Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - House of Ham w/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Sam Tallent! We're talking poison ham, buying a home and traveling the world. You know Sam Tallent from stand up comedy, the Joe Rogan Experience, Kill Tony, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast w/ Shane Gillis, Sam Tallent's Wide World, Stavvy's World, Soder, You Be Trippin with Ari Shaffir, James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Square: Right now, you can get up to $200 off Square hardware at https://square.com/go/GARBAGE Bilt Rewards: Start paying rent through Bilt and take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to https://joinbilt.com/garbage Factor: Get started at https://factormeals.com/garbage50off and use code garbage50off to get 50 percent off plus FREE shipping on your first box. Mint Mobile: Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at https://mintmobile.com/GARBAGE. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, we got a big announcement to Back on the Block tour is going on sale tomorrow, Thursday, 10 a.m. Local time. Woo! Do yourself a favor. Get some tickets. We're coming to a city near you. We're doing big shows. Some of our favorite spots.

We can't wait to see you out there. Yeah, starting in September, we're in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, then Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at the Met. The biggest show we've ever done. Let's go. Then we're doing Rochester, New York and Toronto, Canada. All tickets are on sale 10 a.m.

Your local time at the city. Get them at RUGarbage.com. Do it. Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, we're getting somewhere. Everybody out there at there.

Welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Hey! That little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that after you're going to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Tachulli, coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She just hop back from the Wootang concert. She was hanging out with the boys late night. She'll be sleeping one off today. She'll have to rizze. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is what we call the CEO of RU Garbage. is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world.

Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang. Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate with you, subscribe on iTunes, full video available, and YouTube, also full video available now on Spotify over there. Check that out. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.

www. patreon.com. So I show you garbage. You go over there. You get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir. And gang, we could be more excited ever incredibly. And I mean incredibly special guests. back with us again today.

I think it's his third time or fourth time on the show. Very funny stand-up comedian. Accomplished author. Random House author. All right? It's going to be over in the UK and May. He's going to be in Australia in July, but we got them right here at Toadies.

Give it up for the one the only. Mr. Sam Tallinn, everybody. Hey, man. Man, you really fired it up for that one. Yeah, man. I can turn it on when I need to. Yeah, you were like morose when I got here. It's like someone hits a lot.

would have shot a beef pillow. Fucking jumps right. You were like Dominique Wilkins from the free throw line. I had a craft singles in the bathroom. Oh, is that what that rapper sound was? Juice me up a little bit. I go yellow, not white. Hey, no one accused you of anything else.

Man, that white, you guys love the white, that fake provolone shit. I do. Growing up, that white was, even in Philly, too, it was always white. New York's more yellow. Yeah, never had yellow cheese growing up. Except for Alveda. I always thought the white stuff was like, oh, maybe one day if I save up. Sure.

I think it's all the same price, right? I don't know. There's a different flavor, too, from the craft yellow singles to the craft white singles. The craft white singles have a little bit of a sweeter finish to it. They're tangy and they melt better, which I appreciate. Luke, get me a price point on a 16 pack of white and a 16 pack of yellow. They got to be the same. It's a couple of singles over here.

He has a couple of free samples. He said I could have whatever I want. Slice thin If you're going to make Like a like a like a like a like a like a like a meat cheesy Beefy sandwich I think that white cheese is superior Of course That's that was always even the fancy chefs will say that

That American cheese is the best for for for cheeseburg Talk to a lot of fancy chefs to you Yeah I do Rubbing elbows. Yeah that's right. Okay Michelin star It's not just elbows

This guy's getting the best table yeah Buddy Congratulations We just reset the show thanks for tuning in gang Congratulations and everything. Same to you guys. I love following everything that you do.

And before we get into the questions that we have from the homies there, I just got to say again, you're never home. You're always moving. Yeah. You're moving and you're shaking. I see you here. I see you there. I've lost some weight. Yeah.

You look fantastic. It came in with a nice bright orange jacket like Hunter orange. Beautiful. I just came from the deer blind. When's the last time you were in Japan? I get hung up on. I feel like you're in Japan every other weekend. Very well-traveled you are.

I like it out there in the world. The world's beautiful. It's nice. Also, hey, to your listeners, the cherry blossoms are in bloom across this country. Get out there and see them right now. Of course. Yeah. I was in Japan Christmas until I was there for like 16 days at the beginning of the year.

How many times is that? This was my third time in Japan. That's crazy. Like the last two years. I did take my dad. I took my sister, my brother-in-law. It was awesome. My brother-in-law?

I don't know if I should tell this story. But anyway, we had a really good time. Let's just say they're pretty stringent about who they let it. Oh. Really? Oh, yeah. No kidding. Oh, man, they do not like to open their doors to anyone with a murky pass.

Someone who made mistakes as a youth. It's not just fault, you know? No kidding. It's a product of the system. What do they do when they see you over there? You're a tall gentleman. They go like this. They get in one of those big nets.

Yeah, they move three of the crates that everyone's sitting on the side, and they bring in one big beanbag chair. Is that a problem for you? Because that is a tighter, it's close quarters over there. problem for me most places. I'm not even dumping over there. Oh, man. Standing up.

In the alleyway. I'm like Andre the Giant. I'm squatting in a fucking bathtub. Talk about Fugoshima. Yeah, I have to throw the sheets away. I've always said you are the mix of trash and class because you go over there and like, you know, obviously you're shit in a bathtub. But then also you're taking time to send us self-handwritten postcards. Oh, yeah.

Which is very nice. No one's doing that. Yeah. He's an old soul. He's got a good fucking good head on. on his shoulder. Classy. I think about you guys a lot just because your rise was very close

to when I was kind of ascending. Yes, we were both our trajectory is very similar. And I feel like no matter what happens, I'm always going to be stoked to see you guys. I love it. You know, you can't bury something that came from the dirt. You know? Damn. Fucking. I heard a special team. This guy's got away with words.

I heard a special teams player on the Saints say that when they didn't cut him. See? He'll drop shit like that, but he's like, they didn't cover the overs. Wasn't that Triple H? You mean Hunter Hurst-Hel. He refers to AAA's as Hunter-Helmsley. Dude, I literally take my financial advice from Mick Foley.

I heard Mick Foley recently. That's not good. Maybe it is. What do you got? Put all your money in flannels. Buy barbed wire now. Fluorescent lights. Smash them.

He said it's not what you make. It's what you save, brother. That's good. Of course. So I bought a house. There you go. Did you buy a house? Yeah, out there near Detroit.

Is that what you did? Huh? Look at you. My wife's from there. It's like, dude, we couldn't buy a nice house in Denver. But in Detroit, we can own this beautiful home. Sure. And you're going to keep it?

You're not like flipping it or anything like that? No, no. Dude, what am I? I don't have the energy. I don't give a shit to try and make $60,000 on a huge hassle. Yeah. And now you're off to Paris for a few weeks, you were saying. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, get that. Paris in the springtime, huh? Yeah, dude. May and Paris. Are you handy around the house? No, do you sub all that out? You just go get a handy man. I bring a man in.

Yeah, me too. Did you have to do anything when you bought the home? Yeah, give my wife a checkbook. Here, honey. Do you have a checkbook? I had to work in Toledo. Yeah. Do you have a checkbook?

I have four checks. They're like in the gun safe. That's good. In the gun safe. Once a year, I'm like, I'll get a check. That's old cowboy shit. Yeah. We don't have chatt.

I don't know anybody that uses checks. I do. You have checks? I have checks, yeah. What are you writing checks do? Not to me. I got to pay my mortgage every month. He's got a secret family in Tuscaloosa.

I do, huh? Tuscaloosa's son. Checks are for girls, man. Yeah, what are you doing? What's up, ladies? How are you doing it? Wait, you don't just do, you don't just transfer it? No, I fucked up when I did it, and now I'm one of those things I got to set up,

but I mail my check in. You do? And then this is what I do. I write all the checks. So I'm currently out of checks because I just wrote 10 months worth the checks. and I let I sit them there and then I Because otherwise I forget Let me ask you both this as you know

Recent homeowners and you know Fine gentlemen that I know Do you have um Do you have the sticker that says the return address on it With the family home? No Do you have that Sammy? I made us a little stamp we can use

Oh yesy What are you the phone do you? Leo the lion head or something like that Hey man if I knew who the fuck that was maybe Maybe I would be yeah Hey, Gary the giraffe at? You got any more Verona riffs? Verona!

Capulet's in the Montague's. I'm sorry, Shakespeare. No, no, man. I liked that earlier. You don't have a, or... Yeah, because, like, I... It's classy. Well, I carve these little, like, linoleum things.

It's like, it's like whittling, I think. My grandfather was always, like, I would watch TV and I'll just be carving shit and it's fun. But, yeah, I made this a little, like, return. How do you clean that up? You're doing it just in the floor? Yeah, in my living room. Really?

And my wife will be like, what are you doing? And I'm like, doing whatever I want in the home that I pay for. Get my checkbook. Yeah. On the gun safe. Now I know he's on the road, 11 out of 12 months a year. I wish.

You have a stamp. It's pretty good. Do you have one of those wax things, too, where you put the little. You seal it, like from the, from the talents? Only if it's a formal vendetta. Yeah. Only if I need the Pope to know. God rest of soul.

Do you celebrate Easter? I do, of course, yeah. So what did you do yesterday? He's a big ham guy. Yeah. I know. I remember, I'm just saying, I know he likes his hand. I do.

I remember he told the story in his first one. He had that, what was the Serrano ham or whatever, like the big spit. That's a hard connection to Easter. Yes, ham is served on Easter, sure. The ham now that we have in our new house. You have one? Yeah, so he gets like the big legs. Costco, by the way?

Yeah, yeah. Because they're huge over there. Costco has some real classy shit if you look around. Trust of the one in Verona. If you look around They got some nice stuff there You're spolunking in a Costco With a headlamp on

Come up out of a big thing of underwear Caval Glaw Yeah Do you like a foie gras? Do you like a foie gras? I love spreadable meats Yeah, you're about to be in the heart of it I know, it's about to be in my heart too

Yeah, I had it every day when I was there It's so good dude Yeah It's so good Rabbit Tartine or Tartan, whatever it is Sure Yeah, it's like cat food man They have the best cat food in France.

You wouldn't go near that shit. No. So good. You can get a wah-wah pretzel. Sure. Shout out to Wawa. Yeah, no, I'm not a... Smear a little pat-ag.

I would have to say I'm not a spreadable meat kind of guy. Loser. Man, boy, is my face, friend. Mine is two from all the meats. Sure. Coming out of your pores. What's that you do? So the meat you do have now.

You said you have one at the house? Yeah, it's in this room in our basement. Is that where it should be kept? Is it a finished basement? Jesus. Okay. The finish basement. Is it in the finish part?

It might be Swedish. I'm not sure. He has a weird accent either way. Yeah. It keeps offering me figs. Does weird sex stuff. Oh, boy. I have all these chambers in the basement.

One room. Chambers. Yeah. Man, he is a novelist. Fucking freak. Wait, why don't you have the ham in the kitchen? Ham in the kitchen? I can't trust myself.

It should be in the gun safe with the checks. Next to the checks. Breaking case of emergency It's in this room in the basement And we recently had DTE The Energy Company of Detroit come over To test us for a gas leak And in the room that it's in

It was like high for gas It's been in there for like a year Jeez you got eating laced ham I've just been sneaking down there Eating poison ham It probably smells like ham and that's probably what the gas It's probably The hands are probably emitting the gas

It's rotting You gotta put that up in the kitchen You can't be keeping hamaged I don't think you can keep just fucking Okay, I mean. You cover it up, right? Yeah. With loose tin foil.

It's like throwing a blanket over a dog's cage. You have to quiet it down. Yeah. It's gross. Talk about a leader in the pack. If you guys came over, you would love the ham. But what did you know? Buddy, trust me.

How do you make a sandwich? Do you go down there and get it and then bring it upstairs with the rest of the stuff? I don't. I go down there with the bread in hand and just slice it off and pile it up. Do you leave the knife down there? There's a knife in the room. There's a knife in the room. How do you clean that off?

I don't clean off that knife I wipe it on the towel I just smooth it on the towel That goes over the hand You know a barber? Yeah Got a leather strap I have that barbicide tin

And I put the knife in there It's actually just gatorade What did the energy company say About the basement Any any leases They said they gotta watch that Sir you have a mouse problem And I think it's the ham

It did the guy was like Is that a ham in there I was like is that any of your business Are you aware of the ordinance Of not having a human leg in your basement Sir when did you start working for the ham department I don't need you to sit here and judge me How long one of them last you?

Oh, who knows? You know, until my wife makes me throw it away. Does she partake in the hand? No, no, no. Does anybody that come over is like, Oh, yeah. Sweet, we're at Sam's house, let's get our ham. Like, if I didn't know you guys and you were just in town

and I was like, come see my house and I had a ham in the basement, you'd be like, this is the coolest guy alive. Sure, do you tell him how old it is? No, no, no. How old is it? It's over a year? It's over a year? Did you move with it?

No. Okay. Yeah, it was a housewarming ham. Yeah It was like the first thing I bought I don't think the movers would have took that No And it's like

Fucking Fed showing up at your door This guy's got a femur boat in here Honey I have to flush the ham and a hard drive Oh man Congratulations on the new house Congratulations on everything Thank you When did you move in

May 31st our mortgage started Look at you And then we moved in like August Yeah Yeah sure That's shifty What's the yard situation Who's cutting the grass?

We have a service. You have a service. Everything that I can streamline into not having to do anything. I have a salarium in the house. What's a salarium? It's a glass room. Whoa. Yeah, it's like a human.

I think it meant like a deli. I wish. No. Are they called? That's in the basement. We have one of these? Yeah, salarium. Whoa.

Yeah, and I write in that room. I sit in this big chair and I write. It smells different than the rest of the house probably, right? Yes, it does. Because it smells like me getting skin cancer. Ah. Because I'm sitting in a greenhouse. Yeah, it is.

And then my wife comes in and she says, where's your sunscreen? And I say, knock next time. Wait, you got to, that's pretty sweet. It's awesome. It overlooks the backyard.

How many bedrooms is it? Four. Four bedrooms. How many bathrooms? One and a half. And I cannot sit down on the half bathroom. That seems. In the powder room.

Lopsides. It's downstairs. It's a jewel box right next to the kitchen. Oh. Yeah, I got one of them too. I can't poop in there. I can't poop in there. I wish I could.

The sink is right in your face. Dude, it's like when we got the house. It's like an airplane. It's exactly like an airplane. Yeah. And I have to go side side. saddle if I must use it. If my sister and my wife were upstairs in the good bathroom, putting their ointments on.

As women tend to do it. Why's your sister there? It's my house. She's allowed to pop in. She's getting so many questions. Does she live near you? No, no, but she comes out. Seven hours away.

Yeah. Comes over to put her ointment on. She's been hitching, you know. Is that true? No. She could be. My sister. What's the last time you hitchhiked?

You got a bit of a hitcher face? My dad had his hitchhiking a lot as a kid. Jesus. Yeah, because he had this old of, Volkswagen magic bus and it would break down. And then we would just have to like hitchhike home all the time. Yeah. I mean,

a long way to a salarium and some ham. Kids on the come up. Yeah, but let's talk about Square. I ain't talking triangle. Gang, support for today's episode comes from Square. You're all in one business partner making your day-to-day easier from point of sales systems and payments to inventory and custom tools. Square brings everything together in one simple platform.

so you can stay organized, sell anywhere, and keep things moving. You know, we like to keep things moving over here, Thuddies. Whether you're running a cafe, salon, boutique, or something entirely on your own, like a podcast selling t-shirts on the road. Square gives you the flexibility to grow at your own pace and even set up online store in just a few clicks. Yeah, we are big fans of Square. We are, before they were even a sponsor, we started using them.

We use it on the road. if you ever bought a t-shirt on the road, and that's the credit card system we use. It's fantastic. It helps us keep inventory of what we have. We run out of two and three X-Ls very quickly. And we know that because of Square. It is fan-frikin tax.

It's flexible. It's easy to use. Anybody can do it. And right now, listeners can get up to $200 off square hardware. When you sign up at square.com slash go slash garbage, that's square, S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go-gabbage. Garbage. Visit Square to get started because the right tools make all the difference. Yeah, but let's talk about built. Shout out to Bill.

Attention all you renters out there. If you haven't heard of Bill, you're about to thank me, earn your favorite airline miles and hotel points through built just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain. Hold your horses. I know you're all clamoring to find out what's going on. If you're a renter, you should be taking advantage of Bill. We rack up points on groceries on travel and nearly everything else. So why in the hell are we not building up points on the biggest expense of the month are rent? With Bill, paying rent finally pays off.

Yes, there's no cost to join. And just by paying rent, you unlock flexible points. It can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, or your next lift ride, and more. When you pay rent through built, you unlock two powerful benefits.

First, you are in one of the industry's most valuable point on rent every month, no matter where you live or who your landlord is, your rent now works for you. Second, you gain access to exclusive neighborhood benefits in your city. So here's the turkey. Start paying rent through built and take advantage of your neighborhood benefits by going to joinbilt.com slash garbage.

That's join built, j-o-in-b-l-t.com slash garbage. Make sure you use the URL so they know to boy send you. Joinbilt.com slash garbage to sign up for built today. Do it. I went to Disneyland. I brought my whole family to Disneyland like two weeks ago. I was just crying the whole time because of how proud I was. Are you putting the bill for that whole thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, y'all. Let's fucking go, Sammy. It's crazy. Well, who is the whole family? And your dad, your sister? No, no. It's extended.

So, no, it was just my sister-in-law and then my niece and my wife. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah, so I flew them out from Michigan. And then we went to Disneyland, and it was like, I was just like, sunglasses on, just watching my niece eat churros, just sobbing, just wiping tears. I was watching them like I was the only person in an art party that knew I had terminal cancer. I had a secret

And I'm taking it to the grave Get another chiro I can't take it with me Can't take any of this You got Mickey ears on You're crying your eyes out Dude for real Yeah

I had a big goofy movie tank top on And I was just weeping This is your wife's sister's daughter Right And that's where we moved to Detroit Was to be closer to them Okay And yeah

Now I just got this little insane Half Lebanese girl Who is like the apple of my eye She dude Someone in our party I'm not gonna say who I've been told not to say who. Sure.

But someone in our party, an adult went up to, we went to the Bippity Boppy Boutique and Disneyland. I'm well aware. I don't know it. You can get the princess experience. Okay. And they get turned into a princess and there's tears, though. For Young Brods. I've never been to Disneyland.

I've been to Disney World. That is the gentleman's choice. Yes. Yes. But we were like, she's not going to remember it anyway, so we're not going to go Disney World. Okay. But yeah, there was a little girl there who was getting dressed up as a princess. And one of the adults in our party went up and went,

oh my God, you're so beautiful. Mulan and then the little girl went, I'm Snow White and I went because she was just Asian Sure. Yeah. But there's like a holding pen where you can watch the princesses get their makeup done.

That's weird. I know. It's a little weird. It's just a room full of little girls being like, you know, be dazzled. And I'm standing there with all the grandmas and the moms and I'm just weeping. And after like five minutes,

are just like, like ugly crying. Like fucking Clint Eastwood. Everyone's slowly walking away from him. No, no. They were getting more inquisitive. And then the bravest one finally went, do you know one of the princesses? Please don't know you know one of the princesses.

They're all just so hot. What the fuck? You're not the ogre here to kidnap her? They're all my princesses. They'll all eat ham in the basement. I'll cover you in a sack, too. Yikes. He's cleaning his knife.

Yeah. All right, easy does. Quit screwing around. One question for, one. question back to the house. What would you say the classiest thing in the house? Could be the salarium or and the trashiest. Trashiest thing would have to be the, the ham, right? Or is there something where you're like, that's a problem? I got to get it. You can't say the ham. I can't say the ham. Next to the ham then. Is there something your wife wants out? Like, I can't believe

you brought this. Our dishwasher smells like a ferret cage. Really? Yeah. I don't know what's going on. Why don't you get a new one? We did. We got and this the second one and it still reeks. Oh, that's a bad pipe. But I can't smell it because of years of, you know, abuse. Sure. So I'm like, it smells good to me, you know. Do you have well water? What do you have? We have good water.

We're like very, we're very close to one of the lakes. Okay. Yeah, so we have like really solid water. All right. So it's not the water system in the house. No, no, no, no. It's probably like the, what, the fucking sanitary. Like all this shit, all the water.

That's like. Are you rinsing your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? Interesting question. I am now. Uh-huh. But I, but forever I wasn't. No kidding. I thought it was a complete fool's errand just a waste of my pressure.

time. You got to clean that trap out. Nothing's better than, yeah, you got to clean that trap out. Yeah. There's nothing's worse than opening a clean dishwasher and still being kind of dirty. I know. Like, it was all for not. But if...

I'm two hours behind where I could have been. I would rather put in a dirty dish and then there's a little bit of schmutz on it still. I'd rather take it out and then wipe it off as opposed to sitting there in the kitchen for two seconds. I know, yeah. I know, yeah. I'm big on this is a pretty dirtbag move. Let's say I kind of half know that the dishwasher's clean, but it's not full.

if I have a dirty dish, I'll put it just, I won't unload it. I'll put it in there with the clean dishes and run that back. Okay. I'll run it again. You'll do a whole full load except for one new addition? Yes. That's nuts. Yeah.

Out of laziness of not taking, I'm not going to empty the dishwasher. If there's still room in there, I'll just put what can go in there and run it again. I mean, I've done similar things. So I can't really, we're all in glass houses here. Some would say a salarium. You have a ferret in your dishwasher. You guys know Nick Roche. I know the name maybe

He was, he's one of Sam Hyde's buddies He was in Million Dollar Extreme Okay I met him at Skangfest Was delighted He runs this antique store Chamonee house out of Rhode Island Okay

So he's, I went to his house And he has this couch there Did I tell you guys about this couch already? No Dude, he got me a couch For a fucking steal He got you a couch He went to this big time

I sat in this couch And I was like this is nice And he's like I got a guy Like a new plate Like it was like a you went to like a whatever Timothy Olten Which is like a high High class

Get eyes on that. Leather goods. And I got this couch, white Bianco leather, and I got it for 60% off. White leather couch? I know. Is it new or is it antique? Too big to fail. Is it a new couch or an antique?

But there was like one gouge in the back of it. So he got it for like 60% off. I get it in the house. I'm like, honey, this is the most expensive thing I've ever purchased. It's a nine grand. What? The most money I've ever spent on anything. Yeah, that was after 60%.

After 60. Holy shit. I've never disclosed the number. It brings me deep shame. I know. Good for you. Guess where it is now? Trash.

In the basement near the ham. What? It's been relegated. Why? It's not comfy. Ah. Those rich people don't like being comfortable. Yeah, they want to sit like this.

Yeah, go over and look over their files. They have Luke posture. I know, yeah. Luke's probably sitting on one of those. Timothy Olivanchairs right now. He's probably sitting on one of those sex pairs right now. You need a nice Raymore and Flanagan sectional with the cup holders in it. That's what you need.

And the automatic. And the USB. rechargers, you can plug in and scroll while you're there. I will never have cup holders in a piece of furniture that I have. Why not? I think that that really filled me with a horror. That's the way to go. I understand, but I'm trying to create a vibe in the house.

And it's not cup holder. Ham and ferrette smell. What are we doing here? Look, man, I'm Blade. I can't get a picture in this house, dude. This salarium, the ham. You must come over. Hit me up.

I was just in Detroit. I know. I wasn't there. I know, I looked. I was going to pop in on your happy asses. Because he's a role. He's always everywhere, you know, and I'm like, oh, we could cross paths at some point. I was going to pop in.

I was not. We were in Pontiac, Michigan. Shut up to it. Yeah, where the Silver Dome used to be. That's right. Mm-hmm. Okay. So the cow, now to where did you get the new couch?

My wife went over to my friend David Bory, a very funny comedian, and he's a plus-sized gentleman, and she saw how well he was doing in his couch. She did Sounds like it's a rehab center My wife's always scanning Dude She had him lay down Sit down Eat on the couch

On his belly Not Yeah It's tummy time She's standing on the other side Of a two-way mirror Watching them My co-host or my pod

Show me be he with Nathan Lund And my buddy Pat Who makes Wide World Our travel show They're both big men And they came to our house Yes And my wife hit me up

And she's like Hey you guys having fun And I was like Yeah And she's like Hey just make sure You rotate him on the couches And I was like, what?

And she's like, yeah, I don't want Lund leaving a dent and Pat leaving a dent. So make them, like, move around. Yeah. Jesus. Like, that's how concerned she is with these couches. Yeah. I, we got back from the road, and I had all weekend by myself, kind of. And, man, I put it dent.

And the couch does not have the same spring it had on Friday as it did this morning when I woke up. Yeah, it sucks. Because you're sitting there and you're like, man, I love this where I live. I love that this is my couch. I go outside in the morning with my coffee and I look at the flowers and I say that's my fucking flower. I do the same thing. You know, but then you're in that couch and you're just like, oh no, the contours of my body have ruined this nice thing. Yes.

Yeah. Man, fat people are gross. Amen, sister. They should be in camps. I think Ben Stiller made a movie about that. Sure. Yeah. Heavy weights.

And then you just did it again and dodgeball. Same guy. Similar. Well, right, yeah, Globo Jim. Very similar. How deep does this thing go? White Goodman, yeah. Very.

White Goodman. Yeah. You ever see those Instagram reels where they connect different characters and different movies? Yeah. And they try to make it like all the same person. Like they say Dan Aykroyd in the Great Outdoors is the same character. He is in Tommy Boy. He just like assumed a different identity than went to Chicago and started up in automotive parts and then became this.

And there's a couple more things in there. Yeah, in between the two movies, he hit a kid with his car and had to dry out. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Did that really happen? No, no, no. We're riffing.

I feel like that did happen with, but no, no, no, totally not. I feel like Sam ran somebody over. Luke got it. All we found with little pieces of ham. And they were rotten. They smelled like propane. Can only be one person. We're looking for the Guantale bandit.

I love Guantchalai. You give me that neck meat. Who doesn't? I'm happy. My wife hates it. Really? Yeah, yeah. What does she like that you eat?

Uh, pussy. I eat that. She loves lentils. She's always trying to eat new garbonzo beans. Yeah. Lentals. She's going to live forever. There you go.

She's going to leave a real hot body after I'm dead. Some 19-year-old CNN. Oh, yeah. She got the couch. Will that couch go up in value? I doubt it. Not after what me and my crew were doing to it. We're pressure testing it down there.

Is that where you hang out is the basement? Is that your turf? I do my projects down there. There's a room in our house where me and my niece are allowed to just like paint on the walls and go crazy. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. I was like, Emmy, I need a room where I can fuck it up.

And then she was nice enough to give me the two sinks next to the dishwasher. And they're just wrecked with paint and like, yeah. She's been very big about 40 square feet of this house. She's been very generous with. How many fridges you got in this place? We only have one. One fridge. Brand new fridge.

It's awesome. It's crushed ice. Open up the open up this way? Yeah, this way. Nice. Okay. And then people. People just keep bringing me hash, so there's like a whole, like...

What? Well, it's Detroit, so people will bring me hash all the time. Why? Is hash big in Detroit? The Lebanese influence on Michigan has made the hash, like, the best in the world. Huh. Yeah, I know. I'm learning all this.

Gyros ain't bad. I didn't even know there's a Lebanese influence. Yeah, Dearborn, where my wife's from is, like, the number one... Lebanese. Just Muslim population in America. Really? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

It's got to be per capita. Probably per capita, yeah. I bet Queens. I'm not sure what that is, but yeah. I don't know. I think Luke's got to count on everyone. one of them. He knows where they are. Queens is big. I hear to call to prayer every

day. Do you? Yeah? God, that called a prayer, man. I was staying in Paris one time where they had a call to prayer and just wakes you up at the fucking sun. You're like, oh, I'm glad everyone's praying. I hear the church bells too. Yeah. Very diverse. My neighborhood in Queens. Yeah. It's a beautiful place. Get whatever you need. Hamtramick's similar

in Detroit, where it's like all of them. You got every one of them. Sure. Yeah. You can get a Yemeni coffee and you can get fucking parogis. Yeah. And boy, The toilet, you need two toilets for that one. One and a half bath ain't going to help you there. No, you need an old priest and a young priest. Talk about riding side saddle.

Yikes. You'd throw the saddle away. You need to put the toilet down. They sent it to the glue factory. All right. Okay. Let's get to some cues. Yeah, God forbid we just keep having fun.

I know, right? Guys, as you know, when you're doing the old Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. A couple of big boys on the air. this episode, myself included, from all the toast, ever wait at the buffet for something to be restocked? Oh, crab legs. Oh.

Just there fucking boxing out old Chinese women. Of course. I'm fucking Rodman in the paint, dude. Yeah. Oh. Yep. I remember at the cafeteria in college, that was a big waiting for them. They would drop pizza.

And I love bad pizza. Yeah. And man, it was such bad. I would just fucking circle. I'd be like looking at the fruit. Try to act cool like you're hanging out. It's going on. You guys going to the party later?

What's up, ladies? There is an etiquette where you're, like, circling, waiting for whatever, the crab legs in my instance to come. And you just, like, you keep looking at the jello squares. Like, well, this guy really wants to know how many fucking jello squares are in there. You feel like a fat idiot if you were just standing there. You're like, I'm doing something. You know if they're putting out the protein shake soon?

You guys know what's going on with them? You guys give out tea shots? That's why I'm here. Even fatter move, they bring you to your table. And then you kind of like, you think we could get this table? and it's the one closest to the crab legs. Oh. Yeah, so you position yourself in the vicinity of what you want.

Smart. I've done that. Location, location, location. Any good Realtor worth their salt, I'll tell you that. I lived in Vegas when that shooting happened. And it was all hands on deck. The city came together to donate blood. And at the casino by us, if you donated blood, you got a free buffet coupon.

So, boy, howdy, was I donating blood. You were down to 140 pounds. Oh, yeah, I was putting a mustache on, I had a monocle. Just sucking them dry. Yeah. The translucent man is back. Hey, that jellyfish guys here? It's a shame what they did.

Can see the crab legs in your stomach. Vegas strong. Holy shit. I don't know you lived in Vegas. I did. Look at this guy. That's how we knew the fucking Dan Cortez Casino. Yeah, yeah.

From Mr. Which you did. I never brought it up to you. I don't think I did. Did one of the tragediest things I ever saw. Me? At the black, no, he did. At the blackjack table.

I respect it and I've been there. Yeah. But it was just like, I mean, we were at the blackjack table. It was me, you, Foley. I forget who else. Maybe Tommy. Tommy Pope maybe. Yeah, Tommy Pope.

And so we're there. We're having a fucking day. It's, I mean, night at this point. You know, we're laughing. We're screaming. We're having a good time. Beers go, like, we're fucked up. Sig.

Cig. Crushing eaters. And I needed. I think Tommy was on something as well. Yeah. He was fucking Molly Cyrus. that evening. I don't think it was Tullymore 2.

No. He was the pink pony club. Is that what that is? Got up for the pink pony club. Who's that chapel roan? Yeah. See, I know what's going on. But I needed a SIG.

Were you smoking menthols at one point? American Spirit, Dark Green. Yeah, and I bummed one off a mat. This is at like 3 a.m. Yeah, you were cross-side. I'm a hundred Sigs deep already on the day. This is gang fest. We are fucked up.

And you're a bit of a handful at the tables, too. You have a way of talking to people That scares Sam Thank you I've heard You mouthed off to the dealer And fully grabbed my leg On the table

Wow, see? You've been fucking calling me a liar And an asshole I never called you a lie I called you a dirt bag All this time Finally I got somebody to back me up

This guy don't know He's got him in his house You made me flinch By the way you talk to these professionals Yeah So what was the gross thing I did No I You bummed me a sing

Yeah. And then I couldn't, I couldn't get it down. I mean, I'll do the American spear a menthol. That's like an IED. Yeah. In the wee hours of the night. Stepping on a fucking booby trap. That's a red dot on your forehead. Oh, man.

And I start going, like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like getting the hiccups. The cold sweats hit you? Dude, that queasy feeling in your stomach. It's like you got the bends. Yeah, it's like you just surfaced. I got to go sit in the chamber. Man. Holy shit.

Somebody hit you with a menthol. Yeah. A menthol in the wild is a tough one. Dude, and I'm like, it's, like, thick when you're blowing it. It feels like you can feel it leaving your teeth. Yeah. And I go, I remember putting it out, like, clothes in my eye. I mean, like, I can't.

I can't. But he goes, what do you do? And that's still good. He took it out of the ashtray and put it in his pack. Yeah. I'm going to act like this didn't happen. Man, that thing stinks. I get it.

You can't bury something that's from the dirt. I mean, do you remember back in the day being super porn, like hanging out in front of movie theaters and just taking snipes? Yeah. I had like a Ziploc bag full of snipes for like three years. Snipes? For three years? Yeah, and I would just have snipes.

And then if you didn't have any sigs, you just roll them in Bible paper and you had sigs. I was going to throw up. Well, hey, man. I was trying to live, you know? Either get busy living or get busy dying. Yeah, you don't need to sleep when you're dreaming all the time. I just remember being like that move at that time.

I was just like, that's crazy. If you smoked it right then and there. Yeah, you were like, I'll take it, but it went back in the pack. Yeah. Well, it was also, we were real thin on SIGs. I was out of SIG. He was probably, I was, if I'm smoking an American Spirit Menthol at 3 a.m. That's the only SIG available.

So you were probably down to like, I got three or four left. I'm going to need them. I'm a Dust Bowl farmer at that point. You're just torching my crops. But boy, do you want some wheat tomorrow. Yeah, it was. Rain won't grow out here. Do you remember when we were at that table?

and that fucking like psycho honey guy that beekeeper dude just took a chair from our friend and we were like hey man like he's sitting here and he's like looks like i'm sitting here no we just sat at the table with this guy that none of us wanted to be around because we wanted our buddy to be there he was a nice guy but it was like i just remember like he was a beekeeper i think he was i think he ran an apiary or something i don't even know i mean it totally could i could have been the dealer a one thing you were a little molly chanahan i could have been yelling at myself yeah you were in a mirror Hit! You ugly, bold piece of shit! Your mother never loved you, Kippie!

Yeah, man. But yes, I have staked out a buffet. For sure. Fair enough. This one's just funny. This is for Mac, $10 homie. Are you garbage if clean out the garage, you find your social security card?

That's, I mean. Do you know where yours is at the moment? No. Oh, I do. My dad hasn't. Just in case? Yeah. I have my passport.

I know my number. Okay. When do you need your social security card? Yeah, find out what the need for a social security card is anymore. Yeah, it's like getting a birth certificate. We were also at the, I'm of the age where it was like, you had it. You had it like, we took it to like when you applied for a job. It was like bring your social security card.

I never needed it once. As like a teenager, yeah, you would need it to prove who you were, I guess for tax purposes maybe. It's funny because I have to show mine at the buffet when I go. Yeah, I have to make sure you're not two people. You're not three guys in a trench coat Yeah Hey are you really ageful You're just three guys in a Hawaiian t-shirt

What I am is a paying customer Pay no never mind to that Yeah no I always thought you like had to have your social security card Like hidden my mom kept it Yeah Like Mine's hidden right now Safe of some kind

Mine is I don't know where it is exactly But every time I'm cleaning out Something that is like a safe Whether it's in like my sock drawer like a box in my sock drawer or something in a filing cabinet. It is in a safe place somewhere. I just don't know where it is.

The last time I had to use it was probably for my wife's green card. Like when we got married, I had to... As yours all fucked up. Yeah. Dude, I used to keep it in my wallet at that time. In college, I think I had it on me. At one point, mine was laminated, and then my mom tried to use it for something, and they said they couldn't accept a laminated card.

So now mine's, like, ripped and destroyed. I was going to say, can you unlaminate something? She did, I remember. Not well, really. She had to steam it. I remember her, like, standing, like, over... Like, remember when you would... Play football.

Did she from catch me if you can? That's crazy. Frank Abbottonnell. My mom's a. She had her fingers in a lot of pots. Pan Am sticker on it. Kemp, what do you know about Factor? Factor, factor.

Do you like delicious meals ready to eat? You just got to throw them in the microwave, heat them up a little bit. What am I a bozo? Of course I do. You want to look good this summer? Do you like protein packed? Do you like keto? Do you like more?

Do you like more? Do you like more calorie smart? Do yourself a favor? get over the factor, the absolute best. The only problem you're going to have. You're going to love them. You're going to want to eat two or three of them. Eating well has never been this easy.

Just heat up and joy giving you more time to do what you want. Get outside instead of sitting in there prepping over a hot stove all day. Fat ass. Factors of meal. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. Perfect for any active lifestyle with 45 weekly menu options. You can pick gourmet meals that fit your goals. Choose from calorie, smart, protein, plus, keto, and.

And more, as the big man said, it's well documented on his show. We're a pro-factor family dog. I was pro-factor. I was ordering factors way before they were even a sponsor. I'll back him up on that. I had that chicken shredded chicken taco ball. I throw him on a pad right up on a pan. He's about two treat them thing.

Delicious. You can get started at factormeals.com slash garbage 50 off and use the code garbage 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code garbage 50 off at factormeals. dot com slash garbage 50 off 4.50% off plus free shipping, do it. Do it. What's like about Mint Mobile.

Shout out to Mint Mobile. Gang, summer is right around the corner and the folks at Mint Mobile got a hot take for you. Getting that summer bod is out. Look, you're a fat pig. There's nothing you can do about it. But what you can do about is your summer savings. Get that summer savings bod in.

Uh-huh. This spring and summer we want skippy wireless bills and fat wallets. That's what I like to hear, huh? A couple other fat things. And with premium wireless plans at just 15 bucks a month, You can have both without breaking the sweat or breaking the bank. Yeah.

My wife, my family's been using Mint Mobile for a very long time. It was fantastic years ago, years, eons ago. I Googled it. I need an easy way to do this. Bada bing bada boom and popped up and we've been hooked ever since. Say by to overpriced wireless plans, jaw dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue. All plans come at high speed data and unlimited talking text, but you know that.

Delivered on a nation's largest 5G network. Ditch overpriced wireless and get three premium months of wireless service for Mittmobile for just $15 a month. Get your knife out. Let's carve this turkey. This year, skip breaking the sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at midmobile.com slash garbage. That's midmobile.com slash garbage. Disclaimer, up front payment of $45 for a three-month five-gigabyte plan is required,

which is the equivalent of $15 per month. New customer offer for the first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra Cement Mobile for details. Do it. Do it. I used to love boiling my mouth guard in the beginning of the year. He did the best. Yeah.

Yeah, it felt good. That was my mom with the social security thing. There you go. Did you ever, did, now the kids now have different mouth cards every game. Yes. Yeah. But I had that same one. I had that same one.

You would just chew on it. You chew on it. In the middle, it would be gone. Yeah. Like your teeth would be touching. What about the strap on the helmet? What about it? I would leave mine undone.

What? Purpously, yeah. You chucked that and Eric? No kidding. Yeah. I was bronzed in there. They didn't say anything to you? What are they going to say?

Put your chin strap on. Yes, sir. I can't get a demaric because I want to be all league again. Yeah. No kidding. I had my chin strap always buckled up. Oh, it was like the tough guy move, like no chin strap. No kidding.

Yeah, it is a tough guy move. Yeah. I don't know who it was for. I don't think any. CTE move too. For sure. Yeah. My brain's bad.

So you end up wandering around a buffet. Yeah. Waiting for the crab legs. I don't know. Sam's sundowning again. He thinks there's crap legs. Sam, that's a car dealership. I'm just nodding

We used to We didn't have to wear them And we played hockey And then one year they made you It was like I guess I don't know statewide or whatever It was like all kids have to wear it So everybody cut them just to show here

It just covered your front two teeth And wasn't in the back Oh okay So you were like faking it Now I always wanted to have mine in Because I didn't want to Because I got hit a couple of times And it you can bit down on your teeth

Yeah It hurt like a motherfucker Yeah God forbid your jaw moves Backwards on the hinge Yeah. That made me throw up. Yeah. I don't want to fuck my teeth up.

That in the cup I always wore. I never wore a cup once. Yeah. I got hitting the balls with a lacrosse ball. Lacrosse would make sense. Projectile sports makes sense. But yeah. And I remember, dude, like, just grabbing people's sacks.

No kidding. Oh, yeah. During the game or after. Getting in the armpid hair. Like, if you were on for like, like, P.A.T. And the kids are going up to block it, you grab their armpit hair and yank it out. They're never going up again. Jesus Christ.

Uh-huh. How kind of football are you playing? Although my uncle who played for Villanova in the 70s Told me that they used to take shave points The fix was in I was sick that day He's the kickery smoking He's his shoes on the wrong feet

I don't know if this was in high school It's all black and white But I remember I'm telling me a story That they used to take a bottle cap And they would pinch it You know like put it in Yeah And they put it in their sock

And when they got into a pile they would scratch each other's faces. What are they in the longest yard? What? That's fucking, yeah. They're all wearing breast knuckles. Oh, God. And scratch your cheek with it.

What? Yeah. Golly. There's all these, like, stories of, like, pile trauma. Like, grabbing ankles and spinning it. I was never in a pile long enough to pull out a fucking, to gig someone, you know, to get color in the pile. I never hearing that. I was like, bam.

Yeah. That's a bit much. What do you got on Social Security cards? It seems like you only need the card itself if you're correcting a social security number that's already on file, like if they messed it up in the system. Really? That they become that obsolete. Yeah, like they say new jobs, some benefits, but I have, I mean, I've never had to do it for a job. You don't have a social security number, right?

We didn't ask for your social security card when you started working here? That's crazy. Did we not? What? Dude, there's no pain. I mean, there's a handshake deal, ladies. Yeah, we're all a handshake deal out there. And then our business matters like, that is what?

fucking crazy. I was he got us this far. He's a girl like this. Yeah, like, I don't know, man. It's fucking working. Look around. He's a good kid. Come over here and start counting my pennies.

He doesn't like when I trash him. I'll get a text. I heard the Segoor episode. I'm like, sorry about that. All right, let's see. This is another, a little food heavy. This is from Savage Pimp 83. No clue if this has ever been said,

but spoon or fork for mac and cheese. Oh. Interesting question. Obviously, if it's a portion on a plate, you're going to just be eating with a fork usually, if you're out somewhere or whatever. But if I'm by myself, I might just go big tablespoon.

Are you eating mac and cheese by yourself? No, if I'm doing that, I mean, I have in the past a lot. Yeah. Well, here's my issue, is it what, who's making the mac and cheese? Because if it's like white person mac and cheese, it's kind of like soupy and runny, you want a spoon. Sure.

Because you want to scrape all the delicious velvita, goo off the bottom. But if you're eating like a classic black mac and cheese that's as thick as the pot is long, you need a fucking fork to chop off the corner. I'll give you that. It's got more of a fucking texture to it. Yes. I will say this.

In White Lotus, they're eating the Thai style with the spoon and the fork. And I've been emulating that and I love it. Wait, so you're just going one in one? You get a spoon, you get a fork if you need to chop or poke. Yeah. If you want to scoop. I've always been anti-knife. If I got to.

I have too. Unless it's steak? Yes, you can accomplish everything with a fork or a spoon. Wait, hold on. What are you talking about? I haven't seen this season of White Lotus. What do you mean? So they have a spoon and then they have a fork.

Yeah? And then when they're eating stuff, there's like a pull apart if you need to for like the chicken. They work together. Yeah, they work in concert. People do this? Mm-hmm. Yeah. They didn't use chopsticks?

So that's the thing is I thought they were chopstick people. Huh. I don't know if you're supposed to say chopstick people, but, you know. Depends what show you're on. Yeah. I understood what you. you man thank you but yeah so like when we eat a lot of Thai food and i was always that's for chopsticks and they're like we don't have those no kidding yeah yeah yeah yeah here so in Thailand

most common utensils for eating are fork and spoon while chopsticks are used for certain noodle dishes like not going to try it and by me fork and spoon are used primarily utensils for Thai meals the fork is used to push food onto the spoon which goes to the mouth now we're talking that's where it goes I've been shoving it up my ass because all right this is going to sound very fat no you're safe you're with me my predominant mode vehicle of sandwich eating is the spoon yeah me too i do enjoy the spoon i don't think it's the easiest for chinese food it's the less you can shake on it there's no there's holes in a fucking fork also the concave nature of the spoon makes it better for cutting than the fork is the spoon's actually a better cutter

it is yeah we're getting to the bottom of it i'm like start doing that but if you go out it's built like a shovel shovels are built i know somebody has that bit i think it's fucking uh mr pants probably i think it's Seinfeld he's like you work all day with a shovel till in the field and you go home and you try to eat with chopsticks it was he was easier back then yeah you're not wrong yeah yeah like uh you ever get like one of like a like a thin shitty fork yeah and they're like real thin it's you can't get a good but it plastic spork get it out of here i'm snapping off that time and I'm so busy.

Tine, that's what it's called. Yeah, when you get plastic fork and you snap it off, odds are I'm eating that fucking tine because I didn't notice it snapped. I'm with you? You know many times I've been in a food court and accidentally ate plastic?

Enough that it's a story. What do you mean? What's a time? The tine is the three prongs that go off the floor. The prong is a time. Man, you are a writer. It's pretty good.

I thought Tine was. That may be in your intellectual circles you roll in. Yeah, in Hamtown. Hamtown, U.S.A. Listen, I thought everybody I read your book. I actually listened to. That counts, braille counts, listening counts.

He was told to me secondhand. I would come in every morning. You had it read to you. Last night. Yeah, I'm big on the spoon. Well, that's good. And then I guess you could, now, let's say you're, you know, we're in New York right now. Let's say after this, we go out to a nice dinner.

Are you going to ask for a spoon if it's not? I'd love to. I know. Are you going to ask for a restaurant? I'm asking, well, why stop that? Why not just be comfortable and efficient? eat how you want to eat. Usually the spoon's in the roll-up.

True. I'm not in a lot of places where I have to ask for a spoon. Really? Yeah. The spoons in the roll-up. Where are you eating? That's prison shit. What do you mean?

A spoon in the roll. I don't know, man. You know the roll up, right? Like the napkin roll? Of course. Yeah, yeah. There's never a spoon in there. I usually think all three are in there.

No. Forking knife. Really? That's crazy talk. Oh, I'm out there. That's saying quit and shit. This is too far. That's syncing.

You got your spoon in your pocket? Yeah. It's a telescopic one. It goes long. No, I'm just rubbing it against the concrete to prep myself. You got a baby bird in the other pocket? Yeah. I was riffing on the Latin Kings pretty hard last night, boys.

I got it. I got it. What do you got? Spoon seems to be the rare edition out of the two. Yes. I feel like I've never had to ask for a spoon. And if there's not a spoon, I'm not being like, hey, I don't know how to eat now. I can figure it out.

Korean barbecue, I use predominantly a spoon. They have that long metal spoon, too. Yeah. Yeah. And if someone starts reaching, you can slap their hands with it. Those spoons had to be outlawed. Those spoons, because we go to Korean barbecue a lot with my friends in Denver, those spoons had to be outlawed in the same way that, like, pantsing people had to be outlawed in my early 20s.

In your early 20s, you were pantsing people? I remember being at, like, weddings. That should be equitutes. Yeah. Pants in the bride. When was the last time you pants someone or been pants? Oh, my 20 years coming up, and already my friends are like, so are we, is there a truce being called? The treaty's still intact.

We're almost all 40. Are we going to be... Well, the worst one was the pants and the push. You ever get pants and push? That was the big move. Yeah. You work... Dude, laying on the ground, hanging brain at a wedding is a tough look.

And it's even better because there's that moment where you go over where you're like, well, my pants are down. Oh! And then you look up and you see your underwear or with my dirtbag friends, just your fucking revealed balls. It's also like, man, my pants fell down. This could not get anywhere. And they get the wind knocked out of you. That's crazy. You Biff Tannen?

That's crazy, dude. I remember learning at an early age. I almost got got on the playground. I was wearing basketball shorts to school. Oh, no. And basketball shorts. You're begging for it. And they went, someone got me from behind.

And I was able to get my front. So just my ass got out of it. I was able to save the fucking tidley wing. Your Honor. Did you see how he was dressed? And dude, from that. on i'm doing like two belts fucking tight pair of corduroes you ain't

getting these things off. You would have been called Kevin Mangina for the rest of high school oh for sure the chode I wish the little guy little big man okay had a great line when we asked

if you got pants right what would happen are you a great somebody's not going to you a grover Joe or anyone if I got pants right now I'd have to switch schools yeah I'd feel you I'd move for sure yeah

It is funny that moment of you're like, well, this is surely the bottom of my day. This is the worst of my mom. There's no way this could get worse. And then you've ruined the one jacket you have in the mud at your fucking rodeo wedding you're at? I felt a wedding one time. I was so fucked up. And it was one of those ones. It's down in Fishtown in Philadelphia is at like an event space.

It used to be like a warehouse. So the floor was concrete. Like the whole floor was concrete. Like smooth, like redone. finish concrete roller rink concrete yes and I got I don't know

sounds like a classy affair I got four IPAs just hit I got like fucking 15 IPAs at me didn't know they were heavier than regular you know normal

yeah and man it was one of those it feels like that fucking that GoPro's on you and the floor came up to me oh yeah I did not move dude

and next thing you know just looking up and people's grandmoms are like what the hell's wrong with it yeah is he doing the worm my dad passed out of my sister's wedding. You got too high. And then there was like three minutes of our, of the wedding where we were like, I wonder if my dad's dead. You know, we're like dancing.

I think it'll be all right. Yeah. And he got too high. My dad got too high and then all that. So then he's fine, obviously. And then my sister's like, you ruined my wedding. To you? No, to my dad. We thought you were dead for a big part of the speeches, old man. It was during the speeches? No, no, it was towards the end of the evening. But, yeah, he did succumb to his own vice. And he was just on the ground. And my wife's a doctor and she was like went over there you know boogaloo. Pass it out from weed. Some good shit. My cousin was younger. He was probably like an early teen, you know, whatever. Maybe like 14

or something. He ate a cookie that had a peanut in there. Oh, no. At my brother's wedding, man. And they came, they rushed like full blown fucking cops, you know, ambulance. Is your brother's wedding? And no one gave a fuck. Dude, he was like out. He wasn't in the room anymore.

He was like out in the hallway. And dude, no. You all right? It's just like back to fucking bumping and grind it. Yeah, you just grab him by his fucking Air Forces, drag him into the hall. You put him underneath that flag at half-mast and the VFW where all of the weddings in your family take place.

This is a glazy affair. I can't believe you remember the concrete in the wedding hall. Ah, yeah. Laying under a don't tread on me flag. Yeah. Everybody salutes him, goes back to the dancemer. One guy freaks out because he's always. underneath an American flag

and he remembers all of his buddies's funerals starts losing it yeah fold up an eagle's flag give it to your mom he was a good kid they're doing that thing

when they're walking into each other yeah go birth 21 bump salute pushed it too far it was good thank you

just timing time it that was my favorite part of the show is where you go Nothing on that? Nothing on that. It's like there was maybe a third of a second for the joke to hit, and you're already reeling. Panic sexing and quick. Oh, I understand.

Time moves slow behind the microphone. It's all bullet time for you. You're max pain. It's like interstellar. Now, I know me and Foley don't have this, but out there in the Great Plains with you, maybe. This is from this Foley's discarded boxes. $10, homie, never have one read. Have you or anyone you?

your family lived in an extended period of time in an RV. Bonus points if that was in a driveway of a home. So we had an old broken down RV like on our property and we'd play in there. That's fun. Right. But like remember the seats like underneath the seat covers in those old RVs, whatever they stuffed those seats with was toxic to skin. Sure.

So you'd be in there being like, I'm driving the school bus. And then you go inside and it looks like you were exposed to Agent Orange. Yes. It looks like got stung by bees. Yeah. Yeah. I remember coming inside and like having to. like my mom being like, God damn it, and just like going into the shower and then standing there and like a bunch of just orange dust was all over.

Yeah. We've come across a pretty good amount of the bozos and the homies at the shows and we love that they share it where that is the case. More than a few of we live a young couple, we live in an RV on my mom in my mom's driveway. It's usually bouncing back. They're getting their shit together or divorce. You know, someone moves out to like, dad's like, fuck you. I'm just going to live. I already got the house and the RV.

I'll just live in the RV. Yeah, that's not great. Anytime, and I didn't have a lot of time in an RV. I had my stepdad's dad had one that we would use and stay in. And I loved it. It was like, fuck it. It was like the coolest thing that we ever fucking had. My mom hated it, but I liked it.

What would you play in there? What would you play in the RV? Because I remember when I was a kid at my dad's softball games, all the kids would sometimes go to one of the parents' cars, and we would play family. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm the dad driving. There's a cops.

What are you playing in a broken down RV? You're playing like zombie apocalypse or end of the world? I think house. House? That's kind of a house. Yeah, it makes sense. Because there's like cabinets and a little fridge and a sink, you know? Yeah, you're doing dishes.

Yeah, you got a smelly dishwasher. Yeah. Playing a poor family. Uh-huh, yeah. We were just playing the same thing as my other house. But I'm in charge. Fruit roll-ups are any time. You know, it's weird like how.

You're coming in. I got laid off again. today. Yeah. What? Honey, we're ruined. It's my sister. She starts fake crying.

The 180 on like living in a van or an RV when we were young, it's like, oh man, you know, it'll turn around. But now it's like all these kids live in because, first of all, it's the only financial, legitimate choice they can make. Sure. But then also it's like, yeah, we're freewheeling. All we need is each other and the National Park Pass. Yeah.

So I don't know. I know a lot of like people who currently live in vehicles, but it's as some kind of like, You know, on the road. They do hook them up, too. They look really nice. For sure, yeah. I do get it as in the sense of, like, if you're, like, told, you got to go to college, you got to do this.

You got to get in the system. And you're like, nah, I can fucking save out money, live off the grid a decent amount. And, like, also then do, like, the gig economy. You'd be like, oh, I'll do this to earn cash and then fucking hang out the rest of the day. You don't got to go to college. Trust me. Yeah, whatever you do. Take it from me, a guy who took fucking 18 years to graduate.

I'll look at a published author. Yeah, I just, yeah. Well, thank you. Kid can't even read. Yeah. It was all ghostwritten. It was Norm's last project. It's all chat GPT.

Early edition. The beta version of that? All right. We have a time for a couple more. This was from Foley is Foxy. Hello. Aye, aye. Must be a blind, bro.

Is it garbage, you get hypnotized on a cruise ship? My aunt volunteered and was convinced she was a duck. She ran around on stage flapping and imagined her wings, He's quacking like a maniac. She claimed she had no recollection when the hypnotist clapped his hands and brought her back to life. What do you think about that?

Sam Tal, do you believe in that? I mean, obviously, is that woman going along for the ride or is she actually hypnotized? Yeah, I think it's the ramification of mass peer pressure. Right.

Because, like, I used to open for, like, hypnotists occasionally. Like, when I was doing the, like, the mountain time zone, there was a lot of hypnotist shows, and I would open, and you'd sit there the whole time just trying to figure it out. Like, what is it real? Yeah, and, like, the whole thing is, the guy would walk around the room and he'd just be like watching people watch me and he'd see people who he thought would be susceptible to his witchcraft.

They're taking out a mark. Yeah, yeah. So then they round him up. And then the thing is you'd get like 15 people up there and there's a whittling down. So there's like four different games he would play before he had the final three. And then be like, I know. Yeah. Then those three will do whatever the fuck he wants.

Right. Yeah. But they'll do it because they're hypnotizers or because they're susceptible to it. They think they're playing along. They think they're in a trans. It's like part of the show. and also this is their big moment and they're on stage and they're being peer pressured in front of a bunch of people

typically in a small town who they know. So it's like all these different Venn diagrams swirling to create the perfect mark. And then you find that perfect mark and then they'll quack like the duck or whatever. I've always wanted to be hypnotized. What do you got? Yeah, it seems to just be, it's a change in brain activity

where you reduce the activity in the areas of like self-reflection and task switching. So it's just a deeply relaxed state where the person is highly receptive to suggestion. But that's like therapeutic hypnotism. That's like quitting smoking hypnotism. This is like, you know, there's a fucking brisket buffet by the stage hypnotism. Where's that at?

Yeah, I'm telling me. Carney, Nebraska. So it does work. So it is real. I don't know. I think what he's describing is a completely different phenomenon. Yeah, quit smoking. Get like our hypnotist acts, like, you know, a live show hypnotist.

Do live show hypnotist or a live show hypnotist. Couldn't I be hypnotized not to eat? eat? No, probably not. We would need to like... Had to bring in Penn and Teller to get. Yeah, we'd have to get Cthulhu involved. Jedi Knight. Because they used to... They used to do it at my junior high.

What? It was that one of the... The gym teachers? Hell, you know, I'm wrong. It was one of the assemblies each year was like, this hypnotist would come in and we'd get like 10 people up there. And, you know, the stories you would hear, because my brother had gone through the schooling, like, dude, it's fucking crazy. And I think the guy started getting a little naughty And had like the girls dancing and stuff

And they they fucking axed it before I got there Yeah Devastated Dude, dude imagine being a seventh grader is getting to see all the girls you're in love with Twerking? Twerking or whatever? On stage Taking their tops.

It's wrong. What do you got? Sam is right So that was like more therapeutic Yeah The stage acts are more peer pressure Social compliance and like suggestibility and like desire for attention.

Yeah, yeah. It's attention seeking. We've watched it a bunch. Yeah, true. As I'm back there like, huh, so I got a hundred bucks for this. You're back there clucking like a chicken. Oh, yeah. This is all bullshit.

I'm back there battering myself. That shit's like, if you see that live, it's one of the best shows. It's like when you see like a magician comedian, I love that shit. If they're right, I watch one guy, he's, he's Staten Island guy. I forget his name, like Gemini or something like that. And he came down to this show we were doing... Is he black? In PA?

No. Old white Italian guy. And he comes, dude, in the first half hour, he's like, just tell him I got here from Italy. I'm like, all right. You got it. So he's up there. The magic starts here, huh? He's doing...

This guy came in in character. I'm in on the act. Where's the box? So he comes up, and he's doing very broken English, like a word here and there, and then halfway through, he just breaks his Staten Island accent. He's like, I'm fucking getting him with you. Classic. Like, erupts. all raps in laughter.

That's the classic like Asian comic move where they go up, you know, and they're like, well, you know what they say. I know where you're going. Real chopsticks stuff. Yeah. And then like 12 minutes in there like, I'm just fucking with y'all.

And everyone's like, no way! And then they close. That's it for me. Yeah, and everyone's like, yeah. God, all right, we got to wrap it up though. What? I know. Time flew by.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sam Talent, he's going to be in the UK in May. You're going to be where? Glasgow? Yep. London. Manchester. Look at that. Then you're going over to Australia. Where are you going to be in Australian, June? July. Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Perth, Auckland. We're adding Wellington.

Auckland's like almost sold out. My favorite. My favorite beef. There you do, man. Yeah. Do yourself a favor. If you're over there in a UK, if you're in Australia, go see Mr. Sam Talent. Yeah. The book, Running the Light is out right now in Random House. Random House put it out. It's available wherever. Buy it from your local bookstore. That helps them. It helps me. Chubby Bohemoth. Yep. That's our podcast. Wide World on YouTube, the Travel Show, Iowa City, in Omaha next weekend. A lot of fun, exciting stuff coming up too. I just like making stuff with my buddies.

You guys get it. It's the best. We're the luckiest guys alone. Yeah, we're blessed, baby. Buddy, we love you. I love you guys very much. And we hope to see you soon. Luke, I'm still on the fence.

Kippee, what do you got for him? Guys, we're over the road. New dates announcing very soon. Big ones. Yes. And then guys, grab the card game at ruggarbiz.com. We love you. See you next week.

Peace.