Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Iliza Shlesinger!

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Iliza Shlesinger! You know Iliza from stand up comedy, The Joe Rogan Experience, Bertcast, This Is Not Happening, The Blocks Podcast, Netflix, Ask Iliza Anything, Specials like War Paint, Hot Forever, Freezing Hot and so much more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG & Friends 11/8: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Soul: https://getsoul.com with promo code GARBAGE Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Can I say something? Sure. I mean this respectfully. You sound like you have a job that is only in porn. Like I have to come by and make sure the associates are up to date. I have to listen to all the calls. He's got a lot of holes to fill. I'm stuck in the washer. You are a bad associate. Are you my stepmom? Do you get stuck in stuff a lot? Gang, the second installment of our new live show,

AYG in France, is available right now on our YouTube page. Do yourself a favor, check it out. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they're good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash trash trash, I'm your host H fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's out in the garage getting her Halloween costume ready Okay going as the zodiac My co-host is coming at you right next to me. He is the CEO of our new garbage

She is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Shout out. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RE garbage. Go over there.

You get all the bonus content, gang. And gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. She is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, actor, producer, podcaster, and author, and you might have seen her in but not limited to. You got Paradise, Deadbeat, Girlboss, Instant Family, Robot Show, Supercool, Crankyankers, Bosh, Doll righteous gemstones comedy central presents last comic standing Chelsea lately At midnight last call with Carson Daley The tonight show WTF Joe Rogan James Corden dinner time live with David Chang

James Corden, Dinner Time Live with David Chang. What? Pieces of a Woman, Spencer Confidential. She also is a frequent guest host on Jimmy Kimmel Live. She has six. I did it once. That's frequent. That's more to me. She has six Netflix specials that are streaming right now.

She also wrote, executive produced, and starred in the feature Good on Paper, which is also on Netflix. She's the author of two books, All Things Decide, Girl Logic, she has her own amazing podcast, Ask Eliza Anything, and her own fragrance. How you doin'? Look at that, and she is on tour right now,

the Get Ready Tour, give it up for the one, the only, Eliza Schlesinger, everybody. Yay! Look at all that. Did they send, she barked, did they send this to you or did you just go on Wikipedia? I do this every week. The first credit is she is Jewish.

What is this? She was born a girl. Half of the stuff I was like, oh I did do that. Yeah, we go back in the well. You are a worker, man. Six Netflix specials, that's wild. Deep well. Throw a baby in that well.

And I'm going to do a seventh one for Amazon next week. That's awesome. You're filming next week Yeah, that's good. So get ready to or you're gearing up for for that, right? Yeah, we're ready. I love it We're ready. I'm over it. Yeah a worker. Give us the backstory. What's the origin story? Where you from? Give us the whole scoop. You're a Texas gal, right from Texas. Oh, yeah, but I do. Yeah. Yep But I do want to say my whole family's from New York. Okay, which is weird But I could play to say my whole family's from New York. Okay. Which is weird. But I could play either side, depending on what makes people more uncomfortable.

Sure. We'll go with that. New York City they came from? Yeah, New York City and then Long Island. But my dad's always like, never forget, you got Brooklyn in you. It's your grandfather. Don't you ever fucking forget. And I'm like, where? And he's like, I don't know. So I don't claim it as much, but...

And what brought them to Texas? Houses. You can have one. Sure. You can have them in Jersey, too. So I don't I don't claim it as much but uh and what brought them to Texas? houses Yeah, well and so my dad was in the menswear business and and I just want to say I did my research and I listen to Your podcast and so I was nervous last night I was like you better come up with some garbage because these guys are gonna need to know about your garbage So what's the menswear business explain that a little bit. Well, my dad pronounces it mens apparel. OK. It's like it was.

Track suits. It's so much gold chains and thick, stubby cigars. It was like braces, suspenders, belts, ties. And it's an industry that kind of died. Right. So he moved there in the 80s with me and my mom, and then they had my brother. And then so that's why we moved to Texas. And did he do that all the way you were growing me and my mom and then they had my brother and then and then so that was

that's why we moved to Texas and that he do that all your while you were growing up. Yeah, he was a salesman. So like a travel like a road guy really is a road dog. So there was no store. He was a show room. Oh, they used to do it back when my credit started. It was three stooges. It was a showroom and then you send your reps out you would take orders and you go all over with like your rolling rack

Like just schlepping that's crazy. Yeah, so any city I go to he's like They still got Murray's over there right that's right and what's your mom do She was a mom and then they divorced and she got into marketing and my dad is and so it's what age was the divorce It's got to work. I'm sure to crying. I'll finish last week. They said they were to bring it up. I said, bring up Chelsea. They got divorced.

Seven. And my dad moved back to the East Coast. OK. And so that was a lot of like trips. You stayed in Texas with your mom. Texas. Got you. My mom and my brother. And then my mom remarried when I was like 14 or 15. So I went to a nice high school. And my brother and I did not live in the same house. Where did he live?

Does that count as garbage? Yeah, this is the show. This is what we're talking about. No one was getting abused or anything. My brother was like, you know, maybe garbage. And so he went to go live with my dad and my stepmom down the street. They moved back from the East Coast.

Wait, so they divorced? Your dad moved back to the East Coast and then back to where your mom was? They came back because they were like, you know, we need to help your brother. So my brother, so they came back. Troubled youth a bit. Yeah, you know, like skateboarding at a time

when it wasn't acceptable. Sure, sure. And bashing a kid's teeth in, using the college fund to pay for his new teeth, stuff like that. Sure. My teeth are real. This kid's all right. My brother is a marijuana grower now,

so I got that plug if you need anything. There you go. Is he still in Texas? No, he lives in Northern California. OK. I'm not a weed smoker, but just walking through the streets of New York, you guys have shitty weed. That's what I am. I'm not big on the weed, but that walking through the streets of New York, you guys have shitty weed.

That's what I am not. I'm not big on the on the on the weed, but that's what I don't even smoke it. And I know it's garbage. That's all right. I'm just letting you know, please don't DM me about it. I will not answer brothers. I don't need to be a guy's girl. Brother went to go live with my dad and my stepmom. And how far were how far apart were the families like your blocks like not far you block that's trashy. Yeah, I'm okay. Did your mom? A few blocks, like not far. A few blocks? That's trashy. Yeah, I'm okay.

Did your mom remarry? My mom remarried. My stepdad, who's wonderful. Okay, did they have kids? No, he already had, he has children from another marriage. They live on Martha's Vineyard. Okay. Which is a little less trashy.

And now one of them lives in Philly. Okay. Nice, and so. That sounds like mainline. Yeah, I like it. Mainline blood. And so I lived with my mom and my stepdad, and we went to a nice neighborhood,

still somewhat near my dad, and then they had two kids, so I have a half brother and a half sister. All right. You guys are like tics. The dad and the step mom. So they have their. So you have half brothers and step siblings.

I got everything. You got everything. You got a real brother. I got everything. You got a real brother. I got one full-blooded wolf brother. How many are there total? How many kids total between the two families? You would call your brothers or sisters? I guess I have a half brother and half sister.

And so my and Randy, my stepdad's kids, like I'll see. Randy's all right. Shout out to Randy. Randy is awesome. We love Randy. Is Randy from Texas? No, Randy's from, he like went went to he's like, where's rain? Santa Monica originally. OK.

Went to Harvard Business School. Wow. He's like one of those guys that was like, oh, I was CFO of dance for a little bit. Like, I'll drop one of those like, yeah. Like when I was the president of that, when I read Coca Cola. And you're like, what the fuck? Yes. He's one of those. And where did your mom and him meet? Did they meet in Texas or met in Dallas?

Okay, not married Randy was was so great And he used to take me to tutoring and I was like we both know I'm not gonna understand long division But we can go and he would get me a juice What was a nice high school you went to private public went to a private school? Okay called Green Hill, okay in Dallas and It's the only reason I can retain information because college didn't instill any of those skills in me. I went there and then I graduated. I got in nowhere.

All my friends got to go to nice schools. I got in, when I say nowhere, like not even waitlisted. Like they read the application, they were like, you didn't, you just. No state schools, nothing like that? I didn't apply to, well, I applied to the University of Kansas. OK, by the grace of God, I got in there.

So I went. Four years. No, I went one year reapplied. There's a lot of worried about being trash. We are in. I've been to so many schools. You got brother cousins and stuff. Uh, and I went there for one year, reapplied to Emerson College in Boston. OK, got in. Nice.

You do that like weird artsy. They have like like makeup majors there. one year reapplied to Emerson College in Boston. Okay. Got in. Nice. You do that like weird artsy, they have like, can't you like make up majors there? Yeah, I majored in hand jobs. Hey, me too. I majored, I was a film major. Now they have bullshit, like you can major in funny. You can major in stand up comedy.

That's a good school, right? Emerson's a good school, correct? Emerson's a good school. Okay. And I love that people think that, so I'm just like, yeah, it's so hard. I totally didn't write a term paper on anaconda and get a D on it. The snake's out there this big?

I wrote a compare and contrast and I forgot to contrast and I was like, why do I have to do this? And so, did that, graduated early from Emerson because my mother paid for my college education. Okay. So I didn't have to pay for anything but she was like, do me a favor, take community college classes over the summer so I don't have to like pay over for your gen-ed.

So we can cut a year off. Gotcha. Well, just cause you're paying for like, you know, interpretive dance and you could do it. Like art history or something. Even lighter than that, like photography 101. It's like if you take it at UTD, which is universe, Texas at Dallas It's cheaper. Okay, so I would come home in the summer

I would get a job and I would take these like classes like I took a dance class With like some senior citizens and like that's half a credit Water aerobics at the light at the pool just any over the jobs. What was your first job you had? Yeah, it was your first job you had? Yeah, it was your first job. Okay, my first job, I went and I got a job at Cece's Pizza. You know the buffet. Cece's, of course. Like the buffet.

Like the buffet. Whoa. And I was so excited to have a job. That's awesome. Because my parents were hard workers and I just was like, you know, but I was the kind of school that you had like five hours of homework and you had sports. So there wasn't time to do know, but I was the kind of school that you had like five hours of homework And you had sports so there wasn't time to do it

But I got the job and it was in just like a rough shopping center and my mom made me quit Really? She's like, I don't know who's walking you to your car. You can't have it. Well, we haven't we working just like the weekends I only got to go once We're not coming back. I was so excited to work. I remember asking I was like, what can I do? And he was like you can wipe down the buffet I was like I will wipe down the buffet. Thank you so much. Um, it's weird how all of your flavors of pizza tastes the same How old were you when you got that job? I maybe was like six. I must have had a car so 16 Okay, and then I I didn't get the job and then I think next year

I was able to get a job at Steve Madden at the mall Which if you've ever worked in retail at the mall you are owed financial compensation for the PTSD of having to hear good Charlotte On loop sure sure just hours and hours Just when Steve Madden was hot. It's like the height of Steve Madden This is when girls were coming in like can I get the cami and a size eight? I'm like, that's a big foot We're out. I'm tired. I worked at the Speedo store because I was on the swim team. I was like, this will be cool. Okay.

Very special kind of hell. Awful. Only European people coming in at the time in Dallas, Texas, to buy a Speedo. Sure. Speedo store. That's a board short state right there. It's a board shorts covered up for Jesus. And then I worked at the body shop not the strip club the like lotion soap store

Okay, here's the garbage in the same mall the Galleria. Oh, here's the garbage part I'm like Lori. She's like Lori from Shark Tank the retail queen god damn. She's worked at every Annie and fucking um I This was around y2k okay a lot of y2k prom stuff. I haven't heard someone say y2k in so long I know I mean look at my resume. Obviously I lived through y2k. I was on the Phil Silver show apparently In every mall in the bottom of the mall there's like a storage room for every store sure right Okay, you say sure like you're like I knocked off a couple. No, I had a buddy who worked at Foot Locker We had a lot of backdoor dealings in those hallways there you go So it's all this y2k stuff

And you know you're constantly taking yourself off the shelves you put it down the storage you get a key and I was like To my best friend. I was like they're not gonna sell this there's not gonna be another y2k for thousands of years so uh let's take it so we got Michelle whoops Michelle got a copy made of the key You think you're making copies of shit? Satzuma body bars, Y2K messenger bags, because it was not gonna go anywhere. It was just gonna go in the garbage. You made a key, that's crazy.

She, it's that special kind of like prep school, like I'm never gonna get in trouble. Yeah, that was her idea. I was like, let's just take a few things. She was like, I'm gonna get a key made. Listen, get a fake ID, We're in a u-haul Security guard. Yeah, we didn't like resell it. This wasn't like truck fit or anything We just just for you just for me and to like give out his gifts because it was a school with

Kids who had a lot of money. So you like I gave you a Christmas gift. Like what do I get? You know, and so you would hope you'd get something nice man. That is why I stole that's crazy I stole it a lot of nut butters Which would mean if there's women listening they'll be like oh my god I remember those tubs what were the vacations like as a kid where would you guys go? What'd you guys do? Probably get dad when Randy's around a little bit of cash. He did well We went nice places when I was a kid we went to Club Med Cuz I think that's where man. That's where parents took their kids was Club Med. I what I always I

Don't know what it is. Oh singles place. No, you're thinking I always mix it up with hedonism. We stayed in the room for this wingers night No Club Meds like in extapa Mexico like you take your we would go to Mexico because you live in Texas, right? Right. I got that that makes sense Never ski Club Med Coming to Club Med SAS commonly knows previous Club Mediterranean is a French travel tourism operator Yeah, it's just like it's just a resort. There's a resort. It just became a popular resort So we went a little bit my parents were married and then

And then they got a divorce so I think I went once with my mom But that's like always like not an ideal vacation right your parents are divorced. My brother was like a handful And then I'm we never skied as kids because my dad said Jews don't ski they own the mountain Whoa well we didn't know that's gotta be quoted so I gotta write that down somewhere No, because that's something else. It's's a stupid quote and I'll tell you why. A lot of Jews ski, we just didn't. That's it. I don't know.

Own the mountain. How many Jews do you know that own nature? They don't love the cold, but they do control the weather. We do control the weather. It's such a wild thing to put your foot down. We don't ski. You're in Texas. He didn't ski.

And so it became the thing. A New York Jew, like that, you're not skiing. Where are you skiing? Where are you skiing? Yeah. Unless there's a mountain in Texas. He didn't ski. Yeah, a New York Jew like that. You're not skiing. Where are you skiing? Yeah. And then unless there's a mountain in Brooklyn. Yeah. And then in high school, Randy, we went. We can't get over the name. All right. These are typically dirtbags.

Was Randy working? Yeah. Was he was he working when he was married to your mom or you already made his money? Oh, God. What was the name of the it was like not Internet connection. There was some like tech like you could buy all your electronics. If it wasn't Circuit City, it wasn't Radio Shack. It was like one internet connection. There was some like tech, like you could buy all your electronics off. It wasn't Circuit City. It wasn't Radio Shack. It was like one of those when they met. Who remembers what their-

He was the CEO. Something. Nice. Those executives just used to go like brand- Float around. Like consumer brand and consumer brand. Hey, we got the guy coming in from Coca-Cola. We got the guy from Radio Shack.

We got the guy. And so we went to, we went to a safari one year. Whoa. That's not bad. That's not garbage. How old were you for that? Maybe like 17. Nice.

That's crazy. Yeah, that's all right. Randy's daughter was so beautiful. Did you get along with them? It was just her and his son. And then the other daughter didn't come. But Kate was a year younger than me. And I remember thinking she was so pretty and she was so nice

and I would just make so many jokes about how ugly I felt around her and she like thought it was hilarious and so we're very close to this day okay she was very tall and thin and tan and still is and what do they do are they success like what's everybody do yeah are they Kate and her all educated and everybody got educated okay everybody's been repatriated educated they have like landscape business, her and her husband on Martha's Vineyard. Okay. And they work super hard. Not too shabby.

My stepsister, I guess she's my stepsister, is a paramedic. Very nice. Like volunteer firefighter. Okay. And then, I don't know what his son does, business. Business. Business stuff. Gotcha.

I'm sorry, Randy, I don't know what hope does. It what it is business yeah and so that was the big family vacation was and we must have done more oh we went to Italy once not bad to bring my best friend really that's rich girl yeah that's rich because I got it it's just like you like listening your parents talk about this is seen Chapel we did try to make and they want they want you distracted anyway they're like we're like let you could bring Michelle and we met these like cute I say cute they probably had like really bad teeth like Italian dudes and my mom followed us She was like get out of there. Where are you going with them?

So that's a special kind of help to bring your teenage daughter, I'm sure I want to kiss this dude Can't be let's talk about she's I just want to kiss this dude. Holy shit. Kip, let's talk about Sheath. Shout out to Sheath gang. Talking about the best underwear in the biz and OG podcast sponsor and supporter. And like we always say, support the products that support the shows. Sheath is the best pair of underwear you're ever going to put on. Why is that, Kip? Because you separate the dick and the balls.

Keeps you high and dry Created by a goddamn war veteran. Uh-huh. Shout out to Robert. Shout out to Robert best fabric You're gonna get best pair of underwear. You're gonna get get over the sheets and do it now Yeah, it's not like that other underwear. I can wear this stuff for three four five six days at a time Maybe my old ones are jamming me up. Yeah, you got wasted me. I listen you get a hernia I've said this a thousand times. I also just re-upped I'm waiting on him to come they should come any day now Fashion show maybe I will try to try to long in my sexy undies Guys, I love it a pickle in there. It's awesome. They're fantastic. We've been saying it for years. They're my sexy underwear

I put them on and I make a move on the wife. How you doing? I got I'll go get the mail in these things I don't care any style they have you covered, sleek designs, colors that match your vibe, whatever look you're going to you can achieve with them. Don't take our word for it. Thousands of five star reviews speak for themselves and they are also the official underwear partner of the UFC. Shout out to it. Look at that. Elevate your comfort today. Go to sheath.com and get the most comfortable underwear you're ever going to wear. That's a kippy guarantee if you use the promo code garbage You'll also get 20% off your order 20% off that sheath.com promo code garbage for 20% off your order sheet the underwear legends and podcasters do it do it

Gang the show is sponsored by liquid IV. Oh, yeah, and what a juggernaut liquid IV Oh, yeah, and what a juggernaut liquid I Take that over the other stuff any day in a week. Yeah, I'll tell you that right now my favorite talking about it I do the strawberry. I like the sugar-free Shake it up gives you that little bit of extra hydrates three times faster than regular water. They got fantastic flavors Listen, everybody's talking about liquid IV It's everywhere you get it at Costco or you can get it through us with the RU Garbage Promo, right? Absolutely fantastic. If you're dehydrated, if you're sick, if you had a long night, if you know what I mean,

do yourself a favor. That's what you do. Take the liquid IV that night. Get ready to go to bed. You have your slice of pizza, whatever you had, whenever. Sure. Pound it, pound down on liquid IV. You wake up in the morning and feel fantastic. Yeah, they got lemon, lime, Sure. Pound it, pound down on Liquid IV, you wake up in the morning, you're gonna feel fantastic.

Yeah, they got lemon, lime, acai berry, pina colada, chews from their line of sugar-free flavors like raspberry melon, white peach, green apple. We love them so much that we buy them. A lot of sponsors will send you stuff. I go, you know what? I love it. We use it so much. We have it sitting here.

We're doing, we take them every day. It's genuinely one of my favorite products. Stay hydrated through the holidays and get liquid IV. You get 20% off your first order with liquid IV. When you go to liquid IV comm and use our code garbage, you know that at checkout one more time 20% off your first order. When you go to liquid IV comm for better hydration shop today using promo code garbage liquid IV dot com do it.

Any what were the pets growing up? We had a cat a black cat when we were this is the most recent name Muse We found and just took him with us to the new house. Mm-hmm. He was not friendly to anyone But we had him and he died Sometime I just found his collar the other day in like a stack of boxes. Really? Yikes. Any weird pets, any turtles, anything like that? Hamsters?

Yeah, had a lot of that. Yeah? Really? Yeah, at the old house right after my parent, when it was just me and my mom and my brother, we had a little atrium, like this big, and the turtle lived there, and we painted his shell blue so you could find him, and my brother would bring home turtles and frogs.

So my mom would find them. These guys bonkers. Oh my mom would find them. Oh, my God. We had one like not a sea turtle. You can't be having a fucking he lives in a bathtub for three years. We had like a river turtle that lived. We had like a tiny pond in the atrium. It was literally I don't know how to do square feet, but small in the atrium of the house. That's it's like I'm not sure what an atrium is.

It's like an outdoor outdoor area in the middle. Yeah. In the middle of of the house. That's it's like I'm not sure what an atrium is. It's like an out indoor outdoor area in the middle. Yeah, in the middle of the pond almost. Yeah, but like there was it was maybe the size of this table and a half. Like it was OK. We brought him home. We named him Gamera, like after the Japanese films. And he lived out there. And then one time I brought my mom brought home some crayfish. OK, is in Texas. You eat like crawdads, you know, like the little one.

Sure. We put them in the backyard and the turtle ate them. And we came back and all the claws were everywhere and just totally dismembered Bunny we had a lot of fish cuz my dad gave my mom a really nice fish tank for a gift and that was The salt water no fresh fresh water how big big and Expensive with like a lot of glass art in it. And my mom's like, I've got to take care of this. We had ghost fish. Where did it where did it live?

Where did the fish tank live in the house? On the bar on the bar. I had a filter. I remember that smell. Yeah, that smells no good. And then dead fish like get fluffy when they stick to the filter. I had hamsters. I had guinea pigs. Not for long. I can't get a fucking read on this, bro.

Oh, thing is bug. River turtles. Atrium. That's like if that's not the duality of garbage and I don't know. I don't know what's. We had some dogs, but those are the I remember my brother had a lot of turtles and frogs that would go missing. And then you find a dried one because they just like we had them. Was the atrium kind of in the house like they had access to the house?

Like the turtle could walk into the kitchen if it wanted to. There's no indoor outdoor policy. It had no. We're not like Steve Irwin's family. Rest in peace. So this is in the backyard. In the atrium, the backyard was on the side. OK, well, I have to. This is how stupid a atrium

It's like an indoor outlet you would see in like like an office building like we're like employees can go to smoke a cigarette Yeah, oh you had one of those they had a smoking section that thank you for putting it for the turtle You had a silly you get a section like this like it would be like a Got small small gotcha man. That's a small, small, small house, small atrium. I had a pet a dog. We had a dog at one point that we had to get rid of because it was too much. So my mom gave it away to a neighbor. So my brother and I would just like visit the dog through the window. Tippi. Come by and see him anytime. And that's crazy.

Just kind of like how it was. And then that's crazy. That's just kinda like how it was. And then. That's crazy. Anyway. What would be like if you guys were going out to dinner, like a Friday night, the fam's going out to dinner, where would they take you? In high school, there's this story that my parents love to tell about the time I ate four lobsters at dinner. Because they had like a lobster special. Where? At Trulux. I know, I've been to that. I went to the one in Houston, great restaurant. Same thing. That's Clay C.

It was nice, and to this day, I'm 41. They're like, do you remember? Four lobsters. You're so hungry from all your sports, and lobster's so good. I need the protein. I was so hungry. How were you in sports?

Were you good? Did you excel? I was good enough. Excelling is putting it strongly. I swam. I played lacrosse. But it's a private school, so you're on the team. Right away. But you may not be starting. But we were pretty good at lacrosse.

But if you took us out of the state to go play like a school from Delaware, which we did, you get spanked. Gotcha. These girls are in skirts in 10-degree weather, just sweating, and you're just like freezing your nips off What was the first car? What was your first car that you got a 99 brand new Chevy Blazer? Well with the splash decal no shit on the side. I know that 99 Chevy Blazer I saw that splash decal and I was like people are gonna know I go fast

Is that a birth was that a birthday present? It was a a year 16 here's the car Randy got you my mom got it. Okay. My mom did everything Yeah Caffeine free Coca-Cola can color that like gold they called it pewter sure Comparable to a GMC Jimmy right sure shout out to the Jimmy only car named after a dude um Did you do anything to it tins the windows put some subwoofers in there anything? I asked if I could get my last name in that like Latin Spanish Like old English, and she was like absolutely not some lunatics gonna follow you home. What are you a Latin King?

Who does that? I did it on the back window you wanted it wanted it Nothing, I didn't I didn't think to do anything to it, but CD player CD player and I owned I remember buying Matchbox 20 and being like this is that with that Carlos Santana collab Sure, I gotta be honest with you. I sort of listen a little Matchbox 20 as of recent holds up Oh, yeah, they're all the songs Yeah, it's great. I'm like I forgot about this one the deep cuts. They were huge man. They were that kid had a right I'm sorry. What are you their PR guy? What the fuck? I'm Rob Thomas's dad He had a big career after that

I bought the CD and a Whitney Houston's anyways, I had a CD and a CD book We all had the book has no idea how old you guys are. You could just look bad for being young or you could just be my age. You could just look really unhealthy. I'm 22 and he's 17. You're a Philly 22. It's a little bit of both. You're not wrong.

You read it. He's wow. Are you 48? 48 and I'm 38. Great for 48. What was the blow right by me? That's all the time we had today, folks. What were the posters in the room?

I had a Bone Thugs and Harmony poster. Jesus Christ. And I miss my uncle Charles, you know, my uncle. And my first time I played Cleveland, I had they didn't have Uber at the time. I had the runner take me to East 99 and St. Clair to take a picture because that was from the album. No context for what that actually signified, but I was like, I gotta take a picture,

because this is from the song. And I really enjoyed them, they were so melodic. They were great. That was the poster. I had a bullfighting poster, because I went to Spain when I was 16 for the summer. For the summer? You're not gonna get a read on me.

For a program, yeah. Okay, did you live with a family? No, it was just like a bunch of students, For the summer. You're not going to get a read on me. For a program. Yeah. OK. Do you live with a family? No, it was just like a bunch of students and you like live on a college campus and you like pretend you're learning Spanish, but you're really just having wine. Did you learn Spanish? A little bit more than I had. OK. And so to this day, I can only speak in the present tense,

but I can go to Mexico and be fine. You get us out of there if we got jammed up and get you out of there. OK. As long as we stay in Club Med for sure. The present tense. Huh. Yeah, there's no past tense in my Spanish or future. What was the first concert? That's so embarrassing because...

Bone Thugs in Harmony. I did try to go and I couldn't get in and I don't remember why, but I will tell you to this day, as of last week, I think I've been to five concerts in my whole life. Hit me with them. Last week I went to see this band called The Anniversary.

That was a big Midwest pop punk sort of band when I was younger and I'm friends with them now and that was great. We had a show in Detroit the other week and Sturgill Simpson was next door. And so we were just like, hey, Live Nation, can we have tickets? Because we're all that family. And so we got to go and that was Nation, can we have tickets? Because we're all that family. And so we got to go. And that was cool. I've seen Britney Spears twice. Okay. Both times underwhelming,

unfortunately, like as back in the day. This is like prime after popping, like after when she was going through stuff, but we didn't know it. So now that I look back, I'm like, yeah, she really didn't move her legs much. Now we get why. Sure. That was not great. Even though we were on mushrooms and they didn't kick in.

Mushrooms at a Britney Spears concert. She's got bunk mushrooms at a Britney Spears concert. Yeah, I don't think I've been. I just don't. I'm not one of the. And I also work when there's concerts. So like, you know, of course now I can't. But even then I just never.

I saw Jethro Tull was my first concert because my mom worked for a radio station. What? When? When I was like 13. I feel like she's lived a thousand lives, dude. What would she do? She worked for a radio station called 107.5 The Oasis.

And so it was like smooth listening. Was she a DJ? Was she doing like drive time? She was, yeah. No. Rare bit in the bird. No, it was, she worked on like sales. She sold air.

Rare bit in the bird. Welsh rare bit in the bird. Coming at you. She was Tom from Bob and Tom. That's funny. She had I've been on that. That wasn't on my credits, but I've been on that. And I had to go with her.

And so she tried to amp me up in the car. She said Jethro Tull was the flautist. And he and everyone and it's not for a kid. You're just sure that was my first concert with Jethro Tull. Jethro Tull. Could you guys eat in your room when you were a kid? You're just like, sure. That was my first concert with Jethro Tull. Jethro Tull. Could you guys eat in your room when you were a kid? I don't think so. I remember my mom.

I have a thin mom. OK. I remember hearing all the time, like, the kitchen's closed. Really? They shut it down at a certain point. You can't go. That's when you can't eat anymore, Fattie. It's closed, yeah.

And so in your mind, you're like, oh, I guess I can't go in there. There's hours of operation. Yeah, like, we had dinner. Now it's closed. I mean, so in your mind you're like, oh, I guess I can't go in there. There's hours of operation. Yeah, like we had dinner, now it's closed. I mean, she doesn't like anyone eating. She calls my dog Munch Mouth. She'll yell, I don't know if you know any Yiddish, if you eat too much you go, Khazar, which really is hurtful

because Khazar means like someone who's gluttonous. So I just hear my mom be like, Khazar. What are you looking at? I'm just saying hi to you. I remember one time I put Halloween candy in my room, and I made a little room in my closet. I was like, you know as a kid you want your own space? Sure.

It was that or the hamper, because I could fit in it. And I brought my candy, and then there were ants. And I just remember it was like your apartment got flooded, like all my things. No. Wait, you used to hide in the hamper as a kid? Because all the blankets were in there, so you could bring a book or a Game gameboy you could like be surrounded by blankets

Is that what every kid wants sure you're saying I've noted the shore is like no Sure is me trying to understand it a little more hamper. I get it. Okay I just never thought about it. Was there a pool? Do you guys have a pool? In high school, we had a pool. In ground or above ground? In ground. You think Randy's doing fucking above ground in Dallas? They got snapping turtles in the way.

We lived in the city limits. It was in ground. Everyone in Texas, though, has a pool. Of course, yeah. And it did have a diving board. I don't remember. Was it like that? They got those shitty diving boards got popular.

There was no was there a bounce to a little bit of give a little bit of bounce unnecessarily in a unnecessarily six foot pool. That's legal. I think that's got to have at least eight feet. That's a lot of traction. Yeah. We had the diving board and we had a nice backyard. So we have parties. Our mom who cut the grass. Randy or somebody come and cut it.

Randy's a goddamn fucking he's doing insider trading. He's not got the grass. I don't know who cut the grass. He's got a god damn safari. No, my brother didn't live with us. OK, no, we didn't cut cut it. All right. I know that makes me sound out of touch, but I'm not running for fucking president. So I'm sorry.

Does it make you cut my own grass? You said you went on a fucking safari. It does not sound out of touch that that that not running for fucking president so I'm sorry. That doesn't make you... I didn't cut my own grass. You said you went on a fucking safari. It does not sound out of touch that you got caught up on the fucking cutting your own grass. There's different price points for safaris. You could go look at rats. You could hit a Six Flags if you want. You could take the L and see lots of animals.

Go look at rats. Yeah. Hmm. Alright. What's the diagnosis? It ain't good. It's weird because you have, you grew up with money. Randy did well, you know, but...

You're well traveled? Middle class. You kind of speak Spanish? I don't want to brag. I got to push back, you're not doing a safari middle class. But that's a nice big... but it's not like we... You did it every week, I get it, but still. We did it every week.

I'm saying it's not like you did it every week. It's not every week, yeah, yeah. How long were you there? How long was the safari? A couple weeks, we either? It's like a year, like you pack... no. You bring the of weeks. We're here like you know, you bring the nanny. We did a semester. Now you go. It's how you got to get to Africa.

I know it's got to be worth it. Sure. Went for a weekend. A quick little glance at the Lions. OK, we take it. We it was I think it was like a priority to like take nice trips with your family while you can. Sure. Sure. I get that. And then I would go places in the summer.

So I would- Were you a Crystal Light family growing up? No, but I will say this. My stepmom drank Tab. Tab. Loved Tab. What would you drink? What were you guys allowed to have for dinner?

Water. It was big water. It was water. I, juice, regular juice. We never, my friend Aaron was the one that had the Capri Sun Sprite Dunkaroos, like that was the house you'd go to. Gotcha.

And you could just eat all that. We didn't have junk food, not, my husband grew up with like, hearts of palm is candy, like hippie California food. We just had like wheat bread and like, nice, like fruit roll-ups were a really big deal. No sugar cereal. We probably did, cause I think my brother and I were like, give us rollups were a really big deal. No sugar cereal. We probably did because I think my brother and I were like, OK, we're both thin.

Can we have some break? What was the first time you had Nutella? Do you remember as an adult, as an adult, because everybody acts like they've been on Nutella forever. It's a European. And it's I love Nutella's ads because they're like, it's only a touch. It's a little bit of cocoa and it's almost a hazelnut and milk. It's good for you. It's like this is garbage.

This is sugar. It's all palm oil. Yeah. Like orangutans are dying. You're a Nutella shipped to you in this plastic thing. And I don't love it. And I know I'm supposed to love it. Any karate classes, dance classes, anything like that? As a adult. Any karate classes, dance classes, anything like that? As a adult. Yeah.

I'm a white woman. She's in a Tiger Shulman. Just me and like, just owning six little kids. As a kid, anything like that. As a child, I think I was in like brownies. And when your parents get divorced, they're seven. Brownies, wow. That's above, yeah, Girl Scouts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot about brownies. Brownies is above Girl Scouts? Yeah. I think it's bigger than girl, or maybe it brownies. Brownies is above Girl Scouts? Yeah. I think it's bigger than girl. Or maybe it's before. Did you guys sell any cookies? So they're really easy to steal. No, we didn't sell any cookies.

But we had the one friend who her mom was like the den mother. But our meetings were just going to her house and eating Rice Krispie treats. I don't remember selling any. It's hard to sell the cookies. And moms usually do it. And my mom was working. So we didn't sell cookies. I'm trying to think of class. I just played a lot of cookies. And moms usually do it, and my mom was working. So we didn't sell cookies.

I'm trying to think of, I just played a lot of sports, and I played sports. I did the YMCA basketball and softball. My dad coached it. So you have to be very, you have to be sweating a lot in Texas and playing a sport, otherwise they kick you out. And so I was the catcher. Any braces?

I had braces and this thing called a bionator, I think. It had like pistons on the side. It was disgusting. What did it like open it up for? Wait, was it connected to the tops and bottom? Uh-huh. I had like, so your mouse would, I think it was, I don't know what it was for.

They just gave it to me, but I had braces. Ah, my blood's running cold. I had something like that. They were called Jasper jumpers. They looked like two cables. It was- Attached to electrodes. It was like- Who's your dentist, the pet boys. It was all like a crazy

It was supposed to cure my Overbite, okay, maybe I yeah, I mean it didn't work though. You know they were so brutal. It's bad He's got bad job braces for like five years, and they were that was terrible with braces I had braces, and then I had to do Invisalign as an adult And then I just don't cheat though. They're the bottom's crooked, but I don't care. Who cares about bottom teeth? Man, this is. Let's talk, all right, so the-

What are you looking for? Because I did something garbagey last night, I can tell you. We'll get there, we'll get there. Because I locked it. Let's switch into, all right, so your first, what was your first big check that you were like? And when did you start staying there? Right out of college?

Yeah, I think I started about 21. Okay. But professionally, I became a professional, I guess it's hard to define professional, professional, but I did quit my day job, and I borrowed money, and I paid it back to buy a computer, so I could have a computer. Okay. And I was supporting myself

Writing for people and doing stuff and then when I won last comic standing that was 2008 So that was the first big check gotcha. What was that check? That was a quarter of a million dollars That was big bad with that show was huge at the time Well season was that? Is this season six? No, was that like it was, yeah, it was. It was after the show had hit its popularity, so I caught it right at the decline, like the fall of Rome, before it completely disintegrated.

So season six. How long were you would stand up at that point? Three years. Three years. 250 G. Did you start in LA or did you start in Texas. I started in L.A. started in L.A. Yeah I went to college and then I got to L.A. and I immediately just got a job. I like got a job like I went to a temp agency and they

put me somewhere and then somehow I stayed and I was just like an assistant. Not great. You know I would like pull my boss out of calls to be like can I read you a sketch. I wrote this sketch about this girl who hates her job. And he was so supportive. And then one day I was just like, you know what? I got asked to do a military tour and I was like, I think I can do this full time if I cobble together

enough tiny paychecks. So I called my mom, I was like, I'm gonna quit this job. She was like, okay. And I did it. Parents have always been supportive of it. That's good. Because I was supportive myself. What'd you do with 250?

Any stupid purchase? Stupid, no. Or like, what'd you do with his 250s? Any stupid purchase? Stupid, no. Or like, what'd you do with it? I immediately went shopping and I bought like some nice t-shirts. Okay. I was like, this is so great. And then I bought a condo.

Smart. Smart. Yeah. You still own that condo? No. I sold it to buy my first house. And then that was a few houses ago, but I lived in a house by myself. Yeah, yeah.

You're doing well. That's pretty good. But I bought it. Two at the beacon. Two, only two. Yeah, it's a shame. And so that was, yeah, I had a little condo in not a great neighborhood.

Whoops, it's LA. And then- How old are you at the time when you buy this condo? 26? 26 buying a condo? And then just on the road like every day for your entire life like Just touring. What was that? So Jake you hit last comic standing. What did that's like weekends at clubs then like you're right Now you're your tickets. Yeah, it's clubs clubs It's clubs. Like you have the funny bones, and you're in the improvs. Clubs that don't even exist anymore.

Sure. Owners who died. Like, I've outlived them all. The Funny Farm and Wiley's and stuff. Yeah, just with no real reference for the way to do it or to fly first class. Like, you're flying coach. You get no opener that you don't approve of.

Like, you don't get an opener you approve of. You're just there. And they get you in there on like a Wednesday So you can wake up for press on some like radio station that talks about football and you have to act like you care Baltimore You're over it Thursday Friday three shows Saturday three shows Sunday and Probably get a little drunk after each one, never before, and then just coming home with your dog.

I had a dog, a different dog, and just that was my life. Were you taking the dog with you on the road at that point? I was the first. Wow. Everyone does it now. Good for you. I was like, I need someone. You were the first.

Because we're all Kansas at like a giggle hut. And so I brought Blanche, and she was in all my specials at the beginning. 67-year- old retiree. I brought my grandma and her breathing machine and she was a rescue and I just for like 8 or 9 years just brought her everywhere. Very nice. Kip, I got to tell you about Soul. Oh, this just got a little soulful. We're talking about Soul out of the office, micro dose gummies gang, do yourself a favor,

switch it up from having the beers and a glass of wine or the fifth of vodka whatever you're doing after a long day all you need is a little soul out of the office of micro dose gummies we're talking about hemp derived THC and CBD to give you just that little just a little touch that little relaxed that little I'm chilling at the beach kind of vibe yeah take the edge off a little bit. And now with Soul, you can get this in all 50 states. Did you know that? That you can hook it up, you get a little THC, a little CBD all around.

It's all good. You can show yourself straightened out. Dude, I had one last night. They sent them over. I popped one. I was going to have a beer, but I don't need the calories. Sure. Pop that in, sat back, watched a little TV, chilled out the whole

night man. Shout out to Soul. Yeah. Soul was founded five years ago by brother and sister duo Mike and Angie Lee. Mike is a former world ranked professional boxer and Angie is the author of professional speaker who had the desire to create natural alternatives to medication and tackle problems they deal with themselves. Sleepiness, anxiety, focus, pain. And like they said with Soul they got it all little, focus, pain. And like they said, with Soul, they got it all. Little dabble, do ya? This holiday season, give the gift of Soul. Head to GetSoul.com and use the code garbage for 30% off your order. That's 30% off your order using code garbage. One last time, GetSoul.com, code garbage, 30% off your order. Do it.

Yeah. At Wealthsimple, we're built for whatever you're building. Built for Jane, who wants to break into the housing market. We're built for Ted, who's obsessed with what's happening in the global markets. And built for Celine, who just wants to retire and explore the world's flea markets. So take a moment and think about what you're building for. We've got the financial tools to help make it happen. Wealthsimple, built for possibilities.

Visit wealthsimple.com slash possibilities. Yeah. And then you sold the condo and bought a house. What's the house you're in now? What's it? What, how big is it? Is it nice? She just talked to you like we were so poor.

What is it? You don't know what a house is? I'm sorry. It's a house is it's like dwelling It's like it's bigger than an atrium multiple atrium It's a nice house. Yeah, you got a pool. We got a pool is it saltwater Why do you guys keep asking me if things are saltwater? Cuz we are dirt bag saltwater like most people have saltwater especially in LA. I'm surprised you don't have another question You open your eyes underwater fuck?

Yeah, I gotta see all the money Is it a chlorine pool or one of those there's something else besides the chlorine pool. No, there's salt there's chlorine Public fountains Is a regular pool? Okay for regular people. I will most people in La that we've that I've talked to have come across Have they a lot of them have salt water? Polarizer does he have a saltwater pool no Paul Paul riser did not like the program or the questions we were asking The exact quote was you have a lot of stupid fucking questions. Oh my god welcome to podcast. No, I'm enjoying this. No, there's no salt water Okay, it's a regular pool. I think Rob Lowe has a salt water pool. Maybe that's like a

Choice, but I don't know why you would comic suit though. I feel there is a reason I can't remember what it is Yeah, maybe it's a salination thing where you can float. I think it's just like healthier It's like less chemicals or something definitely less chemicals, but I don't I don't know You're okay. All right fair enough. Yeah, I don't you got a hot tub jacuzzi. There's a hot tub attached hatched I will tell you I want to fall little water is a waterfall, but it's It's like for a kid to go like it's not like a waterfall like a grotto. I got Trying to like downplay my pool. I'm like I want them to think I'm too highfalutin. Did you build this house that you're in now

or did you just buy it as is like from scratch? No, no, I didn't. I bought it. Little renovations. Yeah, but nothing. You know what? No, we did add a gym. OK, I took it in that year. It was an atrium. I'm not kidding. And we knocked it down to put the gym.

It's brought in the atrium. It's small because I didn't want to I feel like you I will work out more And I do because it's attached to the house. You just throw on your sports bra and you know for sure you guys know Man I almost agree That was smooth And this is the house you and you and your guy moved in together This was the husband You and your guy I asked her what her hi Esther what her house is did some did some comic object to calling it I didn't know I couldn't remember if you would mention that he was a husband

I didn't want to I didn't want to put your business out my partner your guy Just taking his swing you went with you and your dude And do you never ring on I didn't want to blow up your spot. I don't because clock the ring That's swinger shit Banging from my cab door. I'm saying the fact that he looked I don't either I don't either free go are you married? I am to a guy Me and my bro and my bro we touch tips we watch mad about you um I Have a husband regular husband okay with regular. He's regular. He's just

Regular dude he'll always like flex his arm, and I'll touch it. I'll be like well. He's like. It's just my regular arm I don't know what your, just my regular. This guy's awesome. What does he do? He's a chef. Okay, really? Yeah, he's a chef. Like a good one?

He's outstanding. You know the McDonald's on 47th? Does he work at Cici's? He works, it's a long relationship. He does it as a career. He's in front of the buffet. He's not just cooking at the house. He is a, he's like a, he's a chef.

He's opened a few restaurants for people, but he's a cookbook author So he has his cookbooks, but he's the guy you would call to be like can you write my cookbook with me? Like he is a writer. What's his name? His name is Noah um? No, what GAL who's creeping now look at you and And that's we've been married for six years. We have two kids Look at you. U-T-E-N. And that's, we've been married for six years. We have two kids.

Good looking guy. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. I tell him that all the time and he kind of doesn't make eye contact and he scrolls away. Runs back to the kitchen where he belongs. What is the kitchen like? Did you guys-

What if he was hideous? What are you gonna say? Be like, well, that's a body. I would be like, this guy? I'd be like, that's a guy. That's your guy. That's your guy. That is a guy.

What's the kitchen like? We got like Viking ranges. Do we got sub Z? Stainless steel. We got that kind of stuff. And it's really like a working kitchen. So as a woman, I'm always like, maybe I could put a pumpkin or like a candle.

But he's like, no, we have a next to my Lizer for the corn. We have a thing that grinds the oats. We just picture him in their corner. We did like that. You're trying to decorate it with like, this door is marked out. corn, we have a thing that grinds the oats. I just picture him in their corner. You're trying to decorate it with like, this door is marked out. Fire table to let's go. Yeah, yeah. So it's his he does his recipe testing there. Other people think so he's got we've got like a smoker, we have two

different grill like he's got his things. He's working out of it. It's like he's he's working. And so that's great. He had a lot of cooking. He does all the cooking. Nice. Like I'm. What was the last thing you cooked? Cooked? What can you cook?

Anything? Cook or like heat up. Cook. Why, I don't, I don't love it. I don't, it's not like a feminist. It's not like, I feel like when women say that it's like, and I'm gonna do it, men, I don't wanna serve anyone. It's just not something, in the way that he doesn't love

like watercolors, like it just doesn't call to you. Can you make eggs? Scramble eggs? I can. But I don't. But somebody else has to clean that pan, because it's hard, because sometimes the pan gets too hot and I burn them.

So that's embarrassing, as a grown woman. Will he eat anything that you like? If you're like, hey babe, I'm making eggs. I would never say that to him. No. I would never make him something No, because he's never you've never made one thing. I made him total hole once and it was total hole It's a piece of bread. It's trashy. This is so nuts. It's a whole toad No, it's a piece of bread and you cut out the hole and you fry the egg in it

Oh, I know we're talking about yeah, like a crock-a-daisy like a dirt bag. Yeah like a dirt bag eggie in a basket I made it once and he ate it. What are you for? Better don't know what I saw it in Moonstruck Olivia Dukakis made it for share It's a good movie snap out of it one of my Big pepper grinders. We it's like that they come around with. People are obsessed with cheese, fresh cracked pepper, and I don't know what it is.

I'm sure he's got the automatic ones, the salt and the pepper. You got to grow up. I don't know. We have a thing. But the the cheese is always embarrassing at restaurants because I will let them go for a very long time Okay, can you just leave it here and they're like we can't it's the house one and you're like, okay Well, you're gonna get a wrist workout. Yeah So I don't but we have all the nice we have good pots and pans all that stuff really good

You have the Dutch oven. What's it called? Look who say. Yes, you got that? We have a lot of that. Got the whole set, huh? He's got his things. She knew how to pronounce it, too. That's classy. That's pretty good. I didn't even want to do it. That's classy. That's some nice French cookware. I would have said Le Baron or something like that.

You would have said Crockpot. Shout out to a Crockpot. I had one when I met him, and now we use it to like... I don't know what he uses, like wax. I don't know what he uses it for. It's like little toaster like it's been like relegated sure well Yeah, he's in they use he's like a mad scientist in there figuring shit out. You guys have a toaster oven Yeah, but the whole thing the old-school one like it opens and you can broil in it No, but yours is like in just sit on the counter. It's on the counter, but it's not you don't put the toast in the yeah

I gotcha. It's like a little baby oven. I love those. We got that. We got like a Zojirushi rice cooker. A what? It's a brand. It's just like a rice cooker. OK.

Rice cooker. We have lots of gadgets for making the things, because he does recipe testing for a lot of different types of his eat. You have a sous vide? He must have one. Did I say that right? Sous vide.

Yeah, yeah, you got it. For those of you, it's eaten out of a bag. It's a hot bag which I did which Apparently it's delicious. Don't they do it like fucking Taco Bell and shit. It's that's different usually yeah Yeah, it's a microwave. Where was the honeymoon? the honeymoon was supposed to be in We were gonna go go all through Italy, and then Croatia, and then Paris. Because Split's supposed to have amazing seafood,

and it's supposed to be amazing, we're gonna go to Paris, and he really wanted to go to Italy, and I had been once before, and he is half Italian, and loves it, so I was like, let's go, and I had just come home from Europe on tour, and I just, no one's asking me this, I cracked. And we're in Rome, which is like not romantic, it's just like vacationing in midtown.

Like it's just like, oh my God. And I snapped and I was like, I have to go, I cannot do this anymore. Like I'm so tired, my nose won't stop running, I miss my dog, like it was just, it's a lot of travel on a body. And I remember being in a room, I was like, we have to cancel Paris, we have to cancel,

I cannot fucking do this. And I fell asleep and when I woke up he was gone. And I remember thinking like, that's right, cause you're annoying. So he has left you because you're not so hot that he's gonna be like, this is worth it. And he was downstairs on the phone with American Airlines changing our plan so we could go home And so we then went to this place called post ranch in which turns out is just as expensive as two weeks in Europe

In Northern California, and we did mushrooms and hung out there for three days, and that was great Hmm whoa Okay, do you drink I used to and I will but not as much what's your go-to? You're going out you're gonna have a cocktail you doing glass of wine you doing a beer you're doing cocktail You say it seems like a martini, but it's really just vodka okay on the rocks with a lot of olive juice Okay, so vodka on the Tito's on the rocks very very dirty Tito's on the rocks dirty alright Maybe blue cheese stuffed olive. What are you whipping around town? And what's the what's the car at the house? I got a Kia Sportage you got a Kia and I fucking love it sponsored by them or something

You drive. Oh, I wish you got a Kia fucking Sportage. Is this what is that? What is the tone? I can't tell trash trash what let me tell you something. I owned a six Netflix special Wait do you see what Ali Wong drives. It's like a Toyota. It's a murdered out matte black Kia. And I have to tell you, I test drove. Here's the thing, do you have kids? No.

No. Most nice luxury SUVs, you cannot fit two car seats comfortably in the back. I looked at the A8, I looked at a Lexus, which I absolutely hated, even though I leased it for one day. I went to the Land Rover, and the guy was like, this can drive on three wheels.

I just gotta go to Ralph's. Do you like wheelie? I was like, yeah, I just wanna park it. And so at the end of the day, I didn't wanna deal with, like, this plugs in and you have to log in with Siri. I have all the creature features, it's a mom car, I can drive it like I stole it, it gives me no trouble. Lease or owned? I leased it. But it was brought to my house. I have a guy and I got to pay. I think he was annoyed

that I didn't pick something nicer. Carvana? My guru? I bought my used car on Carvana. Mercedes though. A little bit of flood damage. What's the chef driving? Like a like a base model. I think it's a Honda like I barely has power Windows do we just look what fits the kids in that safe because neither of us I'm a girl like if I drive a pink G wagon no one's like I want to fuck her harder There's a difference between a pink G wagon and a goddamn keys Portage if you saw this Kia and you saw the creature features and you can change the color of the lights And that's trashy love it. What do you what are you driving uber?

Who uses the lights inside a cd player like a Dominican uber driver? As many iPhone charges as I want I have an iPad in the back Are you enjoying this right? I have an iPad in the back. Are you enjoying this ride? Octopus, where you can play it? It's not like, remember in like the early 2000s, you could get lights under your car, under the chassis and it would like.

I've seen Fast and Furious. I still think it's a sick move. I don't have that. People have stopped me because they think the Kia is so exquisite. And if you saw it. Listen, I had a Kia up until a year ago. What kind of Kia did you have? Forte?

It's a Kia Savant. It was a Kia Forte, thought a Kia boys got me. They got you. Uh huh. Are you being careful of that? What? The Kia boys? Oh, I thought we were just yes anding.

I don't know. Man, this girl's good. What is a Kia boy? The Kia boys, there's a... Oh, they steal like alternators or... No, that's catalytic converters. Oh, catalytic converters? Who the hell wants an alternator?

I was like, watch this. They're going to love that I know that. That's what they're going to love. The key about there's a there's a still like a alternators or knows that's catalytic converters. Oh, catalytic converter. Who the hell wants an alternate? I was like, I was like, watch this. They're going to love that. I know that's when they take the spark plugs. What is it? There's a how there was a glitch in Kia where you could steal it real easy.

There's still kind of doing it. And they started they've called him the Kia boys. They would just they would do it just for the fun of it. And it was like teenagers just stealing their car, just stealing your car. No one's taking it. Okay. Two car garage?

Two car garage. Okay, you got a fridge in that garage? We do for my husband's like soup stocks that he freezes. It's not like a go for the rumpus room, like have your friends get a pop kind of fridge. It's like just for him. I just thought you'd like that. Thought you guys would like me more. It's like just for him. You're not. I just thought you'd like that. I thought you guys would like me more.

It's like you're not allowed to open that. It's just for like his stuff to work. It's like, yeah. And my coffee. And your coffee. We freeze the coffee beans because we get a lot of them. OK. Freeze them.

They last longer. Now, is that the only house you guys got a vacation property anywhere? We do. Nice. We just bought it. We just spent our first summer there. And so summer.

She summers. Where's that roughly? You got to get out of where you live. And the West Coast? It's on the West Coast. It's Washington state, kind of rural. And so it's beautiful. We wanted land.

So that feels very Republican. I'm like, I want to land. I want to land. And I got it. And I got to defend it. I asked. I said, what if we just got a small gun? And he was just like, absolutely not. Like the odds of you shooting yourself are 100%. Yeah.

I said, what if you did the shooting? I'll do it. Dude, if I can't have it. So that's nice. And we have. That's all right. You're flying up front now, I assume, right? Yeah.

Wherever you go. I fly the plane. That's how much I am. They're flying up front now, I assume, right? Yeah. Wherever you go. I fly the plane. That's how much I am. They're like, we trust you. You seem you seem responsible. Will you bring food on the plane with you? I do. What do you bring? Not like an immigrant.

Like I'm bringing like a whole fish. You ever watch you ever go to Australia? They do a show called Border Patrol, and it's basically just them watching people who try to bring in. It's always like an older Chinese lady bringing in just them watching people who try to bring in, it's always like an older Chinese lady bringing in like half a dragon. Oh, we have it here.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say half a dragon? But it's just stuff where you're like, come on. And they play dumb. They're like, oh, I had no idea it was in here. It's like, you repackaged it, lady. You knew what you were doing. You wrote your name on it.

Where can you bring in tiger steak? Like this thing is alive. Is this your mongoose? Yeah, I think that was okay to bring in live spores. I Have I here's the thing I sleep on planes very easily and so I don't really want to eat their food It's never that great unless you're on like a nice international flight, and I fly around the country so much So usually by the time I wake up the food's gone, and they will never reheat it for you So my husband packs me a breakfast

What are we talking like a bean and cheese burrito or like a little turkey sandwich. You eat that on the plane? I eat it before takeoff and then I go to sleep. You eat a bean and cheese burrito in first class? I'll suck it down. Probably a nice one. It's not hot.

It still smells like beans. No, it's not, it's not like, cause it came from the house. So it's like warm-ish, but it's wrapped in foil. You know, it's not like I'm eating like a whopper on a domestic flight or something. So, but then like carrots and some almonds and I just tore them in my cheeks for the winter.

Take your shoes off on the plane? Yeah. All right. But with socks and they're fresh socks and I have two and I always travel pro tip with a second pair of socks in case your tootsies get cold. Ooh. You both look like you have circulation issues. I think compression socks?

No, but that would be good for you. I've never felt so close to you. They're warm. And so they're always clean. Not that we're worried about that, but I always have clean socks. We're worried about that. Do you like deviled eggs?

No. Really? I think that's so gross. You think deviled eggs are gross? What about a hard-boiled egg? Also gross? If the yolk is like a little jammy, as they say in this show. You like a little jammy?

Like a fresh one. Yeah, you're not gonna like get them at the gas station as a snack. Okay, I was gonna say the Delta Lounge, but yes, you and I can find some common ground. I don't like that. Listen, I'm diamond, by the way, or platinum. No, I'm diamond.

That's what we all say, we yell it. I'm diamond, you asshole. You're diamond, I'm platinum. Yeah, I. I'm diamond by the way or platinum. No, I'm dying. That's what we all say we yell it I'm yeah, I'm dying you're done. Yeah, I I'm diamond. I think even in I like the lounge I'm out of here. I'm sorry lax lounge is nice. Yeah, everyone else It's like you're in a fucking conference center waiting for Randy to come dog Fuck out of here Heathens go back to your shanties. I don't eat, I don't eat the, it's just, it's- You don't eat the hot food there? No, you see businessmen like,

Shut up. Because their families won't let them eat like that at home when they're getting, I'm like, I'm not eating meat at the airport, I just, I'm fine. I'll have like a little bit of- Really? I don't want it. I'm exclusively meat at the airport. Because you're like, look at this free meat,

look at this whole- No, I don't like going there, I'd rather go to a restaurant and get something I- Oh really, in the airport? Yeah, I don't like the fact that I'd rather go to a restaurant and get something I. Oh really, in the airport? Yeah, I don't like the fact that I can't choose my food. Okay, so you can choose your food at home and you can bring it. I know you think that's garbage, but it opens you up to having it the way you want it.

Well, I'm not married to, my guy's not a chef. I think in this situation it's classy. I think in this situation that's classy. Yeah, it's not like I'm bringing like a Pearl spoon for caviar, like it's just like a little, half a turkey sandwich and I eat it before I fall asleep. Okay. I also bring my own coffee in How do you do that? So there's some companies make like a little single serving almost like a tea bag, but it's got coffee in it Okay, I just thinking why don't people do that more they do some of the come can some companies do cuz airline coffee is

It's like lighter fluid and so I get that and I asked for cream and a hot cup of water I just make my own and it's a nice thing. It's all a little taste a little comfort. Yeah, I'll give you that What's the coffee brand that you'd that you like? I'm not just I love anything. I love Duncan you said you had a lot of it at the house I assumed you had a specific brand works I like I like as long as it's I like mild Can't do a strong cup and then get on a plane and then like hold your ships sure I'm going across the country I'm not gonna you mentioned Ralph's is that where you guys are primarily shopping no air one

Whole Foods Whole Foods. I think is just my husband does the grocery shopping right does he go or does it get delivered? No, no you can't get delivered cuz you Because it won't be specific. He goes. He goes. He's got to like look and get it. So you don't got to do any of that. You don't have to shop, you don't have to cook. He's got it all under control. He does that. Huh. Yeah. I had two children. So I did that.

Gotcha. And a lot of other things. But he does it. He loves it. A lot of other things. He does. He likes doing it. Like when we met, he saw the way that I ate and he took over my diet and the dog's diet. He was like, she needs to go on more walks. I will be in charge of that. And the first gift he ever gave me was really nice Tupperware for the leftovers he was going to make, because I will eat

turkey out of a bag like a feral raccoon. If you leave me alone, they're going to have bags. I'll eat an apple for dinner. Like, I don't think about it. I won't do this. He make the dogs dinner. Is the dog eating like people food? No, she has regular food. OK. But sometimes he'll add like something nice, like an egg

or something like that. Something. I like it. Yeah. Man, am I passing my family? I'm not sure. This is a lot of curveballs here. Yeah, I mean, you know, you grew up with an atrium, Am I passing? Am I failing? Is it better to fail? I'm not sure. There's a lot of curveballs here. Yeah. I mean, you grew up with an atrium, but also you had every possible relationship of a sibling, which ain't great. Your mom and your dad lived on the same street, but in separate houses. It was a different trailer park. No, it was a different...

You got Randy. Close enough. You worked at Cece's Pizza. Safaris. I've had many jobs. I've worked at a diner You stole from the mall. I did steal from them. I got a key made worked in a seafood. I mean, that's like Yeah, that's like a heist. She ate four lobsters at true locks I can't get a read on it and you know who else was there that night and I'll never forget it Troy Aikman

Really? I remember that cuz I remember I went this is so stupid. Is he still playing? No, this was after that but I went to the bathroom and his date was in there and she farted and I This woman like ripped one Always remember hey Troy hey Akeman loser You got a real one in there remember that date that you went on 1996 she farted the a floss every day I do because I don't want to go to the dentist. I do, but like just to avoid dealing with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why anyone else would floss, not for the exquisite pleasure. I do floss. Have you ever named a pet in a voicemail? Like, hey, you reached Eliza and Gary. Oh, no. I don't, Keith, I don't have, who has a voicemail anymore? I don't know, but is it growing up or anything?

Any of the turtles listed on the answering machine? No. Like you've reached the Sullivan's and Bucky. Rest in peace, Chippy. No, the animals aren't on that. Have you ever done like the fake, hey, what's up? Nah, I'm not here. Nah, that's not, I'm just fucking with you.

I must have. I'm sure you did. I think I remember like playing a song. That was big. That was a thing to do. Do you remember any ringtones yet? Do you remember how we all wanted ringtones? And now we all have the exact same iPhone ring. No one cares. Yeah Every once in a while you hear somebody with a ringtone. You're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, it's crazy

So we saw an ant or something like that Or did you ever have the I think it was the ring back when you call your buddy fabulous would play whatever My brother my buddy shout out to Ryan have fabulous My mom was underwater too Yeah, it never sounded good um my mom has a friend and when the friend calls it plays putting on the ritz When Debbie Revis calls we hear putting on the rest When my Debbie of the Revises you know Debbie when my mom used to call my brother my brother had the law and order song That's good. That's fun. So

King size bed at home. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz he's a bigger guy. Okay, I will sleep on an army cot I sleep on an airplane like I could sleep in a cat box, but it's a king-size bed TV in the bedroom No, no TV or anything. Uh TV in the bedroom? No. No TV. No eye mask or anything? Uh, eye mask when I travel. Okay. Because hotels you never know. I keep one on me. No TV in the bedroom by design. Now I got a thing. When you check into a hotel, is it done already? Yes. And you just go in and get the key or you have someone go in and get the key? Of course. Well, my tour man-

Well, I'm just asking. My tour manager, but if I'm on vacation, I gotta, you know,'s like a conversation before but I'll go get it because there's a fake name because people are weird Really? You're faking it. You have to I love it people really hate Jews No prior to that just I've had like a stalker like you sure just don't know sure The tour manager gets it gives me the key and I you don't have to deal with it I love that cuz there's always someone who's like well your ID doesn't match the fake name You don't say you don't give it to me so she does that okay? Will you take leftovers home from a restaurant I? Would but you don't eat everything yeah, I agree with that left over what um

We asked to change the table at a restaurant if you go and they're like, it's like by the door of the kitchen or whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like the bathroom. Will you send something back? It has to be pretty egregiously. Like, it has to be, like, this was fish, I ordered a hamburger. Okay. Um, and it, but it's never, usually if we have a complaint, my husband worked in restaurants for so long, I'll do it after, we'll do it after we pay. complaint my husband worked in restaurants for so right I'll do it after we'll do it after we pay okay just to be like just for your feedback like I am ill but I will pay full price that's classy people know like and I think sometimes when you complain if you say like I don't want anything I just need you to know that just you this is a big big swing and a miss on this most

people don't care but better to have paid hmm I... I mean... Yeah. I don't know, man. How do you get your steak cooked? Oh, see if I say well done, you're gonna get me trashed. What am I saying? Rare, you can't make too much money. Yeah. Because it depends on the type of meat you're eating.

Okay. Medium. I do medium. Classy. When you're pregnant, you really want it. Sure. You can't, but I would do it anyway. Because I don't think it would.

That's fine. It lives on the edge. It's rolling the dice. I like that. Eat that blood. Medium to medium rare, but I will eat the sides and the middle is usually too rare. So someone will eat that instead. Okay.

Give me that. I want to eat that beating heart. Yeah. You go out with another couple. Will you split the check or one of you just picks up the check? I don't know. We don't have any friends. No. I respect it.

We, uh, I think it depends. I depend, like, are you visiting? Did you come for, like, who kind of, you know, or do you just split it? You just split it. It depends on the friend. If I'm with a friend, I make more money than most of my friends, so I'll usually just pay. You pick it up. You have to. I like it or like I just met a friend for breakfast and She picked the restaurant which for two women to have one be definitive who isn't a lesbian that was just like we'll go here So I was like I got this because I was late and you picked it so what'd you get? I? Got a black-and-white cookie cuz we're in New York and a really big cup of coffee

And I had two eggs with spinach and then I ate the I was gonna eat the tune off of her salad I gave it to the dog who was in the restaurant in a bag She's a vegetarian I don't I genuinely I mean like we've said this before but like this is that the highs are so high and the lows are Low it's tricky you brush your teeth lows are low. It's tricky. You brush your teeth in the shower? What's sick is that I'm anxiously awaiting your decision. I genuinely...

In the shower sometimes. If I'm really cold and I want to be in there longer, I'll bring all my things in. Okay. Is it a waterfall shower? There's the different settings. Like, there's the waterfall, the regular shower head, and then the wand. You'll see you have three... You can come out of three different places. the different settings. Like there's the waterfall, the regular shower head, and then the wand. You'll see you have three,

you can come out of three different places. Three different water orcises. It's not a tub shower, right? No. That's now, she's classy, she's got cash. Is that a thing? Where the tub and the shower, cause I've seen really nice ones where it's all one.

You're saying it's not classy to have them together? No, I wouldn't, I imagine now that you're not, you have a shower that you walk into it's not a not like A like a tub with the thing coming out in the curtain, right? There's no curtain. Okay. It's a glass door Damn, you got glass door money pretty good. I Gotta I gotta call this. I don't know. I don't think it's She's trash I mean come on That's what you want on this podcast. I don't know.

She's got to be walks. I guess I'm split. I got to I got to call it split. I mean, where I didn't go on my honeymoon because I had that breakdown through mental breakdown. Oh, my moon. Nice piece of property. No saltwater pool. Cousin like deviled eggs. Do I do I want to be I want to know honeymoon. Nice piece of property. No salt water pool.

Cousin like deviled eggs. Do I do I want to be I want to be trash. OK, so I won't tell you anything. Nice. Is there something another house? Pulls out of a while. You own another house to three three properties. But that's what you do when you get money. But the key is mortgage that's murdered out.

You don't like that. I have that because you had a a shitty one and now you're no I under no no no no boys After delinquent found it they were sleeping in their eye on drugs. Oh you found it Yeah, I found it with the oh It's like someone slept with your girlfriend and now you don't like her or any girl named Jeanette because you know Jeanette Do you eat in the car? Sure. Fast food?

No. You're not a fast food person? No. The bean burrito on the, she's trash. I can't get past that. It was a turkey sandwich, sometimes. But sometimes it's a burrito on a plane. I gotta say you can't do that.

Okay. But it's made by her husband who's a chef. He also had one. We flew here together and we had the burrito. Two burritos on a plane? He's in town? That's where I drove the fucking one. I'm sorry, it's pronounced Dose Burritos. Chefs. He's that's where I drove the pronounced dose burritos.

Chefs in town. It's pronounced chefs in town. I love trash. Yeah, she's trash in the present tense in the present tense. Yeah. Now only speak Spanish in the present. Yeah, she's garbage. What are we doing here?

Vacations at Club Med. Come on. Yeah. Twice. All right. I wanted to be garbage. I wanted to be relatable. But you can walk in both worlds. I wanted to be garbage. I wanted to be relatable But you can walk in both worlds. I'll give you that of course. Yeah, I'm a shapeshifter connection to Martha's Vineyard the Safari

Jethro told oh Beyond my control my radio CJ I worked at a radio DJ. Ladies and gentlemen, 100% trash. Elijah Schlesinger, everybody. Yeah, thank you. Wait, I need to tell you my trash thing. What is it? Last night, we went to dinner.

And afterward, I'm like, oh, my stomach feels, I feel like a little gassy, like a little pain. My stomach hurts. But we went to get pizza after dinner. And I was like, I'll just eat these two pieces of pizza really quickly to shove the pain down and I'll just deal with it later. And then I had diarrhea.

But I wanted to eat the pizza after dinner so badly. So I was like, I'll just, it'll be for my future self to deal with. I'll just layer it on. Should I just leave? That's self medical advice just eat it really fast you can have the pleasure and then you're just gonna deal with it later where'd you get the pizza industry industry industry that's classy yeah I

did have dire I didn't feel well man yeah you're trash buddy you're trash but man unbelievable what a Yeah, congratulations on everything I mean you are an absolute killer Six Netflix specials you got another special on the way the tour everything don't forget the appearance on the Ed McMahon star search Eliza slashing everybody Anything you want the folks out there to know? I too have a podcast that comes out on Wednesdays.

It's called Ask Eliza Anything, where the audience is the guest and you write in your burning life questions that you cannot ask your friends and family and we will give you the perfect advice. Awesome. We cut to the core and you guys can come see me on tour. Great.

Absolutely, Levy Kipy, what do you got for them? Guys, AYG and friends, the next one I think that's not sold out is 11-8 at the music hall get those tickets are you garbage calm Eliza? We love you, buddy. Thank you so much. Meet you guys. Thank you again. We love you. We'll see you next week