the hot tub with Carl in it. And that's just what I would do. You would say that and then go do it.

Yeah. That was fun for me. It's probably trash. I would just be looking at the camera guy and be like peeing. They'd be like, you're disgusting. When you were an athlete, did you ever use those ice baths that I see celebrities go into? Yeah, it was horrible.

You did? Yeah, it was like a hazing thing where after practice, they would force us to be in for five minutes. The first minute's horrible. Then your body starts going numb. And then you're kind of just sitting in it. And then you go outside. And then it's fucking Wisconsin weather.

So you could dive pneumonia, but it was worth it for the sport. Yes, it was. That's awesome. That's pretty cool. Here's a question, athlete. What's your favorite Gatorade flavor? Great question. I have to go with, OK, my actual favorite

is mango, which you won't find a lot. It's very rare. Sure. But next, I'd have to go with classic icy blue. Yeah, nice. Because you're a fucking, you know, you don't have your head up your ass. No.

But I would drink it and I would get it all over myself every match. What would you have? What would you drink on the match? So apparently nowadays, Gatorade's considered like crack cocaine and it has too much sugar. But as a kid, all we did was drink Gatorade. It was in my fucking veins.

I was so jacked up. Fucking loved it. So I would drink so much Gatorade. They would have like a little water on the side, but I think water is boring. I would just be chugging Gatorade. So that's what's in your little squirt bottle? Yeah, Gatorade.

Powerade doesn't hit the same for me. No, no, no. It's offensive. Yeah. But nowadays, they have your own body armor and like less sugary choice that is supposed to be better. Yeah. So they were like, this stuff is bad for children.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Gatorade. Are you TSA pre-checked? I am currently, I have, what's the other one? Clear. I have clear. No fly list. But I'm supposed to get on TSA pre,

but I've been procrastinating. She bought a plane, but she can't fly. Yeah. You guys get me. Just put a G5. You get me. I lost my pilot's license. Couldn't parallel park the thing to save my life.

You get cash back when you make a purchase. No. Yeah, you're classy. Very clean. How do you feel about Parmesan truffle fries? I fuck with that. Anything with truffle I fuck with. I like it.

That's classy, right? Fake truffle, real truffle. I'll take you there, though. Oh, OK. I've recently gotten a truffle hot sauce that I've been fucking with. You do hot sauce. Isn't that the brand?

Just a little bit. It's called truff. Yeah, yeah. How high can you go? How hot? So it's an Instagram ad? I got it for free. I did.

I did get it for free. Well, there she goes. There she goes. Here we are. The question is. You're doing sponsored fucking hot sauce. Are you doing sponsored hot sauce ads? I just did a sponsored post for Body Armor yesterday.

I do a lot of sponsors. Oh, that's why she fucking ran up. Bodies, they're doing 50% less sugar than Gatorade. Toby, cut that. She holds up a pair of the sugar. I also want to know from you guys, I do sponsored ads for dildos. So sex toys, because the average influencer

doesn't want to do them. And these guys have a lot of money for marketing. I know. Shout out to Adam and Eve coming up in a week. Yes, yes. And I have a following. And I'm a comedian. So I'm like, please, I would love to do ads.

And also it's like, it talks about sexual wellness, whatever, you know, it's important. So I do sex toy ads all the time. And that's how I bought my Audi. Yeah, really? Got to respect it. I like it. I mean, I'm not like jamming it inside of me in the ad.

I'm just holding it up. You like what you see? Click the link in my bio. I do not have an oldie fans yet. But if things go bad, you never know. It's fantastic. Any hoarders in the family? No, but I'm not the cleanest.

I'm a little messy. I think we all are, though. I'm a creative, you know? Everybody says they try. I'm an artist. I'm an artist. But yeah, no, I'm not clean. I'm not OCD.

But I was raised at the Italian family. My mom would just like clean everything. She loves cleaning. So I felt like I was giving back to the family. We had a little trail of mess. What's the coffee pot situation at your place now? And do you have your own place now? Do you guys, you and your fiancee live together?

I'm living with my fiancee. Nice. In Lower East Side. OK. And he does pretty well. He does well. I'm not a big coffee drinker. I drink chai lattes and matcha lattes.

Matcha's classy. Oh, my wife does. On the Lower East Side. There are moments when I'll be sitting with my fiance on the Lower East Side, and I'm like, we're not cool enough to be here. Like, you need to put on a tutu or something and figure it out.

Yeah, it's true. You need cool fashion all the time that's breaking norms. Yeah, something so insane where you're like that. I'm not buying this, but he's cool as shit. You're cool. He's a sharp dress guy. You guys do belong down there. What do you mean?

Oh, my god, thank you. Are you guys shipping us, as they say? What does that mean? It means to support. Like, you ship a relationship. Like, you want the best for them. Oh, 100%. Yeah, you've always been a big fan of those.

Has he been? Has he been? Is there anything I should know about him that I don't know? I don't know. I don't even know him that well. Oh, suddenly you guys don't know him? Suddenly you've never met him? I just know him to say hello to him,

but I know he's a good looking kid in a sharp dresser. And maybe I would like to kiss him on the lip. If he were to be open to that. Do I find him attractive? Yeah, I do. Wait, nobody asked me that. Tommy, cut the tape. But I appreciate the humbling.

But you guys do belong down there. I'm 42 episodes on Brava. What do you thought, if you don't belong in the Lower East side, who does? No, but it is very young and very cool. Like, it is very fashion-forward. Yes, so fashion-forward. The point where it's like people are walking,

and you're like, what's going on here? But they pull it off. It's wild. What's fashion-forward mean exactly? You're backwards. The opposite of you. What does that mean? Fashion-forward means like you're creating the trends.

You're not just copying. You're not like you're like, yeah. Like you, someone's doing something crazy on the Lower East side, and then like three months later, it's on the cover of Vogue, the same style. Because they're the artists that are like, create. It's like, you know, underground comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me an example of something that would. I'm not doing it. I mean, she can try. I'm not done. Like, like a birdcage on your head and jinkos on your legs. Yeah, and be like, what is that person even wearing? And then six months. What do I get something like that?

Every time it's the Lower East side. Kids on TikTok? Is that a v-neck or just a stretched neck? What's happening? It's got to get over that. I didn't know we were coming here to insult each other. But you know what my hands have? It's a loose, whatchamacallit.

This is just come up. Loose scoop. Yeah, this is just come up. Couple of fans have hit me up. I got to start doing collared shirts for the duration of my fatness, because it's a tough look, yeah, it's bad. I like it. Or maybe it's fashion forward.

I don't know. Yeah, maybe just say that they don't get it. It's fashion. Maybe in five years, fat guys with loose collars and pre-diabetes neck is going to be on the cover of Oak. How about that, Kippy? I mean, sure.

I'm a runway model. Ever see your parents' French kiss? No. That's pretty good. Ever in the mechanical bull? No. You thought I had her dead the right time now. I've watched my friends, but I'm like, now my tennis career

is too important. Dude, the whole vibe of this show has been fully being like, she's all class. It's like two detectives. And he's like, it's an open and shut case. And Kippy's like, nah, there's more to this thing. It's deeper than we think. Well, I'm a comedian, so I obviously hate myself.

So there has to be some trash in there, but you guys haven't. I haven't found it yet. I haven't found it yet. We're not going anywhere until we do. Do you have name brand luggage? No. No. No.

Just like whatever, some black. I think at a young age, I've lost important things. I'm a little forgetful. So I don't like to put my happiness into materialistic things that could be disappeared or you know. Do you have a retirement fund that you've set up for yourself? I do. You do.

Because my brother's in finance, so he told me I have to. Is it a 401K? No, but I have like an IRA. Roth IRA, very nice. I also have one. There's about 12 bucks on it. That's a bag, but I do have one too. That's fantastic.

All right, you're at a restaurant. You're done. Say you're having a soda, a pint glass. Will you stuff your dirty napkin in the glasses? No, no, no, no. But I'll put the napkin on the plate sometimes just to let people know we're done. We're done here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But never, not in the. Well, you also, this has been highly debated on Twitter over the last couple of days, stacking the plates for the server. Clancy or Trashy, what do you think? I think that is, I think it's classy. OK.

I think it's classy, because you're trying to get out of there, you're helping a little bit. I don't think it's necessary. Right. Because let her have a purpose. Or him. Or him, but I'll move the plates sometimes to make it easier for them.

But I'm not going to do a full cleanup. I was like, yeah, I'm not getting the bus pan out. Exactly, exactly. How do you save an avocado? You keep the pit in it. You keep the pit in it, especially if you make guacamole, save the pit, put it in. It's like the Matrix right now.

This is funny, because me being just a millennial white girl, you guys are like, you're so classy. I mean, you're blowing our minds. I'm just being an annoying millennial white girl. You got avocado on us. Me telling you how to save avocado is bare minimum to be a millennial woman. Sure, of course, of course.

Bare minimum. Avocado toast, you have to be able to handle that in your sleep. Any paintings of your family together? You have a family painting? No, but my nan and pop of the Italian side do have a couple portraits together to show their love. Portraits or paintings?

Paintings of portraits. That's all, but that's old school. Yeah, that's old school. Do they have the pictures of like Sinatra and the Pope and stuff like that? They will. Sinatra is always playing in the background. I think there's a photo of them meeting him once.

Little handshake. Yeah, I mean, they're real Italian. If you got a picture of you meeting Sinatra. I think Sinatra kissed my mom on the cheek. She tells a story a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I don't even break his fucking face. And my Nana is very, very beautiful.

My grandma, she's like sexy. I've seen her Instagram page. Oh, yes, Nana still got it. Follow her. Are you being serious? Yeah, my Nana is very, very beautiful. And she has so many. She has a ton of stories of just celebrity men,

like Yankees just like hitting on her. And that's awesome. Yeah, so that's, I don't know if that's class. Mike, my grandma has a Instagram full of like, thirst traps. Wait, she really does? Yeah, is that classy or trashy of her? Trashy, come on.

You're a goddamn professional tennis player. What do you think? This is my Nana's Instagram. Muchy, muchy. She's a beast. I got a whole, I mean. You got an Uber to shelter island real quick, huh? I got everything I need to, I mean, what are we doing?

I mean, I've told you some. You ever go into Sephora and get anything and then leave with it? No. I do that. Go ahead and get a couple of samples and get out of there. I got one from Patreon that, but you don't drink, but it's a really old thing. But I do drink sometimes. It's from TT.

It's just letters. First question. You ever top off your white claw with vodka? Give it a floater? No, it's a thing. I'm kind of an old man who's retired in a 30-year-old girl's body. You ever see the Bacon Brothers in concert? No, I don't know who they are.

You don't know what that is. Good. Do you want it? You want to go next Friday night? I got two front row tickets. Have you ever seen a band twice in a row? No. Ever been on tour with the dad or anything like that?

No. Burning Man? No. Lala Palooza? No. You floss every day? Every three days. Damn.

It's good. I mean... What? Have you turned? Yeah. I was trying to... Yeah. You were on to me for...

I think it's because I was an athlete. I have a kind of a disciplined mentality. Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, um... You guys, you're missing... I did reality TV. I know, but...

Yeah. But I mean, I did do it strategically to help... I thought about that. ...my comedic career. But I've done some trashy things on TV. I... A guy, um... I mean, peeing in the hot water.

Technically, a reality TV star. And that puts you into... I'm now trying to move... I'm trying to rebrand. I'm in a rebrandification. Sure. But, um... I did have a guy...

That's Classie. Come on. Yeah, she's Classie. It's her. That's what it is. Man, it's her. I did have a guy... Working on yourself?

What the fuck? I had a guy eat me out on... Where the fuck did this come from? On TV. I mean, it was like under covers, but like, you hear... Like, you can hear me have sex on TV. Wait, what show's that? Summer House.

The show. And is it on demand? Season and episode, please. But I do... I did it in a, like, empowering way that, you know, women should be able to enjoy sex. Sure, of course. And have fun with, like... Like, he's a hot model.

And I was like, yeah, let him go down on me. Like, I felt like that was a very feminist thing. Sure. I didn't go down on him. Um, so, for me, I was kind of just changing the world. Through sex on TV. When he whooped his ass at table tennis. Yeah, then I did beat him in tennis the next day.

When you run for president, let me know, because I'm on board. I like that. I did get a drink thrown at me once, but I didn't rebuttal. I just walked away. Yeah, you're... Who threw the drink at you? This girl named Amanda. Fucking Amanda.

Was it on the show? Yeah, she was mad, because her fiance was being rude to her and me. And I was like, don't talk to me. How you talk to her? And she got upset. I stood up for herself. Kids are right. It's an open and shut case over here.

I'm like, you know... Folks, we gave it our best shot. I think we have a pretty good track record of getting confessions out of people on the show. Hannah Burner. Top notch class in my book. Top notch class. Is this bad?

Did I disappoint you guys? No, no, no. There's no right or wrong. There's just classy or garbage. And you, my friend, are the classiest. I'll see you in the Lower East Side. I'll see you in the Hamptons. Power mint, the athleticism, everything.

Top show. The plan that we got. The IRA you got. Wait, so coming... The IRA? Coming from two seasoned comics, as someone who's greener in the industry, can I be a successful standup with this kind of class? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Are you talking to us? Are you sure? I was talking to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Season. I've been in the game a minute. You're already successful comedies. Season.

You're doing great. What are you talking about? Yeah, a little better than us. But I'm saying the long term, you know, there's going to be those ups and downs as dark times. Um... Yeah, no, you... We don't know what's going on. I've been, we've been successful for like two months.

Yeah, you said season. I started looking around for salt and pepper. What? Seasoned. You look like you've seen some shit. That's true. Golden Corral, 1996. Oh, I do.

I did fuck with Golden Corral ones. All right, stop talking. What? Okay, what? I'm trying to get you out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Burner. What an episode. So much fun.

What are you not coming up? You want the folks out there? Go to hanniburn.com. I got some stuff in New Jersey, Buffalo, um, some West Coast stuff and listen to my podcast, Burning in Hell. Definitely have to have you guys on it. It's a mental health comedy pod. Love it.

Love it. And, um, follow me at being burns anywhere where I do my, I express my art. That's even classy right now. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. Still popular. And dildo ads. And dildo ads.

And dildo ads. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. And dildo ads. Still pretty classy.

It's empowerment. It's empowerment. 2021 goddamn it. Sexual wellness. I love it. That's right. Get on board. Hannah Burner, unbelievable.

Kippy, what do you got for him? Uh, at Kemmerang Comedy on all social media. Come to a live show. I mean, we got fucking live dates. Hey, we're cooking. Um, merch, the whole nine yards. Patreon, check it out. Guys, we love you and we will see you next week.

Peace. Peace.