Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Jessica Kirson: Jersey Class

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with great Jessica Kirson. Jessica talks growing up in New Jersey, having divorced parents, and stand up comedy. You know Jessica From Comedy Central, The Tonight Show, and her own stand up special. Support our Sponsors: https://www.ipvanish.com/garbage/ Originally Aired on www.GasdigitalNetwork.com on October 20th, 2020 Sign up for Gas Digital: www.GasdigitalNetwork.com - Promo code: AYG Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy. Just wanna thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage. Yeah guys, make sure you subscribe. That way you get the episode as they come out and you can also go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG to get bonus content and get the episodes before they come out and HD streaming. Do it.

Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Baby, that intro takes me back to the summer of 2020. Hey everybody out there

and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is R U Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they're a piece of caravaggio. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a nice, crisp fall day here in the East Village, New York City.

It feels like they're shooting ET outside. I fucking love it, man. I love it. My jacket does not fit in the traditional sense, but that is neither here nor there. I can't do the Hawaiians after Labor Day, so I'm going with the Hawaiian athletic jacket that fit me last Christmas.

But that's neither here nor there. My co-host coming at you from right next to me. Gang, you know the drill. He cooks the books. He keeps everybody in line. He keeps the IRS and the feds and the CIA off our back. The next time you reach out for a best pal, do yourself a favor.

You go ahead and make it a kippy. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey gang, happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there as well. Those numbers are through the fucking roof.

Also, you can sign up for guests as a network using promo code AYG. You just get to save a couple of bucks every month. We get to make a couple of bucks every month. So win, win for everybody. Happy to be here. Yes, sir. And gang, we could not be more excited.

And I know you could not be more excited because this is a highly requested guest we have today. And I'll tell you what, this rap sheet right here credits, we got a little fucking star power in the building up there. A little bit of juice coming in. Make that cappuccino decaf extra foam, kid, all right? Gang, our guest today is an extremely funny

standup comedian and actor. As an actor, she has appeared in the Jim Gaffigan show. Kevin can wait. The comedian with Mr. Robert De Niro crashing Rammy, the king of Staten Island, okay? As a standup comedian, sit back, get fucking comfortable. This is gonna take me a minute. Let's go.

Here we go. We're going back. Last comic standing. Last call with Carson Daly. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno twice. The OG. OG, all right? We're talking shoulder pads, big suits.

Looks like you got shoulder pads in right now, to be honest with you. They're wide receiver pads. All right, we got The Apprentice. The Apprentice, Wanda Sykes, Hilarious, Gotham Comedy Live, The Nightly Show, At Midnight. What's your fucking deal? This week at the Comedy Cellar lights out with David Spade.

I will now turn to the page. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Torn of it at last on TBS and the new series, Stars in the House. And she also has her own special out called Talking to Myself presented by Mr. Bill Burr. Ladies and gentlemen, the big question everybody's mind today, is she garbage?

I don't know that, but she's a fucking hell of a standup comedian and she's goddamn successful. And I'm sure she's got a little bit of cash on her because she bought a brand new fucking car today. And we're gonna hear all about it. Give it up for Jessica Kersen, everybody. Oh, thank you. Much deserved.

Hi, that's so nice. So happy to have you here. I'm so happy to be here. I know I've had to cancel a couple of times and I apologize to you guys. We've had to do the same. So we're glad I finally worked out. Yeah, it's your fault.

How was Leno? Was he cool? Was he handsy? What's the deal? He fingered me, but he was very, he was nice, so it doesn't matter. Real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joey, don't get me. Don't get me. Yeah. Buddy, thanks so much for coming in. Thank you. No, he was actually incredibly nice. He came backstage twice and talked to me and was really sweet.

He was. That's one guy I've always wanted to meet. Really? I think, just I grew up watching him. Yeah. I grew up watching him and then Conan. Yeah. So I've always wanted to meet him.

Yeah, and they're all pretty nice. I mean, some of them are known to be dicks, but most of them are really nice. Yeah. I want to meet the guy that played him on The Nightly Show. Remember that, that movie? No.

You know what I'm saying? I remember it, but I can't picture who that is. It looks just like him. All right, that would have hit if everybody would have saw the movie. I mean, dude, you went for a deep cup with The Nightly Show. Can't you edit that out?

Yeah, still. Cut that. That's at four minutes and 31 seconds. Kill everybody in the live stream. Yeah, we've been really trying to have you on for a long time. We're so glad that we got you here. What is the backstory of Jessica Kersen?

What did you? You're a Jersey gal, I think. Yes. Yeah. Yes, I grew up in South Orange, New Jersey. Okay. And I. It's a little bit of cash down there, right?

Yes. A little bit of money. Yes, in my part of the time. Yeah. Nice. I lived in an area called Newstead, which everyone called Houston. So not religious though.

Anytime people think that they're like, oh, you must, I was not brought up religious. Okay. Just reform. Just culturally Jewish? Yes. Yes. And then I, my parents were married.

They got divorced when I was 13. And my mom got remarried to Zach Braff's father. That's right. Right, so there's four kids there. There were two of us, just my sister and I. So it became six of us. Three girls and three boys. Like the Zach Braff.

Zach Braff is your step-brother? Yes, we did a Q&A together last night. That's crazy. Yeah, we did a for charity. I mean, we made money, but it was for, he's like, ask for 20 grand. Jesus Christ. He's got the kind of money to her.

It's like, if it ain't 20, don't even come at me. I'm not getting out of bed. Right, for 20 minutes. I was like, oh my God, I'm not used to this thing. Coming from a committee, like 20 grand. I made, that's what I made in fucking 92. Right. That's what I mean.

Yeah, that's this year for COVID, during COVID. Wait a minute, would see an actor when? He was a child actor. He was nine and I was 15 when our parents started dating. And then we lived together when he was 13 and I was, I don't remember, 18 or something. Okay. Yeah, and then my dad got remarried to a woman

who was much younger and they had two kids. So now I had a full sister and then I had four steps and two halves. That's one of everything. You're back in a cycle there. And so you live with your mom? Yeah, I lived with my mom. You went with your mom?

Yes. Then she got remarried. Yes. And then the kids move in the house. Right. What was that like? Well, somewhere in college already. It was, actually, I'm very lucky

because everyone really got along. So it was cool. Like we really did. It was like a Brady Bunch situation. It was, yeah. And then I also lived at my dad's half the time. So I was one of those kids who lived out of a suitcase. That's why being a standup has been fine for me.

It's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I literally lived out of a suitcase for years. So he's remarried, new kids. Your mom's remarried, new kids. How many kids were in the breaths? So the breaths were four. I had three stepbrothers and a stepsister.

But he was five years, six years younger than you. Yeah, he was the youngest. So there's eight of you total. Like if you count the half and the step and you, right? Yes. Damn, that's a commingled group right there. I know, and I grew up with one sister until I was a teenager.

So it was weird. So high school was literally like the Brady Bunch. Yes. That's crazy. Yeah, because we were two girls and they were one girl and three boys. So when we got all together, it was three boys and three girls.

The Jewish Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch. First episode, they fire Alice. She was stealing. Because she's white. Yeah. Get Guadalupe in there. That's awesome.

How often did you stay with your dad? Was it like weekends or what was it? I would go a week and then another week. So that was hard because I would get used to one house and then I wouldn't want to go to the other house. You wouldn't want to go where you would. I would get like, sometimes if there was an argument, I'd want to go to the other house.

Yeah, I think that would be pretty good. It's a nice out. Yeah, it depended. It depended on what was going on. Like sometimes I would want to get out and sometimes I wouldn't want to leave because they lived in two separate towns. It was all.

Hey, I thought so was going to ask you how far away. Yeah, they were like 10 minutes from each other. Same with me, that was same. Same school district? No. Would you go to two different schools? No, I went to Columbia in Maplewood, New Jersey and my dad lived in Milburn,

which was like literally seven minutes away. So he would just drive me to school every morning. Okay, all right. I did that same thing. You did? Getting dropped off by your dad every fucking, we did Monday, Tuesday at my mom's, Wednesday, Thursday at my dad's and weekends,

flip-flopped. I know, I got to say like it was okay, but it did fuck me up. Like I've learned recently that a lot of this shit fucked me up. It did, but I mean, there's no way of getting around it if people need to get divorced. Sure.

Now, did you have your own room in each house? Yes. Your own designated room? Yes. Sounded like when you weren't there, someone else was staying there. Your posters, your everything. Your diary under the mattress?

Yes, I had two rooms. I know, and then like they would try to jack them up so that I'd want to stay with one more. That was the good thing I got. You get shit out of it. You learn to play the two against the middle. I got a BB gun, a mini bike, easy. That's like a casino right there.

Give me some chips to play on the house. Did you like one better than the other, one house better than the other? Probably changed maybe at times. Who did better? Yeah. You stepped out of your room with that? Well, at my mom's, I was near my friend.

I was closer to my friends, and I could do different things like smoke pot and drink more. But at my dad's, I had more fun and I had more stuff there, like more toys. And I did fun stuff with them. So it was, I don't know, they both were good for different reasons. Here's a hi-fi question, and this is specifically

for children of divorce. Who took you out to dinner more for both of you? Dad. Your dad. Right? Your dad. See, that's the way you win a kid over. I know.

Fucking have the ground round on a Thursday night. The ground? Yeah. We went to a place called Gyros in Northeast Philly. Smoking section all day. It was fantastic. Gyros. Gyros.

That is garbage. Yeah, it was real trash. I loved it. Hell of a chicken finger. Shout out to Gyros. I don't know what it was, because one of my best friends growing up, his dad was divorced. And the kids lived with the dad.

Dude, we used to go, he was eating out. I don't know what he did. He was a lawyer or something, every night. And it'd be like every two or three days in the summer, they go, you want to come dinner with me and my dad? It's like, fucking yes. I know, you don't go out to eat as much when they're not divorced.

That's so true. Yeah. We always went out to eat. There's a home, there's like a fiber in the home. You go back, everybody's there. Yeah. But when it's all kind of broken up, it's like, yeah. Where would he take you a lot?

Where would be the going out spot? Oh, we'd go out for like grape burgers, and go into the city a lot, which my mom and I didn't do. Yeah, he would take me to places. That's huge as I am. I know. Yeah. I would have subbed up my room with my mom.

Air being beat it for a couple of bucks. Mom, there's an Asian family staying the weekend. Me and dad are going to Mellon's, so we can't make it back. We're going to get a room with the plaza. And he would take me shopping a lot. He did things to try. He knew what he was doing. Yeah.

He also felt guilty because he was fucking a secretary. Did he get married to a secretary? Yeah, he did. Oh, wow. Yeah, she was his secretary, and then they ended up together. My dad just passed, but they had been together for, oh my god, 35 years.

OK. Which is rare, right? Yeah, I would. I mean, he met someone 19 years younger, hot woman. He was charismatic, but they stayed together, which is odd. Yeah. I was the same thing. I was like the bookkeeper, my dad.

And they're no longer together, I don't think. Yeah, so it's, it doesn't always last. It doesn't last a lot, but it did. Wow. Yeah. I think that's what keeping marriages together, that a lot of guys don't get secretaries. You know what I mean?

Because they don't have a good enough job. So true. Now a lot of the wife is the secretary now. Don't you think you're hearing that? Yeah. That's true. What do you do? I work for my husband.

I keep his books. Yeah, and make sure he's not fucking anybody in the apartment, in the office. I watch what he does. What does your parents do? Yeah, what does your pop do? So my mom is a therapist. OK.

So she. That's fun. Yeah, she saw clients in the house my whole life. That's another reason why I am here. What? Yes. That's always so. That's a big thing on the show.

Put a pin in that. Go ahead. So we, so I didn't love being there for that reason after school because I had to be quiet all the time. And then my dad was a business guy. And when he was with Karen, you know, after we were grown up, he made it huge. He got into manufacturing nail polish.

So he made SC and OP all the nail polishes. So yeah. So he did very well with his and his new kids lived a different life than we lived. That's always weird, the dichotomy of that. When did you lose your room at his house? That's a good question. Was there a move?

When the kids were born. When the kid, like, I mean, I didn't need it. I was out of the house at that point. I was in college. But yeah, then they moved. And then it was their two kids, you know, their rooms. Yeah. That happened to me too.

They were like, Michael's getting your shit. I'm like, all right, I'll see you Thanksgiving. Take it easy. Hey, Kippy, you want that race car bed? Put some 20s on that thing. Oh, man. Mom was a therapist. That's a house.

Mom still is. Mom sees Zoom clients all the time now. She's amazing. She really is. I mean, I talk about this a lot, but she's driven me crazy my whole life. I adore her. But it's nuts.

I can imagine. But Julie Shimander, who's a therapist. Yeah, that's like double dipping. Yeah. That is like extreme anxiety and boundaryless. It's so funny for people. I grew up, I grew up in Philadelphia, obviously Philadelphia, you know, the Northeast,

that's like where all the, and the West Coast is where all the Jewish people live. Like there's no Jews in the middle of the country, really. Right. And I grew up with all Jewish friends in a Jewish, like a Jewish area. And I meet people that only have met Jewish people in their like 20s when they moved to New York.

And I'm like, to know the anxiety of a Jewish person is like. It's so right. The neurotic aspect, it's insane. Well, that happened with my wife because she was brought up Catholic, you know, Irish, Italian. Yeah, it was fucked up. Yeah, I'm Irish Catholic.

Right, but it's just the, it's different. It's very similar, but it's different in the way like the neurosis with Jewish people is really crazy. I mean, just. Well, we do it as shame. We take it as shame. You guys, no shame. You'll just, you know, it's all neurotic, yeah.

I'm very shameful. You are? Always, yeah. I'm so sorry. It's embedded in us. Jesus, you're really bringing the heat this episode. I feel bad for everything. Can we get him a B12 shot or something?

What do you mean? That's who you were talking about. I'm so shameful. I had the zinger about Alice. Pretty good. I'm told my own. That nightly show. No, there's so much shame.

There's so much shame. And yeah, I see it. I see it all the time. It's crazy. I'm interested in the I've never known anybody that had a parent who ran their practice out of the house. It's fascinating, actually. But I've been to a couple, like, you know, in the suburbs,

that's, you know, usually where you went to the dentist or where you went to the doctor. Or the dentist or whatever. The dentist in a suburban, you know, suburban neighborhood. And my therapist used to have, when I was in college, they sent me to a therapist for ADD or something like that. And his practice was at his house. And it was always weird, like being in there,

like the kids are out there, like the wife's out there grilling and shit. Like, I'm in there fucking crying about something. So many stories. I mean, did you just hear people like screaming and crying and stuff? I would sit on the stairs and get high. I would get high and then sit on the stairs and listen. Like, I said, no, like people like screaming at a chair

because that was their father, you know, all kinds of shit. But when I was growing up, I mean, I sound like I'm 90, but there were no beepers or cell phones. There wasn't. So I had to answer the door. I was like her secretary. I answered the door and then she never wrote any clients down. So they would just show up and I'd always feel guilty,

like feel bad for them. And I'd be like, I guess she'll be home soon. But would you like something to drink? I got a couple of Capri sons of you. She wasn't home. No, she she she played it fast. She would she would forget them a lot. So they would and sometimes two would show up at the same time

and they would sit in the den and wait. And like the housekeeper's daughter would be in there. I swear to God, and they would all watch cartoons together. So I just walk in and see like Bianca, the house. The housekeeper's daughter and like two of my mom's clients like sitting there and it's a sitcom. It's a fucking yeah. That's like cuckoo's nest.

And then I had to be quiet. She was helping other people, but I was suffering. Like I was I was going through so much shit, but she'd be like Susan's coming and she's having a hard time. So I'm going to need you to be quiet. I'm like, you're going to have to put a little on your feelings. Fuck the cat, but good luck to Susan. Like it was it's amazing having to grow up like that,

being quiet all the time. I think it's why I'm so loud on stage. I love a microphone. I just want to scream. I wouldn't be able to handle that now. It was hard and you can't interrupt them. So, you know, when you're a teenager, you know, can I go to this person's house?

I need this for school. Like I could never interrupt her. So it was not easy. It was not easy. Holy shit. How come she didn't get a little spot in professional center? How much could the rent have been? You know what I mean?

Well, it was, you know, people did that to stay home and take care of their kids. Sure. But the whole thing was her with clients all day anyway. So it didn't even like the point that she was home was there was no. It wasn't really there. Yeah. Yeah. How separate was the was it literally just they came in your front door? Because most places have a side entrance. Yeah, really?

There was two houses. So the first one was they came. This was a lot. They came through the front door and they went into an office when they walked in. But that was where that was. Take your shoes off. Kids want to.

That was like where the, you know, the foyer was like the kitchen was right there. I mean, it was that was in the house. Yeah, that's in the house. When you're a little kid, they're strangers. Oh, you can't do it. Oh, my God. You're laying on the stairs looking like trying to catch a reflection.

I'm like, what the fuck are these people? Yes, some guy would be like, hi, I'm here to see your mother. I'm like, are you sure you're not here to see me? Like it was so frightening. But then the second house, they went in through the garage and then the side thing. So that was a little bit of a buffer. I know, but talking about garbage,

the garage entrance for the. I know. Also, yeah, if you're a therapy, you got to go through a garage. Just hear that door going on. I hear the door. That's the door would give me so much anxiety because I knew someone was coming and then I would be like, mom, like she was gone forever.

If you're walking by a tractor to get to your therapist, you need better insurance for sure. And then she was an art therapist. Like that's how she started. So there would be like tinfoil structures on the floor. Like, did everyone have a meatball? Macaroni nettles. What is happening?

Like. There'd be traces of people's bodies. And like, I just it was fascinating. I mean, yeah, cookie. I love it. Yeah, none of that. And dads, though, I'll tell you that. No, my dad, I cannot even believe they ever were together.

He is was so black and white, macho, like conserved. I mean, it just you don't talk about feeling like he'd he'd ask me if he wanted to know who I how I was. He would say, how's your head? That was my father. How's your head? You OK, Jesse? Real soft guy.

Yeah, my mom would be like, talk about it. Just keep sharing. And I can't believe they were together for 18 years. Jeez, those old school guys, man, they they bury a lot. You're right. And they lose it at some point, their capacity to bury it and function and seem normal on the outside and seem like they're having an OK time. You know, I'm going to have to dinner with my dad a couple of times.

Seem like he's having fun. But they really, man, they. Oh, it's like 50 years of shit, just layer after layer after layer. Oh, when he was dying, my dad passed in April. He had cancer, wasn't COVID, but he was so inward. I mean, that's really interesting. You just said that because he was most I've been around, unfortunately, other my stepfather, my step sister, other people.

And he was just very close with it. And like, you know, he did not want to be vulnerable. And it was so interesting. My uncle, one of my uncles was the same way. He he got cancer and it got him pretty quick. And I remember like when we had to like go and say goodbye to him, they were used to he was in the hospice care at his house. And like, I went in there and he was always like, you know,

that exactly what you're talking about, like just tough on the outside. But, you know, but funny and charming and all that stuff. And like, I went in there and I'm like, I'm balling my eyes out. And like, he's barely conscious. And I'm like, squeezing his hand and he's like, you got to let me go. She's Jesus. That's what I went through. Hard core. Talk about demons.

Do that. Let him take me. He was a rock. I said, I love you. And he's like, I love you. I love you. I love you. How many times are you going to say I love you while he's a skeleton and like shitting himself and he passed like two days later? All right, get out of here.

He mocked me. He's like, all ready. He's like, how much are you going to say? Come on, just get me my fucking applesauce. Go get that cute nurse. Yeah. Holy shit. Go get that cute nurse. Where's Debbie at?

Oh, man, that is something. Where'd you go to school? I went to University of Maryland underground and then I went to NYU for a master's in social work, but then I became a comedian. So I didn't practice social work, which is better because it was too depressing for me. I couldn't handle it.

I don't know how people do it. Social work. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't do it. So depressing. Yeah. Just like inheriting other people's problem and not being really being able to fix them. You're just watching it.

Right. And I take on like I'm you guys are probably very similar, your comics. I mean, I take on people's energy. Like I can, I get sad around people who are sad. I mean, I'm trying to work on it, but it's hard for me to just be around that and hear these horrible stories and just not, right, not be able to fix that.

To really help. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I used to get sad when I was a kid when we'd go to McDonald's during the day and then I would do like one or two old guys. And I wanted to go again at night and they said no. They're like, you just missed breakfast? No, but they'd be like one or two old guys

just sitting there by themselves smoking. Used to fucking bum me out. Well, that's because you're sensitive. Most performers are like that. We're very sensitive people. But it was also, I felt like in a selfish way because I just wanted to enjoy my burger. It's like, I don't see the look of this fucking old guy.

Mom, let's take this to the fucking car. Get my big breakfast and hit the bricks. Yeah. That's what I feel when I go to like, when I'm around amputees, I'm like, God damn it. Can't you just get your legs back so I can have a better day? You know what I mean? You're walking through a casino.

You're just like... Oh, that is... Casinos are tough. I think casinos are as bad. It's like medical centers. It's really, it's really true. People are, they're hooked in by a card with like a fucking thing hanging.

They're smoking, they have, they're riddled with cancer, riddled. Yeah. Every part of them. If you look close enough, you can see it. It's like a hospice. Come on, come on, give me sevens. And they're like rubbing and they're rubbing

and then like they're coughing and lighting up cigarettes. It's so upsetting. It really is. I was, I think I might have said this before. I was in AC doing shows and afterwards I was like, I'll go play the tables and I'm sitting at a table and this fucking mutant, this guy literally just collapses next to me, faints, falls backwards.

And nobody batted an eye. No, because they're betting. Nobody moved. I know. And I go, well, this guy, they're like, yeah, they'll come around. They see him on the cameras. They'll come get him.

They just came and scooped him up. Nothing ever happened. Isn't that unbelievable? The price of life and the Tropicana at 2 a.m. is pretty low. I've made videos there. We'll all be at a slot machine. Like, you know, it's like someone. First of all, your videos are insane.

Thank you. For doing some of the stuff you do. I know. I'm like, I was just watching when you were at a restaurant shoving Naskin's in your mouth or something. I'm like, how does she have the balls to do this? That was with Jim Brewer at the table and those were his kids laughing.

Isn't that funny? We were at a wedding. You and Brewer at a wedding. You were at a wedding? Oh my God, I love him. We were at a wedding together. Yeah, but I sometimes I have these hidden camera videos where I'll sit at a slot machine and be like,

how am I going to pay the rent? I just start yelling all this stuff. People get so freaked out. Oh yeah. Those are sad and so people getting lottery tickets, man. Oh, that's bad with a little pencil. Guys breaking like $100, like Chris 20. Let me get 398, straight box, 494, the number, yeah.

You're standing in front of Gatorade. Like, this isn't the action. Oh. This ain't Vegas, buddy. This ain't the strip. There's like a smoke shot. Move over, I want to get my honey roasted cashew. Yeah, there's a.

Get the fuck out of here. That's exactly what the place is, my me, in Long Island where I live. These people are in there all day just sitting at these tables, you know, filling out with the little pencil. A little piece of the paper that's been in their pocket for like four weeks.

Oh, it's so upsetting. They hold onto it and scratch it off. I like the places where they have the TV and there's some kind of game going on there. Kino, isn't that Kino? Oh, that's bad. I think that's worse. Kino's worse.

Those guys get laid. Like what? I doubt it. By horses. I'm going to go over to the 7-Eleven and play a little Kino. I'll be back in a little bit. What's your birthday?

What's your birthday again? Give me a number, one to 10. Come in, hitting everybody in the store. One to 10, not one to 30, one to 10. And also too, those daily numbers, like the $3, like the three digit numbers and stuff. If you hit those, because I used to work at Ackman, they used to sell the lottery tickets.

Yeah. And they would come, people would come in and spend, you know, 50 bucks a day trying to hit a number for two years. And then they finally hit one. And it's like, it's like 800 bucks. It's not like, they're not winning 10 grand or something. Yeah, but if you're betting 50 a week,

yeah, that's not a lot. A day sometimes, because they're daily numbers and they're just hemorrhaging money. And they're like, well, I won two weeks ago. It's the action, baby. Everyone lies about the money too. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you asked me when I was gambling for a while,

if you said how much you lose, oh, thank God. What'd you gamble on? Wait, you weren't gambling? I'm a, I gamble a lot. Blackjack, I could sit for 24 hours and play Blackjack. I love craps, I love slots. Yeah, I was a big poker player. Yeah, I like poker too.

What was the most you ever won? Oh my God, I mean, on a slot machine, five grand, six grand, yeah, on a cruise, I won a shitload. I won twice. Were you working the cruise or did you go on the cruise? Yes, I've also gone and lost my pay within a day or two.

It's fucking amazing. Work it also too, if you lose on a casino gig early and you still gotta sit on the cruise for the casino for the next three days, it fucking sucks. You lost your whole pay for the week and you'd be like, hey, I should do a joke about my balls. And I'm like, I have no money. I'm being harassed by a fuck, it's.

That's awesome. Oh man. Yeah, I haven't gambled in a long time, but I'm playing Mohegan Sun. So am I. At the end of the month, when are you doing it? I'm going up with Verzi, November 4th, the 15th. I love Verzi so much.

I'm there the week before and I'm like, oh boy, I'm just not doing it. I haven't done it in years. You stopped cold turkey. I just got, I stopped, I had kids and I thought, what am I doing? Like you can't, once you have kids, you can bet thousands. I mean, it's crazy.

What was the most, how much you think total you've lost? At one time, it's not a lot compared to a lot of people, but maybe three grand. But that was a setting. That's more than he made last year, me. I'm telling you, that was, but I'm crazy, okay? So I'm an addict and I love the whole, the craziness of the gambling.

But even if I'm up, I will gamble it away just so I feel like shit. I know that might sound crazy to some people. But I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel worth it to leave with stacks of money. So I would keep putting it back. I know, isn't that sad? I'm kind of the same way, it's tough.

Cause I go, I know the sorrow of losing it. And I go, I've left the casino with no, like completely broke. And I'm go, I've lived, like I woke up the next day. So I'll figure it out. So it's like, I'm okay with it. And party it revels in it a little bit. Right. And then I'm like, I'm up. So if I lose it, I'll be even.

It's crazy. It's totally crazy. Damaged goods right there. I know, I'm damaged. I've been doing a lot of work on it, but that is, it's not okay. It's crazy. Have you ever been to an OTB?

No. Okay. You're a little classier. She came from Jersey, okay? Kimi thought he had a friend there. Yeah, I've been there too. Yeah, I never, yeah. It's crazy.

Yeah, neither. He's like, have you ever been to- What the fuck goes- Yeah. I was like, funny. I was like, no. Hey, what's up guys? Let's take a quick second to talk

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Now back to the show. What's up, were you a good student? What'd you get in your SATs? I think I got like 12 something, but that was the second time, the first time I got like 1,000. I was not a good, I had tons of tutoring. I got a 620.

For both? He took it three times as a combined score. Now, what'd you get in 890? 870, I still got into a pretty good college. That's good, yeah, no, I- Frunked out two years later. It's okay, listen, we all make mistakes. But you have your masters.

No, I didn't get my masters, I almost got it, but I did stand up. Like I just fell in love with stand-ups, I was like, fuck this, I hate school. I probably had six months left, it was, I would have never used it though, especially actually now I would, because there's COVID.

So I need, I'm gonna have to work in a fucking deli. I don't know what's gonna happen. I know. Yeah, no, I- I'm sure you could forge that transcript. You're right. No one's going, but you know, yeah. If it's, no one's ever checked my transcripts ever,

you just like, hey, I graduated, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Nah, people get caught, they get busted. Nah, you're fine. Yeah? I don't know, let's hope I don't have to do that. I went to the University of Notre Dame then. Graduates, come on my class. To my weed one weekend.

Where did you go? I went to Weidner University. I know Weidner. You do? I think I performed there. Isn't it in Pennsylvania? Yeah. I think I performed there.

Yes. Yeah, there were years where I did tons of colleges. Yeah, it was all right, it was a good school. Yeah. Good time. So didn't you quit to like follow the Stone Temple Pilots or something like that? You did something outrageous.

No, I didn't go to, like in the beginning of the cross season, you go to lacrosse camp. It's like, you know, like a pre-season intensive. And that's where you like, they set up the offense and the defense for the year and all that shit. I didn't do that. And I went to Seattle with my buddy because we were gonna move to Seattle in the summer.

So we went out there for spring break to scope it out. Do you know why I played lacrosse in high school? Yeah. And I, honestly, that was the hardest sport I've ever done. That in golf. But that was, I thought lacrosse was so hard. Golf? Wait, how does golf get in there?

I've tried golf and it just seems so hard. Oh, like the skill, oh yeah, it's brutal. Brutal. Yeah. Absolutely brutal. Lacrosse is an amazing sport. Yeah, it was fun. All right, finally, somebody has a little respect

for the kidney. This is the third week lacrosse has come up for him. He's reveling in it. Got his Letterman jacket on. Just gonna go to the big game tonight. Can I get an orange Gatorade in here? Some purple Skittles. Yeah.

All right, let's get into a little, are you garbage? All right. Let's do it. We got the SATs. We know the background a little bit. Yes. Yes.

All right, let's, a little bit now. So you live in Long Island now? Long Long Island, right? Yes. Long Long Island. Is it a single family home you live in? Or is it an apartment, a condo? What are we looking at?

I have a home. You have a single family home. I just brought it right before COVID. Really? Yes. Okay. Does that home have a garage? Yes.

Does that garage have a refrigerator in it? No. Ooh. Really? Wow. Growing up, Jersey, the birds, two house. Most Jews have two fridges. Two fridges, exactly.

Cause we're afraid we're gonna be taken away again. So we take a lot of food. Buy and bolt Costco. Yeah. So why don't you have one now? Are you gonna get one? Do you think we're just not functioning? Well, we just bought the house.

I mean, like right before COVID. Really? So, and we have a big fridge. Okay. Yeah. Love a big fridge. What brand is it? You got a Viking or something?

Not a Viking. Sub-Z? Frigidaire? No. I think it's, is a general electric, I don't know, it's a huge fridge with a big freezer with different drawers. Is the freezer at the bottom?

And you open it like this and they're side to me. Wait, you open it like this, but you have to freeze it at the bottom? I just got excited. That might be executive. That might be the best fridge anybody's had on the show. That's fucking nice. That's a little.

Opens up like a Rubik's cube. Fucking love it. That's what my parents got. It's like origami. Yeah. That's nice. And the one side has that little flap on it to keep everything extra cool.

So you open it like that. Yes, it has flaps. Yeah. That's clean living right there. Okay. I like it. But growing up, you did have two fridges. Yes.

And in those refrigerators in the garage was usually what? Frozen dinners that had been made. Okay. Meats, breads, cookies, everything. Everything's. Sodas, stuff like that. You keep everything in a Jewish,

you don't throw anything out. I swear, it's crazy. My bat mitzvah cake is still in there. Really? No, I. Mazel. I binged on that fucker when I was 17. Wait, is that a thing to save a little piece of your?

Yes. Oh, it is? Yeah. I knew it was a wedding thing. Yeah. Oh, thank you so much. That was like an hour ago. A little bit of cream, please.

An average amount, do you want me to? No. I'll make you another one. No, don't worry about it. It's fine. I'll drink it. That's it, you're fired. You're fucking insane.

Mikey, nervous. Nelly coming in here. Oh my God. I got some star power. Kirsten's making them shake. I like how you put the screws to them. I like a little amount. I put it normally.

I know, cause I thought he was, oh, that's a lot of cream. Oh. Do you cream this right now? What, are you jizzing this? Do you want me to make you another one? I'll drink that. Yeah, if you want this, you're so sweet.

Yeah, a little bit of cream is good, just cause I don't. We're gonna pour it on your cross later, Mikey. I don't want to shit all over again. Dude, I've never seen you like this. He's blustered. What the? No, I love him.

I feel him. He's great. He's the best. Everyone here is great. When he was walking in behind me, I said, Jessica, Jessica Kirsten's gonna be like, Oh my God, I love her. Oh.

Yes, you did. It was like, I total bet Miller was coming in. He has a cute, you have a cute mustache. You're very cute. That was awesome. Where the fuck is the coffee? Zach Braff wouldn't stand for this. I gotta call my fucking brother in here.

Straighten you out. Can you imagine if I called him? I'm doing a pie. I'm doing a pie. They didn't even give me 20 grand. Do you believe that, Zach? Did you get the 20 Gs for the thing last night? Not 20, but no, we split a nice amount.

That's great. Yeah. There we go. Yeah. I have a question. What is the length of the inner circle of people in your life that you would eat off their plates? And before you answer that, we didn't ask it.

Do you think you're garbage? Do you think you're garbage? That's such a good question. I mean, that is probably so many meanings, right? Not that I'm not trashy. I think I've acted like I'm garbage, but I don't think I am garbage. I think you come from pretty good stock.

Pretty good stock. You mentioned a country club, a golfing, lacrosse, a little bit of a cage. I've done things that are garbage. Sure, sure. Everybody rebels a little bit, you know? Yeah. Okay, so back to my original question.

Yeah, explain it again. Who's plate, what's the limit of people's plate that you would eat off of? Like wife, kids. Oh. Neighbors. No, not neighbors. Yes.

Yeah, she's not an animal. Also, like, what's yours? I wanna know your answer. It's probably fucking most of New York. Otters. I wouldn't eat from anyone's plate that isn't in my immediate family. Okay, that's the correct answer.

Yeah. That means so that means wife, kids. I would eat off my siblings' plates or my parents' or- Okay. But not my wife's siblings or my wife's parents. Okay, not your in-laws. I don't know. No, no, I stop it.

You wouldn't eat off mine. No. Okay. No. There's certain things in my wife's that I won't even share. Really? Yeah, it's just-

Drinks are a little rough. Depends what it is. Salad is weird to me. Well, because the stuff comes back down after you take the swig. Salads. Yeah, I can't fight. There's like a piece of an olive

in my fucking diet sprite. I don't really need that right now. I'm like, right, I'm about to go over the edge. Like a blue cheese in the corner of your mouth. Ooh. I did that to my dad one time by accident at a family party. It was Christmas Eve, I was all smoked up,

and I walked in like just this spread of like shrimp and fucking crab cakes and brownies. And I was- I served all courses at the same time. Who has brownies and shrimp? Some of them do, some do that. Had a shanty Irish Christmas. Just dump it in a trough and let you animals have at it.

I've never been to any event where there's been brownies and shrimp out at the same time. Shrimp brownies. That's insane. I was eating both of them. Cause I had them all. And I had this big frosty mug of beer

and I was taking big sips off of that and eating it and I put it down and I turned around for a second and my dad had picked it up and was starting to drink it. And I was like, dude, I was eating all kinds. Right, tastes like he drank from a fish tank. By the way, another question. Have you ever owned a fish tank? Like a proper-

When I was a kid, not proper. Okay, just like a bowl. Fish died every week. What was the pet situation growing up as a whole? Oh God. Well, we had two outdoor cats. Mine was named baby. That's so original.

And my sister's was named Gypsy. And then we had a dog named Biff. I mean, what a horrible name. My dad named- That's a tough name, yeah. Baby's the trashiest one at all of them. No, it gets worse. And then I had a cat Lulu and a cat kitty.

This is so embarrassing. And then my ex and I named our dog puppy. I mean, what? You have to know I've been on drugs in my life that I've named all these animals. Big on the nouns. Yeah. Yeah, Contrag was the next one, I'm joking.

And then my wife, I came into this animal, into the relationship was Bailey and he was awesome. But that's my pet, yeah. As the pets passed away when you were a kid, where would the bodies be disposed of? At the vet. Okay. I got a couple of dogs in my backyard.

No, we don't do that. Put a little grave, a little cross. It was real bad, real, real shit. 21 gun salute, fly over for example. I was thinking about it today. My parents did okay, but they came, they were both really poor. My parents were okay.

And nobody teaches you that you gotta act like, generational money, like, refines you. My parents were just animals with money. They didn't know what to do. It does refine you. So they have all these like, generally, you know, like if your dad had money, you're gonna be a little bit better,

but my parents were just savages. They put it all in blooming onions. Yeah, like alpax steakhouse. Those are the best with that sauce. Never been to an alpac, you believe that? Oh God, you gotta go, go now. Never been to an alpac, or a Benihana. Oh my God, you have to go to an alpac.

Okay, you like it? Do you ever been to Ruby Tuesdays? Yeah, I've been Ruby. I love Ruby Tuesdays. That's a class, yeah. With a salad bar, you get like seven meals. That's garbage. Yeah, that's trash.

That's me. I love a good salad bar. Yeah, me too. That's gone, right? There'll be no more salad bars in the future. I don't know, there's a couple hot bars still floating around in some bogeys. I haven't seen a lot of salad bars.

There's people on 23rd Street eating, they out to eat on the street at alpac steakhouse, which boggles my mind. Of all like, you've been cooped up for so long, and you can finally go to a restaurant and you choose to eat on 23rd Street, alpac. The alpac is very fancy for some people. I know, that's tough though.

I'd rather. Why don't you wanna go for the kids' anniversary, alpac? That's where all my mom's birthdays are, it's all their garbage people. Really, that's for the kids that's having her birthdays at alpac? This is, to put it this way, they celebrated things where we, the kids,

didn't get invited, they went to alpac. It was an Applebee's level for the kids. When they were out spending a couple of bucks, they hit Applebee's. They wanted those signature cocktails. Yeah, yeah. Flamin' margaritas. They would go to the one and it was in the parking lot

next to a business complex. Right across from parks. It's so depressing, this country is so fucking depressing. And they think, yeah, we got a nice, we went to, that's like, they'll still do it. Yeah. So trashy. Do they bring leftovers home?

My mom's a big leftover gal, but she's also trash, so. I think taking leftovers is a trash move. I don't, it depends where you go. If you're, I feel like if you spend money, you should absolutely take stuff home. I'm not a, I don't disagree. I just think it's, you think it's not classy. Taking home scraps is not a classy.

It's not scraps, it's the rest of your meal, we've been over this. Especially if it's a good meal. Yeah, I'm not fucking leaving. I finish it. You don't have, well, who are we fooling here? You haven't had fucking leftovers in years. Although we did see one of the Barstool guys

this week wrapped up, like if he was out to dinner with a bunch of people and took other people's leftovers home in the same container. Is he retard? I mean, are you kidding me? Is that trashy? What, were you out to dinner with him? No, they were, they were, this has been very,

the leftovers has been a very divisive thing on our show and other people have got a lot. I think that's insane. Yeah. If you have a ton of money and you're taking other people's leftovers. Not like stealing them, but just they didn't want it. No, I still think that's crazy.

That's pushing it. She's a little, she's classy, classy broad over here. Very classy so far. I got one. Is any of the Tupperware at your house currently stained red? Yes. Is any of the Tupperware at your house currently

old to go containers? Like a thing of promise or something maybe. That's not me, that's my wife and yes, probably. Okay. Wait, hold on. That's not me. I would never keep that. That's two separate questions.

Something that you bought from like a promise container. Or anything. Are you currently using anything that's not a Tupperware as Tupperware? No. Okay. Like mine's big. My mom's big on like an old sock.

A thing of margarine. You open it up and it's like gravy or something. A web. I love that. No, I don't. Yeah. You don't reuse the plastic things that should just be trashed.

See, I love that going to my mom's refrigerator and open up like a thing of Brexton's cottage cheese with pineapple. That's how they like it. And there'd be like two or three meatballs in there. Dude, that's disgusting. That's good. That's night.

That is so, I totally know what you're doing. That's trash. Pop that right in the microwave, sprinkle a little locketella on there. Woo! Baby! Yeah, no, I don't do that. Clean living.

Though I tell you the one time I woke up and I made it was like ready to buy, I was like hungover and I'm like, I'm going to butter this bagel and I opened it up and it was like dripping. I don't know what it was, but it was this price. It was like throwing up all over the counter. He's got a real thing with Ambrosia.

Was Ambrosia a thing in your house? Not mine, but I married into that because of the Italian. Yeah, yeah, I love it. I remember somebody served it to me at a graduation party one time. I was like, yo, Tuts, hit the bricks with whatever the fuck this is.

It is like, it's like gay porridge. They serve it with the meal. That's still a weird thing. It's gay porridge. I don't even know what it is. It looks like mayonnaise with marshmallows. I know, no, it's not. It's sour cream.

It's sour cream, coconut, pineapple, walnuts. Maraschino cherries. The people put cherries in it. Cherry juice. People put all kinds of shit in it. It sounds like someone had to make a dessert and didn't chop and they were like, let's just put whatever we have in the fridge.

It's got marshmallows. Do you like it? What? I love it. That and some deviled eggs. I know, me too. I love coconut too. Wait, you don't like deviled eggs?

Oh no, no. Jessica? I love deviled eggs. I don't understand them, to be honest. That and hard boiled eggs, I can't wrap my head around. I love hard boiled eggs. What? What are you talking about?

I gotta tell you, growing up, if my mom didn't like it, she was single mom, she didn't make it in the house. So if she didn't like it, I didn't get introduced until I was like 22. Well, all the food- No way, Jose. If it ain't scrambled, I ain't touching it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I grew up with some rotten food because my mom was busy helping everybody. So I, you know, I would go for like sour cream and it would be like goat cheese. Yeah, it was a lot. Goat cheese to a kid. That might as well be acid.

I know. Get the fuck out of here. But that's very classy. They even had goat cheese in your house as a kid. I don't think my parents even are aware of what goat cheese is to this day. I'm pretty sure my mom's never had Indian food too. I was talking about that before.

She's just, it's like potatoes and alpac, that's it. Yeah, you guys are, it's like totally American. Yeah, yeah, it's American. Like, real just, yeah, it's bad. Ah, I'd love to see my mom sitting down there with a nice smear of Indian cuisine. Well, I try to read the menu. My mom would be like, do you have a,

like where's the blooming onions, you know? I'll have a gin and tonic. Yeah, yeah, absolutely tonic. What's this tikka masala shit? You got a breaded cutlet. Can you make that into a sandwich? Can I get the chicken with no sauce, just the chicken? Yeah.

I saw somebody do this the other day that I wanted to ask you, Kippy would get your input as well. In the grocery store, okay. How do you feel about leaving the cart and going out and doing a little thing on your own and having the cart kind of, Stay in line?

It's in somebody's way. Oh. And it's out of your sight. I do it, I do it. And I've also grabbed other people's carts about 400 times. And I'll walk away and be like, did I order like Afro-sheen?

I pick out Afro-sheen and like coconut oil. What is happening? Who am I? I've done that so many times. Taking somebody else's. I'm so out of it, like trying to look for stuff. And then I'll just walk away and someone's like, excuse me, excuse me, that's my cart.

My baby's in there, miss. Miss, that's my child. I love. No, it's a handicap. That's my scooter. I love looking at other people's carts at the grocery store. So do I.

See what they got, see what they got going on. Yeah. I always think I'm better than everybody at the grocery store too. I always feel like I'm better. Now there's people who are better sometimes than me. Oh, most of them are when fucking,

They don't. I'm like, you get a life. That was something about waiting tables too. I agree. I would like, especially when I worked at, I worked at a bear burger for a little while, all right. And I would listen to the way people would get their burger. And if I thought that was sounding pretty tasty,

I would then order that later. Oh, that's cute. So put that on. Heart disease, but sure. No, that's cute. Morbidly obese. I get it. This is a big one that, since we're talking about food,

if you get takeout or delivery, right? When you're at your house with takeout or delivery, do you plate it on your own plate or do you eat out of the- I plate it. Oh, that's class. That's the right move. Yeah.

When I was, well, my 20s and 30s, I didn't, but now I, I plate it. So if you guys are home, and you guys have kids, right? How many do you have? I have 46 children. No, I have one with my ex who doesn't live with me, but lives right near me, a 14 year old.

And then I have a five year old, they're all girls. I have a five year old, you're not gonna believe this, and twin 18 month olds. I think I didn't know that actually. So you got a full house. I have full house. So when you guys are all sitting down to have dinner, if it's takeout, you're taking it out

and you're serving it on the plates. Yeah. That's the way to do it, that's class. But we will use paper plates, like we're not- That's fine. That's what happens when you have kids, you're like, I don't wanna fucking do dishes, I don't wanna do anything,

but I also find that I eat less if I take it out and like portion it, because if I eat it from a container, it's- Oh, I love it right out of the Chinese container, it's the best. The next day when I'm secretly binging, I love, because in front of them, I'm like, yeah, I'll put some up, but the next day I just stand there with the-

Cold Chinese food is one of my favorite things ever. That's great, yes. Because somebody asked on Twitter, is it okay to eat cold leftovers? Yes. And the way I look at it is, if the food was that good, you can eat it cold. I love cold spaghetti.

So do I. I love cold food too. Not everyone likes that, but I do love that. Not a big cold guy. Yeah. In fact, I don't like heating it up sometimes. I like it better cold. Yeah.

Like a meatball cold, so good. That's gonna drag you down in the garbage. Just a tiny bit though. That's gonna be tough. She's pretty bulletproof. Anything that I do is trash. I've agreed with some stuff, so there's some trash there. Well, the TV be on while you guys have dinner.

That's hard now, because I don't watch TV now, because everything is, I can't handle what's on TV. But yes, I've always watched TV while I eat. Okay. And you mentioned the paper plates. Is it proper paper? Is it like the more cardboard ones, or is it the styrofoam?

No, they're proper paper plates. Nice. I mean, if people come over, I use regular plates. You're not an animal. She's, I mean, if I came over to your place in Long Island, I would expect the fucking. Wait, you mean paper plates, like when I get like a dollar slice on, like those kind of paper plates?

Yeah. Okay. All right, not a cut now. Because I don't want to do the dishes every night. I mean, I, you know. But are they the really thin ones, where you got to use like two or three of them so it doesn't leak?

Or are they like that, the hardy ones? The cut now, cut now makes the sturdy ones. They're pretty hardy. You don't have to use two. I know exactly what you're talking about. They're not. You buy them like 5,000 stacks, and you just got to like grab a handful of them

to eat a piece of pizza. Half the stack. If your food has any moisture in it, you can't put it on the plate. I know. Yeah. You'll waste so much stuff like that. Like when I have a stack of napkins like that,

I'm just like, pfft. Me too. Give a fuck. I know, I do the same thing. Dude, if I have more than one roll of paper towel in my house, I'll just wrap myself in it. Okay. I'm like, I'm rich, it's fine.

I do grab like 50 napkins at once. That's savage. Oh my God. All right, we got to get you out of here in a little bit here. I want to wrap it up with a few of our standards. Hold on, yeah, I got to cut, yeah. Okay.

Got one. Has anyone in your family ever appeared on the Antiques Roadshow? No. Okay. Have you ever taken the grease from your face and put it in your drink to make the foam go away? I have done that when I was drinking beer.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, if she's doing it now, that's a problem. But if she was in college or whatever, it's okay. Are you doing it now? Take some of the cream out of this coffee. No, I haven't done it in years, but when I was drinking in college,

I just wanted the beer, I wanted the beer in me. Yeah. Have you ever used the chili cheese machine at 7-Eleven? Yes, when I've been drunk or high, but that's not a normal thing that I would do, yeah. Has anyone in your family ever owned a Ronco Showtime rotisserie cooker? And how do you feel in general

about the rotisserie chicken itself? I love rotisserie chicken, but no, no one has owned that. No one has owned that, but I love rotisserie chicken. I've always wanted one of those fucking Showtime rotisserie set, I didn't forget it, baby. He's talking about, what's his name? Mike Pompeo, whatever, Ronco? Ronco?

Yeah, Ronpopeal. Yeah, Ronpopeal with the Showtime rotisserie cooker. You think he was banging that lady that did the show? She was an idiot. He had fucking... She couldn't believe anything. She's like, what? Anything else?

What? Oh my God! Yeah, cook's chicken, lady, fucking relax. Yeah, if you act now, you get something else, ladies. What? If you act now. Oh my God! Have you ever made, this came from Facebook,

have you ever made, which I was a big fan of, have you ever made nachos in the microwave? Yes! Fuck yeah! Are you kidding? I mean, I'm an eater! Anything with food, I've done. As a little kid, that was your...

That's not garbage, that's being a food addict. I thought I was in Cancun when I was doin' it as a little kid. I was like, putting a couple of toastitos on a paper plate, shredded cheese. There's nothing better, I have to say, it's probably one of my favorite things in the world. And a cold can of Coke. Good night.

I like when it burns my throat. Love it. Homemade nacho salsa sour cream. Ah, the best. Hogan's Heroes, goodbye. That's a fucking nightmare. That's, that's, it's like stuck to the paper plate or whatever.

One big nacho. You don't do those, you don't do those in a fancy way. You do, you should be shocked. And you should be doin' that in front of other people. No! That's when no one's home, or it's like two in the morning or somethin', you don't show other people that.

That's when mom's seeing a client. That's when that is. All right, let's do someone to do some of the normal ones. I do, I would like to know, growing up, will you serve the milk with dinner? Never, I'm Jewish, we don't do that. I mean, I'm not saying that's right or wrong, I like actually, but no, we didn't.

You don't mix milk with meat, a lot of people, we're not, we didn't grow up kosher, but like it's very uncommon for Jewish people to drink milk with their meal. Cause they're a little more refined. Yeah. What about the butter when you were growing up, where was that in the fridge or on the counter?

That's a good question, it was in the fridge, but now I'm around it on the counter. Really? Yeah. I'm turnin' the corner myself, I thought it was the most insane thing to keep butter out. No. But everybody says it's great.

In fact, I just cooked my kid a grilled cheese yesterday, and it had been sitting out for a while, and it was amazing. Just, yep. Spreads right on there. We found out unsalted you can, you have to keep, that's like cooking butter. Unsalted you have to keep in,

but the salted butter you can keep out because it preserves it. I know that. I'm personally offended by unsalted butter. Me too. And I've been conned by my mother a couple of times where that was, I went in with a fucking English Muffy to fucking hook it up with some butter, and it was unsalted.

I know, but then I pour salt on it. Yeah. The best is break stones, so I just love break stones. They had the blue packets. Oh yeah, they didn't get the big boy. They didn't get the whole container. Oh man. They know what they're doing.

She's got some garbage tendencies. I know. That's what I said, I had the garbage side to me. Yeah, she's too, she's, yeah. But I don't think this. It's too refined. I don't think those charges are gonna stick, yeah. No.

I got one. Have you ever used Bounty Wrinkle Release? No. That's trash. Ever used the ATM just to check your balance? No. No. No?

Isn't it weird that that's the first thing they asked you? Do you want to check your balance? No. I want fucking cash. It's crazy, yes. Stop asking me questions. Do you get cash back when you make a purchase? Yeah, that's my next question.

That's a very good question. You guys have really good questions. I have, but I don't normally do that. No, I mean, I've maybe done it a handful of times. What was the most amount that you took out? A hundred. A hundred? She's got a little bit of cash.

She's friends with an hero. By the way, tell them I said, what up? That's ballsy though. Going to the checkout at the grocery store, let me get a hundred. Well, I mean, I don't even think a lot of places let you do that, but I have done that. I mean, I've gotten 20s or yeah.

I used to be a cashier and people would do it regularly. But at some places, like at 7-Eleven's, you can only get 10 bucks or something. It's like, yeah, that's like crackhead stuff. Yeah, that's depressing. Do you ever go to an ATM when they let you take five bucks out? No. 10s, I'm fucking furious.

Cause like, where were you in my 20s? And now it's like, I don't want to be walking around with 10s. That looks real shady. It does. $600 in 10s on that. Cops ask questions. You know what I mean? I'm not dumb.

Since it's the Halloween season, and I think this is something that character is judged upon, what is your favorite candy bar? Oh, that's a good question too. And there is a right answer. So I have to come up with one. Top three. Top three candy bars.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. That's number one? 100%. That's classic. I'm the best. Twix. Okay. Lady after my own heart.

Love Twix. I love score bars. I love Toffee's covered in chocolate. What's a score? Do you know what I'm talking about? He knows. Do you like them? Dude, you, me, and my dad,

I think are the only three people that are keeping him spot. That is an old school dad. Yes. Those are Rolos. I love Kit Kats. Kit Kats. I love Rolos.

I'm gonna keep naming them. I remember my brother used to get Rolos. I'd be like, what are you, a hundred Rolos? What the fuck eats Rolos as a kid? Thin foil? Like what the fuck was this? What's the one with peanuts and raisins? That's trash.

Hunky. Yeah. Oh, dude, I don't know. Why don't you call me? Junkies, all right. That's a real low quality chocolate. But when you get to the raisin with the chocolate, it's nice.

I don't even think I've seen one of those. A score bar is like a Heath Bar. It's toffee on the inside. It's made by the Hershey Company. Hit the bricks. It's pitched to a higher income demographic than a Heath Bar. Basically, it was supposed to be classy.

It's one of my dad's favorites. I mean, I love Snickers. I love all of them. Charleston shoes. I like every... Charleston shoes is pretty garbage. There's a frozen Charleston shoe. Have you ever had that?

No. Put one of the vanilla frozen, frozen candy. Chocolate. I can't even fucking talk, but just eat it. Trust me. I got it, yeah. So good.

I started putting... I haven't started. Let's try it. Let's back up. This summer, we put sour patch kits. I was trying to hide sour patch kits from my niece and nephew and I put them in the freezer. Amazing.

And I fucking got into them. Oh, man. I get... Like two weeks vacation. They're unreal. I've done the same thing. They're amazing. Oh.

That's a popular thing, actually. I know a lot of people who have that. I know it's something I should not have discovered in my mid-40s at 400 pounds. I can tell you that much. You're not 400. He's not not 400 pounds, Jess. No, he's not 400 pounds.

I'm 400 pounds. No, you're not. I'm creeping. He's for sure. He admits, openly admits, 350, so. Really? Which with the fat guy, whatever he openly admits,

you add 75 pounds. And they're a bad weekend. He could be four bills. And never ask a fat guy when's the last time he ate because it'll always be a lie. That's my joke. I used to be fat and I had some good fat and I had lost weight and he's been itching for it.

Itching to steal it. Trying to get my hands on the material. They're like four years. He's like, let me use that bill. Let me use that. I use it on the road. He can get you heckled at parks. Yeah, use it on the road.

I'll use it on the road. Somebody yells on the back, hey, that's a kippy son of a bitch. Just run off stage, jigs up. All right. All right. You got one more? All right, I got one.

Catch up after it's open. Does it go in the refrigerator or the cabinet? Fridge. Class. Now the last question I have goes along the same thing about the sharing of the food, but this is a little bit different. Now you might be out with like another couple

or it could be a business dinner or some extended family or just friends. In that situation, do you, Jessica Kersen, share a dessert? Will you share a dessert? With friends? Sure. Yes.

Yes? Yeah, I'm big. I got big into like, if they, you know, if there's four of you and you go, oh, give us, and there's like three desserts or whatever. Oh, give us one of each and y'all just kind of slices. I would do a business thing too, like that. Yeah.

So that doesn't gross you out? No, just because you like, you just take a piece and then that's it. And it could be tactical where you go a little bit. You don't have to mouth kiss the person. But guess what? If it were ice cream or like sorbet, I wouldn't do it. Yes, yes.

Ice cream's tough. Share a milkshake. It has to be like, it has to be a long dessert. Yeah. Like a churro. You're both eating one end. That's big ice teaspoons. Yeah.

Well, that's pretty classy right there. That's all I got. Yeah. My official verdict is you're all class. Oh, class guys. There you go. Get it going, baby. Are most people that?

No, most people are pure animals. Garbage. Animals. Comics, yeah. Like mind blowing. We get answers where I'm like. Really? Some people who are like, I haven't brushed.

One thing is like, hey, do you brush your teeth in the shower? Do you, by the way? No. Because you're fucking classy. That's why. We asked one kid, he goes, I haven't brushed my teeth in like six months.

Do you rinse off in the shower? Rinse off. Yeah, that's a term. You ran this by me. I don't know what you mean. What does that mean? I don't know. One time you said to me, I'll just rinse off in the shower.

So I call that, I'm going to take a body shower. Yeah. Meaning I don't wash my hair. Yeah, that's it. I just clean my body. Just freshen up a bit. You make a similar, you just jump in there and get wet and jump out.

I don't know what. First of all, I literally, I don't know what you're talking about. You're the one that said it to me. It was a few months ago. It stuck in my brain. You said I took a shower and rinsed off. Maybe.

And I thought it was like a shorter version of a shower. Well, what are you rinsing off? I would think like what was on you. I got to go in a full tilt. Yeah, I go in, I might not shampoo. Right. Because I got to keep the seedlings going pretty well, but I'll do a bye.

I always do the body, you know what I mean? Me too, but I don't, yeah. You don't wash your hair every day. It might just be a quickie too. Right. You know, hit the parts that matter, you know? Right, yeah. Around the bases and keep it moving.

You go. Around the bases. Yeah. I find I got, when I go in, I got to do everything because I have like a half a day shelf life. Just I smell like a pirate ship. Well, that's, that's a lot of booty. Have you smelled a lot of pirate?

Actually 400 years old. I've been around the Caribbean once or twice. No, I think it's important to what, you know, and some people, yeah, it also like, I feel like vegetarians and people that eat really well don't have to shower as much. Yeah. Don't you?

Yeah, that's what it is. It's like, I don't know. I think bigger people wear the days worse on them a little bit. But also what you eat. Oh, for sure. Like I don't eat healthy. The Rolos are coming out of me right now.

Right, right. They're seeping out of the board. Yeah, the canishes are coming out of the house. I missed onions from McDonald's coming through my pores. Just max off. Those are so good. Oh, we've talked about it.

All right, all right, one more and then we gotta get you out of it. What's your favorite fast food restaurant? I think Burger King. Ooh. Okay. I love Wendy's too. Yeah, Wendy's is great.

Love Wendy's. Classic. There's something classic about Wendy's. Yeah. No, Wendy's is awesome. It is. Wendy's is fantastic. How do you feel about Chick-fil-A?

I won't eat there because they hate games. That's right. I know that sounds stupid. No, fight your fight. I get it, of course. I know it's like, I just have these weird principles sometimes and I just, I don't know.

Yeah, no. Because you know why? Because probably the people that made those rules are getting head in a fucking hole in the wall. Like it just makes me crazy. How about Popeyes? Love Popeyes. Yeah, Popeyes loves everybody.

Long John Silver's? Love. I love all of them. But that's... He's a big LJS guy. Yeah, that's a rough one. I eat that. You got to do that under the dark of the night.

Where do you find the Long John Silver's? I found them on the road. On the road a lot, yeah. Like doing all these weird places on the road, they pop up. Long John Silver's back at the hotel. What about Arby's? Dirty, but I've never been in an Arby's

and been like, oh, you guys take, this is a tight ship. Everything. Yeah, I won't do White Castle. There's a layer of grease in every hour. I will not do White Castle. There's a couple in New York and you go in, it's like, yeah, it's tough.

They don't even care. You should be like, there's only two of you. You don't have to keep, you know, it's not like just 5,000 fucking White Castles around that you got to stay on top of. There's one right down the street from me on Long Island and it's packed. Yeah.

The drive-through is packed every night. It just makes me feel fat till I'm ordering like 47 hamburgers. It's so fat. It's like, I don't, just give me two big ones. I'm gonna call them. I don't want to take a mattress full of hamburgers. I'll take the 30 rock.

Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. Jessica, thank you so much for coming in and sitting with us. Thank you. This was so much fun. I'm glad we finally made it work. I don't mean to.

100% class. You're adorable. You guys are an adorable, I love it. I love the whole thing. Is there anything out there you'd like the folks to know what you think got coming up? The road, the this, the that? Depends when this is coming out.

This will be out on Thursday. Awesome. So I'll be at Mohegan Sun. Yeah. The last weekend of the month. I'll be in Jersey on Friday night and I'll be in, in Flemington, New Jersey Friday night and I'll be in at Soul Jolls in Pennsylvania Saturday night.

Oh, nice. Yeah. And it's all listed on my social media. All right. Check her out. She's, you're hilarious. Thank you so much. First of all, she kills harder than anybody in the city.

If you have not seen Jessica on stage, do yourself a fucking favor. Thank you. And the videos you post online are so fucking funny too. Thank you. Kip, what do you got for them? Just as always, ACAMRank comedy on all social media. Make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes,

YouTube and gas digital. Check it out. Thank you. Yes, sir. I'm at Hfolia and Ice on Twitter, FoliGrams on Instagram. We will see you guys next week. Peace.

Peace.