Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ian Fidance Returns! Again!

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with Aunt Tuddy's other nephew, Ian Fidance! It a hot one. The kid is certified bonkos. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys!  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE https://www.GetRoman.com/GARBAGE https://www.expressvpn.com/Garbage https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! New York City, New York! Kippy and Uncle Hank are coming home to roost, baby! October 27th, Helium Comedy Club, Philly, Pennsylvania, come and see us! And then for the New York Comedy Festival, we're gonna be at Gotham Comedy Club on November 9th. These shows are gonna sell out! Gain your tickies! Gah!

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Sure is. It's a little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out if they go out to be classy, or if they're just a big ol' piece of trash.

I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Aunt Tootie's basement. She's out in the backyard enjoying the fall weather. She's burning some leaves, which her boyfriend's actually cooking some ice in the garage. And she said it keeps the police dogs off the trail. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He's the CEO of Are You Garbage?

International businessman, influencer. He wears a lot of hats. Cover up his bald head. Okay. I have a new nickname for you. god well first you were kevin ryan kevin james ryan sure then you became kippy i think now with your meteoric rise you're behind the scenes you engineered this whole thing i think you're you're a thing now okay and i And I'm going with... The thing. Ready? I'm going with KJ.

Do we like it? KJ. This has been fun. I got to get out of here. Yeah, no. Give it up for KJ, everybody. T-Bone cut that in post. What?

What's up, everybody? Happy to be here. There will be no referencing of KJ moving forward. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are... True to roof. True to fucking roof, baby. And then was there... There was one more thing we had to

plug. I want to get some holy water. Is that... For the Contis and the Yams. It's not Pornhub. Patreon.com slash RU Garbage, the greatest website in all the land. Sign up, get a bunch of bonus content.

We got the golf outing just went up there. The AYG Invitational. Yes, sir. A lot of bonus material on there. 70 hours is what I'm told. More than that. That's a weekend. A long one.

Okay. Anything else? No, that's it. Gang, how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good. T-Bone McMuffin. You know Toby McMullen? Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes?

What up, T-Bone? Dude, I'm stoked. This is like when your teacher rolls in the combination DVD VHS player in class. We got a real laser disc over here. This kid was hot for about nine months. I'd rather watch two dung beetles fucking. Go back and play with the Bunsen burner. This thing stinks.

Gang, we're kidding, of course, because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back again with us today. He's like a five, six timer. He's officially, I've been thinking about it, part of the family. You are a cousin. Yeah. You are officially a cousin of the show. Yes.

No monetary compensation. Don't be giving him that. We'll work on it. We'll work on it. No, no, no. Slowly but surely. He's going to be shown up to a lawyer with, they said I was a cousin. Oh, he's got real change.

The will face. Gang. It's cousin. He'd fight it. He's a wacky guy. Oh, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure and honor and a privilege to be in the studio with the

family. T-bone H Foley. And my favorite KJ. Yeah. KJ. KJ, and my favorite, KJ. Yeah, KJ. Woo! KJ. Fucking KJ. What's up, KJ? That's a very KJ jacket.

That is a KJ jacket. Yes. KJ Ryan, dude. KJ's sweet. KJ in the house. We've got to get you in the studio with that Billie Eilish. Get a mixtape. Also, just want to say, you guys got 70 hours of footage.

If Foley said that's a weekend, there's only 48 hours. I let it slide because I didn't want to be a stickler, but that's like three weekends. No, I know. That's why I said a long weekend. It was a joke. We're being funny. Buddy, it's great to have you back here. I'm so happy to be back.

All right. Thanks for coming. See you later. The lights go on and he gets a weird vibe to him. What? What are you talking about? What's with the cigarette? It was a joke pre-show and then I thought I see, I don't think it is.

We're already flattening each other's tires. I can't wait. I don't think it is. We're going to need a tow truck by the end of the episode. You're going to be that guy when we're older. What? Walking around with the unlit cigarette. You've got a nicotine problem.

I just saw we got tagged in. A lot of people tagged us in a post years. You were smoking in a fucking airport. Yeah. That's crazy. What do you mean? That's a federal offense. The airport bathroom.

And then puts it on Instagram. Yeah. It's crazy. It's like one of these TikTokers. I'm living my best life. You're fucking jacked up by a sky marshal of 30,000 feet. I had a layover in Minneapolis. Long flight.

Didn't have a vape. What are you going to do? Can't leave the airport and come back in because of security. You go to the bathroom. You light a Bernie. You light a little toilet paper on fire. Mask the smell. Take a few puffs. Take out a security guard. Lick it in the toilet.

Fucking Jason Bourne over here. You put on a TSA guy's outfit. Filling him up for free. Set a small fire in a trash can as a distraction. Yes. You go to the other terminal. God damn, that's crazy. Bomb threat.

You get on the flight first. It's all right. I wanted to have a cigarette, so I posed as an airline pilot. Flew to Miami. Yes. They have a break room there. We're going to be flying. What a fun joke

about a thing that didn't happen. Sure. That's cuckoo bananas. It's not even we're talking. I mean, he posted it all along. No, that's on you. You posted it.

So I'm fucking turning state's evidence if it comes down to me. Listen, you rat. Your whole family's fucking rats. Listen, you big fat rat. Listen, you fucking rat. All right?

Foley's a big rat outside the union. Did that for a couple summers. I think I told you that. It's a good gig. At my first Holy Communion, the guy showed up as a fun time because my family was so pro-union. The guy had it in his trunk. No way. And to play with the kids, he dressed up as the rat

and started with just dancing in the backyard. Shut up. That's how fucking dirty. You had a rat dancing at your first Foley? I didn't think anything of it. It was my Uncle Jimmy who wasn't my uncle. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't know you knew Foley that long.

What are you judging him? You're smoking in a luggage compartment. Fucking weasel. Down there with the beagles. Is that that cold in here? Is this pressurized? Oh, fuck. Nah, man.

You got to do what you got to do. That's not a good look. That's a dumb idea. That's up there with you guys when you steal from the airports with the candy bars. That's even worse. You don't steal from the airport? No, I don't steal from the airport. He would never get away.

Yeah, no. Are you kidding me? They got eyes on you the second you go to the candy aisle. I'm telling you. I got a whole pizza. You steal from the airport. You smoke in the bathroom. No.

The shit house is going down. You might as well get your kicks before it goes up in flames. They will jack you up. If a fucking air marshal. Not an air marshal. They got the TSA guys. Have you met the TSA guys? Huh?

Unfortunately, I have. I'll talk about Bozo. I'm not talking about the TSA guys. That's the Bozo Brigade. There's another level above huh unfortunately i have a talk about bozo that's the bozo brigade there's another level above the clowns and brown dudes with the guns and the fucking and the ar-15s one of them opens that fucking stall door and you have a fucking listen if you're lighting toilet paper on fire it's fucking fucking packed up mission impossible baby i'm bonding there i'm in and. I'm not sitting around smoking, reading a paper, getting a few puffs. Maybe make an Instagram story. Pop it in the toilet, make a couple stories, you know?

Edit it in post. I'm not doing live edits. I'm doing edits on an airplane. I got a switcher, okay? It edits itself. I'm out in 10 minutes. Toby, can you come to JFK with me? Toby, if I email you, could you go back to me quickly?

That's stupid. That's trashy. Stop doing that. And buy a vape. It's always got to be something with you, doesn't it? I'm not doing it on a plane. He does come with a lot of clauses in this one. Yes! Yes! Santa Claus is coming to town. When you get real successful

and real famous, you're going to be a problem. What do you mean? He's a problem now. I'm a problem child, baby. Ian's going to Ian, baby. When he has some power. Listen, the whole world's

getting fire danced. And you got fire danced. You got fire danced, bitch. Hey, I'm just having fun. You've been with people for a couple of weeks. I'm living my best life. Yeah, you are. You got finance, bitch. New show. Hey, I'm just having fun. You've been with people for a couple of weeks. I'm living my best life. Yeah, you are. I'll give you that.

You're having a good time. Thank you. You're very you. Yes. We had a great time in Moon Tower. We had a great time. We spent the whole weekend together in Moon Tower. No fights, no blowups, just a good old-fashioned hang.

The best fucking weekend in the world. We hanged. Hung. We hung the whole time. That night, walking home, we're fucking in the 7-Eleven, crying, laughing, and some stranger goes, wow, you guys really like to have fun. Oh, I forgot about that. I forgot.

We were. What happened? Do you remember what happened? Dude. I said something about Gatorade, and we lost it. There's a half-eaten sausage in aisle seven, and we're just fucking crying. You were drunk. I was on a sack full of mushrooms.

Ian's eating. I'm Ian. You said something about the Gatorade, that they only had low-cal Gatorade. For some reason, that made me fall into the bread aisle. I was looking for the high octane. I don't know, but you left, and me and Foley are in line, and there's all these toys, and finally the fat man

died down, and he got his shit together. Wasn't laughing. We had that sigh. And dude, I squeezed this thing, and it went like, and we fucking died all over again, like shaking getting change from the cashier. It was so much fun.

That was a hoot. It was. We went swimming in the watering hole. Walt went down in a watering hole, bike ride. Yes. We were the biker boys, the scooting, booting. Toby's 3D 360 filming it. That shit was fun.

Oh, my god. Yup. You guys are like Stockton and Malone over here. Jesus Christ. Talk about the fucking Iceman Square. What the fuck? That balloon deflated.

Fucking Pippin and Pippin over here. We were having a good time. I'm not going to lie. I read the playbook. I knew that was coming to me. Jesus Christ. Oh, that was a no-look pass to a no-look catch. Yikes.

Gang, this is a family episode. We have a little bit of company. We're going to be reading your Patreon questions. As you know, you sign up for Patreon. You get a question right on the air.

Bit of a backlog, as KJ says. But don't worry. KJ's going to get it done. Oh, also, shout out KJ. We're going to the Menzingers, baby. Yes, we are. We're going to see the Menzingers. I am not waiting.

A group of us are going. Yes. Who's going? Me. Yes. You. Yes. Foley.

Yes. Toby. And Shane Torres was, but he can't now. Cancel. Yeah. Yes. He's out on tour at that Burt Kreischer Yes You think it'll just be a family time? What do you mean? I'm gonna try to sell it

It's a VIP thing, I'm gonna try to hawk it Are you gonna hawk it? Are you gonna try to make a little bit of cash? I'm gonna make a little bit of cash Ian's gonna get in on the cash? You gotta buy everybody t-shirts Yeah, get merch, we'll all get t-shirts Yeah, Menzinger's t-shirts. Yes, I can't wait. I think they have a flag you could use.

Just give me the bus. Hey, who painted your bus? Could you do my Foley? I got a co-host with a hankering for a shirt. Anything for you, KJ. Oh, you didn't tell me KJ's gonna be here.

KJ's everywhere. Yeah. I don't know. They're probably whatever all access you can get is yeah. Are we gonna meet the band? Yeah, I'm sure. Oh my god. I mean, you're not anymore. Are they aware of this?

Do they know us? Yeah. Okay. So I'll be known when I walk into their green room. You'll be smelled for sure. They'll smell you getting off the A train. Classic KJ right there. Classic KJ. Holy shit. KJ moves quick.

You thought Kippy was fast. That's good. I don't want to walk into a green room if they don't know me. I don't want to be just some bozo. Well, you are going to be a bozo. Because I now have an affection for these gentlemen. Yes. Well, you're going to look great becausezo. Because I now have an affection for these gentlemen. Yes.

Well, you're going to look great because I'm going to be crying. Oh, God. Yeah. Man. Talk about showing off the mutants at table nine. Can we get a picture? Can I play drums? Was there really an Anna?

Did you really live and feel an Anna? I'm cool to them. They think I'm cool. You guys can't ruin that. Of course you're cool. You're KJ. As long as they know. Yeah, of course. What do you mean?

Everybody knows KJ's cool. And when I go to their concerts, I wear a leather jacket. I'm just letting you know. Is that true? I spike my hair and wear a leather jacket. Will they bring you? KJ goes to concerts. Will they bring you on stage

To do something with them Oh can you get us on stage to sing Oh my god It's not karaoke You guys know any Limp Bizkit Can you close your third eye blind Dude dude dude Ian stop

Will they bring you on stage No Blind. Dude, dude, dude. Ian, stop. Will they bring you on stage? No. Why? What would I do on stage? Be KJ. Yeah. Just cage it up.

KJ. Everyone's chanting. KJ. Yeah, I like it. KJ's going to take the leather jacket off. Never. I mean, all jokes. I think it goes Harry Styles and then you right now. Well, as KJ?

As far as like, you know. As far as guys that wear dresses? As far as the It guys right now. Okay. I'll take it. Maybe Pattinson because he's got that Batman movie coming out. Oh, have you ever seen Good Time? Yeah.

He's incredible in that. Yeah. What is this, NPR? I know. Jesus Christ. Why don't you take your mustache out for a walk for a little bit while we do the show? All right, we're broadcasting here. Fucking bozo.

I wish there was a neat check button I could push on Ian to send him up to the next floor. Bing! Hey, guys. You should have a show called Fidanced, where you move in with people and see how long they can take you living there. Oh, wow. It's pretty good. I want no parking. Free rent?

I'm in. You'd be breaking up couples. Kids would be emancipating themselves. Yeah. I'm fucking the dead and the mad. You guys mind if I squat for a while? Can I put a glory hole in the bathroom? Is everything in the fridge mine? It just makes things funner.

Holy shit. We got a hot one, folks. This kid's screwballs. You really are. Yeah. Those are an odd set of keys, by the way. What's that to? Yeah, there's three forklift keys on that.

How many Bobcats do you own? I'm on a agenda down at the Y. What are those for? My bicycle and my apartment. What are the black ones? Black ones, yeah. It's like a Honda lawnmower. Is that what you got, a craftsman?

John Deere. This is my kryptonite. This is my Azos. You have three locks for your bike? No, I got an extra one just in case. And then this is my front door, my door, and a key to my friend's apartment in Seattle that I still have from four years ago. He's bad with keys.

He's had the bathroom key here at Tootie's For five months Six months What was the last key for? I stepped on it with a bad joke You? Yeah A friend of mine's in Seattle And she no longer lives there But it's a key to her apartment

When I was out in Seattle back in 2017 I just never got it back to her What's crazy is It's crazy that it's not in the realm... It's not out of the realm of possibility that one day you'll use that key. Yes, it is. I don't know.

I can see you... I'm not a fucking creep. I'm a fucking dude that's got ADHD. I fucking forget. I'm a guy who loves other things. Yeah. I'm not a creep. I'm a guy who's creepy. I'm not a creep. I'm a guy who's creepy.

I'm not a creep. I'm a pervert. There's a difference. I'm deranged. I'm not insane. I'm crazy. Look at him. But I did give you back your key. Eight months later. Also, in classic Ian fashion, he has to come in and do a bid.

He opens up the door and goes, hey. He goes, hey, I'm going to run to the bathroom. I got my own key, by the way. He probably held a piss in for the last two days. I got to hold it in to a drill. This bitch got to work. Toby offered the keys. He said, keys are here.

I said, don't worry. I got my own. Not bad, Ian. Well played. Thank you, Not bad Ian Well played Thank you my friend Well played You're back You're here

Meanwhile you cost me 35 bucks with the super For a new bathroom key New bathroom key We had to get Where's that coming from The fucking Extra meds in your ticket

KJ's got it KJ don't pay for bathroom keys Sell that ticket high KJ Alright let's get into A couple of questions Or at least attempt to These always go off the rail Quickly with Mr. Fadan, let's get into a couple of questions, or at least attempt to. These always go off the rail quickly with Mr. Fidant. Well, let's fucking do it.

I love getting off the rail with you. Me too. Off the rail with Fidant. Yes! Ooh. Wow. That's not bad. That's why I'm KJ.

Yes! Copyright Antoody's LLC. Copyright Ian. Beat you to it. Now we own you. He's doing it like he called shotgun. Copyright Ian. Popcorn, Fidant.

Hey, that's my show. Touch flag, no trade back. I don't remember that one. No? Were you a big punch buggy guy? I was getting punched. There's not even a car. We're in the living room.

Get off of me. Mom, stop. I was a big doorknob guy. Safety and doorknob. You guys play that? Safety? I still play it. What was that?

Was you farted? Was that a fart game? You're going to say safety, and if you don't, someone calls doorknob, and they beat the shit out of you until you touch a doorknob. Yeah. And to this day, I still fart and say safety from PTSD from when I was younger. Now, did you play that with the friends you didn't have when you were a kid? How do you get beat up by an imaginary person?

Have you ever seen Fight Club? I'm kicking my ass. Kip, let's talk about Roman. Roman? Let's talk about Roman. We're talking about getroman.com backslash garbage is what we're talking about. Yep. Because let me ask you this.

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Yeah, do it. Protect yourself. I don't know if we've asked you that, but that's a pretty good Ian question. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? Yes. Did we talk about this? Yes. How could we have not?

I don't know if we did, but I bet all of my money. Absolutely. He probably still has reunions with them. I had an imaginary friend. I got a dinner with my imaginary friend from high school coming up. I got to take this phone call. Ian, how many people are in this room right now? I mean, the couch is full.

I brought my fan club. The couch is full. I don't know who's in the closet here. Tony, come on in. Yes, I had an imaginary friend. Did we talk about it? Yes, it was a deer. And yes, his name was Venatio.

What? Yes. You had not even a human. Man, what a loser. I love animals. You're going to lose your imagination. And animals love me because I have a kind fucking soul. You had an imaginary deer friend.

Yes. Was it part human or just deer? Just deer. Did it speak? He was a deer friend. Oh, deer friend. Yes. Was it part human or just deer? Just deer. He was a deer friend. Oh, my God. Hate. Hate him. Cheers.

You just got fired. Did he speak English? He spoke to me. Yeah. Really? Venetian. Now, was this an actual deer that existed and you bonded or you just made up a deer? We bonded.

But I'm saying there was a deer that lived in your area. Well, me and my family would go camping and I'd always find little... There's a picture of... I found a little chipmunk in a hole and I put a bunch of rocks... You belong under glass. Really?

That's career crazy, dude. I put a bunch of rocks around it and spelled my name in a heart and I spelled my name out Ian with rocks. And it was my little friend. And me and my parents took a picture in front of it. What's he up to now? I'll send it.

Hang it on my wall. Well, we had him in shoot that name. There's a video of my dad being like, and Ian, what's the name of your friend? And I had a little speech impediment when I was younger, and I went, Benatio. And I really think I was haunted. Man. Wait, but you didn't answer.

Was the deer real, and you made up this relationship? Or are you like- How crazy are you? I don't know. He doesn't even know. I never told him about deer. You had an imaginary friend? No.

No? What? That's like a natural part of childhood. You had an imaginary friend? No. No? What? That's like a natural part of childhood. Yeah, for the loonies. Yeah, I was doing my parents' taxes when I was like eight. He's fucking blowing up the rat in the backyard. I was on the fast track. KJ slid out in a members-only jacket and got to work.

Yeah, hey, what are we doing? Let's crunch some numbers. What's the algorithm looking like, guys? How much Freon's in the AC right now, huh? You never had an imaginary friend. Absolutely not. You never. I had a family and brothers.

I was an only child. Okay, why are you honing us? Well, because, you know- Tough luck. I'm taking up for my friend. Here's your beautiful deer. I got Venatio's back. It sounds like you're saying fellatio, by the way.

Which you do enjoy. Yeah, who doesn't? Sure. Would the deer come into the house? No, come on. It's an animal. Did you see there's a viral video going around and someone has a zebra in their house?

No way. He's like, man, this motherfucker's got a whole ass zebra and it's just like walking in the bedroom. It's fucking greatuckers got a whole ass zebra. And it's just like walking in the bedroom. It's fucking great. Called it a whole ass zebra. I can see you doing something like that. Oh, yeah. The other night we were in Wisconsin and there were deer like next to the hotel.

And I was trying to walk up to him to see how close I could get. Got them running away. And then it tells behind me playing the recorder a couple of lady killers He's got a recorder yeah, he plays a recorder on stage and and I'm I'm going let's get closer And then I edge up a little bit and I just hear him playing the recorder and I look around Just playing recorder at me and a bunch of deer. You two aren't on a no-fly list. They probably are.

I'm smoking the airport. Skulking around the Midwest in the evenings. Listen, man. Both of you dressed in all black. I know. Trash bags for luggage. With a recorder. That's the most unsettling part.

I know. I got a ukulele I'm telling you Having an imaginary friend Is a very normal thing As a child Have I will concede

When your imaginary friend Is a deer Yes That's the weird part Maybe not the most normal thing But hey I'm a unique fella Sure

No I agree Yeah yeah yeah So it wouldn't come into the house With you and be in your room To be honest I don't remember I just remember playing with him In the backyard Shock therapy fella sure no I agree yeah so it wouldn't come into the house with you and be in your room to be honest I don't remember I just remember playing with him in the backyard and shock therapy chased away some of the memories yeah and I remember at one point I told my family there was like a guy in the living room and he was he was dressed like in armor I think I saw your poor fucking mother. I was haunted. Try to enjoy your freaking TV dinner after a long day's work.

Is somebody in the evening room? He had his head spinning around while Sunday morning cartoons are on. My mom used to have to put me in like a backpack when she cleaned the house because if she turned her back on me, I'd be running around. What? Yeah. Not a backpack, like a little harness that attached to the back. It? Not a backpack. Like a little harness that's attached to the back. It's called a cage. Dude, that's

a rambunctious kid. I picture him on one of those sticks with a loop that they put on rabid dogs. High energy. They keep you at a distance. Dude, my mom would clean the house. And she'd chain me up in the yard. It was a big deal. Put me on a zip line in the backyard, you know?

I was running around. What were you like with a little piece of sugar in you when you were a kid? I was only allowed to listen to rap for one hour a day because I would just run up and down the stairs screaming the lyrics. Every home movie that we had as a kid ended with me getting yelled at. Let me ask you. Every single one. God damn it, Ian.

Ends with the camera aiming towards the ground going, Ian, no. Oh, my God. Taking it one step too far. Yeah. Throwing the toaster in the fish tank. What was it about rap music that would charge you up? I don't know, man. Something about Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer really got me going.

Let me ask you this. When you picture him as a kid, you picture him with the mustache, right? I mean, receding hairline mustache. When I think of you as a kid, everything's exactly the same, just a smaller body. Bad case of botulism. Botulism?

Were you ever in the hospital for an extended period of time as a child? Absolutely. What's the matter with you? It was like my sleepovers. That poor cat you're holding. When did that thing die? Seldom do you catch the murderer in the act. Well, it was...

You look like you're choking that fucking kitten out. Yeah, it was taken away. You look like you're choking that fucking kitten out. Yeah, it was taken away. I'm trying to find the picture of me with the little heart in the woods. But what did you ask? Oh, have I ever went to the hospital? Yes.

Yeah, you never did? No. I had an allergic reaction to a medication. Your mom tried to poison you. Yeah, Comet will do that. Yeah, the medication was to get my head held underwater in the bathtub. The medication was her driving her car into a lake. I can't believe they didn't kill you as a kid.

I'm dead serious. I know. I would have thrown you in a duffel bag and tossed you over a fucking bridge on the way back from that campsite. You pulled that chipmunk bullshit. Get the fuck out of here. There's someone in the living room. The picture with the chipmunk is so cute. Also, I used to love putting on makeup as a kid. I still do.

This is me as a clown. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. It looks like you blew a kid. This is me as a clown. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. It looks like you blew a clown. Holy shit. Man, look at those dead eyes. Who's the guy behind you? It's like a shark.

I thought that was the priest performing the exorcism. I thought that was the court appointed. You can see that guy's gun and badge. You're going to go away for a little while. You got to post these pictures on WhatsApp. Holy shit. I have sweat coming out of my head. Hold on.

Was that even Halloween? Why were you dressed up like that? Yeah, it was Halloween, but I also used to not dress up. It was Christmas? After preschool, I used to come on and put Joker makeup on because I loved Batman and the Joker. Yeah, most kids that like Batman like Batman. They don't dress up as the Joker. Here's a video of me being Steve Urkel in second grade.

If you're in blackface, don't show it. We can't take that hit. Things are going well. I get a video of me falling down and hit my head. It's cute. Are you going to play it for us? Yeah. You know, we're going to have to post this now.

It looks like a horror movie. I know. That's found footage. Yeah. That's real Blair movie. I know. That's found footage. Yeah. That's real Blair Witch. I know. Here it comes. Oh, he's going back for sure.

Dude. Wait, is that your dad? Yeah. He definitely kicked you over. I'm telling you right now. I was trying to grab him. No, he wasn't. He was trying to fucking get rid of you.

The fix was in. Here, ready? Just listen. Just listen. Oh. No, no, no. You don't spray that around. That goes here.

Spray that on. The video ends. Jesus, you are fucking. You are Hall of Fame crazy. Hall of Fame, baby. Hall of Fame. All right. Stop looking at the. You start crying in of Fame. All right. Stop looking at the...

You start crying in a minute. All right. A couple more. Put your phone away. I'm trying to find the... Oh, here's a picture of me in makeup. Who's on the left? Who's the guy on the right?

My cousin. What the fuck? What the fuck? Let me see. Oh, I'm sorry.'re being Madonna well you missed the mark I thought she was a puppet I thought it was one of those porcelain dolls I had the best fucking childhood up into a certain point not on paper I can tell you that. All right, let's go. What kind of life did you guys live? Huh?

I mean, yeah, I'd be an asshole if I never said I put my mom's lipstick on. Oh, yeah. There it is. I've dabbled in the rouge department a little bit.

There it is. A blouse with a nice set of shoulder pads in it. My dad never tried to kick me down a flight of stairs, though. I can tell you that. Well, you know,

there was no kick. He was trying to stop the down a flight of stairs, though. I can tell you that. Well, you know, there was no kick. He was trying to stop the little horse from falling back. Yeah. I'll find the little picture, and you guys will ooh and aah at how cute it is. All right, we'll do it later. Let's get into some questions here. Come on.

All right. We got business to do here. You want to see a dick pic? No. All right, sorry. Yours or your girl's? Up. Yeah, I mean, this is just a normal picture, Ian.

But that's the chipmunk, his home. Oh. Who are these poor people you rolled in? That's my parents. That's your mom? That's your mom? That's my mom. Pretty tight.

Yeah. That's my dad. Get your hairline from your dad, I see. Oh, you know, hey, that's a compliment. Me too. He's a handsome fella. Yeah. I know, my mom, you know, well, what can you do fella I know, my mom What does that mean?

Nothing Look at that happy family I was raised with so much love And they let me be a little freak Splinter And now here we are Now you're talking about Going to the movies with imaginary friends.

Yeah. Fred is real. Can my dear come to the concert? You got Jacob and Venatio? He's a killer in a mash pit. He knows all the lyrics. Okay. I can't believe you guys never had imaginary friends.

Yeah, no. I think we might have talked about this before with you. Well, you guys had siblings. Yes. And cousins and friends. I didn't. I had imaginary friends. Yeah, no, I think we might have talked about this before with you. Well, you guys had siblings. Yes, and cousins and friends. I didn't. I had friends. I had cousins, but there was a lot of alone time. It's a very only child thing to have.

Quit laughing at me. Did your room lock from the outside? Of course. Had a piece of wood that they pulled down. Come on. No. They didn't need to. I was chained to the bed.

Were you ever? That radiator was in their tights. No, I wasn't. They didn't tie you down at night? No. Definitely there was some test done at some point. I would have to assume. I had a key to the lock.

There was some test done on you at some point in your childhood. I would have to assume. For ADHD, yeah. They put on Ice Ice Baby, and they're like, yeah, he's got it. Do the MC Hammer test. He just comes. He comes shooting out. Can't touch his thing.

Yes, Mrs. Vianance, he's ripe with it. I don't know what it is, but this kid's got it. They call it Skittles disease. Can we get started here? What is wrong with you? I don't know. KG? KJ.

KJ. Get it right, bozo. Whoa, look at him when he's got glasses on. Look at me. Oh, man. Holy shit. What? Ah, there you are.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm back. Don't take those off again, will you? It's a family show. He's scaring away the sponsors. We're going to lose Helix. Who called you? I think it was Akash called you a guess who character.

The picture you're peeking out of the back window of a van. Are his eyes both sunken and bulging? He didn't like that. Why don't you just worry about your little buttons back there, all right? Huh, pal? Hey, button boy. Your buttons. Worry about your buttons.

That's cutting. I'll stay on the buttons, my bad. Beautiful. Can we conduct some business'll stay on the buns, my bad. Beautiful. Can we conduct some business here? Yes, yes, yes. Ruin the fun. Let's get back to the fucking business. Show us more family vacation photos. Yeah, I know, right? You may be right.

Hey, let's review the four pictures you have as a family. It's in here somewhere. And who has that shit on their phone readily like that? Me. You guys don't look at family photos? At home when I'm home.

Well, sometimes you get homesick. With real people. Well, sometimes you don't have them in your life. Okay. I gotta be ready to kill a vibe at any moment. Yeah, let's get back to the fun, talking about my sad childhood. It was a good, fun childhood. Can we please get back to the two vacations we took?

Where I played with a chipmunk that I probably killed minutes later. You guys want to see a video of fireworks? Camping, too. Big spenders, huh? You never went camping? No, I never went camping as a kid. Dude, we should do a camping trip. That's fun.

I would go do one of those drive and park ones. I don't want to hump it out an hour to the woods. That's fun, but the drive and park's fun. Also, get a charter boat, go fishing, have the captain show you where the fish are. You get a bunch of rockfish. I'm big on that. Dude, this is going to be a fun summer. fun summer yeah okay we haven't made any plans first of all yes there's been no plans since november you tried to get us to plan to go to see ghost sources with you

and we iced you on that well first i tried to get you go to ben's but now yeah that's right fucking diet your order and bacon from the kosher deli. Aiden's come in and had nine pitches so far. I did. What are you doing for the New York Comedy Festival? Can I get in on that? What are you guys flying down to Skankfest? You asked me that question. What?

When you're flying? I'll plan the camping trip. Okay, I'll go. Yes. If it ends up being me and you, I'm going to be fucking pissed. And I'm driving. View him in Velveeta. I was just going to say, view me in Venatio.

Venatio. I'd still rather. Of course. Of course, it's Velveeta from the Fat Man. I'd still rather bunk with the deer in that one. Hey, listen, me and the deer are going to stay in the car. He needs to have the deer. He gets a little hoof.

I want to see the look on your face when you realize the deer is real. It's laying in bed smoking next to you? It's just some guy with antlers on. So where are you from originally? Can I bum one of those cigs? How do you know Ian? Wait, can you see me? KJ!

KJ, you're on one today, boy. Man. Holy fuck. Isn't it crazy? This is our job. This is wild. I love it. Gang, this podcast is brought to you by the good people at BetterHelp. All right.

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It's easy peasy. Go to ladderlife.com slash garbage today to see if you're instantly approved that's ladder l-a-d-d-e-r life.com slash garbage ladderlife.com slash garbage now back to the show as much as i don't want to ask this i want to get to the questions sure i have to know you gotta give me a little bit more backstory about the deer was it from this planet did you have your own language? Or is that as simple as it was? I was like four years old. I loved animals.

I was an only child. I had an imaginary friend who just so happened to be a deer. Would it go with you places? Only at night. No! I'd play with them in the backyard. I'd ask for extra food for Venatio and fucking, you know, little kid shit. Wow.

Ask another guest if they ever had only fans. If they had imaginary friends. Okay, we will. That's going to be. I think we might have talked about it with a couple of people. Yeah. Nothing is screwball. I mean.

There aren't a lot of comics that were only children. An imaginary friend isn't something that's out of the realm, but it's usually a human. It is. It's a deer. It's like a guy Gary or Bill. It's also like an imaginary pet if you don't have a pet. I see what you mean.

I see, but you picked a deer. You weren't allowed to have pets, right? I love nature. What? Were you allowed to have pets as a child? Yeah. Legally? Yeah.

You got finance. Take it away, KJ. Let's get to the goddamn questions here. All right. This one, home run. Never thought of it. I mean, we've been doing this a long fucking time, right? Long time.

This one's never crossed our radar on the 172 episodes we've done or whatever. This is from Mike on the Patreon. Do you share a driveway with another house? Whoa! Whoa! Talk about a grand slam. I might have brought that up a while ago. I'd never heard

that. Because my brother used to have that. At his family's house. He didn't have that. No. You don't have driveways with trailers. Kid's all crowd work. What do you do again for a living? Home run of the question, though. Home run of the question.

I don't remember that. My brother at his old house had a connecting. Because it was up a hill. Remember you dropped me off at that house? There's a real steep hill. It was driveway. Okay. And the neighbor, before he moved there, the neighbors had connected it so you could There was a because it was up a hill. Remember, you dropped me off at that house. There's a real steep hill. His driveway. OK.

And the neighbor before he moved there, the neighbors had connected it. So you could like loop kind of. OK. But that became a big thing. And he got in a big fight with his neighbors over that. What were they? That's a question of itself. Did you fight with neighbors?

Oh, of course. Yeah. Are you currently in a beef with a neighbor? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've talked about it. Or an imaginary deer. Have you ever gone hoof to hoof with a deer? We broke up in third grade.

I cover myself in piss when he comes near me. Don't they come near you? They're attracted to it, I think. It's got to be deer piss. Because they sell that. It can't be anybody's piss. Well, if we need some, we know who to go to. One-stop shop.

Explain this driveway situation to me. No, I don't remember this. What do you mean they had a connector? So, like, his driveway and his neighbor's driveway, instead of both being on, like, the right side of the house, they were next to each other, and they were both really steep. Okay. So his neighbor, at one point, I guess, before he moved in there,

the two people lived there for, like, 20 years or whatever, and the guy's wife couldn't back down the driveway, I because it was so so she would pull in and she would loop she would pull into her driveway then there was like a connector and she would loop down my brother's driveway up top and she'd loop around top so she could face so she could drive straight down but my brother's driveway and he didn't like that no he was fine with it but then he would sometimes they would block it because they had two or three cars. Okay. And then he came out, the neighbor came out and yelled at my brother's wife,

I believe. For using cars in his own driveway. Yeah, being like, you can't park here because my wife can't get down. And that was the last thing my brother needed to hear. Back into a drive, he's like, what? Yeah, my brother was like, hey, listen, if you can get through it, I'm by all means,

please use it. So, but I'm not, I'm not having, we're not changing where we park. So you can. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Take her to a fucking parking lot. Teach her how to back up. Yeah. Don't brawl.

Female drivers, no survivors. Huh? Man, you flipped the switch. I know. Shit. Ian Soprano.

Relax. Yeah. You talk about my boy Venatio. Shit's gonna happen. Huh? No survivors, huh? Man, you flipped the switch real quick, didn't you? Holy shit. Ian Soprano, relax, will you? Let me tell you something. You talk about my boy Venatio, shit's going to happen. Huh? Oh. Hmm. Yeah. That's a, that's, well, I think when I was born, we lived in the Northeast, and that

was a shared driveway. There was like two, they were downhill into the house, because the house, yeah. Did you ever have a driveway separated by a fence? Like right next to the driveway? What was your driveway looking like? A chain link fence in the front yard is a tough look. The toughest. Yes.

Your house has a chain link fence around it. It's a real jailhouse. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There better be a cemetery on either side of it. Especially if you don't. Right? Or a pit bull.

Especially if you don't keep the grass clean, if you got grass coming up the chain link fence. Oh. What did you have growing up? Driveway. Regular driveway. And then the neighbors. 12-foot wall and a guard tower.

They're playing hammer again. They shed Venetio. Deer down. Deer down. Deer down. We had a regular driveway. Neighbor had a driveway next to us. There was a long patch of grass and there was like an apple tree in between it. Oh, really?

Would you pick the apples? Yeah. It was nice. Yeah. I did a really good job. I knew you were going to say that. I did. It would be great if none of this was true. Yeah. I did a really good job. I knew you were going to say that. I did. It'd be great if none of this was true.

For sure, is it? There's just a mouse on a wheel. If you zoom into his head. I grew up in a home. You're on the streets since age of four. We had an apple tree. You're the Joe Dirt of Delaware. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Joe Dirt. Great movie. Great guy. I grew up in Silvertown. I had a meteorite as a friend. They probably tried to leave you at that campground. They just couldn't get away fast enough.

Quick, he's making the rocks. Let's go. He's making the rocks. I used to go rock picking. Did you have a rock tumbler? I had one of those. It's real bad. I think we might have talked about it.

What is that? You try to polish your own stones. Yeah, I get my stones polished all the time, pal. Okay? You saw it as a business opportunity. You were looking to get into the jewelry business. That's a KJ move. Lil KJ with a fat head and one of those

little eye things. I was already bald. Moving fine stones in Antwerp. I'm wearing a bad blazer. Trying to push diamonds on the other kids. You're appraising your mom's wedding ring. Give me a 25. You got a fugazi.

Yeah. I was just going to fugazi it. You know what you did. You know what you did. Fake ice. A stone tumbler What A rock tumbler So you would put like a

Beat up It's fucking nerd shit Yeah it's nerd shit That's why I don't know I wasn't a fucking nerd What are you talking about Apple trees Cool as hell

Didn't you say you were Trying to talk to Deer Like three days ago Why Intel played a recorder? That's not the coolest scene you've painted. Yeah, you had a speech impediment that stopped you from naming your dog after a Ghostbusters character. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a fun story. Yeah, but a label is cool. Do you think you're a cool guy now? Do you think you've always been a cool guy? When do you think you got cool? Well, I think that... When Dave showed me for the first time. Zip it, Buttons.

Buttons. Buttons is all right. We got two new nicknames. KJ and Buttons. Do me next. Not enough Viagra in the world. I'd have to boof it. Holy shit.

I think cool is doing whatever you want, not caring what other people think. That's the worst answer. That's what? That's what a nerd would say. I don't need other people to think I'm cool. Shut up, fucking PacSun shirt. Polaroid. You probably got it at Pacific somewhere.

No, I got it at Offsacks with Avedo. Fucking Zoomies. No, Offsacks with Avedo. Really? Classy. Shop at Sacks. The PacSun would have hit, but it was too wordy. I appreciate it, though.

All right. I didn't laugh at it, but at the time I was like, hmm, it's cute. All right. Just letting you know. Take it easy, professor. That it, professor? No time I was like, hmm, it's cute. All right. Just letting you know. Take it easy, Professor. That it, Professor? No, no, no, no. Professor Buttons and KJ.

That's pretty good. That sounds like a detective agency run by cats. That's not a bad idea. It sounds like we're up for adoption. You can't split them up. If you come down to Union Square today, you can have buttons to Professor and KJ. You guys sound like imaginary friends I had growing up.

Venatio, we start a band. We should band fully from talking. Nothing. Yes, nothing. That was terrible. Buttons is loving it. Shout out to our producer extraordinaire, Sprinkles. It was just such a quick rip on the nothing.

You pulled the parachute stepping out of the plane. Halfway out. Shoes hit the helicopter blades. I did something that was pretty trashy. You made me think of it a couple nights ago. I went down for a Bernie at the house. I had a bottle of water with me, and I put the bottle of water down. Then I went back upstairs.

Maybe like two hours later, I came back out, and the water bottle was still there, and I drank out of it. Oh, never would I do that. It was open, too. No. What? I don't know what I was thinking. You left it closed? You come back open? No, I left it open It was open, too. No. What? I don't know what I was thinking. You left it closed?

You come back open? No, I left it open. Oh, no way. I will say, though. No way. I will say I leave my water in my water holder on my bike. Really? Yeah.

Leave my water bottle on my bike? That's all Bonko's to me. Come back. Foley, you got any water on you? Yeah, I do. What are you working with over there, bud? Club soda. Oh, just a tiny little normal-sized club soda?

You talking about the fucking big boy? What? Is that what you want? What? What? Why didn't you get the big one? Yeah, why does that look like a small one? It looks like a regular-sized soda in my hand.

What the fuck? It's like when Andre the Giant holds a beer. Does that have times when you're supposed to drink on there? Yes.

Like when you're relearning how to shop with a head injury? Shop? Yeah, when they're like, okay, you're at the grocery store

and you spend a dollar fifty on sugar and then you need to1.50 on sugar. And then you need to get an apple. Yeah. You got a lot of balls, buddy. Yeah, I do.

They're fucking nice and big. You want to see them? You could be so lucky. He turns quick, doesn't he? I know. He turns into a bad Italian character. I know. Yeah, they're putting the screws to me. I got to fucking,

I got to do a gallon, doing a gallon of water a day for the next week to get really hydrated. And two gallons of Mountain Dew. You got to dilute the dew. I got to cut this water

somehow. Two parts dew, one part water. Boss KJ's all over my shit. It's the Lord's fentanyl. Wait, let me see that fucking bottle. People have them? No, wait, I don't think we have flood insurance yet.

I gotta make sure the premium's paid. All he carries around a fucking fire, I don't know where he goes. That come with a Dalmatian? Oh, my God. Does that come with straps to put on your back? Yeah, it tells you when you do it every two hours. You should put a goldfish in there. Good morning.

Hydrate yourself. Remember your what? Remember your gold. Keep chugging. Keep chugging. You're not fat. You're big boned. Hey, ditch this and get a burger, will you?

At 3 p.m. it starts talking to you. Don't do this. You'll die soon. Who are you kidding? Two o'clock. Come on. You know you want one. That's funny.

Oh, fuck. Very, very funny Let's run through a couple more here This is from Lee Haven't had the professor Haven't had one read yet At any point did you ever have a belt clip for your flip phone Yeah

I used to work construction Oh yeah you used to come around The open mics I think with that Would that make sense You remember that His weird construction Career Yeah He used to come around to the open mics, I think, with that. Would that make sense? You remember that? What? His weird construction career.

How long was that? What did you do? I just remember you had a tool belt in the trunk of your car. It was in the Village People. Yeah. I could show him at the parties. Sidekick. I remember seeing that for the first time.

You had a legit. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I used to keep all my tools in my trunk. But it was weird. It was like a shitty Honda Accord or something like that. It's true to the camera. Yeah.

Yeah, shitty Honda Accord. Got over 200,000 miles on that thing. God bless. Where were you working construction? You were doing like handyman stuff. Back in Delaware, yeah. Man, could you imagine him coming in to redo your kitchen? I tore out and put up all drywall in Bartley's old house.

I drywalled his whole ceiling in his house. Really? Yeah, in his bedroom. What'd you charge him for it? Made out pretty nice. I told him to run it through homeowners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used imaginary drywall, too.

Benatio handles my accounts. He's my estimator. That's about $2 million in here. So how much do I owe you? You're going to have to take it up with the deer. Hey, listen, it's $14 million and two salt licks. Do you got that on you? My partner here loves apples, if you got them.

I'll need a deposit of three carrots. And three ounces of deer urine. Oh, my God. You are a bazooka. Get me some antlers. You can rub them. You know any female deer? Venetio hasn't been laid in a while.

Ian's there with the two fucking antlers. I never got it out. Never mind. Oh, hey, KJ. You've been on fire the whole episode. KJ, cut that out. Will you, D-Bone? Hey, Buttons.

KJ, come on out with a B-side, huh? Hey, I was working on some new stuff. You know what I mean? It's a free show. You want the high heat, you buy the Patreon. That's like free show. You want the high heat, you buy the Patreon. That's like the weekend. Treat that like a corporate gig, you know? Oh, shit.

God. This one I would probably assume, this is from Chris, ever order the chili at Wendy's? Absolutely. You ever do the baked potato at Wendy's? You're goddamn fucking right. You ever do the fish filet during Easter at Wendy's? Absolutely. You ever do the baked potato on Wendy's? You're goddamn fucking right. You ever do the fish filet during Easter on Wendy's? You're goddamn right.

Forget about Easter all the time. I go to Alaskan Cod. Mwah. Mwah. Let me tell you something. That is my mother's brajol. Those baked potatoes. Your mother's brajol.

From the sauce. Okay, I'm pretty sure that's her dick, but sure. With the gravy. You don't talk about my mother that way. It's almost like you've never seen an Italian before. No, I can't. You're like an alien trying to do an Italian. I don't know if he's trying.

I don't know if he's doing it bad to be funny or if it's. Yeah, I'm being serious when I act Italian. No, I know you're not. Okay, here. Do a couple lines. Serious scene. If you had to play like an Italian mobster in a movie. Do it serious, though.

Give me a line. You got to improvise it. Okay, you ready? We're going to raid the factory tomorrow night around 9. Get some guys together. That's the line. Next. Someone with more hair, please.

Tomorrow night around 9, we're raiding the fucking factory. You in? We got to get some guys. You, you, Butts, Vinesh. These pretzels are making me thirsty. Hey, I loved you in the Many Saints of Newark, huh? I'm... These fucking guys over here

Hey, Judy Dench, can you trust Dame Ian Finance That's my nickname, Dame Oh, there you go Now we all got one We got KJ, we got the Dame, the Professor, and Buttons That's it, wrap it Gang, we love you.

We'll see you next week. Peace! That was so much fun. Great episode.