Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ian Fidance Answers Your Questions! #4

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with old pal Ian Fidance to answer your questions! We talk sleeping with your pets, pick up trucks, and doing laundry on vacation. Its a fun one! Thanks for listening!  PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://GetRoman.com/Garbage https://kushydreams.com  https://Stereo.com/kevinryan Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?    

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's a show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're group classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here, Aunt Toody's basement.

Spring has sprung. Yeah. And it's beautiful outside. I wanted to report to you guys. I know you were concerned about her. Aunt Toody has the vaccine. I heard. I saw her walking on her hot pants earlier too.

She does. She has the vaccine. She's not taking it, but she is selling it. Great. She's got a couple of doses to move. So if you know her, hit her up. She might be able to straighten you out a little bit. My co-host.

He's getting more and more fucking deadpan. That got dark. It's such a letterman. That got dark. My co-host is coming at you unamused. Oh, I like him. I love him. To my left.

He's the CEO of Are You Garbage, international man of mystery, international businessman. He's got his skate gear on today, which I don't know who he murdered and had to change in a Walmart. What's up, bros? You are not. This is not, I don't know if you're a clone or what happened. This is Off Saks Fifth Avenue. Off Off Saks.

Yeah. Off Saks. On 6th Avenue. This is not Off 9th Avenue. That's Kippy, Kevin, James, Ryan, gang. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes and the top 200 over there

or a little review will help the bullies out. Also, full video available on YouTube. I don't know if you've seen those numbers, but they're true to fucking roof down you. Through the what? True to roof. Let's go. Get him going. We can always add another level.

And then, of course, keep it moving. Of course, for the big boys. Patreon.com. Are You Garbage? You can sign up. You get bonus content. You get bonus episodes of AYG. You get episodes of Heart Feelings, which is the fucking smash hit of the year, the

blockbuster hit of the year. Those Heart Feelings. We got them. You want them. Let's quit screwing around. It's me and Foley. Just me and Foley chopping it up. And then also, we do a live stream every month.

Maybe one or two live streams a month with our top tier Patreon members where you ask us questions. It's a good fucking time. Good time. Getting involved, baby. Getting involved. We love you guys very much. Thank you for all the support.

A nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire on special right now, two golden brown English muffins, slice of American cheese, and a big old Zazic. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen. Yeah. What up? T-Bone. Dude, we're fucking vaxxed, waxed, and ready to suck some sack, dude. Yeah, let's do it.

We're all jacked up. The team's all fucking vaxxed up that, yo. The team's all vaxxed up. We're ready to go. Ready to come to your town. Little foreshadowing. Little foreskin, if you keep up. Not a little.

Gang, this is a fucking family episode. All right. And we have one of our absolute favorites. Third time guest here. This guy, he's the fucking Paul Simon of RU Garbage. Hey, all right. Thank you, Art. We just finished doing his amazing podcast last week with Zach and Miko called by guys.

Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gal, gang, gang, gang gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, go natural gang dije loving gang gang gang gang Everybody else is ashamed. Me and Biden baby. Ian Finance ladies and gentlemen. Hey, thank you for having me fellas. Thanks for coming back. I don't know why you turned so corporate all of a sudden. I'm kind of regretting it. I don't know why. Hey, thank you for having me. Shout out T-Bone. Good to be here sponsored by Marlboro. Ah, Marlboro lights his keys are on the table. Some half-drunk iced coffee. Yeah. I was regretting asking as soon as you walked into there with the bike. Spilled it in my helmet. Let's go. Let's do this. Oh, helmet coffee holder. Let's go. You're a guy that has a lot of stuff all the time. Always. Let's, let's, let's jump into something quickly that we've been wanting to do. Empty your, what's in your pockets? I already got them on the table. I see, you got some clips in there. I see some other stuff. Fucking bandana. Cheetah paper. What are you in the fucking? Not one pen but two in case it runs out of ink. Oh my God. Light for the cigarettes. I'm, I'm groomed and ready for doom.

He's got a dog comb. And I got my wallet, which is just a rubber band. With Nicarac gum on it. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. That's right. What's the, what's the show card there? What's the big bill on the end? Just a little hammy baby. But that hides the hundo's dog. You got, you do have hundreds on you. See that says you're a weasel. A gentleman puts the hundred on the outside. No, because you don't want to take this out and have someone see it and think you got money. They run the rest of your pockets and find a fucking moustache. Give me a 20 and a comb. And I go, no, I got a comb. What are you fucking Ethel from Brooklyn? No, you don't do that though, Rob. You got so many spaces for things. You got nothing in your pockets. This is a show jacket. My show jacket. You also said that everything was on the table and then pulled out a clown's car or a shit. Rubber chicken, whoopee cushion, handcuffs, Chinese finger trap. You get too close. You might get burned. You're that guy too. You rig the lighter. So it's, so it's bigger. Oh my God. What are you showing off in the arcade? Who are you impressing with that? No one. Just myself, you know. Go by the elementary school. Come here, man. You want to come over? I'll show you the rig of lighter. Here we go. That's the trashiest move where you can't even do it. Ready? You might melt your rings. Don't do it. It's soldered to my finger. Man, you are like goober. You really are. Nice to see you. And you're a big bike guy too. You got the bike out, spring sprung. You're excited, huh?

Big bike out, sprung. I'm on the bike. I'm pedaling and meddling, baby. Something's gooky about this. I don't trust it. I don't like it. They took an extra dose of goofballs. They took a piggy back at Goofy's. Thank you for coming in. Thank you for sitting with us. Family episode, as you know, gang, when you sign up for Patreon, we will ask your question on the air. We're going to have a fun time here with Ian today. Why a black bandana? You're such a weird, why do you have car keys? What are those keys? It's my car key. It's my keys to my apartment and my bike keys. What kind of apartment you got, Nissan? What the fuck? Who's got apartment keys like that? This guy lives in a Saturn. This is for my chain lock. This is for the front door. This is for the my apartment door. And this is a key to my friend's apartment in Seattle. I didn't get back. You never know what I'm going to be in the neighborhood. What keys? I made dinner. Do you have a storage unit? You look like a storage unit guy.

You look like you live in a storage unit. I have a bunch of stuff. You don't have any storage anywhere? Do you have anything stored at your mom's in the garage? Yeah, I have stuff at my mom's house, but nothing like that. I would need a storage unit. I think there's like a box of dummies. Who is he? Jeff Dunham? Just like a racist pirate or something? A TSA agent? That's what I imagined, man. I got my racist pirate. Hard R. Hard R. I think this is a reasonable. That's too much. That's too much. Don't you have a backpack too? You're a backpack. I don't have a backpack. What's in the jacket pocket? You got more in there? This is where my smoke's going and my mask is in the other pocket. I usually have a fanny pack when I ride, but that's got my bike gear in in case I get a flat. That's got your what in it? Your bike gear? Yeah, like a tube and a little canister to blow up the tire if I get a flat.

Really? That was my biggest fear during COVID. It wasn't getting COVID. It was riding my bike and the bike breaking down and getting eaten alive by the homeless. Here comes what I beat. Run! No! Come on, Jerry, I gave you a dollar yesterday. Two space Jenkins, take the bike. Yeah, I thought it was going to be the Warriors trying to get home. I'm scared shit. Take an Uber. What are you doing? Take an Uber during the pandemic at the beginning of April when we thought we had to wash an avocado for eight hours. You think I'm getting in a car with a stranger? Fuck you. That was real fucking nervous at the beginning of it. Oh, dude, I know. I wouldn't even look. If people were walking down my block, I was like, yo, keep it moving. Well, even now, when I smoke in the street, I don't have a mask on. I'm in the middle of the street, so I'm not near people and people give me this death stare.

Yeah, you're in the middle of the street. My finances out again. Please stop coming near me, sir. We're police. We're here to help you. Stay away. I burned myself so I don't get COVID. I'll burn it. You must have been a real cookie. Those first couple of fucking weeks. Oh, you kidding me, bro? It was fucking, I mean, I was in prison. Cats completely shaved.

It's for your own good, Mr. Mittens. Don't worry. Dude, you made me laugh so hard. It was like March 16th and you had a boneless, just empty shell of a chicken. You go, we ate the cat. Premature move, if you ask me. Well, I was fucking dying, dude, on Instagram. Holy shit. We got the roto. That was on the love affair with the roto hit back. Dude, I was so afraid of going places. My laundry mat shut down. I washed everything in my tub. I was just like, uh, living on the prairie, washing things in the tub. I'm going to my roommates. I'm like, I got soap if you need it.

They're like, nobody would. They were in the tub at the time. Hey, I'm trying to shower. I gotta go to work. Trying to use his abs. You have to make the best of it here, you know. Come here, Terry. Oh, man, dude, Ian is a fucking whore. What do you want? I mean, he was...

Come here, Terry. Give me a toenail. Hungry, kick out of the star. I mean, you were screwballs before this all happened. You think this was good for me? No! It's a fucking nightmare. And I tried to quit smoking the first two weeks, so I'm losing my fucking mind. I see that work, the niggard gum and the Marlboro lights. God, I was fucking patching it going, the sig at the same time.

It's the only way I can get high. So I fucking was going nuts, you know, it was a fucking mess. We were all a mess, right? Right now. It is weird, though, to think back to this time last year. You know what I mean? I was at the grocery store. I was all right. When it was hitting, I was like, oh, it was going to be a while, two weeks?

You know, and then it just fucking wouldn't end. Then now everything's going to be fine. It's wild. Keep telling yourself that. I like that. It's a good positive attitude. You don't think things are going to be okay? No, of course. I think everything's going to be great. Things are opening back up here, man. We're fucking light at the end of the tunnel, baby. Yeah, I'm saying that anyway. I'm saying I'm like whatever.

I found out I was getting the vaccine. I was like, oh, I'm good. I was just like making out with people. Dude, you fucking hit it right. You went down to the shore at the beginning of this. Oh, yeah. What the hell are you talking about? I thought you were going to be talking about how I obtained my vaccine, which, by the way, is the fucking lip sealed. Stop the show.

Sucked it out of your hoodie. Let me just say it. Foley, did you get the vaccine? What did they give it to you with? A heart bone? You did that before the show. It worked better now. But I still didn't know what you were doing. You set it up.

You set it up like you were fucking Megan McCain. Henry. He said that like he was in a vaccine commercial for old people. I think I was talking to Jeffrey Gurion for a second. So I heard you getting the vaccine. I was at my favorite podcast jumping around. He's my favorite, man. I love him.

He's the kindest dude in the world. The best. Literally the best. I can look through his Instagram for fucking hours upon hours. It's good stuff. I did. I got the vaccine. Got the Johnson and Johnson fucking rockin' and rollin'.

Nice. Yeah. Good for you. What did you get? Kippy. Schmeiser. Yeah. I got to go back and get my second dose.

I heard you get sick after the second. It's like 24 hours. I don't know. I'm all right now. Well, we're all going to be fine right back at you. Hey, thanks for literally updating it. Hey, Cuomo, relax. It's going to tow me with the weather.

Jesus Christ. How about a feel-good story before the break, huh? I heard you get real sick after that one. Speaking of feel-good, Cuomo's in the news. Feelin' him up. Ah, guys, a little handsy word on the street, huh? Everything that's happened to him, it just sounds like he's old and Italian. He's just like, hey, you haven't been with an older man?

Say hi to your mother, huh? How you doin'? Why? He cuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm uncomfortable. He's old creepo, for sure. Yeah.

Good stuff. There's no fucking business here. Enough goofing around. Yeah. You want to put your fucking, this isn't fucking county lockup. Put your shit away. Yes, it was in my pockets, and now you're giving me shit for it? My bag.

Huh? Here, take a 10. Go beat somebody. Huh? Here's a 20 for you. Shut the fuck up. I'm surprised. See, he didn't let go of the 20.

He threw the 10. Get the bag. When it came to a fucking dog. If you could, please give me the hammy back. Thank you. No, stick to it for the bit. A yank? I'll need an invoice for that.

I'm going to need a receipt, please. It's fake money. All right. Let's get into some questions. Hang on one second. I'm sorry to know. No, of course. Why do you have, how much money do you have on you?

I don't know. Just enough to. You just worked this weekend, too. So you probably got cashed up by a tell. I got cashed. I got cashed. A tell is a cash kind of guy. Oh, big time.

He's old school. We got to get him on here, by the way. Put in a good word. He invited you. I have. All of them right now. I have. Don't worry.

It's a big no. So you got, so that's why you have cash on you. Now what? You go to the bank and no deposit or will you just let the, will you use that cash until it's gone? No, he uses it to start up a game of three card monty. Is that true? So Henry, I.

Also, Toby was fucking killing last episode. Everybody's like, Toby's the best. Toby's the best. Big old zilch on that one. Toby made a stinkies. The secret to my powers is that I can cut that out. And he's right back. Woo, back on top.

Back with Toby on the, oh, Toby on the weather. All right. Let's, did you want to grill him on money? Do you want to ask me? Yeah. Do you want to see my taxes? What do you want? You don't typically roll with cash.

I tip you're more like a bottles and cans kind of guy. When I was spot pay all the time, I was rolling in cash. I'll let that one breathe. When you were getting spot pay, you always had cash on you. I've never seen you with money to be honest with you in your hand. You're just recently started having your own SIGs on board. Yeah. Always had my own.

And they're hard pack too. You used to be a soft pack guy. No, I had to get it from my deli. Nine bucks a pack. I talked them down. What's up? Do you really? Are they New York?

No, they're Virginia. They are Virginia. I know. I don't know the spots. 16 in Manhattan, 9 in my neighborhood. Yeah, my neighborhood, my neighborhood's 10. And they let you do credit for it too, which has been at us too. What?

With the illegal SIGs, they fly under the radar. Well, they don't put it down as cigarettes. Well, you need to find my guy. He's an 11-year-old Yemenese boy. He's really something. Hey, boss, what do you want? Should he be at school? Please, I know.

You always see that. They play it real fast and loose. He's smoking. He has the attitude like he's 45. Dude, he's straight up to the top. Hey, fucking, how much is a pack of batteries? Jesus Christ, boy. Yeah, a lot of life experience for 11.

I know. Well, when you're dodging bombs, your life is going to kind of age you, you know? What? We bomb Yemen. I thought Brooklyn was being gentrified. It's terrible. None of Ian's comments are anyway associated with, are you garbage-aged fully enterprises or the Toby McMuffin?

What are you, hanging me out to dry? What the fuck? I'm here to bite this bullet of this fucking loose cannon. Woo! I said what I said. All right, let's go. Let's give this some fucking Q&As here, huh? Okay, that was pretty funny.

You just said this one's from Terry T-Bone, a.k.a. T-Bone Steak. I don't know if that's an homage to T-Bone McMuffin. Or it's an alternative to Goddamn copyright infringement if he asked me. Yeah. But you just did it. Have you or the boys ever done the Ric Flair Nature Boy woo in public? Yes. Yeah, that's a fucking trash bag movie.

What the fuck? How else do you celebrate stuff? You slap someone in the chest and you woo. And go blow a guy up. What is that? Why not? You were a big WWF kid growing up. When I was younger.

You were a little kid by yourself. Yeah. In high school. Putting your mom in a headlock. In high school I convinced everyone to go to SmackDown and everyone's like, all right, we're going. I was the only one that brought a sign. What'd your sign say?

I don't know. It was like, Stone Cold. Stone Cold, I'll blow you. Hang out with me. I did the same thing. I went to something. I made a sign, too. Yeah.

I went to WrestleMania in Philly. So did I. Back in 99. Yeah, me, too. I cried when DX broke up. Remember that? Yeah. I was a big DX guy.

Yeah. How could you not be going around? Suck it. Suck it. Yeah. I got in trouble for that. Yeah. Dude, we used to wrestle at recess.

Oh, yeah. And I'll never forget this kid. Just Stone Cold. Like, throat on shoulder. And everyone's like, I think Sonny's dead. Woo! He went to school with a kid named Sonny. Oh, yeah.

Hold on. His name was Sonny as an elementary school child. His nickname was Sonny. That's what everyone called him. His real name was Patrick. How'd he get Sonny? I don't know. Was he a wise guy?

What the fuck? He wanted to be, yeah. He wanted to be at one. I'm going to give him a stunner, a stunner. Sonny two stunts. Yeah, dude, that was big. I had the DX shirt that I bought at WrestleMania, I believe. Oh, yeah.

It was like a fucking, it went through the wash. Oh, dude. The whole fucking saying immediately. I went to a buddy's bachelor party in 2019 at SmackDown. Or no, Monday Night Raw. Really? Get him in the podcast. Yeah.

This is some trash. I mean, that's what I'm talking about. It was fucking awesome. For a bunch of sober people. What was the wedding of CFL game? What the fuck is that? That's the fucking shittiest thing. Holy shit.

It ruled, dude. You see the juggernauts playing? It's the sharks. I don't even know what you guys are talking about. Who's DMX? What the fuck are you talking about? Old bitch. You remember DX?

He's old. 99. I was on the run. What are you talking about? Yeah. I was on the move. Is DX a Percocet? DX80?

You shop at DXL. DX Pharmaceuticals. Very good company. Hang on a second there, gang. I want to talk to you real quick. I know you've heard the old expression. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Well, I got a new one for you.

If it is broke. Yeah. Fix it. Oh, baby. Especially if it's in the boudoir or the bedroom, as the Americans say. And I got news for you, gang. What's that? Your friends at Roman can help.

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Can't get enough. Here's the real feel. It's absolutely fantastic. As you know, my journey with CBD has started beginning of the pandemic. I took some drops, whatever, but Cushy with the flower and the fucking flavor and it hit you instantly. Yeah. And not that it really hit you. You instantly begin to feel relaxed.

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usually Thursdays at 9 o'clock. Come by and hang out with us. It's a good time, guys. There's a lot of good shows on Stereo. We're there. We're answering your garbage questions live on the live stream. You get to send it in. We answer it.

It's a good time. I have a couple of pops. I let my hair down. Poppin' Eddie. Enjoy myself. Fantastic. It's a good way for you guys to get involved with the show and for us to answer your garbage questions.

So you go to www.stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash H Foley. Link will be in the description. We get to wet our little beak. We get to wet our beak a little. It's a good time. See you there. Now back to the show. Oh, man.

Great question. Next one is another fucking homerun. This is from Kim Hightower. Do any women in your family drive a pickup truck as their main vehicle? Yeah. No. No. That's a tough one.

We do have a pickup truck, but not the main vehicle. Who does? Your mom? We do. Yeah. Who's my dad when it comes to? We kept it. And then we had it for like camping and stuff.

And then it was like my work truck for years. You still have it? It's a Ford F-150. You still have it? Mm-hmm. It's only got like 42,000 miles on it. I'm surprised you're a two-car family. Mm-hmm.

Why? I mean, the obvious. Dirtball. Also, I mean, someone had to pass away for him. We have two cars and then four on the lawn. No tires on those. We have four cars, three tires. Did you ever try to sell a car and put it out on the front lawn when you park it on the

side? No. All showroom style? I didn't live on a barn. I fucking live in a neighborhood. Dude, I did that when I tried to sell the Montego before I moved up here. By the way, I got in an accident on my way here. I was trying to sell the Montego to get a couple of bucks to move up to New York and follow

my dream of being a... Oh, I remember when you fucking put that out on the lot. Yeah. I put it so my buddy... My buddy... Are you fucking right on the windshield? No. My buddy lived in like a high traffic intersection and I just put it in his front yard.

No offers at all. Dude, OBO is the... OBO. Who else will sell? I'll take anything. What do you got on here? You got a shoe? 25 grand, OBO.

It's always trashy if you're trying to sell your own car. It's always a tough look. I don't understand it. What's the legality behind that? You just got to transfer the title. Yeah, that's it. Transfer the title and then you take... Don't you have to be a licensed person to sell a car or something like that?

No. That just seems shifty. It's not Percocet. Did you go to school to sell this car, sir? Did you pay a licensing fee? I'll need to see some sort of degree. Yeah. No, dude.

You just sell the car and transfer the title. Okay. I know people that sell their cars to their kids for like a dollar. They just transfer the title. Hmm. Yeah. What kind of whip does your mom drive, by the way? I was curious.

Ford... F-350. No, no. Toyota Highlander. It's diesel. No, a Toyota... She drives a big foot. Highlander.

Nothing on that big foot that you're gonna kill. That's if Folly's gonna lose. The high beanies took my big foot. More of a grave digger kind of guy. It's also... Yeah, also he's gonna need a grave digger after he loses his big foot. And he's gonna die on a Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. You're gonna want to bring the kids to the funeral.

Two for one. Undertaker will be there. Woo! And scene. You gotta stop coming in like this. It's fucking giggling like a couple of kids. I know. Got business to do.

Also, I don't know if we said when you joined the Patreon, we'll ask your question. I think we just got into it. I mentioned that. I plugged it up top. Okay. Who knows with you anymore? I know. I'm the fucking loose cannon.

You're a fucking cannonball. Jesus. I can do a cannonball. I bet you can. Clear the pool out. You guys mind if I practice my cannonball? Yes! You look like the kind of kid that you were probably mean to the fat kid.

No. You weren't making fun of the fat kid at the pool with his shirt on? No. Hey, look at Barney over there. No way. I was too busy fucking being scared of everyone making fun of me. For what? I had buck teeth from here to Toby.

Are you kidding me? His hairline. Yeah. Who was five years old with his hairline? I used to have gorgeous curls. Oh my God. I remember Yamanica said you have the hairline of a rattlesnake. Which is the funniest insult ever.

Jesus Christ. The hairline of a rattlesnake. Woo. Man, we used to have a good time. Oh, those group chats with the memes? Yeah. Dude, when memes dropped in the group chat for the first time, it was a game shape. I remember I was by Harold Square and I couldn't get on the train.

I was the same way. Ben over laughing. I was on break at work and I remember we all had to agree to stop. Oh my God. We were like, good time. Good time. All right. This one's from Tyler.

I think both of you do this. Sleeping with your pets. Trashy or classy? Why is it trashy? I don't think it's classy. I don't know. Do you mind the hair, the smell, the dirt, the poop? I know we came into by guys last week.

I didn't say anything. But you had more cat hair on your fleece hoodie than a fucking Petco. You were talking about it. Well, you know, it's a lot to take care of cat hair. I fucking drew the roller. She fights back. What do you want? No.

Dude, he's been doing the same way in the morning. Who? Who? The cat? I remember. My roommate. No, my cat. We're talking about bats, you stupid asshole.

I'm talking about cat hair. I didn't want to hear the fucking day-to-day. You should have heard what he did this morning. No, it goes back to the question. I don't want to hear about Mr. Whiskers. He's whining and I let him in the room and all he wants to do is just lay next to me and cuddle. His name is Samson.

Show some respect. Put some respect on his name. My cat, Kim Kardashian. Here's classy or trashy. Do you put blankets on your couch because of the dogs or like sheets on the couch? Put sheets. My mom put sheets. Especially in the summer.

And to go back to the question, I apologize. It's fucking real garbage, but I would never want it any other way. That's 90% of why I have the pet so I can snuggle with it. I want nice snuggles. Yeah. Absolutely. You know what you have a girlfriend for? Yeah.

But it's different. It's me, mommy, and baby in the bed. And baby gets a little blanket over her. She makes my skin crawl. And if I go, if I happen to go to my parents without her, you know, if she's not coming or whatever, the girl, the golden retriever is always sleeping with me. Daisy's coming right up the bed and we're snuggling all night. Yeah.

Absolutely. What kind of psychopath doesn't want to snuggle with her pet? I just, I think it's, did you grow up without pets? I grew up with pets. I grew up with pets. He did, but he didn't. I had multiple dogs. They lived next door.

It was weird. I don't know what you're talking about. Did dogs live next door? Like, parents that don't get along? He paints this picture that I didn't have pets. I had pets all growing up. I had pets until junior high, high school, junior high. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you walk it and feed it and all that kind of stuff? No, the butler did. Yeah, I fucking walked it, you asshole. Also, we had a yard we put him in. I don't know. It just doesn't seem like you had, you don't, you don't strike me as like a snuggly cozy pet guy. Right.

He was a grown man who talks to his cat. He did a baby. He did a little sticky. He did a baby. She is a little stinky. Oh my God. Yeah. Could you not be a stinky big?

So embarrassing to do to a cat. So embarrassing. A dog. I'm not doing it in front of her friends. What are you talking about? Yeah. Again, I'm doing a tour. You're doing in front of a podcast for the tens of thousands of people.

They don't know the cat. I'm not doing a tour at work or something like that. Do you have a cat and a dog? No, I have a cat. My parents have a dog. Oh, okay. What's the cat's name? Majora.

You can leave. What's your cat's name? Samson. Sam's David Bowie. David Tell. Starbot. Majora. Majora.

Yeah. You ever go to Labia? No. I've heard the material, though. Thank you. You've never seen it. I've heard about it. I'd see magazines.

Hope to see you one day. I have special movies where I see it. Oh, man. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it.

I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. Oh, man. So you think it's trashy to snuggle with a pet? He doesn't like that shit. He's a cold, crude individual.

There's no affection there. I'm pure affection. I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, you're looking through me right now. I was looking down the barrel on a camera. This guy's got a cold bed stare. I love human content. By the way, your knee's touching my knee.

Not happy about it. I know. You got the Jimmy leg, too. You're all over the place. People are complaining that the table jiggles every time you talk. I have to bring some iron workers, some tin knockers in here

to reinforce this fucking thing. While you're home fucking rolling around with the cat, I'm in here fucking with a pack welder, OK? Jesus Christ, breaking my balls over affection. Cleaning up all the broken furniture that you leave in your wake. It's like in Gilbert Grape when they had to reinforce the floor downstairs.

They had to do a binder match. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I had to put an extra security deposit down here. Will he be taking the elevator? No. I just think it's, I don't know. It's just dirt.

I don't know. As I got older, it's just dirty. I don't know. The smell, the hair. It's just not for me. It's dirty if you're in the city. I get that it's your pet. And you don't wash your pet's paws from being outside.

Then it's dirty. Are you doing that every day? You're not washing your pet's paws every day. I mean, when I had a dog. I wash my paws every day. By the way, I saw it falling with boogers on them five minutes before you came in here. I'd put all these, all these hands aren't clean.

His fucking dog and cats are approaching. I told you it was glue. Yeah. My cat's very clean. Wait, wait, wait. You said it was glue? Yeah. And on your face?

I don't want to tell you where it was. It's on the tip of your microphone. Yeah. It was in your area. Laugh it up, douchebag. It's Elmer's. Yeah. He goes, oh, it's glue for my phone.

I'm like, well, all of a sudden, your phone's a glue factor? You got glue on your phone? My blood sugar was low. It wasn't my best lie. I'm not fucking nominated for a critic's tuition. Ew, is that it? What is that? No.

That's a semen. That's Majora juice. When I was petting the dog, one thing led to another. That reminds me. When we were kids, I was talking about this this week. When we were kids, we convinced this dog, our buddy's dog was humping our other friend. And we were like, hey, dogs can't come.

He's like, oh, this thing's going to come on me. We're like, dude, dogs can't come. And we're like, he's like, what? We're like, yeah, the female comes. And he's like, all right. So we were like, just doing it as a, dude, this thing. The dog had its balls? Yeah.

Wow. Just red rocket. Lucky Lucy. I forget what it was. Dude, this thing got red. He did. All over him. Dude, to try to live that down as an eighth grader ain't easy.

He got come down by a dog. Did he go to a different school? How'd he survive? Yeah, that was a tough look for him. Did they end up getting married? It was also one of, like we made fun of him, but it was also one of those things that was like, we were like, you felt bad after a while.

You're like, all right, man. We've just been crushing this dude. I mean, you got to become like, you just got to start punching people. Oh, yeah. There's no way you can like live that down without just fighting. What kind of dog was it?

It was like a poodle. Damn. Lucky. I forget it's fucking me. Fluffy. Fluffy. Oh, he got come down by a dog named Fluffy. Yeah.

It was like a little white poodle, like one of those big with the poof haircuts. Not like the weird European, not like the tall skinny one. It was like a short little, I don't know, fucking something, short little horn balls. I don't know.

I had a couple of drinks in a month. He was all revved up. I know that much. Had his little lipstick out too. Seeing that for the first time as a kid, man, that blew your hair back. You seen your dog's dick. You got to do a double take.

You're like, hey, this guy's fucking packing heat. And it was always someone else who pointed it out to you. Someone that would be like, look. I know. You'd be like, goo. Did you ever see the dogs that just have like a quarter of it hanging out all the time?

Like, dude, what are you doing? Read a book or something? Just running around with a push pop. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, dude, take it fucking, you know. Looking like this lighter. Yeah.

Take a shower or something. The North Americans ready to go. God damn it. Oh, that was the dog breed. I didn't know what you were talking about. The North American ready to go. Sounds like a fucking, sounds like a bad football team.

Oh, man. That was, that was bad all around it. Cut that out. The North American ready to go. Ooh. You two didn't keep it in the air either. I didn't know that got shot down like duck hunt. That was a system failure right there.

We got to reboot. Norent shot out of the air. That's a fucking week long callback for the listener. We did that. We did that a week ago being awful. Last week fully snore ended up. Everything snore. What do you, what do you snore at?

What do you snore at? All right. These are just fucking boncos. Oh shit. Boncos. I think I got boogers on me now. I think about it. If not, I got you.

All right. This is from Fart Van de Lea. Have you ever gone out to eat with your friends and only ordered water knowing that they wouldn't finish their food and you'll get to have their leftovers? You would think I'd say yes, but no. Really? No.

I paid you. I saw that one. I said I'm saving this for Ian. No. No way. No. You got to do the water at like Burger King or something and then you get a soda.

I don't even do that. That's too, yeah. I can't do that. You've never done that in gone. Can I just get a cup for water? Maybe once. It's not worth the anxiety of getting called out. I'll give you the dollar 19.

I got the cash on me. Absolutely. I just said I wouldn't go. I used to hate that shit when I was a kid. I wasn't going anywhere. And the people would try to pressure you to go, just come. I'll get you something and you get there and they fucking make a big deal.

I would go, but I wouldn't eat. No way. I wouldn't order anything. But I'm not getting a water. I'm just here to smoke. Yeah. Yeah. That makes you weird.

I always made everything uncomfortable. The one person that wasn't eating. Wait, was that guy's name Fart Vanderlei? Fart Vanderlei. Pretty good. Oh, no. No. I apologize.

Fart Vandergay. Wow. I stand corrected, my friend. What do you think? You can't get any better. Very nice. Yeah, I know. That's a fantastic name.

All right. This is from John Beale. Have you ever put a glass of milk back in the fridge? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I can't do that. I had a roommate that did that. He would drink a half of soda or whatever and then put it

in the fridge. What? What's wrong with that? In the bottle? No, and it can. What's so bad about that? So what? The air's gone.

You come back. No. What? You're nuts. If you come back two weeks later, if you come back. Put your hand on it and give it a little shake. It's not bad. What?

You never done that? No. You're a fucking gentleman. No. You put it back in the fridge. Who drinks half a can of soda? I'll tell you. Flat Coke tastes good.

Flat Coke does. Flat soda does taste good, especially when you're real thirsty. Yes. Good night. Yep. In the middle of the night, you get a little sweetness. Oh, across the bottom of a fucking two liter of ginger ale has been in there for a couple of weeks.

You guys are fucking animal. People are giving me the hard no over there. There's a hotel room over the weekend. Who can't finish it? Unless a Dr. Pepper on the nightstand drank it in the morning. I'm not saying I haven't done it, but I don't fucking do it. I'm not going out of my way. I'll warm back their pepper first thing in the morning.

Can't beat it. You ever do that? You wake up in the night. Who needs a smoothie, huh? You just need sugar or something? You do the late night scoop of peanut butter? Yeah. Woo.

Usually you're stalking the rooftops of New York in a craze. You don't eat in the middle of the night, do you? What? You're not waking up to eat. Not children or anything like that. I don't know what you're insinuating here. You're waking up in the middle of the night to eat. He doesn't even go to sleep.

He's just up all night eating. I'm like a shark. I just keep slowly moving around. Yeah, if he stops moving, he'll die. He's constantly predator. Do you keep food next to the bed? I keep a pork chop in my- Shut up.

I don't fucking keep food next to my bag. If I get a hankering for a T-bone. Who do you think I have a fucking dessert cart next to me or something? He's got a cardboard box of mice that he feeds on it. Every hour, all in the hour. The towel's sticking out of the mouth. I have one of those pie things in a diner. I think if it wasn't for your girlfriend, you would keep food in the bed.

To closer. Next to the radio, hit a snooze, have a chip. Hit the snooze, have a chip. There's a refrigerator in the hallway. The cords pulled as far as it came. He's got candy bars in the bed frame like heavy weights. Oh, God. Now, dude, now.

Surprising. What were we talking about? What was the question? I don't even remember. Have you- Oh, go out to eat and don't order. I had a buddy that did it religiously. We'd be like, my buddy flip.

That's no shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't that kid. I had a lot of shame. Yeah, same here. I would spend my last three bucks to not look like an asshole. Yeah. Get the mozzarella sticks or something.

You know what I mean? Keep up appearances. I would go hang out but not pay. Because I eat like sometimes I'm just not hungry. I would just go to hang out and not eat. But we used to go to- Oh, this is trash. For team, we used to go to a diner called the ranch house.

Even the way you said that, the ranch house. You order coffee and if you'd ordered like food. So we get the cheapest thing, which was like potatoes. Or what's it? Home fries. We just get home fries, coffee and cigarettes and eat that. Always had money for a little bit of home fries. At 14.

I'll take a baked potato please. Real cool kid. Yeah. When did you start smoking? Cigarettes? Yeah. Not until after high school. Really?

Yeah, I mean maybe a couple in high school. That's surprising. That's about it. Wow. I was probably 12, 13. I was 12, yeah. Fifth grade probably. 12, quit, start again, 13, 14, quit.

Then again, 21, full steam ahead. Man. Like Pat, you had your own packs. No, I stole them. From who? My mom. What'd she smoke? True blue.

Remember those silver box? Sure sure. Yeah. They had the thing inside. Didn't they have the little different kind of filter? Yes. It was like a circle with a little. Yeah, it looked like a peace sign.

Oh my God, I've never felt close to you in my entire life. Jesus Christ. You start crying. Mama. I don't look so bad right now. Mama. God damn. True.

I'm glad you're smoking again. I got to get off it. It's bad. It's bad. It's tough. I got to get off it. I'm trying to get off it. Why can't you say that to somebody?

You should. Misery loves company. Yeah. There's nothing better. I'm sad you quit. I'm glad you're back on the heroin. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing better than going outside, especially if they're a pod, having a Bernie,

letting the fucking, you know, let me adrenaline come down off the bike, earning it. Smoking three to make up for lost time. It's a disease, people. It's a disease. This is from Andrew. Has anyone in your family ever owned a can crusher? No. No.

They're kind of a new thing. No, they're not. I used to go to kids' houses and you step on it. And that was always fun. Yeah. You see, if you stepped on it in one shot, you know, what you used to always do too was if you had a juice box, you'd blow it up as much as you could and then pop it. I was huge.

Shout out to High C. They knew what they were doing. Man. If there was one thing my dad did right. He did a lot of things wrong, but if there was one thing he did right was keep the house stock with High C. Orange and fruit punch. Dude.

High C. Orange will fucking twist your eyeballs back. Dude, in the juice box, it was better out of the juice boxes than it was the jug. Sure. He tried pulling the jug sometimes. I was like, you, you, you old man, go back to the jug. Always a box. Sometimes they would.

You know what we had? We had the can. The fucking. Oh yeah. You actually had to open it. Remember that? Dude. One of those things open.

When the cold air really got through in the fridge. I could feel the chemicals in it. Oh man. So you took it in a can. Would you cover it with saran wrap? No. Let it rock. You got to let it breathe like a nice fucking red.

My mom would pour it into a, into a pitcher. Oh, we went straight can. Back in the fucking. Just left it in there. Damn. That's not good enough. That's how you get. Eight year old with a can.

Like it's fucking schlitz. Yeah. It was a big, it was like a big like cork. You don't know. You know those things? Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. We got to do two of them because there was some kind of. That's fucking bomb shelter shit. It is. Yeah. It is. We didn't know what was happening. You weren't supposed to leave him.

That's how you got like Legionnaires disease or something. Maybe that's what happened to my hairline. I'm going to, I'm going to sue big, big juice. Legionnaires. It's leaving there. Thanks for coming by. It was fun. See you guys later.

Have a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So this is from. We're a hero. Talk to me. First time on Patreon. What was your favorite after school snack or snack combinations if there was multiple as a child. Well, I'm going to get home around three o'clock. Dim the lights.

I'm changing to my street clothes. Did you wear a uniform to school? Yeah. You went to public school. Yeah. It was the only one. He's going to Janet or self fit. Better get used to it.

Fatty. Did you call him street clothes? Just like a pilot. Gym teachers call them street clothes. Oh, I said street clothes last week. I still say. No, my mother would know just street clothes. What do we in the fucking?

From when do you get on the street? Welcome back Carter. What the fuck street clothes. Welcome back Carter. It's just Jimmy Carter sitting there. Welcome back Carter. No, he's got Carter on the brain. He was talking about it before the show.

They left to my devices and I was a fat kid and whatever would be at the house. I would have to make do because my mom would be at work. My brother and sister would be gone or whatever. Or if they had already moved out or whatever. I moved out of the young age. I would do the most to try. I would drink a can of slim fat. What?

I thought it was like chocolate milk. I just drink a slim fat and tears are a lane Bryant. I would drink a slim fast and have a have a thing of her pretzel nuggets. Take a diet pill. So clean in the house. I would. Before I get dinner started. I'll have a slim fat.

What kind of fucking. I thought it was chocolate milk. I didn't know what if I was drinking it like. You're drinking slim fast. You're fat as hell. I know I'm dude. Dude, I'm doing bite and sip with pretzel nuggets like a fucking animal. Slim fast is a whole meal.

I know. I know. Dude, what kind of fact were you man? I don't have time to chew. After a couple of weeks. I was like, well, I'm not going to be on the commercial for this one. This ain't working. I was blowing up.

Slim fast and four lean cuisines. Shut up the lean cuisine. They got me through some tough times. Chicken teriyaki. Always cold in the middle. Those stuff shells never cooked in the middle. I'll tell you. Just like that cookie in the hungry man.

You ever do that? We were never hungry. We were like, we were a step up hungry. We were a big hungry man. Definitely hungry. Still are. Hungry man right now. Wait, wait, I have a question for all of you.

Eat them frozen. Have any of you ever gotten food from a dollar store? I knew frozen food would be what you would get. Absolutely not. I don't even like fucking buying shit from Walmart or Target. They got food now. Yeah. I'm not into it.

I don't trust the orange juice. I don't know what it is. That's the thing you don't trust. It's too close. It's too close. Not the meat. Nah, do they move product? That shit's all brand new.

The turnover on those is bonkers. It's better there than it is your fucking Acme. What are you, the regional manager? I just know they move units. Dude, I've worked in retail and grocery. I was at my friend's place and he was like, he was like, you want some broccoli? I was like, yeah, he goes, it's from the dollar store.

So it's mostly stems. Oh, God. I don't mind a nice stem. Just a shitty vegetable dealer. I only got stems in mids. Mostly rubber bands, but that's fantastic. What the fuck? I'm sorry.

That was too close. What the fuck was that? One last image. I'm sorry. How did that even, nobody even said anything. That was the one last image of the broccoli that T-Bone said popped into my head. You gotta clean this up.

This is a mess. T-Bone, help me out, Joey. You are a mess. This guy gets vaccinated, starts marking his territory. Try to spread the anti-bodies. At least it'll clean up the boogers. That was what they showed at the beginning of COVID. Like what people talk.

Talk about droppings. It's a fucking river. Can you throw me the paper towels, please? Whatever you do, Cuomo, whatever you do, don't do this. Dude, that was the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. I always thought, it was like JFK got shot. I thought your head exploded. Fat into the left.

Fat into the left. He's fat into the left. Dude, I literally thought someone shot you in the head. The way you moved. Dude, I literally thought you took a... I thought we were back in NAMM. Dude, I'm gonna stop, man. Jesus, no, you're killing you.

That was fucking out of control. That's his reaction when he hears the word broccoli. It's an involuntary reflux. Jesus Christ, man. Dude, that was just too much. It's all over your... This guy's punkos. D-Bone got me.

You got you. I don't know what to tell you. Jesus Christ. And nobody even said anything funny. It was a damnit delayed reaction. That was like two seconds after I said the rubber band thing. I thought of one more image of the situation. Oh, man.

Paige wants to know if you ever owned a back scratcher. Which are trashy, I gotta say. I'm a fork guy. Whoa. You put it back in? I think we might have talked about this. You don't wash it off? I'll do it while I'm eating.

Shut up. I'm eating. He's got fucking tomato sauce all over his back. I had a buddy... We were in a back scratcher family. I remember going over to my buddy's house and this whole family was just sharing one. Like, sitting watching TV. Oh, what the fuck?

I was like... I felt like I was at an orgy. Can you call my mom? Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. I knew it wasn't right, though. It wasn't by the... God did not approve of that. You're sharing?

Yeah, it was weird. You ever have the head scratcher? My wife has one. That's nice. Yeah, it feels good. They always bend and... I don't like them. My wife does it.

It's not for me. You don't like your head? Not like that. Like, give me a meat hook or something, you know what I mean? You're sitting next to him. I don't know what you mean, a meat hook. A hand? Yeah, like something I need some fucking...

I need like a massage. I don't just need like some little metal fucking... You're not doing it right. I'm doing it right. We've got them. We've got multiple. I put them on my pee-pee sometimes. Get me going.

It's like an alien. When she's out of town. Take a robot. Were you a back scratcher family? Me? Yeah. I told you, honestly. My dad was big on scratching his back on the corner of the wall.

I kind of adapted that. You know, he'd always be out there. It feels great. You've got a nice corner, especially with like a little stucco or something on it. Like a popcorn wall. It has a little texture to it. Always food with you? Fucking getcha.

Nice. The Follies are just Philadelphia brown bears. No, never a back scratcher family. I'm a shoehorn guy. I like a good shoehorn. It's good. Probably because you use the long one, so you can't bend down, I presume. I mean, that's pretty rude of you to say, but yeah, that's true.

Put the shoes on a boomerang. Yeah, no, I use the long one. It's easy. It feels good. Have you ever fucked your thumb up from using your thumb as a shoehorn? No. Really? I don't think so.

How hard are you putting your shoes on? You're pulling your- I gotta go! Never? Someone is listening to Thunderballs. But you're going out and buying a shoehorn. Ordered on Amazon. I think it was prescribed, but yeah.

My guy at Foot Locker gave it to me. Hey, listen, what's your copay? You better take this. You're probably not that far off from prescription shoes, either. Oh, my God. I'd love a pair. Some orthopedics. Scotch.

Going to get your feet measured. Oh, yeah, good night. You're close. Slip-ons. You're close. A couple wide ones. When you can't wear jeans, the orthopedic shoes are next. Get orthopedic jeans?

They're just like normal, like turns. All right, let's run through a couple here. We've got a couple of minutes left with the old Ian. The animal. This is from Rat. Well, I don't think we've done this. Will you fill up the soap dispenser with water when it's low? Yes.

Yeah, I have that currently at the moment. I just actually just bought new soap. You do it with shampoo? Yeah, for sure. Discuss this. Yeah, yeah. The problem with that is when you don't realize the next day and it's already cold water and you get fucking-

Talk about a- Talk about blue balls. You gotta do it for the little layover before you get the old soap. Or you gotta think ahead and get multiple things of soap so you don't have to go back. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a one-at-a-time guy? I'm not.

I'm like, let me buy 10 of these so I don't have to think about it. Yeah. You're going by toothpaste. You're buying one or a couple? I'm buying one. You're buying one. Yeah. The toothpaste is a little-

I guess not, though. I don't know. One or two, depending- A lot of times they'll do the double pack. I'll buy that double, Jordan. What's your brand? I do- I use the fucking tough stuff, the Armin Hammer Advanced Whitening.

You ever brush your teeth and put baking soda on top? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that in the 90s. Yeah, trashy. And my mom's like- Everybody did it. My mom's like, this works. And I remember being like, this is not for your mouth.

It doesn't do anything. Yeah, it does. What does it do? All the toothpaste has baking soda in it. Yeah. Not the old stuff. No, but I'm saying so it works. I'm on his side.

I'm saying it works if they're putting in the toothpaste. It works. You got a double dip. Sensodyne and Armin Hammer. Boop, boop, boop, boop. So I got such pearly whites. Sensodyne's for pussies. I use Sensodyne all the time.

Yes. It's the best. Yep. It's the best. That's one of those things that if I would have asked for Sensodyne, it would have been like- A bully just appears. My dad would have been like, what are you?

No way. Get out of here. We're a Crest family or Colgate. We always wanted an Aqua Crest. Aqua, Aqua, Aqua Fresh. Did you have the push down thing with the two that- My buddy Matt had that and it blew my mind. Oh, yeah.

Remember that? We didn't get it, but I remember it. I remember the commercials. I remember the commercials. That was hot shit. We tried to make it look like the little wave of a commercial. Of course. He had a bit about it.

This is one of his first bits. Oh, really? Every time I do it, mine looks like bird shit. Have you guys ever seen the trashier version of that, where you stick the toothpaste into the holder and then it looks like a roller? Oh, that's real trash. To get the last little ounce out, get the fuck out of here. People like-

I've seen people cut it open. Oh, we cut it open. Dude, Joe appeases to keep it moving. Yeah, we've cut it open. Wow. Squeeze out the bottom. Never cut open toothpaste for us. No.

No? Let's not get out much, huh? You and a cat hanging out. Hey, what do you say? We cut open a cookie. Scratching their backs against a corner. I can't hang out tonight, guys. I'm cutting open some toothpaste.

There's a little in there. There's a little in there. No, you roll it yourself. Then when it's done rolling, you grab it in. Sure. I love- oh, God. When you roll it and then the sides and you bend the sides in, just get that last little bit.

I got to yell these fucking Arminhammer fucks. It always cracks. It's only the only toothpaste I've ever had. It fucking breaks and then there's a hole and you can't get the fucking vacuum. Hold on. Is your- is the tube metal still? No. You sure it's not like that aluminum?

No, it's not in the Army. It's not going to fucking MRC with it. Are you shopping the general store? I thought you were. I've never heard of- Cracking. Yeah, when you squeeze it, it breaks and it breaks around a little nipple. There's a hole there and then you can't get enough fucking juice going.

I don't know about that. I think you're breastfeeding too late. It's not breastfeeding with your wife. All right. Let's do two more here. This is from James Smith. Hey, first question asked, is it garbage to wear an old work uniform as a last minute Halloween costume to a party?

It's a pretty good thinking in my book. Fantastic. I don't know. Yeah, that's fucking stick and move. Save 25 bucks. Always go for comfort. Boom. Why not?

Yeah, of course. It's so bad about that. I think every certain age going to a Halloween party is trashy. I think that, yeah. Nah, they're fun, but- It's just a drink. I can't do that. Well, I would pull the move of I'd throw like a penny on or something like that in a hard

hat. More like a quarter. I can't do $1.50. I can't do like the face painting stuff. I'd be too uncomfortable on that. I mean, what if they're painting their face? People do the whole costume. You know what I mean?

They get into it. People like Halloween. I like Halloween. I just can't do the face because I'd be eating and shit like that. I don't want that makeup on me. Get hot and greasy. I just remember- I do something easy.

A wig and a jacket or something. Yeah, I remember being real hot and real fat and real sweaty when I was a kid at like Halloween parties. Yeah, as a kid. Woo! Kids are locked in today, boys. Yeah. Bozo.

Dude, one year, it was on the Phillies Will in the World series. I won as a Phillies fan because I went to the parade and then just stayed in my clothes. Put a bunch of cop. No? All right. Let's do two more here. This is from Calvin Witt. Have you ever gone on vacation to a resort that had a washer and dryer and brought dirty

laundry with you? What? Oh, dude, I packed dirty laundry for sure. Especially going down the shore. I packed dirty laundry. Yeah, because you have a shore house. But you're not going to a fucking Radisson with dirty clothes. I had Radisson money, maybe.

You got your hair up in a bun. It's laundry day. What the fuck? Dude, if I knew they had limp acid vacuum cleaner. I like the dirt devils. Oh, you had a dirt devil. You were garbage. Oh, wow.

I thought they were classy. Oh, get out of here. What? It was better than the dust buster. No. I'm talking a full-size dirt devil. Oh, no. We're not animals.

We had the little guy. Yeah. If you had that, if you had the big red dirt devil fucking vacuum cleaner, your mom was cheery. Yeah, yeah. No, we had the little guy. You got one from a vacuum salesman? Yeah.

Remember them? I think that's how my mom bought all of her vacuum cleaners. Made you. I think that's why I eat so much. I think she bought both of our, like, main vacuum cleaners growing up off a door-to-door salesman. Yeah. Wow.

I think so. Electrolux. Sweet talkers. We had Electrolux. I don't even know what that was. Gray? I don't know. It wasn't the same one.

Relax, dork. You stowed after me and my mom. Was it named Rusty? That's my vacuum cleaner, man. Give it back. They were all gray. What the fuck? They were making colors.

They're not different colors. I'm sorry. I'm trying to find common ground. Oh, he's upset. You're both upset about something so insane. We'll always have the true blues, huh? Love you, buddy. Love you, pal.

All right. This is from Will Campbell. Were you ever really into Guitar Hero? No, thank God. Oh, man. I was like, I fucking hated that shit. I was bad at it. I was good.

I thought I was glad I was good. I told people I was good. Did Guitar Hero ruin songs for you? Yeah. I can't hear any of those songs anymore. I can't hear some of those songs without just having this intense image. He's sitting there, red, blue, green, red, blue, green, red, blue, green, green, green, green, green, green.

It's just, it ruins so many songs. Hang on. Here comes his solo. Carry on my way, Woodson. And it's just, you hear it now. It's like. You're like, fuck. That and rock band and like people getting together.

That was big, dude. I was in college, maybe. Yup. That came out. That was the first, that was, you know, and you hang out, have a couple of beers. Oh yeah. You're getting slam playing fucking the drums on rock band. Yeah.

Nintendo was going to take a hike, too. Nah, we would do what we dropped. We bowling. Oh, we tennis. Holy shit. That was a good fucking time. Yeah. I also found out all you had to do was just this.

Oh, really? Dude, I was running around my living room fucking knocking over vases and shit. Like an asshole. And then my buddy came over and just started doing this and he was whooping my ass. I was like, oh, fuck. You got the outfit on. Everything got the glow. I'm mac and roll.

I'm yelling at my mom. A pair of bowling shoes on. Sliding around the house. Big earn. All right. Let's do two more from the Facebook group and then we'll get out of here. This is for Matt. Have you ever given your pet an alcohol or drug related name?

Like Jack Daniels or fucking, you know, whiskey. No, no. Oh, that's not true. I'm lying. This is my boa constrictor. Silicide. I've only had a durable fentanyl. How he shoved it up his ass.

I think fentanyl got out. Yeah, it did. No, he's okay. He's really okay. We are last golden retriever. All right. So the dog named baby was named yingling. Whoa.

Yeah. America's oldest brewery. That's right. Pennsylvania's trashiest family. That is just smoking indoors type living. That is. He was the best dog ever to dead fucking dead. Oh, I bet he was.

Unbelievable. What the hell is that? I don't know. I'm like, well, you're insinuating Mr. Finance. I was never inappropriate that was that dog. A dog named yingling. Oh, he was the best. That's tough.

It was just when yingling lager got real, like it was blowing the fuck up in Pennsylvania. It's always been. I mean, it's America. It's from like 1872. Yeah. See, you don't know what you're talking about because you're a fucking pinhead.

All right. They didn't use that recipe until much, much later. They found it in like the recipe card and then they started making yingling lager and that's when they caught on. Oh, man, we gotta buy a dog and even after the new recipe, ma. Here, the recipe's coming out.

Get the Pomeranian. The list of the barbecue. Like you can't get this dog into the Mason Dixon. You have to counter each two. We couldn't buy the dog on a Sunday. Add to Commonwealth. What are you going to do? We named him what we traded for him.

All right. All right. Last and not least, this is from Chad. Do you know what Chad is? I don't know. Do you not cover food when you use the microwave? Ah, it's a pain in the ass. I've never covered food ever in the microwave.

Even like spaghetti? It splatters everywhere. Yeah, you gotta cover. I don't think I've ever had a microwave cover. We have one now. We have the plastic one with the incident. It has gray on top. I've never done that ever.

Yeah, if you're microwaving soup or something, it pops up. I just let it roll. Which is every night for you. I mean, it's better. If you're microwaving soup, you're in a fucking jam, daddy. You've never microwaved soup? I have, but I've been in jams. That's what I'm saying.

You didn't get cans of soup at the beginning of quarantine? No. Oh, yeah. You can treat him with the homeless people. Cracker jam. Burn him over a fire. Cooking in the can. What's your go-to soup, Ian?

Cream and mushroom. You're more of a split pea kind of guy. Tomato soup and grilled cheese. All-time favorite. And pasta fizzle. Man, you need a hug. You don't like tomato soup and grilled cheese? Come on now.

It's delicious. It's basically pizza. You look like you inject it. It's basically pizza. Yeah. It's pizza. I'm talking, we're talking about the cans. Can of soup.

Oh, can of soup. I love broccoli. Broccoli soup. Broccoli. It's delicious. Cream of broccoli? Cream of broccoli soup, yeah. From Campbell's.

That's what you would get. It's delicious. Or potato soup. Eatin' just straight out of the can with a spoon. I was a, I'm Amy's. I can't do Campbell's. Amy's is Top Shell. I'm an Amy's, low sodium, split peat.

Never had Amy's. What is Amy's? It's the organic brand. You never saw Amy's stuff in the frozen food? Uh-uh. She does a pretty good job. Annie's mac and cheese. I've had.

I've had Annie's pretzels. Oh, Annie's mac and cheese. I know what you're talking about. That's fantastic. That's the top shelf mac and cheese. Yeah, it's pretty good. Never had Annie's. Something looked forward to it.

Ann's. Ann's. She's not a fuckin' flusy, okay? It's Ann. It's Ann. Fuckin' Annie's. Ann's. No, Ann.

Why? Cause they didn't say Ian. They said Ann. Ann. Cause they're fuckin' derelicts from Delaware. Yeah. What a shitty ass accent. They're fuckin' monsters.

Hey, Ann. I was in Wawa this morning and there's the cashier. What? What? Where? I was down, I came from the shore. I was down the shore. And I stopped at a Wawa to get a coffee and the woman goes,

Ah, beautiful weather out there. I go, yes. I was like, yeah, it's real nice. I ain't complainin'. She goes, I can't wait to go home and open my windows. I was like, oh my God. To my core, I left my kids in there. I can't wait to go home and open my windows.

Just smoke out the window. Oh, man. That's trash. You get a nice cross breeze. It's nice. Let's wrap it up, big man. Gang, this was absolutely fantastic. Ian, thank you much for sittin' in with us and hangin' out with us on this family.

Thank you, buddy. Yep, we love you guys. What do you got folks out there to know? I buy guys every Thursday at 11 a.m. on guest digital. Very funny, very fun podcast. We just did it. Yes, very fun. Ian's Invincible Playlist every Friday at 1 p.m. on SiriusXM, Channel 99, with plays

all through the weekend and on the app. And iAnimal69 on Twitch, Twitter, and Instagram. Beautiful. Here it is. Teabone? That vaccine really poked my shoe though. The vaccine went right to my funny bone. My teeth are falling out.

Teabone. I don't know dude. Instagram. You never asked me. I don't know what's going on. I thought I do. No, you never do. Kevin?

Who? What? I panic. Guys, as always, thanks for listening. Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. Patreon.com, guys. Thank you so much for all the fuckin' support on Patreon. We're fuckin' cookin', baby.

News. Check the news. The fuckin' Patreon's cookin'. That's right, man. And at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.

Hey. Hold on. Hold on. Sit the fuck back down, Kevin Ryan. I want to tell the folks one more time before they get any here. What's that, big man? I want to let them know about the old stereo app. There's amazing shows on there.

Love that stereo app. You can sign up for free. You either have an Android or an iPhone. It doesn't matter. They can sign up. They can listen to the show. Listen to the shows. You got great people on there.

We're on there every Thursday at 9 usually, you know? Usually, yeah. Guys, we're doing a show once a week. It's like an after-show and after-party type thing. Q&A. Join that stereo app. We're taking your garbage questions live. We get a couple hundred people in a party, you know what I mean?

It's not bad. It's a nice after-party, a little VIP section, you know? It's fun. Very exclusive. So check it out. Go to www.stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash H. Foley. The link will be in the description of the episode. Click that link.

We get to what our beak. You get to listen to the show. It's a good time. Peace. Peace.