Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - How to Lose a Fight w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with a hot one! It's a family episode baby, we answer your garbage questions.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

NYC. The Big Apple. New York City, ever heard of it? Gang, the boys are going to be here. Gotham Comedy Club, November 9th on the Isle of Manhattan. We're coming back. We're storming the beaches. Get some tickets and come see us. It's the New York Comedy Festival, our first time in it. You don't want to miss it. The show's going to sell out. Also, the boys are going to be in Hartford, Connecticut on December 14th and we're going to go to Albany, New York on December 15th and then where are we going after that big man? We're going to be in Syracuse December 16th. Get those tickets. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.

Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. We got two of them right here in the studio. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here in Antutti's basement. Yeah. She's feeling fine. She's feeling good. Sure. I saw her reading a book upstairs. Really? It was a hustler. She's reading. My co-host is coming at you from across the table at me. That was a good one. I had a couple of zingers in before payday. You know what I mean? He's the CEO of Are You Garbage, international businessman known in many

circles. Yeah. Are you going to G2? What's the deal? Or G12? Are you going to that? I'm more of a G18 kind of guy. It's time to stand by the list. A couple of G strings if I could, if I may. Think those guys party over there? I would be. I party here and I'm not there. That's probably a big old fuckfest over there. It's like the Olympics. Those dudes get after it. Gary, give it up for Kevin, James, Ryan, God damn. We got K.J. in the middle. Let's go. Let's go. Hey, gang. Happy to be here. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on Youstube. And as you know, those numbers are true to real. True to the fucking roof. Shout out to Youstube. Youstube's pretty good. We got to

shout out to Big Kev for that. Yeah. Yeah. Big Kev, shout out for Youstube. Are you watching that over there on Youstube? Over there on Street Raid, dude. And then let me find my notes. We had a production. That's patreon.com. Don't be stupid. What are you doing? What if the yams are watching? I'm cooking over there on that Patreon. Yeah, it's cooking. Go check it out. We're almost, I don't like to do my own horn. I want to get us over there. We're almost at $20,000 over there on that Patreon. That's pretty fucking bonkers in my phone. 7 million hours of bonus content. You get a lot of shit. I'll come clean your car if you need me to. We got videos. We got bonus episode. We got hard feelings. Yeah. Love it. We got a lot of shit on there. Check it out. Cheesesteak

egg rolls. Pound for pound might be the best one, best patreon out there. Comedy podcast. I'm going toe to toe and throwing it down except him dilling Andrew Schultz and a couple others. Nine other millionaires. But we're having fun over there. So check it out. Yeah. We love it. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. The magic man makes us all look good. We're all going to be going to the men's singer show soon. I think this is already out, but maybe sure. It already happened. Way to launch it. I did not take mushrooms. Give it up for T-Bone, McMuffin, Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes? What up T-Bone? Dude. So I was editing the last family episode and in Foley's intro, he alludes to fucking Aunt Tootie. Really? You said you had a spicy

relationship, which means now in our world, in the cannon of RU garbage, Foley banged Aunt Tootie unless we reboot this thing and do a lot of retcon and change the backstory. Hey, Wikipedia. Take it easy, Leah. What's Wikipedia? Star Wars reference. That's where they have all the information about the cannon of Star Wars. Toby got it. He knows exactly what I'm talking about. Probably his homepage. And yeah, it's not all fleshed out. You know what I mean? We're still in season one here. Also two, who knows she's even a real aunt. She could just be a family friend. She's not our aunt. We live with Aunt Tootie, but she's not our aunt. I've established that. Really? It sucks for her, yes. I've seen a couple of videos over on the hub where

aunts and nephews get going. The one time they were stuck in a hotel room and with only one bed. Do you really like that? No, I don't. No, that was like the biggest video. Typically, this is not an A, what is a family program? But that was like the biggest video on Pornhub in like a year. All right. It was like, it did like 375 million views. What are you typing in? I don't type in anything. I stay around that suggested for you. Really? You let the algorithm do the work. Hey, they got my number. I'll tell you that. Porn, Mr. Hubs got me dead to rights. He knows what he's doing. Talk about an SCU. Gang, this is a family episode. I don't think it is what we're talking about over here.

Gang, it's a family episode. We're going to be reading off your questions. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon there, we'll answer, we'll ask your questions on the air. Now, we got a bit of a backlog, as KJ says, but we promise we're going to get to them all. Yeah, of course. And also, like we said, if you're on Patreon, you get first crack at a garbage question. It's just the best way to do it. Everybody, I mean, we get the DMs, we get the emails, people fucking knock on my door. Hey, did you ever think, I thought about it, and we're going to get through the Patreon. Unless we get a hot one on a DM. Yeah, sure. Then I pass that off as mine. No big deal. You've done that a couple times.

No, I always give credit where credit is due. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, we're working on that, something like that. Yeah, I already got one on my list. Well, that's my go-to answer anyway for legal, if anybody brings up anything to me. Yeah, it's like SNL. You gotta sign away all right. Somebody can somebody can ask me about like, oh, yeah, they're putting up a CVS or I had an idea. I was in the movie doing that. Sure, sure, sure. But no, of course, we always make sure everybody knows who. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. We're having fun over here, big man. We're having a good time. Yeah.

T-bones fiddling with the cam. T-bone, you all right over there? You're freaking me out. Take the lens cap off. What's happening? Buttons, get on it. Did you ever have a what? Like an older family member that like would like tell you to sit down because you're making them nervous when they when you stand around them? No, I don't think so. I had a couple of uncles that if they were sitting down, you couldn't like stand over them. Oh, like, yeah. Sit down. You're making me nervous. You sit down. You're making me nervous. I would get that. Yeah, but you're breathing heavy. I know. They think they think you're going to snatch the fucking

turkey leg out of their hands. Drop his lettuce on them. You're like a seagull. They think you're going to swoop in and grab something. Take out an eye. Floating over the breakfast table. You just spit and it's in your beard. Okay. I've been doing that a lot. Now it's on your hand. I saw you wipe your nose on your hand and on your shirt. I've been doing that a lot. Man, this guy is boogers. Really, man. For me being such a germaphobe, the fact it's like God's sick thing. The fact that I'm such a germaphobe and now I'm connected to life with a germ, it's a tough look.

I'm starting to get to the point where this is like this is like immersion therapy. You know what I mean? Like if you're afraid of heights, they throw you out of a plane. They do that. I'm afraid of germs off. So I have to have a podcast with you. I'm getting to the well now we're turning the corner. We got the meal plan coming. All right. All that stuff. This is a big corner you've been trying to tear for two years. I'm gearing up. I'm priming the bums. I need cake. Guys, Fat Court's on Patreon. It's a fucking doozy. Okay. Anyway, I noticed yesterday we were having a nice meal with a good friend of ours. No,

I'm just going to say I'm aware that I might be repulsing people with my eating the way I eat. Well, thanks for tuning in. Yeah. Yeah, I do the napkin. I have to be very careful. I like, you know, sometimes I'll hold the napkin with a bite. It's very geriatric the way I eat. It is, but there's also a speed to it that like, Wait, it's quick or it's slow? It's quick. You, I think, this is more Patreon. I'll give him a little sneak peek. I think you, you're aware of how fast you're eating. So you slow it down in mixed company. Yes. Because I've done this, I'm aware, because I'm just a by nature. But I assume there's food on my face.

It typically is. And I feel like I'm grossing out to the other people. That's why I wouldn't say grossing out, but I would say you don't make a lot of eye contact. I treat it like a bank job, no fucking witnesses head down, no eye contact, drop the gun, walk out quick, but not fast. Yeah. I was the mutual friend that we had, we had a meal with yesterday had dinner with he had at one point had suggested because there was sun dried tomatoes in my dish. Sure. And he said, Oh, you like, you like sun dried tomatoes? I said, Yeah, there's just a lot of them. So I'm pushing them inside a little bit. And I got the feeling that he, I said, if you want one, please help yourself. I don't think that was ever on the table in my head.

I'm like, man, does he not know what a, what a slime ball I am? He's going to share food with me because you wouldn't. What? No, there's no way you would take it. Like if I took a bite of a hamburger, you wouldn't take a bite, a bite of it. No, because that's bad. Right. The two ways. Okay. I want a little look in the kippies head here. I want a psycho. It's just real Patreon content. As you hold the burger, you bite into it. That half that you bit into is now a no fly zone in my book. Okay. Say an article. Yeah. That's like the fucking 87 parallel. Can't cross it. Was that the right number? Something like that. The figure you would know that Johnny army. 82nd. Maybe. No, it's 87th or 89th. Whatever.

Um, buttons. Get a Google on that way. I don't even know what you're talking about. Talking about typing 87th parallel. I think it's that. Yeah. It's the Korean Peninsula. I believe you're right. Vietnam. No, Korea. It's Korea. Wow. We look like a couple of fucking commies over here. Hey, big red. Relax. Yeah. Circle of latitude in the northern hemisphere in the Arctic Ocean. Is what 87th? Oh, so I pulled it right. No, you didn't. I said 87th parallel. Is that the one that divides North Korea and South Korea though? Oh, we couldn't just let Kippy win it and move on. Never. I thought I got clean. I know it exists. I tried to deflect from my slob eating. So that's North Korea, right? That's done. I can't go. I would

assume where the hands may contact. The hands are dirtier than the mouth, I presume. From what I've seen on a day to day basis over the past decade, it's the hands aren't good. Like a Komodo dragon. Yeah, if I get that on me and then it's like stuck to your fucking, you know, it's like shoots the gag at you. But I don't, I wouldn't, that's with most people. So you, you're, you know, the lady, the lady you'll share, right? Of course. What about you, Toby? Would you eat off my plate? I have. Yes, he has. What have you eaten off my plate? Looks like a fucking wet rat right now. I believe I've used my fork in your plate as well. Yeah, yeah, we're sharing. Good luck with the herpes. Yeah, don't remind me. Oh, no, at that juncture, I stayed

far the fuck away. Oh yeah, when I had a screamer down in Houston. There's grass on the field. Yeah, that was, I caught a burner going. We talked about it and you used my napkin and then I used it and I've been thinking about it every day since. And I'm a scrunchie. I like a lot of napkins. Oh man. Oh, that's good. That's good stuff. That's good stuff right there. But the one thing that you mentioned that it was, it was real trashy, like, you know, one of those like blue collar colloquial isms that I'm always, you know, you say I'm always good for always gotten the hopper to Catholic school colloquial ism. No, like saying, you know what I mean? Like, you know, you can't catch the train if you ride the bus or whatever was my grandfather or anybody,

the older people would say what? Okay. So I got old people and eating bugs. Dude, I can't even be in the same. Yeah, that's a tough one. One time we went to visit my grandmother when I was a kid real quick at a nursing home and we were in the cafeteria and this old guy that she was friends with was eating scrambled eggs. Nope. And something happened. That's going to ruin my day just hearing that something happened and he started shooting scrambled eggs out of his nose. I've been there. I was they go up quick. I was there's like no gravity with those things. They operate on their own. I was over easy for the next 10 years. Burn them. Yeah. Oh my God. I've ever just been like, I look at vanilla pudding in my hand to ruin my teeth pop out a little bit.

Yeah. God bless the old people, but you know, it can be a tough one. All right. So go ahead. Your grandfather, if there was a game on and you were a kid, right, like say fucking Thanksgiving and there's like the football game or whatever and there's like bunch of kids running around or you're standing in your wall, whatever you get hit with, you'll make a way better door than you do window. Yeah, you make a way better door. Hey, who's winning the game? I could tell you if I could say it with these kids running around. Hey, pop, pop upgrade the material. Come over here and slap you through you and I'll pop my pop pop. Shout out to pop big pop. Is he pop the big, the Patriot pop and then the. Yes. My dad's pop

too. His, his dad was pop. Now he's pop. Oh, you don't say. Yeah. And my mom's grandma or gamma and they were babies. All right. Stop it. Knock it off between that and the scrambled eggs. I'm not going to sleep. I need a chlorine shower. Man. With that being said, let's get into some question. That's what I was going to say. No, that's what I was going to say. This is a silly one. They're having a good time. Having a good old time. Let's see. This one's from Jennifer. This was a big one when I was a kid. Oh, no, sorry. This is a different one. This is from Jennifer. Have you ever fallen out of a car as a kid because there was no seat belt? That was a thing that happened with older cars. The doors would just open. Remember that? That's when they put in that

child safety shit. Yeah. You would make a left turn and the kids would be that bench seat and it would just fucking right out into the fucking intersection. Like the mailman. I've almost fallen out. Yeah. And I've gotten screamed at for it too. But I was messing with the door. That those, that's when they came out. I remember they came out with the child locks. I remember looking at my mom like, yo, if you engage these things, I'm gonna be real fucking pissed. We trust each other here. What am I in a fucking squad car? I know what the fuck lady. Yeah. So you got me on a B&E. You're bringing me down. I don't like that. At least crack a window. You know what else I don't like? What? I hate the child window in the back. Yeah. I gotta get my elbow out. Sure. They should

be able to engage that disengage. What? All the way down. Yeah. That's tough. Fuck out of here with that. Yeah. Yeah. Man. Brutal when you're back there. You feel like an idiot. I don't like how my windows have... I think you feel like an idiot most times, but that's just me. I don't like when my windows half down. I feel like if I get into an accident, that's gonna hurt you even more. It's gonna slice your face off. I like it all the way up or all the way down. No in between. I mean, you're cuckoo bananas. Doesn't that make sense though? What is the difference between all the way up and halfway down? Well, you're sucking a face full of glass. Yeah. It's breaking. It's not gonna fucking... It's not gonna come out at one piece and fucking denogenize you.

Like a fifth dimension or whatever it's gonna... Denogenize you. Put him in the denogenizer, sir. Oh, it's from Seinfeld. Oh, is it? Yeah. He was coming over, coming up with names for the Lopper. Oh, the Lopper. Yeah. He'll get you. He's a son of dad. That was mine. The denogenizer. Yeah. I just feel like it could hit you. Sure, I guess. Cut my jugular. Yeah. It's over. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but pulling into Wildwood, New Jersey, where I frequented it as a child, there was a wooden bridge. Trying to throw you over it? There was a wooden bridge. Uh-huh. And it was like... There was pieces... Well, I would love to see it now as an adult to see

how structurally sound it was, but as a fucking six-year-old kid. And then my dad would tease me because he's a real nice guy, you know? It's gonna just kill all the anxiety before it's week off. It would be fucking nighttime. We'd be pulling in on a Friday and we'd be like, dad, let us know when we're getting to the bridge. We'd be like, panicked if this thing's going to collapse. He'd be like, roll the windows down in case it collapses. We can swim out. That's what he would tell us. Yeah. Well, dude, to like a fucking six-year-old, a seven-year-old... But that's true. You have to do that. I know, but it was an actual... Because you might not be able to get the window down with the pressure.

That's... Dude, I learned that at five years old. Oh, my God. On my way to the fucking Ferris wheel, I was fucking schmitzen. I wonder if I was a fat little kid. I was eating my feelings. Two more slices of Sam's, please. This might be my last meal. I think I've told you, my dad taught me something like that when I was really young. Too young. When he would turn all the lights off in the house and turn the lights on outside, we would just sit and look out the window. And he said, when the lights are out, when it would... They can see it. Yeah, when you can't see it. When the lights are out there, they can't see you. It's kind of like some nom shit. Some nom shit? That's got 87 parallel written all over it.

He hadn't set up claymores in the trees in our front yard. A couple of tripwires out front. I was right around the same time we switched them over to decaf. Dad's digging bungee stick bits. No more Diet Coke in the 18 for you. Trying to get my TV dinner on. But how scary would it be? What? Because that water thing is the kind of thing where you have to wait till it fills up. It has to fill up completely before you can swim out. Yeah. Plus you're for sure going to drown because you're going to open the door and be like, ah, Jesus, and then suck in a bunch of water. Yeah. Also, unless you're in a convertible,

you're fucked. I mean, let's call the spade a spade here. I never like to... I never like a coop getting in the backseat, pulling the seat back and getting back there. That was a death trap. Oh, that was my worst fear, having to kick out that back window to get out. That's great. I mean, yeah. I mean, your anxiety runs at another level. It's cooking. Talk about true to roof. It ain't no Patreon. I'll tell you that much. This isn't the same realm. This is from Michelle. This is my first question. Did you ever have to duck down on a pickup truck because you didn't have enough seatbelts for everyone? That was a big... Or even any car. Yeah. Back in the day, you would lap it. If you were coming home from soccer

practice, say my dad was taking home the friends, kids, hey, well, we'll all go here or whatever. We'll take them back to my house. There might be seven, eight, nine kids in a fucking Jeep. Sure. Lapped up and then there would be like, oh, there's a cop. You fucking hit the deck. Yeah. Make sure no, you don't get fucking wrapped up. We used to lay down in the back of a truck, back of a pickup. We did that. Yeah. When it became frowned upon to do that. Yeah. Some areas you can't. Hawaii, they're big on that. They're always in the back of the truck. I told you I did it in the Dominican Republic. Probably nice. Cruisin' around, a real nice

tropical air. And an aircraft gun hangin' around. Fifty cow. A man in the big guy. Taking out migs left and right. But I think I might have said this. As a kid, I had... My dad, we had... Well, like my dad had a work truck and it was on the weekend, we were doing something and me and my two buddies, I was like, yeah, we'll fucking ride in the back of it. Like he was like running errands and we were just fucking cruisin' around in the back of it. And then a kid went home and told his mom, hey, I was ridein' in the back of a pickup truck and he was never allowed back over my house. Really? Yeah. Which I get. Do you think the mom called your parents?

I think that happened, yeah. That was always the worst. Yeah. Also, yeah, his mom was a little bit of a stickler for the rules. Yeah. My dad tended to look the other way on a lot of things. Broad was uptight, huh? Yeah. I don't want to say, he might be a listener. He still likes some posts from time to time. But I get it. I mean, now if I was a kid, I wouldn't want my kid in the back of a pickup truck. Wouldn't do any of that shit. What do you mean? They were smokin'. We turned out pretty well, though. What? Well, one of us did. Fallin' apart over here. Yeah, yeah. That, the charred meat, the fuckin' whole nine yards.

Yeah. I like it crispy. And chocolate hot dog, good night. Kip, let's talk about the daily tip, my friend. Presented by BetMGM. That's right. Talking about the big dogs there. If you're new to betting, if you're a seasoned veteran, however you like to do your betting, when you're betting on sports, it's best to be in the know. And if you listen to the daily tip, you will be. Yeah. They got the best betting analysis and information. And it's a pretty good show, too. Right? They got a good planter, good riffing. The hosts are great. The hosts Michael Jenkins and Chelsea Messenger break down the big takeaways

and make sure you know everything you need to bet smarter with featured guests like bookmakers, audacity insiders, and BetMGM experts. You've always got a fresh take on the action. As you know, if you're a betting, I used to, I started betting in college, high schools, you know, but you know. This kid's got the fever. Things are always changing and you just need info, right? You need up-to-date info, what's happening, you need to take. Order back this, kicker that, trade here, trade there. You just need info. Information is power when it comes to this kind of stuff. That's right. So as much as fun as it is to bet on the game,

it's even more fun when you've got the inside scoop. There you go. Ready to bet with an edge? Tune in to the Daily Tip presented by BetMGM. Listen weekday 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. Eastern on Audacity Spotify or your favorite podcast app. One more time, guys. The Daily Tip presented by BetMGM. Listen weekdays 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. Eastern on Audacity Spotify and your favorite podcast app. Do it. Yeah. Kippy, how about that all form? All form? Got a brand new couch sit in the studio. It's unbelievable. Folks over there, the Helix got into the couch game. Yeah. I love their mattresses. Now they're doing the couches. T-bones take a little snooze on it

right now. I'm looking at them. It's fantastic. Drifting off into Dreamland. That's right. They were cool enough to send us one. We needed a new couch for Tooties anyway. Yes, we did. Perfect. Was it hard to set up? I did it all by myself, and I'm not even messing around. Less than an hour, 25 minutes or something. Crazy. It all pieces together. It's like a model. It's like boom, boom, boom, boom. You screw it in real quick. I like it. It's not a two-man job. One guy can do it. I did it, and I'm a bozo, as you know. I will back him up on that. He is a bozo. What makes it really cool is for starters, it's the easiest way you can customize a sofa using

premium materials at a fraction of the cost of traditional storage. You go on. You pick the color you want, the shape you want, the size you want, the legs you want, the whole nine yards. They do it. All sofas are delivered directly to your home with a fast free shipping. Right now, if you buy a sofa from a traditional retailer, it'll take months to arrive. That's jammed my sister up. She went to get a new couch. They were toning like 18 months. Yeah, that's ridiculous. My mom got caught up in the same thing. That thing was here for like two hours. I know. It was like I hit enter, and then the guy was knocking on the door. It really was. It really did come quick. Yeah, so if getting a sofa,

trying it in store sounds a little too risky. You don't need to worry. You get 100 days to decide if you want to keep it or not. These companies are top-notch, and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund. Nice. Let's see. To find the perfect sofa for you, check out allform.com slash garbage, and allformers... This is the thing, baby. Allformers offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com slash garbage. One more time, 20% off your order for our listeners at allform.com slash garbage. Do it. Yeah. This is a very fucking car episode. This one's from Chris Scott.

Ever use a leaf blower to clean out your car? Fucking A. Really? Oh, it's the best. What? They do it at the car wash. Oh, they blow out? Dude, it's awesome. And my brother has a pretty sick blower. He's got like a still. I bet he does. Like a still. You know the stills? STI? Steel. Yeah, he's got one of those. Thing hums. You couldn't put that together that it's steel? This is a great company. It's real strong. Call it still.

Anyway, yeah, when that thing's in the garage and I go home, blast it all out. Really? I never thought of that. It's great. You just got to open the doors on the other side and blow it out. Take the rugs out, do the rugs. Fucking noise. You know what I associate steel with? One of the greatest programs of all times, the great outdoor games, where the lumberjacks compete. Oh, yeah. You've seen that shit? You catch that on ESPN 2 on like a Friday afternoon or something.

They go down and up with the saw. Yeah. I thought I'd be pretty good at that. Yeah? Yeah, you know. Thought about it as a career. Never worked a chainsaw. I don't know how they get three people at those things, but they're packed. What? I don't know how they get three people. Yeah, I mean, it's like 5,000 people watching guys fucking cut down a tree.

Think about the rural aspects of the fucking, I would go watch it for sure. Really? Yeah, a couple of beers. Let's do it. Somebody line us up with some dicks. Remember, well, you know what, in that same world, what other show was really good, that Lager show, Extreme Lagers or Alaskan Lagers or whatever, where they would fucking hook them up and fucking drag them up the hill?

Oh, yeah. Those guys would get maimed. That's always nice. Did they talk about a denogenizer? That'll fucking lop you right off. Friday at 7, welcome back to maim. Getting maimed. Oh, that was a scary concept when you were a kid.

You'll get maimed. Yeah. Oh, that was screamed at me a couple of times. That and rheumatic fever my mom would throw at me. I think it was rheumatic. You can't really catch rheumatic fever. How old are you? That's what I was saying.

I've got a better chance of getting skavies. Third grade with TB. I got Paulie. Rheumatic fever. It can't be pneumatic. I'm having trouble remembering it. I think it's rheumatic fever. Also, she worked in a hospital.

She was in the medical field. Oh, yeah. Janitor, but still. It's rheumatic fever. It's a disease that can result from it adequately treated strep throat reasonable. I would get strep throat all the time. Scarlet fever. Yeah.

Oh, I don't want that is. That means you're a whore. Then mark me with an S. Shout out to the scarlet letter. Wait, two things I never understood. Hit me. Well, more than that. But for this, for these purposes.

For our purposes here today. One of them being euros. No, I got that all figured out. Um, uh, pneumonia and walking pneumonia. Yeah. What's that all about? I think walking pneumonia means you can walk around with it. You're okay.

Uh, T-bones on it. Because pneumonia is fluid in your lungs. Is it? Yeah. That's all it is. It's fluid. Not all it is, but it's fluid in your lungs. And I guess walking pneumonia is probably an abbreviated version of that.

It's just milder symptoms of pneumonia. Okay. Walking pneumonia sounds worse. To me. Like it's walking all over you. That's how you take it? Honestly. Yeah.

That's how I take it. So he's beating the shit out of me. Yeah. Walking pneumonia is walking all over me. Yeah. No. Yeah. Walking pneumonia is, uh, yeah.

Less severe. A dramatic fever. That's what she would. Because that would get strep throat every year. Why? My tonsils. Smoking. Yeah.

Smoking burnies at seven. My tonsils were... Doc had me switch over to lights for a couple of months. Hey, I know you're not, it's not as cool, but hit the ultralights for the summer, will you? Yeah, we get, I would get it the same week, every year. It would be like, fucking, though, after February, like the first week of March.

Strep wasn't that bad. Once you got over the initial panic, you're seeing those white things in the back of your throat. That's swallowing for two days? Or you couldn't even, like... Ice pops. Yeah, but it's still the same. That was my ticket to unlimited ice pops.

You would wake up at like three in the morning, your mouth be all dry. Talk about wanting to be denorganized. I would have taken... If they would have been like, we'll cut your fucking trach out, I would do it. Really? And you were in so much pain.

Every swallow was like a fucking, you had to think about and then... I could do a little strep throat. You're what? Yeah, a little ginger ale on the couch. You can have that. I mean, you probably do that most days anyway. Yeah, but it's better when you're a little kid and you're sick

and your mom does all that shit for you. She runs to the stalker, gets some ice pops. That was big was... Get the paper, will you? If you were out of school, like if I was like, hey, you're going to stay home, right? My mom would whatever get me situated on the couch.

Then go run and get two movies. Hit up there to Blockbuster or Epic Video. It does grab some wings, will you? Hit that back room too. See if there's any ants and uncles going at it. When you guys were kids and sick, did you have like a standard set of movies you like to watch on sick days?

I mean, Price is Right was always a fucking yay. He had to do the Price is Right. I was a big Kelly RIPPA guy, so I would do Regis and Kelly. Big fan of Kelly. Big. You were watching Daytime TV. Yeah, Rosie O'Donnell's show was fantastic.

See what the broads are yapping about on the view, you know? Regis is a born entertainer and she was eye candy. I was more of a Regis and Kathy Lee man. You're an older guy. That's right. That's when it was done right. Gelman ran the show. Gelman still ran the show, probably still does.

Um, Rosie O'Donnell's show had a nice program at 10 o'clock, I believe it was. She did. Yeah, that was pretty good. I was more TV. There was no offer of movies. My mom would go every now. If she wasn't, if she was,

I guess at that point she was working nights or like, you know, second shifts or whatever. So she would go get, you know, I'd be like, hey, get whatever and whatever. Or something like two cars. Sometimes she'd get something like fucking Adam Sandler or fucking, you know, David Spade or something.

I could squeeze some ice pops out of Patty and I could squeeze some Cran Apple or crane grape out of her. That was usually about as far as it went. Why? What would you watch? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Secret of the Youth. Oh, that, of course. Anything I had on deck was big.

Oh, the VHS I'm talking. Yeah. You only had like, yeah. But like, we probably, we never had that collection. We had like a handful of things that like, we, you know, we never returned a blockbuster. Oh dude, I've seen Ferris Bueller's Day off about 97 times.

Wait, you had actual like movies like that? We didn't really have movies like that. We did. Unless we taped it. No, we never did that. Oh yeah. We were big. That's fucking right there.

I don't know. You had to like work for NASA to understand that. Right there. We, No, I know. You jerked off to the one 7,000 times. Police Academy. You hear that Patty?

While you were out there hardworking, this guy's at home talking his little root. Doing some science experiments. Yeah, those movies right there. We've had those since 19, I don't know, fucking 85, whenever we got our first VCR. Yeah, that was, that's, I get it. But yeah, no, we at least had a handful of movies

that you got in something. Well, my mom did it. She signed up for HBO for like a month, taped a bunch of shit and then, and then canceled it. Yeah, they're all, they're all original HBO tapings. Every single VHS like that growing up would open with the HBO.

Yes. Going to get going down the street. The old one. Fucking sweet. That's so trashy. That's fucking insane. That's a tight title card though. I'll tell you that.

Wow. Your mom was a bootlegger? That's crazy. Your mom was bootlegging films. Moving a couple down at the hair salon, huh? Holy shit. She's leaning in. I got Liya Liya.

You see Tommy boy? Holy shit, dude. Yeah. Slaying, talking about slanging them out the trunk. That in the last video was doing it. That in the last episode of M.A.S.H. went around my family. She had that tape.

We wore that thing out. Which is big on all the fans. A little too big. Someone say you're a little too big. Wow. Yeah, that's crazy. No. I never did that.

We just had a handful of them. Yeah. Unnecessary roughness was a big one. Remember that? I was 10 years. I was in college when that came out. Okay. I'm asking if you remember that.

I didn't ask fucking how old you are. I remember the film. Okay. Is that with Keanu? No. That was the replacements. Unnecessary roughness was with... Who was the quarterback?

It was the old guy. He had two years of eligibility, so he went back and played. T-Bone, you all know that? Buttons has it. Burnt Lancaster. What? I mean, he wasn't old as shit.

Scott Bacula. Scott Back. What? No way. Chachi? Yeah, and the... Shut up. And Sinbad.

Yeah. This movie's got it all, man. Sinbad was the coach, I think. And then there was a female picker, and she was a tight... That was the replacement, Chabozo. Which one's Joey Cocodillas in? The replacement.

No, that's the longest yard. You stink. What do you even... You're combining... Who was the coach? Al Pacino? You're just combining every football movie from the last 20 years.

You charge a blitz. You run from a... You run from a pass. You charge a rush. You run from a pass. What do you think necessary roughness rating on Rotten Tomatoes is? In my house, it was about a 10,000.

I know that one. Yeah, fuck Rotten Tomatoes. What is it? Fucking bullshit. 33. That's pretty good. They don't fucking know what they're talking about. Well, what's the fan rating?

Or is that... 46. Fan rate. Come on. 50%. It's not bad. It's pretty good. That's a coin flip.

It's not bad. Yeah, that was a good piece of business. Uh... A coin, piece of shit, or modern glass. Yeah, I mean, come on. What were you doing here? Let's see. I don't drive a Rotten Tomatoes anymore.

They went corporate. Didn't they? Yeah, fuck them. Who scooped them up? I don't work for them. T-Mobile or something like that. The Post or somebody probably. One of the Posts.

But it's also like everything that gets like the... Fucking... Listen, this is a very... But fuck a critic. A movie... I don't get that. Oh, Warner Brothers bought it. I'm gonna remind them back on board.

P-Boys are in the... If you guys are in the market for a podcast, put a boom in Patreon. I'm fucking Jamie on the spot over here today with the Goobs. Pretty good. This one's fucking homerun from Miguel Del Torre. Ever take your shirt off before a fight?

You were guaranteed to get your ass kicked. Man, that kid always got... That was always a one and done. That kid went down like a bag of dirt. That's up there with pulling up your pants. Talking about a fucking... I see a knockout coming. Soon as someone does that,

pulling up their pants. Yeah, this thing. What puts their hands real high like this? You're getting fucking walled. You're the fighting Irish guy? You're about to get tuned up on the... Oh, man, that's fucking great. Holy shit.

That's always the sign of a guy who's like, let me try to scare him. Now listen, if my shirt came off in the middle, dude, if somebody even like, you know... I would tuck my shirt in to make sure it wasn't coming off. That was a tough look, too, when they rip your shirt. Yeah, and your fucking titties are flopping around. It's like spring break.

It's like Kippy's going wild over there. Yeah, and I didn't have the rip shirt body. That was a really fabio in it. I'd wear a jumpsuit if it was a scheduled fight. But I remember two girls got into a fight. I was a freshman and two girls, both pretty hot, got into a fight. They were like a junior and senior,

got into a fight in the hallway, and both of their shirts got ripped off. And it was literally just two bras going at it. God damn. I don't change a 16-year-old's life. Woo! Yeah. Man, I got that on loop for a little while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was always plain in the background, you know what I mean? Like a baseball game. Holy shit. Yikes. Spicy. First time I ever saw a lace bra.

I don't even know what that is. I'm not sure what lace is. I gotta be honest with you. I'm gonna go, listen, we're all friends here. I'm gonna shoot you straight. The old lady keeps it traditional. What's lace? Like the...

Lace. You know, the little... Yeah, define it with the word that I don't understand. I think I know, but I've never been like, ooh, lace. All right, let's see if I can, let's see if I can... I know. Well, I could, if you show me a bra and a lace bra, I'd be able to pick it out.

Okay, it's ready. I'll see if I can define it. You pull it up. Sure. You have it up? Are you looking for a definition? Yeah. Yeah, I know what lace is.

Okay. I'll tell you. Okay, give me one second. It's delicate. Okay. Soft. It has little holes in it, so you can kind of see a little nippy. And it has like flowers on it.

You... I don't think you got one word right out of the proper definition. I'm not even fucking around. A fine, open fabric typically with one cotton or silk made by looping, twisting, or knitting thread and pattern specifically used for trimming garments. Boy, oh, oh. Oh, man, I'm taking a look at these bad boys.

My lady's got a couple. And they ain't too shabby. Um, yeah. Shout out to the lace family. Keep him here. Coming up with that. Keeping kids hard. Kip, let's talk about that box of awesome.

At Bespoke Post? At Bespoke Post. You got me right there. And when they did something, they are awesome. All right, the falls here. Okay, if you like cool stuff, get yourself a box of awesome from Bespoke Post. It could be grooming materials.

It could be outdoor barbecue stuff. It could just be outdoor stuff, pocket knives, hammocks. It's all closed too. Closed too. You keep telling me that I forget. You keep forgetting, you guy. Doing clothes as well. Uh-huh.

And coolest part about them is they partner with small businesses, emerging brands that bring you the most unique goods every month. That's what I like. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's, it's. Boutique. Yeah, it's boutique. It's cool.

Well made, handcrafted. Cool guy shit. Cool guy shit. It's good. To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers are going to help them pick the right box of awesome for you. As we've always said, new boxes come out every month.

Tons of different categories. Whatever you're into, you can find something you want. Travel, gear, whatever you want. It's free to sign up. You can skip a month at any time. If you want one, one month, we've got to take a month off. Do it again in two months. Easy peasy.

Sure. Each box only costs 45 bucks and has a total of $70 worth of gear in it. Free money, baby, a lot of money. Nice. Plus with each box of awesome, like we said, you're supporting small business. 90% of everything that comes in your box of

awesome is from a small up and coming brand. Here's the deal. You get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up for boxofawesome.com and enter the promo code garbage at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com code garbage for 20% off your first box. Do it.

Yeah. Ooh, let's talk about Mint Mobile real quick. Mint Mobile. Yeah. Love those guys. Mint Mobile, the guys who are turning it upside down by passing the savings on to you. Because what happens when you sign up for a big contract?

Mobile number, mobile phone. You all jammed up fees, over jizz, getting hit. Contracts and this and that. Next thing you know, they got you over a barrel. Mint Mobile goes right to you. They pass the savings on to you. Now, I've been told. I don't know if it's true.

It can't be true. I earn $15 a month. $15 a month. That's bonkers. Bonkers. You get unlimited talk, text, high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Look at that.

That's Mint Mobile, baby. It's the same thing you're getting. The other big guys are offering. You're getting it for $15 a month. 15 clams a month. I've always said this. My wife uses it. I've been using it for years.

That's a pack of burnies. In New York. You ain't lying. My wife uses it and she never signed a contract. She used this temporarily and now it's the go-to thing. You never need anything else. So if your contract's up, you're looking at a second line, whatever you're doing.

If you're in the market for a new cell phone plan, check out Mint Mobile. Have you covered seven-day money back guarantee to get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shifted to your door for free? Go to mintmobile.com slash garbage. That's mintmobile.com slash garbage. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month

at mintmobile.com slash garbage. Now back to the show. To the show. When was your last official childhood fight? Do you remember? What's childhood? Just a little keep it strict. I'm not talking about college or after college.

That's when they got upset. Something got a little dangerous. Yeah. Child. I fought a kid the other day. Yeah, I fought a nine-year-old. Really tuned them up. Jerry Naraski, keep his fucking mouth shut.

I've been beefing with some kickball kids. We were a little fucking wonky as in we would fight each other most times. Most scuffles were friends. Me and my brother fought every, like physically, fist fought every single day one summer. Every day was insane. Yeah.

That was, I mean, me and my boys would get drunk and then somebody would say something or whatever and then you would fucking end up in a tussle. Like it was probably junior high before and then college and early 20s. A good amount. Yeah. My last child, like high school,

there was a few fights. But my last childhood, like childhood childhood fight was in seventh grade. This kid, I think Dan Brown or Dave Brown beat the fuck out of me. Yeah. And I deserved it 100%. Oh, I know.

I'm sure you did. It was one of those old school ones where he was like a good guy. I was running my mouth or something like that and I thought I could take him and I went in real quick. And next thing I know, he's on top of me. He's like hit the size of me. He's on top of me.

He had a cast on his right hand because he had broken his hand. I got hit by a cast. Dude, he was just fucking wailing on me. Yeah. I thought my face was going to fall off and he hit me like four or five times and stopped and he was like, he'd done it.

And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And then he put out his hand and he helped me. And we were buddies from there on out. Yeah. I mean, you were his bitch, but sure. I had to pull my pockets. Yeah, right?

Hey, bunny ears, let's go. Put a little Kool-Aid powder on my lips. Like your skirt up? Put something lace on? I wanted to ask you this, too. I'm here for it, big guy. Because it happened to me yesterday. Uh-huh.

Have you ever been putting on your underwear and both legs go in one hole? But you still pull them up just whatever? I don't think I got them all the way up. No. Yeah. I feel sexy. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wait, you just yanked them all the way up just to see? Just to see, yeah. That's fun. You ever do that? Fuck no. Yeah. I don't think I've ever done it on purpose. I feel like I'm feeling a little me-skirt.

I feel like it. I feel like it happy. I get up. How did they recover from that? There's no way they snapped back into place after Rocket. I did. I got my good fellas. They're good, good fellow.

God fellow. I don't know what my underwear is. How would I? You looked at me like I was going to confirm the brand of your underoos. We talked about it. The ones I get from Target. Who's the brand? Oh, yeah.

It used to be Masimo. And now I think it's Goodfellow or something. Longfellowdeeds. I am very, very sneaky, so. I am very, very sneaky. This one's crazy. I don't know if we talked about it yet. I remember reading it.

This was from Kristen. Ever waited at the bottom of a water side at a hotel for the day so you can use your goggles to find the change that fell out of everybody's pocket at the bottom. What the fuck? Yeah, how nuts is that? What are you, a 98-year-old man? At that one of those things?

Yeah, that's fucking, that's worse than a metal detector. That has to be a kid activity. That's not an adult. I guess, yeah. How would you have the money to get into a hotel if you were doing that kind of thing? Sure. I mean, no, yeah, no, that's as a kid.

I'm sure it's for sure as a kid. But like as a kid, you're like, oh, let me go see what fucking coins I can pull up. And that's pretty smart to be hanging at the bottom of the water slide. Yeah. Where it all flushes out. I'll give you that, but it's trashy. It's very trashy.

I've never done that as a kid, but I mean, this has been well documented. In the summers, you know, your routinely went through everybody's pockets in the closet. Every coat pocket to find some kind of change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember one time I hit fucking pay dirt, dude. I mean, it was like, it was like 80 bucks or something. What?

Yeah. The piece had like a couple of, the piece is real flustered when she's checking out at the SuperFresh. Best. So it'll be like 20s and she'll fucking in the coat pocket or something. You ever get pinched? Where's that money that was in my pocket?

No, no, this was in like July. And it was a fucking December. Wow. So, you know, no body, no crime. You know what I mean? That's fantastic. Yeah. Dude, I remember the one day I was then like, I find a lot of

Laffy Taffy's be purchased with 80 beans. I was looking for like five bucks or something to go like just skateboarding or like. Get your head on straight. Just to fucking, you know. Make right with the shark. Kick the big down the road. Just to have a couple, you know,

be able to get some snacks or something at the fucking deli while I'm fucking hanging with the boys. Maybe a slice of Zod out. Man, when you weren't flush for snacks and everyone was grubbing, that was a tough look. Yeah. We were always real good though, because at some point every like.

Take care of each other. My boy Pat was constantly flush. Yeah. Because he would live with his grandma was always around. So she would always break him off like a dub. Wow. Like here's a 20 and as 20 is a 10 year old. Forget it. You know.

Kidding me? So fucking buy your own hotel. I remember the one time my mom was telling, I was sitting there with my mom and my boy Pat. We were in college probably like just turned 21, maybe even before 21. And I'm like, mom, we were so like bro college kids, like home for like Christmas or something.

Thanks. Whatever. We're both home for the weekend and we weren't working. I was like, mom, give us give me some money so we can go drinking. And she's like, I'm not just giving you money. She's like, there's beer here. Like drink here.

Like I'm not giving you 50 bucks. So you guys can go drinking at the fucking pub all night. OK. So then same thing with Pat's parents. Like we're not just fucking giving you money here. You guys have been drinking. They take the night off or whatever. So then Pat's grandma, I'm sending them a text.

Hey, Pat, you know, I stopped by the house. You weren't there. I left 80 bucks for you on the counter. Pat's like, we got 80 bucks. Let's go. I was like, you're going to spend, you're going to split the money with Kevin that your grandmother gave you?

You're like, hell yeah, we are. Hey, unless you're a part of the solutions. Shut the fuck up. I got fucking car bombs to do. Ah, man. That was always big. All right. This one, this is an abbreviated one.

This is from Jesse. Ever burn your eyebrows off? Because if you are, you're probably doing something you shouldn't be doing. 100%. Doing what? Not all the way off, but I've bridged them. Yeah.

Yeah. Lighten the burny or something else. Yeah, crack pipe. The big thing, especially when you had lighters as a kid, you'd burn your leg. Do you ever like burn your leg hair? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that smells cool.

Man. It's gross. And then I drove for a laser hair removal service for a long time, and they would do it in like a regular doctor's office. And after eight hours of fucking cooking, oh, Italian ladies fucking legs in Long Island. Dude, you'd walk in there.

It would hit you like a fucking two by four. And I'd say to the technician, like, how the fuck can you stay in here all day? Now you get used to it, burning hair. Nasty. Tough luck. The other big thing as a kid with a lighter would be burn your sock.

And it would fucking, did you ever do that? And it would like wrap around your foot. It would just burn all like the very fine hairs that you, like fibers that you can't see on your sock. Should we do it? No. I have brand new socks. I don't know if it would work.

There's like a bunch of. Mine might go up in flames. Think the Olympic torch. And like the fibers you can't see. And it would like a blue flame would run around your foot and then go out right away. It's a good time. It's a fun time.

Yeah. It's not too shabby. It's about two notches underneath the fun of lighting a fart on fire. Letting a fart. I've never done it. Oh, my buddy Kramer used to do it all the time. Classic.

Classic. Really? What were Elaine and George up to? Showstopper. Showstopper. What age were we talking here? A couple weeks ago. I don't know.

Fucking seventh, eighth grade. OK. I wasn't sure if you were doing it in high school. Like eight ladies. You know. You might have been. Ooh. Eikes.

Tough one. Tough break. I don't know why they left. Um, I just went from Joe. Your mom ever played Candy Crush. Mine is hooked. The diesel birds and the phone. It's embarrassing.

It's a they're addicted to. She plays something. I don't know what she does. It ain't Candy Crush. But yeah, they're always doing something. Your mom's still playing Candy Crush? No, not mine. He was saying my mom is hooked.

Oh, man. You're still pushing that? Um, yeah. It's a tough fucking look. There always made me want Candy, though. Hard Candy. I don't think I've ever played Candy Crush. I've never been big on games in general.

Video games weren't my thieves. Last system I had was a PlayStation 2. And I got so mad that I broke it. And then that was the last one. I got a little bit of an anger issue. Real cool kid, huh? Remember, I broke my sister's laptop, too. She was home from college.

Why? Because I was playing a game, and I lost, and I fucking took the screen and snapped it. Really? Yeah. I assume that caused some friction. I then slid it under the couch and kind of put a half of blanket over it to try to be like, oh,

someone stepped on it or something. Did it work? I don't think so. She was like, what are you, like, and this was like, this was like an IBM. This was like, I mean, she went to college like, she's like a little bit younger than you. Right.

It's crazy. You're older than my sister. That's nuts. Um, she, uh, I guess she's 40, maybe. She had like one of those big black, like, you know, it came with like the bat. Like, you know what I mean? It was like, you were calling it an airstrike.

It had that little, that was a little. The red ball. The red, those things were great. Real fucking tactical with that. You were playing solitaire. Ace. Hey, I didn't get the waterfall. I can't fucking beat this guy.

That was great with a waterfall, what the cards would happen. You watch that for a couple of hours. I have some fucking solitaire I can get into. Yeah. You ever try to play with real cards? Yeah. My dad taught me.

You need like eight tables. It's brutal. It's like you're. You need a picnic table. It's like you're an architect. It's fucking rolling out the planes. Rolling out the drawings. It's fucking putting it here and putting it.

It's fucking get out of here. Holy shit. Yeah. That was always big, like launching a controller too. It was fuck. I don't, I never played, I never had any of the wireless controllers. We were never those psycho kids.

I always thought those kids, that was stupid. What? It's more anger. I'm not like. Dude, I used to lose to my brother on purpose because he would hit me with a controller if I beat him. Oh, yikes. Way to keep it cool.

Psycho. Holy shit. It's got to sleep over together, huh? Yeah, right? This guy's putting on first down. No wonder how you guys were homeschooled. You were probably kicked out. A couple of animals.

I don't know what it done better. It did not. For the record, it did not. For the record, it did not. This one from Adam. Shout out to Adam. Shout out to him. Uh, we might have talked about this at one point.

Everwhite knows grease on the top of your beer to get rid of the foam. 100%. Yeah. I remember when that was shown to me. I was like, holy shit, that's gross, but it worked. It's more of like a funk scene, especially when you're playing beer pong. And you got to fucking, or you're playing like a drinking game,

and you got to like, you got to kill the foam quick. Throw that in there. Now, take that one step further. Uh-huh. Have you ever witnessed your server do that as they were bringing your drink over? What? Yeah.

You've seen that? I've seen that. You've done that? I have not done that. Okay. Were you, were you sitting? Were you at, were you a, were you a patron? Or were you also working?

I was a patron at a restaurant in the bar. I was right in front of us. And I saw a server do that to somebody's drink and then bring it over to their table. It wasn't our table. What the fuck? I'll take the can, please. I'll have the can hamburger.

Fuck that. That's fucked up. Oh, man. I, I was just somewhere. This, this was probably 15 years ago. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think,

I think we were still smoking in the restaurant. Because I was more than 15 years ago. Uh, yeah, it was probably 15 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 15, 16. I was in college when they banned that. That no more, no more burnies inside. I mean, dude, that was brutal.

I remember like, I remember working at Martel's on the Upper East Side in like, I don't know, 2000, 2001. And small little restaurant. And I'm literally having a burning at the bar. Sure. And then we'll just put it in the ashtray and walk over. You guys ready to order?

Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That's another thing too of, I think, uh, so two stories. One, I have to stop eating it up, uh, bodegas, like ordering like a sandwich and stuff. You do? I, I did. I just, the one in my neighborhood just,

the guys played a little too fast and loose. Um. With the cleanliness. Yeah. Especially going there late at night. You know what I mean? If you get back from like a spot or whatever and it's midnight, you're like,

I'll pop in and get a sandwich. It's like, dude, I asked for a chicken parm and they fucking just did like the, they get like the chicken cutlet, like the breaded already. They just got to deep fry it. Then they fucking, you know, I'm listening.

They put it on the griddle. I'm right. Put the sauce, the cheese, cover it up. Mel, it's easy peasy. What's the problem? Guy. So I'm sitting there, only guy in there. Then guy comes in and is like,

let me get a, a chopped cheese or whatever. And then he takes the hamburger, the raw hamburgers and chops it up. And then like, I'm like, dude, and I'm sitting there watching. If I didn't see it, I wouldn't have mattered. But I saw him. I'm like, dude, don't just immediately

go scoop up my thing with that fucking, with the raw. You can see the raw meat on the fucking, on the fucking spatulas. And I'm like, don't do it, man. And he just goes over, scoops it up, right on the fucking bun. I walked outside through it in the trash.

I said, I can't do it. Okay. I just can't. And also I don't have the tools to be like, don't make me a new one. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm just like, I just go now I'm done eating there.

But now also you walk in there and they're eating. Like, what can I get you, buddy? I'm like, what the fuck? I don't know. What are you having? What do you recommend? Jesus. Yeah.

They got like white sauce on their face. I'm like, nah, dude, I'm out. I'm done. I can't do it. My bodega, I went and I asked for an Italian hero. They gave me a chicken pesto panini. I was like, what the fuck had he? Yeah.

Some of them just play by their own rules. They don't give a fuck, dude. They don't give a shit. But also I was at a diner last week, you know, writing some jokes, having a fucking omelet, killing some time. And I go, yeah, can I get another Diet Coke? He comes over.

He comes over. I was like, I had a Diet Coke sitting there, right? He comes over. I go, I don't know. Diet Coke goes, yeah, sure. And grabs it like this with his finger in the fucking cup. Well, that's what I would say. To go reef.

And I'm like, I watched him. I'm like, if he gets me a new cup, like if he's busting the table like this, that's one thing. But if he refills his cup and his fucking finger was just in. Did he refill it? Yes. Did you drink it? What?

No fucking way, dude. That's why I asked you. Do you know anywhere that drinks like this? Yeah, I do that a lot. I mean, one thing, if you're doing it, I get whatever. It's your dirt, you know. Refills. But like if a fucking,

refills should be a new glass. I'd rather pay for it. I'll, yes. If dude, if you're trying, give me a new cup. I want the fresh ice. I want the fresh, the guy last night. What, at the diner in Jersey? Hey, can I get another Diet Coke?

And I have like this much left in mind, and he just stands at the table and waits for me to chug it. I'm like, what the fuck? Just go get me a new glass. There's four people in this restaurant. You got the glasses. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

That's good. Um. Nice meal, though. It was pretty good. Okay. Sorry. Just checking something real quick. Um, let's see.

This one's from Alexander Brando, patron here, first time question. Have you or anyone in your family ever kept a BB gun by the bed to take care of the squirrels in the attic? Geez. That's, that ain't, that's never had squirrels in the attic. Had skunks in the crawl space. That's close enough to squirrels in the attic, I feel.

Had raccoons in the living room. From like 87 to 89, my house had a pretty thick skunk smell. I think we might smell. Yeah. I didn't know it was lingering. We had a moth ball. Moth ball.

Take care of it. Yeah. They were right under the front, front thing. Yeah. Tough look. Damn. Not at the house you're in now. Yeah.

We weren't going to war with the BB gun though. We did. We had a groundhog problem. I couldn't shoot a squirrel. I shot a rabbit once, and we felt so bad about it. We buried it. Had like a whole,

we had like a full service. Sure. Luncheon afterwards. Proper rabbit burial. I swear that we felt never, never picked up a firearm again after that. I think I've mentioned, I had BB guns all growing up,

mainly because I think my mom wouldn't let me, and I told my dad, and he was like, okay, I'm going to fucking strap this kid's going to be Rambo. So I had a bunch of them, and I shot a bird one time and killed it, and immediately felt bad.

It was one of those things of like, oh, let me see if I can get closer, scare him, or like, no intention of me thinking I was going to hit him. Red rider BB gun. What was it, eagle? What'd you hit?

Yeah, bald eagle. Dad's like, I told you it pulls right. Killed one in the backyard, tried to hide it, and then someone found it. It was like, what the fuck is this? What I don't know how. I stepped mom, I think.

Um, he tried to hide it. Yeah, it felt so bad. Put it in the Gambino's. No body, no crime. I ripped its fingernails off. No, I put it in like a brown bag and threw it in the trash.

But my problem was there was no- What's this nosey broad doing, snooping to the trash? There was no other trash in the trash can. Oh. Right, it was like the outdoor trash can. So she reached down there, grabbed her brown paper bag,

and there was a bird in it. I think she was like, what the- This is clearly something that I- You would have been in therapy. What? After that. That psycho kid shit.

Yeah. She was like, what happened? I remember telling her, I was like, hey listen, I didn't think I was gonna hit it. What happened? Yeah. One thing led to another.

We were arguing. I had to call the wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Important thing is we gotta get our story straight, huh? First things first, I was never here. The bird cop show up. I wondered a lot about kippies, snapping laptops in half,

going on murder sprees. Yeah. Fat little weird kid. What? These were old times. What are you talking about? You get scrubbed throat every year. This kid's a lemon.

Kidding me? Jesus Christ. Get the extended warranty on this one, folks. You're gonna need it. It's like a leaking oil. Oh, fuck. That killed a bird. Put it around paper bag.

Hey, that's not nice. I don't know how you would get up there that quick I mean, you got to be a pretty quick draw. Where? To wake up out of a dead sleep, grab the BB gun, get the ladder out, get upstairs. Well, I think it's maybe if you're,

what do you mean, get the ladder out. An attic. Oh, I'm assuming you're shooting through the ceiling. That's what I'm taking. I don't know. Or if it's like... Trying to wall bang this bro. I don't know.

Listen. It's not suppressing fire. What the fuck? Hey, cover me. I'm going to the bathroom. It's like it's saving private chipmunk. Jesus Christ, man. I don't think that's what he meant.

I don't know. Dude, you're gonna wind up with a bunch of fucking Christmas decorations with holes in them. Yeah, how are you gonna... You can't shoot through a drywall with a BB gun. That doesn't make sense to get a gun. And then I'm saying it might be like an open rafter type situation.

I don't know. That doesn't make sense to get a BB gun. So this guy's got squirrels in his house. That's what I'm picking up. They're not in the attic. They're in the house. Yeah. They've taken the guest room.

He wakes up ones on top of them with a gun like Karen Hill. Yeah. What are you doing, Karen? My boys at Drexel had that squirrels. This is scratches. Just put down the gun. Scratches.

Ah, Professor Whiskers. How are you gonna do me like this? You got me all wrong, see? And he must be some kind of dead eye to shoot a squirrel. Yeah. Well, he could be using buckshot too. Who knows? You know, he could be...

He's got a good spread on it. Y'all have a BB grown up? You know, 12-gain. This is a fucking Anton Segour. Oh, another question that we've gotten a handful of times. I don't have the name on it, but I'm recalling it now.

What do you know about it? Does anybody have the salt guns? They kill flies. The bug assault. The bug assault. Do you know that? You've mentioned it to me. Oh, I have?

Yes. Oh, okay, yeah. And you... Does it break glass? No, it's just like... It's like fucking buckshot, but salt. And it's supposed to kill flies. You keep it if you have flies,

or like gnats, or fruit flies, or whatever, and even see it on the wall, you just fucking... And it, you know... It's awesome. Yeah. I tell you, the interior of the living room is like a soft pretzel.

Yeah, it's all fucking over. It's like a super pretzel. Toby, order three of those. That'd be pretty good. Extra ammunition. Yeah. And some goggles. I'm using Himalayan sea salt.

The good stuff. Shooting pink. Missed that. I use rock salt. Trashy. Garbaggio, my friend. That was the thing as a kid growing up in the South. You hear about someone getting shot in the ass

with the rock salt. Rock salt was big. The farmers would have it if you were. There was always lures, because like where we grew up, it was a lot of farmland when I was like very young that all, like, you know, that all became... It was developed.

Developed. But there was always like, yeah, they'll shoot, you know, they'll fucking come out if you're fucking around on the thing. Yeah, they said that about the cornfield behind our house. Yeah. I think they would.

I don't fucking ever made a move. Haha, he knew better. Yeah. Got the quick drill on him. All right, let's see. This one's from Thomas. I believe it's from Facebook. Do you have more key chains than keys?

Not a key chain guy at all. I was never... At one point, I think I had the bottle opener and that was probably high school college. That's all I ever had. For a while, I just had two loose keys that I would carry around for the two doors. Not even on a ring?

Nah, no ring. Didn't like it. I don't like to only felt it in my pocket. It was just two keys. That's like cat burger shit. Why? That's weird, dude. I break it every time I get it.

That's one step away from like unrolling like the thing and having all the slim gyms. You don't think I wish I had one of those? That's real cool. That little thing that goes in and you put the other one in and you flick on it. No way that worked. You're all just lifting the pins.

Yeah, no way that worked. We used to work at a locksmith. No big deal. Oh, look at you. You had a lot of... Hey. What locksmith did you work at? It was a lock and vault safe company.

Did you make keys? Yeah. Really? You made keys before? I pinned locks. Where you take like a... You take like a lock, like a, you know, whatever,

just like the base of a lock and then you like... Each pin has a different like code or whatever and you drop the pins to make it a unique key. Okay. Yeah. You're the key maker. I was the key master.

Really? Master of the keys. I've always wanted to use one of those things. I didn't know how to do that. The guys that I worked with could obviously. Oh, you couldn't work the key thing? What do you mean the key thing? You're telling me you were dropping pins

but you couldn't make keys? No, no, made keys. I'm saying I couldn't break a... I couldn't fucking use the scalpel and the fucking... No, no, I meant the key maker thing. The thing that looks like a sewing machine. Oh, of course. I've made thousands of keys.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, thousands. Wow, that's pretty cool. I'm a pretty cool guy. As a kid, that was like meeting an astronaut. Yeah. That guy. Probably some drunk...

It was me. Big headed, fucking 21 year old. I don't even think I was 20. Yeah, I was 20 years old. Really? Yeah. And I remember it was a safe company and they got real fucking pissed because on YouTube

it went viral. Some like thief, like, you know, like lock breaking guy had a YouTube channel where he would just break into like all these like safes and stuff. And we had like this unbreakable safe and he broke into it in like four minutes on YouTube. Really? Yeah, they were real pissed.

Oh, like they got into the ZX400. That's pretty sweet. Yeah. I've seen those videos where the people know the... the different sequences to push for soda machines and stuff like that. I think that's all kind of fake, no? Oh, it is?

Do you know anything of that? Like each one has a secret code? Yeah, I've done it. Is that real? It is. But you... What? They won't dispense.

For a while you could get it to dispense, but they fixed that shit real quick. Ah, did they? You know what I'm still impressed by? But you can like open the menus and like change shit and stuff. So much for free sodas. You know what I'm really impressed by?

Vending machine technology to the point where they have them at the airports. I don't... That's the only time I really use a vending machine is at the airport after we land. Or a hotel. Or a hotel, but hotels don't have it. Airports, for sure.

All other places have it. I've been in the... I've been in the... In a vending machine? I've been in the snack slash ice room with you. Many a late night. Oh, yeah. Big fan.

Get some snacks. Big fan of like some cheese at some pretzels. Some absorbed all the booze roll. All the IPAs floating around me. Grab a screamer. Cold Gatorade. But they... The thing that zips up and meets it in the middle.

That like then instead of dropping... Oh, that's like AI technology. Dude, dad, there's... Dude, there's one at fucking... There's one at the... What, the baggage terminal of every airport? Whenever we're waiting, I always get like a fucking drink. And that thing...

I sit there in amazement of how that thing works. That's like from iRobot type shit. Yeah. Doug, when that thing first dropped, there was a hack where if you put your hand on the door that it's supposed to slide through, it'll slide, it'll hit it, it'll think it didn't dispense the soda,

and it'll give you a second soda for free. Oh, wow. That's pretty good. T-Bone, he probably has slugs for the subway too. This guy. Hey, you Chicago kids, man. You guys are wild. You guys are out there, huh?

Wild. Hey, who wants a free Barks, huh? Running. Running in with his boys on a Friday night. Yeah, they'll get you. Huh? Six pack of soda, hey fellas. Get you.

Let's see, this is a first time question. This is from Mike. We've talked about this. Have you ever purchased food in like a strip mall, like the pizza place, and then your buddies were eating at the chicken place, and you took the pizza to the chicken place, like taking outside food into a place.

Trash. I've never done it. I've had buddies that done it. And I can't do it. You're a dirt ball if you do it, and then don't give the fucking server an attitude. Well, they're eating. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, get the fuck out. Fucking, yeah. That's no fucking bueno. Kids is a different situation. Outdoor food, you can't do. Kids different situation, but clean that shit up. And you bring the crackers or something for the kid. Clean that shit up under the fucking high chair, okay?

Especially if you're a 15%er. Oh, tipper. Yeah. I'm not fucking cleaning up fucking egg noodles and fucking mushed up string beans from your little kid. Now, if you order some chicky fingers for them, like a gentleman, he don't finish them. I'll take care of that.

So you can do 15% all day, my friend. That I got here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a thin line, though. Sure. With eating off kids' plates. Oh, I would never. Because they're real gross.

I would never. But they don't finish anything. Sure. You know? It's tough. Yeah. I don't even like, you know, if my nephews and stuff, like, I'll, if they drop the nuggets real quick,

I'll snag one. No, I'll tell you what, those two, I don't go near them. But they net, literally, like, whole hamburgers. But you just know there's, you know, even as gross as I am. It's all booger. Yeah, it's a booger force field. No, I'm telling you, I was just home last weekend or whatever. Went home, had, like, dinner at the house on Sunday

with all the nieces and nephews, brother, sister, the whole night. Everybody was there. And for the kids, they came out with the chicken nuggets, like, but they put in, like, one, you know, two boxes of, like, the weavers or whatever. They came out and dropped those things crispy brown, dude. Uncle, Uncle Kev was all over that stuff.

Took it one from each plate. Fantastic. All right. Let's wrap it up. Gang, we love you. It's been a family episode. We will keep you guys informed. Just at Cameron Comedy on all social media.

Let's get those numbers up. Follow RU Garbage. Follow on Twitter. Also, too, if you're up, I guess there's a Discord for the Patreon members that they're, we just established a new admin or something. They're trying to get that boom. And so check out the Discord if you're on the Patreon.

Very nice. And don't forget, come see us, Gotham Comedy Club. Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. November 9th, get tickets. It's going to sell out. We said that about Philly. And guess what? It sold the fuck out.

It sold out. It sold out. Do it. We love you. Come see us. We love you. Bye.