Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - "I Married a Stripper" w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Are You Garbage is back with a Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Displate: https://www.displate.com Promo Code: Garbage Conzuri: https://www.conzuri.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Pump the Brakestair gang got a quick tour update that stayed trashy tour Uh-huh is taking over the country. You know it. I don't know what to do Mm-hmm adding shows adding cities come out and see us live stand-up comedy play to the lay by G With the crowd great way to introduce people to the show come out and see the boys Yeah gang this March We're starting in Baltimore Virginia Beach Richmond, Virginia Then we're going to Oklahoma City Dallas, Texas Houston, Texas Austin, Texas second show added there Then we're going to New Haven Connecticut as of now. It's sold out. We're working on the second show

And we got Burlington, Vermont. We got Tampa, Florida first show sold out second show is about halfway sold out Get those tickets Danny a beat Florida Raleigh, North Carolina Louisville, Kentucky just added Cleveland and Columbus get those tickets Let's party gang see you out there on the road. Yeah Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're good to be classy

Yeah, that's just a big old piece of trash trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day We're down here at Antutti's basement that construction project up there continues To cause headaches. Yeah, and I'll tell you what the city's up there right now sniffing around. That's the mayor Man she's paying off everybody Your answers sure does care about you The addition going on in the house boy That's gonna be a brothel in a couple of weeks. I can see that right now We're working the door my co-host is coming at you from across the tables the family episode just a squad this week

He is the CEO of are you garbage? He's an international businessman, and I'll tell you what right now Best pal in the whole wide world right there. Give it to you right now. My best pal. I need money Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan the only pal also by default. I'm the worst guy the worst pal as well What's up everybody? Thanks for tuning in as always piece. We should make sure you know Man The boys are in the weeds make sure you rate if you subscribe on itunes full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are And obviously the greatest gosh darn website sure time www.patreon.com sure slash are you garbage you go over there? Yeah, you sign up

You can get bonus episodes a yg get episodes a hard feeling which is the real deal the real deal holy everybody loves it We got the wheels up tour vlogs up there We got all the all the all the all the the goal videos that we've hit that's all up there It's about a bajillion hours. Disney all that stuff drunk at Epcot Everything and we're heading out to the Indianapolis 500 500 memorial bang. I get to go in a car Driving drunk around the track Come stop me and how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man Oh, yeah, makes us all look good works to ones works to twos crosses the T's dots the eyes give it up for T-Bone McScroffins

Toby McMullen everybody. What's up, dude? What up you boom? Hey pal just in here at the butt crack at dawn couple working steps Us boys. Yeah early early call time for the boys today. Sharkin. Yeah, we were all about an hour late In typical in typical dirtbag fashion. We were all late Toby's we were supposed to be here at night I'll be there about 915. I'll be there at 915 about Foley comes in with a 925 I think it's in here and takes a 15-minute boom boom Only guy no gets to work clocks in takes a nice dump As we're about to hit record man. When you texted me to ask me to get those waters. I almost went home Fuck these guys. I'm out. There used to be a thing online back in the old days the internet

The dump calculator you put in your hourly wage and let you make you know how much money you were making while you were pooping Yeah, work. That was always a big thing save it for work. That's a real dirtbag move, but I I worked on a lot of guys honey That's crazy I beat you. I couldn't roll the dice down You hit an accident on 95 You'll have an accident on 95 James up on a contra-hacking curve. They make a dollar pay me a dime. That's why I poop on company time

Uh, what's that man? What do you work on the railroad? He says that? Jesus Christ don't ever speak in rhyme ever again. That's not allowed. How long were you a chimney sweep? Yeah, what the fuck? My that but that bothered me. Oh, yeah on a cellular level and knock that off I'm gonna make you cut that actually quote rapper is like a normal person Who is that willy nelson? What do you think it's a meme? Oh, man yikes Just I just thought this day couldn't get any worse You go and start rhyming on me this early in the morning

We apologize ladies and gentlemen. He's normally not like this um But I had a little uh, I had a little something. What do you got a little bit of embarrassing? A little embarrassed like that around here embarrassing. I'm an open. I'm an onion here Uh open wound. We had a cleaning lady. We we we uh You and the bird me and a bird really? Uh-huh over a threesome Take a run at her. No, um We've been hymning and hauling to get one shut down. I'm paying you

um It's been in the worst. We you know, we just traveled to schedule. It's like one of those things It keeps like oh, we'll do that next week. You know what I mean? And we just like keep pushing it off and pushing it off Uh, do you have one by any chance? No, no. Do you have you had someone? I mean Who you're just talking about you putting a commercial trash can in your living room. So yeah, my place is all jammed up Yeah, so you're pretty just moved in I still have an unpacked from we brought the dirt from bed from the old department I still have an unpacked from hawaii. It's just sitting on the bed. That was another thing this morning too

I have an unpacked from portorico and I opened up my luggage and I'm out also out. Um, we're jammed up I'm out of laundry. Oh I had undies out of socks. I found I found two pairs of undies in my luggage that I didn't wear I'm wearing my girl's underwear as socks right now Sliding around talking about a camel though I would I'm so jammed up on laundry at the mom taught like jam upon all jam uh I almost took a dirty shirt out of

My luggage from portorico with the thought of it's been dirty so long. It's almost clean You know what I mean? Like it it kind of came back around that's a hundred percent acceptable, right? There's something Yeah, it sits long enough itself cleanses the air molecules everything osmosis dries up no sweat Yeah, right come on. It's way different than putting something on the award two days ago Yeah, I'm talking this thing's been sitting for about two weeks plus it is that fresh luggage smell It's got luggage smell island smell as well island smell. It's you know what I mean? It's not like I was in detroit or a little suntan lotion on it. You'd be all right No one's gonna know

You're walking around that guy just got back from vacation. I got that island glow Yeah, you're doing man. Yeah, dude a hundred percent Something I did something I have missed it. I didn't think that you said The neck was just too stretched out. Ah never too stretched out. This one was this one was rough Yeah, you were jammed up, huh? Uh-huh, but So I'm just saying we got a cleaning lady. Okay What's the sketch?

We only got it for the first time see what she can do see what she can do sure crushed it Home run plus see if she knows how to keep her mouth shut She doesn't because she fucking put us on instagram. What she did like before and after In my bathtub. I was I was furious We're getting needle I was Devastated we're gonna need a handle I don't even know it. What? Yeah, she filmed you on a story. Does that mean it was so bad?

I don't know so bad as it wasn't great. It was enough to be an example. It was it was enough for her to flex Billy Mays walks in holy shit This guy's disgusting. Yeah, what? Yeah Unauthorized. Yeah, I should put my social security number on there. No, but I'm saying did she ask you? No, my wife's all incentive. She's like we made the hall of fame. I was like, oh, don't fucking tell nobody this. Wow Uh-huh Now I want I want to have her back because you did a good job, but I'm fucking hate her I'm fucking managed to come in with a camera crew. Yeah. What the fuck

Fucking room Raiders. She's gonna fucking get me get me in there tugging my root or something. I don't need any bad press I'm on the john. She kicks the door open Yes, you're fucking airing out my goddamn dirty laundry. She walks in right after you were in there. Okay, but uh Yikes this guy. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck you gotta run the hay. We might do some video. That's crazy crazy I'm a public figure. I gotta wrap the up keep here. Can't be fucking dragging me through the mud What the fuck showing my mildew, but she hooked it up, huh? It's pretty good. I gotta get She did a good. She did a great job Yeah, that's a tough call. Uh-huh. What's she banging out for?

Uh I think 130 or something like that. Okay. That's not horrible So I think we're gonna do it. Maybe like once a month or once every two three weeks or something like whatever schedule she can Uh, I kind of like do I like it. Especially with the new spot You know, sure. You just said you're jammed up though. Yeah, I haven't done it. You don't like the idea of it I unload the dishwasher I begin a little habit of that and load the dishwasher waving down the countertops Yeah, I mean that's you should be doing that day to day. That's just keeping things in line

We do the kitchen probably every two days two three days depending on the amount of cooking and stuff like do the whole thing Yeah, I do the floor Uh, depending on yeah, clean up the fridge Whoa, let me know Love a clean fridge. We don't have a whole lot in our fridge to begin with no Yeah, we run kind of bare look at you What would you say the ratio of doing the counters and the dishes Is to screaming about how you were the one who did the counters and the dishes is I'm throwing in your face

Yeah, you'll get a little bit of push by with the kind of the hundred percent the rule. We kind of am I doing it for? Yeah, I'm not doing it for myself. Yeah, I'm doing it for leverage Of course these are negotiations I'm doing it. So when I wear your underwear is socks. You don't yell at me. Yeah, this is a goddamn proxy war What are you talking about? Yeah, move a little ground take a little trench warfare maybe skirmish is going on all over the apartment Firefighting a bathroom right now Waiting on funding from poland trying to straighten me out

Uh, I'll do I do the I take the kitchen. She takes the living room. That's like kind of like our home Bases that's like she takes care of the living room for the living room. It's fun fluff the pillows get the couch ready Yeah, but not with him when you plop down on that thing after you tighten it up the Yeah, it's all right It's a good time Tighten everything up sit down. I don't like his whole rip apart his toys in like seconds and then that's like dude The stuffing from you got an animal in there. Yeah the stuffing from so do you blame the bathroom on goddamn dog at indian What do you want?

Uh, yeah, I mean I was this fucking this lady That's crazy. I didn't even sign a release. I didn't get a text nothing That's like that's my intimate business. It's not cheaters Run up on me at the store Dirtbag, um Yeah, it's uh, what kind of followers does she have? I don't even know pumping numbers. I don't think so Eight million maybe I didn't maybe if she has she hasn't milled but go tag the kid. What are you doing? I could use I could use some of the foot traffic. You know what I mean? This guy's gross, but he's funny

He monetized it What are we doing? Patreon.com lady. It's on brand. Yeah, I would have mined it that way. Yeah, that's uh, that's pretty wild man That's um a cleaning lady would need an entire documentary crew to do a before and after of my place I could imagine ours the only before and after was the bathroom was the like the some of the tiles We got a little jammed up. Yeah, you know it happens Oh, by the way, I almost I almost died this morning. Okay Oh, man, I was it was wild. I slipped in the shower

That's never happened to me before dude ever I Man, thank god we have metal rings Because I was I held on like gymnast things. No, but on the metal freaky in the shower. I'm on the pommel horse Yeah, you're Dude in there playing Mary Lou Retton, huh? Little freak show

Um, you have bars. What do you mean the ring the the bar? Yes shower rod shower curtain, right? Uh-huh The rings are metal if they were really to hold you up Dude, I'd bring that thing. I'd bring the whole building down if I grabbed that dude, I was Dude, I went I went every direct. I thought I was I one of those things where I'm like, oh, I'm gonna fucking smack I'm gonna crack my head on how a lot of people get it. I know crazy I worried that not that it was so scary to the point. I sat down afterwards and was like I just to gather myself. I was like, whoa. Whoa. It was fun. It was fucked up. Huh. I yelled I screamed

it was like A half a centimeter. I would have smacked my head on the fucking toilet and been out. Mm-hmm like how the fucking Florentine goes in that episode of Louie. Yeah, that's what would have happened Sucks comes out a trip going down some stairs yesterday. It was weird I was like something like my brain didn't tell the other foot to move And like I didn't I would have fell it was a bouncer there. Thank god a bouncer Yeah, it was at the bottom of the steps killed that poor bastard Hey bounce right off of

a gentleman You fix your hat Good day, sir No, where was I somebody had to do something about those stairs. Sorry for crushing your man He was a good boy I'll make it right next month Somebody get him to the hospital and I'll take care of everything Um

It resurfaced too, but it was an old video and then we we'll get into the uh the patreon questions But I think it might have been Philly. That's why I bring it up. I don't know somewhere definitely northeast mid-atlantic The guy fucking breaks down the door looking for somebody and he's at the wrong house a guy Hit like I guess hit a girl with a car. I don't think like murder like whatever And gave him a wrong address like gave her was like, oh, yeah, it's one two three main street He just like made it up or whatever nice And the dad showed up to one two three main street to beat the fucking shit out of the dude And he rips the door the front door off the hinges and the kids in there has no idea what's going on

And he's like you got he's like he's travis here. He's like, I don't even know what travis man He got the wrong house and then you hear the mom from out front Henry, I think you got the wrong house. Just give me the wrong house and then she comes in and he's like, I'm so sorry I work in carpentry. I'll fix the door for you Because I'll give you a good rate because here take the money and she goes he does window like yeah She's like plugging his side business He goes he he takes out dude. He's ripped the door clear off the hinges And he gives him some sort of money and then it must be like 60 bucks or something like that

He goes, I hear take more did say he has 200 on him and he finally gives them It's like not even then Drives the car through the front window, you know, I do gutters Straightening out come to the fall. So your mailbox is leaning a little left. I could shim that for you I saw an infomercial about those are rip off the gutter guards No, I think they're good. You've been you've been in sleazy sales before I used to slime gutter guards. Yeah You move those I didn't really move with the side. I thought you did the windows or whatever At all windows roofing side lists siding seamless gutters fiber cement siding metal roofing whatever you need

I was lying to you Whatever I could do to rip you off. I got it Really, I didn't know you were a gutter guard guy. Yeah, huh? Uh-huh. They were expensive Yeah, but then you're like, hey, you want to be out you want to be climate like I was talking to you But hey buddy, what's it going to cost to keep you off a ladder? You know what? I'd look at you. I'd look at your bird and be like miss Do we want to ask that piece of shit on on a 10-foot ladder cleaning out the gutters? It ain't worth it. I mean god forbid he falls god forbid he falls into the house

You gotta get the homeowners involved. He probably goes down to the basement. You're gonna have to get them out of the This guy's saying for gutter guards to be worth it You could get for the price of the gutter guards You could get your gutters professionally cleaned three times a year for 20 years before they paid for themselves. That makes sense Especially with my markups You gotta pay a kippy fee Retainer Wait getting the professionally clean once

Three times a year three times a year for 20 years for 20 years is the same cost as gutter guards What how are they that's stupid? A lot of bozos out there. Jesus Yeah, but it's also one of those things like you're probably the commercial we're a little too excited about them Yeah, they work. I think keep the leaves out. I don't know. I never answer my phone afterwards I'm thinking royalty deal here. I want 10 every leaf that falls on your What's that miss johnson? I'm going into a tunnel. I got a leaf blower next to me. You're in her front yard Uh, yeah, but I think it's one of those things where you don't you won't

Schedule those things that's the that's the problem. You're never going to schedule them Yeah, you get a guy out there to clean your fucking gutters for like 200 bucks or whatever gets up there Cut, you know running gum, but I think it's one of those things You're not going to do it which leads to this which leads to that which leads to leaks Whatever whatever patty's good with that. She's got guys coming and going No comment somebody fixing this somebody fixing that the chimney getting clean that is Probably like cleaning out the pipes and stuff, right A couple guys in there banging away, you know

Sometimes there's two three guys in there Knock it off. I didn't say nothing. Yeah, she's good with that though. So I hear A big man big big man sprung a leak. It's my good shirt. You already said it has a stain on it But you won't tell me where it's still my head. You got to find that What's the fun in that? I'm gonna be a couple more by the end of the week Yeah, uh, I got a good shirt. Good. You need a good shirt new shirt. Fuckin already has a stain on it Everything I get stains on Sucks kebab's talking about helix

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Do it 20 of all mattress orders up to 20 off all mattress orders, baby Do it and two free pillows for our listeners kip. This is display baby. They should play look at it This is top quality product right here. You want posters on paper like a jerk off or heavy bike Yeah, heavy bike metal. Look at that thing, dude. You hang that up takes about 20 seconds to get that up there They use the magnets there. Whatever you need. It's absolutely fantastic. And you know what else too? You can put your own artwork on there Getting up there. Plus they got them licensing deals. Yeah, they greased a couple of poms. You got mandolin You got star wars. Obviously a little marvel a little list a little bad. We've got sign felt over here I'm a cosmo man, baby

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Displate.com. That's display.com code garbage or click the link in the show notes. Do it Uh gang as you know, it is that dear a family episode start eating laying down like facing forward That's what we need lazy eating now Something lazy river over in a lazy eating Guys as you know it is a gosh darn family episode when you sign up for patreon We will answer your garbage question audio. It's just the best way to do it Uh, we're working through we got a little bit of back now. We're working everybody's cool Nobody's complaining. It's a good time over there on the fucking page. Don't take my word for it

Talk to a homie if you're on the fence Talk to a fucking ten dollar homie and I'll let you know straighten you out Best goddamn patreon in the world fun time. Yeah, it's all right. We love it. Um All right, this was this one's from joshua first time is it garbage or use the wrong type of pasta for a dish? Meaning what like if you have I guess like spaghetti lasagna or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Sounds good I'm sure that's a midwest recipe spaghetti lasagna. I'm sure I think if you Yeah, it's tough. I think where you get jammed up and I know It's in the specific ones

What do you mean? Like a specific if it calls for something super specific and you go the other end It's all the same shit to me. I'll be honest with you. Okay. I always call in audible with that stuff. Um You know rigatoni this do you have pen a give me pen a it's pennies right up the middle though They're all kind of up the middle and they can walk in all worlds. Yeah. Yeah The only one you can't really mess with would be like a lasagna or uh a fettuccine Something that's got fettuccine. He usually needs to have those thicker noodles Yeah, but I'll tell you where you get jammed up into the garbage realm. Um, and and I remember

Multiple times as a little kid patty doing this You only got a little bit of spaghetti. You throw some angel hair in with it and throw a little rigatoni I've had I've had a mix match pasta for sure Multiple times dude. I remember when angel had the first angel hair hit. I don't know if they did a rebranded or just came out In the 90s or whatever it was I was like, what do we hit the fucking lottery with these angel? It's like it's like angel hair. Dude. It's fantastic Dude, it's like It was like thriller. It just compared to look over regular noodles

Kick fucking rock man. I remember us being on a run My brother loved it. I we were like, what the fuck? It was crazy game changer game changer same shitty sauce Yeah, same shitty. I was doing buttered noodles and it was it was really spicy. No, I bet that would I'm telling you it was my you know what my go-to for a long time was But when I was making it by myself back when I was I used to make it when we lived together in philly I remember it was a buttered buttered penne The baked penne in a pot throw a couple

Tablespoons of fucking margarine in there. Stare that up. Oh, that's not even butter noodles, man I didn't know margin was different until we started this show. I think I finally learned that. Wow. I was just buttered to me I love the chemis. I knew I wasn't allowed to touch it. What? I knew I wasn't allowed to touch it. Why in the fridge. Why not? You didn't want me to touch your butt You're you're I don't like you touch it anything your butter substance. Well, do I have to get into the fucking dr. Pepper debacle of 2008? My country crock It was a big thing a country crock was they used to make that look so good in the commercial Yeah, the wife that's together

It was the wife and the husband and you never saw them and they were fucking yapping back and forth to each other Yeah, we could see like their hands or see their hands and dude the old man would fucking Slab it on there. Uh-huh probably praying for a heart attack I remember her running her mouth at him all day. You know me kid. Oh, yeah I zoned out for a second I'm being honest. I'm not gonna lie to you Yeah, shut up. I'm trying to eat my butter Trying to eat my fake butter here

I remember there was times that as you know, I'm a big back to the recipe. What do you do? We're all hanging on We're all hanging on by a thread here. He was just shredded cheese on top of that and called it a day What do you pick a couple cans of I was gonna say, what do you pair that with? A coke from the fucking Exxon gas station. We live next to screamies Maybe some honey roasted peanuts for dessert those thin planters man if things were going well sure Those thin planters 99 cents man. Oh, that's clean living right The amount of the amount of cashews they sell you is nuts. It's like four cashews. What are we doing here?

Guys get stuck in my teeth. They don't even get down. Peanuts they throw at you know I got yeah for sure. I'm a That's you by the pound Uh, you're real stingy I remember being real bro is 20 and I didn't couldn't afford a full jar of pasta sauce So I just got the pace because I thought it was like juice concentrate Like you could like let you get thin it out. I learned a harsh lesson, dude Uh, dude, I gotta say fucking Matteo's Matteo Lane's instagram. Yeah, dude him making

Those pastas they look so fucking. Yeah, he knows what he's doing. It's like it's like egg and in Hey, let's take egg yolk Grated cheese and like a little bit of oregano and they put a little pasta water in it. Dude. It's crazy Those Italians man. They know how to cook With nuts. Speaking of going back on butter for a minute. I remember being at my boy's house Shout out to Scott and Neil who listened I Scottie they were uh, Neil. I can't believe it's not butter family The first time I had ever seen it. All right, again, you spray it right on the roll, dude

I was spraying it on a fucking dinner. I remember me like it was like spray paint I just remember fucking being like, I don't know what this is. It doesn't he said this like two weeks ago. You bet Somebody get this kid a carb. Will you he's starving himself? I don't I don't remember. Oh, it was all right. We corn on the cob that I was a game changer for corn on the cob Mm-hmm I'm with that. Yeah. Do you anybody in your family slice the corn off the cob? You're goddamn right. My dad did it and it was the fucking I thought it was the coolest thing ever

And it was so fucking good. That's so funny I was so that my stepmom did it and I remember being like what is she I was sitting at the dinner table for the first time I'm going what is she doing? Yeah, it's it's so it's like how an alien would eat that food It's so it's often like a sliver. It's so good. Love it. Did you guys have the corn holders the little stickies? Yeah, we had a set of course, dude They're probably still with my mom one or two of them. Sure. You never had a full set for the family though No, no, there's always like an odd number. Yeah one ends a fork. It's using a fork fighting over it Using a pie fork on it. Shout out to the corn on the cob though. That season is gonna. You said that two weeks ago

I mean I met the dad and I mean it now. I mentioned food five times a year Oh god, that's funny. Good stuff Um, this one's from joe first time long time when your pockets are a little tight I'm listening. Is it garbage to only pump a couple gallons into your car? But stay in there extra long so it seems like you're filling up Dude, I've done that so many times. No, I never stood on airs at the gas station. Oh, okay. What do you buddy? No, I would hang out give me a dollar 20 premium Oh

I'm not an animal I'm not some dirt bag getting getting ready getting 80s 83 in there. Still got a flex on these pussies What are you filling up? What is it regular loser? I got I got 180 of premium over here. Um Absolutely, man. I did that for sure. I was always I was always big too if I was buying burning say I had about 10 bucks Mm-hmm. High school burnies were probably about five 450 to 550. I remember when they were 250 I remember when you could get five with a pack of unless I've done too many drugs No, that makes sense because when I we first started smoking like whatever junior high or whatever You would wait outside the fucking the deli and ask a guy and if you gave them five bucks

That was like you can almost get yourself a pack. You know what I mean, okay? Like hey, you get us a straighten yourself out. You'll be very close to your own pack And that was that so that would have been too fit. They were like 275 three bucks. Maybe got you But I would go in with the 10 and be like, oh, you know Here's let me get a guy miles You figure the guy inside would just let you buy them because he knows your dumb ass is standing out there I think is the plausible liability is like I think we sang a charade at the at this you go to jail for that Jail

No selling kids sigs I mean, I think if you're like moving on like henry hill was yeah, you get if you got to track their trail from From georgia. Yeah, you'll get a whack. I don't think if you're buying a pack. I think it's probably a fine Yeah, maybe some community service. What do you got on that t-bone? Fines from 300 to 1500 for the first violation 500 to 2500 for each subsequent violation if you're doing that more than once That's bad. You're a pedophile. Yeah, that's how you're making your that's how you're making your bones Spensive date, huh? Pulling out for one last job

What about buying kids booze one of that jam you up? That's got to be real jail time Jail time underage drinking. I mean if someone drinks and drives and fucking kills somebody. Yeah, all right. Take it easy What do you mean? You got a long order going here? I got spray butter on the brain 5000 bucks and or or Or they pull your uh liquor license if you that's if you're selling underage. That's like if you're at the place Oh, you so if you're a guy if you're if you're the dirt bag walking in the seven I mean also how fast and loose are you playing it with your life?

You're just gonna roll the dice on the kid standing out front of 7-eleven. What do you mean? I mean Oh to buy them alcoholic. Who knows what that idiot's gonna do. Yeah, or just like why never. Yeah, never Sneak that shit like we did. I think uh, you know, we never have a brother and older cousin That's where you get the boo. Yeah, of course a fake ID I mean just a guy just buying a kid beer off. We never did that. We never did that. We've you know, we always had we hustled Yeah, I got a hustle. Yeah, brother's id friend looks old Every now and then we if we got a place in Norris town that just looked the other way

Everybody you can get on you can get put on probation or community service Huh? I don't want that guy giving back to unity. You know what I mean our old dirt bag I think he's already given to the community. It's true. You like that. Well, people who buy kids booze. Yeah, I did back in the day Man, I'm not a fan of that I'm getting it for the the brothers the cousins the sisters the whatever way different way different than just some random guy being like I'll get your booze. It was not intending like no relate That's a wild call to me. Now the parent that let you drink every once in a while down the basement

They were okay, but probably shifting. Would you be that parent? This is hypothetical because you don't have children No, fucking way Never I run a tight ship me either dude. I'll be down there fucking cracking heads He's talking about I'll shake them. First of all, you'll be 88 years old. They'll be stealing your pain medication What are you talking about? Say something after me a little fucker They're gonna they're gonna be having like keggers and you'll be upstairs sleeping with no idea You're gonna be the old dad who the oh, yeah fucking Henry's dad

180 years old. He's dead. I think you got to go up and put a fucking finger under your nose to make sure you're breathing Now patty was obviously no not that at all She'd fucking ruin you Yeah My mom it was it was always suspect Of the houses you hung out too much at yeah Why do you want to be there drinking up there? And then we'd always yeah, ma that's what we're doing always would give my buddy's dad a little bit of attitude

When she saw him at the lacrosse games and stuff They're always over at your house. Why? I'm not a huge bitch I just met you and you're screaming at me on a sunday morning Shout out to patty Uh Denise would let us never let us but I don't know. She I think she was just more oblivious to a lot of stuff and or didn't

Oblivious. I mean come on Um, I was running rackets out of that joint But then also at a certain age like my family, you know, we're a heavy booze bag So it's like At 16 you hide it Right at 16. You're not allowed to drink at a family party Everybody knows you're sure. Oh, it's we're leaving early. We're going here or whatever 19 to sneak water two 20 you're making out with your cousin. Yeah

18 or 19, you're fine. Whatever if you're in college, that's how that's how That's how my family looks at it if you're enrolled in college or you join a union You're not having nice cold beer at the end of the day That's how they look. Oh, yeah, sure You know what I mean? If you're fucking hanging sheet rocker digging ditches you can have a beer come come quit time Pass your joint fitters test If you know how to pack and pour a joint on soil pipe, I'll let you have a shot of whiskey Uh, this is probably more uh, hard feelings or patreon, but um

subtle plug No, I just you guys seem cool. I'll tell you I don't talk to losers like I just know I shouldn't be running my mouth. Yeah, that's really what I'm saying But I'm about to We we were close your mama whore for four minutes. No, I didn't I love you patty. Um We uh It was always instilled in us very early Now me me we started drinking, you know earlier than I think most of our other extended family members

All right, you and your brother. Yeah, so we had a little more experience with it and everybody has One or two where you got so fucked up and embarrassed yourselves You know what I mean In front of the family or friends? No Luckily that happened to us. Oh you learned it behind closed doors. Sure. And you just did it in front of your friends You know what I mean? Like what the fuck was wrong with? Couple of cousins fucking slipped up. Yeah, that was always my biggest fear Don't fucking embarrass yourself at a fucking family party. Yeah, I had a I had a cousin. We're made nameless

Uh Dude that happened to everybody. Yeah, he listens and he could handle his stuff. I think he I don't know what was I don't know if there was extracurricular activities involved or whatever I did get drunk at a wedding where I was crying on the way home, but I don't think anybody saw that Why? I loved your man I thought they pulled the hors d'oeuvres a little early They said there would they said there'd be more finger foods

The girl with this gallop said she was gonna be bad She said she'd be right back Man they hold on to those real tight at weddings the fucking bacon wrapped scallops you get like one lap at them and they're Sprinting through the fucking we've mentioned it before Showroom if I'm at a wedding where not I'm not friends a lot of people like if I'm a plus one Or it's a little bit more extended and I don't have like a fucking real circle to hang with I'll I'll grab a couple of bevvies post up right by that door where they come out Snag them. They know they can fucking I'm like the garbage disposal if they're trying to go take a sick break and they got

They got five little cocktail weenies on there. They know they bring them over to me Just brush them onto the table. Yeah, I just drank too much I fucking like completely drank too much and for some reason got emotional in the car and was balling my eyes out My dad was driving my mom was in the front and me and my brother in the back I was like probably 25 At the time. Oh, but nobody saw it. That was in private. That was that's fully business. We always kept our mouth shut Oh, yeah My family will fist fight each other and then just be like in the morning. But yeah, you pass the orange juice

Yeah, sweep that shit under the rug, but I have seen a couple of situations where People got too drunk and it was a scene And then discussed for several months amongst them. Sure that happens as well as well the irish are real gossipy You know, it's all so so and so Uh, but my cousin got all banged up. I want to say was that Thanksgiving? And he came back And there's a long dining room table And with a platter of like dinner rolls or something and he he's all fucked up and he threw them all like

He took the big tray was like a big serving tray and threw the rolls off and then sat on the end of this amongst mixed families not not intermediate or not Not just his family. Yeah, all of ants uncles even a couple of guests A couple of like, you know family friends like uncle mark. That's not your uncle type thing. You know what I mean What a pills berries? I would have killed him. I don't know but he new son of a bitch He must there must have been it hits you every once in a while Well, he got on the edge of the fucking dining room tea sat on the edge of the dining room table Facing out and started driving the bus

What did you with the serving tray dude going all aboard? He was about 17. That's just a good bit It's got the hat on That's all right. He's doing the door and shit So now i'm driving the bus Kim's got chops He's a method actor this one. Yeah fucking with it happens. You get That's like one step away from the guy trying to do the the the tablecloth trick All right, everybody be still

I sure I got I can do this it looks easy you got to be quick. Is there anything more trashy Than that There's not dude if you've ever tried it. I'm glad that I don't know how to do it You think that guy gets laid at the end of the night dude, it takes a lot of balls This is a goddamn fucking catering company. They got overhead here, buddy You're trying to play fucking david copperfield Man, yeah, let's talk about kanzuri attention short kings We

Pension short kings. We got a fucking new kid on the block here and it's kanzuri Yep, and they put the insoles in the shoe give you a little bit of a leg up the broads are wearing heels Why not flex a little bit? Yeah, give you about 2.8 inches. You look like lebron walking around Yeah, they make the shoes that make you two point inches taller without anyone knowing baby They're stylish. They're comfy and they're not old man's shoes They have styles for every occasion smart casual sporty you name it the insoles are built into the shoe So no one knows you're getting a boost. There you go The brand is also hidden the brand is also hidden on the shoes and the packaging so it'll be our dirty little secret

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And use the code garbage. That's a total of 45 percent off your order. That's code garbage at kanzuri.com. That's c-o-n-z-u-r-i dot com Code garbage when I want to get high I put on a pair of kanzuris Hell yeah, I'm doing a back to the show get yourself laid boys Yeah, the liquor just hits you. I think like growing up too It just sometimes just fucking it hits you weird. Yeah, you know, it's like a let's like learning a language you guy And I don't go there. You know, it's a it's a it's a learning process. Yeah, you know, you get bit by something You don't go back whatever whatever

um, all right, let's see here Uh This one's from Douglas $10 homie never have a break is it garbs would be a pharmacist who catches heaters on his lip Oh stingers Yeah, herpes. Hey, that's a dude if you're going to give I'm going to try to get a z-pack and the guy's got fucking a couple of fucking hurt bangers on his lip I'm I'm switching pharmacy. It's like on a raspberries Um

I'll just say I'm not shitting on the fact you get them you get them I catch heaters You you can't not notice them and you go sure you question a little in your it's just they're they're so blatantly obvious Where you go? Oh, come on. It looks scummy. Call out. I used to have to wait a sick day I used to wait tables with them. Oh, I I would I'd leave I'd have you put this in a box and then throw it out for me, please put my herpes Hey, we get this to go right into the trash can by any chance

I want 10% off for that thing looking at me. Um, I'm henry. This is frank He's straightened he's shadowing me today And we'll be your waiters Henry, this is frank and we'll be your waiters He's gonna take your drink order Frank will be right back with more bread. We do with you specials tonight frank would like to tell you tell him frank One's a dirty hooker Stay away

Um Dirty As a person who gets them. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's a tough look. I yeah, yeah, obviously I don't judge but it you you can't not help you like whoo. No, you judge a little bit. You start making some assumptions Yeah, it's tough, but it's not what it is. I understand so many people have it people are born with it Maybe it's maybe Maybe it's herpes Is he born? Maybe he's born with it. Maybe he's a fucking scumbag

Ha Maybe maybe got caught kissing the town bike, you know what I mean Yeah, the town bike because everybody's had a ride Uh, hold on, but for some reason the pharmacist would be You expect him to be all of a higher cloth if the plumber came over to fix the pipes. I wouldn't care That guy's touching things that are going in my mouth I don't know if that's my I don't know I'm more okay with that. I think pharmacists are supposed to be of a higher prestige. They stand a foot above you

He's got the goods right there pop a fucking valtrex. I know right straighten yourself out go to the fucking mainframe, buddy What are you doing? You got the plug Fucking get high on your own supply, dude. I don't want to be looking at this I'll say you've been chewing firecrackers Oh, that's a good question, man. That's great server. I used to that's tough Yeah, I used to be like fuck man, this sucks. I couldn't call out needed the money I had a perk addiction That's addicted to painkillers at the time

Um, it's the name of your autobiography herpes and perks The H. Foley story Uh, this one great name this one's from dairy Uh First time long time. How do you say? illegal Is it illegal? Hold on. Is it illegal illegal or illegal? I'm uh, hold on stop

illegal illegal I say illegal. Oh It's illegal. It's you that would be uh. I would say like that's illegal Illegal that is illegal. Illegal is the proper way to say illegal. It's illegal. Yeah, illegal. Yeah Yeah, I'm fucking I got herpes. I'm at their back. What do you want? I love these ones because I imagine all the people driving in their cars. Everybody there's There's hundreds of thousands of people going illegal illegal illegal Illegal

Illegal illegal. No, it's it. Okay. I know I'm saying I say illegal. Yes Yeah, you're trash. We're both trash. I know a lot of people have been fucking really jamming me up on my words recently mean I say cousin. I know C U S I N T cousin your cousin my cousin T. Oh hard T on yeah. Yeah Hard T on the boys. Yeah Um, I just once from fran $10 dildo haven't had one in my ass yet. Okay

Hire that man Well, this guy is a freak. Is it garbage to marry your favorite stripper? My wife of eight years was a dancer when we met now runs her own small business Something hot about it. Uh, yeah. Hey if it works, it works I mean you were able to pull off whatever dude thinks they can do You landed the stripper every guy who's ever stepped into a the fact that you had a favorite Shows a little bit of trees. Yeah on you. Yeah, which I respect but you got her you got her That's pretty good. Mm-hmm, right? I mean every dude walks into a strip club finds a stripper and we think it's it's the fucking

You know the lizard brain like maybe um, maybe she really does like me every guy out there has fallen pray to it You know what I mean? And she don't take her out of there getting the car. We just drive start a new life somewhere Me and you. Yeah, it's all we need Yeah, that's crazy, man. More props to you. Let's just stop at the house and give me some clothes Put your dress like a hussy can't be wearing that at the gas station Can't be doing that in small town america, honey I'm gonna stick out like a sore thumb and Toledo. Um That's awesome, man. Fucking shout out to him. Yeah, that's great. I want to check out those wedding photos

Boss! Sugar! What'd you guys dance to? See what's up Yeah, man. That's all right. Good for him. Yeah, fucking love. That's a win. Love to see it. I respect it. Yeah I've never heard anybody actually marry. I mean, you know the date to hook up a little bit, but Landon won for good and getting her out of the game. She now owns her own small business. There you go No daddy daughter dancing that wedding That's mean Coming to the altar next sit them in

That's terrible tome. You don't know that You got a hunch. Maybe she just had the goods and wanted to shake it Which I respect. Yeah, send us some photos. What are we doing? For scientific purposes There was a couple of jeans at that wedding though. I'll tell you that and a bike or two parked out front I would imagine I'm sure motorcycle. Yeah A couple of hogs out there You think I'm at 10 speed? No, I don't know why you correct. I don't think anybody thought you meant 10 speed

There was somebody I don't think stripper to think huffy somebody in a leather vest Was that that wedding? Yeah, yeah probably Which would be the toughest of all looks. I wonder what he does He might have a couple of bucks going there throwing around get her attention Because it ain't easy to get these these strippers attention. I'll tell you what he does do Fucking get laid. Yeah kids. All right. This guy puts in work pulling strippers. Come on Probably got a unit on them too. Sure. They feel around. They look they know what's going on. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, shout out to him. What's his name? Fran Franny. I think I deleted it by accident. Uh, yeah, I believe Fran. Um, I like it All right, this one's from dr. Shrimp stick 4000 you ever tell the cab driver to pull over so you can throw up Like a gentleman, uh, I've never just puking the fucking back of the car man. Yes, that's a fucking gentleman's move I've never had to I've puked out the back door Not while moving like Because you're typically you figure in the city. So you're gonna catch the light You catch the oh, I don't like

He's like, are you okay sir? I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I just need I sneezed That last beer was all foam. That's what I that's what I tell them You got a big tap is all foam. It's I'm good. I'm good. It's to take me back You know a coke guy He's swinging through McDonald's real quick Get a little base going Little base. Yeah That's uh

Yeah, I was a puker. I have like a bad gag reflex And I would drink so much so quick and I go out for a heater and catch a hiccup and then it's fucking You're bad news I'm not that bad with the with the booze and the puking college. I drank college was bad. I drank a bottle pretty close to a bottle of pinnacle Right vodka Who you p. Diddy? Yeah, it was p. Diddy's right now. He was hamster. No, he was uh, no, he was a rock

That's a rock all in my bottle. That's what I was. I think it was soraka. Yeah, I drank a bottle for some reason for a while I was on a big vodka and grapefruit kick And after fucking 19 of them just Tough vodka pukes kill me Kill me that was when you learned as a kid you didn't know anything so you'd get oh get me a handle of vodka or whatever We'll do screwdrivers Fucking, you know 14 screwdrivers later laying off of somebody's like guest bedroom like fuck

That orange juice stings on the way up somebody's guest I can see that bed. Oh, yeah, I can see that bed. It has like like floral fall colors and like ruffles on the Yeah, yeah, there's my face on the doiler. There's no tv in there. Remember that room Oh Fuck uh-huh jammed up A clock that's wrong. Yeah It was like three degrees colder. Oh, yeah, it's over the garage or something hated those guest rooms like that. Yeah, that fucking sucked. Uh But let's see here

Uh This one's from chris new patreon dimebag tramp here. Haven't had one read What is the trashiest non swimwear to swim in? I have mine I think And it's not jeans Is it cargo pants? No

Because those are active at least don't say basketball shorts. No, that was my Beijing suit up until I don't know a few years ago Sweatpants shorts I've done it those things get heavy They're not supposed to get wet. It's like seal training Cut off jean shorts. I'll give you that's kind of uh, you know, if you're doing something in a lake or whatever your rope swinging something That's uh, there's no reason sweatpants shorts should be wet. Yeah, I got you turn into like 180 pound I'll give that to you. I would say the sweatpants short as well the cut off jean shorts, man You felt alive. I had fucking I had two or three favorite pair of cut off jean shorts that I wore

like Two months every summer. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, like we're like sophomore year junior year senior, man All right, never getting that back. Nope. Oh, it's good times a lot of dungarees that cover you now Uh, this one's from toby cam dong blowing budget. I don't I don't know. Uh Recently invested ten dollar homie is it garbage to buy cars based solely on their name? Have an uncle jimmy who for a period of time exclusively bought gmc jimmies I mean that car stinks. Yeah, I had the worst In high school my mom had the worst jimmy the bravada

Oh, yikes, dude this thing was that the wagon or the minivan. No, it was like a smaller jimmy It was that we had a white one a white what jimmy. Yeah, the jimmy was good No, they weren't they were compared to the bravada. They my dad told me they did something where the bottom was too heavy It was there was too much like axle or frame or something like that and didn't match up That car sucked balls This thing this thing stunk That's what my mom was whipping around in Yikes, yeah the bravada man straighten her out. I think it was I think it was leather in the front and cloth seats in the back

We had to have an have That's so tragic they were buying power windows in the back just holding on the driver, so That's like they were buying they would That's a bit of a tough look or you just you know where you're at when the power when the power seats only in the driver Yeah, let's let you know where you stand You're reaching through pulling the ejection seat and trying to get back Although I enjoy the bar better Because it's quicker you do the

So i'm sitting there like oh fat guy. I love that. I get it just right now I like the bar the bar. Whoo. I gotta go down a little bit a little bit lower Breathe sometimes if i'm driving and my legs start hurting I raise up the front a little bit Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's a pulmonary embolism. I think Driving in your life trying to prevent that Science behind that sure This one's from lady is it garbs you bring your own putter to minigolf? That's a tough look

You you're gonna be a real stickler about the rules Just trying to just trying to get a couple of fucking waxing and grab a twist cone. I know take it easy Watch out for that windmill slopes to the right Got a caddy Get the fucking yeah, man. You got the rangefinder out I mean, it's about three yards. If you want to talk sportsmanship It's gotta be an even playing field. You got to roll the dice with the fucking rentals I think if a kid wants to I this is how I did what I would never let

Fuck what let the kid use a good putter That we're gonna say no if they say the kid golfs if the seven-year-olds into golfing then I'd go. Yeah he wants to have fun and like Be competitive at I don't care about a kid. Yeah, I give him that all right, you know what I mean like you can do it You're a grown man though Yeah, absolutely not if you're I mean what you shouldn't be fucking Playing minigolf by yourself as a grown man. Sure if you take one with your kids That's even weirder when I go with the nieces and nephews or the cousins or whatever

I just hit it a couple of times and walk around with them Let them fucking do that shit. I'll take an eight on this one. You're at the beverage cart Give me an eight. Give me a snowman play the winter rules here kids No, it's a chili dog I just found out the twins have bowling balls. Oh, that's bad boys. Yeah. Wow. That's a tough luck I don't know. I always wanted one though. I'll tell you that I We used to hang out at the bowling alley

In summers at the Brunswick zone on Tuesdays in the summer They did dollar games and dollar beer And we like would like That's probably 21 20 to good time And you think like I get a ball whatever they're like 200. Oh, I don't know whatever, you know, and you're like, ah, one's cool, but like Never would ever pull the fucking trigger. Mm-hmm. Do they bowl that much? They've been bowling. They're putting up scores numbers

What's a bowling ball run? I don't know 200 bucks 300 bucks. Probably could be expensive I mean for a custom job About too, honey. Yeah, what about you want to get the rose put in the middle bigger in my crackin let them know rather than like jesus All right, here's what's up, jesse Have you ever contacted a major food manufacturer to get your money back for a defective or tainted product example? I once got a can of frito lay cheese dip that was separated watery when open

After filling out an extensive form on their website and submitting several photos back of the product I've received about 10 dollars worth of coupons in the mail several weeks later That sounds like something patty would do. I think I'd go to the fucking letters No, she would go right back to the grocery store and make them you make good. Fuck. Yeah, okay. Yeah That I get she's maybe returned two three things at a grocery store, but not really so much You know what I mean? Uh-huh. She makes the right choices Checks it out. Um, can't check the inside of a jar thing of cheese. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah I wasn't knows and shit on the on the question. Um, but it got me thinking

When we were kids If you sent anything to like double bubble Hey, I love your gum. But they'd send you a fucking like two cases of gum Sure, I heard I we never did that was a good time. We did that once or twice Baseball cards or something like that. They send you a little something something. No, we never got The mail to me as a kid You you you thought you had to get like authorization. I'm like mom. Can we mail? I what are you talking about? No, like We know I never mailed. I never said anything your letters to Santa Claus

Yeah It was like they didn't like people knowing your head smaller It's good. I can't do it. Best I can best I can do is a basketball I feel like my parents never Wanted people like knowing where we live. It was like don't let anybody know nothing about nothing That's that's what gave me my paranoia It'd be nice people would call. I'm not here. Who is it? Don't answer It'd be nice if they would have sent her the actual things the coupons is one thing

But I don't hate that to be honest with you That's a fun thing. You throw it out there in a couple weeks later. You forget about it. Oh, I'll give you that kick the can down there But that uh, yeah, I don't know just not a coupon guy either And only just because I dealt with so many crazy coupon people when I was a cashier at the supermarket That was when extreme couponing dropped. So it was like every fucking joe schmo thought they were like, you know flipping houses Like, you know what I mean? I'll be all I could do that. Everybody was coming in with Manufacturer coupons store coupons. Yeah. Hey, we have to double we match any

Manufacturer coupon up to a dollar. This one didn't double like fucking k. I go was a nickel. I'll give you the neck Keep him Did you get in trouble for that? Yeah, I got in trouble for a lot of stuff. Yeah, I just told you I was ripping people off of gutters too I wasn't playing by no somebody came in and it was a nickel and you said I'll give you the neck It was like 35 cents difference or I was like, ah, this is ringing up a dollar It should be 75 cents. I go. What is it a quarter? I was jammed. I was like Thanksgiving day or something You probably you probably the sandwich getting cold somewhere

I had to go get my soft pretzels with the bakery Uh, we got to wrap it up though gang gang. What a fun episode. We'd love you to death. We're out there on the road Tickies are moving quick. I'm gonna tell you that right now You snooze you lose just do yourself a favor grab some ticks bring the squad and come out and see us We love you to death and we will see you next week. Peace