Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ian Fidance: Crashing Weddings

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Stand up comedian Ian Fidance is the guest this week and before we even put him to the test, spoiler alert: He's GARBAGE. Ian shares wild stories of being a terrbile wedding guest, drinking like a maniac, and being a substitute teacher.  You may know Ian from his appearance on You Up w/ Nikki Glaser, Comedy Central, and Bennington Show.  Have submission for AYG? Email: [e-mail] Please leave a 5 STAR REVIEW and SUBSCRIBE!

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to the brand new podcast are you garbage I am a host H Foley sitting directly across from me is my number one my co-host my sidekick my side chick ladies and gentlemen Mr. Kevin James Ryan hey what's up everybody happy to be here I like how you welcomed everybody back to the first episode which I think it's impossible I don't believe I said welcome back I was very

cautious of that you did you fumbled you fumbled the first pass I get it though time is a flat I'm happy to be here happy to be here very nice Kevin and of course sitting to our immediate right is our inauguratory guest here are you garbage okay good friend of ours started an affiliate comedy scene together he's up here doing pretty good things okay not falling behind not showing off good pal of ours ladies and gentlemen mr. Ian finance hi everybody good to be here thank you for having me on the first episode it's an honor and even more than that I just feel blessed to have Foley give us both backhanded

compliments I know on his intro my sidekick you don't think he wrote that he wrote that three weeks ago this is not doing great but he's not doing bad give it up for middle of the road fighter stupid fat piece of shit the meaty part of the meaty part of the curvy and I can't talk to the host like that oh my god yeah I wasn't talking to Kevin like that we he's just made he's got to get back and return that cool new shirt he's got on yeah I know Jack foley is to get out of here and play a game of racquetball it's squash is it hard with that haircut is it hard to play squash and bully an eighth grader yeah I'd say

buzz your girlfriend oh my god where's your tarantula only buzz and the girlfriend yes thank you shabby so listen gang this is our brand new podcast like I said it's called are you garbage okay well we sit down with the guest every week and determine if in fact are they a piece of trash cuz yeah so this is my theory we're all fucking trash it doesn't matter it has to do with money or anything you know cuz like he grew up like you grew up kind of poor right or what how'd you wouldn't say poor I was middle-class the meaty part of the curve for sure middle of showing off well like I had I had a little I found

we had a little bit of money at times because but it was like very blue collar so we were like still fucking trash we lived in like a nice neighborhood but we were like they're like race cars yeah there was there was a big NASCAR there was like an on there was a shed that was never finished in the backyard yes your home was like new construction yeah it's just all there's always something like a mick mansion outside empty on the inside was always one poor family lived in a mix that was always one poor family that lived in that neighborhood yard wasn't done oh my god well like I had to I mowed the lawn everybody else had like a

landscaping I was out there with the John Deere you know do you remember the kid growing up what you could do anything in their house the parents are like never around my buddy Justin but it was always like dirty you know I'm talking about oh yeah we we'd kids like that in the neighborhood my mom used to wash my toys in the dishwasher after they came over to play wash you in the dishwasher he didn't get in there oh my god the tribal kids dirty they dude they had like night they kept having kids because they weren't a girl yeah I mean it was like god can you move to China but if you're when you're a little cap on the

friend's house and be like oh man I don't want to eat over like yeah most a lot of the way yeah really I had one free meal is a free meal yeah yeah do you have any I can take home to my mother yeah were you the kid that used to force himself going over the friend's house to eat can I stay over my house is a house I bet a lot of parents hate it your guts as a little kid no you probably got along with mom mom's really well I got along with everyone man my house was a house everyone came over to play with to play at and what age was in like grade school well it was like a couple weeks ago yeah yeah it was can Steve come over

and play my dude you remember when you would want to have a sleeper you go you call and they go can my mom talk to your mom oh yeah for them to like play and I made it that I loved it because it was so exciting no someone else do that my mom can't talk to other people what's going on my mom for some reason was real weird about that shit she hated yeah cuz you'd have to clean the trailer Terry put your pants on the fat ones got your friends coming over yeah she clean the wood panel she hated even all through high school she hated me sleeping out at like friend's house like it was always a thing of like what you don't

want to stay here you don't want to stay here with your family that's that I was guilty and you know what it was because I remember when I was I was born in a place called mountaintop all right it's fucking garbage for sure and my cousins look like a girl you dated in college my cousins live next door but then they moved that's another sign of garbage when your cousins share the same property line your cousins are your family oh my god yeah so listen so they moved and kindergarten and this hot young couple moved in this was I'm talking this is early 80s all right these people were attractive doing aerobics and

shit playing volleyball in the back she was smoking I knew this in kindergarten all right but he worked for Kellogg's so they had all these little boxes of cereal all the time every year we go you're in heaven many Wow so I would go over there all the time and like how many of their dogs got killed cuz holy blamed it on Friday yeah I think it was a dog he's got Cheerios coming out of his mouth no but like for some reason me and this woman like really hit it off and like I would go over there all the time and this woman hit it off I'm telling you I think you were molesting right she's a little me over with with tasty treats and

sugary sugary snacks she molested me I hope I don't want it to be blocked out and she was right okay fair or faucet bounce a quarter off that thing but I remember one time my mom like screaming at me like why are you over there all the time and like game you were hanging out with the fucking hot 22 year old what's a reverse out of Piscots now we're talking about my mom talking to your mom but your mom's pussy on the phone so what Kevin is the line is Ian so what Kevin is saying is not funny exactly where we draw the line what Kevin is saying is that you know being garbage is determined by by money or social class

it's just the kind of habits that you develop well that you get from your parents or that you your parents might not be like I don't really think my parents are trash but I know I'm trash well my thing is I and I would talk about this about how we're all garbage but the good thing about garbage is that you can recycle so no matter how bad you are you can always change no I understand for sure yeah yeah that's like something do you think so you do think you're garbage well that's why I shove cans up my ass and puke up cardboard

yeah right regular way like an inner-city 8th grade teacher I used to be one oh my god I forgot what you actually talk yes no I taught the inner-city since I was like fucking in college alright take it easy Joe Brown I joke Clark I truly when I was a teacher I thought it was a major Joe Clark and Michelle Piper I thought if I carried a bat and wore a leather jacket set back baseball bat and leather skirt kids don't know what to think where were you a teacher New York City hold on wait hold on oh hi or anybody I taught and I taught did you do you want to N.Y.U. yeah you went to N.Y.U. and graduated from N.Y.U.

I five years I took a victory lap wow I didn't know that yeah talk about talk about garbage I fucking hey well he didn't even fucking he'll he'll he'll college to follow fish on I skit that'll talk about garbage I had to take a semester of all-in-completes because I was just drinking alone all the time and then told all my professors I was in rehab and sold everything I had for drugs Jesus Christ and I didn't know at the time that I was having alcohol withdrawal so when I went in the room I was just naturally shaking so they like really took me through yeah of course yeah well yeah you're going by as as my

I've since made amends with them individually and everything but what I had to do was my I had to take an extra semester so I had to do one semester my normal semester plus the old semester workload plus work at the same time she didn't teach it was a fucking insane that's a fucking terrible plus being alcoholic so it was at least it was fun it was a lot I think we answered the garbage question here I'm gonna wrap this but my my next guest everybody and thanks for stopping by you're fucking trade I had my last door I had an essay due and my last day student teaching I the night before I went out with friends

and it was like 5 p.m. and that I was like this is my last essay my last day teaching like the end of it oh my god let's do shots like why we just have a beard I go no no let's do shots I got around a shot yeah and no one wanted to do shots I was like I'll take them yeah so then I've done that for sure and I was like okay before I write this essay let me just take a gravity bong hit and then I'll fucking clear my head yeah dude I woke up at 3 a.m. a fucking mess had it do the next morning buddy I didn't know you had it that bad yeah fucking nuts bro were you boozing when you were an interesting teacher yes dude I was

stopping the deli chugging a beer puking a trash can and then going in teaching Shakespeare really who's fucking nuts to be garbage or not to be garbage I was garbage for a very long time and I've done my due diligence garbage moments doing form against me yeah tonight's a little script there you got a nice little treatment on that yeah that was his elevator pitch I was a long fucking elevator though I'll tell you how much I went to 190th floor that I was a boozebag and a shitty teacher podcast this is our you garbage but it was pretty funny so we were like yeah I was like I think it will be a great

first guess one we have a history we you know everything like that and plus he's fucking trash you know I mean on a bashed full trash yes and then for the listener before we started recording and you know filming this Ian pulls out a fucking red bandana like the nerdy is the nerdy is blood gang member I've ever seen in my life and blows his nose in it and then proceeds to wipe his face with it now when we when when will you watch that you cannot be under 80 and carry a fucking handkerchief my grandfather carried a handkerchief and he helped raise me so I carry a handkerchief but my dad wore bandanas my grandfather had a

handkerchief so let's combine the two a bandana handkerchief hang on raised by grandparents slept in beds with adults was like Willy Wonka in the chocolate oh yeah totally but dude speaking of bandanas when I I was teaching in Brownsville and as garbage do right there speaking of bandanas would kids would throw out bags of weed on the desk big what do you think of this Cali Kush I'm big I think if I turn around it's still there I'm going home and smoking a bag of weed Jesus so I turn around they take it you know it's like to test me and then I you know was sweating I pulled out a rim bad and in this kid flying colors

they were like listen when they were they were this is like 2006 2007 and this this kid was like listen mr. fried ants I like you you got to throw that bandana away right now because it was red and they were like the crypts we're gonna kill you and I was like I'm a teacher and he goes they don't care I just dropped in oh yeah the gang members that you know I've never been more scared in New York City than going to and from the school in Brownsville to teach I mean one of my kids got one of my kids got his cell phone stolen and word got out that he told insurance to get a new phone and they beat the shit out of him his

mom took him out of school and they moved to Michigan how's the lacrosse program Jesus Christ water polo school yeah I mean kids would be on the cell phone in class like this was a school where you went to if you got kicked out of my final credit you spent time in juvenile detention whatever so kids would be in class on the cell phone talking about like different guns they own and I'd just be like guys on the board please I missed her for dance I mean I really had to learn about like choosing the fires to put out yeah you know yeah which which which battles to take but then you know it was great I would just fucking

drink a 40 on the way home forget about it and then you moved to Philly and started doing comedy I moved to Delaware started doing comedy in Philly and yes that's where you grew up yes I left it 18 move back 2003 you leave it 18 your move move like very springsteen ask like you know you put your guitar in your back and it was it was like and I do pond factory in my review gonna be an alcoholic teacher in Brooklyn I'll be somebody I'm gonna go drink a 40 and steal weed from adolescents yeah yeah yeah why get a bed when there's a curb with a building pillow you know but yeah that was I

left it 18 and I was fucking wow because I'd never been away from home you know and I'm in New York seems like you took it well you adjusted quite well yeah it was it was fucking rough bro now do you think your garbage yeah but I work on it every day to not be hmm you know I fully am aware that I've I wasn't raised to be garbage but at a certain point because of excellent yes and then you realize your garbage and in getting to know that child that was not ever meant to be garbage I've gotten rid of the garbage it's through therapy I've taken out the pieces put them on the ground inspected and decided to throw this out

keep this whatever and so I really work hard to recycle my garbage and not be that piece of shit well see I think I think I was a piece of shit as a coping mechanism I think some things some garbage things are good or home like what enough well we'll get into when we play the game just questions about when you're six and your neighbor fucks you for fucking Kellogg when your neighbors got to set it I mean I don't I don't think it's I don't think it's totally things that you need to be ashamed of I mean I don't know what you were doing but when when you're when you're last garbage and you did when well when you're when

you're an active addiction that's a little bit in a way that you never thought you would to get what you need to get to be well oh sure yeah and so like you just do things that you're like I can't and then that would keep me acting in a garbage way because I would act out and do something shameful then I would drink to make the shame go away and then I'd feel such shame I'd have to do a shameful thing again to make that go and it was just a repeated cycle just a downhill a fucking shame cycle that you got to get yourself out of you know sounds like a good time yeah this is going yeah that being a data side yes

what's the last the last thing you did that was garbage like example I thought today I did something that was pretty trashy I really had to poop but I was hungry so I was eating not on the toilet no I've done no really eat on the toilet I've drank in the shower I've smoked in the shower different dude I mean matter and sandwiches don't go together I'm just saying that I had to go but I kept sitting there eating eating that's a fat thing I don't know if that's really fucking garbage that's a fat piece of shit that's like I want to finish this yeah that's like the the bag of fat from Fight Club the people on the toilet yeah

dog I did name a thing I've done it name a thing I guarantee I've done it sex with a dog you are close that dog it's a cat so you have a dog and I kiss him on the lips yeah no you get a little weird with those animals I love animals no but I practiced kissing on my dog when I was younger not with my mouth but just like that's it I'm leaving Delaware one more for the road like how do you do this is a girl like lead in and then be like I love you like that but I wish it was a girl that's pretty good but I never had sex with an animal what you saw I did something recently I was at a was on the we should play garbage bingo with me and

guarantee we'll hit all the fucking numbers yeah it's just five five things get called you got it yeah yeah I I did a thing recently I was at a you know buddy's tight a little bit you know we're not I'm not I'm not rolling in the dough over here so I was at a I was at a club on the road and Kevin's getting married you know we're getting married I know it's two days you're getting married in two days Ian shut the fuck in city hall trash that's the way garbage the two days yeah Friday yeah Friday with everyone invited yeah it's small though it's very small now we all got screwed you know by any of us don't die I know

what you're not invited I know what you're fishing for dude can I tell you a thing about invitations to a wedding so talking about being garbage I've had a tendency to like really isolate and like extract myself from like friends and I mean I've done it with you guys have you ever gone to a wedding and not given a gift oh yeah yeah yeah totally dude so I did I did it to somebody that's like that's like a family friend and I hadn't seen him in like 20 years and I saw him because my when my aunt passed away he came to the funeral and I got a real strong feeling he ain't over it no yeah you know what I mean just like you know

that I showed up I danced I got sauced up I made everyone have a fun time that's a better gift than yeah yeah that's what a garbage person tells himself yeah you don't need my 25 I was out there I had a paper pocket yeah moving and shake I took it I took it I took my buddy and his wife out to the cheesecake factory oh my god I never had money what do you want I mean that's a fucking you know you got it they probably hated that improvised they hated that gift cheesecake factory is delicious my god that's dude I've never given a gift it's always it's always gay gay I'd rather cash or follow the police mom asked me

where I was registered I told him JG Wentworth it's my money and I need it now oh my god ship that fucking cash rena center he's not registered anywhere no layer why are you doing this so fast he's not doing it fast you just got gauged three weeks ago yeah yeah yeah the day cotton died you fucking put a did you when one door well I do that gotta tell you so I you know for whatever reason and I figured out you know I've had massive abandonment issues so I'll get close and then I leave so you don't have a chance to leave me sure I mean yeah and I spent a lot of time like isolating whatever and you know I'm

very much like a lone wolf and I just have to accept it whatever but I was killed Billy so there I am staring at a noose and I'm not sure what to do but you know I figured the cheesecake factory dates next week I'll take Billy and Jamie out you know you being too hard on yourself I've had a lot of friends who have been there for me and I've chosen not to be in their lives or whatever so this guy that you know best friend lived with him on and off since we're like a team or whatever I kind of went I we just you know and when you get involved in comedy you kind of lose everybody everybody gets cut out whatever right so

I we're I'm living with two of our other best friends we live together in college we live together after college right so they're talking about his wedding and they're like oh yeah well to save the date is whatever oh actually the invitation you know whatever and I'm kind of listening through the weeks and then like they're like yeah I'm getting ready for the wedding next weekend I'm like huh so I text my go hey man I know our mail systems messed up sometimes I think my invitation lost in the mail. It ain't messed up buddy you stink. I did I know the letters and I hit him up and go hey I think the invitation got lost in

the mail. He goes you know I didn't want to have this conversation but it's a small wedding and we also haven't been closed. I know the current state of Latin America is very up and down right now but it's odd I didn't receive my I did not take the social cue and I had such hubris to be like well the mail's messed up. Maybe they put it in our box. I'm not an asshole. It could be the whole thing in Syria. I'm not an asshole. Who knows? UPS. I'm not an asshole. The mail to you know everyone's doing emails now. Hey Gary it's Ian listen I understand that you can't afford to send out invites and you're probably calling people and probably a lot of them. I mean how

crazy is that. That's fucking that's that's crazy. That's garbage. That's a garbage move. You could have stopped that on so many levels but it yeah you just blew the world. Am I not invited to this wedding? And mark me now for the chicken. I didn't get invited. And no gift but I'll tell you. Alright talk to him about it. You guys need my own blender? We like to talk about our friendship and everything and it actually sparked us like close. That makes sense yeah reconnecting. It was good in the end you know. Just the right get near that buffet huh. A fucking move dude. That's a tough one dude. That's fucking terrible. Alright sorry. So this is I'm on I'm at this you know comedy club

and I'm on the road and this is this guy. I think about this. I didn't mean to yell you two or three times a day and I didn't have and you know so obviously you know I was featuring so it's like you're not making a whole bunch of money you know so it's like and you know the club takes Gary and everything but you always gotta you always gotta tip off the staff very you know. Yeah you gotta bring the staff off. And they were they were super nice it was super good everything was great you know so the first night I hit him you know next night too I always want to do it on the I don't know I always do it the night up the night. I used to do it at the end of the weekend they switch. Sometimes they turn over

and then you'll you get there on Saturday and you're like where's Gary they're like oh he's off. What do you get and he hates your guts. It depends what I get something if I'm like drinking or if I get dinner or sometimes I just get like two diet cokes or whatever so it depends but you know typically if I like get a meal I give you what I would have got for them. That take care of you at the end of the weekend shit come on. Well it's typically it's when you get paid too. I used to do that but now I do. I do I do night of yeah. But I only get coffees. Yeah so it's like you shouldn't be really you don't get a hot meal. Oh I always well yeah I got I meant like drink wise. Yeah yeah yeah because the drinks you'll rack up

whatever. Yeah yeah yeah so I don't think I had I don't think I ate but I might have had like a couple diet cokes or whatever. I'm starting to get I know dude I'm a big tipper. I'm a good tipper. I always say I'm a good tipper. I stand by being a good tipper. All right to let this let it be known. You're sweating right now. Kevin Kippy James Ryan is a good tipper. I would like to say that I am a good tipper. And but I didn't have any cash on me right. And I'm like oh well I'll get paid some whatever so but then this guy so I think I get served or I did eat. I did eat. I think I got fries so then he serves me the fries. So this guy comes up he takes the fries and then a guy comes up next to me and orders a beer

and but then whatever the exchange of it is he left a 20 in front of me. Who's this guy. Just a guy buying a drink at the bar pretending it was your I didn't pretend it was anything they assumed. When was this. Oh my God. I'm not keeping the club bank but it was on the road. It was on the road six years ago. Okay. It was years ago. I used to get meals from the club and take them home for dinner. I have a feeling you've done that more than a couple of years ago. I used to take extra meals from the club and take them home for dinner the next night. So he goes so he just grabbed it was a 20 so he just grabs the 20 and I'm not really got my phone out or whatever I'm going over notes getting ready for the show he goes thank you so much man

that means a lot and walked away and I was like what they were asking about the beer. He paid for the beer they like say with it say it was $5 for the beer the guy gave him a five that's what I'm saying he probably whacked them off another 20 so he got he grabs the 20 was thanks a lot man I wasn't really paying so I go yeah sure and then you know I swear to God I didn't know so then he walked away and I'm like oh he thought I left that fucking 20 but also now I got no cash on me so whole thing so I'm like I wouldn't be able to order anything so then I go all right so then I'm like I'm like I'll make it right I just don't have the courage to make it right at the moment you know like in my head I'm like I don't know what the fuck to

say I already he's gonna think I tried to pawn it off like it's mine and then the he must have went and told the other guy cuz the other guy came up because thanks a lot for that by the way oh buddy I'm in it I can't so it's just again man and I just left with my head between my legs you're good kids like a real big piece of fucking shit you tipped him out I did it got on that I tipped on the first night this was the second night so not only did I so after you got paid you didn't go back and say hey by the way I did it I can't we tipped him again I already lied I was in you want to hear you gotta fucking kill all the witnesses you know what I mean shit tipping story I'm not proud of that have you ever worked at restaurants

yeah you yeah you probably still do he's awake so I gotta get to the cheesecake factory but from doing that for so long I have I'm like ultra sensitive and I was like yes yes always I always tip I always of course you know at clubs I always have that one time you know and except that one time yeah dude I I was working in a restaurant and you know the stereotype about certain types of people that don't tip and we have a lot of them that are friends came up in Philly you know you know that's it that's it that's a term in the industry they say Canadians I know but I go go to take the thing and I look and I see on the credit slip they just didn't put anything for tip and signed it and I was like

a new waiter and I wrote it in what the fuck I was like are you kidding me you're a hero like these and my inner racism started going I was like I fucking knew it I fucking knew it and then I go to chase him down the street and I'm like you didn't fucking leave me a tip they go take the receipt out I take it out and it's all cash tip I suck I'm a piece of shit fuck me and you know it was I just felt so but sometimes I didn't know how I see that type just proven of course multiple times yeah I had so this but I do a club in St. Louis and you'll see a proven oh yeah and you'll see the staff also really go along with it and tell you that it's true yeah I worked at the Dallas barbecue in Times Square

for a little while shut up time yeah what was that like he didn't have money to pay his bill oh my god was it like a mace video from 97 it was brutal it was brutal that's the place where they put the they have like the frozen drink no no money no tip they stick they stick the beer or like a little bottle of henna yeah in there in the in the frozen margarita that's garbage do you remember the story in Chelsea about like that gay hate crime some guy threw a chair at a gay guy in the Chelsea Dallas BBQ where'd that come from I was in Dallas barbecue yeah yeah so what happened was it a war zone yeah it was terrible I do but like I'll do I do respect a garbage move that happened you that you telling that

thing I there was a restaurant in Center City Philadelphia when I was working and I went in for lunch and I got like chicken fingers and like you know a soda or something big chicken fingers and diet coke kind of guy who is the crack how the chicken I'll take the chicken figure is platter please I'm a platter man twice please me double fry so can I substitute the fuck I fucked it up I was gonna say coleslaw for more can I substitute the fries for more chicken fingers can I substitute that joke for a better punch so I so then I wrote out let's just say the tip was nine dollars right I'm making this number up it was nine dollars the tip was and I only had a hundred bucks in my counsel I was like I swipe my

card it was 10 the whole the whole bill should have been 20 right and then I left the tip I left the thing and I left the other receipt as well you know how they give you the merchant copy and the short so when I left the other one customer copy I left that as well and you're an idiot I know I haven't done it since so he fucking made it the total he made the total a hundred dollars completely cleared out my bank account to zero like I woke up the next morning go back there went back there they close that night for good it was his last hurrah I got walked up fucking doors boarded up closed for out of business and I was like you fucking got me I got got I can't help it scumbag I got got to one time I was on

acid and I went and got a cheeseburger in the East Village and it was like the world's best cheeseburger and so then I was eating and I was like I had a dream of cheeseburger was eating me this is not the best cheeseburger this is the moment in time you stand up for yourself and make it so I went and got my money back for the cheese and I convinced myself on my acid trip that I started a new me one that takes up for himself no you're garbage yeah yeah oh dude when I was drinking I used to do a thing where I would go up and say that I'd stand at the bar and here you go put on my tab Ryan and then you piggyback on that well I would go up to the guy and be like hey I had that same shirt wow and make a big

deal and be like can I get you a drink he'd be like okay and I go to the bar and be like hey I keep this on the Ryan tab and I get a couple drinks and I go up and give him one and I just fucking walk away that's not terrible that's a that's a shaky move but that's smart at least that's like the old Seabass said put it on his tab where do you think I learned it yeah he got some Twizzlers in a magazine yeah what happened you caught up with me down at the you know down the road and fucking beat the shit I learned it that's great yeah fucking Ian Seabass for dancing all right let's get into the game here gang all right so Ian we're gonna ask you 15 to 20 questions okay now they're just conversation starters all right

nothing too serious yeah I know how podcasts work just to kind of determine you know what we're working with here as we know Ian is a stand-up comedian here in New York City he's a regular guest on the the you up radio show with Nikki Glaser on Sirius XM and he's out on tour right now with Mr. David Tal that's right but we have to find out that's awesome are you garbage bumping mics what are you garbage I mean we've already talked about it yeah it's the level of how garbage you are oh on these situations yeah just yeah yeah let's kind of how you grew up type stuff because I really just for some reason this weekend I went home for a weekend and my parents and I started talking about something when I was

a kid and I realized how much garbage I am you know our primary source of heat when I was a kid was a coal stove I don't even know what that is that's amazing what is that that's amazing like like you couldn't afford it like Kingsford cold we could it's just that was like the thing we liked it oh dude that's why your poor parents told you nobody likes that my favorite would pull up every every every couple of weeks and it would give you coal it would pour little things a coal into a coal bin and me and my brother would have to bring the coal inside it seems rust yeah that's how you got some trash that seems rustic and we did you have a heater put no you'd pour it into a coal stove and you would get

I don't know what any this this sounds like fucking home on the you know home on the range that sounds rustic and nice like that would happen in a town called mountaintop this was in bluebell Pennsylvania my I really live next to the super friend was in center city Philadelphia I realized I was trash when my favorite memories as a kid were going to the dump loading up the truck throwing shit in the dump the cherry island dump you know what else was a big one for me when I realized was we would go trash picking what yeah we like drive around with my step dad like take a bike that you would see or what a lamp or something I don't wow we just stealing people's garage you know where people keep their trash

they're living room we use their bed the safe under the bed garage hopping oh yeah I got you ever do that permanent records from garage oh dude you should go out at night and if they left a garage you go and steal beer and yes go to the garage freezer and steal beer yeah now you get fucking murder garage you can't do that garage fridge Kevin and our big fans dude yeah garage fridge garage fridge dude when someone now we could they were one fridge people yeah we just had a college college boy dude when when fucking you were at someone's house and you heard go to the fridge in the garage yeah I had one I still have parents had all the stuff in the jar full of oil yeah the homemade cough therapy was next to it wait

what jars full of oil with like the peppers in it yeah yeah yeah like the clear clear thing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ours have like fucking ice pops and sodas and Capri Suns and shit like that dunkaroos that fucking homemade canned peaches and you had that steak from five years ago that was frozen yeah it's like if you do that thing is like you know fucking dry ice in there fucking weapon yeah all right so as everybody knows if we had said here on the podcast Ian is from Wilmington Delaware Wilmington proper five minutes outside of Wilmington proper I'm the shopping center just a couple of basic questions yeah what was the grocery store that you went to when you were a kid was the ACME

ACME pretty good middle of the road meaning part of the curve yeah ACMEs ain't bad name dentist and or pediatrician when you were a kid Dr. Aang was he also in the same shopping center and doctor was he in the ACME I forget who what doctor next to the deli character his name was like Dr. DeSanto's or DeSanto or something that sounds like a DJ welcome back to the Dr. DeSanto show he's not that wedding you didn't get invited to turns out you got chicken pox Dr. DeSanto I think you put the headphones on Dr. DeSanto I didn't allergic reaction to sea claw and my body broke out in hives and I was almost paralyzed what's that it's some medication I don't know and every time I was touched I would scream

I was in such pain and he was like you know he won't lay down and my dad was in the room he's in pain don't touch him like that he goes well he's not cooperating and he pushed me down I screamed my dad took him and push him up the walls like don't ever fucking touch my son again that's garbage right there I like that one time I got in a fight on him on you know that thing that you stand that that playground toy yeah spin right me and a kid got in a fight on they don't have those anymore by the way me and a kid got in a fight on that metal yeah straight fucking metal me and a kid got in a fight on that about the Eagles and my dad I love the Eagles my dad my dad stopped it and put us both on

the ground so we could fight in a safer that's fucking trash yeah that's my dad would do the same thing yeah I keep you what he got alright let's see let's see sorry has anyone in your family ever owned a waterbed I own one I had one too I used to sleep there was it heated all mine was heated no it wasn't so fucking weird was it a single ant it was yes and tiny if you got an aunt tiny you're fucking try and tiny and she lives a truck and tiny who was single and had her own water and tiny was getting it and tiny who lived next door to my Aunt Dolly any time relatives are that close it's fucking tree yep and in Dolly also had a room where aunt sis lives yeah Delaware baby not one of them had a real name in that

whole story and elbow inch and it was next to a salvage yard in Ellesmere Delaware that sounds as you know it's really trashy to you ever have you did you go and Dolly had an above ground pool continue I've been above he's got a semi above ground which is even more trash it's like don't two feet into my knee high parents build a deck around it so you can jump right in oh dude he thinks it's the coolest thing in the world it is fucking gone in the summer to have to take ground pools that's what trash you're justifying the garbage nest just admit we had to take turns on the one lawn chair to get a suntan that's did you grow up near a quarry no okay it's pretty good but but I was 10 minutes away from

a coal like oil plant like a bunch of power plants yeah sure have you ever had a pet explains the forehead and the hairline take what no more questions have you ever owned a guinea pig no never a snake never a hermit crab yes alright I used to thunk him off the cage remember that you'd gain their trust a little bit you'd be like I don't think so Herman have you or any member of your family ever traveled to another state or another town with the express purpose of going to a buffet yes garbage yes my to Lancaster Pennsylvania my grandparents made friends with the Amish and I've had I had two thanksgivings with a straight up Amish family where we shot the oh you shot the

turkeys yes and I would walk around barefoot with them and we're playing clothes so that they would feel more comfortable because they were all black and I'd shovel the manure yeah Jesus you have to die of fight ants yeah anyone in your family play scratch off lottery tickets yes I had an uncle that ran numbers yeah that's pretty classy numbers numbers that's a that's a respectable job yeah growing up did your family have any roommates we had a minor league baseball player stay in your mom's room and one day one day I swear your mama sure does off your baseball boy one day I swear to God I made a joke on Twitter that was like I love Ghostbusters so much I wonder if I was molested when I watched it

immediately this guy I didn't talk to in years and he goes hey we should hang out sometime shut up why you got to you I kind of think I was molested to him blocked out but I kind of have an aversion to baseball now and baseball players um kippy are there currently any catch up packets in your fridge soy sauce packets that's on the fence I collect chopsticks that's normal nobody really keeps a big jar of soy sauce right well I do because I have Asian roommates yeah I got a big progressive I got an Asian girlfriend we got the best stuff okay what is it what are you trying to prove me wrong here I know what about um who used to babysit you when you were a kid oh dude I had a fucking cast a character because we

had a woman that was that was mentally challenged up that baby so let me tell you something we fucking tortured this poor woman Jesus we used to she would send us to bed we would wait like an hour like a full hour and then sneak back downstairs why she was all by herself watching TV and sneak up into the chair behind her and just fucking yank to recline her back so she would fall we'd scream those we just we'd yell moon ride moon ride that's what we called it we called it a moon ride we give we'd give Doreen Kareke a moon ride that's a trashy named Doreen Doreen Kareke hold Doreen me and me and Terri are going out oh my god I left 20 for pizza call moon rides either Henry

call that retard Doreen and hide the sharp objects you know what's crazy is that like after a little while they hired another one that would come with her and she was also mentally challenged they were the only two people to live in moon top what are you talking about mountain top where the fuck you were from dude we had one so my buddy had one growing up and like his parents would go out and this girl would woman I don't know she was from the wrong side of the track and Ben Salem Pennsylvania bad like a lot of babysitters are from the wrong side yeah well yeah there's no fucking you know Scott rogue scholars going out for babysitting jobs so she would let it we were 1213 and she would let us watch porn

and now looking back like the first wait how old was she like 20s 30 she had to be new still hard no the first time we can watch them when we get home we were leaving the drop me off lady this is fucking wait really yeah dude that you were one step away from being molested it wasn't I was my friend so like I was with my friends and if you're 13 she's 20 that's not my wife she was like she was late 20 she was late 20 she shouldn't have been doing it all right no way I was obviously she I was going to be in a position for her to molest me but you want to talk garbage you want to talk garbage you want to talk garbage the first cigarette I ever smoked was as my babysitter ah that's pretty bad and

what was it what was the brand and and my mom's true true box remember those the gray box the cigarettes no if I behaved well with my stepdad's family my mom would let me smoke cigarettes how old were you sixth grade she was the 80s yeah it was I mean 90s that's still that 96 that's still mom would let you smoke I was such a bad I'll let you have a cigarette if you're good I'll let you have a cigarette I'll give you one of my poem I'll give you one cigarette if you behave yourself did your mom have a cigarette purse like a little little cases that the little red permit snaps open they used to put their cigarettes in we used to play with that all the time no but they would just I didn't have

a red purse I just had red marks where they put the cigarettes out on me have you anyway have you ever owned or inquired a timeshare have you ever sold time shares no but I sold free construction estimates hi I did that too are you currently who'd work for a who was it was absolutely builders in Delaware I was global home hang on a second here are you were an immigrant we're currently interested in it that's a good that's a good piece of business right there by the end by the end of the show I'm like I'm sure you're like they gave me a pen it's physically irresponsible not to do it because when we were in AC last together there was a dude in the five and dime store that had his own little stand that

was yeah he was pitching them yeah dude he had he had been doing math for like a week and he put the polo shirt on fucking oh man not good is there still a VCR at your mom's house yes whoa what you watching yikes yeah go fully when you were okay here you go is your belly button and any or an Audi because if it's an Audi you're good but I bet you were the kind of kid that had an Audi when you were a kid you seem like you were a little look a little skinny piece of skinny kid that was like muscular my my uncle said that I look like a bleached Rwandan real progressive guy remember the Rwandan genocide that's the other that works for the Obama campaign now he's the one that blew his head off a couple years ago

classic oh that's garbage too and he still sides in the family he ran out of his government Vietnam money and blew his head off anybody go postal in your family have you ever used a barbecue in a public park to cook out yes I've done all the time not go our family dinners at a rest stop that's garbage yes which one Smyrna Delaware Smyrna I don't know what Smyrna is why I remember my Smyrna because that was a central location for us to meet that's a little I mean but that was a rest stop it had like a park yeah he said the same thing about his Smyrna above ground in indoor outdoor pool these are good memories just I'm not saying they're not it's you make the best with what you got of course and I'd rather have that

than a fucking I don't even know what rich people do for whatever we went to the shore we went to the beach we would all pitch in and rent like a condo together you know my dad 27 people for my dad's mom hold on hold on hold on a condo was it near a beach or anything it was on the boardwalk or just like you know like another part of your town no is it the Inverhobe Beach Rojoba yeah we'd all we'd all cram into a condo together first week of August my dad's mom at a trailer down in like Lewis he and I would go down there and we fix things up at the trailer it was a best you know I almost I loved it when my father when we moved to Philadelphia to the suburbs of Philadelphia which I believe changed us

from becoming absolutely complete garbage you would have been a squirrel hunter or something I can't imagine what I can't hang out I gotta I gotta go hunt for beaver pill haven't you done Wisecrackers yeah so that's where I grew up that's where I grew up in Wilkesbury Wow we would have stayed up there instead of moving instead of moving yeah I used to play as a data girl that lived in a halfway house in Wilkesbury yeah I used to go up and visit her so we moved out of there when I was in fourth grade and moved down I told her I loved her in a Denny's what we moved to the suburbs of Philadelphia that's garbage by the way tell him somebody that lives in a halfway house that you love him

at Denny's yeah but yeah been to a Denny's recently still a top shelf operation amazing oh my god you look like you were at a Denny's today get the sample you look like you are at Denny's but if we didn't stay if we stayed in Wilkesbury and didn't move to the suburbs of Philadelphia which is a nice area I God knows what I'd be doing right now you probably be better off yeah you'd be a property owner for sure yeah dude you probably have a family you'd be content no you wouldn't have to get glasses that make you feel better you wouldn't be wearing big pun sweatshirt either yeah yeah you wouldn't be wearing a letter rest jacket still not a player I just eat a lot you fucking stink yeah you probably have a better colored

tongue yeah that thing that looks like a cow's tongue like a shiba wieners tongue shiba wieners dogs those Japanese dogs this is my friend Japanese dog Rachel everybody don't forget to rate review subscribe he follows me to work every day just sits waiting for me to get out I practiced kissing him one time one time give me another question I got one I think I'm out I think this is so funny because I'm realizing all these things and I'm like of course this is the best yeah I love it have you have you ever been to a wedding at a VFW no I have I've been to a couple may tell you something my ska band used to play and oddly goes good together mashed potatoes and meatballs go phenomenal together that's

always what they have their mashed potatoes meatballs they have some kind of roast which you've catered the fucking thing fried chicken and a little coleslaw how do you feel about coleslaw I have played a VFW haul if you like coleslaw you're fucking trapped I have played a VF coleslaw is one of my favorites I have played a VFW haul yeah me too that was also a place where they had like a funeral and they were have dated a funeral the week before funeral the week after and they just didn't change anything because I just turned oh god and I'm pretty cool for the for the for the for the band though where was it was somewhere in pencil there's a lot of pencil wait hold on what was it back what was the name of your

band sockful of pennies that's not too bad ennyz that's terrible trash this is one this it's a very common dp in the pool I know but I pee in public I pee in the pool what do you mean I pee outside oh sure I pee on the street I pee between cars yeah yeah you know I've shit in a bag on on Lansdowne Street in Boston how do you feel about the Fast and the Furious franchise never seen it they're pretty good not not too bad never seen it alright I got one more pick one yeah you got Applebee's Fridays or Olive Garden Olive Garden all day I gotta go I gotta go Fridays me and you went to Fridays in Altoona Pennsylvania oh buddy that was a game changer I don't know if they got a new head chef or what they're

doing but it ain't it ain't bad I'm telling if you go to one of those casual dining establishments in small towns where there's not like a like a like a like a real restaurant they are fucking on yeah they are on the point I went to a Denny's in Altoona with cotton and it was like he spent a lot of fucking time in Altoona Pennsylvania he looks like Altoona hey I'm tuna Altoona he had some bad Altoona anyway that's his nice restaurant Denny's real class yeah she's talking you love them put out a Michelin star so that's the story is your fucking garbage we knew that going in but I'm a lovable garbage I'm a lovable garbage can we all are that's the point is everybody's fucking trash and it's funny to jump back into your life it's

good to admit it because to everything that you're not is lying to yourself of course of course anyone that tries to say that they're yeah but I feel like rich people's garbage is more like manipulative behaviors in a way like our garbage was a lot of physical circumstantial things but I feel like rich people's garbage is like oh I you know spread rumors about so or something like that but they still do like rich people really work with their family too like they don't like they're not like as like loving with each other yeah and like not as loving with each other but like they'll be like a like they'll go out to dinner and they'll split the check or something weird like that I don't know I just say like give me a park

give me a bench and give me a grill that's nailed to the ground and I'll give you a good childhood no for sure I get you come finally baseball players thrown in there too I just don't make sure we don't watch Ghostbusters listen gang this is our brand new podcast guys are you garbage we want to tell you to rate review and subscribe on itunes it'll be on YouTube on Spotify anywhere you listen to podcast but especially itunes please rate review leave five stars and yeah tell a friend we appreciate it and can I tell you to follow me on Instagram of course I plug anything you want but I animal like iPhone but I animal I am Ian finance dot com for all my dates I got a lot of fun stuff coming up and shows

coming up yeah baby I'm going on tour it's gonna be a lot of fun and I couldn't be happier that you guys asked me to do that buddy thank you so my oldest friends in comedy I love you both so much I gotta tell you he vetoed it right away though well he's not acting like calls every day hey so here's a question here's a time here I want to show up oh my god of course I would but it all worked out the experiment I thought was that was pretty good garbage yeah yeah I'm so happy I could be a part of it thank you guys so much I love you both thank you I want to make sure everybody subscribed on all these we got it anxious all right we need this yeah what do you got that's it Kevin Ryan comedy dot com on all

social media it's at Kevin Ryan comedy Twitter Facebook anything coming up all my dates are yeah I'll be in AC Connecticut a couple shows in Connecticut yeah so just go to Kevin Ryan comedy dot com very nice I got a couple of things I just want everybody to keep an eye out for the new season of the last OG on TV I'm gonna be on as well as well as well as you go to the rap party oh that's tonight I gotta go home you got your cool you got your cool jacket on I do make sure I'm Tracy I'm just like you keep an eye for that who are you and I have a movie coming out in the spring called the outside story with Brian Tyree Henry it's an awesome movie yes keep an eye out for it and we'll be back next week with

a brand new episode and a brand new guest are you garbage see you thanks guys