Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Jim Norton: New Jersey‘s Finest

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

Kippy and Foley are joined by the legendary Jim Norton. Jim is one of the best. Its a HOT one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Stamps.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE https://www.Manscaped.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE https://www.DADGRASS.COM/GARBAGE https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE  Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. New York City, New York. Kippy and Uncle Hank are coming home to Ruse, baby. October 27th, helium comedy club. Philly, Pennsylvania, come and see us. And then for the New York Comedy Festival, we're gonna be a Gotham Comedy Club on November 9th. These shows are gonna sell out.

Gain your tickets. Gah! Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.

This is Are You Garbage, or It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're going to be classy, or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Anthony's basement. She's upstairs. She's all swole up, all sore.

Milk crate challenge. I told her it's over. She says she can bring it back on TikTok. So we'll see. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He's the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman. I'll tell you that right now.

He's not to be trifled with in the boardroom, especially before he's had his coffee and his Danish. Give it up for Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rave with you, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are through the roof.

Through the fucking roof, baby. And then the greatest website of all time, patreon.com, slash Are You Garbage. Sign up, you get bonus episodes, live streams, the whole fucking nine yards. Check it out. Shout out to the Conti family, and the Am family, and all their subsidiaries.

We love you. You're in our prayers nightly. And I've got a quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the Magic Man. He makes us all look good. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. It's Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes?

What's up, T-Bone? Good to see you, buddy. We got together over the last week. We had lunch. Oh, great. We hung out. We had a nice time. Treated none of that shit.

Stayed clear of them. But, gang, that is neither here nor there. We got a hot one. Because we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guest here with us today. Not the usual Bums and Bozos. You see walking around here. All right.

This man is a legendary stand-up comedian, podcaster, radio personality, and actor. He has quite a few credits. We're going to go through a few of them. We're going to start off with Ed, The Colin Quinn Show, Spider-Man, Lucky Louie, 13 episodes, Grand Theft Auto 4, Zach and Mary Make-A-Porno, Cop Out, Furry Vengeance, Bored to Death, Top 5, Deadbeat, Louie, 10 episodes,

Benders, The Nick, Inside Amy Schumer, The Jim Gaffigan Show, The Comedian, Night Cap, Crashing, Power, The Irishman, Martin Scorsese. You ever heard of them? All right. I got Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Last Comic Standing. Jesus. Host of the AVN Awards, Jimmy Kimmel,

The Late Show with David Letterman, The Jay Leno Show, That Metal Show, Dave's Old Porn, Late Night with Jimmy Found, Had a 10-year run with The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Chelsea Lately, Cop Show 4 episodes, Should've Became a Series, WTF with Mark Marin, Church of What's Happening Now, Joe Rogan. He has multiple stand-up specials and albums out. To name a few, he's got Monster Reign.

You got Please Be Offended, American Degenerate, Contextually Inadequate, Mouthful of Shame. And of course, he appeared on The Opie and Anthony Show from 2001 to 2014. He is the co-host of Jim and Sam on Sirius XM and the Brains Behind, The Chip Chipperson Podcast. But the big question of what he's mind today, is he garbage?

Now, I've heard the rumors. I read the newspapers. But I got a feeling he's going to surprise us, ladies and gentlemen. Again, the legendary Mr. Jim Norton, everybody. Thank you. By the way, what you just said adds up to more dialogue that I've had in all that shit put together. I'm the king of one sentence and done.

They're like, get him out. He stinks. Hey, man. Our credit's a credit. You can still flex at cramped services, you know what I mean? They don't know what you're doing there. I was in benders. I was in the pilot, which was like Chris DeSephano and Shultz.

Shultz? Yeah. And I died of cancer in the pilot episode. I don't think I was supposed to. It said series regular. No, no, we're going to kill you off in the pilot episode. Bring the bus in. Here we go.

We've got to get Jim's clothes on. Only got to die in the first act of a sick off. Buddy, thank you so much for coming and sitting with us, man. We really appreciate it. You guys are great. Thank you. Give me the origin story of Mr. Jim Norton. Jersey kid, right?

It's not eventful. It's Bayone, born in Bayone, raised in Edison. My parents are still married. I have a sister. And I blew a lot of my friends when I was a kid. Ah, just like Norman Rockwell painted it, folks. Yeah, there's a touching photo of me and a diner with a priest with his hand on my head.

Man, you got to love it. What did your mom and dad do growing up? My dad is he was in the military. And then he was in the post office. And then he joined the Army Reserve. So he's a postal employee Army Reserve command sergeant major. Nice.

And my mom was a librarian. Really? Yeah, which is a weird. Like when she had my sister, then she kind of went out to work. Like with me, I was raised at home, which obviously it did not go well. I was raised at home. Yeah, and she's like, I don't want to make this mistake twice.

Maybe I'll leave the house. And she was a librarian. So she used to bring me home like comedy records, like Woody Allen, Robin Williams, and all that shit. And how far apart are you and your sister? I'm seven years older. You're seven years older than her. OK.

And when you say you were raised at home, you weren't like homeschooled or anything like that, right? No, no, no, no. I mean, just like, you know, it was pretty. My parents, my mom stayed home with me when I was a kid. Gotcha. It was fairly traditional. Uh-huh.

Dad worked, mom stayed home. We talking apartment, single family house, condo, townhouse. What are we talking here? Apartment in Edison. And then we moved into a house in North Brunswick, which I remember my parents paid $56,000. Damn. I don't know how I knew that, but that was the big,

there was a huge number. And the mortgage was like 700 bucks a month. And I couldn't believe that they were spending that much money. Yeah. That was definitely thrown in your face as a child. You know how much this fucking house costs me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. You shouldn't know your dad's mortgage payment.

I know. I don't know how I heard it. It's crazy. It was probably when one of them was crying. Fuck it. Screaming at each other in the kitchen. Fucking $600 a month reverse mortgage, son of a bitch. What am I doing?

Upside down on a house in New Brunswick. I knew that shit, too. And that does affect you as a kid. When you know the finances and stuff like that. Well, my dad got laid off. In like 1980, he drove for Hall's trucking. This was my post office. And there was that whole, he always blamed Jimmy Carter.

And I don't know if he was his fault. Got to love a good vengeance. That's a new, that's a new RU garbage question. Does your dad hold any presidents personally responsible for his well-being? Fucking Carter. Yeah. My dad drove a peanut truck.

I don't know what the fuck. But yeah, he was fuming at fucking Jimmy Carter. I don't know. I fucking hated Jimmy Carter. Was he a big Reagan guy? Did he like Reagan? I don't know. I don't know if he liked Reagan or if he just hated Jimmy Carter.

I don't even remember. I just I know that my dad couldn't get back to work because he had this like the guy in the union ahead of him. They didn't like so they like my dad couldn't get back to work because the guy ahead of him was not going to come back because they hate that guy. OK. So that's what I learned about like the unions

and like, you know, sure fucked. Yeah, yeah, I like it. And so you're an 80s kid, basically. Yeah. Plus my dad was smuggling drugs with the truck and company. So that's really no. Things are about to get real spicy here. I like I bought that like this was WTF.

I was like, no, no shit. Jim, tell me more. Fucking idiot. I tripped on smuggling. I deserve what it got, which was what? I was like, you lead with that. You don't lead with the Carter leave with the truck smuggling. Religious growing up.

No, I made I did my catechism and communion. It was OK like the standard shit. Sure. But no, and I don't have any real. I think I had to go to CCD for a while, but it was like a regular. I wasn't raised in Catholic school. I just I did the public school, the public school, basic religious shit you did. I like my confirmation name was Christopher.

I don't know why I just like that. That was a cool name. Yeah, that was the end of my religious training. Yeah, yeah. So your full name would be James, Joseph, Christopher, Norton. Yeah, how do you know, Joseph? I do my Wikipedia.

That's right. God damn. That's right. At the research department. I've got a couple of guys following Jim around for the last couple of weeks. I wanted to make a good impression on him. My parents went very hacky with the Bible, Joseph. Dug a little deeper than that. You fucking zekeal something.

Yeah, exactly. Pull a little spice on it. Exactly. Would you go to church once in 1965? And that's the name you remember? My mom, they mean the Corinthians. You know what I mean? Christ.

All right. So we're talking traditional American family. Yeah. What were the kind of cars growing out? You know, my dad, oh, this was we had a Chevy Vega. It was a hatchback, a Vega hatchback. Hatchbacks are always tough. It was tough because we would go fishing

and I was such a dog shit fisherman. My dad put a fish on the back. And I remember that was on the window. No, no, I wish it was on the windshield. We never. That was on the fucking. So quick. It's crazy.

No, it was on the it was on the back on the back above the bumper. It was so humiliating because he goes, that's to let everyone know there's a fisherman on board. Oh, God. I was like, oh, I, I, Captain. Really fucking like that. You know that feeling you get where you just like it's it's

a weird one. You can't even laugh off when you're a kid. Yeah. That's tough. Your parents made you feel awkward like that. You didn't know how to process. So you just like, oh, no, no. He should have put like a fucking a thing with vinegar hanging over

the bathroom. So no, no, there was a couple of douches on board. How often would you take your fishing? You know, we would go. My friend Bill DeAngelo was a good fisherman. Him and his dad would go. And it's weird that you put pressure on yourself about this, but you weren't a good fisherman.

Well, it was one of those things that I would literally. All the other kids at school are making fun of them. Jim can't even catch a sunny fucking douche. Caught me two wide mouthed basses here, huh? Jim ain't caught nothing yet. Well, no, Bill would catch fish with it. They were like kind of outdoorsy and I would literally, it was just humiliating because I would catch nothing.

I hated fishing. Fucking hated it because I caught it in Vermont. My dad would take me once in a while and we would always throw the fish back. We used to go on like family vacations to Vermont. That's pretty nice. That's pretty classy. That's good.

Yeah. You do like the Jersey Shore too at all or no? No, no, I think it's. Vermont's classy. It was classy. Jersey kid, you didn't go to the shore when you were growing up. I don't think so. I was never big on the beach because I was never in beach shape.

I never had the confidence you need to be in beach. I hear you loud and clear, Jim. Yeah, but you're a little kid, though. Oh, I knew it seven. I still wanted pussy. Yeah. These Vermont broads won't know what hit them. He's country-fucked up here.

I'm telling them an all-state fisherman from Jersey. Yeah, they thought I was amazing. Yeah, 30 miles from New York. Ooh. 30 miles. And a hatchback too. That's what you open up. Hey, I'm 30 miles from New York.

Yeah, close to the Big Apple. By the way, just to go back, those hatchbacks, when they started putting those out, they were such a big transition from station wagons and regular cars. They were a tough. There was a window where I feel. They were before I was born in 1986.

So they were before my time. But I remember there was the kids that would turn 16 would be driving them when I was a kid. I remember I'm like, these look because they were only grown for six years. And then you're someone's driving them in the early 2000s, and you're like, what the? Where is this leftover from?

It looks like another planet. It was a weird car. And I remember my mom had this. I don't remember what we had before that, but she had this weird ashtray with like, do you remember the ashtray with the sand, like a little bag of sand on the bottom? Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah. So they wouldn't tip over. They were awesome. That was a car ashtray. And I always remember my mom smoking. And I can just remember going to my grandma's house, listening to Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John, and my mother's smoking.

That's my biggest memory in the car. It was her cigarette smoke. What kind of things was she smoking? Bensing in hedges. Nice. Which is good too, because you're like a nice three-hour smoke. And she threw her cigarette.

Fucking Teli Savala. She's going to. She's got the 200s. It's fucking sticking out the window. Long, thin. Looks like a bread stick. Yeah. Fucking those things are brutal, man.

Holy shit. Did your dad smoke? He did, but he quit probably before I was born. He said he just one time threw the pack out and was done. So I think he quit. I don't think I ever saw my dad smoke. OK. And was your family, was your extended family around the area?

My family was in Fords, uncles and aunts. And we had family up in Massachusetts. My aunt, my uncle, they were like the good, like the really rich. They were nice people, but they were really like, he was an attorney, and they were really, really well off. Very wealthy. Nice people in Massachusetts.

And we were nice people, but we were kind of like, well, yeah, more working class. This is a garbage end, yeah. Sure, of course. Would you go up and visit them? Yes. Would they be real snooty to you? No, they were very nice.

A lot nicer than I would have been if I had their money. Believe me. Get out of here. These rats from Jersey are here again. Trust me, when the fucking shit Norton's came up from Jersey, it would have been a different welcome. God, there's that damn hatchback again. Close the gate.

Close the gate. Yeah, no, they were really nice. That's beautiful. Yeah. I still don't get to knock on it. So Vermont would be the vacation spot, mainly? Yeah. From what I remember, I was a very young kid,

and I don't think I went to the shore much. I might have gone a few times growing up, but I never liked the beach. I just never, I guess you don't need me, because whenever you're there, you're just, you're far from home. It's uncomfortable. There's sand.

Ah, sandy. Sand. Yeah. I mean, when I was very young, they would take me, but I never was, never enjoyed beach culture. A day trip to the beach when you're a little kid, you're going to get in there and then drive them back. That's like two tours in Vietnam.

It's fucking, it was brutal. Yeah, it was a long day. Shower in public. Shower in public. I get car sick. Like in fucking Bonnaroo or something. Yeah. Yeah, which I did Bonnaroo, actually.

You performed there? A few times, yeah. Is it good? It was OK. It was better than Woodstock 94, which we did a bunch of comedians when I'm performing at Woodstock 94. Really? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, it was abominable. Abominable for stand up. It was the smaller side. Sure, sure, sure. Terrible. Who else went up? Bobby Levy, Jeff Ross, who was Jeff Liffschultz back then. Liffschultz, yeah.

A comic named Brick Mason, Jim Florentine, Don Jamison, Rich Voss. Damn. Yeah, yeah. All of us who peaked in 2007. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another time, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. What about Disney World? They take it to Disney World?

Never went. No. Never went. No, I went to Universal with a girlfriend when I was about 21 or 22. Really? She wanted to go down there. Yeah, we went on Confrontation.

I remember I went to Universal and went on Confrontation and a couple of little rides. It was a shitty trip. Did you split that? Did you pick up the board? You making money at that time? No. I don't even know if I was doing stand up.

I might have just started doing stand up. And I went down there. Her dad flew down. Back then, you could change airline tickets. Like, I was scared. I flew Braniff Air. And I was scared to fly, so. Sounds like from the fucking U.S.S.R.

Sounds like a 70s cop fell. I don't know what happened to it. It was probably like one of those startup airlines. They had like two planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like wings. And we wound up, he just gave me his ticket. I just flew his ticket.

Like, back then, there was no security. Yeah, like 1989 or whatever. But no, I never went to Disney World in my life. OK. Vacation Universal with your girlfriend. That's pretty garbage. Yeah. Would you fly to Vermont or drive?

You drove. Drove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. What's the first time you flew? Your adult life? First time I can remember flying was going to, it might have been, that might have been the first flight,

or it might have even been going to Seattle for the, for a 12-step convention. I went out there. OK. I think I just started stand up. I was like six months into stand up. I think that might have been my first major flight. OK.

It was to Seattle. How old were you when you got your passport? Do you have your passport? I assume you have your passport. Yeah, yeah, I'm on my third one, I think. I was probably in my mid-teens, early-20s. It's pretty, that's average. What does that mean, third one?

What, you filled the book up? Every 10 years. Every 10 years, you got to get a hold of it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's had it for 30 years. I guess I have, right? I don't know, yeah.

Probably early-20, yeah. Where did I travel internationally? It was probably Montreal when I first started doing stand up. Stand up. I just got mine a week ago. Your first one? Yeah. 45.

45. Did you really? Yeah. Why did you just get it? Because I never had any reason to go anyway. Where are you going? I'm going to go to France at Christmas. Oh, nice.

I did that a couple of Christmases ago. Did you? Yes, and then the year after I went to Italy. Yeah, France is a nice place for Christmas. So now you've traveled everywhere. You've been around the world. Sure. That's what happens when you don't have a love or a family.

You can just go look at people who are living full lives. Let's go be sad in France. Only guy at the Eiffel Tower on Christmas Eve. Hey, can you take this picture for me? Just me with my thumbs up. Kip, let's talk about Manscaped. Manscaped? Halloween coming up.

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No, no, no, no. I mean, I have. I have actually, but not that often. I don't like, I'm fascinated with people that can just go away alone. Dude, that's crazy. I can't do it. I just start, I don't mind eating by myself.

I just, I don't mind that. Going like sitting at a bar and like, or wherever, and just eating by myself, I can get down with it. I don't like it in a restaurant. On the road, I got to do it a lot. Yeah. But when I'm home alone, I like to eat it, and I like to, I just watch Lost or something.

I'm about my third watch of Lost. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I watch Seinfeld 15 fucking times. I've never watched a lot of Seinfeld. I've seen a couple episodes, but I was never, I mean, I looked at it, I'm like, wow, that was a brilliant writing, really great, and great storytelling. Yeah.

But it was never my show. Never, never got you. Hm, no. Do you know Seinfeld? I know him casually. I mean, for a long time, we'd say hello. And he's always friendly when I see him, but we've never like hung out, hung out.

Just, you know, but he speaks. He's, he's friendly when I see him. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Very cool. I like it. Do you make dinner at home a lot for yourself?

I actually had a dream about Seinfeld recently, telling me why he doesn't have me open for him. It was such a weird dream. Comics will never get over it, huh? So bizarre. He's like, I like you, but, you know, it was just. You know, you're a little dirty, you know, something. Yeah, of course.

I didn't even want to open for him. I'm too dirty. I would bomb. But it's funny you said that. Well, yes, I'm sorry, man. You're even cooking dinner at home alone. You make dinner for yourself. I've lived in my place for five years.

And last night, I noticed that my oven light was on. I'm like, is that always on? I open up the oven. I still have cardboard in there. In the oven. I've never used my oven. Holy shit. Never used my oven.

I order everything out. Comedy seller or I go Uber Eats. I cannot cook. Nice. Cannot cook. Breakfast. If one of our interns doesn't bring it at work. OK.

They do that at Sirius. It's real nice. You get breakfast. You get to order whatever you want. Goddamn. Watery eggs. It's fucking awful. The place downstairs that makes the eggs is not exemplary.

No. Yeah, it's terrible, guys. We shouldn't be getting breakfast delivered. I definitely shouldn't be responsible for that. Yeah. It's T-Bone's new job. We're going to moons over Miami stat. Yeah, I like a good breakfast.

But no, I always eat out. I've never. I think I made eggs. Oh, Gordon Ramsay one time. I guess he was on the show or something. And he said he challenged me to use his recipe to make eggs. Which is awesome. It was really.

I imagine when he does it. He just has cardboard in it. Set the apartment on fire. I walked through it and it was OK. But I mean, it tasted better than I would have made it. It was kind of fun to do it. But I just don't have that knack to cook. So every single meal, basically, that you have is out.

Yeah. Yeah, I've only cooked a few times in my life. And I just can't do it. I don't have a desire to do it. Because, again, I'm almost always eating alone unless I'm in a club or whatever. I'd rather go out to dinner with someone. If I'm dating someone and they cook, I love that.

Like, I love a home cooked food, but I just can't do it. What was the Thanksgiving situation growing up? Or the cooking situation when you were a kid? Your mom a good cook? Yeah, she's decent. I would say the Norton meatloaf was never an international sensation. Shout out to the meatloaf.

But I did enjoy it. She went on this time when she made couscous a lot, which was just crazy. What? In the 80s? Yeah, I'm surprised the FBI wasn't in there. What the fuck? That's what?

Couscous in the 80s? Yeah, couscous, yeah. Holy moly. Yeah, she made couscous a lot. And we also had, you know, she made nice food. The Norton portions were never particularly large. We had enough to eat, but they were just smaller portions. OK.

Son, did you guys do Sunday dinners? No. I mean, on Sunday, we would just eat like any other night. But it wasn't like an event like a, I know what you mean, like a Sopranos family thing. We never did that. We'd go to my grandmother sometimes, my dad's mom. All right.

My mother's mother lived with us from 1980 on until she died. And my dad's mom, we would go to sea for like major holidays and shit like that. Your mom's mom lived with you for a majority of your childhood? From about 1980. Yeah, when I was in fourth grade up until I was 19 when she died. Had her own room, you assume? Downstairs, yes.

Ooh, was it converted into an apartment for her? Yes, the whole downstairs was. And I don't want to say any names, but after she passed away, someone used it to bring hookers in. I bet you it was your mom. I'm assuming Seinfeld, but we'll keep it moving. And I'll get caught up. All right.

You have its own entrance, or did you have to bring the hookers into the foyer? Well, you could have went through the back door, but you'd walk in the foyer and go upstairs or downstairs to her place, or you could just come in through the back or the garage. But yeah, usually it was late, so we'd just come in the front door. Interesting.

Yeah, very nice. It likes the woman of the night I've heard. I have, yeah. Is there any wrong with it? We don't judge here, do we, garbage? In the garage growing up, did you have a second refrigerator in there? No, we did not.

No garage fridge? No. OK, that makes sense. It all checks out. Everything's fine. You were a one car family? Yes, we were. Until my grandmother moved in, and she drove,

ironically, an Escort. Oh, how perfect. No relation. Well, it wouldn't fit in the basement, but still. Yeah, a little blue Ford Escort. And yeah, we had to. It was begging for it, I'll tell you that. The car really liked me, I swear.

It's different this time. Yeah, yeah. It wouldn't go until I put money in the S-Trait. Talk to a bigger car behind you. What do you think? Oh, that's a good piece of business right there. Yeah, so we had two cars. Whatever my dad had, which I forget what he got after a while.

It might have been a Ford Taurus or something, and then she had that. So he kept it tight. Yeah, yeah. Pretty nice. Did you go to college? One semester, B and 3Fs in Middlesex Community College. I got a B in English, an F in Problems and Statistics,

Western Civilization, and whatever the science was. So I dropped into high school. You got into high school? Yeah, high school dropout. So I was trying to get credits that would translate from college and high school. Wow. Like, that what they had like this thing at community college.

And I think the English professor just took mercy on me and gave me a B. Sure. Why'd you drop out? Well, like, what was the? Rehab, and I was just a mess. It's funny, I'm going through my closet. I just found the thing where my dad had to sign for me to get out when I was 17.

But I missed a whole, like, month or two of school because of rehab. So I was like, it was just a waste of money. I wanted to work. Yeah. So I started doing some work. What was your first job? First job was trying.

It wasn't even a good job. Trying to sell USA Today when it was a new paper. I'd go door to door trying to sell subscriptions. Selling anything door to door. Holy shit. Sucks. It's trash. It's the worst job ever.

It was horrible. And I was banned out. I can't lie like that. I'm not a good salesman at all. And so I would always go, like, you don't want to buy a newspaper, do you? And then I would always go, no, I don't. Pick call.

I sold one. And you got to fuck for every subscription you sold. That is just delivering papers. Yeah, they always tell you, like, hey, you know, some guys are doing 400 new subscriptions a day. And you're like, that's $400. I'm going to make a million. Never pans out.

Yeah, no, no. I did terribly. I used to have to sell. I used to try to sell roofing door to door. I was like, do you need a roof? And they're like, no. All right, I got no argument for you. See you later.

And most people wouldn't even know if they needed it. Who the fuck would even know if there, unless it was a terrible leap? Yeah, there was a hole in it. That was the only way. I never sold one. That's a rough sell. Any restaurant experience working in restaurants?

No, I never worked in food. I worked in a crouser. And it was, that's a Jersey staple. And I was working in the food. I noticed a lot of the cheese and stuff had little teeth prints in it. So I was like, oh, it looks like little duties around it. So I realized mice were coming in.

And I told my district manager at the time. And he goes, well, just slice around it. Like meaning slice like an inch deep and sell it anyway. Son of a bitch. Yeah, that was really bad news. But I wanted to just tell him people don't eat it. Mice. So yeah, never a restaurant.

That's as close as I ever came. OK. Was that your grocery store growing up? Is that where your mom went? Stop and shop. Stop and shop, nice. Stop and shop. And Bradley's right next door, which

was my first retail job. Bradley. I think I worked at Stop and Shop too. But we had a Stop and Shop. A and P was a big one around there. But I think Stop and Shop was our go-to. Bradley's in Jersey. Bradley's didn't sell food.

What do you mean the Bradley's? That was like a department store. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Super, the retail store. I was in menswear just folding shirts. And you know, three hours a night, I think. 69. Not bad.

Not bad. No. Not bad. Getting that first like $35 a check, you were like, what? It was amazing. Like you know what I mean? The first time you get a check with your name on it, and you put this money there.

Do a little overtime and make it actually like $8, $10. You're like, I couldn't believe it. I know. You're too shabby. How long did you live at your parents? Did you stay? I was 30. You literally lived at your parents until you were 30.

It's fucking easier to get rid of pancreatic cancer than it was to get rid of me. I just stayed, man. 30. 30 years old doing gigs. And I was just, I wasn't making any money for the first 10 years. But yeah.

Yeah, of course. Damn. Yeah. 30. That's fucking awesome. Terrible. It's terrible, yeah. How bad was the drive into the city for spots?

Or would you train? I would drive, and it was bad. I would drive in sometimes twice a day, once for an audition in the afternoon and come home, then go back in at night to do my sets. It was a lot. Whose car were you driving? I think I got a car after a while.

My dad, oh, you know what it was? We had a, what did I have? A Topaz. I had a Topaz, and my dad. Sounds like cigarettes. Yeah, it was a weird like. It's a tough look. It was not a great car.

It's a tough look. Who makes it? Ford Topaz. I think it was a Mercury. I don't remember. Ford and Mercury. I think it was Ford. My dad had that, and then gave it to me,

then he got the Taurus. Ooh, yeah. Let me see the Topaz. Yeah, that's 1994, right there. Yeah, the Topaz. I will say this, there was not a lot of vagina filtering in an house. Yeah, I could imagine.

Not a lot. That looks like a car where one of the doors doesn't open. Yeah. Or the hood's going to be a different color. Yeah, yeah, something. Yeah, I got a few good years out of it, but that was a rough drive. And then I bought a Mustang, a black Mustang.

Ooh, what year are we talking? I want to say 1990. So it was one of those ones that everybody hated? I guess so. You didn't realize it at the time? They were just when they got shitty. Rear wheel drive, I know, which is probably standard in the Mustang.

And I remember I was just starting comedy. Or it might have been 91. I was like, I'll be headlining in a few years, and the payments were like $2.70 a month, and I couldn't make that. Did it make them, yeah. Did they repo it? No, I mean, then I probably told people.

One of these? Yeah, I think so. It was black. Was it a 5.0? I don't know. Convertible? No. Stick?

No. Oh, it's trash. Yeah. Yeah. Getting an automatic sports car is bad. I was trying to help you there for 5.0. What? Yeah.

Stick shift? No. No good. Probably beating the ladies off with a stick, though, huh? Not at all. What about now? You got a whip now? Now I lease Mercedes.

Woo! Yeah. Love that money, baby. Take that, Bradley's, huh? Beans don't burn in the kitchen. Yeah, a gentleman's vehicle. I like a gentleman's vehicle. And the lease, I think, is the gentleman's move.

Yeah, because it's a write-off, because I use it almost primarily exclusively for work. There you go. So it's not 100%, but you say, yeah, you write some of it off, and I'm like, then I can just give it back in a couple of years. I like leasing a nice car. Yeah, that's great.

Fantastic. And not to get too specific, but I assume that's parked in the garage in the building. That's in a lot. I don't have a garage in my building, but I have this. I had a nice place. I thought you were caked up. What's going on?

You don't got a garage? They don't have one in the building, but there was one like four buildings down. And now, because of the pandemic, they went out of business. So now I'm parking three blocks from my house. In a garage. In a lot. In a garage, yeah.

You're not sitting in the car for two hours on alternate side. Oh, no, no, no, because then I did that then when I lived in Cliffside Park with Jim Florentine. Not alternate, but I would have to park a certain way. Yes, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know how bad it is. I do it now, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was back in the day, though.

That was 1997 to 2000. Yeah, you're not doing that now. You got a nice place. You got the Mercedes lease. Yeah, into a garage. Well, are you, is there any plans for you to move out of your place? No, I love where I live.

You love where you live? Yeah, yeah. This is it. Yeah, I mean, the windows are leaky pieces of shit, but I'm not working on that. Yeah, it's very frustrating. Been driving me crazy. Said it like he's trying to reconnect with his dad or something.

I'm working on it. I know. I'm talking to people about it. We're both in therapy. All right, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. When you fly, do you fly first class? What do you do?

Yeah, I mean, I flew coach for the first X amount of years. So now, usually, if you fly for a network or if they're doing anything, they'll always fly you. It's pretty standard for anybody performing. But yeah, you get to buy out for. Travel. Yeah. I love it.

Shabby, look at this. Because I sit and I'm like, I so want to just spend the extra money on first class. Well, use miles. I got slightly over 1,000 miles. We just started collecting. Just started collecting. This is all new to us.

We've been successful for like three months. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just, I just got my first lease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, it's good. Literally. New money, baby, love it.

New cash, new money. And I've got to blow all the money, by the way. What's the, any idea what the credit score is? No, it's pretty good because I pay mortgage. I'm like a fucking, my mother was great with money. So I pay mortgage. I pay into my principal. I don't spend, again, I lease a nice car,

but I don't go crazy and I don't waste a lot of money. So I think my credit's probably good. But years ago, I got a little messed up, a little turned around, because I didn't realize that there were certain people who shouldn't use your credit card with that you would meet out of Screw Magazine. And I used my credit card. Screw Quarterly?

Someone knows door to door, right? And I had $10,000 worth of bills racked up by people who stole my number. So that took a while to work through. Damn, Screw Magazine. Well, yeah, the young ladies there, some of them took credit cards. The kid likes an old school.

Yeah, he asks. Yeah. He's an analog man, like kind of guy. Brick and mortar kind of guy. We got about the apps. I like the hard cop. Likes to feel the knife go in, you know what I mean? Not just sit around and press a button.

I can't come unless there's a paper trail. He's got ink on his fingers. Speaking of cards, MX card? I had one. I should have kept it because it gets you into all the lounges at the airport. Right. But I got rid of it.

And I don't know why. I think because they stopped transferring miles to like American or United. So I have like American and United cards that I use. But I should get that again just to get into the fucking lounges. No black card? No, they're black, but not because it's a black card.

No, MX, no. I don't spend enough with them. All right, all right, all right. Be cooler if you did. I know, I know. I would love to have an MX black card. Also, real quick, getting an escort on credit is maybe one of the most garbage things

Honestly, yeah, it's understandable. As long as you pay your bill at the end of the month, you're actually saving. What are you talking about? That's a cash. These APRs are super low right now. Cash transaction, come on. Cash, unless you're paying in Bitcoin or something.

Cash. Yeah, but then 10 years later, you really just spent $300,000 on a blowjob. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's like that pizza guy who was accepting Bitcoin. He's a billionaire now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Man, that's a good piece of business.

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Will you take your shoes off on the plane? Literally as I'm walking down the jetway. Off. Really? My feet don't stink, but I think of it sometimes too. I know that this is probably, but it's just too uncomfortable. I'm too uncomfortable when I fly. OK.

And then, will you take food on the plane? Like, will you get a cheeseburger at the Shake Shack and take it on the plane? No, very rarely. Again, I'll bring some pretzels, a little bag of nuggets, just to settle my stomach. And, Dex, I'm a little queasy flyer, and that's very kind of a base for your stomach or an RX bar,

but I'm very simple with what I bring on the plane. That's good. Clean socks, I assume. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You fly fresh. Usually going to a gig, but typically the same pair on the way back, so I would say. If you catch me going to Annapolis,

it's fine, but coming back is a pile of shit. If you're on a plane to New York with Jim, it's going to be tough. It's going to be ugly. Socks got some miles on them. Yeah, yeah. Neck pillow. I have it, but I don't use it, OK? They don't work in practice.

I don't get them. They never, you have to lean over. They don't do it for me. Well, what I do is I take it, because I'm a bit, and I'll take it and actually reverse it and put the fat part into my neck. I just kind of go like that and lean forward a little bit. But I'm too antsy on a plane.

I can't sleep. Yeah, I can't either. You don't do the eye things, do you? No, I have. I have them. It's funny. I have a pair that I never use. And I just found another pair and I saved them.

Like, why do you save this shit? Like, I'm never going to use it. But Steve Aoki, I heard him talking about eye patches. He said he gets the ones that don't touch your eyes and they're easier to sleep with. Like, they're like little bee eyes. They kind of dome over. I got you.

Much more comfortable. Those I can actually use. Things are pretty classy. I know. At home, what are you sleeping like? You got a fan directly on you? I have a fan and I have two AC units in my bedroom. And I also have an air purifier that

blows really good, strong air. It's got to be frigid in my room. Really? Sleep with my bed Jackson. Two ACs, is it central air conditioning or is there window units? Not window units. There are wall units.

Can I have the high windows? I got you. In New York, that's classy in New York to have those split units. You got two of them, a fan and an air purifier? Yes. And I have a sleep apnea machine which I can't use. I just tried to use it two nights ago.

And again, it's blowing. You know, in 30 seconds later, I take it off and I put my mouth guard in. I hate it. So yeah, sleepy on my shits. You got a mouth guard? I do, yeah. Oh, OK.

What's the mouth guard for? It keeps me from. Dicks going in. The mouth guard does. Right. We're going to pick one up. I know, the mouth guard does what my upbringing couldn't. So yeah, the mouth guard, no, pushes your jaw like.

Yeah. And you don't choke on your own tongue. Yeah, opens up your. Yeah. Helps you. OK, so it's a sleep apnea kind of thing. Yeah. Gotcha.

Yeah, your jaw falls back and closes your throat. I just did my second sleep study. And what are you, what are you? I got a bed. I got a bed. Bed news. Oh, is it, is it extreme or like? Extreme, yeah.

Like Mountain Dew fucking extreme. Talking Code Red over here. Sponsoring the X Games extreme. Red Bull wants to get involved. It's fucking bad. So is it the, because I have two kinds, like, and it's for me, it's just my tongue just keeps hitting the back of my throat and I have central.

Do you just have the obstructive? I think I have both. Well, your tongue goes back and the other one is when your brain doesn't send the sleep signal. So yeah, let's say sometimes I'm just laying there at like a fucking asshole and nothing happens. And I'm like, you're not breathing. And I wake up and I have to breathe.

Yeah, it's weird, man. I, I thought it was anxiety or panic when I, because I, for like the last seven years, every couple of minutes, I just wake up like that. I didn't know it was fucking something serious. Can you sleep with a mask on? The thing that they, I couldn't do the test with the two nose things going up my nose.

I just laid there. Yeah. I just laid there and watched the many saints in Newark. They kept coming in like I was on a sleepover. That didn't put you out. Oh man, stinkeroo, that thing was. I wanted it to be good too. Yeah.

Yeah, they kept coming in like I was at a sleepover. Just like go to bed, go to bed, finally I fell asleep. And then I went back again and they put this mask on me. And I don't know how old yours is, but this is like something out of Superman. It's, that's like perfectly soft. It's, it's beautiful. I can see it really working.

I haven't gotten anything yet. Oh man, I'm jealous you can use it. Yeah, I, I, I wound up going for two or three. I realized I just looked at my medical thing a couple of days ago to see if I can reset my machine. And I realized it was 2012 I went for my test. Oh shit. Yeah, they've made major advancements.

I'm hoping they have. What has this been out of wood? What, are you kidding me? Just a guy blowing in a tube. Yeah. Night night, Jim. Yeah, there's just a guy there in my closet. There's a girl queefing.

I'd pay extra for that. There you go. But no, I want to try to get, but the mask to my nose is all messed up. The mask kind of does that and I can't breathe through it. Like I hate the feeling of the mask right there. Sure. Yeah, my dad, see that, we have a, you know, like something

that would look like you would get right if you got oxygen. Yeah. It's like that, but it's tiny and just goes over your nose and it's super, super soft. My dad has the fucking plugs that go up his nose. Yeah. Looks like a scuba diver in the 20s. Wait, does it, you don't have one over your mouth too?

No, just goes over my nose. How does your mouth, like I tried that and I would wake up like this and he kept eating it, air flying out of my mouth. It's funny because my nose is a little stuffed up when I first went in and he's like, you need to start training yourself to breathe through your nose like a normal person. That's, that's what they said. They said that, that, that, that breathing through my mouth.

A lot of that is like a behavioral thing. He's like, you have to, like it's almost like, like meditation. He's like, when you lay down, you have to and get that, and get that thing, make me panic. Just thinking about it. My buddy does it. And he said that he puts a piece of tape over his mouth before he goes to bed to make sure he breathes through his nose.

Is your buddy Chris Angel? That's what he's saying. Sleep freak. That's what you got to do, man. Could you text me the, the model you have? Cause maybe, cause that sounds like maybe it's better than the one I have. 100%.

I absolutely will. I had a mouth one that goes over here and then the air. Every girl is officially tuned out. I have a refer a friend policy at my sleep apnea center. And I just made 50 bucks. Get on screw magazine, get my own brood. I can't get these birds take. Trying to get a good night's sleep over here.

I have one that goes over my mouth and then blows air up the nose. Maybe I'll try that one. But yes, if you can't let me know, cause I'm interested. I got to start using it. Yeah, that's, that's like test pilots. Yeah, yeah, it's uncomfortable. And how many pillows do you use? I probably have six or seven in my bed.

I sleep on at least three. Yeah. My head propped up. What size bed we talking? Queen, king, got to be king. And everything has to be a king bed. I don't know why I need a big bed. This guy's pretty classy.

No, the pillow, that's complete trash and the fans and the nine air conditioners. I fucking love it. It's garbage. He's got a king size bed though. Pretty sweet. Yeah. Pretty sweet.

Yeah, it's big. But if I feel the more pillows you use to go to sleep, the trashier person you are. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I said they're on the bed though. You're not using all six or seven. No, no, no, I got one between your legs. No.

You hug one? I don't know. You don't hug one? Well, I wouldn't say I hug you. Put some mustache on it. I put it behind me and I cry myself to sleep. No, I wound up, I was actually wrapped in one last night. But no, I don't.

I want to try one of those heavy blankets. I got one. Does it work? They are fantastic. Really? It's just, I have a lot of anxiety and stuff like that. Yeah, just kind of, you don't realize, it just soothes you. How many pounds?

I got my wife order. It's the heaviest one. It's like 25 pounds or 20 pounds or something. Well, if something happens, you've got to get up and kick some ass in the middle of the night. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's not made out of lead. It's a blanket at the end of the day. It's like a night sleeping on you.

Chainmail. I'm listening. All right. Very nice. I mean, we're already into, we already need deep in it here. Are you a, somebody hit us up with this, and I love that I wanted to ask, do you drive to, say you're going to like a wedding or something like that.

Well, you keep a t-shirt on, drive there, and then put the shirt on when you get there, so you're all fresh or no. Yeah, but because it's basically uncomfortable to drive with that type of clothing on. I'm with you. I'm with you. I love it.

I do the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'll throw it on in the parking lot? Always. That's always. Do you own a suit? I do, yeah. But I put weight on, and it doesn't fit me anymore,

and I'm like very unhappy with it. So I want to get down to that suit again, because it's a great suit. I bought it for the Tonight Show years ago. It's a really nice suit. Would you drop on it? 5,000. What?

Yeah, maybe. Holy shit. How much did you get paid for the set? I'm 1,200. It's still 1,200. And that's fucking garbage, baby. I love that. But it was one of those ones where I was doing it all the time,

and it was a Barney suit. I went, I never splurge on clothes. You can see how I dress like, I dress like shit. I never splurge on clothes. And this time, I wanted a nice suit and a nice set of shoes. I'm like, I was going on regularly. And I've used it, again, for 10 years until I put weight on. So I was a good purchase, because it's actually

a really great suit. Is that your only suit, though? I have a few, but none of them are. But that's your go-to? That it was, until I had to go to an event right before the pandemic. Right. And I realized it just wasn't fitting.

So I had to get another suit. How much was that one? Cheaper. That was like $2,500 or something. Still pretty good. This guy's got some gays. Suits $100, $200. I've got a few of those, too.

Yeah, I got a few of those, too. Huh. I like it. All right. Thought that was a great question. That's awesome. Yeah, it was good. Have you ever worn pants that zip into shorts?

No, I have not. But I would. Really? It's not beneath me. I would. Not for etiquette purposes. I just can't get my hands on a pair. I've just never seen them.

And I wouldn't like the way the zipper felt on my leg. I don't like the way a metal would feel on my bare skin. They have a flap that covers it. My stepdad's big into them. Is he? It's a thing at the house, yeah. Have you ever bought any food in the subway? Churros, the fruit, something like that.

As in the train station subway? Not with a subway at this restaurant. They mean this subway? No, yeah, yeah, the train station. Yeah, no, never. No, just like, again, not anything that wasn't packaged like pretzels or a fucking bag of chips. Do you still take the subway?

Yeah, I will. I haven't in a while. I stopped taking the subway. But oh, because it was going on. It's just, yeah, crazy, yeah. Yeah, plus the whole thing. I used to really, I love licking the rail. And I just can't do that anymore.

I was such a time killer. For hours. Oh my god. End up out at the airport. All of a sudden, I'm licking and enjoying. I was on your 72nd street. Yeah, but no, I haven't in a while because it's gotten a little bit too crazy.

There's too many people. It's just too unpredictable at this point. Sure, of course, I get it. And it's also my schedule change. So it's just easier to hop in and bring it home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. I live five blocks from the subway, so.

I have a quick one. It'll have an asterix on it because it's work. But long story career, have you ever been on an event or a show that also featured Limp Bizkit? I don't believe I have unless they were at Woodstock 94 and I didn't know. No, they were 99. They were, for sure, 99.

Yeah, they were the ones that, yeah, they were, yeah. I don't believe I've ever been on anything. Have you ever met Fred Durst? No, never met Fred Durst. Really? No, I don't believe so. T-Bomb brought it up before, but have you ever been to a Chris Angel, David Blaine, or Siegfried and Roy

show? No. Or hung out with any of them? David Blaine, I hung with at the cellar one night when he came in. He came in with Edward Norton many years ago. This is probably around 2000. And we've interviewed Chris Angel.

So no, I've never really hung out with him. And who, Siegfried and Roy? No, I helped them train up to one of the times. That's how they do it. How did they, how did they do it? The house in Jersey. OK, OK. Do you know any good magic tricks?

Do you pride yourself on a magic trick by any chance? I don't, no, no, not at all. Do you have any roadies in your family, anybody that was a roadie? No, that would be great, because they hook up with concert tickets tonight. I don't have any of them, no roadies in my family. Any guys with pony tails? No.

But my father is trying to grow one at 80. Hitting, really? No, it's just pubes. What about you? Did you ever have a mullet or pierced ears or anything like that? Never pierced, no tattoos. But my hair is a source of torture because I have cowlicks.

So it would always like McDonald's M, and it looked awful. So I used to put bobby pins in my hair. And when it was wet, to comb it straight to try to get a bowl look real douche, and I would go to this barber, who I now realized was a homosexual. I didn't realize that, but he was kind of hitting on me when I was younger.

He would press his pubis against my arm, and I never realized, oh, yeah, that was very homoerotic. He was trying to fuck me, I think. He would talk about porn and different ethnicities and how hard their cocks would get. How did you not register? I was just taking in the information. So he's got a notebook.

Yeah, he had Jamaicans. It wasn't two years later, I put two and two together. And he would do my hair, he would like spray it back, like almost like slip back, and it was so bad. I had horrible fucking hair, okay. Ever wore like a Kangol hat? Oh my God, yeah, a lot. Really?

Long before it was fashionable. I don't think it was ever fashionable. Yeah, but I was, fat laces, back in the old Run DMC days, yeah, yeah, trying hard. Pre-comedy. Oh, pre, I was 16, 17. Okay, that's, I'll allow that. I was teenage angst, white Jimmy,

trying to fit in in New Brunswick, yeah. What did you guys call those laces? Cause when I was a kid, we called them New Yorkers, those fat laces. They were called fat laces, although they were basically douche identifiers. And I certainly screamed it. Shell top adidas, yeah, yeah, Shell top adidas, yeah.

Ever wear a chain wallet? Never had a chain wallet. Oh, did, you know, I don't remember, to me the rock wallets with the Velcro were cool. I always thought those were pretty awesome. Yeah, they were hot for a minute. Do you have a shark watch back in the day? Never had a shark watch.

That was, yeah, I think it would have been a little too old for the shark watch. Were you a boy scout? No, never. Back to this, who's I forgot to ask, do you know how to tie a tie? I'm not properly, I've tied one, but then I accidentally threw it over something

and tried to go to sleep. No, I don't. No, I cannot tie a tie, I've never had a tie tie. So when you were doing all those tonight shows, who's tying the tie? My manager or someone in wardrobe, I mean, yeah, yeah, never. Ketch a big star, what are you talking about?

I know, it's one thing to not know how to do it, to have to have someone do it. I can't do it, I've tried to, I just, I'm not, I don't have the dexterity. Brush your teeth in the shower? No, no, after. Pea in the shower? Yeah, okay.

Yeah, and shit. Hey, that guy lives alone. I mean, at the YMCA. After his smiths. Let him know who's around, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm like Vito's kid on the Sopranos. What a deep cause, that's crazy. I can picture the scene exactly.

Yeah, I know. Hurry up and finish that, there's no eating in the car. Man, drone. Any kind of magnets on the fridge? You collect magnets? I know you're an autographed guy, picture guy. What's on the fridge? Nothing.

Nothing. Just plain. Big screen TV? Yeah, yeah, I do. I went with the giant wheeled one and then I went down to the wall, you know, the one I had in the wall. It's not one of the curved ones, are they?

Cause they were big for a little bit. I almost bought one, but I was like, no, I'm patient with technology. Like, yeah, like I'm not getting the new iPhone, like I wait. Not storming the beach on the first thing. Never, no, cause there's always problems. And the curved one, I was like, no, that's not there yet.

Yeah, it wasn't. Did it go away? Oh yeah, nobody fucks with those anymore. Couple of weeks, yeah. That and the 3D never caught on either. No, three by either. It's mounted on the wall now. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

It's classy. What do you do, what do you do for Thanksgiving? You know, it depends. I'll usually go see my family or I'll go up and see like Bob Kelly. I've seen him a couple of times. I'll go down and see my parents. Went to Amy's like two years ago.

Okay. You know, just see a friend. Okay. Classy. Growing up was always traditional Thanksgiving. You guys never went out. My question is, did you ever go out to a restaurant? No, we would always go to my grandma's house.

We would eat at home and then go to my grandma's who was an amazing cook. Classy. Anyone in your family ever been interviewed on the local news for any reason? No, I don't think so. Okay. Good question.

No, I don't believe so. Any lawsuits? Class action? I was- Growing up. You were sued? Oh yeah. For what?

I was sued for defamation by a lawyer because I made fun of him when he called into the Opie and Anthony show. I mocked him for an hour. He called back and then he challenged me to a duel and then he sued me for a half a million dollars. What? And it was a nightmare to go through.

Oh my God. Dude, I learned so much about the law and defamation and getting E&O insurance and I had really good lawyers and they were really nice lawyers. But this guy was a lawyer so he didn't pay legal fees. Bastard.

So he wound up by, yeah, we wound up but we never settled for any money. He dropped it when he realized how high my legal fees were. I was like, that's enough payment. Oh, yeah, but we were gonna sue him for them. Because it was so egregious, we thought the lawsuit was 150 grand in legal fees. That's a law.

It's a law word egregious. Oh yeah. You didn't know that word before the lawsuit. He dropped E&O insurance too. Like, I'm supposed to know what the fuck that is. There was no emissions insurance. This way if you can't be sued for what you, you can be sued but you have insurance for what you say.

Toby, get on that. Yeah, we gotta get our hands on some of that shit. And that guy, a footnote, that guy recently was in the news because he shot and killed a judge in New Jersey. Oh my God, that guy? Roy Den Hollander, yeah, and then he shot himself. Yeah, that one.

Holy shit. Yeah, that guy, excuse me. He showed up at their house, and didn't he shoot the son too? He shot, sorry, he didn't shoot, Paul, he didn't shoot, he shot the son at the judge's house. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not the judge, yeah. What? Yeah, yeah. So he was serious about that duel. You know, it's funny, I remember that like, wow. Holy shit, what the fuck? Challenge me to South America to go to a duel. And we made fun of his hip hop dancing.

I mean, the man was an ass. We made really good fun of him. Holy shit. I would assume the radio stations, did they support at all? Was it like, hey? Don't they have duel insurance? By support, do you mean if they went and said,

good luck, kid? Go get a tiger. Yeah, they were very morally supportive. Grab a jousting stick and go head out to the parking lot. Hey, Jim, I got a bull brew vest if you want for the duel. Holy shit. Cause you guys would say some wild, you guys did insane shit.

But you learn about defamation. Like they, you know, all day we're pretty smart about it. And that was my, cause you can't always predict what someone's going to react to. Sure. But yeah, that was a rough one. Went on for a year. Jeez.

That sucked. Kevin, I'd like to challenge you to a duel. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors. Keep it fair. Do you have a favorite cup or spoon or anything like that at your house? Or a go to bowl?

No, no bowls. And the cup, I literally have chip merchandise like the bowl, like the cups that I drink out of those. You're drinking out of your own merch. Oh, you kidding me? I would fucking wear it right now if it fit me. I just, I bought all mediums. Yeah, but the chip stuff, I will.

Not Jim Norton stuff. Yeah. Not Jim Norton stuff. Yeah, I'm not a lunatic. I'll only drink my Ulter Egos. My Ulter Egos, Merd. This guy's bonkers. Man.

Holy cow. Have you ever been to a Harlem Globetrotters game? I have, yes. What? I'm so upset that Curly Neal wasn't there. And then one of the guys on the court took his wig off and we realized it was Curly Neal, he was bald. I was so happy.

Yes, my dad took me to see the Globetrotter. As a kid. Man, I had really much over the edge. Sweet Georgia Brown. Come on. Neal, whatever he scored. And it was still in the Metal Arc Lemon days. But what's that?

I don't even know what you're talking about. Metal Arc Lemon, he was one of the original Globetrotters. He was one of the most famous. I was more of a generals guy myself. Yeah. I always thought they were going to pull that out. I like Tom Bishop on the generals. He was my guy.

Yeah, I don't remember. I just remember Metal Arc Lemon, Curly Neal. And I knew all their names at one point. Really? Yeah, Metal Arc. I guess as a kid that makes sense. Oh, my god, they're the shit. Best record in basketball, I'll tell you that.

Say what the fuck you want. Have you ever owned a chia pet? No. OK. Do you eat your pizza crust? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Can you take pills dry?

No. Like vitamins and stuff like that? No. I take a pill, though. I don't. I put water in my mouth. I always hate people that put it on their tongue and then drink it.

What the fuck? Wait, you do water first? I hold my water in my mouth and go, pfft, and suck it in. So it's always water. I just swallow it. No, that's wrong. That's wrong. But it never touches me.

I still have to call somebody and tell them that. What's that? I don't know if we're allowed to let you leave here. When you do that. You can't do that. It's the best way to take a pill. I don't want that chalky shit on my tongue. Pills taste awful.

I put a pill on it and I just swallow. And it's like fucking swallowing a goldfish with what? It never goes. It never touches my mouth. I just swallow it. You're going to drown on Tylenol. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, that's wild.

Yeah, that's goofy. Yeah, understandable. You floss every day? I do, yeah. Before I brush my teeth. Yeah, I do floss. Wow. Yeah.

Water pick? No. I imagine I would use one, but no. I prefer just the regular old floss. Mouthwash? Sometimes, yeah. Listerine or scope? Neither.

I use this alcohol-free stuff because the alcohol drives your mouth out. Oh, yeah, bad. Yeah. So I'll use like with no alcohol. Listerine. And just to go back into the shower, what are we using?

Body wash, bar soap? Soap, bar soap. What do you got? I have just probably Irish spring. What? Nice smell. Yeah, a nice Irish spring. Good smell.

What? Yeah, I know. And celtic blue. All these credits, you're still using. You're buying off the rack soap? Celtic blue. But I bought the fancy copa soap at those walk-around festivals. And the one that has exfoliates.

And I'll use those sometimes. But then they wind up annoying me. And I just go with the Irish spring. Scrubber or straight bar to body? Bar to body. Bar to body. Guys, Jersey trash, baby. But you're right, a luffa I used to have.

And it does help exfoliate the skin. I just stopped using it. Music playing while you shower. You get the tunes going? No, I like to think in the shower. I like it silent. I just kind of stand there like a ghoul. And I think.

I do a lot of thinking in the shower. And I talk to myself. There's a whole study about. That sounds fun. I like that. About why that works. It's the sound, the white noise helps clear your brain. It does, right?

Yeah, I like that feeling. It's just a place to zone out. I love just kind of being in the shower and walking through. You like this, like working through material? I'll walk through arguments more, or walk through. Oh, yeah. Now we're fucking getting into it. Yeah, walk through debates I'm going to have, or have had,

or social points. Just what I work through, what I'm thinking about it. And I try to kind of think of both points of it. Just I like to do it. Just it's a very freeing time for that reason, maybe. Well, you have arguments in your head with people that maybe you've never met, or arguments that have never taken place?

Oh, yeah. You do. Oh, public debates, of course. In my mind, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, wow. You know, it's trying to open for Seinfeld, you know? That's true.

Yeah. Fucking. I'm debating with Kramer over his LA set. We couldn't use it more. You should have smiled, Michael. I told you, Mike's stand behind you. This whole thing would have blown over. Mike's stand behind you.

Wow. I mean, I'm. Pills dry, pizza crust. Check, check, check. Yeah. Psycho in the shower. Yeah. I mean, we're checking all the boxes here.

Everybody thinking of coffee shop? Like everybody, any of the art hanging on the wall? The coffee shop, or anything like that? Any of the merchandise? No. No, I have not. No. No, just not even a, I think it's Starbucks, right?

I brought like one of those carry cups. Yes. Are you a coffee drinker? Yeah, a lot of it. Do you do Starbucks or Dunkin? Or like independent, what do you do? Starbucks, my goal is to drive every mom and pop business out so it's only chains.

I usually get a Starbucks, but I don't even like it that much. Dunkin Donuts is better. Do you make coffee at the house? Yeah, but I have a Nespresso machine. What? Did you say Dunkin Donuts is better? Hang on a second. Yeah, I kind of prefer the Starbucks.

I understand. Yeah, it's the tray, yeah, it's trashy. But you do have an Nespresso machine at the house. Is it a good Nespresso machine? Nespresso, yeah, yeah, it's good. I make little coffees with that. My dad gave me a Keurig, but I hate Keurig. It's just too watery.

It's plastic, it's no good. Yeah, so I tried to sell it in my building, and when the woman was supposed to come up and buy it, she goes, oh, my dad has one, 20 minutes before she was supposed to purchase mine. You wait, you're trying to sell a Keurig machine in your home? It was unused. It was in my building.

I put it on the thing. What? Yeah. That's pretty trashy. It's garbage. It's super trashy. Yeah, for $100. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gave it to the door guys because they had a break room. I'm like, oh, no, but I'd never been used. I'm surprised, not that I've ever been in your place, but that your building would have things like that, where you could do those kind of things. Yeah, they do. They have like an, you know, it's like a. That is a big New York thing in the building.

I guess so. Yeah, we're getting rid of this dad. Sure, new building posting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cleaning lady, you have a cleaning lady? I do, yeah. Nice. Yeah, once a week.

Once a week? Once a week, yeah. I was so embarrassed, too, because she took the cover off my duvet, my duvet cover off by Comforter, and I can't even describe to you the amount of pistanes on my duvet. I can't describe it to you. And I said, accidental or?

Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm not that messed up. I mean, I'm like, I'm going to psychopath. I don't know how you get down. No, I don't stand on my pillows and aim. I just, I guess it's my sleep apnea. I dreamt I was swimming again. Got the mouth guard, got me. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, God, that's. Do you got anything else? No, I'm ready to, yeah, I mean, the guy's trash. Of Jersey trash, for sure. I thought you were going to surprise me with this, but no, the shower really put me over the edge. Yeah.

I don't know if you should be using Irish spring anymore. You're doing well. I know, but the other stuff, it was too annoying. You didn't have a smell. That's got a nice, clean smell. Irish smell, especially if you come from like, that's what I used to growing up. Like, and it's just like, you're used to it.

Like, you know, if I use something like buttermilk, I feel like a fucking pussy walking around. I got something. I need something hard. I think I might have something for you, but don't worry about it off there. I think I got a soap form. I know exactly what he's going to like it.

And it's classy. A gentleman's scent. Yes, it is. OK. Why are you saying like, I don't believe you? I fucking believe you. Yeah. Are you worried it's going to sell out?

Like, why would you just say what it is? We're not doing that one. It's so insane. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Norton, Jim, what do you got coming up? Anything you want to start there to know? This was so fun, man. I'm going to be doing Philadelphia Helium at the end of what?

Oh, no, this is October. Oh, I'm literally looking at this 30 years in the business. I'm looking at a pillow across the room. What an ass. Hi. I thought you were looking for a calendar. That's it. We got to kill them all.

Fucking give them cancer real quick. Cindy Brady handled the camera better than I did. I would say I'm going to be a Philadelphia Helium coming up. And then in our first week in November, I'm here in New York at Caroline's. And December 4th, I'm in Boca Raton at the Laughing Spree Festival. Brian Callan one night to me and Andrew Schultz

on the early in the show. It's a great festival. That's it. Fantastic. Buddy, we love you. Thank you so much for coming in. Fun, man. Really fun.

Thank you. This was an honor for us. We're really fantastic. Kippy, what do you got for him? Also, we'll be in Philadelphia and New York. So get those fucking tickets. The shows are going to sell out. And we're only doing one.

Get them. Yeah, we love you guys. And we'll see you next week. Peace. Speakman. Speakman. So I've never heard of it.