Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Joey Diaz!

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by the one and only Joey Diaz! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Ladder Life: https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com/garbage Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Pump the brakes, kids! Let's talk about that RUgarbage.com, your one-stop shop for everything garbage. You got tickets coming up and we got a little merch there, check it out! Yes, also this week we're going to be in Florida, baby, a few tickets, a couple tickets left in Tampa, those two shows are about to be sold out, then we're going to Danny Beach, Florida Limited Tickets there, and we're also going to Raleigh Limited Tickets there, then we're going to Louisville, and also Cleveland and Columbus. Guess those tickets to live shows are a good time, gang! Yeah, more dates coming! Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage, the show where you find out if your favorite

comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast, this is RUgarbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that they're good to be classy, they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day, we're out back here at Tooties in the new edition, she's down in Arizona doing a little mulling, Coyote's got their hands on her, hopefully she's back in a couple weeks, not empty handed. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, he is the CEO of RUgarbage, he is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world, give it up for KJ!

Kevin James Ryan everybody! What's up gang, thanks for tuning in as always for being sure you rate, view, subscribe and iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. True to rough! Cooking, then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com, gang check it out, it's a fucking party over there. Yeah and the second greatest website of all time, that rugarbage.com, get yourself some tickies and some merch over there. Cooking, got the domain name baby and I have a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the magic man, makes us all look good, works the ones, the twos, the threes and the fours, he crosses the T's and he dots the eyes and now you can get a little sneak peek at him ladies on that Toby cam, give it up for T-Bone

McScroffins, Toby McBullen everybody! What up dudes, hey pal, boys we got a capo in from Jersey, took the boat in like a gentleman! It's got a navy! Came over on the USS Gabagul, that's what I'm talking about! Gang, the long hair ain't lying, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time, he is a legendary stand-up comedian, actor, podcaster and now author and you may have seen him in but not limited to, here we go gang, put your seatbelts on, it's a long one, it's a worker, we got baseball, we got Arliss, we have NYPD Blue, Analyze That, Dickie Roberts, ER, Cold Case, Law and Order Special Victims Unit, Spider-Man 2,

Taxi, The Longest Yard, How I Met Your Mother, Everybody Hates Chris, Mad TV, my name is Arl, Wizards of Waverly Police, The Mentalist General Hospital, Children's Hospital, Brooklyn 9-9, Grudge Match, you got Marin, Superior Donuts, Big City Greens, The Many Saints of Newark, Comic View, YMH, WTF, This Is Not Happening, Hot Ones, Tiger Belly, Danny's House, Lights Out with David Spade, The Cabin, The Comedy Store and of course the Joe Rogan Experience, he has multiple stand-up specials including 2016's, Socially Unacceptable and Netflix, The Degenerates, he was the longtime host of the amazing podcast, The Church of What's Happening Now and he is currently the host of the fantastic Uncle Joey's Joint and let me tell you this right now,

he is the author of this book right here, Tremendous, The Life of a Comedy Savage, if you are a comedy fan, this is an absolute must read, ladies and gentlemen give it up for the legendary Joey Diaz everybody, let's go, let's go, look at him, what's happening you savages, I am fucking embarrassed, why, why, I am totally embarrassed by killing it for 30 years, I love you guys, thank you for having me, you kidding me, of course, I always take that boat from fucking Thursday over, I've been taking boats all my life, raps, fucking submarines, submarines, yeah, I took a submarine from Cuba, I'm nowhere in the docket, my wife always comes downstairs, she's like, I looked at the immigration status, your uncle came but I don't see you,

your mom or your dad, be a submarine Jack, pull the 23 and me, ain't nothing there, nothing, 23 and who, we just popped up on the Hudson, fucking went over to Union City and the rest was history, oh man, I love it, I'll say this though, I live out in Astoria in Queens and they have a ferry there too, taking that ferry is real classy, instead of taking the path trainer to subway in like an animal, you take that, you got a little fresh air out there, it's nice, 19 bucks round trip, not bad, if I take the train, I'm gonna save 13 bucks, but I'm gonna have a thousand when I have a graduation, yeah, I don't know where I'm going, there's a knot, the guy that, you know, I know he's still around, there used to be a train, a guy on the train that

the train would, the A train, it would close the doors and all of a sudden the guy goes, can I have your attention please, I'm gonna walk the train, I got COVID, I got a pink grown toenail, I got AIDS, I got hepatitis C, I got a fucking pink guy, and he just ran through like a thousand ailments, and then he'd say, can anybody help, not really, not really, I can help you with the ingrown toenail, everything else, I got some neosporin on me, fucking trains were great in New York, now you get stabbed, now it's not great, I still remember getting on trains and like fucking being straight, but having like a rough night the night before, and you see things moving, and you're like, is that a fucking rat, a rat's on a train, and there's thousands of them, and

you're like, god damn, I gotta stop smoking pot, I gotta stop beating corn flakes, what the fuck, I keep seeing these little things, and they used to be mice in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, they're rats now, when I was here, now they got luggage, right, they got fucking luggage and shit, they're headed out to JFK for a weekend, asking you for a swipe, yeah, that's funny man, Joey, give us the backstory, just a little bit, a little childhood, give us the scoop here, here, Union City, right, Union City, it's just Union City, and then my father died, and my mom wanted to get out of the house, because it was creepy, so she sold it and moved to 88 Street, oh, 80, oh, Upper West Side or Upper East? Yeah, this morning, Upper West Side, I'm a West Side guy,

oh nice, West Side till I die, I'm a West Side guy, oh I love the West Side, PS-166, East Side fucking sucks dude, yeah, the East Side is kind of like boring, yeah, there ain't nothing there, nah, West Side you come out of your house, somebody's bleeding, there's a fucking, you know, it's always a story, you know, 90 more, 88 Street has like a fucking whole foods on the corner, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's real nice up there, real nice, yeah, I see people sitting outside, when I was a kid, the corner there was a photography store, and the family from, this is fucking crazy, you guys are too young, you'll remember it, Dark Shadows was a show on ABC in the afternoons, a guy named Barnabas Collins would come, he was like a fucking badass vampire

with a big dick and he'd come bite your neck, I don't remember that one, but that fan, if you look it up, hysterical, that family owned that thing, and the kid that played like the Eddie Munster, okay, always worked there, who the fuck, no, who gives a fuck, that was a long time ago, stayed up there till about the third grade, okay, no, stayed up there till the fifth grade, I moved to Jersey in 73, okay, but my mom always had a bar in Jersey, so my roots were kind of always in Jersey, always there, still hanging out there, yeah, so I lived on 88th Street, went to PS166, but my godmother lived on 148th and Broadway, I live up there, and that was the fucking neighborhood when you were a kid, the Heights baby, oh my god, that was a great neighborhood, walked to 125,

get chased by gangs, you know, it was fucking, it was a different world for a child, you know, and then moved to Jersey, mom sold the bar in 78, we got locked down, what was the name of the bar, if you don't mind me asking, El Relo, it's a Cuban bar called, it means the watch in Spanish, the clock, they serve food or just booze, at the time, yeah, well my mom had a Cuban joint that did restaurants, Cuban sandwiches and shit, really, I like 32nd Street and I think it's New York Palisade Avenue, and then when she closed that in like 56, she opened the bar, then they went back to Cuba, had me and my sister, damn, went back, holy shit, because my mom had gotten out of Cuba, that's why there's no record of my mom coming here, because my mom was

at a school dance with her sister, when she was 14, I think my mom was a year older than her, whatever, and she was missing, so my mom went out looking for her and the guy was raping my aunt, Rosita, who's still alive, so my mom got a rum bottle and broke it and stabbed the guy in the back, so she had to get her out of fucking Cuba overnight and they shipped her here, because we had family here, okay, so she came, oh damn, so this happened in Cuba, yeah, but then she came here as like a 16 year old, whatever the fuck he was, her and a cousin and they lived up in the Bronx and they started running numbers, so she's a hustler, she's an earner, so that's how the whole numbers racket came about, and then five or six years later she got, she hooked up with a Puerto Rican

chicken, they opened up their own bank and then it became dangerous, it was like a woman's little fucking little candy store running numbers and they did it and then they went back to Cuba, came back, my sister got stuck in Cuba, my sister wanted to finish out the school year, okay, they went back after the revolution or before the revolution, they went back after the revolution, okay, to try to bring my grandmother back and all those fucking people, but those fucking commies, sure, didn't want to go anywhere, they were just settled in Cuba, they didn't know, they didn't know it was on the horizon, they had no idea, so my parents came back, my dad died a week, maybe a month after he got here, I was like three, so that was like shocking

and then, you know, it just flipped up the house and I think 79 was when my mother died, then I had to live with somebody and some friends in the neighborhood took me in and I got into drugs and crime and you know, all the other shit, and then I'm getting locked up and then came out, by that time I had a hint about comedy, but where I was from, they didn't talk about that, it's like me and Philly, who spoke to you about fucking going to theater, nobody, you know what I'm saying, like if I fucking ever, I want, I'm dying to fucking look up with my guidance counselor buried, so I go piss on this fucking grave because they never told you what was available to you, you know, in Philadelphia had the same thing, you know, even now, I got uncles, like

what do you do? Yeah, they don't get it, they don't fucking know, they're all like brick layers and shit. Yeah, but no, it was like, tell us that this is available, it's a possibility, I'm a fucking, I could swim here from North Bergen, I would have came into acting classes, I didn't know I was in the comedy acting mecca of the fucking world, sure, so I never even thought about it, like arts, I think freshman year I joined some art intro to performing arts, okay, and we had a fucking, I had to do the song, so I sang a lip sync shattered by the stones, and the lady pulled me aside, she's like, you're on to something, I'm like, what am I on to? I'm lip syncing, the fucking my aunt, I'm not, you know, he's lip syncing, it's crazy, I was always, kids are doing Shakespeare

monologues, you're doing Casey and the Sunshine about that, because I wanted to know, can you imagine if we would have gotten to this like a Mason at 18, sure, sure, if we would have all gotten into comedy or there was no podcasting, but anything, something, we got into this, we fell into this by backwards, you know, backwards, we saw Eddie Murphy raw, we saw Delirious, we saw something that inspired, oh, I could do what he does, I didn't start until I was 32, I had already lived up here for like eight years, telling people I was an actor, I was just doing coke and working at a bar, and then went, ain't nothing wrong with that, though, no, but we all do that, yeah, I didn't start till I was 32, yeah, 31, maybe, what was, no, I was 30, yeah, but I was thinking about it,

since I was 27, so you did a lot better than I did, these guys are all 10 years younger than me, yeah, it's crazy how you, and I always, I'm angry about a lot of things, like, how can you not want to do something that you know is going to change your life, yeah, like, this is how junkied up I was, like, I always knew, listen, I don't know what I got to offer, but I'm better than that fucking guy at NBC, sure, sure, okay, I'm better than that one motherfucker, yeah, I got him, I could outjoke that motherfucker to death, okay, you get that anger, you get one guy and you're like, I'm funny in that fucking guy, you know, and you just, and then you get into it, that took me to go into an open mic, I just went to watch for the first time and I was like,

oh, these people fucking suck, like, I'm like, I can do it just as bad as that, I think I was on stage with him, he was the one, he was the one I saw, this bad idiot, I can do this, I was wearing a blazer and sweatpants, it's so weird how you like, I got, right before I got locked up, there was a guy that didn't kind of like me, we didn't like each other, he wasn't a bad guy, you know, like when you just, sure, you just don't get along, you act a weird way one day and now it ruined it, and I try to apologize to the guy, but he was just a hard-ass guy and he came up to me once and he goes, listen, I know you don't like me, I know you don't like me, I had to be maybe 28 at the time, and he goes, but do you know what I did before I had this job, he goes,

I worked in entertainment for 25 years in Las Vegas, he goes, you got to get into comedy, and I'm like, do this fucking, I'm talking about motherfucking, trying to tell me what, but like a week later, I got arrested, like right after he told me that, a week later, not even a week later, I got arrested, and that always, you know, and I'm like, what the fuck's he know, and then I got out, I fucking went, tried to get into school, and then I got sentenced, gotcha, and when I got sentenced, was when I was, wait a second, with a felony, what am I going to do when I get out, I can't even be a fucking acupuncturist. Imagine Joe being an acupuncturist. Did you want to do that? I didn't think,

I mean, I can't cut hair, I mean, you can't get a license. You could, yeah. Did you want to cut hair? No, but, but when you're fucking retarded, and you're 30, and the fucking roads are closing to Anya, you know, every road is closed when you're 30, you know, if you think your life's over when you're fucking 20, wait till you're 30, and you're already like, and you got a felony on you. Yeah, you got a felony, you got some chick pregnant, she's hunting you down, the grandmother wants to suck your dick, you know, and now you're like really, now you're pressured to get into something, like you're going to be fucking, I'm going to be 30. Yeah, I fucked around, I ate quail foods, I got hepatitis, I got, you know, I got to settle down, that was where I was at. Sure.

That's a scary list when you're 20, and you have an idea, like I'm going to go to college to be an underwater biologist, and then you get there, and you're like, I don't like fucking being underwater, but I'll become a biologist. Sure. You're on the right path. You're at least in that world. Guys like you and I, we could have gone to work with Uncle Vinny at the shop, we could have gone to the fruit stand, or we could have worked at the warehouse, you know, you don't have that, and it kind of stays with you for a while, like, oh, I want to be an actor. Fuck, I can't even work at a fruit stand. I don't even know the tangerines, you know what I'm saying? So now, so we tend to get jobs that are money, you know, like when you're 20, you're like, I got a good job, I work, I

would elevate a union, I make $38 now. I was waiting tables. Yeah, and then when you're 31 day, you're like, I got to do something that I like, this ain't going to work, it's bad enough, I got to get up and go to work. It's bad enough. I don't want to do it. I'd much rather sell Coke. I'd much rather cut through the shake and sell Coke. Now you're speaking my language. Muck somebody once a month, you know, I'll make ends meet, but that always, it's not going to work for you. Sure. It's not going to fucking work. Did you stay all through high school? Did you do all high school? No. No? Were you into drugs at that point, like pretty heavy or no? Yeah. 80, listen, 79, my mom died. I had already done Coke one time. I wasn't happy about it.

I was basically a podhead. Gotcha. But my friends went to Zeppelin and all that shit, so acid and mescaline was big when I was growing up. So. And ludes too, ludes. Ludes were everywhere back then. Yeah, those are good things too. But uh, fucking fun ludes. They're like unicorns, they're generated. Oh my god. We only heard stories. Yeah. Your aunt, your aunt would get drunk at Thanksgiving and be like, you ever do kway ludes? You're like, what? Fucking gorilla biscuits and fucking. I leave for lacrosse camp tomorrow. People weren't scared of them then. Sure. Like if you come out with a kway ludes, no, no, no, no. People are like, it's less than five o'clock on a Friday. You got nothing to do. You got a job, but you don't really want to go to it tomorrow. Uh-huh.

It's four dollars. Yeah, lude up. A kway lude is four fucking dollars. And it's like drinking 18 fucking beers for the eight that you're already going to drink. Okay. So for the four dollars, when you're fucking 18, what would you rather do? Sure. Pay six for a fucking chipping six dollars for a case or even chipping four dollars for a fucking gorilla biscuit, which will take you a lot longer and you'll have a story in the morning. Because either you'll pass out. I mean, I got a thousand stories where I just woke up and fucking always freezing with like a hooded sweatshirt on and people would have said, you would have fucking lost a finger. No, I wouldn't. I'm on a kway lude. I'm on a real vaccine, not this fucking three-month thing.

You know, I slept outside one night. It had to be like 18 degrees. I woke up the next day. I had frost on me and shit, but I didn't lose a hand. You know what I'm saying? Like these kids today would lose a fucking hand. They lost a hand. I fell asleep outside. I had kway lude juicing me. I'm protecting. That's like a bulletproof vest, right? Like a bulletproof fucking vest, you know? Oh, man. Holy shit. Okay. Holy shit, baby. Can't but talk about ladder. Ladder. Listen, here's the here's the hard truth. Tell you this right now, cue ball. What's that? You don't know when when the big guy's going to pull your card, you know what I mean? When you're going to check the fuck out of this O'Dell. Expire. I'm playing at something next week, I think. Late check out. But gang, do yourself

a favor, get over to ladder, get yourself some term life insurance. You don't want to leave the squad holding the bag when you kick it. Make sure everybody's taken care of. Head off to the afterlife with the easy peace of mind. Yeah, don't be a dirtbag for the one time in your life. Ladder is 100% digital, no doctors, no needles, no paperwork when you apply for three million and coverage or less. Yeah. Just get your phone or laptop and answer a few quick questions about your health. Ladder's smart algorithms work in real time, so you find out if you're instantly approved, you choose. So go to ladderlife.com slash garbage today to see if you're instantly approved. That's ladderlife.com slash garbage, baby. There's no hidden fees. You can cancel it

anytime. You even get a full refund if you cancel within the first 30 days because they're good peoples, baby. They got your back. One more time. That's ladderlife.com slash garbage today. Do it. Yeah, wrap on the gates of hell with a clear conscience. Don't be sweating in eternity, will you? Kid, let's talk about aura. Aura, aura, aura. Gang, do you take about a million photos only to leave them on your phone or get them lost in your files? What if you can have all your photos on one gorgeous frame? Well, now you can with the connected frame from Aura. Yes. Name the best digital photo frame by Wire Cutter, the strategist and featured in hundreds of gift guides. Aura frames are guaranteed to make

mom and grandma smile because you know what's coming up. It's Mother's Day, baby. Don't look like a bozo. Yeah. Crayon one of these down her throat. Yeah. Shut her up. Zip it. Now you can see the kids. I don't got to come over every week. Yeah. It takes just a few minutes. Put some nudes on there for it. Get the heart pumping. Tasteful, obviously. It takes just a few minutes to set up for years of enjoyment. They were nice enough to send us a couple. Got it at the house. Sent it to the bird. I sent it to my mom. I said, bam, shut up. I'll ram this on, ram this down your pipe. Then my sister, I don't have kids, but my sister, I send pics of Hansie over. But the kids, my sister and my brother all dump pictures of the little grandkids on there. There you go. I love it.

You invite as many people as you want to add their photos to the frame and you never know what fun and embarrassing memories you'll have to relive. Right now, Aura has a great deal from Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com slash garbage. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com slash garbage. Use code garbage. You get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling Carver frames. There you go. This deal ends on May 14th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. Any vacations growing up? You guys go anywhere? You do anything? Yeah. My mom was big. I'm going to Puerto Rico. Okay. You're gonna work Cuban? Yeah. Okay. I just went for the first time. Beautiful. A lot of Florida. A lot of Florida. Miami. Miami. And how are you getting

down there? You're driving down there? You're taking- Fuck no. Eastern Airlines. The wings of man, bitch. Puerto Rico, I flew. And then my mom put me on a plane when I was 10 that I like, to go see my uncle. Okay. So, you know, when you were 10 then, like, by yourself? Fuck yeah. My mom didn't have time to dick around and go to Disneyland. The Mets are playing, bitch. The Mets are home. She's got money on the game. I got money on the fucking game. I got no time to fucking Disneyland with bullshit. See some fucking Disneyland. I don't want to see it on Mickey Mouse. Let's go to the Mets game. Let's throw some fucking chicken wings at Rusty Stop and left field. Let's have a good fucking time. My mom wasn't at Disneyland or Sea World.

For sure. So, you'd fly out there. Your uncle would pick you up at the airport. Pick me up at the airport. That's old school shit. They don't do that now. 10 years old. Don't do that now. Get arrested. They do it now. You gotta pay 18,000. Sure. You gotta pay a fee and put that kid in first class. Yeah. And he gets treated like shit. They don't give you no wings. They don't give you no pilot hat. They don't get to land a plane. And they, you can't get off the plane till the end. So, they make you sit there like a bumpy because I flew with a kid once next to me. That's not, that's not great. I sat down and there's like a 12-year-old girl. In first place. Oh, as an adult. Yeah. What the fuck? I would have to change my seat. This is great. This had to be about six

years ago. She sat, I just, I'm 12 years old. I'm going to jail. So, I just looked straight ahead. I didn't do anything. And then she asked me. She goes, I have a lot of anxiety. You ever had a quailude? No, I was, she's fucking 12. They'll put me under the goddamn jail. Could you imagine that? Like if somebody says like, Joey Diaz asked my daughter if she had a quailude, they'll throw you under the jail for that. Hey, touch. You got any lemons on you? Yeah. You got any lemons on you? Or the Aurora 714 Express. You know, you lived a peppered life when you can quote out the pill numbers. Yeah. That's my favorite. But you, I figured you would be good guidance for

a young kid. You went through it when it was, when it was much rougher. Yes. You know? But she came to me and she goes, I have anxiety. I don't know. She goes, can you keep an eye on me? And I was like, then I spoke to her a little bit of anxiety. I have anxiety. Sure. And then she was great. And then we landed and I get off the plane and there's a fucking dude who's not happy. I could tell he's powerful. I didn't know, you know, he was with his wife and they're like, why can't I see my daughter? Shit. Why can't I? And I finally walked 10 steps and I go, let me go back. And I went back and I go, Hey man, excuse me. You don't know me. Your daughter's fine. I sat next to her in first class. She's fine. She had a little bit of anxiety,

but that was it. We spoke about it and he goes, thank you very much. Yeah. You're the kind of guy I want to be sitting next to. I didn't find out to the next day till they sent me a message. It was Eminem's manager. And then he sent me anything you need. Reach out to me. My daughter said you were a gentleman. Look at that. Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey. That's the guy you want to play. Put him under his wing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But in today's world, you don't want to talk to him about 12 year olds. Of course. I remember when my daughter was first born, I went to a five year old girls house. We were all there, all the parents and I'm sitting there with my daughter and the little girls, little girl turned around, came up to me, thank God in front of my wife and their

mother. She goes, Uncle Joey, my squeegee hurts. And I'm like, why are you telling me this? Like that's fucking uncomfortable. I'm going to go get a hamburger. Yeah. Yeah. My squeegee hurts. Well, why would it hurt? What are you telling me this for? My wife was like, what? I don't know. The fucking... Yeah, if I was a scared little kid and I got on a plane and I saw you there, I would be reassured. Yeah, yeah. I feel comfortable sitting next to him now. Yeah, I was a scared little kid. Me too. Me too. I'm a scared little man. Yeah. So I just turned the voice down a little bit. I just told them that I had it too and I

just talked to her, spoke to her about breathe, you know, ask yourself why you have this fear. Stop. Keep breathing and ask yourself. She was like, it's working. Thank you. So she was very nice. Great man. Fucking stand up guy. Fucking love it. All right. So Florida, do you ever do Jersey Shore or anything like that? Oh yeah. Yeah, where'd you go? All of them because you graduate. Yeah, sure. When you're 13, you go to Kingsburg first, then people like, why you went to Kingsburg? That's a dump. Okay. Then they take you to like Seaside and Seaside Park. Then when you're getting to Guerrilla Biscuits, that's when you go to Madison, but the ultimate bar was Belmont, Montego Bay.

Yeah. And it was before 12, you could. All right. So it opened at 12 and that little peep went on the beach. And it was, they had a special on Red Devils. It's an Alabama slammer and a fucking New York Long Island ice feet put together. Mixed that with a Kway Lute. Forget about it. I'll never forget going in there one night. Wake up in the fall. My buddy was so fucked up on a Kway Lute. Yeah, wake up on Labor Day. He was just dancing with one shoe on. And I'm like, you're missing your shoe. He's like, what? And if you went in there before six with your bathing suit, you could stay with your bathing suit on. So you could rub up against the girls. Fucking crazy. A little friction going. Fucking crazy. And Alabama slammer. Holy shit.

Alabama slam. So seaside. Okay. Can you graduate? Then I left in 84. Okay. So I didn't really know what was going on after that. That's good. What was Christmas like as a kid? Would you guys do, would you do a tree? Yeah. I remember Christmas early on, but the most memorable Christmas I had was I still lived on 88th Street and I was with them all night at the bar. Now, I didn't tell them. I didn't believe in Santa. You know, when you go up to 140th Street, the kids straighten you right the fuck. I'm not about life. They don't give a fuck about your parents. A 12-year-old up there is 42. Yeah. A 12-year-old is 30. They don't fuck around. The first time you're like, hi, I can't wait to see Santa. They ain't no Santa kid. No, no, no. The Dominican straightened

you out real quick. Yeah. In my house, he's Hector. Okay. There's no fucking Santa. There's no fucking Santa. He's looking through your residence. One of the things in the book that, the first time I went to 148th Street, my godmother was like, you got to go outside and play with the kids. All right. I started playing, you know, some fucking Irish, dirty kids, some fucking Puerto Rican kids and some white kids, German, whatever the fuck they were, a couple Jewish kids. I wasn't there an hour and they're like, hey, you want to come play? And I'm like, yeah, we play like stickball or whatever. And then I'm like, let's go down to West Side Highway because we were right there. We were 148th and Broadway. So what you got to do is walk down there. Right there. And

you're right there. And I remember they were like, we walk in, do you want to see a dead body? And I remember the dude was already like bloated and he had like a two, like a four by eight piece of plywood on him. This is before New York CSI. This is when you sat there until you sat there. Unless you're bothering somebody on Broadway or in front of the fucking Lincoln Center, they're not coming for you. When they fucking shot you back. I don't know if he was shot. I remember we walked and I till this day, I remember the smell. The smell was fucking thick. It wasn't asthma. They killed him. No, no. It wasn't natural causes. I don't know if he got hit in the head with a rock. I don't know what happened to him. He was just laying there with shorts on and a fucking piece of plywood on him.

Okay. All right, I'm good. That's good. But that was, that was a kids world. Yeah. That was a New York. I mean, that was a different New York back. I mean, I didn't know about different way different than now. Huh. Okay. Any pets growing up? Yeah. I had my mother was a German Shepherd Hort. Okay. She would donate money to the ASP cops or something. Okay. That was our first dog, German Shepherd and they would give her like the old dog. Oh, no shit. The ones that couldn't sniff drugs no more like when they got too much asthma or sleep apnea or whatever. So we had a couple German Shepherds champion. Okay. And there was another one I forget. And then I got a dog about maybe six months before my mother died. And then when my mother died, the Italian house,

I went to, they didn't like dogs. They already had a dog. So I had to give the dog away. And I still remember nights being fucked up and walking home and going, I gotta go see that dog. And I would jump the people's fence and just go into the dog house with the dog and just cry. Oh, just missing my mother and this fucking dog. Damn. I was doing TAC crystal back then, which is called, which is, so there might not have been a dog. No, no, there was a dog, which was, which was aka Angel Dust. Sure. So we like doing this shit every Sunday. We would do a $10 bag from the city of Angel Dust. So when I got the dog, I ended up calling Crystal. He was, he was white with a couple like little black marks. He looks like crystal. So I called the crystal and then after that,

then I got dogs later on. Gotcha. No snakes, anything like that. Lizards, birds, nothing. Turtles. No, no, no. Fuck that. Okay. Huh. When you were in school, would you bring a lunch or would you, would your mom pack you one? What would you do early on? You know, when I got here from Cuba, I wanted to be an American. Okay. And my life was Dick Van Dyke. Okay. And fucking Dick Van Dyke show with Mary Talamore. Yeah. Right. Okay. And in my mind, I believe that the more hot dogs I ate, the more American I would get in a rush. It was like a speed to be an American. Like you had to hit a number and you got your green card or whatever. Yeah, your green card. At 250, you get your green card. Big fan of the Sobretz. Big fan. Big fan. Big fan. They don't

even happen to city really anymore. It's just the umbrellas. It's bullshit. Oh, really? Yeah, they don't use the Sobretz. You can buy those umbrellas. You can get them out at the factory, out in Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got them at the house. Oh, they're great. I got them at the house. I'm coming over. With the onions. Do you get the onions and shit? I love their chili sauce. Oh, I love the chili sauce. They're so good. The red onions are unbelievable. And you get the chili sauce and cut little jalapenos and dope it up even more. Oh, lordy. Oh, lordy. You don't know what's fucking up that asshole. Fits the hot dogs or the fucking hollies. What would you say would be the best way to cook a hot dog? How do you do them at the house? At the house? If I

tell you, you'll be mad at me. No, no. I fry those motherfuckers with raw onions in them. On a pan? On a pan. Okay. I like fried. I like my hot dogs, all types. Let's interject real quick, please. And this is how much I like hot dogs. Okay. If there's anybody ever built for the show, it's Joey. I have to resist. Joey, you might be related. I'm telling you right now. I have to resist getting hot dogs. Oh, yeah. Like, let's be honest. There's a place in Seaside Park that I walked into one day and they had a special. 10 hot dogs for 20 bucks. So I'm out 60 bucks. I went for the 10 first. And that's scary that you could eat 10 fucking hot dogs. I'll put a pack down. I could put a pack. These guys make fun of me all the time. When I was a kid, I was born

in upstate Pennsylvania. We had this place called Abe's Hot Dogs and we'd always get them and we'd get them by the dozen. And we would eat like three, four hot dogs. Yeah. Just the best. So you didn't get one hot dog. Well, you're making them. No, I never want. No. Yours were chili dogs and you ate. You said they only sold them by the dozen and we found out you can buy one chili dog. If you're an asshole. You were just eating 12 chili dogs when we were in a weight loss challenge. So that's why we were a little upset. We got to go for hot dogs once. There's a place in Newark. Yeah. There's a place in Clifton. Maybe it's called Hank's Franks. Okay. Hot dogs. You get one free and they you get potatoes on your hot dogs and onions and shit. Come on now. You should blood

for a month, but it's fucking worth it. It's better to eat that fucking hummus. Okay. I'd rather eat 20 hot dogs and a fucking piece of hummus and support fucking Isis and God knows what else. All right. That's why you haven't seen Isis. They've been laying low. Yeah. Get that back. Get that hummus money. Pumping hummus in. Yeah. Pumping it. Pumping it bitch. I'm a hummus man. I don't eat a little hummus. I do. What? I mean, Joe's confirmed me. You're from Philly, dog. No more hummus. You're from Philly. Come on, guys. Your parents know about this? Yeah. Yeah. You're from Philly. There's a certain fucking respect I have always had for Philadelphia. It's a Philly, New York and Boston. Very. No, no, no, no, no. I love Boston.

I love New York City and what it stands for. When New York City fucking sneezes, every other motherfucking catch is a cold and you better fucking remember that. Now, talk suckers. Don't get too low. It's happening in Sacramento. Listen, New York City's the way to fucking go. Okay. Still, always will be. Philly. We were talking about hot dogs. I went to, I got back, I got back here three years ago and I was a little fucked up for a year. I did the knee surgery. I was having some problems and Jimmy Florentine goes, I got sick tickets for the Philly game against the Giants. Do you want to go? I'm like, I'm so fucking loopy. I pulled my daughter aside at what the time was nine.

I go, listen, dog, I love you to death, but where we're going? You're going to hear things. Yeah, sure. You've never heard before. Okay. And forgive. They're cool people. They're dynamite people. Trust me. I'm telling you this. Just, we get there. We're not even in the stadium. My daughter hits me. She just looked at, there was already a dick on the wall. Right when you walked in. For some people, they go, oh my God, for me, I'm like, I'm home. It feels good. I'm fucking home. Start tearing up. I walked down. I had, we had great tickets. Jimmy and I ain't fucking people yelling, shut the fuck up. The coach from San Francisco wouldn't come out because I guess he coached Philadelphia years ago. Yeah, he coached. Every time that guy walked out,

the things, you heard. Yeah. Again, I love Philadelphia. Sometimes it's overkill. Sure. In my world, when I came from, I like it because Philadelphia don't like the same shit. I don't fuck that. I got you. And that's homeless, motherfuckers. It's very tame now. Back when we were kids, going to, going to, going to veteran stadium. Oh yeah. No, no, no. Listen, no bueno. No bueno. 700 level. No bueno. Remember, I went to Glassboro. Okay. Before it became Rowan, cocksuckers. Okay. That's how old the Rural Papa is. Yeah. So I still remember the six of games when they would give you a free hamburger, if they scored over on a 25 point. And if you shut up to the spectrum, if you had balls, go cop that burger. Yeah. Cause you got the free ticket

and you got to walk in there, walking out with that burger. Another story. With something complex. I saw a guy get hit with a pipe when I was younger down there. And I'm like, Philadelphia. They don't fuck around. I went to see the Stones with, I went to see the Stones with Farina and veterans in 1978. Jesus. I was there when Julius cut the ball against the Lakers getting one. Get the fuck out of here, really? Get one. I saw the Daily News. I was, I was working for a bookie on a hundred and eighteenth street. I took the fuck. There was no ferry then. So I take the bus up fucking Boulevard East. And I, you know, you had the Daily News. That's what you got to say. You buy Daily. Daily News and the fucking sabbat. That's what you're doing

on wherever you got to go. You read the Daily News. I'll never forget that scene. Philly was getting a point at home. And I was like, these motherfuckers forget about a year earlier. Didn't Dallas go into San Francisco and try to give my man Snowy Joey a point? And what did that motherfucker do? He threw the lights off with Clark. That was my functioning. Who the fuck are you to come into Philly? Fuck Kareem. Fuck Magic. That's when we had Moses, bitch. We had World Be Free. We had a fucking stacked team. Cornwall, Jones, Barra, whatever. Dr. J, baby. Bobby Jones, Julia Serving. It was a different fucking world, man. Kid, let's talk about rocket money, baby. Rocket money. Let's talk about rocket money saving your money because we're all signed up to all

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Quickly and easily view all your subscription and cancel any one you don't want with just touch of a button. They take care of the rest for you. Rocket money even puts your expenses into categories and alerts you if anything looks off and budgeting is in easy mode, baby. Those $5 charges you think out this, that adds up after a while. Jamming up. Keep it in your pocket. Don't even let them get their greedy little hands on it. Stop throwing away. Stop throwing your money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses. The easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Do it. Yeah. I remember from well being a little

suburban kid and going down to the vet for the first time in the 80s, that was a fucking eye opener. Oh, yeah. You held your dad's hand real fucking tight. That you saw fistfighter something like that. Get closer to me. Yeah. Yeah. Just say working out. Petrified. It was it was a different, yeah. That veteran stadium. Even I mean, I would go in the 90s. It was fucking weight, you know. It was a fucking, they had a jail cell and a judge in there. The procession. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. That's nuts. People don't believe that. Yeah. Like people outside, you know, California, people don't believe that though. But like I also view people everywhere you go. They're like all Philly fans, Philly's,

and I'm just used to it. So I'm like, I don't know. But then as I've been removed, I've been up here for 10 years. I go back. I'm like, oh, yeah, no, it is. Yeah, but let me ask you a question. I love it. I would rather go see a game in Philly. Oh, yeah. Anywhere else. Anywhere. We were at the World Series, game three, first game back in Philly. When Harper, when they were just crushing, crushing, crushing, crushing. They were laying it right in our fob. We were out in the right field right behind Castianos. Harper hit that first bomb. Let me tell you, it was like money ball. It was magic. It was magic. Everybody's got everybody in a headlocked beer. It's why they got shot out the next night. They live for that

shit. They live for that. Man, they live for that. It's a beautiful thing to see. And bro, I grew up at the garden, seeing Bernard King. Sure. You know, I went to see the garden to see fucking Walt. I went all that shit. It was fucking, you know, a couple of weeks ago, there was a game from the garden I was watching. I'm like, mother fuckers will never know what that's like. A Tuesday night in New York City. Shit. Yeah. The Knicks are at home. I remember now it's 400 a ticket. But when I was here, we just be hanging out. What are you guys doing tonight? Let's go to fucking that game. Go get a cheese steak and we'll shoot up and get the neck game. We'll smoke a joint on the way, get a six pack. Whatever. That's how easy it was.

Joint six pack in a ball game. That's how you got off the port authority and you walked to the garden smoking. And people look at you with a fucking ghetto blaster, AC DC, highway to hell. You know, people like these fucking kids. These kids came to play. They're on their own planet. So we talked about hot dog. How do you get your steak cooked? Joe, how do you like your steak? Medium well. Medium well. Really? Yikes. A little pink. But I can't have all that fucking pink. Really? I like roast beef, but like when they give you too much pink, it just drives me crazy. No kidding. Yeah. So you won't do you won't do like tartare or anything like that. Will you like steak tartare? Try it. What about oysters? Will you have raw oysters? Yeah. I like oysters,

clams, oysters. Really? Okay. Clams on a ham shell, like a motherfucker. With some horseradish. Shit. Joey, how do you feel about Hibachi restaurants? Tremendous. I got a great one in my neighborhood. Really? Yeah. And they double listen. I don't like going to restaurants when they have two flags. You've got to pick a flag with me. Do you're Chinese? Oh, so you'll okay. If they have an American flag and a Chinese flag. If you're Chinese, I don't want to see sushi in your restaurant. Don't embarrass. Okay. Let's work on the lobster companies. But if you're going to make sushi too, it's the law diminishing returns. You're serious. So I always I'm a

Japanese. You want Japanese if you go Chinese, you want Chinese. We do Korean barbecue. Yeah, not bad. But by my house, they have a Japanese place and they do pad thai shrimp. Okay. Oh, good. Good stuff. Perfect. Perfect. I used to go to I used to go to toy in LA that was right down the corner from me. The only thing I didn't like is they have coconut milk and people were barefoot. Those granola motherfuckers in LA. Their feet smell like that. You know, all that yoga and all that rotten ass and all that turmeric and shit. They're in there. The odorant. Yeah. You're fucking eating pad thai shrimp. You think you're under the fucking Hudson. You know, oh yeah, those fucking filthy Gentiles. No fucking, you know.

You know, Los Angeles must have been a war every single day. You're like, we're going to battle. You know, it's so weird. It's so weird. I just could not. I cannot believe I lasted 23 years. And at some point, I would just shut people out. I gotta want to hear this shit. Yeah. Too much talking to mama. Shut the fuck up. Are you going to get on stage? Oh, you're not. That's it. Right of wrong. What's the course? I thought that I would write this material and then live through it. Shut the fuck up. Just get up and be funny. All this shit for nothing. Just get up there. Yeah. The fuck is all this shit? Jesus. Now, you said you said you're not you're not that big of a fan of flying, but when you do fly up front, fly up front, I'll fly wherever they put me, you know.

But yeah, you try to fly up. You know, you sat in the back. You've done it all. Sure. So a club. Listen, the club gives you like 600 for a plane ticket. Okay. Go online and the plane tickets, 800 for an extra 150. I get to live like a doctor. Sure. I get to scratch my balls in first class. But the only first class I was really, really in love with the best I think is JetBlue. Okay. Oh, what are they? The mint or whatever? Yeah. Oh, by yourself. You're pot. You're in a pot. You're in a pot. Yeah. By yourself. Your little office. You're hanging out. Will you take your shoes off on a plane? I love people. So no, I don't want them smelling my phone. We drop the seat back. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You TSA precheck? No, I got felonies. I'm clear.

But every once in a while they fuck up and they give me precheck. Later. Yeah. Okay. You brush your teeth in the shower. Yes and no. I have like two places like in the shower, then I have to sink. You gotta go in there three times a day so you can't keep going back in the shower. You can't be hopping in the shower. So I have a toothbrush in my shower, in my bathroom, one downstairs in the basement. You leave it in the shower. One in the shower. Were you pee in the shower? I used to. I used to shit in the shower too for a while. A nice little dump in there. You pick it up with your hand and just flip it in the toilet in the morning. Kill two birds with one stone. But that was a long time ago. That was when I

was still an animal. Oh, that's a first. Yeah. Here on the program, ladies and gentlemen. You want the truth? I gotta give it to you. Of course. We appreciate it, Joe. Make me come over a ferry to come here and blow lies at you. Fucks sake. If I got on that ferry, I'm gonna make it worth a while. Have a good time with you guys. We love you, Joe. Say you're out at dinner with a couple of friends and at someone's birthday. Will you tell the waiter at someone's birthday so you get the free cake? No. No, never. I don't want that motherfucker coming to my table with that firecracker. They're singing. He's a Johnny. Get the fuck out of here. He's a Johnny. Get the fuck out of here.

I just had a 60th birthday and my friends were furious. Like, you gotta have something. Oh my gosh. I'm not doing that shit. So what I did was I got all my neighbors to bring their kids over and we fucking made pizzas. Hang out. And the kids had a great time. We listened to music. The parents got hammered and I had the energy of the kids there. We got, I got too many kids in my neighborhood for me to tell you I'm coming over without the kids. I can't do that. Sure. Yeah. You know, somebody sent me an invite for dinner last week. Like, oh yeah, no kids. Like, I got too, I'm too invested. Sure. And my daughter was just there. I don't really have a babysitter all the time. So no. No, it makes sense. I like kids. Okay. What about Teddy Phil about splitting

the check when you go out to eat? I'd rather pay it just so I don't have to fucking see calculators. Come out and percentages and who drank the wine. Oh, you didn't drink. Listen, just give me the fucking check because you're embarrassed. I know it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. I pay it if I don't have it just to get the conversation over. The best is in LA when they invite you when they go, hey, it's Chuck's birthday, Tuesday. Do you want to wait till you go to his 18 motherfuckers on the table? Too much for me because I just want to talk to you and you is 18 motherfuckers interjecting in our stories and then wait for the check to come. Then nobody knows nothing. You know, everybody saw what happened. I think,

you know, because all they're talking about is I can't wait to travel to India. You're not going anywhere anyway. Check comes, mom's the check comes, mom, you know, everybody's looking the other way. Also, I got his rupees. Yeah. What do you like to lay down on a tip? You like you're a good tepper? Yes. Good tepper. Okay. Listen, man, we're entertainers. Yeah. Better yet, we're in the art business. Better yet, we're really in the karma business. I love that. That's pretty good. That just hit me. We're pretty much in the karma business. So look at the book. What it says on the bottom of that book. It says Joey Coco Diaz and underneath Erica Florentine. Erica Florentine's Jimmy's niece. Okay. She can't figure out like why'd

you put me on the book? Why'd you do this? And I go, when you're a real artist, you look for people to strive. Yeah, of course. I'm going to tell you who I learned this lesson from. I just got $200 million. I just got $200 million because he never felt short on us. Any of his friends, you know, he was always there for us. He was making money since day one, so I don't think the $200 million ever changed that. Sure. He was making money, but the support that you get from big time names and you see that. I mean, you first get into the business, you're like, oh, I don't like this guy or fuck him. He's moving faster than me. That's the stunt you're growing. Does. The more you cheer for these two motherfuckers, the bigger you'll be

because you're cheering. You want the best for everybody around you. And it comes down to tipping. It comes down to kids. Yeah. You know, tipping. Listen, I'm going to sit here with you and tell you about bad. As far as I'm concerned, it's all bad service. You know why? Because they're not looking at my ball sack. Okay. When you go, you know what I'm saying? Like, let's be honest. What's good service? They lick my ball sack after I had the flan and the double espresso. Okay. That's not going to happen. Uh-huh. But you know what? It's a great dessert, by the way. You're making it. You're, you're making that person's day. I always say that all I gotta do is one thing every day is make somebody's day. Does that mean you have to give him $10 million? No, that means,

bro, I like that shirt. Really? I like you, Joey. My wife hates it. Fuck your fucking wife. You know what I'm saying? That's two nice things. You make somebody's day. Of course. Whether it's buying them a sabrette dog, what's the cost? Your $3? Yeah. What's it cost you to take a guy on the road that, you know, he's, you know what a comic's down. Sure. I don't have to tell you that. You have two good weeks and then you have three bad weeks. This guy don't want to use you and Netflix don't want to shoot me. Fuck all that. Let's go to fucking Boston. Let's go do it together. Let's go do it together. Let's see what the fuck's going on here. And people never understood that. Everybody's done challenging everybody. That's not the way you're going to grow. You're going to grow by

clapping for that motherfucker. Completely agree. You know, there's a thousand comics I don't like personally, but goddamn it are they fucking funny. Do you follow me? Yeah. I'm still going to support them. Maybe I don't like what they do and guess what? Maybe they don't like what I do. But they got to go that motherfucker to tell a good story. And that's what this is basically about. We're in the karma business guys. Damn. Sorry. Fucking changing lives out here, Joey. We're in the karma business motherfuckers. I, I, I, I've become a better tipper. I didn't have money for so long. Struggle. And now I got cash. I'll go, oh, I'm, I'm making up. So like the guys that are getting it now, we're getting it for the, for the 10 guys. I couldn't give it to them. There was a time

where even if I didn't have money, I wouldn't go in that restaurant. Sure. Oh yeah. If I couldn't give him $3, you know what? Don't go in there. You can't stiff a guy. You're not going to stiff a fucking guy. So never. Never. Hmm. Damn. Using any cologne. You were cologne. Fuck no. No. Irish spring, bitch. Shout out to the Irish. Irish spring. Are you doing a bar? A bar soap? Fuck yeah. Are you bar on skin? Uh, I used to be more. Like now she, my wife buys like the loofahs. I like the loofahs. I cut a little loofah for your asshole because around the side, you get that little barnacles and shit to stay on there. So your loofah, that little muffler. Making my own muscle down there. That's why I keep the fucking toothbrush in. It's on the other side of the toothbrush.

Yeah, just Irish spring in the stickiest of the icky. Yeah. Oh, I love that shit. I love Irish spring. I'm white trash, guys. You forget I'm Cuban, but I'm white trash. I tell my wife all the time, I go, don't feel bad. I'm white trash too. You're making Cuban sandwiches with Wonder Bread? Oh no, not that white trash. But I have my, I love all the shits over and hit you. Yeah, I love all that shit. I apologize on behalf, I apologize. I didn't know he was going to say that. No, no. I am white trash, brother. Have you ever skied in jeans? Yes. Oh, okay. Jersey, what are you going to do? True. You have any bumper stickers on the car now? No. Okay. How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? It's kind of boring though. Okay. It used to be better than everybody. You

know, Boston Market did it, and they had a good fucking thing on it. They had a run, baby. 30 years ago, they had a run. Boston chicken. It used to be Boston chicken, and they threw down Boston chicken. They threw down, then shop right, got into it, everybody got into it, and now you're getting these third world fucking chickens that taste like fucking ass. Okay. You know, it's like the sandwich. Mr. Maticani made you a sandwich in Philadelphia, and it was a great fucking sandwich for $3. But then there's got to be Subway. You're not going to go into Subway, but they fuck it up for everybody else. They do. The product change. So, Mr. Maticani now, you know, now you got people going in there, hi, Mr. Maticani. I got a turkey on white. Come here for a second. Do I look like

I make turkey on white? Get the fuck out of here. Where are you shopping now over in Jersey? What's your grocery store over there? I got three different ones. I got Wagmans, Shade, Wagmans, and Lavotees. Okay. Where are you getting your lunch meat from? Lavotees. Is that a smaller Lavotee? It's more of like a Italian market. You go there for the specialty items. Yeah, go and then get a little fucking Mortadelle with a little fucking wet mutz. Okay. A little piece of bread. They got Gino's Italian ice in that motherfucker. Shout out to Gino's. They also got, I can't support him because they don't support cops, Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. I love that motherfucker. That's a game changer. If you want diabetes, there you go. Ben and Jerry's.

I'm a chubby hubby man. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. All right. And what cold cuts, what regular cold cuts are you doing? You do turkey? You do ham? I'm a deluxe. Boar's head, deluxe ham. Gentleman. Slice thin. Boar's head is the best. Of course. Stice thin. Will you take the slice off the guy when he slices it? You bet like a motherfucker. You bet. I'm a Costco groupie, bitch. I love that shit. I know it is to be poor on a satin. Go to Costco and mingle. You know what I'm saying? Go to Costco to mingle. You're treating like it's a wine tasting. I don't have no money to buy anything. Do you want a piece of halibut? I shouldn't. He got 42 picks in your pocket.

Who's cutting the hair these days? Where do you get the hair cut? Well, I'm 60. My head cuts itself at this point. I'm just losing it by the day, you know what I'm saying? So it cuts itself. And I have a girl that I've been using in Jersey, great lady. I know a family. Okay. Her father is the gym I go to. Okay. You go to her? She come to you? I go to her. You go to her? She do it at the house or she got a spot? No, she got a shop. Great shop. I love the girls. What's she getting you for a cut over there? How much the cut costs? Again, I don't even know. She just gives me a number and I give her a tip because I know she takes care of me on it. I go in there for the dye, the cut. Gotcha. You get the whole thing cut. The fucking nose hairs.

I just started getting the nose hair in your hair done when I go in. Yeah, you got that age. We get to that age. It just blows out. Let's say you're going to a wedding, family, friend, their kid. What are we talking about in the envelope? What are we looking at? I assume you're a cash gift guy. You're not getting some off the registry. No, not giving them a fucking blender like a momo. But let's get something straight. I give everybody from three to a nickel. But I don't go to a wedding. That is the most bullshit I've ever heard. I will pay you 500 not to go to your wedding. I'm like Brad Pitt Moneyball when he's talking to that dude. And he goes, the Yankees are paying you not to play. Yeah. You know, I'm David Justice. You go to so many weddings and

they're a whole fucking day. It's a lot to three to a nickel. I just don't have it. You know, and then all of a sudden 15 years ago, something started in this country where it really turned me off. And it's the people who think, again, it's a special day for you and I'm there with you. But what makes you think? I got to fly to Texas to celebrate your birthday. You ain't wrong. Gotcha. Well, to Mexico. And I got one invite. Let me tell you what this invite was about. And I'll tell you the background. I know we want a shortage. I knew the girl. She was a sweet girl. We lived in the building. But what pissed me off was she got a pair of fake tits that looked fantastic. I never saw them, but she was a skinny girl and the tits look great. And she got engaged

two months after she got the tits. She didn't even fucking wait to see where her investment was going to take her. Nobody ever came on a tits. Nobody fucking jizzed. Nobody did anything. So for you to get married, okay? When I got the invite, but this young lady decided to get married January 1st. And she wanted you there December 26th for the festivities. Let me tell you something. That's crazy. Get out of here. Fuck you. Who the fuck are you to get married in Mexico? First of all, I knew you when you were sucking dick behind White Castle. Okay? I knew all those bros when they were giving head jobs by White Castle of Burger King on McDonald's. Now I got to fly to Mexico. No, that's never gonna, I will never contribute to that. I will never,

I will never contribute to that. Because I don't want people to keep thinking they can get away with that. Get married at the VFW like every other dirty fucking whore does. Okay? I knew you when you were blown dudes. And now all of a sudden you want to get married because your husband brought your Range Rover. It's like the other day somebody tried to cut me off with a Mercedes Benz. She didn't know what she was doing. She tried to cut me off. She didn't know. She didn't really know what she was doing. She tried to cut. I was already in place and she's trying to muscle in on me and I opened the car and I told her something that's as simple as can be. Okay? Sucking dick and driving are two different skills. Just because your husband bought you a hundred thousand dollar car

because you suck a good dick. You can't drive and that's not on me. So before you buy your wife a hundred thousand dollar car, I'm sure she could suck dick. But let's take it for a drive attack. Let's make sure she's not going to aggravate people. But on the other hand, the reason why you bought that is because you're fucking your receptionist. So you're never going to take the ride with her anyway. So why, you know, yeah, I'm sorry. Joey, this is what we want. Word to the wise, don't cut Joey Diaz off of you. She didn't cut me off. She didn't cut me off. She beeped at me and tried to like move back. No, you didn't cut in. Yeah. You were too busy looking around. So 302 a nickel is what you do. But I'm not going to your fucking wife.

And I'm listening. My daughter already talked to me about a 16 year old, quinceañera or whatever. Uh huh. The 16 sweet 16. Sure. I told her. See the sweet 16 of college. There's no sweet 16 in my fucking house. Okay. Well, I'm a Cuban kid. I had to go to a sweet 16. I went to one of them. Uh huh. Fuck you. Fuck your grandmother being there holding my hand. Yeah. I'm Spanish though. When I was a kid, I used to have to take the girl and her grandmother to fucking the movies. If I had that option today, if a woman comes up to me, you can take me to the movies with my grandmother. Fuck you. And fuck your fucking dirty whore grandmother. I'm not going to movies with none of you. Unless she's licking one ball and you're licking the other.

I'm not going to movies with you fucking wenches. But when you're a kid, you agree that. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to get your dick wet. Yeah. Why is grandma here busting my party up and shit? What was the last time you were at an Applebee's TGI Fridays or Olive Garden? Years. Really? Okay. Respectable. Yeah. You still doing any fast food at all? Well, you have fast food? No. Don't touch it. Back when you were doing it, what was your, what was your go to? You can't say in and out because I know that's superior. No. When I lived on 88th Street, I was not allowed as a child to eat fast food. Okay. So the only time I could eat fast food when I went to visit my cousins in Miami and we would get McDonald's or KFC,

which was, you know, the seventies and eighties. Sure. That's when KFC had real chicken. That was that was unbelievable. And McDonald's, Big Macs were fucking king. Yeah. They were awesome. And then over the years, you hear all this shit. And I had, I had a quarter pound about three weeks ago at night. I was stoned. There was nothing either at the house. There's a 24 hour one by my house. I gotta tell you something. It was fucking amazing. Yeah. It tasted that fucking good. And you're eating it. You're like, I know that my intestines are going to be bleeding and shitting blood for a month and whatever, but it doesn't matter. On that particular night, that fucking quarter pound of cheese was delicious. Yeah. I won't go back now for six months. Yeah.

Go on every six months. It ain't bad, but I'll tell you what else. I like that Egg McMuffin. Joey, who don't like that? I like that Egg McMuffin. That's a good kid right there with a Coke zero with a lot of ice and an apple pie. Dude, fuck it. No, McDonald's, McDonald's Coke is the best. Yeah. The best. The best in the world. It's not even fucking, they're getting the uncut, pure, not stepped on shit. Everybody else is getting stepped on shit. McDonald's comes correct. Will you dip your fries in mayo if you have French fries? No. What kind of air freshener you got in a car right now? Reefa. It's called weed pussy. What do you call it? Pussy, shut up. Are you going to get the car wash on the regular?

Keep the car clean? Yes and no. And what are you whipping around then if you don't mind us asking? What are you? Subaru. Subaru. Okay. Okay. Lived in Colorado for 12. Sure. Yeah, that's it. You know, last week it was raining in Jersey. I could see these jerks doing 30. I'm doing 90, whizzing by them. Beep, beep. Vote for me, cock suckers. Enjoy your fucking Prius. All we got electrocuted. All we got electrocuted. God, motherfuckers. Wait till you get electrocuted. You and Tesla. All he is. Joey zipping around in a Subaru. I fucking love it. That's all right. That makes so much sense. Yeah. You take the shoes off in the house or you leave the shoes on?

My wife don't want me to take my shoes off. The stink is unbearable. Really? Nah, she doesn't care. I take the shoes off. Take them off? Say you go over someone's house for a dinner or something? I don't take them off. And they say take them off. Fuck you. I'm like that dude in Donny Braskoff. I'm not taking my shoes off. I lost my father for this guy. I lost my father. I assume we got a king size bed at the house? Yes. Okay. How many pillows you sleep with? There's nine on the bed. There's nine on the bed? Three. Holy shit. My thing and then she's got something in the middle. Okay. You know, my wife is from Tennessee. She's always got an ache or a pain. Gotcha. How many? So you have two underneath your head or three underneath

your head? Two or three. Two or three. Do you hold one? You put one between the legs? No, I'm too busy holding the cat. Okay. You snuggle with the kitty. The cat comes up at night. All right. It's off, Uncle Joey. See a ceiling fan? Ceiling fan. Fan on when you sleep? Fan. You got him. You fucking got him. Ceiling fan, standing fan, air conditioner and a little fan that blows this way. I put the sleep apnea mask on. I throw up. Some nights I sleep with a hooded sweatshirt on just on principle because I don't, I'd rather freeze than be hot. Gotcha. Man, three fans going. You got a TV in the room? Yes. You leave the TV on when you sleep? No. Turn it off. Yeah. Okay. Hmm. It's all right. I have sleep apnea so I had to program myself that when I hit the bed

I'm going to sleep. Gotcha. Shutting it down. Yeah. I'm not going to watch TV. I watch TV downstairs. I got it too. Do you like to see Pat machine? Yes. Yeah. It's my favorite. My favorite. It suits me. It puts me to sleep. People I don't like it. I don't like the way it feels. I fucking love it. What are your fucking options? Yeah, I love it. What are the options to die in time? I love it. I love it. You're gonna fucking die. It's funny. If I fall asleep now, would it only for some reason and I don't nap during the day anymore because I use it but if for some reason I fall asleep when I catch it at it, man, I wake up like I'm like I'm coming out of Vietnam. People have no idea how bad it is and how bad it gets and elevates quickly. Yeah. I thought I had I thought I had

hard problems for a long time because I went to the I went to the um the cardiologist before I ended up going to the pulmonologist when I got insurance a couple years ago and I was like, dude, I'm waking up in the middle of the night and I think I'm having a heart attack. Turns out that was just my body shocking me with adrenaline because of my sleep apnea. It's crazy. Man, not no more. I'm out night. It was number one growing disease in men sleep apnea and it wasn't till our boy and Philly died that it woke it all up. It was a Philly. Who's that? Who are we talking about? The defense event. Uh talking about Reggie White. Reggie White. Yeah. Is that what got him? Is that what got him? Yeah. Up to the up to the up to Reggie White's death that website

was getting 25,000 hits a year maybe. Huh? On the day of his death, two days after his death, his website got a million downloads. People don't happen. People didn't know they had it. I didn't tell guys. I didn't know I had it. Yeah. I was falling asleep with a cigarette in my hand like a fucking heroin junkie and I was in uh Little Rock, Arkansas. I was having a lot of problems. I know I was putting on excessive weight quickly. I was putting on weight on 40 pound chunks. Damn. I bought three suits at Hollywood suit outlet one time and like in March three suits like a Puerto Rican. Three suits, three shirts, three pairs of socks, shoes, quinceañera shoes, fucking and guys, I have no reason to lie. I bought them like early March for a commercial

and I think mid-April. I went to put them on. You know, sometimes you put pants on and you're like, oh man, I gained a pound and you squeeze into them. Guys, I was three inches apart. Like it was three inches. I could get there. Like who does that? Who could fucking gain three inches and that went up all the way up to four and 18 pounds. I know a guy. I know a guy too. I've also met a gentleman that can do that. If you still have those suits, I'll take them off your hands. I got tons of shit, tons of shit. What's the wardrobe like? You got suits now? How many suits you got now? Do you think? Do you wear? I got about eight suits. Eight suits. Eight suits. I think that's a record. Yeah. But are they from filming and shit or like from the wardrobe and shit like that? No, I didn't

steal wardrobe like suits. No, that's ain't stealing. I stole roller skates when I did movies and shit like that. But no, I just bought suits over the years. I like suits. I like dress them up. Yeah. But it's like I was telling somebody I bought a nice jacket for the grudge match for me. Okay. How many times I've worn it for the grudge match? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do the same show. That's it. You know, I just want to feel nice. You want to look good. And I'm like, I'm not a guy that wears a suit. You know what I mean? I'm not that. I'm not that. And suits are bad luck. Weddings, court and funerals. Yeah, that's it. That's the only time I wear them. You got to fucking suit your bad luck. Yeah. Holy shit. Think about it. That's a fucking revelation.

All you wear a suit for is for fucking bad things. Court, weddings. Yeah. Fucking church, people dying. You never wore it. Yeah. You never wore it. You know. Yeah. They're like, Hey, I want a million bucks. Get the suit off. Yeah. Fuck the fuck. You know how to tie a tie? No. Who ties it for you? My wife. Okay. Ever been bitten by a dog? Couple times. But not as a burglar, but because of fear. When I was a kid, I was scared of dogs. I kept getting bit, bit, bit. I got bitten in the face in the Bronx. When I was like four, my mom had a dry cleaner up there. It was a bookie operation. And we had a German shepherd to protect the place. His name was Tula. And here I am. Fuck with him with him. I'm like taking his hand and throwing it

out of the mouth. I could just reach up. Damn. Got you. Got a piece of me. Oh, man. All right. Where you going on vacation now? You like to, you like to get away? You go down anywhere? Go to the other banks. You go to the other banks. Nice. This will be our second year. Okay. Myself, five other families, all their kids. You would have nice. Fucking great house. Are these all big houses? They got big houses down there. Are these all the network that you've built out in Jersey from moving out of here? Yes. My wife. Really? Kids and other parents. No actual family members. Like her family. It's just all community. Yeah. Her family's in Tennessee. Oh, shit. My family's in Cuba or dead. I got an uncle. He's 85. He's still in LA. That's it.

No kidding. Oh, no. And you really built it out here. That's fucking awesome. Now he had her banks for a little while. Yeah. I like you out of banks. This year we're going to Tennessee to visit her family. Okay. Nice. Go to Nashville for a week. There you go. Chicken. Sugar. Yeah. Yeah. If you ever go to fucking Tennessee, go to a place called Lee's Fried Chicken. Lee's Fried Chicken. Oh, Lee's Fried Chicken. It's deep, deep, deep in the valley. Like two hours from Nashville. How does it stack up to Hattie B's down there? Hattie B's is phenomenal. Yeah. Spicy. Yeah. Lee's is that old brother flavor. Okay. Yeah. I don't wear hand nets. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever happens, happens. I think I get what you're laying down. Yeah. It's old school.

Authentic. I'm with you. I love it. That's all right. I only got a couple more here. Yeah. Have you ever asked for a receipt at a toll booth? No. Okay. Do you take the customer receipt with you if you use the card? Definitely. You're checking out at the restaurant. Yeah. Sometimes I take it with you. My wife gives me the account. What about if you go into like a 7-11 or a store and you pay with a credit card? Do you ever get cash back if you pay with your debit card? Do you ever say give me a 20 or whatever? Sometimes. It's been years. Okay. Respectable. All right. Have you ever called and requested a song on the radio? No. He's gonna hit me for a second. Dione binoculars. No.

Dione an air fryer. Yeah. My wife just got one. Yeah. Nice chicken cutlets. She makes chicken cutlets in there. Love that. She makes some chicken cutlets. Love a good cutie. What uh, I have just Jersey, Jersey, New York stuff. What's your go-to pizza place now? I'm in Jersey and I have, I'm surrounded by Staten Island people and they know how to throw down all the restaurants in Jersey. Yeah. Pretty much Staten Island people. Yeah. Because if they get, Staten Island gets money, they go to Jersey. They go to Jersey. They go to Brooklyn, goes to Staten Island. Staten Island goes to Jersey. I got a nice rest pizza in my neighbor, Denino's. Oh, sounds good. I got an F Staten Island company and then I got another one, Carlos Staten Island. They're phenomenal.

And then I have another one night by my jiu-jitsu school. It's called uh, Krispy. Okay. It seems from like, from when, from when, you know, when we grow up, we grew up in the Burbs and you know, all the good food was in, was in the city and stuff like that. And we've lived in the city. We lived in Philly. We lived in New York, but the suburban South Jersey, North Jersey area, the suburban Philly area, the food, the sandwiches, the food out there has gotten so much better than in the cities, I feel. They're just unbelievable. You can't, there's no good sandwich spot in the city anymore. You got to go to a bodega and they give you like, they throw two pieces of American cheese at you on white toes. It sucks. You know,

Joe called me this morning because the U of season 10 and he sent me a text and he goes, I want to go to this place in Jersey. There's a restaurant 800 feet from my house. Nice. Good stuff. It's called El Nido. It's organic Italian. So if you want chicken cutlets, Parmesan is not there. Shrimp, palm, they got no lasagna. They got like blacking squid with fucking toe crab, crab toe. That's all right. They got everything is organic. The chicken, when you look at the chicken, you're like, this don't look right. Yeah, because you've never seen good chicken before. Yeah, you're used to seeing fucking up chicken. You're seeing steroid chicken. It's white like that newspaper. It's so fucking delicious there. Man. So yeah,

if he comes down tonight, maybe we'll go over there. And that's in South, that's in fucking Marlboro. Yeah. Out in the burbs. I'm telling you guys, they're not fucking around down there now. You do one Italian dish. What is it? Escarola beans. Really? That's the classiest answer we've ever gotten. That just pulled you out of skiing and jeez. God, with pancetta little pieces of prosciutto. I'll take you to a place right now if you want to go right over the fucking edge. We're going to the ferry. Get the ferry. It's three miles from the ferry. It's called Rudy's. They make a fucking escarole and beans and you're going to when you eat the escarole, you're going to an Italian trance. Like you start hearing, you start hearing Perry Como music

and shit. And cousins and no, no, no, no, there's a place by me, Astoria, when you go in there, they don't have a cup of it. So you can't order with anything else. It's the escarole and beans. It's just the bowl. And I just got a loaf of bread and crushed red pepper and cheese, Parmesan cheese and you're good to go. That's it, huh? Out the door, baby. Man. I'm good here. I'm fucking solid. What are you thinking, Kip? I mean, I love them to death. The escarole try, but I mean, he's trash and I fucking love it, baby. You are a fucking white trash as you said. White trash. He's the only Cuban white trash guy I know. I love him. You got red pepper flakes of class dribble there. I'll tell you that. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Diaz, the book is tremendous.

The life of a comedy savage. You have to check this out. It is unbelievable. Joey, congratulations. Thank you. Guys, thank you very much for having me on. This has been great. We can't thank you. I didn't know if I should contact you guys. I didn't know anything. I'm like, those guys are big time. No, what are you talking about? We were trying to get you for two years. I've been calling anybody. Now he's mad. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? But guys, thank you for having me. This has been a great fucking buddy. Thank you so much. Everybody makes you listen to Joey's joint, as I'm sure you do. Kip, what do you got for him? We're all over the road. Get tickets, live shows are selling out. We fucking love you.

Thank you for the support, baby. Gang, we love you. Joey, we love you. Thank you so much. Thank you guys also. Thank you. Gang, we'll see you next week.