Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Jim Gaffigan Returns!
Episode Date: November 24, 2025Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian Jim Gaffigan! You know Jim Gaffigan from Stand Up Comedy, This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von, We Might Be Drunk, TigerBelly, the Joe Rogan Experience, Monday Morn...ing Podcast w/ Bill Burr, Club Random w/ Bill Maher, the HoneyDew Podcast, Whiskey Ginger and much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Pretty Litter: Right now try your first bag for just $14.99 and get a free cat toy at https://PrettyLitter.com/garbage Aura Frames: Exclusive $45-off Carver Mat at https://on.auraframes.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code GARBAGE True Classic: Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/GARBAGE Ethos: Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at Ethos dot com slash AYG. That’s E-T-H-O-S dot com slash AYG. https://www.ethos.com/AYG Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly.
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We're going to put him through the ringer.
Legendary stand-up comedian.
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He's got a brand new set out right now, live from Old Forrester, the bourbon set.
It's all about bourbon on YouTube.
Give it up for Mr. Jim Gaffigan.
Thank you.
Look at you.
The legend.
It feels like at least three people were clapping.
But thanks for having me back, you guys.
You're always, you know, I have memories, ingrained memories of the questions.
And I will say that, like, I am now such a leave the butter out guy.
Really?
Like, when people put it in the fridge, I get annoyed because baby doesn't want to have to
close the down hard baby likes it soft baby likes his butter soft so it gets right to the melting uh-huh
anyway that's an as a kid was the was your peanut butter in the fridge or was it out do you remember
i think it was i think it was out it was not in the fridge yeah my mom had it in the fridge that's just
crazy crazy talk and i would assume that when you were a kid your mom had the butter on the counter
she didn't it was in the i don't even remember i don't i think it was in the fridge because i think
there was a lot of flies you're
I mean okay so there was just
you know there was cigarette
smoke and flies
that like we don't have to deal with
now but
I but selfishly I like
the butter out of course it's like
salted right you're a salted
it's got to be salted to keep out
come on yeah right I mean that would be a logical
thing that you know well you know what I mean
that's very that's a very in thing for
you know people that do well they have the nice butter
dish out on the counter there's there's certain
things that I felt like, well, you know, like, there's different, like, there's a certain
belief that this is going to sound success. I think, like, you need food in the house
to keep a guy happy. Sure. I know that sounds kind of like, well, why don't you get your
own food? Because, you know, it's like, I'm just saying, like, all a guy needs is respect and
food. That's all he needs. Amen. Anyway. Jeannie runs the show. Your wife runs the show down there.
Yeah, no, I mean, believe me, I'm totally a pussy, but.
I talk a big game.
The equation is very simple.
It's like three.
You need three.
I'm too.
I totally get it.
But I mean, she handles everything.
She handles everything.
Sharp.
You know, and it's, but you know what?
I mean, we're comedians.
In a way, us even being in a relationship is wrong.
Dude.
You are lying, brother.
I, my wife asked, I went and just got food for myself the other day.
And my wife, I came home and she goes, what are you doing?
I go, I got a sandwich.
She's like, it's dinner time.
I go, yeah, that's why I got a sandwich.
You didn't even run it by me?
No.
No, there's just this constant negotiation, but we're not from this planet.
I concur.
And, you know, it's like a narcissism or whatever.
Whatever you want to call it.
It's a bad mess.
You knew we were dicks.
Narcissism aliens?
Yeah, no kidding.
Well, I got with my wife before the show took off.
So I'm like, you, it could have been significant.
Moregantly worse if I never got successful.
Like you give, I feel like we had the butter on the counter.
Yes.
You're lucky we got sandwich money.
You could have the unsulted stuff.
You got to keep in the freezer.
Men are dumb.
We're dumb.
Yes.
We're really kind of dumb creatures.
And I think like the weird thing is like when I'm on the rub, my wife's like, what do you do all day?
I'm like, I'm like, I'm by myself.
And it is heaven.
Uh-huh.
It's like I'm, I really, you know, I have too many kids.
But I have a lot of moments where I'm like, like, when you.
hear about someone trapped on an island by themselves i'm like that sounds amazing
that sounds as you get to the cocaine i don't really i just want to be alone i was thinking
about you yesterday i i had a kid five months ago i moved you're in a one-bedroom apartment we just
we just moved in the same building to a two-bedroom right and there's still not enough space
and i literally went i went out of hell the gaffig and do this with 15 kids that was always the
crazy thing about you when you when the kid when you had all the kids were born but you were in like a two-bedroom
apartment yes and you were doing very well well some of it is as you know like that step up from a
one bedroom to a bedroom to two bedrooms is pretty significant and then if you have five kids like
and then if you're and then if you're touring like how do you navigate this and my wife was
constantly pregnant so like she she's limited and what can yeah she's in nesting mode she doesn't
want to like move move while you're while you're in Toledo you're like babe badly you know put the
stuff in boxes so but yeah I don't know and then of course like you know our great grandparents
were living in a shoe box so yeah we're spoiled babies yeah no of course I wanted to ask you so
you're bringing up the household and stuff like that just out of curiosity I know your wife you know
she does probably the order and all that kind of stuff and gets everything on it's well you
pop in they say it's a Sunday well you yourself run to the market run through a whole foods
grab a couple of things.
Yeah.
Do you enjoy that or dig it?
I mean, I, you know, some of it is there is these food delivery services.
Sure.
And so you're like.
Sounds like a guy who just heard about it.
There's these food delivery service.
No, but some of it is like, I also think.
It is like you're playing.
There's somebody delivering food.
Watch with this seamless.
But there is, there is, you're paying a surcharge for someone to deliver an unripe
avocado. Oh, man, they don't look at all. And or, you know, like you have a certain type of ham you want
and they don't give a shit. I mean, well, also, they're like struggling to get by. They're probably
an air traffic controller. You know what I mean? And so. All freaked out. That's why I will go.
But like, some of it is also my, my wife is very precise. She's also very conscious of not wanting to
waste food. So, you know, it's like, well,
we're going out of town so I'm not gonna we're gonna only eat leftovers and I'm like you know
these we have like you know at home now I have two teenage boys I'm like they're eating
it'll go like when you're a teenager you're like dinner than a meal then something before I go
to bed it's like there's always things to be consumed so I'm airing on more having too much
food surplus and she's much more practical anyway but food is important since you brought it up
Yeah.
What is the ham that Jim Gaffigan likes?
I like it.
Your boy said?
I like, well, I'm less concerned about the brand.
Okay.
I don't like.
That means he's a Whole Foods man.
I don't like, no, I don't like honey.
Really?
I don't like, I don't like maple.
An aristocrat.
I don't like, I feel like maple is kind of like, first of all, maple syrup is sugar
spit.
Let's be serious.
You like the real stuff, though, right?
I mean, it's all right, but like, and I love performing.
Canada and Vermont and when you get there they give you a jug of syrup that you're going to use
for the rest of your life and it's like and I understand some people love a maple bacon or
I you know I don't I don't like sweet switched in with my save I I'm right there with you
so regular ham up to middle regular ham I don't like the sweet shit I'm so angry about this
I like thin I'm like shit of course you gentlemen
you know it's like I don't like you know
take the piece
he slices it yes
I like it I like it very thin sliced
it can be pre-packaged I'm not you know
I mean I'd love it if it was from a deli
but like you know from the deli counter
it just sliced it right in front of me but
I uh
you're talking to stuff that comes in like the Tupperware
pre-package that's a tough look Jim
The Hillshire Farms I'm with you though I dig it
I like that it's got a little slime on it but I'm cool it
It's got you know yeah it's from 19
But, like, it's fine.
It's in a Tupperware container.
You've got to save those.
Of course.
And then inside, there's a little plastic bag in there.
But the thing with the ham in those containers, you can look in the fridge and go, oh, we got ham.
And then you open it up.
It's only one piece.
They fold it in there.
It's like origami.
I mean, these are the struggles that we encounter.
Man, if there's anybody built for the show, it's a guy with an opinion on Tupperware ham.
Is there anything at the house that is just a lot?
just dads like did like you know i'm just example like double stuffed orioes or something like
like hey don't touch your dad's root beard that was always a big thing with us well i'm kind of
talking about in my stand-up how that's the thing how kids my clothes are supposedly open season now
really they just take my clothes even though i've said no but uh boys are wearing your size yes
big yeah wow and then um but i would say you know i have uh i've gotten into bourbon
And they, because I have, my five kids are 13 to 21.
Wow.
And so, you know, you're young, you've got a young kid.
It's like, there is a point.
And we remember this as teenagers where you're like, all right, I'm going to just, I'm not going to take the whole bottle.
I'm going to take some of it.
A little dad will do you.
I love bourbon.
And so I will strategically place certain bottles.
So like, I have a 19 year old son.
And if he's hanging out with his buddies, I'm like, don't drink this.
this stuff, you can have this stuff.
And he's like, I never would.
I don't even tell me.
But of course he does, do you know what I mean?
So there's, you strategically place things kind of like,
if something's gonna be taken, you can take the cheap stuff.
Yeah, you can take this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean.
But yeah, so like my bourbon, they don't touch my bourbon,
but they probably do.
But they might.
It tastes like ice tea.
Children are criminal, of course, that you're living with
criminals like I think that we are unaware of how much we tortured our parents until we have
teenagers yeah yeah I think about it now even it's been so and I'm like oh my god what I've done
to like as I'm having a kid I have a kid I'm looking at I love you so much is this crazy I'd be
like the fact that I was ever my like looking at my parents like I hate you I'm like yes is
crazy and I is crazy that he's going to go at some point go I hate you I you know what I've debated
there is this narrative which he will hate me
This narrative of like, I would never say, F you to my father.
And like, because my dad was so scary.
But like dealing with my teenagers, I'm like, of course I probably did.
Yeah.
Do you know I mean?
I know there's this romantic notion of like, I never swore in front of my mama.
You know what I mean?
I never looked my daddy in the eyes.
But the reality is teenagers are a handful.
And I'm saying even the best ones at times are a problem.
I don't know.
I get a feeling Jim's going through with these days.
He's got a five between 13 and 21.
Yeah.
Athletically, where are you guys at comparatively?
Do you think you could still take the 21-year-old if push game to the shop?
You're a big guy.
My 21-year-old is taller than me.
What?
Yeah, he's 6-2, probably I'm 6 and a half an inch.
my 15 year my
my daughter's you know i think i could take
my she's four
my 14 year old
is getting close to
are you kidding me yeah it's just
and then
and i literally because you know
the you know he passes out so i have to
pick him up and kind of walk him to the bed
and it's like it's like the same
it's like you're carrying your your brother out
yeah it's it's it's
Literally, I might as well be in the military, like, hey, I got to get my fellow soldier to bed.
Someone get caffeine to bed.
And, you know, the thing is, is these kids are always growing.
So, like, when they crash in your bed, you climb into bed.
And again, we forget this.
It's like, they're just growing.
So it's literally a pool of sweat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, it's like, he didn't pee or anything.
He just sweated for no reason because he's in the middle of the growth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, anyway.
parenting's great
All right
So we're going to put you back
Through the ringer a little bit
Yes
Hmm
One of the one of the common
You know one of the more common questions
We've been asking guests
Since you've been here
Is growing up
Who is the most famous person you have met
As a kid
As a child
Before and maybe or a teenager
I wonder if I answered this
But like
Jimmy Walker
Whoa
I met Jimmy Walker
From good times
That's a great one
I had a dynomite hat and, you know, we kind of looked similar.
So people probably thought, is that Jimmy Gabbigan or Jimmy Walker?
I stood in line.
No, it was kind of a bucket hat.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
And what he would wear on good times.
And I stood in line and I met him.
And I think there's a photograph of it too somewhere.
I was a goofy looking.
I mean, I'm a goofy-looking adult.
You know what I mean?
So, but I remember I had Jimmy Walker hat, and then I would wear, see, I'm older than you guys.
I had Mork and Mindy.
I used to wear the suspenders.
No way.
Of Mork.
And I wasn't gay.
I got five kids.
That was before Rainbow was gay.
It was just more kind of like clown.
Yeah, Wacking.
Didn't he have like a white finger on it to point it that way?
He had some kind of button on it or something.
Yeah.
I think there was.
it's so that was such a moment
but he was the funniest guy
yeah morgan Mindy was just an amazing show
yeah unbelievable
yeah he did have a pin yeah
the age of the typical
garbage listener
yeah all over the spec so I'm 49
yeah he's 39
yeah and then 20s 30s
everybody but mid
20s to mid 4 to 40s
Like into the 40s, yeah, yeah.
And when you do live events, like when you, can you sit there and go, oh, this guy's coming to our show?
Oh, yeah.
If you're like at the restaurant two blocks away and like someone kind of looks at you, you're like, that guy's for sure.
Yeah, yeah.
He's going to be in the front row.
I was, I went to, I did shows in indie and, and I was invited to the Colts game.
because I'd done stuff with the cults and and so I went with and it reminded me the last time I went to a Colts game because the Colts, Indianapolis, it's similar to actually growing up in Northwest Indiana and I don't know if Notre Dame games are like this, but like the entire stadium is white people and all the players are black.
So like I remember when I went to a Colts game.
with my manager and my agent and my agent was like,
this stadium is exactly Jim Gaff against Democrat.
It was all kind of 30, 40, 50 white guys married,
maybe, you know, maybe a grandmother
and a grandfather mixed in there.
I don't know what brought that up, but it was just like,
it's, you know, it's like, I'm right,
that's all right who I, that's who I am.
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speaking to that you're at a game do you have a you know you got your jim gaffigan you got guys do you have a ticket guy that you go to
do you go through the agents and manner or do you have like i uh someone at like somebody are you going on
and buying tickets to if you want to go to a nick game tonight nick games i've you know because and you guys
have probably done some MSG
venues, right? Now.
Once you do an MSG
venue, like the beacon
or Radio City, then you
kind of, you can
go to a Nick game or a Ranger
game. They want it for promotion. They want it
for promotion. So if you're at
a Rangers game or a
Nick game, they can put you on
the jumbo-tron and say, like,
I'm going to be at the beacon, so
they're more open to it.
So it's kind of a cross-promotion.
And they also own the Chicago Theater.
Now I'm like for MSG entertainment.
But so there is that arrangement there.
They also do a Garden of Laughter event.
So there is some, but yeah, no, it's amazing.
Let's say you're out in L.A.
You want to go to a Lakers game.
Who are you going?
Are you going on a buying ticket yourself?
I would reach out to my manager and see if he knows someone.
Let that facilitate.
You work your magic.
Because my manager, his company, I think.
think you know they're owned by another company that owns a sports management thing yeah let's say
nine out of ten times that's going your way right yeah yeah but i you know you're not in the nosebleeds
i'm not in the nosebleeds but i think that uh one easter weekend i brought uh my daughter and all
her friends to a Mets game and i bought the tickets yeah okay and so it's like i have paid but i'm also like
I didn't like it.
I'm also lazy.
Sure.
I mean, and some of it is even, you know, my 14-year-old loves the Knicks so much.
And like when they lost to the Pacers, and I'm from Indiana, when they locked to the papers,
he was like depressed for a good week.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, my gosh, he's got the, he's got the sports fan addiction, right?
And, but when I would go, you know, you could, you could, you could.
go, you could sit there and get two tickets, because also they, they, they kind of get some
promotion out of it. I don't know. It's an amazing deal. It's an amazing thing. I like being
famous. Yeah, yeah, that's great. But you guys got that. Not really. We can go, no, we'll,
we'll ask, we got, we got good representation. Go to a Coney Island Cyclone game. Three
hearts. Well, you know, I mean, you got this thing. I mean, maybe an Eagles game, right?
Yeah, that, yeah. We got, we got connections through, hey, yeah, from Philadelphia.
So we got that.
But like,
his cousin sells peanuts down.
So does my grandma.
We'll ask for like, hey, can you get me tickets to this?
And I think it goes like, they go, hey, we got Jim Gaffigan asking and A-Y-G.
We lose the competition a lot.
You know, I tried to get into a playoffs thing, a playoffs game with my son.
And they're like, no.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Really?
But then there's the other side.
Like, I'm from outside Chicago.
And I was invited to a Cubs game, a Cubs World Series game, and I could not, first of all, I lived in New York, but I was like, I can't take those tickets from someone who has been this loyal Cubs fan for the last.
I mean, so I do have some principles where it was like, I can't, I can't do that, particularly this is the, you know, they're like, we could, we'd be, because I think I'd thrown out a first pitch, and I was like, I can't take a ticket from.
Oh, that's awesome.
You know, I'm a great guy.
Steady hired a helicopter and just circled or hovered the whole time.
Throwing hundreds down at people.
I wanted to ask you, I assume now the refrigerator is in the wall at the house, right?
It looks like a cabinet.
Yes, yes, it is.
It is.
But back in the day, was there cereal on top of the refrigerator?
Were there boxes of cereal over on top of the refrigerator?
Yes.
And there was also, it's so interesting.
It's so sad how.
cereal is now considered this great poison.
And it was kind of this, it was a balance, part of a balanced breakfast as far as I was
and it was, it was also a form of independence, right?
Like my kids are old enough.
There was very much like, hey, let's put out a box of cereal and you can even put out
a box of milk if you're going to bed at like 2 a.m.
And a kid can come out and kind of do it.
And now as a parent, you're not supposed to do that because cereal.
is garbage.
Nothing person.
What?
Are you still partake, though?
Cereal?
It's been a while.
Really?
It's been a while.
It's been a while.
I mean, I did that movie unfrosted.
Oh, yeah.
So, but, you know, there's certain give and take.
Like, you know, it's not like my favorite poison.
You know, like I'd rather, again, I'm more of a savory guy.
I'd rather eat a huge block of cheddar cheese than have.
a bowl of cereal i didn't know what he was going to say i wasn't thinking block it's huge black
cock no what i literally did that this weekend what the cheese the cheese is that what is that what
is that's my boy cheese he was a tender lover i'll have you know uh while we're on food a little
bit uh how do you like getting your steak cooked you go out uh i'm medium rare but i i'm much more
of a medium guy okay and my dad
would burn my dad i might i don't know if i talked about this last time my dad was the you know his
parents like he was born in like 36 or something like that so like he was uh very there were very
sensitive so like when my mom died my dad retired he ate steak every day the rest of his life
really and it was because it was this luxury item right and i think it was far more accessible
Like, I didn't realize this, but, like, people used to eat liver because there wasn't enough steak to go around.
And so, but, like, he would, he would, he was a big grill guy, not good at it.
And he would go out there and smoke cigarettes, so there would be ashes on your steak sometimes.
And also, they would always be overcooked.
I grill, I'm not good at it, so he's kind of passed that tradition on.
But I would say that I prefer medium rare, but I'm also at the point where I can only have, like, I was invited the night before I filmed a special to go to a steakhouse.
And I was like, I can't do it.
Takes it out of you.
I can't.
It's like, you get a hangover from it.
Baby can't recover.
Baby likes his meat from a steak.
And so, but yeah, no, I like, what are you guys?
Medium rare, of course.
I'm a medium man.
Medium.
I go medium.
Medium rare.
Where is, is, that's the acceptable thing, right?
Yeah, anything like, but rare is like then you're, you know.
That's too much for me.
Yeah.
That's like, that's what real men do, right?
Yeah, well, we do.
That's what Bill the Butcher, ain't it.
Yeah.
You do the, you go to, you do the porterhouse.
It's been told to us, you go, there's four people.
You do the porterhouse before, medium rare.
Parts of that will be medium.
Okay.
The outside of that, you know, will be a little more done.
where I live they live in a middle split the size I love a steakhouse what do you like in
New York do you have a one of your favorite haunts I um you know I never really get to go out to
dinner when I'm home you know but I do love Smith and Molinskies I love and I had I had uh you know
the the whole ritual the experience you know like the the waiters how they're kind of gruff
the career waiters I love show you the chunk of me though you can get this
this we also make a potato
it's so scripted and recited
you know there's also a lobster
and you're like
as a fat guy what I appreciate
about a corporate steakhouse
and about certain hotels
yeah the chairs are bigger
it's comfortable yeah it's cozy
it's not one of like the lower east side
small restaurants
they're bumping into table what is your guys
I'm interested we're a Gallagher's family
Gallagher's yeah I love Smith and Lewinsky's
it's great is there I like Lugers I was
I was in Atlantic City, and I went to old homestead.
Is old homestead still?
Yeah, it's on like 14th Street or whatever.
I feel like that might be one of the oldest ones.
I've never been.
I think Keynes is the old.
Which we've never been.
Yeah.
And you've gone out to Brooklyn to the.
Lugers.
I've never done Lugers.
I'm a Lugers, man.
It's interesting.
I think what I remember, I've been there twice.
I think Lugers, they kind of, they cook their steaks a different way.
Like, it's a little bit more well done.
Very butter based.
Yeah.
But I love Ruth Chris.
I love, it's being a butter.
You know, I love the sizzling plate.
Of course.
Give me a little razzle, dazzle.
We're in show business.
You know what I mean?
Of course.
What's the one in Indy?
St.
Elma?
St.
St.
Yeah.
Shrim cocktail.
Shrim cocktail.
Home run.
Love the, but you know, I feel like I, you know, that's my big thing is when I go out of town
and I do a show.
I want to go to a steakhouse afterwards.
steakhouse or a whiskey bar now i i like going to a whiskey bar and so that i love the whole
the whiskey culture thing it's i feel like you guys are young you're going to get there if you're not
there it is it's a nice thing to nerd out on it's it's it's less expensive than an affair
it's uh you can nerd out a little bit and uh you can you know you have like two of them and
you're done yeah the thing is you have a bunch of beers you feel too full
did it last night right i'm your i'm your whiskey mentor sure that i the problem with me is like
the stopping it too i haven't fully developed that yet uh so it's like i drink them like their beer
two yeah i do two manhattens nothing's better two's two's not enough and three's too many is where
yeah i totally get it i totally get it but there is there comes a point where like the beer
kind of like you've swallowed a loaf of bread for me that's how i i think
like Guinness, but like, that's how
Guinness has always been. And then it just switched
to like, that was the thing.
And then, no, but the whiskey
path, it's, I strongly
recommend it. I encourage alcoholism. I believe.
So we stay light
with the beer, garage beer.
A beer that tastes like beer.
Garage beer. And is garage beer
good? Yeah. Awesome. It is just like
it's like a middle of the world. It's like
a bit. They call it beer-flavored beer.
It's like their bit. But it's like,
it's just like the, you want one?
no is it is it is it kind of like a bud light or is it close does it have a little more
character more character than a bud light but it's still like a light beer i love a you know and
i say that because you know i know because i'm pandering to you pa i tell you get to be jim
go birds go burns punches you in the face oh bugs um something that we've been this uh discussing
that's been going back around is
I know now your time is very strict
and valuable and stuff like that
but was there a time when you'd be flying out
to do shows for the weekend
would you go to the airport in the morning
and have breakfast at the airport before you flew out
and how do you feel about that?
That's pretty interesting.
First of all, it's so sad
how the airport is just they just
you know sometimes you're in an airport
and you'll see a restaurant that you like
And it breaks my heart.
I'm like, oh, you've ruined it.
Yeah.
And it's like, I know it's hard to execute it.
And I know that like generally the people that work at the airport are like maybe a half a day from suicide.
I can appreciate it.
Imagine going through security every time you got to go to work.
Brutal.
It's just a brutal existence.
But like I will consistently make the mistake.
Yeah.
of having breakfast because I also when I go out of town if I if I'm flying somewhere even if I'm
taking Amtrak I'll do it in the morning because I don't want to I don't want to risk the
possibility of that anxiety of get out of it was delayed two hours or it's like I like to get in
go to the hotel set down and then I can kind of like breathe for a second sure but the question
and the breakfast, you know, safe, you could do a bagel.
The worst bagel I've ever had was in O'Hare.
Just so bad.
Like, you know, like, and I'm not a bagel snob.
I don't know bagels, but I'm just like, this is, like, I felt like I should report it to someone.
But like, like, there's just something about the airport, like the drinks, like a cold drink, a non-cold drink.
Like at the airport, they're like, you know what, we're going to make it.
lukewarm you know what i mean it's it's just and if you're aware of like but you know i would
say in austin i think you can get a decent there's some airports with a good restaurant in it
yeah decent but like generally even if you think of like a good chain steak place it's not
going to be the same experience a hundred percent you're talking to two you're talking to you're talking
to three very big fans of the palm at jfk yeah that's what we do we
We get there early.
You do.
Is it that good?
No.
No, we're just garbage.
We just like hanging out.
We like going in.
We like a nice breakfast out.
They were trash in us for it.
All right.
So let me talk about.
So if you're going to the palm,
do you get the steak and eggs then?
Some people do.
I have.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a heavy breakfast.
It's a hamburger.
Maybe I,
maybe I'm being unfair.
No, you're not.
No, you're right there's just like.
It's just like,
how hard is it?
Like when you get a delivery
from
one of these food ordering
these food orders
like here
let me
back in my day
let me let me come clean about this
all right I love the ball
I don't like
first of all I don't like room service
because I think that like
it sits around
and then you know
it's not even that you have to pay
25% for someone to take an elevator
it's it's
what do you care
but but
But, like, it's just, it's not, I want it from the kitchen in front of me.
Okay.
And so, like, I also don't like to get, I don't like to use those delivery services,
but occasionally you have to, right?
I order, so I live downtown.
I ordered from Blue Ribbon Chicken, which is good.
Love it.
Pricy, right?
Yeah.
Never been.
And ordered at 505, it's delivered to my place at 640.
Okay.
That's, you know, so it's not the.
It's not the Uber Eats guy or the whatever, the DoorDash guy's fault, you know.
And, of course, it's built in.
You got to tip 25%.
My God.
And so then.
You are Andy, Rudy.
And so then you sit there.
And so then you get the food.
The order's always messed up.
Sure.
Always messed up.
And so here's the thing.
So now I got to call Uber.
I've got all these teenagers, right?
So everyone gets their stuff.
And then I'm like, and then I order for the.
second meal, right? You know, and I got like some, you know, a chicken breast for like $80 each.
And I go and I go, so there's, so they're not, it's not in there. So then I call
blue ribbon chicken. You call blue ribbon. Do you say I'm Jim Gaffigan? He goes, please
holds for Jim Gaffigan. And I said, I go, I go, hey. They know it's you. No, they don't.
And I go, hey, we ordered in our order, there was supposed to be three.
chicken breasts fried chicken and they didn't come now I know the person on the other end is
earning 850 an hour and was like I don't give a shit yeah I mean but like I was like what are
we doing she goes oh well you order that from DoorDash you got to call DoorDash that's probably
got to set you up a wall and so then I'm like I'm like it's not again it's nothing it's not
going to be solved it's not about the money it's just like
like the print i mean so i've done it with like a shake shack go i've gone there and they
staple the bag so you can't even check i want to see that's not an accident and some of it is
yeah again god bless these people that are making 650 10 50 an hour but like it's not hard
do i sound like a prick that's so funny it's so i get it it's like what you know everyone makes
mistakes but like every single time every single time well it's these apps have added this volume
of work for them that's like imagine being in the weeds when you had to go wait in line to get to
order the burgers it's like now it's like there's instead of one person ordering at the counter
there's 15 orders coming in every 10 seconds and they're like guy you're lucky you're lucky you got
half of your order and then and then you know like it's like you know some McDonald's it's just
drive through. Like they might as well not even have a seating thing.
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Now back to the show.
You still banging on Mickey D's?
Yeah, I'll go double quarter pound of a cheese when I treat myself.
No kid.
You know what I mean?
And the fries, they're legendary.
They're the best.
I don't know what they've done over the last couple of months.
but they've really gotten the McDonald's by me they've really gotten their shit together really
the fries are unbelievable let's talk let's talk it's some important talk sure please let's talk about
fast food okay and uh i'm gonna maybe i might i might alienate people i've been on this planet
trying to destroy my body for a long time okay well doc by eating fast food right and we all know that
fast food they should just get rid of the ass it's it's fat food right and so
I know that my pecking order is shake shack is the best then it goes then then when we go to
the big chain to qualify that yeah as fast by the Danny Meyer restaurant by the way breakfast
have you had the shake shack breakfast sandwich what the heck is even that it's a sausage
egg sandwich it's it's insane anyway do yourself a favor get that so let me so like let's go
down our pecking order. Let's do it. Okay, shake shack. Oh, that looks good. Then you go,
then for me, it's Wendy's. But if it's a regional thing, if I'm kind of like in St. Louis
or, you know, like if I'm in Milwaukee or Michigan, I'll get Culvers. That'll go above.
Okay. Then it goes Wendy's. Okay. Then McDonald's safety. But like also, you know that like
there's a lot of chemicals that they make in a plant in New Jersey that they spray on.
other thing every couple years this is you know this is I make this mistake some of it I don't want to
identify there's a comedian I'm friends with who who opens for me sometimes and um he refuses to
eat at McDonald's because I think he did a corporate and McDonald's screw him screwed him over and so
when we're together and we're going to the airport and I'll be like I'll get you lunch or dinner
or something like that he goes I can't eat McDonald's you can get it and I'm like I'm not going
to get McDonald's and not get you. Yeah, that's crazy. So, but here's what happens. That's,
that's, that's, they shouldn't put you in that position. So what, what happens is the most
inconsistent fast food place is Burger King. It's just a hundred percent. And so we were in a
college market. I don't know where it was, but like, meaning high volume. You know, these are
college students eating this poison, right? And I was like, all right, it's worth the gamble.
this food
was not edible
and I'm not being a snob
like I've
I love how you're like I'm not being a snob
about my chicken tenders from
fucking Burger King
like the Burger King
shake check is fast food I know
I went there for Thanksgiving last year
no but like even the Burger King
commercials I'm like what is going on
if they've lost it like the wheels are off
they're off but we have a theory here
Okay, we have a belief that America is at its best and culture is at its best when Burger King and Pepsi are in fashion.
When they're clicking.
When Burger King's in full stride, everything's right in the world.
Remember the burger buddies?
Remember the burger buddies?
You remember burger buddies.
Well, you know, so some of that is you know that, so Coke and Pepsi have this rivalry.
And so like what happened is Coke would make it so.
you can't every fast food place would have to have cook and so what Pepsi encountered is like
we have to buy a fast food chain so that we can put Pepsi in there okay Fc right so that's why
they bought KFC and Taco Bell and and I respected you know that's yeah that's one of the
greatest moves in the right that's that's that's a brain to think like that's but whoever is
running Burger King right now it's not the King is they need a rebrand
stat i think it's i think it's probably it makes you realize oh this is hard of course you go into
a burrow king and you're like oh this is hard to be you know to have a franchise to like like i don't
know the new products some of them are like we have like what do they have like sticks that are
fingers or whatever chicken fries chicken fries chicken fries don't cast anything i mean are they good
sticks that are fingers is that's his generation they love it listen i don't love it when they
listen when they hit they were great the
breading on them was like something you would not get at a shake shack not at a they were like
this limited time thing and they were great and then they pivoted to a full time and it just fell
McDonald's knows that you you mic rib it and then you go yeah no you're 100% I want to say this
here's the sad thing about Burger King yeah the breakfast is the is one of the best they're
queson bacon chicken cheese on a croissant it's pretty good eggs are fluffy the cheese is good
I'm telling you the the hash browns are awesome yeah I just
genuinely think i'm a pretty incompetent person if burger king ever reached out to me i could turn
their business around i so i could do it i swear to god i think it's i think it's really hard because
uh the consistency that macdonald's has achieved is it's hard to pull that off dude they're doing
that thing where like to become a supplier for them you have to like to become a catch-up supplier for them
or to like whatever,
you have to go through like 50 blind taste test
and pass.
And like each batch has to pass.
If it's off a little bit,
they go, you're not there yet.
Come back in three years.
Well, you bring up a very important topic,
which is catch up.
I love this because this is the show.
Let me tell you something.
It's just Heinz.
All right.
It is just Heinz.
It's like, there are certain things
that are a monopoly that should be a monopoly.
For sure.
for sure it's like look we don't have more than one army we just have one army
because it makes sense
Heinz is the ketchup uh I I you know you can mix it up with mustard
go ahead hunts I might my my my brother married a woman that eats hunts
you guys still talk to them no of course not no but like it is there's certain
thing high it has to be Heinz ketchup
It's like when you go out to dinner and a restaurant's like, we make our own ketchup, I'm like, don't.
Yeah.
Don't make your own ketchup.
Well, why don't you make an employee run to the corner and get me some hinds ketchup?
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, it's crazy.
It's crazy.
I don't even like, I, you know.
We put cardamone in it.
What the hell?
You're putting sweaters in it?
Get out of here.
I also think that, I think it's weird that ketchup, when you're at home, the ketchup's cold.
It should be room temperature.
It should be.
Do you know what I mean?
These are important issues.
And you know who did that great?
It was Wendy's.
They had the pump out on the counter.
Perfect.
It was great.
It made the fries so much better.
Perfect.
Well, just out of curiosity around the subject.
You said mustard, who would be the, you give Goldens?
If you do spicy?
No, I would.
French's.
French's, yeah.
I would probably go Frenches.
Okay.
All right.
And then.
Just to round it out, we might have asked you, mayonnaise.
Manease.
Well, I'd go Helmins.
Good man.
I mean, you know, Miracle Whip, look.
you know what there's a lot of garbage watching right now and if you like miracle whip
it just means you like sugar right because that's just a very sweet i also um i love but i love
garlic and i love you know salt i'm not a huge spice guy meaning a spicy hot thing really
irish guy midwest that didn't that didn't cross what holy shit gang this risha's peanut butter
This may surprise you, but I'm not a big Vindaloo eater.
This dentine is burning my mouth.
Me and Tim Walls, don't eat spicy food.
Can I really quick just let you in on something?
I don't know if you guys have come across it at the Gaffigant household.
Helmonds, I love Miracle Whip is trash.
You know what's hot?
You know what's really good.
Okay, here.
I know what you're going to say.
Dukes.
No, that's the same thing.
Dukes is good.
Dukes is all right.
Dukes is great.
Mike's amazing.
I am telling you it is.
Unbelievable.
Really?
Jason Alexander's pushing out.
Dude, it's so good.
Really?
Like's amazing mayo?
Give it a shot.
By the way, if you don't like it, I'll take it off your hand.
I would say, you know, I'll get me something.
Dukes is, Duke's quality.
It's great.
Dukes is great.
Mike's is up there with it.
Here's the thing about the Southeast.
They, you know, a biscuit, all right?
I feel like the biscuit is really underappreciative.
I'm not talking the English cookie biscuit.
I'm talking about English muffin.
You don't like an English muffin?
I know.
Their biscuit is like they.
Oh, come on.
That's a cookie.
Yeah.
It's a cookie.
But I'm talking about like a biscuit that you would get with.
Sausage and gravy.
I remember the first time I had that.
Why is that not everywhere?
Not only is there.
I'd be in pretty bad shape if that was everywhere.
Not only do they have the biscuit.
Cornbread.
I mean, home run.
It's like cornbread and the biscuit.
I feel like it, let's go down our breads.
I think it's like, corn bread, biscuit.
I think that beats the croissant.
The croissant is too much of a mess.
I hate the croissant.
It stinks.
You might as well just rub it on yourself.
That's my bread.
That's your thing.
It's too buttery.
It doesn't hold up.
I respect what you're both saying.
I like an English muffin, but you're fancy.
You like, you know, like the, the, the, the, he's seen.
He loves the croissant from buglequin.
I do love real fancy.
Hey, Bonjour, madame.
Do you sweating right now talking about it?
So then they have, sometimes they have the chocolate croissant,
which just has like a chocolate turd in.
It's great.
What are you talking about?
Look, straighten this guy out.
What are you nuts?
It's like, you don't like the chocolate,
Cousin?
It's a word.
I like, I, well, and then sometimes they'll just stick an almond.
Yeah, so what are you doing?
What's going on?
This is an arts and craft project?
Zip it.
Get me a bagel.
It's New York City.
I'm just.
trying to think. All right, let's go down.
Real quick, the English muffin. The only problem
with that, I love English muffin. It's fine. You can only
make them at the house. They're never good anywhere
else. No. Never. It's like, by the
way, that's another thing. When
you go and you buy a bagel
and you say, I want it toasted
and they warm it, you're like,
do I got to go back there?
You want me? Straighten this. Hey, buddy. You want to come on the counter?
I didn't ask for it to be warmed.
To go back on your thing about the airport,
the worst bagel you ever had, LaGuardia,
I landed. I was rushing to get somewhere else.
I go, I got to get a car.
I just got to get it.
I grabbed a bagel.
And I went to the stand.
I go, can I get a sesame bagel with cream cheese?
And he goes, yeah, and handed me, he handed me a little tub of cream cheese.
And I went.
And he goes, oh, no, you grab the bagel yourself.
I go, can you toast it?
He goes, no.
I go, you're just selling a loose bagel and one dollop of cream cheese.
I just paid you $9.99 for that.
Yeah.
Oh, here.
I got a, this is an important bagel story.
So last week.
Only you could say that.
I love it.
I mean, there's.
First of all, we should probably talk about our bagel.
Okay.
Mine is an everything bagel.
Scooped and toasted?
I don't know if I go the scooped.
You don't go scooped?
He's not your repeat.
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
He's going to slings of a bagel are when you ask.
Some people say you're not supposed to even toast.
I don't toast.
The good ones I don't toast.
Okay.
And I can appreciate that.
But like if it's going to be toasted, it should be toasted.
When you order a bagel,
I can't even
believe this. And this is
like
it's so sad because like you don't
realize till you're gone.
I mean this is America,
right? I ordered to
toast everything bagel
with cream cheese.
I got it.
The guy spread the cream
cheese
like it was, I don't know,
mustard?
Like it was indiscernible.
Like it was indiscernible.
that there was cream cheese on it and I bit into it and I was five steps away from the store
there's nothing I could do I'm just a guy on the street I couldn't go back and appropriately
yell at him I had to eat this dry ass but like I think when you get cream cheese there should be
too much cream it's a list that's a New York way it's here nice there should be there should be I mean
it's a sin yeah it's a sin to serve a dry ass
bagel like what's going on but is that it so it so you're in everything bagel with cream
cheese you don't do everything bagel with cream cheese when i when i worked in uh when i was in
college i worked in a uh like a little kitchenette thing and where we would steal all our
food and my man and what i would do uh is i would do a toasted i haven't done this in a long
time toasted cinnamon raisin with cream cheese and bacon it's unbelievable it's unbelievable it's unbelievable
It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.
My wife got onto the cream cheese and she was like, can you get, can you have them put bacon on it?
And I was like, I feel weird asking that.
I'd never seen.
And I did it.
I mean, it's salty and sweet.
It's great.
Pretty glorious.
And it's not done enough.
I normally don't, as I said before, I don't normally mix in the sweet.
But when I take over this country, the first thing I'm going to do, all the maple syrup, it's gone.
It's gone.
We're going to dump it in the Gulf of Mexico.
What are you doing if you have pancakes?
I put butter on it.
There's sweetness in the batter.
Or a little powdered sugar.
A little powdered sugar?
A little powder of sugar because I'm from the 1800s.
No, that my dad.
A little cornstarch.
But some of it is like...
I'll give you.
I'll give you this.
I got you 100%.
Surrup is...
And I love Vermont.
And I love Canadians.
And I appreciate the fact that like...
in this episode, they're not going to love you that much.
The spit from the tree, I get it, all that, you know.
But if you're a parent, the syrup thing is a mess.
It's a mess.
It ends up on chairs.
It ends up.
It's not like tacos where it's, uh, that's all right.
Hey, there's some stuff everywhere.
Syrup is like glue.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
But I think it's also it, it just has the consistency of, uh, someone who has
the flu sure it's it's napal it's napal it does basically uh why we're on food uh pizza
hutter dominoes obviously you're not but if you had you know lean one way well you know let me also
say this why don't run food it's been in that uh let me let me be real here all right there's
there is the pizza that you enjoy and then there's the pizza functional that's functional right
and so obviously you would love to get I mean there's a Prince Street pizza I don't know if you've had it yeah pretty damn good I like Detroit pizza I love Chicago deep dish you know it's but like Domino's serves a purpose uh huh and it's like if you're eating McDonald's you should feel no shame in eating Domino's yeah do you know I mean there's nothing wrong with it I would say I prefer the thin crust at Domino's
Because I'm fancy.
The money's changed you, Mr. Gaffigan.
Paying pizza.
The thin crust is, then you can kind of use it as an appetizer.
Sure.
Right?
I like it.
That's almost an almost moose boo.
But I don't like, I don't like get, keep your sweetness.
I hate that.
Away from my pizza.
You're not a hot honey guy on the pizza?
No.
Hot honey.
No, that's even worse than maple syrup.
I knew that I was going to get him.
You flip the table.
Is Prince Street your pizza downtown?
You know, I, now I, you know.
If the Gafficans are getting pizza on a Friday night.
Yeah, we would, I would probably order from the Prince Street and, and it would be like $50.
Yeah.
One pie in New York is like, it's like $40.
But there was, now I can't even.
We got to tell you, though.
I can't remember.
We got one for you.
We got one for you.
There's a good one.
I mean, it's a spring street.
Spring Street.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Greenpoint Brooklyn.
Chrissy's pizza.
I got, I'm not going to Brooklyn.
When was the last time you were in Brooklyn?
I mean, it's unbelievable.
I love Brooklyn.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
You just, when you live in Manhattan, you don't go.
On my way here, I was literally on the phone with Kevin for like four times to go 10 blocks.
I know, yeah, yeah.
It's like, I, you know, but then again, that's where I'm lazy.
Like my wife's from Wisconsin and we normally go back for Christmas and sometimes the Packers will, you know, obviously they keep adding.
games but like there would be maybe a really important game and some people would be going up
to lambo to green bay to watch and i'm like i'm not going i'm not i'm not it's the traffic
but it's also i don't care if if jesus is going to appear there i'm not going to upper wisconsin
in january yeah not happening like it's like i call me a coward i don't why would i do that my alcoholism
hasn't reached that point.
Yeah.
When's the last time you were in Queens?
Queens.
They fly out of Queens.
Yeah, I fly out of Queens.
The Bronx?
The Bronx.
Well, you know, I grew up there.
I started out, Bob.
I don't know.
It's been a while.
But no, I drive through the Bronx.
Are you a Newark guy, Newark Airport at all?
Because you can scoot across from downtown.
Yeah, Newark is probably the easiest.
Also, Newark is easier
than LaGuardia.
These upgrades have helped a lot.
Yes.
You know, Newark used to be one of the more depressing places.
It was real bad.
I think it still is.
No, New York stinks.
It's not great.
I'm a LaGuardia man.
But you're traveling from Queens.
By the time you get to Newark, you're upset to begin with.
I get that.
By the way, I mean, I don't even think, I mean, I was complaining about the traffic.
You realize we are ending, we're entering a season where we're not going to be able to get anywhere.
Like, so when you have to fly out for a gig,
you're going to have to add an hour.
I mean, forget about the air traffic controllers and your plane might go down.
Forget about that.
I mean, there is a little bit of like, I hope it's not my, you know, my, you know,
because now the government.
Wheels are falling off.
That there's literally, I mean, I obviously don't want that to happen.
But, like, people are so selfish and lazy.
They're like, well, I guess, oh, a plane went down.
All right, now we have to make it right.
I mean, this poor air traffic controllers, it's like, it's a pretty damn important job to not pay them.
I'm right there with you.
Supposedly they were doing a breeze.
Yeah.
Mr. Jim Gaffigan, I mean, the good news is still 100% garbage.
Trash, you know, it's trash.
I mean.
Now, you have to, everyone has to go.
Watch the bourbon set.
Yes, go watch the bourbon set.
Of course.
Live from the old forester, the bourbon set.
All about bourbon.
All about bourbon.
And you may be curious, why would I do that?
Well, no one asked for it.
And as you, you know, we're all comedians.
It's all self-assignment.
Yeah.
And I'm sure you guys struggle with finding a balance between the success of this and working on your stand-up.
Yeah, of course.
And so some of it is, I would.
went to YouTube because it is such a niche thing. I didn't even bother presenting it to Hulu or Netflix
or Amazon because it was like, the reality is, it's like, hopefully it appeals to everyone,
but it is me talking about bourbon. You know what I mean? So there's some people that are like,
I don't drink, I haven't drank for 20 years. I'm not going to, you know, tempt myself.
And then there's some people that are like, you got any tequila jokes? No, it's just bourbon.
I'm a tequila, man.
Here's the thing, and I say this with all sincerity.
You know, I was lucky enough to host at Eastville
when you were good coming to do spots
and you're coming to go when you do spots.
There's not really a topic that you can't make relatable
and you're a legendary comedian.
Yeah, you know that.
I mean, do you remember when you,
I can't remember what you were working or getting ready for,
but you did about 20 minutes on horses.
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
And, dude, it was, it's the best.
Live from the old forester,
the bourbon set on YouTube, the legendary.
the incomparable the garbage the garbage mr jim gaffigan thanks so much you
thank you so much for coming in so live from the old forester the bourbon set make sure you
check it out on youtube kippy what do you got for him uh philly we're going to be at the met
in philly our biggest show to date that's huge that's huge and by the way that's a beautiful
theater beautiful super excited uh philly get your tickets it's always philly homecoming shows
are always fantastic we'll see you there jim we love you sir thank you so much gang we love you
We'll see you next week.
Peace.
